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English
Series:
Part 1 of Missing You & Still Breathing
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Published:
2021-08-20
Completed:
2023-09-21
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295,684
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50/50
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Missing You

Summary:

If there's anything Peter knew, it was guilt. No matter how much he tried, he still failed. So, he tried to be better, to be lighter, to be faster. He never thought it would catch up to him.

But now that May had to leave for a postgraduate degree, he was left to live with Tony Stark.
Things wouldn't change. He was still Spider-Man, and he would do his best to live up to it, no matter what.

What could go wrong?

___________________

The one where Peter finds himself fighting his demons in the Avengers Compound, trying his best to succeed - whatever that meant.

Inspired and lowkey based on Missing You by All Time Low

I'm on X as ao3_nk_d26! Lets be friends, I'll always be open to suggestions and chatting about both stories :)

Chapter 1: I heard that you've been self-medicating

Chapter Text

It all started crashing down when Ben died. Before, Peter was a regular kid. He was happy and bubbly and fascinated by life and all it had to offer. There was little he didn't enjoy of it, even the parts most people would hate. He appreciated the rain and the sun. Even when the subway was always crammed and had a particular smell to it; it made it all feel so real and alive.

Every minute he spent at school was incredible, being constantly amazed at the knowledge his teachers had and how he was becoming smarter and would be able to help people in the future. Peter felt like being alive was a gift, and he planned on living his life as such. After his parents died, he made a promise to himself that he would try and live life to the fullest, and so he did for a while.

When his uncle died, Peter felt a void he couldn’t quite explain. It wasn’t like he hadn’t experienced loss before, he certainly had his fill of it, but this time was different. The only person left in his life was his aunt May, they were alone and would have to be enough for each other.

Peter felt like a burden to May, like she had to take on the mess of a kid that was left by the death of his parents. His life used too much of her space and he was sucking the life out of her, terrified that, as he thought, she would die for being related to him.

They couldn’t live a lavish life, that much he knew, having to make sacrifices to make ends meet. Peter tried not to ask for much, opting for using old stuff they had laying around. May was working overtime to keep up with their needs, and he felt so helpless and useless, there wasn't really a way in which he could contribute to the household.

Instead, Peter decided to eat less at home, with the excuse that he’d eat at school or at Ned’s house. It was never a lie; he did try to eat as much as he could when he wasn’t home so that the price that May paid for groceries wouldn’t increase.

After the bite, there were evident changes in who Peter was, and how his body responded to the new enhancements. The way his metabolism worked had a massive shift; it increased in a way that was hard to describe. He knew he needed much more energy to keep up with his daily activities. It was obvious that he needed more food if he wanted to keep up with his vigilante self, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask May for more.

It would seem weird to ask for crazy amounts of food overnight, and he knew May wouldn’t refuse, but he decided that it wasn’t necessary. His body was now much more able to withstand imbalance, and it would be able to make up for the unintentional lack of nutrients.

After recognizing his new powers, Peter realized he had to protect his city, he wanted to prevent something like what happened to Ben from ever happening to anyone ever again. So, he started the so infamous patrolling every night. He was on the lookout for anyone who could need his help.

There was a very satisfying sense of heroism when he stopped a mugging or when he’d intervene in what seemed like an attempted murder. He was finally contributing to make Queens a better place. Peter knew he had to be better. In the media, thin people were advertised as healthy people, and so he acted according to that. If food made people fat, and fat meant lazy, and lazy meant useless to his city, why would Peter ever want to eat?

____________________

Peter knew that he could stop a car with his bare hands without breaking a sweat; he recognized his strength. It was easy to get caught if he didn’t lay back on how he performed his everyday tasks as Peter Parker. Acting weaker in gym class was weird, but he had to ensure that he wouldn’t raise suspicion among his classmates about his alternate persona.

What would they say if the invisible kid suddenly became a star athlete? Everyone would start questioning him and he wanted to avoid that at all costs. Of course, regardless of what he did, Flash would always be there to make fun of him and bother him. “Hey Penis, looking like a real slob over there” he’d say when he purposefully fell off the climbing rope. Peter knew it shouldn’t bother him, he could slap Flash and permanently shut him up if he wanted, but he kept quiet, but the words always resonated in his head.

His daily food intake started to decrease steadily. It was small at first, almost unnoticeable. Before Ben died, Peter ate 4 meals at home. He’d eat breakfast, a second lunch, a midafternoon snack, and dinner. His uncle always said that Peter was a growing boy and that he’d do wonders, so he needed all the energy he could get. May was never that great of a cook, but he loved eating with his family, it was the highlight of his days, always appreciating every moment.

After Ben’s death, he decided to skip breakfast and sometimes dinner, saying he was late and that he had packed something to eat on the subway. A lot of nights he’d say he was eating at Ned’s. Regardless, May was taking some night shifts to try and compensate the increase in rent and the overall rise in the prices of everything; the economy wasn’t doing that good.

That gave Peter the perfect excuse to skip his dinner. After becoming Spider-Man, Peter also started reducing his portions at lunch in school, excusing himself to the library so that he could be smarter and thinner, or so he thought. Maybe the universe was giving him the opportunities to be better; it had to be a sign.

When Tony recruited Peter to fight alongside him in Germany, the teen felt an immense pressure to keep up with the Avengers’ standards. After all, they were the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, and he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of the people he’d always looked up to. Peter always saw them as these unbelievably perfect figures, and he aspired to be like them.

Peter wasn’t an idiot; he knew that he had to eat more to be useful to Tony Stark in a fight. So, it was unquestionable that he had to eat more during the trip. It paid off, surely; he hadn’t felt that type of strength since he was bitten, it was exhilarating. But after Happy and Tony dropped him off again at his apartment in Queens, he was brought back to real life and realized how badly he had fucked up.

It had gotten too far; he lost control and ate more than he ever intended to. But he had to keep up the façade for even more people in his life. It wasn’t just about May and Ned, he now had to cover up his lifestyle to his genius idol.

After the ferry fiasco, Tony took away Peter’s new suit, and it was devastating. He had never felt so disgusting and disappointed in himself. Not only did he let himself down, but he had also failed the city and the person he looked up to the most. This was all his fault for not pushing himself to be better.

With his mishap in Germany, it became harder for Peter to restrict his intake. It seemed like his body was reluctant to listen to him, and his instincts took over. He ate and he wasn’t fit enough to hold the ferry together by himself. Succumbing to his thoughts, Peter started to skip almost every meal, only eating when May was home, which was a rare occurrence; she’d been working overtime to try and get a promotion.

Peter completely isolated himself from his friends, avoiding their worried glances when he had to support himself on a wall so he wouldn’t fall to the ground. He could sense that MJ was picking up on his habits, but Peter was thankful that she didn’t care enough.

He still felt the need to protect the people of Queens, regardless of his declining health. During homecoming and the issue with his date’s father, Peter felt in his protruding bones that he wasn’t strong enough to face the Vulture. But he did anyway and felt the consequences when he really struggled to pull the fallen warehouse’s concrete off him. The physical strength to withstand a fight with Captain America was there, but the lack of food made him almost as weak as he was before becoming Spider-Man.

This weakness also reflected on how he couldn’t save Toomes from being harmed in the explosion of the wings. He felt incredibly guilty and worthless. In his head, there was nothing that he could do right. His eating habits were taking a toll on him, constantly suffering debilitating headaches. Peter couldn’t stand it anymore, and with his wounds, he swung back to his apartment to take a bunch of pain meds. He wasn’t trying to kill himself; he just didn’t know how many would ease his pain and the voice inside his head.

When he rejected Tony’s offer to become an official Avenger, Peter didn’t expect to hear more of the man. The offer was a mere courtesy for not entirely wrecking the billionaire’s plane. It was completely impossible that Tony Stark wanted to see his face ever again.

But oh boy, was he wrong. Tony started being a constant presence in his life, even getting closer to May to such lengths that he basically had her blessing to spend more time with Peter at the Compound. There was some unspoken agreement between May and Tony which gave him the authority to reprimand Peter when necessary. Apparently, she really trusted him and his judgement.

May got that promotion she wanted. She was offered the position on the condition that she’d go to Sweden to get a postgraduate degree. Peter didn’t want her to go, she was his only family, but he knew it was too big an opportunity to let it slide. So, he put on his best poker face and told her it would be okay.

They were sitting on the couch, discussing the opportunity, and eating take out Thai food. It was their thing, he felt closest to her when they got to sit by each other and talk about everything and nothing. These were the only kind of the very limited times in which he didn’t care about what he ate, he just was there with his aunt, enjoying her presence.

“Are you sure about this? I can call right now and tell them I can’t go right away, I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”
“It’s fine aunt May! I’m going to be just fine. You go have fun and learn as much as you can. I can’t wait for you to come back and tell me all about it.”
“Well, if you’re sure about it…”

There was a moment where she seemed doubtful and deep in thought. It scared Peter because he knew what that meant. There was an underlying tone in the conversation, and he knew the biggest problem would be him and what would happen to his living arrangements.

“… I already talked to Tony and he’s more than happy to welcome you into his home while I’m gone.”

Before she could finish her sentence, Peter’s mind was running a thousand miles an hour. He couldn’t imagine the burden it would be for Mr. Stark to take him in, he knew that he didn’t need a troubled teenager to take care of.

“What? There’s no way, I’m almost an adult, I can take care of myself here, I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I’m sorry, Peter, I can’t leave you alone here, and even if I could, I wouldn’t, I love you too much, honey. Think about it! You’re going to have so much fun, and he’ll be able to provide everything you need.”
“But I have everything I need right now...”
“I love you Peter, but it’s already been arranged.”

Pulling him into her arms and being embraced by her like the world was ending was one of the most reassuring feelings he had ever experienced. Peter wanted the moment to freeze. He wanted to stay like this forever, and he certainly wanted to avoid the uncertainty that came with living with Tony Stark.

And that was it. Peter just waved goodbye to his aunt at the airport, and he felt the world crumbling around him. He was terrified of every thought inside his head. But he didn’t have the time to dwell on it, as the next thing he heard was probably what his everyday would look like for the next two years.

“Cmon kid, we have a lot of stuff to do and I don’t have all day.”

Tony wasn’t all that excited to have spent the last three hours of his life waiting for Peter to say goodbye. Peter knew he had loads of work to do, but he appreciated that he seemed to notice that he needed it. Tony was being so uncharacteristically patient, and Peter was grateful for it. Regardless, as soon as May walked past immigration, he was hurrying Peter to leave.

____________________

So that brings us up to speed. Peter was now at the gates of the intimidating Avengers’ compound, scared as he had ever been and counting the minutes until his aunt was back.

“Are you coming in or are you planning to stand right there for the next two years?”

Chapter 2: in the quiet of your room

Summary:

Let me know what you think and your suggestions.
Notes at the end of the chapter.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The building was intimidatingly huge. Peter had already been to the compound a hundred times before, but he’d only been to the main building once, and it was still overwhelming. When entering, he recognized the two orange couches that were under the massive Avengers A. He was too in awe to pay attention until he heard Tony speak.

“Hey kid, you there?”

Apparently, Peter zoned out. He remembers every single time he imagined how it would be like, the place where the avengers worked. Even though he’d been to this lobby before, it still made his insides turn to realize that he got to see it.

“Yeah, sorry, what were you saying?”

Even though he wasn’t facing Tony, Peter could practically hear his eyes rolling. He had developed that particular skill and Peter didn’t know what to make of it.

“Let’s go Pete, I’ll show you to your room. I have a lot of work to get through today.”
“Wait, my room?”
“Yes, where else did you think you’d be staying?”

Tony led them through the doors on the left to a hallway he recognized all too well. He was there just a couple of months ago when he rejected Tony’s offer to become an official Avenger. Peter had never gone past the entry to the press room. There was this tinted glass door to the right, which he assumed led to their destination. He was so very wrong. The door led to a room which only had stairs on the left side, some sofas, counters with coffee and water, and then a massive door that led outside.

“Uhm, Mr. Stark? Aren’t the bedrooms upstairs?”

He really tried to sound as chill as possible, but nervousness was clear in his voice. He had absolutely no idea how he was going to deal with this for the next two years.

“What? Of course not. This building is for official business, it’s where we hold all those lengthy Avengers meetings and occasionally greet bureaucrats.”
“Oh.”

It was at that very moment that Peter realized the extent of the premises. Of course, Tony Stark would have a building dedicated only to work, what was he even thinking?

They continued their way silently, Peter following closely behind Tony. He led them through the doors and arrived at what Peter understood was some sort of park that pointed to three distinct buildings. They were similar in shape, all three being long cuboids with darkened glass windows. Mr. Stark guided him through the building on the left, which Peter assumed would be the one he would be sleeping in. When entering, he saw the mustard-colored couches that were placed in front of the elevator that faced the door. On the left was a bathroom and he could peak what seemed to be a dining room, he only saw a couple of chairs, the corner of a table and what probably was a wall of extremely expensive wines.

“Let’s go kid, almost there.”

Tony took the stairs up that were on the right side of the entrance and arrived at a pretty nice landing area, which had seemingly expensive red couches and a modern fireplace. Behind the couches was a long wall of bookcases and Peter could only imagine the type of books he’d find. On the right side of the fireplace was a glass door, through which they went through. There were four doors total, and he assumed they were there.

“So, Pete, this is just a storage room, nothing fancy. There’s nothing important there, but you’re free to rummage all around.”

He pointed to the first room on the corner, it seemed kind of small but then again, why wouldn’t Tony Stark have a whole bedroom sized storage room?

“Up next is Rhodes, he’s not here much but I’m pretty sure he promised he’d come by this weekend. By his side is Bruce’s room. He’s –”
“You’re saying that the Bruce Banner lives here?”

Peter couldn’t stop himself from interrupting Tony. Peter had always looked up to Tony when it came to engineering, but Bruce was a legend, and he couldn’t believe he was going to meet him.

“Yes, Peter, thank you very much for letting me finish. He lives here full time but doesn’t spend much time in his room.”

Why. Why did he interrupt Tony. Peter could feel his cheeks flush red and looked to his feet to try and avoid Tony’s gaze.

“And this is you.”
He opened the door of the room that was in front of Bruce’s.

When entering, he first noticed the bed. It was huge and evidently comfortable. The duvet was dark blue and was accompanied by 4 neatly placed gray pillows. On the left side of the bed was the door to the bathroom. Apparently, everyone got one for themselves because why the hell wouldn’t this place have a bathroom for everyone. It was pristine. The bathroom had marbled cream-colored tiled walls and brown tiles for the floor. There was a counter by the door and next to it was the sink. Then there was the toilet and an extremely modern shower that rivaled the size of his room back in Queens.

On the other side of the bed was his dresser. It was not a surprise that it was a walk-in closet, which already had his clothes from Queens. Happy must have had them dropped off while they were at the airport. In front of the window that was besides the closet was a desk with the latest StarkPad, a new computer and a red lamp. In front of the bed was a beautiful loveseat which was under the mounted TV.

“I hope you’ll like it kid. We can change whatever you want, just let me know.”
“It’s amazing Mr. Stark, thank you so much!”

Peter almost wanted to hug the man, but he knew it would be a disaster, and incredibly awkward so he just smiled at Tony.

“Well, I’m gonna head upstairs, I have some phone calls to Shanghai I promised Pepper I’d do for her. You should sleep, Peter. You’ve been up since way too early. I’ll wake you up for lunch and we can talk.”
“O- Okay, Mr. Stark, that sounds good, thank you.”
“Don’t sweat it. See you later.”

Peter sat in his bed and fell on his back with a heavy sigh. He had been holding his breath for a long time now and he was finally alone, he could finally put down the façade for a minute. Truth be told, he was feeling miserable. He felt like a stranger and like he didn’t belong and too small in that huge room, feeling like a burden. How was he supposed to live here for two years? There must be another way, he thought.

Tony was right though; he hadn’t slept. He spent most of the night out on patrol and, at 3am, he ‘woke up’ with May to pack up the last few things and to head to the airport with her. She had insisted that her travel wasn’t until the end of the school year, so the day of her flight was the Saturday after his final exam. Peter didn’t want to think about what would happen when he woke up, so he just curled himself into a ball and let out a few tears before he fell asleep.

 

“Hey kid, wake up, it’s lunchtime.”

Peter was groggily reminded of where he was and what was going on. It was truly surprising that Tony would personally go to wake him up, instead of having FRIDAY do it. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t heard her since his arrival.

“mhphm…”
“I ordered Chinese, didn’t really feel like cooking and there’s no one around today. Hope you like it.”

He followed Tony downstairs where he could now get a proper look of the common area of the building. On the left side of the elevator; in front of the bathroom was the archway that led to the dining and kitchen. There was a long dining room with 8 seats and a kitchen on the left corner. It had dark brown counters and cabinets, all very sleek and modern. The kitchen island had the sink on it and had red barstools. On the right side of the kitchen was the living room. It had a long L-shaped sofa and a couple of cream-colored living chairs. In front of the couch was a big TV with some speakers to the side.

Behind the couch was a table football, which Peter assumed was mostly used by Rhodey and Tony. On the wall behind the couch were several pictures of the first versions of the Iron Man suit, it was mesmerizing to see how much Tony had improved it.

“C’mon kid, we have a lot to discuss.”

They sat down in the dining table facing each other, an evident awkwardness in the room. Tony served his plate with 3 steamed vegetable dumplings, about 9 big pieces of orange chicken and a big portion of fried rice. Peter started getting anxious and fiddled with his fingers under the table, trying to make it seem like everything was ok, but numbers were running through his mind and the total was getting too high.

“So, here’s the deal. We’re going to have to set some ground rules here. I’m responsible for you now, however ironic that may be, so we need to be on the same page.”

Tony paused for a moment, getting a piece of chicken into his mouth, and gesturing Peter to start eating. It was hard to keep his cool and act like it didn’t faze him, but it was hard.

“You’re free to go wherever you want in the Compound, we’re going to have to set you up so that FRIDAY gives you access. We’ll do that tomorrow. I can’t show you around today, but I’ll have someone do it. Take your pick kid, I’m fairly sure Bruce, Wilson, Barnes and Cap are around here somewhere.”

He said it like it was no big deal and for a second, Peter forgot the amount of food that was on his plate and turned to look at him incredulously.

“You’re telling me that they live here? Why would they?”

Peter vividly remembers what happened in Germany. Even though back then he didn’t understand what was going on, he now knew what the fight was about, and he agreed with Tony.

“We’re working through it, Peter. We have frequent meetings to amend the accords, we’re trying to stick together as a team. God knows it’s much more fun to fight someone with two super soldiers by your side than to get your ass handed to you by them.”

He spoke so naturally about it, like Siberia didn’t happen, it was, in the most literal sense of the word, unbelievable.

“What about Mr. Barnes?”
“What about him?”
“You know, the whole thing with his arm and his mind.”
“He dealt with it, Shuri made sure of it when he spent time in Wakanda. They even gave him a cool new arm, it’s really impressive.”
“Oh”

Silence filled the room once again and Peter took the chance to mess around his plate with his fork, he knew how that looked like and he wanted to take every chance he could to avoid eating.

“So… you’re saying they know who I am?”
“They know you’re a guest of mine, but they don’t know you’re the spider-kid, that’s up to you.”
“It’s Spider-Man”

It was barely a whisper, but Tony heard him and chuckled. Even if Tony took it as a joke, Peter took his responsibility seriously, and it hurt that Tony didn’t see it like that.

“Well, Spider-Man, they are here every day, we’ll get you acquainted soon enough.”
“Who else lives here?”

He kinda feared the answer, it was the Avengers they were talking about, he was terrified that he’d freeze up and start talking nonsense to the mightiest heroes of earth.

“There’s Cap, Barnes, Natasha, Clint, Wilson, and Wanda who reside in the right wing, in front of our building. Bruce and Vision also live here but have rooms in the left wing. Pepper drops by now and then, she’s constantly travelling but when she’s in New York, she sleeps here. Every now and the Rhodey drops by, recently it’s been constant. T’Challa and Shuri come once a month or so, usually to discuss new tech and deals. Thor drops by whenever he wants, there’s absolutely no telling. And Strange just opens up a portal whenever he feels like it or needs something, it’s annoying how unannounced his visits are. But that’s about it.”

So many people. Inside, Peter was panicking because he knew he’d have to meet all of them eventually and he was terrified about it.

“Oh wow, that’s a lot, I guess.”
“Meh, it gets interesting now and then, dare I say even fun.”

Once again, silence filled the room and he noticed Tony looking at his plate, so he ate two pieces of chicken and a dumpling.

“It’s really good Mr. Stark, thank you.”
“Onto the next matter. Here are two cards. The black one is the credit card and the red one is a debit card; thought you’d appreciate the colors. These are yours for whenever you need or want anything. I’ll set you up with a weekly allowance and I’ll have it transferred to the debit card.”

Peter was rendered speechless. He didn’t really think about this, about the money. When he lived with his aunt, he didn’t have an allowance. He ate at home whenever he had to and had lunch at school with the state program. Whenever he needed something, he’d ask May directly for the exact money or for her to buy it for him. Now with Tony, he never really thought about what would happen. He assumed it would be the same as it was with May, but apparently, he was wrong.

“Mr. Stark I can’t take this, it’s so generous of you but I don’t need it, I’m fine as it is.”
“Nonsense kid, it’s not up for discussion, it’ll be easier like that.”

Knowing Tony wouldn’t back down, Peter silently took the cards and looked down to the floor.

“Okay so, let’s talk about your activities. Now that you’re in your summer vacation you can hang out wherever you want. We usually are in the common building doing whatever, sometimes we are all outside when the day is nice. You’re welcome to join us whenever you want. You’ll like the team, and I’m sure everyone will enjoy your company. We’ll discuss school later, there’s no need now.”

Peter remained silent, taking small amounts of rice into his mouth. He didn’t have anything to say, but his mind was running a thousand miles per hour. Tony was already finished with his lunch and was taking his now empty plate to the sink.

“Do you have any questions?”
“Yes, what about patrol? I can’t abandon it.”
“Oh yes, I almost forgot, you have a curfew now.”
“What do you mean by that?”

Now adding to his long list of fears, he was now scared that he wouldn’t be able to help Queens because he now lived so far away.

“Don’t you know how curfews work? Didn’t May have one for you? I know for a fact she did”

He looked at Peter accusingly, assuming his answer. That was something that was supposed to stay between him and the city, not bothering Tony with it.

“Well, yeah, but Queens needs me.”
“I can understand that Peter, but I’ve made up my mind. You must be back here by midnight. I’ve been working on a suit for you that will allow you to swing faster.”
“But Mr. Stark, I can’t just –”
“Yes, you can and yes you will just that. May I remind you that your suit has a built-in tracking system? I’m doing this for your safety, Pete. Don’t test me, there will be repercussions.”

Instead of replying, Peter just felt his blood boil and rolled his eyes. He knew what it meant and he knew it was rational, but it exasperated him.

“Is there anything else?”
“Yes, actually. I’ll show you around the labs and some spidey things tomorrow, I gotta go deal with some boring paperwork now. Aren’t you going to eat more?”

Tony looked at Peter’s plate and realized he ate a little less than half of what he was served. It was weird to him because he knew that with his metabolism, he needed a lot more food.

“No, I’m full now, thank you Mr. Stark, for everything.”

He gave Tony the brightest smile he could muster and waited for the man to continue. There was no need for Tony to know that his stomach was anything but full.

“Well, if that’s it… FRIDAY, do me a favor and call Wilson in here.”
“Right away, sir.”
“Wait, Sam Wilson? Didn’t I get to choose?”
Peter had only seen him once in his life, when he was fighting him and Bucky at the airport in Germany. He wasn’t very keen on sseeing him again.

“What if he recognizes my voice?”
“I’m sure he won’t, Peter, that was a long time ago.”

As if on cue, Sam walked through the doors of the building. Peter hadn’t forgotten him at all, but it was really odd seeing him so up close.

“What’s up, Stark?”
“Hey Sam, hope you weren’t busy, I have a task for you.”

Tony knew that Steve and his team were trying to make amends with him, so they were almost always compliant with Tony and tried to avoid any conflict with him, staying away from his personal matters.

“This is Peter, he’s going to be staying with us for a while and I thought you’d be the greatest tour guide to show him around the compound. He has restriction access level 5.”
“Oh, hey kid, how’s it going?”

It was almost funny how Sam didn’t seem to notice Peter’s presence until Tony introduced him. He seemed a little taken aback by the restriction access thing that Tony said, Peter didn’t really get why.

“Hi”

Peter’s tone was low, he didn’t entirely trust him, but knowing that Tony accepted them gave him a bit of reassurance. He could sense that Sam was a nice guy, he had this aura to him that screamed I want to help almost like a banner in his forehead.

“Well Pete, I’ll see you later. Are we on for dinner tonight with the team?”

Tony first directed his words to Peter and then to Sam. Evidently, they had plans and Peter felt slightly out of place. They had arranged that before he arrived. Surely, they wouldn’t want a kid to mess with their evening. Pulling him out of his thoughts was Sam’s voice.

“Yeah, I think Steve and Barnes are cooking tonight.”

And without another word, Tony turned around headed to the elevator, leaving Peter alone with Sam.

 

“So kid, tell me about you.”

Sam began walking towards the door of the building, apparently going the same way in which he arrived with Tony earlier.

“There’s really not much to tell. I’m 15, I’m from Queens, and I’m here because my aunt had to go to Europe for some postgraduate degree.”
“What about your parents? No other relatives?”
“Nope, they’re dead.”

Peter almost laughed at the expression in Sam’s face. It was so funny, no one really knew how to reply to that.

“I’m sorry, man.”
“It’s alright, it was a while ago.”
“So why Stark? How do you know him?”

Peter suddenly felt his crippling anxiety in his lungs, like he forgot how to breathe. He couldn’t exactly tell Sam that Tony recruited him to go fight with him against them.

“Uhm… I – I met him because of an MIT program. I signed up but I didn’t know he was… uhm looking for an intern. I don’t know what he saw, but he picked me. I’m sure there were much better candidates.”

Peter wasn’t entirely lying. Ever since Tony told him he’d seen him and wanted to recruit him for the fight in Germany, Peter always thought he was the last choice, that there were others better than him but Tony didn’t have time to get them, so he was only left with Peter.

“No offense kid, but why would Stark bring an intern to live here? It’s not necessarily open to the public.”

Once again, Peter’s lungs felt like they were about to collapse. He hated lying.

“I’m not sure, you’ll have to ask him. I guess we get along well, and we’ve worked on some stuff in the lab that’s in the garage.”
“Huh.”

And so, they continued their path to the entryway he was at just a mere 4 hours earlier.

“Well Peter, here we are. Guess you already know this entry, but we’re gonna go right now, show you what the whole building looks like.”

Instead of going left to the press room, Sam guided him through the doors on the right which had long hallway. On the left side of the hallway were 4 doors. The first one was a bathroom and the second one was a mini kitchen which was mostly used for official guests. The two next ones were made from glass and had each a long meeting table with 12 seats in each room.

“We usually sit around here when someone’s running late for a mission.”

Sam gestured to a neatly arranged sitting area that had a purple U-shaped couch and a counter with a pot of coffee.

“You’d be surprised how often we’re here, it’s ridiculous.”

At that, Peter let out a small laugh, wondering which Avenger was guilty of making all of them late. In front of the couch was a glass door which, to Peter’s surprise, was access restricted.

“Wilson.”

Sam simply said his last name and looked at the corner, and the doors opened.

“Are all the doors here locked like that?”

Peter was in awe and honestly, a bit scared. What type of things did Tony have in the Compound that needed that much security?

“Most of them are. Stark set up restriction levels for the people who frequent this place. A lot of things could be dangerous, were they to fall in the hands of the wrong people.”

They continued their way into the hallway that the door opened. Midway through it was a glass door on the left, through which they went. On the left side was a room much like the ones before the purple couch. It had a bigger table and more chairs, he assumed that was the main briefing room. On the right side of the door was a big room with darkened glass.

“What’s in there?”

Peter was curious, and he knew it must’ve been important if it wasn’t visible. Sam was evidently hesitant to tell the kid, but then he remembered that Peter was given the same access that Pepper and Tony had, so he chose not to question Tony’s decision and continued.

“FRIDAY, override code 39201”

The lights were suddenly turned on and what was in display was incredible.

“We keep a lot of our suits and arms in there. It’s mostly Cap’s suit, my wings, and a bunch of guns and knives for Bucky and Natasha to use. We have some in our building, but these are the ones we get to faster when we have a mission.”
“Oh, that’s interesting, I guess.”

In front of the briefing room was a big sofa which had two counters in front of them with a popcorn and an espresso machine, which had a huge TV mounted above them. Behind the sofa was another sitting area with two love seats and a couple of chairs, all centered around a table with a chess game on top of it. On its left, and in front of the suits locker was a small dining room.

They exited the room and took a turn to the left to go back through the long hallway, walking towards the press room again. When they were in front of the doors, Sam had to repeat his name to unlock it. Of course, Tony didn’t have to do that earlier (or ever), it was his place. They started climbing the stairs which he previously thought led to the bedrooms.

They arrived to an open space which had a couple of couches, two bathrooms in the corner and a kitchen in the other corner, with a round dining table in the middle. There were, once again, two meeting rooms, very similar to the ones downstairs, but these ones seemed more casual.

“Wilson.”

Once again, they went through another locked door which led them to a long hallway. On the left side were two wide doors.

“What’s in here?”
“FRIDAY, override code 39205 and 39206”

At that, the doors opened, and Peter waited for an explanation because it was, well, rare, to say the least.

“We have a shooting range; I’ll show you in a minute. Here’s the protective gear and on the side, we have the ammo. Most of us train with guns, but Clint uses arrows more often than not.”
“So, here’s where the Avengers train?”
“No kid, here’s where a bunch of people train, but we have something more personal on the common grounds, these are for those who we don’t truly trust yet.”.

He shut the doors and continued walking through the hallway. At the end of it, they turned to the right where Peter could properly see the shooting range.

“You weren’t kidding at all, this is absolutely incredible.”
“I’m sure you’ll see more of it later. If you can’t find Natasha or Clint, they usually hang out here.”

They continued through the hallway and went up through the stairs that were at the end. They arrived at what seemed to be the gym. The first thing Peter saw were 10 treadmills perfectly lined up next to each other, facing the window that had the view to the living quarters and the lake. On the left side of the room were also 10 weightlifting machines and by them, were 5 punching bags. In the middle of the room was a big fighting mat, it was kind of intimidating. Once again, there was some mysterious door to a big room, which occupied half of the floor.

