Chapter Text
I'd like to start by mentioning that the inspiration for this fic was born from a long winded tangent I wrote on a TiBette/JBLuH forum/board. Much love to everyone that keeps the place alive and running.
Also, I’ll need to take some artistic license here. My poor heart couldn't handle watching any episode of GenQ either in its entirety or more than once when it aired. I won't know or remember every detail so there may be things that I miss or get wrong in comparison to how they actually happened over the last two seasons, especially with regard to timelines. This is a work of fiction though, so let's try to just go with the flow. I hope you all enjoy it 😉
‘It's now or never Tina, you can fucking do this,’ she thought to herself, attempting to bury her nerves with a pep talk before knocking on Bette’s door. ‘Maybe I should’ve called before coming…’
Tina had debated earlier in the evening on whether to call or just show up, but figured a phone call would be less intimate or possibly more easily ignored than a face to face meeting. Just as she was about to knock, Bette opened the door unexpectedly, looking like a heavenly dream in a gorgeous white suit. She took in Bette’s outfit and realized she’d completely forgotten about the event she had scheduled for the evening… she’d also almost forgotten how breathtakingly gorgeous Bette could look in a suit.
“Hi,” Tina said, feeling little flustered at Bette's appearance.
God, she’s so beautiful…
“Hey, um, what are you doing here?,” Bette asked in surprise.
"Can I come in?" Tina asked gently, her voice sounding a little raw and layered with emotion.
Taken aback, Bette was momentarily stunned by the situation. There stood Tina at her doorstep uttering four simple words in a tone that held entirely too much weight for the evening. Breathing deeply, she hesitated another second before stepping aside to let her in.
Dark eyes followed Tina as she walked into the house, her energy quickly flooding the space with tension and apprehension. She watched her ex take purposeful strides toward the kitchen, stopping at the island to place her clutch on the counter. Nervous hands soon braced themselves against the cool marble before finally pushing off to turn around and face Bette.
"I'm sorry for showing up like this, especially after everything that happened last night. It was… messy, I was messy. I'm so sorry for how I reacted, for how I’ve treated you,” Tina said with a nervous resolve, her right hand nearly rubbing the skin raw at the nape of her neck.
“I know how important tonight is for you… and I know you're about to head out, but something happened, has been happening and I need..."
The underlying pain in Tina’s voice caused a tightness to form in Bette’s chest. Dark eyes anxiously searched hazel, finding a light sheen of tears threatening to swell. Soon rage began to simmer within Bette at the possibility that Carrie may have hurt Tina. Feeling like she was overheating, Bette removed her jacket tossing it off to the side before stepping a little closer to her ex.
"What happened T? Did Carrie do something to you?”
An agonizing thud resonated within Tina’s chest at the long forgotten nickname spoken with such concern.
"No, no… nothing like that. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Listen, this is going to take a lot longer than a few minutes, I just… I wanted to ask… can I meet you right after you’re done tonight? I know it’s important that you go, so this can wait until later, but it can't wait until tomorrow. I don’t want to put anything off for tomorrow. So, can we meet after? In like two or three hours, or however long it is until you’re done? There’s… there’s so much that I need to say that I haven’t said, and you're the only person I need to share it all with.”
Waiting a few hours to hear what Tina had to say was not going to work for Bette. Whatever it is was important enough for her to come here unannounced and appearing a little shaken. Bette was too curious and invested to wait two or three hours to hear what Tina came to share.
“I can meet you later, but I rather you talk to me now. If not I’ll just spend the next hour or two overthinking and worrying about you until I’m so filled with anxiety that I end up leaving early anyway. What’s going on?”
Tina hesitated for a few seconds before finally responding.
“Is Angie here or by Jordi’s? When I spoke to her earlier she wasn’t sure if she was up to going out tonight or not. I need to talk to her too, but it's not something I wanted to do tonight. It's best that I speak to you first before speaking to her, I plan to talk to her tomorrow over breakfast.”
“She’s in bed half asleep, watching some show on her laptop. The British one with the hot blonde that’s in that new action movie.”
“Right, she said she loves their use of muted colors, lighting choices, and dramatic camera angles. I swear she has so much of both of us in her... it’s a beautiful thing to witness.”
“Yeah… it is,” Bette agreed with a sad smile. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go get her?”
“No, she needs the rest. I’m just worried Carrie might be spiteful enough to try to reach out to her and I want our baby to know that she’s no longer considered a friendly. I want her nowhere near Angie… or you for that matter.”
Bette’s jaw clenched in agitation.
“Tina, if she ever… I’d rip out her fucking throat and gladly do the time for it. You know I’d do anything to protect my family, and that includes spending the next twenty years in prison for murdering her if need be. Now tell me, what happened?”
After spending a few moments trying to ignore the effect Bette’s concerned words had on her, Tina steadied herself and began to speak.
“We talked. Argued, really. Extensively, and loudly. We argued all night and well into the morning, letting everything out and admitting some harsh truths to ourselves and each other. Some were things I couldn’t admit to myself until last night. Others have been rearing their ugly heads for a few months, maybe longer. It feels like I’ve been holding everything in for so long trying to convince myself that I was ok and being true to myself, that I’d made all the right decisions, that I had made my fucking bed, but… all the while I’d just been ripping apart at the seams.
I blew up at you last night because I thought you were being cold and calculating, like you were trying to deliberately ruin my relationship with Carrie out of spite. I wasn’t able to admit to myself that my heart wasn’t a hundred percent invested in the relationship and that I’d been holding on to it so desperately out of fear. It all reached a breaking point last night. I don’t think I've ever been as honest in my life as I was when I argued with Carrie, and my honesty escalated things to an alarming level with her. Things didn't get physical, but there were dark and twisted wishes for me and mine, allusions to self harm guised with sarcasm, and then the… threatening gesture of something.
She’s never acted remotely close to how she acted with me last night. Emotions were running high and I get that, but she crossed several lines to say the least. I saw a side of her that I don't wish to see again, and it's becoming apparent to me that she may have issues with alcohol. I hadn’t picked up on anything resembling an alcohol problem until these last few weeks though. I think you, our past relationship, my energy and Carrie’s own insecurities exacerbated whatever underlying issues she’s been dealing with.
Maybe I pushed her too far, took things too far… it doesn’t matter. In the end, everything was officially called off… the wedding, the relationship, the friendship. I told her if she ever dared to threaten or occupy the same space as me or my family again, I wouldn’t think twice about ripping out her carotid with my bare teeth, leaving her to die where she stood in a puddle of her own blood. It seems you and I both automatically want go for the throat when feeling fucked with. After we said everything that could have been said, I grabbed a few things, threw the ring on the floor and left.”
Both women were so absorbed in their conversation that neither noticed the soft footsteps approaching from the hallway.
“Mom? Are you ok?” Angie asked with worry as she stepped into the kitchen.
“Hi baby, yeah I'm ok,” Tina answered in that sweet mom voice, pulling her daughter in for a tender hug. “Are you ok? I know the last couple of days have been intense.”
“I'm hanging in, it’s been a day… weirdly emotional at times, but good… cathartic maybe.”
“Yeah, cathartic seems like the word of the day… mine too,” Tina responded with a final squeeze and a kiss to her daughter’s temple before letting go. “I'm sorry if I woke you.”
