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It had been a few months since his last conversation with Kakahsi before Iruka saw him again. Apparently he had been shipped off on some mission and was unable to contact the village. He could have been safe and not wanting to risk a message, but looking at the jonin now, Iruka highly doubted it. Something had gone wrong.
Now, most people wouldn’t have noticed any change. Of course Iruka was one of the only people who was aware Kakashi had been gone for so long. In fact, if he hadn’t been awaiting his return, he wouldn’t have noticed anything different either.
Outwardly he looked okay. There were no blaring injuries, but, if his clothes were any indication, he’d cleaned up before turning in his mission report. His slouch was normal; his hair still in its gravity defying state.
His eye on the other hand… it was more than just his normal bored look. It was empty and slightly glazed over. It was cold.
“Welcome back Kakashi,” Iruka said in the most warming voice he could manage.
In response he simply just handed over his report.
If that wasn’t a blaring warning sign, the report itself most definitely was. It was- perfect. All of the correct slots were filled in and all the needed information was there. Even the language was concise without sacrificing important details. It looked like one of his more perfectionist student’s essays after they edited it for the thirtieth time.
Almost like it had been meticulously edited.
The mission information was also quite concerning. Iruka’s suspicions had been right. Kakashi had run into trouble on this mission. He’d been captured for an unspecified amount of time and quite coincidentally that was the one part of the report that was lacking in detail.
He was hiding something.
Iruka looked back up: Kakashi’s gaze hadn’t shifted a bit. “Thank you for your service.”
And just like that the jonin walked away without saying a single word.
-----
“Lady-Hokage, I’m worried about Kakashi.”
Tsunade stared back at Iruka with her soul piercing gaze, fingers laced together in front of her mouth. “And so you come to me?”
Iruka looked back with a similar level of unimpressed.
“Okay fine, yeah, I’m worried about the brat too.” The Hokage looked somewhat annoyed that he called her out on her bullshit.
“What exactly happened on his mission?”
There was a look of anger and disgust that slipped through as she glared at her desk before she forcibly shoved back her wall. “He hasn’t told us much, but his injuries said more than he did.” Her eyes moved back up to meet Iruka’s. “You know I can’t tell you much more than that.”
Iruka frowned. “I didn’t see very many injuries listed on his report.”
“Most of his medical report didn’t make it on the mission report.” She shut him up with a glare before he could say anything. “Let me finish. I asked that the medical report be censored and locked away. And for good reasons.”
When he knew Tsunade was done speaking for the moment he spoke up. “Why would you do that?”
There was a sense of unease. “I didn’t want it to hurt the brat anymore.”
“What is that supposed to mean?!” Iruka couldn’t help the way his voice raised in pitch and volume.
“Look Iruka. I have my reasons for keeping this information classified. I know that you are worried about him but I’m afraid I can’t tell you. Kakashi will have to be the one to tell you, but trust me; you don’t want to push.” Her voice was stern and a bit angry. “As you were so kind to point out earlier, I do care about the brat and I don’t want this to keep haunting him. So if you decide to drag up these bad memories I will hold you responsible. This village can’t afford to have one of its best shinobi out of commission for so long.”
The words left a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. “I won’t hurt him, Lady-Hokage.”
“Good.” Tsunade studied him for a moment. “I wouldn’t want the village to lose its best teacher either.”
-----
Iruka rapped on Kakashi’s appartment door, takeout in hand.
He was quite infamous for his inability to cook even the most simple things so he’d figured he’d get food rather than attempt to make it. Besides, Anko may or may not have banned him from most of his own kitchen and he’d rather not insite her wrath.
He didn’t quite know what he was expecting, but nothing wasn’t it. Maybe he’d been silly to think that Kakashi would want any sort of visitors. Well, he could just leave the food there with a note and hope he found it before it went cold. He thought he could hear water running so maybe he was just taking a shower.
Iruka was still mulling over his thoughts when he heard a crash coming from the apartment. His hand went to the doorknob and before he knew it, he was entering. The door hadn’t even been locked.
