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Something was going on. Something that everyone else besides her seemed to be in on.
Aurora knew it from the minute her friends started disappearing at odd hours after curfew, during the night, every weekend with only vague answers as to where they were going.
She’d also noticed them getting better. Harry had stopped looking haunted by his momentary lapse in life. Hermione and Ron were dating, and looked less malnourished and thin then last month. And they all seemed to be moving on from the war despite the many empty seats around the great hall. Even the slytherin table looked brighter than normal. Pansy was laughing lowely at something Astoria was saying, and Blaise seemed to have made his way over to Luna at the Ravenclaw table.
They were moving on. Without her it seemed. Because Aurora still checked around corners when she walked to her classes - now made up of the year sevens and eights who had been able to come back to finish their NEWTS - looking for any sign of danger. Aurora still kept her ribs bandaged after her run in with greyback while running jobs for the order. She had to, otherwise the jaggedly spelled out blood traitor he’d clawed into her side would probably rip through the stitches she’d had to redo for the sixth time after a particularly taxing practice duel she’s had with herself in the room of requirement last week again. She didn’t know what they were doing. But she was going to find out.
So, that night, when Ginny, and hermione, and angelina left their dorm three hours past curfew, Aurora listened to their quiet whispers of “shit” (as Ginny trod on her school bag making it clunk on the floor) and the “shut up” from hermione die away before slipping out of bed and disillusioning herself. She slipped out of the common room to find them further down the stairs.
“Come on you lot” Harry said, him and the other boys having met up with the girls outside the dorms.
“Yeah, yeah, Harry. We’re coming” said Dean.
“S’not like they’re going to start without us” Ron snorted. “I mean, it’s us” he carried on in a slightly louder tone the further away from the common room they got.
“Shut it Ron, at least Harry has manners” Hermione defended, while Ginny laughed quietly.
Ron was scowling playfully at her when Angelina spoke up; “That’s our bad, though, boys, we didn’t get out as soon as we’d’ve liked to tonight. It felt like Aurora took forever to fall asleep and you know the rule.”
“I still don’t understand why we have that rule in the first place to be honest.” Neville, previously silent, had brought up exactly what Aurora had been wondering as she trailed a little ways behind the group.
“Because,” Ron started, tone exasperated, “she’s a complete swot!” Aurora barely contained her surprised gasp. Are they serious? She hadn’t told on them since fifth year, and since then she’d broken just about every rule in the book. “If we told her,or if she found out, she would for sure go to McGonagall. And then we’d all have to stop and this is the one thing we’ve all agreed on, even those slimeballs in slytherin - who I am still not keen on by the way Harry” Ron continued while they made their way to the Hufflepuff common room.
“ ‘sides,” Angelina cut in, “if Aurora needed help she’d just ask and she hasn’t, so clearly it’s not even an issue for her”
“I told you Ron, they are really quite fun once you talk to them” Harry changed the subject as he replied to Ron “come on mate, we’re trying to move on. Let’s forget about old house prejudices, yeah?”
“Yeah, yeah alright mate, I’ll try not to call Malfoy a prick this time” Ron grinned as they reached the door where a small potted gardenia had been used to prop the door open. Aurora snakes in behind the group to see that many of the seventh and eighth year Ravenclaws and Slytherins were already in there with the Hufflepuffs. She frowned, wordlessly redoing the silencing charm on her feet (though she knew that it, like always, was perfect) so as to not rustle the carpet.
As she watched from a corner Harry gathered everyone around and they talked. Just talked. It was essentially a group therapy session. They talked and talked for hours. And just when Aurora was getting tired of keeping her disillusionment spell from wavering she noticed people getting up.
Shit. Fuck. I have to go. She thought while trying to silently slip out of the still-propped-open door before tip-toe-running back through all the different shortcuts and secret passageways to her bed, drawing the curtains, and casting a silencing charm to hide her slightly laboured breathing and the groan of pain from jostling the wound at her side.
“Fucking hell” she whispered out into the quiet of her room. “Fucking hell! What the fuck?” Louder this time.
