Why it felt so tiring to live? A voice can be heard from your head.
Oh, no. It's happening. You think to yourself when that feeling starts to reappear into the surface.
That feeling when you felt so unalive. Numb and void. You may try to cry, but it usually becomes an unsuccessful attempt.
You know there's a moment, a phase, where this will appear and it will go away in a matter of time.
It will be a lot easier if you 'handled' it in your own way. But this is the first time you have this "episode" with someone else.
You and Tom loves each other and agreed to move in together. However, you never told this to Tom nor to anyone because you felt like you're being dramatic. And now you don't know how to explain it.
"Love, are you alright?" Tom whispered into your ear when he realized that you're keep shaking your leg, sign on minor anxiety.
You look into his eyes, his blue, greenish eyes. It sparks concern to you and you hate how you make him feel like this.
"I'm totally fine." You crack your voice. Damn it. You're supposed to sound confident so you can reassure him that you're totally fine. But now, it convinces Tom that you're not fine, 100 percent.
"Even though I really enjoyed both of your company, I think we should get home now." Tom announced to your two friends, who's now booing him.
"Oh, come on now Tom, it's still noon. Don't you agree?" One of your friends said while showing Tom his watch that said 12.35 am. The other nudge on your shoulder and you replied with a smile.
"Well, as much I want to, I think I sick myself with eating wrong food. So, I think it will take more than a minute if I use bathroom in here." Tom jokingly said while grabbing your hand to help you stand.
"Well, if you excuse us. I'll see you soon." You said jokingly, while Tom fixing his coat. Both of you leave the bar as you heard your friends say 'get well soon' to Tom. You actually feel so grateful that Tom wants to lie, so you could leave sooner.
No one talks in the car. It makes you become more anxious. You think Tom is anxious too, because it's the first time he seeing you this quiet and lack of expression. You are naturally loud and sometimes over-energized, so you understand if Tom notices your sudden change of behavior in a second.
"So, would you tell me now, what's wrong?" Tom finally breaks the silence. He keeps glancing at you every time he had a chance. You really want to explain, but somehow you keep shut your mouth.
You never knew why you keep having this, but it didn't bother you that much. Not until you realized that this may fucked up you both, so you'll take the blame if one day Tom is tired on your 'episode'. Oh, that will hurt a lot.
You keep playing in your head like a nightmare playground, until Tom cupping your face with his hands. He caressed your face gently, until you blink to him. You just realized that you have already arrived in the apartment's parking lot.
"Please." Tom said with plead.
Seeing Tom like this makes your chest ached. You were about to lie to Tom again, but it doesn't feel right in your chest. 'How he will understand if you put a wall from him.' You thought to yourself.
You snuggled to his palms as you put your own hand into his and kiss it gently.
"I will explain it later, I swear. But trust me, it's nothing to do with you. It's... me." You give him a little hint, that it's you the problem in here. Not him. You promised yourself that you are really going to explain it to him, but for now you need a time so you can explain it better.
Tom's eyes in a mixture of sadness and confuse, but he trusts you. So, he doesn't want to force you on anything.
As both of you finally in your apartment, you decided to straight to go to the main bathroom, leaving Tom in the living room, while Tom cautiously stares at you.
You just want to be alone for now, before you have to try to explain. You lay the back of your head on the door and took a solid breath. It feels like you're getting choked in your throat, the feeling of unwell like crawling into your skin. You don't know how to help yourself.
You stripped yourself to prepare yourself a nice shower. But as soon as you stared into your reflection on the mirror, that feeling in your chest keeps rising.
'Look at you. It's not even felt like you. Why you can do anything right? Why you always have to feel this way? You're pathetic. I don't even recognize you anymore.' A voice in your head is reaching out, so you keep whispering to yourself that 'I'm okay'.
Deep down, you always felt like you live in a wrong world. Like this life wasn't yours. And it really makes you insane. Losing yourself piece by piece. It's harder that you don't want to but have to explain this feeling to Tom, and you're afraid you're going to be disappointed that he'll just don't understand.
So, you become angry and guilty. Angry to yourself that why you can't just be okay, be more normal. Guilty because you felt bad that you have to bring Tom into your problem. You felt embarrassed of how your condition is.
You tried to stop the voice, tried to focus on yourself. But, you just can't. You keep looking at your reflection, you hate the way you felt. So, you hit your head with your hands.
"Why-" One hit.
"You-" Another hit.
"Can't-" Hit again.
"Just-" you hit yourself again.
