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Tokyo Revengers Incorrect Quotes 4

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Hina/Takemichi: We are in love with you, Mikey.
Mikey: Um… okay… in the romantic way, right? Not familial? You actually are in love with me?
Hina/Takemichi: Mhm.
Mikey, bamboozled as he looks at himself: Why.

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Ran & Shion, prank calling: Is your refrigerator running?
Taiju, paranoid: How did you know I had a fridge?

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Takemichi: Finally~ Solved everyone’s issues and nothing seems to be in urgent need for care. I can finally get some well deserved rest…

*looks up to see a whole in the sky and jelly bean figures falling like rain*

Takemichi: *heavy breathing*

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Kakuchou: *listening to a YouTube video* You are my fire...

Mucho, quietly: The one desire...

Izana, half-asleep: Believe when I say...

Shion, not looking up from his phone: I want it that way.

Ran: *bursting in* TELL ME WHY...

Everyone, unenthusiastically: Ain't nothin' but a heartache.


Everyone: Ain't nothin' but a mistake.

Ran, pointing at Rindpi: Now Rindou!

Rindou: I never wanna hear you say...

Ran: WOO!

Everyone: I want it that way.

Emma, from the other room: So those are your kids?

Mochi: *sitting across from her, aggressively downing his tea* Those my kids.

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Chifuyu, before Toman vs Kantou fight: It’s the final countdown! Just like they always sung about!

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South: A lot of things changed after I got that girl pregnant. 

Izana: Like what? 

South: My name, my address, my-

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*Choji and Kazutora at the pet store*

Kazutora: Why don't you get something cute and lovable - like a goldfish or a parakeet??

Choji, with a handful of pet rats: Too late, I've already picked names

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Naoto: Do you think there's intelligent life beyond earth?

Mana: You say that as if there is intelligent life here on earth.

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Sanzu: Mikey, I love you

Mikey: But I love Kenchin

Draken: But I love Mitsuya

Mitsuya: But I love Yuzuha

Yuzuha: But I love Hina

Hina, turning to Takemichi: But I love you

Takemichi: I love you too

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Peh-yan: Thanks for hearing me and just not responding. 

Shion: All good, bestie. Anytime.

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Rindou, pulling next to Angry with a Ferrari: Hey there, beauti–

Angry: If you're trying to impress me with your vehicle, it better be a food truck.

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Kisaki: I'm bi
Hina: What'd you say?
Kisaki, panicked: Sorry autocorrect, um bye!
Takemichi: Wtf is autocorrect?

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Emma: Name one thing you wished was real but isn’t. 
Mikey: My will to live. 
Emma: ... Okay, but I was thinking more along the line of unicorns. 

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Shion: I'm pretty but dumb
Mucho: What he means to say is: He's pretty dumb

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Taiju: Hey you want to hear something funny my therapist said the other day?
Mitsuya: Quit telling people I’m your therapist

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Naoto: We got a call that you had pot in your car.

Hanma: *pulls out flower pot* Oh, you mean this?

Naoto: *laughing* My mistake, what are ya growing?

Hanma: Weed.

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Bonten Mikey: Who are you?
Manila Mikey: I'm you but with black hair

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Ran: Where were you so late last night, Kazushi?
Yamagishi: I was at a party smoking weed
Rindou: Don't lie, you were at the library you fucking nerd

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Sanzu, to Senju and Baji: Guys, Mikey is missing.

Senju: Good

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Hanma: You know, my favorite kind of science is the kind that starts with “I wonder what happens if I...”

Mochi: What did you do?

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Mikey:* falls off the roof, crashing into the bed of a pick-up truck*

Kazutora, not taking his eyes off the road: Hey, Mikey

Mikey, casually sitting up: Hey

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Ran: This has been a long day, I’m going to bed.
Smiley: It’s 9am, You’ve been awake for an hour.
Ran: Goodnight.

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Emma: Me, Hina and Takemichi are dating.

Mikey: *gasp*

Draken: *gasp*

Kisaki: *gasp*

Yuzuha: *gasp*

Senju: *gasp*

Takemichi: *gasp*

Hina: Takemichi, come on.

Takemichi: Sorry, I'm still surprised.

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Shinichiro: You cheated... And yet, still got every question wrong.
Baji: So, technically doesn't that mean I shouldn't be punished?

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Mucho: You have a face.

Takuya: Yes, yes I do have a face.

Mucho: I mean you have a nice face.

Takuya: ....Thank you?

Mucho: Please understand that I'm flirting with you, because I don't know what I'm doing.

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Choji, touching his pocket: Hey Bo, what would you say if I found a cute mouse and brought them home?
Chonbo: What's in your pocket?
Chonbo: Choji, what's in your pocket?
Choji: I think you know.

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Emma: Oh god, he texted you ‘hi.’ Punctuation only means one thing, Takemichi. He's mad at you
Takemichi: No, it's Sanzu! He's just being grammatically correct!
Sanzu: And then I used a period so he'd know that I'm mad at him
Hina: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'
Sanzu: I stand by my choice

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Takemichi: I love you. 
Mikey: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that. 
*Takemichi and Mikeu kiss passionately* 
Taiju, to Mitsuya : You owe me 20 dollars.

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Shion: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!

Mochi: Merry crisis

Ran: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.

Rindou: Hoe hoe hoe.

Shion: Guys, please.

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Hina: Can I have a private talk with you?

Mikey: Okay, as long as it’s not about tampons because I just don’t understand them.

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Choji: Some people are like slinkies.
Chonbo: Explain...
Choji: Relatively useless, but they still make you smile when you push them down the stairs.
Kazutora: Please don't push Hanma down the stairs.
Choji: I won't promise anything.

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Emma: *trying to talk to Draken* So uh Draken what do you like to do? 
Mikey: He likes bikes
Emma: *nodding* So Draken uh what else do you like to do besides bikes? 
Mikey: He reads comics
Emma: *to Mikey* Would you PLEASE STOP?!

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Senju: You know what strength is? Forgiving a person who isn’t even sorry.

Chifuyu: Not to be dramatic but I would literally rather die. 

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Mikey: I got my ankles microwave

Koko: X-rayed

Mikey: They took my blood for them to use for science

Mochi: Cholesterol test

Mikey: Ran had his sinuses removed

Sanzu: Looked at

Mikey: Some guy looked at my weaner...touched it...that was weird

Takeomi: That guy wasn't even a doctor


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Kakuchou: I told you never to show your face here again.
Sanzu: That's why I have this handy dandy mask!

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Ran: Where are we?

South: Somewhere in the woods, probably about to be eaten.

Rindou: Wasn’t Kakuchou teaching you how to be reassuring?

South: It’s a work in progress.

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*everyone is watching the Wakasa & Benkei vs Taiju fight*

Senju: Oh, no! The technique they are about to use can kill Taiju!

*everyone looks worried*

Koko: Wait...since when were they wearing onesies?!

Inui: What? *looks at the trio just to realize that Koko was right*

Takemichi: Where they got them?

Angry: Naho-nii! I want a shark onesie like Taiju!

Mitsuya: I probably should do bear onesies like Benkei's for my sisters, they would love it for sure

Ran: Is Wakasa's a leopard or cheetah?

Yamagishi: I think it is a leopard since it fits with his tittle of White Leopard

Rindou: Makes sense

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Mikey: I think misery doesn’t even think of me as company anymore. I’m an unofficial roommate.

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Chifuyu: ....Partner?

Takemichi, humming while patting Inui's head and reading a book: Hmm? Do you need something, Fuyu?

Chifuyu: ...Why is Inui wearing a collar and acting like a dog?

Takemichi: Oh! Sei-kun loves to be a good boy, don't you? *looks at Inui who nods his head enthusiastically*

Chifuyu: Doesn't Hina feel uncomfortable with this?

Takemichi: Why would she? Hina has gotten a cute kitten too *points to the other side of the room

*Chifuyu looks to where Takemichi is pointing just to see Hina patting Koko's head as he drank the milk Taiju gave him*


Chifuyu: You know what? I will just take a page out of Mitsuya's book and ignore all this

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Mikey: What if the only reason we can’t walk through mirrors is because our reflection blocks us?
Baji: What if they’re protecting us though? 
Mikey: Oh! Like, what if they know that the other side is horrifying and painful and they are trying to keep us from crossing over?
Baji: I must be on the wrong side of the mirror, then. 
Sanzu, glaring down from the top bunk: If you both don’t shut up and go to sleep, I swear to Shin-nii I’ll kill you.

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Shinichiro: I hate when kids scream in public.
Shinichiro: You don't have any real problems! It should be me screaming! ME!

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Grandma Hanagaki: I think tax evasion can be justified

Grandma Hanagaki: Sure there's a potential legal penalty and it's morally questionable but more money!

Shinichiro: Ma'am this is a bike shop

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Takemichi, about Mitsuya: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I’m actually bi.

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Koko: PITCH: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" but the contestants are billionaires so it's more of a threat.

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Pah-chin: I was put on this earth to do one thing.
Pah-chin: Luckily I forgot what it was so I can do whatever I want.

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Senju: The first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope.

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Draken: Takashi, do I look good in this shirt?

Mitsuya: You’d look better in me.

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Mana: If the opposite of 'pro' is ‘con’
Luna: And the opposite of progress is congress
Mana: Then the opposite of constitution is-
Naoto: Let me stop you right there

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Yamagishi: Oh, man, she's so cute! Do you ever just think about someone, then get sad when you realize you'll never have them?

Senju: We are literally lovers, Kazushi.

Yamagishi: I know, I just want to hear you say it.

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Emma: Don't tell him NOTHING-

Random Guy: Shut up kid! You're lucky I don't hit girls.

Emma: Me neither...

Emma: But for you I'd make an exception!

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Chifuyu: Things my conspiracy boyfriend let's me do; listen to his theories and comment on them

Chifuyu: Things he will not let me do; suggest an even wilder theory on the same topic

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Baji: You remind me of a Russian doll.
Hanma: Aw, thank yo—
Baji: Full of yourself.

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Takemichi: Don't worry about me Draken, I can take South no problem!

Wakasa, joking: In a fight?

Takemichi, a smirk appears on his face:...

Draken, disturbed: In a fight, right?!

Takemichi, pretending innocence: I just remembered I have stuff to do, bye!

Wakasa, amused: I think South might be his “Stuff to Do.”

Draken: Why are you like this?

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South: Do you want to stay after?
Yuzuha: We better get to know each other better
South: If you get to know me better, you'll never want to see me again

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Mitsuya: I don’t have a favourite kid. They all upset me
Chifuyu: What is Angry’s favourite animal?
Mitsuya, instantly: Shark
Peh-yan: And what’s mine? 
Mitsuya: …
Mitsuya: anyWAYS-

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*Wakasa flirting with Takeomi*

Wakasa: So *leans against the wall* you come here often.

Shinichiro: You do kno-

Wakasa: I know now

Benkei: You know what

Takeomi: The wall is freshly painted

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Taiju: I mean, come on. let’s just hug it out. Come on, hug it out
*everyone hugs*
Koko: Alright, who took my wallet?
Smiley: Sorry

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Takemichi: What's the most annoying thing you have heard 
Baji: You

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Baji: I got an idea! 

Chifuyu: Does it involve breaking the law? 

Baji: By now don’t you think that’s a given? 

Chifuyu: I was just trying to be optimistic. 

Baji: Don’t bother.

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Mikey: Shin.nii! I thought you were dead! 

Shinichiro: No, just in deep cover. 

Emma: ...But it was an open casket. 

Shinichiro: It was very deep.

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*the elevator door closes*

*Emma slams Hina against the wall and kisses them repeatedly*

Hina: Emma?

Emma: Hmmm?

Hina: Can’t we wait til we get to our floor?

Emma: Nope. You’re too intoxicating. Need. You. Now!

*Emma straddles Hina’s waist, moans escape her lips as the doors open*

*Izana stares in shock*

Izana: I will…uh…take the stairs. 

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Yasuda: I'm not gonna lie, Shion, I'm kinda scared of your boyfriend. 
Shion: Oh, Izana? Izana wouldn’t hurt a fly!
Yasuda: Okay, that’s reassuring-
Shion: He would kill a man though. 

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Hina: Takemichi I’m a little concerned 

Takemichi, covered in bruises and knife wounds: Is it because I’ve been wearing these jeans for seven months straight? I’m gonna wash them this weekend 

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Kazutora: I am done, I am so done
Hina: With who? 
Kazutora: Myself. 

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Akane: You know, people treat me like a god

Emma: How-

Akane: They ignore my existence unless they need something

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Izana: *stares at his boyfriend longingly*
Shion: *stares back with soulful eyes*
Emma: This is torture. I did not consent to this.
Mikey: It's either this or we go back to them cuddling on the couch. No one wants that kind of sweetness in the morning.

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Akkun: Can anyone describe a teacher in one sentence?

Makoto: A person who helps you solve problems that you'd never have without them

Yamagishi: Oooo

Takuya: Makoto no-

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Kazutora, to Draken about Emma: You’re in her dms

Kazutora: I’m helping her bury a body

Kazutora: We are not the same

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Ran: If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with food, rent, or bills for the next 10 years regardless of your success

Kazutora: But what if you died during the robbery?

South: Then you'd have money for the rest of your life

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*in the middle of the night, talking about their families*

Kisaki: Well, I think in certain ways they tried the best they could didn’t they?

Mitsuya: No, I don’t think they did.

Kisaki: I- I don’t really remember. I- I… they expected quite a lot of me, but isn’t that what- doesn’t that… didn’t that make me great?

Mitsuya: Expectation without love. What’s that?

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Sanzu, smugly, after security arrives to escort Senju and Takemichi out: So, do you wanna walk out of here or do you wanna be carried out? Senju, in defeat: Let’s go.  
Takemichi: Wait.  
Senju: What?  
Takemichi: I’d kinda like to be carried out... 

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Ran: I still can’t believe you got someone like Angry, like how? He’s so adorable and so different from you

Mikey: Kidnapping


Mikey: …Not that you should do it

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Takeomi: A pack of newports, and thirty on pump 8

Wakasa, coming up to the counter behind him, arms full of snacks: You smoke?

Takeomi: You have diabetes?

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Taiju: *cries*I have nothing left
Inui: *consoles him* Taiju no, you still have your Dom duties, come back here

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Ran: I am going to make you regret ever being born.
Hakkai: Bold of you to assume I don't regret it already.
Mitsuya: Hakkai nO.

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Mikey: Shinichiro put me in charge, so I'm the leader and you'll refer to me as such.
Emma: Ok, Such.

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Chifuyu: Pull into that McDonald's Michi, I'm hungry
Takemichi: We have food at h- 
Chifuyu: Remember when I died  
Takemichi: *ordering* Yeah, we’ll have two big macs-

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Draken: *just relaxing in bed reading a book* 
South: *climbs in through the window falling face first to the floor* 
South: Act like you never saw that

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Hina: I don't know, it's not my cup of tea. 

Naoto: Well then whose is it? 

Hina, staring at a cup of tea: I don't know!

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Sanzu: Izana, would you slap your best friend in the face for ten million bucks?

Izana: I'd roundhouse kick you in the face for free

Sanzu, tearing up: I'm your best friend?

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Shion: *unable to stop staring at South’s hands*

South: *noticing* Oh- I promise I won't just punch you so you don’t need to be scared-

Shion, flabbergasted: I’m not scared South, I’m gay!

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*Wakasa and Shinichiro arguing about Shinichiro not wanting to ask somebody out bc Takeomi*

Takeomi, annoyed/ frustrated: Oh my god, how many times do I have to say it? I don't care who you date, we broke up! *he waves his arm around* Ask out anyone you want. 

Wakasa: See! I said you should have asked out Akane! 

Takeomi: AKANE?!

Shinichiro, placatingly: Takeomi....

Takeomi: I KNEW IT! 

Takeomi: I KNEW! Two years ago when you went on that stupid work trip with her! 

*Wakasa slowly backing away  & removing himself* 

Takeomi: And Akane was always like  "Oh, Shinichiro  why don't you come and study with me" 

Takeomi: "Oh, Shinichiro I bought some coffee" 

Shinichiro: Akane brings everyone coffee! 

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Akkun: I’m pretty good with my hands, y’know.
Shion: Oh?
Akkun: *begins three-hour finger puppet musical*

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Naoto: Sano you’re in your twenties and arguing about Capri Suns
Mikey: Look Hina, either you ground him or I fight him, and my fists are already up-

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Izana: You haven't wanted to do anything since Takemichi left. 

Mikey: Yes, I do. I want to threaten my friends and commit manslaughter. I want to bombard everyone who keeps Takemitchy away from me. 

Mikey: Don't say I don't have goals. 

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Hanma: *doing something stupid*
Kisaki: God, you are so special
Hanma: I really hope that's cause I mean a lot to you

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Baji: If the eyes are the windows to the soul, the hands are like…

Hanma: …Like the back porch, man

Kazutora: What kinda weed are you smoking exactly?

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Mikey: I noticed that there are two graves dug here, and yet there are six of us.

Murderer: Obviously, you will have to share.

Mikey: Yes, but I think I speak for everyone when I say who shares with who?

Emma: I am not going with Baji.

Baji: Why do you hurt me?

Mikey: Considering that Senju and I are the lone couple in the group, I think it's only fair that we have our own grave.

Sanzu: Excuse me.

Sanzu: After all we've been through, I've earned the right to rest beside you just as much as Senju.

Draken: All right, look, If nobody wants to take Sanzu then me and Baji will take him, Emma, why don't you go with those two?

Sanzu: Man, I'm nobody's charity case. I demand to dig my own grave.

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*Mitsuya gets jealous when he sees Chonbo and Baji hanging out*

Mitsuya, pointing at Baji: That is MY son. Mine, my own! I raised him and birthed him with my own 2 hands.

Draken: you-you can't give birth.

Mitsuya: That's beside the point!

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Kazutora: What happened?!
Takemichi: I just got hit in the head from behind, it’s no big deal.
Kazutora: I told you to wait for me before going in that alley, you nerd!
Takemichi: Speaking of which, I think the guy who hit me painted red graffiti all over on the walls. Not cool.
Hina: That wasn’t paint. That was your blood.
Kazutora: Oh for Fu-

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Kazutora: How do you keep an idiot waiting?
Baji: I don't know, how?
Kazutora: I'll tell you later.
Baji: Okay...
*30 min later*
Baji: Wait a damn second...
Kazutora: *laughs*

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Hanma: Sorry I’m out of good jokes for today.
Choji, snorting: "Today."

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Sanzu: I take no pleasure in this

Takemichi: You’ve got me pined to a wall and a knife to my throat, I think there is some pleasure in this for both of us

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Mikey, to Koko: Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed, suddenly it's 'depression'

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Mikey: -the properties of rubber and gum!

South: I want to get a divorce.

Mikey: We’re not married.

South: I want a divorce.

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*Ran and Hakkai are 30 minutes late*
Mitsuya, looking around: where are they? I'm afraid people might think we’re on a date instead.
Shion: Why, embarrassed to be seen with me?
Mitsuya, deadpan: Yes.
Shion, fake insulted: You’re no delight either.
Hakkai, appearing out of nowhere: I beg to disagree.
Ran, behind him: And Mitsuya, Shion might be an idiot but at least he’s hot. be grateful.
Shion, sarcastically: Thanks, babe, so nice to see your devotion to me.
Mitsuya: Where have you two been??
Ran & Hakkai: *look at each other confused*
Hakkai: We were trying to be fashionably late.
Shion: *rolls his eyes* Fashionably late is five to ten minutes late, not 30 minutes late!
Mitsuya: What gave you the idea that you were fashionably late?
Ran & Hakkai: Well we are fashionable *strike a pose* and late. But we guess you guys can’t relate.
Shion & Mitsuya: …
Shion, to Mitsuya: I think we accidentally dated the same person.
Mitsuya: I know, it’s scary.

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Chifuyu, staring at Yuzuha when they first meet: Hi
Yuzuha, staring just as intensely: Hello.
Chifuyu: So you’re gay too, right?
Yuzuha: Oh, yeah, totally

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Takeomi, after receiving  a call that Sanzu got in a fight at school for defending his sister of a bully: Hi, I’m Akashi Haruchiyo’s emergency contact.

Nurse: Oh great you’re here to pick him up?

Takeomi: No I’m here to be removed as him emergency contact.




Takeomi: Nah, I’m kidding, which bully’s ass am I kicking today?

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Chifuyu: I think I did fairly well on my analogy quiz!

Baji: I forgot I was doing a test.

Chifuyu: Baji.

Baji: I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funnny...

kazutora: Baji.

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Taiju: Yuzuha, can I invite someone for Christmas?
Yuzuha: Of course, Taiju. It will be lovely to have Ran here.
Taiju: *shocked* What? Why do you think I'm going to invite Ran?
Yuzuha: Because you’re in love with him, Taiju.
Taiju: *nearly fainting* I-I'm not.
Yuzuha: Oh, no? So you’re saying that you don’t spend all weekends with him?
Yuzuha: And it wasn’t him who accidentally broke the cup that had been in our family for over five centuries? You know, that time, when you two gone wild and had sex in the second living room?
Yuzuha: You don’t have to be ashamed, Taiju. I knew you liked boys since you turned thirteen.
Taiju: How is that possible?
Yuzuha: Really simple, truly. Ranthis, Ranthat…your every phone call was about Ran. I don’t have to be a detective to tell that you’re head over heels in love with him.
Taiju: …
Taiju: Okay, can he join us for Christmas?
Yuzuha: Sure he can, Taiju. 

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Wakasa: Can you help me with my wedding?

Benkei: Oh…you’re getting married?

Wakasa: Hell yeah I am

Benkei: That’s…nice. What do you need me to do?

Wakasa: Be my wife

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Mikey: Can you help me? I need something to cheer me up

*Kakuchou pulls Mikey in and kisses him*

Mikey: What was that?

Kakuchou: I was trying to cheer you up 

Mikey: That wasn’t exactly what I meant…please do it again

*Kakuchou pulls Mikey into another kiss*

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Rindou: Mikey you and Sanzu are 45 minutes late, the meeting is already over

Mikey: And the party has just arrived. Time is a construct Rintarou. You only live in the now!

Rindou: …That’s not my name…

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Y/N: Try not to kill anyone by accident.
Shion: I'm not an idiot, Y/N.
Shion: I know how to kill people on purpose.

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Kakuchou: Discarding my body in a nearby creek because it does not spark joy.

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Baji: "Caution: DO NOT OPEN. Danger!" Oh, Tora...I'm dying to know what's inside. 

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Kakuchou: South doesn’t look very happy.

Y/N: That is his happy, he's just a bitch.

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Y/N: What would you do if you had a totally functional braincell which you didn't share with Hanma?
Baji: Well I'd-
Baji: Wait-

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Ran, riding home in Mucho's car after a date with with him: We should go out on a trip one day...just we two.

Smiley, popping out of the back right seat of Mucho's car: Oh, that would be wonderful!

Ran: Three? *Sanzu pops up in the middle seat* Four? *Angry pops up in the left seat* Five!

Muchov, sighing: Ran, these are my children.

Ran: Oh, how sweet!

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Angry: *walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone*

Y/N: Hey, Souya, how was your day?

Angry: *picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Y/N* Hell

Smiley, watching this unfold: Who hurt you?

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Takemichi: Look, I’m glad everyone’s on the same page
Takemichi: But it’s the last page in a book titled “We’re All Going to Die”
Kakuchou: That’s not even clever
Takemichi: I'll admit, not my best work. But give me some slack, I thought of it last minute, also we're about to die

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Mikey, after they start dating: So, you and me, huh?
Takemichi: Who would've thought?
Hina: Everyone?

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Mikey: The secret to life is to always use more spinach and less rice than you think you’ll need.
Izana: The second secret to life is that fresh air, warm sun, and a cup of tea will make your problems small enough to start handling.
Emma: The third secret to life is that violence sometimes really is the answer.

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Draken: Why are you moving? 

Mucho: Because I had a vision of myself shooting Mikey. 

Draken: In this gang, who hasn't?

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Izana: I’ve got a big problem. 
Koko: Ohh, math or real life? 
Izana: Why would I have a big math problem?
Koko: I’ve seen it happen.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Why do you always have to be so practical? Why don't you ever let yourself just dream?
Senju: Because in my dreams spiders are always crawling on my face

Chapter Text


Y/N, already used to Hanma high as fuck wandering around: Sure, why not.

Hanma: *grabs Draken by the hair and makes out with him in the cafeteria in front of everyone while standing on top of the lunch table and bending down to reach him*


Chapter Text


Mochi: Emergency assistance, this is Mochi


Y/N, vibing in the car:  :D 



Mochi: Sir please tell your wife to relax. Everything is going to be ok. 

Draken: That’s a man.

Chapter Text

Hakkai, trying to play matchmaker: You know something funny...I think Senju and Yuzuha are both lonely. 

Takemichi, laughing: You're right, that is funny. 

Chapter Text

Mucho: I've learned from dating Sanzu that guys only want one thing. 


Mucho: Rides in your car. 

Smiley: Oh thank god. 

Mucho: And on your dick. 

Chapter Text

Mikey: Is everyone ready?

Ran: *grabs his staff* Yes.

Benkei: *checks his crossbow* Roger that.

Sanzu: *sheathing his sword* Affirmative.

Koko: Yup.

Wakasa: Koko, you’re still unarmed.

Koko: Yeah. So I thought I'd go for a different type of strategy tonight, instead of bringing a gun or something, I'm bringing a big kiss instead.

Mochi: Like.......the chocolate? 

Koko: No. Like I absolutely am gonna shove my tongue down their throats.

Shion: And what kind of strategy is that?

Koko: Enemies to lovers, speed edition.

Kakuchou: You see, I can’t really tell if you’re being sarcastic or not. 

Chapter Text

Mikey: You see it too, right?
Sanzu: I've been telling them they should make out for a year now, still waiting.
Draken: We're still here.

Chapter Text

Senju: Haru-nii, what are you doing?
Sanzu, scrubbing the counter: I'm killing the germs. I hate germs. Germs are scary.
Takeomi: Don't forget the germs in the oven.

Chapter Text

Peh-yan, about Yasuda: She trained my best friend's dog to attack people who annoy her on command, it’s often me. I'm people 

Wakasa, about Takeomi: His lock screen is a picture of him and his siblings aka not a picture of me 

Hina, about Takemichi: He cries when he sees the fish in petsmart

Ran, about Shion: He yells “tsunami!” and knocks me over with water when we bath together 

Draken, about Emma: She texts her best friend right after sex 

Benkei, about Shinichiro: He tells his dad jokes to me instead of our kids

Shion, about Ran: He falls asleep before I do.

Kakuchou, about Izana: He sobs on my lap about how much he loves me when he’s drunk, which is sweet, but not for SIX HOURS STRAIGHT-

Baji, about Senju: she insists on plucking my eyebrows every four days 

Senju, about Baji: Oh he’s more like a 4, but he’s sweet and makes me stuff and gives good back rubs

Mitsuya, about Yuzuha: She gnaws on my arm when she’s bored and likes to say “rise and shine” like Kylie Jenner at 5 a.m. 

Rindou, about South: He believes violence is always the answer

Sanzu, about mucho: He tells me the most boring facts about the most boring things and I have to pretend to be interested 

Angry, about Mikey: He wants to pick fights with people three times his size 

Chifuyu, about Kazutora: He isn't a big fan of mangas/animes 

Koko, about Inui: He forgets to water the plants in our house 

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Kids, listen
Mitsuya: I'm not "jealous" but in fact territorial
Mitsuya: Being jealous is being upset over something you don't possess
Mitsuya: Territorial is protecting something that belongs to you
Hakkai: Are... Are you perhaps referring to Taiju?

Chapter Text

Mikey, drunk: It's drunk and I'm late. We better sneak in quietly.
Mikey, falling: Oh, floor, you're always there for me. So supportive.
Mikey: Not like walls and staircases, always getting in my way.
Kakuchou, on the top of the stairs: *watching Mikey cuddle with a rug*

Chapter Text

Emma, whispering: Future Husband say what
Draken: What?
Emma, smiling: Oh, nothing 

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Emma, shaking her head with a sigh: Like, Mikey is smart. But so, so stupid.
Kazutora, with a scoff: Well, Baji is stupid. And he's so, so stupid.

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Y/N: Really, don't take it personally-
Y/N: You're just full of crap

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Pah-chin: I want that dog
Y/N, towing Pah-chin along by his jacket collar: you want every dog.

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Izana, to the other dead people: We're all gathered here to day because SOMEBODY  *glares at Kakuchou* couldn't manage to stay alive

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Mochi: Okay, go shoot your shot. 
Ran: Right now? Okay…
Ran, leaning towards Kakuchou: Damn baby, you’re looking kinda- 
Mochi: With a gun!
Ran: Oh, right sorry!

Chapter Text

Kisaki: If you step on a person's foot they open their mouth, just like trash cans.

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Chifuyu: *sigh* Takemichi...I love you

Takemichi: ...As a friend?

Chifuyu: No.


Takemichi: ....As a best friend?

Chifuyui: Jesus fucking Christ Takemichi-

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Tried to pull my sleeve up but ended up accidentally punching myself

Mucho: You good?

Sanzu: It’s fine, I had it coming

Chapter Text

Naoto: Okay... How does it work again? I'm confused.
Hina, pulling out a chart: Okay, so... I'm a bisexual, right I like both right? So I date Yuzuha who like girls. This is called lesbian, okay? Yuzuha also dates Emma you know Mikey's sister, which I know about. I also date Takemichi and Mikey separately. They also date each other but Takemichi dates Chifuyu too. But Chifuyu only likes guys. Are you following me, Naoto? But Mikey also dates Mitsuya who you've met. But Mitsuya is Pansexual which means he doesn't care and is also in a relationship with a girl called Senju. So, overall I'm a bisexual, so is Takemichi. Mikey is probably a pansexual but he is also asexual so he doesn't care all that much about that stuff. Like I said Yuzuha is a lesbian and so is Emma, but Emma might be bi but isn't sure. Chifuyu is like Emma's mentor though they are like best friends. Yuzuha and Takemichi are the exact same. We all have designated times when we do things together. We are all friends too. Communication is also important. We also have group events. So, yeah... That's pretty much it, I believe. 
Naoto: Isn't that like...
Naoto: *inhales*
Naoto: Gay or something?"

Chapter Text

Baji: So Emma kissed you and you said "thank you"?
Hina: Yes!
Chifuyu: Well, that was very polite.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Oh, you think you want me to shut up? I have to listen to myself even when I'm not talking!
Y/N: Wow, mood

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Mitsuya: I need someone who’s top of the line, graceful and elegant-

Senju: Hi, I’m- *trips on a particle of dust and knocks over a stack of books and falls face first*

Mitsuya: *rushes over to help her up and notices how blue her eyes are*

Mitsuya: *softly* Holy shit. 

Chapter Text

Emma: How did you break your leg?
Shinichiro: Do you see those porch stairs?
Emma: Yes.
Shinichiro: I didn't.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Here's what I wonder about zombies. What happens if they can't get any living flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.

Emma, to Izana: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on 'How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?'

Shinichiro: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Obviously.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I could stare at you all day

Wakasa: I know you would


Takemichi: I'm starting to think you are obsessed with me

Mikey: I mean, I'm in love with you...


Emma, after Draken gave her the plushie: Awww, you remember

Draken: Of course I do, I'm in love with you


Izana: Your way of flirting is truly awful

Ran: But does it work?

Izana: Maybe...

Chapter Text

Random guy, flirting with Sanzu: *insert crude, offensive flirting* 

Sanzu: *annoyed, but playing nice while trying to get information*

Mikey, nearby, confused: What is this...rage bubbling in my chest?

Shinichiro, patting Mikey’s arm: Aw, Manjirou, you’re jealous. 

Mikey, gives his brother a startled look: Is that what jealousy feels like? That fucking sucks. *continues to watch Sanzu*

Mikey, now mad, stomps over to where Sanzu is still being “flirted” with and looms above the random guy: Get the fuck away from him. 

Shinichiro, wiping a tear from his eye: My baby’s all grown up. 

Chapter Text

*Angry and Baji looking at a locked gate into a park*
Angry: Aw...
Baji: You know what they say...
Angry: Please don’t–
Baji: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*
Angry: *sighs tiredly* *but hops gate as well because he's also gay*

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: Last night I found my wife’s ID and it had an expiration date. I spent three hours crying because I thought she was going to die on that day. I didn’t tell her because I was scared she’d cry too

Chapter Text

Emma: I love Draken, god I wonder what he's doing right now :] 

Draken, currently downing half a gallon of milk: oh god oh fuvk that was hot sauce not ketchup oh fugkc oh god

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Come back at six.
Baji: It is six.
Senju: Then how come you're so damn chipper?!
Mikey: We thought it would be smarter to stay up all night than try to wake up early.

Chapter Text

Emma: Why do you always take pictures of him like that? 
Koko, about to snap a pic of Mikey in a weird pose: Like what?
Emma: Like that! It's like you always come out of the shadows to catch him being weird. 
Koko, shrugging and taking a picture of Mikey: I do have cute pictures of him but I like it better when he's being an idiot. I take pictures of all the delinquents being weird cause I find it cute. 
Emma: ...Do you have any of Draken?
Koko, smirking and showing him a folder full of Draken in dumb situations on his scroll: Do I ever?

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Do you ever see your sibling and just have this overwhelming urge to smack them for no reason? Like, my younger sister will walk into the room and I'm like, "Oh man, I guess I have to end you."
Angry, nodding: The Cain instinct.
Mikey: You don't understand how much this post has ruined my life. My younger sister won't stop mentioning the Cain Instinct. Every time I hear the name Cain I run in fear, It's not funny anymore. She'll literally say, "I'm feeling the Cain Instinct" just before she attacks. But all I'm feeling is the Abel Instinct. Someone save me. I am a sacrificial lamb and God is my sister with a pillow.