They didn’t tell me. This whole time they didn’t tell me. Because they thought I was going to tell on them?! Aurora scoffed out loud, trying to ignore the slight ache starting in her chest that carved away at the anger brimming in her heart. She lay awake for the rest of the night (short as the rest of it was) and listened to her three dormmates come back in giggling. Apparently they didn’t care as much about waking her up after they’d already come back from leaving her behind.
Still Aurora lay silent. Letting her thoughts drag her into an abyss. They left me behind. They left me fucking behind. She lay there until the sun rose and peaked through her bed curtains. And then she got up. She’d just keep training, she reasoned with herself. She didn’t know what she was training for considering Voldemort was gone and the rest of the death eaters were in Azkaban or dead. But Aurora had been training since the start of term in the room of requirement. Setting up a gym like setting some days when she wanted a more mundane physical strain without needing magic. On the other days she asked the room to provide protective barriers and active dummies that she could fire spells at and dodge them when they bounced - or were thrown - back towards her. Really the only reason Aurora wasn’t as skin-and-bones as she was during her order missions was because the constant workouts made her hungry all the time. She’d developed muscles she hadn’t had before the war and the strain had helped her focus. She supposed this was the reason it had taken her so long to realise something was going on with the others. But now that she knew she couldn’t stop over-thinking and spiralling into darker thoughts that she hadn’t had since before she’d made real friends the first few years of hogwarts.
After showering and getting her uniform on she grabbed her tie and rushed out of the dorm before the others woke.
“Hello Aurora, you’re up early” Dean was on an armchair by the almost-out fire sitting with Harry.
“Dean, Harry, morning. I’m heading to grab some food” she replied with a wave, her fingers tingling slightly as she tried to keep any strain from her tone.
“Alright mate, see you then” Harry called as she hopped out of the portrait hole.
Aurora rubbed at her eyes as she rushed to the dinning hall to grab some food, putting it in a pot she’d transfigured from a plate, before making her way to her large rock by the black lake to watch the rest of the sunrise. But when she went to eat Aurora found she wasn’t all that hungry and set the pot aside.
“Fuck” she breathed out, her words puffs of white mist in the air before her. Her chest ached and her eyes began to sting again. Her hurt at being left out while everyone else moved on together rising up once more. She grabbed a pebble from beside her and chucked it into the water as far as she could. Winced as her side twinged. She sat back down. She didn’t know what she was going to do. She lay back on the rock, letting her arms dangle over the edge until it pulled too much at her side. She knew she should get it checked but she didn’t want to make any more work for Madame Pomfrey - who’d already done so much for her, and looked like she was always moving onto the next task every time she checked by the hospital wing in case it was a good time to get herself checked out. Aurora felt heavy and cold on the inside. As though she could feel her organs clanking around like metal debris within her. And worst of all, as she breathed, she couldn’t suck in enough air to reach the bottom of her lungs - something that didn’t happen as much now that she exercised so much but clearly the situation wasn’t only hurting her mentally. It’s fine it’s fine I’m fine I’ll be fine. I’ll pretend like nothing's happened I’ll be normal I’ll be the normal Aurora I will be the swot they think I am and they won’t know I know. She thought as she squeezed in between her fingers. “Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fucking fuck Aurora get yourselves together and stop being weak” she gritted out in puffs of white breath in the cold air and she lightly knocked her head against the rock beneath her. Huffing as she slid down and off the rock, Aurora left to head up to the castle again. She stopped in the bathroom to swipe water under her eyes to make herself look more awake and then continued up to her dorm.
When she got back, Ginny, Hermione, and Angelina had finally woken and we’re getting ready to head out for breakfast.
“Damn Aurora you were out early” Ginny stated
“Yeah, we didn’t realise you were gone,” added Hermione. “We’re about to go get breakfast, want to join?”