“No I got a call from Jordi, she asked if I wanted come over to binge watch a few episodes of our show. Is that ok?” she turned to ask her mama B, “because she’s already on her way to pick me up with her cousin.”
“Sure boo,” Bette said with a laugh. “Are you sleeping over or coming home later tonight?”
“I haven’t decided if I want to sleep over. I'm thinking I rather sleep in my own bed tonight though. Can one of you maybe pick me up from her house later if eleven-ish isn’t too late?”
Tina was quick to answer.
“I'll probably be up, just send a text in our group chat when you're ready. One of us will come get you, ok?”
“K…. so, um… did I hear you a saying that you and Carrie ended things?” Angie asked as she studied her mother.
“Yeah… you did. How much did you hear baby?”
“Just the tail end of it, how everything was called off and you know… the rest.”
Tina's heart melted at the worry in her daughter’s eyes.
“I want to make it clear that she didn’t lay a hand on me and at no point did I feel I was in any danger, but lines were still crossed nonetheless. And even if the catalyst had been different, or had our conversation been less… eruptive… things between her and I still would have ended. I don’t want to go into too many details right now. I’d like to talk your mom first before you and I discuss it, but there is one thing though.
I know you and Carrie have built a genuine friendship over the past year, but I'm not comfortable with you maintaining any form of communication with her going forward. I saw a side of her that I don’t want you inadvertently exposed to and… can we talk tomorrow over breakfast about everything, if that’s alright with you? So I can further explain? There are a lot of other things I’d like to talk with you about, too… I know the last few days have been, heavy, for all of us.”
“Yeah, that sounds good. We’ll go to Mel’s, I could go for an old school diner breakfast,” she replied while wrapping her arms around Tina’s elbow. Placing her chin on her mom’s shoulder, Angie stared adoringly into hazel eyes, trying to project all the love she felt onto her.
“I love you mom... I'm really glad you’re ok.”
Her soul overflowing with emotion, Tina’s eyes squeezed tightly shut, failing to prevent a lone drop from rolling down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away, smiling at her daughter through the tears before pressing their heads together gently.
“I love you too, so much my little love.”
It felt so familiar to Bette, so natural, to have the women in her life who mattered most filling her home with such love, compassion and warmth. She could almost physically feel her heart swelling from the tenderness of the moment.
It was moments like these, among countless others, that Bette missed so dearly.
“What does this mean for the two of you? Wait don't answer that, you guys need to talk, so don't answer that right now, ok?” Angie added before her phone whistled. “That’s Jordi, gotta go. I’ll text you guys later.”
After giving Tina another quick hug, Angie moved over to Bette to do the same. The hug lingered a little longer with her, lips moving close to her mother’s ear to whisper, “maybe those big moves were meant to happen here instead.”
Their daughter pulled away with the most innocent of Porter-Kennard smiles before heading off in a rush.
“Byeee, love you both!” she hollered, running out of the house as fast as she could, leaving the two women to stand there in awkward silence.
After a few moments of introspection and avoiding direct eye contact, Bette noticed Tina looked a little too lost in thought and decided to break the silence.
“So… what was it that pushed things over the edge with you and Carrie?”
“I think you already know the answer to that question… it was you, it’s always you,” Tina answered, waiting for the brunette to say something, anything. The silence was deafening, so she took a step closer to a frozen Bette and continued talking.
“She reverted back to her usual insults. Insulting you, insulting me, my choices, my decision to marry you… to have a child with you. She’s obviously not a fan of yours and kept saying that she couldn’t understand how it was possible that I loved you to the point where I'd deliberately have a child with you. This time she actually said she wished I would’ve had a child on my own or with literally anyone else, a one night stand even, so that you and I wouldn’t be tied together for the rest of our lives. I mean how fucking dare she? I can’t imagine life without OUR child, and I can't imagine sharing a child with anyone other than you.
If not for us Bette, Angie wouldn’t be Angie… the very fabric of what makes her her, is you and me. She’s growing into such an amazing young woman, a beautiful amalgamation of the best parts of us and I would never want it any other way. Carrie couldn’t understand why her comments were so hurtful to me, why it was such a horrible thing to say. I told her that she could never understand our connection, that I feel eternally blessed to have you as Angie’s other mother, blessed that sole reason she even exists is because of US. Because of our love,” Tina spoke passionately, hands motioning between Bette and herself.
‘What I would give to run into this bitch in a dark alley,’ Bette thought to herself before speaking.
“Carrie hasn’t the slightest fucking idea of what we’ve meant to each other… it would take her a lifetime just to scratch the fucking surface. That she presumes to think she can even begin to comprehend what we shared is utterly ridiculous, Tina.”
“I know... I was so infuriated… I fucking lost it at one point, and then things escalated to an alarming level when she asked if she’d always rank third in my life. Angie understandably first, then you, then her. She’s said this to me before, calling herself number three... I told her she’d technically rank fourth since I needed to place myself second or third. That obviously didn’t go over well, but it's true and I’d already had enough at that point. I couldn't just stand there and allow her to tear you and our family to pieces, I had to bite back.
She wished ill on you, on me. Some things I can't even repeat out of fear of putting them out there into the universe and calling them into existence. She said the only way a relationship between her and I could work is if you were no longer part of the equation. That living with you in my orbit was too much for her to handle. And then came the ultimatum. She demanded I cut as much contact with you as possible, to only reach out to you about things that were strictly necessary and only as they pertain to Angie. That Angie was getting older now, going off to college soon and didn't need us in constant communication anyway.
The reason you and I co-parent so well is because we try our best to keep the lines of communication open. Even when we’re at our worst, we’re always on the same page when it comes to Angie… she’s our number one. Plus, we weren’t on the phone daily gabbing like two school girls, if we spoke any less we’d hardly be speaking at all, and I'm not ok with that. More importantly, I wont let someone control me, I can’t be with someone who wants to coerce and manipulate me to their will. I couldn’t and wouldn't do that.
You matter to me Bette, you’ll always matter, and I had already made it perfectly clear that both you and Angie were part of the package when she and I started seeing each other. That was never up for debate and it was never going to change, not for her or anyone else.”
“Tina, I'm so sorry if I..."
"No, please, don't be sorry Bette. You have no need to apologize for any of this. It's me, it's all me. There's so much I should’ve done differently, like ending things with her a while ago, before... it doesn't matter, I can’t go back and change things that have already happened. It all came to a head last night and there was no stopping it once it started.”
A whirlwind of emotion stirred within Bette’s eyes and she could feel herself being thrown off balance as the world around her shifted into an indiscernible mess.
"What do you mean you should've ended things with her before? You were literally just engaged to her twenty-four hours ago, Tina. I thought you were so happy and ready to get married again? You seemed dead set that Carrie was what you wanted, that she was your future.”
At one point, Tina would’ve struggled to find the courage to lead with her heart. Once she walked through that door, those weakest parts of herself had ceased to exist and, good or bad, she was ready to face the long and complicated journey ahead of her.
“Before I answer you Bette, I promised myself I’d continue to be completely honest tonight and every day that follows. So let’s agree to be one hundred percent honest here, from this moment on, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much we think we’ll hurt each other with the truth. Can we do that?”
Bette welcomed a deep steadying breath before answering, “yeah, we can do that.”
After already losing so much they could only gain from laying things bare… what more could they possibly have to lose?