Chapter Text

Taiju/Takeomi/Yuzuha/Sanzu/Hakkai/Senju: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Chapter Text

South, pointing to Kazutora: yeah, he is a random dude but he is MY random dude. And he is bisexual

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Just because I'm gay and awkward around women doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a women.

Hakkai: You buy them a dress with pockets.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou, about South: Is there a sexuality term for "only wants hatefucks"?

Chapter Text

Y/N: Mikey, what is a metaphor?
Mikey: My life is a trainwreck.
Y/N: Yes. But what is a metaphor?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Cuz you’re pretty, and you’re smart, and you’re ignoring me, so you’re obviously my type.

Wakasa: I’m sorry what were you saying?

Shinichiro:… Perfect.

Chapter Text

Senju: You're being a bad influence right now.

Sanzu: You make it sound like I was ever a good one 

Chapter Text

Wakasa, seeing a 'girl' with long black hair: Hey, pretty girl! What are you doing here alone?

*the 'girl' turns around and glares at him and showing that it was a boy and not a girl*

Benkei: You should apologize, white leopard

Wakasa, rolling his eyes: And what if I don't want to, red wall?

Takeomi: Then I will punch you for calling me a girl

Wakasa, smirking: Oh? I'm not sure you would be able to hurt him but I can admit you are pretty enough to be my type. How about I take you on a date and show you a fantastic time, pretty boy?

Benkei, mumbling: This idiot is going to die one day for being a pervert

Takeomi, glares at Wakasa and walks closer to him: No, thanks I have better taste than that *punches Wakasa in the g«face making him fall to ground in shock* And you flirt with me again and I will kick you in the balls

Benkei, watches Takeomi leave while trying not to laugh about what just happened: Pffft! You deserved that, white leopard

Wakasa, growling: Shut up, red wall!

Chapter Text

Y/N: Dad, our class had our awards assembly today.
Y/N's dad: Really? That was today? Did you get anything?
Y/N: Yes I did.
Y/N's dad: Did you get the English award?
Y/N: No, that was Sano Manjirou.
Y/N's dad: Oh. Did you get the math award?
Y/N: Nope, that was Mitsuya Takashi.
Y/N's dad: Did you get the history award?
Y/N: No, that was Yasuda in my class... and also Hanemiya Kazutora.
Y/N's dad: Did you get the reading award? Or is that—
Y/N: Ryuuguji Ken.
Y/N's dad: Well what DID you get?
Y/N: I got detention for yelling, "FUCK TOMAN, HOW'D THEY GET ALL THESE FUCKING AWARDS?!"

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Call me biodegradable because I break down really easily.
Kazutora: …
Kazutora: Same.

Chapter Text

South: God, I barely slept last night.

Ran, tiredly: Well, you know what they say: If you can't sleep, there's someone thinking about you.

Ran, remembering Kakuchou panicking for 5 hours over the phone last night: Someone who loves you a lot.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I-

Inui: Yes, absolutely. That was so smart. Everything you say is correct, there is never an exception. I completely agree.

Chapter Text

Izana: And you trust South to watch your sons?

Kakuchou: South’s wonderful and I know they love my sons as much as I do

*South walks in holding Rindou and Shion up by their ankles*

South: Where shall I put Gremlins 1 and 2?

Kakuchou: Their bedrooms.

Shion: Kakuchou, marry South!

Rindou: Yeah they’re so cool!

Kakuchou: What’d I tell you? Simply wonderful. 

Chapter Text

Sanzu: One time Senju and Takeomi were having a heated argument in the car and Senju took Takeomi's Queen tape out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and Takeomi looked her dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same tape and put it back in the player.

Chapter Text

Takuya: The look on your face when you found out Yuzuha liked you -- ugh! Listen to me! "Liked", I'm an adult! This is all very high school!

Senju: You're right, it's stupid! But the point is, I like you. I knocked on YOUR door, not Yuzuha's!

Takuya: Well. Technically you knocked on Mitsuya's door, and he's probably still listening.

Mitsuya, across the hall: No I'm not!

Chapter Text

Emma: *completely wasted* I can’t believe you don’t love me anymore!

Yuzuha: Princess I never said that all I said was-

Emma: No it’s fine I get it! Everyone I love always leaves!

Taiju: Hey woah woah what’s happening?

Emma: Sharon doesn’t love me!

Yuzuha: All I said was that we can’t cuddle because it’s boiling hot and AC isn’t working! And she's also fucking shit-faced!

Emma: Sleeping naked would fix that!

Taiju: I see the heat is getting to us all, how about you two go take a dip in the pool? Then you can admire each other in your bikinis, that'll make you feel better

Yuzuha: She's right sweetheart come on lets go swimming

Emma: *not convinced* No

Yuzuha: I will forgo my bikini top 

Emma: Sold!

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: Come here, son.
Sanzu: Urm...Mikey is in his room.
Grandpa Sano: I meant you.
Sanzu, voice cracking: Oh. Okay.

Chapter Text

Y/N: I love you, papa.


Benkei: ...I have a deep regard for you as well, kid.

Chapter Text

Grandma Akashi: Why do you kids like being out in the rain so much?

Senju: I like splashing and rain is just fun!

Takeomi: I'm trying to get hit by lightning! 

Sanzu, lying on the ground motionless: I'm trying to test if I can drown myself

Chapter Text

*Choji placing Bo and Me on the table*
Chifuyu: Choji, no rats on the table.
Choji: But they're lonely and want to eat breakfast with us!
Chifuyu: You know how I feel about animals being on the table, especially while we're eating.
Choji: They're very clean rats!
*meanwhile, the rats trying to steal food off Chifuyu's plate while he's not looking*
Chifuyu, catching them and holding them back by their scruffs: Choji! Look what they just tried to do!
Choji: They're a little hungry, that's all.
Chifuyu: You're in charge of feeding them..
Choji: You let your spider on the table!
Chifuyu: That was ONE TIME.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *hands Mikey a note*
Mikey: What’s this
Chifuyu: It’s a request for you not to be a bitch today
Mikey: Request denied

Chapter Text

Takuya: Do you always draw your patients, Dr. Imaushi?

Wakasa: Only the tasty ones. I mean testy. Or both.

Takuya: That still doesn't explain why I'm only wearing a loincloth.

Wakasa: *sketching* What did you say Patroclus?

Takuya: ...

Chapter Text

Akkun: Hakkai do you have anxiety prime?
Akkun: *Amazon, sorry
Hakkai: I have both

Chapter Text

Rindou, over the intercom: BONTEN MEETING IN THE METTING ROOM IN 5!! 

*5 minutes later*

Rindou: Now that you are all here, let’s start with a team building exercise, get into pairs and if there is an outlier, come sit with me

*everyone pairs off with no outliers*

Kakuchou, holding Mikey’s hand: What is this for?

Rindou: By the power vested in me by the state of Ohio, you are all now married.

Koko, holding Sanzu’s hand: WE AREN’T EVEN OHIO 

Rindou: I said the state gave me its power, not where it was! There are millions of people waking up today with out electricity in the city of Lima! 

Everyone: …

Ran: I’m sorry what?

Rindou The power had to come from somewhere

Chapter Text

Senju, about Yamagishi: He's my girlfriend

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: I don't have favourites.
Shinichiro: Then why do Emma and Sanzu have an allowance?
Mikey: Do you get an allowance? How did I never get one?
Senju: Why does Haru-nii receive an allowance from Mansuke-san and I don't?
Baji: How come I didn't get an allowance?
Shinichiro: Do you live here?
Takeomi: Does he get an allowance? I had to pay to be here!

Chapter Text

Hanma: Kisaki, you’re smart. Tell me something about outer space. 
Kisaki, pointing up: It’s up there. 

Chapter Text

Rindou: So Sanzu is a murderer and a slut?

Ran: No. He is just a slut.

Sanzu: …

Mochi: …

Koko: …

Kakuchou: …

Mikey: He is both!

Chapter Text


Takeomi: What the hell are you guys doing at 2am?? And why is Y/N acting like she’s been shot?? 

Senju, with uno cards in his hands: I put a +4 card on her. Sorry, Take-nii.


Takeomi: I hope Haruchiyo doesn’t become like you two.

Chapter Text

Taiju, to Inui: I wish a socially awkward rich black haired boy would land on my lap and let me take care of him forever and ever.

*cue Koko literally falling from the sky and landing on Taiju’s lap*

Taiju: Sorry, I have to say it. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 

Koko, flushed to the T: This can’t be happening right now.

Taiju: I’m keeping him and calling him baby.

Koko: Please don’t.

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: *tries to slap Senju's ass as she walks by*
Yamagishi: *misses, trips and falls*
Senju: *tries to catch Yamagishi but overbalances*
Senju: *tries to hold a chair for support*
Chair: *breaks*
Yamagishi: *falls on top of Senju*
Wakasa, watching: It's like watching two animals do an out-of-sync and very destructive mating dance.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: What’s wrong, kid?

Baji, clearly upset: There’s this girl I’m in love with, but she doesn't think we can be together because her brothers wouldn't approve.

Takeomi: We’ll that's bullshit. You’re an incredible and nice guy, and any man would be lucky to have you date their sister or brother.

Baji: Well, that's great cause I've got something to tell you.

Baji: The girl I love? It’s Senju, your sister.



Chapter Text

*Tenjiku prepared a surprise party for Shion and are waiting for him*
Izana: Silence
Ran: It's not my fault you decided to hide with me
Mochi: Shh
Rindou: Be quiet
Kakuchou: I said it wouldn't work
Koko: Silence shh
Hanma: Calm down
Kisaki: Be quiet
Sanzu: Silence
Shion: Who are we waiting for?
All: WHAT??

Chapter Text

Izana: Mother, I got a question about the F-word.
Karen: What F-word?
Izana: My father.
Karen: Oh.
Izana: The fuck you think I was talking about?

Chapter Text

Mucho: I’m not a monster, Ryuuguji, I’m a mother

*Mucho looks at her phone

Mucho: Apparently I’m a mother to my idiots and a lot of others on the internet 

Sanzu: Yasumi, that’s not what that means

Mucho: Well then what does mommy mean then?

Draken: Tell you what: I’ll help Mucho find her idiots if you don’t tell her what mommy means!

Sanzu: You got a deal, Draken

Chapter Text


Benkei, angry: Amen

Takeomi, angry: Hell yes

Wakasa: Okay~~

Benkei, Takeomi & Senju: 

Benkei, Takeomi & Senju: What

Chapter Text

*after rescuing a drunk Takemichi and Kisaki from getting tattoos*

Hina: Takemichi, what is the first rule of the Kisaki Tetta emotional support task force?

Takemichi: …Don't let him get a tattoo.

Hina: What the hell happened?

Takemichi: I couldn't help it. He’s so cute when he’s coming up with destructive ideas.

Hina: Never send a boyfriend to do a best friend's job. Out, Hanagaki. Walk it off.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: You’ve started to look like me more and more everyday—
Shinchiro: Why are you crying?
Mikey: You-you’re ugly, I don’t want to look like you *sobs*

Chapter Text

Baji: Banned from the bowling alley for using my special move where I dribble the ball before shooting down the pins

Chapter Text

Ran: That's how it is, baby. My thoughts are two types: horny and intrusive.

Chapter Text

Mochi: There appears to be the head of a lego person in your sinuses.
Hanma: He's still in there? Damn, I shoved him up there when I was like eight.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Look! A star is falling. Make a wish.

Mikey: I wish Takemichi will go on a date with me.

Hina: Oh dang, it flew back.

Chapter Text

Takeomi, to his siblings: Should you have any questions, please don't. Hesitate to ask.

Chapter Text

Naoto: There's a file on him in the station's database. You guys don't read the files?
Kazutora: We gotta get you a hobby, Naoto.
Naoto: Reading files IS my hobby.

Chapter Text

Takeomi, standing at the end of the bed: You’re ethereal
Wakasa, looking over at him: Was it really necessary to wake me up at… *looks over at phone* 4am to tell me this?
Takeomi: Yes…

Chapter Text

Makoto: What was with the guy who invented mayonnaise? Were they just like, "Damn, I wish this sandwich tasted bad"?
Yamagishi, rolling his eyes: So you never had pizza with mayonnaise?
Y/N: I've also never choked someone to death with my bare hands either, but unlike what you said, that can change any second.

Chapter Text

*playing taboo at a party, the word is Policeman*
Naoto: Okay, what am I?
Taiju: Beautiful.
Naoto: Yeah, more serious.
Takeomi: Gorgeous.
Naoto: My job.
Hanma: The love of my life-
Hina: Can you guys play the game instead of being simps for one minute straight?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I can't stop thinking about Wakasa. He's as brutal as he is beautiful. He's brutiful.

Chapter Text

Baji: Okay guys, you’re sad. I can tell because you have the same look on your faces as my teachers did whenever I raised my hand in class.

Chapter Text

Mikey: So, you know how there's a party tomorrow?
Baji: Yeah, what about it?
Mikey: You wanna, uh... go?
Baji: I already told you yesterday that I was going.
Mikey: No, I mean go with me.
Baji: Jesus Christ, why do you always need a ride. You have your own damn car--
Emma/Sanzu/Senju, watching: *bangs their heads against the table*

Chapter Text

Benkei: Why are you sad?
Akane: How do you know I’m sad?
Benkei: Well, you’re dressed in sad colors and you were playing a sad song and you’re wearing a button that says “I’m sad, ask me why”.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: A couple of dogs started barking at Pochi and I couldn't let her be outnumbered so I started barking too.

Chapter Text

Hina: So when you dream, do you see Chihiro and Mika’s dad?

Emma: I don’t see Draken at all

Hina: That’s not what I meant-

Emma: You think Ken has died in all other realities?!

Hina: No. I think that the twins have a dad who isn’t Draken!

Emma: Then who could it be?

Sanzu: Hey Emma! Just came by to drop off the mission briefs. Mikey’s orders. 

Emma: Hey Sanzu! that’s funny I saw you in a dream last night with my boys and…ohhh

Hina: *facepalm*

Chapter Text

Akane: *talking about Shinichiro* He's so sweet, I just wanna feed him grapes and brush his hair.

Takeomi: You are aware that he's not a monkey, right?

Chapter Text

Mikey: Takemichi, who's most likely to kill me?

Kakuchou: Mikey that's a sensitive topic for us to discuss in the middle of dinner.

Takemichi: *not missing a beat* Yourself.

*deep silence*

Sanzu: Well at least it ain't one of us

Chapter Text

Makoto: You came up to my desk, and you said, “This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed-berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.”

Akkun: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?

Makoto: Yup.

Akkun: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?

Makoto: Nope.

Chapter Text


Mikey: I did something stupid again

Mikey: So like you know how-

Emma: Stop right there

Emma: Does the thing you did affect us in any way?

Mikey: Well..No?

Emma: Good! Then suffer in silence

Emma: I have a date today that I absolutely cannot miss

Mikey: Emma pleasee you are my last hopee

Emma: Nuh-huh whatever you say I have to go

Mikey: I'll set you a date with Kenchin

Emma: ....Fine

Emma: You have exactly 5 minutes to explain what you did

Chapter Text

Izana: I miss Takemichi


Izana: *sighs* Oh god, I miss him


Izana: *with tears in his eyes* I miss him so freaking much

Hina: *slams hands on the table* OH MY GOD! HE'S JUST IN THE BATHROOM! WILL YOU CALM DOWN?!

Chapter Text

Angry: *bringing breakfast to bed for Senju, smiling ear to ear* Good morning, sunshine

Senju: *waking up like a car hit her in her sleep, hair is messy like a birds nest* ...What?

Chapter Text

Takeomi: You give me butterflies.
Benkei: But I don't remember giving you butterflies..?
Takeomi: No... like... butterflies in my stomach!
Benkei: You ATE them!??!!!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: You know, Wakasa and Benkei have never once laughed at any of my jokes.
Takeomi: At least they listen. I just kinda tune you out. 

Chapter Text

*Bonten is being chaotic at always*

Sanzu, entering the living room: Morning

Ran, noticing hickeys on Sanzu: Oh? Did you have a fun night?

Sanzu, confused: What?

*Takeomi appears and goes immediately to the kitchen*

Rindou: I never thought Takeomi was your type Sanzu

Mikey, making a disgusting face: What the fuck, Rindou?

Kakuchou: What's wrong with what Rin said?

Takeomi, coming back: Oh, Mikey it was Draken who was in my brother's bedroom

Mochi, confused: Brother?

Sanzu: Take-nii! You promised not to tell!

Mikey: Kenchin? Really, Haru? You could have told me, I am okay with you dating him

Ran: Takeomi and Sanzu are siblings?!

Chapter Text

Senju: Once upon a time I had two childhood idiots, they died because of their dumb brains.

Sanzu: I still remember them, Takeomi wanted to date the older brother of one of them

Emma: Good memories, good memories

Mikey: We are alive

Baji: Yeah! We may have broken all our bones but we are alive

Chapter Text

Draken: This food is amazing, Chifuyu

Chifuyu: Thanks but it was Kazutora who made it

Emma: Really?! You are amazing, Tora!

Kazutora, embarrassed: Hahaha, thanks but I'm.not that good

Draken: You are better than Emma

*Emma glares at Draken*

Emma: Next time, I'm marrying Kazutora. He is much sweeter than you Ken

Kazutora, blushing: Eh?!

Draken: Emma!

Chifuyu, laughing: You got that right, Emma

Chapter Text

*Sano siblings roadtrip*

Mikey: I'm hungry

Shinichiro: Just eat the snacks you brought with you

Mikey: Already did it

Shinichiro, sighing: Then wait

Mikey, pouting: Okay

*a few minutes later*

Emma: Shin-nii how much will it take? I need to answer Hina's message and there is no wifi here

Shinichiro: Just a bit more

*some minutes later*

Izana: Shin-nii, why are there screams coming from the trunk?

Shinichiro: Eh?!

Mikey: Oh! That is just Baji

Emma: And Senju, they are probably fighting

Shinichiro: Ah, okay

Shinichiro, stopping the car suddenly: WHAT?!

Chapter Text

Toman: ....

Draken: What the fuck are they doing?

Chonbo: Where?

Mucho, pointing to where Hanma was being bathed in oil by Chome while Baji and Choji try to hit him with something that looks like gelatine: That

Chonbo, taking a wine bottle out of nowhere: Ah, that. We have another rule in this gang beside the 'seems fake, but okay' one

Chifuyu: Which is?

Kazutora, appearing out of nowhere and drinking from Chonbo's wine bottle: If you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget

*Toman looks back at the previous scene where more members of Valhalla had joined an make it more chaotic*

Mitsuya: Give me that and I will start to use that rule too

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, noticing some aquarium tickets: Hey, Hakkai, why do you have tickets to the aquarium? You never seemed interested in it

Hakkai, helping Takemichi dye his hair black: I don't but me and Yuzuha will be taking Taiju to the aquarium later

Takemichi, confused: Why?

Hakkai: Today is Taiju's birthday and while he will spent the morning and most of the evening with the Mitsuyas, he will spend the rest with me and Yuzuha

Chifuyu/Takemichi: ....Today is Taiju's birthday?!

Chapter Text

Senju, looking at Rindou: I love him!
Inui: He is a murderer
Senju: I said I love him, not that he's any good

Chapter Text

Takemichi, witnessing a traumatic event: This is fine

Kisaki, when his shoelaces are uneven: I will forsake the world as God has forsaken me

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: So, Choji, as you know, we have all prospective Toman 2nd Gen members take a lie detector test prior to joining our team. The new Lie Detector 3000 is programmed to go off when it hears you tell a lie. For example, go ahead and tell an obvious lie.
Choji: Grass is blue.
Choji: I'm a tall Black man.
Choji: I've never seen Hanemiya Kazutora.
Choji: I love it, I've never missed one.
Chifuyu: Have you ever been fired from a job before?
Choji: No.
Choji: Three times.
Chifuyu: Have you ever stolen from an employer before?
Choji: No.
Choji: Alright, damnit!
Chifuyu: How much would you say you've stolen before?
Choji: Hundred dollars.
Choji: Five hundred dollars.
Choji: So much I've lost count.
Choji: $44,793.
Chifuyu: That's a lot of money, Harley.
Choji: Well... I had cancer.
Choji: I bought a boat.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: If you're unhappy and you know it clap your hands!

Koko: *claps twice*

Sanzu: If you're unhappy and you know it clap your hands!

Mikey: *claps twice*

Sanzu: If you're stressy and you're messy and you're feelin' all depressy if you're unhappy and you know it clap your hands!

Kantou Manji Gang: *claps twice*

Chapter Text

Chome: Hey, what’s that thing called where you’re like.....bisexual, but with your hands.

Chonbo: ........

Kazutora: .........

Choji: ....Ambidextrous??

Chapter Text

Choji: Hope you get run over
Kisaki: Hoping is all well and good, but ultimately it gets you nowhere. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Get in your car and run me the fuck down instead of waiting for others to do your work for you, you coward. You lazy fool.

Chapter Text

Mikey: This is a list of possible places Sanzu could’ve run off to this time
Takeomi: This is a globe.
Senju: Yeah, we have no fucking clue where he is

Chapter Text

Choji: I hate the whole "Frankenstein was the doctor" thing.
Choji: First of all, that little bitch was a college dropout, so don't you "doctor" me!
Hanma, snorting: Mister Frankenstein.

Chapter Text

Baji: If I had a girlfriend, I'd hype her so much.

Baji: I'd make her wait outside so I could go in first and be like "get ready! Here comes the most specialest person ever!"

Baji: "And if you don't cheer and clap for her, I'll fucking blow this whole building up!"

Chapter Text

Hina: I love you no matter what. 

Takemichi: What does that mean? "No matter what"? 

Hina: Nothing. It just means I love you. 

Mikey: No. No matter what means you love us, even though we have some sort of problem. 

Chapter Text

Chome: *arguing with Kisaki*

Kisaki: *takes off his glasses*

Chome: What are you doing?

Kisaki: I don’t wanna see you right now.

Chapter Text

Choji: *breathes*

Chome: Flawless, fantastic, incredible, show-stopping, an angel, the love of my life, the light of my darkness, the sun of my world-

Chapter Text

Emma: At my wedding, you'll be able to come alone, bring a Plus One, or choose a Minus One, where you can uninvite one person of your choosing, no questions asked.
Kazutora: Power move; uninvite the groom.

Chapter Text

Hanma: *tease and mocks the hell out of Draken as a love language*
Also Hanma: *showers Draken in affection whenever he can as a love language*

Chapter Text

*The squad is over at Chifuyu's house*
Baji: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
Chifuyu: ... N-No...
Chifuyu, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Baji, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!
Kazutora: I see a-
Chifuyu, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Baji: Oh, well I-
Chifuyu: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
Chifuyu, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Takemichi: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Makoto: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Chifuyu: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!
Chifuyu: I am someone who owns four ovens...
Chifuyu, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
Chifuyu: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Yamagushi, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
Baji: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Chapter Text

Emma, sleeping peacefully:

Mikey: EMMA!

Emma, doesn't move or react:




Chapter Text

Hakkai: Hmmm? What are you doing Fuyu?

Chifuyu: Looking through Kazutora's phone and seeing who he calls/talks to the most

Takemichi: Isn't that invading his privacy?

Chifuyu: He let me, he doesn't care who looks through his phone

*the other two shrug their shoulders and join Chifuyu in looking through Kazutora's phone*

Hakkai, when they finally found the person with who Kazutora contacted the most: Daddy? Didn't he break all the contact with his dad

Takemichi: He did....maybe it is someone he sees as his dad?

Chifuyu, smirking: Or he is into daddy kink

Takemichi, blushing slightly: ....That also works

Hakkai: Let's see the number and see if we recognize them *they proced to do just that*

Chifuyu, surprised: ....It is really him?

Takemichi: Unless he gave me a false number, then yes it is him

Hakkai: Huh....who would have thought Kazutora liked Rindou

Chifuyu: ...Or that they were into daddy kink

Takemichi: Yeah....

Chapter Text

Mitsuya, sighing: Sometimes I question why I am your friends

Draken: Because you are as chaotic as us

Mikey: You love us!

Baji: We didn't give you the chance of choosing someone else

Pah-chin: Because you like us?

Kazutora: ....I thought it was because we accepted being his mannequins for when he starts doing clothes

Mitsuya: ....

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Waaah! She is so amazing!

Sanzu: I know! She is the best!

Mikey: Ryoko-san isn't as amazing as my mom but I agree with you

Takemichi, confused: ....Who is Ryoko-san?

Mitsuya: Oh! I forgot you and Kisaki just joined recently

Pah-chin: The person they are talking about is Baji's mom, Baji Ryoko

Kisaki: And why is she considered so amazing?

Draken: She deals with Baji every fucking day

Takemichi/Kisaki: ....Understandable

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What was the most traumatizing moment in your life?

Hakkai: When Taiju gave me and Yuzuha the talk

Chifuyu: Same as Hakkai but it was my mom

Angry: .....Mochi had to be the one to give me and Smiley the talk after a member if his gang made some indecent comments about us and we didn't understand

Sanzu: Takeomi and Shinichiro trying to give us the talk but they were too embarrassed so Mansuke-san was the one who had to do it.

Takemichi: .....I thought that every school had a class were they gave that talk

Chapter Text

Hina: That’s why we needed to get an expert.

Baji: Oh really? Who did you get?

Hina, staring: …

Baji: Oh! Right, that’s me.. yes.

Chapter Text

Hanma: *bullying Kazutora*

Chifuyu, later: *accidentally hits Hanma with their car*

Hanma: You hit me with your car.

Chifuyu: You hit my car with your body.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Mucho, you know Mochi better than anyone. I’m sure you’ll find the perfect gift.

Mucho: And you’re sure its not…

Mitsuya: It’s not a tie.

Mucho: Okay.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Do what you want Haru, its the least I can do as you’re going to help Senju with their homework tomorrow while I visit wine country.

Senju: *gasps* I want to go!

Sanzu: No, Senju, thats just what Take-nii calls lying on the trampoline in the backyard drinking chardonnay.

Senju: Oh.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I had a stalker while on a business trip in Spain last year. She stood outside my apartment every day for weeks, all day. I was so bored and lonely that I went out and had dinner with her. I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: And here we have a capitalist.
Mochi: Did you just-
Koko: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Sometimes I forget sad jokes are only funny on the internet. I told this guy I wished the earth was flat so I could yeet myself off the edge and he just got concerned.

Chapter Text

*Takemichi runs into the mansion's living room*

Takemichi: Someone call an ambulance!

Kakuchou: What?!…An ambulance?

Mikey: For you? Are you dying?!

Takemichi: No, not for me. 

*Takeomi runs in, being chased by an angry Sanzu*

Takemichi: For him!

Sanzu: Takeomi you dare insult my Michi!!

Takeomi: I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Takeomi: Yeah, but it's usually an oncoming train.
Shinichiro: Could you not kill my vibe for, like, five seconds?

Chapter Text

Ryusei: What are you doing?

Kazutora: *snuggling in Ryusei's arms* Hiding

Ryusei: Don't you mean… hugging?

Kazutora: Did I stutter? This is my safe place. Now shut up and put your arms around me

Chapter Text

Baji: Where are my fucking glasses?
Ryusei, covering Chifuyu's ears: Baji, not in front of Chifuyu, say it nicer?
Baji: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my fucking glasses, sir?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Kazutora, it's 10 degrees come inside before you die of hypothermia!
Kazutora: Well that's ironic, it's freezing but I'm still having a meltdown!

Chapter Text

Ran: You are not my target. I will not take your life. You are free to go, but do not follow me.

Angry: ...

The 500 or more random people in the afterlife: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Random person in the afterlife: Awwww! The power of true love! How adorable!

The 500 or more random people in the afterlife: SHUT UP DAIKI!

Chapter Text

Baji: Knock knock .
Sanzu: Who’s there?
Baji: When, where.
Sanzu: When, where, who?
Baji: Tonight, my place, you and me.
Mikey, across the room: Damn, that was smooth

Chapter Text

Baji: Someone described Ryusei’s skin as ‘sun kissed’ recently, and now the sun’s about to catch these hands.

Chapter Text

Hanma: When I was little, Barbie always said I could be whatever I wanted.
Hanma: So I decided to be a nuisance.

Chapter Text

Senju: Boob is too funny......tit is too aggressive.....breast is too formal.....

Emma: It’s seven in the morning

Chapter Text

Draken: What is a cute gender neutral thing to call your partner?

Naoto, looking at Hanma: Significant annoyance

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Ran won't wake up, what do I do?
Rindou: Did you try kicking him?
Kakuchou: Yes.
Rindou: I'm out of ideas, then.

Chapter Text

Emma: Chome, I think you use silence and anger as a way to keep people from getting too close to you.

Chome: Yes, I do. 

Chome: *pointedly looking at Choji who is sleeping on the couch with his head on Chome's lap* : But it doesn't always work.

Chapter Text

Ryusei: We don't need those, I have a lighter.
Ryusei: We just need some hairspray to make a flamethrower.
Ryusei: Time to fry some bitches.
Y/N: Nobody is frying any bitches.

Chapter Text

Izana: Everything feels like a waste of time, nothing I ever do makes me happy. I have no desire.
Akkun: *stumbles around*
Izana: Never mind, I want him.

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: Is everything alright?
Mikey, grinning and flashing two thumbs up: Nope!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I'm the straightest person here, alright? I wouldn't date a dude.

*Benkei getting out of his bike*

Shinichiro: Scratch that, who is he?

Chapter Text

Draken, knocking: Mikey, open up.
Mikey, from the other side: Why?
Draken: We need to talk.
Mikey: How many of you are there?
Draken: Uh...
Takemichi: Two.
Mikey: Talk to each other.

Chapter Text

Emma: *texting Draken* 

Senju: *reading the text over her shoulder* 

Senju: “Hey” with 11 Y’s??

Senju: *snatching the phone away* No miss, we are not that thirsty. 

Chapter Text

Rokuhara Tandai+Senju, in the car: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!
South+Benkei & Takeomi: We have food at home.
Kakuchou+Wakasa, muttering: I hate this fucking gang.

Tenjiku, in the car: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!
Izana: *pulls into the drivethrough*
Tenjiku: *cheering*
Izana: one black coffee please.

Toman+Valhalla, in the car: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!
Mikey+Hanma: McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!

Chapter Text

Takuya: *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.
Yamagishi: Hot dog costumes!
Akkun: I’m sorry, what?
Yamagishi: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Makoto, goes mad with hunger, we’ll put these on. Makoto is vegetarian he hates hot dogs, so he probably won’t eat us.
Takemichi: Are you saying that Makoto would rather eat us than hot dogs?
Makoto: I do hate hot dogs.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Are we going to see the warrior unicorns at the zoo?
Takeomi: The what now?
Shinichiro: He means the rhinos.

Chapter Text

Hina: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn’t require insulting each other every time you get a chance?
Draken & Hanma: No.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I’ve missed months of school while I’ve been in the hospital and my education is fine
Takuya: You thought Missouri was in Central America
Takemichi: It’s the centre of America 
Takuya: You think cave men killed the dinosaurs 
Takemichi: Were you there?

Chapter Text

Hina: What do you have to say for all the recent allegations against you?

Hanma, getting his gun: What allegations?

Hina: That you’re a simp for Kisaki

Hanma, immediately calm down and sits back down: Oh, those are true

Hina: You’re not going to contradict it

Hanma: Nope *pops the p*

Chapter Text

*Kantou Manji Gang assigning their dog personalities to each other*

Koko: Don’t beat yourself up but you’ll probably never guess what kind of dog I am.

Sanzu: You're right. I'll never guess what kind of dog you are…

Sanzu: Because you're not a dog. You're a cat. You're temperamental. You're unpredictable, complex, and hard to read. You make people work before you let them in. But if they put the time in and prove that they care, then you open yourself up to them. Right?

Kantou Manji Gang: *shocked silence*

Koko: *smiles*

Chapter Text

Mikey: Hey Emma, you want to go to the meeting tonight? 
Emma: I can’t I’m going on a date 
Mikey: You’re what? 
Emma: Yeah. Keisuke set me up with this friend he has who-
Mikey: *turning to Baji angrily* yOU WHAT

Chapter Text

*Hina kicking a thug *
Takemichi: Gosh, Hina is so sexy
Akkun: She's hitting a man. 
Takemichi: Wow, really.... But she remains sexy.

Chapter Text

Mikey, about Hina: My girlfriend is an angel and makes me want to be a better person.
Senju, about Yamagishi: My girlfriend is crazy as fuck and is probably taking me to hell with him but it's alright because I'm already going to hell.

Chapter Text

Emma, cooking with Senju: *taste testing the food*
Senju: How is it? 
Emma: The pancetta tastes weird
Senju: Oh, that's cuz it's tofu
Emma: ...what? 
Senju: It's tofu. 
Emma: Senju, I trusted you to help me and give a recipe and you turn on my back and do an improv? 
Senju: I followed it down to the micro besides the pig! 
Emma: ...Get out.

Chapter Text

Hina, drunk: You’re so hot
Yuzuha: Oh- uh- thanks, Hina-
Hina: And spicy
Yuzuha, smiling a little: Okay, Hina, I think it's time I got you home-
Hina, wrapping her arms around Yuzuha: My buffalo chicken wing

Chapter Text

Sanzu: You might wanna slow down...

Hina: It's fine, I have a high metabolism. 

Sanzu: Those are edibles. 

Hina: Yeah I know dude, that's why I'm eating them. 

Sanzu: They're full of cannabis..

Hina: *eyes widen in fear* A-All of them? 

Sanzu: How many did you just eat, Tachibana? 

Hina: U-uhm- ten? *whispers* twelve

Sanzu: Oh god..  that amount with your body weight *sucks air through his teeth* It's fine, you're fine


Chapter Text

Kazutora: This is our son, Ryusei.

