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everything that didn’t kill me (and the one thing that did)

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Wild wasn’t ashamed of his scars, at least not usually.

Some days, they were a mark of his failure. Other days, they were a mark of his survival. But on all days, they tended to garner some curious looks from strangers. At least in his own Hyrule, the scars weren’t that odd. Everyone had scars of some sort. It was stranger not to have them.

However, the same couldn’t be said for the rest of the Chain’s Hyrules.

Wild took to hiding his scars in the depths of his hood, not because he was embarrassed, but because explanations were awkward and painful. It wasn’t exactly easy to say: “Oh, yeah I got these scars when I died to some robotic death lasers.” But even still, the hood was only a temporary solution. 

While Wild could escape the stares of utter strangers, the same could not be said for his previous incarnations. He didn’t blame them for being curious, and they didn’t ask directly, but he could see the question in their eyes. He didn’t want their pity, but fully explaining that he had died caused his skin to crawl.

So, in true fashion, when asked the question: “How did you get those scars?” Wild decided to own them.

He’d gotten his scars when he died, but there were also plenty of times where he only nearly died. So… why not make use of that? What fun was being a gremlin or near death experiences if you couldn’t freak people out with it? It was perfectly believable to say his scars were from, perhaps, that time he tried (and failed) to ride a lynel, right?

1. “I set the forest on fire. It set me on fire back.”

The first time the Question was asked, it wasn’t actually by the Chain.

It was their first week all together, and they were resting for the night in Twilight’s home of Ordon. The village children were understandably curious at this large group of armed travellers, each one odder than the last. Eventually, their eyes alighted on Wild, where the Cook was serving dinner. 

“How’d you get those scars?” 

The Chain flinched at the blunt question. Twilight opened his mouth to reprimand the asker, but was cut off by Wild’s chuckle. 

“I set the forest on fire. It set me on fire back.” 

One of the children scrunched up their nose. “The forest can’t do that!”

“Yeah, it can!” Another child protested, then looked at Wild. “Was it ‘cause you made the forest angry? Pa says there are spirits there and they get mad if ya hurt the trees.”

Wild shrugged. “Satori hasn’t killed me yet.”

After Twilight had reprimanded the kids and shooed them away, he sent Wild an apologetic look. “Sorry about that, I get that it might be a sensitive subject.”

“They’re just curious,” Wild shrugged. After a moment, a sly grin tugged at the aforementioned scars, eyes glittering with mischief. “Besides, I didn’t necessarily say that was an answer to their question.”

“Wait… so did you actually get those scars because of a forest fire?” Wind asked, head tilted in confusion.

Wild smirked. “Keep asking, maybe someday you’ll find out.”

2. “They gave an infinite supply of bombs.”

Link maintains that everything that happened in the Bomb Shrine was not his fault. The Monk and the Slate had been very unclear when it came to detailed exactly how the bombs worked, as well as the fact that there was apparently a minimum safe distance for explosives. How was Link supposed to know that that was the "detonate" button and not the "banishment" button?! It wasn't like the thing came with instructions!

Link also declared that everything that happened after the obtaining the Bomb Rune was also not his fault. He only blew himself up on purpose four — no… five! — times. No, the rest of that trail of destruction was entirely accidental. 

He swears.

"Hey, Wild?" At Wind's voice, Wild glanced up to look at the Sailor's teasing grin. "How'd you get those scars?"

It was a familiar joking question at this point. After Wild had indicated he didn't mind being asked about his scars, and, more than that, changed his answer every time, it had become a game to see what answer Wild would give this time. There was also a betting pool on how many of his supposed 'answers' he actually did. The number was uncomfortably high. 

"Well," Wild drawled, a ghost of a smirk on his face. "The Sheikah Monks gave me an infinite supply of bombs, what did they think was going to happen?"  

"You have an infinite supply of bombs?!" 

Legend's shriek was only drowned out by Twilight protesting: "Who thought that was a good idea!?"

3. “I crashed my motorcycle.”

“What’s a motorcycle?” Four asked, head tilting at the unfamiliar word.

Wild’s answering grin was demonic. “I’m so glad you asked.”

Several minutes later saw the Chain chasing after Wild and Four where they had disappeared into the underbrush, following the roar of the motorcycle’s engine. 

“Didn’t he say he crashed that thing?!” yelled Warriors in panic.

4. “Beamos hats, a thirty second fashion craze.”

Link had been curious as to what the strange laser boxes — Beamos, the Slate called them — in the Shrines were. At one point, he got one loose from its stand and carried it out of the Shrine with him, intent on showing it to Purah. However, when he tried to put it in his Slate, it refused to go in the inventory, something about “ERROR: TECHNOLOGICAL INCOMPATIBILITY. SUBSTANCE WOULD BE DANGEROUS TO DEVICE INTEGRITY.”

Shrugging, Link picked up the still active laser box and balanced it on his head as a hat, intent on heading to Purah’s. His quest was rather abruptly ended when a bokoblin ambushed him and he found out what lasers combined with laser-box shrapnel was like.

He decided that Purah could go without the laser box.

5. “I rode a bear and the bear did not like that.”

