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Sirius's Secret Girlfriend (isn't a girl)

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It was just after potions when James and Sirius stumbled into the common room and Sirius fell face first onto the couch. They had earned themselves a detention with Slughorn after slipping some extra gillyweed into Snape’s potion.

“How were we supposed to know that it would turn his skin green?” James huffed as he crossed his arms.

“If I’m being honest, I think that he might actually look better that way.” Sirius added. “We probably shouldn’t have done it though.” James noted that he looked a little bit sad. He figured it was because Sirius might feel bad about ruining his marvelous plan to ask Lily to Hogsmeade by tying a note to a dove and having it fly in during dinner, but in reality, Sirius was hoping for himself and Remus to have time to themselves.

The two of them had been secretly dating since the beginning of fifth year, when Sirius lost his self control and kissed Remus after a gryffindor party that James threw. They both figured out the other had been harboring feelings for far too long and have been together ever since.

“Hey, it’s okay mate. Evans would’ve probably said no to me asking her out anyway.” He had been after Lily Evans since almost as soon as he saw her in first year. “The gillyweed was my idea after all.” He voiced.

“Oh, yeah, Lily. I’m sorry about that Prongs.” Sirius agreed. This turned James confused.

“Pads, what’s up?” He questioned. If Sirius hadn’t been upset at ruining James chances with Lily, what was he upset about?

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you look all sad and stuff. Very unSirius-like.” James said. “Did you have a date to Hogsmeade lined up or something?” Sirius rejected his question, but the blush on his cheeks told James he was lying.

“Padfoot! You bugger, why didn’t you tell me you had a date!” He almost shouted. “Good for you though, mate. It’s been awhile since you had a good shag I’ve noticed.”

“They’re not just a shag.” He mumbled in reply, “We’re dating you ponce.”

“Dating! How long have you had yourself a girlfriend Sirius?” James pleaded, leaving his spot by the fire to pounce on Sirius. “I thought you weren’t into dating anymore, you haven’t talked about a girl since fourth year.” He ignored the surprised expression on Sirius’s face as he was too excited about the fact of the matter.

Sirius’s response was cut off by Remus and Peter walking into the common room and over to the two of them. “Lads! Did you know Sirius has a secret girlfriend that we didn’t know about?”

“What?” Peter said with wide eyes. “For how long? Who is she?” He pleaded. Remus kept quiet, but his eyes were almost bursting out of his head.

“Yeah, how long Sirius?” James turned back to him and asked, still talking loud enough that almost the whole common room was now turned towards them.

“Quiet down! There was a reason we didn’t tell anyone.” He whispered. “But it’s just been over a year and a half.” Sirius could feel his heart swell up in his chest a little. He didn’t feel like this was the time to mention that he was dating a guy, not a girl as James had assumed.

“What the fuck, Sirius! That long?” James was feeling a bit betrayed now, and vocalized this to him. “Do you not trust us? We’re the marauders! All for one and one for all.”

“I don’t think that phrase fits there, Prongs.” Remus finally put in.

“I can’t think, I’m feeling too betrayed.” He huffed and crossed his arms. “Why are you not as upset by this as me and Wormtail are, Remus?”

“Well, I knew.” He said, feeling all eyes flick to him.

“Sirius! I thought we were brothers! Why does Moony know and not me?”

“James, calm down. It’s not like he only told me on purpose.” Remus told him.

“Might as well have.” Mumbled James.

“I think we’re all forgetting that we don’t know who it is?” At this point they all turned to Peter. “Who is it, Padfoot?” He repeated when Sirius didn’t answer.

“Um.” Sirius started, looking at Remus.

“I feel like you two sh-should try and guess.” Remus stamerred nervously, hoping James and Peter would agree knowing their love for a mystery. Well, James’s love for mystery and Peter’s follower-like mentality.

“What, why?”

“More fun that way, you two like a good game I thought?” Remus retorted. “Plus Sirius probably should ask his b-girlfriend what they think.” Sirius locked eyes with the boy, hoping the other two hadn’t noticed his slip up.

“Hm,” James pondered, “Maybe that could be fun. As long as there is a wager.” Suddenly Sirius was more interested in this idea. “If I can guess who your girlfriend is in a month's time,” James thought about what he wanted most. “You’ll get me a date with Evans.”

“Prongs, I can’t control whether she wants to go out with you or not. If Lily doesn’t want to, she won’t! No matter what I say.” Sirius exasperated. He felt like they’ve had this conversation too many times to count. Besides, Lily was more Remus’s friend than his and he never saw James asking Remus!

“What about me?” The four boys heard, turning to see Lily Evans come down from her room to join Marlene and Mary in the common room.

“Nothing!” James borderline shouted. She looked over to Remus with an upturned brow.

“Oh, just the usual.” Remus started, flicking his hand. “James desperately wants to date you, so if he wins Sirius has to get him a date with you.”

“And why would that work?” She questioned with a laugh. “What are you all up to?”

“Nothing you need to worry about, Evans. He won’t win.” Sirius smirked. “If you don’t figure it out you have to write a erotic love letter to Slughorn.”


“And it has to be a poem!”

“That seems rather unfair.” He tried to reason.

“How so, Prongs?” Smiled Remus.

