Chapter Text
It's the last day of their tour and they can hear the screams of the fans from backstage. The euphoria to perform for the people they love and who love them incomparable to anything else.
Jisung was done with his hair and makeup, sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone. He always searched his name or the group's name to watch the recent videos or tweets and see what their fans were talking about.
He came across the cutest posts or the weirdest videos, all of them making him smile and feel giddy that there were people who kept up with them everytime. He still couldn't believe he was loved by so many. He scolled some more, and there it was.
The word which made his heart stammer and his fingers itch. Minsung. He didn't know what he felt. For a long time, he avoided that word. Avoided watching anything, reading anything. He knew about shipping culture. Hell, him and Minho even went above and beyond than the other members to encourage it.
Minho always being cheesy, Jisung always making sure to call them soulmates, Minho even surprising Jisung and calling them a couple and how dispatch would expose them. He remembers that day. How he was so flustered that he could only laugh loudly, something he always did to avoid awkwardness and steer away from the topic.
But one day, and he didn't mean to, he stumbled across a fanart, which was very....interesting. Of course it was a nude fanart. Of course. With his luck, what did he even expect? The moment he laid eyes on it, he knew it was both of them.
It showed them in a compromising position, lips attached and hands…..hands touching places that it made Jisung lightheaded. His first instinct was to lock his phone and throw it on the other end of the bed, looking around if someone saw. It was the first time he saw that type of fan content and he didn't know how to feel. He vaguely wondered if Minho has ever seen stuff like this and if yes, then what did he think, or feel.
The thought made color rise to his cheeks and sent his heart racing. He decided not to search for the word again and steer clear from those type of posts. But as they say, once a seed is planted, it takes root and spreads until it threatens to rise above the darkness. And Jisung tried. He really tried to keep it buried inside and not let it show.
But currently, it was right in front of him. The word. Which always made a mess of Jisung's mind and made him wonder if anything about it was true or genuine. He was lost in thought, when he suddenly felt the couch dip and a warm body cuddle upto him.
He quickly locked his phone, not needing to turn his face to know who it was. Minho's head was on his shoulder, his own phone in his hand, texting his friends.
"Whatcha doin'? Minho asked, not bothering to turn his head in Jisung's direction.
Jisung who was collecting himself from the sudden contact, stuttered out, "Nothing just scrolling through Twitter."
Ah, yes. Jisung had also started getting flustered whenever Minho came too close to him. His head was a mess already with all the feelings that he'd buried since four years and never dared to speak it out loud ever, lest it ruined everything they've built all these past years. So when Minho unabashedly clings to him and says the most cheesiest things to him in front of fans or the members, it makes Jisung all the more confused and flustered and he just knows how to laugh it off. He knows Minho doesn't mean any of those words. And as sharp and piercing as that thought is, Jisung bears it. Has been doing it for four years.
Minho turns to look at him. He glances down at his phone and sighs.
"I told you it's not good. Stop reading random people's opinions about yourself Ji. You're literally one of the best idols out there. You should not be concerned with what people on the internet say." He says with a concerned but genuine look.
Moments like these are what makes the roots of feelings spread even further in Jisung and threaten to burst out through the soil of his heart. Minho's been there when Jisung was going through an anxious phase, insecurity enveloping him as he seeked out negativity, searched for it and saw what people said about him. It made him feel unworthy, insignificant for a long time.
And Minho was there. Every step of the way, he was there to hold Jisung from breaking down, helping him build his confidence, encouraged him, supported his every decision and made him see what he couldn't see about himself.
There's a reason why he feels so much for Minho and this plays a huge part. Moments like these make him wonder if Minho does feel something for him, if the fans analyzing them and their moments are right, and if Minho does care about him more than the others and feel differently about him than the others.
"Ah don't worry honey. I was just scrolling through the concert pictures from yesterday." He smiles playfully. Calling each other honey started as a joke for fans, and now they run with it even in private, their own running joke.