“A bear wouldn’t give you scars like that,” Warriors protested, because weren’t bears supposed to give you bite or claw marks?

“How do you know? Maybe my Hyrule has bears that can cause scars like this.”

“Why were you riding a bear?” Hyrule asked, who was the other member of the Chain familiar with bears. In his experience, they tended to not react well when you tried to ride them. It was usually more trouble than it was worth.

“Why not?” Wild countered, to which Hyrule paused, then gave a shrug. 

“Fair enough.”

“Do not ride the bears, Wild,” Time told the Champion, because apparently he was supposed to appear to be a Responsible Adult™. Responsible Adults™ told their charges not to ride bears.

A few days later, Wild rode into camp on the back of a grizzly, scaring several years of Twilight’s lifespan in the process. When the Chain demanded why he saw it necessary to ride the bear into camp, Wild shrugged and said: “There were no stalhorses, and a bear was faster.”

Despite their objections, Wild kept his bear. During their next battle, the Champion rode his carnivorous furry steed into battle. At some point, the Chain ended up on the sidelines, watching Wild cheer on his bear as it tore through the monsters’ ranks. The bear stood on its hind legs and roared, and the monsters fled. 

Okay, perhaps there was merit to riding a bear into battle.

6. “I was paragliding in a thunderstorm.”

Sky winced, rubbing at his arm. “I had to go flying on Crimson in a thunderhead once. Never again.”

“At least we aren’t grounded at the time,” Wild agreed, continuing. “That’s the absolute worst. At least the lightning just goes straight through. Still messes everything up, but it hurts a little less.”

“Unless you’re falling, in which case…” 

“Oh, good point.”

The rest of the Chain was very concerned.

7. “I didn’t give Beedle his beetle.”

“Why would Beedle give you your scars?” Sky asked, since he had a Beedle of his own. “That doesn’t seem like him.”

“He put out a hit on me,” Wild stated tonelessly. “Got someone — who ended up being a Yiga, mind you — to steal it. He really likes those things.”


“Won’t you give me that energetic rhino beetle?!” 

Link shrugged. “Eh, not this time. I want to use it in some elixirs.”

"B-but… but this is such a good deal…” Beedle’s face sagged and he looked close to tears. “And that beetle really wants to be with me. I just don't understand your thought process here..." 

Link offered a different bug species, but Beedle refused to take it. Link felt bad, but he really did need the energetic rhino beetles for some elixirs. He could give the next one to Beedle! That ought to appease the man. 

“No, I'll hire someone to do it for me. No need to get my hands dirty… Hehehehehe…" 

Link blinked, looking up from putting his new arrows in his Slate. “Did you say something?”

Beedle jumped. “Oh, you're still here? I thought you left. Uh, well let me know if you change your mind!"

Shrugging, Link waved goodbye. He didn’t think much of it until later that night, when he dodged a Yiga sickle that was trying to separate his head from his neck. However, unlike the usual assassination attempts, this one was decidely… stranger.

“For the Beetle!” the Yiga declared, and Link blinked.

“Don’t you mean for Kohga?”

“That too,” the Yiga said. “But this time I do mean, ‘For the Beetle’. I was hired to steal your beetles, but I can still do that if you're dead!”

Link decided that next time, he’d just give Beedle the beetle.

“I can’t imagine you bought from him again,” Warriors growled. “Traitor.”

“Of course I did!” Wild objected. “Why wouldn’t I? He’s about the only reliable source for arrows if you’re on the road. I always buy from Beedle, I just make sure to give him the bug every time.”

8. "I got frustrated so I attacked the Apparatus in a Shrine and then it attacked me back."

“What’s an Apparatus?”

“It’s this godsdamned annoying thing in the Shrines that requires me to use the Slate’s motion controls to move it around, and I hate it because I have to move the Slate in really weird ways, it’s very unresponsive, and I’d much rather climb over the wall or blow the entire thing to Calamity come.”

“So anyways I tried to blow it up, really I did, and then the damned thing came back and hit me and so I threw more bombs and it and guess what! Apparently I broke something because it went haywire and I still haven’t completed that damned Shrine and I’m tempted to trap the Calamity in that thing because nothing can escape that—” 

Wild’s rant continued for a good ten minutes before they could calm him down enough to point out that dinner was burning.

9. “I rode a lynel. Enough said.”

It was, in fact, enough said.

10. “Went swimming in malice, would not recommend.”

The first few times, it was accidental.

Link did actually have quite a few malice burns, and arguably, the scars that dominated the left half of his body were only so bad due to malice. He’d already had major wounds due to the Guardian’s lasers when he died, but then the malice had managed to get into them. It was one of the reasons the Shrine of Resurrection had taken such a long time to heal him, because the malice kept setting his healing back and eating away at him like acid. 

After he’d woken up, Link unfortunately had several more run ins with the stuff. Usually, it was smaller splashes as he’d hacked away at the Blights, but there were a few accidental dips in malice pools. 

It was just as painful and acidic as he didn’t remember. Luckily for him, Mipha’s was able to work her magic after he’d scraped most of the stuff off. 

