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The lighting rig for today’s shoot is a simple one thankfully. Seonghwa knows how sensitive some of the guys are to the heat of the lights. Hongjoong especially. He knows their leader would fake his way through the shoot, but later on…he’d need to lay in a dark room for hours to decompress. Hongjoong’s aversion to bright lights was always surprising to Seonghwa…all things considered.
It might just be inorganic light though, Seonghwa realizes, as the natural light of the morning paints the members’ faces gold and silver in front of him. He’s sitting a little further back in the group so he can soak in the moment. He adores group shoots, always has. Getting to flop down into a pile with his friends to smile and pose for the cameras reminded him of his childhood. Of sleepovers and overnight trips for sporting events. It made him feel young again, if only for the duration of the photoshoot.
They’re all huddled together wearing varying shades of pastels and creams. It’s nothing like their normal look…the look that either hooks a lifelong fan or creates a steadfast anti. Seonghwa has to admit that, though he loves the way they look in their dark concepts, he’s quite partial to their lighter looks. Strap Yunho into a fluffy cardigan. Make Jongho wear a pair of off-white capris. He doesn’t think they would agree with him, but they rarely do on most points.
He can’t help but smile to himself as Jongho leans forward to wrap hesitant arms around Hongjoong. It may seem like such a simple touch to an outsider, but Seonghwa knows better. He doesn’t understand how he knows better, but he does.
There’s something different about their Captain. Something that Seonghwa isn’t even sure the wily spitfire of a leader knows. He’s sure that no one but him knows Hongjoong’s secret, and he doesn’t understand why.
Hongjoong cringes under Jongho’s light touches, his face scrunching up in a polite smile as his body trembles. Seonghwa waits for the inevitable signal…the call for help. It takes a few seconds, but Seonghwa notices Hongjoong’s hand slide back just slightly to tap him on the knee. A plea. A favor.
“Jongho, just sit still.” Seonghwa admonishes their youngest. Jongho huffs and lightly loops his arms around Hongjoong then. No more whispers and raspberries blown. Hongjoong glances back only briefly to nod at Seonghwa.
When Seonghwa first noticed Hongjoong’s secret, he was sure that he had finally lost it. Long nights of no sleep, barely eating to maintain a thin frame, and hours of strenuous exercise had finally drained him of his wits and pushed him over the edge.
It was a Saturday night in July, and everyone else in the dorm had fallen asleep. Hongjoong was supposed to be asleep too, but when Seonghwa woke up to grab a glass of water in the middle of the night–he found Hongjoong’s bed empty.
Confused and only mildly alarmed, Seonghwa searched the entire dorm for his missing bandmate. It was one of those miserably hot summers, so a lot of the members were sprawled all throughout the dorm in varying states of undress. Hongjoong never wore less than was absolutely required though. This was completely understandable to Seonghwa. He had never been very confident with his body either, so it took a lot to convince him to lose an article of clothing in front of a crowd.
He finally decided to check the roof. A lot of the members used the roof to exercise or unwind after a long day, so if their leader was anywhere, the roof made sense.
When he walked out onto the rooftop, he stopped in his tracks. Hongjoong was definitely on the roof. And he wasn’t wearing a shirt…just a loose pair of shorts that came to just past his scarred knees. He was sitting cross-legged on the edge of the roof staring out over the city with a frown.
Seonghwa took one step forward and let his eyes trace the line of Hongjoong’s body. It wasn’t necessarily the most attractive body he’d ever seen. Hongjoong was skinny skinny . The bumps of his spine looked raw and pronounced as he leaned forward to stare down over the city. The scant fairy lights decorating the rooftop threw shadowy shapes all along his visible ribs as Seonghwa got even closer.
No…his body wasn’t necessarily something to write home about. But there was something extraordinary there. Swollen and glowing and fluttering in the light breeze of the evening as Seonghwa stared on in awe.
Wings.
He knew he was insane then as he finally stopped beside Hongjoong and tilted his head to address him cautiously.
“Hongjoong?”
His voice was almost a whisper, but it still startled the unaware man–causing him to rock forward. Seonghwa was quick to reach out a hand to steady him, his hand landing on the bare skin of Hongjoong’s shoulder. He was careful to avoid the gold-tinged plumage just beyond the sloping jut of his shoulder blade.
“Careful, careful.” He whispered with a frown. Deft hands worked to maneuver Hongjoong until he wasn’t nearly hanging out over the city with no net to catch him if he fell. “What are you doing out here so late?”