“There’s a lot I need to let out,” Tina prefaced, “so if you could just let me talk and interject if you have something to add or ask…”
“Ok…” Bette agreed a bit warily.
“Ok…. I'll start by saying that I thought I was happy enough with Carrie. I know I wasn’t IN love with her, but I did love her, Bette, very much. She’s been very good to me, even well before we started dating and we became a really great friends throughout that time. She was always so selfless and willing to lend an ear whenever I needed. Her work schedule can be daunting, oftentimes much more involved than mine or yours, but it didn’t matter if she had a million things going on, she’d drop whatever it was and listen. And I mean truly listen.”
Tina paused for a second to find the right words before continuing. She didn’t want to hurt Bette, but the need to be completely transparent maintained its course.
“Carrie walked into my life at a time when you and I were just so unbearably disconnected, and after we ended things, the friendly care and concern she’d already been showing me ramped up tenfold. I won't deny that I fell in love with the way she treated me, with how considerate she was, with how at ease she could make me feel. I felt appreciated, heard, wanted. She made room for me, Bette, always so attentive and inclusive. I started to feel like I meant the world to someone again, like I made her day by simply existing. It was intoxicating, filling, to feel something like that. To feel like I mattered, to feel like I had a voice."
Hazel eyes studied the woman in front of her with intent, picking up on the subtle flinches of emotion that were warring on Bette’s face. She hoped the brunette would be open to receiving everything she’d yet to share.
“You and Carrie are like night and day, so the script was definitely flipped with her... I was always placed in the foreground, as her equal, and her voice and opinions never sought to negate mine. That’s something that had severely lacked between you and I... I didn’t feel the same respect and consideration from you that I'd always given to you so easily.
At the time, she embodied so much of what I needed. She showed me that she could and would put me first, that I took precedence in her life. She was a solid partner and companion, and a part of me also liked that she was kind of a bottom. I don’t mean that sexually… our relationship wasn’t all that sexual to begin with, but there was an abundance of emotional intimacy between us and that felt amazing too.”
She could barely stomach making eye contact, but Tina had already promised herself that she wouldn’t hold anything back tonight.
“The daily routine felt intimate and nights at home were warm and inviting. We laughed a lot... we'd talk for hours on end and veg out doing or watching mindless shit, just enjoying each others company. She made it easy to be me without me feeling like I needed to hold myself and everything else in my life to a specific standard, you know?
She let me take the lead and allowed herself to be open and unguarded. She allowed herself to need me. You’re a typical type A, you rarely seemed like you needed me, not the way I needed you.
There was never this struggle for power or control with her. She wasn’t like you, control wasn’t something she inherently required. She either shared it or gave it up willingly, almost like she didn't even want it. I was the one who took care of things… I took care of her. In a way, that made me feel a little top ish and a part of me liked how that felt too.”
Tina knew some of this would be hurtful to hear, it would hurt her if she were in the same position. It was hurting her to have said so much already. Full disclosure was needed though, and as uncomfortable as this conversation had become, she knew she had to see it through.
“Look Bette, she had plenty of redeeming qualities so I can’t paint her as a demon. She was comforting and supportive, ever present, and openly communicative. She was also really good with Angie, and Angie genuinely liked spending time with her too. They got on surprisingly well, and that made it a lot easier to move forward when she proposed. It worked on paper, it did, but I wasn’t being truly honest with myself and I wasn’t being fair to her either.
Something vital was missing, even if I couldn’t admit it at the time, and then gradually I started to feel like I was using her. Like I held onto her and the relationship to ease everything else I’d been feeling, not because I felt this profound, soul crushing love for her. Like I said earlier, I felt like I was happy enough, Bette… but I stayed with her for all of the wrong reasons. Two months and one week ago, I started going to therapy again… all because two months, one week and two days ago, I thought about calling off the wedding. Every day since, I’d been fighting my own instincts to do just that.”
Bette’s head was spinning from the onslaught of information, nauseating images of Tina living this weirdly amicable happily ever after with Carrie firing around in her brain. She was feeling everything all at once, like ocean swells of emotion rising and falling, but there were three distinctive emotions fighting loudly for dominance at the forefront.
First, she was shamefully elated that Tina and Carrie’s relationship was seemingly over well before this mess happened last night. As happy as Tina may have been with her, it obviously wasn’t enough.
Second, she was angry. Angry at the universe for not inspiring Tina to be as open and aware months ago; which might have allowed Bette the opportunity to fix things well before they were destroyed beyond recognition. She was also angry at herself for own part in creating this mess.
Which lead to the third emotion she was currently battling with... she was so deeply hurt by much of what Tina had shared in such detail. Hearing how your ex wife’s, semi-current, hot mess of a partner had been able to provide her with all those things you couldn’t see were lacking? Ouch. Hearing that Tina believed Bette didn’t need her like she needed air to fucking breathe? That one cut her to the bone.
“I asked you recently if you were still in love with me, Bette... last night Carrie asked me if I was still in love with you.”
Bette swallowed deeply in attempt to pull her heart back down into her chest.
“And what did you say to her?”
“I told her the truth, that there’s a huge part of me that will always be in love with you. That the more time that passes, the more I realize that it’s not something that goes away. The love adapts and alters itself, but it never disappears. I've loved you over twenty five years Bette, love was never our problem.”
“Well, our love for each other was obviously grossly overshadowed by our problems.”
“Yeah, at times it was.”
“I would say so if they drove you to leave me,” Bette replied with a bite to her tone.
“I was still in love with you when I left you.”
"You were in love with me, but you left me? What the fuck is that Tina? You left me! Remember?!”
"And you let me go, Bette! You let me go well before we split….”
Bette cut her off abruptly.
"Me, Tina? Are you fucking kidding me right now? You changed things, you were the one who wanted space! You abandoned me and then you wanted a divorce!"
“No Bette!” Tina screamed passionately, causing Bette to flinch nervously at the outburst.
“I'm sorry... it's just... I tried for so long to fix things between us and grew sick of, once again, living as a fucking afterthought with you. Your behavior pushed me away and created a distance a between us that felt impossible to overcome. I fucking love you, but you can be so unbelievably selfish with me, and the worst part is that you’re completely blind to it. I know you don't do it maliciously, i know that… but you still fucking do it and it’s still hurtful as hell.
Sometimes there’s this shift in you, like tunnel vision, and you move without pause at full speed. Your focus literally starts to live elsewhere and you become increasingly self absorbed until all I’m left with is your absence. I cope by emotionally retreating a little further away from you each time. I continue to bend to your wants and allow myself to be relegated to the background… you continue to take me, our relationship, for granted. You get used to me being there no matter what… no matter how much shit I put up with for you, no matter how much I give in to maintain the balance, no matter how much you subconsciously push me away.
I mean, you’re so alpha, you always needed to have things your way, to have the final say. Those last few years it got to the point where it felt less like a relationship and more like a one sided situationship in which I was only included as a prop when you needed. Sure, there were times where you genuinely needed my support and I loved that. I loved that, and I loved being there for you in every capacity, but oftentimes my desire to do so… to support you in everything and make life easier for you… was to my own detriment.
You had this need for control, the need to have greater influence over most, if not all, matters in our life. That meant that you needed my infinite willingness to compromise on damn near everything. You needed me to ceaselessly bend without breaking.