But then Link got an idea.

With Purah holding the timer, Link tried to see if malice exposure therapy worked. He jumped in the nearest pool of malice and found that, unfortunately, malice did not work by Mithridates Rules. He could practically hear Mipha screeching at him from the afterlife as her Grace swirled around him and his burns dissolved.

11. “Played keep away with a Stalnox for its eye, so it sat on me.”

“Sat on you?” Wind eyed Wild curiously. “Exactly how big is a Stalnox?”

“It’s a Stal Hinox,” Wild explained. “So… big. Did you know they’ll take out their own ribs to hit you with?”

“I didn’t but I do now,” Legend muttered. 

12. “I tried to ride the dragon spirit, Naydra. Honestly, it wasn’t like there was a sign: ‘best admired from a distance!’”

After Link had freed the dragon from Ganon’s malice, he’d frequently gone back to visit the spirit. This specific time, he’d free climbed up Mount Lanayru again to watch the sun rise. As he’d surveyed the valley below, he’d noticed Naydra winding its way up through the snowfield. 

The three dragon spirits were one of his favorite things in Hyrule. He loved to watch their majestic bodies twisting through the air, like ribbons in the breeze. The spirits may have been nearly as large as the Calamity itself, but they were utterly peaceful and the air practically sang with their presence.

Yet, Link didn’t usually manage to get close to them.

“I wonder…” Link muttered, eyeing his paraglider. Decision made, he grabbed the wood and canvas frame and took a running leap off the cliff side, sailing towards the dragon.

It took some careful maneuvering, especially with the wind that followed all three spirits, but Link managed to position himself. When Naydra flew under him, scales clicking and shifting like a chorus of reeds, Link dropped onto the dragon’s back.

Hours later, was still shivering despite the five blankets wrapped around him and the several mugs of hot tea he’d consumed. 

“Betrayal,” Link sneezed. “So unfair. Why can’t I ride the dragons?!”

13. “I got eaten by a chuchu.”

“How’d you manage that?”

“I was still early in my amnesia, and this was my first time encountering one of the bigger ones. The little ones had been more squishy and cute than anything, so I decided to just… try poking it…

“It swallowed me.”

14. “I learned that a live electric current does, in fact, hurt.”

“You didn’t know this?” Time asked, brow furrowed in concern.

“Nope. Amnesia, remember?”

Wild grinned at his own pun, then continued, waving a hand. “Some of the Shrines had this electricity component, where the current would run through wiring to power something. I, having not been exposed to lightning or any electric safety measures, decided to touch it.”

“How are you not dead?” Legend asked.

“Bold of you to presume I haven’t died.”

15. “Central Hyrule Tower.”

The rest of the Chain, who by this point were familiar with what the Sheikah Towers were, gave Wild a confused glance. “One of your towers attacked you?” Hyrule asked. He honestly wouldn’t have been surprised. Everything seemed to be mechanical in Wild’s homeland, and everything mechanical seemed to want to kill its resident Hero.

Wild see-sawed his hand. “The Tower itself didn’t want to kill me, but everything else in Central Hyrule did. The Tower was strategically placed to make my life painful.”

The first time Link had attempted to scale Central Hyrule Tower, he hadn’t known what he was walking into. He’d been wandering in the direction of the nearest Tower, only to find himself the target of a dozen laser pointers. 

Link’s second attempt at scaling the Central Hyrule Tower involved speed. He got the fastest horse he could find and gunned it. However, trying to guide a speeding horse, shoot down the several Stalkers bearing down on him, and evade the death lasers made for a… bad time to say the least.

On Link’s third try, he came in from the west to avoid the Stalkers that patrolled Central. He actually managed to get to the base of the Tower, only to find himself the target of a half dozen decayed Guardians that managed to get a lock on him no matter where he hid.

The fourth time, Link nearly scaled the Tower through sheer speed, spite, and fear alone. He’d almost reached the top too, except then it started raining and he had to retreat.

The fifth and final time, Link came ready for war. Equipped with his Ancient Armor, several Guardian-specialized weapons, and a dozen Ancient Arrows, he finally managed to add the Hyrule Central Tower to his map. 

16. "I accidentally landed shield-first on a bokoblin and things got weird."

Link was battling against some bokoblins near a ruined watchtower, which wasn’t altogether hard, just more annoying than anything. He recoiled a bit as another arrow struck the wall next to him, sparking against stone. He quickly pulled out his shield, letting the next volley clang against the metal. Right, it was time to take care of that.

Jumping shield-first, Link launched himself off the watchtower, focusing until time had slowed to a standstill. Eyeing the bokoblin archers, he readied himself to nock an arrow when something… strange happened. 

His metal shield rang with an echoing gong, and he glanced down in surprise to see his shield colliding with the back of a bokoblin that had snuck beneath the tower. It was enough to startle Link from his Focus, the world snapping back to real time. 

But things didn’t just speed up to normal, they accelerated

The world warped, moving faster than he could register as he was catapulted into the air. Link blacked out for half a second, leaving his stomach miles behind him. Instinct had Link snapping out his paraglider, and as he flew rapidly away, he could only stare after the watchtower in complete and utter bafflement. 