He started with a simple question. He wasn’t going to ask about the wings if Hongjoong didn’t bring them up. Of course it was harrowing. He was terrified. Hongjoong had WINGS! Big, luminous tufts of downy feathers. His eyes couldn’t help but wander as Hongjoong responded to him.
“--just feel like I’m meant to do more, but I can’t figure out what it is. Like I’m being tugged in a certain direction, but I can’t figure out why. Like…hey, are you even listening to me?”
He really hadn’t been listening. It bears repeating that his friend and bandmate had wings.
They were intricately woven with shimmering gold veins that further emphasized the creamy white of the feathers. How could he focus on yet another discussion about fate and destinies and higher callings when his peripheral vision was positively bleached with golden strands of pearls.
“Sorry?” He asked shamefully, his cheeks heating up under Hongjoong’s impatient stare.
“Wow…if you don’t care about my problems, I’m really a lost cause.”
Seonghwa faltered and let his hand slide lower on Hongjoong’s bare back. A trail of raised bumps followed his fingertips as he hastily replied, “Don’t say that. I’m just sleepy. It’s nearly dawn.”
Hongjoong had a tendency to pout when he was thinking hard, so Seonghwa tried not to linger on his friend’s pursed lips and sad eyes as he replied.
Seonghwa slid to the ground and leaned his back against the ledge of the rooftop. He watched Hongjoong do the same with a loud huff. Their eyes met when Seonghwa continued, “I believe in fate too, you know. Destiny. Soulmates. All that weird stuff. Life would be pretty boring if I didn’t at least try to believe in it.”
“Really?” Hongjoong’s eyes were wide and illuminated by his scrunched up wings that seemed to shiver with annoyance. Almost like Tinkerbell when she got impatient with Peter Pan.
“Of course.” Seonghwa tried to hold back a smile as the feathers behind Hongjoong continued acting up. “You do have a calling, Hongjoong. I’m not sure what it is. And you may never know what it is. But I’m sure you’re on the right path. You’re meant to be here.”
“Meant to be here. On this rooftop? With you?”
“Oh,” Seonghwa hummed to himself and looked at his hands in his lap. He continued in a lower tone, “No. Well, yes, maybe. But I meant with us. The band.”
His words petered off awkwardly as they both looked up at the hazy sky above them. He wished he could be more like Hongjoong sometimes…give good advice, be a shoulder for others to cry on, look good in colors other than black. It was hard to know that someone you cared about was suffering and you could barely string five words together to help them.
Just as he was about to get up and leave, he felt a soft tickle across his neck. With it came a strange, tingling sensation that seemed to spark outwards from the point of contact. A quick glance sideways showed him one of Hongjoong’s wings gravitating closer and tickling along his neck and shoulder. It was completely unconscious. Hongjoong wasn’t even looking at him.
He decided to try something then. With a nervous lip between his teeth, he discretely reached up and rang two fingers along the firm webbing of gold that ran all along the inside of the wing. As if jolted by electricity, Hongjoong sat up and shook out his arms and shoulders. His wings shivered with the action and drooped sadly when their owner stood up and extended a hand to help Seonghwa off the ground.
Seonghwa quickly clambered up off the dusty cement and stood staring at Hongjoong’s back as he headed for the door.
“Hongjoong, wait.” He called out, legs moving him forward and fingers extending without conscious thought. When Hongjoong turned around to stare at him wide-eyed, Seonghwa cleared his throat and started slowly, “You…do you have…um…”
He stepped forward nervously and ran his fingers across the broad expanse of feathers extending from Hongjoong’s spine. Though his fingers weren’t touching his actual body, Hongjoong still swallowed roughly and shivered at the touch.
“Whoa…the hell was that, Seonghwa? Magic?” He laughed and shook out his arms and legs.
“Did you…feel that? On your…”
“Uh, yeah…but it was strange like…where were you even touching me?”
Seonghwa stumbled back and stared at Hongjoong nervously.
“Your…wings?”
He couldn’t help but cringe when Hongjoong stared back at him incredulously.
“You…” He snorted once then twice then he nearly collapsed with laughter. “Oh my God, Seonghwa. Was that flirting? Or a joke? I can’t…”
He continued laughing as they made their way back down to the dorm.
Even long after they settled into their respective beds, he was still giggling to himself. “My wings…what a weirdo.”
And maybe Seonghwa is a weirdo, but he knows now that he isn’t crazy. There’s no denying it. Hongjoong might not know it. The rest of the members don’t know it. For some reason, Seonghwa is the only one that can see them, but he knows they’re real.