“FRIDAY, override code 39208”

It was an empty room with grey walls and grey floor. There were hologram projectors on every corner and along the walls. If he hadn’t known any better, Peter would have guessed that it was a room like those in the asylums in the movies.

“This is amazing, Stark really outdid himself with it. This is an interactive space for personalized training. Every once in a while, we sit down with him to discuss possible scenarios and he designs these projections to allow us to train according to our skills and weapons. He’s a genius.”

Peter wasn’t at all surprised. In awe, yes, but he knew how smart Tony was, so this wasn’t something he’d put past him.

“What are your scenarios? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“It’s all mostly surprise attacks and how I can better use the wings for both offense and defense. The last one I told Stark designed was based on something that happened in Germany. There was this dude wearing a spider costume, I didn’t know what to expect and couldn’t fight him. I assume you’re familiar?”

Peter felt all color drain from his face, and he had to support his weight to a wall because otherwise he’d pass out. How did Sam know?

“W-What do you mean I’m familiar? I don’t know anything, why would I know anything?
“Well, I’m sure we were declared war criminals, so I just guessed they were teaching about it, no need to get all weird.”

After that, they went back to the park that served as a converging point for the three buildings.

“You have already seen the left wing, surely Stark will show you whatever he has in the two top floors, Lord knows he will never let any of us in there.”

“So, the right wing is where I stay.”

They entered the building at it was very similar to the one on the left. It had the same shape and layout. When entering you saw the same elevator at the entrance and the archway on its left. What was past that was what was different. The first thing on sight was a darts board and past it a big, blue, L-shaped couch. In front of it was a big TV with a similar sized sound system.

Behind the couch and on the right corner was the kitchen. It was very similar to Tony’s, but instead of a long dining table, it had a round one with 8 seats. In the middle of the room was a bar, which had a wall of liquor behind it. Peter recognized some bottles here and there from some show he had seen of rare antiquities. On the left side of the bar were some desks with computers and several StarkPads on them.

“Pretty neat, isn’t it?”
“it’s amazing, you must have a lot of fun.”
“We aren’t here a lot, we mostly hang out in the common building, I’ll show it to you in a moment.”

Sam then proceeded to guide Peter up the stairs, where they found a fireplace and a U-shaped couch. There was a hallway and four doors along it.

“These are our rooms. Clint to the right, Wanda next to him. I sleep in the room in front of her and here to your left is Steve’s room.”

Luck was never in Peter’s side and theCaptain America exited the room, leaving Peter speechless.

“Hey Sam, who’s this one here?”
“This is Peter, he’s Tony’s intern and he’s gonna stay at the Compound for a while, I’m showing him around.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Peter.”
“Mr. Ame – Mr. Captain America, it’s so nice to meet you.”

He was stumbling through his words and Peter almost forgot that was the man that threw part of an airport on him.

“I’m going for a run on the tracks, see you later. Bucky’s waiting for me.”

And with that, he left, leaving Peter mortified and Sam laughing at his reaction.

“That went well.”
“Very funny”

Peter rolled his eyes. It was surprising to him how easily the words fell out of his mouth. He had only spoken to the man for a couple of hours and somehow, he thought it was ok to taunt him. He immediately turned red.

Sam chuckled a bit more and took Peter up another set of stairs. They arrived to some type of living room with two doors on the walls at the other end of the room.

“Natasha’s and Bucky’s rooms are here, they like having their own space so they were assigned the top floor.”
“Makes sense.”

 

He then noticed another set of stairs on the left corner of the room.

“Those lead to the balcony. It’s nothing special, just a bunch of trees and a couple of chairs.”
“Oh, okay.”

They went down to the main lobby and exited the building, making their way to the building in the center.

“This is where we hang out most of the time. But don’t worry, no one’s here at the moment, better avoid another one of your star-struck moments.”

Sam laughed once again and it was starting to annoy Peter, so he just stayed silent.
When first entering, there were two long couches facing each other, and a door that mirrored the one in the entry. On the left were some stairs and on the right was a bathroom and an elevator. They went first through the door, and Peter expected to see something similar to what the other buildings’ living spaces had.

He was wrong.
“This is the main kitchen, we have almost every meal here, unless something comes up.”

The first visible thing was the massive dining room. It was dark wood with black accents, and it seated 24 people. Beyond the dining table was the kitchen island, which had two sinks. On the far-most wall of the room was a long arrangement of cabinets and counters, all a dark cream color. In front of the two sinks were two ovens. On the left side of the kitchen were two huge fridges and in front of them, at the other end of the kitchen, were a popcorn and an ice cream machine. On the left side of the fridge was a door that led to a room similar in size to his old apartment. It was the pantry and was full of everything anyone would ever dream of.

“Do you really need this much food?”

Peter tried to hide how he was feeling among the amount of food in front of him. It started to become evident that he wouldn’t be skipping a lot of meals here.

“Of course we do, there are two severely enhanced soldiers and people who exercise like there’s no tomorrow, we need our energy. You’ll see, it’s absolutely ridiculous the amount of food that’s passed around this table.”

Great, that was just what he needed. Not.

“So what’s upstairs?”

Peter tried to get himself out of there before he started panicking.
“Let’s go”

They went up the stairs that were on the right and were met with a long wall of bookcases. Peter was, once again, speechless. He wasn’t ashamed to say that he was a nerd, and he couldn’t believe how many books were in front of him. On the right side of the stairs was a bar and on its side was a bathroom. In front of the bar was a pool table, which had the elevator on its left side.

In front of that pool table was the biggest couch Peter had ever seen in his life. It was a black, L-shaped sofa, and it had a matching loveseat and chair on its left side. In front of it was, once more, the biggest TV Peter had ever seen. He didn’t even know they made it like that. Behind the sofa, on the right side was a line of counters with several snacks on top of them. There were chips, chocolate, gummies, dried fruit, popcorn, and an ice cream freezer. This was every child’s dream.

“Every week we get together and watch a movie. Cap says it’s good for team building. I’m here for the snacks.”

He winked at Peter, and he couldn’t help but let out a small nervous laugh. Up the next set of stairs was a floor much too similar to that of the main bedroom floor in the right wing, where Steve, Sam, Wanda, and Clint slept.

“This are the guest bedrooms. Every once in a while, we receive unexpected visits of trusted people, so they stay here. Or when one of us gets too hammered, we just crash up here.”

They continued their way up and reached the gym. In the landing area were just a couple of couches and two regular sized fridges full of water. On the right side was a massive bathroom and yet another set of stairs. In front of the couches was the door that led them into the actual gym. It was pretty similar to the gym they previously saw, but this one had more specific equipment. It had dumbbells that went up to 200lbs, similar versions of Steve’s shield and wooden knives.

“This is what I was talking to you about, this is more… private. We feel more comfortable. There’s the regular fighting mat and your treadmills and weightlifting machines and so forth, it’s really nothing special.”
“What happens when there’s someone with a weapon you can’t recreate?”
“What do you have in mind?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Stark’s blasts or Thor’s thunder.”
“I guess we’ll have to discuss that with them.”

Sam stopped for a second and then continued

“Which brings us to the next floor, it’s really cool and nerdy.”
They went up and Peter saw the first thing he could actually identify. It was a lab, and it was filled with stuff for everyone. He could see on the table plans for Steve’s shield and for Bucky’s arm. There was an armor that resembled Tony’s but he easily knew it was for Rhodey for how they held to the ground, he assumed Tony was trying to make it more stable since the accident in Germany.

“I don’t have access to this area, kid, you’ll have to ask Stark to show you around.”
“Oh.”

It did come to a surprise to Peter, why would Tony keep this protected. Evidently, they could see what was going on but weren’t allowed to hold it.

“Let’s head on up one more floor.”

Sam led them through the stairs that were in front of the lab and it landed on a pristine white and blue room.

“This is the medbay. There are three recovery rooms and one lab. That’s where that weird ass machine is, that regenerates cells or something. I think Clint had to use it once. Helen Cho comes by every once in a while to help us out, she has an office here and everything.”
“What happens when there’s a serious injury?”
“When it can’t be handled here, we fly them to the nearest hospital.”

Sam’s expression turns somber and it wasn’t really hard to know why. But then he quickly changes it and returns to his normal self.

“That’s it kid, let’s take the elevator down and I’ll show you the tracks and then I’ll take you back to your room, it’s already 5pm and you gotta get cleaned up for dinner, you smell.”

They were now back and the entrance of the building and were walking towards the tracks that were on the left. His room had a clear view to them. He could see Steve, Bucky and Clint, and he panicked, he did not want to meet them now, he just wanted to take a break.

“You know, Mr. Wilson, I think I’m going to head up to my room now, I’m tired.”
“You sure, kid?”
“Yeah, I’ve been there before, I used to work with Mr. Stark in the garage. I know that the tracks are the ones in front of it. It really is fine.”
“Ok, Peter, let me know if you need anything.”
“Thank you, Mr. Wilson, see you later!”
“See you later, kid. Oh, and, Peter? Don’t call me Mr. Wilson, it’s just Sam.”
“Ok, Mr. Wi–, sorry, Sam.”

They parted ways, Sam jogging to meet up with his teammates and Peter turning around to go to his room. He was exhausted and terrified, he just wanted to lie down and sleep for the next two years.

Notes:

Hey guys!! This was supposed to go up on Tuesday, but I got too excited with describing the Compound. I thought of it like the one seen in Endgame. Here's a link, https://marvelcinematicuniverse.fandom.com/wiki/New_Avengers_Facility.

Chapter 3: your sweet, suburban tomb

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It was now 7pm and Peter could hear from his room all the way into the common building how people were starting to gather up. It was times like these when he really wished he didn’t have enhanced hearing. He heard Natasha talking to Clint about how they wanted to try a simulation where they could combine both of their abilities, and he also heard Tony enter the room, immediately complaining about the mess and how he was housing wild animals.

But he also noticed who he assumed was Bucky talking to Steve about dinner. They were talking about these ‘mind-blowing hotdogs’ that they had back in the day in Coney Island and that they wanted to recreate. After that, Peter blocked the noise coming from the common kitchen, too focused on the numbers. Two big numbers, 100 and 125 , were dancing around his brain, mocking him.

He knew most of them by heart, and it haunted him and made him lose his mind every single time. Regardless of the mess that was going on, Peter knew he couldn’t just hide in his room, he knew they would call him anytime now. And apparently, Tony was synced with his thoughts.

“Mr. Parker, Mr. Stark is calling for you to meet him in the main kitchen.”
“Thank you, FRIDAY, I’ll be right down.”

He got up from his bed and put on a red, oversized hoodie that once was Ben’s. He loved how he could almost feel like he was being hugged by his uncle, like nothing had changed. He made his way to the entrance of the main building, and he crashed into Sam, who was walking down the stairs.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Wilson, I didn’t see you there, please forgive me.”
“Hey Peter, it’s fine. What did I tell you about calling me that? It’s Sam.”
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine, dude. Perfect timing, dinner’s almost ready.”

Sam wrapped his left arm around Peter’s narrow shoulders and led them to the kitchen. Peter felt so small next to Sam in so many ways that overwhelmed him. It was hard to think about how it would be for the next two years.

“I bet all of you missed me dearly.”

Their entrance didn't go unnoticed, making all of them turn around to face them; even having Wanda, who was sitting on a barstool in front of the kitchen island, scoff. She didn’t even turn around, too focused on her phone.

Steve and Bucky were all over the kitchen, lightly arguing about how the recipe was correctly made, as if making a hotdog had its own science. Natasha was in the pantry, looking for some potatoes to make french fries to accompany the hotdogs, and Clint was holding a black basket, waiting for her to put the potatoes in it to get them to the kitchen easily; there were many mouths to feed and a lot of potatoes were needed.

“Glad to see you’ve gotten to know each other. How was he?”
“Oh, he was great, he’s a nice kid, how did he decid-”
“Wasn’t talking to you Wilson, you’re the one I was worried about.”
“It was amazing Mr. Stark, this place is unbelievable.”
“I’m glad you like it, kid, I have tomorrow cleared, I can show you some stuff here and there that these children can’t handle.”
“It’s because you won’t let us.”

He heard Sam say that while he was walking to the kitchen island to make Bucky, Steve, and Wanda company; a joking tone but seriousness underlying the message. At that Tony laughed and walked towards the head seat of the dining table, gesturing Peter to sit by his side.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us to the kid, Stark?”

Natasha was the first to notice Peter, immediately recognizing the unknown presence in the room. When she said that, all heads turned to Peter and Tony, and Peter just leaned deeper into his chair, trying to make himself invisible; this was definitely embarrassing, and it made him want to disappear.

“You’re very impatient. Bruce and Rhodey are almost here.”

At that, everyone continued their way, and Tony texted said men to make their way to the kitchen. A few moments passed when he heard Bruce and Rhodey come into the room. They were casually chatting and had a seat, Rhodey on Tony’s left and Bruce sat next to Peter.

“Hi Peter, it’s nice to meet you, Tony has told us a lot about you.”
“How’s it going? Are you adjusting well?”

It wasn’t necessarily a surprise to Peter that Tony had told them about him. He wasn’t a fan of the idea, but he knew it was bound to happen. After all, they were in Tony’s trusted circle.

“Hi Mr. Rhodey, Dr. Banner, it’s an honor to meet you, I’m a huge fan of your work.”

Peter smiled at them and fiddled with his fingers under the table, he was very nervous. They both smiled back at him, and Peter felt some sort of reassurance and the easiness that came with talking to them, like he could trust them.

All of the sudden, he started feeling extremely anxious. Peter remember that he was Spider-Man, and he didn’t know if Bruce and Rhodey knew about him. What if they did? Did they think him a freak? Who had they told? How much did they know about him? Apparently, his panic was evident, and Tony looked into his eyes, shook his head and gave him a reassuring smile. Peter could almost hear Tony telling him that they didn’t know . He was so grateful that he got along with Tony that well. Steve’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts and anxiousness, replacing it with something much different.

“Dinner’s ready, everyone gather around.”

The man then proceeded to carry two huge trays with what seemed to be more than 40 hotdogs. They only had the sausage and the bun, but then Bucky followed with the additions. He had brought in other two trays, an arrange of 5 bowls in each. There was meat sauce, white onion, cheese, ketchup and mustard. Following Bucky was Natasha with two big bowls filled with french fries. Each of them set one of each in one side of the table. And then they sat down.

At the left head of the table was Tony. On his right was Peter and sat next to him was Bruce. On Tony’s left was Rhodey, and Sam took a seat next to him, giving him a side hug as a greeting. On Bruce’s right was Natasha, and beside her was Clint. Sat in front of Clint, and on Sam’s left was Steve, who stayed stood up to serve everyone’s plate. By his side was Bucky and Wanda at his front. Steve served in each of the 10 plates one hotdog and passed them around.

“The magic of these hotdogs is the meat sauce. I know not everyone loves their hotdogs overfilled with it, so help yourselves to whatever amount you want.”
“These were fantastic when we were growing up, hope you’ll like them.”

Those were the first words that Peter had ever heard Bucky speak, aside from those in Leipzig’s airport, and it made him feel slightly uneasy, but surprisingly not in the wrong way. It seemed like he thought every single word that got out of his mouth, like he was scared he would mess something up.

Without anything else, everyone started serving the toppings on the hotdog, while Peter just sat very stiffly in his chair. He didn’t want to seem rude and just not eat at all, but he couldn’t possibly serve himself as much as everyone else was, it would destroy him. He watched as Sam bit into the hotdog which was previously added a whole lot of meat sauce and onion, while he served himself a second hotdog. He saw Rhodey hum in agreement and congratulate the chefs for how good it was. Steve looked at Peter directly, trying to figure him out. Then he turned his eyes to Tony, who got the message and tucked at Peter’s elbow so he would start eating.

Peter just added the tiniest spoonful of onion and a bit of mustard and took a small bite. Satisfied with it, they all continued with their meal, chatting about everything and anything. Half an hour went by and everyone was done with their dinner. They all had eaten two hotdogs, but Sam ate three and Bucky and Steve managed to get four and a half each, saying they needed the strength . Peter had only gone through half of his own, struggling to ignore the thoughts on his head that were begging him to stop eating.

“So, Stark, who is this?”

Natasha spoke, and Peter was grateful for the distraction. For one, he could get his mind off the amount of food he’d eaten today, and he was also grateful for the new introduced topic, no one would realize he was the only one who hadn’t yet finished.

“This is Peter Parker, he’s a guest of mine and will be staying with us for a while. For all parties unaware, he has restriction access level 5. Any further questions? Speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Peter was so glad that Tony took charge of the conversation, he was never good at introducing himself to anyone, and he was sure that, if he tried, his words would slur, and he’d be taken for an idiot.

“Good to see you again, Peter.”
“Oh, you met Cap?”
“Yeah, Peter and I stumbled into Cap when I was showing him our quarters, behaved like a real champ.”

Without saying anything, Tony gave Peter a knowing smile and raised his eyebrow. Of course it was hilarious to Tony how Peter lost his shit when meeting the man that handed him his ass back in Germany.

“Why is he staying here? Just curious.”

Clint was the one voicing his concern. It was slightly obvious. Why would Tony bring a kid to a heavily armed place, full of delicate information and where delicate matters were constantly being handled.

“None of your business. If you must know, he’s an intern of mine and I need him for some projects.”

Everyone fell silent for a moment, and Peter really appreciated it. He was thankful for Tony and how we was giving him the choice to tell his own story and to blend into the team at his own pace. He was also thankful that he had a second to prepare his answers, he didn’t want to seem like a complete moron in front of the Avengers.

“How old are you?”

Wanda spoke next. She saw it evident that he was on the younger side, he was obviously not an adult but also not a child.

“I’m 15, and I’m a freshman at Midtown School of Science and Technology.”
“Oh, so you’re the smart type, no wonder Stark likes you, you’re both into the geeky science things.”
“I think it’s amazing, Peter, don't let Clint mess with you. Do you know what field you want to get into?”

Bruce was, at that moment, like a gift sent from heaven. Peter really didn’t like when people pointed out his science preferences. He was always deemed nerdy, and he didn’t mind, but when someone called him smart, he always thought they were lying and mocking him.

“I’m thinking about biochemistry, maybe biochemical engineering, I’m not sure yet.”

It was kind of funny the look that everyone had. Most of them were evidently surprised, Natasha and Bruce were unfazed, almost expecting that answer, and Tony had this smile on his face and proud eyes.

“He’s like your lovechild.”
“Any other comment? No? Then pick up your plates, this place is a mess.”

Tony spoke and everyone seemed to follow his orders. Only he, Rhodey and Peter remained at the table, both of the men waiting for Peter to finish eating.

“Don’t you want some fries? They’re delicious.”
“No Mr. Rhodey, thank you, I’m full.”
“You sure, kid? You haven’t eaten much today.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I think something I ate yesterday didn’t sit right.”
“Well, you know where everything is, help yourself when you want anything.”

____________________

“Are we on for movie night? Who’s in?”

Everyone started agreeing with Steve and making their way upstairs. Natasha said she wanted to run for a while, saying she had some things to figure out. Bruce excused himself, he had to take care of some things at his lab. Peter didn’t know where that was, but he guessed it was in the floor above from their rooms.

“What about you Peter? Are you joining us? It’s my turn to pick the movie and I think we’re gonna watch Pirates of the Caribbean tonight.”
“Are you sure it’s okay? I wouldn’t want to interfere with everyone’s plans.”
“You kidding? It’s gonna be fun, let’s go kid.”

Tony and Rhodey took directly to the pool table, the latter one saying they had something to settle. Peter chose to sit in the lonesome chair, he didn’t want to bother anyone by invading their space. In the sofa, from left to right, were Sam, Steve, Bucky, and Clint. Wanda chose to lay on the loveseat all by herself. The movie began playing and the only thing that was heard were the sounds of Tony and Rhodey playing pool and Bucky chewing on some popcorn.

Peter really wished he knew how Jack Sparrow could always handle his affairs so flawlessly, even if it was unintended. He seemed to have it all figured out and seemed to just live instead of merely surviving. Peter laughed at the fact that he was envying a movie character, it was ridiculous. At that, Sam looked at him weirdly and Tony smiled in his direction.

The movie was coming to an end and some of the members of the team were suggesting they watch the second one, but it was already 10:30pm, and in all honesty, Peter just wanted to hide for a while. His social battery was dangerously low, and he feared he could snap at someone out of exhaustion.

“Cmon guys, let’s watch the next one.”
“I’ll stay with Barton.”

Bucky stood up and walked towards the bar to grab himself a glass of whiskey. Steve shook his head and walked behind Bucky.

“Let’s pay homage to our hometown.”

Steve smiled and started preparing two Brooklyn cocktails. Peter could smell all the way from the couch the Angostura bitters and the rye whiskey, it was kind of gross. He didn’t understand how grown-ups liked alcohol.

“Oh, would you look at that. Cap, did you finally decide to join adulthood?”

Tony’s mockery was delightful to hear, Peter knew he only did that when he felt comfortable with those around him, so it was amazing to hear him act like his regular self around everyone again.

“Knock it off, I’m a proper adult.”
“Yeah-huh. I’m off, clean up after yourselves. Have a good night.”

Tony stood up and started walking towards the door, leaving Peter mortified at the thought of staying alone with the men he fought against in Leipzig.

“Are you staying for the next movie, Peter? I need to talk to you about something, it will only take up a minute of your time.”

Peter immediately shot up from the seat and practically ran towards the man, he didn’t want to be left alone with those four men. Wanda had gone to sleep already and Rhodey left before the movie finished, saying he had to fly to Washington for an emergency meeting. If Tony was leaving, that meant that there would only be Clint, Steve, Bucky and Sam left, and he did not want to be alone with them.

“No, no Mr. Stark. I’m tired and I want to go to sleep. Goodnight, everyone.”

________________________________________

“So, tough day?”

Peter dryly laughed, that was saying something. He couldn’t find the words to truly describe how hard it was.

“Not the easiest day of my life. But I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me, it’s very nice of you. You shouldn’t have to be bothered by kids like me.”
“Hey Pete, I do things because I want to, you’re not the worst company and God knows you’re much smarter than most of those morons in the building next door. What did you think of them anyway?”
“Well, they are much nicer when they aren’t fighting you, that’s for sure. But they’re nice, I guess. Sam is overbearing but I know he’s got good intentions. I really wish I could’ve talked more to Bruce, I find his research mesmerizing.”
“Aren’t you the nerd?”
“Not even the littlest bit ashamed of it.”
“That’s great, neither am I.”

A short comfortable silence fell into the room. Peter was just trying to process what happened during the day. He hadn’t had the time to figure out how he was going to be better with all these people surrounding him, he really needed to make a gameplan.

“So, kid, how about tomorrow after breakfast I show you around the labs?”
“That sounds amazing, Mr. Stark, can’t wait!”
“Meet me downstairs tomorrow at 8am for breakfast, then we’ll go to my shop and from there to everywhere else.”
“Okay, Mr. Stark, thank you again, for everything.”
“My pleasure, kid.”
“Goodnight, Mr. Stark.”
“Hey Pete, I’m really glad you’re here.”

Finally alone again, he felt his entire body weight and then some, so he plopped down on his bed. He needed to organize his life and his thoughts if he was going to keep his act up during his stay. With that in mind, he took out an iron man notebook that was in one of the cabinets of the desk, sat on the chair and started writing.

An hour went by and he had written down everything he needed, from food rules, to excuses. He also spent a big portion of this time looking up how many calories were in some foods he’d seen in the pantry, and how many calories were burned in a certain amount of time doing a specific type of exercise. To his surprise, Peter found a scale in the closet and he sure was going to make use of it. So he weighed himself and winced at the number. It would never be low enough. He wrote it down and set a goal for next week, determined to lose weight and get fitter, no matter what.

Peter also wrote the things he had to keep in mind and to look out for. He needed to be aware of the time in which everyone was gathered in the common rooms. It was important to watch out for who frequented the gym at certain times so he wouldn’t screw up. He had to specially be careful when Tony was around. He knew Peter better than anyone around the Compound, and he’d surely already picked up on some of his behaviors, so, extra precautions were needed.

At midnight he closed the notebook and tucked it inside of one of his shirts, hoping that nobody would find it. He then took a shower and went to bed. This was now his challenge. It was him against them, him against those who would try to make him fatter. Him against failure, him against worthlessness.

Notes:

Hey guys, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. I wanted to post something today so it's a short one. I also wanted to kinda close Peter's first day at the compound, and then in the next chapter pick up from there, trying to make it more spaced.

I didn't want to go too much into detail of his behaviors because I'm unsure about it. I don't want to write a handbook on eating disorders and depression but I also think some details could be a good addition to the story. Let me know what you guys think, please.

Chapter 4: and if you need a friend

Summary:

Please let me know if you have any ideas or suggestions!
TW/ eating disorder behavior

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Peter decided that the best way to keep unsuspiciously active was to go for a run before everyone woke up. So, he woke up at 4 in the morning with the sound of the alarm that he had set up in his old phone. He could’ve asked FRIDAY, but he didn’t want Tony to know about it; it’d be better to keep this a secret.

With that in mind, Peter quickly changed into his old pair of sweatpants and a purple sweater. He put on his sneakers and walked out his bedroom door, trying to make as little noise as possible, Bruce was sleeping and he wasnt about to wake him up just because he wasn’t careful. When he was already out in the tracks he put on his earphones, blasted ‘Oliver’s Army’ by Elvis Costello and began running around the tracks.

It was now 6:30 a.m. and he was dripping in sweat, struggling to catch his breath, too exhausted to understand what was happening around him. He sat down in a bench under the tree that conveyed all three buildings of the living quarters and looked up to the sky. It was summer, so the sun was already out, but there were these beautifully shaped pearl white clouds, it ought to be a good day. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sam in workout clothes, making his way out of his building. He didn’t jog every day at dawn, right?

“Hey, Peter. What are you doing up? What’cha up to?”
“You a runner?”
“I’m just trying to be healthy, it’s all.”
“Well, you seem to be in perfect shape. Feel free to join me if you ever want company.”

And with that, Sam was on his way and Peter reentered the left building and went into the kitchen. He knew exactly what to do; he used to do the same thing when his aunt got home from a night shift and went straight to bed, before Peter woke up. It was a flawless way to skip breakfast, and so he did. He took out one medium sized plate and a tall glass. Then, a bag of bread and the orange juice from the fridge followed, and he placed them on the kitchen island.

He took out one slice of bread and, with a fork, spread its crumbs all over the plate. He also took a knife and covered it with butter, as if it had been used to spread the yellowy substance on top of the uneaten toast. Afterwards, Peter proceeded to drink two glasses of water and then he put a couple of orange juice drops in the glass, to make it seem like he had drunk a glassful of it. He even took out the toaster and laid it on top of the counters, to make it seem like he had forgotten to put it away.

It was almost like a form of art, and the kitchen was his canvas, he could do with it as he pleased. After he was done setting up the scene, he purposefully put all the dishes in the sink, planning his lies for when he met Tony in an hour. Peter then went upstairs and got in the shower, putting special care into avoiding touching his abdomen, he hated it more than anything else.

After getting out of the shower, Peter put on a simple pair of blue jeans, a button up shirt and a sweater. He knew it was summer, but he was always so very cold, and today was no exception. When he was done getting ready, he sat down at his desk and began writing down the water he drank and the time he ran. Keep himself in check was necessary, and he always had wary of everything he did, wanting more than anything to avoid getting caught in his lies.

“It’s 8 a.m., Mr. Parker. Mr. Stark is waiting for you in the kitchen.”
“Thank you, FRIDAY, I’ll be right down.”
____________________

The first thing that Peter noticed, even before going all the way down the stairs, was the strong smell of bacon. He could almost taste through his nostrils the grease that came with it. He used to love bacon and how it made him remember better times with his family, but now it just made him unbelievably nauseous. Peter composed himself and put on the best smile he could and walked through the archway that led into the main living space of the left building.

“Good morning, Pete, how did you sleep?”
“Good morning, Mr. Stark! Is everything okay over there? I smell burning.”
“Oh crap.”

Tony immediately turned off the stove and he managed to salvage one piece of toast and two strips of bacon, which he proceeded to serve in the plate where the eggs already were. It was godsent that Tony didn’t seem to cook anything for him; Peter didn’t want to seem rude under any circumstance.

“Hope you weren’t hungry.”
“I’m not, Mr. Stark, thank you. I went out for an early run and had some toast afterwards.”

The lies flowed so graciously that Peter almost believed them himself, but it also made him feel extremely guilty to be lying to his all-time idol. It wasn’t fair to Tony, and he hated himself for it.

“So I saw, you could clean up next time. We have a dishwasher, it’s not that much effort.”
“I'm so sorry, Mr. Stark, I was kind of in a hurry and felt so stinky and just didn't think of it, I'm sorry I promise it won't happen again.”
“It’s okay, kid, just keep it in mind for next time.You sure you don’t want anything else to eat?”
“No, Mr. Stark, but thank you very much.”
“Okey dokey, so let’s go over our plan for today. First I want to show you the lab in the common building, I’m sure you’ll have lots to say about it.”
“Oh yeah, Sam mentioned it yesterday. Why don’t they have access?”
“I’m not sure if you’re being serious or not.”
“Sorry.”

Peter felt like an idiot. Of course, he knew why. It was a stupid question to ask. Still, it was odd that there were places where they weren’t at all allowed in; it almost felt childish.

“After that, I’ll show you to my lab and some stuff I’ve been working on for the Compound. We also need to set you up with FRIDAY, get her to give you access everywhere. We’ll meet up with Bruce in his lab for lunch and you can nerd yourself out.”

Peter’s eyes were shining like any other kid’s eyes would if they were told that they’d get to talk about his passions with the man that was basically the one who inspired them. He had read Bruce's work on antielectron collision, and it had changed Peter’s life and who he wanted to be.

“That sounds amazing Mr. Stark.”
“Well then, let’s go, there’s a lot to do and not a lot of time.”
____________________

They made their way out of Tony’s building and into the common one, taking the elevator to the fifth floor, where the lab was. Without even flinching, Tony made his way through the lab doors, which was a very big difference from how Sam had to announce himself to FRIDAY and use override codes. Peter followed closely behind him, too in awe to say anything.

“Here’s where I develop most of the stuff for the team. Every once in a while, one of them drops by with ideas for their gear and we discuss it. I also program here the holograms for the personalized training room, guess you’ve already seen it.”
“How did you come up with that anyway? It’s unbelievable.”
“After Siberia, I didn’t feel like spending a lot of time with, any of them; I designed it so that each of us could train for specific situations without actually having to interact with one another.”
“Makes sense.”
“After we made amends, it just served as a nice change of pace in training, and we’ve been regularly using it ever since.”
“Oh.”
“Hey kid, do you want to mess with Wilson and Barnes? We could record your voice and add it to their hologram training projections. What do you think?”
“Are you crazy? Of course not! They’ll obviously know it’s me!”
“Offer still stands, it will be hilarious, just getting it out in the open.”