Too much bending from one side isn’t healthy for any relationship… it isn’t right for one person to give or take that much more than the other, there needs to be an even exchange. If not, it creates a toxic imbalance and a breeding ground for all kinds of neglect and resentment to be born. I did that with you, I gave in at every turn because it was what you unwittingly demanded.
I grew accustomed to it before I became resentful of it. Oftentimes, it was just easier for me to go with your flow rather than fight you on anything, because despite my opinions, you always felt you knew best and things were going to go your way regardless. There shouldn’t have been any bending to a breaking point on either side, but instead the mutual effort of us meeting each other halfway.
I may as well have been mute since I didn’t have a voice in our relationship. And I'm not saying that's how things were with every single thing, but more often than not, it was me who had to acquiesce. Or at least I felt like I had to. I felt less than, insignificant. And we just kept fucking drifting into nothingness. I honestly lost count of the missed dinners and forgotten date nights. What should have been pleasant moments became tainted memories of our lack of connection and communication. On the rare occasions that I brought up concerns or tried to stand my ground, it either turned into an argument that I'd never win, that you'd later try to fix with flowers... or it would become something shelved and quickly forgotten.”
Tina wiped a stray tear at the harsh memories of Bette’s thoughtlessness.
“Do you even remember the time I asked you a few years ago if we could go away for the weekend? After you were done curating that collection of abstracts for the Whitney? I’d been feeling like the disconnect was placing us on a path headed for destruction… I didn’t tell you that explicitly, but I told you I missed you, that I felt we needed to reconnect and just spend some real time together. I said it could be something simple, a cabin, a hotel, a fucking tent in the woods, whatever, that I only needed that intimacy of being with you and only you. Just a couple of days without phones, without work... just us.
You agreed. You said that nothing was more important than maintaining our connection and told me you'd plan everything for us to go the following month. ‘In exactly four weeks’ you said. I didn’t bring it up again, you’re a planner through and through and you said you'd handle it, so you'd handle it.
When the time came I was so excited… I went shopping and bought something beautiful to wear for you in your favorite color. I booked an afternoon at the spa and got a mani-pedi, wax, massage, the works. I was filled with such delicious anticipation it made me feel like a fucking teenager again. I honestly hadn’t felt that happy in a long time… until one month turned into two, and then three turned into four. I remember feeling so broken knowing that you hadn’t even given my concerns a second thought. You’d already thrown yourself into planning and schmoozing for the next big thing while I stewed silently over the state of us. It felt like I was fucking grieving.”
“Tina, I'm so sorry,” Bette said with remorse, her voice thick as she swallowed down the flood of tears begging to be released. “I remember the conversation now, I didn’t remember it then.”
“I know... it didn’t even register for you at that time. Or it did, but you were so distracted by everything else that it failed to keep your attention. That was one of many attempts to get you to see that things were declining to a critical point between us. And there were some attempts you were never made aware of. One time I showed up at your work with the intention of meeting you in your office, locking the door and dropping to my knees for you. I fucking missed you… and I’d been dying to taste you so badly.”
Fuck… Bette thought to herself, the arousal hitting her with full force in an instant.
“When I got there you were innocently flirting with some woman, and I'm not accusing you of anything, so please don't think that. I trust that you would never do that to me again, but I was still so incredibly fucking pissed and hurt...”
Just as quickly as Bette’s arousal had hit her, it immediately turned to panic from one second to the next.
“Tina, I would never make the same mistake I made seventeen years ago… I rather cut out my own fucking heart than to do that to you again. Please tell me you truly believe that.”
“I do… I know you wouldn't, but there you were, innocently flirting with some random when I’d been feeling so isolated from you. I know nothing happened and I don't doubt you, but I was envious of the affection you so easily shared with a fucking stranger. I left without you knowing I was ever there… I gave you the cold shoulder for days afterwards too. Not that you noticed, at least it didn't seem like it to me. You were far too wrapped up in whatever it was you had going on and I was already steadily retreating.
I never understood how or why you do that. You miss what’s happening right in front of you, and that goes on for several weeks or months at a time. At one point, eight months had passed where we hadn’t made love, gone out to dinner alone, or just cuddled on the couch while we watched a movie. Months where we did nothing together, as a couple, that wasn’t completely focused on Angie or the daily responsibilities of the home. Months where you stopped listening to me because what you were doing was so much more important than whatever it was I needed.
And I needed YOU, Bette… to be present and with me in the moment. To hear me... to hold yourself accountable for your own behavior. To admit that your desire to control everything, although mostly endearing, could be so damaging if not tempered. To admit that you can be fucking wrong too. You had almost zero ability to admit fault back then. And I was too passive, too willing to silently sacrifice what I wanted or needed to make sure things worked well enough for you.
I don’t know what went wrong. We were in a great place for a lot of years when we moved to New York, and it was fucking amazing. It wasn’t until much later that things started to change between us, and those destructive cycles that started in gradual spurts increased steadily over the last of them. Things would be good for a bit then we’d roll back into the discord and disconnect. And I did what I always do. I fade into you until I can't even see myself anymore. I lose myself completely and become an extension of you. I become half a person because at the very core, I need you to give as much as I do in order to feel whole… because so much of who I was or am is tied to you in these vast and indecipherable knots.”
Tina focused on her breathing while she gathered the rest of her thoughts. She needed to air everything out while she could, before she was faced with asking Bette what she came here to ask her.
“It’s heartbreaking to feel alone in a relationship, to feel insignificant to your partner. And when it happens, you try to find your worth elsewhere… in your kids, your work, your passions. I focused on Angie and my career. I was thriving at work, but it’s never filled me like it does you. I must have enrolled in nearly fifty different courses and workshops to fill the void, none of which you had any idea I was taking.
I needed to figure out who I was without you, because I’d mistakenly placed my own happiness and sense of fulfillment onto your shoulders and that’s not healthy either. You have to find contentment on your own too, someone can’t be the sole cause of your joy, you know? Especially if that someone is sitting three feet from you, but could just as easily be a thousand miles away.
In that time before we split, I couldn’t live with the emptiness anymore. We had drifted too far apart, moving backwards into old patterns, seemingly doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past. Instead of consistently calling us out on our shit and forcing us to deal or seek help, I pulled away and started to resent you. I think you could feel the change in me, because your need for control started extending itself even further. Then our problems and the disconnect got even bigger and we avoided fixing them because at that point, everything felt so fragile… like we were a house of fucking cards ready to collapse with the next breath.
I ran from you when I should've tackled you head on and let the cards fall however they fell. I should’ve fought for us at every corner and at the very minimum given it my absolute everything. At least I’d be able to stand here and say I did every single fucking thing I could. God, I remember that time so clearly… I felt so defeated. I resigned myself to believing things would never be different, that you weren’t willing or cognizant enough to make the necessary changes I'd been passively pleading for. That you’d never recognize all of the hurt you’re capable of blindly causing to me, to us. And I wasn’t aware of my own behavior and its subsequent impact either… I was complaisant and enabling. I made things so much worse with my silence. And ultimately, I let my resentment and bitterness destroy us.
I just felt so alone and unseen by the one who held my heart in her hands. I was married and so deeply in love with my fucking wife, but there I was, agonizingly yearning for a love that started to feel unrequited. If the tremendous love you once felt for me comes even close to the love I have for you, please try to place yourself in my shoes and understand how much you hurt me over the course of those years.”