They’re like an extension of Hongjoong’s self. When he’s beside himself with worries and sadness, they droop to the ground and slide through muddied puddles. When he’s elated or proud, they seem to expand to a size that Seonghwa can barely quantify. He pets them sometimes, especially when Hongjoong is especially down. Barely there touches that serve as a simple reminder that Seonghwa is there and will stay there through the duration of whatever emotion they’re experiencing.
There was one thing that changed after Seonghwa noticed Hongjoong’s wings. And it’s why he’s so protective of them to this day. Hongjoong might not realize it, but he’s doing his job very well. Not composing or producing. Not even singing or rapping. He’s their guardian. All of the members. It’s like second nature to Hongjoong to wrap his wings around the members when they feel particularly unworthy. He’ll lean in close to offer an ear to their grievances, and the tips of his wings will nearly touch in their attempt to fully encompass the member that he’s concerned about. Hongjoong doesn’t know he’s doing it–neither does the person he’s talking to–but he’s doing it all the same.
And when he wraps around them, the feathers seem alight from within. Like sunlight through the leaves in spring time. The golden glow of care is so heady that Seonghwa can nearly feel it as he brushes past. That’s another thing. People often mistake his nearness during Hongjoong’s one-on-one’s as being especially attentive, but in actuality, it comes from a place of selfishness.
He longs to feel those wings wrapped around him, if only for a few seconds, just like the other members. But he’s the oldest, so he rarely gets even the slightest brush of a feather. So he hovers nearby during one of Hongjoong’s consultations with the members, and soaks in the residual warmth of his wings if only from afar.
It’s not fair of him. Maybe Hongjoong is only meant to protect six young men with his gifts. It would be almost too much to expect Hongjoong to protect all seven of them. He was only one person after all. And Seonghwa was okay with the brief bouts of light warmth that he could absorb in bits and pieces when he could. He would have to be.
After the photoshoot ends that day, and they head back to the dorm, Seonghwa finds himself sitting on his desk chair staring at Hongjoong as he scrolls through his phone in bed.
“Everything okay?” Hongjoong asks without lifting his eyes from his phone.
Seonghwa startles, his cheeks heating as he realizes that Hongjoong had noticed his staring. “Ah, um…yeah. I’m great! That was a good shoot today. Don’t you think?” He had been looking down at his fingers in his lap as he spoke, so it comes as a surprise when Hongjoong’s face is suddenly right in front of his. His hand is outstretched as if to brush some dirt from Seonghwa’s shoulder. The proximity causes a rush of frenetic energy to bound through his nervous system like wildfire. He looks up at Hongjoong nervously then blinks owlishly. “Hongjoong?”
“Something’s wrong.” Hongjoong doesn’t move his hand, but he does lean closer. Seonghwa shrinks down in his seat to avoid the intensity of Hongjoong’s looming form. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Seonghwa repeats through gritted teeth. His cheeks are starting to hurt from fake smiling his way throughout the day.
Hongjoong sighs sadly and leans back, his hands dropping to his sides. “I know there’s something wrong, Seonghwa. Now tell me.”
“What does that even mean?” Seonghwa’s face furrows into a grumpy frown as he stares back at Hongjoong’s expectant gaze. “How do you know there’s something wrong?”
“Because I know you. ” Short, sweet, and to the point. The Hongjoong special. Seonghwa nibbles on his lip and contemplates how to reply to it. It must take him too long though, because Hongjoong shuffles forward and pulls Seonghwa into a lopsided hug made even more awkward by the difference in their stances. Warm air tickles along Seonghwa’s neck with Hongjoong’s next words. “I can see your sadness.”
“Huh?” Seonghwa tries to pull away from Hongjoong, but he’s locked in place. Hongjoong refuses to budge, merely pressing even closer to him.
A strange sensation flows through him then. Something similar to the night on the roof when he had first seen Hongjoong’s wings. It’s even stronger now though. Almost unbearably strong. He gasps and collapses forward, his face falling into the crook of Hongjoong’s neck. Liquid gold runs in rivulets behind his fluttering eyelids as wave after wave of calming heat soaks into the muscles of his neck and back. His voice leaves him on a shaky exhale, “What is that?”
“I think you know.” Hongjoong’s words aren’t in his ears anymore. Somehow, they’re deeper than that. They’re planted in his mind like sun-hungry seedlings, begging to explode with growth. He feels the words rumble in his spine. “I showed you mine. Now show me yours.”
His heart jumps against his chest as he lifts his hands upwards to cup the downy folds of his leader’s voluminous wings. A tremulous sigh tumbles out of him as his fingers dip gently into the velvety folds of feathers and flesh. Again and again, his fingers dig into the cloudlike plumage just as his lips form nonsense words against the heated flesh of Hongjoong’s throat.