A comfortable silence fell into the room. Tony was picking up some papers while Peter looked around the lab. The first thing that was seen when entering the room was a lowered platform which had a massive holotable in it. It currently had the blueprints for the War Machine armor on display. On its left were a couple of puffs, with three counters and cabinets filled with candy and snacks.

There was also a minifridge filled with all kinds of drinks, ranging from bottled water to cheap beer. On the right side of the holotable was a massive white desk with a lot of monitors, hologram pads, and papers on top of it. Tony was trying to collect and organize them, but it was a lost cause, it was a huge mess. On its left, on the far most wall, was a long, glass closet. It had vibranium, so much of it that Peter couldn’t begin to measure it; he didn’t even know how he would do that.

“Oh yeah, we’re trying to migrate our equipment towards the unbreakable status, the Wakandans have been providing us with the material.”
“Even their gear?”
“Yes, Pete. We’re trying to move on, so we must try to erase that sense of otherhood. Listen to me, god, I’m starting to sound like Capsicle.”

Behind the table where Tony was picking up papers were 4 separate desks, each with a hologram pad over them. On each of their sides were 2 robots per table and on top of the desks were several pieces of metal and different designs scattered. Peter realized that each area was designated for a specific project, and he could see that Tony was currently working on a new arm for Bucky, new arrow settings for Clint, some sort of belt and what seemed to be the prototype for Rhodey’s new support system.

“What’s with the belt?”
“Thor left it here last time he dropped by, it’s Meginjörd or something Norse like that.”
“What does it do?”
“Haven’t got a clue, that’s for Thor to know and for me to ignore.”
“Oh.”
“So, what do you think, kid?”
“It’s amazing! I can’t believe this is where you make everything!”
“Well, not everything, I’ve got some more stuff in my lab. Let’s go, I’ll show you.”

And with that, they left the common building and went into the left one, going up to the third floor, where the labs were. In the landing area were a couple of couches, and then two massive glass doors. The one in front of the stairs seemed all neat and clean, he assumed that was Bruce’s lab. They went through the door on the left.

“This is my shop; Bruce will come up and show you his lab in a while.”

It was fairly similar to the one in the common building, there were pieces of metal everywhere and papers all over the tables. Its main features were the holotables. They were smaller than those in the common building’s lab, but Tony had two of them in his lab. There were monitors everywhere, and Peter couldn’t even begin to imagine what each of them did. What caught his attention the most was the wall on the far most space of the room. It had a flawless arrangement of five Iron Man suits, with darkened glass on both of their sides.

“Pretty neat, huh?”
“it’s amazing, Mr. Stark!”
“I had a couple of those salvaged from that fiasco back in my Malibu home, and the others have been recent additions to the family. Hey FRI, do me a favor and open section 1638 for me."

Immediately, the two darkened glasses illuminated something unbelievable. In front of him were two Spider-Man suits. One of them he recognized pretty well, it’s the one he uses on a daily basis. He knew Tony had taken it for adjustments, but he didn’t quite know which ones yet. The other he had only seen once. It was the iron spider suit.

“I’ve been working on it, integrating nanotech here and there. Still a lot to be done but you get the picture.”
“I don’t have any words, Mr. Stark, this is incredible, I can’t thank you enough.”
“Well, let’s get you set up with FRIDAY, we don’t want you getting stuck or locked somewhere, now do we?”

After a couple of hours, Peter already had been given access to the entirety of the compound. He was given override codes and other important information to get around the place. It was midday and they were going to meet up with Bruce for lunch in his lab.
___________________

Bruce was sitting in front of the main desk that was at his lab, he had three takeout boxes in front of him, and when Tony and Peter entered, he was arranging the plates and the cutlery.

“Oh, hey guys, how was the tour?”
“Hey Banner, it was good, but Peter here is most excited to nerd it out with you, making me feel unloved.”
“Oh yes, I remember you want to get into biochemistry, let me show you around.”
“Knock yourselves out, I’m gonna get started on this plate, I’m starving.”

As Tony’s lab had, there was a big holotable at the beginning of the place. It was a long, rectangular shape, and at its front was the holotable. There were two staircases at its side, and on the left side was an array of counters, which had a pipette puller, and a microforge.

“You make your own pipettes?”
“Yes, Peter, sometimes we need to access the sample from a very specific approach, and the existing pipettes aren’t always what we need.”
“That’s fascinating!”

Peter had only worked with the basic pipettes that his high school provided, seeing this was mind-blowing. Going up the stairs was the desk at which Tony was eating his lunch. It didn’t have much else, other than the other plates and a couple of organized papers. There was also a holopad over the desk, but other than that, it was a pretty neat workplace. On the left side of the desk were 4 counters, 3 of which had the latest centrifuges and the other which had a UV Spectrophotometer.

“Whoa, Dr. Banner! Do you do molecular cloning here?”
“Yeah, with all the supers living in this place, we need to know what’s going on inside them, in case we ever need the information for their survival.”

At that, Peter froze and exchanged a knowing, panicked look with Tony, who simply mouthed ‘later’. It scared Peter that his spider secret would get out sooner than he planned, and talking about supers and their genetics made Peter panic.

“How has that been working out?”
“It’s been a fascinating process, especially with Steve’s and Bucky’s DNA. We’re still in the trial-and-error phase of knowing exactly how to deal with their injuries.”

On the left side of these counters were a class 2 sterile hood, a CO2 incubator and a nanoinjector, and Peter could’ve sworn he felt his breath leave his lungs.

“As I’m sure you already know, this is all for cell culture and oocyte preparation. What do you think?”
“It’s amazing, Dr. Banner! I can’t believe I’m seeing this!”
“You’re welcome to come hang out anytime, I can walk you through some processes.”
“That would be incredible, but you don’t have to, I don’t want to bother and interfere.”
“It’s really no trouble, I’d love to hear your opinions.”
“That’s so very nice of you, Bruce. Kid, just accept, you know you’re dying to say yes.”
“Sounds great, Dr. Banner, thank you so much.”

Bruce simply smiled and continued showing Peter the rest of the lab. At the center, in the far-most wall were two machines Peter had never thought he’d see in his life.

“These are pat–”
“Oh my god! Those are patch-clamping stations! I’ve read about them, they’re for measuring ionic currents across cells! This is amazing!”
“That’s right, Peter. And on its side is the micromanipulator. It’s user-controlled and it brings an electrode to contact with a cell membrane in a glass pipette to form an electrical seal.”
“I feel like I fell asleep and woke up in heaven.”

Peter spoke without really thinking about it, and he was brought back when he heard the two men’s unison laugh. They continued through the right side of the lab, where Bruce showed Peter an array of microscopes, a CO2 incubator, and refrigerators with liquid nitrogen. Bruce then stopped at a specific machine and started talking.

“This is the newest acquisition, it’s a BIAcore T200. We use it to get high quality kinetic data to quantify molecular binding interactions. This machine is so good, it allows us to detect macromolecular interactions.”
“It looks very interesting, have you tried it out yet?”
“Not yet, I’m waiting on some samples.”

And with that, they finished the tour and sat down to have lunch. The only thing left to see were the robots, similar to those in Tony’s lab, that were on the right side of the main holotable. Peter was on cloud 9, and he didn’t really notice how much was on his plate, too deep into the conversation to care.

“Do you know yet where you want to go?”
“I’m thinking about MIT, or maybe Brown, I’m not sure yet. It’s not like I’ll get into them anyway, there are so many more talented people.”
“That’s nonsense, kid. Take it from an MIT alumnus, you’ve got everything it takes and more, they’d be lucky to have you. Don’t forget I have some pull.”

After an hour or so of chatting, they were done having lunch, and Peter felt strangely warm, which is when he realized how much he had eaten. He immediately sunk into the darkest depths of his mind and just felt like crying.

“Thank you so much for today, Mr. Stark, I have had a lot of fun. Dr. Banner, your lab is so cool, thank you for allowing me to see it. I think I’m going to take a nap, I’m a bit tired.”
“That’s alright kid, see you later.”
____________________

Back in his desk, Peter was losing his mind. He forgot his goal and allowed himself to get distracted by the laboratories, and he had lost control. He started pacing around the room, scratching the back of his left hand, trying to distract his mind from the mess he’d made. He stopped in his tracks and accepted his fate, there was nothing he could do but face the fact that he had fucked up. He knew by now how to calculate most of the servings, and somehow measure up the calories. And as such, he took out his notebook and began writing.

lettuce – 8 medium leaves: 15kcal
Cherry tomato – 12 cherries: 37kcal
Cucumber – 5 slices: 7kcal
Cheddar cheese – ¼ cup: 114kcal
Baby carrots – 7 carrots: 29kcal
Baked chicken breast – ¾ of a small breast: 185kcal
Ranch dressing – 1 tbsp: 73kcal
Lemonade – 1 cup: 99kcal

TOTAL: 559kcal

Peter felt like his world was collapsing, he hadn’t had that many calories in a single meal in a very long time. Tears started streaming down his face while he gripped his hair as hardly as he could. How could he let go of himself this much? His afternoon was spent crying, thinking of the ways he could’ve avoided eating that much food. And if anybody wondered why he didn’t show up to dinner, they didn’t mention anything.
___________________

As the week began, Peter started feeling more comfortable with his surroundings. He had set his routine and was determined to stick to it. Waking up at 4 in the morning to jog for a couple of hours became his new normal. In doing so, he had been getting close to Sam, with whom he’d been jogging with since he decided to join Peter at 5:30am. Peter felt comfortable with his presence and began accepting the fact that they were welcome in the Compound and weren’t so bad.

After jogging, he’d set up the scene for the would-have-been breakfast and then he’d spend the rest of the morning in the living room of the main building. They’d start getting suspicious if he was always holed up in his room, so he made a real effort to spend time outside. Usually, only a couple of them would be there, only having everyone come into the building at lunch time. That meal was always a challenge. With so many eyes watching, he didn’t know at first how to divert the attention from his very small plate, but he started getting better at it, and he knew he’d eventually perfect it.

After lunchtime, he’d go to the gym to burn more calories. If he was going to be silently forced to eat lunch and dinner, he had to find a way to burn them. Peter spent two hours at the gym. Trying his best to not screw up, Peter specifically timed those two hours when Sam or Steve weren’t there, he wouldn’t want Sam asking questions of why he was working out so much.

It was now Tuesday after lunch and Peter was with Tony at his lab, working on new webbing for his suit. They were working on making the tensile stronger, figuring out how to balance the elements to have a higher count in gigapascals. Not much was being done, though, they spent most of the time chatting and bouncing theories off.

“What if we increased the salicylic acid? It could make me have a stronger grip on whatever I web to.”
“Not bad, kid, but it’s an acid, we gotta up the carbon tetrachloride to counterpart the flammability potential.”
“Okay, sounds good.”

They continued measuring the additives and testing out how it would work out, when Tony started talking about something Peter wasn’t really prepared to discuss.

“So, Pete, what do you think about telling the team about your alter-ego? Do you think it’s time to do it?”
“I don’t know Mr. Stark; I haven’t given it much thought.”
“You could really benefit from it though; I’d love to see you kick Barnes’ ass.”
“I’m pretty sure he’d beat me in a blink of an eye.”
“You gotta give yourself more credit, kid.”
“I don’t know, Mr. Stark, I think I want to get to know them more first, you know? It’s a big deal and I’m not sure if I trust them enough yet.”
“That’s okay, just let me know and we’ll make a plan.”

Peter could sense the disappointment in Tony’s voice, but he couldn’t budge on this, it was too big a deal. There were so many disastrous scenarios in Peter’s head, and he wasn’t about to risk it all by rushing it all

“But we are going to tell Cho. We gotta know how your body works, kid, in case anything happens, we have to be prepared.”
“Okay, I can agree to that.”
“Good.”

For an hour they continued working in silence, only AC/DC was heard in the background, and Peter truly felt content, but he was working up the courage to ask Tony what he wanted.

“What’s on your mind, Pete? Your silence is screaming.”
“Sorry, Mr. Stark, I was just thinking…”
“Great activity, you should do it more often.”
“Ha ha, I was just thinking that maybe I could retake my responsibilities as Spider-Man today? I really miss going out on patrol.”
“Sure thing, but you know you have a curfew.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark.”
“Well then, have fun, I’m gonna go ask Bruce for some materials.”
“Thank you so much, Mr. Stark!”

And without waiting for any reply, he was already out the door and running down to his room to change.
__________________

Being back in Queens was relieving to Peter. Even though he knew how privileged he was to be living at the Compound, Queens was his home, and he felt grateful that he got to take a break. He felt like he was on top of the world, and for a while he forgot about all of his troubles. It was now 11pm and Peter did not want to go back. He had stopped 4 muggings, helped a couple of tourists find their way to the subway, and accompanied a group of young women home.

Peter did not want to go back to the Compound. It would take him 45 minutes to swing back, he was careful enough to time it on his way to Queens, so that he knew at what time he had to get going back. But he wasn’t ready yet, he needed to stay longer. His gut was telling him that he should stay longer; wanting to ignore his reality.

“Peter, your curfew starts in 50 minutes, I recommend you start making your way back.”
“Thanks, Karen, I’ll keep that in mind, please don’t tell me again.”

With that reminder, Peter swung to the front of Delmar’s newly restored shop and had a not so pleasant déjà vu. This time there were only 2 robbers, but they were getting into the same bank that started the whole mess with the Vulture. He couldn’t just stand by, so he ignored the reminder that kept popping up on the screen for him to go home and swung to the bank.

Peter played to his powers and chose to remain unnoticed until he could assess their strength, he may be weak, but he wasn’t stupid. As he entered the door, he webbed the entrance, to block the obvious way out, making the robbers’ turn their heads and pointed their guns at him.

“Did you guys forget your passwords?”
“Hey! That’s not very nice! Didn’t they teach you that at criminal school?”
“Who the fuck is this kid?!”
“It’s Spider-Man for you, Mr. criminal!”
“Going already? How very impolite of you, we haven’t even gotten to know each other!”

With a single shot, he webbed both of their guns, and made a mental reminder to thank Tony for that particular setting in his suit. The bigger robber charged at him, pushing him against the wall and aiming his punch at his face.Peter had never felt so grateful for his heightened senses, otherwise he’d have a dark eye and a broken nose by now.

With that, he shoved the man off him and webbed him to the corner, noticing that the other man was trying to escape. Peter swiftly maneuvered his way through the man’s punches and managed to kick the man on the back of his knees, which made him fall face flat into the ground, where Peter was able to web the man’s hands and feet.

“I really have to go, but it was fun! Goodbye criminals!”

And with that, Peter left a sticky note that read ‘thought you might want them – Spider-Man’

“Hey Karen, can you please call the police and tell them there was an attempted robbery at the bank in 21st Street?”
“Sure thing, Peter, they’re on their way.”

He continued to swing by the streets of Queens, stopping another mugging and breaking up a fight in a dark alley, he was feeling more useful than he had in a while. But when he came back to reality, he realized it was 2:30am.

“Shit, Mr. Stark is going to kill me.”

45 minutes later, he was entering Tony’s building, already having taken the suit off, just in case someone was awake. He tried making as little noise as he could, but apparently not little enough. When he closed the door, someone turned on the lights and that someone had a very unpleasant look on his face.

“Give me the suit, Parker.”

Peter had seen Tony mad before, but this was different, this was borderline rage, and it was scary.

“But, Mr. Stark, it’s not that late, and I didn’t mean –”
“Give me the goddamn suit, Peter, or so help me god, you’ll never see it again.”

Peter was left speechless. He didn’t know how to feel, all he knew was that his hand followed his brain’s direction to hand in the suit, which Tony hastily snatched from him.

“We’ll talk in the morning.”

Without anything else but a venomous look, Tony got into the elevator and went up to his floor. Peter was numb, just going up the stairs to his room. He didn’t know how he was going to deal with this, but right now he just wanted to sleep. Without changing to his pajamas, or getting under the covers, he laid on the bed, let out a lonesome tear, and fell asleep.

Notes:

I'm still not very sure about how deeply to get into the whole eating disorder situation, let me know if you think this was too much.

I hope you'll enjoy it, and I hope everyone has a wonderful week :)

Chapter 5: I'll help you stitch up your wounds

Summary:

TW/ strong depiction of eating disorder behavior and self harm

Notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

How could he be so stupid and reckless? Peter knew that Tony wasn’t kidding when he said there would be consequences if he didn’t stick to his curfew, but he never imagined that the man would take the suit. Even if he had gone to sleep at 3:30am, Peter still woke up at 4 to go for a jog, he had royally fucked up and didn’t deserve to rest at all. Getting out of bed was a challenge, only having in his body the 559 calories he had for lunch the previous day. Added to the calories he burned at the gym and while on patrol, he was running on negative numbers, and he could feel the exhaustion in his veins.

Regardless, with the earphones on, and music loud, Peter was out in the tracks by 4:10am and tried to jog faster than usual. An hour later he saw the familiar figure tying his shoes on the bench and walking towards him. Peter wasn’t in the mood to casually talk to Sam, but he didn’t have the energy to avert the conversation.

“Good morning, kid, how are you doing?”
“Hey Sam, I’m good! How are you?”
“Great. We missed you last night for dinner, where were you anyway?”

He was patrolling in Queens, but Sam didn’t need to know that. Hesitancy was evident in Peter’s expression, but he did his best to remain calm and collected.

“Oh, I was just too deep into a book, I totally forgot about dinner. I went for a snack late at night, though.”
“Really? What did you have?”
“I didn’t really feel like spending a lot of time on it, so I just had a bag of chips and a slice of turkey ham.”
“Sounds good.”
“What did you guys do last night, anyway?”

They continued jogging for about an hour, talking about anything and everything, but Peter was having a hard time keeping up. He knew that he was severely lacking the energy needed to keep going, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t let everyone see his weaknesses.

“So, what are your plans for today? Anything special?”
“Not really, I think I’m just going to go han– ”

Peter felt his world spinning, and he had to stop moving or else he’d fall. He felt like puking everything he’d ever eaten but at the same time he felt so empty and nauseous.

“Hey kid, Peter, what’s up with you? You just went pale as a sheet. You won’t faint, will you?”
“No, I’m fine, really, let’s just keep jogging.”

He was now supporting most of his weight on Sam’s forearm, trying to regain balance and refrain from losing consciousness. It was pretty obvious that he couldn’t go any further, but Peter didn’t want to seem weak at all; he had to keep going.

“I don’t think so, let’s get you inside, you’re done.”
“I’m not done, I still need to run for a while more, I’m fine, I promise.”
“No, Peter. Stark will have my ass if something happens to you on my watch.”
“Please don’t tell him about this..”
“Let’s just get you inside and sat down, I don’t want you passing out, I’m too old to babysit.”

Peter surrendered and began walking towards the common building. He let out a small laugh at Sam’s comment, it was nice how he got along with the man and how comfortable he felt around him. Upon entrance, Sam led them to the elevator and went up to the second floor, where he guided Peter to the couch.

“Now don’t go doing anything stupid and stay put for a while.”
“Thank you, Sam, but I’m really ok, it’s nothing.”
“Okay, kid, I have to go meet up with Steve, call me if you need anything.”

Worry was one word for it, but what he really felt was conflict. He objectively knew how fucked up it was that he felt proud of being so weak to the point of almost passing out. It meant that he had been eating very little, and the darkest part of him was applauding him for it. But Peter wasn’t an idiot. He knew that his brain alone burned 500 calories every day, and he knew how enhanced his metabolism was, his body needed more energy.

There was also the concern about what would happen if more people started noticing. Sam didn’t promise him anything, he could be very well on his way to tell Tony about what had happened, Peter really hoped he wasn’t going to do that. Things were already bad enough with Tony, and he didn’t need to be bothered with Peter’s issues.
____________________

Peter wasn’t that much aware of how much time had gone by, too deep in thought to even realize the voices that were heard downstairs. Feeling better and like he had recovered some steadiness, Peter stood up and went downstairs to get a glass of water and a turkey ham slice. He didn’t want to eat it, but he was aware of the fact that not doing so would end up with him passed out in the middle of the dining room at lunch time. Grateful for what it received, and demanding more, his stomach grumbled, and it made Peter wince.

Ever since he started watching what he ate, he’d been getting cramps, but they were mostly mild. Today, though, it was different. He had to put his hand on the kitchen island so that he wouldn’t fall down, bending down in pain. It lasted for a solid minute, and thankfully nobody came into the room, he couldn’t deal with another person’s concern right now.

Regardless of how little he’d been eating, his heightened senses weren’t failing, and he could hear Tony talking to Bruce. If Peter had to guess, he’d say that they were in Tony’s lab. Nothing really tipped it off, the sound seemed more distant, and it was Bruce’s lab that was closest to the common building. Peter thanked whatever was above for that and took it as the chance to sneak back into his room.

Peter didn’t want to see Tony today. It wasn’t like Peter was necessarily mad at him, it’s just that he wasn’t prepared to have that conversation, he’d probably break down in front of Tony, and he knew he would never recover from that embarrassment. Peter put the glass he used to drink water in the dishwasher and sprinted out of the common building, making his way to the tree that was in the left side of the left building, which gave him safe access to the window on his room. It wasn’t an easy task, but Peter successfully got into the room and let out the breath he was holding.

The first thing he did was write down the calories he had ingested from the turkey ham, and log in the two hours that he jogged in the morning. He was still slightly dizzy, but, in his mind, he didn’t have the right to feel that way, so he jumped in the shower, with the hope that it would make him focus. It was now past midday, and he knew FRIDAY would tell him anytime now that everyone was gathering in the common building to have lunch.

Peter was absolutely terrified of lunch, especially today. He always sat on the place that was on Tony’s right, but he didn’t want that today. He didn’t know how he would avert that situation, but there was nothing he could do from his bedroom. As if on cue, the strangely polite AI spoke and told him just that. Dreadfully, Peter changed into an oversized sweater and black jeans, and made his way into the common building.
____________________

Everyone was already gathered in the kitchen. Clint had cooked that day, making baked chicken breasts, mashed potatoes, and salad. Everything was laid out like a buffet in the kitchen island, and everyone was serving in their own plates what they wanted, before sitting down to eat. Already sat down were Tony, Bruce, Steve, Natasha and Bucky. Clint and Wanda were making their way to the dining table, and Sam was finishing serving up his plate.

As Peter walked towards the kitchen island, he received several greetings from the team, and he could feel Tony’s eyes on him, but he didn’t dare look him in the eye. Another issue was that the seat on Tony’s right wasn’t occupied. Everyone had taken their place, but no one sat on that particular seat, everyone assuming that that was Peter’s place.

“Hey kid, you alright? Don’t go pulling another stunt like this morning.”

Sam’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts and Peter couldn’t do much but serve food on his plate. He chose the smallest chicken breast he could find and served himself a spoonful of salad. It seemed ridiculous how his portion occupied merely a third of the plate.

“Yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry about it, I was just thinking.”

They both walked towards the table and Peter froze for a second, but without giving it much thought, he sat down next to Sam, who sat down furthest from Tony. He knew that if he had chosen to seat down next to Tony, the man would talk to him about the incident, and Peter didn’t want to do that in front of the team. Everyone kept quiet for a moment when they realized that Peter didn’t sit down next to Tony. The awkwardness was evident, and the atmosphere became incredibly uncomfortable in a matter of seconds. Thankfully, Tony acted quick and cleared his throat before speaking.

“This is delicious, Barton, where did you even learn to cook like this? I didn’t take you for a cook.”

Each of those seated at the table continued with their conversations, except Peter. He ate the smallest bites, but it was the fastest he had ever eaten, he couldn’t stand being there. Not even 15 minutes later, Peter quickly stood up, took his plate to the dishwasher and ran out of the kitchen, headed to his room. He could feel everyone’s concerned look on his back, but he didn’t care, he was feeling nauseous, disgusting, and like he was completely losing his mind.
____________________

Back in his living quarters, Peter took his notebook out of its hiding place and wrote down the calories in his lunch. The number would never be low enough; it could never be enough. In frustration, he threw the notebook across the room and began roughly scratching his left hand. It didn’t hurt, but it did distract him from his feelings. After a couple of minutes into his spiral, he realized where he was and the situation he was in, he couldn’t afford to do this.

“Hey, FRIDAY, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, Peter, what can I do for you?”
“Is it possible to lock the gym door for everyone while I’m in there?”
“I can do that, but everyone who has restriction access level 5 can override that command.” “Okay, thank you, FRIDAY.”
“Do you want me to lock it?”
“No, that’s okay, thank you anyway.”
“My pleasure.”

It was pointless to lock the door if the person he wanted to avoid had access to where he wanted to be. As if something inside him had been turned off, Peter picked up the notebook and neatly placed it in his hiding place. He redid the bed and organized the drawers in the nightstands, wanting to erase any trace of the mess he’d made a few moments ago. He took out his gym clothes and a hoodie, and changed, planning to spend the next two hours in the gym.

Everyone was still in the common building chatting, and Peter clearly heard them, so he couldn’t simply walk through the doors as if nothing had happened. He could find a way in like he did previously to his room. With that, Peter walked behind the left building and saw a window on the third floor.

To his mind came the memory of the initial Compound tour, and he remember that on the third floor were the guest bedrooms. The only problem was that there wasn’t a tree from which he could access the building, so he had to be crafty about it. Before leaving Queens, Peter packed his old webshooters, just in case he needed them. Thank god he did, because this was that case.

Thanking his better judgement, Peter ran back to his room, took the webshooters, and sprinted towards the back of the left building. From there, it was easy. He climbed the nearest tree and used his home-crafted webbing to reach the window and crawl inside the room. Now inside, he made sure to avoid making any noise, just in case someone noticed him coming in. He wouldn’t want a bunch of Avengers thinking someone snuck into their private quarters. After a couple of minutes of waiting, he realized no one noticed, and so he made his way upstairs to the gym.

“FRIDAY, could you please soundproof the entrance to the gym?”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

Now knowing that he wouldn’t be heard, he took to the weightlifting machines and began working out. His muscles were definitely weaker, but he refused to accept that and challenged himself further, aiming to pull at least 155lbs. He felt slightly sneaky for doing that. Objectively, a boy his age and build couldn’t possibly lift that much, but his body was enhanced, and that was nothing compared to what his abilities allowed him to lift.

It was exhilarating and Peter felt successful, like his efforts were working and he was healthier, or so he told himself. He tended to compare himself to kids his age, but there weren’t any other known superkid to compare himself to. So being able to lift more than what he weighed was amazing. He continued on the machine for a solid hour, and then shifted to the treadmill. He would usually go to the punching bags, but his left hand was sore, and he didn’t feel like taking care of it.

To his dismay, 45 minutes into his 9-mph run, a set of feet came into the room. It couldn’t possibly be Sam or Steve, after lunch he would sit down in the right building’s dining room and do some research on the accords. Tony and Bruce were out of the question too, he heard them talking earlier about something they wanted to try out, something about applying arc reactor technology into one of Bruce’s projects. His doubts were cleared when he saw none other than Bucky walk into the room.

“Hey there, didn’t know you worked out.”
“Yeah, I just wanted to run for a while.”
“It’s impressive, the speed you’ve got going on there.”
“Oh, I just wanted to try it out, I couldn’t keep up though.”
“Huh.”
“Well, I better get going, nice to see you Mr. Barnes.”

Peter was grateful that Bucky was a man of little words, he didn’t have the answers for most of the questions that the former soldier probably had. With that, Peter jumped off the treadmill, took his stuff and a bottle of water out of the fridge, and made his way out of the room, leaving Bucky wondering why he sounded so familiar.
____________________

Peter spent the rest of the afternoon holed up in his room with an old book he had found in the bookcase that was just outside the entrance to the bedrooms in the left building. He was actually reading the first edition of Schrödinger’s book What is Life?. Peter knew what the book was about, but it was fascinating to read it in its first edition. He really didn’t intend to skip dinner, he was just way too deep into the wonders of biophysics to realize that it was now 10pm. It wasn’t a bad thing, though. Whatever time he could spend avoiding food, was, in his mind, time well spent.

A knock on his door made him close the book and turned his attention to it. He was fairly sure it was Tony, and he braced himself to have the much-dreaded conversation. Regardless, much to his surprise, it was Sam who stood in front of his room.

“Hey kid, how you doin’?”
“Hey, Sam, what are you doing here?”
“Just dropping by, checking in, you didn’t go to dinner tonight.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry, I’ve been reading this book all afternoon and I guess I just got too involved and I couldn’t put it down.”
“What does this book have that made you want to skip dinner? Walk me through it.”
“Schrödinger explains how every process in every living thing happens through physics and chemistry. He says that there’s this molecule that contains genetic information in covalent bonds. And the most amazing thing is that this book was an inspiration for the discovery of the structure of DNA, it’s pretty awesome.”
“Oh wow, you really are like Stark.”

Peter blushed and looked down. Never in his wildest dreams would he think that he had even a tiny bit of genius that Tony had in his mind.

“So, we’re on for tomorrow for jogging?”
“Sure!”
“Okay kid, then good night.”
“Oh, hey, Sam? I can make up for skipping today’s dinner by making dinner for everyone tomorrow. What do you think? Would that be okay with them?”
“Sounds good, Peter, I’ll let everyone know.”
“Great! Goodnight, Sam.”

It was now evident that Sam was starting to notice something in Peter’s habits, and he couldn’t have that happening. Peter vowed to work harder to hide his efforts and make everyone believe he’d never been happier. Today was a complete fiasco, from the beginning of the day all the way into the night. His stomach was pleading for food and his mind was screaming for comfort, but Peter was stronger, and knew that he could deny that, thinking he’d be better off like that.

Peter was an ass to Tony all day, and he felt really bad about it, but the man seemed to be accepting of it. It was like he was giving Peter his space to process everything, and Peter was grateful for it, he wasn’t quite ready to confront him. At last, he changed into his pajamas, wrote down the time he spent at the gym and fell asleep before 11pm, with the promise of a better tomorrow.

____________________

Once again, his routine began. Waking up at 4 in the morning was becoming less difficult every time, and he looked forward to chatting with Sam. It had become a nice frequent in his life. The hour and a half that he had to himself while jogging served to clear his mind. He took the time to plan what he would say to Tony once the time for the conversation came. He had to apologize; after all, he did break the main rule that Tony had set for him. Peter also knew that he had to win Tony’s trust back, so he planned on proposing the man a new deal, at least for the week after he was given back the suit.