"Be normal." You keep hitting your head, so you're more likely focusing on the pain. Not the voice inside of your head.
But when you're trying to hit yourself again, the door is flung open and Tom could see what you're doing. You in a pure shock.
"Wait, T-Tom. I- I can explain-" You stutter. You felt like your heart is falling to the floor. You prepared yourself that Tom is running away from you. Tears slip out unpurposely. 'This is it. You lose someone you really love just because how freak and dramatic you are.' The voice in your head talking again.
You really prepare yourself for the worst. You're closing your eyes because you just can't see Tom's going to leave you. But what happens next, really out of your prediction.
You felt two familiar hands holding you slowly, embracing you. Tom's hugging you, whispered 'you're okay' repeatedly, as he caressed your head softly. Sadness hit you like a bitch, you can't hold your tears anymore. So, you cried. Loud, ugly cried.
"I'm sorry Tom, I can't explain it when I don't even know what's wrong with me." You said it as your tears damping his shirt. Tom doesn't say anything, he just keeps hugging you, rocking you side to side, in a circular way.
As your cries become calmer, Tom cupped your face. He kissed your face gently, from your forehead, your eyes, your right cheek, your left cheek, your side of mouth, your jaw, and your nose. He swipes away the tears track from your cheeks.
"Let's take a nice warm shower, shall we?" Tom said it softly as he keeps caressing you. You replied it with a nod. You're helping him by unbuttoned his shirt, as he takes off his trousers.
Tom is showering you softly. He shampooing your hair with your shampoo. As you want to grab the soap to your body, Tom quickly grabs your hand and kiss it gently. "It's my turn to take care of you," Tom said as he washes your body. You felt comfortable and relax as his palms meet your skin. There's no indication of sexual in here, only intimacy.
When it's Tom's turn to clean himself, you insist to take part of it. You gently caressed his body, kissing Tom's board chest softly, whispered a little 'thank you', before washing it. You could notice a hitched from his breath as Tom washing his hair.
After done showering, both of you are drying yourself up and then brushing your teeth in your double sink. You do scared to look up in the mirror because you afraid the voices will reappear again, but Tom trying to take your focus by nudging you and keep staring at you in the mirror with a playful manner.
In the matter of that simple manner, your heart feels so warm. You don't think it's possible to keep falling in love with Tom much deeper, but turns out it is.
Tom's helping you to put your favorite big sweater of his, as he put his comfortable sweatpants. You both coming to the bed, as Tom snuggled with you. Your back is pressed against his chest, he keeps caressing your head gently. You felt much comfort, even though the thought about tired of living keeps lingering inside of you.
What makes you on guard that you could hear a sniffle. You turn yourself so you could see Tom, and you see he's crying. He immediately swipes away his tears, but you pull his hand away from his face to your heart.
"I'm okay now, Tom." You're rubbing his face in an act of assure.
"Since when?" Tom asks while staring at your eyes. You could see Tom's face with a dim light from the city lights. Tom looks so beautiful.
You let out a sigh. This is it.
So, you finally began to explain, even though you explain it poorly. The way how you felt, the way you always felt embarrassed and guilty for thinking about this. The way you felt to be not grateful because all these blessings, but keep feeling so wrong about your life. The way you scared that you frightening him, the way you sometimes just want to have peace in your life that's why you sometimes think to leave this world. And the last, the way you love Tom and wanting no harm for him.
"It's always been this way, Tom. I can't even remember when and how it started, but trust me, it always goes away in a matter of time. For this time, I just found difficult because I never share this to anyone, not even my family. And now we live together, I knew in some way I have to tell you. I'm truly sorry for not telling you this sooner." You let a shaky breath as you close your eyes. This was the first time you finally let your guard down, at least to someone you trust.
"Is this what happened every time I felt like you're so distanced from me? When that time I asked you, while we lived in a separated place." Tom asks again. You nodded.
Tom pulled his hands from your hand to pull you closer than he kissed your lips gently. Pampering kisses on your entire face as you let a tear slip out again. You even confuse yourself, how you easily let your emotions out when you with Tom.
"I never judge you, love, nor will leave you for this. But we need to get professional help, okay? Let me help you through this. It pains me to see you in pain and I couldn't help you sooner to feel better." Tom stated it as he looks deeply into your eyes. You nodded again as you snuggled closer to Tom.
His scent calms you so much. Tom hummed a lullaby "You are my sunshine" song as he keeps caressing your head. And by that, you finally rest yourself, knowing you'll get through this together with someone you dearly love. Your sunshine.