Minho sighs in relief, ruffling Jisung's hair and smiles at him. And Jisung? Jisung struggles yet another day to keep his emotions in check.
The concert goes by in a blur, the screams and cries of fans echoing in his mind even after hours. They had arrived at the hotel an hour ago and settled into their rooms, Jisung sharing one with Hyunjin, who was currently giggling on his phone. Jisung wondered if Hyunjin ever saw posts like the ones he saw, if he ever got uncomfortable being shipped with a member.
He distantly remembers his leader and knows he would be immersing himself with work even though they've just finished touring. He wishes he could help. Help lift the weight and pain Chan carries, his own issues weighing down on him.
He's reminded of the time when Hyunjin and Chan released their song together, the sensual track so different than the stuff they had put out and the fans loved it. So much that there had been an influx of "hyunchan" moments which reached Hyunjin. They'd been sitting in the living room, Chan and Jisung discussing some show, Hyunjin sitting beside them scrolling on his phone when he started laughing.
Jisung and Chan both looked at him curiously, and Hyunjin showed them his phone screen, words glaring down at them.
Omg Chan and Hyunjin look so sexy together. They're really made for each other and this song proves it.
"This is hilarious Oh God. Our fans are really something else." Hyunjin said, still letting out snorts at the words.
Jisung smiled in reciprocation, not knowing what to say, but he didn't miss the defeated look in Chan's eyes. He'd seen that look many times, when Hyunjin talked about the staff who flirted with him that day and how he flirted back, when he dismissed Chan whenever he suggested tagging along on grocery shopping with Hyunjin, when he always kept giggling at his phone, talking to God knows who.
Sometimes, Jisung wants to shake his best friend by the shoulders and make him see what he's missing out on. Sometimes he wonders if Minho would react the same as Hyunjin if he ever brought the topic up. Jisung's not strong like Chan. His fragile heart wouldn't be able to bear it if Minho dismissed it so casually. But maybe he wouldn't. Maybe Minho did feel something.
The video opened on his phone currently was a fancam of today's tour. They had many segments where they played games, talked to each other, did aegyo for the fans, and overall had a fun time. In the video, Minho and Jisung were again on their agenda, with Jisung calling Minho honey, and Minho playfully hitting him on the shoulder and smiling. Jisung searched for Minho's eyes, searched for a specific look in them.
Another video. It was a candid moment where Minho was helping Jisung remove some glitter from his face. He had felt hot in his cheeks when it happened in real time, and he felt hot now when he saw it from the fans' perspective, their screams making him smile slightly. They really looked like they were in their own world, standing close together, with the others being at some distance.
Maybe.... just maybe he wasn't the only one who felt it. Maybe he can dare to hope. Dare to utter the words he's kept locked in the closet for so long.
He scrolled a little more and he saw it. A video of Jisung where he was doing aegyo for the fans, cringing internally but going through with it. When it happened on stage, he could hear the disgusted sounds the members were making, telling him to stop.
But what he didn't notice was the man beside him who looked at him with such a soft and fond look, like the stars were in his eyes. He could see through the phone how Minho looked at him, with such fondness and love.
Love. Maybe he was wrong to have kept it inside him for so long. Maybe the pining and suffering was unnecessary all this time. Maybe he can dare say it out loud, to himself. And to Minho. The thoughts make his heart race, and he can't help but feel a pleasant warmth running along his body. He shoves his face in the pillow, giddy smile ever present. He can't wait. He can do this.
He can't do this.
After flying back to Seoul, they were given a few weeks off to recuperate and relax after a tiring long tour. Most of the boys slept through days, making up for the hours they sacrificed sleep to practice and travel. Some went and met their families. Chan holed up in his studio. And Jisung running away whenever Minho entered the room to cuddle with him.
