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L did not often speak to others face to face.
He was a genius, cultivated and orphaned and trained from a young age. He never particularly enjoyed interacting with "normal" people, least of all touching them. For a long time L felt himself inhuman, a visitor wearing the skin of a person but never really being one. This was sort of a ridiculous sensation-- L understood intellectually that his feelings were likely borne of isolation and perhaps loneliness, awkwardness, antisociality, and the multitude of other words that could be used to describe his condition. It didn't mean he wasn't a human being. He needed to eat, sleep, and use the bathroom. He had cravings of all sorts. He enjoyed reading and people watching from remote locations. He was a person, albeit a very weird one.
He was also neutral about it. L didn't have strong feelings on too many things-- it took a lot of energy to be angry, and he needed that energy for brainpower. The detachment from humanity was an unfortunate side effect of the life a brain of his achievement had to live. If that meant every part of himself ended up neglected, so be it. The only issue was, with so little stimulation to the so many social parts of L's body and brain came little self-awareness or willpower to these same parts.
The point was L was neither used to nor prepared for much physical affection on a day to day basis.
The point was that nothing could have prepared L for living in close contact with two murderers- sorry, murder suspects.
Misa Amane was seated between L and Light, her supposed boyfriend. Lounging back as if she hadn't a care in the world, the lack of engagement from Light had apparently taken a toll today.
So Misa had, almost thoughtlessly, reached up and patted L on the head.
Criminals can strike at any moment. It is crucial that any good investigator be prepared, no matter the situation, to refrain from reacting, to hold back any information enemies could use. L was not being a proper investigator when his body jolted from the abrupt contact and his eyes fluttered a bit wider than they usually did. Maybe being in close contact with so many frustrating people and situations was taking its toll…
No matter the reason, Misa had noticed (of course she had noticed) his reaction, and let out an adorable "Awwww! Ryuzaki, do you want to be petted?"
"Absolutely not," L had deadpanned in return, hoping his lack of fear or disgust would work to dissuade the girl. He unwrapped another layer of the box of chocolates sitting on the coffee table in front of him and carefully selected a nougat.
Misa had simply giggled, totally ignoring his answer, and rubbed his head of hair again.
"Gosh, Ryuzaki, your hair is soo fluffy!"
L almost wanted to consider shaving his head. That would probably be drastic.
Any request of Misa would fall on deaf ears once she had decided on her fixation, so… "Light. Please make your girlfriend stop touching me."
"I can't tell her to do anything," Light had challenged (really, this new Light was far too annoying. What a boy scout. It would almost make L feel like he was losing his mind, if he hadn't been such a goddamn genius.) "She's her own person. Surely you know that."
Misa snickered again. L heaved a sigh of the long suffering.
"I have to wonder, Misa, why I became the victim in this. You would rather pet Light's head than mine." What a sentence. "So why am I the one being targeted?"
"Easy! Because it's your fault me and Light can't just go on regular dates anyway! It's no wonder he's uncomfortable to let even me get touchy with him, with your perverted gaze on him all the time."
"That's hardly fair." Ryuzaki said, popping another chocolate candy in his mouth. "I'm certainly not viewing the two of you in any kind of inappropriate way. In fact, I think it'd be pretty difficult to… under the circumstances." He refrained from mentioning that nothing even scratching the PG-13 surface had occurred between Light and Misa to his knowledge. Much less anything suggestive or lewd.
"Yea-uh, because YOU'RE constantly right here! We can't do anything fun!"
"And you admit patting my head like this is a petty sort of revenge for you?"
"How can it be revenge if you're enjoying it? Hmmm?"
"We seem to be going in circles," he observed. "But you still haven't stopped your harassment of me. Even after I asked so politely."
Misa was, indeed, still rubbing his head. The sensation was pleasant, unfortunately. Pleasant enough that L had settled himself into resignation that he would let Misa's attention run its course.
