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“That chick,” Other dude-san declared, “is hott.” Normal-kun could practically hear the double ts, and had to physically restrain himself from reading out the Miranda rights at such wanton abuse of the English language.

“Who is it now?” he sighed, glancing furtively downward in an attempt to ascertain the direction in which Other dude-san’s jean-clad, just-visible crotch was pointing. Usually such measures were enough to establish which hott chick had roused Other dude-san’s roving eye for the time being, although there had been times where, faced with so many breasts and fake tans, the dick-test had failed miserably (as Other dude-san’s crotch pivoted wildly around, attempting to radiate interest in all directions.)

Apparently this appeared to be such an occasion, as Other dude-san’s crotch was pointing directly at Normal-kun, which, admittedly, was its general state of being. Normal-kun raised his eyes, carefully ignoring his friend’s acquaintance’s irritating groupie’s STUPIDLY ATTRACTIVE smirk abs smirk, falling back on the second, far less reliable indicator of Other dude-san’s interest: eye contact.

The only suitable girl in his line of sight was – oh.

Oh.

He sought a way in which to broach the topic tastefully. “Other dude-san,” he began carefully, and was rudely interrupted for his troubles.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

He rolled his eyes, irritated at himself, more than anything, for walking straight into that one. “You obviously lack originality, you’ve used that one on me multiple times already. Anyway, I was just trying to say that –”

“She is so hott.” Damn, lost him already; Other dude-san’s legendary ADHD had kicked in. There was no getting him back now.

He tried anyway, because damn it, he never learnt. “Other dude-san,” he hissed, “Other dude-san. Other dude-san.”

Desperate times called for desperate methods. Normal-kun hated to be driven to such underhanded means, but he needed to tell Other dude-san this before he made a fool of himself (well, more of a fool than he already was). He heaved a sigh, and steeled his resolve. Such a momentous declaration was not to be taken lightly; he knew that once they had left his lips, he could never take these words back.

“I’m joining Facebook.”

“Dude, really?” Other dude-san’s head cracked around so fast that Normal-kun got whiplash from merely looking at him. His face split into a huge, orange smile, and Normal-kun was torn by split-second dagger of guilt. He was remorseful at such reckless abuse of Other dude-san’s trust and enthusiasm; after all, Normal-kun was infamous in his enmity against Facebook, Jersey Shore and other such heathen mediums. Other dude-san had tried over and over to convert him, but it was all in vain.

“Uh, well – Actually, I have something important to tell you. More important.” He had all but made a complete u-turn in the conversation, and Other dude-san knew it, if one was to go by the way his eyes narrowed behind his sunglasses. Normal-kun was going to pay for this, but such was the price.

“What.” Other dude-san was pissed now; he’d have to get this all out fast, or else he’d find himself on the receiving end of a noogie (or worse. Other dude-san seemed to take an unholy glee in tormenting him, particularly in stealing his underwear or taking pictures of him sleeping, trolling, or otherwise being ‘adorable’. Him? Adorable? As if!)

“Well, I wouldn’t recommend going after that girl. Other girl-sempai, I mean, that girl you were looking at, although your crotch wasn’t acting up like usual, which was weird, there weren’t any other girls present, which – anyway. She. She’s been chasing after Normal-chan for, like, forever, I think it’s some sort of bizarre mating ritual, Normal-chan just keeps blushing whenever I bring it up. Like some sort of courtship with Facebook and friending requests and stalking, and, and, Other girl-sempai keeps bugging me about fandom and OTPs, it’s actually kind of annoying, I just told her to watch Supernatural. She. She likes Cas, for some reason, I think he reminds her of Normal-chan, if she was a guy, well, an angel, and also obsessed with God. And Dean. Come to think of it, Other girl-sempai is kind of like Dean, I guess, if she was less tanned? Also, if she had a dick?”

Other dude-san’s eyebrow was climbing higher and higher up his forehead, looking totally unimpressed by his rambling, and Normal-kun, damn himself, felt judged. Other dude-san had no right to judge him! Other dude-san was the one drooling over all the girls, the one who bought fifteen cans of fake tan and used them all in a week!

“Um. Basically she’s really into some one else. Another girl. Normal-chan. You know Normal-chan, right?” Hopefully not in the biblical sense, otherwise Other girl-sempai would really be pissed. She was scary when she was pissed; one would think that five foot ten of fake tan and similarly fake boobs could only do so much damage, but Normal-kun had seen firsthand the consequences of her wrath (incidentally, also to a guy who had had the unmitigated temerity to find Normal-chan attractive and proceed to flirt outrageously with her.)

Other dude-san flashed a predatory smile at him, which, uh, was a little weird. Normal-kun felt himself tensing up, bracing himself for the inevitable put-down. What would it be about this time? Other dude-san kept teasing him about his supposed crush on Normal-chan, based mainly on the fact that she was essentially his female counterpart (which, ew. Selfcest?)

(… Actually, that was quite hot. Hott. With double ts. Damn it, Other dude-san was rubbing off on him. Fuck, not like that, oh god his mind, why, whyyyy.)

(Although that mental image was quite hott too.)

“You spend a lot of time looking at my crotch, huh.” And there it was. How was that the first thing Other dude-san picked up on?

“W-well, no, not exactly – ” Damn it, he was stumbling over his words now; and, if the burning sensation in his ears was anything to go by, flushing to boot.

“Also, lesbians. Huh. That’s hott.” Normal-kun almost sighed in relief; hopefully the promise of hott lesbian smex would be enough to distract Other dude-san, at least for the time being. As it was, he merely facepalmed, the stock reaction for anything idiotic that slipped out of Other dude-san’s mouth. Anything more idiotic than usual, at least.

“How many times have I told you, don’t objectify lesbians, they’re not there merely for your enjoyment. God, you’d think you’d have learnt by now, the amount of times I’ve told you…”

Other dude-san just kept on smirking, and goddamnit, was that stretching into a leer?

“Keep talking dirty to me, baby.”

Normal-kun barely refrained from slugging him right in his ugly attractive hott ugly mug. As it was, he merely sighed and picked up his abandoned book; he’d not get any peace, not now, but at least he could try and make an effort. He’d always enjoyed Crime and Punishment, in any case, so it probably wouldn’t be too hard to feign disinterest in his surroundings. Surroundings being one Other dude-san, who just kept on speaking.

“God, do you think they’d give me a private show? If I paid?”

Sometimes his idiocy truly had no bounds. “Firstly, no, that’s what porn’s for, and secondly, no. Other girl-sempai would probably try to castrate you with a spork if you even suggested it, and unfortunately I’m quite attached to your dick.”

Goddamn foot-in-mouth disease.

“Aww, man, you love me really!” Normal-kun shrugged, feeling the first flush already crawling up his neck. He was suddenly glad he hadn’t randomly decided to strip like Other dude-san always did around him. It didn’t mean anything, anyway, because Other dude-san was straight as straight could be, straight as a ruler, straight as his dick which always pointed at him, why had he never seen realised that before.

Crap, now really was not the time for a sexual identity crisis.

“Don’t worry, Normal-kun, I still think you’re hottest of them all.” Other dude-san smiled at him, radiant and surprising soft. “I love you too, man.”

He buried his head in his book, suddenly all too aware of the sun. Damn it, when did it get so hott?