After realizing his feelings in their true vibrant form and nature, he decided he would talk to Minho, the thought itself making his heart beat furiously. But he still wanted to try. Wanted to give their relationship a chance. But it turned out to be very difficult as Jisung always froze whenever he tried to speak, nerves getting the best of him. There was a huge chance of him fucking up their friendship. The doubt always present in a small corner of his mind. He felt breathless whenever he looked at Minho, gorgeous and beautiful Minho. Did he really have a chance with him?
So whenever he tried, he failed. He just couldn't get the words out, walking away making up some excuse of work or sleep, leaving Minho confused in his wake. He knew he was being stupid, but there were precious years of friendship on the line. To gather courage to risk all that they had was a difficult task for Jisung. So he kept stalling.
Minho kept mostly to the practice room in the company, making up choreographies and practicing different styles, or he was in the kitchen at the dorm, trying out different recipes for the members. Jisung loved how Minho was so subtle in his way of caring for others, how he was so ambitious himself, how he loved people in his own bittersweet way.
He worked so hard and Jisung wanted to comfort him too, be supportive of his hyung and to give back as much as he can, or even more. His heart was full of love and adoration for the older, and it grew each day, bursting at the seams, trying to set free for the whole world to see.
It was a pleasant afternoon when Jisung woke up and his heart felt at peace. He was ready. Today he would tell Minho just how much he meant to him, and pray to every entity above that Minho returns his feelings at least a bit. He didn't think about what would happen if everything went to shit. That was a headache for later. Right now, his heart was full and his feelings overflowing, so much that he wondered if it showed on his face whenever he looked at Minho.
Everyone was lazing around in the living room, watching some show, or on their phones. He looked around for Minho, but he was the only one who wasn't there. Maybe he was in his room. Jisung quickly brushed and showered to get ready for the day. He'll take Minho outside for a walk and they can talk there, away from the clatter of everyone in the dorm.
If he gets rejected, maybe Jisung can run away, cross borders and change his identity and live under a different name. The thought makes him laugh lightly, as much as it scares him to the core. He was really about to risk it all, just because he couldn't contain his ever increasing feelings.
He walks to Minho's room after getting ready, steeling himself to face him. He knocks on the door. Nobody answers. He pushes the door open, and it's empty, no sign of Minho. He walks out to the living room where everyone is present.
"Hey guys where's Minho? He isn't in his room." He asks.
"He went to the company in the morning. Practice I guess." Seungmin says without lifting his head from his phone.
Jisung sighs. Now he need to go to the company and maybe from there they can go for a walk. At least the ride to the company will buy him more time to calm his racing heart down and control his nerves. As he's contemplating his next move, the front door opens. Minho walks inside, shrugging his coat off.
Jisung immediately perks up, smile on his face rising as soon as he looks at his hyung. Minho himself looks happy. He must've had a good day at practice.
"Hello boyssss." He plops down on the couch with a dopey smile on his face.
That's good. He's in a good mood. It's the perfect time, Jisung thinks.
"Uh huh... hello Min. Wassup? You look...happy?" Chan speaks up.
"Because I am." Minho chirps, smiling.
"Care to share?" Hyunjin drawls.
"Is there a discount at the Cafe downstairs?" Jeongin perks up, to which Seungmin smacks his head lightly. Jisung smiles at the scene. He turns to Minho.
"What happened hyung? You're in a good mood today? Let's go eat together to celebrate it." He shamelessly asks, ignoring the collective "hey we wanna come too" from the others.
"Well....it's nothing to celebrate about." Minho chuckles lightly, the smile not leaving his face. Jisung loves seeing Minho smile. It's one of the many things he loves about him.
"But maybe I can share with you losers." He continues conspirately.
There's a hum of agreement, everyone still busy with their phones or the TV. Only Jisung's watching him closely, mirroring his smile.
"Soo..... there's this trainee. In the company. We talked a lot these days." He says, looking around, eyes landing on Jisung, who quirks an eyebrow.
Minho smiles. "She's really nice."