That had been weird… even for him.

17. “It was my first time with a sand seal and we accidentally ran into a molduga.”

“What’s a molduga?” 

“Er… it’s like a really giant fish that swims in sand,” Wild gestured widely with his hands. “They’ve got big mouths and they hunt by vibration. Anyways this was my first time riding with a sand seal, and I didn’t realize we’d stumbled into a molduga’s territory until it was bearing down on us.”

“What’d you do?” Wind asked, eyes bright as he leaned forward. The Sailor was always eager for a story.

“Well it kinda… uh… ate me?” Wild sheepishly rubbed a hand through his hair, even as the rest of the Chain stared at him in disbelief.

“Ate. You.” Twilight repeated, exhaustion creeping into his voice.

“Yeah,” Wild confirmed. “It was really slimy, but I managed to keep it from swallowing me. I had to hack my way out from inside.”

“Gross,” Wind muttered, his eyes full of stars.

“Wild, how on earth does being swallowed correlate with scars more analogous to burns?” Legend deadpanned, raising an eyebrow at the Champion.

Wild grinned, teeth on full display. “Well now, that’s for you to figure out, isn’t it? I told you the story, you’ve got to put in some effort too! Maybe moldugas breathe fire!”

18. “Assassins.”

“Wait, you too?” Hyrule asked, turning to face Wild. “Mine’s a cult trying to resurrect Ganon using my blood, what about you?”

“Mine are a group of former Sheikah that swore allegiance to the Calamity, call themselves the Yiga. Their goal is to kill me, though their success rate varies. I accidentally killed their leader, so now they’ve got a vendetta against me for that too.” Wild sighed, hanging his head. “Bananas are a cursed fruit.”

“Hold up,” Time looked between the two Heroes. “You both have assassins after you?!”



“And I thought people hated me,” Legend muttered. “Congrats, you managed to achieve something I haven’t. I’ve got a bounty on me but no assassins, dear Gods.”

19. “I didn’t want to hurt the wolves. The wolves wanted to hurt me.”

Link loved the wilds of Hyrule. It was diverse and beautiful, filled with countless flora and fauna. In the north he watched moose and wooly rhinos, in the south he watched crabs skitter over the beach. He often hid and watched the songbirds that perched in the trees, or the lizards that sunned themselves on rocks.

However, not all his wildlife liked him back.

Foxes were skittish, and despite Link’s many attempts they were never interested in the food he left out. Wolves, on the other hand, were a bit more aggressive. The first time Link got close to wolves was accidental. He’d been trekking through the woods in his stealth armor and stumbled onto the pack. 

The wolves hadn’t noticed him yet, so Link retreated a few steps, pausing at the treeline. A few of the smaller wolves — cubs, Link would guess — tussled together, jaws snapping playfully at each other’s fur. 

“Awwww,” Link murmured, unable to help himself. What could he say? It was one of the cutest things he’d ever seen.

He watched for a few minutes more, when a rustle nearby startled him. He looked over to see a wolf emerging from the brush. There was a brief moment of surprise on both sides, then the wolf snarled, lunging at him.

A while later he trekked back to nearest Stable, and the resident Stablemaster gave him a concerned look. “You alright there Link? You gotta be careful, there’s been some wolf packs around.”

“I know,” Link replied, wincing. “They’re teething.”

20. “I see no reason why that mud should not have been swim-able.”

“But why did you want to swim in mud?” Four asked. 

“Why not?” 

“…You know that’s fair and also completely on brand.”  

21. “Tripped. Unfortunately, I was on top of a mountain at the time so it took a while to finish ragdolling down the side.”

The Chain had been in Wild’s Hyrule at the time, hiking around the Dueling Peaks, when Wind, bored out of his mind, decided to ask the question. 

“Hey Wild,” Wind called, several others of the Chain rolling their eyes at the tone of voice. That voice meant two things: (a) Wind was about to tell somebody there was a bug on them then punch them, or (b) he was about to ask Wild about his scars to see what answer he’d get that time.

Sure enough, it was the latter.

“How’d you get your scars?”

Wild hummed, glancing upwards at the mountain peaks that loomed above them. An unsettling smile stretched across the Champion’s face.

“I tripped,” Wild answered with a shrug. “Unfortunately, I was on top of a mountain at the time so it took a while to finish ragdolling down the side.”

The Chain blinked, and as a whole craned their heads back to look at the Dueling Peaks, whose tips stretched up, up, up to scrape the sky above. The Chain also distinctly remembered Wild saying this was one of the smaller mountains in his Hyrule. From the top? It was a long way down.

“I call bullshit,” Legend argued. “First, that would give you bones of paste, not burn scars. Second, that would kill you thirty times over.”

“Maybe I got a severe friction burn!” 

22. “The Shrine said to call lightning with a sword! I was just following the instructions!”

“Well maybe you were supposed to drop the sword first!” Twilight protested, groaning in frustration as he buried his face in his hands. He uttered a moan that sounded suspiciously like: “Hylia doesn’t pay me enough for this.”

