He couldn't understand him.
And he wouldn't even try to understand, Simon thought angry, while he tried to sort some things in the kitchen cabinet, he heard Amy behind him. „You and Kieren had fought.‟, she said slowly, what made him look sceptical at her. „Did he tell you?!‟ Simon frowned at this, but then Amy shook her head and walked toward him. „No. But you have this expression on your face, whenever you two argue. And it does look sad.‟
„I am not sad about him. I just can not understand, why he is so damn frustratingly naive.‟, he turned from Amy, to walk back into his room, as he heard her soft sigh. „Did Kieren told you how he died?‟, she whispered in a way, that made him stop in his track. Slowly Simon turned around and watched Amy settle against the kitchen table. Her face wore so much sorrow, it would have made his insides clench, if they still could. Yet she did not say anything, so he breathed deep in, even if he did not needed to.
„I could see … on his forearm.‟, he answered silently, whereupon Amy nodded. „You know, in the therapy lessons on the centre there were many – such a scary amount of people who took their life. And everyone of them is always telling the same thing.‟ Simon couldn't move. „They felt in their last moments so much fear and regret about doing it. But not … you wanna know, what he felt, in his last moments?‟ He did not wanted to know. And yet, he couldn't move. „Relief. Simon. He felt relief. No fear. No … regret about letting his family behind or leaving a life, that could have held such an amazing future for him.‟
Simon had tried not to think about, why Kieren did what he did back then. He did not ask, like the younger has done it on the fence about Simon. And it wasn't because he did not wanted to know, but more like … the thought had hurt, as he saw the deep scar. Amy was right. On his therapy too were many suicide people and some scars weren't so deep or thoughtful set like Kierens.
And suddenly …
„Why?‟, he asked without hearing his own voice as he stared at Amy. And what she told him … made him understand the younger one more, than he wished for.
It made him wish – later – as he lay in his bed, that this Rick Macy was still alive. Just to make this idiot regret hurting Kieren with this behaviour. Simon never had real friends in his living life. And he never had someone dear to him in the way Kieren seemed to love this Macy boy. But even he knew, that telling someone you love him, only to do the opposite the next second was cruel. Especially if you couldn't admit what you were feeling.
And as if the first time loosing someone like that wouldn't hurt enough, the Macy father killed his risen son in his front yard. Right before Rick seemed to realize, what he really wanted. That he wanted to be together with Kieren. Just because Bill Macy believed his son would be rise again – only this time not … not sick, Amy had whispered in such an disgust about, what Kieren had told her …
Sick because he loved a young man.
Simon closed for a moment his eyes. Angry and feeling raw from what she told him. Suddenly he wished, he would have used different words, than those he said to Kieren. Maybe if he said it in a different way, Kieren would give him a chance to see the possibilities of a new future for them.
He debated how he should confront Kieren tomorrow, as he heard a loud and desperate knocking against the wood of the front door. Immediately he rose from his bed and walked to the door. For one second he just registered someone rushing past him, as soon as the door was open and it was Kieren … „What's the matter? What happened?‟ Simon saw his expression. Near to furious, desperate and so … lost, but before he could press for an answer, he was gripped and …
On instinct he raised his hands, only to lay them into Kierens soft neck. Everything he has felt until this moment – all his anger and pain and frustration – left him just by the soft press of Kierens lips against his own. He was careful on the way he was kissing him back, because for a moment Simon feared, the younger one would come to his senses and ran away in the same way, as he came in. But he did not. And Simon – fuck – he would not stop kissing this damn beautiful boy.
„Mornin'.‟ Kieren greeted slowly his father Steve, who sat in the grass, only to look up to them and smile happily. „Ah, good morning you two. And how was it – no, don't tell me – I want to see it myself. But do not tell your mother. She's not so thrilled for such themes.‟ Simon felt his mouth drop open in shock, while Kieren next to him stepped a little closer to him. „You – what in the hell?!‟ Kieren swore, Steve blinked confused and all Simon could think about, was Kierens soft hitching voice underneath his ear, as he touched him not even a few hours before.
„There you are. Jesus. For undead people you are such a lazy folk. I have told dad about you're movie night with this nerdy films about superheroes and villains.‟, Jem told them, while walking down the front stairs. After what had happened, she finally seemed to get some sense back, that it wasn't Kieren she should be angry about. And that it wasn't her brothers fault. With the new context what Steve meant, Simon felt it nearly easy to smile a little bit. „Ah – yes. Thank you, Jemima, I have forgotten to ask if Kieren may stay with me. Sorry.‟, he still felt so new in the whole affair of dealing with parents. Especially the one of his … partner? Simon looked at Kieren, who watched Jem with some sort of carefulness.