Both women were barely holding back the tears at this point, each warring with their own guilt, shame and pain.
“What hurts more, no, the most, is that I'm even more at fault in this. If you couldn’t see what was happening and I could, it was up to me to bring it to light by any means. That's what a partnership is… when either side veers off, the other is supposed to stop and get things moving forward again on the right path. I should’ve been stronger, more brave and forthright. I should’ve spoken loud enough to make my voice heard, I should’ve made you see.
I should’ve taken responsibility for my own part in this, but my self awareness just wasn’t there. It was easier to place all of the blame on you than to take a look inward, to admit that I fucked up too. I just felt so lost... I could feel you slipping away and I couldn’t find a way or find it in me to reach you. It felt like you let go, Bette, so I let go too. That was my greatest mistake. I never should have let you go.”
‘Am I fucking hallucinating? Tina can’t be saying what I think she’s saying,’ Bette thought to herself as she tried to ignore the significant spike in her heart rate.
“Tina…. what were your intentions when you showed up tonight, what did you come here to say? I need the bottom line right now.”
This was it. This was the moment that would change their trajectory for better or worse. Tina managed to valiantly swallow the anxiety down, but she failed to still her racing heart.
“I came here to say that I know I’ve lost you... that I’ve callously hurt you beyond measure and that I've ended up breaking my own heart in the process. I came to try to explain some of my choices and feelings, to express my shame, remorse, and the immeasurable depths of my love for you. More importantly, I came to ask you something that I've been holding in like a vault because I didn’t think you'd still…” Tina paused, her breath involuntarily catching in fear.
In just a matter of seconds, Bette saw the distress etch itself on Tina’s face.
“Bette… I’m so fucking scared right now.”
The brunette was about to say something in return, but Tina quickly motioned for her to wait. Ten seconds later, she stepped closer to Bette and continued speaking.
“If there’s a shred of something inside of you, the tiniest of sparks within your heart that still feels something for me… that feels like we still belong to each other, like we’re destined to be… is that part of you enough for you to try and forgive me for the damage I've done, to consider the possibility of giving us another chance… to allow me the opportunity to dedicate the rest of my days to erasing the pain I've caused you?”
..................
This was one of those moments where the music abruptly stops with a screeching halt, all from the sheer magnitude of words that had just been spoken. Who knew that a string of words could be so god damned paralyzing?
Bette had no idea how long she stood there staring into space just absolutely fucking flabbergasted. It was as if she was standing outside of her own body, unable to move, to breathe… her mind powerless in trying to keep up with all that was happening around her.
“Bette? I cant read you right now, so I don’t know if you want me to stay or go… say something, please.”
With eyes wild and confused, Bette looked up at Tina, mouth opening to speak and then closing again with a heavy breath. Needing some time to regain her composure, it was Bette’s turn to lift a hand to silently ask her ex for a moment. Less than a minute had passed, but it felt like an eternity to Tina before Bette finally broke her silence.
“I need you to let me talk this time, so if you could just…”
Tina only nodded in agreement and waited for Bette to continue.
“I have all these what if scenarios running through my mind right now. If I could only go back in time… why couldn’t I see how deeply I’d been hurting you? How could I be so unaware of the fact that we were falling apart, that I’d been neglecting and sidelining you? I mean, it was already too late when I realized how done with me you really were. Why couldn’t you find the courage and foresight to come to some realizations before everything turned to absolute shit?
You have no fucking clue how heartbroken I was when you left… I'm still heartbroken, and scared. Scared that this is a dream and scared that it's real. And I'm angry… I’m so fucking angry. Angry at you for giving up on us the way you did. Angry at myself for taking up so much space and neglecting you, us… for being so far up my own ass and blind to your pain in the first place.
I'm also angry that you’re coming to me with this now after all this time… after all the damage has already been done and I was left to pick up the remnants of the heart you tore to shreds. Do you have any idea how long I’d hoped and prayed for this moment? I had such faith you'd come back to me one day… and then you didn’t. You left me. You divorced me. You made things final, permanent. And then you told me you were getting married to that… person,” Bette not so subtly corrected herself, her spirit tightly seething at the thought of Carrie and Tina’s engagement.
“Now you drop this fucking bomb on me and everything feels so surreal… so staggering. I was finally getting to a place where I felt really good, like I was ready to move on and let you go. Although I have no idea where it stands right now, I had just started seeing someone that I could see myself with long term, someone who could be good for me, to me.
When I asked to speak to you about us, it was to tell you that I’d accepted our fate, that if Carrie was the one who made you happy, I could be happy for you too. I was moving on because I had to, because you had already moved on and were getting married. You were getting fucking married, Tina. You’d already let me go… and I’d been holding on to the dream of you while Pippa represented the possibility of a brighter future. The idea of her and her presence made it easier for me to imagine a future without you. I could move on with her and be happy too.
The sad reality is that even though a part of me will always want to try when it comes to us, another part of me keeps questioning if we should, if it's even worth the heartache. I question whether I’ll be able to trust you… and whether I can trust in myself too. Am I capable of being who you need me to be, of not failing you? Are you strong enough to not run away and force me to see when I fuck up? Because probability and history say that I will.
Over twenty five years you've owned my heart, you were my fucking world and I lost sight of that. I had you back in my life after all the pain I caused you seventeen years ago and I lost you again. What is it in me? How the fuck could I lose you again, Tina?” Bette confessed with impassioned hands flailing and tears spilling from her eyes.
“You’re the only person on earth who has the potential to destroy me. What if we give this a try and you end up leaving me again? I know I wouldn't survive it another time. I barely survived it the last. I don't know what that would do to me mentally and emotionally, what it could do to Angie… so… I don’t… I don’t have an answer for you right now. I need time… and space. I can’t just wrap my head around this in a snap, I need time to let my mind settle, to make sense of this and everything else you’ve said to me tonight.
I’m sure that once I start fully processing, I'll have a hundred different questions for you and things of my own to get off of my chest. But I have to be honest and say that at this point, I don’t know if I have the strength in me to subject myself to trying again, to open my heart up to the possibility.
I don't know... I need time... and it’ll be nearly impossible for me to figure anything out if you're near me. To have you in my presence when my soul can physically feel you whenever we’re in the same room? I mean fuck Tina, it's worse in person, but I have moments where I think of you and I feel you… like a burning and overwhelmingly powerful current that rushes through me all over, and in here,” Bette said pointing at her heart with her hand.
A sigh that sounded both a little pained and relieved escaped Tina's lips. She knew exactly what Bette was talking about… that feeling inside, their connection.
“I know exactly what you mean, Bette. And I can give you what you need… I can give you time, and space. I understand your apprehension and the uncertainty, and I don’t blame you for feeling how you feel. To be honest, when I thought about talking to you tonight, I feared you might immediately tell me to fuck off, so… this isn’t the worst possible outcome. Silver linings and all that, right? I can work with time and space if that’s what you need to process, to find some clarity and come to a decision… I just want to give you what you need from me right now, Bette.”
Bette regarded Tina, registering a sliver of relief within the immense exhaustion present in those hazel eyes she knew all too well. As conflicted as she was about a possible reconciliation, all Bette wanted to do in that moment was wrap Tina in her arms and hold onto her for dear life.
“I feel like my heart’s calling on me to do the same, to give to you in this moment... so tell me T, what do you need right now?”
