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Hour One
Elsa adjusts her rearview mirror, scanning the long road behind her for any oncoming traffic. It's seven in the morning, she's a little less than one hour into a six-hour road trip, and she's already making her first stop. It's not ideal, but a certain someone forgot to use the bathroom before they left and, well, Elsa needed some more coffee anyway.
She puts her sunglasses back on and takes a sip of the terrible gas station coffee, no amount of sugar in the world could get rid of that weird, bitter aftertaste. There's caffeine in it, though, and that's the important part.
Four years. It's been four years since she left home and she's finally going back. It was hard leaving in the first place, but it was even harder for her to finally decide she needed to go back. 'Need' was the key word there. She wanted to leave it all behind her but in order to do that, she needed to make one last visit. It's been four years, so much time has passed. She has to believe that she's now a strong enough person to go through with this.
Because if she isn't, then this is going to be brutal.
Fortunately, she isn't on her own. The passenger door opens as her road trip partner finally returns. A woman she didn't think she could ever live without. A woman with soft, reddish-brown hair, freely drawn freckles, gorgeous blue eyes, and a denim jacket that matches the color of her jeans. A woman she's glad to have known all her life.
Anna turns to Elsa and beams at her, "You waited for me?!"
Elsa looks at her like she's being ridiculous, "Did you think I'd abandon you at some random gas station? You're ridiculous."
"It wouldn't surprise me. You know how long it takes for me to use the bathroom." Anna puts her own sunglasses back on and moves the rearview mirror so she can tidy up her hair.
"Well I got my coffee, so all is forgiven." Elsa takes another sip to prove her point, immediately regretting it when the flavor violates her taste buds again. She readjusts the mirror before taking a breath and starting the car. "Five more hours…"
"You sure you don't want me to drive?" Anna asks worried. "You were up pretty late last night."
Elsa doesn't need that reminder. The decision to take this road trip had been a topic of debate in their apartment for weeks, and they only finalized the trip a couple days ago. Honestly, if not for Anna, she would never have agreed to go through with this. And as if things weren't already difficult enough, Elsa could barely sleep the night before. She gives her sister a sad, unconfident smile, "You know I have to do this myself."
Anna returns the smile but it's clear that she doesn't understand. Trying to be a little more assuring, she puts her hand on top of Elsa's. "Well…I'm right here if you need me."
"I know." There's an ache in her chest like someone's squeezing her heart. She puts her hand on top of Anna's and says, "I love you."
"I love you too," Anna says softly. A few seconds later, they're back on the road.
Hour Two
Anna crumples up her empty bag of Doritos and stuffs it in the plastic bag that they're using as a temporary trash can. "Alright, new question," she says while cleaning her hands with a baby wipe. "Which power would you rather have: time travel or immortality?"
Elsa checks all her mirrors despite not seeing another car for the past thirty minutes. It's a driving habit she never hopes to break. "I feel like you asked me this before," she replies.
"So? You've probably changed your mind since then." Anna puts her hand on Elsa's shoulder and gently nudges her, "Come on, don't be such a butt."
"Fine." She definitely remembers them having this conversation about super powers a few years back, but she doesn't remember how she answered. Regardless, she knows her answer this time around. "Time travel, I'd definitely want to time travel."
Anna reels her head back and says, "Laaaaaame! I knew you would choose that."
"Do you know how scary being immortal would be?" Elsa asks, pointedly ignoring Anna's criticism. "You would have to live through the Earth falling apart more than it already is. Plus, you'd never be able to shake the feeling that you're hundreds of years older than everyone else. And of course you'd have to…watch the people you love die."
Anna takes a sip of her Mountain Dew and raises a finger. After an impressively deep burp, she replies, "I mean I guess when you put it like that, then yeah being immortal would suck. But if I could provide a counterargument: flying cars."
"What?"
"You'd live long enough to finally drive a flying car! And like...I don't know, maybe there will be androids, and phones but they're a chip you get implanted in your brain." Anna looks at her and raises an eyebrow, not her own but Elsa's. "What if you didn't choose immortality, and then a day after you died, they invented a new flavor of ice cream?"
Elsa bats her hand away. "I don't think immortality is worth getting to eat more ice cream."
"Okay fine, what about new music or art? Wouldn't it be fascinating to know how society evolves decades from now? Centuries? What if we find a new planet with hot aliens? You're telling me you wouldn't want to experience hot alien sex?"
Elsa isn't expecting that last question and she bursts out laughing, keeping one eye open so she can still see the road. "Damn it, Anna why would...ugh. You're ridiculous," she says after catching her breath with sputtering coughs.