"You didn't ask politely." She shot back.
"Mm. I'm fairly certain I did."
"Well, I'm 'fairly certain' you didn't ." Misa argued. "You didn't ask me to stop, you just asked Light to ask me. Your word against mine, mister big shot detective."
L paused and rewound his brain. Huh. Maybe he was being thrown off because of extra endorphins from the affectionate physical contact, a natural consequence he could neither object to nor control. Wasn't very polite or ladylike of Misa to take advantage of his weakened mental state. Though there were worse things she could do.
"Light, please tell your girlfriend I'm right so she'll stop being such a bother."
"Afraid I can't do that, Ryuzaki." There was a mean little glint in Light's eye, one L hadn't seen in a while. "I have to treat my girlfriend nicely. Don't I?"
It was just like Light to decide whether he listened to L's instructions on a case by case basis. Now since letting Misa get away with things under the guise of "I can't tell my beloved girlfriend no" was more entertaining than ignoring her, he was all over L's request to treat her like a girlfriend. Still, it wasn't as annoying as Misa's loud, delighted gasp at hearing him referring to her as such, but it was up there.
"It's very Kira-like behavior," L pointed out, "to change your morals based on the context." Which was a cheap shot, but deserved.
"Stop flirting with my boyfriend!" Misa snapped, tightening her grip on L's hair and giving it a little tug as punishment.
L swallowed.
He'd never taken himself for that kind of man, but he would have to reassess. New information required reassessment. Detach: he peeled away and pictured himself sealing it up, placing it in a file, and slipping it on a shelf. Sealed away within was a line he had instantly decided never to admit to even upon being submitted to torture: A pparently, I Enjoy Hair Pulling.
"What's my Kira percentage now, then?" Light piped up again. As if he wanted L's attention back that Misa had cheaply stolen with her wiles. "After doing such a terrible thing."
L was grateful to swivel his eyes over to the boy beside him. It was a welcome distraction from the sensation he was putting up with. ( Light's expression had brightened. Baiting L was definitely a mood booster for him.)
"Well," L tried to focus. "I'd say… 26%."
"Hey, that's pretty low, isn't it!" Misa smiled innocently, rubbing his hair politely again. So that was how this battle was going to go. Well, two could play dumb.
He had never claimed not to be petty, or desire victory over others like a child. Misa, though, rarely wanted to challenge L outside of complaining at him or arguing with him. For once she had discovered a real weakness, a chink in his armor, and was using it against him, as if she wanted a fight. For once L was happy to oblige.
" Your second Kira percentage, however, is 89%."
"Whaaaat? That's so stupid! And totally inaccurate!"
L placed another chocolate between his teeth. This one had raspberry filling, and he took his time swirling it around on his tongue before swallowing and giving her an answer. "It's only fair. Sadism seems to be a trait of the second Kira…"
Misa squinted, and L felt another, firmer tug on his hair. A wash of warmth rolled over his body in an embarrassing wave. "Sadism? Hahhh? What do you mean by that?"
"You know what I mean." L allowed his voice to drop an octave in retribution.
"Hm!" Misa harrumphed. It was very unintentionally (and unfairly) cute. It also did not seem to require a reply, so L remained quiet. Her fingers deftly swept through his hair again, exploring lower territory than before.
"And I'm not the second Kira!" Misa added, as a 'so-there'.
"Yes, so you've mentioned."
Light let out a disgusted sigh. L almost wanted to kick him just for the interruption. "Maybe I should leave the two of YOU alone instead."
"Aww, don't you be mean now too, Light!" Misa dragged her fingernails down his scalp and L stiffened, felt the hairs on the back of his neck shoot up. Jesus. He put another chocolate in his mouth.
"I'm not being mean. Ryuzaki, wouldn't you rather be chained to Misa than me?"
"Hmm."
