Kieren did not understand what was happening to him.
He could deal with the local people - knew what shallow and sometimes prejudiced people they were. However, it was not very difficult, because he had grown up with them. Therefore, he could ignore them. Their insults towards him did not hurt him for a long time. No matter whether they were related to his character or his appearance. The fact of not being fully alive now, well ... that added many ways to insult him, they were still not new.
However, what was happening around him was something completely different and it made him so ... so angry.
So as he watched one of their own being captured like a wild animal and tied onto a van, something inside him snapped. That one little piece inside him that he had completely buried with Rick and all at once throbbed so violently - he couldn't think straight.
He couldn't ...
Except, all at once, there was Simon's voice in his head. His words ...
Before Kieren was even aware of where he was, he was already knocking hard on the door behind which he wished for clarity. Clarification, an answer, something, just ...
„What's the matter? What happened?!‟ Ignoring the dark voice, Kieren stormed into the bungalow. He felt breathless, even with the difference that he did not need to breath any more. And yet, he could swear he could feel his heart beating up his throat, as he turned from the dark living room away, to Simon, who was looking at him with so much concern …
At the one second he wanted to ask for Amy, as his inner voice suddenly whispered that this … this was something new.
This wasn't like with Rick, who would have pulled him outside, because of his fear to get caught with him by Bill.
Who hadn't let him storm inside like that.
Rick who wouldn't touched him out in the open, like Simon had just yesterday at the fire.
Or who would look at him like …
Just one fucking second ticked by, before he rushed forward and reached clumsy for the Hoodie the older was wearing, ere he pushed himself up to his toes and kissed him.
He couldn't believe, that he was kissing Simon. And just as their lips were touching, Kieren feared for a hard push against his shoulders. Like in the past, when he tried to do this with … – but it did not come. Instead he felt the soft touch of fingertips against his jaw, and Simons lips gently moving against his own. Turning his desperate kiss into something that send an intense feeling through his fucking dead body.
Long fingers slid into his neck, where he used to be very sensitive. Instinctive he moved his head forward, what made Simon take a step back and Kieren him to follow, because he did not wanted to stop kissing him. Simon for fucks sake. Simon, who was so so damn attractive and charming and … who could kiss in a way, it stopped his spinning mind completely.
Every fear about not being good enough.
Every thought about being alone and lost in a cause, he felt like an intruder, because he did not belong as a human just as he did not as a undead.
Even this deep ache inside his gut, that hurt so much, that he hasn't thought, it would ever stop …
So for the first time Kieren just felt himself without any fears or insecurities.
His hard grip around the Hoodie began to go slack, as Simon slowly moved forward more into his space, what made him rising his head a little bit more. Kieren felt like on autopilot, kissing the brunet deeper and gently touching Simon at his waist, not daring to touch him anywhere else, and yet it felt so so good – the soft caress of Simons fingertips against his neck, as if he didn't dared himself to touch him more. And yet Kieren knew, he would let Simon do anything with him. This thought should make him stop this instantly. But he could not. And he did not wanted to stop.
Kieren had lost any sense of time, as he felt Simon deepen the kiss, just to pull away slowly. So slowly that he followed the motion for one moment. Feeling scarred that, as soon as the soft lips would vanish, Kieren would again get hound by his deep insecurities. But as he felt Simons thumb softly touching his lips, he opened his eyes and if his heart would still be beating, Kieren knew, it would stand still from the emotion in Simons milky white eyes.
There, right in front of him, was so much love and yet so much fear, it made Kieren want, to say all the things, everyone of his family had once tried on him to say. But he knew that words weren't strong enough, to tell, what he wanted Simon to know. So he did it in the only way, that mattered for them both.
He raised his right hand and touched Simons left cheek softly with his fingertips. For this he wished suddenly for a deeper sense of feeling in his fingers. And yet, it felt so beautiful to touch someone he liked in a way, Kieren had never believed, he would ever feel again so much.
There were so many things in his mind, what he wanted to say.
And yet …
Everything Kieren could do, was, to lean up again toward the older and kissed his soft cool lips with his own. And this time it wasn't in sheer desperate, nor clumsy, but just telling him everything, he did feel for Simon.
His hands shook.
But this time wasn't because he was kissing Simon. It wasn't like all those weeks back, as they kissed for the very first time. No. This time it was different. Kieren could tell, because he himself did feel different. He was scared it was because of the Blue Oblivion. Maybe he hadn't fought it off completely. But Simon said, that he never saw someone, who could fight it. And he believed him, when he told Kieren, he wouldn't need to fear for an after effect.