Tina thought for a second before quickly averting her eyes knowing they’d give her away.
“That’s kind of a loaded question Bette… one I would rather revisit at a later date. What I need isn't possible, at least not right now when you need time and space to figure things out.”
“That doesn’t seem fair.”
“Well, they say all’s fair in love and war, right?”
“Well… thankfully, we’re not at war,” Bette answered with just a hint of a smile.
“Maybe it’s a little of both, I’d say we’re in our greatest battle for your heart, so… this is fair on both counts.”
“Yeah, maybe you have a point. I just don’t want for the imbalance that's existed between us to continue on, Tina. Whether this ends with us together or not, there’s is still a partnership here… I want us to be as fair and open as possible, regardless of the outcome.”
“I agree… my holding back helped to create and magnify this mess and I need to atone for that. And part of that is refusing to hold anything back anymore. I'm not wasting another fucking minute of my life, Bette. When I think about all the pain I've caused by ripping us apart, to you and Angie… myself. I know you both still love me in spite of how horribly I destroyed us, but it’s so difficult to feel deserving of that love.
I pray to one day feel worthy, for the chance to regain all of your love and trust. There aren’t words in existence that can truly describe what you mean to me, but I hope to one day be able to show you all that I feel for you… all that you make me feel. If there’s a one percent chance that we can find our way back and become better partners for ourselves and each other… then I need to take every opportunity and risk everything.
Simply coming here tonight was a risk. Allowing myself to be vulnerable… admitting I was wrong, that I was a coward, that I’ve failed you too, baring my soul to you… that was another. I'm scared of what’ll happen, or what won’t happen. I'm scared that I've already caused too much damage and you'll find you can't even consider the possibility of doing this. At the same time, I feel like I'm fuck it mode. No more regrets. I don’t need any more regrets added to the long list I’ve already saddled myself with.
So I'm here, throwing my heart at your feet because I know that if I don’t, I'll live to regret it for the rest of my life. I love you Bette, a thousand times more than I could ever anyone else… if I make a fool out of myself, so be it. You’re worth the risk, WE are worth every risk.”
Warmed by Tina's words, Bette felt her heart tugging her body towards her, an involuntary response to the intense desire to take the woman in front of her into her arms. Unfortunately, the shrill ringing of her cell phone interrupted Bette just as she was about to step forward.
“Fuck,” she said as she looked at the screen. “I completely forgot about where I was going tonight, I'm already more than an hour late.”
“I'm so sorry Bette, come here,” Tina said as she grabbed Bette’s jacket, holding it open to help her put it on.
“Don’t be sorry,” Bette said softly while sliding her arms through the sleeves. “I honestly wasn’t sure about going tonight and now I feel like I really don’t want to go anymore. Maybe I should just stay home.”
“You should go… it's a big deal. If Angie decides she wants to come home tonight, I'll pick her up, bring her back here and make sure she's settled before heading off. I know there are still some things that we need to discuss, things you probably want to ask, but we can revisit this conversation whenever you’re ready,” Tina said, her hands itching to smooth out the collar on Bette's blazer. “I do have something to give you before you leave, though.”
With determined steps, Tina moved to grab her clutch and quickly unfastened it, pulling out a small envelope tucked neatly within.
“I wrote this earlier today,” Tina said, holding up the envelope. “I planned to give it to you after we spoke. I wasn’t sure how our talk would go or if you'd be open to really hearing me at all, so… you can read it later, tomorrow, whenever. There's no rush,” she added, opening Bette’s blazer to slide the envelope in the inner pocket. “Most of what's in here I've already said to you face to face.”
“Ok,” Bette answered, her eyes unintentionally closing for just the briefest of moments when her ex-wife stood in such close proximity. “Where are you headed? Do you want to come to the show with me tonight?”
‘What the fuck did I just say?’
Bette couldn’t believe she’d just asked Tina that question. It was a terrible idea, but the feeling of being abruptly separated from Tina inspired the spontaneous response, causing her to blurt out those words like a fucking moron.
Tina laughed heartily at Bette's shock before replying, “I think I'll pass. You mentioned earlier that you don’t know where you and Pippa stand... and even though I don't really give a fuck about where you stand, I don’t think she’d appreciate you pulling up with your ex-wife tonight. The last thing I need is another public display of lesbian drama, and like I said before, I’m in fuck it mode. My tolerance for bullshit is in the negative these days and if she’s the type to seek out a confrontation, today’s not the day… it wouldn’t end well for either of us.”
Bette was thankful for the out. She was also strangely turned on at the image of Tina losing her cool and possibly flipping another table or two.
“Yeah, you’re right… are you going home? You’re welcome to stay here and wait for Angie’s call if you want,” the brunette offered as they started moving towards the door.
“No, that’s ok. I booked a hotel room after I left, at The London. I'll be staying there for a few days. I didn't want to risk another run in with Carrie at the house, there's nothing left for her and I to discuss. She knows to pack her things and that I plan to sell immediately. I'll probably go back to the hotel or take a drive to the beach, clear my head a bit.”
Feeling slightly dazed, Bette eyes were trained on swaying hips fluidly stepping past the threshold. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she’d almost walked into Tina when she stopped and turned around at the end of the driveway.
“Drive safely, I hope everything goes well tonight.”
“Thanks. Please be careful Tina, if you need anything call me.”
“I will… you call me if anything too, ok?”
“I will.”
Disheartened that Bette was soon going to see Pippa, Tina watched on from the sidewalk as her ex turned to walk to her car and open the door. For some reason, she couldn't help feeling like her heart was breaking all over again.
“Bette,” she called out to the brunette while jogging back onto the driveway to catch up with her.
Bette turned around quickly, “you ok?”
“No,” Tina answered before adding, “I need to ask you for something before you go.”
“Anything T… what do you need?”
“I think we need to hug this out.”
With an airy laugh and a smile that reached her eyes, Bette motioned with her arms to welcome Tina in.
Slowly, they moved toward each other, both wrapping one arm around a warm shoulder while the other found their home around the waist in front of them. Eyes closed of their own volition once bodies were pressed flush and the familiar scent of home permeated their senses. It was nothing short of divine when Bette felt Tina burrow into her neck, a warm nose and soft lips gently nuzzling at her skin.
Feeling drunk from their current position, Bette buried her own face in the golden locks in front of her and breathed in deeply. A muted gasp escaped Tina’s lips when she felt the intake of breath, until the delicate hand that was holding onto her shoulder entangled itself in her hair. The pulsing of arousal within jarred Tina so strongly that her own hand moved to anchor itself at the nape of Bette’s neck.
Seconds turned into minutes of silence as they basked in the warmth and intensity of their embrace. They stood like this for as long as they could, content to simply breathe each other in and savor every moment. Nothing but the ambient noises of the neighborhood could be heard, until Tina spoke and said the words Bette had just been thinking.
“I love you,” Tina whispered against Bette’s neck.
“I love you too,” Bette replied, hugging the love of her life little tighter.
The usually busy LA streets were oddly devoid of any major congestion, which was great, but Bette felt thankful to be making good time for one reason and one reason only. She hardly knew how she’d been able to drive at all with the envelope that was currently burning a hole in her pocket, but she’d managed fairly well so far. There was no doubt that once she reached the CAC, it would be impossible for her to wait any longer to read whatever was inside.