The best plan that came to mind was promising that he would be back before 11pm if he could go out earlier. It was really a great thing for Peter, he could try to sneak out just before lunch and come back after dinner, successfully skipping those meals. And if he could continue skipping breakfast the way he had so far, he would finally be fit and thin enough to be worth it.

Without realizing, Sam joined him in the tracks, but this time, he wasn’t alone. Steve was by his side, in his workout outfit, which could only mean that he would be joining them today.

“Hey Peter, what’s up?”

Sam was the first to talk and Peter was grateful for it. He hadn’t really had the time to get to know Steve, so the tension was there. They didn’t know that Peter knew what had happened in Germany and what the deal was all about, so they didn’t realize that Peter didn’t entirely trust them.

“Hey kid, how are you?”
“Did I tell you, Cap? Peter will be cooking dinner tonight.”
“Really? That sounds great. What are you thinking?”
“There’s this restaurant back in Queens, I used to go there all the time with my uncle. It serves Middle Eastern food. Maybe you know it? It’s called Pahal Zan, it’s in Forest Hills. We loved it so much that we learned a bunch of the recipes, so I wanted to make that for you guys.”
“Sounds delicious, kid, you sure you can make that?”

Sam’s mocking distrust was obviously meant to be a joke, but Peter had always been self-conscious about his cooking skills. He wasn’t necessarily fond of food, but he tried to help his aunt in the kitchen. She was definitely a terrible cook, so he always felt pressured to cook something delicious for the woman that had given everything up for him.

“Don’t listen to him, Peter, I’m sure it’ll be delicious. I can help you, if you want.”

Steve jumped out to his defense, and it was a relief to Peter. He was trying to keep a positive attitude today, focusing on the good and avoiding dark thoughts, so that nobody noticed how strong and loud they were.

“Are you sure Mr. Rogers? You don’t have to do that.”
“It’s Steve for you, kid. And it’s fine, I’m sure we’ll have fun.”
“Thank you so much, that would be amazing. Is it okay if we meet at 5 to start cooking? I don’t want to start late and make everyone wait. But it’s okay if you can’t, whatever works for you is fine, I’m sorry if I dis–”
“Hey Peter, it’s okay, I’ll meet you in the kitchen at 5.”
“I’m sorry, thank you.”

After that, he waved the men goodbye and started walking towards the left building, he had a scene to set. After he was done carefully spreading the crumbs in the plate and splashing a bit of yogurt on a plate, Peter smiled satisfactorily, feeling like he had just finished a job well done. He walked up the stairs and into his room, ready to shower and start the day. What he didn’t know, was that Sam was also done with his jog, and he saw Peter spreading the yogurt on the plate, without seeing him put a spoon into his mouth.
____________________

The morning went by without many occurrences, Peter only wrote down the time he ran and then he spent most of his time listening to music and browsing the internet. Lunchtime was surprisingly easy; he only ate half of the steak he was served and the entirety of the salad. The chattering helped avert unwanted attention from his plate, and he was welcoming it, contributing to the conversation so that he wouldn’t stand out as the only one who didn’t participate.

He could feel Sam’s eyes on him, but he didn’t think much of it. Tony wasn’t around during the day. Bruce told him that Tony had to go to the city to deal with something related to his company, but that he would be back for dinner; it was slightly relieving. Even though he already knew what he was going to tell him, Peter had always feared confrontation, and he was afraid he could screw up and make things worse.

The afternoon also went by smoothly, and suddenly it was 5 in the afternoon. There was a part of Peter that was dreading this. He wanted to impress everyone with his food, but he was also terrified of what they would say. What if they didn’t like it and faked their reaction to avoid hurting his feelings? What if they simply hated it and said it to his face? He didn’t know which alternative was worse, but he knew for a fact that he would never really know the answer, his mind always battling against itself, and posing the worst scenarios.

“So, what are we cooking today, Peter?”
“I was thinking about making three different types of pitas and a veggie hord’oevers. What do you think? Do you think it’ll be enough?”
“I think they’ll love it, Peter. So how many do you want to make of each? Tonight, there’ll be nine of us, ten if Rhodey drops by.”
“How about we make eight of each? I don’t think everyone will eat one of each type.”
“I don’t know kid, Sam really likes to go to town with the food here every night.”

It was surprising to Peter how easily he laughed at Steve’s comment. He tried to be wary of him, but he had a very welcoming aura to him, and it was probably impossible to ignore it.

“I say we make eight of each and two platters of those veggie things you say, sounds good?”
“Yes! Sounds great! I’ll bring out what we need from the pantry.”
“Let me help you, it’s a lot of people here and a lot of ingredients.”
“Well, we’ll need chickpea, tahini, lettuce, tomato, chicken, Moroccan seasoning, pita breads, red onion, parsley, lemon, eggplants, cucumbers, eggs, hummus, rice paper, and flour.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing, kid, ‘cause I sure don’t have a clue.”
“It’s all good, I learned these recipes when I was younger, and my aunt and I tried to perfect them as the years went on.”
“Then let’s get to it.”
____________________

After two hours of cooking, they were finally done. Many mistakes were made, but thankfully they had the time to correct them. Steve and Peter spent most of the time talking about New York and how they had both grown up in their respective boroughs. They also talked about Peter’s academic interests and how different things were back in the 1940s. Regardless of how much he enjoyed talking to Steve, Peter also used this time to put his plan into action.

Whenever he was facing Steve, he would put a chickpea ball, or a hard-boiled egg in his mouth, but when the man turned around to chop more ingredients, he would put said food in a napkin and immediately throw it away. He felt sneaky, but he liked it.

“FRIDAY, can you please call everyone down for dinner?”
“Sure thing, Mr. Rogers.”

It took 10 minutes for the whole team to gather in the kitchen, time in which Steve and Peter organized the counters and served the food in four different trays, placing them similarly to how Clint had set up the meal he had made the day before. On the side of the counter were two bottles of soda, a jug of juice, and several types of beer. Peter felt really content when he saw everyone come into the room and say how good it smelled. He saw through the corner of his eye Sam and Tony speaking, both with their heads turned at him, but he didn’t mind much at the moment, he had a dinner to present.

“Today’s dinner is courtesy of Peter; we hope you enjoy it.”

Steve’s voice was great to hear, he knew exactly what to say, and Peter was glad that the man was the one who started the speech. Peter disliked most things about himself, and it wasn’t easy to present something he did as something well done. It was better for Steve to speak.

“These are some takes on the food that we ate at my favorite restaurant with my uncle a few years ago. The first one has chickpea balls, with parsley, lettuce, tomato, onion and tahini sauce. The second one has grilled chicken with Moroccan seasoning, lettuce, tomato, onion, lemon and parsley. The third one has fried eggplant, hard-boiled eggs, cucumbers and parsley. And at last we have some veggie hord’oevers. I really recommend you try them with hummus and tahini, they’re really good.”

He surprised himself with how much he spoke, and the excitement that was felt through his words, it was evident that this food brought really good memories.

Everyone started serving their own plates, and Peter was anxious about their reactions. As Steve said, Sam served himself one of each and took 4 hord’oevers. Everyone took at least one, having Bucky, Bruce and Tony serving themselves two and various veggie snacks. Tony, as usual, took the head seat at the table, and everyone took their place, once again leaving the seat on Tony’s right, empty. Steve and Peter were the ones who served themselves last. There were only two pitas left and 4 hord’oevers.

“What do you say, kid? Which one do you want?”
“Oh, no, it’s fine, I’ll just have two veggie sides, I ate while we were cooking, I’m full.”
“You sure, Peter?”
“Yes, I am. And besides, you did cook a lot of it, I believe you deserve both of them.”

Steve rolled his eyes, smiled, and served himself the two remaining pitas. Peter decided to sit next to Tony, he wasn’t as scared as he was yesterday but, to his surprise, the man didn’t say a word. Sam was looking directly at Peter, occasionally talking to Bucky or Wanda, but his attention was definitely set on Peter and his small plate.

Sam probably thought Peter wouldn’t notice but, when Peter was talking to Bruce about the book he had read, he saw the man signal Tony to Peter and his plate. There was virtually nothing he could do at the moment without raising more suspicion, so he remained calm, regardless of how loudly he was screaming on the inside.

“This was amazing, Peter, it’s really impressive.”

Natasha was, surprisingly, the first to talk. She had completely cleared her plate, and her expression almost made Peter feel like they had actually enjoyed the food he had prepared.

“Yeah kid, sorry I doubted you.”
“If you cook like this, you might have to sign up for making more meals, almost no one cooks decently in this place.”

Clint raised his eyebrows at Tony and the man just scoffed and rolled his eyes, as if Clint was implying that Tony was the worst cook of them all.

“Except for me, of course.”

Everyone booed him and Peter laughed, it was a nice environment to be in, it was comfortable and safe, even if it was just for half a moment.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

Peter tried not to sound as sheepish as he felt while picking up his plate and that of Tony and Bruce, who were respectively seating on his left and right, but he had probably failed. Afterwards, everyone stood up and began picking up the plates and trays, organizing the room and cleaning up.

“Anyone up for a Mario Kart competition? I bet I can beat every single one of you again, specially you, Stark.”
“I’ll take that bet, last time you cheated.”
“We’re in, too, it’s about time you realize we’re not as old as you make us to be.”
“I’m going to sleep, goodnight, everyone.”

Peter did not want to be in the same situation he was on his first night at the Compound. After hearing everyone’s goodnight and seeing the slight nod on Tony's part, Peter went to his room, and smiled at himself for the good day he had, nothing could go wrong, he had it all under control.
____________________

His Friday began the same way his days had begun during the past week. He got up at 4am, changed into hoodie and sweatpants, and headed out for his daily jog. He didn’t see Sam that day, which he thought extremely odd, but he didn’t think much of it, there are thousands of reasons why someone would skip jogging, right?

At 7am he was headed to the kitchen to do his daily art performance, but something was different, Tony was sitting at the dining table with the newspaper in his hand and two plates of perfectly fine scrambled eggs in front of him.

“Good morning, Pete. I think it’s time we talk.”

Peter froze in place. What was he doing there? Did Sam tell him what had happened on Wednesday? How would Sam know what he did to make it seem like he had breakfast? There was no way this was about his habits, this was about his suit and Tuesday, nothing else.

“Are you going to sit, or will you remain standing up? I gotta know to adjust the lightning, it’s awfully bright when you’re standing up.”

Without any word, Peter sat down in the place that didn’t have a plate of scrambled eggs on it, but Tony silently pushed it towards him.

“So, Peter, I gotta say, and I think you know this, I have no idea what I’m doing here. I was worried sick when you hadn’t come back. Do you even know what went through my mi–”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark, I really didn’t intend to stay out so late, there was this robbery, and this dude had this knife and…”
“Peter.”
“I thought he was going to punch me but then I webbed him, and then there were these women who were alone, and I didn’t want them to feel unsafe, and…”
“Peter…”
“These tourists were lost and it was late and I didn’t want anything to happen to them and the bank in front of Delmar’s was being robbed and I thought of homecoming and–”
“Peter stop.”

How could he not realize that he was rambling again, and that he interrupted the man again, how could he be so stupid. Peter knew he rambled a lot, but he just wanted to get it all out before he forgot something he wanted to say. He knew it was annoying, but Peter just didn’t know how to stop.

“I swear, you’re gonna make me go white before I’m supposed to, and you’ll have to pay for me to have it dyed.”
“I’m sorry…”
“Look, kid, I was very concerned about you, and I need you to know that what I do, I do for your safety, do you understand that?”
“Yes…”
“I’m not mad at you, Peter, I just need you to understand.”
“I do, I promise I do. Please trust me, I won’t stay out after 11pm, I promise you.”
“You’ll have the suit back tomorrow; we’ll see how it goes.”
“Thank you so much, Mr. Stark, I promise I won’t let you down.”

Peter really wanted to keep his promise this time, he believed that Tony wasn’t the type of man that would budge easily, and this was way too important for him to be childish about some rules.

“Okay, kid, now eat, it’s getting cold, and I put a lot of effort into it.”
“I can tell.”

He put on a fork with eggs in his mouth and started chewing. It felt strange, having food so early in the morning. It made him nauseous, and he felt like he could puke, but he couldn’t do that in front of Tony, it would reveal his secret. The conversation continued for about an hour, Peter tried as hard as he could to distract Tony from his plate, but it was evident that he wouldn’t, so he just gave up and ate the whole thing.

“See you at lunch? We’re having sushi today.”
“Sounds good, Mr. Stark, see you later.”

____________________

Back in his room, Peter was trying to keep the emerging freak-out at bay. He felt it in his bones, they knew. It was frustrating not to know for sure. He chose to spend the day walking around the compound, going up and down the stairs in all the buildings and checking out the garage and the hangar. He wasn’t really ready to face Sam, but Peter was sure that he told Tony about his habits, even if he didn’t entirely know.

When he realized, it was now 1pm, and a reminder popped up in his phone, it was FRIDAY’s notifying that lunch was ready and everyone was waiting for him. Without a second thought, he sprinted across the field that separated the garage and the living quarters, making sure that no one thought he was trying to skip the meal. It went as most meals went in the Compound, except this time everyone was given a plate, instead of having each of them serve themselves what they wanted.

Once again, on the inside he was full on freaking out, but he couldn’t show it, otherwise they would make a big deal out of it, and it just wasn’t. So, he sat down, ate all the food on his plate and avidly participated in conversations, realizing how he was being watched, and however so slightly, Tony and Sam seemed to act a bit more normally, eventually taking their eyes off him. After lunch, he went to the gym, but he was, once again, surprised to find Sam there. He knew that he couldn’t spend much time at the gym, as to avoid arising suspicion, so he just ran for an hour at an average speed on the treadmill, while casually talking to Sam and why he hadn’t gone jogging that day.
____________________

It was now 8pm and everyone was in the common living room, scattered all over and talking about everything all at once, but Steve took charge of the room and spoke.

“We’re having pizza and movie night tonight, tomorrow we’re going to Washington, so the activities have been moved to today.”

Everyone started cheering at the mention of pizza, but Peter felt all the blood draining from his face. Pizza was one of, if not the, biggest fear foods. He used to love it so much, but now it nauseated him, and he felt like a failure even when smelling it. A normal teen would cheer, too, after all, it’s one of the most popular foods among young people, so he forced himself to smile and lightly clap.

“We’re having a pizza standoff, we’re ordering from 5 places and each of you has to vote for your favorite, so brace yourselves and enjoy.”

As dramatic as Tony was, he stood by the elevator door, which he asked FRIDAY to open, revealing a cart with 15 boxes of pizza, 3 from each place. The smell was very strong, and most people would find it irresistible, but in Peter’s mind, it was horrifying. Everyone was cheering while trying the pizzas from all the shops, each one of them eating at least 4 slices. The atmosphere was great, most of them with a beer in their hands and laughing at the idiocy of some scenes of the movie they were watching.

Clint was now the one to pick the movie, and he chose the 40-year-old virgin, which, to him, was absolutely hilarious. Peter didn’t really understand why, he found it averagely funny. He heard Bruce and Wanda arguing over the place that pineapple had in Italian food, and Steve intervening to avoid further conflict. He saw Bucky relaxing on the couch. It was truly a sight, he was almost always very reserved, but he seemed comfortable. He noticed Sam looking in his direction, so he stuffed his mouth with a slice of pepperoni pizza. Peter thought he could get away with only eating that piece, but he was wrong, seeing Sam and Natasha make their way towards him.

“What do you think? Is that the best pizza or is that the best pizza?”
“How could he know, Sam? He’s only eaten that one type, c’mon kid, try this one, it’s so much better than that rubber joke of a pizza that Wilson thinks is the best.”

Natasha handed him a slice of vegetarian pizza, which Peter took doubtfully and began eating. He couldn’t let them know.

“I’m sorry, Sam, this one’s so much better.”
“I’m always right, Wilson, should’ve known that by now.”

Just as Sam was mocking Natasha’s reaction, and Peter thinking he could finally stop eating, Tony joined the conversation.

“Are you mad, kid? Those two are crazy, this one is the best one out of every other pizza here.”

And then he was handed yet another slice of pizza. This time it had salami, pepperoni, bacon, ham, and minced meat. I was basically grease in a pan. Dreadfully, but reluctant, Peter ate the slice, making a huge effort to not puke everything out.

“I’m sorry Mr. Stark, the vegetarian one is the best.”

Natasha smiled smugly and Tony acted offended, but then they all laughed and went to the couch to watch the rest of the movie. After an hour, Peter’s mood had completely shifted. He could feel every inch of his body, and he felt the fat increasing, making him more of a failure. He needed to get out of there, he needed to scream, to break something and to cry.

“I’m really tired, I’m going to bed now, today was fun, thank you.”

____________________

He ran to his room and shut the door with a bang. Pacing around the room, he started sweating and scratching his left hand, he couldn’t deal with this, there was no way he could stand this. He took the notebook out and cried looking at it. So much food was passed around during the day that Peter didn’t remember what he had eaten. How much could it have been to forget? He screamed into his pillow and threw the notebook into the closet, too ashamed to even try to hide it, it was shameful how badly he had failed.

As he turned his head to the right, he saw the toilet, and he knew what he had to do. Without a second thought he kneeled down in front of the toilet, and, with the help of a toothbrush, he emptied the contents of his stomach until he felt nothing, but acid come up his throat.

After flushing his shame away, Peter stared at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were puffy from crying, he was pale, and his mouth had remainders of his latest stunt. His sight was miserable, and Peter couldn’t stand it anymore; his fist took charge of it, demolishing the face staring back at him and breaking it down into hundreds of pieces that now were allowing crimson drops to flow out of him. Peter didn’t have energy to deal with this, he just wanted to sleep but his mind wouldn’t allow him to. And so, he fell to the ground to cry, only vaguely aware of what FRIDAY had said.

“Mr. Parker, Mr. Stark is on his way to your room.”

Fuck.

Notes:

Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter. Once again, please let me know if you think I'm getting too descriptive with the eating disorder behaviors, the last thing I intend to do is trigger someone.

I've been thinking about writing a chapter from Tony's point of view, or at least part of a chapter, but I'm not entirely sure about it. What do you guys think? I'm concerned it would break the continuity of the story, but there are things I want to tell that couldn't be known by Peter. Let me know your thoughts!

I really appreciate all your kind words, it's really motivating and nice. Let me know in the comments what you think, or if you have suggestions or ideas for the next chapters.

 

I hope everyone has a nice week!

Chapter 6: I heard that you've been having some trouble finding your place in the world

Summary:

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There were many words that could describe Peter’s feelings when he heard FRIDAY’s words, but if he had to choose only one it would be panic. He couldn’t afford to have Tony find out about his habits; it would destroy everything he’s been working for. Without really thinking about it, Peter harshly wiped away his tears and carelessly tried to remove the pieces of broken glass that were incrusted in his right hand, but it was so ridiculously painful.

In his mind, he deserved it, he should’ve been more careful, and he should’ve been in control of his emotions. They overwhelmed him, and took over his mind, clouding his judgement and making him ignore his reality. Peter felt weak. He hadn’t eaten much during the week, and he had just emptied what little calories he’d ingested a few minutes prior. Without energy, his enhanced senses weren’t as powerful as they could, but he could still hear Tony going up the stairs. The man had a normal pace, so Peter assumed that Tony wasn’t all that worried, and that maybe there was a chance that he thought it was an accident, instead of Peter trying to erase himself from existence.

While he tried to gather the pieces of glass that were on top of the counter, he realized the stench that was in the bathroom. It was evident that he had just vomited, and Tony would obviously notice, but time had run out, and the man was entering the room as Peter was finishing piling up the glass.

“What’s going on here? FRIDAY said there was an accident.”

Thank goodness that the AI was considerate enough to cover up what had really happened. Peter tried to process every word that Tony was saying, so that his lies were crafted perfectly to make the man believe anything else but the truth.

“I’m so, so, so sorry, Mr. Stark, I just tripped and crashed into the mirror, I’ll pick it right up, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Pete, we’ll deal with that later. What is that awful smell anyway? Did something die in here?”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark. I think the pizza messed with my stomach and I just felt so dizzy, I swear I’ll clean everything up.”
“Seriously, Peter, that’s fine, it’s tomorrow’s problem. Here, let me see that hand. How did you say you tripped? Seems kind of odd that your fist would have pieces of glass.”

The man furrowed his eyes at him and then raised his eyebrow, and it was clear that he wasn’t buying any of it, so he had to bring more detail into his lie, otherwise Tony would get even more suspicious.

“I was on my way out of the bathroom, I had just thrown up and I guess I just felt dizzy and tried to regain balance but didn’t know what to hold on to and my hand just went right into the mirror. I can’t control the strength that goes into my muscles, it just happened, and I swear it wasn’t intentional, I didn’t really see what was on my right an–”
“It’s fine, kid, don’t sweat it. Let’s clean it up and get it bandaged, we don’t want it getting infected, do we?”

It was truly surprising to Peter how much Tony knew about bandaging wounds. It was kind of obvious, having him being Iron Man and all, but Peter assumed that someone else took care of it. After Tony finished gauzing Peter’s hand, they sat in Peter’s bed and started chatting about life. It was comfortable, and Peter was thankful for this moment. He was losing his mind in the bathroom floor not too long ago, and there was a place inside him, not far from the surface, that was still a mess; but talking to Tony was comforting, and he appreciated that after the week he had.

“So kid, how’ve you been liking it here?”
“It’s great, Mr. Stark, everyone’s really nice and I think I’m getting the hang of it, living here, I mean.”
“What do you mean with that? Is there something terrible you have to get used to?”

Tony smirked at him and raised his eyebrow. Peter knew he was joking, but he felt bad for making Tony think that he wasn’t grateful. Truth be told, it was terrible to get used to concealing his habits to so many people; Tony would never know that, though.

“No, no, Mr. Stark, it’s great, seriously, I’m sorry, thank you so much. It’s just a lot, you know? There are so many things I could’ve never dreamed of seeing, it’s just a lot. I guess I was overwhelmed about everything, but I’m adjusting now, I’m sorry.”
“We haven’t really gotten to spend much time in the lab, how about we meet up on Monday to mess around with your suit?”
“So, I’ll have it back on Monday?”

He was slightly embarrassed to ask about that. Tony had told him that he would give him the suit that day, but this made Peter think that he wasn’t really meaning to give it back.

“It’s late and you’re not going out tonight, especially after what just happened.”
“Why not tomorrow?”
“The team’s going to D.C. to discuss the Accords, we won’t be here.”
“Oh.”
“I’d take you with us, but it’ll get suspicious if I bring you into such a meeting, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, I guess it makes sense.”

Peter felt conflicted on how to feel. For one, he was really glad that he could be alone to avoid eating, but he didn’t want to be alone, he didn’t want to feel alone.

“Why aren’t those meetings held here? I thought that was what the main building was for.”

Immediately regretting his words for sounding so desperate for attention, Peter turned his head to the other side, trying to hide how red his face was.

“I don’t know what to tell you, kid, bureaucrats have this horrible tendency to act like they want to do a lot but then don’t want to get up their asses to travel for an hour.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow at 7, we have the first meeting at 8:30, and it’ll be all day long, which I find absolutely disrespectful.”
“Is everyone going?”
“Yes Pete, it’s part of the agreement, everyone gets a voice. Bruce is going but not to the meetings, he’s picking up some materials. You’ll be here, but you can call me if you need anything."
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

A comfortable silence fell into the room and Peter was, once again, fidgeting with his fingers, trying to find the courage to ask Tony what he wanted.

“You really have to stop doing that, kid. If you want to say something, just say it.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“What did you want to say?”
“Why can’t I get the suit on Sunday?”
“Getting a little frantic there, now, aren’t we?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark. That’s fine, whenever you think is fine is good, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m going to Los Angeles with Pepper, there are some things we need to figure out about a property we’re buying.”
“That’s nice, Mr. Stark.”
“It is very nice, Pete.”

After that they just continued talking for a while, and then Tony checked his phone, apparently seeing how late it was.

“Goodnight, Pete, I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
“Goodnight, Mr. Stark, thank you for everything.”
“Next time know that you don’t need to eat everything that’s put in front of you, okay? The bathroom stinks and we don’t want that happening again.”
“Goodnight, Mr. Stark.”

With a wave, Tony left the room and closed the door behind him. Peter objectively knew that Tony didn’t mean what Peter believed he heard, but his mind was a dark place, and all he heard was that he ate too much, so much that it disgusted everyone to see him eat everything in sight. He didn’t really have many more tears left to cry, he was all dried up, but if he could, he was sure he’d be soaking up the pillow in which his head now rested, waiting to be engulfed by an ever-troubling slumber.
________ . ________

In all honesty, he knew he wasn’t ready for this. He loved the kid, but Tony didn’t really know if he was equipped enough to take care of him for such a long time. Much like most of his decisions, choosing to take in Peter while May was in Sweden was an impulsive call. He knew he wouldn’t regret it, but it was hard to grasp how he would impact the kid’s life.

Peter was brilliant, that much he knew. Not only was the kid book smart, but his instincts were good, and his heart was kind and pure. Though he would never admit it, Tony wanted to be like Peter in that respect. When he first met Peter, Tony was impressed by how clever and resourceful he was. Aside from his vigilante persona, Peter took whatever he could get his hands on and made something out of it.

What fascinated him the most was the ingenuity that came with the web he crafted. Which 15-year-old could be that smart to create such mixture? It was mesmerizing. But Tony was scared, deeply scared. Since the beginning, he saw himself as Peter’s mentor, but he wasn’t sure if that was something Peter would like. After all, he had always been a piping hot mess, and his mistakes were widely known. He wasn’t necessarily an example for a teen to follow. What kind of authority would he know if his reference was his father? That was definitely something he didn’t want to bring to Peter’s life.

Tony really did try to be understanding with Peter and how he felt. He thought the best way to navigate the situation was to give him time, let him get adjusted and just generally not be all over his space. He wanted to get closer to him, but it was probably better to let Peter get close to him if he felt like it. Tony really didn’t want him to think that he’d have to live with an overbearing man for the next two years.

So, when he sat down with Peter to set the tone for his stay in the Compound and the basic rules, he really thought he did a good job, giving him his freedom and doing his best to keep him happy. Regardless of how much he wanted to avoid being hard on Peter, he couldn’t help but snap at him for breaking his curfew.

When he gave Peter his suit on Tuesday, Tony was extremely nervous, but he didn’t act like it. He’d never really seen what Peter did and how he handled himself in Queens. As much as he wanted to trust Peter and his instincts, Tony cared about him too much, and couldn’t help but worry about what happened to him while he was out on patrol.

For a solid minute he thought of putting an extra tracker in Peter’s suit and install FRIDAY on stealth mode on the suit. Nevertheless, he chose not to, instead opting for trusting him and hoping for the best, because what else could he do without invading his privacy? After Peter left, Tony spent most of his afternoon holed up in his lab, trying to ignore how worried he was, instead working on a nanotech suit for Peter. Without realizing, it was now 11pm and he hadn’t heard from Peter.

“FRIDAY, can you connect with Karen and ask her about where Peter is please?”
“Sure thing, boss.”

He wasn’t really sure why it was taking so long, but for two entire minutes he did nothing but wait for the AI to answer.

“What’s up FRIDAY, do I need to adjust you or something?”
“No, sir. Peter’s suit has been located near the Calvary Cemetery, in the Astoria neighborhood of Queens.”
“Thanks, FRI.”

Tony intended to stay up until Peter arrived at the Compound, or so he guessed any responsible adult would do with a kid. But after an hour went by and Peter hadn’t yet arrived, Tony started panicking and thinking the worst. What was he thinking not putting the tracker on the suit? What if something had happened? What if the suit malfunctioned? He stopped dead in his tracks and began methodically thinking about what to do. He chose to wait for half an hour, but the whole 30 minutes were spent pacing around the kitchen, overthinking every possibility. At 00:45, he was losing his mind and did what he usually did in times of crisis.

“Hey, Pep, you busy?”

She was his anchor, and he knew she always had the right answer, and would probably know what to do. She was currently in Shanghai, and he was grateful for it, otherwise he would’ve woken her up and probably would receive an angry answer.

“Just having lunch, is something wrong?”
“So, I might’ve lost the kid.”
“What do you mean Tony? What did you do?”
“Peter went out and hasn’t come back yet. He was supposed to be here almost an hour ago.”

He had never been so glad that he could talk to someone about this. Nobody else knew about Peter being Spider-Man, nobody except for Happy and Pepper, so he couldn’t exactly ask someone in the Compound to help him out.

“Oh, Tony, you know how teens are nowadays, they lose track of time, take it easy on him.”
“What if something happened to him, Pep?”
“Wouldn’t FRIDAY tell you if it had?”

She had a point. Regardless of not putting a track on, the suit had an AI linked directly to his private server, and he’d programmed it to alert him in case of injuries.

“Well, yes, but what if–”
“You have to trust him, surely he’s on his way home.”

Something about that word made Tony feel uneasy. If the Compound was a home to Peter, would that mean that he was family? It did feel like it, but he wasn’t sure that was something the kid had even remotely thought about.

“Give him an hour, you’ll see he’s gonna be back before you know it.”
“Thanks, Pepper, I’ll let you know.”
“Keep me posted.”

And with that, they hung up and Tony sat down in the couch and put on the news. Talking to Pepper was comforting, she knew how to get him to think rationally. He followed her advice and set an alarm for 1:50am, hoping that the kid would be back by then.

____________________

It was now 2:30am and Tony was losing his shit. He had called Rhodey, who was very much asleep and cursed at him, to ask him to access the cameras in the city. He would do that himself, but he was much too worried to hack a governmental platform. Tony was grateful that Rhodey didn’t ask questions, otherwise he’d have to come up with a pretty elaborate lie to get the man to believe that there was something important other than his spider-kid being lost. It was pointless, the cameras weren’t much help and desperation was growing in Tony’s mind, he felt pretty similarly as he did after the Chitauri attack on New York, his anxiety going through the roof.

Against his instinct, he checked with FRIDAY what was going on with Peter by scanning his moves, which were tracked by Karen. Peter was simply swinging around the city, looking for something to do. Tony could’ve easily call him, but he knew that if he did, he would scream at Peter, which would probably make him want to extend his time outside the Compound.

Without a second thought, he stepped into his suit with the very helpful collapsible plating he had coined before Sokovia, ready to search every corner of Queens for Peter, when he heard FRIDAY update him.

“Boss, Peter is on his way back, he’s just passed the Randall’s Island Park, he’ll be here in 43 minutes.”
“Thank you, FRI, let me know when he’s 5 minutes out.”
“Sure thing, boss.”