There was no sign of someone breaking in. The tiny bedroom ( Was this really it? There wasn’t even a kitchen or table.) was completely empty, almost concerningly so. The only sign of life in the shitty apartment was a light that came from what appeared to be a small bathroom. The entire room was crossed in just a few strides before he found himself standing in the doorway, eyes wide at the sight before him.
Shards of what used to be the mirror sprinkled the counter and floor. Right in the center of it all was a shaking and almost completely naked Kakashi. He was staring at his hands that had shards of the mirror sticking out and blood dripping down. His eyes were wild and that’s when Iruka noticed that he wasn’t wearing his mask or his headband.
The usually fluffy silver hair fell down and partially hid his eyes, but the glow of the Sharingun cut through. His eyes were wide and glazed over. Tears fell freely down his face.
Iruka carefully made his way through the damage. Kakashi made no sign he noticed Iruka’s presence which was much more concerning than if he’d made a move to attack him.
“Kakashi?”
There was no response. The only sound that met his ears was the running water of the sink and small sobs.
He moved slightly to look under the sink for a first-aid kit, mentally making a note of how light it felt. With a second thought to the water, he turned it off. He had no idea what could have triggered Kakashi’s attack, but he knew triggers could be some of the smallest of things. He’d made a note of how Hinata would act jumpier around running water after the incident that left her restrained and chained down in a river. Maybe it was similar to Kakashi’s fear.
Iruka so painfully slowly took Kakashi’s hands in his own. He didn’t want to make any sudden movements and scare the jonin. “Kakashi, can you hear me?”
Still no response. Only the faint muttering of what sounded like, “it won’t wash off”. His eyes were still glued onto his bloody hands.
“I’m going to try and take care of your hands okay?” It seemed to be the blood that was keeping him frozen in fear. “Let me know if you want me to stop and if anything hurts.”
The sobs had quieted down as Iruka opened the first-aid kit. His first impressions had been right. The kit was so bare, filled with far less stuff than any home’s first-aid kit should be, much less one of a shinobi’s. There was only a singular glove which Iruka snapped onto his right hand.
He tried his best not to focus on the blood but the glass shards as he removed them. After each individual piece was removed he’d used a medical jutsu to heal the cut. One by one Kakashi started to fall quieter and his shaking slowed.
When Iruka started to wrap the bandages around his mangled hands, he could feel Kakashi slowly coming back into reality. “Kakashi, can you hear me?” he asked once again.
He didn’t say anything, nor did he take his gaze off of his hands, but he gave a small nod.
“Are you hurt anywhere else?” He really wanted to help ground Kakashi, but physical injuries always came before mental ones.
The mismatched eyes moved from his hands to look away from where Iruka was sitting.
He was going to take that as a yes. “Kakashi please, I want to help you.”
When Kakashi turned back to face him the hair that fell over his eyes shifted and exposed the Sharingun. It swirled slightly, the movement mesmerizing, but not enough to keep him from noticing the red lines that ran down his left cheek.
Scratch marks, Iruka noticed, though they weren’t done with sharp nails or claws. With some relief he noted that no blood had been drawn. The lines even stopped less than a centimeter away from the eye, but it was not lost on Iruka what their intent had been. It was like Kakashi had barely kept himself from clawing out his own eye.
While his right eye had dried up, the left still had tears flowing freely from it. The drops followed along the scratch lines, running down his cheek and jaw to his neck.
Oh god his neck.
Iruka had brushed it off for weird lighting at first, but no, there were definitely bruises. Hand-shaped bruises to be exact, wrapped around his throat. They were angry marks left on his skin, dark enough to have required lots of force.
His eyes trailed down and took in the sheer amount of injuries and scars. It was too much, so he kept his focus up on his face.
“God Kakashi, what happened?” The words left him before he realized the thought had formed. It wasn’t until he noticed the way the other stiffened when it hit him that he actually just said that out loud. “Shoot, sorry, you don’t need to say anything. Sorry, I overstepped.”