Anna smiles proudly, "Yeah but you love me in spite of that."
"I love you because of that," Elsa corrects.
The rapidly growing blush on Anna's cheeks shuts up any more of her witty remarks. "Stupid."
"Anyway, my answer's still no, I wouldn't want to be immortal. I think, regardless of our circumstances, we were put on this Earth at the exact time we need to be. And we leave exactly when we need to."
Anna's face grows uncharacteristically serious, almost giving Elsa chills. She can count on one hand the number of times her sister has ever looked this serious, and only twice has she been on the receiving end of this look. "Do you really believe that? You don't think people are taken away from this Earth earlier than they should have been?"
Of course Anna's going to ask that, and Elsa should have expected her to. They've always been able to see each other's hearts, they always know what's really going on. As her facade fades, Elsa lets out a sigh, "I believe whatever helps me cope."
Anna drinks the rest of her Mountain Dew, guaranteeing that they'll need to make another stop sometime soon. "I think that's smart."
"Oh by the way, you do know that time travel works both ways, right? I wouldn't need to be immortal in order to figure out what happens in the future."
"...shut up."
Hour Three
Anna rests in the passenger seat, her body contorted into a way that's seemingly comfortable for her as she snores lightly. So much for that offer to drive.
Regardless, Elsa's still determined to make the whole trip by herself. When everything went down, instead of confronting her feelings and accepting reality, she ran away. And for the past four years all she's been doing is running away. She can't make up the time she missed being away, but maybe she can make up the distance. That's why she won't let Anna drive a single mile.
She sneaks a glance at Anna, despite her posture she looks as peaceful as always when she's asleep. When she's awake, she always has the energy and joy of a puppy, and when her eyes are closed she's so sweet and calm. Also like a puppy. And maybe the canine comparison is a little weird, but Elsa loves dogs. And she also loves her sister.
More than she probably should.
The attraction started out innocently enough, or at least as innocent as a crush on your own sister can be. The two had always been inseparable, but their closeness ramped up when they started high school together. One day, as they were walking home, Elsa received the shock of a lifetime when she began to see her sister as the young woman she was growing into. What she thought was admiration turned out to be attraction, and that feeling only grew as the days passed by.
Her feelings started to rise to the surface and it didn't take Anna too long to notice. After a soft, late-night confrontation at their high school's parking lot, Elsa was faced with two choices. Either she confess her feelings to her sister and possibly ruin their relationship forever, or she could continue to grow distant and definitely ruin their relationship forever.
Elsa chose the former.
Anna didn't respond right away, and they drove back home in complete silence. That silence continued for a few more days, Elsa cried herself to sleep every single night as Anna seemed to keep away from her sister. And then, one night, Anna came into Elsa's room and gave her a much-needed answer...in the form of a kiss.
That was, for all intents and purposes, how their relationship started. They fell in love quickly and they still love each other now. Their parents, of course, didn't approve of their relationship. But by the time they found out, she and Anna were already on their way to college. Their ultimatum was pointless, and as the sisters peeled out of their driveway with everything they owned in the back of Elsa's car, Anna said goodbye to their parents with a middle finger out the window.
Elsa was terrified about the choice they made, but with every day she was able to spend freely in love with Anna, that fear slowly faded away. Now she no longer regrets the choice she made.
For the first time in forever, they hit a red light and Elsa slows to a stop. The country road has briefly turned into a managed array of intersections courtesy of the small town they're driving through. This will be the last remnants of civilization that they'll encounter for the next fifty miles or so before they're once again surrounded by dirt and far-off mountains. She's conflicted, wondering whether to let Anna continue sleeping or to wake her up and see if she's hungry. They didn't have a chance to eat breakfast, all they've had today is Doritos.
Her car is the only one at this intersection, she sighs. With the short bit of downtime, she looks around for any cars she might have missed and then cautions a look at her phone, seeing what she's missed.
There are a couple of new emails, one from her boss officially approving her PTO request and one from her therapist giving her some last-minute advice that she pointedly decides not to read. Not right now. There's another notification reminding her that, on this day, the funeral of her parents was held. The funeral she never went to. She opens up her messages, her friend Kristoff has finally responded, agreeing to let her stay at his place while she's in town. Scrolling down, she finds her message chain with Anna and reads the last text her sister sent her.
Why are you looking at your phone dummy??
"You ever gonna answer that?"
Elsa instinctively locks her phone and looks at a now awake Anna. Though "half-awake" might be a more apt description, considering she's smiling lazily at her with her eyes barely open. Elsa gently runs a hand through Anna's hair, almost expecting her to purr from the gesture. "Why would I text you when you're right here?"