There was a part of him that just wanted to hug the kid when he entered the building, appreciating how not dead he was. But Tony felt a really weird emotion within him, some sort of anguish fueled rage. How could Peter be so irresponsible on his first night out? He didn’t have any idea of the comings and goings of the residents of the Compound, he could’ve very easily been seen, especially by Barnes or Natasha.
____________________

After exactly 44 minutes, he heard Peter going through the front door of the building, and Tony didn’t know what to say to the kid without snapping at him.

“Give me the suit, Parker.”

It was the only thing Tony could muster without screaming at him and start ranting about responsibility and self-care. In his mind it was hilarious that he was thinking like that, Howard must be laughing. Hearing Peter try to make up excuses for his tardiness was surprisingly enraging. Did he really think that Tony wouldn’t know what was going on? He was the one who designed the suit, after all.

The look on Peter’s face when he took the suit from his hands was heartbreaking, Tony could tell how much it affected him, but he had to learn one way or another that the rules were put there for his safety. It was late and Tony didn’t have the patience or energy to deal with this at 3:30 in the morning, so he tossed Peter’s suit in a locked compartment in his lab and went to sleep.

____________________

The next day was confusing, to say the least. Tony didn’t really have much experience with teenagers, but he knew that most of them were defiant and wanted to be left alone when they felt attacked. So, it came as no surprise that the kid was avoiding him, he was expecting that. Tony would never admit to it, but he was hurt when Peter chose to sit next to Sam instead of sitting next to him.

A lot of times during the day he thought that he should just go and talk to Peter, but Tony didn’t want to force it, pushing the teen away. He stayed at bay, focusing on working with Bruce and trying to come up with ideas to make Peter’s suit better. He decided that he would ask him what he thought was good when he was speaking to him again.

Thursday was complicated. Even though the tension and awkwardness had since eased, there were still unspoken words and difficult conversations that needed to happen. Tony thought it better to keep his distance. He felt like Peter was still uneasy about the whole situation, so he decided to give him his space. He had thought things through, and he was no longer angry at Peter, just wanting him to understand where he was coming from and the intentions with which he placed the rules as they were.

As the afternoon was coming to an end, he was surprised to receive a message from Sam, saying that Peter would be cooking today. It was nice to see that the kid was trying to blend into the group and spending time with everyone. It also made it seem like he was already calmed down, so maybe it was time for them to talk. Nevertheless, as they were called to dinner, Sam pulled him to the side and started talking to him about Peter, something he never thought would happen.

“Hey Stark, I need to talk to you.”
“What’s up Wilson, what’s going on?”
“I wanted to talk to you about Peter, I’m concerned about him.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t know what to tell you man, he’s been acting weird.”
“What would you know Wilson, you’ve only known him for a couple of days, but please, humor me.”
“So, he’s been out jogging all week, right? And I think he wakes up way too ear–”
“I’m sorry, I’m gonna stop you right there. Are you saying there’s something wrong because he’s been jogging?”
“You didn’t let me finish. So, the thing is, this morning he was damn near passing out. He was really weak and disoriented. And now, he’s eating way too little, I’ve been watching him, something’s wrong. Little dude got some dishes dirty but didn’t eat any of it.”

They both turned their heads to the kid and Tony couldn’t help but wonder if Sam was right about what he was implying. But if he was, what did that say about Tony’s job of taking care of him? It would mean that he’s been constantly failing, and he couldn’t accept that.

“Thank you for your concern, Sam, but I think I can handle it.”
“Are you sure? I am just worr–”
“Back off, Wilson, I said I’ll handle it.”
____________________

During dinner, Tony couldn’t help but keep a close eye on Peter and his plate. Sam was evidently signaling at him to check on him and how much he was eating, Peter was starting to notice. Regardless, he was eating, and didn’t seem to be having a terrible time, so he chose to give him his space and not overwhelm him with things what could definitely be not true.

After having, once again, lost to Natasha on Mario Kart, Tony went back to his lab. It was now 11pm and he was debating on whether he should ask FRIDAY to pull up what Peter had been doing in the Compound during the past days. For one, he knew that he hadn’t been spending much time with him since his arrival, but it was just how he thought it best for Peter. So, he was curious about how he was adjusting to living at the Compound and how he was getting along with the rest of the team.

But Tony also knew that doing so was breaking the kid’s trust and invading his privacy. He didn’t want Peter to think him as an intrusive authority figure, so he simply vowed to keep a closer eye on the kid and give him the time he needed for him to tell Tony about what was up with him.

After he talked to Peter about what happened on Tuesday with his curfew, Tony felt like a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders. It was nice to talk to him again and get things sorted out. It was also a relief to see Peter eat the scrambled eggs that Tony had made for him, it slightly convinced him that he was fine, and that there were no issues with food whatsoever.

Still, Tony wanted to be sure, so instead of having lunch laid out buffet style, everyone was served a plate with 10 different pieces of sushi; and he was glad to see that Peter ate all of his food and was chatting it up with everyone. Sam was full of shit, there was nothing wrong with Peter. At night it went pretty similarly, he ate what was around, and was actively participating in the conversations. It was a bit odd that he’d gone to bed so early, and Tony could tell that everyone thought the same.

“Is everything okay with him?”
“Yeah, I’m sure he’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

Tony tried to convince everyone, but he was having a hard time convincing himself. There was this gut feeling that was telling him that something wasn’t right and that he needed to check on Peter.

A few minutes passed and everyone was back to casual, watching the movie and playing pool, all while chatting about everything and trying to ignore how the next day was surely going to be uncomfortable. He didn’t think much of it at first, after all, FRIDAY privately sent plenty alerts to his phone. He had programmed it so that his personal phone would only receive notifications of certain matters, usually pertaining to Pepper, Happy, and recently, Peter. So, he thought it must’ve been Pepper checking up on the Peter situation, trying to figure out if Tony was actually doing things right.

But he was wrong. When he read that there had been an accident in Peter’s bathroom and that he was hurt, he wanted to sprint out of the room and get to him as soon as possible. Nevertheless, he knew better than to do that, Peter wouldn’t want everyone to know about his matters.

“I’m going to bed; we’ll meet up tomorrow in the Quinjet at 7am sharp. If any of you are late, so help me god, you’ll have to walk your way to Washington. Goodnight.”

Tony calmly made his way out of the building and into the left one, trying to figure out his thoughts and what he was going to do. If something serious had happened, FRIDAY would have told him about it, so he took his time to get upstairs, preparing to talk to the kid as how he thought any sane adult would.

The scene to which he arrived at was horrifying. Peter was picking up bloodied glass shards, piling them up and further hurting himself. His eyes were puffy and red, evidently showing that he had been furiously crying. Additionally, the bathroom had an awful smell to it, and Tony had to gather all his strength to avoid gagging. Peter’s face had panic written all over it, and the man couldn’t help but wonder why. If it had truly been an accident, why was the kid scared?

There were many things he couldn’t quite figure out about Peter, and a lot of his expressions were one of those. After getting Peter to calm down and explain what had happened, Tony wasn’t convinced about what he was hearing, but there wasn’t really anything he could do without breaking Peter’s trust other than believing him. After their talk, Tony went to sleep, and he was confident that there was nothing wrong with Peter, and that he would be okay.
________ . ________

There was a part of Peter that was relieved when he heard the Quinjet leave. He could simply spend the day as he pleased, and as far away from any kitchen as he could. For a second, he considered Tony’s offer about taking him to the trip and act as his assistant, but Peter really didn’t want to deal with everyone’s questions about last night and his harmed hand. He also had time to plan his next moves.

It was now evident that Tony was onto him, however much he wanted to believe that he had managed to convince him otherwise. Peter vaguely recalled that Clint jokingly suggested that he could cook more frequently, and, ironically, he thought it was a great idea. Peter could do exactly what he did when he cooked with Steve, making everyone believe that he had eaten while he prepared the meal. That way he didn’t raise any suspicion and could successfully skip his meals.

During the day Peter didn’t do much. He jogged for two hours after the team had left and went to the gym for two hours after midday. When he wasn’t burning calories, he was holed up in his room, reading books he had found in Tony’s bookshelves. The man had almost every book he knew in its first edition, it was mesmerizing and fascinating.

At night, he went to the kitchen and took three big plates out, splashed one of them with maple syrup, the other with ketchup, and the other with ranch dressing. He then proceeded to place them in the dishwasher, along with four glasses.

If he was going to do this, he had to be careful. Afterwards, he went up to his room, and went to the bathroom. Even though the spider bite had given him particularly fast healing capabilities, he could still feel the wound, and it hurt. It was worrying Peter that he wasn’t healing as fast as before, but he wasn’t an idiot and knew why that happened. Peter took off the bandage, rinsed his hand and went straight to bed, happy to have had the day to himself without having to hide anything from anyone.

Notes:

Let me know what you guys think about it, I'm very interested in hearing your thoughts, especially about seeing Tony's perspective. I believe it better to only write from Peter's POV and from time to time from Tony's POV, but let me know what you think!

I hope you enjoy it and that you have a wonderful week!

Chapter 7: I know how much that hurts

Summary:

TW/ VERY EXPLICIT SELF-HARM
Stay safe.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It was weird for Peter to wake up with no one around. He was the first to wake up to go jogging, but he usually heard Sam getting out of the building at 6am, and Tony and Bruce meeting up in the kitchen an hour later. He could also hear Clint and Natasha chatting in the right building and Steve cooking breakfast, Bucky making small talk. But today was different. He woke up and it was silent. Even when he finished jogging, it was still quiet. It was now 9am and Peter had already faked his breakfast.

As he showered, he heard the Quinjet land, and he was both happy and nervous to have everyone back. He did feel lonely and wanted to hear them chatting and bantering again, but he was also afraid that that would mean that he would have to eat a lot again. He went down to the left building’s entrance living room and tried to act as casually as possible when he was trying to sneak a peek when they arrived.

Whatever excitement about their arrival Peter had was instantly erased when he saw everyone’s expressions. Peter was usually very good at reading people’s faces; he had perfected that art when he started skipping meals and understanding May’s feelings. Tony’s expression definitely revealed anger. He had seen that face before, after the ferry fiasco, and it was something Peter was not fond of. He knew better than to cross him right now, better to keep his distance until the man approached him. On the other hand, Rhodey’s face, much like Steve’s and Sam’s showed disappointment.

They were shaking their heads and sighing, lowly talking with each other. It was evident that the meeting didn’t go well. On the other hand, Wanda and Bucky had guilt written all over their faces. It wasn’t hard for Peter to understand why. After all, Wanda did blow up part of a building in Nigeria and was to blame for Johannesburg, even though Bruce took the hit, and Bucky did kill Tony’s parents, among a lot of other people when he was the Winter Soldier.

Peter knew that it wasn’t necessarily his fault, but he understood Tony’s anger and resentment. In fact, he thought it was particularly nice of the man to provide them with everything they needed after what they had, intentionally or not, put him through. Tony and Rhodey went through the doors to the left building while the rest of them went to the right one, evidently avoiding one another. Peter really thought that Tony was going to talk to him, but instead, the man silently got in the elevator and went up to his floor, leaving Peter alone with Rhodey.

“Hi Mr. Rhodes, how are you?”

Peter tried to sound as calm as he could, but nervousness was evident, and he knew it was a stupid question to ask, but it was better than the inevitable uncomfortable silence that would fall upon the living room if he didn’t say something.

“Hey, Pete, how’s it going?”

Rhodey smiled at him, and it surprised Peter. Evidently, the man had way more control of his emotions than Tony, but Peter guessed that came with the military training the man had received.

“I’m guessing it didn’t go well?”
“How much has Tony told you?”
“Well, there’s what we learned at school, about what the United Nations asked of the Avengers, and how Steve refused and went rogue. They told us that they were declared criminals? I’m not entirely sure what kind, but that’s what we were told. Mr. Stark did tell me something about what happened in Siberia with Bucky, but I guess he doesn’t like to talk about it.”

Now that he thought about it, Peter realized that it was weird that he knew so much about the Accords and what was behind them. He could act as if the only things he knew were from what his school had taught them, but Peter was curious, and he hoped Rohdey would tell him what had happened so that the inescapable harsh conversation with Tony wouldn’t be as difficult as it could.

“That much you have right. There’s not much else to tell. The United Nations and the government won’t budge on specific terms, which are the ones that Cap disagrees with the most. Coming to an agreement has been hard, and the personal implications have made discussions even more complicated."
“I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Rhodes. Is there something I can do?”
“It’s okay, kid. There’s nothing you can do about it, and it’s not something you should trouble yourself with. You should keep the information to yourself, these discussions are highly confidential."
“I will, I promise, Mr. Rhodes.”
“Thank you, Peter. And please, there’s no need to call me mister. You can call me Rhodey or James, or however you want, but there’s no need to be so formal."
“I’m sorry, I’ll keep it in mind.”
“It’s okay, Pete. I’m gonna go talk some sense into Tony before he leaves, Pepper won’t appreciate meeting him while he’s that furious.”
“See you later Rhodey.”
“Later, kid.”

Peter had forgotten that Tony was leaving for the day. If his memory didn’t fail him, Tony was coming back for dinner. It was comforting, because he was the only one with whom Peter felt truly at ease with. Bruce and Rhodey were both amazing and really nice to him, but he hadn’t really gotten to know them, and he was worried they wouldn’t have much to talk about.
____________________

An hour later he heard Tony’s Audi leave the premises, and Peter wouldn’t admit it, but it hurt him that the man didn’t say goodbye. Ever since his uncle Ben died, Peter was extremely anxious about the people he cared about and if they were ever in danger. He had since tried to always say goodbye, not knowing if it would be the last time he got the chance. He had grown way too close to Tony, and Peter wasn’t complaining, but it was hard knowing that there was yet another person he cared deeply about that could easily leave his life, if not willingly, by dying.

It was a definite bummer when he realized the man had left without directing a single word at Peter. During the last week he had spent most of his days in the common building, actively trying to get close to everyone and get to know them. He had realized that he wasn’t going anywhere so he had to try and make his presence in the Compound as little annoying as he could. But right now that wasn’t possible. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how agonizingly awkward the atmosphere was. Almost everyone in the Compound agreed with Cap, so there wasn’t anywhere he could go where it wouldn’t be uncomfortable.

Without taking into account his personal relationship with Tony, Peter truly agreed with him. The Avengers’ impact in the world was way deep now, and the effect that the fights had in the countries where they were held were too much and very damaging. Accountability, in Peter’s eyes, was necessary, and someone had to respond to those damages. His entire life was a lie, but he didn’t want to lie about these topics, so he had to avoid conversation with everyone on Cap’s team.

With that in mind, he sat down with Bruce and Rhodey for lunch. It was surprisingly comfortable talking to them, they created a relaxing environment, and avoided the elephant in the room with ease, instead talking about science and tech. They also talked about their travels, and it was amazing to Peter. He hadn’t really had the chance to go to other countries, except, obviously, for Germany. So, when he heard the men talking about Asia and Africa, it was simply fascinating.

An added bonus was that Tony’s closest friends were seeing him eat. He chose to eat the entire meal, knowing that Tony knew that something was off. But also, it was true that Peter hadn’t eaten anything since Friday, so he felt extremely weak and dehydrated, and he couldn’t afford to pass out in front of them.

After lunch, Peter didn’t feel like being in his room, instead wanting to explore more of the premises. Other than the evident uncomfortable feeling with the entire Sokovia Accords situation, it was a pretty good day, and he felt like he had the voices at bay, finally getting a break.

There was a lot to explore, so he went to the lake that was behind of all the buildings. There was a wooden bench that was under a massive tree, and it faced the lake. It was amazingly relaxing, and Peter felt like the air that he was breathing was better, like he was living an entirely different reality where everything was okay and calm. About an hour went by when he heard someone walking towards him. Fearing the worst, he chose not to turn around, instead acting like he hadn’t heard anything. Peter really didn’t want it to be Steve or Sam, he wouldn’t know what to say and how to get out of the situation. Much to his surprise, it was Wanda who sat next to him.

“Oh, hey, Peter, I didn’t know you liked the lake.”
“It’s not that I don’t like it, I just hadn’t thought of coming here.”

For some weird reason, Peter felt somewhat comfortable talking to her. She was definitely older than him, but not as much as the others. Even though they had obvious different perspectives on the whole Accords deal, it felt safe to talk to her.

“I’m sorry to bother you, I just come here from time to time, to think.”
“Oh no, I’m sorry, I’ll leave, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine, Peter, we can be here together.”

She smiled at him and sat on his side. After a couple of minutes, Peter relaxed and regained the feeling he had when he first got to the bench. Nevertheless, he wanted to know her better, and to ease some of the tension between the two teams.

“Do you mind if I ask you how are you? I imagine it’s been a complicated weekend.”
“Thank you, Peter. It’s just exhausting, all the fighting and discussions.”

Peter didn’t really know how to respond, so he just waited for her to continue, maybe she just wanted to get things off her chest?

“You know, when Ross first came and explained what was going on, I actually agreed with Stark. I was the one who blew up a building in Nigeria, and I’m to blame for what happened to Sokovia a couple of years ago, Ultron was my fault.”
“How was it? Sokovia, I mean.”
“It was my home, it was beautiful, and my entire family grew up there. People say it wasn’t important, but it was everything to me. After I lost my parents, rage took hold of me.”

Peter really hoped that his eyes were deceiving him, but he could see that her eyes were turning ever so slightly red, and he was scared that he had triggered her.

“My home city, Novi Grad was bombarded, and my brother and I were left alone.”
“I can’t even imagine, I’m so sorry.”
“We didn’t really know what to do, so we volunteered for Strucker’s experiments. We thought we could avenge our parents.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. Peter didn’t want to laugh because it was so obviously inappropriate, but the fact that she used the word ‘avenge’ was extremely amusing to Peter.

“It backfired, bad.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was the one who put that vision in Stark’s mind, Ultron was my fault, I destroyed my city.”

A silence fell and they were both quietly thinking, looking towards the lake. Peter didn’t exactly know what to say, but he did know the guilt that she felt, he had felt it too one too many times.

“I don’t see it that way. I think our pasts shouldn’t define us, and that we have choices, you know?”
“Well, it’s all in the past now.”

Wanda softly smiled, and it was like she regained her composure, leaving behind how emotional she had just been.

“After everything happened, Steve took me under his wing, he saw something in me and has taken care of me since Sokovia broke apart. If it hadn’t been for him and Clint, I don’t know where I’d be right now.”
“So that’s why you sided with them?”
“At first it was, but then I understood why Steve wouldn’t budge. It’s hard to protect if someone and their interests have the final say in whether you’re allowed to or not.”
“I guess that makes sense.”
“Stark isn’t wrong though, there must be some common ground and it’s been hard to find it.”
“I hope you guys do find it soon.”
“Me too, Peter.”

With that, the conversation ended, and they continued their afternoon in front of the lake, eventually talking about the compound or their own stories. Peter now saw that Wanda was nice, and it was great to hear the other side of the story. It didn’t entirely change Peter’s mind, but it did help him understand better.

After a couple of hours, he heard all the way from the lake how Tony’s car was pulling up to the entrance of the Compound. Those calories he had for lunch were working wonders for his enhanced hearing.

“I’m going inside now; Nat and Clint are making dinner and they asked me for help.”
“Bye, Wanda, it was nice speaking with you.”
“Likewise, Peter, see you later.”
____________________

Even though Peter profoundly hated getting into conflictive environments, he wanted nothing more than to see Tony’s rage disappear; it made Peter feel terrified. It was now 7pm and he was sitting in the large couch in the main living room. Steve and Bucky were sat in the barstools, in front of Natasha, who was preparing a cocktail. Wanda was sitting in the lone chair and Rhodey was talking to Sam in front of the bookshelves, Peter could understand from their conversation that Rhodey had just called Tony to the room for them to have a proper discussion, to which Sam reluctantly agreed to.

The fact that Bruce came into the living room with Tony was a relief to Peter, because he knew that the man wasn’t at the meeting in Washington, so there was someone else in the room who didn’t have to give an opinion.

“We need to talk about this.”

Rhodey began speaking and at the moment he started speaking, Steve, Natasha and Bucky made their way to the couch, while simultaneously Tony leaned back against the glass stair railing and scoffed. Thankfully, Bruce sat next to Peter and whispered to him ‘don’t worry about it’.

“There’s nothing to talk about Rhodey, there is no discussion to be had. This is how the world works. Get on board or get off.”

Tony’s tone was the one he used when he was scolding Peter back when the ferry accident happened. It was evident that he didn’t want to talk about this, and it wasn’t up for discussion.

“Should Peter be here?”
“Back off, Barnes. You more than anyone should thread carefully here.”
“Look, Tony, we’re really trying to compromise, but ther–”
“There’s no compromise to be made, Captain, this is round two, this is your second chance at trying to lose your criminal status and let me tell you, pal, you’re blowing it.”
“We’re just saying that we should have the choice to act when we’re needed, there’s no need for you to act out and get your panties in a bunch.”

Sam’s comment evidently fueled Tony’s anger, but the man, with his signature eye roll, remained silent, obviously trying not to curse at him.

“Let’s not make this worse, okay, Sam?”

Rhodey was, without question, the one keeping things steady in the discussion. Peter could see that he only wanted to reach an agreement that wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“There’s a reality, and that is that the territories in which we intervene are severely affected by our actions, and their governments aren’t having it. It’s expensive to rebuild what was damaged, without even mentioning how much their people lose. Let’s not forget 117 countries think the same, we’re lucky to have been given a second shot and a voice at the new Accords.”
“If that’s it, then why don’t we set up a fund with which the damages are covered?”

It was interesting to see how all of them reacted to the discussion. Steve and Tony were the ones who saw the issues, while Sam supported whatever Steve said. On the other hand, Natasha, who had just proposed a solution, along with Rhodey were the type of people who took action, trying to solve the problem the best way they could. But Peter could also see Wanda and Bucky sitting silently in two barstools that they had brought closer to the living room, to be a silent present part of the conversation.

“Oh gee, why didn’t we think about that?”
“What do you mean, Stark?”
“Do I have to spell it out for you, Sam? Or should I explain it with playdough?”
“Tony...”
“No, Rhodey, please, let him enlighten us on why that’s a good idea.”
“Why wouldn’t it? It would solve the issue and we would have the freedom to act, wouldn’t we?”
“Did you hear nothing of what Ross said the first time around? They understand the Avengers to be an American entity, and if you haven’t noticed yet, most countries aren’t fans of the United States. They wouldn’t even consider allowing American money into their territory.”
“But Tony –”
“Where are these funds going to come from? Did you bunch think that Scrooge Tony McDuck would simply pull out a couple billion dollars whenever we fuck up?”

Everyone stayed silent at the last comment. They had obviously assumed that Tony would be the one to pay for the damages, but the man was not a fan of the idea, and he wasn’t holding back.

“I’m already running a bed and breakfast for every single one of you and I’m paying for our past fuck ups. How do you idiots think you’re avoiding jail, huh? Favors aren’t paid with a pretty smile. So please, enlighten me, where else are you going to get the money from, if it’s not from me, because let me tell you now, it won’t.”
“We don’t represent the American government and we never will, there must be a way to detach ourselves from that concept.”

Steve clearly dismissed the whole financial comment, not really having an answer for it. They simply assumed that Tony would be the one to solve everything; it was unfair, and Peter hated that they couldn’t see how it really was.

“There’s hardly a way, Steve. In their eyes, we fight for the Americans’ interests and take no regard in who we crush in the way.”

Peter was now sure that Rhodey was the voice of reason among the team, and it was amazing to hear him calmly speak and keeping his tone flat. Peter turned his head to Wanda, seeing a sad expression across her face, and he couldn’t help but sympathize with her. After all, her country disappeared because of them.

“Why don’t we draft a new set of rules to which we adhere to? They would be written on our terms and boom, problem solved.”
“Wow, Wilson, your understanding of politics and bureaucracy is really impressive. You should be a professor, really.”
“Tony, cmon man, let’s keep our cool.”
“I’m much too tired to hear more of your bullshit, we’ll talk later.”

And with that, Tony turned around and went out of the building and into the left one. Everyone was left speechless, not really knowing what to do. For one, they couldn’t continue the conversation without Tony, but there were still so many things left unsaid. After Tony left, they all started slowly making their way out of the main building, leaving only Rhodey, Bruce and Peter in the living room.

“He’ll come around, it’s gonna be okay.”
“It’s been a hard day, let’s just ignore it for the rest of it. What do you think, Peter? Do you want a sandwich for dinner?”

Rhodey had been growing fonder of Peter with each passing day. He now understood why Tony liked him so much, so he wanted to spend more time with him and get to know him better. But Peter was just exhausted of pretending, and he didn’t want to pretend in front of Bruce and Rhodey.

“Thank you so much, but I’m kinda tired, I think I’m gonna go to sleep now.”
“Have a good night, Pete, see you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight, Dr. Banner! Goodnight, Rhodey!”

Peter left and went straight to bed. He was definitely tired, not only physically but also emotionally. His body didn’t have enough fuel to process everything that had happened, so he brushed his teeth and was asleep by 10pm.
____________________

When morning came around, Peter felt a bit more hopeful. As usual, he got up at 4am and started jogging. That morning he didn’t jog with Sam, but he did bump into him when he was making his way back to the building to paint the perfect picture of a would-have-been breakfast.

“We’re good, right, kid?”
“Oh yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”
“I know you’re Stark’s protégé or whatever.”
“It’s really none of my business, Sam, but I hope you guys can figure it out soon.”
“Me too, Pete, me too."

They parted ways and Peter went into the building to put some butter in a knife and spread crumbs in a plate. To his surprise, as he was loading the plates into the dishwasher, Tony walked down the stairs and went into the kitchen, without directing a single word at Peter. He would never admit it, but that hurt him way beyond he could ever think it would. Tony simply took out orange juice and some eggs, even passing in front of Peter, he stayed with his eyes locked on his phone.

He took that as his cue and left the kitchen without turning around because he knew that, if he did, he’d probably cry. What had he done wrong? Why was Tony mad at him? Peter’s head was a mess, he couldn’t really pinpoint something that would make the man so angry at him, but he evidently was. Even when FRIDAY told him that lunch was ready and that they were calling for him, Peter didn’t dare to move out of his bed, too scared that he would do something that would anger the man further, possibly making him hate Peter.
____________________

He fell asleep and, when he woke up, he realized it was now 3pm, but the nap didn’t take the effect that he intended. Instead of helping him ease his anxiety, the only thing that happened was that his stress grew, and he felt like he was losing his mind. Peter really didn’t know where to go, or what to do. Without noticing, he ended up in Tony’s garage, where he found Happy.

“What’s up kid, what are you doing here?”
“Do you want to go to the city to get some ice cream? It’s okay if you can’t or if you don’t want to, I’m sorry I asked, it was stupid of me, just forget I aske–”
“Is everything okay, Peter?”
“Everything’s fine, Happy, I promise.”

Tears were welling up in his eyes, and he could tell that the man noticed, but he didn’t really feel like hiding how he felt, it was evident and to be honest, he wanted someone to talk to.

“Let’s go, Pete, I’ll bring the car around.”

____________________

After an hour, they arrived in Manhattan, and Happy took them to the Lower East Side, where, according to him, was the best rolled ice cream he had ever eaten. In a normal situation, Peter would be screaming inside at the thought of eating that much sugar and calories, but right now, he didn’t care. His mind was busier thinking about what he could’ve possibly done wrong.

They went into the store and Happy ordered a Summer Lovin’ ice cream, while Peter ordered the Strawberry Fields one. After they both received their order, they sat down in one of the store’s outside tables, it was June and summer was starting, so the air was beginning to boil hot.

“Talk to me, Peter, what’s going on.”
“I don’t really know where to start…”
“I would suggest, at the beginning, don’t you think?”

Peter blushed at the comment, feeling as stupid as he’d ever felt, but regardless, he began talking.

“Okay, so you know about the Accords, right? So, yesterday they flew to Washington and apparently it didn’t go well, they were fighting last night, and it was a mess. I think I did something wrong? I know it sounds horrible and desperate and embarrassing, but I think Mr. Stark is mad at me, he hasn’t even looked at me and I don’t know what I did or what I said but now I’m concerned because he’s been so nice to me and I’m just being a burden to him and annoying him and I can’t be that ungrateful and I don’t know what to do or how to make it right and I just–”
“How can your lungs stand that number of words in such a small amount of time? Seriously kid, it’s impressive.”

Embarrassed, Peter looked down and waited for Happy to continue talking. There wasn’t much for him to say, anyway; Peter would only ramble on if Happy hadn’t stopped him.

“Tony’s had a hard time getting along with them again. Trust doesn’t come easy for him, especially after what happened with Barnes, he’s doing his best, but it’s complicated. Don’t take it personally, Peter, he’s trying to process everything that’s going on. Don’t forget that besides the Avengers, he’s got a company too, and now a kid he’s taking care of. Cut him some slack.”

Now he was feeling like an asshole and an idiot. How could Peter even think that Tony had time to be mad at him with the number of things he had in his plate? It was ridiculous.

“What can I do?”
“Honestly, Pete, give him some space. You must calm down first, then you can talk it through.”
“Do you think he hates me?”
“He could never hate you, Peter. Seriously, that man is obsessed with you.”

Peter let out a small laugh and tried to act relieved, but he still had his doubts. Never in his wildest dreams could Peter imagine that a man such as Tony Stark wouldn’t hate him. Peter was nothing in comparison.

“When he’s very stressed, he can act like that with Pepper and I, too. So don’t worry too much about it, everything will be fine.”
“Thank you, Happy.”

Peter hadn’t said such sincere words in a while. Talking to him was nice and safe, he felt like Happy understood Tony and had the patience to explain it to Peter. After they were done with their ice creams, they walked around the city for a while, talking about the Accords and what would happen if they found out that Peter is Spider-Man. After all, he was part of the fight, so he couldn’t necessarily ignore it. But for now, Peter chose to put it in the back of his mind, instead focusing on Happy’s stories of how Tony was a few years back.
____________________

At 4pm they were back in the Compound and were met by a very worried Tony. If Peter hadn’t known the man better, he’d say that Tony was pissed off, but he could see that it was concern, not anger.

“Where were you, guys? Having fun without me, I see.”
“We just went to the city for some ice cream at that Minus Celsius ice cream shop. We would’ve invited you, but you didn’t show your face in the morning.”
“Don’t make me bump you down to forehead of security again, Happy.”
“For one, ha ha, for two, that’s not your call to make anymore.”
“That you’re right about. Come on kid, we need to chat.”
“Bye, Happy! Thank you for today.”

With a smile, Happy turned around and headed towards the garage, while Tony put his arm around Peter’s shoulder and guided him to the field on the side of the official business’ building.