Less than ten minutes later, Bette had finally arrived and parked her car with less precision than she normally would. Fishing the envelope out of her pocket, she tore into it immediately and unfolded the papers inside, briefly pausing to admire Tina’s handwriting before starting to read.
B,
I'm writing this now without knowing how our conversation will end... I just hope I find the courage to dive in without fear and say all that needs to be said. I hope you do the same, too.
There’s so much pain I’ve caused to those I love and so much regret that my heart has to contend with. I don't think I've ever felt as undeserving and I wouldn’t blame you if you come to the conclusion that our time for reconciliation has passed. I’ve been stuck in this void between the fear of feeling hope and the fear feeling defeat… but no matter the outcome I know that, for me, one thing will always remain true.
You’re ingrained in me Bette, in this life, those that have preceded, and all of the others that have yet to be. Your roots are spread so deeply, as if the very essence of our connection infinitely courses through my veins. I still feel it whenever we’re in the same space, whenever I hear your voice, whenever you exhaust my thoughts. And that feeling in my heart… the palpable magnetism between us? It's alive and exists on its own, like a powerful surge that sparks at the core and explodes outward, only to flow back in through every cell with a fiery blaze. I feel it inside of me, feel you inside of me, and all around me.
God, if words could only truly express all that I feel… I hope to one day find a way to show you exactly that… exactly how much I feel for you, with you, and because of you. I don't know what the future holds, and I'm so afraid to dream, but I do know that I will never love another as intensely and irrepressibly as I love you.
Whether we end up spending the rest of our lives together or apart, please remember this above all else and carry it with you always: I am eternally fated to you, Bette… heart and body indelibly marked with your fingerprints, forever and endlessly tethered to your soul.
Yours entirely,
T
With an ocean of tears blurring her vision, Bette grazed her fingertips almost reverently over the last sentence her ex-wife had written. Just as a single tear spilled over and onto the page, she noticed two faint smudges where Tina’s own tears had spattered across the ink.
There was no other person in existence who could completely dismantle Bette with just a few hundred words written on plain stationary.
No. There could only ever be one…
“Tina…”
After taking some time in the car to compose herself and touch up her make up, Bette walked confidently into the CAC and began working the room with her usual charm. Burying her emotions, she chatted among the guests and members of the press who were all unsurprisingly eager to wax poetic about Pippa and the other artists.
Bette raved about everyone involved and the impact she was sure the pieces would have, repeatedly noting how fortunate the CAC was to showcase such talents. Had this been any other night, she’d be preening from the satisfaction of spearheading yet another successful show. Especially one as meaningful, with an artist as elusive as Pippa and a theme as poignant and socially conscious as it gets.
No, tonight there was only Tina… the heartfelt words she’d written, their shared connection, the look in her eyes as she poured her heart out this evening… the sound of her voice when she said ‘I love you’ right before leaving. There was all of that, along with varied fragments of their conversation that replayed in her mind as she mingled absentmindedly with the guests in attendance.
For the first time in her life, her work façade felt like a heavy burden, one that she had no interest in bearing. All she wanted to do was go home, pour a glass of wine and sit with her fucking thoughts. Maybe talk to Tina some more before taking the time she needed to process.
‘I don’t know how long I can do this tonight,’ Bette said under her breath after she’d excused herself and made a bee line for the bar.
Casually glancing around the space, she noticed Pippa was being interviewed while occasionally observing Bette from a distance. She knew they had to talk, but after talking at length with Tina, the prospect of having an intense conversation with Pippa wasn’t something she looked forward to. Thankful to the press for monopolizing Pippa’s time, it would take another thirty minutes and one glass of wine before she’d have to face that problem.
“When you didn't answer my call I assumed you weren’t coming tonight,” Pippa said as she approached Bette from behind.
“I’m sorry I was late,” she answered once Pippa stood next to her. “With the way we left things, I spent all day debating on whether or not I should even come tonight. When I finally made the decision to attend, something else came up and… anyway, I'm here.”
“I'm glad you decided to make an appearance, albeit almost two hours late… talk about taking fashionably late to the extreme. You missed a great speech by the way,” Pippa answered with a little attitude.
“Yeah, I'm sure I did. I wasn’t going for dramatic effect by arriving late, there was… somewhat of a family emergency. I don't think I'll be staying too long here tonight.”
“An emergency? Is your daughter ok?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. It's just… so much has happened over the last few days with Marcus’ passing and, other things. It's been emotionally draining for all of us. We’ll work through it.”
“I assume you’re including Tina in that ‘us’ and ‘we’.”
“Yes… Tina’s included. Especially whenever an unexpected situation arises that affects us as a family. She’s a permanent fixture in my life, I’ve already told you this. Together or not she’ll always be included, I hope you understand that.”
“I do, but I don't like it. I told you that you and Tina make me feel some kind of way, and that hasn’t changed. There’s an energy, or a vibe there between you that’s disconcerting.”
“I understand, but the reality is that Tina will be in my life forever and I don’t know what I can do to help change how you feel about that. She’s my daughter’s other mother and will always be an important part of my life. She’s family.”
“That’s all fine and well, but where are the boundaries, Bette? You're either divorced and done with it or divorced and still carrying around a fucking torch. I know plenty of couples that have broken up or divorced and none of them remained as involved or opinionated in each other’s lives as the two of you once they parted ways. Even if they had children, and your child is nearly an adult.
You can call it a co-parenting situation all you want, but after that embarrassing debacle with her fiancé last night I’d argue there’s more than a familial bond that exists between the two of you. I'm not blind... her fiancé’s obviously not blind… and I'm not saying you’re fucking her, but to call it unfinished business would be a severe understatement.”
“I don't know what you want me to say, Pippa. It's… complicated.”
“Hmm. I would say so. It seems to me like neither of you have been able to cut the cord.”
Bette froze for a second, internally weighing whether or not to involve Pippa any further. Ultimately, she decided to just throw it out there and go with the truth.
“Pippa, I want to be honest with you because I know the best way to move forward is with the truth, so… Tina and I recently had a very intense conversation. One that opened my eyes to some things I’ve always had a hard time seeing. A lot was said, and felt, and our conversation later turned to her expressing an interest in rekindling our relationship. I told her I couldn't give her an answer right now and that I needed time to wrap my head around the mere thought of it. It’s a lot to take in right when I'd been feeling like I was ready to move on to the next chapter, to move on with you.
Meeting you and spending time with you awakened something in me, and it feels invigorating and exciting, but… there's a lot of history between Tina and I. Both bad and good. And there’s a connection we share that’s so fucking hard to explain. I think that's the energy you feel between us… you aren’t the first person to comment on it, you’re one of countless.
You said we haven’t cut cord, and you’re right. In some ways we’re forever bound with ties that can’t be severed. That’s why the future course of action as it pertains to a twenty plus year relationship isn't something that can be decided in a few minutes, days or weeks. Right now, I'm at a loss and still processing. Part of me wants to try and part of me doesn’t. I don't know what to do or what to else to tell you, because if things with Tina were complicated before our conversation, they've now been blown to enigmatic proportions.”
“You see, that’s where we disagree. I was under the impression that since you’re divorced, there was no romantic relationship between the two of you that should be up for discussion. If not, why the hell did we get involved in the first place? And if things with Tina are as complicated as you say, then I think you already know where you stand with her. Tell me, how does her fiancé feel about this?”