Izana: I’m aware.

Kazutora: This is my son you’ve never been introduced to, Chifuyu. 


Kazutora: And this is my lovely daughter, Hina. 

Izana: You can’t just adopt people when you feel sad, Kazutora.

Chapter Text

Takeomi, looking at Sanzu, Koko and Ran: So, how was your mission? How did it go for the three of you? What did you do?
Ran: Normal stuff. Exploring the building, fighting stupid delinquents, making out with each other, stuff like that.
Sanzu: They are very good at making out.

Chapter Text

Yamagishi, while hugging Senju: Me and my boyfriend don't argue. She tells me to shut up and I do.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, with Akkun and Yamagishi behind him: Hey, trust me. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine.

Takuya: Telling me not to worry is like telling Makoto to try tea instead of coffee.

Makoto, crossing his arms like a child: Never happening.

Chapter Text

Draken: I won’t take a bullet for anyone because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.
Mitsuya: …
Mitsuya: Ya know, you probably just made a ton of songs seem completely pointless.

Chapter Text

*Draken walks into D&D Motors*

Inui: Draken, the bags under your eyes have bags. What’s wrong?

Draken: Emma she-

Inui: Is keeping you up because she has constant nightmares?

Draken: No Seishu, Emma’s been-

*Emma skips in, a blissful look on her face*

Emma: Darling, are you not coming back? We’re still trying for a baby, Ken. 


Chapter Text

Takemichi, waking up: Ah, damn, what time is it?

Hina: It’s about 3 am, you hungry?

Takemichi: Hell yeah let’s go eat

Chifuyu, on the cusp of breaking down: Partner, you just woke up from a coma, why do you two aLWAYS DO THIS-

Chapter Text

Mikey: Cake is the best.
Senju: No, Mikey.  That would be pie.
Mikey: How should I know?  You've never eaten cake before.
Emma: Guys, calm down!  Everybody knows both cake and pie are great treats!
Sanzu: Then it's settled!  We'll bake cookies!
*at the same time*
Mikey: Oh yeah.  Cookies.
Senju: I like cookies.
Emma: Y'know, cookies sound so great after all.

Chapter Text

Senju: Describe your relationship with Mikey. 
Takemichi: We’re rivals. 
Hina: Rivals that kiss. 
Takemichi: And rivals that are getting married next year. 
Hina: You’re invited to the wedding. 

Chapter Text

Hanma Quick! Everybody hide!

Hanma: *dives behind the bed*

Chome: *tries to flatten himself against the wall*

Baji: *tries and fails to fit under the bed*

Hanma: We all did a terrible job!

Chapter Text

Ran: Are you ever going to listen to me?  
Mitsuya: Yes. Absolutely. 
Ran: When?  
Mitsuya: When you're right. 

Chapter Text

Ryusei: I feel like one day Chifuyu and Kazutora are just going to secretly plan our wedding without our say and just send us an invitation when they have it all set up.
Baji: But Ryu we’re not even engaged yet...?
Ryusei: Do you think that’s going to stop them?

Chapter Text

hanma: Hey how much money do you have?

Shion: 69 Cents...

Hanma: Oh- You know what that means!

Shion, in a whiny voice: I don't have enough money for chicken nugget...

Chapter Text

Chonbo: We, the Valhalla gang, are playing family charades. Emma pointed at me. Everyone guessed alcoholic

Chapter Text

Emma: Are you still married to Baji?
Kazutora: We got married two weeks ago.
Emma: So it's pretty serious, I guess. Congrats!

Chapter Text

Hina: Why do you look like that?
Baji, laying face down on the floor: Like what?
Hina: Like you’re dead. 
Baji: Because I'm dying. Leave me here to perish. 
Takemichi: Baji accidentally called Takuya “babe” in front of the whole gang. 
Baji: *sobs into the floor*

Chapter Text

Shion: I bet you can’t make a sentence without the letter a.
Kakuchou: I love you, Shion.
Shion: O-okay, you win.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: You're not in love. You may think you are, you dumb fuck, but you're not. 
Mitsuya: Yeah, well, how do you know the difference? 
Yuzuha: I'm not into guys. 
Mitsuya: Yeah, nobody's perfect.

Chapter Text

Baji: A decision had to be made.
Chifuyu: And you fucked it up!

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I have nothing to say.
Shinichiro: That's okay, it was probably depressing anyway.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Accept your flaws, you'll feel better. It worked for me
Shinichiro: You've accepted your flaws?
Wakasa: No, I've accepted yours 

Chapter Text

South: If any of you use my name again, I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions? 

Shinichiro: Which alphabet? 

South: ... 

Shinichiro: Sorry, you really didn’t want these questions, did you?

Chapter Text

Rindou: *coughs*
Ran: *dives off the couch and slams into wall trying to get away from Rindou*
Rindou: What the hell. I don't have the plague...

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Alright, which one of us is gonna check outside?
Baji: Not me!
Hanma: Not me!
Shinichiro: … 
Shinichiro: Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: That moment when straight people assume you’re one of them and you feel like a secret agent. 
Emma: Lesbionage.
Mikey: Bi spy. 
Izana: On an ace case.
Baji: Secret gaygent.

Chapter Text

*Angry stirs from their slumber*

Senju: Angel, wake up!

Angry: Huh what?

Senju: If we had babies, would they have your looks and my brains? Or would they have my looks and your brains?

Angry: Hmm…option two. You’re such a gorgeous sight

*Senju blushes*

Senju: Angel?

Angry: Yeah?

Senju: I wanna have a baby...NOW

Chapter Text

Mikey/Baji: But we can't live without you, Haru! You are the one who makes sure we don't die from our stupidity!

Sanzu: Then die

Chapter Text

Shion: They can't make me admit France exists, right? Legally, that's not allowed.  
Shion: Sure, if France was REAL I'd say I liked it.  
Shion: But who's to say.  
Ran: I think France isn't real.  
Rindou: Ran, you've been to France.  
Ran: And??? 

Chapter Text

Teacher: As today is only our first class, we will just be presenting ourselves. I want you to tell me your name, gender, age and best subject

Mikey: Sano Manjirou but I prefer Mikey, dorayaki/taiyaki, 15 and English!

Teacher: ...

Class: ...

Teacher: I said gender not favourite food

Mikey, smiling: And I said my gender is dorayaki/taiyaki

Teacher, sighing: Very well, class continue with the presentations

*the next day with another class*

Teacher: Please start your presentations

Baji: Sir!

Teacher, feeling the start of an headache: Yes?

Baji: What is gender?

Class: ...'This guys dresses like a nerd but he is dumb'

Teacher: ...Excuse me?

Baji: Yeah, what is gender?

Teacher: ...Do you know someone named Sano Manjirou?

Baji: Yeah, he is one of my childhood friends. Why? Is he connected to what gender is or something?

Teacher: No but I was just curious. Can one of you please explain your classmate what gender is, please?

*two days later in another class*

Teacher: Before we start the presentations, I have a questions

Class: *looks curiously at their teacher*

Teacher: Do any of you know or are childhood friends with Sano Manjirou and Baji Keisuke?

Class: ...

Sanzu, sighing: Yes, I'm their childhood friend.

Teacher: If I ask you what your gender is, will you answer me truthfully?

Sanzu, confused but also knowing his friends did something stupid: Yeah, I'm genderfluid but you can use the pronouns they/them if you aren't sure how I feel

Teacher, relieved: That's good

Sanzu: May I ask why you asked that, sensei?

Teacher, looking done with everything: Mikey said that his gender is dorayaki/taiyaki and the other one didn't know what gender was.

Sanzu: ...

Class: ...

Sanzu: I apologize for that, they are both idiots and the smarts all went to Mikey's siblings and Keisuke's mother

Teacher: Thanks kid

Chapter Text

Kisaki: I find your lack of equilibrium disturbing.
Shinichiro: You and me both, buddy

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: What the hell is Mikey doing?

Draken: I don't know and I don't care at this point

Angry: ...I think he is trying to rip that man's arm off

Mitsuya/Draken: ...What?!

Peh-yan: How do we stop him?

Mitsuya: Don't look at me, I have no idea

Draken: I love my life too much to try and stop him when he is murderous

Baji, looking at Sanzu: Haru, love of my life and father of my not inexistent kids-

Chifuyu: Baji-san?!

Sanzu: First, ewww! I would never be with you Keisuke, you are like the younger brother I never wanted

Baji: That hurt

Sanzu: Second, why does it need to be me? You can also do it

Mucho: Do what?

Baji: Because he would believe you on that faster than he would me

Sanzu: ...

Takemichi: What are you guys talking about?

Sanzu, growling: You better pay me for this!

Baji, grinning: Promise, Haru-nii!

Pah-chin: You know each other?

Sanzu: Sadly, I'm childhood friends with him and Mikey

Hakkai: Ohhh, I see

Mitsuya: Didn't know that

*Sanzu sighs before making his way to where Mikey was still trying to rip the man's arm off*

Mikey, growling: Don't you dare put yourself in the middle, Sanzu

Sanzu: What would Aunty say if she saw this, Manjirou?

Mikey, stopping to look at Sanzu: Aunty?

Sanzu; Yes, Aunty Sakurako would be disappointed if she saw this

Mikey: ...Mama would?

Sanzu: Of course, while she never cared about you fighting other people you know that she wouldn't want you to kill or permanently injure someone

Mikey: Oh, Mama did dislike that

Sanzu: Come on, let's go to the others. We can call the police to take this man since he did try to hurt Emma-chan

Mikey: Mama would be proud if I did that, wouldn't she?

Sanzu, smiling softly: She would, Aunty Sakurako would be so proud of her angel

Mikey, grinning: Your right! Let's call the police and then take Emma to eat at Cozy Corner with us!

Sanzu: Whatever you want, my king

*back with the others*

Smiley: It is that easy?

Baji: Not really

Draken: Then how did Sanzu stop Mikey do easily?

Baji: Because he brought up how disappointed Aunty Sakurako would be of him

Kazutora: Aunty Sakurako?

Baji: Yep! Mikey is a Mama's boy!

Chapter Text

Baji: Does anyone want to see a butterfly?

Ryusei: Sure.

Kazutora: For goodness sake, no…

Baji: *chucks a stick of butter across the room*

Chifuyu: …Majestic?

Chapter Text

Ryusei: That is a nice ass shirt.

Angry: Thank you, but, to be honest, it's called "pants" not an "ass shirt."

Chapter Text

Takeomi: The fact there’s only two numbers between 4 and 7 is so twisted and fucked up. I’m literally gonna be sick
Benkei: The kids are learning how to count
Shinichiro: Technically there’s an infinite amount of numbers between them but I’m afraid that if I try to explain decimals I’ll either lose my gay card or get shot.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Only the good die young?
Hanma: Phew, good thing I’m so incredibly awful. 

Chapter Text

Kidnapper: We are with your boyfriend.
Takemichi: Which one?
Kidnapper, confused: The one with black hair
Takemichi: Be more specific  
Kidnapper: Clear eyes 
Takemichi: Not helping... Kazutora, Chifuyu, Hanma and Kisaki are like that ... but it doesn't matter, any of them will end you quickly, good luck.

Chapter Text

Ran, washing the dishes: Who the fuck used this pan??  
Ran: Wait. I the fuck used this pan…  
Rindou: It was you the fuck.  
Ran: It was I the fuck... 
Sanzu: Who cooks rice in a pan?  
Rindou: He the fuck.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Hello my beautiful brother! Just wondering, did you eat my ice cream as it seems to have disappeared and I was so looking forward to eat it.
Ran: Maybe.
Rindou: Fucker.

Chapter Text

Ryusei: Okay, I'll be back later

Baji: Alright, I'll try not to set the place on fire while you're gone

Ryusei: You joke as if that isn't a valid fucking concern


Baji: you know what? That's fair

Chapter Text

Hina: *pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*

Chifuyu: Where did you get that?

Hina: My bag

Chifuyu: How do you keep a glass of water in your bag?

Hina: Skills of a lady. 

Chapter Text

Shion: I want my furry feet! 

Izana: Stop. Just say slippers.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Hey Draken, is the door locked or something? Why can't we get in?

Draken: Oh, Chifuyu is missing their emotional-support spider named Aracne. Sanzu and Takemichi are helping them find it.

Mikey: *high-pitched screaming*

Draken: I think someone found it

Chapter Text

Takeomi: What are you two doing?
Senju: Our candy rolled under the sofa so we're trying to fish it out using Sanzu's sword and my sock
Shinichiro: You know you don't have to eat candy that's fallen on the floor
Mikey: We still will eat candy fallen on the floor, but it's nice to know that we don't have to 

Chapter Text

Senju: A few days ago, Makoto told me that when he plays online comp games, responds to dudes getting angry by saying ‘a kissaroo from me to you’ in a slightly goofy voice.
Senju: He said they absolutely lose their shit every time, insisting things like ‘I don’t want a kissaroo from you! Only tall blond girls!’
Senju: He said that they always say ‘kissaroo’
Senju: I can’t stop thinking about this

Chapter Text

Takuya: My gay rage grows stronger every day. 

Chapter Text

Mikey: “Because of reasons” is always a legitimate reason.

Baji: “Because screw you, that’s why” is also acceptable.

Sanzu: “For science” is good too.

Senju: Don’t forget “The stars are not in position”.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, looking at Benkei: I'm not gay but DAMN

Akane: You don't have to be gay to appreciate a good looking guy

Shinichiro: Nah, I'd fuck him

Akane: Oh, okay, shit

Chapter Text

Kazutora, to Baji and Chifuyu: On our first date, I'll carve our initials into a tree.

Chifuyu: Aww, that's so romantic

Baji: Yeah

Kazutora: It's the most romantic way to show you I have a knife

Chifuyu: ...

Baji: ...To protect us, right?

Kazutora, smiling: Fuck up and you will find out

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: This is about the size of one Draken.
Draken: What is?
Mitsuya: This hug.

Chapter Text

Emma: Why are you listed on the dark web as an assassin-for-hire?



Sanzu: Why were you looking for assassins on the dark web?

Mikey: Uh-

Emma: Because there’s none on google. 

Chapter Text

Mikey, when asked about Takemichi:  I hate to say it — I hope I don't sound ridiculous — I don't know who this man is. I mean, he could be walking down the street, I wouldn't...I wouldn't know a thing.

Chapter Text

Naoto: You just murdered that man!

Draken: …Yeah. He was a murderer and a human trafficker. So what I believe you were trying to say is “Thank you.”

Naoto: “Thank you”?!

Draken: You’re welcome!

Naoto: What? No-! I-!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Hey, are u a terrorist?

Ran: Wait, hold up


Chifuyu, about to type 'cuz ur the bomb':

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Oh, don’t you boo me. He stole my girlfriend!

Takemichi: I didn’t steal your girlfriend. She came running!

Chapter Text

Draken: Inui, can you pass me my will to live?
Inui: Sorry, Naoto is still working.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I have a crush.

Draken: Always a crush, never a therapist. 

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: The base is gone into lockdown I need the emergency tools to get it open
Makoto: I gave them to Takuya
Takuya: I gave them to Akkun
Akkun: I gave them to Naoto
Naoto: I gave them to Takemichi
Takemichi: I left them at the park

Chapter Text

Takeomi, done with Senju and Sanzu: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one, you'll be fined.

Senju: Heck.

Sanzu: Bullcrap

Takeomi: You're on thin fucking ice.

Takeomi: Oh shit.

Chapter Text

Baji: I have a plan.
Kazutora: I have the hospital on speed dial.

Chapter Text

*Emma, Hina, Senju and Sanzu hanging out in Emma’s bedroom*

Senju: I'd never thought I would say this. But I am actually having a good time!

Mikey: *barges into the bedroom*

Emma: *annoyed* Hey! What are you doing here, Mikey?

Sanzu: *painting Hina's nails* Yeah, this is girls night.

Chapter Text

Ran: Well, what a day that was. Absolutely packed with fun-stuffed memories. But I'm off to bed now, thank you.
Smiley: It's one in the afternoon.
Ran: Is it? Oh, shit.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: There's no need to be afraid of me. I don't bite.
Ryusei: Yea, but do you stab?
Kazutora: *holding up his knife, looking back at Ryusei* I don't bite.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: He's a 10 but he'll text you all day about the random trivia he learned.
Shinichiro, smiling: So what you're saying is - he's good looking, attached to me, and has a chance of winning us trivia money every other week? I'm sold.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Being Mikey's boyfriend is like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by an airplane 

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Holy fucking shit!!
Benkei: Language!
Wakasa: Putain de merde!!
Benkei: I- that's not what I meant. 
Takeomi, from across the room: Did he just swear in french? Oh my god, I'm fucked

Chapter Text

Hina: Something tells me Mikey's going to be a bit more unhinged from now on...  
Mikey: *holding a lit match and a bag of cheetos* 
Takemichi: Leave him be. He deserves to be as unhinged as he can. 

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Bye now, don't forget to eat the lunch I packed for you. 

Ryusei: Don't talk to strangers. 

Baji: If anything happens, just call and we'll come pick you up. 

Kazutora: Don't get lost, be careful, okay? 

Takemichi: ...I-I'm just going to the library, though. 

Chapter Text

Baji: If I could rearrange the alphabet the first thing I'd do is put U and I together

Angry: If you could rearrange the alphabet the first thing you would do is spell SEX and then laugh about it with my brother 

Baji: …You know me so well

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Hot air balloons kick ass.
Takuya: Are they safe?
Takemichi: Not really.
Takuya: Can you stop if you don't like it?
Takemichi: Think again.
Takuya: But can you steer?
Takemichi: Listen don't bring that negative energy into this wicker basket okay I'm gonna light this flamethrower.

Chapter Text

Rindou: When I found Angry it was like an angelic choir sang down from the heavens
Ran: And when I found Shion he was wandering outside a Walmart at 2am

Chapter Text

South: Look, you seem very nice.
Senju: Thank you!
South: I have no room in my life for people like that.

Chapter Text

South: …and that’s why I’m not allowed at Applebee’s. 

Rindou: How are you not on some watchlist??? 

South: Do you honestly think 'South' is my real name?

Chapter Text

Ryoko: Why is your report card taped to the ceiling?? 
Baji: You said to raise my grades!
Ryoko: This is why your grades are what they are, aren’t they? 

Chapter Text

Koko: Everyone, pretend to be gardening. Rindou, grab that hoe.

*Rindou grabs Sanzu* 

Sanzu, with a glare: That's not what he meant! 

Chapter Text

Makoto: Why do people have quiet and respectful funerals? When I die I want my ashes mixed with glitter and pecked tightly in a coffin. and then they blow up the coffin and blast ‘Thanks for the memories’ by Fall Out Boy as the glitter rains down.

Inui: ....Dear gods

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: How does this work?

Hina: I’m dating Takemichi and Emma

Emma: And I’m dating Hina and Takemichi

Takemichi: And I’m dating the two most wonderful girls in the universe. 

*Emma and Hina hug Takemichi tighter*

Baji: Is Shinichiro okay with this?

Shinichiro: They leave their door open that’s all I ask. 

Chapter Text

Mikey: You kissed my brother? 
Takuya: In my defence it was very dark and he’s a very attractive guy 

Chapter Text

Hanma, stubbing his toe: FUCK! I'm dead, dying, I can already see the light. Tell the others I loved them and keep Kazutora out of my room there are things in my closet that will traumatize him...give that stuff to Ran-
Takemichi, breaking five ribs an arm and a leg and suffering severe internal bleeding: Well this is irritating.

Chapter Text

Akkun: *rolls over and knees Izana in the ribs*
Izana: Ow
Izana: You kneed me. 
Akkun, half asleep: Yeah, I do need you. 
Izana, choked up: Oh, okay. 

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: A study finds that eating ice cream for breakfast may improve mental performance.

Makoto: I'm not saying you’re wrong.....I'm just saying that the times I had ice cream for breakfast were not during the times my life was going well.

Chapter Text

Hina: Well, I warned you
Takemichi: You did
Hina: But did you listen?
Takemichi: No
Hina: Do you ever listen?
Takemichi: No
Hina: ...Are you listening now?
Takemichi: No

Chapter Text

Emma: Why does Wakasa wear makeup?
Shinichiro: To look pretty.
Emma: But he's already pretty.
Emma: You should wear makeup, Shin-nii.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I'm tired of people saying "here's my go-to lazy meal" and then they start chopping an onion.
Angry: I'm so sorry but it's risotto and it does have chopped onion. In my defence, I keep a giant bag of pre-chopped onion in the freezer.
Peh-yan: Your lazy meal is risotto?? What's your lazy dessert, a soufflé?? Is your go-to quick read waiting for the bus the Poetic Edda in its original Old Norse?!?
Chifuyu: Lazy meal: raw, uncooked steak straight out of the fridge.
Hakkai: Mine's a one-dollar pot pie. Cook it in the microwave.
Sanzu: Okay you two are getting food poisoning.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: What’s on your mind?
Ryusei: You, actually.
Chifuyu: Awww—
Ryusei: Specifically how you said ‘epitome’, you said epi-tome and that’s been replaying in my head ever since.

Chapter Text

Rindou: This is an outrage!

Rindou: I didn't get to work an hour late just to be the first one here!  

Chapter Text

Mikey: Izana, what’s nostalgia?

Izana: Oh, it’s when you miss something that’s really old.


Shinichiro: I'm back from work!

Emma: We missed you!

Mikey, whispering: Nostalgia.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I have 2 kids, I’m not risking it

Akane: Are you saying my life matters less because I don’t conform to society’s heteronormative, child- centric ideals?

Takeomi: Are you really playing the gay card right now?

Akane: *monotone* Yas queen

Chapter Text

Mikey: Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Mansuke: Leaving this house and becoming a productive member of society?
Emma: *snorts* Good one.

Chapter Text

Wakasa, zipping past the kids:

Baji and Mikey: ...?

Takeomi, clearly pissed, running after him: YOU CORNBREAD FED MOTHERFUCKER COME HERE-

Emma: What was that about?

Sanzu, going back to his DS so he can play with his pokemon: If I'm right, it's Waka-nii's turn to make an appearance at a gala with Take-nii. 

Senju, nodding sagely: He does hate those.

Chapter Text

Draken: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance? 

Izana: No. 

Mikey: No. 

Kakuchou: Didn't think so.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I wanna do bad things to you.

Hanma: Like what??

Sanzu: Like tie you up, keep you in my basement put a dagger to your neck and slit your throat

Hanma: Oooh kinky (;

Sanzu: ...........

Hanma: .........

Sanzu: I am trying to kill you dumbass

Chapter Text

Shion: 'Sleepy' is so much cuter than 'tired.' Everyone needs to stop saying 'tired' and start saying 'sleepy.'
Izana: I'm so sleepy of your shit.

Chapter Text

Hina: I'm sad...
Baji: The smallest bird egg belongs to the hummingbird and is the size of a pea.
Hina, actually crying: That's so cute...I want to see one now...
Baji: Why are you crying? The bird fact was supposed to distract you.

Chapter Text

*in bed*
Senju: Am I a bad girl?
Yamagishi: Yeah you’re a bad girl.
Senju: Oh yeah?
Senju: *pulls him closer*
Senju: So how bad am I?
Yamagishi, remembering Senju said she didn’t want dessert and then ate his: You’re a fucking nightmare.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I’m such a whore

Kakuchou: No, you’re not


Sanzu: Yes I am, you ignorant slut

Kakuchou: I am not a slut

Sanzu: Have you seen your hair?

Kakuchou: What does tha—


Kakuchou: *is standing with his hands on his hips*

Takemichi: He’s got a point, Kakuchou

Chapter Text

Shion: When we get married, do we get to have two bachelor parties with twice the amount of strippers?
Ran: Duh.

Chapter Text

Makoto: My uterus needs to stop cutting off its oxygen and act like an adult.
Takemichi: What.
Makoto: Period cramps are caused by your uterus contracting so hard it cuts off its oxygen, which sends a pain signal to the brain.
Akkun: Why couldn't you just say you had cramps??

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: Chris Pine is Edgin the bard

Inui: They are doing WHAT to the bard?!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: *pointing to Ryusei* Smartass.

Chifuyu: *pointing to Baji* Badass.

Chifuyu: *pointing to Kazutora* Nice ass.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: I actually hate it when relatives say, "sure looks like you're having a lot of fun in college!"
Yuzuha: I mean, of course! As if I would post the pics of me crying in the library on social media.

Chapter Text

Instagram: Type password
Pah-chin: Password
Instagram: Your password is incorrect
Pah-chin: Incorrect
Instagram: Try again
Pah-chin: Again
Instagram: You dumb shit-

Chapter Text

*Rokuhara Tandai is playing soccer*
Rindou: Are you upset you don’t get to be on the same team as South?~
Shion: Have you ever played a game with South?
Rindou: No…
Kakuchou: Have you ever been trapped in a cage with a wolverine?
*meanwhile, on the other side of the field*

Chapter Text

Senju: But…Mikey’s a boy


Sanzu: Senju.

Senju: Yeah?




Senju: Oh....Oh!

Sanzu: Yeah, oh


Chapter Text

Wakasa: *is fixing something on the gym*
Wakasa: Goddamn piece of shit, motherfucker!
Benkei: Wakasa, don’t spew profanity like that in front of the kids!
Wakasa: I don’t spew profanity! I enunciate it, clearly!
Wakasa: …
Wakasa: Because I have class, bitch!

Chapter Text

Mikey, greeting anybody: This is my brother, and this is my brother's ex-boyfriend!
Benkei, embarrassed: Sorry, what Mikey's trying to say is that I'm now Shinichiro's husband
Shinichiro, sniffling: I'm so proud.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I want to be in a relationship where when we're alone it's really calm and soft and cute but in public it's bastard time. Like babe go put on your most over the top batshit crazy outfit, we are going to cause trouble and look sexy together

Chapter Text

Hina, about Kisaki: This man can't be fixed, I can fuck him though. Maybe that will calm him down

Chapter Text

Chome, during a Valhalla sleepover: If I had a boyfriend, I would watch him do flips into the pool and say 'That was so fucking sick, babe' every time

Chapter Text

Hanma, talking to Chifuyu about Kazutora: No, YOU'RE looking at him respectfully. I'm objectifying him to filth, we are built different

Chapter Text

Hina: Do me a favour and stay alive, please

Takemichi: Eh

Chapter Text

Chonbo: Choji, I know you like using the walkie talkies but if you keep this up our relationship is over

Choji: Our relationship is what? Over. 

Chapter Text

Koko, scratching at his arm: There's a fucking mosquito in here and I can't catch him

Rindou: Oh shit hold on. Shiooooon?

Shion, not looking up from his book but holding out his hand: Give it.

Rindou, grinning and handing him a slipper:

Shion, flicking his slipper and crushing the mosquito against the wall beside Koko: Handled. 

Koko, bewildered: Did you just snipe a mosquito with a house shoe???

Rindou, wheezing as he snatches the remote from Koko: There we go, all the finesse of a Hispanic mom. Thanks, Shion.

Shion, invested in the fifteenth chapter of his book: Mhm.

Chapter Text

Emma: Would you rather stop making out with Shin-nii or tell your brother you are dating Shin-nii?

Sanzu: I think I'd rather kill myself 

Senju: We TALKED about this 

Chapter Text

Emma: Why can’t I have a normal brother?

Mikey, trying to raise the dead with Chifuyu and Hanma: ríšę, Rīsé!!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: You chloroformed the guard?!

Takemichi: I panicked!!

Peh-yan: Shit! We gotta do something or we're totally screwed!!

Hakkai: I don’t know what to do!! My whole brain is crying!!

Sanzu: Welp *pulls out a sword* No loose ends.

Inui: Guys, guys, guys. Hey, hey. No need for that. I have an idea.

Inui: It may sound a little weird, but trust me.

*hours later...*

Guard, coming to: ...What happened?

Angry, lying on the floor with the others: Oh, we ALL got chloroformed.

Chapter Text

Past Takemichi: I have got to go missing

Chapter Text

Mikey/Hina, about past Takemichi: He is a 10 but he disappears when he's not okay or things are too much for him to handle

Chapter Text

Rindou, pointing to Sanzu: You think he is hot? Wait until he draws out his katana, you will never believe how sexy someone fighting with a katana is until you see it

Chapter Text

Mikey, to Takemichi: No offense but I can't stop daydreaming about being able to hug and hold your hand whenever I want

Chapter Text

Sanzu/Hanma/Baji/Mikey/Izana/Kazutora: When will I be biblically recognized as a menace?

Sanzu/Hanma/Baji/Mikey/Izana/Kazutora: Meant to say publicly but you what, yeah

Chapter Text

*Akashi and Sano family during a Gala*
Takeomi: “Be appropriate” on three. Quietly. One, two, three.
Izana, Mikey, Sanzu, Emma and Senju: Be appropriate.
Shinichiro: Now, break it up. We look weird.
Izana, Mikey, Sanzu, Emma and Senju: Okay.
*the kids start to walk around*
Takeomi: Don’t move as a group. You’re not gazelles.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: In 1479, beetles were put on trial for 'creeping secretly in the earth'.

Koko, while counting his money: And yet we still let Sanzu, Ran and Rindou roam free...







Kakuchou: ...Koko

Koko: What? It is the truth

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I tried to have Takemichi killed. Isn't that personal?

Takemichi: That's okay, you thought I was going to hurt Mikey-kun. Plus it was kinda hot

Kakuchou/Mikey: ...

Chapter Text

Sakurako: There's something I want to tell you. Will you hear me out?
Shinichiro: Depends on what it is.
Sakurako: It concerns your father.
Shinichiro: Then no, absolutely not.

Chapter Text

Izana: I’m not mentally ill.
Izana: I just have to catch whoever keeps putting dirty dishes in the sink and kill them.
Izana: Then I’ll get to function normally.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: What the hell is that?

Senju, walking out of the elevator giddily with Sanzu: Its an alpaca!!

Benkei: ...

Sanzu: We got the last one

Wakasa: This ones on you *walks away*

Takeomi: Haru, Senju.....

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, and you're forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck? No one ever asked me if I want to be a duck!

Sakurako, patting Shinichiro’s head: Do you want to be a duck?

Shinichiro, crying: yEA

Chapter Text

Draken: You're annoying

Hanma: But you love me

Draken: Doesn't make you less annoying

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Draken: ...You're high

Hanma: Highly in love with you

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Hanma, texting Draken: Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful for all the times you rode this dick

Draken: Thanks...

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Angry: I mean, I don't think sucking dick is that hard

Smiley: Okay. How would you know?? 

Angry: Huh? I used to give Mikey, Draken and some other guys on the gang head before and after big fights. Ya know, to get them more relaxed.


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Shinichiro: When Mikey was born, the gods said, "He's too perfect for this world."
Izana: Please. When he was born, the devil said, "Oh, competition."

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Chonbo: We're not getting paid enough for this.

Kakuchou: ...But we don't get paid.

Gang parents: Exactly!

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Yamagishi, walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Senju, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.
Senju, sipping coffee happily: I love you too

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Peh-yan: Whenever a game has an elemental based fighting system, I always, without fail, apply Pokémon logic.
Angry: To be fair, Pokémon logic is rooted in normal logic.
Takemichi: Yeah, everyone knows a wrestler’s biggest weakness is the local pigeons.
Sanzu: Go outside and try to suplex a bird.
Chifuyu: Tell me how bug resists fighting.
Hakkai: Go outside and try to suplex a bug.

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*Ran and Kakuchou working on their late reports*

Ran: At least we are getting to spend quality time together doing this paperwork. 

Kakuchou: Yeah, totally. *stands up* I’ll be back in 50 minutes. 

Ran: *stands up too* What? Where are you going? We have to finish this by morning or Koko will kill us. I’m too young to die.

Kakuchou: I know, I just have something important I have to do.

Ran: *crosses his arms* What?

Kakuchou: I have to get… more pens.

Ran: Then why are you changing your clothes? You really think you can lie to me?

Kakuchou: No. *says ironically*

Ran: Aha! That was a lie, you do think you can lie to me.

Kakuchou: Yep.

Ran: Wait, was that a lie? 

Kakuchou: Maybe, see you later.

*Kakuchou comes back a hour later to help Ran finish the reports*

Ran: So… are you gonna tell me what important thing you had to do? 

Kakuchou: Koko. Now let’s get back to work. 

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Karen: Why can't we just leave Mikey and Emma at home with Izana? I think he's old enough now to babysit-
Sakurako: Because, Izana's idea of babysitting them is just "making sure they all survive."

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Hina: I just ate two very large spoon full of peanut butter… 

Mikey: And the problem with that is?

Hina: I hate peanut butter…

Takemichi: …I’m not ready to be a dad

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Wakasa: Don't take this the wrong way, but its starting to look like Shinichiro has an adoption problem.
Baji: Look, let me clarify this for you. Shinichiro doesn't adopt kids, kids adopt him and we give him little to no choice in the matter.
Takemichi: He's not wrong.

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Mikey, unpacks his lunchbox: Someone left me a message

Message: "I saw a chocolate cupcake in your lunchbox and as a member of the family that is (unwillingly) associated with you and (unfortunately) has a (limited, but) real investment in your physiological wellbeing, I have graciously protected you from a glucose overdose. So I changed it with an apple. Don't bother thanking me. Have the day you deserve. Regards, Izana. P.S., If you tell Shinichiro or Emma about this I will Find You."


Mikey: I don't know if I should be enraged or endeared-

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Yuzuha: Wow! He's going fast on that treadmill, I wonder what he's listening to

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Shion: Uno, dos, stress

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Hina: Welp, that was fun. Flirted with Emma, learned I was bisexual, and flirted with Emma some more. Now I’m going back to straight-dom. Goodbye.