Jisung's confused. He doesn't know why he's feeling so uncertain suddenly. Why is his hyung so happy and what's that got to do with a trainee?
"Okayyy?" He drawls.
Minho giggles, looking somewhat shy. His hyung is never shy. It's very rare that he's seen Minho shy and flustered. He doesn't feel good.
"Sooo......basically....I have a girlfriend now." He says slowly, then all at once.
The silence that follows is heavy. Phones and TV discarded, everyone jerk their heads up to look at Minho, eyes wide and shocked. Then the next second, there's screaming, the boys talking and howling all at once, bombarding Minho with questions and reaching upto him. No one except Chan notices how rigid Jisung's gone. The smile plastered on his face slowly fading, the noise ringing in his ears and making him dizzy.
His vision gets hazy when he keeps looking at Minho, laughing and giggling while the members are all over him, asking him to spill. He doesn't make out a single sentence of what they're speaking, his heart hammering in his chest with the sudden sharp pain piercing through it again and again as he keeps repeating the word in his head. Girlfriend. Girlfriend.
Minho has a girlfriend. Minho. His Minho has a girlfriend. His Minho never loved him. Would have never reciprocated his feelings. What was Jisung thinking? What was he about to do minutes ago?
He feels a hand gently hold his, subtle and slowly. His eyes, glassy and focused on Minho, turn towards his right. Chan is looking at him with concern, his eyes sad for Jisung. Of course he knew. Jisung is stupid if he thought his pining and suffering would go unnoticed by the leader, who had always put everyone and their problems before himself.
Jisung feels choked up and he's sure he won't be able to control his tears falling if he stands there a second longer. He gives Chan a defeated smile and slowly backs away, excusing himself quietly to the bathroom.
Thankfully Minho and the others are busy with their questions and answers, having no idea in the slightest that Jisung's world just titled on its axis. So they don't see him leaving. Chan sits down on the couch looking at them silently.
"When did you meet her?" He asks, leader mode on.
Minho manages to shove the others off him, smiling timidly at Chan.
"Umm we met months ago actually. But then the tour happened. We kept in touch via text. We only got to meet again after we came back a week ago."
"Oh. So that's why you went to the company daily? And we thought our hyung was concerned about practice." Hyunjin mocks playfully.
"Yah Hyunjin-ah! I'll kick you." Minho jokes.
Hyunjin laughs and so do the others. "So you were doing the nasty in the company eww." Seungmin fake retches.
"I'm gonna make all you losers starve now. Just wait." Minho shakes his head.
They all erupt into whines and complains, at which Minho laughs cheekily.
Jisung, on the other hand, has trouble standing on his shaking legs. His back hits the bathroom door, sliding down on the floor. He feels like his heart will come out of his throat any moment. He can still hear them talking, and Minho's laugh. Minho didn't even notice Jisung isn't there anymore. He doesn't care. He never did. Those people were wrong. His fans were wrong. He was wrong. A gut wrenching sob racks through him and he covers his hands tightly against his mouth to muffle it. He can't create a scene, can't embarrass himself even more than he already has even without saying anything. He turns the tap on, bucket below, to drown out his cries.
Minho kept in touch with this trainee for months. He talked to her over the phone during the entire tour, while Jisung was stupidly watching fancams and videos of them both. He liked her all the while Jisung was making himself believe that Minho liked him too. Just how stupid he was. Just how pathetic he looks now.
The thoughts choke him up and he can't stop crying, can't stop holding his screams inside any longer. He needs to get out. He needs to leave. He needs to run away. And he does just that.
He gets up and washes his face, closing the tap and looks into the mirror. He looks ruined. Of course he does, because he feels ruined too. Anyone would be able to tell he'd been crying if he walks out. So he puts the hood of his jacket over his head, trying to cover his face as much as possible without breaking down again and opens the door. He walks past the others quickly, mumbling a "got a call from the company" and leaves, shutting the door behind. He doesn't glance at anyone, knowing that if he looks at Minho right now, he'll see. He'll see everything Jisung's been hiding for years right on his face.
