Chapter Text
"Don't you yell at him!"'
The words escaped Ponyboy Curtis's mouth before he'd thought them through, but he was too mad to regret them. He'd known that Darry would be angry…he was almost used to his oldest brother being angry. It wasn't fair though! He hadn't meant to stay out late! He hadn't meant to fall asleep! He'd just been talking to Johnny in the lot and now he was back and yeah, he'd missed his curfew, and he figured he kind of deserved to be in trouble for that. But it didn't even matter! It didn't matter what he did because Darry was always angry. He was angry when he didn't do well enough in school and he was mad when he read too much and when he forgot something and when he didn't hang out with the guys enough…part of him wanted to give up. He couldn't make his brother happy so why even bother trying?
Darry had yelled at him plenty of times, especially over the last couple of months, and Ponyboy told himself he was used to it…that it didn't even bother him anymore. He could be like Dally…Dally didn't care what anybody thought about him, so Pony could stop caring what Darry thought about him. It had almost been working for the last few months as their relationship had gotten worse and worse.
But that didn't mean he could yell at Soda. Not Soda, who sometimes felt like the only family he had left now that their parents were gone and his oldest brother acted like he couldn't stand him.
Darry spun on his heels, jaw so tight he thought his teeth might crack, and he took an involuntary step back when his brother's fist slammed into the door only inches away from his head, his voice coming out a deafening roar.
"Goddamnit Ponyboy! Don't you think this is hard on me too?"
And just like that, Ponyboy felt his anger evaporate, his breath catching as he shrunk away, dead silence taking over the room so thick he felt like it might choke him. He couldn't help the flash of fear he knew was showing on his face, and he was almost ashamed of it. Dally wouldn't be scared. Dally would yell right back. Dally was brave, and Ponyboy wanted to be brave. He wanted to be tough…but Darry had never so much as acted like he was going to hurt him before. No one in his family had. And now his brother towered over him, fist still resting against the door inches from his face.
He'd never been scared of his brother before. Not ever. He'd been scared of being taken away from his family, and scared that his brother wanted the State to take him away. But he'd never, not once in his life, thought that his oldest brother might hurt him. Dally, sure, if he got his bad side. Steve, possibly, if he pissed him off enough. Two-Bit would give him a smack if he thought he deserved it. But not Darry. Never Darry.
And to answer his question, no. Ponyboy hadn't given a ton of thought to how hard this must be on Darry. Sure, he knew his brother worked more, and he felt bad that he'd had to give up on college just to take care of him. But all he'd really thought about was how hard all of this was on himself. For months, he'd lived somewhere between grief and fear…between missing his parents and wondering when the other shoe would drop…when his brother would finally give up on him and send him away.
"Sorry," he whispered, hating the sound of his own voice, scared and small as he tried to shrink away from Darry, the word blurted out almost against his will like a plea. Standing by the sofa, Sodapop was silent, jaw tight as he watched them, eyes darting between them, his posture tense like he might spring between them at any moment. And Darry…Darry's face was a shade paler than before, lips pursing in a straight line when Ponyboy flinched as he lifted his hand off the door.
Darry wouldn't hurt him. He knew that…right? Still, he made himself small, shrinking away from his brother as much as he could without being too obvious.
His brother opened his mouth and closed it, and Ponyboy suddenly wanted to keep apologizing. To admit that he'd been a brat and that he shouldn't have fallen asleep in that lot and that he knew how hard Darry was working and that he appreciated it and to beg him not to send him to a boys' home. But the words stuck in his throat. He hated apologizing and it had been so long since he'd done it, especially to Darry, that he didn't know how to make the words come out anymore.
Darry dropped his hands at his sides looking so frustrated and sad that it made Ponyboy's chest ache, but he still couldn't speak around the knot in his chest. When his oldest brother took a step back, Soda seemed to snap out of whatever trance he'd been in, moving between them and putting an arm around Ponyboy's shoulders, his wary gaze on Darry.
"Let's just go to bed, Darry." His voice was firm as he put himself between them. "We can talk tomorrow."
Darry just nodded, stepping back, and Soda led him past their brother and into their bedroom. Ponyboy wanted to turn back…to apologize. To…something! Anything! He could fix this if he could just make his brother understand!
