'What the fuck am I supposed to be doing?'
This is what people were supposed to do right? When you always heard about tragic suicides on the news, they always wrote letters to people close to them. Spouse, significant other, family, friends, people who will miss them.
But Connor couldn't think of a single person like that. Zoe and Cynthia would probably miss him, but it wouldn't be mutual, so what was the point in writing to them?
They weren't bad. He knew he was the problem, he just didn't know how to fix it. Till now at least. Cynthia tried to care, but eventually she got so worn down that she stopped and just went through the motions.
He was her son, she couldn't just stop loving him. But she could definitely lose hope.
He pondered it as he sat as his desk, one hand fiddling with the pen, the other with the sleeping pills.
He'd thought it through, and he knew this was the only way to make it stop. He didn't want to try anymore. He just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
That's when it hit him.
He cared about Connor. Connor knew that. He was the one who pushed Miguel away. Who ruined what they had, what they might have had...
He hadn't realized his mistake until weeks after he did it. Now it might be too late. Would he still care about Connor? After what he had pulled?
Maybe he had gotten over Connor. He probably had. He probably hadn't even thought of him in forever, just a casual relationship on the outer ring of his social circle.
But he was the only friend Connor ever actually had. And if Miguel didn't want to deal with him afterwards, its not like he would be around to see it.
'Hey M, sorry for this being the first time I responded.'
He laughed at himself. Really, Connor.
'By now you've probably moved on and forgotten all about me, but if by some miracle you haven't, I'm sorry I pushed you away.'
He wrote a few more sentences like that. Mostly bullshit about how he was sorry for what he was doing- did. Sorry for bothering him even when he wasn't there. Trying to justify himself to someone who most likely didn't even care.
Maybe he would never be able to actually say it to him, but he could do this. A small way of setting things right.... hopefully.
That's done. Here goes nothing, he thought.
The world went fuzzy, then black, and he was gone.