“I don’t really know what to say, Pete, so bear with me.”
“Okay...”
“I guess you know by now that this crap with the Accords is pretty horrible and delicate and just a huge mess, right? Those guys really know how to hit a nerve, and let me tell you, they are much less nice when they are trying to sound smart.”

The man waited for a moment to see Peter’s expression. Peter didn’t really know what to say or do, he just waited for the man to continue.

“They are infuriating and god, sometimes I wish I hadn’t bailed them out and at times I want to kick them all out. I guess what I’m trying to do is apologize? I’ve been a crappy person, and you didn’t deserve it, so I’m sorry.”

Peter remained silent. He knew that apologies didn’t come easy for Tony, and that it was really incredible that he was apologizing to him.

“Now’s when you to talk.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark. It’s okay, though, I understand.”
“So, what do you think about it, anyway? The whole Accords deal.”
“I mean, I guess I agree with you. But maybe there can be some common ground. I don’t know, maybe some guidelines that could determine the how and when of the Avengers’ intervention.”
“So, what Wilson said.”
“No, no, nothing like that. I just think that the governments need to think they’re in control, that’s it.”
“I guess we’ll see.”
“When do you have the next meeting?”
“Hopefully not for a long time, It’s already awkward enough and I will not pay someone to live here if they’re gonna make it horrible.”

As Tony finished speaking, they were already in his lab, and they sat in front of the main table. Peter hadn't really realized where they were headed, but he was glad it was a place where no one other than Tony really went.

“So, I’m not very fond of the idea of you taking me for a liar, so here’s your suit.”

He handed Peter his suit and he felt like he could breathe again. In some strange way, he thought he wouldn’t see it again, and he was grateful for the trust that Tony put on him.

“Don’t make me regret it, kid. I trust you but don’t push me.”
“Thank you so much, Mr. Stark, I promise I won’t disappoint you.”

Peter didn’t want to seem rude, but his leg was bouncing out of the excitement he felt of being able to go out on patrol again.

“Go ahead, kid. If you keep doing that, you’re gonna make me dizzy. Be safe.”

As if he had just gotten permission, Peter left running and changed into the suit. He sneaked through the window and went to the roof, where he began swinging towards Queens, feeling as free as he ever felt since his arrival at the Compound.
____________________

It was 5:15pm when he arrived in Queens, and he felt on top of the world. He used to care little about the small things, but today it was different. He felt like he was useful when he gave directions to lost tourists, and when he helped an old lady cross the street. Actual criminal activity began around 7pm. Nothing too scary, just harmless muggings, some kids fighting, and a drunk driver. He felt particularly useful when he talked someone out of jumping from a 10-story building. Regardless of the irony of it, he felt proud of himself and walked the man home.

At 10pm he was getting ready to leave and head to the Compound, he intended to keep his promise to Tony and decided to make it on time and leave by 10:10pm. When he was about to turn and leave, he heard a woman scream and he swung as fast as he could. There were 2 men robbing her and holding her at gunpoint, they were trying to take her jewelry and purse, Peter really hoped they weren’t thinking of anything else.
Peter tried as hard as he could to get in-between the men and the woman to prevent them from harming her, but he was too late, and he heard the gunshot as he landed on their side. ‘Fuck, it’s Spider-Man’. He heard the criminals running away from the scene and he wanted to follow them, he really did, but his focus was now on the woman, and there was nothing he could do for her.

“Karen, please call 911 immediately, tell them there’s an injured woman in Kew Gardens Hills, in the 139th street, with the 72nd road.”
“Right away, Peter, they’re 3 minutes out.”
“Everything’s going to be okay, you’re going to be fine, they’re going to take care of you, you’re going to be just fine.”

Peter really wanted to convince the woman that she was going to be okay, but really, he was trying to convince himself, he wouldn’t know how to live if he knew something happened to her because of him.

“Thank you, Spider-Man.”
“It’s Peter, ma’am, I’m Peter. What’s your name?”
“I’m Sophie.”
“Peter, the ambulance is around the corner. It’s 10:15pm, I recommend you start making your way back.”

He wanted to stay and make sure she was okay, but he also knew that he made a promise to Tony and that his identity had to be protected so, against his better judgement, he began getting up and getting ready to swing north to the Compound.

“It was really nice knowing you, Sophie, you’re going to be fine, and this will just be a bad memory.”
“Karen, please keep me updated on her status.”
“Sure thing, Peter.”
___________________

Peter was ten minutes away from the Compound and he had just passed the suburbs, already making his way through the trees when he heard the AI’s voice.

“As per your command, Sophie has been admitted to the North Shore University Hospital and is in critical condition.”

Peter stopped swinging and sat on a branch to regain his focus. He knew he couldn’t stop, otherwise he’d be late, but he also couldn’t stop thinking about the woman. What if it was all his fault for being late? He couldn’t afford to be late, so he shook the thoughts out of his head and continued swinging.

After exactly 8 minutes, he arrived at the Compound and entered his room at 10:58pm. He could hear all the way from his room how Tony was checking up on him and his arrival in his lab. He heard the man hum in approval and shut the pad down, making his way upstairs.

Proud of himself for making it in time, Peter took off his suit and got into the shower, trying to wash away his worries and convinced that the woman would be okay. Tony had been kind enough to sync Karen to his new phone, so he could have his familiar AI instead of FRIDAY deliver him messages. It was something Peter really appreciated because he had grown fond of the AI and her voice was comforting, but what he heard was everything but.

“Peter, I’m sorry to inform you that Sophie was pronounced dead at 11:16pm due to extreme blood loss.”

He felt like his world crumbled in front of him. He didn’t react at all, in fact, he stood perfectly still in the middle of the room. How could he have been so stupid? Why was he late? Why wasn’t he faster? why couldn’t he save her? His mind was screaming at him, and he could feel despair running through his head, but his body wasn’t registering it, instead focusing on his surroundings. He was to blame for her death. She had a family, and they were now without a loved one because of his failure.

His thoughts were nothing but ‘you killed her’ and he couldn’t, didn’t want to silence them, he deserved to be punished, he deserved to suffer. Without giving it much thought, he remembered the scissors that were in the second drawer of his desk. Peter had always thought about it, but he had never gone through with it, too scared of what would happen to him and his body. But right now, he didn’t care at all, he deserved everything that was going to happen to his body, and he deserved to hurt.

Much to his surprise, tears hadn’t run down his cheeks, so he sat down, his mind as sharp as the blades in the scissors and began drawing perfectly aligned lines all the way from his wrist to the joint in his elbow in his left forearm. The cuts weren’t deep, and Peter knew it wouldn’t be enough to leave a significant mark, but it helped ease the voices in his head. They were feeding off his self-hatred and relished in the blood that was coming out of his wounds.

After he felt it was enough and that he didn’t have any more space, he stood up and went to the bathroom to clean the blood off the scissors, and to wash his forearm. He obviously didn’t want to stain his sheets with blood; he couldn’t afford another fuck up, another issue in Tony’s life, he was already enough of a burden. Even though he had thought about it, Peter really didn’t know much about the whole deal, so it came as a surprise the pain that he felt when the water hit the cuts. He embraced it, he deserved it and should live with it, always.

After putting the scissors away, Peter laid numbly in his bed, trying to find strength to fall asleep. His mind was being stubborn, and it was telling him that he didn’t deserve to rest, knowing that Sophie’s family now had to sleep knowing that she died because of Peter’s incompetence. In spite of the thoughts, Peter turned to his left, pulled his sleeves longer and fell asleep to a nightmare-filled slumber.

Notes:

Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter. As with the eating disorder behavior, I'm not sure how to properly write about self-harm. I don't want to trigger anyone, so please let me know if you think it was too much.
On another note, please let me know what you think about the story! I'm open to polite criticism and would very much like to hear your opinions and ideas.
I hope you stay safe and have a very nice week x.

Chapter 8: but if you need a friend

Summary:

Notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There was nothing. The world kept spinning and going on around him, but there was nothing, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t breathe.

In theory, he had gotten enough sleep, 7 hours to be exact, but he didn’t rest at all. How could he? He had killed someone and there was no way he could fix that. Right before he fell asleep, Peter hoped that, in the morning, he would find a way to make things right and to cope with what he had done. The reality was that it had all gotten much worse at 6am, when he woke up and realized that Sophie hadn’t. Every breath he took was a reminder of his failure and how badly he fucked up.

His mind was screaming at him, telling him that he didn’t deserve to be lying in bed, that he wasn’t helping anyone and that he should be better so that nothing like what had happened would ever happen again. His body just wasn’t responding. It was like his mind had disconnected and all that was left of Peter was numbness and grief.

He had forgotten everything that he learned about concealing his disorder from everyone, and his consciousness was aware that they would find out about what he’s been doing to himself, but his body just didn’t care, and it wasn’t responding to his brain. Peter only knew that he was in his bed at the Avengers Compound, his eyes looking up to the roof, his stomach rumbling, and his heart breaking.

His ears registered the words, and his mind told him that more than an hour had passed since he woke up, but he couldn’t do anything, it just wasn’t happening.

“hey kid, I want to show you a little something I’ve been working on for your suit. I’ll meet you, say, at 10am in the lab?”
I killed her.
“See you then, Pete.”

Why weren’t his legs responding to his command? Why weren’t his eyes moving? Why was his head still? He really wanted to go to the lab and spend the morning with Tony, he really did, but his body wasn’t working with him. If Peter had to guess, about three hours passed since Tony first came into his room, and it was definitely past the hour that Tony said Peter should meet him in the lab.
____________________

“I won’t say I’m hurt, but why did you stand me up, huh? You got something better going on here?”

The only thing going through Peter’s brain was how he woke up and Sophie didn’t. How he could speak with the people he cared about, but Sophie couldn’t. How Peter had endless possibilities for his future, but Sophie’s were cut short because of him.

From his room he could smell the food that was being prepared downstairs. He smelled the meat, the sauce and the pasta. If he had to guess, he’d say that they were preparing lasagna for lunch, which meant it was probably 1pm, but Peter couldn’t be sure. It didn’t matter because he wouldn’t eat it. Sophie would never eat lasagna again, or anything else, for that matter.
____________________

“Let’s go, Peter. Bruce and I are waiting for you for lunch. If you’re not downstairs in five minutes we’re gonna start without you and your food’s gonna get cold.”

How could he? He was responsible for her death, and he should suffer just the same. He was supposed to protect her, but he failed; so why should he be allowed to continue living as if nothing had happened? Peter didn’t really notice, but one of his arms began moving, and the other could feel it.

His punishment should be worse, he should suffer more, and the scratching in his wounds should help, the little drops of blood in his forearm were proof that he was atoning for his mistakes.
____________________

“This room stinks, Peter. I swear, kid, if you don’t get up and moving, you’ll be cleaning your room for the rest of your stay. Gosh, just listen to me, what have I become.”

Tony’s words resonated in his head. He was stinking, but he deserved it. He wasn’t worthy of feeling clean, not after what he had done.

Through the blinds, Peter could see that it was now dark, and some part of him was yelling about how useless he had been and how irresponsible he was for not hiding his shenanigans. He hadn’t moved at all during the entire day and his muscles were screaming, atrophy ever so present since midday. His head was not only clouded by his thoughts, but he was extremely nauseous and dizzy.

After all, he hadn’t eaten anything since he went out with Happy to eat ice cream. But Peter was grateful that it was now nighttime. Soon enough his body would take charge and be tackled by exhaustion, making his terrible thoughts into terrible nightmares. At least in his sleep he could stop actively thinking about it, instead having his subconscious rightfully torture him for what he had done.
________ . ________

Regardless of the fact that he had told Peter that he trusted him, Tony was still doubtful about the time in which Peter would return to the Compound. He didn’t necessarily think he would pull the same stunt that he did on Tuesday, but Tony did think that the kid would push it further. So, it was pleasant surprise hearing Peter come into the building.

Tony would never tell him, but he was proud of Peter for keeping his promise and coming back at 11pm. After making sure that Peter had arrived safe and sound at the Compound, Tony went up to his floor and fell asleep, planning on spending the next day with Peter and working on both of their suits.
____________________

Ever since Sam had talked to Tony about how Peter was jogging every morning, he kept a close eye on the kid. It wasn’t that he was concerned about him, he just wanted to know how his days were and if he was happy living in the Compound. So, when he woke up and checked, realizing that Peter hadn’t gotten up to jog, Tony was suspicious.

Tony simply decided that Peter had just slept in, maybe giving himself a day off, so Tony didn’t think much of it, hoping to see him soon. Two hours later, at 9am, there was still no sign of Peter, and it was beginning to concern Tony, so he went up to the kid’s room to check on him.

When he entered the room, he was surprised. Peter was still lying in his bed, but he wasn’t asleep. His eyes were wide open and didn’t even move when Tony entered the room. He noticed how Peter’s suit was on the floor on the left side of the bed, and he made a mental note to tell the kid how irresponsible that was, as anyone could walk in and see it.

“Hey kid, I want to show you a little something I’ve been working on for your suit. I’ll meet you, say, at 10am in the lab?”

There was no response on Peter’s side, not even a change in his expression. Tony knew that Peter loved spending time at his lab, regardless of how much the teen wanted to hide it. It was surprising that he wasn’t reacting at all, so, Tony chose to give him his space and hope that Peter would show up later.

“See you then, Pete.”
___________________

Midday came sooner that Tony thought, and he was getting worried, since Peter didn’t show up at the lab to meet him. The kid was probably just having a bad day. Everyone had one of those, and teenagers were known for having a multitude of them, right?

When Tony showed up again at Peter’s bedroom and saw that he hadn’t even moved an inch, Tony decided that that was the only explanation. If he had gotten hurt on patrol, FRIDAY would’ve alerted him, so Tony ruled out any injuries that would prevent Peter from moving. Instead, Tony opted for trying to act as normally as possible and joke with him to try and lighten the mood.

“I won’t say I’m hurt, but why did you stand me up, huh? You got something better going on here?”

Peter, once again, didn’t react to Tony’s words, so the man silently left the room and was determined to find out what was wrong with him. Regardless of how much he wanted to believe that Peter was just going through a phase, there was this nagging feeling that told him that something else was wrong, and that he shouldn’t let it slide. After his second attempt at communicating with Peter, Tony went downstairs and met with Rhodey and Bruce to prepare lunch.

“Hey, Tony, how’s it going?”
“Good afternoon, everyone. What are we cooking today?”
“We’re making lasagna. You told us that his aunt is Italian, we thought he’d appreciate it.”
“That’s nice, Bruce, hopefully it’ll turn out good.”
“Where is he, anyway?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Rhodes. He’s holed up in his room, hasn’t come out today.”
“That seems odd, don’t you think?”
“He’s probably sleeping in, who knows up until what time he was awake last night. You know how teenagers are.”
____________________

After lunch, at around 3pm and still seeing no activity come from Peter’s room, he made his way to the main entrance to meet with Happy, with the hope that he would have a clue about what was happening.

“Hey Tony, what’s up?”
“Hey Happy. Do you have, by chance, any idea why Peter’s in a mood?”
“Is he still upset?”
“What do you mean with still?”
“Oh yeah, yesterday we went for ice cream, and he seemed off, so we had a chat about it.”
“And what is it exactly that was bothering him?”
“The kid just didn’t understand your reaction to the outcome of the last Accords meeting. He thought he had done something wrong and was afraid you’d be mad or something.”
“Why didn’t he say anything?”
“Are you really asking that?”

Happy was right. Tony knew that he didn’t have the easiest temper to deal with when he was angry, Pepper and Happy had dealt with it one too many times. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Tony that Peter felt alienated because of how distant Tony had been.

Truly, he just didn’t want to snap at Peter. There was obviously nothing that Peter had done wrong, but Tony was a time bomb, and he knew that, when he was pissed off, anything would make him blow. He chose to keep his distance while he cooled down and managed to think things through.

“You got that right.”
“But he was fine when we got back, all excited to see you and everything.”
“Huh.”
“Why? what’s going on?”

Tony could see concern in Happy’s eyes, and it was nice to see him grow fonder of the kid, but he didn’t want to involve anyone else in this. He had to know what was going on to determine who should know about this.

“Nothing, just asking. Thanks, Hap, see you later.”
____________________

When he got back, instead of getting up to check in on Peter, he simply asked FRIDAY for an update. Peter was probably sick of him barging in on his room every couple of hours to see if he was still alive.

“Hey, FRIDAY? Do me a favor and check on the kid. Has he moved yet?”

He was making his way to the lab in the common building. Even if he didn’t want to deal with anyone on Steve’s team, Tony was committed to keep the squad in optimal conditions, so he continued working on gadgets for everyone.

“Peter hasn’t moved from his spot since you last checked in on him. Should I alert him?”
“No, FRI, that’s ok. Thanks, though.”
“My pleasure.”

It was disappointing, but not surprising. Tony hoped that Peter would’ve at least gone to the bathroom but, evidently, he hadn’t. With every minute that passed, Tony was getting more and more worried. Many thoughts were going through his mind, and he knew none of them were useful in figuring out what was going on.

A noise pulled him out of his many plausible scenarios, and he realized it was the buzz on his lab’s door. Tony didn’t even have to look to know who it was. Very few people got up to the lab, and even fewer bothered him while he was in there.

“Hey, Tony, we need to talk.”
“What do you want, Rogers? I’m kind of busy at the moment, if you don’t mind.”
“This takes precedent, we can’t go on like this anymore.”
“Gosh, you sound like those disgustingly sappy movies.”
“I mean it, Tony, we have to figure this out.”
“Do you seriously think we will sort this thing the two of us sitting here and then we’ll all sing Kumbaya when it’s all over?”

Tony didn’t have time for this. For one, he was trying really hard to ignore how pressing the Accords thing was. The United Nations were already asking for results and, so far, they had nothing to offer. Tony couldn’t tell the team, but Steve and his crew’s freedom was dependent on what agreement they reached with the international community and the American government.

On the other hand, there was Peter. He had to be honest with himself, for all he cared about, he’d send Steve’s squad back to prison in the blink of an eye if that would make the kid be okay.

“I’m just saying maybe having these discussions with everyone from scratch isn’t the best idea. Everyone looks up to you for leadership, so perhaps we could come up with possible solutions and then we could discuss them with the team. How does that sound?”
“I guess that sounds... reasonable.”

Tony didn’t feel like getting fully invested in the conversation. He knew that if he took the time and sat down with Steve to actually talk things thoroughly through, he’d probably snap, and they’d get nowhere. Instead, he put his mind to work on Rhodey’s suit, and designated a small portion of his brain to the discussion with Steve.

“Lay it out for me, then, how do you see this?”
“Here’s the deal: they want to feel in control, and they want to think they own us, in some twisted way. Don’t get me wrong, Cap, I know we need to have autonomy, but our track record isn’t necessarily a good one.”
“Are they still clinging on to what happened in Sokovia and Nigeria?”
“It’s not what happened in Sokovia and Nigeria. It’s what happened to Sokovia, Nigeria, New York, and South Korea. Let’s not forget the individual fuck ups in London and Washington. There is no sense of accountability, and that’s what they want.”
“But we do what we do for the people, what accountability do they expect?”

Tony really didn’t have the mental space to talk about this. It was clear as day, really, but Steve seemed pretty reluctant to even consider that his way wasn’t the only one. There was hope in Tony that things would get better, but this didn’t feel like it was going anywhere.

“I don’t know Steve, how about for the collateral damage? I’m guessing you know I’m not exactly talking about infrastructural damage.”
“What are they expecting us to do? Just sit and wait for them to decide when it’s convenient for them for an intervention to happen on our part?”
“I guess so, pal. That’s why we’re doing this, trying to sort out this mess, so it doesn’t have to work that way.”
“What if there were guidelines, our own guidelines? Don’t you thi–”
“I swear to god, Steve, if you’re going to repeat what Wilson said on Sunday, I will walk out of here right now and leave you to deal with this crap on your own.”
“What I mean is, what if there was a very thorough guideline that stated the specific situations in which we are allowed to intervene?”
“Would you be okay with that, Cap? Doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you’d be into.”
“That’s the thing, Tony, we’d be in charge of it, so we’d have the hands on the wheel.”

It wasn’t unreasonable, he’d give that to Steve. But he didn’t understand how these things go. It wasn’t as easily as saying that they’d do what they wanted and just put it on a piece of paper, hoping that the government would agree.

“You do know that they revise everything before it goes into action, right? Did you learn that before or after being a lab experiment?”
“By all means, tell me what’s your plan.”
“We’d have to talk to Rhodey, he knows everything we would need and the processes and all that bullcrap. As for its content, let’s leave it to this: we’ll meet up every Thursday to discuss possible scenarios and run them through Rhodes, how does that sound?”
“Good enough for me.”
“You gotta work with me here, Steve. You don’t have a clue about how much is on the line here, especially for you and Barnes."

Even though there was a part of Tony that still sought revenge for his parents’ death on Bucky’s hands, he knew that the international community was asking for his arrest, blaming him for a hell lot of crimes. It wasn’t a lie that Steve and Bucky were the ones who had the most to lose. Everyone else’s deals were more lenient and adjustable, but theirs weren’t.

“Let’s let them all know tonight. Are we on for dinner with everyone?”
“Yeah, I don’t know if that’s going to happen.”
“How come?”
“There’s some stuff I have to deal with, but tomorrow, definitely.”

That stuff was Peter. He didn’t want to have everyone asking about him and his whereabouts. Tony knew that most of the team was already warming up to him, so he knew that Peter would be missed at dinner. He assumed Peter wouldn’t get out of his room today, so he decided to make excuses for both of them, hoping that the next day would be better.
____________________

Two hours later, at around 5:45pm, Tony was on the main living room, searching for some books he’d lent to New York’s Public Library. They were doing some special collection about historically known New York authors and their works, and Tony had a bunch of them laying around. He had first editions of Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick, Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence, and James Baldwin’s Go Tell it on the Mountain, and Tony knew the library would appreciate them for their exhibition.

There was still no word from Peter, but Tony decided that he should leave him alone for the rest of the day. It was obvious that he wasn’t getting out, and he didn’t want to push Peter, so he gave him his space to deal with whatever was going on. Tomorrow would be a new beginning and maybe he could sort things out with him.

“Hey Stark, I need to talk to you.”

Sam’s voice startled Tony, he really wasn’t expecting any of them to show up at the main building. Usually, when tensions were high, each team stayed at their own building, so the common one wasn’t really used at all in times like these.

“Jesus Christ, Wilson, care to give a heads up the next time?”
“What’s up with Peter?”
“Where’s this question coming from? Are you still going on about what you thought you saw last week?”

If his mind didn’t know better, he would find it endearing that the team was worried about him and noticing when there was something off with Peter. But his better judgement told Tony that it was better to keep his distance. There was still a long way to go for them to actually trust each other, so Tony wouldn’t think of Peter as someone he’d trust them with at the moment, if ever.

“None of that, although I still think something’s up.”

Tony rolled his eyes and continued looking for the books. He had already made sure that Peter was properly eating, so he wasn’t at all stressed about that.

“He didn’t show up for his daily jog today. He hadn’t missed a single day since he arrived. We haven’t seen him. Is everything good?”
“I wonder if you have a thing for jogging, because you seemingly make a big deal out of it, whether it happens a lot or none at all.”
“I’m just saying, it’s not normal.”
“Any suggestions or comments?”
“You tell me. He seemed off yesterday morning when we met for our daily jog.”
“Already cleared that one up. Anything else?”

Tony was feeling guilty about it now. What if he was at fault for Peter’s current situation? Was he too distant and drove him away? That couldn’t be it. When Happy and Peter came back from the city, everything seemed to be perfectly normal, so it must’ve been some time later.

“Just wanted to ask, it’s all. Did he go out last night or something? I heard something was up at around 11pm.”
“Did you see anything or are you just telling me this to say there needs to be a landscape rearranging, so a couple of trees and wind don’t scare you.”
“Knock it off. So, he didn’t?”
“Didn’t what?”
“Go out last night.”
“Oh yeah, I don’t think so.”
“Maybe he did, and he was too lazy this morning. Anyway, I’ll leave it up to you.”
“As you should.”

And with that, Sam turned around and made his way up to the gym. He could hear Bucky entering the building and he assumed that he’d meet up with Sam to train for a while. Tony was thankful that the man took the elevator up to the gym, whenever they held discussions about the Accords, he couldn’t help but remember Siberia and what had happened back in 1991 with his parents. The smartest thing to do was to stay away from him until they all got together and discussed the agreement that had been reached with Steve earlier in the day.
____________________

Tony was now in his floor after having had dinner. He ate a simple spinach frittata with some chips, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk with Bruce, so he excused himself earlier. Sam’s words were replaying in his head, and Tony couldn’t shake them off. Even if he had told him that Peter hadn’t gone out the night before, Tony knew that he did, and he never once stopped and asked himself if something had happened to him.

Tony assumed nothing happened, Peter arrived at the hour they had agreed to, and he could see that he was okay when he arrived, FRIDAY had told him as such. But what if she had missed something? Tony’s mind was now clouded by all sorts of worst-case scenarios which starred Peter getting awfully injured and being unable to move.

“FRIDAY, scan Peter for injuries.”
“Right away, boss.”

What was probably just a fraction of a second seemed to last an hour in Tony’s mind. The slight possibility that Peter had gotten hurt while out on patrol scared the shit out of him, and waiting to know was excruciating to him.

“Peter’s heart rate is lower than normal, but steady. His pulmonary capacity is optimal. There are no broken bones or lacerated organs. There are, however, lacerations on his left arm.”
“So, no clue as to why he won’t get out of bed?”
“My guess would be a depressive episode, sir.”

Tony felt like air had left his lungs for a couple of seconds. When FRIDAY was telling him about Peter’s physical condition, he was obviously concerned, but he chose to believe that the downsides of her report were because of patrol, and maybe he had gotten slightly hurt, swinging by a tree or something. He so desperately wanted to believe that, but when he heard her say that Peter could be going through a depressive episode, his mind shifted completely.

If it was the case, he would have the official confirmation that he was failing as his current guardian, missing the signs. Tony did find it odd, though. There were never any signs before today, so something must’ve happened during patrol. Tony was done speculating, if he continued, he’d surely lose his mind, so he decidedly went downstairs and into Peter’s room.

“Okay, kid, snap out of it, what’s going on?”

He immediately sensed how the kid tensed up, and he saw his hands shaking. Part of him wanted Peter to snap at him, to show any emotion at all, but that was also the thing he feared the most. Tony didn’t know how to deal with emotions.

“I’m not getting out of this room until you get it together and figure things out.”

Tony felt it building up, and he knew what was going to happen, but he never once expected to hear what the kid said.

“I KILLED HER”

Notes:

Hope you guys enjoy this chapter, let me know your thoughts and suggestions.

I wish all of you a great weekend and an amazing new week!

Chapter 9: please just say the word

Summary:

TW/ Eating disorder thoughts

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The words fell out of his mouth without him even realizing. His body and his mind had been in complete denial during the entire day, and Peter thought it would continue being that way indefinitely, but evidently, it became too much, and he exploded. Again, there were no thoughts this time, just tears flowing down his cheeks while he curled up to make himself as small as he could; maybe he could disappear. The tears wouldn’t stop falling, each of them almost being a representation of the hatred he felt for himself, and the anger inside of him.

Vaguely, through his tears, he heard Tony’s words ‘FRIDAY, soundproof this room’ while the simultaneous sound of the door closing ran through his ears. God, he was so grateful for Tony and how he was giving him the privacy to cry his guts out. Peter didn’t know how much time went by since he screamed at Tony and confessed his crime, but he could feel how his lungs were growing tired and his nose begged for air, so his desperate cries slowly turned to silent sniffles.

He tried to straighten up his posture, but he saw Tony sat in the loveseat, looking directly at him. Instinctively, Peter pulled the covers up to hide his face, but then he realized that he couldn’t really stoop much lower than that and gave up, bracing for the talk.

“You want to tell me what’s this all about, bud?”

Peter had never heard Tony speak so delicately, it almost felt like he was trying to pick the right words, and it was comforting for Peter to know he was trying to help him.

“What happened, Pete? What do you mean you killed her?”
“I just, I just can’t, I can’t deal with this, I can’t do this.”

He was already dried out and he felt like he needed to cry all over again but there was no water in him, so his body resorted to choked sobs and hiccups. Tony didn’t say a word, instead, he got up and left the room, leaving Peter alone to process his thoughts.

It was clear to him that he would have to gather up the strength to tell Tony what had happened, Peter knew that he couldn’t deal with this on his own, and that keeping it quiet would do no good. He also knew that he wanted Tony’s help to make things right, to find out a way to make it up to Sophie’s family but on his own, he couldn’t.

Time was a concept that Peter could no longer grasp, and he didn’t know how long Tony was gone, but he saw the man enter the room with two bottles of water, a straw and two aspirins.

“Take this.”

Tony’s expression was still soft and gentle, but his voice was firm, so Peter complied and silently began drinking the water with the straw, after swallowing the aspirins with struggle. His throat was facing a very difficult situation. For one, it was ridiculously grateful for receiving the much-needed liquid, but for the other, as it had been way too long since it had last received it, it was acting up. There weren’t many words to describe how that felt, but it was definitely something related to pain.

“Kid, you have to work with me, what happened?”
“It was on patrol, I fucked up. There was this woman, and I failed her, I couldn’t help her, it was my fault, I wasn’t strong enough, I wasn’t fast enough, I wasn’t enough.”

When he finally voiced out loud his feelings, something inside he was freed, and he felt like he could breathe again, and like he could talk about it without crying.

“What do you mean you failed her?”
“She’s dead because of me.”
“You know what, Pete? Let’s talk about this tomorrow, it’s late and you need to take a breather, okay?”

Peter saw the man standing up and taking the water bottle from his hands and putting it in bedside table. In all honesty, he was feeling like a baby, but Peter didn't really care, he could only feel pain and shame.

“This room stinks, get in the shower. You’re sleeping upstairs, there’s a spare bedroom next to ours; I’ll have someone disinfect this place tomorrow.”

If Peter had any energy left inside him, he would’ve probably fought the man and refuse his offer. But his brain was just exhausted, and it was actively ignoring the embarrassment that came with the fact that he felt like a scared little kid who needed to sleep with his dad.

Objectively, Peter knew how weak his body was. There were virtually no nutrients or energy in his body, and his muscles were definitely unable to work. But, for some reason, he was hoping that getting out of bed wouldn’t be a challenge. As soon as he moved, his legs failed him, and he felt his entire body weight hit the ground and a strong set of hands holding him by his shoulders as he fell.

“What the hell, Peter? Do we need to call Cho or something?”