„You okay?‟ Lost in his thoughts, Kieren had forgotten about Simon sitting next to him and watching Kieren painting him. „Yes … yes 'corse.‟, he whispered just as he was standing up and walking without any other word into Amys old room, where Simon talked him into sort of a own art study, since he did not have something like that at home.
There he put away his sketchbook – with special care so that the paint could dry – and placed his brush into a special thinner for the paint he was using. There he just stood and watched the paint slowly mixing in colourful clouds with the once clear thinner. Watching the two liquids mixing had something, that made him think about what happened with Amy. And if there was a possibility …
„Kieren.‟ Simons soft voice pulled him from his thought. Slowly he turned toward the brunet, who just stood merely inches from him. „Do you want to talk about it?‟, he was asked in the same moment, as he felt Simons fingertips grazing his cheeks. It was always gentle and so so soft with the older, that Kieren couldn't stop himself from falling deeper and deeper with him. Sometimes he wondered, if he would ever come to the ground of these feelings. Because it was so much different than what he had felt for Rick.
For one moment he was tempted just to make up something. But … he made Simon swore to him, if there was anything that was bothering the older man, that Kieren wanted to know it. Especially no telling half truths. Because …
So Kieren broke their eye contact, because he suddenly felt insecure about this. And speaking it out loud. „I feel … different.‟, he whispered, what made Simon slip his fingers a little bit deeper into his neck, just as he felt the soft tips of his thumbs brush underneath his chin, so he was again looking up into soft and caring looking milky white eyes. „What do you mean with different? Do we need to see Doctor Russo?‟
Alone the way Simon was saying do we need … made Kieren against aware of the fact, how much and deep Simon was caring for him. And for one moment he could swear to feel something in his stomach. The brunet seem to recognize his insecure and shifted slowly a little bit closer, what made Kieren feel his soft breath on his cheek. „I'm not sure. It's not … I do not feel any pain or … it is just … do you know phantoms pain?‟ He asked, while he gained a little bit security back and touched Simon on his broad chest in a way, that grounded him deeply.
„Hmhm.‟ Simon made a low sound in the back of his throat, before his fingers slowly slid from his neck down over his shoulder blades and with that he found himself in a soft and so beautiful embrace. Instantly Kieren closed his eyes and let his head sink against Simons shoulder, where he could cuddle into his too big and – sadly – to ugly jumper. But it felt incredibly soft underneath his dead skin and so he could nothing but enjoy this moment.
„So … no pain. But what else? Sensations?‟, asked Simon quiet against the top of his head, where he could feel him burring his nose into his slightly uncombed hair and breathing him in, what made him again feel this not-feeling in his stomach. „Yes. You know, like … when you were alive and you stood too near on a cliff, looking down and ...‟ Maybe this wasn't the best description of what he was feeling, because neither did he wanted to throw himself into death, nor did he felt any fear rising. It was just … this warm and tingly sensation when he was with Simon and that wasn't possible with their dead nerve endings.
For a moment Simon was deadly silent. He couldn't even make out his breathing, what they did not even needed to do, but … it felt right to do it. Like … routine. Slowly the creeping feeling of fear came up in him, that Simon misunderstood him. So he wanted to step a little bit out of his tight embrace, placing his hands back on his chest, but before he could push him away, Simons arms began to tighten themselves around him, in a way …
„I don't know this feeling from my living life, since the drugs used to dampen my feelings, what I used to like. At that time. But … I know it from this life. I … I know it since I first saw you. At first I did not understand it, until the evening you came here and ...‟ Kieren felt himself stiffen more with every word Simon spoke. Just before the brunet paused, something inside him snapped and Kieren raised his head from his shoulder, so he could look him in the eyes. „... and it did not stop since then.‟, finished Simon with an whisper, what made him breath harshly.
Kieren didn't know what in his eyes stood, but whatever it was, Simon raised his hands and brushed with his fingers his cheeks, while he was leaning to him. „I know, I hadn't told you before, but …‟
„I love you.‟
Simons nose brushed against his, but his lips never met Kierens. He couldn't … „I wanted to say it to you.‟, whispered the older with an amused undertone, what made him shake his head harshly and tripping backwards and out of his soft caress. „No. I … I know you do love me, Simon. Jesus … I …‟ Kieren raised his right hand over his eyes and pressed his fingers against his eyelids until it felt unpleasant. Only then he let his hand fall back to his side and looked in disbelieve at Simon. „Did you know?‟, he whispered and felt so … hurt.
Hurt for hurting Simon.