“Hylia doesn’t pay us anything,” Legend muttered.

“Why are you mad at me?” Wild huffed and pointed at Sky. “Sky does it too!”

“Sky has a magic sword,” countered Time. “Yours tend to be corroded metal.”

“Well, I’ve got my rubber armor! It makes me resistant to electricity.”

“Were you wearing it at the time?” 


“Then it doesn’t count.”

23. “Rapid-fire guardian turret.”

“I understand those words individually,” Hyrule muttered.

“Once, so did I,” Wild moaned. “Those were better days.”

Wild had run into a rapid-fire turret once. 

The next time, he just used his ancient arrows on the guardian turrets before they could ever target him.

24. "I got drunk in Gerudo, and then woke up half naked in the remains of a bokoblin camp in Akkala."

Sky inhaled, pressing his palms together and holding his hands to his nose. He pointed them at Wild, in what would have been a perfect recreation of the ‘boi’ meme if it had been invented in Hyrule at the time.

“I have many questions,” Sky said.

“First, you’re not old enough to drink,” Time protested, because he was pretty sure being drunk was something kids weren’t supposed to be. He thought. He didn’t actually know what alcohol was, so he was working off what Malon said was traditional social custom.

“That’s where you're wrong!” Wild declared, pointing at the not-actually-oldest Hero. “I’m 118, so there.”

“Now I have even more questions.” 

25. “Finished a monster camp and broke all my weapons in the process. Then a Blood Moon happened.”

The moblin died with a shriek and the sound of Link’s last weapon shattering into a thousand pieces. Leaning back, Link sighed in relief, exhaustion finally catching up. This monster camp had been a nightmare and a half, but considering it was only a few paces from the road, Link thought it best to take care of the problem before anyone got hurt.

Taking a glance at his inventory, Link winced at the utter lack of weapons. He spent a few minutes grabbing what remaining weapons he could from the camp. It didn’t fill his weapons storage, but at least he wasn’t totally lacking anymore.

Link was so caught up replenishing his cache, that he didn’t notice as the moon bled red. However, he did notice when malice flakes started to curdle through the air. He looked up in horror as the oppressive tide of the Blood Moon swept the camp, malice surging from the ground and the air suddenly coming alive with the shrieks and roars of monsters.

Looking at the dozen moblins surrounding him, eyes glowing with the Calamity’s power, Link scowled.

“That’s it, I’m out.” 

26. "I didn't have enough rupees for the Great Fairy."

The Chain decided it would be wisest to not touch, or even look in the general direction of that particular subject whatsoever.

27. "Went to Death Mountain, got set on fire.”

“Did you run into a fire keese or something?” Warriors asked, but Wild shook his head.

“No, it’s just… hot.”

“It is a volcano,” Time pointed out.

“Well yeah, but just existing there is hot. The air itself will set you on fire. Sometimes it’s too hot for Gorons. My first time there, I didn’t realize you needed fire elixirs so I tried scaling the mountain and was just… set on fire.”

“Your Hyrule needs to stop testing the limits of ‘extreme’.”

28. “Thunderblight. Fuck that guy in particular.”

“What he’d do?”

“It. What’d it do. And the answer? Godsdamned everything. It’s fast, electric and it shoots lasers!! It’s like precision engineered to cause me problems! It took me so many tries to kill it, and every time I thought I was getting close, it’d pull something new outta nowhere! If I ever run into it again, I’m putting on the entire ancient armor set, pulling out a blade-saw, and then sticking it full of so many ancient arrows it’ll never see the light of day again!”

Link hated all of the Blights, but Thunderblight held a special place in his heart for “most beloathed.”

The first time Link tried to fight Thunderblight, he was thoroughly unprepared. He’d known it would have to be a formidable foe if it had been able to kill Urbosa a century ago, but even still, he hadn’t expected Thunderblight’s sheer speed. He’d most certainly have died if it wasn’t for his ability to slow time. He’d had to make a hasty retreat to avoid dying to the malice creature’s blade.

On his second try, Link had gone with several hasty elixirs, and had managed to wear Thunderblight down. At least he was, until Thunderblight decided to mix up its strategy. When things started getting electrocuted en masse, Link called it and teleported out of there before the lightning bolt could hit him in the face.

The third run was a little better. Link had some electro-elixirs and ancient weapons, and with Mipha’s Grace on hand to heal him whenever the Blight got a strike in, he nearly killed it. Nearly. Things went south when it electrified itself, and it almost killed him in one blow. 

The fourth and final try, Link came back after having found and upgraded the entire rubber armor set, and with the heaviest damage dealing ancient weaponry he could buy from Robbie. He was finally, finally, able to kill the damned thing. When Urbosa’s spirit appeared, striding down the steps, there was a faint smile on her face.

“Good job,” she’d said. The Chieftess passed her power to him, and the Fury roared in his veins. 

29. “I went shield surfing and the shield broke.”

Twilight sighed. “Well, I’m guessing you learned your lesson then?”

“Yep. Always check to make sure your shield is high in durability and free of damage before you surf. The shield-surfers who do it in Central really nailed that one into my head. But, on the plus side, we’ve introduced the sport to Hebra!”