Except Soda was the one that understood. Darry was the one that yelled.
"You okay?" Soda asked in a low voice as Ponyboy dropped onto the bed, curling up and pulling the covers over himself, eyes too hot. He wasn't even really tired thanks to his accidental nap in the lot earlier, and his stomach ached from hunger, since the last thing he'd eaten was popcorn at the movies earlier, and before that, lunch at school. But he'd rather starve to death than go out there and face Darry again. "Pony?"
"I'm fine. Go to sleep Soda," he muttered, fighting the tightness in his throat. He wasn't going to cry over a fight with his brother. They fought all the time. He really ought to be used to it by now. Still, that hadn't been what he'd wanted to say. He wanted to tell his brother he was sorry, and that he hadn't meant to keep them up worrying, especially not when they both had to work the next day. He wanted to ask if Darry was finally going to send him away. But he knew he couldn't talk without crying and he wasn't going to cry…not even to Soda.
What would he do if Darry sent him away? How would he survive something like that?
Part of him wanted to slip out of the house as his brother lay down beside him, a hand landing on his back and rubbing soothing circles over his shirt. He could find Johnny…they could run off before Darry could get rid of him. They'd find somewhere to hide out…until he was 18? Even in his fantasies he knew it wouldn't work. How would they live? What about Soda? And the guys?
He would just have to stay out of Darry's way, he decided as he let his eyes slip shut. He would make himself scarce until things had calmed down, and then he would try to stop fighting with his brother so much. He'd keep his mouth shut. Somehow. He'd get better at keeping quiet and when he was old enough he'd go off to college and Darry wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. The thought made his chest hurt…he hadn't been lying when he'd said he brother wanted to send him off to a boy's home earlier. He'd thought that for a long time, ever since they'd started fighting so much. But there was a difference between thinking it and having his brother nearly hit him.
"Pony?" Sodapop asked after a long silence, his voice a whisper, but he didn't answer. Let Soda think he was asleep. This was something even he couldn't fix. His brother signed after a moment, settling into his own pillow, and Ponyboy fought to keep his breathing even as hot tears ran down his cheeks, cursing himself for crying but unable to stop.
He must have slept, because the next thing he knew he was jerking awake. He blinked a few times, listening to the pouring of rain which beat down on the roof, and the wind blew so hard it sounded like the windows were shaking. He glanced at the bed beside him, finding it empty, then at the clock on his bedside table. It was nearly noon. Wiping a hand over his face, he dropped back onto his pillow and sighed, ignoring his stomach growling in favor of wondering how exactly he'd slept so late. Usually he woke up at least a little when Soda got up for work, and their friends weren't exactly quiet in the mornings, with Steve honking his horn and everyone slamming the door and Darry yelling at everyone for slamming the door.
But Pony couldn't remember falling asleep at all. He hadn't had any nightmares either…he didn't think he'd even had any dreams. At least it was Saturday. With both brothers working, he'd get a day to himself as long as the guys didn't come around. He didn't want to talk to anyone...didn't think he could without blurting it all out.
It took him a few minutes, but he finally managed to drag himself out of bed, then headed for the bathroom only to freeze in the doorway. Darry was sitting in his recliner, a book in hand, the newspaper folded on the coffee table in front of him. The TV was on, playing so soft it was nearly silent. Otherwise, the house was quiet.
Ponyboy thought about just slipping back into his room and shutting the door, but his brother would come and find him sooner or later. Besides, he needed to go to the bathroom, and he wasn't going to spend all day hiding in his room like a coward. Despite that thought, he practically tiptoed across the hall to the bathroom, taking a shower for good measure. He told himself it was because he hadn't had one the night before after sleeping outside, not that he was trying to avoid his brother for as long as possible.
When he ran out of hot water, he hurried right back to his bedroom to get dressed, not that he had anywhere to go. Rain still poured from the sky, and he had no idea where Johnny was, so it wasn't like he could go hang out with him. The DX was an option, but he didn't want to talk to Soda about what had happened. He didn't want to talk to anyone about it. And if he went to the DX, his brother would bring it up. Plus Steve would be around, and he didn't want to get into it with him, which he was sure would happen if the two of them started talking. It always did.
