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What a Koopa King Wants

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“What does your week look like?”

“I’m busy with this Mushroom Festival until Thursday.” Peach finished her lip gloss.

“So you’ll have time for me to kidnap you this weekend?”

She sighed “Look, I don’t think this is working; it doesn’t make you seem hot and tough, it just makes you seem like a kidnapping jerk.”

“But it got him to notice me,” the voice on the phone sounded less confident.

“He threw things at you yelling “un-a-hand-a that-a princess!” He has a fake accent and zero common sense; I really don’t see the appeal.”

“He’s a plumber, that’s all about being good with your hands.”

“You are one desperate, horny turtle-man.”

“It’s the overalls!” Bowser cried. “I need him to bend me over my throne in those tasty overalls!”

“It’s why your throne is shaped like that, isn’t it.”

“Are you my friend or not Peach?”

“Fine, but make it a good one. Set up a real date because I’m not doing this again.”

*

After they hung up, Bowser called another friend for her advice.

“Is Miss Piggy there please?”

“Oh I’m sorry,” Kermit said, “She’s not available right now. May I take a message?”

“Kermie it’s Bowser. I’m looking for advice. How did you let Miss Piggy know you were ready for some lovin’?”

“Well I, I’m really not comfortable discussing that,” Kermit croaked.

“Well how did you know she was bucking for a fucking?”

“Bowser! These questions make me very uncomfortable. I, I’m not going to answer them!”

“Fine fine. Piggy will tell me. Can you let her know I called? Bye.”

As he hung up, Bowser heard the Frog’s distressed “What?!” but he had other things to worry about.

*

The weekend came and Peach was set up in a room in the castle. Bowser gave her a bunch of snacks and video games to keep her entertained.

“Be yourself Bowsie; if that doesn’t wow him then Mario doesn’t deserve you.”

“Thanks Peach.”

Bowser went down to the kitchen to check on the meal. He had kidnapped the finest chefs to make the night special.

“I’m here to taste the food. I will only serve the best meal. Everything needs to be perfect!”

Bobby Flay turned to him “I’m the best! I’m ready to throw down with anyone!”

“What about you two?”

Rachel Ray said “These sammies are going to be yumm-o!”

Fabio Viviani said “You gonna like what I cook for you today!”

Rachel Ray went first. “I made roast beef sammies with caramelized onions and a mushroom jue.”

Bowser took a bite. “I really like that sauce.”

Next was Fabio Viviani. “I made, from scratch, egg pappardelle with olives and fresh mint, and then meatballs stuffed with sundried tomatoes and cheese. It’s romantic, it’s delicious, and it won’t spoil your breath.”

Bowser took a bite. “That’s really good.”

“Now it’s my turn!” Bobby Flay said. “I’m the best! I’m the best!”

“What did you make for my very special date?”

“I made the best burgers! They are the best ever!”

Bowser took a bite. “This is greasy. And I said I didn’t want too much spice. The best dinner is Fabio’s pasta.”

“What? No! You’re wrong! You’re wrong! My food is the best!”

Bowser turned to Bobby Flay, “I don’t know why my minions brought you here. You’re not special and you are a sore loser. Goodbye.”

Bowser breathed fire on Bobby Flay and he yelled “I’m the best chef ever!” Then he disappeared into the flames.

“Oh no!” Rachel Ray said.

“Don’t worry. I sent him back to his spawn point. He’s in your world.”

“Oh, ok.”

“Now let’s see who made the best dessert!”

“I made tiramisu,” both chefs said.

“Gross.” Bowser said.

“I can make a mean strawberry shortcake!” Rachel Ray said.

“Sounds good.” Bowser said, “I hope Mario will like it.” Bowser was concerned.

“Your date?” Fabio asked, “In Italy we have a saying: It’s not how many dragons you kill, it’s who brings home the princess. Or the prince.”

“He’s a plumber.”

“Yes, the plumber. You will take home the plumber.”

“Thank you Fabio Viviani. You are a fantastic man.”

Fabio smiled and hoped Bowser would not breathe fire on him.

*

Bowser went to the very romantic room he had set up. There were flowers and candles and soft music. Everything was ready.

*

Bowser took a shower and got dressed. He wore a silk smoking jacket. He tried to look his best. It was time to make the call.

Bowser sat by the phone and took a deep breath. He cracked his fingers and wiggled them as he reached for the receiver.

Ring!

Bowser fell backwards out of his chair in surprise!

Ring!

“WHAT IS IT?”

“Bowser, chill, I’m just calling to see if you want to play tennis.”

“Waluigi?”

“The one and only. What do you say? First thing tomorrow morning, you, me, fuzzy balls, a net?”

“I’m busy this weekend.”

“Oh, ok. Do you know of anyone who’s free? I haven’t been able to get on the court with anyone for a while.”

“No. I don’t know, try Luigi, Mario’s busy.”

“Alright, buddy, have a good one. Bye.”

Bowser disconnected the call and immediately started dialing Mario.

“A-hello?”

“I have the Princess! What are you gonna do about it?”

“I’m-a gonna come-a kick-a your ass!”

“Oh yeah? You’re a big man?”

“A-yes.”

“You’re going to show me who’s boss?”

“I am-a.”

“You’re gonna bend me over and take what you want?”

“I-a knock-a you over al-a-right. You-a no match-a for me-a!”

“You’re going to come over here and lay your pipe?”

“I-a lay-a pipe like-a you-a never-a seen-a!”

“You’re gonna make me beg?”

“You be-a begging for-a my mercy.”

“You’ll keep going all night long?”

“I gonna go-a all-a night and-a all-a day-a. I-a give-a you no break-a until-a you-a all-a worn-a out-a!”

“Yes! Oh yes Mario! Come over and wear me out! Oh yes you plumber you!”

*

Mario came right over. As soon as he opened the door he threw a green shell. Bowser jumped over it and it shattered harmlessly against the wall.

“Mario! I’m so happy you’re here!” Bowser said, bowing.

“What the heck?” Mario muttered, “I-a mean-a, what-a the heck-a? Mama mia! Hoo-hoo-a, I’m-a Italian-a!”

“It’s dinner. A romantic dinner. And dessert.”

“A-why-a?”

“Because… I’m crazy about you, you sexy plumber! I want to be with you! Put your pipe in me! Give me your big Italian sausage! Love me!”

Bowser threw off his silk smoking jacket to reveal the leather harness and thong that matched his cuffs and spiked collar. He held up a little silver key that matched the locking buckles on the outfit. “You already have the key to my heart, and now I give you the key to my loins!”

“Dinner is served!” Fabio entered carrying a tray. He looked at the scene in front of him, set the tray on the sideboard, and quickly backed out of the room.

Mario sniffed the delicious smell wafting from the food. “This is… this-a is-a all-a for-a me-a?”

“Yes.”

“And Peach?”

“She’s helping me. She’s waiting in the tower playing video games.”

“Ok then.” Mario smiled, “I-a mean-a, let’s-a have-a dinner, and-a you-a be-a the dessert-a.”