He thinks he hears Chan call out his name distantly, or maybe it was Minho. No, why would Minho call for him? He ignores it and runs down the stairs, not bothering waiting for the elevator. It's still bright outside, sun slowly setting in the horizon, when he steps outside the building. He tries to take in as much air inside him as he can, feeling breathless and hollowness making space inside him. His tears fall involuntarily and he doesn't bother to wipe them off, limbs anyway feeling heavy and nonfunctional.
He starts walking, not knowing where to go. He just needs to leave the area. The surrounding which is filled with memories of Minho and him together. The convenience store they make a home out of at nights of hunger, the Cafe below where Minho occasionally bought him drinks from, the park where they both spent hours discussing their future. He wonders if Minho ever saw Jisung in his future. If he ever wanted him to be in it.
His ears keep ringing, everything around him sounding distorted. He was stupid enough to think Minho would ever return his feelings. No, he was stupid to even fall for his band mate in the first place. All Minho did for him was out of platonic love for a fellow member, and out of the goodness of his heart. And Jisung feels mad at himself for even questioning Minho's feelings and making them out to be something they weren't. He doesn't even know if Minho even liked men. Well now he knows.
His face is streaked with tears and he's sure he must look miserable to passerbys, but he doesn't care. He can't bring himself to care when he feels an ever growing hollowness in his chest, beating him down and not letting him breathe. The same pure feelings he kept buried growing like toxic vines and creeping around his fragile heart and pricking the muscle with their spines. But he keeps walking, bordering on running, adrenaline carrying his feet easily.
It's even later than sunset, darkness engulfing around him, when he stops. He hopes he's far enough. Far enough from the source of his pain, even though he knows no one's at fault but himself. It was never and never will be Minho's fault for not loving him back. But he's too hurt to make sense of his emotions and act maturely. He briefly wonders if they were looking for him. Jisung doesn't have his phone on him, left on his bedside table when he went looking for Minho, feeling excited at the prospect of talking to him that afternoon. He lets out a dark self depricating chuckle at the thought. He really thought it would work out huh?
They'd know he's not at the company too. A few more hours and they'd be searching for him. Would Minho worry? Would he care? Of course he would care. He cared about everybody. It was Jisung's fault for mistaking his care as something special and only meant for him.
He looks around and sees a familiar building. He really walked to his parents' place for hours. He goes upstairs and knocks on the door, head hanging low when his mother opens it. It takes one glance from her for him to break down in her arms.
"Shh it's okay my baby. Come on. Come inside. It's okay." She comforts, arms around him.
"M-mom...." He stammers, too choked up to form a coherent sentence.
She carries him to her bedroom, his father and brother probably out, and makes him sit on the bed, cradling his head on her shoulders. Jisung has had some anxiety issues and breakdowns in the past and he's always found comfort in his mother's arms, so, no wonder she thought it was one of the same episodes as she comforted him without question. He thinks it's better that way, not wanting to share the tornado of feelings building inside him since years. He just needs to be held and cry to his heart's content.
She brings him some warm chocolate drink, running her soothing hands through his hair, while he tries to sip the drink, his throat closing up and making it difficult for him to swallow down anything, while he cries. He felt pathetic to be crying in front of her at his big age, but Jisung's mom was nothing if not sensitive and understanding. He knew she would never judge him or speak about his breakdowns to anyone, a thought that comforted him greatly.
He knew he had to face the others, especially Minho some day. But it wasn't today. So, he asks his mother if it was okay if he stayed there for some days, to which his mother beamed at him and prepared his bed in the guest room, always happy to have her son spend time with her.
Before going to bed, he contemplates calling the others and letting them know he was okay. He bites his lip, clearing his throat, before he diales Chan's number from his mother's landline. He prays he doesn't sound like he feels.
After only one ring, Chan picks up.