So they can invite me to breakfast, Aurora thought darkly. “Oh no it’s alright. I want to start my essay for McGonagall. I want to do some research on animagi and how different personality traits group together to make certain trends on what animal a person will end up shifting to and you might be able to figure it out officially even before the first transformation so…” Aurora trailed off slightly, she’d only been half lying while coming up with something she needed to do but really, couldn’t her dorm mates listen for even a moment? For they’d stopped looking at her, even Hermione who normally loved to talk about their upcoming assignments had slightly glazed eyes as she looked in Aurora’s general direction.
“So yeah! Anyways, I’m going to...head out. Yeah, so, have fun! I’ll see you lot later, I guess.” Aurora hoped she didn’t sound too forcefully cheerful. But needn’t have worried as her words barely registered with the others who half heartedly said goodbyes as they saw her making towards the door.
Auror did actually go to the library to study alone, but she’d done her animagi essay last week so grabbed a book on higher level defensive spells instead. The quiet of the library was oppressive. After a while pain had settled in and Aurora was once again finding it harder to breathe. Fuck I need to get out I need to get out and do something. Fuck it. She thought, I’m going to the room of requirement I need to train. I need to get out of here. Aurora got up quickly and half ran out of the library, bringing the book with her by accident, and made her way up to the seventh floor. But just as she was rushing around the corner she ran smack bang into another person.
“Shit! Fuck!” A low voice, most definitely belonging to a guy, rang out into the hallway as the motion of running into him jogged the heavy book under her arm right into the bandaged wound on her ribs and side, wrenching a grunt of air out of Aurora as Theo Nott steadied her before she could fall.
“Sorry! Fuck, I’m sorry I didn’t see you coming!” His low voice rang out again but Aurora could barely pay attention as she felt her side burn.
“It’s - it’s fine, Nott. You’re fine.” She managed to get out. “I wasn’t looking either”
“Yeah, yeah I know, but still - are you good?”
“I’m fine. I’m fine” Aurora made to go past him but he stopped her again.
“Are you sure, love? You’re looking a little pale.”
Indeed, the pain of her side had caused all the blood to drain from Aurora's face and she could feel herself swaying slightly. Guess this’ll be time number seven of redoing my stitches she thought dryly as Theo frowned down at her. Aurora was taller than most girls but Theo was still a good half a foot, maybe more, taller than her. So when she replied Aurora had to angle her chin up slightly.
“Yeah. Yeah I’m fine.” She insisted. Then he let go of her and she swayed even more, pulling another curse from behind his teeth.
“Bloody hell love I didn’t think I’d run into you that hard. If you wanted me to hold you all you had to do was ask, you know?” He smiled slightly, but it fell away once more when Aurora shook her head dismally.
Fuck she couldn’t go to the hospital wing at this time as it was likely full of students trying to get out of class and she didn’t know how she was going to get herself to the room of requirement instead. Damnit!
She looked up at Theo.
“I need your help. But you can’t tell”
“Okay now I’m really worried. What’s with you Aurora?”
“I need to get to the room of requirement - to the place where everything is hidden.”
“Shit, okay I can do that, but why do you need help?” He started moving towards the direction he came from but swore once more in understanding when Aurora limped after him and so he grabbed her under her shoulders and legs to carry her instead. “The fuck happened to you Aurora?”
“Ow ow fuck Theo you’ll see just get me there.” She ground out through her teeth, his sudden picking up of her pulling more at her ribs. “Please Theo” she added, wincing in pain. He frowned even more but said “ okay okay I’m going let’s go we’re almost there.”
They got inside and Aurora directed him towards a table where she’d stashed a first aid kit on one of her other trips there. Theo set her down and she ignored the blush in her cheeks as she pulled off her robe and started untying her tie.
“Damn love, I didn’t think you’d mean this type of help, though I’ll happily oblige-“ Theo laughed but when he saw her start undoing the bottom buttons of her uniform shirt his eyes widened. “-Wait you’re not serious?”
“Shut up Theo, that's not what we’re here for. Get that box from under the desk please.” Aurora lifted her shirt slightly revealing the bandages that were beginning to show red spots from where the words carved into her were bleeding from. She saw Theo’s smile drop instantly as he looked up from the box he’d just grasped.