Tony’s eyes had concern written all over them, and Peter wished that he could disappear, this was ridiculously embarrassing for him. Before Sophie’s death, Peter’s weakness was embarrassing enough, but this was him at his most vulnerable, and he hated that Tony was the one to see him like that.

“No, no, I’m fine, I’m sorry, I’ll be right out.”

Peter managed to collect whatever dignity he had left and got into the shower. The water was refreshing, and it felt like it was massaging his back, but it didn’t wash away his guilt. He could still hear Sophie and he could still feel the weight of her death in his shoulders. Peter didn’t really know how much time went by, but he knew it had been long enough, so he got out of the shower and changed into his long-sleeved, long-pants pajamas, and went out of the bathroom to be met by a seemingly tired Tony.

“Let’s go, kid.”

Tony guided a very numb Peter out of his room and led him to the elevator, going directly to the top floor. Peter knew that he’d never been up there, and, under different circumstances, he would be focused enough to register the unknown surroundings. All he saw were a couple of doors, the one on the left through which they went.

“I’ll be right next door, Pete. Let me know if you need anything.”

And with that, Tony left Peter in the room. He got into the bed, and it was just as comfortable as the one that was downstairs in his bedroom. Peter looked up to the roof and tried to collect his thoughts. He wanted to fall asleep, he really did, but he knew he couldn’t do that until he knew what Tony was thinking about the whole deal. Tony hadn’t really responded to what he had said earlier. What if he hated him for what he did and didn’t want to tell Peter? With a lot of struggles, Peter managed to make sense of what Tony was saying in the room next-door. His enhanced hearing was all too weak, but it was still there.

“Hey FRI, backlog Karen, I want to know everything that happened Monday night.”
“Right away, sir.”
“Peter arrived in Queens at exactly 5:17pm. At 5:22pm he helped an elderly cross the street. At 5:35pm he guided tourists to the 67 Avenue Subway Station. At 5:47pm–”
“That’s not what I’m looking for. Dig deeper, what happened that night, what’s different?”
“At 10:10pm Karen intercepted an attempted robbery at the 139th street, with 72nd road. Two men were holding a woman at gunpoint. Peter arrived at the scene at 10:12pm. Shots were fired at 10:13pm. Peter tried to get between the woman and the men but wasn’t successful. The criminals ran away. At 10:14pm Karen called 911 and an ambulance was called. It arrived at 10:15pm, when Peter left the scene and started swinging towards the Compound. At 10:50pm Karen notified Peter that the woman was in critical condition, and at 11:16pm the woman was pronounced dead at the North Shore University Hospital.”
“Huh. FRI, get me everything you can about the woman and the men that got away.”
“Right away.”

Peter didn’t even realize it, but a few tears escaped his eyes as he tugged the blanket closer to his neck. He desperately needed a hug, and he wished he could tell Tony that, but he knew he couldn’t. Sleep engulfed him, and for a single second, he felt like he could breathe again.
____________________

When he woke up, Peter didn’t recognize where he was. He was finally used to seeing the all too expensive TV when he opened his eyes, and he was now familiar with his room, but this one wasn’t it. He was in a smaller room. The bed faced the door to the bedroom, and it had cream-colored duvets. On the left side of the bed was a dark-brown dresser with 5 long drawers.

Hanged above it was a big mirror and some pictures of different landmarks like the Taj Mahal or the Giza Pyramid Complex. On the right side of the bed was a door which Peter assumed led to the bathroom. Other than that, the room was decorated with a plant in the corner and hanging lamps on both sides of the bed, over the bedside tables.

Slowly but surely, Peter’s memory started to freshen up, and he began remembering what had happened. He first remembered the feelings. He could remember grief and pain, then straight up numbness and then a mix of panic and relief. With those memories came the images of what caused them. He was immediately sad and embarrassed, recalling last night’s events and how Tony now knew what had happened.

Trying to take his mind off his feelings, he scanned the room to find something that could distract him, and he saw some of his clothes neatly folded on top of the chair in the corner, which was in front of the plant. He understood the message and got in the shower, actively trying to ignore what his mind was screaming at him. He took the time to plan his reactions. Now that his mind was aware of the situation and somewhat clear, he had to prepare for Tony’s questions. His instincts reminded him of what he had done to himself on Monday night.

Thankfully the scars were long gone, and he had never been as grateful to the spider that bit him as he now was. That would be a terribly uncomfortable conversation to have. On the other hand, Tony now knew entirely what had happened when he was on patrol. There was no way he could lie about it, so Peter decided that he was going to be sincere with the man about the events of that night, before he arrived at the Compound. He hoped that Tony would have a solution, some sort of lifeline to hold onto.

“Peter, Mr. Stark awaits you in the kitchen.”

FRIDAY’s voice startled Peter, it wasn't necessarily new, but the day before was so quiet, every bit of sound was disturbing. He quickly got dressed and out of the bathroom, and tried to gather every bit of strength he had in him to go downstairs to talk to Tony.
____________________

“Good morning, Pete, how did you sleep?”
“Hi.”
“Don’t worry about it, kid, no one else is in the building and FRIDAY soundproofed it, we can talk about it now, don’t you think?”
“I guess you already know what happened?”
“FRIDAY briefed me about it, yes. Do you have anything to say?”
“I didn’t mean to kill her, I just wasn’t enough, I couldn’t save her, and she would be here if it wasn’t for my weakness, I am so so sorry, please don’t hate me, Mr. Stark, I swear it wasn’t my intention, I’m so s–”
“Peter, stop.”

He could already feel the tears welling up in his eyes, and he knew that he couldn’t cry again, he wasn’t a defenseless child and he needed to be strong. After all, he was supposed to be Spider-Man, and this just wasn't it.

“I need you to understand that this wasn’t your fault.”
“But, Mr. Stark, I could’ve saved her, I wasn’t fast enough.”
“Look, kid. We can’t save everyone, there are things that aren’t in our control. You did the best you could, but these things can happen, and it doesn’t mean that it’s on you.”
“But I’m supposed to be better, remember? If I was given these abilities, I’m supposed to be better, I’m supposed to be enough.”
“Do you really think that Steve hasn’t ever fucked up? What about Thor? Wanda? Hell, everyone has screwed up. Pete, we do what we can, and sometimes that’s just not enough, but that’s not on us, some things we just can’t control.”

During most of his life Peter had looked up to the Avengers as picture perfect people who never made any mistakes. He hadn't really stopped to think about that they were just human, and they had surely screwed up. It was oddly comforting, but that didn't mean he hadn't failed. Tony’s tone was as soft as Peter had ever heard, and it was surreally reassuring to him, there were little times when he had heard anything of the sorts coming out of Tony's mouth.

“But, Mr. Stark, I couldn’t save her, I should’ve been able to save her, but I couldn’t.”
“Have I ever told you why I agreed with the initial Sokovia Accords?”

He hadn’t, and this was news to Peter. He always thought Tony was trying to keep the team together, but he didn’t know there was something else. But then again, Peter knew that, contrary to what most people thought of him, Tony felt everything deeply, and he didn't really expect to hear it from him.

“There was this kid, his name was Charles Spencer, and he was brilliant. He had a computer engineering degree, even got a 3.6 GPA. Before he began working, he did some volunteering program in Sokovia. He died when the whole Ultron thing happened.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that, Mr. Stark, I didn’t know that.”
“See, kid, that’s the thing. We screwed up and yes, it sucks, but there’s nothing we can do about it other than be better, that’s why the Accords are happening.”
“Do you know who she was?”

Peter almost didn’t want to know the answer. Part of him thought he asked to continue his process, accept what had happened and learn from it. But the other really just wanted to know so he could have more information to fill himself with even more hatred, or maybe there was a part of him that wanted to know what happened and how he could atone for his sins.

“Her name is Sophie Miller. She was 23 and a senior at NYU, she was working on her bachelor’s dissertation for Educational Leadership. She lived a couple of blocks from her folks in Brooklyn, had an older brother and a younger sister.”
“Do you know what she was doing in Queens?”
“FRIDAY found out her family had financial difficulties; she had a job at Main Street Cinemas.”
“Oh, god.”

There was now no way that Peter could stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks, so he just allowed them to freely run their way. Tony simply sat on his side and held a strong grip on his shoulder, trying to provide some sort of comfort. Peter was now more aware of himself, and he knew that at least 10 minutes went by, and he cried all of them. He was still crying but he was starting to calm down, and he was extremely thankful for Tony and how comforting his mere presence was to him.

“I hear you, Pete. C’mon, I have an idea, but you need to breathe steady again to hear it.”
“I’m okay, I’m sorry.”

It was right then and there where he vowed to be better, and to make it up to her family, honoring her memory. He vowed to be more present in patrol, always aware of his surroundings and the bad guys’ weapons. But most importantly, Peter vowed to train more; knowing that he would have to increase his daily intake. After all, it was food which gave him the energy to move faster, and to maximize the use of his powers, so he had to eat more, regardless of how much he didn’t want to.

“Just so you know, the criminals have been caught. Your suit recorded everything, and the police captured them early this morning.”

Peter knew it had been Tony who sent the police the footage so they could identify the men. Peter wondered how he’d submitted that without giving away that Spider-Man was the one who was at the scene, but he was grateful for it, knowing that the criminals didn’t get away with it gave him some peace of mind.

“If you’re okay with it, we can offer to pay for the funeral and additional fees, it’ll give you some comfort, maybe? I don’t know, Pete, what do you think?”
“I’d like that. Do you think they’ll forgive me?”
“They don’t blame you, Peter. I’m sure they’ll be glad to know that, thanks to you, the criminals are behind bars.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

Peter couldn’t really express in any other way how grateful he was. He felt like hugging the man would be too much and that Tony wouldn’t like that, so he could only say it through words. He hoped that paying for her funeral would ease things up for her family, and he wanted to ask Tony if it was possible to help her family out, at least financially, but he didn’t know how to. What if he thought he was asking too much money from him? Granted, he was a billionaire, but Peter really didn’t think the man wanted to be bothered by that.

“You’re doing it again, kid, just spit it out.”
“Sophie died because she had to work to financially help her family and I don’t know, I guess I just thought it would be nice if we could help out? I don’t know how that would work out, but I just think that she’s dead and now her family has to deal with her grief but also keep up with expenses, but it’s okay, it was a dumb idea, I’m sorry I even suggested that, I’m sorry, just forget about it, I don’t know why I–”
“I think it’s a great idea, Pete. I’ll sort out the specifics, don’t worry about it.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark, I really appreciate it.”

The all too well-known comfortable silence filled the room, and it was when Peter realized the plate that sat in front of him. There were two eggs and a lonesome toast. If he was going to be better, he needed to start as soon as possible, so he started eating. It felt bizarre, to say the least. It had been a long time since he last ate a proper breakfast, and his stomach was thankful for it.

Nevertheless, his mind kept screaming at him to stop, it didn’t want to comply to his common sense. Every bite was a struggle, but Peter was determined to be better, he had to keep going, for Sophie. About twenty minutes passed and he was done eating, and he could see that Tony was about to start speaking again, but Peter, uncharacteristically began speaking first.

“Mr. Stark, do you think it could be possible to develop one of those hologram thingies for me to train in the official business? It’s alright if it’s not okay with you, I just wish I could be prepared next time – you know, next time something like what happened on Monday happens again.”
“That sounds good, Pete, we can work on that later.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”
“So, kid, I’ve got to say it, I’m concerned about you.”

Peter immediately felt panic coming up his throat, and he was scared of Tony’s next words. Whatever they were, they couldn’t be good. He was scared that maybe Tony had picked up on some of his habits and was just now telling him about it.

“Last night, after, you know, the whole thing, I noticed you’ve gotten particularly skinny, don’t you think? What’s that about?”
“You’re already doing so much for me, Mr. Stark, I don’t want to abuse your kindness, it’s too much.”
“That’s nonsense, Peter. Out of everyone in this place, I’m most grateful to have you here. Those pokey bones weren’t just out these past two weeks, what’s going on?”
“Well, you know, uncle Ben died, and it was hard for May, and I didn’t want to be too much of a burden to her so I started eating less at home and just ate at school. After the bite, you know, my metabolism was running like crazy, but I couldn’t ask more of her, so I just kept eating more at school, I was scared she would get too concerned and add more stress to her life.”

In all honesty, he wasn’t lying. It all began when Ben died, and he really wanted to ease things for May. If there were more reasons, Tony didn’t need to know that.

“You know you’re wrong, right? You know that. That’s bullshit, Peter. May would never think of you as a burden, you hear me? That’s crap, Peter. She’d do anything for you.”
“I know, I just think that it was easier for her.”
“Know this, Pete, you can have anything you want and need, okay? But you need to eat, otherwise you’re just going to break apart here and that will not happen on my watch, got that?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I’m sorry.”
____________________

After that emotional rollercoaster of a morning, they both spent the day in Tony’s lab. They had food delivered, as neither one of them wanted to deal with the team. It was just the two of them all day long, and Peter was grateful. He didn’t really know how he’d act when he was with everyone else. They spent most of the day working on his suit, trying to find ways to make it faster and make the sensory circuits better.

They also were preparing the scenarios with which Peter would train at the hologram room. Tony had agreed to close the floor for him when he wanted to train, as to not be seen. They agreed on this training to be three times a week starting in a couple of weeks, as Tony had to make some adjustments to the room first. Tony would make sure that no one would get past the shooting range when Peter was there; the man really thought of everything when it came to him and Peter felt, for a brief moment, loved. Peter could see that Tony, too, wanted to avoid future incidents of the likes of this one. It was nice, after the shitshow that the week had been so far, to have this time and space to regain his strength and rebuild himself.

There were many things he was thinking about. For one, he was terribly scared of food and gaining weight. Peter didn’t want to gain weight and he so desperately wanted to find a way to enhance his already powerful senses without actually having to eat more. For now, he decided that he would start thoroughly counting his calories. Since he first started to control what he ate, his daily average was probably around the 700s, and, even with his powers, it was now taking a toll on his body. There was that sort of fur growing out of his body, and it was gross.

One thing he couldn't lie about was that he was always tired, but he convinced himself that it was because he was too much of a slob, so he just ignored it and kept pushing on. One simple truth was that he could lie to everyone about this, but not to himself. As of recently he been getting dizzier than he had ever before. It wasn’t a good sign, but he ignored it and kept pushing on, pushing himself to be better.

Now he had to eat more, and it terrified him. There was really no way for him to know how many calories he burned every day with the bite, but Peter guessed it couldn’t be that much more than the regular human, right? He didn’t want to know, anyway. If he knew the real number, he’d have to face the fact that he now knew how many calories he needed, and he didn’t want that.

In his mind, Peter decided to try out his plan by doubling his intake. With an average of 700 he still had some of his enhancements, so doubling that intake would probably double his performance, or so he assumed. There was really no other way to test his theory other than trial and error. He also vowed to train more. The realization that he had to be strong and fast, and he had to be better was overwhelming, so he vowed to jog for 2 hours, and work out two hours at the gym. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, allow anything like what happened to Sophie to ever happen again, so being prepared for anything was the only way.

“So, Pete, there’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

Tony’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. It was now 4pm, which meant that they’d spent roughly 6 hours already in the lab, but it truly had felt like a couple of minutes, it was amazing how comfortable he felt around Tony.

“Yes?”
“Yesterday Sam asked about you and your whereabouts.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, everyone’s your fan now, they were concerned about you, expect a bunch of questions next time you see them. The thing is, Wilson saw you coming into the Compound on Monday.”
What?
“Well, technically he didn’t. He said he heard something outside at 11pm, and I doubt he believes it was nothing.”
“Do you think they know, Mr. Stark?”
“I don’t know, kid, but I don’t think it’s long now until they figure it out. Have you given any thought about telling them about your spider-man-ing?”
“Not really, I don’t know what I’d say, if I’m honest. I don’t think it’s possible to casually tell someone that a spider bit you and now you can crawl up walls.”
“That’s one way to put it. We’ll figure something out when you’re ready.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

Once again, that comfortable silence filled the room, and Peter got back into his brain while messing around with the web-shooters. There was now a plan for how much he’d be eating and how much he’d train and strengthen his body. What followed was to make plan how he’d track his intake. He vaguely remembered how Clint said that he should cook more often. It wasn’t that bad of an idea; he could control the meals if he made them himself, while still contributing to the team.

But the reality was that he didn’t know how he’d do that, though. There wasn’t really a way for him to just tell everyone that he wanted to cook dinner from now on, so he had to be careful about it. Maybe he could coincidentally drop by at 5:30pm the days when he didn’t patrol at night to see who would be cooking and how he could help. He could see what they used for the meal, and what he could do to lower the total number.

Patrol was something else he decided to change. It was obvious to Peter that crime was at its peak at night, but he also knew that he didn’t yet understand how his body would adjust to the changes he’d be making, so he decided, for the next week, to patrol during the day for the first three days, and during the night the other three days.

For now, it was probable best to avoid going on patrol on Saturdays. That was the day when the whole team got together, and he’d never admit it, but he was growing to like those moments, and he thought they were the greatest cover up for his efforts; Tony would appreciate him getting more involved with the team. He hoped time would tell how much those changes would help him be a better Spider-Man, but he really hoped it wouldn’t be too much time. With his game plan now clear, Peter remembered something that always made his curiosity jump out.

“Mr. Stark, can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead, kid.”
“What’s going to happen with the Accords?”
“Cap and I talked it through yesterday, we reached an agreement and made a deal. We’re supposed to talk about it today, but they can wait, god knows I waited way too damn long for them to show up and be serious about it.”
“What kind of deal? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“We’ll meet up every Thursday, plan out some situations in which we’d have control over where to intervene and boring crap like that.”
“Oh. You were supposed to talk to them today? Why didn’t you?”
“I’m spending time with you today, Pete, they can wait.”
“God no, Mr. Stark, I’m so sorry, it’s okay, you should go talk to them, I’m so sorry for taking up your time, you have way more important things to deal with right now, I’m so sorry.”
“Hey, kid, hear me out on this: right now, everyone else can suck it, you’re most important right now.”

If Peter was blushing, he hoped Tony didn’t notice. It was nice to hear that he was important to Tony, and that he was a priority in his life. It definitely reassured him, but Peter still thought he wasn’t really that important.

“If you so desperately want us to have that chat, we can go have dinner there, if that’s cool with you.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had that today.”
“Don’t sweat it, kid.”
____________________

At exactly 6:45pm Tony and Peter entered the common building and met the rest of the team in the kitchen. They were all there and were chatting among one another. It was like any other day, and Peter wondered if they had already talked it through, or if they were trying to ignore the very uncomfortable matter.

“Good evening, everyone, hope you didn’t miss us too much.”
“Hey, Peter! How are you?”

Wanda was the first to direct words at him and, for a second, Peter panicked. He thought she’d smother him with questions about what had happened yesterday. There was certainly some sort of trusting feeling towards her, but Peter wasn't sure he'd ever want her to know about his struggles.

“Hi, I’m good, you?”

To the conversation came Clint, Bruce and Sam. They were all acting as if nothing had happened, and that made Peter relax as he’d ever had before. They were very kind, and didn’t ask anything, acting as casual as ever, talking about whatever show they were watching and how ridiculous it was that Clint had perfect aiming.

After about half an hour, everyone sat in their usual seats and Peter took the one on Tony’s right. Steve served dinner and it looked truly delicious. It was chicken parmigiana with mashed potatoes. He served himself a small chicken breast and a spoonful of potatoes. He was calculating the numbers in his mind, but his thoughts were cut short when Tony began speaking.

“I hate to interrupt this lovely dinner prepared by the one and only Captain America. But we all know the elephant in the room is way too big and needs to be discussed. Steve?”
“Tony and I talked, and we may have a solution, we wanted to run in through you first, hear your thoughts.”
“And remind you that we don’t have much time before the United Nations comes here and forces our hands.”

Tony’s tone might’ve been a joking one, but his message was serious, Peter could see that. He knew that the man deeply cared about the team, and he knew that he was making the most efforts to keep everyone safe from the governments who sought their arrests. Peter hoped that both Bucky and Steve could now see how much was at stake and maybe be more lenient.

“As I was saying before Tony chipped in, we thought that we could propose to the Accords committee a guideline which would thoroughly describe the situations in which we are free to intervene. Those would be redacted by us and agreed upon by the United Nations. What do you guys think?”

For a moment, the table was silent, and everyone seemed deep in thought. Tony and Steve both had an expectant look on his eyes, and it was evident that they wanted their plan to work out. Peter simply watched and focused on not paying attention to the voices in his head, because they were starting to scream at him not to eat anything and run away instead.

“I’m on board, whatever Cap says, I’m game.”
“I agree with Sam, me too.”

Bucky’s voice, too, came as no surprise. He was also loyal to Steve; they trusted Steve's judgement and blindly followed his lead. Agreeing to Tony’s terms made it easier for him to live in the Compound, and he was happy to comply if it made it possible for them to get this over with and continue with his life, leaving his Winter Soldier days behind him.

“Rhodey?”

It also came as no surprise to Peter how Tony sought Rhodey’s approval. After all, he was Tony’s best friend, but he had also been a victim of the whole conflict. Additionally, no one knew better than him how these things worked, so if this was ever going to be a successful plan, it needed Rhodey’s seal of approval.

“How are you planning to achieve this?”
“Regular meetings, a whole lot of research and whatever positive attitude we can muster. You in?”
“I don’t know, Tony, I don’t know how this will play out in front of every government on this planet. What’s your plan for when they attack the document? They always find a way to disregard it.”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, Rhodey. This is just step one, we can take it from there and see how it plays out.”
“Cmon Rhodey, this is good. Steve is right, this is just the first step. If we don’t do this now, they’ll come barging in the front door to take everyone here and lock them in a particularly unpleasant prison. It’s way better for us to take the first step than them forcing out hand.”

Peter was not expecting those words to come out of Tony’s mouth. If he wasn’t mistaken, that was the exact same argument that Steve’s team had the first time around, so Peter wondered what made him change his mind.

“I’m trusting your gut, Tony.”

After Rhodey agreed, everyone started discussing how the plan would work out and everyone seemed happy about the outcome. Nevertheless, Peter could feel Natasha’s eyes glued to his own, and Peter couldn’t help but wonder why. She had all but said two words during the entirety of the evening, both of them agreeing with the plan. Granted, she was one of the, if not the, top spy, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Peter to see how intimidating her gaze was, but it was still scary to him, so he chose to ignore it and continue eating, eventually chatting with Bruce.

The night came to an end and Peter was pretty happy with how the day had ended. He hadn’t yet forgiven himself for Sophie’s death, but he had begun to understand that maybe it wasn’t his fault, and maybe he could make it right. With that in mind, Peter went to his now cleaned up room and fell asleep instantly, his eyes too tired to keep him awake.
____________________

Back to his daily routine, Peter woke up at 4am to jog, and, as per usual, Sam joined him at 6am. It was nice to have this moment again. He had grown close to Sam, and he enjoyed the time he spent with the man. It was relaxing to talk to someone who didn’t know who he was and didn’t expect anything from him.

“What’s up, Peter, how you doing?”
“Hey, Sam, I’m okay, how about you?”
“Not gonna lie, kid, I missed you the past couple of days. You slept in or something? Getting lazy?”

Peter wouldn’t admit it, but he took those words to heart, and it pained him to see that someone thought he was weak and couldn’t get over something most adults could. Especially now that he was trying to be better, the least he wanted was to seem weak.

“Nothing like that, I just wasn’t feeling okay.”
“How come? You got sick?”
“No, not like that okay, I just didn’t feel like jogging.”
“That seems rather odd.”
“Well, it’s what happened.”

Peter tried to smile to hide the annoyance in his voice. He felt like Sam was being too pushy, and he didn’t have the patience to deal with it. After all that had gone down, there was little space in Peter's brain to deal with this.

“I don’t buy it. I bet you were out having fun and didn’t want Stark to know about it.”

Peter remained silent. For one, his lack of response was an effort to keep himself from snapping at Sam. Peter could feel his blood boiling, and he really didn’t want to cause any problems with anyone. But on the other hand, the reality was that he hadn’t jogged because he was too busy torturing his mind for having failed at saving a woman not much older than himself.

“No response? Really? You must’ve been real hungover, kid, not even getting out of your room. Not gonna lie, Peter, that’s some next level shit.”
“Back off, Sam, it’s none of your business.”

Upset, Peter left the tracks and went into the left building to have an actual breakfast. He served himself three turkey ham slices, a scrambled egg and a banana, for a grand total of 340 calories. He was actually freaking out, and his chest was tightening. Those were way too many calories, and he had to remind himself that it was for the better, that he was doing this so he could save lives, instead of putting them at risk for not making use of the enhancements he had.

It took him a ridiculously long time to finish having breakfast, but after a whole hour of being sat down at the kitchen island, it was now 8am and Peter headed to the gym in the official building. He knew no one on the team really used it, and he definitely wanted to be away from all of them.

After having snapped at Sam, Peter knew that there wasn’t much he could say to him. He wanted to apologize, but truthfully, Peter really didn’t think he had to. The man didn’t know what had happened and he was just bantering with Peter, but he wasn’t in the mental space to deal with that.
____________________

As he entered the building, Peter forgot the restriction level that he had. He was prepared to announce himself to FRIDAY as Sam had done the first day he arrived at the Compound, but it was always surprising to Peter how the glass doors simply opened. As he went up the stairs, he could see that Rhodey and Steve were on the first floor, near the waiting area on the left corner of the building.

That’s when Peter remembered that last night, they had set up a meeting to discuss their agreement for Thursday at 10am, and that was just a mere two hours away. It was a bit relieving to Peter to know that everyone would be in a conference room and that he would have the freedom to train without everyone asking him why he was doing that.

He expected to find everything past the darkened glass doors on the second floor empty, but much to his surprise, he found Natasha sat on the floor of the shooting range. Everyone was supposed to be all over the place with the Accords thing, and he thought he’d have the space to himself, but he was wrong.

“I didn’t know you came here, Peter.”
“I’m so sorry to bother you, I didn’t know you were here, I’ll leave now.”
“You know, there was something oddly familiar about you, I realized that as soon as Tony introduced you to everyone a couple of weeks ago.”

She had completely ignored his words and kept speaking. Natasha wasn’t necessarily talking directly at him, wasn’t even looking his way, but Peter could sense that she was, indeed, talking to him. It was something slightly horrifying to see.

“I couldn’t quite pinpoint what was it, but on Monday, I did.”
“I don’t really think we’ve met before, it must be a coincidence, why would you know who I am? I’m just a kid from Queens, and I don’t think I’d forget meeting you, right?”
“Except you aren’t just a kid from Queens, am I wrong?”

Natasha looked at Peter with a soft look on her face, but she managed to mix that with an accusing expression, and it was certainly disturbing, but more so that there was little he could say on his behalf.

“I don’t know what you mean, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Peter knew where this was going, and he didn’t know how to handle the situation, so he braced himself and waited.

“My room is on the top floor; I’m guessing you know that. It was interesting to see a small figure climb down the tree it had just webbed a few minutes prior, and just walk into the left building. So, you’re the Spider-Man, right? The one Tony took to Germany?”

All color drained from his face and just stood still, wondering what the hell he could do now.

Notes:

Hi guys! I'm so so so sorry I hadn't uploaded this earlier. I had some family issues and it was just a crazy busy week. I'm graduating university this upcoming Friday, so I've been busy making arrangements and I haven't really had time to sit down and write.

Let me know your thoughts and suggestions! I welcome polite criticism with arms open wide. English isn't my first language and I know some things aren't properly written, so let me know! I really appreciate reading what you guys think and if you're enjoying the story, it's really encouraging.

I hope you are having a great weekend and that you have a great week ahead of you x.

Chapter 10: you've come this far

Summary:

please read notes at the end, there's much to say!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There was absolutely no way Peter could get out of this one. After all, this was Natasha Romanov, and if anyone would see through his lies, it would be her. Peter didn’t really know why, but he had a gut feeling that it would be okay, and that telling her about his secret wasn’t going to blow up in his face. Regardless, there was fear.

Now that she knew about his vigilante persona, there was no going back. He would no longer be Peter Parker, Tony’s intern, and guest in the Compound; he would now be Spider-Man, a teenager wannabe-superhero. He would have to be accountable for his actions to yet another person, and he knew her standards were high. Peter always admired her and her skills.

There was some sort of weird mix of ruthlessness and compassion in her, and it was fascinating how quickly she could adapt and get what she needed; it was unbelievable. So, Peter took the chance and trusted his instincts.

“There’s no use in trying to lie, is it?”
“Not really, it became really obvious when I stopped and thought about it.”
"I figured."
“Tell me, how did this happen?”
“Do you have time?”

Peter’s dry laugh was a clear indicator of how indecisive he was, but there was no going back, so he tried to talk as calmly and normally as he could; hoping that he could sound something like what he did when he told Ned.

“Go ahead.”
“We were on a field trip a couple of years ago, we went to this huge research center, it was amazing, but there was this spider, right? And apparently, they were experimenting on her, so it was sort of radioactive? I’m not really sure. All I know is that it bit me, and the next morning I woke up and I had all this energy and I felt like I could do anything, and like my brain was running a thousand miles per second. It was exhilarating and exciting.”
“So, this whole thing started because of a spider?”
“I guess so, yeah.”
“I thought it would be some mix of what happened with Steve or what Tony did.”
“What? Of course not, I could never live up to their standards, they’re legends.”
“I hadn’t heard of anyone who’d gotten abilities through a bite, don’t get all weird about it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Go on.”
“There’s really not much else to tell, I don’t know.”

For some reason, he began feeling embarrassed, and it was uncomfortable. He didn’t want to bother her with his life story and tragic family history, so he wanted to tread lightly, as to not bore her. Now that she knew about his secret, Peter realized he had to be much more careful about what he said and did, and it was something terrifying to him.

“How did Tony find you? How did you get into the superhero business?”
“I felt obligated to give back to my city, you know? I was given these abilities and I have to protect those who don’t.”

Peter remembered Sophie and a part of him turned his grief back on and was shaking him to his core, but he couldn’t show that right now, he had to put up his hero face. Regardless, the feeling didn't go away, and he tried his best to make it seem like he was okay.

“I guess I was trying to help people? And Mr. Stark saw footage of me swinging in the streets of Queens. You’d have to ask him, really, I’m sure he had much better options than me.”
“I wouldn’t underestimate you, Peter, you are very capable of handling yourself.”

Peter didn’t reply, just blushed and chose to stay silent. He wanted to believe her, he really did, but there was a voice inside him who told him that they were all mocking him when they said he was special, and it was painful to accept.