Simon who just looked at him with this fucking soft expression, that it made his fingers at his sides clench around … around nothing. „It's okay, Kieren.‟, he said and it made him so angry, that Kieren just shook his head and stormed past the older, only to get gripped gently around his elbow. Always so fucking gentle … „No! Jesus Christ, Simon! I thought I … and all this time … you knew I did not … that's not okay! That's really not okay!‟
„Why?‟ Simon asked with his raised voice, he heard until today only one time. And it was, as Gerry was nearly on his throat, before Simon kept the arse in a headlock. So it took a little bit wind out of his sails.
„Why?‟ He asked back and searched in Simons eyes for something. Anything. But everything he found … made his eyes just burn for tears he could not produce. „Because … if this is love, I … do not know, what I have felt back with …‟ With this his eyes began to sting so painful, he needed to close them. In the same moment Simon took him into his arms and this time it didn't felt gentle. But crushing. And it was everything he needed without knowing that he needed it. Desperate he gripped Simons arms who held him so tight through every shake his body give against the sobs, even if the can't come.
It took him long to come down from his breakdown, Kieren just could see the last rays of sunshine flitting through their windows, as he turned his head slowly out of Simons embrace and blinked. Simon meanwhile did not stop stroking his hands through his hair and over his back in an slow and meaningful caress.
Kieren slowly swallowed, even when he didn't need it, it felt like he must. Yet, as he opened his mouth his voice was a little hoarse. „Why did you not told me, that I lead you on?‟, he asked and felt a soft huff of air against the back of his head. „Because you did not.‟, said Simon softly, just as he stopped stroking his back and touching his chin, so he could look up to him. Kieren felt something stirring inside him, as he saw his soft expression. „You remember, what I have told you by the bonfire?‟ The only thing he could do, was to nod, what made Simon smile sadly and yet full of love at him.
„I did not exaggerated as I told you Amy told me about what happened with Rick Macy. Even … when I knew she told me, to get me understand why you had this immense thick wall build around yourself, because I would have never thought to make you see me.‟ With this Simon touched his cheek lovingly. „But I kissed you, Simon. I kissed you first and made you do things, you felt not -...‟ In an instant Simon shook his head and interrupted him. „Yes, you kissed me first. But, Kieren, I knew you did it, because you wanted to kiss me. Because deep inside you knew, how much I wanted you. And all the other things – really …‟ Kieren could only stare, as Simon smiled again so lovingly at him, it made him insane. „I'm not telling you, how amazing you are, because I love you. I tell you, because you are! Please believe me just this one time. You took your life, cause of so much pain about a loss that not happened yourself one, but two times. And you still … still you came to me that night and you … you are still here with me. You give me so much more, than you can imagine it, Kieren. I'm serious. Maybe you did not felt it from the first moment on, but you give me so much love, I have never thought I would be worth it.‟
„I did not wanted you to feel loveless.‟, he whispered, what made Simon shaking his head. „You did not. Not once, Kieren. I knew you would need your time to heal. Just because our visual scars can not heal, doesn't mean, our inner wounds can't.‟
Kieren looked deep into Simons eyes, before he slowly rose from where he was nestled between Simons long legs and then held his hand out to the older, who took it slowly. Gently he helped Simon upwards, so they stood in front of another. Slowly he slid his own fingers between Simons, ere he turned around and lead him out of the hallway toward Simons bedroom, where he closed the door as soon, as the brunet stepped inside. His heart … god, how much he wished right now for his heart to beat. And yet it felt like the night, he stepped into this house before he kissed Simon for the first time.
It wasn't the first time, they were here together. They kissed and cuddled here after what happened at the lunch – sometimes he names it the lunch incident, because … yeah. Fucking incredible first impression on his soon to be boyfriend, he thought back then.
But they never …
Kieren wanted, but he didn't dared asking his parents for a oversleeping, feeling still … insecure about what they were and what Simon … would want from someone like him.
For a really long minute Kieren just stood against the heavy bedroom door, watching Simon watching him. Under his fingertips he could make out some ridges of the wood. Cold and hard. Always. Everything he could feel since he did rose. And yet … that did not mean, they could not imagine feeling it in a different way. Maybe it was just like with his love for Simon. It just needed it's time that even he could feel it more real.
With this last thought he stepped away from the door and before he could let his insecure again come over him, he removed his long sleeved sweater over his head, just one second before he kissed Simon and let his hands slide in his beautiful neck. Instantly Simons big hands flew to his hips, soft, but then slowly he felt his grip tighten in the same moment, as Kieren opened his mouth in a deeper kiss.
