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Midnight Sun: Crack Edition

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Chicago, Illinois, USA, 1918

[Carlisle bites Edward, and the teenager turns into a vampire, gaining new memories from a previous life as a Twilight-reader.]

Edward: Oh God no.

Carlisle: I apologise, but it was the only way to save you. I promised your mother that I’d take care of you.

Edward: Oooooh no. What did you do? How’d I get here? Who are you?

Carlisle (thinking): Is it amnesia?

[Carlisle introduces himself, explains who Edward is, as well as vampires and the Spanish Flu-situation.]

Edward: I’m who? I'm what?

Carlisle: You… You are a vampire.

Edward: So... I’m immortal? Sweet!

Edward leaves the bed.

Edward: Oh damn, I sparkle. Ew. Can I turn that off?

Carlisle (thinking): What. What in the world is happening??

Edward: Could you maybe think a little quieter? It’s… weird to listen to.


Carlisle: Pardon?


{Achievement Unlocked! •Immortality For The Win•}

{Achievement Unlocked! •The Father and the Son and the… Holy Spirit?•}

Chicago, Illinois, USA, 1918

Carlisle: Why… Why are you so calm? Aren’t you… thirsty?

Edward (shrugging): Oh yeah, I’m extremely thirsty. It’s annoying, really, but I’m immortal, so I’m not very worried.


Carlisle (sighing): Please, why aren’t you normal? Why can't you be normal? Where’d your bloodthirst go?

Edward: Majorca, most likely.


{Achievement Unlocked! •You Little Shit•}

Ciel_of_the_Night's Contribution Part 1:

Chicago, Illinois, USA, 1918

[Carlisle seeks out an old vampire friend. His letter (bc yes, they met during the Renaissance) asked for ”urgent help with questions regarding the nature of vampirism”.]

Old friend: So, I’m here. What’s up my dude?*

Carlisle: I’m sorry for making you come all the way over here, but I have a very important question.

Old friend: Go on. 

Carlisle: … Can turning into a vampire make someone… gay?

Old friend:

Carlisle: Don’t look at me like that! He was all moody and dark before, now all he does is wear pink and cooks for homeless people! 

Old friend: And I came all the way here for this. Reimburse me my flight money.


*We know they did not speak like this in 1918 but it was too funny to edit out, so here ya go

Ashland, Oregon, USA, 1921

[Edward joins Carlisle at work. They hear about a failed suicide attempt where the woman is barely alive, but impossible to save, thus being left at the morgue. Curious and worried, they make their way to the woman.]

Carlisle: !

Edward: What? What is it?

Carlisle: I recognise her! I treated her ten years ago

Edward: Will I have an amazing memory when I get old enough?

Carlisle (rolling his eyes): Step back for a bit.

[The woman overhears them, slowly opening her eyes, also recognising Carlisle.]

Carlisle: I’m turning her.

Edward: I’m getting a new mother? Sweet. Should I hold her down?

Carlisle (rolling his eyes part 2): Shut up, Edward.

[Carlisle turns the woman.]

Edward (to the woman): Hello, I’m Edward, Carlisle’s son. Welcome to the fam, Esm—mom.



Carlisle (groaning): All right, crash course. We’re vampires—which is why you’re alive right now—and some of us develop special abilities. Edward is one of them.

Esme: Mind-reading?

Edward: Bingo! I knew my mom would be smart!

Carlisle: Dear God above… Ignore him.

Esme: You speak very funny, Edward. And yes, I’m Esme. It’s… nice to meet you, my, uh, my son?


{Achievement Unlocked! •Motherload•}