"Hello?" He hears his leader, loud sounds in the background, people shouting.
"Hey hyung. It's me." Jisung manages to speak without stammering or choking up.
"Jisung!! Where are you? I've been looking for you for hours Holy shit!" He hears Chan scream, background voices raising and coming near the phone.
He could make out the members shouting "Is that Jisung?" "Is he okay?" "Where the hell is he?". Ironically he doesn't hear Minho at all, a fact which makes his heart chip a few pieces.
"I'm okay hyung. I'm at home." He sniffles, hoping Chan would understand. "I'll come back in a few days."
There was silence on the other end. He knew his hyung was worried sick. "Yeah...okay...yeah Ji take some time off. And I'll be here when you're back okay? Don't worry about us." Chan said comfortingly. He couldn't stop the cry he let out after hearing it. He really was lucky to have Chan.
"T-thank you hyung. I'll take care." He answered, preparing to keep the receiver down, when he hears shuffling on the other side and suddenly it was Minho speaking.
"Ji? Are you okay? Where did you go? How could you leave like that what the hell? I was so worried. Are you alright? Do you need me to come and get you?" Minho rambled.
Jisung muffles his sob with his other hand, eyes squeezed shut, not able to stand Minho's concerned and worried voice. He could hear Chan in the back asking Minho to "let him be" and Minho's "Shut up Chan". He doesn't bother answering, putting the receiver down to end the call. Minho would've heard the pain and desperation in his voice if he uttered a single word. He couldn't let that happen.
He falls down on the bed, shoving his face in the pillows and muffles his cries all night.
It's been three days since he's been holed up in his parents' home, his father and brother checking up on him from time to time, while his mother makes him all kinds of dishes to enjoy. She must've asked the other two men to not pry too much and leave him be and he's grateful for that.
He spends the days in the balcony spacing out, looking at the sky and wanting to just float away. The nights are spent on the bed, zoning out and staring at the wall. He's sure he's emptied his tear ducts and there's nothing left anymore, with how much he's sobbed these days. He feels numb.
There has been no calls from the boys, courtesy Chan. And he knows he's pushing his luck. On the fourth day, he decides to head back to the dorms, still not knowing what he'll do when he faces Minho.
His mother packs some dishes for the members and makes him promise ten times that he'll take care of himself and come to her if anything bothers him. He thanks his family for their hospitality and leaves, with a heavy bag of food and a heavy heart.
He decides to walk back to the dorm, instead of hailing a cab. By the time he reaches the front door, it's been three hours. He hopes those three hours were enough for him to build some courage and strength to face the reason of his constant despair without succumbing to it.
He couldn't have been more wrong, as the door opens and there stands Minho, in all his ethereal stunning glory. And Jisung feels his legs weaken beneath him. He stares at him, struggling to catch his breath when Minho hugs him suddenly.
"I missed you Ji. Why did you leave so suddenly? And that too for days!" Minho says, his voice muffled in Jisung's shoulder.
Jisung mentally berates himself for losing all semblance of function whenever he sees Minho, hands still on his sides, and body frozen rigid. He forces himself to stop being pathetic and act like a normal human for once. He needs to get his act together if he wants to have a peaceful life and career with the others. With Minho.
He slowly lifts his hands and places them on Minho's back, trying so very hard to not let him sense his shaking hands.
"Hey Min. Sorry I had to leave. Mom wanted me there for some work." He croaks out.
Minho removes himself from his shoulder and looks at Jisung, pouting. Oh God. Does he really have to do that? Jisung's heart stutters.
"Alright....but don't leave without telling any of us again. Okay?" Minho orders.
He nods, smiling forcefully. "Yeah."
Jisung goes into his room, gets a change of clothes and walks to the bathroom to wash up. Minho's in the kitchen, heating up the dishes Jisung's mom had sent. He looks at Jisung and smiles brightly. Jisung's eyes get glassy and he smiles back, walking to the bathroom before the tears fall.