“Holy shit what the fuck Aurora? What happened?” He rushed to her side and started to help her undo her bandage because her fingers were shaking so badly.
She gasped again as the last roll of the bandage came off, pulling slightly at the damaged skin around the markings but managed to get out the answer to Theo’s question,
“Greyback”
Theo gaped at her silently, incredulous eyes flicking between her face and the blood traitor scrawled across her torso that was beginning to leak more and more red by the minute.
“Just go Theo, I can take it from here just please, please do not tell anyone!” Aurora said as she prepared to redo the first broken stitch.
“Merlin’s tits Aurora you’re not seriously thinking I’m going to leave you here and not take you to Madame Pomfrey? Are you menta- Oooh what the fuuuckk'' Theo suddenly turned away, gagging slightly as she started stitching herself back up again.
“Absolutely not Theo. She is busy enough. I am not going to bother her with something this trivial that I can fix myself, and if you're going to throw up you’ve got to get out. If not then get it the fuck together I know what im doing. I’ve done it before.” she added as an afterthought, not seeing as Theo spun round to face her again, face once again in shock as he asked “what do you mean? You mean you stitch yourself up like this all the time do you? What the fuck Aurora this is not trivial! How have your friends not done anything about this?”
Aurora winced as she finished her last fix up and Theo’s face turned slightly less green when he realised she was done. “They haven’t done anything, Theo, because none of them know. And even if they did pay attention enough to notice me disappearing all the time I still wouldn't let them help because I can take care of myself. If you’re done staring at it you can leave.`` Aurora’s voice was slightly raised but Theo just scoffed. “Oh yeah, you don’t need any help and I definitely didn’t carry you up here because you couldn’t fucking walk.” she scowled at him but didn’t say anything because she knew he was right. She wasn’t sure what would have happened if he hadn’t been there. Though she supposed if he hadn't then maybe he wouldn’t have run into her. But to be honest she knew her stitches needed to be redone soon anyways and had been putting it off so it wasn’t truly his fault.
“Come on Rora - I’m calling you that now and you can’t say anything because I just saved your life - let me take you down to the infirmary. I promise we can just leave if Pomfrey is busy.”
“Fine” Aurora managed as she started shivering. Theo stepped closer and grabbed her cloak from the table next to her and put it over her shoulders before unwrapping his own scarf and piling that around her too. Smiling, he told her “I must say Rora, Slytherin green suits you.” she just swatted at his arm as he pulled her against him so he could walk her down to the infirmary.
They went slowly, at first in silence then Theo asked her “why don’t your friends notice you disappearing all the time? I mean, you're gone from most meals and you don’t play quidditch anymore and you’re on that rock by the lake like all the - “ he broke off, seemingly realising that he was rambling on about all the times he’d noticed her missing or somewhere unusual. She ignored that tidbit, and the blush it brought to her cheeks, in favour of replying with a small shrug.
“I guess they’ve all just moved on from everything.” Aurora didn’t mention the meeting she’d sneaked into as she couldn’t remember if she’d seen him there or not and didn’t want to rat herself out.
“Fuck. Yeah I know what you mean. Draco and Blaise have been going to this gathering at the wierdest times of night and they told me it’s helped them and that I can go with them but to be honest I don’t really do that talking shit. Do you go to it?” Aurora glanced at him in surprise that he’d mentioned the very thing she was avoiding saying and debated whether or not she would tell him the truth. Thankfully, though, they’d just arrived at the doors to the hospital wing and Madame Pomfrey had taken one look at her and rushed her away while briefly thanking Theo before scolding Aurora for not coming in sooner.