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Sanzu, giving his presentation: -And I hate that were just born out of nowhere. I mean seriously. “Here, go to school so you can learn useless shit that our society deems necessary, and then go get a job where you’ll never be happy, but act happy or everyone will bug you.”
Sanzu: My point is that I think I should be a Stabby Roomba and I hate you all

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Sanzu: Mom, can we get a ride?
Takeomi, currently ringing up a customer: 
Shinichiro, stocking:
Wakasa, the customer:
Senju: Mom?? 
Takeomi, about to have a breakdown: I… I’ll take my 15 now..
Shinichiro, in tears: Take your time, I won’t tell a soul-

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Hanma: Can I ask a question?
Kakuchou: Shoot.
Hanma: *shoots the ceiling*
Hanma: Can I ask my question now?

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Emma: You’re cooking?

Shinichiro: Yup!

Emma: Are you sure that’s a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows.

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Mikey: I stay awake at night because I don't even know what my favorite color is, and I'm afraid I don't have a real personality.
Sanzu: Wow, that is dark.

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Hanma, plotting: Hey, if any pretty person asks, you're my son, okay?

Rindou, confused: But why Uncle Hanma? Papa Ran and Papa Shion are my papas.

Hanma: It worked for your Papa Ran to get your Papa Shion, so you're helping me score a date today!

Rindou, tearing up: But RinRin thought Uncle Hanma wanted to play with RinRin today! RinRin doesn't want to lie who Papa is!

Hanma, panicking: Okay, okay! That was a bad idea anyways. How about we get some ice-cream and play spies afterwards?

Rindou, teary eyed: Carry RinRin?

Hanma, apologetic: Of course Rindou. *picks up Rindou* Uncle Shuji is so sorry for making you cry. Let's get your ice cream, okay?

Kazutora: You two are so sweet! Is he your son? He's adorable.

Hanma, awkward laugh: Ah, no. He's my nephew. I'm looking after him today. He's a cutie right? Hahaha!

Kazutora: You're so good with him! Oh, I have to go, but we should meet up again! How about tomorrow noon at the coffee shop at 2nd Street? I mean, if you're free? Oh! How rude of me, my name is Hanemiya Kazutora

Hanma, stunned: Y-yeah! I'm free! I'm Hanma Shuji! S-see you then! *waves goodbye to Kazutora*

Rindou, smug: *being carried* You're welcome Uncle Franky. I got you a date without lying about Papa.

Hanma, shocked: You little- were you even really crying?!

Rindou, giggling: Maybe! You promised me ice cream Uncle Hanma!

Hanma, relieved laugh: I'll get you the biggest ice cream available Rindou!

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Y/N, when anyone offers them to join a gang: No thanks.
Y/N, thinking of all the ships they will be able to put together and how they can change Tokyo Revengers plot: I'm God.

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Hina: What is he doing..?

Mikey: Uhm… it… it looks like he’s talking to Kisaki..?

Takemichi: *whispering to Kisaki* Okay, so, the plan is, I’ll distract Senju, and then you go and jump into her lap okay? Got it? Let’s go!

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Past Takemichi, locked on his own mind, when Takemichi comes back to the past: I'm not afraid of be alone in this dark cell with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome.

Past Takemichi: Takuya, Kaku-chan, Hina, Mizo middle gang, those friends I don't remember making, losing memories if I even lived them...

Past Takemichi, crying: No one loves me, they are all going to leave me. Now I'm going crazy and probably also going to die alone.

Past Takemichi: Man, that happened fast.

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Takemichi: Can you help me out with something?
Takuya: That sounds like responsibility and I want no part in it

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Emma: Mom, are you gay?
Karen: I’m homophobic, Emma.
Izana: She’s dodging the question!

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Inui: You stabbed him in the eye with a toy screwdriver????

Makoto: Desperate times call for desperate measures!

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Hina: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?
Draken: What? No, I—
Mikey: *enters the room*
Draken: *clenches jaw*

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Shion: Do you believe in conspiracy theories?
Baji: No. 
Shion: Would you like to start one?
Baji: Absolutely. 

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Takeomi: So, demon spawns, what'd you get me for Christmas?
Sanzu, handing him a box: Here.
Takeomi: *opens box*
Senju: It's a first edition copy of Misery by Stephen King.
Takeomi: Oh, how original, even though I have 3 copies of these already.
Shinichiro: Takeomi, be nice
Wakasa: Even I have to admit that's a nice gift. The kids probably murdered their allowance for that.
Sanzu: Oh, no, I didn't. That's one of his copies.
Takeomi: Wait a minute, you stole my book and gifted it back to me?
Senju: Yes.
Takeomi: You little-
Sanzu: Look at the first page
Takeomi: *sighs and opens book* (;° ロ°) *carefully takes a seat then reads aloud the text* To Akashi takeomi, you can, you should, and if you're brave enough to start, you will. With best wishes, Stephen King
Senju: Yeah, Akane wanted to get her book signed so we got one of your copies and went with her. Sorry if you didn't want anyone writing on it, he kinda added a few things to your notes
Takeomi: (⚆ᗝ⚆) *shaking, while holding the book* Stephen King read my notes?!?!?!
Sanzu: Yes, I remember him complimenting them and saying you were very observant.

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Shinichiro: Four word horror story. "I heard my wife knock on the bathroom door, but then I remembered… Our bathroom doesn't have a door"
Akane: … I'm sorry, but the confusion about why your bathroom doesn't have a door outweighs any feelings of horror this might evoke
Shinichiro: Can't afford door. The horror here is the realities of life
Takeomi: So what the fuck was your wife even knocking on
Wakasa: This di-
Benkei: It's not even four words

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Sanzu, commenting quidditch: If anyone’s keeping track of how many times Ryuuguuji has been distracted by the Ravenclaw seeker and missed the quaffle so far in the match, please share it with me. My count is on eleven

Baji, also commenting: In other news Sano Manjirou wants me to publicly state that if Hufflepuff chaser Ryuuguuji Ken doesn’t take his eyes off his sister and start scoring he will make sure that Draken become the Haitanis only prank victim for the rest of the year.

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Smiley: I want to tell a joke, but I only remember the punch line.
Ran: Go ahead.
Smiley: Tooth-hurty.
Ran: When is the best time to go to the dentist?
Smiley: You complete me.

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Draken: I can't believe this
Naoto: Believe what?
Draken: That you'd do this to me
Naoto: What did I do-

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Mitsuya: Shake it. 
Y/N: *starts dancing*
Mitsuya: The container, Y/N. 
Y/N: …

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Baji/Ryusei/Kazutora/Takemichi: *doing something dangerous*

Chifuyu: 'Part of me thinks this is really self destructive behaviour but most of me just thinks it’s really hot.'

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Sanzu, storming into the living room with rainbow-dyed hair: ALRIGHT, which one of you jackasses did this???

Senju, with neon purple-dyed hair: *glances over at Mikey*

Mikey, with swirly pink and green-dyed hair: *glances back at Senju*

Senju: Heh-heh... Why are you looking at us...?

Mikey: Y-yeah... It could’ve been Baji and Takemichi...

Sanzu: It can't be them! They just spent the whole night trying to glitter-bomb each other!

Baji, covered in red glitter: No we didn't!

Takemichi, covered in blue glitter: Yeah! You can't prove it!

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Angry: Oh! He remembered.
Smiley: Remembered what?
Angry: It was like months ago and I saw this jacket in the window. I told Rindou it was just like the one dad had when I were kids. I can’t believe he remembered.
Mitsuya: I can’t believe he did this.
Mucho: Come on, Rindou? Remember when he fell in love with Sanzu and bought him that expensive cat jewel.
Angry: What did you just say?
Mucho: Cat jewel?
Angry: No, no, no. The love part. Rindou loves me?
Shion: Well…
*Angry finally realizes it*
Angry: Oh my…
Mucho, rubbing his head: Oh, no, no, no.
Sanzu: That’s good. Keep rubbing your head. That’ll turn back time.

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Shinichiro: Hey, have you deleted your social media accounts?

Izana: No, why 

Shinichiro: I couldn’t find your page the other day.

Izana: Oh it’s probably because I’ve changed my name on them

Shinichiro: What, why?

Izana: Well since everything with my parents came to light Kurokawa isn’t doing so well and I wanted to distance myself from it all

Shinichiro: Makes sense, what have you changed it to now then?

Izana: Mochizuki. Mochizuki Izana on Facebook and IzaMochi on Instagram

Shinichiro: As in Mochizuki Kanji?

Izana: Yeah it made sense you know, I mean legally it’s been Mochizuki since the wedding anyway.

Shinichiro, eyebrow twitching dangerously: What wedding?

Izana: Oh it was for a mission but we decided we were happy staying married so here we are.

Shinichiro, protective brother mode activated: You mean to tell me that you and Mochi have been secretly married?

Izana: I mean the Haitanis live-streamed it, if that helps?

Shinichiro, grabbing his heels: Nope.

Izana: Shin, what’s with the heels?

Shinichiro: It’s going to help me in my talk with Mochi

Izana: Shin, no! You can’t attack my wife!

Shinichiro, putting the bow down: Fine! 

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Mikey: You are supposed to bang your fist against mine.

Izana: Why?

Mikey: I am told it is a widely accepted gesture for mutual success.

Emma: I love it when you two impersonate normal people.

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Takemichi: Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey

Mikey: ...How did you know where I was staying?

Hina, smiling: Never you mind

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Emma: Ugh! I'm so tired of boys I wish I could date girls like you

Senju: You can

Emma: Oh Senju, you’re so funny

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Mitsuya: You lied?

Smiley: We may have.

Mitsuya: You may have or did you?




Angry: We may have did.

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Naoto: Can you sing me a song to help me sleep?
Mikey: Sure.
Mikey: *clears throat*
Hina/Takemichi, from the other room: MIKEY!
Mikey: Twinkle twinkle little star—

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Mikey: Everything is falling...
Mikey: ...The leaves... 
Mikey: ...The rain... 
Mikey: ...My mental health... 
Mikey: ...Takemichi *pushes Takemichi down the stairs*

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Yuzuha: Don't overreact.
Hakkai, already digged himself a grave and is shovelling dirt back onto himself: I'm not!

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Baji: Oh Ryusei brought me flowers....who does he want me to deliver them too?

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Mikey: I think my instincts about people are better than yours.

Takemichi: Why?

Mikey: Well, I picked you–

Mikey: You on the other hand, picked me.

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Izana, to Ran: Any idiot would know that!

Ran: But-

Shion: I knew that!

Izana, poiting to Shion: See?!



Izana: Shit...

Chapter Text

*during a fight*
Mikey: Don’t look at me like that!
Takemichi: Like what?
Mikey: Like I’m your everything!
Takemichi: But- I don’t know how else to look at you!

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Baji: Is the pink panther a lion? 

Kazutora: Say that again but slower. 

Baji: I don’t get it. 

Chifuyu: He’s a PANTHER. 

Baji: Is that a type of lion? 

Ryusei: No, it’s a fucking panther. 

Baji: *googles panther* They aren’t pink? 

Kazutora/Chifuyu/Ryusei: AND LIONS ARE?!

Chapter Text

*Chifuyu removes his sweaty T-shirt after exercising with his friends*

Chifuyu's mom: Chifuyu! What are those on your back? 

Chifuyu: What? 

Chifuyu's mom: It looks like someone has scratched you violently. Matsuno Chifuyu, how did those happen? 

Chifuyu: Umm...mum its nothing. 

Chifuyu's mom: Do not say it's nothing, young man. Those look awful. Tell me right now what happened? 

Chifuyu: I- umm...Peke J. Peke J attacked me yesterday. It was my fault too. I stepped on his tail in the darkness.  

Hina, grinning evilly: Are you sure, Chifuyu? It was Peke J or someone who is close to Peke J? 

Chifuyu's mom: What does that mean? 

Chifuyu: Nothing mum. Ignore her. I told you the cat attacked me. 

Chifuyu's mom: I am gonna prepare something to help you with those. Tell Kazutora to control the cat *leaves*

Hina: Yeah Chifuyu. You should really tell Kazutora to control...the cat I mean.

Takemichi, laughing: Yeah Fuyu. Tell him to control the cat. 

Chifuyu: Fuck you both. 

Chapter Text

Ran: Have you ever tried to juggle? 
Kakuchou: Yes, I'm juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.

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Hakkai: Can our goal be not to die today?
Mitsuya, watching Yuzuha as she puts make up on a sleeping Taiju: Sure, but it might be too much to ask for some of us.

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Izana: Shin-nii seriously, you're not gonna embarrass me when my friends come, right?

Shinichiro: No! God! I've been practiced my interpretative dance for weeks. It's gonna be really good.

*not far away from them*

Emma: Welp, Shin-nii is going to embarrass us all

Mikey: At least it is better than that time you, me, Haru, Baji and Sen arrived just in time to watch Shin-nii and Waka-nii suck each other's face

Emma: ...True, I'm still hoping grandpa will buy bleach so I can erase that image from my mind

Chapter Text

Kisaki/Mikey: I made you into a hero
Takemichi: You made me a psychopath 

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Taiju: This is the land of our people

Hakkai: This is not the land, this is a gay bar

Y/N: And did you say our?

Taiju: ...You didn't know I was bisexual?

Yuzuha, Hakkai and Y/N: No

Yuzuha: We thought you were homophobic

Taiju: I-I have been friends with benefits with Koko and Inui since I practically met them

Hakkai: ...That somehow explains so much but at the same time not

Y/N: So it is a family thing to be weak to pretty people?

Yuzuha: Seems like it

Taiju: Are we going to enjoy this night at bar or will we be just here talking?

Hakkai, Yuzuha and Y/n: Let's go and get drunk!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: *points to Emma*
Shinichiro: This is my favourite Emma. I waited forever to have her here. Isn't she precious.
Shinichiro: *points to Izana and Mikey*
Shinichiro: These are Traumatized Dumbass and Traumatized Glutton Dumbass. I found them in alley behind a dumpster. They try to murder each other sometimes.

Chapter Text

Shion: Do you think when butterflies are in love, they feel humans in their stomach?

Yuzuha: Shion, honey, sweetheart, the love of my life, what the FUCK?

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Random guy: *sits down next to Senju*

Senju: *scoots away*

Random guy: Hey now, I don’t bite sweetheart-

Sanzu: *slams hands down on table* I FUCKING DO-

Chapter Text

Senju: *holding her newborn child* They’re so beautiful.

Doctor: We’re gonna have to give them some shots.

Senju: Oh, hell yeah! Pour up, it’s their birthday.

Yamagishi: Senju no-

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Takeomi: Do you ever think about your future, Keizou?
Benkei: I do.
Takeomi: Am I in it?
Benkei: You are 'it'.

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Emma, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?
Baji, half asleep: Emma, this is a queen sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to himself* the Queen. 
Emma, already shoving Baji off the bed: Well then, god save the queen. 

Chapter Text

Sanzu, excitedly: Heeyy!! 

Ran: Hey, someone's excited. 

Rindou, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

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Shinichiro: Waka, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life? 

Wakasa: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all.

Chapter Text

*South and Shion are drinking together when Ran, Rindou and Kakuchou arrive*

Ran: Hey, guys! What are you drinking

South: Mate

Rindou: Aww! You consider us your mates?

South, with a disgusted face: Eww, no

Kakuchou, confused: Than why did mate?

Shion: We are drinking a mate, it's a drink that people from our countries drink

Ran/Rindou/Kakuchou: Ohhh...

Mochi, arrives looking tired: I need something to drink

Shion: Want a mate?

Mochi: Does it have caffeine?

South: It does

Mochi: Then give it to me

Chapter Text

Takemichi, talking about Bonten: Look, we know they can be aggravating, but you have to remember they’re not doing it on purpose. It’s just how they are, that includes their murderous side too. Oh, but they’re also loyal, and trustworthy and we have fun together.
Draken: You know, you’re describing cats.
Inui: Koko did scratch me once.

Chapter Text

*Mikey staring intensely at a bag of popcorn*

Takuya: What are you doing?

Mikey: I’m attempting to cook this bag of popcorn with only my psychic powers.

Takuya: ....What? Magic isn't real.

*Mikey still staring at the bag, ignoring him*

Takuya: *sighs and puts the bag in the microwave*

Mikey: Ha! My psychic powers work!

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Wait, have you two never been to therapy?
Mikey, referring to him and Izana: No. Don’t need it.
Takemichi: Not even after Shinichiro died?
Mikey: Nope.
Mochi: What about when you lost Baji and Emma and also almost lost Izana?
Mikey: Oh, that was crazy. I forgot about that.
Draken, to Izana: What about when your mother abandoned you and later told you that you were never her kid.
Izana: Was that a big deal?
Mucho: You were paranoid and started hallucinating!
Izana: I had everything under control.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Hey besties. I use they/ them pronouns. You might have heard of me in that one song that’s like “they see me rolling, they hating.” 

Kisaki: That's right. It’s me. 

Kisaki: A hater.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Emma was right.

Emma: Louder!

Mikey: I do not love this side of you.

Chapter Text

Senju: So you lied to me?
Mikey: That depends on how you define lying.
Senju: I define it as not telling the truth, how do you define it?
Mikey: ...Reclining your body a horizontal position.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Working in retail is like riding a bike.

Takemichi: Except the bike is on fire.

Takemichi: And you're on fire.

Takemichi: And everything's on fire because you're in hell.

Mikey: ...You okay, Mitchy?

Takemichi, with tears on his eyes: No, I never was okay

Chapter Text

Mikey: Why do crack when you could pull three all nighters in a row with your tears as hydration

Shinichiro: Mikey, I don't think that's a good coping mechanism either

Mikey: Would you rather I did crack?


Shinichiro: Well no-

Chapter Text

Mikey: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies. 

Takeomi: You’re too young to have enemies. 

Mikey: You don’t even know.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Lying to me in any other way than flattery is a mortal crime.

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Takemichi, to Mikey and Sanzu: You two are not making my life easy right now.
Mikey: Do we ever?
Takemichi: Good point.

Chapter Text

*Murderer kidnaps the Kawata and Haitani*
Murderer: Last words?
Ran: Am I handsome?
Angry: You can't be serious!
Smiley: You can only get dirty!!!
Ran: Priority, I either die beautiful or I don't.

Chapter Text

Y/N, to their friends while they visit the famous Sano house which is told to be haunted: They say some guy cursed this house 150 years ago...
Mikey, 150 years ago: Fuck this house!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: It's only stupid if we die doing it. Otherwise, it's heroism.

Chapter Text

Mikey: If I don't see my little meow meow in the next two minutes, I'm going to start breaking things. Possible objects. Possible fingers. Possible everyone in here

Takemichi, whispering to Hanma: ....Who is the little meow meow?

Hanma: How should I know? I just joined Kantou last week

Koko: I have been here since the beginning and I also do not know

Benkei: Is he talking about Haru or did he get a cat?

Inui: Sanzu?

Wakasa: Takeomi used to call him kitty cat and the others started to give him similar nicknames

Everyone: Ohhh

Sanzu: ......Mikey for the last fucking time, Mimi isn't a fucking cat! She is my baby leopard and not yours!

Mikey: I still want her here now!

Chifuyu; ....Did he say leopard?

Hakkai: I hope that we just heard wrong

Sanzu: She is at home!

Mikey: Then this fight is over, I want my little meow meow!

Sanzu, taking a deep breath: I'm so fucking done with you! *proceeds to leave being followed by Mikey*

Taiju: What the fuck did just happen?

Chapter Text

Baji: Okay, I have a plan.
Akkun: I hope it turns out better than your plan to cook rice in your stomach by eating raw rice and then drinking boiling water.

Chapter Text

Mikey: It has come to my attention that answering ‘how are you’ with ‘not dead yet’ may be alarming to some people

Chapter Text

Wakasa, to Benkei: Are you still angry with Shin?
Takeomi, to Benkei: Stab him.
Takeomi: I'll bail you out of jail.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Be on your best behaviour.
Shion: Completely!
Ran: No trouble from us!
*as soon as Mochi walks off*
Ran: Alright, you want to commit some arson?
Shion: Let's go.

Chapter Text

Mikey: There's nothing that can dent our impenetrable bond.

Takemichi: I have a secret girlfriend.

Mikey: You're dead to me.

Chapter Text

Mikey: It was for love!
Naoto: Cool motive. Still murder.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

Chapter Text

Hina and Takemichi: *in a date*

*Mikey appears and Takemichi cuts their date short to go and talk to Mikey*

Takuya, who works at the restaurant they are: Do you need anything else?

Hina: Yes, more wine and a place to hide a dead body

Takuya: ....I will ask Makoto if his dead friends know a place to do that

Hina, smiling: Thanks, Takuya!

Chapter Text

Hanma: Want to stay for a few more days?
Naoto: I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid I have a meeting with my employer.
Hanma: Oh you know, they called and cancelled the meeting.
Naoto, internally: 'He canceled my fake meeting.'

Chapter Text

Hina, spills her drink: Ah shit, Naoto can you get me a napkin or something?

Naoto: Yeah, sure

Naoto: *goes to Draken and rips his shirt off then gives it to Hina* Here you go

Hina: ...Thanks.

Chapter Text

Emma: Hey, I have been wanting to take something off my chest...

Senju: Go ahead, you know you can trust me.

Senju, internally: 'Please be your shirt, please be your shirt, please be...'

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: You okay, Mikey?
Mikey: Yeah, why?
Mitsuya: I mean I just watched you slip down a couple stairs, lay on the floor for a minute and then start singing the baby shark song.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, to Hina: Wanna get married?

Kisaki: I wanna marry her, fuck off.

Takemichi: Wanna do polyester or whatever that shit is called?

Chapter Text

Hanma: If you stack a lasagna on top of another lasagna, you still have one lasagna!
Takemichi:  its 4am and I just had an anxiety attack, shut up.

Chapter Text

Hanma: My therapist is selling her house, so I’m gonna find the listing and make her living room my Doom background before our next session. You wanna get in my head? Okay, well, I’m in your home, babe. I’m in charge now!

Hina:  Yeah… I see why you’re in therapy…

Chapter Text

Mikey, sighing: I'm in Spain without the spin.

Kisaki: What?


Chapter Text

Mitsuya, to Toman 2nd Generation: I have calculated our odds of survival, and have decided not to share the data.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Everywhere I turn, BAM, there’s Mikey or something that reminds me of him! He is always there.
Naoto: Yeah, that’s because you can’t stop following him around wherever they go and you are completely in love with him.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Wake up, we’re gonna be late to class

Emma: Oh my god, Mitsuya shut up it’s 8 in the fucking morning 

Emma: Wait

Emma: What are you doing in our house?

Mitsuya: I uhm… I'm not here, you’re dreaming, it’s all an illusion

Mikey: Why would Emma be dreaming about a shirtless Mitsuya Takashi, laying next to me in bed and trying to wake me up?

Mitsuya: I don’t know what kind of weird things Emma dreams about 

Emma: Excuse me, what the fuck is going on?

Mikey: You tell me…why are you dreaming about my boyfriend being shirtless?

Chapter Text

Ryoko, to Baji: You are grounded for a week
Baji: Hm, I thought it'd be longer, mom
Ryoko: And for the whole week, you are not allowed to interact with any type or form of cats
Baji: ༼☯﹏☯༽
*one hour later*
Ryoko: *sulking in the corner*
Baji: *playing with the tiger Sanzu got him and five cats Sakurako got him*
Sakurako, Sanzu and the whole Sano and Akashi families: *making sure Baji isn't crying anymore*
Mansuke, sitting near Ryoko while sipping his tea and reading his book: That was a really dumb thing to do

Chapter Text

Takuya: So let me get this straight. You've been in love with Koko all this time?
Inui: There's actually nothing straight about it, but yeah.

Chapter Text

Koko: "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy" I would.
Inui: "I'm not gonna sink to their level" I will, coward.
Akane: "I'm the bigger person" I'm five feet tall. Give me the sword, bitch.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I might start an off grid community 

Koko: Don’t let them, it’s a cult

Sanzu: Would there be rentable resources or??

Mikey: Yes! Solar, plenty of farm land, and we could still make money by selling to the outside world.

Benkei: That’s very cult-y

Mikey: No, because there is no religion

Wakasa: So a commune?

Mikey: You are missing the point-

Chapter Text

Baji: We should go to the park soon. I feel like I haven't been getting enough sunlight.

Baji: Or water.

Ryusei: ...Am I dating a houseplant?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Why would you do that?
Takuya: Because I feel guilty.
Kakuchou: Guilt is a trick emotion. It’s put there by your parents to stop you from doing things that feel good.

Chapter Text

Senju: Let’s do shots!!

Senju: *fills a shot glass with chocolate syrup*

Chapter Text

Angry: So, do you like to stay on top or bottom?

Takemichi: Uh—

*Smiley smiling maliciously at Takemichi and Angry*

Angry: You don't know? It's okay, we'll find out later tonight.

Takemichi, obviously feeling disturbed:

*later that night*

Angry: Have you decided?

Takemichi, disappointed: Below is fine.

Angry: Okay! *climbing the new top bunk*

Chapter Text

Mikey: This reminds me of a dream I had were I was kissing y-




Mikey: -a girl

Hina, unimpressed: Uh huh, good save

Chapter Text

Hina: I love you… I’d kill for you, you know that? I’d kill for y-

Takemichi: You just want an excuse to kill Mikey, don’t you?

Hina: …

Hina: Well…

Chapter Text

Taiju: One time I got in a Twitter argument I didn't really have any investment in so I drew an MS Paint doodle of myself as Christ on the cross and for some reason that didn't de-escalate the argument.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: The horrors of Bonten's leader, Sano 'Mikey' Manjirou, are way beyond my comprehension...
Also Takemichi: ...but they are not beyond my lust.

Chapter Text

Wakasa, texting Benkei while drunk: Keizou, I’m being kidnapped, I don’t know where I am or they’re taking me please send help.

Benkei, checking his phone and turning around in the driver’s seat: It’s me, pretty boy. I’m bringing you home.

Chapter Text

Taiju: Don't talk to me.
Angry: What if I need to say something?
Taiju: Fine, but no other exceptions.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I used to be awesome! Now after I started dating Hina and Takemichi, I'm just some boring, responsible guy.
Draken: You're still pretty irresponsible.
Mikey: Aww, Kenchin. You're just saying that 'cause you're my best friend.
Draken: No, I'm not. Yesterday, you took the batteries out of your smoke detector to put in your dancing duck toy.
Mikey: You noticed!
Draken: Yeah. In a bad way.

Chapter Text

Hina: Ever consider up?

Takemichi: On what?

Hina: This. Life. Everything!

Takemichi: No, because that would mean giving up on you.

Chapter Text

Senju: Gosh, I’m cold.

South: Here, take my hoodie, I’m not even that cold.

Senju: Thanks, I’ll give it back to you tomorrow.

*later in the Akashi house*

Senju, aggressively inhaling South’s scent while curled up inside the hoodie: I’m not giving this back.

Chapter Text

Senju: Take-nii, lend me money?
Takeomi, taking the wallet: Sure, how much?
Sanzu: $ 100, I'm charging $ 1 for every curse word Senju says.
Takeomi: Did she say 100 bad words? Senju!
Senju: It was Baji's fault.
Takeomi: Take $ 500, I'm buying Senju a swear-free pass for this week.
*30 minutes later *
Senju: Take-nii?
Takeomi: What is it?
Senju: I used my pass of the week.
Takeomi, shocked: It hasn't even been 30 minutes!
Sanzu: I accept card!

Chapter Text

Kisaki: I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.

Chapter Text

Mochi: *takes a bite* Amazing.

Akane: My curry?

Mochi: No, my patience for your cooking skills.

Chapter Text

Naoto: But to set up the context-
Hina: I survived and then died again.
Naoto: And Takemichi had to watch it

Chapter Text

Mikey: Something wasn’t right with Kenchin today…

Pah-chin: You’re right, we have to do something!

Mitsuya: Respect his privacy? Not interfere?

Baji: Nope! Spy on him until we find out what’s going on!

Chapter Text

Emma: How do I top Draken? I don't know how I'll see him that way, I haven't done it with him before.
Izana: I'll do it. Since you are so fucking complicated.

Chapter Text

Choji: Why do I have to have a licence to fly a plane? What are the cops going to do? Pull me over? I'm in da air, bitch!

Chapter Text

Koko: This is simple mathematics, how do you not know it? 
Baji: Actually, simple mathematics is "1 + 1 = 2". Anything beyond that is already complex.
Koko: But there's not even an "i" in it!

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: IDK can also mean “I DO know” so watch out

Chapter Text

Hanma: I’m not a killer. People just have a habit of dying within proximity of me

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Who else is hiding in the laundry room trying to listen to Takeomi and Mikey's convo?
Emma: Me. I'm in the laundry basket.
Senju: I'm in the washing machine.
Baji: I'm in the closet.
Emma: We accept you Keisuke.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Wanna come over? Nobody's home.
Baji: I'll be there in a few minutes!
Baji: I'm here, where are you?
Mikey: I told you nobody is home.

Chapter Text

Ran: Whatcha looking at?
Shion: Sorry, your legs look great in those pants.
Ran: You should see me without them.
Shion: Why would you take off your legs?

Chapter Text

Naoto: I come back from a book and it's like how the hell are you people just going on like this? Didn't you read the book with me? How is the real world so disconnected from the whole book world I just experienced?

Chapter Text

Baji: Oh come on, Choji, you're way smarter than me.
Choji: Big deal.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I’ll never be good enough for you, will I? No matter how hard I try.

Mikey: ...

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *bewildered* His username is "NaoTake"?
Kisaki: *keeps typing*
Takemichi: *flustered* His password is also "Takemichi"?
Kisaki: Still think Naoto's not in love with you?

Chapter Text

Takemichi, watching Sanzu and Draken fight for Mikey's hand: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?
Mikey, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine, they’re too evenly matched to hurt each other
Takemichi: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three?
Draken: Mikey
Sanzu: Mikey
Mikey: Me

Chapter Text

Mikey: So my puppy got a puppy

Sanzu: Hi 

Takuya: Hi 

Mitsuya: Wh-

Mikey: Anyway

Chapter Text

South: I don't take kindly to insults. 
Senju: Funny, with a face like yours, I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I'm a confident adult. Nobody can bring me down.

*two minutes later*

Takemichi, crying: Chifuyu, Hina called me a bitch boy!

Chifuyu, sighing: Shouldn't you already know not to annoy her when she is on her period

Takemichi: B-but I just wanted to surprise her with the cake me and Tora did!

Chifuyu: 'God, give me patience' *pats Takemichi's head* I'm sure she will apologise soon and you can give her the cake

Takemichi. O-okay...

Chapter Text

Ran: I don't get on my knees to anyone.
Kakuchou: Nobody at all?
Ran: Of course not, look at my Gucci outfit, look at that super expensive pants, I'm not an idiot, I don't get on my knees to anyone.
Izana: On your knees, Ran.
*Ran quickly gets to his knees *

Chapter Text

*Senju and Yamagishi having a dramatic moment that Takeomi doesn't really get*

Yamagishi: What about us? What about everything we've been through?

Senju: But what about trust?

Yamagishi: You know I never wanted to hurt you.

Senju: What about me???

Yamagishi: What am I supposed to do?

Takeomi: What the fuck are they doing?

Takemichi: You haven't seen the classic american movie High School Musical 2?

Takeomi: I'm an adult

Takemichi, dramatically stands: I GOT TO MOVE ON AND BE WHO I AM

Chapter Text

Senju: If Hina choked me with her thighs, I'd thank her and beg her to do it again.

Baji: I don't know if that's good or not but I support you, Sen!

Emma: Instead of saying weird stuff why don't you ask her out?

Sanzu: Then you can ask her to leg choke you on your first date.

Mikey: Yeah, that would be a great idea! I even can finally take my time getting Michi if Hina isn't always there to keep hi away from me!


Baji, Emma, Sanzu and Mikey: *collective sigh*

Chapter Text

Hina, seeing Takemichi return from Kantou vs Toman fight while holding hands with Mikey: You're back! *looks at Mikey* I didn't miss you at all!

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Why are you taking all your stuff down? 

Ran: This girl is coming over for the first time, and I don't want her to get the wrong impression. If she sees all this, she might think I'm-

Kisaki: A materialistic snob? A preppy idiot? A pubescent Mr. Monopoly? I'm landing shots left and right here, stand up for yourself.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Gun, paper or scissors?
Chifuyu: It’s supposed to be rock, paper or scissors. 
Kisaki: I play with gun. 
Takemichi: No matter what you choose the gun will still win. 
Hanma: That depends on how well you know your paper and scissors.

Chapter Text

Hanma: They don’t make them like me no more, I’m the last of my kind
Chifuyu: Thank god...

Chapter Text

Hanma: Cringe isn't an insult. If you find me cringe, that means I have power over you. I'm having a fucking blast while you're seething with vitriol at my very existence. Who's really winning here?

Chapter Text

Wakasa/Mikey: The fuck, no I'm not.

Koko/Kakuchou: Excuse the hell out of you?

Ran/Rindou: Ding dong, you are wrong!

Benkei/Mochi: Who told you that? And why did they lie?

Sanzu/Shion: Rude.

Hanma: *punches the person*

Chapter Text

Chome, after getting beat up by Mikey: You should have seen the other guy...he was really hot

Chapter Text

South: Why should I give you my hoodie?

Wakasa: You the reasons for that?

South: Yes

Wakasa: So here are the reasons why I should have your hoodie- I want it, I'd look good on it, you can fuck me while I use it, I'd look smol and cute, nudes and cause I want it

South: ....*gives him his hoodie*

Wakasa, smiling: Thanks you

Chapter Text

Mikey, looking at Draken & Hanma and Takemichi & Kisaki: Gay as hell to have an arch nemesis. What is he arching? His back?

Chapter Text

Yamagishi, looking blankly to his books: Whoever has my voodoo doll, please make it study. I can't fail this test, Sen promised to take me on a date if I had a good note on it.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Let’s avoid any confrontations

Baji: What does that mean?

Senju: It means “fight”, Kei

Mikey: Fight! Got it!