Glory, he couldn't seem to get along with anyone these days, he thought morosely. Even Two-Bit had gotten so irritated with him that he'd smacked him, not that he held it against him. He'd been a real jerk to Johnny, and he needed to apologize. He hadn't meant to say Johnny wasn't wanted…he was always wanted with them. It wasn't his fault that his parents were assholes. And Ponyboy knew he was lucky that his parents had been so great. He knew it wasn't fair that most of their friends had real shitty parents. But now…now it was just him and his brothers. Everyone said he was wrong in thinking that Darry wanted to get rid of him…but they didn't get it. They didn't see how all his brother did now was get on him about every little thing he did. Nothing was ever good enough, and Ponyboy didn't know how to fix it…not any of it. It hadn't been like this before! His brother hadn't hated him before!
And last night…he'd never seen his brother so mad…not at him.
He needed to fix it somehow, but it felt impossible. There was too much to say and he didn't know how to say any of it, and Darry never listened anyway.
And now Darry was in the living room, between him and the front door.
He was sure that his brother had been scheduled to work but he was scared to even ask. Still, he knew he couldn't stay holed up in his room until Soda got home, mostly because he was starving. So, taking a deep breath, then another, his hand resting on the doorknob for a long time, he finally gathered the courage to step out of his room, heading straight for the kitchen. But he couldn't just ignore Darry because that might make him mad too. So he forced his voice to work as he passed, speaking so softly it was a wonder his brother could hear him.
"You ain't gotta work today?" he asked, not meeting his eyes as he made his way toward the kitchen. Darry was quiet for a moment before answering, his voice only a bit louder than Pony's had been, not looking up from his book.
"We got rained out. We'll have to make up the hours next week."
Ponyboy nodded, almost grateful when his brother didn't so much as look at him. So maybe he didn't want to hash it all out either. He didn't sound mad either, which was good. Throwing together a sandwich as fast as he could, not wanting to take the time to make anything else lest his brother change his mind, he took it back to his room, practically tiptoeing until he was able to shut his bedroom door behind him.
He had homework to do. At least that was something to focus on. And maybe, he thought, it would quit raining soon. It didn't seem likely, but it was possible. Then he could go look for Johnny. Make sure he'd been alright sleeping in the lot and that he hadn't got rained on. He was half tempted to climb out the window and go looking without asking, but the last thing he wanted was another fight with Darry, and that was a surefire way to start one.
Would apologizing even help, he had to wonder. Would giving his brother an actual apology make things okay between them? Would anything?
Ponyboy sat at the little desk by his bed and worked his way first through his English assignment, and then his math homework, managing to finish his homework in less than an hour. Usually he'd be glad, but all he wanted was for this day to be over and time wasn't moving fast enough. So he grabbed a book he'd borrowed from the library and tried to lose himself in the story. It was a good book, but his mind wouldn't focus. Why couldn't he just go out there and talk to his brother? Why couldn't he just admit that he'd been stupid and tell him he was sorry and maybe even…
What? Ask why they couldn't just be brothers again? That was a Soda question, not a Darry one. Darry never had been good at stuff like that. Darry was all facts and logic, and he was smart, but he didn't listen! It was like he wouldn't even try to understand.
He could hear his brother talking after a minute, probably on the phone, and he tried not to listen, ignoring his own irrational fears.
His brother was on the phone with the State. Or a boys' home. Or the social worker.
He couldn't stand having Ponyboy in the house anymore.
He was sending him away.
Pony shook his head, trying again to focus on the book. That was dumb. Darry wouldn't call someone to take him away. His brother wouldn't do that. Not even if they fought. Not even if he couldn't stand having him around.
The knocking on his door pulled him out of his thoughts and he looked up from where he'd curled up on the bed, eyes wide. "Pony?"
He hesitated for a long moment before forcing his voice to work, and once he did, it came out weak. "Yeah?"
Darry opened his door but didn't even offer to come inside, barely managing to meet his eyes. "Hey. I'm going to meet some friends at the gym. You want a ride to the library?"