He takes a long shower and let's the tears falls as much as he can until there's nothing left of his hurt except a dull throbbing numbness. He needs to deal with his issues seeing that there's nothing he can do other than accept reality and live with it. He has his entire career, and more importantly his friendship with the others on the line here. Some things are just not meant to be, and maybe this was one of them.
He needs to fix himself, get out there and congratulate his friend for starting a new chapter of his life, even if it kills him to realise he's not a part of it. He needs to be supportive of Minho just like the way he's supported Jisung in every phase of his growing years. He can't be selfish anymore.
He spends a little more time inside, making sure he doesn't look haggard and steels himself to accept fate. He walks out, changed into fresh clothes and joins the others at the dinner table, everyone digging in at the homemade food. They look up as Jisung nears them and greet him loudly, half of them hugging him.
"Hannie! We missed you. Why did you leave?" Jeongin perks up.
"He had work Innie. Forget about it. Let's eat. Jisung come sit here." Chan smiles, saving Jisung from lying again.
He smiles back and thanks Chan, sitting beside him. He notices how Minho kept a free chair beside him but doesn't dwell too much on it. They talk casually, nothing too serious for Jisung, until Hyunjin, the ever loudmouth, smirks and elbows him in the stomach lightly.
"Hannie you went out at the worst time really. Did you know our dear old hyung finally got a girl?" He giggles innocently, not knowing the amount of will it takes Jisung to not freeze again and swallow the food down his throat.
Minho kicks Hyunjin under the table, both of them playfully going back and forth. He sees Chan from the corner of his eye getting ready to change the topic, so Jisung catches his hand and shakes his head subtly. He knows if they keep deviating from the topic and stop them from bothering Jisung with it, it would look suspicious. They all know Minho and Jisung are attached to the hip, so for Jisung to not comment on it would seem very odd.
"Oh yeah...I did hear something about that, but mom called and I had to leave immediately. I did miss out on all the important details though." He smiles, stuffing his face with the rice so his expression doesn't betray him in any way.
He looks at Minho, trying to smile with a mouthful of food, encouraging him to continue. Minho looks at him with something in his eyes. He doesn't think too much about it lest he loses his last remaining threads of sanity.
Minho goes to open his mouth before Seungmin interrupts him.
"Please not again. I don't wanna hear that cheesy stuff again. You can tell him alone without making us cringe a second time."
They all cackle, Minho blushing a pretty pink. The sight used to take his breath away before, now it does it for a different reason. He smiles tightly and looks down at the plate pointedly, as if the way to deal with this everyday from now on is written among the morsels of rice and noodles.
They retire to bed later in the night, Jisung quietly sneaking into the room while Jeongin is sleeping. He's lying under his duvet on the precipice of sleep, when the door creaks open quietly and the bed dips beside him. He turns his head to look at the figure with bleary eyes, and suddenly he's wide awake.
Minho gets under the duvet and wraps an arm around his waist pulling him closer. Oh yeah. They used to do this. More like Jisung used to do this and Minho begrudgingly let him cuddle.
'Hey Ji.....you good?" Minho's soothing voice floating in the air.
Jisung hums in affirmation, squeezing his eyes shut even when his back is towards Minho's chest. Minho shuffles closer, one hand playing with Jisung's hair.
"Umm....I wanted to talk to you...you know...about Jieun." Minho whispers.
Jisung immediately realises who Jieun is. Putting a name to a faceless person makes the entire situation seem even more real and hearing it from Minho's mouth causes a sour taste in his own. It's a real person and not just a nonexistent entity Minho made out of thin air. He tries to control his breathing.
"Yeah? Umm tell me....tell me everything." He whispers back, a tear drop falling from the corner of his eye, trailing down his nose and onto the bed. If the weight of the misery behind every tear of his could be measured, Minho would've surely felt the bed shake.