„Oh, it's okay. As soon, as Jem said that Kieren is staying with you, we knew he was safe.‟ Steve still smiled at Simon in a way, that made him a little bit uneasy. They were so nice toward him and accepting about Kieren being in a relationship with Simon, without even knowing what sort of past he had. He was a ex drug addict, who used to fuck for his next shot. And as if this wasn't enough, he nearly killed Kieren himself.
„Why don't we go inside and have some breakfast together ...‟ With a soft smile Steve got up from the ground and knocked off the dirt from his jeans, while inviting them inside. Simon opened his mouth to answer, but again it was Kieren who shrugged and looked away from Jem, who was still watching them. „O'couse. Watching you eat is our most enjoyable thing of the day.‟ One day Kieren would get his arse whipped for being so sarcastic, as he was. But right now, Simon loved him for this so much, as he did for the first time, as Kieren had invited him into lunch. What a day that was.
Steve ignored his sarcasm with a still soft smile, as he walked back inside. Together they followed him, meeting Jem on the front stairs, who suddenly smirked at Kieren. „You owe me big.‟
„For what exactly?‟, Kieren returned without blinking while Simon looked past her to Steve, who had gone into the kitchen. „Oh please. As if I wouldn't know what you two are doing. I am older than you, Kieren. And so it's my responsibility to make sure that our parent's do not worry about you losing your precious virginity.‟ A little shocked he looked back at her. „What the – you want to kiddy me!‟, Kieren swore and Simon could swear he saw his cheeks colouring. But of course it was impossible. Even if … maybe not forever.
Smirking she shrugged. „A little bit.‟ Jem turned with this, only to look up to him in an amused smile. „But not 'bout Kierens virgin ass.‟
„Jem you little fuck!‟, Kieren stormed after her and while Sue tried to get some sense into her kids, Simon couldn't help but smile. If this was, what it felt to be part of an accepting family, then he never felt better.
„I am really sorry.‟, Kieren muttered for the forth time, on their way back to Simons bungalow, but he couldn't get rid of his smile. „Stop it, Kieren. It's nothing you need worry about.‟
„Seriously?!‟ Simon stopped and frowned a little bit at Kierens disbelieving expression in which he was looking him into the eyes. „Simon. They have invited you to play Monopoly. That's … just one step away from buying new matching family jumpers in green and orange – marking us as in accepting you being Irish and – what the hell – why are you grinning so idiotic at me?!‟ He couldn't help himself. With a soft smirk he pulled Kieren to his side and pressed a soft kiss on his temple. „'cause your family is the most freakish and yet loveliest I have ever met.‟
The way his beautiful was looking at him, made him smile only more. „They love you, Kieren. I even believe, that they love you just as much, as I do. If that's even possible.‟ He whispered softly, while Kieren shook his head slowly and huffed in frustration. „You're crazy, Simon. I should have known it's contagious. They have infected my boyfriend, for fucks sake. That's not – I am sorry, but inviting your boyfriend into Monopoly isn't love. Monopoly is the most common reason for family murder. They invited you seriously into murder. Especially because mom is always cheating in boardgames and I am sure dad have seen you as his card into freedom.‟
Simon laughed suddenly out loud, because he couldn't help himself any more. He felt so … light and carefree, he did not even saw the way, Kieren stared at him. „Murder – Jesus Christ, Kieren ...‟ He sniggered for another long moment, and it was then, as he got aware of the fact that he … that he never … In pure shock he turned to Kieren, who stared at him with wide eyes, just before he pressed the younger against the lantern behind him and kissed him breathless.
„Fuck you're so … I never saw you laughing before.‟ Kieren whispered against his lips between two kisses, nipping on his jaw and Simon bit his lips to hold his moan. The pure imagination what those lips could make … „Disturbing?‟, he asked while Kieren kissed the spot underneath his right ear, just to pull back and looking at him with an expression, that made him hunger for more. „Beautiful. And now let's get back to your fucking bungalow, so I can do that thing you did this night with your tongue.‟ Simon had done many things with his tongue, but as Kierens right brow rose, he felt his insides at this insight tingle. „Fuck yes!‟
They never made it so fast to his bedroom, as they did this evening.
„You' sure, we shouldn't ask Russo take a look at this?‟, Simon asked silently against Kierens neck, while he stroked with his thumb careful over Kierens forearm. The scar was only a breath away from a slight pinkish edge. With a soft sigh, the younger slid with his right hand underneath Simons and threaded their fingers together. „I'm sure. It's … what if it's just nothing?‟
„And what if this is everything?‟ He asked back only to wrap his other arm a little bit more around Kierens form. It felt so disturbing good how perfect he was fitting into his arms. „Look ...‟, Kieren began and Simon braced himself, for what may come. It was always starting with look … before they began to argue. „I do not want anyone knowing about this happening, before we're really sure this is happening. Because after what happened to Amy, I am sure it's just their excuse to start their fucking experiments again.‟
Suddenly he understood.