“NO. The lesson is that you don’t shield surf!”

“Come on, Twi! It’s a sport! Everyone breaks their shields now and then.”

“They’re meant for defense! Not slip-&-slides! And you can't shield surf if you don’t have a shield!!”

“And that’s why I got these scars! Keep up will you?”

30. "My lynel mask failed."

When asked what the ‘lynel mask’ was, which for some reason had Time looking supremely uncomfortable, Wild retrieved it from his Slate. “See?” He held up the mask for the Chain to see. “Kilton makes them. They make the monsters think you’re one of them.”

“Okay, you can’t honestly believe that any monster is going to fall for that?” Legend snarked, gesturing to the clearly visible patchwork cloth and seams. It admittedly was fairly obvious that the wearer was not, in fact a lynel, but someone wearing the costume of one.

“I do body movement with it too,” Wild protested, demonstrating with the hunched over and swaying form of a bokoblin. “Besides, if you had no concept of what a mask was, you might fall for it too!”

“The only reason that would happen is that I would be far too weirded out to attempt to engage with you in any way.”

“Still works.” 

31. “The Master Sword drained my life force.”

Sky froze, turning to Wild with a pale expression. “I’m sorry… the what did what?”

“Master Sword, drained my life force,” Wild sighed. He rolled his eyes. “The Deku Tree said it was because I wasn’t strong enough to wield it yet. So like, thanks. How’s draining my life force helping with that?! Tree said it’d have killed me too, if I didn’t let go, so, yeah, great job ‘protecting’ the Hero.”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t—”

“Look, me and the Sword have our own problems. Ours is a working relationship, and it’s ten thousand years out of date for you. No need to worry.”  

32. “Bees.”

“Bees what?”

“Just bees.”

“Is that some strange type of future keese? Or a mutated bug?”

“No. Just… bees.”

33. “I used Stasis to launch a rock and also myself. The ride was great, but I did not think about the landing.”

Wind asked what Stasis was, so Wild unhooked his Slate and demonstrated. “See, I freeze the rock like this,” the Champion tapped the Slate, his eyes taking on a golden shimmer the same color as the chains that suspended themselves around his boulder of choice.

Wild took out a sledgehammer and started to spin, repeatedly slamming his weapon against the rock. Strangely the boulder didn’t move despite this treatment, the only change was the golden aura flaring a deeper red with every strike. 

Finally, Wild stepped back, stowing the hammer and then jumping onto the side of the boulder. The golden aura of the rock began to flare, faster and faster. 

“See? This is what I meaaaaaaa—” 

Wild’s sentence trailed off into the distance as he disappeared along with his boulder. 

“A h. That was what he meant,” Wind nodded, then his face lit up in a grin. “I wanna try.”


34. "Zelda came after me for reading her diary."

Link had just been curious! He’d taken to reading any book he came across during his travels. Many of them offered tips for surviving in the wilds, or mentioned strange rumors or legends that proved to be true. Even though it crawled with monsters, Hyrule Castle had more reading material than anywhere else in the kingdom. 

He’d thought the book was maybe some more advice like that! Zelda had spent her days before the Calamity researching ancient technology, so it made sense she would write it down in a journal. And everyone put personal notes in their workbooks, it wasn’t that strange!

He didn’t realize until he was halfway through that it was Zelda’s diary. And by that point, he was committed! He couldn’t just leave himself on a cliffhanger!

He regretted this rather severely later. 

A few days following his battle with the Calamity, once he and Zelda had both slept and cried and gotten fresh clothes, she paused in what she was doing to stare directly at him. Her eyes flickered with golden light, and Link felt a looming sense of danger wash over him.

“Uh… Zel?”

“You read my diary.”

Link most definitely did not squeak. “Er… no?”

"I told you…” Zelda began, slowly rising to begin stalking towards him. “That I. Saw. EVERYTHING!"

35. “Eventide. Hinox. Thunderstorm. It was a bad time.”

“Considering your track record with electricity and getting eaten by things, I’d say even one of those would be bad,” Warriors commented from his place by the fire.

“You’d be right,” Wild agreed. “First it was electric chuchus, which, as it turns out, create a constant field of ‘shock me’ during a lightning storm. Then there was the Hinox, which decided now was a great time to join the party of ‘squish Wild’.”

“Your luck with island storms is as bad as mine,” said Legend.

Link had been making good progress whittling down the Hinox’s health. He was throwing bombs from the relative safety behind some trees, out of sight of the giant ogre creature. Since he lacked arrows of any kind, it was the best alternative he could think of for killing it and getting its orb.

It had even begun to sway from the repeated blasts, close to toppling or falling unconscious. At least, until the thunderstorm rolled in.

Link didn’t even have any metal on him this time, but the lightning still found its way to him. With an almighty BOOM that shook the ground, the palm he’d hidden behind exploded into a shower of splinters and flame. The tree toppled to the ground, and Link was left staring up into the hungry, gleaming, orange eye of the Hinox.

36. “Don’t trust the cuccos.”

Most of the Chain shuddered, their own nightmares coming back to haunt them.