Anna yawns and mumbles, "Because I love you?"
"That's not an answer," Elsa replies. "But I love you too."
"Mmm. Where are we?"
"Bell Valley, which means we're a little more than halfway there." The stale red light finally turns green, and Elsa carefully checks the intersection one more time before accelerating. "Are you hungry?"
Anna sits up and rubs her eyes, "No, I'm okay for now." That's odd, she's usually starving this late in the morning. On a normal day, she'd be whining at Elsa to get her pancakes by now. But today isn't a normal day…
"It's okay if you're hungry," Elsa assures. "You don't have to say no just to make sure we get there as fast as possible."
"Are you hungry?" Anna asks.
"No, not really but-" Elsa's interrupted by Anna placing her hand on her cheek. Not in a visibly romantic way, more in a 'curious baby wanting to touch everything' kind of way.
"Then let's keep going," Anna says, now tapping Elsa's nose with her finger. "And if I do get hungry, I'll just munch on your arm."
Elsa chuckles and kisses Anna's hand before placing it back on her side of the car. "If you say so," she replies.
Ten minutes later, Anna falls back asleep.
Hour Four
The hotel bathtub feels amazing. Elsa only had a chance to take a quick shower this morning so the hot water feels refreshing on her skin. She lets out a deep sigh and sinks further down, suddenly finding that she's no longer in the bathtub.
Now she's underwater, a weight pushing her deep into the blue and then suspending her in the boundless void of a mysterious ocean. Everything is muted, noises and voices can't penetrate the liquid barrier and she feels at peace. She can breathe, she can see the vast emptiness that awaits below her and the bright, glowing surface above her. This is where she needs to be right now, calm and unmoving, and she embraces this feeling as it loosens the tension in her muscles, soothes her skin, and takes away her pain. How did she even get here? Has she finally made it back home? Is this her home?
No, she doesn't remember getting here. She doesn't remember making it to a hotel. She doesn't even remember stopping.
And that's when she remembers that she's still driving.
A voice in her head screams at her to wake up and she gasps, eyes snapping open just as the passenger side of her car hits a guard rail. The pop from metal hitting metal sends a jolt down her spine and through her stomach, the car bounces back from the impact, and Anna quickly wakes up as well.
"Holy…what happened?" Anna asks, her hands instinctively grabbing the overhead handle.
Elsa is too shocked to speak, her tongue is firmly pressed to the roof of her mouth and she has a death grip on the steering wheel. Her breathing is picking up rapidly along with her heart rate and she knows she needs to pull over before something worse happens. She veers the car off the asphalt, hitting the dirt with a thud, and quickly decelerates. When the car comes to a complete stop, she takes the key out of the ignition and walks out of the car, resisting the urge to throw her keys into the trees and scream her head off.
She sinks down to the dirt, back resting against her door, and brings her knees as close to her chest as she can. Each breath she takes feels more shallow than the one before, like something is slowly constricting her, and she digs her hands into her scalp to stop the memories from flooding back. But it's too late, she sees everything.
The loud crunch, metal against metal, glass shattering, music halted by destruction. "Look out!" Her parents are there. Blood, pain, silence. Too much silence. People talking, hands reaching out. Two hands on her shoulders. Shaking, grabbing. Elsa.
Elsa.
"Elsa!"
Reality comes back in an instant, Elsa can only see darkness but she feels hands trying to hold her own and a voice calling out to her. Anna's voice.
"Elsa, take my hand. Take my hand and look at me. Please."
Shaking, she grasps Anna's hands and holds on as tight as she possibly can. The afternoon sun nearly blinds her as she looks up, worsening her already blurry vision thanks to her tears. She can't see Anna, but she knows she's right in front of her.
She imagines Anna smiling despite how worried she must feel. "That's good. Now breathe with me, okay? In and out, like this." Anna slowly inhales and Elsa tries to do the same even though it feels like she can't get enough air in her lungs. When Anna exhales, Elsa lets her air out a little earlier than her. She tries again, forcing herself to match Anna's rhythm.
Inhale. Exhale. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out.
Her breathing gradually gets stronger and her heartbeat calms down to manageable levels. Anna wriggles a hand out of her grasp and uses her thumb to wipe the tears from Elsa's eyes. "That's good. Just breathe, Elsa. You're doing so good."
When she can finally see again, Anna's kneeling down in front of her, tears threatening to spill from her own eyes. "What happened?" Anna asks softly.
Elsa takes one more breath and confesses in a strained voice, "I think…I think I fell asleep. I hit a guardrail."
"That explains the big scratch next to my door." Anna wipes another tear falling down Elsa's cheek. "Are you okay?"