L pretended to consider it. There was no tactical advantage to such close moniterization of a lackey, even such a powerful one as Kira 2.0. The second Kira was never making big decisions, just following the lead of the first. So who would choose to waste any time on the second when the original was an option? Of course L would prefer to be chained to the first Kira, there was basically no point to the entire exercise otherwise. The answer was obvious.
L's eyes flicked over to Misa, holding there shamelessly. She smirked at him and rubbed his head some more.
"Well, Misa-Misa is more fun than Light. She is much cuter as well. Though it is true she is likelier to be the Second Kira than you are the first-" A blatant lie. The likelihood of each was tied to one another. "- She more than makes up for the rampant mass murdering with her modeling and acting skills."
L did not allow the smirk residing in his mind's eye to escape, even as the self-satisfied look on Light's face melted into one of disdain. Light knew as well as L did the correct answer to his question; as such he knew that L was lying just to annoy him. Victorious, L's eyes swiveled back to Misa, who was … beaming at him. Apparently unbothered at being called a mass murderer, she seemed flattered. He had done that.
And as if his mouth had been possessed, and even though he was finished, L kept talking.
"She is loud and touchy, but even still. I suppose being chained to Misa would not be an entirely unpleasant investigation."
It wouldn't be unpleasant much at all, in some ways. Misa had a way of drawing the eye, in her dress and her mannerisms and her voice. L would be lying if he claimed not to take pleasure in watching her. Being enabled to watch her constantly would be , for lack of a better word, fun. The only issue would be her proximity. Misa noticed when he watched her, and she shifted her act accordingly. Unlike Light, though, who shifted like a chameleon to blend in with the background, Misa did everything she could to make him watch her more. Her mouth, her eyes, all made up to draw the eye more. Not to mention the way she leaned over things, smirking because she knew your eyes wanted to dip below her neckline for just a second, just a taste. Being so close to Misa would risk more and more opportunities for her to steal your gaze and your focus and your life. Misa once caught the red light blinking on the security camera in her room, indicating L was poring over the feed in real time, and winked at it. He didn't want to imagine if she had been in the room with him.
Misa in right-now-and-here giggled, snapping L a bit shamefully from his mind's eye. "And by that you mean it would be nicer than being chained to Light ? Wow, Ryuzaki, way to throw your best friend under the bus."
As she spoke, she switched her fingers' tactics and began massaging L's hair slowly and sensually.
What was she playing at? Better question: what in the world was L doing playing along? Games with Misa were a step down from his cerebral battles with Light, to put it simply. The stakes were so intellectually low.
Or they should be, shouldn't they?
He must have stayed silent for too long, because she started talking again. "Don't tell me you've already fallen for me?" Her voice was coaxing. "Jeez, Ryu, I thought I told you already…"
L was going to run out of chocolate at this rate.
"Misa continues to visit her boyfriend even though she knows she's teasing the third wheel who has to witness her lovey-dovey behavior," he said absentmindedly, pushing a round piece of chocolate delicately back and forth on the table with his index finger. He didn't bother to inject his words with any sense of honesty. It did not matter whether she believed him or not. "It almost seems like she's intentionally breeding jealousy… Hm. Cruelty is to be expected of the Second--"
"God, you really think I'm being cruel, huh!" Misa's flirty tone disappeared, as did her hand from his head. Finally .
"Well, you break my heart every day." L said, as if he was commenting on the dessert he was eating.
To his vague surprise, Misa flushed again. "Stop saying stuff like that! Especially when you keep calling us murderers when we're YOUR prisoners! You don't have to be a third wheel at all if you don't want to be!"
His objective (to get Misa to stop touching him) had been fulfilled. All L had to do was affirm himself as a potential romantic partner and she would pull away in disgust. It would be devastating to any lesser man than the world's greatest detective. As it was, he only felt a mild pinch of detached embarrassment. Hope that wasn't too obvious. At least she wasn't rubbing him like he was her little pet anymore.