Immediately Simon withdraw from their position and nudged Kieren softly on his back, so he could look him in the eyes. „No. I would never let them set a finger on you! Do you hear me?‟
Under his earnest gaze he could see the way Kierens brow furrowed, before his expression turned angry. „You're so stupid sometimes. Holy fuck, Simon! I don't fucking care what they would do to me. I care about you, you idiot! You're with me. They fucking experimented on you, while you were totally aware of everything. Jesus.‟ He watched the way Kieren suddenly pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, just as his delicate frame gave a little shake and Simon felt his eyes phantom like tingle at this sight. „They have … used you in a way that's not – and left you open. They think 'bout us as monsters, but they are the real monsters, Simon.‟
Simon could see the way Kierens hands began to shake, so he sat a little bit up, just to take hold of his beautiful artist hands, only to freeze for a second, as he saw the soft glistening of Kierens eyes and the way, he was looking at him. With so much pain. And so much … so much fear. „I do not care about me, Simon. But thinking about them, taking you ...‟ There was another little shake and then he watched a greyish, liquid tear fall from Kierens eye and it felt thousand times worse than being strapped on this table, seeing Kieren cry for him. „I'm not letting this happen again to you. I promise you!‟, cried the younger suddenly what made him embrace him so hard, Simon felt like they shook together.
„I promise you!‟ Kieren whispered broken over and over again wetly against his neck, while he hold him hard and secure. Never he believed more into someone.
„How do I look?‟
„Beautiful.‟, Simon said with a soft smile, what only made Kieren roll with his eyes. „Like every day, Kieren. Happy?‟ Turning around from him, Kieren walked into the Walker house, where Simon helped him out of his thick coat. „I am not unhappy, thank you very much.‟
Sarcastic little shit, he thought while he took off his own coat, followed by his shoes and couldn't help, looking at Kierens ass as he was bending down to get off the thick boots. „Hey. Not in front of my parents.‟, Kieren hissed and Simon smirked a little bit. „I do not see your parents here, my love.‟ Without breaking their eye contact, Kieren called for them. „Mom, dad? Simon's with me.‟
His brow rose inviting just one second before Kieren reached around his neck and kissed him. Smiling against the soft lips, Simon kissed back with the same love and felt a new spark of some sort of arousal spiking.
Simon didn't knew when or how, but after some minutes he could find himself between Kierens impossible long and beautiful legs, where they lay together on the soft and little worn out couch in the bright living room. Still kissing each other like they used to since this first one on that evening. Sometimes he wondered if it maybe would get boring, just to kiss each other, without the real feel of wetness or heat. Maybe he wondered, because in the past he wasn't so keen to kiss at all. But for them he did not feel anything at all. And it didn't even left him in a arousing state. Kissing Kieren however felt for Simon as if he was alive.
With his fingertips he stroked over Kierens right hipbone. Rubbing with his thumb over the one place, where his skin was stretched so delicately, it looked and felt like pure white porcelain. „Simon ...‟, whispered Kieren breathless underneath him, in the same moment, as the frontdoor opened.
„Oh look, the boys are home.‟ Sue said just as Kieren abruptly sat up with such an force, that Simon fell from the couch, against the coffee table. „Hey – we – we were waiting for you to come home.‟ Kieren tried to explain, but with his ruffled strawberry blond hair and Simons startled appearance it wasn't really hard to guess, what they did while they were waiting … Jesus.
While Sue looked a little bit too amused for Simons taste, it was Steve, who looked from Simon to Kieren and then slowly back. „Did you boys had an argument?‟ Amused, Sue took Steve around his shoulders and told him silently, that no, they did not had a fight. And yet Simon thought would be easier to explain, than what they really did on their couch.
Especially after Steve sat a few minutes later, a little bit uneasy in the armchair, that seemed to be Sue's.
„Do you need help in the kitchen?‟, Simon tried, but in the very same moment Sue came back, with a green tray with three teacups and they all were painted with dark green shamrocks. „Thank you, my dear, but look at this. I saw it on the internet with Jem and just needed to have it.‟
While Simon opened his mouth, to find the right words, Kierens eyes looked like he wanted to say, I told you so. „It's … nice. Very … special.‟, he said and wanted in the same time smack his hand against his forehead, because he felt so stupid. Damn it – he was Simon Monroe and could talk everyone into everything. But holding just one normal conversation with the parents of the boy he loved so much, he failed every fucking time.
„It is, it is, my dear. Especially since we wanted to ask you two something. Or more like …‟ Sue sat down at the armrest next to Steve and looked at said, before Kierens father continued. „Jem will leave in a few months for the college in Edinburgh and since her' and Kier's rooms are next to each other, we thought, we could make one room out of this two and …‟ Simon felt Kieren next to him shifting and Sue spoke further. „We love having you both here and so we wanted to -...‟
„Simon asked me to move in with him.‟, Kieren told them suddenly and Simon blinked a little bit perplexed. He remembered telling Kieren, he would love to live with him. But clearly asking … oh. Amazed about this, he could just look at the younger, while Sue and Steve seemed both a little bit out of words.