"No? …I don't know, it just reminded me of what happened."
Anna nods, squeezing Elsa's hand. "I know."
"I'm sorry if I scared you." Elsa sniffles and catches her breath again. "And I'm sorry I fell asleep."
"It's okay, we're okay," Anna assures. "Just get some sleep and let me drive the rest of the way."
Elsa immediately shakes her head, "I'm good, I can keep driving."
Anna frowns, "No you can't. Elsa, don't do this."
"Well, I can't let you do this for me." Elsa lets go of Anna's hand, immediately regretting it when the loss of contact makes her hand feel ice cold. She stands up, nearly tripping over herself when she realizes how weak her legs actually feel. "I have to do this on my own, and I need you to believe that I can."
"I do believe in you Elsa, more than anyone or anything." Anna stands up as well, placing her hands on Elsa's shoulders. "And I don't want to stop you from doing whatever you think you have to do, I just don't want you getting hurt again! Don't do this alone, please…"
The guilt she's already feeling from falling asleep is compounded by the guilt she feels from seeing the pain in Anna's eyes. She's pleading with her to end this dangerous mission of hers, and wants her to live to see another day. But Elsa can't…she won't forgive herself if she doesn't drive every single mile home. She pushes through the guilt for now, hoping that Anna will understand when they finally make it.
"We should keep going," Elsa replies before opening her door and getting back in the driver seat. She cautions a glance out the window, watching as Anna looks at her conflicted before walking around and getting back in the passenger seat, wiping the tears from her eyes with her forearm. A minute later and they're back on the road.
Hour Five
The tapestry of their long journey has been in flux from the very beginning, and now they're on their last bits of thread. Cities have turned into highways, highways into hills, hills into forests, and now forests into mountains.
The scenic overlook they've stopped at momentarily is gorgeous. It's winding roads and thick greenery as far as the eye can see, covering the distance they've traveled so far. The early afternoon sun congratulates them for making it all the way here by covering the mountaintops in a golden glow. It's a view worth remembering, and yet all Elsa can focus on is the woman leaning on the protective metal barrier at the edge of the cliff.
Anna hasn't really spoken to her since the accident. Though it's not like Elsa's tried to talk to her either, her only focus has been on the road ahead. It's not until they hit this mountain road that Anna finally asked her to pull over, and Elsa obliged.
As she sits on the hood of her car trying to figure out what to say, Elsa figures that she needs to get out of her own head and talk to the woman she loves. Fix this before it's too late. She stands up and walks over to Anna, wrapping her arms around her from behind and resting her head against the back of her shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Elsa says.
Anna finally speaks her first words in over an hour. "What are you sorry for?"
"For being stubborn, for freaking you out, for…not letting you help me," Elsa responds. Her answer is met with silence. "Are you mad at me?"
Anna sighs, Elsa feels it before she hears it. "I'm not mad at you, I'm worried."
Elsa nuzzles her face into Anna's back, "I'm sorry."
Finally, Anna turns around and puts her hands on Elsa's arms. There's something in her eyes that Elsa's never liked seeing: fear. "Why are you really doing this? Why do you think you have to go on this...crusade alone? I'm right here, Elsa." She places a hand on top of Elsa's heart. "I've always been right here."
Elsa puts her hand over Anna's and holds it tight, finally realizing it's time to confess. "I left home four years ago, instead of confronting the accident I ran away like…like a coward. I can't make up for the time I missed, but I can make up the distance. I have to. So I-I can't let you do this for me, because I'm doing this for you. And me. Does that make sense?"
Anna thinks for a moment and then she rests her head against Elsa's shoulder. "Could I change your mind if I said you had nothing to prove?"
Elsa strokes her hair, "Probably not."
Anna hums, "Can you at least promise me you'll be safe?"
"Can you promise me you'll stay by my side until we get home?"
"Of course," Anna replies.
"Then of course."
Hour Six
Despite everything looking just as it did four years ago, home feels…different. Even after they passed the big sign on the freeway saying "Welcome to Arendelle!", it didn't really feel like they made it.
Everything looks smaller, emptier, there's no familiarity to anything. It feels like some other town that they're passing through on the way to their real destination.
"I can't believe we're back," Anna exclaims.
"Yeah…" Elsa drives below the speed limit, her mind trying to pull up any relevant memories to beat some nostalgia into her. Maybe four years was too long to be away.
"What's wrong?" Anna asks, seeing the unease on her love's face.
"I just…" Elsa takes a breath. "I thought I'd feel more than this, you know?"
Anna hums with sympathy. "Maybe you just need a little more time for it to sink in?"