The jonin just looked up with a sense of curiosity. His head tilted slightly to the side, furthering his kicked puppy look.
Iruka looked down at his own hands, thinking about his healing jutsu and the many bruises he’d healed with it. None of them were nearly this bad, but it must count for something. He started to reach out to him when he realized how stupid of an idea that was. There was no way Kakashi would want anyone’s hands near his neck ever again.
He swallowed. He should still voice the option, even if it was just to let him know that Iruka was there to help him. “I could heal those bruises if you want. But I’d have to…” He didn’t want to finish that sentence. Hopefully Kakashi would pick up on what he was thinking.
It took a moment before there was a response. “It’s fine. I trust you.” The voice was small and hoarse, a stark contrast to his usual teasing tone.
Those words hit Iruka hard. Kakashi trusted him? “If you start to feel uncomfortable, just let me know, but first,” he looked around the bathroom, “let’s move you somewhere else real quick.”
While Iruka was still wearing his sandals from his rush into the apartment, Kakashi’s feet were bare. With the bathroom floor still covered with shards from the mirror there was no way Kakashi would be able to walk out by himself. In a split second decision Iruka moved to pick up the jonin.
“I’m going to pick you up okay?”
He kept his gaze firmly on Kakashi’s face. There was some hesitation but eventually he closed his eyes and nodded.
It was relatively easy to pick him up like- worryingly so. Kakashi may have a leaner build but oh god. He was about as light as one of Iruka’s pre-genin. And he was supposed to be mission-ready? Yeah, no.
The head of silver hair leaned against his shoulder, bandaged hands hung limply by his sides.
Iruka was careful as he walked, careful not to slip on the glass, careful not to shift any of his wounds, careful not to hurt the man in his hands any more than he could. He wasn’t going to let any more pain happen to him. Not while he held him in his arms.
-----
After painstakingly making his way out of the bathroom Iruka shuffled through Kakashi’s drawers in hopes to find a clean pair of pants for him. It was futile. He didn’t seem to have any clean clothes anywhere.
“So, do you have a clean pair of pants somewhere?” He was hoping that maybe he’d get a response.
“No.”
Well, that was better than nothing.
Although it did pose the question of how well he was taking care of himself if this was the standard he set for himself. Seriously, how did one not have a single clean article of clothing?
“Okay well,” he looked around and grabbed a shuriken patterned blanket that was folded nearby and wrapped it around the figure sitting on the bed, “here.”
Kakashi looked surprisingly soft bundled up like that. He froze, almost uncertain and confused.
This man needed to be held close and protected at all cost.
Iruka held his hands up. “Are you ready? You can back out at any time.”
Kakashi nodded and let the blanket fall, revealing his neck and shoulders once again.
He moved slowly. He really didn’t want to startle the jonin or bring back any bad memories. Eventually his hands touched skin and glowed a healing green.
As Iruka had predicted the bruise was much harder to heal than any other bruise he’d healed before. He concentrated so heavily on the chakra in his hands, not wanting to think about what the marks meant or any of the other injuries littering his body. Was this what Tsunade was talking about? Or was there more?
When he started to feel the tell-tale signs of exhaustion hitting him he let his hands drop. The bruises weren’t completely gone, but they were much less visible.
Focusing back on Kakashi, Iruka realized that the jonin was starting to drift off to sleep. And he was very cold if the goosebumps on his skin and shivering were any indication. Probably chakra exhaustion, although him barely being in any clothes probably wasn’t helping.
Thinking, Iruka summoned a clone and sent him off to grab some clean clothes from his house and extra blankets. So many blankets because Iruka was beginning to see just how bare the apartment was. The blanket currently wrapped around Kakashi seemed to be it.
Kakashi shifted closer to him.
“Uh, Kakashi?”
The so-called Cold-Blooded Copy-Nin snuggled further into him. “You’re warm,” he slurred, very obviously exhausted.