"Uh…yeah. Okay. Thanks." He muttered, wondering when it had gotten so hard to talk to his own family. He didn't know what he'd do at the library, but anything was better than sitting around the house all day, hiding out in his bedroom and waiting for his brother to yell at him about the night before. At least at the library, the air wouldn't feel so thick it might strangle him, and he wouldn't have to worry about a fight any time he left his room.
Darry nodded, dropping his eyes. "I'm leaving in about ten minutes."
And with that, he was gone.
Once Ponyboy had grabbed the books he needed to take back, throwing them in his backpack so they wouldn't get wet, he headed out to the living room, eyes on the floor as he pulled his shoes on. They were getting old, and he probably needed new ones, but that was the absolute last thing he was going to bring up now. His jacket was hanging up on a hook on the wall and he pulled that on too, hoping to keep himself at least somewhat dry. It was cold out, with October about to turn into November, and the rain showed no sign of stopping.
"I can give you a ride home on my way back. It shouldn't be more than an hour…that alright?" Darry asked, surprising him. When he chanced a look at his brother, he was looking almost hopeful, his hands shoved into his pockets.
Pony nodded, trying for a smile as he relaxed a fraction. "Yeah. That fine."
Moving slowly as though worried Ponyboy would pull away, Darry rested a hand on the back of his neck. "We'll grab something for dinner on the way home, okay?"
Pony felt his eyes heat up as he nodded, the contact grounding him for the first time that day, and it felt like the air in the house, which had been so thick just minutes ago, started to go back to normal. It was like he could finally take a deep breath again. Maybe it was okay. Maybe…maybe Darry wanted to make up too. Maybe he didn't want to get rid of him? "Sounds good," he muttered, smiling when Darry squeezed the back of his neck, the two of them moving to the door just as it was thrown open. His brother managed to catch it right before it slammed into them, a hand on Pony's shoulder as he pulled him back, the open door revealing a pissed off Dallas.
Dally stopped short before running into them, then pushed past them with a muttered 'hey', Darry bracing Pony as they watched him drop onto the couch, a hand pressed to his ribs as he swore under his breath.
"Dal? Everything okay?" Darry asked, wary.
"Tim broke my damn ribs," he muttered, dropping his head back with a huff. "Goddamn asshole."
Ponyboy opened his mouth to remind him that he'd been the one to slash Tim's tires so he'd sort of been asking for it, then quickly thought better of it. Even with Darry right beside him, and even though his brother wouldn't let Dally come after him, it still never paid to piss him off.
"I'm taking Pony to the library and heading to the gym for a little while. We'll grab dinner on the way back. You need anything?"
Dally waved a hand, grunting out a no, and the two of them headed out to Darry's truck, the heavy atmosphere between them thankfully broken for the moment. Darry waited until they were in the truck to speak, his eyes on their front door.
"Any idea why Tim and Dally got into it?"
"Dally slashed his tires," Ponyboy told him, soft as though Dally might overhear.
His brother frowned at that, pulling out onto the street. "Why'd he do that?"
Ponyboy shrugged. "Don't know. He was mad when he left us at the movies. Then Tim came looking for him, asking us if we knew where he was."
"Dally left you there?"
"Me and Johnny. Two-Bit came over after a while." He didn't want to tell his brother about the soc girls…not now. He was sure this would somehow be his fault if he kept talking, so he kept his mouth shut, and so did Darry until they reached the library a few minutes later. It wasn't a long drive, but it was a longer walk, and the rain was still coming down in buckets, so he was glad for the ride as he jumped out of the truck.
"I'll be back in about an hour!" Darry called, and Pony nodded, waving and hurrying inside, the hood of his jacket pulled up against the pouring rain. When he glanced back from the door, he realized his brother was still sitting there, not pulling out of the parking lot until Pony was inside, and he grinned a little.
Maybe they could fix this. Maybe his brother didn't really hate him. Maybe he could learn to keep his trap shut and stay out of his way enough and then they wouldn't have to fight anymore.
Maybe.