"Maybe." In the wake of unfelt nostalgia, she feels other emotions developing. Melancholy certainly, but also nervousness and envy. Envy towards Anna, which isn't right. But while Elsa never felt that connected to Arendelle, Anna rooted herself here. For Elsa it's been four years, for Anna...she may as well have been here since yesterday. She may as well have never left Arendelle.
Trying to familiarize herself with the town again, Elsa takes a few detours to her strongest memories. She drives around their old elementary school where she won the spelling bee in fourth grade. She goes to the ice cream shop where they got their first part-time jobs. She drives to their old high school and, for a couple of minutes, parks in the same spot where she first confessed her feelings to Anna. She drives to their childhood home, remembering the day she pulled out of the driveway for the last time. And then…she drives to the intersection two miles away. The site of the accident.
Anna holds her hands tight as a red light stops them from going any further, forcing Elsa to study every detail of the scene. The bricks have long since been repaired, the glass once scattered all around the left turn lane has all been swept away, the blood is washed off the sidewalks.
"Elsa…" Anna says softly.
Elsa shakes her head and tries to smile at her, "It's okay, I…I needed to see this."
The light mercifully turns green and Elsa begins her slow turn, her eyes darting across the lanes to watch if any car moves a single inch. When she completes her turn, Elsa punches her foot on the gas pedal and gets the hell out of there. She grips Anna's hand and steadies her breathing, refusing to break down again. Never again.
"Okay," Elsa says after her breathing has calmed down to manageable levels. "I'm ready."
Anna smiles, "I'm proud of you."
It doesn't take them that much longer to reach their destination. The parking lot is a little more packed than she's expecting but they're able to find a spot soon enough. Six (almost seven) hours later, and they've finally made it. And it's then that Elsa finally realizes why she never felt like she made it back home when they crossed Arendelle's town line.
It's because Arendelle was never her home.
But now that feeling she wanted, that nostalgia, that pain…that warmth…she's finally feeling it. Elsa turns off the car and readjusts the rear view mirror, looking back at the long road she traveled to get here. She unbuckles her seatbelt and turns to Anna, "Okay, let's do this."
Anna's not looking at her, she's transfixed on the entrance. "You go on ahead, I'll catch up."
Elsa raises an eyebrow, "What are you talking about? We made it all the way here, we were gonna do this together."
"We are going to do this together."
"Then why am I walking in without you?"
Anna finally turns to her, smiling peacefully and placing her hand over Elsa's. "Because you need to do this next part on your own," she says. "You know that. You've always known that."
Elsa opens her mouth to protest…but Anna's right. She drove all this way here, on her own, for a reason. And if Anna were to cross these last few feet with her, she'd just have to make up even more of the distance.
Anna puts her hand above Elsa's heart, "Don't worry. I'll meet you inside."
A tear falls down Elsa's cheek and she wipes it away. Unsure if she'll be able to say anything else without breaking down and sobbing, she just nods and squeezes her sister's hand one more time before stepping out of the car.
Arendelle has always had the best spring weather, and the air feels wonderful on her skin. Fallen leaves tumble across the sidewalk as Elsa walks alongside them. A couple up ahead catches her eye and they give each other a polite, solemn nod. She stops herself once she reaches the iron gates of the entrance. This is it, one more step and she'll officially finish her journey. Stuffing her hands into her jacket pockets, she takes one more deep breath and steps inside the Arendelle Cemetery.
Thanks to Kristoff's directions, she knows exactly where to go. Her steps feel so loud as she makes her way down the stone walkway. More than a few grieving families, couples, and widows are here as well and that reassures her. Everyone here is sharing the same pain, taking on the same burden, keeping each other from being pressed down too hard from the grief.
Taking a left at the branching path, she finds herself in front of her parents' gravestones and keeps walking without a second glance. A few more steps later and she finally stops.
Anna fulfilled her promise, she met her inside.
Elsa walks up to her and kneels down, she runs a hand along the top of her sister's gravestone and then along the engraving on the front.
Anna Parish
June 21, 1998- March 28, 2018
Arendelle's Angel
Four years ago, Elsa and Anna were involved in a tragic accident two months before they were supposed to graduate from university. They wanted to say goodbye to Arendelle in-person before they started a new life together. But during their visit someone ran a red light and hit the passenger side of Elsa's car at a high speed. While the doctors were able to save Elsa's life, they were unable to do the same for Anna. Stricken hard by grief, Elsa left Arendelle as soon as she could and never returned.
Until now.
Four years later, on the anniversary of her sister's death, Elsa decided it was time to stop running and come to the place she was never able to step foot in before. Despite the tears falling down her cheek, she smiles and says to Anna:
"I'm home."