“Moony, you’re only on his side because you aren’t the one he betrayed! You don’t understand how it feels to have your brother stab you in the back.” Said James, doubling over as if he actually had a knife sticking out of his back.

“What is this bet about, if I may ask?” Lily pondered, not really knowing if she truly wanted the answer or not. The marauders were more often than not doing something that went against the rules. She wouldn’t admit it to the girls, but she believed Remus to be her best friend. She had known about Sirius and Remus since they had first started dating at the end of fourth year, and came to her looking for advice on how to tell their friends. In the end, they didn’t take her advice and had been hiding their relationship ever since with her being the only one who knew.

“My secret relationship, Evans!”

“Oh, the one that only I knew about?” She confirmed with a smug look, knowing it would piss James off.

“Evans knows?” He loudly shouted.

“Actually, I know as well, Lily.” Remus grinned.

“I’m seriously hurt.”

“No, I’m Siri-”

“This is not a time for jokes!” James turned over to Peter. “Look how worked up Wormtail is over this.”

Peter had a concerned look on his face, and kept opening and closing his mouth like a fish. “I think I’m just speechless.” Before anyone said anything, he continued, “First the 'esteemed bachelor', Sirius Black, has had a steady girlfriend behind the entire school, and his friends, backs, and Lily Evans knew about it but not me or Prongs. I’m just rather taken aback.”

Sirius went to slap Wormtail on the back. “Correct Wormy!” He smiled brightly, making Remus’s stomach flip. “And since I’m the best person to exist, we will all give you hints about my love.”

“Oh, yes! Hints would be very helpful!” James cheered, leaving a very confused Peter out of the loop.

“Okay, Lily, you start.” He pointed.

“Why me?”

“Why not?”

She paused. “Alright,” Usually Lily liked to pretend that she held a hatred for Potter and Black, and never do anything they suggested of her, but recently they had been harder to resist being friends with (or more in Potter's case). She blamed it on Remus. “The person Sirius is dating does very well in school.”

“Define good.” James ran his hand through his hair, a nervous habit all of the marauders do. None of them knew who had started it but they thought it was kind of funny. “Do you mean like they get good marks, or is a kiss up.”

“Well-” Lily started, looking over at Remus.

“Good marks.” Remus asserted, glaring at her while she snickered.

“Okay Remus, now you give a hint.” James said.


“Can you all stop giving subjective answers? I want facts!” He pleaded in reply.

“Fine, uhm.” Remus looked over to Sirius to find him smiling at him. Maybe their friends finding out wouldn’t be such a bad thing. He could go and kiss him whenever, or whenever they were in their dorm or common room, and cuddle with him during the night, and wouldn’t have to plan when they could get alone time together without the others accidentally interrupting.

Everytime he looked at Sirius, he still lost his breath for a swift moment. He didn’t know if the shorter boy knew the effect he had on him, but he hoped that Sirius noticed. “They have short hair.” He himself did in fact have shorter hair than most of the girls at Hogwarts.

During the summer, he used to cut it all off but as he got older he grew an appreciation for his hair. Or to be more accurate, an appreciation for his boyfriend pulling on his hair.

“Okay, thank you, Remus. That may help a bit.” James nodded and turned towards Peter.

“Starting tomorrow, you make a list of all girls with short hair.”

“How short are we talking?” Peter asked.

“Hm,” He brought a hand up to rub his chin. James didn’t notice, but if he’d of looked to his left he would've seen Lily staring at his hands. “Shoulder length?”

“Got it.” he replied with a nod of approval.

“Now, Sirius dear- wait can I still say that or is it weird now?” The two had always used dramatic terms of endearment towards each other, starting in second year when they’d gotten into a massive fight and James had called Sirius an arrogant prick, which resulted in Sirius hexing James's quidditch broom in retaliation. Afterwards, James had felt so guilty about what he’d said that he wrote a letter using every possible endearment he could think of to try and take it back. Sirius had forgiven him, but James continued to call him terms such as ‘Darling’ and ‘Sugar Plum’, and eventually Sirius joined in.

The black haired boy thought it might make Remus jealous when they had first started dating but he confirmed to Sirius that it didn’t. Even though his boyfriend didn’t have a problem with it, Sirius only used a singular term of endearment towards the werewolf that he had never used for James.

“No,” Sirius started with a lovesick grin. “My love doesn’t mind.” Remus would never admit it but every time he was called that his stomach still did a little somersault and he felt his neck and face start to heat up.

“Sirius, I think it’s your turn.” He interjected, hoping no one noticed his blush.

“Oh, yes, hm.” He had so many things he could say, but he wanted James to still think his love was a girl. He very much wanted James to give that poem to Slughorn.

“Can’t think of anything, Black?” Lily asked with a smirk, getting a cutting glare from Sirius.

“Oh, bugger off, Evans. I’m trying to think of something that won’t give it away immediately.” He thought what he knew that the other marauder’s didn’t. Then it hit him. “They really like love bites.” He claimed with a smile as he looked over to see Remus turn bright red while everyone else let out a surprised gasp.

“So essentially we’re looking for a bird with short hair, gets good marks, is tall, and has a bunch of hickeys.” James again being unobservant, would’ve noticed a flustered Remus Lupin tugging his robes up farther onto his neck if he would’ve looked.