Never since his rising he took off his long sleeve sweater in front of someone – Amy did not matter in this moment, because they were special best friends. And with Rick he never – they had never … it was only Simon. His first in nearly everything and just as this came into his mind, he pulled out of the kiss, just to see, how Simon was looking at him. With half lidded eyes, breathing hard, even if they did not needed the air in their lungs.
Gentle he slid with his hands out of Simons neck, down over his broad shoulders, down his chest and he could swear, if he still could – he would blush furiously by now. „Can … I see you?‟, he asked shy, what made Simon smile again and then they turned in time, as Simon pushed him gentle down onto his bed. „You can have me in every way you want me to.‟
„I … I just want you.‟, he whispered, while holding Simons gaze and then he dared to look down to his hands, as they slid the ugly jumper upwards from slim hips, higher what exposed half of Simons pale, lean and defined upper body that made his fantasies only more vivid in future. Kieren swallowed and couldn't help himself, as he stroked with one thumb along the dark path of soft hair, that lead deep down underneath Simons trousers. And as if the older could feel the sensation, his stomach made underneath his touch a slight motion, what made him look up.
Their eyes met again and without any hesitation Simon gripped the dark material of the jumper and pulled it off over his own head, before he slid with one knee between Kierens legs, touched his chin, while their lips met in a frantic kiss. A kiss that felt like so much need and longing, it made him nearly keen. If he could. In this moment Kieren wished more than ever, he still could, because … „Fuck … I wish you could fuck me.‟, he coursed against Simons lips, without even realizing what he just said. Only as the older swore, he got aware of it. „Jesus Christ, Kieren!‟
He tried to feel for that moment of shame and insecurity about his words, but it did not come, because … he really … he really wanted it. „I mean it, Simon. I never have … but if I could do it, I would like it to be you.‟ With that he kissed him on his beautiful pale neck and slid with his fingertips over his strong arms. Kieren wanted to touch his back, but … he still had the feeling, that Simon was insecure about his scar there, so he didn't. „Everything. I would have let you do everything with me.‟, he whispered longingly against his cold skin, wishing to smell more than clean soap. Kieren wanted to smell Simon. Could imagine him as clean, but musky and somewhat woody.
„Kieren.‟ He could imagine it, but for a second he could believe, that Simons voice sound raspy in his ears. And he liked it. So much, that he leaned a little bit back and pushed his T-Shirt off over his head, just to throw it into the room and then slid backwards, until his head met Simons soft pillow. „Come to me?‟, he asked quietly while he spread his legs a little bit and then – fucking finally – he could see Simons own control crashing, as the older pushed himself too upwards. But not like he had thought toward him. Instead Simon stood at the end of the bed and opened nearly furiously his belt, just before he pushed his trousers down and Kierens mind stopped altogether with the sight in front of him.
He couldn't even blink, as Simon stood there. So real and beautiful it burned right through him. „You're beautiful.‟, Kieren whispered and with that the brunet finally slid toward him, between his legs, where he slowly reached for Kierens trousers, whispering soft kisses along his right hipbone. „God, Kieren … If you think of me beautiful, what should I say about you?‟ In the past there would have been a bitter and dark voice in the back of his head. But right now … it was silent. As if it could sense, Simon killing it, as soon as it would open it's grimly mouth.
Kieren bit his lips in the same moment, as Simon pushed his trousers down, together with his black shorts, watching every inch of Kierens impossible white skin being exposed to him. Even the soft curls of strawberry blond.
There was a soft noise, as the last clothes hit the floor and while silence was sometimes Kierens most hatred fiend, in this moment it felt amazing. Because he could feel the intense sensation of Simons fingers stroking over the skin of his inner thighs. „I have never once in my life seen someone more beautiful, than you are, Kieren. It's like you came from my own personal heaven.‟, Simon said in a hushed voice, before he placed a soft kiss down at the gentle curve where his hip met his thigh, what made Kieren nearly jump, because this …
They looked a little bit surprised at each other, before Simons mouth twitched in a way, it made Kieren fantasise about feeling the heat in his cheeks. „I hope … you've had enough sleep, because this could take some time.‟, Simon promised and just as he wanted to remind him, to inform at least Kierens parents – his lips slid deeper and his parents were the last he was thinking of for the rest of the night.
The next morning Kieren felt so amazing, like he never did ever before. Waking up in the arms of the man, he loved so much and knew, he loved him too … that was something, he never wanted to miss again.
It was just when he opened his eyes and looked into Simons, full of love and pure overwhelming, Kieren slowly let his gaze fall to his wrist that was visible since their threaded fingers and cuddling position. And yet it wasn't it's visibility of the scar, that made this moment unique.
„Kieren. It's healing.‟
~*~ End ~*~