Actions

Work Header

Gundam Seinfeld

Work Text:

 

INT - Comedy club - Night
Jerry performs comedy on stage, microphone in hand.


Jerry
Got caught near a Gundam battle the other day. Rushed into the underground bunker, whole deal. Close the blast doors, cover your ears. Kids are wailing, the parents are wailing. And I’m standing there thinking, how come there’s more public restrooms in the bunker than in the rest of Manhattan? Every time I drink too much coffee I’m on the pay phone with the Republic of Zeon, “Would you guys mind attacking Earth right now? There’s a lineup for the stall at Washington Square Park! Come on, man, make the bunkers open up - I gotta go!”


(Audience roils with laughter)

TRANSITION TO-

(Slap bass intro)


INT - Jerry’s apartment - Noon


Jerry peers inside the refrigerator. George enters Jerry’s apartment, his coat is torn and his face is dirty.


Jerry
Gundams?

George
(throws his arms in the air)
Gundams!

Intercom buzzes. Jerry walks over to it.


Jerry
Hello?

Elaine
It’s me

Jerry
(presses the buzzer)
Come on up.

Kramer bursts into the apartment. He eyes George up and down.

Kramer

Whoa buddy. You gotta watch out. There’s GUNDAMS out on the streets!

 

Elaine enters the apartment and throws her purse onto the kitchen counter.

 

Elaine
George, are you alright? There’s Gundams out there, you gotta be careful.

George
(sarcastically, as he wipes soot from his face)
Oh, really? I had no idea!

Beams of light and explosions are heard outside. Jerry closes the window curtains.

Jerry
So, Elaine, how’d the date go?

Kramer
(with his mouth full of food)
A date?! Spill the beans!

Elaine
Yeah, Stewart. He picks me up in a taxi. Takes me to the most beautiful Italian restaurant. He knows just what to order, in perfect Italiano. He hand feeds me gelato for dessert. Just as we’re making out in the back alley, he asks me if I want to see the Gundam base.

George
(frustrated)
You went on a date with a Gundam pilot? The people that smashed my new LeBaron?!

Jerry
(waves George down)
Go on, Elaine.

Elaine
So, he takes me to the base and he knows all the guards and everything. We get through the doors and there they are. Eighty feet tall. They’re incredible up close.

Kramer
(excited)
I’d do anything to get near one of those babies. You get inside one?

Jerry
Let her finish!

Elaine
Thank you, Jerry. We start walking up the stairs, and he introduces me to Aila Jyrkiainen. And finally we get to the top-

George
(interrupting)
Wait, Aila Jyrkiainen?
THE Aila Jyrkiainen??

Elaine
Yeah, why?

George
Oh, nothing. She’s just… she’s beautiful. Do you think she’d remember you if you saw her again?

Elaine
I’m not introducing you two. Anyway, when we walk past her, she says to Stewart, “How’s it going, chief?”, which I thought was a cute nickname. Long story short we’re making out in the Gundam-

Jerry
(interrupting)
You were making out IN A GUNDAM?!

Elaine
(shrugging)
We were making out in a Gundam.

Kramer
You get any pictures?

Elaine, Jerry, and George gawk at Kramer, whose back is turned rifling through a deck of baseball cards on Jerry’s shelf. He turns around and reacts to the other three.

Kramer
(defensive)
Of the control panel! I’ve always wanted to build one of those babies from scratch.

Jerry
Kramer, where would you even get the parts?

Kramer
(smirking)
Oh-ho-ho, I know a guy.

Jerry
Anyway, how’d the date finish?

Elaine
Well, we get caught, and Stewart gets reamed out by his boss. Turns out, he isn’t even a Gundam pilot. He’s just a Gundam engineer.

Kramer scoffs

Jerry
What’s the difference?

Elaine
What’s the difference? Oh, my poor Jerry. The difference is monumental.

Jerry
(defensive)
The difference is monumental?

George
IT’S MONUMENTAL, JERRY!

(Slap bass intro)
FADE TO COMMERCIAL