“Don’t even speak that name,” Legend muttered, glancing around fearfully. “They can hear you.”

“Cuccos aren’t that bad,” Twilight scoffed, in a strange reversal of roles from the Veteran. “Are you all really scared of a bunch of birds?”

“I messed with them once. Never again,” the Chain looked over at Time, who’s single eye was staring into the distance. “I too am scarred from my experience.”

While Wind and Twilight began peppering Time with questions, Wild caught the other Heroes eye, who winked at him. Well, Wild thought it was a wink. He was judging it based on the gremlin vibes that Time was emitting. It was rather difficult to determine a wink when the person in question had one eye closed at all times. 

37. “Hyrule Castle’s… everything.”

In the Chain’s experience, Hyrule Castle was usually a very dangerous and generally painful place, so they nodded in sympathy. However, they didn’t know the full extent to which Wild’s Hyrule Castle was utter hell for the Hero involved. 

Before he defeated the Calamity itself, Link had gone through, or attempted to go through, Hyrule Castle more times than he could count. 

The first time, he’d been an idiot and decided the front door of the most dangerous place in Hyrule would be a good place to start. He’d fought his way through the malice and Guardian invested ruins of Castle Town, and stepped out onto the Castle’s first gate. He’d almost instantly been targeted by no less than five Guardians, so he decided maybe he should plan a little better. 

After discovering the alternate routes into the Castle, including the back route through the shafts, the docks, and lockup, Link had a bit more success. He’d gotten relatively farther under the castle, until he’d been ambushed by three silver moblins. He cut his losses and ran for his life.

His next three attempts on varying routes had similar success. Between lynels, guardians, and more silver enemies than he could count, Hyrule Castle was making itself… difficult to say the least. Link lost count of how many times he nearly died in there.

On attempt number who-knows-what, Link tried paragliding into the Castle after he spent over an hour scaling one of the pillars that ringed the moat. He’d gotten into the top floors, and explored the citadel a bit more while studiously avoiding the Sanctum. He’d even found a few particularly reckless koroks who decided that the Calamity’s nest was the perfect place for hide and seek.

38. “I pulled out bomb arrows on Death Mountain and it got messy.”

“How’s that?”

“You know how I mentioned that the air itself can set things on fire on my Death Mountain? Well… set a bomb arrow on fire, and it explodes. I managed to explode myself over a hundred meters up and sent flying off the mountain. It’s still one of my long standing records for explosion size.”

“You keep track?”

“You don’t?”

39. “I survived a vibe check from Hylia.”

“You know,” Wind tapped a finger to his chin. “Technically all of these could be considered ‘vibe checks’ from Hylia.”

“Huh, true enough.”

“Hylia doesn’t give ‘vibe checks’,” Sky protested, attempting to defend his goddess and significant other.

Legend raised an eyebrow, eyeing the Chosen Hero. “You know what? It’s definitely a vibe check. Every near death experience is a vibe check. My life is a vibe check upon Hyrule itself. Maybe Ganon is a vibe check sent by Hylia.”

“If I actually die does that mean the vibe was completed?” Wild wondered aloud.

40.  “It was a dye-job in Hateno gone wrong. I still have nightmares.”

Link just wanted to dye his clothes blue. The shop owner had given Link a list of materials that could produce the color dye he wanted, and Link had grabbed what was available in his inventory. How was he supposed to know that specific combination was highly explosive and also corrosive?

The entirety of Hateno was cleaning dye off their houses for weeks afterward. Link himself was so thoroughly dyed he was certain the only thing that could bring color back to his cheeks was the Shrine of Resurrection.

“Yeah, that’s how I dyed,” he told the Chain later, completely straight faced.  

41. “Electric everything. I hate it all.”

“You do seem to have bad luck with electricity,” Twilight observed.

“It’s everywhere,” Wild growled in frustration. “I love Faron and Zora’s Domain, but everything is electric over there. Lizalfos? Electric. Storms? Electric. The boxes? Electric. Arrows? Electric. Keese? Electric? Chuchus? You bet. Shrines? More electric puzzles then I can count.”

The Champion gave a keening sob. “I just want to live without being electrocuted. Is that too much to ask?”

42. "I was taunting a Yiga with bananas and they finally snapped."

Link had just been trying to not get assassinated, but somehow — like all his plans seemed to go — it backfired. He’d been walking through Necluda at the time, recently coming from Faron and harvesting from the many, many banana trees that filled the jungle. 

“Prepare to meet your end, Hero!” 

Link jumped aside, rolling out of the way as a Yiga appeared in a burst of smoke, sickle slamming into the ground. The assassin snarled at him, jumping back as Link whirled around to face them. He withdrew his sword, readying himself for the attack. Only, it didn’t come.

Link blinked as the Yiga remained motionless, following their general direction of sight to his banana, which was still held in his other hand. 

“Banana,” the Yiga said reverently.

Holding back a gleeful grin, Link held up the banana. “You want this?” At the Yiga’s nod, he offered it forward. “How about, I trade you this in exchange for my life?”

The Yiga thought for a moment, then nodded. “Fair trade.”