Iruka moved the man further onto his lap and wrapped his own arms around him. He held him tightly, as if he would slip away at any moment, still keeping an eye on his body language. If there was any sign of the other being uncomfortable he’d move. “Naruto calls me a space heater whenever he has a bad dream.”
Kakashi hummed in agreement. “Lucky him.”
He started to run his fingers through the silver hair before he knew what he was doing. He stopped when the other seemingly froze. “Sorry, I can stop.”
He pulled his hand away but a pale hand latched onto it and brought it back to his head. “Please, it feels good.”
Iruka continued the motion and felt the tension melt away. Did this guy ever get physical attention? Or any physical contact outside of sparring and fights?
He really didn’t like the picture that Kakashi was painting of his well-being.
-----
It wasn’t long before the clone returned. Kakashi hadn’t completely fallen asleep yet (it almost seemed like he was fighting it), so Iruka didn’t feel too bad about moving him to help put on a pair of sweatpants and one of Iruka’s favorite hoodies.
He looked kind of adorable in Iruka’s slightly too large clothing, although that was met with a similar level of concern at his small frame. Kakashi was indeed a little bit taller than Iruka, but still he looked so small .
He was almost completely asleep by the time he started to bundle the jonin in blankets. They weren’t too restricting and could easily be shrugged off, though he was concerned they might fall off in the middle of the night. Oh well, it was better than having the man wake up in a panic.
Iruka cupped Kakashi’s cheek with his hand, trying so hard not to soak in every feature on his face. Like oh god he has a beauty mark on his chin .
His hand drifted away, but a small whine met his ears. He found himself gazing into Kakashi’s pleading eyes. “Please stay.” His words were still slurring together, his eyelids drooping close.
Iruka’s face softened. “I’ll be right here, don’t worry. You’re safe.”
There was a sad look on Kakashi’s face as Iruka went and sat down on the only chair in the tiny apartment. He looked like he wanted to say something but he just dropped his gaze.
-----
Iruka jolted upright at the scream. He pulled out a kunai before he completely realized where he was and what was happening.
Memories flooded back and Iruka dropped the knife. He was in Kakashi’s apartment.
Kakashi-
He ran to the side of the bed. Sure enough the scream had come from Kakashi who was thrashing in the bed, eyes still closed. A nightmare.
Iruka felt useless as he stood there, no clue on what he should do. Should he wake him? His mind was made up the moment Kakashi’s fingers lingered over his left eye before dragging his nails down the skin. More angry lines followed where others were yet to fade.
He grabbed the jonin’s wrist and pulled the hand away. “Hey, shhh, you’re okay. You’re safe.”
All in that moment Kakashi’s whole body both froze in place and tensed up. The Sharingun shot open, casting an eerie red glow around the room. He shut his mouth quickly and clenched his jaw so hard Iruka was worried he was going to hurt himself.
He released the hand and it quickly darted away from him and into the now curled form.
Thoughts were buzzing around his head. What should he do? He was so afraid to touch him again, but he needed to calm him down somehow.
Kakashi was curled up in a ball, shaking and silently sobbing. His arms wrapped around him, his fingers digging deeply into his skin. There would definitely be bruising tomorrow.
Unable to sit back helplessly and watch him hurt himself anymore, Iruka sat down on the bed and pulled the man onto his lap. He was gentle with his movements and lifted a hand up to run through the silver locks of hair. He started to sing a bit of a song he faintly remembers his mother singing to him whenever he had a nightmare.
It took a while, but eventually it showed signs it was helping. The shaking had gone down, the tears slowing. Tension slowly seeped away and hands moved to his shirt, clinging onto him desperately. A second grey eye opened to join the red one and the haze that had clouded them slowly seeped away.
Kakashi blinked and looked up at Iruka, confused.
He smiled, hoping it was a comforting one. “How are you feeling?”
The Copy-Nin started to pull away from his grasp with a sense of reluctance. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry, now how are you feeling?”
All he got was a shrug as Kakashi turned his back to him, his shoulders hunched in on himself and head hung low. He was still shaking.
Iruka bit his lip. “Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need anything?”