Emma: No!

Chapter Text

Ran: You have the three things that people want. You're hot and you're smart.
Kakuchou: That’s two things, Ran.
Ran: No, it’s three. I count hot twice. I mean... *gestures to Kakuchou* Come on.

Chapter Text

Y/N,: Would you take a bullet for me,  Ryu-nii?
Ryusei: …Yes?
*Kazutora angrily bursts into the room*
Y/N: *running away* Great, thanks!

Chapter Text

Angry: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them? 

Chifuyu: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them. 

Angry: Okay yeah thanks Chifuyu, that's great but WHERE'S THE F*CKING FIRST AID KIT?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: What am I doing?
Takeomi: Me.
Shinichiro: No, I mean-Oh.

Chapter Text

Takeomi/Sanzu/Senju: Putting more and more weighted blankets on me until I am finally pressed like a panini.  

Chapter Text

Rindou, kissing Shion: Hey sweetheart.

Shion, kissing back: What’s up, babe.

Hanma: Did we miss something?

Ran: Oh, no no, they’re just playing a game, no biggie.

Mucho: What game?

Kisaki: It’s called gay chicken. The point of the game is for two guys to pretend to be gay together for as long as possible, and whoever chickens out first loses.

Kakuchou: And how long has it been since they are, uh… pretending?

Ran/Kisaki: Three weeks.



Izana, leaning over: They’re pretty stubborn.

Chapter Text

Shion: If we can only have one girl, I’m glad it’s you Haru.

Sanzu: Thanks, but I’m a guy.

Senju: I’m the girl, you idiot!

Chapter Text

Y/N: You know why I called you here?

Yuzuha: Because I said dark chocolate taste like mud?


Chapter Text

Mikey, Izana, Kisaki, South and Hanma: We don't need therapy. We have you.
Takemichi: I'm just as messed up as you guys. It's like the blind leading the blind.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Are you worried? 
Hina: About what? But yeah. 

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Can I be perfectly honest with you? 

Akane: Of course! 

Takeomi: *curls up into the fetal position and screams like a velociraptor*

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: You just have to spread positive vibes to be nice, watch.
Kakuchou: Hey Shion, have a nice day!
Shion: Thanks, Kakuchou!
Kakuchou: Now you try.
South: Rindou, enjoy your next 24 hours.
Kakuchou: NO.

Chapter Text

Izana, at the store: Excuse me, I lost my brother, can I make an announcement?
Employee: Of course.
Izana, into the mic: Goodbye, you little shit.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Are you saying I’m a liar?
Kazutora: I’m saying you’re an optimist. Same thing, really

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I have a hard time trusting people. I just never wanna jump unless I'm sure somebody's going to catch me.
Chifuyu: Oh,Takemichi will catch you. And if he misses for any reason, he'll sit by your bedside and nurse you back to health, and feel guilty for the rest of his life.

Chapter Text

*on the phone*
Ran: Mochi, I'm onto something big. I'm gonna need you and Rindou tomorrow.
Ran: What's he doing in Detroit?
Ran: Well, send him plane fare and a new pair of pants.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I don't understand people who justify betrayal by being drunk 
Takemichi: When I drink I keep asking Hina to marry again

Chapter Text

Benkei: Takeomi we need to talk about your last will

Takeomi: What about it?

Shinichiro: Well, first, the fact that you wrote a will is worrying-

Wakasa: And the only thing you wrote was ‘bury me with seven extra bones to fuck with the archaeologists lmao’

Takeomi: So? Senju and Haruchiyo wrote the same thing on their will

Benkei/Shinichiro/Wakasa: ....WHAT?!

Chapter Text

Y/N: Describe your ideal boyfriend 

Takeomi: Someone tall with dark hair and deep, soulful eyes. A leader who isn’t afraid to speak his mind. Soft, but mostly with the people he loves. And preferably good with kids. 


Y/N: Describe your ideal boyfr—

Shinichiro: Takeomi

Chapter Text

Senju, in Yuzuha’s lap: Why does everyone think I'm gay?
Yuzuha, running her hands through Senju’s hair: Maybe its the sweatshirts your wear?
Mitsuya, nodding: Yeah it's definitely those sweatshirts you wear and not how you two act when withthin proximity of each other

Chapter Text

Baji: If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.

Koko, running on two hours of sleep, sipping on coffee: That’s the worst one.

Baji:: I’m sorry?

Koko: You should be. You couldn’t even make me a right triangle? Or obtuse? Hell, I would have settled for a reflex angle!

Baji:: I-I had no idea you were so passionate about angles…

Chapter Text

Kisaki: You really push all my buttons.

Takemichi: Sorry, I’m still looking for mute. 

Chapter Text

Rindou: So, if you're hotter than me, am I cooler than you?
Ran: ...Bitch.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: It's so hard to hate you.
Mikey: Do I need to try harder? 

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Seriously you have to stop joking about your traumas!
Mikey: Haha, and what are you going to do? Tell my mom?!
Sanzu: Mikey…

Chapter Text

Sanzu, looking at Senju and Takeomi: When I die do not go to my grave and weep, you are so annoying

Chapter Text

Yuzuha, calling the CEO of the company she and Hakkai work for: Sorry boss, I can't go to work today. I've come down with Female Hysteria

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: If I want to listen to the same song sixty-four times in a row, that's my own business. It's between me and God. This is a private dance

Chapter Text

Hanma, looking at Kisaki: He is so fucking evil

Hanma: God, I want him

Chapter Text

Takeomi: All my past relationships with girlfriends have ended in tragedy. Maybe it's time for me to stop trying.

Sanzu: Or maybe it is time to try something different?

Senju/Sanzu: Like a boyfriend?

Senju: Maybe someone named Arashi 'Benkei' Keizou?

Takeomi: ...Have you two been reading fanfictions again?

Senju: Hey, don't pretend like I didn't notice you crying while reading that long, slow burn one!

Chapter Text

Takuya, to Takemichi: Introduce me to a hot gang member. Because, statistically speaking, someone on your gang has got to be on my team...right?

Chapter Text

Baji: Mama didn't raise a quitter but she did raise a homosexual and an idiot homosexual

Kazutora: With me being the homosexual and Baji being the idiot homosexual one

Baji: Hey!

Chapter Text

Yamagishi, to Mikey: Chill out dude, Senju is dating both of us. You are my boyfriend-in-law

Chapter Text

Angry: Did- did you just refer to your train of thought as the stress express?
Sanzu: Should I not have?
Takemichi: I mean, mentally stable people don't do that.
Sanzu: Okay, and who told you I was mentally stable?

Chapter Text

Emma, studying: But not everyone knows that it’s actually the bell that’s called Big Ben, not the clock-
Karen, not interested: Uh huh
Emma: Yeah the clock is actually called Tickety Ted the Time Telling Bitch-

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: You are not a MILF, you are eighteen and nonbinary and childless.
Wakasa: Don't forget mentally ill.
Shinichiro: That too.
Takeomi: What the fuck—

Chapter Text

Mikey: I had a nightmare last night.

Mikey: Emma told me she won’t cook my midnight snacks for a whole week.

Baji: ...That wasn’t a nightmare. She did say that.

Mikey: Huh?

Baji: You fainted right after Emma told you that.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *trying to murder Takemichi*
Kakuchou: Don't quote me on this, but I believe murder is illegal.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I'm a lot like a kit-kat...
Kakuchou: Because you're sweet on the outside but still pretty tough on the inside?
Takemichi, crying: I was gonna say "because I really need a break" but that works too...

Chapter Text

Mikey, snuggling under a blanket: A nap a day takes the pain away!
Draken: What pain?
Mikey: The pain of knowing the bane of existence is existing, the heavy weight of living from day to day in the precipice of an existential crisis, and the possibility that we're living through the end of the world as we know it
Draken: Please just lie and say you're sick next time

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Sorry, I looked at them and I forgot how to swallow.

Chapter Text

Kid Shinichiro: Why are your legs so hairy? 

Sano Makoto: That's just the way they are. 

Kid Shinichiro: Are you a werewolf?

Chapter Text

Draken, after enduring the last two days with Hanma: Sometimes I feel like God's just waiting for me to snap.

Draken: Little do they know I'm onto them.

Chapter Text

Inui: *proposes to Koko* 


Akane: *recording* You’re fine! 


Chapter Text

Random Person: How can you not remember me? You killed me!

Rindou: I've killed a lot of people.

Chapter Text

Eye doctor: Your results aren't good
Kid Kisaki: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: ...Probably not-

Chapter Text

Izana: Abandonment issues? Fuck yeah, I'm abandoning these issues. Bye

Chapter Text

Takemichi, to Hanma: You aren't the clown, you are the entire circus.

Chapter Text

Takuya: Ran, can you pay for this for me?
Ran: Oh, sure.
Akkun: Hold on, he can't just pay for you!
Ran, offended: Why not? I'm Takuya's husband, I get him anything he likes.
Rindou: We're playing Monopoly!!

Chapter Text

Izana: *squirting ketchup on the bathroom counter*
Emma: ...What the hell are you doing?
Izana: I asked Mikey to keep his toothbrush in his own cup instead of mine. The next morning, he drew a muscled torso on a sticky-note, stuck it to his brush, and laid my toothbrush out flat, so it looked like his toothbrush had knocked mine out...That was three weeks ago.
Emma: So...for three weeks,you two have just been, what? Arranging your brushes in more and more elaborate scenarios to try and, like, I don't know, one-up each other or something?
Izana: *placing Mikey's toothbrush facedown in a puddle of ketchup, next to a popsicle stick whittled to look like a knife* Don't ask questions you already know the answers to.

Chapter Text

Toman, when they notice that Mikey is simping very obviously for Takemichi once again but the other boy doesn't notice it: Not this train wreck again

Chapter Text

Kisaki: It’s good to see you. 

Baji: I’d return the sentiment except I hate you. 

Chapter Text

Koko, after a long night working: I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired. So I’m gonna take a nap, but when I wake up, oh, you are in for it.
*four hours later*
Koko: How dare you?!?

Chapter Text

Ryusei: Please pray for Baji.

Kazutora: What happened to them?

Chifuyu: Nothing, he is just very stupid.

Baji: Hey! *walks into a glass wall*

Chapter Text

Senju: I’m bad. I’m so bad.

Benkei: No, you’re not. You’re a marshmallow with legs.

Chapter Text

Senju: If the police is here to serve then why are their outfits so ugly?

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: Hakkai, are you crying?
Hakkai, sobbing: This book is so fucking sad
Peh-yan: Honey, it’s a interior design book
Hakkai, sobbing harder: I know, the designs fucking suck

Chapter Text

South: I love unnecessarily ominous statements, and I will still love them when there's nobody alive to make them.

Chapter Text

Ran: I'm gayer

Mucho: A little on the nose to do it during pride month, no?

Izana: In that outfit?

Koko: You still owe me 45$

Rindou: Are you queerbaiting me?

Mochi: Welcome to the family

Kakuchou: Thanks for coming out to me, I will always be here if you need anything

Chapter Text

Sakurako: Izana, take out the garbage on your way out
Izana: Yeah, no problem, mom.
Sakurako: …
Izana: …
Sakurako: Did you just called me…?
Izana: WHAT? NO. BYE

Chapter Text

Rindou, to Kakuchou: You’re my best friend. You know me better than anyone. You see what a horrible person I am. That’s why I have to do daring entrances. To distract the rest of world from seeing it.

Chapter Text

Smiley: Quiet, laidback people, why do you go for loud, fiery people?
Takeomi: Someone’s gotta tell the waiter I ordered mashed potatoes, and it’s not gonna be me.

Chapter Text

Akane: Oh he do be lookin' like a milf tho ngl

Shinichiro: …Benkei?

Akane: YES

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: I'd rather take coffee than compliments right now.

Chifuyu: I want to be Great or Nothing.

Senju: And I'm so sick of people saying that love is all a woman is fit for.

Angry: I am angry nearly every day of my life, Naho-nii, but I've learned not to show it. And I still hope not to feel it.

Takemichi: Watch and pray, dear, never get tired of trying, and never think it is impossible to conquer your fault.

Hakkai: Don't try to make me grow up before my time...

Inui: Love casts out fear, and gratitude can conquer pride.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Coffee? 
Makoto: Black and strong like Luke Cage! 
Wakasa: I'm too tired to even be disturbed by that. 

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: The child who turned into a second parent

Shion: The child being summoned by all of their siblings’ names before theirs

Koko: The rich and gay child

Ran: The prankster child that can sleep for a full week and act like he just slept for eight hours

Rindou: The child that somehow is still alive despite challenging death almost daily

Mucho: The child no one worries about because they know how to take care of themselves....most of the time

Hanma: The child that is the reason they drink

Sanzu: The bipolar child that changes families whenever they want

Kisaki: The manipulative but also normal child

Izana: The child that seriously need therapy but denies it and goes for violence for a way to cope

Chapter Text

Mansuke: Emma, you have to work on controlling your emotions, you’ve been in 5 different fights just this week! Your brother is the one that is supposed to be getting into fights not you!

Emma: With the same guy though!

Emma: I don’t have an anger problem

Emma: I just have an enemy/rival 

Chapter Text

*on the phone*
Mikey: Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding, right?
Senju: As long as it's black, why?
Mikey, wearing a No Face from Spirited Away costume: No reason.

Chapter Text

Izana, writing in a letter: "I'm going to kick.. your... ass."  
Izanas: THERE. Now send it.  
Shion: Dude, your handwriting's terrible, are you sure you want to-  
Izana: JUST DO IT!  
Emma: So what does it say?  
Mikey, reading the letter: He says he’s going to "lick my...."  
Emma: Gross- 

Chapter Text

*Senju losing Yamagishi in literally anywhere*

Announcer: “Attention. If anyone has lost their companion gangs lover otaku, please pick them up from lost and found.”

Announcer: “Please bring ice cream. He’s scared. Thank you.”

Chapter Text

A neighbour, about Yuzuha: Your daughter's gotten really pretty.
Y/N: I know, right?
Neighbour: She probably has a lot of boyfriends.
Y/N: I mean, she's into girls.
Neighbour, wrinkling her nose: Ah. Ugh. I wouldn't have guessed.
Y/N: Yuzuha! Do lesbian things so this cavewoman can see you! Would you also like me to make sure my two sons act bi and gay enough too?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Eww, why are you having salad?

Hina: Are you five years old?

Takemichi: A friend of mine is allergic to salad, when he eats salad he literally throws up.

Kazutora: Ok. But we are not your friend who is allergic to salad though.

Chapter Text

Draken: One day, someone will think about you for the last time in eternity. You will be forgotten by the rest of the universe.
Mikey: Not if I eat the Mona Lisa.

Chapter Text

South: How dare them! I'm the kindest and most loving person ever!
Ran: It took you eight months to find a good doormat because you said that people who came to your house are not, in fact, welcome.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Alright, what would you rather be: a lion or a panda?
Hina: I’m me. Why would I want to be anything else?
Kazutora: I’m not sure you realize how psychologically healthy that actually is.

Chapter Text

Koko: Shakespeare wasn't lying when he said that tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day
Inui: Neither was Smashmouth when he said that the years start coming and they don't stop coming

Chapter Text

Hina: Since electronics contain silver, you could theoretically beat a werewolf to death with a nokia.

Hanma: Anybody else here feeling uncomfortable? Just me?

Chapter Text

Akane: How are you today?
Koko: Please don’t make me think about my life.

Chapter Text

Baji: If murdered, I want a closed-casket funeral. However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play "Pop Goes the Weasel" over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with mute, horrified anticipation.

Chapter Text

Kazutora, Ryusei and Chifuyu: *fall in love with the feral idiot who sets fires when hungry*

Chapter Text

Ran and Koko: *out on Bonten business*
Ran: *sees a cute guy, and turns to Koko*
Ran: Permission to be gay, Koko?
Koko: *annoyed sigh*
Koko: Fine.
Koko: Permission granted.

Chapter Text

Chome: If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice, warm meal waiting for them. 
Choji: They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too.

Chapter Text

Chonbo: I really shouldn’t be here. I have a problem with games of chance. I once played Candyland with Hanma and ended up throwing a cup of deer blood in his face.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, a sweetheart: Hey Kisaki!

Kisaki, an asshole:

Takemichi: Did you just ignore me?

Kisaki: No, I simply chose to not acknowledge you verbally.

Hina, an observer: …So you’re ignoring him

Chapter Text

Takemichi: It’s over, we won.
*behind Takemichi, Mikey slowly stands back up*
Hakkai: *starts to point*
Takemichi: No. We won. I'm not turning around and looking at it. We won.

Chapter Text

South, to Mochi and Kakuchou: Sweet boys precious angels babies
South, to Ran, Rindou and Shion: YOU FUCKING DONKEYS 

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Were you ever nice?
Mikey: 2005. Worst year of my life.

Chapter Text

Rindou, covered in blood: Angry, my angel! I'm home!

Chapter Text

Ran, looking at Shion: When he is bisexual and a complete fucking loser...

Chapter Text

Emma: Isn't enough to be cute and have great tits? I have to be a functional member of society and the smart one of my family too?

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: While we sleep our brain makes up stories and then gets scared of them.
Hakkai: Mine does that when I'm awake.

Chapter Text

Emma: Hi, I'm Sano Emma and you?

Hina: ...Not as straight as I had thought

Chapter Text

Kisaki: So, an octopus can change colour to mimic its surroundings. When octopus do this it's called-

Choji: An octo-lie

Kisaki: Metachrosis



Choji: Mocktopus

Chapter Text

Hanma: Alright, so you and I are married.
Draken: We are not married.
Hanma: Relax, it's just pretend.
Draken: I don't wanna pretend.
Hanma, grinning: Scared you'll like it?
Draken: Okay, if we're married, I want a divorce.
Takemichi, whispering to Chifuyu: ...Are the two of them like this all the time?
Chifuyu: Yes.

Chapter Text

Shion, blabbering on:
Izana, Whispering to himself: Will you marry me?
Shion: What?
Izana, trying to cover himself up: Will you shut up and let me be?!

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Homeless man!

Takeomi: Whore!

Shinichiro, who was observing this with Benkei: This makes me question how the two of them got married in the future if they fight so much now



Wakasa, the only one that knew about Shinichiro's ability: What the hell, Shin?!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: ...Why did you need me to bring Aracne, Baji-san?

Baji: Oh, Mikey annoyed Haru and Aracne will help Haru get back at Mikey

Takemichi: Eh? How?

Sanzu, going to where they are: Give it to me and you see it

Chifuyu: ...As long as Aracne comes back alive....

Sanzu: Don't worry, this cutie will come back safe and sound

*ten minutes later*


Draken: What the fuck?


Mitsuya: ...You are scared of this litt- *approaches the jacket to see a black widow* Ah! It's a black widow! How did it arrive here?!

Chifuyu/Takemichi: ...Is this what you were talking about?

Baji: Yep, Mikey he terrified of spiders even the little ones

Chifuyu/Takemichi: Ohhh...

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: ...So Keisuke is your brother?

Takeomi: Yes, it was a bit surprising but it explains why we look similar and how fast me, Senju and Haruchiyo become close to him

Wakasa: ...Who would have thought about that

Benkei: Is that why they are so chaotic when together?



Takeomi: ...Uh, that makes sense

Benkei: And they are the same age...they practically are triplets

Shinchiro: Oh! That's right!

Wakasa: The Akashi triplets? That has a nice sound to it

Chapter Text

Hina: Michi?

Takemichi: Ah, sorry! I thought I saw someone behind Mikey-kun

Hina, confused: But there is no one behind him?

Takemichi: ...I know. Come on, we shouldn't make our husband wait

Hina: As if you weren't the one who took years finding a sock

Takemichi: Hina!

*Hina giggles and both run to where Mikey is waiting for them for their weekly date*

Chapter Text

Mikey: Haru?

Sanzu, looking to the ground: I'm so tried, Manjirou

Mikey, confused: What do you mean?

Sanzu: How much of me do I need to give to you, how many times do I need to break my own heart for you and how many more people do I need to let go for you to love me? Or just reject me so I can move on?

Mikey: Haruchiyo...

Sanzu, sighing: I'm just so tired of this. I want to be happy too

Mikey: ...I'm sorry

Sanzu: A apology won't change anything, Manjirou

Mikey: I know

Sanzu: Goodbye, Mikey *leaves*

Chapter Text

Kisaki: If I open this door and they are making out or something like that, I promise that I will kill someone

Takemichi: Come on! Chifuyu doesn't like Hanma or feels attracted to him!

Kisaki: Yeah, just like the White Leopard and the Red Wall who are currently dating and acting like a married couple

Takemichi: ...You win this time

Kisaki: I always do, darling

Takemichi, under his breath: Bitch

Kisaki: And you and Hina still are dating me despite that

Takemichi, blushing: Just shut up and open the door!

Kisaki, laughing: Whatever my boyfriend says

Chapter Text

Mansuke: ....It's decided, Keisuke is my only grandchild.

Shinichiro/Izana/Mikey/Emma: Grandpa?!

Mansuke: None of my grandchildren would take years to confess to someone who is obviously in love with me

Shinichiro/Izana/Mikey/Emma: ...Eh?!

Mansuke: You heard me. don't appear in front of me until you are dating Wakasa, Kakuchou, Takemichi and Draken

Chapter Text

Akane: Sei! You liar!

Inui, confused: Nee-san?

Akane: Why didn't you tell me?!

Inui, even more confused: Tell you what?

Akane: That you are dating Draken! It was Koko who had to tell me!

Inui: ....Koko did what?!

Akane: Oh, don't be angry at Koko now! I should have been the first to know about it!

Inui: I'm not dating Draken!

Akane, with a raised eyebrow: Then what is this? *shows a photo of Draken and Inui cuddling while in bed*

Inui: We are just friends hanging out!

Akane: Really?

Inui: Yes!

Akane: I will believe you for now...

*three hours later, Draken comes to the Inui house*

Draken: Hello, Akane-san

Akane: Hello, Draken. Sei is in his room

Draken: Thanks *goes to Seishu's room*

*Akane after a few minutes follows him and spies into Inui's room to find the two boys kissing:

Akane, muttering while making her way back to the living room: Friends my ass! If that is how friends act imagine how lovers act!

Chapter Text

Mikey: Guys? Why are you so quiet?

Draken: should we say this?

Mikey: What do you mean? You think I don't look like my dad?

Mitsuya: You certainly have his blonde hair but....

Mikey: But?

Pah-chin: He looks more like Takemichi and Smiley than you


Mikey: Oh...

Baji: He did cheat on your mom before so maybe he did more than once?

Mikey: ...But mom talked so well about him

Sanzu: Love makes you do that...

Takemichi: Or maybe one of mine and Smiley's parents is cousins with you dad?

Mikey: ...That is also possible

Smiley: And the more true one since I have my mom's hair and Souya has our dad's hair

Mikey: I will ask grandpa when I arrive home!

Chapter Text

*during a Toman meeting*

Mucho: Hey, Sanzu!

Sanzu: What?

Mucho: What started this king thing?

Sanzu: What do you mean?

Smiley: You always call Mikey your king, we are just curious what started that

Sanzu: Oh, actually it was Baji who started it

Chifuyu: Baji-san?

Mikey: What Haru is saying, is the truth

Baji: I remember it! I think we were watching a movie with royalty and I said Mikey was our king

Peh-yan: Then is there a queen, prince, etc?

Mikey: Haru is the queen, Emma is the princess while Baji and Senju are the knights

Mitsuya: Senju? Who is she?

Baji: Another childhood friend

Takemichi: But why does Sanzu call you king all the time?

Sanzu: To annoy Senju since she is possessive of me and me calling Mikey my king makes her think I like Mikey

Mikey: Even if Sanzu has said a lot of times that me and Baji are the little brothers he never wanted but that he sadly loves

Draken: I see...

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, off to investigate with Kazutora: Alright if he comes back alone, look for my body. He probably cut me into pieces with one of his twenty seven knives.
Ryusei: Will do. Have fun. I love you.
Chifuyu: *shocked*
Ryusei: *shocked*
Kazutora, getting into his car: *shocked*
Takemichi, standing next to Ryusei: *shocked*
Chifuyu: *finger guns*
Kazutora: *floors it*


Chifuyu, still shocked: Did Ryusei just tell me he loves me for the first time?
Kazutora: Yeah
Chifuyu: And did I do finger guns back?
Kazutora: Yeah, you did.
Chifuyu, horrified: NO.


Ryusei: *still shocked*
Takemichi: *pats his shoulder and walks away*

Chapter Text

*Kazutora holding his and Chifuyu's baby*
Chifuyu: Oh God, I can’t believe I actually have one of these..*looking at Kazutora and their baby*
Baji: I know, Peke J is still one of those *is holding Peke J in a baby onesie that didn't fit the baby while giving him milk with a baby bottle*

Chapter Text

Shion, coming home from school with paper in hand: KEI! KEI! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! *Shows paper*
Benkei, looking at the paper: What's this? 
Shion: I got an A+ on my book report! 
Benkei: Aww, my little lion. That's amazing, I'm proud of you. This is going right up the board
Shion: Yaaay! 
Shinichiro, coming home from school: OMI! *bursts into Takeomi's room*
Takeomi: What's up? 
Shinichiro: You'll never guess what happened in school today
Takeomi: Tell me
Shinichiro: In Literature class, our final semester project was to perform a play
Takeomi, excited: And??!? 
Shinichiro, shows paper: I GOT THE LEAD!!!! 
Takeomi: AAAAAAAHHH!!!! *fangirling*
Shinichiro: AAAAAAAHHH!!!! *also fangirling*
Takeomi: *takes paper and puts it on the board then hugs Shinichiro* AWWW YEAAAH! CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY! 
Izana: Here you go, Waka. *gives picture*
Wakasa: What's this? 
Izana: Evidence. I killed someone and hid the body
Wakasa: So? 
Izana: It was a guy selling kids
Wakasa: I'll be sure to put it on the board
Takemichi: I just punched a guy
Taiju: And? 
Takemichi: He was being homophobic to me, Takuya and Akkun
Taiju: You got a picture? 
Takemichi: No, but I knocked out 2 teeth and put it in this small ziplock *gives ziplock with teeth*
Taiju: Oooooh. Great job, Takemichi. Never thought I'd be prouder of you.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: If a stranger came up to you and said "I'm your brother's friend, He told me to pick you up" what would you say?
Mikey: I'd say "You're lying my brother doesn't have any friends that I have never met!"
Shinichiro: Not where I was going, but ok.

Chapter Text

Senju, picking an eyelash off Yamagishi's cheek and holding it in front of his lips: There! Make a wish!
Yamagishi, pining, sweating, desperately trying not to blurt out that he wants to date Senju: I wish I was dead.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Be gay, do crimes is all well and good, but one can also be queer, instill fear

Kazutora: You forgot be trans, throw hands

Baji: Be bi, go for the eye

Mikey: Be ace, punch face

Draken/Pah-chin, the struggling token straight™️:…I’m scared of you all

Chapter Text

Wakasa: A human heart costs around $1 million but I gave you mine for free
Benkei: Why do you know how much a human heart costs? 

Chapter Text

Mansuke: How can I be homophobic? 
Mansuke: When my idiot multiple grandkids that continue to grow in number are gay?

Chapter Text

Naoto: Draken? He’s me ex-boyfriend.

Draken: Yeah! We thought it would be best to break up when we got married.

Chapter Text

Yumi: You know, as your friend this really hurts my soul
Yasuda: Seriously I just don't get it. Why are there so many different variations?
Yumi: Please tell me you're joking
Yasuda: I'm not. What's the difference between lip balm, lipstick, Chapstick, and glue stick?

Chapter Text

Kisaki: ‘Ran is sexy’ ‘Ran is a good fighter’ blah blah.

Kisaki: Ran is a whore and that’s it.

Ran: One doesn’t exclude the others.

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: God I hate being alive I just wanna die in a national park under mysterious circumstances 

Peh-yan, 30 minutes later: Okay I’m done being dramatic I finally did the dishes and it's not that bad

Chapter Text

*over the phone*
Ran: Hey, pretty boy, what’re you up to?
Shion: Eating cereal in bed.
Ran: And what would you be doing if I was in bed with you?
Shion: …I would still be eating my cereal?

Chapter Text

Emma: Apologist? Not necessarily. Explainer? Perhaps. Understander? Intimately. Enjoyer? Greatly. Sexualizer? Frequently.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Shion taught me to be careful about scammers

Angry: Was he scammed?  

Rindou: No, he was the scammer

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: So you're like, gay for Hakkai?
Mitsuya: Of course not, I'm straight as a ruler.
The Ruler™: *bends until it forms a circle*

Chapter Text

Baji: Hey, guys. Happy 'Hanma sucks' Thursday, everybody.
Hanma: Uh, what's 'Hanma sucks' Thursday?
Choji: Why would we ever tell you, Hanma?

Chapter Text

Chome: You ever just suddenly remember that Linguini and Remy can't communicate? Linguini does not have some special ability to understand rats. He just flipping. Accepts that this weird rat wants to cook and can control him with his hair. He's just okay with that.
Luna: If a rat showed up and made me capable of getting done all the stuff I need to get done, I, too, would be just okay with that.

Chapter Text


Rindou: They had a knife!


Chapter Text

*talking about keeping Izana*
Benkei: We know his father is dead, but maybe his mother or a sibling is looking for him. We should probably put-up posters.
Wakasa: Yes, they should have a big picture of him and the words "Is this your son/brother? Not anymore".

Chapter Text

Mikey, during Bonten timeline: Once I fix my sleep schedule, start eating healthy, get even more physically fit, beat the innermost thoughts that haunt me, stop procrastinating, learn how to do taxes, and get mentally strong enough to make phones calls, it's over for you bitches-

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What if I flop?

Shinichiro: Oh, darling, but what if you slay?

Chapter Text

Wakasa: We need to talk.
Mikey: That has never been true.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: This puzzle sure is hard. What do you think Akkun?

Akkun: *five seconds of a fast-paced eurobeat style remix of "killing me softly"*

Takemichi: Fire! Not an answer to my question, though. 

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Kei, you need to abandon your emotions like me

Benkei: Didn't you cry when Izana gave you flowers for Father's Day?

Wakasa: I thought we talked about outing me as a hypocrite

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *gives Chifuyu candy*

Chifuyu: Wow, thank you! You know, despite what Baji-san says about you, I think you're alright

Baji: ...Are you trying to start shit?

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Shin, the kids didn't finish their grapes.
Shinichiro: That's okay, you can throw them out.
Takeomi: Alright then.
Takeomi, sending Sanzu, Mikey, Baji, Senju and Emma outside: Come on now, go, go.

Chapter Text

Chonbo, to Kazutora: I can't tell what Baji and Hanma are planning. But I can tell you two things.
Chonbo: We won't like it and it probably won't be legal

Chapter Text

Baji: Hey, you wanna slow dance?
Hanma: I thought you'd never ask.
Baji and Hanma: *do the fortnite dance together in 0.5 speed*
Chome: I hate this family 

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Please don't do this. I know there's still good in you.
Mikey: You're so naïve, Takemichi. You see the good in everybody even when it's not there. You're living in a fantasy. There is no Easter Bunny, there is no Tooth Fairy, and there is no Queen of England.

Chapter Text

Mikey: And then Not Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!

Sanzu: My parents are having a baby, too. They had sex.

Chapter Text

Hina: You pull a car over for speeding and you find out that it's your mother. How do you handle the situation?
Emma: I'd tell her “you bitch, where the fuck have you been these last ten years?”

Chapter Text

Baji, bangs wrist on the table: Ow! My armkle. 
Chifuyu: Your what?
Ryusei, tiredly: His wrist. 

Chapter Text

South, with Senju touching his chest happily: ...What is she doing?

Takemichi: Senju?!

Wakasa, groaning: Not again

Takeomi: ...It may or may not be a family thing

Benkei: Ohhh, Takeomi did the same thing when we first met

Draken: ...Is that why Sanzu did that to me and Mucho?

Senju, stopping what she was doing: What?! Haru did that to you?!

Draken: Yeah?

Takeomi: Uh, I didn't expect that, but I can see why Haru likes you

Senju: ...Yeah, me too but South fits my type better

Takeomi: Technically our type is the same- a guy with muscles, that can fight and that is tall

Senju: ...True

South: ...Can we just act like we didn't hear this?

Wakasa/Takemichi/Draken/Benkei: Sure!

South: back on threatening you and trying to kill Draken

Chapter Text

*during a party*

Mitsuya: Who gave alcohol to the vice-captains, Inui and Kakuchou?

Hanma/Baji/Shion: Don't look at us!

Izana: Why do you ask?

Mitsuya: *points towards were said group his singing while pointing at some people*

Takemichi, crying and pointing at Mucho: I need a hero!

Inui, pointing at Draken with one of his heels: I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light!

Peh-yan, holding onto Angry and pointing to Ran: He's gotta be sure!

Angry, holding Peh-yan and looking at Mikey: And it's gotta be soon!

Sanzu/Kakuchou, hugging each other and pointing at South: And he's gotta be larger than life!

Chifuyu, from Mochi's lap: Larger than life!

Izana: ...What the fuck'

Kazutora: Oh! This was Fuyu's idea for them to confess?

Mitsuya: ...I'm sorry but what?!

Chapter Text

Hakkai: That trophy was tearing us apart. We were like a beautiful family with only one last piece of pizza on the table, and we were going to kill each other for that pizza, and I'm glad it's gone.

Yuzuha: If we're like a family that would kill each other for pizza, that's really fucked up. And you know what the weird thing is? I think we are that family.

Hakkai: Yeah, I'm not saying we're a great family

Taiju: No, we're a fucked up family

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: I don't have a seat.
Senju, excitedly patting her thighs: You can sit on my lap!
Koko: I don't have a seat either. 
Inui: Then stand.

Chapter Text

Hanma: You bought a taco?
Shion: Yes.
Hanma: From the same truck that hit Kisaki?!
Shion, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving ain't gonna help them.