“That’s it.” Hongjoong’s voice soaks into the hot darkness of his mind. He is so confused. But he doesn’t care. “You can do it. Almost.”
A single tear trickles from the corner of Seonghwa’s eye as he pulls Hongjoong even closer, his arms squeezing the other man impossibly tight–begging his body to remember. Knowing there’s something there–just outside of his reach. It starts at the base of his spine…a warm throbbing that moves upwards and outwards. Reaching across his broad expanse of shoulders on both sides and further still–extending outwards then curling around until it has fully encompassed the man in his arms. His leader.
“There ya go. Good boy. ”
When he leans back, he can see them in Hongjoong’s watery gaze. A pair of awe-inspiring wings that dwarf the ones connected to Hongjoong. They’re both wrapped around each other so entirely that Seonghwa can only gasp when Hongjoong’s firm fingers wrap around the base of each newly formed appendage, the unexpected action causing him to jerk even further into Hongjoong’s personal space.
“I-I…what…” He chokes out as Hongjoong’s fingers spread out along the length of his shivering wings.
“Thought you were crazy that night.” Hongjoong laughs softly as Seonghwa bucks against him gently, his eyes rolling back at the onslaught of foreign sensations that are rushing through him. “Saying I had wings. What does that even mean?”
He’s so sensitive. His entire body feels aflame as Hongjoong brushes soft fingertips across the tips of every feather he can reach, his lips parting on the skin of Seonghwa’s collarbone with each spoken word.
“Then I couldn’t stop thinking about them. I felt something there. It was driving me nuts. I knew I was supposed to be doing something, but I couldn’t remember what .” Hongjoong pauses to lean back and stare at Seonghwa. “You reminded me. When someone got hurt or scared or homesick–you’d always stay by my side and walk me through how to help them. I don’t think I could’ve helped anyone without you there.”
“That’s not true, Hong–”
Hongjoong lets his hand drop to wrap around Seonghwa’s wrist gently. “Let me finish. Every time we helped one of them–It felt so right. I felt incredible. They were happy again because of me. And you. And that’s when I started seeing them out of the corner of my eye.”
“The wings?”
Hongjoong grins and nods. “The wings.”
“How could you miss them? They’re connected to your back.”
“No. Not my wings. Your wings.” Seonghwa stares back at Hongjoong as he rushes out, “And when I saw flickers of your wings–that’s when I could finally feel mine. And you’re right…I don’t know how I missed them.”
Seonghwa could only smile down at their hands, now intertwined tenderly between their enveloped forms.
“What do you think it means?” Seonghwa asks, eyes finally venturing upwards to meet Hongjoong’s steady gaze.
“I’m not sure.” He frowns as he speaks, but there’s still a glimmer of joy there. “But I know that I feel stronger when you’re near me. And…”
Hongjoong finally drops his normally confident gaze to the ground and gnaws at his own lip.
“What?” Seonghwa prompts, his brow drawing down with confusion.
Hongjoong’s voice is a shaky whisper when he continues, “I like when you touch them.”
There is no hesitation when both of Seonghwa’s hands reach up to stroke over the silken protrusions. Hongjoong shivers in his grasp as slender fingers smooth over the gold-threading that holds them together. His voice drops to a mirrored whisper. “Like this?”
“Yeah. Just like that.” Hongjoong purrs in response, his eyelids lowering with his words.
“So what now?” Seonghwa asks quietly. He watches an array of emotions pass over Hongjoong’s face as he continues stroking the sensitive dips and folds of his wings.
“Nothing.” Hongjoong says plainly, lips curling upwards into a feline smile. “I see no reason why things have to change.”
Their breaths are mingling at this point. Seonghwa stares at Hongjoong’s lax face in awe. In complete awe. He knows he should ask first, but he can’t help himself. Without thought, he leans forward and presses his lips to the corner of Hongjoong’s upturned mouth then leans back just as quickly, his eyes going wide.
“Well,” Hongjoong’s eyes are still closed as he smiles at Seonghwa. “That is one thing that can change.”
“Wha–” Seonghwa begins, but Hongjoong is quick to lean forward and reciprocate the kiss tenfold. Their lips slide together tenderly, a mere brushing of flesh, as their fingers explore further and their wings press them even closer together.
It’s natural–the glowing warmth of their entwined wings ensconcing them entirely. Hidden in plain sight. Light as a feather. Warm as sun-soaked sand in June. Safe together, if only for today.