„So you're both really … officially?‟, Steve asked slowly, what made Kieren roll his eyes in affection. „Yes, dad. I do not really know, what for you is officially, but yes, we're together like being in a relationship and I - … we ...‟ Simon looked down at their hands, as Kieren thread his fingers through his. „We love each other.‟
For one moment he feared it was a little bit too much for one evening. First they caught them snogging on the couch and now they killed a really nice offer. „I am sorry. It is a nice offer of you both and I feel really honoured to be always so welcomed by you. But just like Kieren told you. We love each other and after everything, we want to make the next step in our relationship.‟
„Oh gosh ...‟, Sue whispered before she covered her mouth in a little sob. „My little darling grows up.‟, she sobbed happily while standing up and just as he thought, Sue would embrace her son her arms wrapped instead around Simon. A little helpless he looked at Kieren, who just smiled and let go of his hand, for returning the warm embrace. It was the first time since … since ever, that he felt a human embrace him. And it reminded him so much of his own mother, that the uprising feelings nearly crushed through him.
Kieren who seemed to realize his suddenly changing mood, retract his mother gently from Simon. „Please, mom, let him go. Jesus.‟ Instantly he got up and left the living room, before he would lose it in front of them. Simon felt breathless, as he leant heavy on the kitchen counter and let his head fall between his arms. His eyes burned and his chest … there was a aching pain, he hadn't felt in years – exactly not since his rising.
From where he stood he could hear Kieren telling his mother to give Simon more space, but it hurt to crave something that wasn't meant for him.
„Kieren had told us you lost your mother.‟ A little bit startled Simon turned around and looked at Steve, who stood in front of him. Looking a little bit helpless and insecure. And it was then, when he remembered what Kieren has told him about his parents. That they always cared. Even if you wanted or needed space. They just couldn't because they cared sometimes too much. „Yes.‟, he whispered and yet, whatever this aching pain was, it made his voice broke. „... killed her.‟ Simon felt his knees buckle under the weight of the pain and before he fell, Steve held him by his shoulders and stared at him with wide eyes. „I … I rose and came home … I came and I ...‟ He did not remember and god he should be happy not to, but … and there was something on his face. Wet and hot and … „It's not – not your fault, Simon.‟ Steve said silently, while pressing his fingers deeper into his shoulders. Holding him upwards, while the weight of his rising pain began to crush him.
„I killed her and I ...‟ … nearly killed Kieren, he sobbed in his mind, before Steve embraced him and just as he saw Kieren storm into the kitchen, they sank to the floor, where he held onto someone human. Someone … who cared more for him, than he ever thought it would be possible for a human.
„It's not your fault, Simon‟, Steve told him gentle, while holding him in such a strong grip, he could feel his warmth. „You came home, because it was your first instinct for searching a save place. But that doesn't make you guilty.‟ Simon took a shuddering breath in the same moment as Kieren sank down in front of him and touched his cheeks lovingly. „Told you. It wasn't your fault, my love.‟ Letting go of Steve, Simon nearly crushed into Kieren, who embraced him, without touching his back, but instead the back of his head and stroking through his hair, until the aching pain left him.
It took it's time and when Simon felt like himself again, he wished he could crawl into the next deep grave and never come out again. Maybe Kieren wanted to come with him, he thought ashamed about his breakdown. „How bad is it?‟, he whispered against Kierens soft neck, who still stroked him through his hair. „The worst.‟ Simon buried his fingers deeper into Kierens cardigan in fear. „They probably want to adopt you.‟
Simon blinked slowly, before he slowly leaned back, so he could look into Kierens eyes. Swallowing he touched his loves face, where he slid with his thumb careful underneath Kierens left eye, where he saw dry flecks of grey tears. „Sarcasm again?‟, he asked, but his love just shook his head. „No. They love you very much, Simon. Believe me, I know … Mom will never live it down, that she brought you to tears, just from embracing you and dad … well, he's dad. He is very sensitive if someone hurt us. So … your father he should hope never meeting him.‟
His mind was reeling.
„I cried tears?‟, he asked in disbelieve just as Kieren slowly stroked with his thumb underneath his eye and showed him the dark grey flecks on his skin with a sad smile. „You're a messy crier, let me tell you.‟, Kieren told him in the only way, that said they would never let Simon deal with this alone. So it really was happening. Whatever happened with Amy and still with Kieren, started now on him. Shocked he looked into his lovers eyes and just as he realized he should feel scared, Simon felt hope.
And he smiled.
~*~ End ~*~