“Okay, on three… one, two, three!”

Link threw the banana away from him, then sprinted in the opposite direction. The Yiga let out a cry, dashing towards the fallen fruit. Only, they didn’t find any fruit. Because, Link was running away whilst he shoved the rest of the banana in his mouth. Link couldn’t help but reflect that he’d made a mistake when the Yiga gave a furious cry of rage behind him.


“You were gonna try killing me anyways!” Link protested as he ran.


43. “I thought the Forgotten Temple would be my archeology dream. I was right. And oh, so wrong.”

Wild sighed, burying his face in his hands. “I just wanted to do some research, explore some ruins! Between the Shrines, the Zonai Labyrinths, the Seven and Eighth Heroines, and the Promenades, there’s so much to explore!”

“I hate guardians,” the Champion moaned.

"Mood,” Sky replied, thinking of his own form of guardian.

“I wanted to be an archeologist but noooo, there just had to be death lasers.”

44. “An unexpected Talus.”

Make that unexpected Taluses. Talusi? Talusus? 

Either way, it happened far too often where Link was just minding his own business, wandering in the deep wilderness, when the rocks would come to life underneath him and then start throwing themselves at Link. 

It was even worse when it was a Frost Talus or an Igneo Talus, because he couldn’t even touch them without either freezing solid or bursting into flame. It was already unfair to have a squishy Hylian try to battle a forty ton sentient rock, let alone when they were elemental based too! He should just have the Gorons handle it. Talus steak was a delicacy to them!

45. "Arson.”

“What’d you do that time?”

“Why is it always that I ‘did’ something? It could have been accidental!”

“Wild, while I’m certain you got some of your scars from arson, I’m also pretty sure that’s never an ‘accidental’ arson with you. Arson is one of your personality traits. Along with ‘will consume literally anything’.”

“You just can’t appreciate a good meal.”

“How. How is it that you do not poison us every night.”

46. "Maz Koshia may be old but they had ten thousand years of repressed energy to let out."

“I… what?” Hyrule’s face was that of utter confusion. “Explain?”

“Koshia was one the Sheikah Monks that set challenges for me in the Shrines. His in particular was… different. In order to claim my Divine Beast, which they apparently decided to not inform me of before the Calamity, I had to fight them.”

“You fought the guy? But your monks are like… ten thousand years old or some shit like that,” Legend protested. “Shouldn’t they have disintegrated?”

“I presume Maz Koshia survived by pure spite and badassery… and Sheikah tech. Anyways, we fought, and it turns out you should not underestimate a ten thousand year old monk. Honestly, I still say we should have thrown Koshia at the Calamity. Everything probably would have been over way faster if we did.”

47. "Don't mess with Purah. Just… don’t."

Link had messed with Purah, specifically with one of her projects. It wasn’t entirely intentional, he’d just arrived when she was out and decided to poke at the gutted parts on her workstation. One thing led to another and a few more things exploded and Link ended up releasing some chuchus inside to try and quell the flames. 

By the end of the nightmare, Purah had chased him out with several wrenches straight to the head, and Link was nursing injuries greater than those monsters had given him.

48. "Apparently Ganon is sensitive to being called 'frankenstein's techno spider' and a 'roast pig'."

“Okay, I get the ‘roast pig’ part, but why would you call Ganon a techno spider? And what’s a frankenstein?”

“To make a short story that I don’t fully understand shorter, the Calamity has three forms I know of. The first is a hurricane of malice and looks a bit like a giant snake eldritch abomination… thing. The second was this amalgamation of guardian parts and malice that I fought under Hyrule Castle that looked like Ganon had spun in a blender. It also had way too many limbs. Ergo, spider. Roast pig was the giant on-fire malice pig.”

49. “The flower lady got angry.”

“How is that terrifying or scarring?”

“… I have fought guardian stalkers without getting a single scratch. I have taken down an entire camp of black and silver monsters and escaped unscathed. But that woman was able to injure me regardless of how I ran.”

Wild shuddered.

“If Ganon secretly made another Blight, it would be her.”

50.  “Look, it’s called the Shrine of Resurrection. Not the shrine of ‘ouch, here’s a bandaid.’”

“Ow, where are we now?” Warriors asked, rubbing his head as he looked around. “This some sort of dungeon?”

Wild looked around, recognition lighting his eyes as he took in the smooth not-stone and the glowing blue strings of light that wound their way around the room. “Ah, I know where we are! This is the Shrine of Resurrection in my Hyrule.”

“Shrine, huh?” Four slowly stood, and wandered over the bed-like tub that dominated the space. “What’s this?”

“Ah,” Wild rubbed his neck, as the memory of why he’d been there rose to the surface. His scars prickled under his fingers as the Shrine hummed around them, an eerie white noise that never failed to put him on edge. “That’s the main restoration unit. I was in there for a hundred years while the Shrine healed me.”

“A hundred years?” Wind’s eyes widened, darting to the scars that covered the left side of Wild’s face. “Was it that bad of an injury?”

The Champion scowled. “Look, it’s called the Shrine of Resurrection. Not the shrine of ‘ouch, here’s a bandaid.’”