Once inside, Pony watched as the rain outside the library went from pouring to drizzling over the next hour, a new book in hand. He managed to snag a chair in the back by the poetry section where no one would bother him. He didn't think any socs would come wandering back here, but even if they did, they didn't usually start nothing with greasers in the library where they might get kicked out. He couldn't help wondering about those scos from the night before though. Bob and Randy. Plus four more in the back seat. Pony and Johnny hadn't done nothing to those girls, and it had been Two-Bit's idea to walk them home, but Pony couldn't help wondering if they might come after them for it. Maybe he really ought to tell Darry…then again, his brother wasn't mad at him, which felt like a rare victory, so he didn't want to jeopardize that. Not now. Not after last night.
So he tried to focus on reading, then walked around a bit and found a new poetry book to look through. Robert Frost. He'd read lots of his poems, and he wondered if Johnny might like to hear some of them. Johnny was the one he talked to about the books he was reading most often, and sometimes the two of them would read the same books. He'd do the same with Soda except his brother didn't have the patience to read. And Darry…well, Darry liked to read but he almost never had time, or was too tired.
Pony felt a pang at that. It was his fault, after all, that his brother worked so hard. And it wasn't like any of them had asked for their parents to die, or for his twenty-year-old brother to suddenly be responsible for him and Soda. Still…he couldn't help feeling bad, and angry and sad…he shook his head and tried to focus on the novel again. His stomach growled, and he was kind of thirsty after a while, and then he was back to thinking about those socs from the day before, not to mention the ones who'd jumped him after he'd gone to the movies. Then his thoughts wandered to Dally, and if he was still pissed about Johnny standing up to him, and if that was why he'd slashed Tim's tires.
He was honestly kind of glad Dally had slashed Tim's tires instead of hitting Johnny because Johnny was his best friend and then he'd have tried to step in to help and Dally would have laid him out too. But maybe Dal wouldn't be mad anymore after they had dinner. And he doubted Two-Bit was still mad at him, since he didn't tend to hold a grudge unless socs were involved.
Since he didn't have a watch, Pony kept an eye out for his brother's truck, glancing out the window every few seconds. He didn't want Darry to have to wait or come after him. Instead, he'd asked the librarian what time it was when he'd come inside, and figured he'd try to go out before an hour had passed and then he'd be safe. The drizzle of rain slowed until it just looked kind of misty outside, and Pony finally gave up on his book. He couldn't focus anyway. Taking his stack of books to the front, he checked them out and dropped them into his backpack, asking again what time it was.
He'd managed to kill almost an hour, so he decided to head over to the back door where he'd come in, stopping short when his brother appeared, ducking into the library and pausing when he saw him.
"Hey, you ready?"
Pony nodded. "Yeah. I was just coming out."
"Alright. Let's go get some dinner."
Darry didn't look mad or nothing thankfully. In fact, he still looked like he was in a good mood, which was always a win in Pony's book. When he hitched his backpack onto his shoulder and the two headed out, Darry even slung an arm over his shoulders, squeezing him a little and guiding him toward the truck.
Maybe they'd be okay. Maybe Ponyboy could talk and Darry would listen and things would be okay again.
They were passing an alley that dead-ended behind the library when the Mustang pulled into the parking lot, screeching to a stop a few feet away, and Darry squeezed his shoulders, then pushed him back behind him and stepping forward like he was trying to hide him. It wasn't unusual for socs to pull up in their fancy cars and corner poor unsuspecting greasers, but it was kind of odd they kept doing it in broad daylight lately. They'd probably have to rumble soon, Pony thought, immediately recognizing the two socs that climbed out as Bob Sheldon and Randy Adderson. He was almost relieved…he and Darry could take on two guys, easy, even if Bob was a football player.
Okay, mostly Darry. But still. Pony could…distract one of them.
But then the back door of the Mustang opened, four more guys climbing out, all with smirks, two of them holding flasks that they took long drinks of before tossing them back towards the car, the metal clanging softly against the pavement.
Right, Pony thought, hands starting to shake. Four more in the back seat.
Pity the back seat.
More like pity the two greasers cornered in the library parking lot with no friends around to back them up.
"Well look who it is." Bob pulled a blade out, pointing it at Ponyboy and grinning when Darry tensed. All around him, his friends smirked, crossing their arms and looking down their noses at the two greasers they'd cornered. "You're the little shit that was bothering my girl."