Chapter Text

Hanma: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me.
Baji: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do.

Chapter Text

*a bomb falls just where Takemichi was standing a moment before*
Takemichi: That could have killed me!  
Takemichi: ...I can’t catch a break.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: They’re a seven but they hate your guts

Chifuyu: I feel like this question is better aimed at Kisaki

Kisaki: First of all, we agreed not to target anyone, fuck you, and second of all, they’re a ten

Chifuyu: Hah, this is kind of fun

Kisaki, looking Chifuyu in the eyes: Okay. He’s an eight but he’s an idiot who seems to have drunk 10 coffees and energy drink all at the same time

Hanma: Ha, you must mean Baji, there’s no way you rated me anything less than a ten

Chifuyu, deadpan: He’s a two

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Can we get over this fixation with who did what when?

Naoto: ...It's a murder investigation.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I don't have post-traumatic stress. I have post-traumatic ennui. Post-traumatic defeatism. Post-traumatic 'what's the point?'.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, to Wakasa: Take care of Takeomi, please. I'm probably going to marry him.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Why are you doing this?

Kisaki: Daddy issues, to get my crush, megalomania, greed...Wow. That felt really good to get off my chest

Chapter Text

Ran, handing out alcoholic drinks, to Kakuchou: You drink, right?

Kakuchou: Sure.

Mochi, plucks it away: I don't think so.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Have you slept at all? You seem a little-
Mikey: *rapidly, strung higher than usual* Focused? Motivated? On point?
Sanzu: …Sure. Yeah.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it’s less of a threshold and more of a large and tastefully decorated foyer.

Chapter Text

Baji, to Chifuyu and Ryusei: Kazutora is like a house of cards.
Baji: Beautifully put together yet on the verge of falling to pieces.

Chapter Text

Senju: *entering the room wearing eyeliner and ripped jeans*
Takeomi: Uh, good morning? Do you want something to eat?
Senju: Does it matter? There’s no point. We’re going to die soon anyway.
Takeomi: Ok. This is fine. I can handle another emo phase.
Sanzu: The fuck do you mean ‘another?!’

Chapter Text

Kazutora, resting on top of Chifuyu's chest: I’m on top of the world.
Chifuyu: Actually, you’re on top of me.
Kazutora: I know. You are my world.
Chifuyu: *hugs Kazutora tightly*

Chapter Text

Mikey: Is there something deeply evil living within me or am I just up past my bedtime.

Chapter Text

Emma: My mother cried when I was born because she knew that she’d never be better than me.

Chapter Text

Some Random Woman, pulling 7 and 6 year old Senju and Sanzu aside: Would you like me as your sister-in-law?

Senju, smiling cutely: I'll consume you like a goldfish cracker

Sanzu: Sorry, we only accept brothers-in-law and even then, that position has already been occupied

Chapter Text

Benkei: How strong do you like your coffee?

Wakasa: I want it to show up on a drug test

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Takemichi, flustered: Anybody could be a hoe for the right person...

Hina, snorting: And some of us are just hoes in general. Just tell him you wanna suck his dick, he’ll be into it, I promise. 

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Masato: I could give a shit about your happiness! Stop dating my daughter!
Takemichi: You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Masato What's that supposed to mean?
Takemichi: You know what it means.

Chapter Text

Kazutora:...I'll do a thing.
Inui: What thing?
Kazutora: I don't know! It's a thing in progress! Respect the Thing!

Chapter Text

Teacher: Alright, take out your books
Chifuyu: *unzips bag*
Chifuyu: What the fuck??
Ryusei, popping out of the bag: Hi, Fuyu

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: *holding up a kitten* He's a pure bred
Kazutora: Wow, a cat made out of bread

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*first date*
Shinichiro: Oh, look, little hats. We should get one for Y/N.
Takeomi: Who?
Shinichiro: Um, our child?
Takeomi: Shin, we don’t have a kid.

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*blackout in the Sano house*
Benkei: Calm down, people. It is just the light
Wakasa: *pulling others' feet pretending to be a haunting*
Senju/Baji: *screaming* 
Izana: *laughs*
Takeomi: I can't take it anymore

Chapter Text

Hakkai: 'Sit up straight', how dare you? I'll sit as gay as I please

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Senju, talking about Hina: Do you ever look at a girl so gorgeous and it's like this isn't even gay anymore, I'm just extremely impressed.

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Sanzu, talking about Mikey to Takemichi, Kisaki and Izana: 'I could fix him!', 'I could make him worse!'

Sanzu: Well, DON'T.

Sanzu: I'm trying to study him, and your tampering would completely throw off my results!

Chapter Text

*after they destroyed the headquarters*
Hanma: Anyone else have the weird urge to lecture themselves?
Hanma, as Chonbo: Hanma Shuji, what are you doing?
Chonbo, appearing from behind Jason: Hanma Shuji, what are you doing?
Hanma: I conjured him.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: So, how do you feel right now?

Y/N: Uh, I don´t know?

Wakasa: It´s okay if you don´t know. Just try to describe the feeling.

Y/N: Okay. I´ll try.

Y/N: *inhales*

Y/N: *high pitched screaming*


Y/N: That´s pretty much it.

Chapter Text

South: What does a winner do when life gives them lemons?

Shion: Um, make lemonade? 

South: No, they squeeze them right back into life’s eyes!

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Takemichi: Congratulations. We did it. And we did it together, because we're a team.

Hanma: Should we do it again next week?

Chifuyu/Kisaki: No, I would hate that.

Chapter Text

Hina: I need somebody to take this personality test for my psych class. I was hoping to wow my professor with a genuine psycho. Like South. Or Sanzu. Or Mikey would be great.

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Benkei: 99.9% of the people I know are stupid.
Wakasa: I’m the 1%
Benkei: *looking at him* Are you? Are you really?

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Omi, would you give me your hand?

Takeomi, extends his hand: Sure, but why–

Wakasa: Your hand in marriage! HA, no take backs! We're engaged now!

Takeomi: ...

Chapter Text

Peke J: Father, why have you forbade me from entering the delicious chamber?
Chifuyu: It's called an oven and you will die.
Peke J: I am strong, Father.

Chapter Text

Senju: Why aren't there friend pick-up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-
Senju, to Emma: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual!
Baji, to Sanzu: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire.
Shinichiro: There are two types of people

Chapter Text

Emma: You deserve the best

Draken: Oh, well thank-

Emma: That's why I exist  

Baji, holding in his laughter:

Sanzu: That’s my girl 

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I’ve been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the “power nap” button. I don’t set up alarms, I set up timers, Omi.

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Mikey: ... What are you two doing?
Sanzu: Hugging you~
Mikey: Why?
Baji: Research has shown that hugs are a great way to release pleasant chemicals within the brain.
Mikey: This is so stupid.
Baji: And yet you haven't told us to let you go... interesting.
Mikey: *mumbles something incoherent as he hides his face in Sanzu's neck*
Sanzu, giggling: Care to repeat that, Mikey? I couldn't hear what you said.
Mikey, grumbles: I said you're both warm... so don't even think about letting me go.
Baji, chuckles, resting his jaw atop Mikey's head: Letting you go were not on today's agenda.
Sanzu, hugging Mikey tighter: Yep!

Chapter Text

Taiju, pointing at Koko: Inui, you can’t bring a cat to church! 
Inui: Why not? He’s cat’lic. 

Chapter Text

Benkei: Arson?

Shinichiro: Arson.

Wakasa: Arson!

Takeomi: Please don’t-

Chapter Text

Rindou: Guys, I have a question.  
Ran: kys <3  
Rindou: I love you too.  
Mucho: Ah, yes, siblings. 

Chapter Text

Choji: I apologize for not reacting appropriately but that was a poor excuse for a joke, Hanma.

Baji: What’s even worse is that he laughed at his own poor ass joke.

Hanma: I laugh at my own jokes because I am my target audience. Ya’ll just happen to be here. 

Chapter Text

Hanma: I get the feeling you don’t like me.
Ran: I’ve told you repeatedly that I don’t.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Tora's just having a hard day.
Hina: Okay...then how do you explain that?
Kazutora *surrounded by 5 empty pie tins and working on a sixth pie* I FORGE MY OWN PATH!

Chapter Text

Hakkai: *going on an anxious tangent*
Peh-yan: *talking in circles about a bunch of weird things Takemichi should do or try*
Sanzu: *speaking like an emotional roller-coaster*
Angry: *takes the three in with lost eyes*
Takemichi: *stressed whimper*
Chifuyu: Don't worry we got this.
Takemichi: We?
Inui, summons a big radio with speakers: To calm down racing thoughts.
Chifuyu, presses play: White noise has many good implications to calm a racing mind.
Sanzu: *tappers off and slumps against Angry having run out of words to say*
Angry: *leans back against Sanzu looking less lost*
Hakkai and Peh-yan: *having calmed a bit but are still talking*
Takemichi: It helped... but it's still not-
Inui, turns off the white noise and turns on brown noise instead: There. That should do it.
Hakkai: *falls over from how relaxed he became*
Peh-yan: *falls asleep*
Takemichi, deep exhale of relief: Thanks guys...

Chapter Text

Takeomi: What’s going on? Oh! Are we messing with Benkei?
*Takeomi sits on Benkei’s lap*
Benkei: Takeomi! Do you have to sit right there?
Takeomi: What? I’m not doing anything.

Chapter Text

Shion: Love when the washing machine gets to the angry part. Let it out, girl!

Chapter Text

Akane: You do realize there’s a rumor going around that you’re in love with Takeomi?
Wakasa: A rumor? Are you telling me people are doubting it?

Chapter Text

Hakkai: I have so many thoughts that they all cancel each other out and I come up with 0 in the end.

Chapter Text

Ran, to Mikey: I heard some screams coming from your room last night, nightmares again?
Koko: *rolls his eyes*
Kakuchou, with a groan: Here we go...
Takemichi and Sanzu: *walks into the kitchen with a noticeable limp, their hair a disaster, and smile sleepily at Mikey as they go to grab coffee*
Mikey, watching Takemichi and Sanzu with a smirk: We weren’t sleeping.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, to Takeomi: You're my best friend and the best fuck I ever had

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I wrestled in high school

Draken: What, with your conscience?

Chapter Text

Senju: We need more women. 3,822,561,000 isn't enough.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Unredeemable to YOU, I, on the other hand, have very flexible morals.

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: Are you reading fanfiction?

Benkei, reading an article about extremely rare diseases: Wh- No.

Yamagishi: Oh, is it on AO3?

Benkei: This is CNN.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.

Chapter Text

Shion: I love it when you tell me something I don't know. It's, actually, really hot.

Akkun: Vacuum cleaners were, originally, horse-drawn.

Shion: I'm disappointed, in myself, that that still worked for me.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?  
Wakasa: I only like dark humor.  
Hanma, turning the lights off: What do you call a fake noodle?  
Hanma: An IMPASTA! 

Chapter Text

Baji: My boyfriend isn’t home and I forget the english world for something and its bad

Takemichi: I will assist???

Baji: You know that little sea bug with the stupid hands and it has a home but it changes it sometimes

Takemichi: Hermit crab?


Chapter Text

Shion, throwing a Pokeball at Ran: Ran, I choose you!
Ran, not looking up from his phone and catching it: You need an Ultra ball to catch this Legendary Pokémon~

Chapter Text

Hina: People ask me what I’m up to and I’m like, “seething with justified rage”

Chapter Text

Takemichi: The difference between us is that I do nothing to try to hide my clinginess while you pretend it's a coincidence that you're in the same room as me 97% of the time.
Kisaki: The fact that I'm laying on you means nothing.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Family isn't who you're born with, it's who you'd die for!
Takemichi, looking at his friends: And in this case possibly "with"

Chapter Text

Chome: We are surrounded

Hanma: Excellent, we can attack in any direction!

Chapter Text

Senju: Draken, don't you dare hurt him
Draken: *laughs* I won't
Baji: Don't laugh. She means it
Draken: Ok, I-I won't
Emma: Seriously, don't hurt him
Draken: Ok- I'm not planning on hurting him
Shinichiro: You better not be
Draken: I'm not!
Takeomi: Hey. Draken? You best watch yourself.
Draken: Why would any of you think I would hurt Sanzu? You're all my friends too
Mikey: Meh

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do when I grow up…

Random Prisoner: What are you considering?

Kazutora: Well, as a prisoner, I have all the muscles for a pole dancer

Chapter Text

Mikey: If I ever accidentally hurt Emma, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.
Mikey: Partly because I'd feel guilty; mostly because I'd know Senju and Sanzu would be coming for my head.

Chapter Text

Koko: Do you know what my love for you and my bank account have in common?

Inui: No?

Koko, winking: They’re both limitless

Chapter Text

Sakurako: I told you no midnight snacking, but you snacked anyway!
Mikey: No, I didn’t!
Sakurako: Oh, really? Then why is there food on your face?
Mikey: Because there’s always food on my face.
Sakurako True.

Chapter Text

Izana: Shion texted me "my love, I am intoxicated" and five minutes later Ran sends me a photo of him, passed out, phone in hand and zoomed in a picture of me.

Chapter Text

Izana: Last night a lot of the things I said to you were pretty ugly
Mikey: Yeah...?
Izana: I just want you to know that I stand by all of them

Chapter Text

Takeomi, to Senju: We are wanted in a couple states.
Sanzu: Fifty, actually.

Chapter Text

Hina: Based on genital structure, men should really be the ones wearing skirts and women should be wearing pants.
Takemichi: The Scots were right all along
Chifuyu: The Scots did it to hide more knives on their bodies
Kazutora: The Scots were right all along.

Chapter Text

Shion, after drinking the cactus juice: Am I the only one that finds it weird that I can transfer data from my brain to someone else’s by opening my mouth and pushing air with vibrations in their direction
Benkei: ... How high are you?
Shion: 1,80

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Shower thought! The sun has never seen a shadow
Takeomi: If you’d stayed in the shower a bit longer you’d have realized the sun has never seen anything

Chapter Text

Mana: Octopus enrichment idea- take them on walks.
Mitsuya: What if they escape the leash?
Luna: Owner enrichment idea- catch 'em.

Chapter Text

Senju: Why are you like this?
Takeomi: The true question is why aren't you like me? None of us had a decent father figure.

Chapter Text

Senju, after letting Mikey take a picture of her: Oh god these are horrible
Mikey: Well what do you want me to do that’s what you look like?

Chapter Text

*Takemichi pretending to be a cop*

Takemichi: Man, I wish I had some handcuffs

Hanma: Here, use mine!

*Hanma pulls handcuffs out of his back pocket*

Takemichi: …

Hanma: …I’m learning to do magic!

Chapter Text

Naoto: Have you, any members of your family, or close friends, been arrested for any kind of crime?
Angry: My brother was once arrested.
Naoto: How long ago was that?
Angry: Six, seven years ago.
Naoto: And what was the nature of the offense?
Angry: I'm not exactly sure. I think he was mainly arrested for being stupid.

Chapter Text

Draken: What's one or two legs, after all? And you're always by my side, aren't you? That's what I want more than anything.
Senju: Wow, that almost sounds like a marriage proposal.
Draken, pulling out a ring: That's because it is.
Senju, gasping and tearing up as Draken takes hold of her right hand: Oh

Chapter Text

Benkei: Did you ever think about how we never stop tasting our own tongues?

Shinichiro: How about I taste yours for a change?

Takeomi: I hate this so much. Get out of my house!

Chapter Text

*at the store*
Senju: Hey Haru-nii, can I have this?
Sanzu: No.
Senju: *turns two degrees to the right*
Senju: Hey, Take-nii, can I have this?
Takeomi: Sure

Chapter Text

*the little siblings are playing Clue*

Rindou: Wait, why are our options for suspects so limited? I mean really, if the windows were unlocked, anyone could’ve gotten in!

Emma: Rindou, it’s been 47 minutes since we set up the game! Stop criticizing the rule book and just play!

Inui: *flips over board and grabs the answer cards*

Inui: Senju? Really?

Hakkai: Goddamnit, Inui! It’s just a board game! It’s not like this is actually happening to us!

Senju: Actually happening to us..?

Naoto: Whatever it is you imbeciles are thinking, leave me out of it.

~4 hours later~

Angry: Do I even want to know how you and Rindou put this together so quickly.

Inui: *dragging a limp Emma with closed eyes across the room*

Inui: Probably not.

Emma: Remind me again why I had to be the dead body?

Naoto: Hey, shut up. You’re dead. Dead people don’t talk.

Mana, over a speaker: Just a quick reminder that you have five minutes before the poisonous gas is released!!

Emma: Why did there need to be poisonous gas?!?

Hakkai: Senju wanted to get into character.

Rindou: Well there’s no real suspense with regular gas, now grab the fake blood cans and follow me.

Angry: How about next time we stick to Go Fish....

Chapter Text

Hina: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it.  
Hina: And I started thinking.  
Hina: Like, it was just trying to get food.  
Hina: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?  
Naoto: Are you ok? 

Chapter Text

Angry: I'm here to see Hakkai. I'm a friend of his.
Taiju: That's impossible. Hakkai has no friends.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Baji was trying to say big dick energy but he couldn't remember it and said 'is it that fat penis spirit?'

Chapter Text

Koko: I think I know what would cheer you up. A little gossip.

Mikey: I hate gossip.

Also Mikey: *sips his tea* Who's it about?

Chapter Text

Akane: I'm pretty good at basketball.
Koko: I tried out for golf in high school, but I hit a goose.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You helped me a lot. I have to thank you. What can I do?

Chifuyu: Marry me.

Takemichi: ...Except this.

Chapter Text

Shion: I'm bored. 
Sanzu: Wanna commit first degree murder? 
Shion: Sure! 
Benkei, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Hanma down!! 

Chapter Text

Emma, opening a can, accidentally spraying it everywhere: Ah, shit!

Shinichiro, gasping in shock: EMMA! We do NOT use that kinda language in this house!

Mikey, glancing suspiciously over to Izana: Gee, sure wonder where she got that from.

Izana, swiping through his phone, not looking up: From the fridge, Mikey, where the fuck else?

Chapter Text

Reporter: Who is your favorite sibling?
Takeomi, on a bad day: I have no favorites, I hate everyone equally.
Reporter: ....
Takeomi: I woke up with shaving cream on my slippers. And stick it in my comb.
Reporter: ????
Takeomi: "It's just a little fun," they said. "The war on pranks is not going to increase," they said. Look at me. Do I seem to be having fun? Why are they waging a war on pranks in my house when only one of them still lives there and some of them never lived there?

Chapter Text

Mikey: You kissed me!

Baji: No, you kissed me first!

Mikey: No, I’m pretty sure you kissed me first

Baji: No, I’m definitely sure it was-

*Shinichiro and Takeomi observing from the living room*

Takeomi: It was simultaneous

Shinichiro: I’m not arguing with her though. They are still adorable. 

Takeomi: Yep. 

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Hm, I'm sad 
Benkei: Do you want me to take my shirt off?
Takeomi: But-
Wakasa: Be quiet, Omi...

Chapter Text

Takemichi, noticing Toman looking at him and his friends: ...Is something wrong?

Mitsuya: No, no! We...we just didn't expect to see you guys with your hair completely down and without any gel

Takuya: Oh! My mom is having a dinner party to celebrate a promotion at work and she requested us to have out hair down like this

Peh-yan: You guys look good

Yamagishi: Thanks!

Makoto: But it is a bit strange to have our hair down like this since we normally only have our hair like this on our sleepovers

Akkun: True

Mikey: I see...

Chapter Text

Hina: Oh, and for your information, I don't have an ego.
Hina: My Facebook photo is a landscape.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Mikey, can I take you to my therapist next week?

Mikey: Why?

Kazutora: She thinks I'm making you and all your issues up

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I’m done being careful.

Chifuyu: You think you’ve been careful so far?

Chapter Text

Baji: I have a philosophy in life, and that is if the seat is open, the job is open. That is how I briefly wound up driving a Formula 1 car.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Hello, Shin-chan. What are you up to?
Shinichiro, laying in the sun: Nothing.
Wakasa: Nothing at all?
Shinichiro: Nope.
Wakasa, laying down beside him: I’ll help.
Shinichiro: Please do.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I don’t know who I love! Kazutora or Baji?!

Hina: What’s 2+2 ?

Chifuyu: 4

Takemichi: What do you eat soup with?

Chifuyu: A spoon

Hina: Who do you love?

Chifuyu: Kazutora!


Chifuyu: Ohmygosh!! I love Kazutora!!!

*Chifuyu runs off after Kazutora*

Chapter Text

Akashi's Dad: I suppose you think Emma's mother is more nurturing than I am.
Takeomi/Sanzu/Senju: Father, there are prison cells that are more nurturing than you are.

Chapter Text

Emma, to Izana: You’re my brother and I love you, but you’re a great big bag of dicks.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Emma I need help winning a fight, and you're pretty good in a fight. Will you come?

Emma: Why don't you take Baji?

Sanzu: Baji only cares about fighting, I want to win.

Emma: How about Mikey? He is better at fighting than me

Sanzu: Mikey only cares about food...

Emma: ...True. Well, how about Izana then?

Sanzu: Seriously? No

Emma: ...Yeah, I realized it was a bad idea as soon as I hit send

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Listen, I'm older than the rest of you...
Mikey: And old.
Baji: And older.
Wakasa: And with age has come wisdom.
Senju: Weight.
Sanzu: Greyness.
Senju: And weight.

Chapter Text

*Wakasa torturing a guy while Shinichiro stands next to him helping him*

Shinichiro: Do you need another pair of gloves?

Wakasa: Yes, please.

*Wakasa changes his blood-covered gloves and gives Shinichiro a soft smile*

Wakasa: I’m almost done here

Shinichiro: It’s alright, take your time *smiles nonchalantly*

*Wakasa gets lost in Shinichiro’s smile for long seconds*

The guy being tortured: Can I…?

Wakasa: Shut the fuck up! We’re having a moment here. Can’t you see it??!

Chapter Text

Takeomi: We could've had it-

Sanzu and Senju, in the background screaming their lungs out: ALL!

Baji: ...What are they doing?

Benkei: I don't really know

Chapter Text

Smiley: Are you drinking pepsi for breakfast?

Peh-yan: Yeah, what did you have for breakfast?

Smiley: Nothing.

Peh-yan: I'm doing better than you then.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: This is the stupidest fight ever! 
Baji: We've had stupider!

Chapter Text

Hanma: Why must you always insult me?
Kisaki/Kazutora: That's called being a good and attentive partner. Calling out the dumbass things your dumbass partner does.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Adulting is hard

Shinichiro: How do I quit? 

Benkei: Time travel

Wakasa: Die.

Chapter Text

Sakurako: You spent Mother's Day without your family?
Karen: It's called "Mother's Day," not "Spend Time With Your Kids Day"...

Chapter Text

Senju: Embracing my demons

Sanzu: French kissing them

Takeomi: Might fuck them

Chapter Text

Draken: Hey, do those men over there seem familiar to you?

Draken: I swear I have seen them before...

Kazutora: That's Haitani Ran and Haitani Rindou

Draken, confused since Kazutora wasn't present during Toman vs Tenjiku: You know them?

Kazutora: They have been my sugar daddies for months. So yes, I do know them.

Chapter Text

Koko: Rindou! I’m so glad you’re here! I-I mean in a totally non-romantic, comrade-in-arms kind of way.
Rindou: Aw, Koko

Chapter Text

*Kisaki is going shopping*
Takemichi: Alright, I just need to see your credentials, you know that you need a doctorate in Villain to shop here.
Kisaki: Yeah, last time I kinda sweet-talked the guy. And by sweet-talked I mean threatened his family and friends.
Takemichi: I know, that was me. But since then I’ve gotten seaparated from my family and friends, so your threats are meaningless!
Takemichi: You're lookin' at a man with nothin' to lose! 

Chapter Text

Mochi: How did that window break?

Hanma: I do not know. It is a very cheap train. Everything breaks.

*Hanma turns, his face is covered in blood*

Mochi: Oh my God. What happened to your face?

Hanma: I may have killed the bad woman. It's OK! I threw her out the window. She's gone. Did you get my ice cream sandwich?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu/Inui: Be gay, do crime


Angry: Be Bi, stay free thanks to legal loopholes

Takemichi/Peh-yan: The fuck?!

Sanzu: Be Pan, learn to hide all evidence

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I’ve noticed since I had COVID Coke(the soda) tastes GROSS

Ran: Thanks for clarifying

Rindou: Coke(the powder) still tastes fine?

Chapter Text

Emma: Do you wanna hold my baby?
Izana: Yeah, nice try. You got yourself into this mess, you hold your own damn baby.

Chapter Text

*in a night club*
Takeomi, texting: Where the fuck did you and Benkei go?
Shinichiro, also texting: WE'RE FUCKING
Shinichiro: TRYING TO *message not delivered*
Shinichiro: GET DRINKS *message not delivered*
Takeomi: Ugh, nevermind.
Shinichiro: NO WAIT *message not delivered*

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You know come to think of it, I don't believe those men were ever truly sorry for party rocking

Chapter Text

Angry: ...I would suck a dick right now but not necessarily in a horny way. It would be more about the craft

Chapter Text

Phe-yan: I can't believe that the same compassionate God who created weed also invented me going to work in the morning

Chapter Text

Sanzu: 'Source?' Bro, it's divine intuition

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: First date idea- We go out for coffee and then the date lasts the entire weekend and then we move in together by the end of the month.

Hakkai: *By the end of the week

Chapter Text

Inui: Why do they gotta play ABBA in grocery stores?........What kind of cruel torment is that?........You can't just put me, a gay, in a public area where literally every single human has to visit...and play Voulez-vous....What am I meant to do?? NOT go berserk?? NOT give in to the most primal desires to dance and sing etched into my gay ass bones?? YOU EXPECT ME to sit here and browse tinned peaches with fucking ABBA playing though shitty tinny ass public speakers??

Chapter Text

Yumi: Haruki, is that outfit a police issue?
Pah-chin, in a Hawaiian shirt and sparkly leggings, not paying attention: Oh yeah, I'm definitely a police issue

Chapter Text

Akane: Release all the sounds trapped in your mind.

Shinichiro: *makes an inhuman screech*


Akane: Shin, are you ok?

Shinichiro, sheepish: I'm a little messed up.

Chapter Text

Chonbo: Yeah, Chome...But sometimes giving up is a good thing, like in arguments, if you know you are wrong then give up..
Choji, glaring at Hanma:
Hanma: I know I'm wrong, It's just fun to argue.

Chapter Text

*At Sanzu and Rindou’s wedding*

Senju, making a speech: We’re gathered here to celebrate my brother's marriage

Senju: And I have only one thing left to say to that brother

Senju: I implore you to rethink your choice. There’s still time to run. It’s not too late 



Takeomi, wiping his eyes: Omg, that was beautiful 

Chapter Text

Yasuda: You know archaic Latin?
Peh-yan: I got bored with classical Latin.
Yasuda: You know normal Latin?
Peh-yan: Yeah someone from my knitting club taught me.
Peh-yan: You don't know everything about me, Yasuda.

Chapter Text

Baji: Hey, old man! I have a question.

Ryoko: Mind your manners, Keisuke.

Baji: Yes, mom. Please answer my question, old man.

Chapter Text

Koko: Let's do a post-mortem on our failed mission to see what we did wrong.
Mochi: We allowed idiots to make decisions.
Kakuchou: You say that every time.
Mochi: I haven't been wrong yet.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I demand that you hug me!!
Benkei: …?
Shinichiro: That’s how he asks for hugs.
Takeomi: You’ll get used to it. 

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Are you serious? We almost died doing this, and now you're just eating a scone?
Shinichiro: What? I wanted a scone, do you want half?
Sanzu: Yeah, I do.

Chapter Text

Ran: They say that fortune favors the bold. Therefore, thinking with my dick will grant me fortune.

Chapter Text

Mikey: My life stinks.
Shinichiro: Cheer up, you’re still a kid.
Takeomi: It’s gonna get much worse. 

Chapter Text

Shion: I want to hold you in my arms for the rest of time...

Yuzuha: Darling, I cannot hold still that long.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: What are you doing?
Hakkai: I was just gonna light this chicken on fire to see if it turns into a phoenix
Yuzuha: It's 2am
Yuzuha: Quick, before Taiju wakes up

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: It's cold in this house.
Peh-yan: Then turn up the heat.
Pah-chin: *glancing at Yumi* You think I have that kind of authority?

Chapter Text

Baji: Why don't we put all of the ocean in a cup, clean out the bottom and then pour it back?

Hanma: Idk, that's a lot of water man...might need two cups

Chapter Text

Hasegawa: One time, I accidentally went to the men's washroom instead of the women's one. The way I found out was that I opened a pad and the guy in the stall next to me said 'Dude, it must be a huge shit if you're having snacks here, good luck'.

Chapter Text

South: My name is Terano Minami, and I play the piano.
Rindou: Prove it.
South: There's no piano here.
Shion: That wouldn't get in the way of a real pianist.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Living with a tall dude is ridiculous. I just turned around and he was walking our cat around on the ceiling.

Hanma: You wouldn't get our bond

Chapter Text

Ryusei: What does bae even mean?
Chifuyu, instantly: Baji above everything

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: You want me to do what? Ahahahaha! No. 

Koko: Are you sure you wish to refuse my request?

Yuzuha: Absolutely. Yes. 

Koko: Even though I have the entirety of your search history at my fingertips. 

Yuzuha: …You wouldn’t. 

Koko: I wonder what Taiju and Hakkai would think about your three month long obsession with- 

Yuzuha: Fine! I’ll do it! 

Koko: Why thank you for your generous, totally not blackmailed, offer to help me, Yuzuha. 

Chapter Text

Akane: How slutty would you say you are?

Mochi: In theory? Very. In practice? Not at all, I'm lazy

Benkei: The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak(?)

Chapter Text

Ran: Don’t preach to me about romance, Rindou. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.

Chapter Text

Ryusei: I forbid you from taking another step out of this room

Chifuyu: Ok

*Chifuyu jumps out the window*

Chapter Text

Mikey: If my crush disagrees with me, I will immediately change my views. I have no principles.

Takemichi: Well, maybe you should have principles.

Mikey: You're absolutely right. Maybe I should.

Chapter Text

Smiley: *making his way to the meeting, he spots his friend gazing out the window* What are you doing you, Peh-yan?

Peh-yan: She's pretty~*fawns as he looks down at Yasuda sitting below a tree with a book"*

Smiley: ...*looks down to see who he is gazing at and looks at Peh-yan* And you're ugly. Now get back to work *grabs a lovesick Peh-yan by the hoodie to get him to go to the meeting*

Chapter Text

Taiju: If I get pushed into a pool this summer, I'm not swimming back up. Enjoy your murder charge. Now everybody's summer is ruined.

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: If we were the fashion police we'd have to throw ourselves in jail

Pah-chin: Speak for yourself 

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: "29-34 Give a particular ecosystem and explain how could it be protected."
Kakuchou: Help.
Izana: Forests, stop cutting down trees and don't hold gender reveal parties anywhere near them.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Look, I know you’re a little annoyed right now—
Naoto: Oh, I’m so sorry I gave you that impression. I’m a LOT annoyed.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: *gives a bouquet to Kazutora*  
Kazutora: You know I'm allergic.  
Chifuyu: That's the point. 

Chapter Text

Koko: How do people get addicted to gambling? I just lost $5, and I'm already planning to blow up the casino and everyone in it.

Chapter Text

Takuya: I mean, I get it, I guess. He's your first girlfriend or whatever.

Senju: He's not just my first girlfriend. He is the best girlfriend!


Senju: I mean, think about it. I'm dating Yamagishi Kazushi of all people!



Takuya: Yeah...On purpose... *under his breath* Not many could say that.

Chapter Text

*Y/N spots Inui in the library and walks over*
Y/N: Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Inui: Zero interest.

Chapter Text

Rindou: I'll give you my left over fruit roll up if you write my 2000 word English paper for me.
Y/N: Deal.
*Ran seeing this exchange*
Ran: I'll give you 100 doll-
Y/N: Don't be stingy.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Do I know anything about children? No. Should I have picked up a book about parenting? Probably, yes. 
Takeomi: Where was I going with this?
Y/N: No clue. 
Sanzu: You were scolding us for drinking beer with Waka-nii. 
Senju: What the hell, Haru-nii?!
Sanzu: We both know he’d be more upset if he found out again tomorrow. 
Y/N & Senju: Fair point. 
Takeomi: I hate being a single father. 
Wakasa: I could help you with that!

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Shinichiro.

Shinichiro: Oh, hey Takeomi! Senju! What can I do for you?

Senju: What are your intentions with Haru-nii?


Chapter Text

Baji: You're Shinichiro's favorite, you know that, right? 

Mikey: I am LITERALLY not, but okay.

Baji: Yeah? Call him a bitch right now.

Mikey: Wha- I don't, - I don't feel like it

Baji: Chicken? 

Mikey: I- Fine. Hey, Shin-nii! In case you forgot, you're a bitch! 

Shinichiro, reading a magazine, only glaring a little bit: Hn. 

Baji: Okay. Hey, Shin-nii? You're kind of a jerk.

Shinichiro, immediately standing up: What did you say, Baji Keisuke?! 

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I think I pulled a muscle.
Chifuyu: Takemichi, You can't pull what you dont have.

Chapter Text

Hasegawa: I don't sweat.
Hina: Everyone sweats.
Takemichi: Not Hasegawa. She never sweats.
Hina: What do you mean, "she never sweats"?
Hasegawa: Sweating is gross, so I don't do it.