He can feel Minho smiling behind him. "Ji...she's amazing. She's so pretty and talented. I'm sure she's gonna debut soon. She had initially reached out to me, asking for tips and I was happy to help you know? I could see she was really pretty, but man....when she danced? God Ji she's so amazing. I was mesmerized on the spot." He sighs dreamily, soft breathes hitting the nape of Jisung's neck.
"Uh huh....she sounds great hyung. And then?" He chokes out, attempting to seem interested in knowing more, when all he wants is to sleep for 70 hours straight and forget about real life.
"Then she gave me her number...said it's for whenever she needs more advice, so I asked her how can she ask me anything when only I have her number." He giggles lightly. "She was so flustered...then she shyly asked me for my number. I teased her for a bit haha but she was pretty chill. Umm...then I gave her my number and she messaged me at night. Remember that day after practice when you were so hungry you said you'll eat a horse and asked me to come to that restaurant with you but I couldn't?" He inquired. Jisung knew where this was going and it did nothing to help his growing pain.
"Yeah?"
"Well that was the day she messaged me first. I was so excited so I stayed in bed all night talking to her. Ji she's so nice and fun!" He hugged him closer.
Jisung remembers that day, even though it's been months. He made a joke and everybody joined in adding their own punchlines. There was a newly opened restaurant just two blocks away and Jisung wanted to go there for the first time with Minho. The elder had been busy the entire time and he was sure he'd accompany him later as he hadn't eaten much that day.
But when Jisung asked, he made up some excuse of staying at home and eating ramen, citing tiredness. Jisung believed him as he'd seen just how much Minho had practiced that day. He walked him to the dorm and went to the restaurant alone, buying some takeaway for Minho. If only he knew all the while the elder was busy flirting with a trainee...
His eyes and jaw hurt with how much he's squeezing them tight, not to let out any tear or sound. He's so tired of feeling this way, and it's only been days. He doesn't know how he'll be able to go on everyday from now on listening to Minho gush about his girlfriend.
"I'm so happy for you h-hyung." He hopes Minho didn't catch the stutter. So embarrassing.
"Thanks Ji. I wanted to tell you all about it when it was happening but I wasn't sure if it would end up as something serious. But she asked me out and honestly I was surprised. But she's really sweet, not to mention again but an amazing dancer...so so talented. So I took up on her offer for coffee and went out a bit more. We left for the tour a month later, and then, when we came back....we both just thought we'll make this thing exclusive, you know.... so yeah."
Oh, so she asked him out. Not that it matters because he still agreed and made it exclusive after a few months.
"No worries hyung. I'm glad you're happy. You are, right?" He adds belatedly.
"Yeah Jisung. I feel happy. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." Minho says.
"It's really not a big deal hyung. It's your life. You don't need to tell me everything." He says tired.
"What do you mean? Ji... you're my best friend. Of course I'll share stuff with you. Don't you?" He pushes. "Won't you share your feelings with me?"
And Jisung doesn't know how he does it, but the sob crawling up his throat doesn't get out. He exhales shakily.
"Yeah hyung. I will." He breathes.
"Good. Coz I wanna know everything my cute little dongsaeng feels or whenever he has a problem. Got it?"
Jisung doesn't deign it with an answer, and just hums. He prays Minho stops talking and just let's him fall asleep and float away into nothingness.
Minho seems to read his mind as he settles in further and says a quick "goodnight Ji" and goes to sleep.
Tomorrow when Jisung wakes up, he's going to choose himself and his sanity. If he's to survive the coming days and years and live with Minho under the same roof while he's in love with someone else, he needs to put himself first and stop carrying his heart on his sleeve. He needs to stop letting Minho affect him to the point he feels his heart break. As if it's something tangible. He can't do that to himself.
All these years, the members and especially Minho have helped him stand up, build confidence and courage....he can't lose all that and go back to ashes by the hands of his own love. His own Minho.
Tomorrow he'll shove his heart in a silver cage and throw the glittering key so far away, Minho won't be able to ever find it.