He looked at Light. The boy's eyebrows were raised high on his face as they could go and his mouth was fighting back a wide grin. L again resisted the urge to kick him.
Misa broke the silence again, huffing loudly and rolling her eyes. "You know, for somebody who's supposedly such a genius, you're really bad at picking up when your friends are just being friendly. You always assume we've got malicious intent."
That's because you do , L thought. Even if you somehow don't realize it right now. It was a bit frustrating how she could sound so plaintive (and affect him with her words) in spite of his awareness of the evils she had done.
Light let out a massive sigh. Apparently he had decided to put L out of his misery. "Misa, even though we're having fun, you should quit bothering Ryuzaki. I think he's embarrassed… he's not the type to know how to talk about feelings comfortably."
L pulled apart a bitter dark chocolate coated nougat and began licking out the inside. Misa snorted.
"He bothered me first. Jeez, you boys are so touchy. No one wants to cuddle with me at all!"
L scraped some caramel off the inside of his teeth with his tongue, expression lost in a thousand yard stare. Cuddling with Misa? Why would she phrase it like that? The implications wasn't that she only wanted Light to cuddle her, but that she would accept a solicitation from himself as well, were it given. For such a loyal girlfriend like Misa, the thought was ridiculous to L's sensibilities, but she had spelled it out so clearly herself. Did she want to cuddle with him?
"Light is a kind friend to speak for me," L mentioned, "but his concern is in vain. I am no longer uncomfortable. Misa's words, in fact, have comforted me." He sighed deeply and allowed his posture to relax a bit, as if admitting some secret truth. "To be honest, I've been very high strung regarding the Kira case recently. Since the leads have gone cold." (Everyone refrained to mention what those leads were.) "I was caught off guard and am not used to much affection."
That much should have been obvious. And to Light, who smiled privately to himself, it was. (L mentally beat down the third urge to kick him down with a stick.) But Misa frowned empathetically. "Aww Ryuzaki. You're not that terrible, even if you are a pervert. Cuddling is so fun, I feel so bad you've been deprived!"
What the hell did he have to lose. "I suppose I have. Misa, I suppose I'm saying you can do as you please."
"Really??" She didn't bother to hide her excitement, shooting up in her spot. L nodded mutely, bringing a thumb up to his mouth. Interesting response.
"Of course I'd rather be cuddling with Light," Misa announced, furtively checking Light's expression (which did not change). "But if you're not refusing!"
"I am not."
With that, she launched herself towards him and wrapped her arms around his torso under his arms. L instantly felt his face and body warm up, both from the abrupt contact and the sensation of Misa's chest and face pressed into him. How did he get here again?
"No take-backsies," Misa ordered, as L opened his mouth.
"Of course. Would you like a chocolate?"
Light rolled his eyes, but L kept his gaze fixed on Misa, who rubbed her cheek into his side like a cat. "Mm.. no thanks! Still too many calories."
"I suppose all bodies function differently," L mused, popping the candy he had been offering into his own mouth. "Light, you're not invited to have any."
"I don't want your junk food anyway." He sounded so much like a petulant child that L almost smiled. Light was acting his age, L was offering to share and Misa was cuddling him instead of flopping all over her boyfriend. What was the world coming to.
Misa prodded L's side with her nail. "Ryuzaki."
He peered down at her owlishly. "What do you need, Misa."
"Cuddling is no fun if you get nothing back." She playfully glared up at him. "You have to participate, too!"
"I see. I apologize, Misa. I have no experience with this, you see, and I need guidance. Will this work?" He put an arm awkwardly around her shoulders and rested his palm on her head.
"Oh, well, I can forgive you for now. Since you're new an all." She giggled. "You'll have to do better next time, though."
Next time. L fought back a sigh. Maybe Light wasn't the biggest problem he had to deal with, after all.
... Still, exposure therapy tended to work wonders at times. Maybe L could stand to get a little better at understanding physical affection.
He did hate gaps in his knowledge.