Chapter Text

Yasuda: Do not come over to my house.
Yasuda: If the house is on fire you may knock once.
Yasuda: If I do not answer, assume I set the fire and want to burn to death.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Oh your hit TV show is a "must watch"? Big deal. I was a must watch when I was still in diapers. I had to be watched for years.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Murder seems to be the best course of option. 
South, nodding sagely: So it seems
Senju, sighs: I’ll get it *steps off chair, climbs over bed, and squashes spider on the floor*

Chapter Text

Karen: Doesn’t that plan seem a little underhanded?
Y/N's mom: Well, desperate times call for desperate housewives.
Sakurako: …
Y/N's mom: I mean measures…I said measures

Chapter Text

Makoto: You tell ghost stories after sex?

Takemichi: That's for me and my girlfriend to know

Chapter Text

Makoto: Hello, spirits. We're here with the good vibes

Chapter Text

Hanma: Hey birches I'm smoking double blunts at white castle yeeee hAw

*1 hour later*

Hanma: Guys, I'm too high

Chapter Text

South: Saying “bitch” not as a misogynist, but as a part of the bitch community myself

Chapter Text

Baji: I never had a brother, but I know 4 guys who did. And they would have fights and squabbles. But at the end, they always had each other's shells.

Shinichiro: .......Are you talking about the ninja turtles?

Baji: Of course, I'm talking about the ninja turtles!

Chapter Text

Koko, Yamagishi & Y/N: If you can’t beat them, join them. If you can’t join them, bribe them. If you can’t bribe them, blackmail them.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha, doing a crossword: I need a 3 letter word for disappointment. 

Emma: Mum. 

Hina: Do you wanna talk?

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: Quick guys! How do I make the girl I like fall in love with me?

Pah-chin: Send a dick pic


Chapter Text

Senju, posting on Instagram: London I know how you feel... I lost my queen too.

Takeomi: What the fuck is she talking about?

Sanzu: She and Emma had an argument over waffles and pancakes being the same.

Chapter Text

Mikey, lost in a crowd of people having lost the others: Okay... what to do... hmmm... I HATE SANO MANJIROU!
Takeomi, from outside of the crowd: FaLsEHoOD!
Izana: Someone dares talk ill about Mikey without me?! I swear I will end them and NO ONE SHALL FIND THE BODY!
Shinichiro: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY BROTHER YOU *starts to swear angrily in tagalog*
Mikey: ...oh shit.
Benkei, calmly sips his drink while walking up behind Mikey, dragging a disgruntled Sanzu along: Do I need to get a kid leash for you all?

Chapter Text

*police sirens in the distance*
Takemichi, who has done nothing wrong: They're coming for me
Hanma, currently wanted for pick-pocketing, aggravated assault, identity theft, credit card fraud, and arson: *sipping smoothie* Yeah, probably

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Hanagaki, isn’t it weird that you had a crush on every person in this room?
Takemichi: Well, maybe a littl-
Hina: You had a crush on Sanzu??
Takemichi, blushing: Yeah, when we first met…
Mikey: Wait, you had a crush on me? How embarrassing 
Takemichi, annoyed: I have a crush on you. We are literally dating, you’re holding my hand right now

Chapter Text

Takeomi: If anyone is feeling anxious or worried or even if you just want to chat, please, please do not come crying to me.







Sanzu: *sniffles*

Takeomi: Oh, come here baby.

Chapter Text

South: Christmas lights?  
Kakuchou: Check.  
Mochi: Thermos of hot cocoa?  
Kakuchou: Check.  
Shion: Santa suits?  
Kakuchou: Check.  
Rindou: Shovel?  
Kakuchou: Check.  
Ran: Alibi and bail money?  
Kakuchou: Check- wait, WHAT?! 

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *forces Takemichi to go through a door before him*

Takemichi: That was uncharacteristically nice of you

Sanzu: I can slam it in your face next time if you want

Takemichi: There it is

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Holy shit, Fuyu, do you know what this means?!
Chifuyu: Michi, whenever you start doing this, nobody knows what you mean.

Chapter Text

Hina: Where is he? Where's Kisaki?
Hanma: Hmm, you mean I'm not good enough for you? You're hurting my feelings.

Chapter Text

*playing a board game*

Yamagishi: You ready?

Senju: Yeah...

Yamagishi, reading a card: "Mention three famous historical monuments"

Senju: My wife, the...

Yamagishi: That! You won!

Chapter Text

Mitsuya, on the group chat: There are five frogs staring at me right now
Yuzuha: But only one can be Japan's next top model

Chapter Text

Ran, fancy wrist movement: Do you ever want to just call someone a twat without them knowing?
Shion: Yeah... at times.
Ran, chuckles: Well, just say "there we are then" to everything they say...
Shion: *confused noise*
Ran: Because the first letters of "There We Are Then" is T, W, A, T which spells out TWAT.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: I love you. You're the best big brother. Did I ever tell you congratulations on the SATs? Are you doing something different with your hair? It looks nice. Th-

Taiju: What do you want?

Yuzuha: Nothing. Can't I tell you how much I love and appreciate you?

Taiju: *sips soda* Uh-huh. sure

*5 minutes later*

Yuzuha: ...Taiju, will you drive me and Senju to the movies...?

Taiju: I KNEW IT!!

Chapter Text

Shinchiro: Look, as a straight man, I think-
Akane: Wait, what did you just call yourself? 
Shinchiro: …a straight man? 
Akane: Oh, so we’re just saying things now? 
Akane: As a toaster, I-
Shinchiro: Shut up Sirius.

Chapter Text

Luna: Men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other's eyes

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I hate you.
Benkei: I hate you more.
Wakasa: Oh, is it? I hate you so much that I would spend my life with you just to bully you.
Benkei: AH Yeah, PROOF ME!
Shinichiro: ...What happened?
Takeomi: Sit down, they've been like this for 1 hour

Chapter Text

Takemichi, dejected and pathetic: I'm going to make a fool of myself

Baji, confident and powerful: I'm going to make a fool of myself

Chapter Text

Baji: Have you ever met someone that was sunshine in human form?

Chifuyu/Ryusei/Takemichi/Hina: Yes

Chapter Text

Baji: Is he acting strange?

Choji: It's Hanma, who can tell?

Chapter Text

Chome: And when we finally kill the gods neither hell nor heaven will be waiting for them because they created those to imprison us

Chome: Burned my eggs and got mad, sorry lol

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: You know, I think you're really cute.
Takeomi: You wanna go out some time?
Shinichiro: I meant as a friend, Takeomi.
Takeomi: Oh, sorry.
Shinichiro: But I do love you.
Takeomi: Really?!
Shinichiro: As a friend, Takeomi!
Takeomi: ...Alright.
Shinichiro: Let's have sex later, okay?
Takeomi: Huh?
Shinichiro: As FRIENDS, Takeomi. Geez, such a pervert...

Chapter Text

Baji, holding out money: Here’s $300 to break up with Tora.

Hanma: Save that money for our wedding.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Life is like Senju. It's short.
Senju: I can make it even shorter for you if you call me short one more time.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha, to Hina: If Senju doesn't say "I'm King of the world" within an hour on that boat, I will give you $100

Senju, within 5 minutes of getting on the boat: I'M KING OF THE WORLD!!!

Chapter Text

Baji: When are you next free?

Mikey: I'm forever incarcerated in my own personal flesh prison so I am never truly 'free'. but I don't have plans on Friday

Chapter Text

Mikey, entering a meeting: Alright Bonten, I'll ignore that some of you are late
Mikey: If you ignore that I'm the latest 

Chapter Text

Choji: Hanma, you're the salt of the earth.

Hanma: Thanks, Choji.

Choji: I meant "scum" of the earth.

Chapter Text

Masaru: And there's no repercussion for this?
Kiyomasa: I will not punch you.
Masaru: Oddly specific.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I saw a ghost can I sleep with you?
Takeomi: There's no such thing as ghosts.
Sanzu: Are you sure...?
Takeomi: ....Well now I'm not, get over here!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: You CANNNOT tell me what to do. You're not the boss of me!
Ryusei: I...told you to "sleep well".
Chifuyu: And I will not.
Chifuyu: I'm sorry. I haven't slept in 2 days. I have a problem.
Ryusei: I would never have guessed.

Chapter Text

Chome: Do you ever shake your leg because there's a rock in it?

Choji: That's your bones

Chome. Everyday, I learn a little more

Chapter Text

Shion: So, what are you guys gonna be for Halloween??

Rindou: The love of your life

Shion: Oh, so you're not dressing up? Cool!

Chapter Text

Draken: Did you ever offend a god?

Sanzu: Well...we made fun of Shinichiro

Baji: We made fun of Takeomi's questionable finance capability 

Mikey: And we did win a fight against Wakasa that ended with him doing something really embarassing

Sanzu/Baji/Mikey: Does that count?

Draken: ...

Chapter Text

Mana/Luna, about Hina/Emma: Wow...they are so kind and sweet, just like a big sister! Nothing like the 'let's use violence to deal with this' misters.

Chapter Text

911 Dispatcher: Hello 911, what’s your emergency?

Sanzu: Mucho fainted and is bleeding from the nose 

911 Dispatcher: An ambulance is on its way, what were the events leading up to this?

Sanzu:  *mumbles*

911 Dispatcher: I can't quite hear you can you repeat that

Sanzu: I put on a maid dress

Chapter Text

Ryusei: Where are we going?
Rindou: My place. You can sleep on the couch.
Ryusei: I am not sleeping on the couch!
Rindou: Fine, you can sleep on the stove.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Open the door!

Emma: I’m busy working on a project.

Mikey: I need to talk to you!

Emma: Sorry, door’s locked-


Mikey: Now it’s not...

Hina: He has the key?

Emma: No, he has a foot...

Chapter Text

*Emma tries to untangle her hair*

Sanzu: May I comb it for you?

Emma: Hmmm?

Sanzu: I want to comb it for you

Emma: Okay 

*Emma takes a seat as Sanzu tenderly combs her tangled locks, Emma hums in contentment*

Sanzu: How does it look?

Emma: Amazing. Thank you, Haru-nii. 

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Naoto, there's been a murder

Naoto: Oh, good. I was almost going to have time to relax, thank god you saved me.

Chapter Text

Shion, at 3 am: Izana? It's pretty fucked up that we assume that Wall-E is a boy. It's a robot. Izana? Wake up, Izana. Listen. It's sexless

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Are you really so threatened by me that you'd rather have a fight than just listen to me?
Mikey: I'm not threatened, you're threatened
Takemichi: Why would I be threatened?
Mikey: Because I'm threatening you

Chapter Text

Ran: It's so hot outside.
Kisaki: Well maybe you shouldn't have worn all black.
Ran: This is a summer shade of black.

Chapter Text

Hina: What the fuck? The door's been locked from the outside
Takemichi: We seem to be trapped in one of those "can't leave until you have sex" rooms
Mikey, unlacing his doublet: Okay, no big deal then
Sanzu: Wait, uh, the sign says, Welcome to the "can't leave until you are emotionally honest with each other" room
Sanzu: We're going to die in here

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: You're an attention-seeker. 
Mikey, gasp: I am not! 
Mikey: I'm the total opposite of an attention-seeker. I'm the best there ever is, the great Invincible Mikey do not- hey don't look away when I'm talking here.

Chapter Text

Baji: I kind of love telling people I don’t want kids.
Baji: Because then they hit me with that line, You might change your mind when you get older!
Baji: And then I get to respond with, B*tch, I was not put on this planet to raise children!
Baji: I was put on this planet to raise hell!
Senju: It’s worth mentioning that he does this unprompted. No one looks at him and thinks, ah yes, this one should be responsible for children, unless they need their sanity checked.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: How far did you fall for Mikey?
Koko: Fell? Who said I fell?! HE TRIPPED ME!

Chapter Text

Chome: So, uh... What did we learn?

Choji: I don’t know. Nothing?

Emma: I guess we learned not to do it again. I’m fucked if I know what we did, though.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: So, what are we doing this summer?

Baji/Mikey: I think we should start a cult

Emma: Reasonable ideas?

Senju: No, put the cult on the maybe pile

Chapter Text

Mucho: When Smiley has daiquiris he gets really into how beautiful he is.
Smiley: Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
Pah-chin: Hey Smiley, you know that’s a mirror, right?

Chapter Text

Mana: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment!
Luna: Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!

Chapter Text

Emma, to Takemichi: Get in loser, we’re going shopping.

Chapter Text

Y/N: Until I fell in love with you, I thought my attraction to women was purely physical.
Akane: So you were gay... and then you realized that you were Even More Gay.

Chapter Text

Ran: Please don't look at me like that

Mitsuya: Like what?

Ran: Like you could love me. Like you want to learn how. It makes me hope

Chapter Text

Shion: Could you be any more annoying?
Hanma: Yes.
Shion: Can you teach me how?

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I’d really like it if you guys didn’t always have sex when I’m in the next room! 
Shinichiro: what? We didn’t have sex!  
Wakasa: Don’t you lie to me, I can tell by Takeomi’s hair! You are so lazy, can’t you get on top for once?! 

Chapter Text

Mikey, wearing Emma's cheer uniform: It's not what it looks like!
Mikey: Okay, it is but-
Emma: Do you want my pom-pom's too?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Are you going out to get in trouble again?
Mikey: Shin-nii, I’m not going to lie to you.
Mikey: *leaves*

Chapter Text

Baji: I've been eating peanut M&M's in hopes that if a cannibal eats me and is allergic to peanuts, I can get my revenge.
Ryusei: That sentence started out so normal...

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Accidentally went and got myself killed yesterday but the gods won’t let me die so I’m back.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, to Kisaki: She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales, and books are written by rabbits.

Chapter Text

Ran: I’m invoking the “no judging” clause of our friendship 

Kisaki: Oh my God, what did you do?

Chapter Text

Sanzu: How come you stopped calling me stuff like “darling”?
Mucho: You don’t remember what happened last time? I called you "baby" and you passed out.
Sanzu: How else am I supposed to react?

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Don't touch that, it's blood.

Hina: It's not blood.

Kisaki: Enjoy your hepatitis.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, to Takemichi: If I die, you better be right behind me, or I will haunt your kitchen cabinets until the day you die

Chapter Text

Benkei: Now I'm going to go home, take a long nap and wait for the bruises to show up on my wrists.

Wakasa: That actually sounds pretty good. I'll come along, it's been a long time since we've napped together

Chapter Text

Takemichi, about Hina: She's a charming woman

Naoto: A 'charming woman'? Are you Jane Austen now?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: How do I look?

Takeomi: Like an idiot.

Shinichiro: Sweet!

Chapter Text

Naoto, to Takemichi: If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you should do it the way I told you to in the beginning.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: If I tell you, there's absolutely no way you're going to believe me.
Mikey: I don't believe you.
Wakasa: What did I just tell you?
Mikey: That I wouldn't believe you. But that's got nothing to do with my not believing you.
Wakasa: I know that, because I know why you don't believe me.
Sanzu, facepalm: I don't believe this.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You can't fool me, Y/N. I still don't trust you.

Y/N: Oh, Takemichi. You don't have to trust me... *whispers* You just have to love me.

Takemichi: What?

Y/N: Nothing!  

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I like my men tall, dark, and handsome.

Y/N: ...Can I substitute more 'tall' for those other two things?

Chapter Text

Y/N: Go to the nurse's office.
Takemichi: Why?
Hina: The blood runnin’ down your head ain’t a good enough reason for you?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Being smart never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot

Chapter Text

Baji: Think fast! *throws a ball at Chonbo*

Chonbo: *catches it* No. *pockets the ball*


Baji: Think fast! *throws a ball at Kazutora*

Kazutora: *catches it and throws it back like a fastball*

Baji: oh sHIT--


Baji: Think fast! *throws a ball at Chome*

Chome: *gets hit in the face*

Chome: ... *sobs*

Chonbo and Kazutora: *appearing out of nowhere* WHAT DID YOU DO?!

Chapter Text

Mikey, at 2am: I heard a woman strangled her husband to death a few days ago. Can you imagine just snapping like that?
Senju, laying next to him trying to sleep: Yes

Chapter Text

Hanma: Matsuno, when I die, I don't care who else is at my funeral, as long as you're there.
Chifuyu: Of course I'll be there. The murderer always shows up to throw off the cops.

Chapter Text

Naoto: What are you going to do? Annoy him into a confession?
Makoto: No.
*five minutes later*
Makoto, with a guitar: 3, 2, 1. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Chapter Text

Senju: I just calculated, I'm 56 kilograms.
Senju: And I just ate 800 grams of ravioli
Senju: Like a whole fucking can.
Senju: And so I'm just a little over 1% ravioli :D
Benkei: It's 4 am, what the fuck-

Chapter Text

Sanzu: By asking Hanagaki to hand you a copy of the movie “Up,” you create a paradox wherein he either has to give you up or let you down. 
Mikey: … 
Mikey: What?

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Believe me, Takemichi. You don't want to end up like your sibling. Without, you know, any friends.
Y/N: Hey! I do have friends.
Wakasa: Nooo...
Shinichiro: Y/N has friends. There's Akane...
Wakasa: ...
Y/N: ...
Shinichiro: I shouldn't have made that sound like I was gonna have a list.

Chapter Text

Mikey: What would happen if I die?
Baji: You would have a funeral.
Mikey: I meant what would you do?
Baji: I... would go... to the funeral.

Chapter Text

Baji: Shin-nii! Shin-nii! Take-nii called me a bad word.
Shinichiro: What was it?
Baji: It starts with a "B"-
Takeomi: Motherfucker doesn't start with a "B".

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Booty shorts that say, "chick-fil-a wants me dead".
Ryusei: Wouldn't it be shorter to say "gay"?
Chifuyu: It's not about efficiency, it's about sending a message.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: *causually strolling through the house*
Hina, Emma and Mikey: *in Mikey's room together*
Hina: I can't believe you're actually allowing me to touch it.
Emma: Well if you're gonna do this you have to, so...
Hina: It's pretty long
Shinichiro: *freezes* Wth?
Mikey: Yeah, yeah whatever
Hina: Yours too Emma
Emma: Sorry, I guess that's my bad
Hina: They're so soft
Mikey: Can you just stop touching it and get this over with?
Emma: Mikey! Don't be so hard on her!
Emma: Thank you for doing this again Hina
Hina: Eh it's no problem. I was bored so I thought why not? I'll just have be careful since this is my first time.
Mikey: So you mean to tell me you've never done this before?
Hina: Let's not get into the details
Shinichiro: NOT ON MY WATCH!
Shinichiro: *slams door open to see Hina in middle of cutting Mikey's hair with Emma next to her*
Shinichiro: Oh thank goodness

Chapter Text

Taiju: Are you going to make sure nobody picks on your brother?

Yuzuha, holding Hakkai's hand: ..mhmm, yeah

Taiju: You're gonna stick up for him?

Yuzuha: Y-yeah!!

Taiju: What is- What's the matter with him? Do you remember what it's called?

Yuzuha: Anxe-anxi-anshi-

Taiju: Anxiety?

Yuzuha: Anxiety!

Taiju: Yes.

Taiju: And if kids pick on your brother, what are you gonna do?

Yuzuha: ...

Yuzuha: KILL THEM!!!

Chapter Text

Teacher: You've failed two tests.
Baji: You've failed to educate me twice now.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Have I done something to offend you?

Kisaki: Only every time I see you.

Chapter Text

Mikey & Senju: Help! we're drowning!

South: Calm down. We’re only in six feet of water *grabbing the duo up with a teasing grin*


Chapter Text

Kazutora, as he is having a breakdown over accidentally killing Shinichiro: 'You mustn't blame yourself. Even though it is all your fault.'

Chapter Text

Choji: I don't know, just...believe in yourself or whatever.
Kazutora: Believe in myself? The same person who got me into this mess?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I don't understand why people laugh by themselves. Like, what's so funny?
Takeomi: Bitch, it's a private joke between me and me!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I love the term 'partners'. Are we dating? Are we robbing a bank? Are we the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies and are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit? Who knows! *looking up at you as he hugs your midsection*

Takemichi, ruffling his hair as he lays on his lap: '...I wanna marry this idiot so much'

Chapter Text

Alarm: *exists*

Mikey, Ran and Wakasa: Evil.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: No offense to me or anything, but what the fuck am I actually doing?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Relationship goals: having one.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: How do I unsubscribe from anxiety?

Chapter Text

Wakasa, looking at Benkei: Sometimes your tits just gotta be out.

Chapter Text

Dark Impulses Shinichiro/Mikey: I don’t need therapy, I need to kill people, killing people would fix me, being covered in blood will make me so stable and normal, I promise.

Chapter Text

Emma: I’m not a writer, by the way, I just black out sometimes and wake up to words on paper.

Chapter Text

Senju: If you ever feel the need to position yourself as “a normal person” versus “the freaks”, consider instead shutting the fuck up.

Chapter Text

Izana: Ran, have you ever been cheated on?
Ran: Mmm, yes.
Izana: What did you do?
Ran: With his body?

Chapter Text

Baji: Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think I will be in for stealing someone’s cat?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *takes a sip of milk and gags*
Takemichi: Oh my god, is this expired?
Takemichi: *takes another sip of milk*
Naoto: *horrified*

Chapter Text

Draken: I see you have taken graffiti as a hobby. 

Hakkai: Well, I had to do it so that my one true love could find his way back to me.

Draken: Is that why you write "H+D" everywhere? What does it mean?

Hakkai: ...

Hakkai: Hopelessly dense.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: You've heard of Netflix, now get ready for...

Yuzuha: IMAX and climax.

Mitsuya: Blockbuster and Cockthruster.

Hakkai: Hulu and Woohoo.

Y/N: Amazon Prime and Sexy Time.

Taiju: Going to church and praying for forgiveness.

Chapter Text

*at a party*
Shinichiro: *sitting on Benkei's lap*
Takeomi: *looking at Wakasa*
Takeomi: Why don't we do stuff like that?
Wakasa: *pulls Takeomi onto his lap*
Wakasa: Happy?
*a few minutes later*
Takeomi: Do you seriously have a boner right now?
Wakasa: You wanted this.

Chapter Text

Emma: You use emoji’s like a straight person.
Hanma: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.  

Chapter Text

Osanai, ordering coffee: I’d like a light roast.
Kisaki: You're kinda ugly. 

Chapter Text

Benkei: *struggling with a puzzle*
Benkei: Why is this so hard?
Wakasa: You want to know what else is hard?
Benkei: This puzzle board I'm about to beat you with.

Chapter Text

Baji: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Mitsuya's phone number just by choosing random numbers.  

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: "Letting my intrusive thoughts win and dying my hair blue" that is an IMPULSIVE thought. If I let my intrusive thoughts win I would be in fucking prison.

Chapter Text

Y/N: How'd you get this number?! 

Mucho: Y/N, I'm your brother. I pay the bills, for God's sake, I know the phone number.

Chapter Text

Senju, depressed over her feelings for Emma: What would my brother say if he saw me right now?
Wakasa, referring to his relationship with Takeomi: Probably, "Oh my God, there's two of them. WHERE IS ALL THE SUPERVISION???"
Senju: ....
Wakasa: Takeomi's my supervision, so I got a loophole.
Senju: But isn't it only logical that YOU would be MY supervision?
Wakasa: ...Well, then you were always gonna be doomed.

Chapter Text

Akane: We just left Wakasa and Shinichiro, and they said they were going home to have a handsome contest.
BD Members: *stare at her with a questioning look*
Benkei/Takeomi, sighing: It's where they try on different outfits and see who's more handsome.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I had a fight with Baji.
Kazutora, snorts: And what else is new?
Chifuyu: I just realized I was the one who was wrong.
Ryusei: Oh my God...
Chifuyu: I have to tell him. I have to apologize, right?
Ryusei: Are you KIDDING?! You have a 100 - 0 streak going for you! You've been bowling a perfect game! You've made every foul shot! You scored the touchdown every time! If you admit you're wrong now, HE WILL NEVER LET YOU LIVE IT DOWN!
Chifuyu: Well, it doesn't mean I won't be wrong next time -
Kazutora: -Fuyu, this is BAJI KEISUKE we're talking about!
Chifuyu: ...That's a good point.

Chapter Text

Baji: I’ll give you $500 to stop dating my brother



Kazutora: Did you take the money?

Hanma: Of course I did

Hanma: We need to start saving for our wedding

Chapter Text

Hina: *texting Emma* I’m leaving rn
Emma: Kys
Hina: What????
Emma: Keep yourself safe

Chapter Text

Mucho: Mikey would burn this world to the ground just to get what he wants. Don’t let him make you the villain.
Sanzu: Maybe I already am.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Look at the buns on that guy!
Shion: *lying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns*
Smiley: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny!
Hanma: I'm not going back to jail!

Chapter Text

Senju: Coffee is disgusting! I only drink the finest leaves!

South: Tea is just pompous water, real adults drink coffee!

Mikey: Sometimes I add rainbow sprinkles!

Chapter Text

South: I don't give a fuck
Kakuchou: *Shivering*
South: Are you cold, love? You need a blanket? My jacket? Cup of tea? A hug? Come over here, let's cuddle.

Chapter Text

Mucho: So...Izana, how are you liking our new kitten?
Izana, holding Emma the cat: She's alright, I guess. Still don't need her.
Mucho: You sure about that?
Izana, petting the cat while she sleeps: Of course I'm sure, why?
Mucho, watching Izana cuddling the cat and soothing her: Oh, no reason

Chapter Text

Takeomi: The fact that I'm legally an adult is hysterical

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: I'm taking away language until yall learn how to act


Peh-yan: Bunga unga bunga bunga

Smiley: Tower of babel

Baji: Bbj. ajjsbf. lalsbfnjd. ghy.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Everybody lied to me when I got engaged. Being married is great.

Takemichi: There is a whole other person in my house and they love me.

Chapter Text

Akane: Shin called me old yesterday so I changed my lock screen from him to an old photo of Andrew Garfield.

Mochi: Really, Akane? I don't think Shin is going to fall for that-

Shinichiro: *holding Akane's phone up* WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?

Chapter Text

Emma, in a cemetery: I call upon the spirits of this cemetery for guidance…
Emma: How do I make Ryuuguji 'Draken' Ken realize my feelings for him and ask me out?
Shinichiro: *responding from beyond the grave through an ouija board* ha, simp

Chapter Text

Hina: *explaining something she saw on tv to Takemichi* are you tired? I can stop now.

Takemichi, stifling his yawns: No no, pls continue *continues to stare at her lovingly*


Hanma: *breathing*


Chapter Text

Senju: Guess what, guys. We officially have reached 50

Emma: 50? 50 what?

Senju: Baji has officially crashed 50 vehicles in the past decade.

Sanzu: 46 of those were his.

Emma: And the other 4?

Sanzu: They belonged to his other friends.

Mikey: And I'M the one that's not allowed to drive???

Chapter Text

Hina, standing perfectly still, is not visibly stressed and appears normal: I can't fucking take it anymore

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: You wanna know how I can tell when you’re lying?

Ran: How?

Kakuchou: Your lips are moving.

Chapter Text

Senju: I was kicked out of chess club today 
Takeomi: How come? 
Senju: Well, I was playing against Baji and he looks really funny when he's frustrated so every time he wasn't looking I added a piece to the board. 
Takeomi: That's it? 
Senju: By the end of it I had 4 queens 6 castles and 3 kings. 
Takeomi: ... 
Senju: He didn't notice until he had taken 3 of my queens off

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, with messy clothes and a cat on his arms while looking at a worried Kazutora: Oh, this? It's nothing, I just fell from the fifth floor to catch the cat and make sure he didn't end up hurt

Kazutora: ...


Takemichi, looking beat up and with bandages around his hands: Oh, it's nothing! I was just beat up a bit and got my hand stabbed, it doesn't even hurt

Hina: ...


*Tora and Hina, on their weekly, almost daily, hang outs where they talk about their suicidal and accidents prone boyfriends*

Tora: ...Hina, I think we should just marry each other

Hina: Agreed! If we marry Michi and Fuyu we will probably end up being widows before we turn 30.

Tora: So, who should wear the dress and who should wear the suit between us?

Hina: Hmm, how about both of us wear dresses? We would look amazing!

Tora: So true! I will tell Takashi to make a wedding dress for me too then!

Hina: Let's continue planning our wedding!

Tora: Of course!

Chifuyu/Takemichi, who had decided to spy on their lovers: ....

Chapter Text

Mikey: I think I'm depressed.
Kakuchou: That's good, that means you're paying attention.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Oh wow! The closet space in this room is huge!
Hakkai: You could fit like– three average-sized male bodies in here.
Hakkai, tearing up: It's perfect.

Taiju: I think this room is inadequate. If you multiplied cow's surface area by 16, she would not fit in here.
Koko/Inui: ???
Taiju: It is unacceptable.

Yuzuha, at a crime scene that took place inside a mansion: The infrastructure of this place is impressive! Especially the main hall. I'd live here!
Naoto: Uh-why?
Yuzuha: It has enough space to fit Taiju's shark at least 4 times!
Naoto: His-his what? Taiju's what??

Chapter Text

Y/N, trying to get a statement about an attack nearby the house to locate and arrest Mikey: And what's your name young man?

Mikey: Manthony.

Y/N: ... Uh... Okay and you?

Baji: Keithony. 

Y/N, squinting: Right... And you Miss?

Senju: Senthony.

Y/N: Mhm... Let me guess you lot are-

Emma: Emthony.

Sanzu: Haruthony.

Izana: Izathony.

Y/N: Sir please tell your siblings it's wrong to obstruct an investigation.

Shinichiro: Yes, children, please. Behave. 

Y/N: Thank you. What's your name sir?

Shinichiro: ...Shinthony. 


Mikey: *high fives Shinichiro*

Chapter Text

South: What's that?

Shion: Chocolate.

South: What's chocolate?

Shion: Candy. Do they not have candy where you're from?

South: Yeah. Grapes, nuts.

Shion: No wonder you're so bitter.

Chapter Text

Mikey: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Draken: Was that place out of dorayakis and taiyakis again?

Chapter Text

Rindou: Yeah, so, I burned down that building

Rindou: And I'd love to be sorry for that, but we all know I've done much, much worse

Chapter Text

Shion: We can't just attach a rope to the switch and, like, pull on it from a mile away? Maybe while enjoying a light snack?
Koko: The switch has sensors. It will read whether a person is touching it or not.
Hanma: Does it have to be a live person?
Benkei: Seriously?
Ran: No, he's right. If we attach a body to the switch...
Mikey: Where are we going to get a body in four minutes?
Sanzu: I can get a body in four minutes.
Mochi: This is some pretty morbid brainstorming.

Chapter Text

Mikey: What, you think you can buy me with food? 

Mikey: Because you can! 

Chapter Text

Kazutora's Mom: Young man, please hold this while I go to the bathroom *hands Benkei a baby Kazutora and walks away*

Benkei: *holds it softly*

Kazutora's Mom: *comes back* Thanks.

Benkei, glaring at Kazutora's Mom: No, this baby is mine now

Chapter Text

Senju: Some of us are still ‘it’ from a childhood game of tag.
Baji: Way to just fuck me up on a Tuesday.

Chapter Text

Akane: You're a viper husband. 

Wakasa: A VIPER husband? 

Akane: Anyone says the teeniest tiniest mean thing to Benkei and suddenly, ER nurses have double shifts. But you're subtle about it. 

Wakasa: I- I never do that! 

Akane: Oh, right. And the White Leopard broke the God Of War's jaw by pure accident. 


Chapter Text

Takemichi, to Sanzu: You done pretending that I'm not the love of your life?

Chapter Text

Benkei: Starting to think some of you are kinds horny

Wakasa/Shinichiro/Takeomi: Because I am

Chapter Text


Draken: Baby, I'm going to the grocery store before work

*a few minutes later*

Naoto: Good morning, get me some peaches

Draken: I'll get you the heavens and the earth, the stars and the moon

Draken: But I just left and I'm too lazy to go back

Naoto: ....

Chapter Text

Takuya: Absolutely not. 
Takuya: What did I say about batting your eyelashes at me?
Makoto, sadly: It only works on Akkun. 

Chapter Text

Draken: Just tell her, ‘you’re my destiny, girls like that’ 

*Mitsuya runs up to Yuzuha*

Mitsuya: Yuzuha, you are my density.

Yuzuha: What?

*Draken face palms himself*

Mitsuya: Sorry. You’re my destiny. 

Yuzuha: *blushes* Oh *giggles*

Chapter Text

Koko, drinking some cocktail while he sunbathes: I'm living my best life
Kakuchou: ...Ran is being walked like a dog by Mikey 
Koko: This ain’t about them

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: I need you
Yuzuha: ...For?
Mitsuya: Ever
Yuzuha, voice cracking: F-fuck off

Chapter Text

Y/N, looking at Emma: My mom is so petty. 
Y/N: She asked my dad to do the dishes yesterday and he didn’t so tonight she served him spaghetti in an ice cream cone and said “since you don’t want to wash the dishes I won’t use any”. 

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, drunk: Hey beautiful boy. What's your name?

Benkei: Honey, are you that drunk?

Shinichiro: *whispers* Don't call me 'honey'. Keizo's gonna be mad.

Benkei: I'm Keizo, your husband.

Shinichiro: *still drunk* Prove it. Show me your boobs!

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I miss the age before cellphones had touchscreens.
Y/N: You do?
Wakasa: Yeah, when I'd fight with Shin, it was just so much more satisfying to slam down the receiver or snap a phone shut then to just angrily stab the "End Call" button.

Chapter Text

Yamagishi, about Akkun: I know he's having a miserable time. We have telepathy. It’s like my brain is receiving phone calls from him.
Takuya: Well, you have a bad connection. Hang up.
Yamagishi: Nuh-uh. I can sense these things. Remember when he broke his leg and I sensed it?
Makoto: That’s because you fell on him and broke it.

Chapter Text

Benkei: Hey Akane, have you seen Mochi? 

Akane: *over her phone* Every part of him, yes



Chapter Text

Mikey: I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

Chapter Text

Inui: I think I might have an interest in Taiju. Although I doubt he’d feel the same way.