It was some time after that when Madame Pomfrey finished taking out her stitches - which she’d protested saying that she’d just redone them - and cleaned and healed it with spells that Aurora hadn’t even known existed. And for the first time since Greyback had taken his claws and knife to her skin, Aurora couldn’t feel any pain from her wound. Despite Madam Pomfrey’s protests, Aurora managed to get out of staying the night in a hospital bed and left to head back to the Gryffindor tower, dreading any questions she might get if anyone had actually noticed her absence. But when she got out into the corridor she jolted to a halt at the sight of Theo sitting against the wall on the other side, knees drawn up wide and an arm resting on each with one of his many rings between his fingers as he fiddled with it.
He looked up sharply when the door closed loudly behind her and quickly jumped to his feet, making his way towards her, he smiled.
“Good as new? Told you you’d feel better.”
“Did you wait that whole time?” she asked, trying not to notice the feeling that that gave her.
“Nah. I went down a bit earlier to get some food for you. Here.” He passed her a pot full of rice and a turmeric coloured curry. She took it and felt stupid as she began to feel the telltale prick behind her eyes at his kindness. Blinking quickly she said a thick thanks before moving to keep walking. But, of course, he noticed and lightly cupped her elbow, turning her around and looking at her while frowning
“It’s just food Rora, what’s got you in a twist, I thought Pomfrey fixed you all up, your side doesn’t still hurt does it?”
“No. No, I’m fine. Just...thanks...for all of it. The carrying me and the not throwing up on me and the taking care of me. I guess I’m just not used to it anymore. And…” she exhaled and looked away from his small, kind, smile. Then, it all came out.
“And to answer your question from before; no I do not go to their little therapy gathering because they didn’t invite me and have purposely told everyone to exclude me from it because I am apparently a snitch who’ll tell McGonagall. As if I am stupid enough not to realise somethings up with them. And they think I don’t know because they never notice me anymore so of course they didn’t realise that I followed them to the bloody meeting and heard everything and they’re such assholes because they get to move on and pretend like everything is fine because the fighting has ended but it isn’t fine. I’m not fine. George isn’t fine. Colin isn’t fine. Lavender isn’t fucking fine. I just can’t take it anymore; I have this stupid brand on me which none of them know about because when it happened my Order mission was classified and now it seems pointless to tell any of them as it happened so long ago and I just..I just…” Theo waited for her to continue, an unreadable expression on his face as Aurora still didn’t look at him.
“I just wish that they’d realise that they’re not the only ones who got hurt! They missed out on most of the bloody war while hunting horcruxes which I know was important but while they were off camping in the woods while I was getting cut up by the vilest of people and doing everything just to make a fucking difference and they don’t even know because they weren’t here! They weren’t here while the rest of us fought for every. Fucking breath. While I was getting sent off on suicide missions because I am one of the expendabe ones.” Aurora finished and finally looked at Theo who then moved his hand to her shoulder and leant towards her, eyes dark and serious.
“You are not expendable, Aurora. Don’t ever say that. Do not let anyone make you think that.”
She was crying in earnest now, silent tears streaming even as he wiped them away.
“Fuck them.” He whispered to her. “Fuck them for not seeing this. Seeing you. Fuck. Them.” He sounded angry now, and as she looked into his eyes, tears slowing, she nodded, smiling faintly as she murmured back
“Yeah. Fuck them”
He grinned and then grabbed her hand.
“Come on. You have a new friend now. And I am hungry as shit right now so let's go eat. I have cake too.”
“You didn’t eat yet?”
“No, I was waiting for you, remem-” his voice cut off, breath shoving out of his chest as she flung herself at him suddenly, jumping into his arms, her own around his neck, as she hugged him tightly.
“Thanks, Theo.”
She felt him swallow as he buried his head in the crook of her neck, arms coming around her waist just as tightly - careful of her still even though Pomfrey had fixed her - and exhaled softly.
“Anytime Rora.”
“Let's go have cake.” she said as she slid off him and back down onto her feet. Theo grinned once more and retook her hand as they made their way to the rock that she always sat on by the lake. And as they sat in companionable silence, eating the rice and curry Theo had saved from dinner, as well as the chocolate cake that he’d got specially from the elves he knew in the kitchen, she breathed in deep, finally feeling it all the way through her lungs.