A silence fell over them.
“You don’t have to do this, you know.”
Stunned, he didn’t know what to say. “Yeah?” Inwardly he cringed. That was all he could come up with to say?
“You should leave,” Kakashi said, his voice saying otherwise.
His heart ached for this man. “Is there someone else I should go get? Gai? Or maybe you should get Pakuun?”
The other man shook his head.
“I’m not just going to leave you here by yourself.”
Kakashi mumbled in response. “I’ve already been too much of a burden.”
The familiar feeling of anger roared its ugly head. “Kakashi, you are not a burden. And I’m here because I want to be here. I want to help you. So unless there is someone else you’d rather have here then you are going to be stuck with me until I’m sure you will be safe.”
“Safe?” he scoffed. “I can keep myself safe.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.” Iruka paused to carefully inspect Kakashi’s reaction. “I think you know what I’m talking about.”
His shoulders stiffened slightly. “I’m not a danger to myself.”
“Kakashi.”
“I’m not, okay?” he said defensibly. His voice was beginning to raise in pitch. “If I were they’d take me out of active duty and that is obviously not the case. It was just an accident. There’s nothing to worry about.”
Iruka pursed his lips. “What was the last thing you ate?”
“Umm, a ration bar?”
“Yet you’ve been home for at least a day. So either you didn’t eat since your mission or you’ve been living off of ration bars.” He scoffed. “And you go after Naruto and his instant ramen obsession.”
Kakashi at least had the decency to look guilty.
Iruka stood up abruptly which startled the jonin. He walked over to the take-out that he’d brought earlier. It was still somewhat warm, so they couldn’t have been asleep for too long. It should be fine. Hopefully. “Here, eat.” Iruka tossed him a box and chopsticks which he caught somewhat gracefully.
He looked down at it like Iruka had thrown him month-old laundry. Speaking of…
“Why don’t you have any clean clothes?”
Kakashi paused his eating with an eyebrow raised. “I don’t?”
Iruka gestured to all of the empty drawers.
The ninja looked down and seemingly realized for the first time what he was wearing. “Are these yours?”
“Yeah. You were freezing so I sent a clone off to get them and some spare blankets.” He looked pointedly at the heap of blankets. “You really should get more than just one.”
Something dawned on him. “I- You- I’m so sorry.”
“What?” Confusion filled his voice.
“I got all clingy last night”
Wow, talk about being an emotional disaster. “I was fine with it. I would have told you off otherwise and besides, you were half asleep and freezing. I would have probably done the same thing.” Seriously, when was the last time he got a hug?
“Still…” Kakashi looked uneasy.
“No. Like I said, I was fine with it. Look, if you had asked if we could cuddle, I totally would have.”
His grey eye lit up. “Is there a chance that the offer still stands?” he said before stopping as he processed the words that left his mouth. He sat in horror, avoiding Iruka’s gaze. Was he... blushing ?
Iruka gave the warmest smile he could. “That offer should still be good most of the time. Here, move over.”
Kakashi shifted his position on the bed, opening up a space for Iruka and lifting up the blankets for him to get under.
He removed his uncomfortable vest and removed his hair tie. He slipped into the bed before looking over at Kakashi who looked absolutely stunned. “What?”
“I’ve never seen your hair down before.” His voice had a sense of awe to it.
“Well,” Iruka rubbed his scar nervously, “It’s uncomfortable to lay down with my hair up or to keep it up for a long time either. And I guess I did see your face so it’s only fair.”
The other lifted a hand up. “Can I touch it?”
He wasn’t expecting that. “Uh, sure?”
Almost as if Kakashi was afraid, he shakily reached out. His fingers brushed over the hair, his eyes going wide the moment they touched. He retracted his hand, breathing out “It’s so soft.”
Iruka laughed. “Thanks, I try.”
Kakashi scooted closer to Iruka with all the hesitation of a stray cat, eventually resting his head on Iruka’s chest.
At that moment Iruka decided that he was going to protect this man at all costs.