Taiju: I would literally write a thousand sonnets for him. Carve his name in a blade made by only the most precious metals. Hell, I'll purchase a goddamn star for him. He can have whatever he wants, he already has my heart.

Chapter Text

Emma: Are you checking out my ass?
Smiley: No.
Emma: Why aren't you?

Chapter Text

Ryusei; texting: Hey Fuyu, just heard Kisaki is in the hospital. I hope he gets well soon.
Chifuyu: I hope he does.
Chifuyu: Oh, sorry, I hate autocorrect.
Chifuyu: *dies.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: There's something I have to ask about you-know-who.
Izana: Voldemort?
Shinichiro: No.
Emma: Is it Voldemort?
Shinichiro: It's not Voldemort.
Mikey: You haven’t mentioned wizards once in this conversation, so I’m gonna have to assume it’s Voldemort.

Chapter Text

Inui: Oh, my God. Do you know what this is?
Koko: It’s a book. There’s a lot of those in here, this is a library.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I admit I have scary dog privilege, although my dog is not an animal it's a human and he's name is Haruchiyo

Sanzu, the said dog ready to kill anyone who looks bad in Mikey's direction:

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I have been captured by the enemy 

South, facepalming: Takemichi has a weird way of telling people we're married

Chapter Text

Mucho: How do you tell someone their breath stinks without being rude?
Rindou: I'm bored, let's drink mouthwash.

Chapter Text

*Ran and Shion runs into Ran's ex at the farmer's market*

Ran's ex: *smugly* Are you getting any? When Ran and I dated, our sex life was like my favorite steak - rare.

Shion: *snorts* That's because he likes it well done.

Ran's ex:


The steak:

Chapter Text

Takemichi: ...Are you flirting with my wife?
Kazutora: Yes I am.
Chifuyu: Do you wanna die?
Kazutora: Yes, I do.
Hina: ...wait what-
Kazutora: See ya! *jumps off a cliff*
Takemichi, horrified: Oh my god! Kazutora!
Kazutora, falling: Take me sweet deaaaath!

Chapter Text

South: What is this feeling I am feeling right now?

South: It’s like I am sad...for another person.

South: Is that a thing? Am I going crazy?

Chapter Text

*on Twitter*

Mitsuya: All I want to do is be in bed, snuggled in, with a book in my arms.

Ran/Hakkai, who changed their username to 'A book': Hiiii

Chapter Text


Yuzuha: Akashi Senju, where are you?

Senju: I'll be there in 10! If not, read it again!

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: Angry, whatever happens I just need you to know something: this is for your own good.
Angry: What?
Sanzu: *shoves Angry into a closet with Chifuyu and Hakkai and shuts it*

Chapter Text

Hina: You said no more scheming
Emma: I said "no, more scheming" 

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Raccoons have people hands
Ryusei: Or do we have raccoon hands

Chapter Text

Takeomi: So you're really just saying yes to everything right now?

Shinichiro: Yeah, why?

Takeomi, already googling engagement rings: No reason

Chapter Text

Mochi: Did you steal one of the neighbour’s garden gnomes again? They’ve been standing out there glaring at them suspiciously for the past half hour.

Shion: Nah, I got bored of that months ago. I’ve actually been adding new ones to their collection every few days for a couple of weeks now. I was wondering how long it would take them to figure it out.

Mucho: ....You’re a menace to society.

Shion: Thank you, I try.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You’re lost in the dark.

Mikey: When you’ve been in the darkness long enough, you begin to see.

Chapter Text

Mansuke: Makoto is like, ‘my child is fine’. No, Shinichiro watches a cartoon made for toddlers and kins the titular character.  
Shinichiro: I do NOT.
Shinichiro: I kin BINGO.  

Chapter Text

Rindou: I know I said you were family, but that doesn’t mean you have to do all the chores for us!

Sanzu: But that is what Takeomi always made me do...?

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: I'm just glad that you found the courage to tell me how great I am. It means so much.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Do you believe in time leaping?
Wakasa: I believe you’re a huge dork.

Chapter Text

Baji, to Takeomi: You’re like ‘I’m not a smoker, I only smoke when I drink’ you’re still a smoker! I can’t say 'I’m not a murderer, I only kill when I set fires’ I still go to jail!

Chapter Text

Senju: Pots and pans aren’t supposed to melt, right?
Benkei: No, they’re not.
Senju: So, this happened—
Senju, holding up a melted pan: It’s weird, right?
Benkei, genuinely so shocked that he’s not even mad: It’s impossible. 
Benkei: Congratulations.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Murder is never the answer.
Mucho: Of course, murder is a question.
Sanzu: And the answer is yes.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I don't want to be adopted by anyone from the BD. Shinichiro asked and I had to buy him an ice cream cause I felt bad for saying no.

Ryusei: Ha, at least no one tried anymore, right? Smiley and I have a betting pool, so please tell me they hate you

Kazutora: Haha. I mean, Y/N kinda seems like they want to? They pretty much tackled me into a hug and made me regret drinking coffee-

Ryusei: Backtrack. Backtrack. Y/N. Wants to adopt you. 

Kazutora: I mean, yeah, but of course I said no-


Kazutora: I don't see how this relates to you but-

Ryusei, writing in the GC: Everybody buckle up new parent just dropped 


Y/N, proudly showing off pictures of their newly adopted kids: And this is my beloved Chifuyu. My beloved Nahoya. My beloved darling Souya, and my beloved Takemichi, and my beloved Ryusei, and my beloved Kazutora. They enjoy video games and snacks

Shinichiro, taking this as an obvious challenge, taking out his familey's album: This is Mikey. His favorite hobby is fighting and eating dorayakis/taiyakis. 

Chapter Text

Ran: People that own chickens are trustworthy
Smiley: Chickens own themselves
Ran: You’re completely right and I’m a fool

Chapter Text

Kisaki: The urge to mess up your whole sleep cycle just to read books.

Chapter Text

Shion: Have I ever told you how you are my only friend and very precious to me?

Mucho: ...No, you haven't

Shion: Oh...Good. Just making sure

Chapter Text

Yasuda: Walking around with no bags or pockets or coats to hide stuff in freaks me out.

Yasuda: Imagine having no inventory.

Yasuda: Couldn’t be me.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You guys don't want to mess with me. 

Baji: Yeah, Takemichi will straight up cry in public. Don't try him

Takemichi: Yeah, I will straight up- 

Takemichi: …

Takemichi, tearing up: Baji, why would you say that?

Chapter Text

Baji/Kazutora: Who the fuck are you?!

Shinichiro: As one of the people who actually live here, I’m pretty sure I should be asking you that.... Although, given your appearance, I think I have a pretty good idea already.

Chapter Text

*Inui and Koko are at home, watching TV, then the phone, next to Koko, rings)
Inui: Koko...the phone.
Koko, focusing on the TV: Mm-hmm, it rings.
Inui: Can you answer it?
Koko: No. People are particularly stupid today, I can't talk to any more of them.

Chapter Text

Koko: *staring out the castle window*

Inui: What are you doing?

Koko: My phone died so I'm watching two idiots fight outside. They look ridiculous, I’m happy I don’t know them

Inui: *looks out the window*

Inui: That’s Mikey and Takemichi

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Wait, so why did you get detention?
Izana: Because Ran kept making fun of me and I got tired of it.
Emma: What did he say?
Izana: He said if being sexy is a crime, I'd be guilty.
Izana: Shit.
Izana: I threw a kickball at his head and everything.
Emma: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Izana: Like eleven times.
Izana: I just kept hitting him with it.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Takeomi tells me you had a fight a school.
Senju: Yeah, I did.
Wakasa: We didn’t send you to school to do that, Senju
Senju: I’m sorry, dad
*Wakasa closes the door*
Wakasa: ...Did you win?
Senju: Hell yeah.
Wakasa, high fiving her: That's my girl

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Yuzuha can’t talk right now., she’s currently having an in depth conversation with flowers.

Koko: Understandable. 

Chapter Text

Shion: I'm under stress, I'm under pressure...

Shion: The only thing I'm not under is Izana, which is a damn shame honestly.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: For god’s sake Kazutora, we’ve already been over this! Our mission is incredibly delicate, and serious. We need to focus! You can’t just keep trying to seduce every supernatural being you meet along the way!

Kazutora: Of course I can’t, I’m not stupid.

Takemichi: ...I’m glad you understand. Now, can we please-

Kazutora: Doesn’t mean I can’t try though.

Chapter Text

Naoto, after yelling at all his sister's friends, now turning to Mikey specifically: And anoth-
Mikey: You ever raise your voice at me again, and I'll start a gang war so elaborate and large scale that you'll be forced to call in the whole Japan police.
Mikey: And I'll do it whilst you're in the middle of an ultra important meeting, too.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Why is there blood everywhere?
Kazutora: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.
Hina: You stabbed someone?!
Kazutora: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Chapter Text

Yasuda: I love you.
Peh-yan: *looks around the room genuinely confused* me?
Yasuda: We’re literally married.

Chapter Text

*during a fight with Sanzu, Takemichi calls him to see if he's still mad*
Takemichi, on the phone: Hey...I miss you.
Sanzu: Really? When I throw darts at your photo I always hit right on target.
Takemichi, after hanging up, to Hina: I'll give him another day or two to cool off...

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Mikey: *slams open the front door, comes stomping in, throws his coat on the floor, angrily kicks off his shoes, flops down on the couch, half in Yamagishi's lap as he watches TV*
Yamagishi, still watching the TV: So how was your day, babe?
Mikey: *grabs throw pillow next to them, holds it to his face, screams*

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Koko, to the new members: Welcome to Bonten. We trus—
Ran: *falls through the ceiling*
Koko: Hey Ran, you'll need to repair that.
Ran: Yeah, I'll call Shion down.
Shion: *falls through the ceiling*
Shion: Hey.

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Mikey: Who is this? It's six in the morning, this better be important.

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Wakasa: Just ask Sanzu if he’s ready for you to come back. The worst he can say is "no".
Takeomi: Yeah, but that would be devastating.

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Taiju, talking to Takemichi and Mikey: What you guys did took guts. I'm impressed.
Takemichi and Mikey: Thanks, Taiju.
Taiju: And such a creative way to tell the world you're dating.

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Shinichiro: *cracks his knuckles*

Y/N: Is that supposed to intimidate me?

Shinichiro: *fingers start glowing like glowsticks*

Y/N: ‘Kay, I’m scared, but that’s rad.

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Emma: I want to be an adult!

Benkei: I assure you, you do not.

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Mikey: You know, I think we should try a non-violent approach to this
Dark Impulses: Agreed. But replace "non" with "extremely"
Dark Impulses Mikey: And after the word "violent" add "Blood Explosion Extraordinaire"

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Rindou, after meeting Sanzu and Angry: Sorry I can’t flirt anymore, I have a crush to stay loyal to.

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Kisaki, to Takemichi: I have feelings for you but I'm not gonna tell you which ones.
Takemichi, internally: What the fuck

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Hanma: Do you want to hear a joke?
Hakkai: No.
Hanma: Yes, you do. Okay, here it goes-

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Y/N: When Wakasa and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

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Rindou: Do you truly believe in things like yetis and chipa-, cab-, cabras--

Mochi: Chupacabras

Ran: Abracadabra

Shion: El cupacabra, the goat sucker. Yes. Very unsolved.

Wakasa: I've met a few goat suckers in my time.

Benkei: I think we might be getting off-topic.

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Chonbo: Baji, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn’t you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Baji: I did! A penis one!

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Ryusei: If I was sick, could I do this?

Baji: What are you doing?

Ryusei: Carthweels. Am I not doing them?

Chifuyu: No!

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Kisaki: You know what? I'm tired of being accused of shit I didn’t do. When I could be accused of shit I did do!
Kisaki: Don’t ask for specifics.

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Hina, looking at Takemichi: I'm tired of these constant near-death experiences

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Izana, pointing at Mana: This child has the uncanny ability to make comments that exacerbate your insecurities

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Kazutora, to Hina: Go out there and slay!

Kazutora, after touching the wall which opened to show a wall full of all types of weapons: Here are some murder weapons if you want

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Ran: Would you kiss me for 100 bucks?
Mitsuya: Why?
Ran: Just curious.
Mitsuya: Um, sure.
Ran, slamming £100 on the table: Wow, would you look at that.

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Y/N: I love you, commander!

Mikey: And I love you, random gang member.

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Ran: I love you!

Izana: I’d prefer if you didn’t.

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Baji: Son of a bitch.
Takeomi: You better watch that mouth of yours.
Baji: But it's not a bad word. It's an expression.
Takeomi: Who told you that?
Baji: Wakasa.
Takeomi, under his breath: Son of a bitch.

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Ran: Just know that emotionally I’m wearing a pink crop top with a rhinestone playboy bunny on it

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Mucho: You want me to flex and make all the buttons pop off my shirt?
Smiley: Yes! You can do that?
Mucho: The challenge is keeping the buttons on.

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Benkei: You could fit on my lap! *pats Wakasa on the head*
Wakasa: I've killed.

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Inui: Have you come to help?
Takeomi, watching the battle: Even better. I’ve come to watch.
Senju: That’s not better.
Takeomi: Oh, I’m sorry, I meant better for me. It’s a lot better for me.

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Sanzu: I’ve killed people.

Hanma: Same!

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Shinichiro: I think I have a crush on Takeomi.
Emma: Congratulations, you're the officially the last to know.

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Koko: Remember ladies, when you get married, a dual income is better than a single one, so make sure your man has two jobs! 

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*Senju sits Kazutora down with a look of glee*

Kazutora: What are you up to, Sen?

Senju: You’ll find out soon, honey cake

*Senju takes a seat on Kazutora’s lap and pulls out a small hand knit footie*

Senju: Surprise!

Kazutora: You’re—?!? I’m gonna be a—?!

*Senju nods and pulls Kazutora into an onslaught of kisses and giggles*

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Rindou: -and I told him we are not friends

Hanma: How could you! You bastards, piece of shit, son of a-

Rindou: You don't even know whom I am talking about!

Hanma: Doesn't matter. Someone told me the same things but is my tiger & I can't call him names. So you'll have to hear my rant, Haitani

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Shion: It’s about time I contributed to the online discourse
Shion: Bricks are domesticated rocks

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Mikey, as he falls: Ah, gravity. That motherfucker.

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Hina: Tora, please STOP leaving your panties on the stairs!

Kazutora: Ugh! You KNOW I hate that word!

Takemichi, tired: Well too bad! STAIRS! STAIRS! STAIRS!



Hina: He meant the word panties, Michi


Takemichi: Well, now I'm embarrassed

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Mikey: What the hell are you doing?
Dark Impulses: I'm Dark Impulses-ing this plan!
Mikey: What?! No, no, uh-uh! You're not turning yourself into a verb, I won't allow it!

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Mitsuya, to Toman: Hello, guys! Today we're talking about some gods and goddesses in ancient mythology!

Mitsuya, pointing to an image of Poseidon: The god of the sea!

Mitsuya, pointing to an image of Athena: The goddess of wisdom!

Mitsuya, pointing to Apolo: The god of prophecy!

Mitsuya, pointing to an image of Baji: The god of chaos!

Mitsuya: ...

Mitsuya, sighing: I feel like we all should've seen that one coming

Mitsuya: Who changed the image of Eris to one of Baji?

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Wakasa, shocked: Did you just called me a baboon?



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Takemichi, looking at their reflection: Now, that's rubbish. Who's that supposed to be?
Akkun: Well, that's you.
Takemichi: Me?! Is that what I look like?
Takuya: You don't know?
Takemichi: Busy day.

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Mikey: Hina’s gonna kill me.

Chifuyu: No, she'll probably make me do it.

Chifuyu: Which I would be glad to do.

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Kazutora: It has been brought to Tora’s attention that he is not universally adored.

Kazutora: This one wishes those of you who dissent from the adoration would just hear him out, see things his way, then give him unconditional love to fill the bottomless well of insecurity inside his heart.

Kazutora: This one doesn’t ask for much!

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Kisaki: Sometimes it blows my mind that there are people that don’t wear glasses/contacts. Like they can literally see with no aid. Like they wake up and just be out here seeing. What a wild concept.

Kisaki: And people say stuff like ‘don’t you hate it when you look up in the middle of the night and see a spider on your ceiling’ like bitch I could have Slenderman hanging from my ceiling fan and I would be none the wiser. 

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Mikey: I gotta run. Shinichiro wants to see me before work.
Emma: About what?
Mikey: Uh, my schedule and my attitude, not necessarily that order. His words.

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Kazutora: “I can make him better” this “I can make him worse” that, listen I have a knife I can make him dead

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Mikey, in shock: I did it

Takemichi, in shock and dying: You did it...

Everyone else in the fight, in shock and crying: He did it...

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South: *slams door*
Hina: Meeting with the gang?
South: *nods*
Yuzuha: Are we shit talking?
South: We are
Hina and Yuzuha: *happy gasp*

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Stranger: You guys are such a cute family! 
*Izana setting Mikey on fire*
Emma, unfazed: Thank you.

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Naoto: At what age do you just accept that your life is a rotten piece of garbage and always will be?
Takemichi: Twenty six.

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Wakasa & Shion: *having a serious conversation about death*
Wakasa: I know it's sad, but death is a natural part of life. By the time I finish this sentence, thousands of people all over the galaxy will have died.

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Mochi: I love the term “found family” because it can mean anything from “over the course of our epic adventure, we gradually came to realize we had found the loving home and family we were all searching for in each other...”

Mochi, looking at Tenjiku: To “I woke up in the same dumpster as this troupe of idiots who immediately forcibly inserted themselves into my life despite my loud, repeated objections and increased the amount of problems in it by 200% and it hasn’t even been a week, but I’m already prepared to die for every single one of them without a moment’s hesitation.”

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Kazutora, to Chifuyu: My biggest fear is that eventually you'll see me the way I see myself. 

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Baji: I think making sense is optional, sometimes I just be talking

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Angry: We take stuffed animals very seriously in this house

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Kazutora: I hate it when people ask me to 'explain my thought process' like hell if I know

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Takemichi: Okay okay okay I just have to make sure… are you asking me in a platonic or romantic way?

Chifuyu: *On one knee, holding an open ring box*

Chifuyu: You did not just fucking ask me that

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Mikey: It’s almost halloween! Quick Michi, tell me a scary story.

Takemichi: A life without me in it.


Hina, walking in: Hey guys- why is Mikey crying?

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Shinichiro: I’m getting worried about how many nightmares you’ve been having. 

Takeomi: It’s okay. My nightmares are usually about losing you, but I’m okay once I realize you’re here. 

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Ran: And to what do I owe this surprise visit?

Senju: Well my place doesn’t have facial recognition software, or gummy worms.

Ran: Yeah, that's how I lure in the ladies.

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Yuzuha: *pulls Inui and Koko close* Mine.

Inui and Koko: *pause, then nodding in agreement and shrugging* Basically.

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Hakkai: The worst thing about meeting new people is that they are new.
Hakkai: And they are people.
Hakkai: And you are meeting them.

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Sanzu: Hey, I’m going to McDonald’s you guys want anything? 

Hanma: I want Kisaki to be alive 

Mitsuya: I want my friends and their mental health back

Takemichi: I want everyone to be happy

Mikey: I want my siblings and friends to be alive and happy

Shinichiro: I want Mikey to be happy and never see him suffer again


Sanzu: I have like $12

*later, in heaven and hell*

Sanzu: Hurry the fuck up!

Shinichiro: Haruchiyo?!

Sanzu: Yes, now fucking harry up since 12$ don't give much time for the doors of hell/heaven to be open.

Baji: I always knew you had dealing with the devil!

Sanzu: Whatever, just move!

*all of the dead people just leave and go back to being alive*

Sanzu, pouting as everyone reunites: ...Now I don't have money for my McDonalds...

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Babe! Be real with me. If I were a plain little rock on a beach would you pick me up and turn me over in your hand and marvel over how wonderfully ordinary I am. Like really take the time to ponder how there isn't necessarily anything special about me but that the very deed of choosing me out of countless other rocks raises me to a precious, almost sacred level of irreplaceability that is only accessible through the act of being seen and loved?
Ryusei, trying to take out a small piece of lettuce from between his teeth: Ummmm, yah I think so

Chapter Text

Hina: What the fuck happened to you?!

Takemichi: I can’t tell you.

Hina: What?! Why not?!

Takemichi: Because I really don’t want you to go to jail for murder.

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Mikey: All of these diets out here promising they’ll give you your “dream body”
Mikey: But I’ve talked to my dietitian and not one of them will make me six inches taller and buff as hell with functioning angel wings, sharp teeth, and a devastating smirk
Mikey: So frankly? It’s just false advertising

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Taiju: You can’t just fall in love with every girl you ever lay eyes on.

Yuzuha: Mind your heterosexual business. 

Taiju: ...I'm bisexual

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Draken: What's your costume this year, Takashi?

Mitsuya: I'm a member of the Mad Scientist Ethics Board, which makes sure that a project is sufficiently unethical before providing funding.

Mitsuya: Sometimes we get a normal scientist trying to apply with a regular invention that just has a puppy shredder attached to it with hot glue or tape.

Mitsuya: You'd think they'd be disqualified for that but trying to cheat the system to get research funding actually adds a lot of unethical points.

Draken: I love it.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: How did you know I was here?

Hina: There’s a tracking spell in your necklace.

Takemichi: A tracking spell?!

Hina: Oh, don’t give me that look, you’ve snuck out and gone missing three times this month, and been kidnapped twice. What else was I supposed to do?

Chapter Text

Benkei: Once you realise that you don’t need a special occasion to buy a cake, the second part of your life begins.

Chapter Text

*Yamagishi accidentally bumps into a door*

Senju: Are you okay?

Yamagishi: I'm fine

Senju, to the door: You stand in Yamagishi's way one more time and I'll make sure to take you down

Chapter Text

Shion: So what brings you down here this beautiful morning?
Mucho: It’s raining.
Shion: That’s liquid sunshine, mi amigo!

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Smiley: I know I’ve been talking about Yuzuha non-stop but another thing I love about her is that she just gets me.

Angry: Can she come get you right now?

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South: Look at my face.

Draken: Okay?

South: No no, keep looking.

Draken: I am looking!

South: No you're not, look harder.

Draken: Is there a point to this?

South: Yes. So look as hard as you can. Focus on every part on my face.

Draken: Alright!! I am!!

South: Now...does it look like I give a shit?

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Kisaki: If at first you don't succeed, it's only ATTEMPTED murder.

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Benkei: '...This is why I shouldn't have agreed to be part of any gangs after the Black Dragons'

Taiju: 'What the fuck?! I came here to fight not to hear this story that makes and doesn't make any sense! You better pay me for having to deal with this, Mitsuya Takasa!'

Mitsuya: 'Hmm, did Draken know about this? Or at least Takemichi's part...'

Ran: 'Did I just wake up for this? I can't even tell if this is a real story or not...'

Rindou: '...This would be an interesting plot for a book or anime'

Shion: 'This is so confusing...but where is Kakuchou? Wasn't he fighting Hanagaki before?'

Mizo Middle Gang: 'This makes much more sense than Takemichi having been abducted by aliens...'

Pah-chin: '...If this is true then why did Mikey came to the fight? I mean, if these dark impulses are a curse how does fighting gets rid of it?'

Sanzu: 'Motherfucker! He told me not to tell anyone and he goes tell the fuck did he tell Wakasa if he basically died just a little time after I talked with him? Was Wakasa spying on Shin-nii? ...I should get an ouija to ask Shin-nii about it and also talk with Emma about what shampoo she thinks is better for my hair...'

Chapter Text

Inui: Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Takeomi: What engagement present?
Inui: Draken gave me a bracelet.
Takeomi: *takes it and inspects the stones* Hey, these are real diamonds!
Inui: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiancé is a bum?

Chapter Text

Kisaki: You know, at first, I didn't understand how two people as different as Hanma and Ran could become best friends. But now I understand why: they're both idiots. 

Chapter Text

Sanzu/Senju/Mikey: Turning off my gender to conserve energy.

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Emma: Hey, Hina! Nice Halloween costume.

Hina, covered in blood: …It’s Halloween?

Emma: Wait-

Chapter Text

Y/N: Grandpa Shuji doesn't have a weakness, remember?
Kazutora, passing by, muttering: Wrong, he has the weakness of any tyrant: inflated ego.
Y/N: Oh, so that makes Grandpa Shuji a tyrant.

Chapter Text

Angry: Why do you turn everything into a joke?
Y/N: Generally, it's to avoid confronting the very real and difficult issues that most functional humans have to deal with

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, drunk as fuck and muttering against Takemichi's lips: I want to make sweet love to you right here, right now
Hina, who has a drunk Kazutora curled in her lap sleeping: I really wish you wouldn't.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Please tell me you guys found the homeless men.
Takeomi, who is in Shinichiro's body: *scowling* You could say that.
Shinichiro, who is in Takeomi's body: Oh, Wakasa! You're never gonna guess what happ-! *trips down an entire flight of stairs*
Wakasa: No, I feel pretty caught up.

Chapter Text

Takuya: Hold your horses, Kaku-chan. Hold them tight. Cherish them.
Kakuchou: What?
Takuya: I don’t know, I haven’t eaten today.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I'll pound a monster at 9pm and then wonder why I can never sleep at night.


Wakasa: Wait! I meant the drink! Like I.M--

Ran: Thirsty? Was that it??

Rindou: Thirsty and needing to pound a monster to slake that thirst??

Wakasa, glaring at them:

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Kiss us if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs aren’t extinct.

Kisaki: Technically, you’d be right, because birds are descended from dinosaurs, and if we’re open with our definition of “dinosaur”, they could count.

Hina: ...

Takemichi: ...

Hina: Just kiss us, smartass.

Chapter Text

Baji: You Sanos have...a tendency to overreact.
Emma, slamming her hands in the table: Overreact? Us? How dare you?
Shinichiro, falling to the ground, hand on his chest: How VERY dare you, Keisuke?! You are on my revenge list for this
Mikey: I can't believe you'd say this!
Mikey: *runs off*

Chapter Text

Wakasa: What's that?


Wakasa: Sorry, I just thought somebody that was above the average national height said something.

Benkei: ?

Wakasa: You're disgusting, Red Wall.

Wakasa: Shrink!

Chapter Text

Baji/Kazutora: *steals the bike and runs*

Shinichiro, who just arrived and saw them run away with the bike: AT LEAST RIDE IT YOU IDIOTS!

Chapter Text

*Shion and Ran meeting up after 12 years*
Shion: Ran! Is that you???
Ran: Yeah! Hi!
Shion: You look like crap.

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Takemichi: And everyone has something. Something that makes them special. Maybe not something that's important to you, but it's still important. Every life has value.
Hasegawa: Except for yours.
Takemichi: I...
Hasegawa: And the looters. And the opportunists selling bottled water for vastly inflated prices. 
Hasegawa: I have made a point to threaten them. Not fatally, merely to the point where they soil themselves.
Takemichi, sighing: Why don't we quit while we're ahead.

Chapter Text

Emma: I’m getting a husband

Peh-yan: Really? That’s great–

Emma, slamming a marriage certificate on the table: It’s you, sign here

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Hanma: I can find about seven uses for a cadaver TODAY.

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Chifuyu: Gay sex will not fix this situation. Honestly, it'd probably make it worse.

Chifuyu, turning to Baji: That being said I think we should give it a shot anyway...Baji-san.

Chapter Text

Draken, trying to fix something: Hey, can someone give me a hand?
Angry: *immediately goes to hold his hand*
Draken: You’re cute but that’s not what I meant.
Angry: Okay, but then why are you still holding my hand?
Draken: You got me.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Don’t fraternize with this creature. I am still training them.
Senju: It’s only a parrot!
Sanzu: I was talking to the parrot.

Chapter Text

Senju: Fine, but if we die, I'm going to get Baji's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute, so I can annoy the hell of your ghost.
Mikey: I'll just hire Sanzu's ghost to kick your ghost's ass.
Sanzu: My ghost won't associate with your ghost.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Date someone who forgives you for your past.

Takeomi: Date a boy who disregards your gambling addiction.

Senju: Date a girl who was your accomplice in creating chaos.

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Izana: Let’s write Shion a friendly note, shall we? Dear...Incompetent...Dumbass...

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Yuzuha: Do you like girls with long hair?

Senju: Or short hair?

Inui: Men.

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Akkun: What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave, and her name was Mozzarella? 
Takuya: Don't ever speak to me again.

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Shinichiro: What situation is not instantly improved by the addition of fishnets, I ask you?
Inui: Being a fish. 
Shinichiro: Well, shit. 

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Kazutora: Rindou saved my life that evening, Michi. Twice.
Rindou, blushing slightly: Once and a half.
Takemichi: How do you half save someone's life?!?!?
Rindou: I was the one that was sent to kill him, so I figured it's only fair to count that as half.
Takemichi: Oh, it actually makes sense when you put it like that.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Haruchiyo is suspicious. And I, for one, do not want to wake up dead.
Takeomi, sighing: I can’t believe I have to say this again: you cannot wake up and be dead.

Chapter Text

Sano Makoto: We have a little family business to discuss...

Shinichiro: Is Mom pregnant?

Sakurako: No!

Shinichiro: Are we getting a kitty?

Sakurako: No...

Shinichiro, with a shrug: I'm not sure I care.

Chapter Text

Emma: Mikey's love language is touch.

Hina, rolling her shoulder to ready a punch: Ya don't say...

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Is everything alright?
Yuzuha: Everything's fine, babe
Mitsuya: Did you just call me "babe"?
Yuzuha: Can I call you that?
Mitsuya: You can call me whatever you'd like
Yuzuha: Alright, Lightning McQueen
Mitsuya: I hate you
Yuzuha: No, you don't 
Mitsuya, sighing: No, I don't

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You lied to me!
Kisaki: Let's say I was saving the truth.

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Mahiru: Why do grown-ups do this? They stick two random kids together and expect them to just be friends.

Y/N, slightly annoyed: That's because they're friends, so they want us to be friends too.

Mahiru: I don't think Matilda would be friends with Lisa Frank.

Y/N: Just like the Fonz wouldn't be friends with Kevin and Winnie...

Mahiru: Is Uncle Mikey the Fonz, and Mom and Dad are Kevin and Winnie?

Y/N: Yeah, and they're friends. 

Chapter Text

Hanma: Life tip, whatever dumbass name you get Siri to call you is what your iPhone automatically signs your emails as.
Hanma: I have been applying to jobs for the last 2 months as "Tetta's Reaper"
Baji: Oh god *turns phone around to reveal his email signature, "Baji" with "Peyoung Yakisoba Fucker 8000" written underneath it*

Chapter Text

Baji: You were wanting to kiss me all night?
Kazutora: Yes
Baji: Even when you were yelling at me?
Kazutora: Yeah, then too
Baji: So is this some sort of recent new development in your life?
Kazutora: Wanting to kiss you? No. It's sort of always been there. Like white noise

Chapter Text

Ryusei: God, you wanna fuck me so bad it must hurt, huh?
Chifuyu: I'm gonna fuck you so bad it'll hurt
Ryusei, stunned: I don't think that came out the way you meant it, but yes please and thank you

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Kids these days are such wimps
Y/N: It's not our fault that back in your day you had to know how to defend yourselves from dinosaurs, dad
Wakasa: ...How old do you think I am?!?!

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Wakasa: I think I’m hallucinating, because I’m pretty sure I just heard your biceps mocking me.
Benkei: No, that’s possible. My biceps mock a lot of people.

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Angry: ...Did that doll just move?

Takuya: For my own peace of mind, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that question.

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Baji: Having fangs may not be a ‘necessary’ or ‘wise’ addition to my physiology but it would be very, very sexy and therefore I think I deserve them regardless
Ryusei: I think that they would be useful
Ryusei: For like opening sauce packets and such

Chapter Text

Hakkai, to Mitsuya: Sorry I started acting like a skittish horse as soon as I realized you were flirting with will happen again

Chapter Text

Izana: I learned a joke at school.
Wakasa: Ok let’s hear it.
Izana: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Wakasa: Is it a-
Benkei, running in from other room: SPAGHETTI! IT’S SPAGHETTI!!

Chapter Text

Mucho: Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?
Shion: They never really stop.

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Pah-chin: Wow, are you two twins?
Sanzu: Oh, certainly not. She’s just my stunt double.
Senju: HEY- 

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Smiley: Good morning everyone! You guys have a wonderful day today!
Peh-yan: That sounds sinister and threatening.
Smiley: Then have a horrible day, damn.

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Takeomi: I lost Haruchiyo's pet frog last week

Shin, the frog: Gay gay homosexual gay

Takeomi: Sometimes I can still hear his voice

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Sanzu: With is without out but without is with out

Wakasa, who was ordered to babysit: *sighs* Oh will the great gods have mercy upon my soul

Sanzu: That means-

Wakasa: I swear to the highest power if you utter another word I will call Takeomi

Sanzu: *stays silent*

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Taiju: Trick or yeet?
Hakkai: Yeet?
Taiju: *throws Hakkai*

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Takemichi: I am a nice person I think.
Taiju: What the fuck? Of course you are-
Takemichi: BUT.
Takemichi: I think that I'll start throwing rocks at people that are mean to me.
Taiju: Marry me.

Chapter Text

Ran: I love it when South tell me the football score

Mochi: Don't you hate football?

Mucho: Do you even know what the score means?

Ran: Not a clue. It's hilarious

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Sanzu: *writing a death threat and dotting all the i's with hearts*

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*during exams season*
Benkei: So what’s your plan?
Shinichiro: First, I’m gonna cry. I hope something good will come out of that.

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*Izana and Mikey arguing*
Emma: Boys! Boys! There is no need to fight! I don’t have a favorite brother!
Izana: Why the hell not!?!

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Hina: I’m sorry Takemichi, but once your ‘would go gay for’ list exceeds five people, you’re bi. Get over it.