“Ex fiancé … and I wouldn’t know how she feels, but I'm sure she continues to wish me dead.”
“Ex fiancé, of course… let me ask you… the family emergency tonight? Was it this talk you had with Tina?”
“Yes.”
A laugh escaped Pippa’s lips.
“This is unreal. I’d think that a conversation with your ex wouldn’t be as important as attending this event that YOU wanted to have, the one you fought tooth and nail for. You feel you might be ready to move forward, Bette, but I don’t think you’re even close to being ready for something serious. Honestly, I don't think you're open to spending your life with anyone other than Tina. If so, you would've been here tonight instead of hanging on her every word… and you definitely wouldn’t need time to think things through if you were over her.”
“Having that conversation was important to Tina, Pippa, and it was important to me. I’ve already apologized to you for not being here earlier, but I'm not…”
Bette’s phone chimed in that moment breaking her train of thought and causing her to almost frantically dig in her pocket. Quickly reading Angie’s text, she shut the screen before turning her attention back to Pippa.
“Is that her?”
“No, it's Angie. I have to get going, she needs to be picked up,” Bette answered before another text notification was heard.
Bette opened it and smiled in amusement as she read Tina's response.
T: Copy, 15 min out. Come prepared for carpool karaoke.
An image arrived immediately after of Tina behind the wheel and singing her heart out into a tiny microphone, followed by a string of emojis sent by Angie. Bette’s entire face lit up at Tina’s display and a light fluttering of butterflies was felt within.
“THAT was Tina,” Pippa said with unmasked emphasis and intonation, “wasn't it? You’re entire fucking demeanor just changed so please don’t deny it.”
Bette’s mouth motioned to speak, but decided against it. There wasn’t a need to confirm or deny, the answer was glaringly obvious. Maybe nothing more needed to be said at this point.
“On that note, you said you need to get going, so go. I hope you and your wife figure things out before you end up completely destroying each other and everyone else around you. Call me if you decide to wake up… I might wait a while, but not for long.”
Bette shook her head as she watched Pippa storm off in a huff.
“Fuck this,” she said to herself before downing the rest of her wine and placing the glass down. Straightening her shoulders, Bette strode off toward the exit adamantly determined to violate many a traffic regulation over the course of the next twenty minutes. She needed to get home in time to speak Tina.
“It feels really nice tonight…” Angie remarked, absently playing with the rings on Jordi’s left hand.
“Yeah, feels perfect."
A cool breeze danced against their skin as they waited on the worn porch steps for Tina.
"So it’s like, official?” Jordi asked, still a bit shocked at the news she recently learned. “Your mom really isn’t getting married to Carrie?”
“Yep, that's what she said.”
“That’s crazy… do you know what caused the break up?”
“I have a general idea, but I’m not exactly sure… my mom wants to talk tomorrow so I guess I'll know more then. It was probably my mama B’s presence though. They share something special, you can like, feel it when you're around them. My aunts say it all the time, too, there’s just, this thing between them. That can’t be easy to deal with… for Carrie or my moms either. It’s like, they pretend they’re good, like everything's fine, but underneath all the bullshit, not being together is killing them both… it’s almost painful to watch.”
“Wow… do you think your moms will end up getting back together?” Jordi asked in a hopeful tone.
“I don't know, I think B was kinda seeing someone, but…,” Angie squeezed Jordi’s hand a little tighter. “I know they're still in love with each other, you can see it from a mile away even though they try to hide it… but there's also a lot of pain mixed in with all the love, too. If they do decide to go for it, they need to get it right this time.”
“Yeah. Better pain than regret though. If they love each other like you and other people say they do, I don't think their story’s over… so I hope one of them has the guts to profess their undying love sooner rather than later. No risk, no reward, right?”
“Yeah,” Angie gave thought to Jordi’s statement. “That was kind of insightful.”
Sharing a smile, they looked up at the few stars barely visible in the night sky and a calming silence enveloped them. Jordi lifted up Angie’s hand, giving it a sweet kiss, but it wasn't long before their peace was interrupted by the car fast approaching.
“I wonder who’s blasting the Spanish music?” Jordi asked curiously.
“That's my mom, she’s a big Kany Garcia fan," Angie answered with a smile. "I'll call you tomorrow k,” she added, placing a chaste kiss on the corner of her girlfriend’s mouth before jogging toward her mother.
Highly amused by how loudly Tina was playing her music, Angie jumped in to the passenger seat and quickly joined in on the chorus she was currently belting.
🎤 Ya no más mentiras, si me muero de deseos, yo te quiero más que a todo, necesito de tus besos. Le haces falta a mis días; mas, sin ti no sé qué hacer, qué hacer sin ti?🎤
She missed times like these. Tina could be so carefree and silly when she wanted to and Angie loved every minute of it.
Taking turns picking different tracks to sing to, they drove the long way back to Bette’s and had a little mother daughter ridiculousness session. A little Beyoncé, Fleetwood Mac, Jackie Wilson. Tina’s musical tastes were varied and her library of songs was certainly a reflection of that. They'd bonded over their shared love for music and swapped their collections via iCloud weekly.
Almost at the house, they were so wrapped up in harmonizing with Lady Gaga that they hadn’t noticed that it was Bette’s Tesla ahead of them until it pulled into the driveway.
“Hey, was that B ahead of us? I thought she was going to that thing tonight,” Angie asked in confusion.
“She did… maybe she called it an early night,” Tina answered, a little confused herself.
Parking behind Bette, they exited the car to join her in the driveway.
“Hi mom, I didn’t expect you to be home so early.”
“I wasn’t really up to it. I should’ve listened to my instincts and not gone at all, but at least I showed my face, mixed and mingled with the VIPs. I just didn’t feel inclined to stay any longer,” Bette said, maintaining eye contact with Tina as she spoke that last sentence.
“Cool,” Angie replied shortly, picking up on the stare down her mothers were currently taking part in. “I'm gonna go to bed. I'll see you in the morning, and I'll see you for breakfast at ten mama T,” Angie added, waving to Tina before heading into the house.
“Hey you,” Tina said as she approached Bette.
“Hey… you look cozy,” Bette commented, taking in the outfit Tina had changed into. The slate grey joggers looked so soft and comfortable as did the white long sleeved top that hung loosely enough to expose a pale shoulder. What really completed the outfit for Bette were the flip flops that put her adorable little toes on display.
“Yeah, I went back to the hotel, took a quick shower and was about to head out and grab something to eat when Angie sent her text. I wasn’t expecting to see you here, I figured you'd still be out,” Tina said as she studied Bette. “Are you ok? Did something…”
“No…,” Bette cut in, “and yes. For the first time at one of these events, all I wanted to do was rush out of there and come back home. I drove here like a woman possessed, ran a few red lights and a couple of stop signs in the process. I was hoping to get here before you left for the night so I could ask if you... do you want to come in? Maybe we can continue our conversation over a glass of wine?"
Bette’s words glazed over Tina’s entire being like warm molasses. She could do nothing to stop the smile from forming on her face at the thought of her ex-wife rushing home like a madwoman just to see her.
“I’d love to...."
Rather than answering with words, Bette smiled shyly and held her hand out for Tina to take. Without hesitation, Tina threaded their fingers together, both reveling in the rush that soon followed.
To be continued…
Authors note: Please let me know what you think, comments are sincerely appreciated 😘