“Does the Spider-Man thing have anything to do with the reason you’re here?”
“Maybe? After Germany, I kept in touch with him; really it was just a distant thing with Happy. Mr. Stark was very kind, and helped me become a better Spider-Man. After a while, I guess I annoyed him less and he started inviting me to the lab here in the Compound. He’s very close to my aunt May, that’s for sure.”

While talking about it, Peter let out a little laugh. He had never really stopped to think about how his relationship with Tony had evolved. He knew for a fact that they were close, but Peter really didn’t know if the man actually enjoyed his presence or just tolerated him as a professional favor for the whole plane thing.

“Huh. That’s surprising, Tony isn’t one for sentimentality.”
“You’ll have to ask him, it’s a mystery to me why he’s keeping me here.”
“What can you do? What abilities did this bite give you?”
“It’s all been a very trial and error thing. I know for sure I’m stronger and faster than I was before the bite. I guess the powers resemble those of a spider’s abilities. I think I’m more agile and I definitely have more reflexes. It’s kind of amazing, being able to dodge stuff. My senses dialed to eleven, my eyes are all over the place and I really struggle to keep focus if there’s too much light. Uhm, I guess that’s about it? I have this thing; I call it the spider-sense. I know it sounds silly, but I don’t really know how else to call it.”
“What’s that?”
“My brain receives stimuli at a way faster rate than it had ever before, and it’s made it possible for me to anticipate danger of any kind, very useful.”
“It sounds something similar to what Steve and Barnes can do.”
“What? No way, what do you mean?”
“I guess you know by now that they have enhanced strength and speed, right? Their metabolism runs a thousand times faster than the regular human, but I guess you know that.”

Once again, her knowing gaze disturbed Peter. She was incredibly intuitive, and definitely had an underestimated intelligence. He knew that mis metabolism was definitely enhanced, but he wasn’t really sure how enhanced it was. He wondered if it was anything like the super soldiers.

“Maybe? I’m not really sure, I’ve never had the opportunity to really know.”
“Who else knows about it?”
“It’s just Mr. Stark, Ms. Potts, Happy, and now, you.”
“Are you planning on telling anyone else here?”
“I’m not really sure. Do you think I should?”
“I think they’re bound to figure it out, sooner rather than later. They have already met Spider-Man. It won’t take them long to put two and two together, don’t you think? Why don’t you want to tell them?”
“I don’t really know how to, it’s not really an easily discussed topic.”
“What does Tony think?”
“He thinks I should tell them, that it’s better for me to do it on my own terms.”
“Don’t you think he’s right?”
“I’ll talk to him, thank you.”
“No worries.”

She stood up and began making her way to the entrance. Peter realized that it was now 9:45am, and the meeting was about to start, she had to go, and Peter had only one last thing to say.

“Can you please not tell anyone about this?”
“No problem, Peter. Your secret’s safe with me.”

____________________

After Natasha left, Peter had lost all intention to work out. There were many thoughts running through his brain, and he needed time to sort through them. What better time to do that than when everyone was holed up in a room and he had the freedom to be anywhere in the Compound without being bothered?

When he left the official building, he could hear Steve taking charge of the conversation, and he also heard Rhodey voicing his concerns and requisites for it to work. His first thought was to go back to his room and plan his meals and workout schedules, but he chose to walk around the Compound, there were still many places he hadn’t really seen; mostly open spaces, which were surely beautiful.

With that in mind, Peter walked past the tracks and made his way around the garage. There was really not much there he hadn’t already seen. After all, before May left, that’s where he spent most of the time with Tony when he visited the Compound. It was just a bunch of Quinjets, and a couple of labs similar to those in the main living building.

Peter loved it there, but he wanted to explore more. Behind that garage was the lake, and Peter began walking near the water. He would’ve taken his shoes off and walked in the lake, but he feared he could make a mess in the living quarters when he got back, so he chose to walk on the shore.

It was pretty incredible to Peter how much his life had changed in just a couple of months. Not so long ago he was reckless when it came to his vigilante life, and now that he had Stark Tech, he realized how unprepared he was. He couldn’t stop thinking about how he’d used his powers until now, and there was an ever-growing part of him who knew he could do more, protect more people.

Thinking about it, after the events of his fiasco homecoming, he felt like he was being protected himself. Objectively, he knew that Tony had taken him under his wing, regardless of how idiotic that sounded in his mind, and it was nice to have guidance from his lifelong hero.

What happened to Sophie shook him to his core, and he knew it would stay with him forever, but it allowed him to see more clearly. Failing her because he hadn’t been strong and fast enough was indication that he hadn’t been fueling his body enough to work at its maximum capacity. Now that he knew, he had chosen to change, to get better and to help more people. The thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone, and he was constantly terrified, but Sophie was always in his mind, and he had to push back against the voices.

Before Peter realized, he had walked all the way from the garage to the right building, and he was now in front of the official one, walking towards the actual garage. He knew Tony kept most of his cars there, but there were also those which he paid for Avengers’ official use. Most people thought that Tony didn’t care about the team, but it was a lie, and Peter knew that, and couldn’t believe someone would ever doubt it.

Tony paid for everything there, and he made sure they had everything they needed. Peter wasn’t really sure, but his gut told him that most of their extracurricular activities were financed by Tony. Maybe he had a collective fund for them to use whenever they needed? He wasn’t really sure, but he knew most of them didn’t have another form of income, so it must all be Tony.

As soon as he entered, he felt like he was in an Audi shop. Peter didn’t recognize many of them, but there was the very distinguishable orange R8 and, to his surprise, a couple of Q8 models. He wondered if Tony ever used all of them. There was also a part of the building destined to the cars that Happy used. Most of them were black Rolls Royce, and Peter couldn’t even begin to imagine how much each of them were worth, much less all of them combined.

It was slightly overwhelming, especially given the fact of his upbringing and how he lived with May in Queens; but he had started getting used to the opulence. Additionally, there were a bunch of Range Rovers and Jeeps, he guessed they were all bullet proofed and equipped with Stark Tech. Peter didn’t think he’d ever muster up the courage to ask, but he really wanted to learn how to drive, and the thought of learning with these types of cars was exciting.

He wounded up finding some sort of track, and he imagined that Tony used it for his race cars. It was honestly ridiculous, but at the same time mind-blowing. Peter wondered how frequent he used it, and if Tony would ever allow him to race there. It was delusional of him to even think the man would consider that. After all, regardless of how many times Tony had told him otherwise, he was just a temporary burden to him, and he didn’t really want to ask much else from the man; so he quickly erased the thoughts of his head and began making his way back to his room.

It was now 11am and about an hour had gone by of the meeting. Peter wondered how it was going. He really hoped they were getting to an understanding, the environment in the Compound was absolutely horrifying and filled with awkwardness and tension when they argued about the Accords. Even if he would never admit it to himself, Peter had grown to like it there, including Sam’s overbearing existence and Steve’s righteous character. It seemed very cozy and familiar, and he’d longed for that feeling for a very long time.

When Peter arrived to his bedroom, he immediately sat down in his desk and took to his task. He was determined to find the healthiest recipes possible. Maybe when he mustered the courage, he’d ask Tony for help to find out with Helen Cho exactly how his powers worked and what he needed to maximize them. But for now, he settled for guessing and assuming his body worked like everyone else’s.

About 45 minutes went by, and he now had a long list of groceries and recipes he needed to be as healthy as he could. In that list were the so popular fishes like salmon, tuna, and trout; chicken, a bunch of vegetables and some of the healthier options of carbohydrates and sweets. He knew he couldn’t simply cut out the entirety of a food group, it would seem particularly suspicious.

There was also Clint’s suggestion of cooking for everyone; and making lunch and dinner every now and then, starting today, seemed like a perfect clean slate. He also was aware of the fact that everyone liked to have dessert, so he had to plan that, too.

With that in mind, he took out a planner he found in the last drawer of his desk and began meal planning. It was laughable, really. Before today, his plan was to skip as many meals as he possibly could, but now he intended to try and eat all three meals.

Writing down lunch and dinner ideas, making sure to pair them up with their respective sides and desserts, was odd, for lack of a better word. Never once in his life did he think he would ever be doing that for the Avengers.
____________________

“Hey FRIDAY? Do you know how much longer the meeting will be?”

It was now 12:15pm and there was still no sign of the team, so he thought that he could get started with lunch so that it would be ready when they returned. It gave him a fine share of anxiety to not know how much time he would have to prepare everything.

“It will take approximately an hour and a half more. Should I let Mr. Stark know that you asked?”
“No, FRIDAY, thank you. But can you please tell him that I’ll make lunch today?”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

Upon entrance, Peter went immediately to the pantry to take out everything he needed. He had chosen to make honey glazed salmon with sweet potato fries, garden salad and key lime pie for dessert. Ever since he started being obsessed with food, he had become particularly knowledgeable of food groups and recipes. By now he had already learned most of what a bunch of foods contained; so, he felt slightly confident in his cooking.

In his mind, he’d be cooking for 15 people, so there were way too many things to carry, but he was determined, and he was fighting for it not to overpower him. It was also incredibly overwhelming to step into the pantry. Its size was intimidating, and it had shelves upon shelves full of every possible food item anyone could ever imagine.

Peter decided to take three baskets, two for the main course and one for dessert. For the main course he put 15 big salmon filets and 20 sweet potatoes in the basket, followed by kosher salt, black pepper and smoked paprika. There was also butter, olive oil, garlic, honey, soy and sriracha sauce, and lemons. The kitchen had a water filter in the counters, so he could take that from there.

In the second basket he put lettuce, cucumber, carrots, tomatoes, crispy onion flakes, and ranch dressing. The dessert part was easy. He simply but a whole bunch of sweet-condensed milk, cream, and more lemons. Now it was time to actually cook, and it was terrifying, but he embraced it and took to it.

20 minutes in, the key lime pie was already in the fridge. He chose to make individual tiny cups; it was probably better to avoid eating dessert himself. Now that the easy part was done, Peter began cooking the actual lunch. While he seasoned the salmon and preheated the oven’s broiler, he couldn’t help but realize where he was and what had brought him there.

It was, apparently, a day full of reflective moments, and he assumed it could only be because of what happened to Sophie. Before, he never thought he’d ever be in a situation in which he’d be cooking a fairly fancy dinner for 20 people, much less the Avengers. His initial mixed feelings of fear and embarrassment were slowly but surely fading, and every day he grew to be more comfortable in his new environment.

When Peter lived in Queens, he wasn’t really the type of kid who offered to make dinner. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to help May; for one, he spent most days avoiding food; but, for the other, he didn’t want his aunt to think he wanted more than what she could provide.

He was now living a place where everything he wanted was just a mere foot away, and Peter knew that making a salmon lunch for so many people would never make a dent in Tony’s bank account. It was nice, and Peter felt like he was exploring a part of himself that he never really knew existed. As he had spent a lot of time thinking about food, but not really eating it, he never thought he’d enjoy cooking.

Right now, he realized that he did enjoy cooking, especially like this: when he was alone with his thoughts, and his favorite music playing in the background; not having to be worried about what would happen. He didn’t believe it himself, how quickly his attitude towards food changed in a matter of days. He knew it wouldn’t last, and he was just waiting for the bomb to explode, but he was trying so hard to stay in the path to be better and to do everything that he could to save as many people as possible.
____________________

At exactly 1:13pm Peter was done making lunch. He had a hard time frying the sweet potato slices, but he managed to make something decent out of them. It felt like it was planned, but at 1:16pm FRIDAY announced that the meeting was over and that the team was making their way to the main building to meet Peter for lunch. He couldn’t lie, he was nervous to see their reaction, but he tried to be hopeful while he finished setting up the table.

“What’s this nice smell? Did anyone have something delivered?”
“Seriously Clint, do you think we wouldn’t know if someone did?”
“Widow’s right, security is way too high for someone to simply walk in and serve lunch.”

They were chatting among themselves, not really registering Peter’s presence. He was awkwardly standing behind the kitchen island, waiting for them to say something. Clint, Natasha and Rhodey were the first ones to notice the food, and Peter’s anxiety was all the way to the roof.

“Uhm, actually, I kinda made lunch today? I hope you like it.”

Peter’s sheepish voice gave his fears away and he saw everyone’s surprised gaze. If his eyes weren’t failing him, even Natasha seemed surprised. Everyone but Tony, he knew by now that he’d be cooking, and he had a proud look on his face.

“Looks great, kid, what did you make?”
“It’s just honey glazed salmon, sweet potato fries and garden salad. There’s also key lime pie in the fridge.”

Everyone’s look was hilarious, they were obviously shocked at his selection of food, and Peter so desperately hoped that it was the good type of surprise.

“Well, let’s dive in, I’m starving.”

One by one, every member of the team served their own plate, each of them helping themselves to a large portion of salad and fries. Thankfully, there were only 10 of them for lunch, so there were enough salmon filets for Steve and Bucky to serve themselves two portions. Seeing that, Peter decided that he would talk to Steve about his enhancements.

Now that Natasha had told him that he had similar abilities to Steve's, he wanted to know how he dealt with them. The only issue was how. He couldn’t simply go up to Captain America and tell him that he wanted to know everything about his powers without any reason. He had to be casual and nonchalant for him to remain clueless to Peter’s secret identity.

“This is very good, Pete, you gotta take charge of the kitchen more often. These morons have no clue what they’re doing.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark, I’m glad you enjoyed the meal.”

Everyone agreed with Tony and returned to their own conversations with each other. He could hear Wanda talking to Bruce about eastern Europe; and Rhodey, Steve and Bucky discussing the Accords. The other conversation was the one where Sam argued that Natasha couldn’t beat him at chess. Peter would say otherwise.

After 20 minutes, everyone had finished their plates and were making their way to the fridge, were each took at least 3 tarts of dessert. It was comforting to Peter knowing that they enjoyed the way he cooked, it felt like he was contributing to the Compound and, in a way, making his stay worth the while.

At 2pm everyone had already cleared up their places and gone off to their individual activities, Peter didn’t really know exactly what those were. He only knew that Steve went to the right building’s living room to watch the news. Peter paid special attention to where Steve was going to go, he wanted to ask him about his enhancements after lunch, so he needed to know where he was going to be.

“Where did you learn to cook like that? God knows it wasn’t your aunt who taught you that, her date loaves weren’t really that good.”
“Hey, at least she tries, don’t shame her cooking.”

His joking tone with Tony was starting to become more of a regular thing and it was nice knowing Tony wasn’t offended by it. He couldn’t exactly tell the man that he’d been obsessed with food for a couple of years, and that he wanted to be in control of everything he consumed, so he had to come up with a quick lie.

“Well, you know that she wasn’t really around much to cook, so I tried to learn some recipes so that when she came home for dinner, she’d have it served already, you know? Just trying to be useful.”
“You’re gonna have to do more of it, kid. Keep it up and you’ll earn the official chef of the team title.”
“Mr. Stark, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about, something about, you know, me.”

He really tried to sound as chill as he could, he didn’t really know who was around to hear. Steve, Sam and Bucky were in the right building. Wanda had gone outside with Clint to the bench in front of the lake, and Rhodey and Bruce were in Bruce’s lab to oversee some research. So that left Natasha, who was loading the dishwasher, Tony and himself in the main building.

“You sure you don’t want to go somewhere more private, kid?”
“Yeah, about that.”
“You’re not saying.”
“She knows.”
“How the hell did she–”

Tony was interrupted by no other than Natasha herself. It was like she knew they were talking about her and simply made her way to them and joined the conversation.

“It wasn’t really that hard, Tony. It’s not like you both are making a huge effort to conceal it.”

Peter looked worriedly at Tony, but the man simply laughed, and that made it easier to talk about it. He thought Tony would be mad at him for letting someone know, but apparently, he wasn’t at all bothered by it.

“So, how did you figure it out?”
“The resemblance to the kid you brought to Germany was too much. Same demeanor and voice. Seriously, I’m surprised Sam and Barnes haven’t figured it out yet, given that you kicked their asses.”

Peter immediately blushed. He wouldn’t say that he kicked their asses, but he wouldn’t deny that he held his own in combat with them, and that made him feel very empowered. Tony laughed, tilting his face back, which made the whole situation way more embarrassing for him.

“After that it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. You have got to figure out a way for Peter to come into the Compound without being noticed. I saw him climb down the tree on Monday night.”
“Any suggestions?”
“Not really, Tony. You’re supposed to be the genius, aren’t you?”
“Guess you got that right.”

Peter hadn’t really said a word, and he felt like the conversation was gearing towards how Tony found out about Peter. He felt like he could fade out of the conversation without being noticed, so he began making his way to the exit of the building to go look for Steve, and he successfully managed to go unnoticed, but the last thing he heard was Natasha telling Tony how impressed he was at Peter’s abilities, which brought a bright smile to Peter’s face.
____________________

Peter hadn’t really spent any time in the right building. He had only been there once, when Sam was showing him around on his first day at the Compound. He was eternally grateful for the fact that Sam was with Bucky in the gym of the main building, and Steve was alone in the living room.

“Hey Peter, what are you doing here?”
“Hi, Mr. Rogers, I’m sorry to bother you.”
“You’re not bothering me, kid, it’s surprising to see you here. Is there anything I can help you with?”

That was so in character for Captain America. Peter always knew he was the helpful type of guy, but he hadn’t really experienced it before. His interaction with the man was just of him throwing an airport on top of Peter.

“Actually, I wanted to ask you some questions, if you don’t mind. I’m working on a paper for my history class, extra credit and all that.”
“Go on.”
“It’s about the Second World War, I thought that maybe you could tell me a bit more about your experience, if you don’t mind? It’s okay if you don’t want to.”
“It’s fine, Pete, what do you want to know?”
“I guess most of it has already been said, but there’s little of HYDRA. The information that came to light with the collapse of SHIELD wasn’t really any good when it came to its beginnings. Do you know anything about it?”
“It was the scientific branch of a Nazi paramilitary organization, the Schutzstaffel. Have you heard of it?”

Peter shook his head, and it was really interesting. For a moment, he forgot the initial intent of the conversation and he became fully invested in Steve’s story.

“It was created to terrorize the population, they wanted to create a world without freedom, to make people so afraid that they’d follow orders.”
“What did HYDRA do? What were they trying to achieve?”
“They had bases all over Europe and were creating weapons of mass destruction with the Tesseract. They wanted to destroy all main cities of the world so they could have the power to themselves.”
“Did they use the Tesseract to make the serum?”
“No, Pete, the serum was created when Erskine was still working for HYDRA. Schmidt took the serum, but it didn’t go his way. After that, Erskine came to America and well, here we are.”
“What does the serum do? I mean, specifically?”
“Erskine said that it amplifies everything within you. What I understood is that it increases cell division and density, which apparently makes me stronger and bigger.”
“Do you think it has changed who you are? How you live your life?”
“It’s definitely been an adjustment, Pete. I have to eat a hell lot more. Tony was able to work with Helen and determine how quickly my metabolism works, turns out I have to eat four times as much, who could’ve guessed that?”

Peter felt his world collapse for a moment. If his enhancements were similar to Steve’s, would that mean that his metabolism worked as fast as his? Would that mean that he’d have to eat four times more as the regular person to maximize his potential? The numbers were making his head spin.

“Oh.”
“What’s the paper about? Maybe I can help you write it, later.”
“No, that’s okay, thank you, Mr. Rogers. I’m trying to mix history and science. Two birds, one stone type of thing.”
“Well, let me know if I can be of help.”

For a moment, there was silence, and Peter was way too busy in his head to know if it was a comfortable one or not. He didn’t really notice the time, but Steve's voice brought him back to reality.

“So, Pete, how did you meet Tony? He never really mentioned that.”
“There was this MIT program, I signed up for it, but didn’t know Mr. Stark was looking for an intern. I guess he saw something in me? I’m not really sure what, to be honest. But he’s been very kind and has allowed me to work with him in some stuff at the lab.”
“That’s really good, kid. He’s a good man, and I’m glad you get along well.”

The environment suddenly turned uncomfortable to Peter, so he decided he was going to leave and look for Tony. He wanted to know what he’d talked about with Natasha. There was not really a particular reason for him to be feeling uncomfortable, but it just happened.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Rogers, you’re very helpful.”
“No problem, Peter. It’s Steve, there’s no need for formalities.”
“Thank you, see you later.”
____________________

“Hey, FRIDAY, could you please tell me where Mr. Stark is?”
“He’s at the lab in the main building, Peter.”
“Thank you.”

Peter made his way up the stairs, headed to the lab. It was a considerable number of steps, but he knew it would only make him stronger. The closer he got to the lab floor, the more he felt that something was off. He could sense Tony’s discomfort and the awkward environment. It didn’t take a genius to know what was going on. As soon as he got to the lab doors, they automatically opened, and his suspicions were confirmed. Nonetheless, it was still a little bit disturbing.

“Hey, kid.”

In front of him were Tony with none other than Bucky sat across each other. There were hologram plans in front of them, apparently of the metal arm. He couldn’t really tell, and he could be mistaken, but Peter thought they were talking about tech improvements to the arm. He could also see a computer displaying the hologram room, and on its side, a list of all the Avengers. Tony was probably programming new settings for Bucky’s personalized training.

It was obviously a tense moment, and Peter wondered how long they’d been in there. It couldn’t have been very long; he didn’t think Tony would be very fond of spending time with Bucky. Trying not to disturb them, Peter sat in one of the puffs and waited silently for them to finish talking. He didn’t have to wait long, as only 10 minutes later Bucky was making his way out of the lab, leaving Tony with a frown and a stern look on his face.

“What was that about, Mr. Stark?”
“Nothing, kid, adjustments.”
“I thought they weren’t allowed to come in here?”
“Someone’s gotta work on their gadgets.”
“What’s his new scenario?”
“Powered shots.”
“So, Mr. Stark, I just wanted to ask you about what Natasha said? About the whole Spider-Man thing.”

For the first time since he got to the lab, Tony looked at Peter. It was evident that Tony wasn't comfortable with Bucky, and, although it hurt him, Peter understood why he was being so distant.

“She’s really impressed, Pete. But you’ve got to be more careful if you don’t want the others to find out.”
“Yeah, for sure, I’ll figure something out.”
“We’ll talk about it later, don’t worry about it.”
“Mr. Stark?”
“Yes, kid?”
“I was wondering if it was possible to practice decathlon? I don’t want to abandon it again and disappoint MJ, so I wondered if there was any way to program FRIDAY to help me practice?”
“You kidding? This is a great opportunity, we’ll have decathlon practice tonight with everyone.”
“What? That’s really not necessary, Mr. Stark, it’s fine.”
“No, kid, it’s been decided, it’s gonna be a blast.”
____________________

It wasn’t ideal, but they had paella for dinner. Tony said there was this incredible place he’d found in Valencia, and said they had to try it, so, as the billionaire he is, the man flew in the chefs to New York. They ate the dish, and it lived up to Tony’s advertising of it. It baffled Peter how easily the man could get everything and anything he wanted, but he wasn’t complaining.

The paella wasn’t necessarily the healthiest option, but Peter was eager to try more dishes. He’d been having such a good day, and he didn’t want his thoughts to ruin his mood. An hour after dinner, they were all sat down in the main living room, waiting for decathlon to start.

“Listen up, everybody. We have the most important mission of our lives upon us. Peter’s got to practice for decathlon and we’re making it a challenge.”

Everyone looked at each other and began cheering. Peter was embarrassed, but their reactions eased his mind a bit. He thought they’d hate the proposal, but apparently, Tony knew how to sell any idea to anyone.

“We’ll be divided into 2 groups. Team 1 will be Wanda, Bruce, Clint, Steve, and Barnes. Team 2 will be Peter, Natasha, Sam, and yours truly. Rhodey will be moderator. Any complaints? No? Let’s begin.”
“Okay everyone, the questions will be based on the 2015-2016 practice test. Each team will have a bell. Whoever rings first has the chance to answer. If it’s right, it’ll be 10 points to the team; if it’s wrong, the other team will have the chance to answer.”

Everyone’s expectant expressions were really heartwarming, and Peter felt very comfortable in his environment. He felt slightly confident about this, regardless of how smart Bruce was. He had had a bunch of practice, so they should be okay.

“The winning team will get to choose this Saturday’s activities, while the losing team will have to pick up the mess afterwards.”
“Hey! That’s not fa–”
“Let’s begin.”

Clint’s protest was blatantly ignored by Rhodey who had begun to read the questions. If Peter wasn't so anxious about how he'd answer, he would've laughed at the situation.

“First question on the mathematics category: A satellite is orbiting Earth with an altitude of 250 miles. How much distance is there between the satellite and the horizon of earth given that the Earth’s radius is approximately 3,959 miles?”

Peter was very focused in solving the problem, but he could sense what was going on and he would've laughed at the scene. Everyone but Bruce, Tony and himself were shocked and stood perfectly still. It was nice having numbers which weren’t those of calories running through his head, he felt like he was finally doing things right. He heard Bruce ring the bell and he felt absolutely devastated.

“It’s 1,429 miles.”
“Wrong answer. Team 2?”
“1,679 miles.”

Tony proudly spoke and Peter looked to the man’s notebook where he had written the equation. Peter was sure that those weren’t numbers, the only one who understood them was the man himself.

“That’s correct! 10 points to Team 2.”
“This isn’t fair, it’s too nerdy, give us something we can actually answer.”

Clint’s complaint took a laugh out of Peter, it felt empowering to know he was one of the only three who knew how to answer the question, and it was just a nice breath of fresh air to be doing this and feeling actually smart.

“First question on the literature category: based on Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe; what’s the moral of the tortoise and birds fable?”

“Oh, I know this for sure, I read this a while ago. Do not want much, don’t be greedy.”
“That’s correct, Sam. 10 points to Team 2.”
“Next question of the science category: which study understands the changes within and organ in specific diseases?”

“Pathophysiology”
“Bruce is right, 10 points to Team 1”

He could see Bruce high-fiving everyone in his team, while he noticed Tony rolling his eyes. Obviously, Bruce would know the answer, and Peter guessed it annoyed Tony.

“So Tony washes off his pout, for economics, what’s the name of the type of trade when a country has more exports than imports?”
“Easy, surplus.”
“That’s correct! 10 points to Team 2.”

The practice went on for another two hours, and Peter had gotten a good amount of practice of his own. After he’d gotten comfortable enough, he began answering more and more questions, and he felt smart and powerful. Steve and Natasha had so much knowledge, it baffled him. They were certainly smart, but he had never really stopped to think about it. It was also nice to see Bucky participate, especially after what he had seen in Tony’s lab some hours ago.

They were tied up and it came down to a science question, which Peter was sure Bruce would answer first, but he didn’t. His mind was telling him that the man probably let him win, but he was willing to ignore that part of him and embrace the victory. After they were done practicing, Sam proposed they play board games.

They were having such a good time and seemingly, no one wanted to leave yet, not even it being 11pm. They ended up playing Mexican Train, and it was the most fun Peter had had in a very long time. He didn’t know the game, but once he got the hang of it, it was amazing and he loved it; ending up in second place, just 26 points shy from Bucky’s score.

At 1:30am they were all saying their goodbyes, and Peter simply stayed sat down in the couch, appreciating the moment. After Sophie’s death, Peter was sure he could never be happy again. On the contrary, he thought he would die, too. He surprised himself with the realization that her death just pushed him to become a better ‘hero’.

Maybe it was the fact that now someone else knew about his secret, or it may be because he’d gotten closer to Tony, but he felt content. He wasn’t sure if it would last, but he wanted to make the most of it. Peter had forgotten how much joy he experienced when he spent time with people he cared about while eating. After all, most social interactions happen around food. It was nice not to panic when he ate anything over 100 calories, and he felt at peace.

Notes:

Hi guys!! I'm sorry I hadn't uploaded this earlier, it's been crazy busy these past two weeks, but it's now up!

I know this chapter is all fluff and no angst, there's probably some of you who don't enjoy it, but bear with me! I try to write the chapter according to what the song verse says, so this one is all about progress and being better. I guess with that you can kind of guess what to expect from future chapters.

Also, let me know what you think of this chapter? Do you guys think the characters are well written and in accordance to their personalities we saw in the movies? What do you think should happen next? I love reading your comments and opinions!

 

Thanks for reading and have a nice week! x.

Chapter 11: you're all cleaned up

Summary:

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Ever since he spoke to Tony about what happened to Sophie, Peter felt a weird sense of peace. He didn’t really think he would ever get to the point where he forgave himself for failing her, but here he was, vowing to be better for her and her memory. About thirty minutes had gone by since he woke up, but he was too deep in thought to get out of bed. He was so grateful for everything he had been given, both by his aunt and Tony, and it was surprising to him how his mind seemed to forget about everything, he was just now actually living, and he was happy about it.

Before realizing, it was 5am, and he realized he was late to his daily jog. This time, as he went around the tracks time and time again, he felt like he was doing this for him to be a better hero, instead of thinking that it was just to be a barely passable one. He sensed a presence near him, and it was surprising. Ever since he started dieting, he had lost power in his senses, and, even though they were still there, he knew they could do so much more for him. He could see that now, sensing Sam coming up to him and joining him in their daily jog.

“Hey kid, how’s it going?”
“Hi.”

It was no mystery to Peter the reason why he was acting so shyly around Sam. He had grown close to the man, but the way he snapped at him made Peter feel like the Sam would hate him, and Peter didn’t want to deal with the possibility of that happening.

“You really impressed me yesterday, Peter. You’re smart smart, who would’ve guessed?”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“Why would I be?”
“I don’t know, I wasn’t the kindest person yesterday and I just wanted to apologize, it wasn’t right.”
“Forget about it; I have.”
“Thank you, Sam.”
“No problem, kid.”

For a while they continued jogging in silence, and it was comfortable, but there was that bubbly side of Peter that hadn’t come out in a while, and it was starting to surface again. There were so many things he wanted to ask him, but he tried to control himself and not overwhelm the man with everything he had to say.

“Hey, Sam? Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.”
“How did you meet Steve? I talked to him yesterday about his powers and I figured it must’ve been a surprise for you.”
“It certainly wasn’t easy to get used to someone be that strong, that’s for sure. We met in Washington some years ago. The guy was just constantly showing off how fast he is and mocked me about my lack of super-speed. He came knocking on my door when he needed shelter when S.H.I.E.L.D. was collapsing, so here we are.”
“How did you know you could trust him?”
“I don’t know kid; I just knew it was right.”
“Do you regret it? You know, with all the Accords’ mess and that.”
“Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t stuck by his side all these years. I wouldn’t change it. He’s a good man, and I’ll stand by him.”
“What about Bucky?”
“That was definitely a challenge, let me tell you. The guy speaks a couple of words and Steve is ready to take a bullet.”
“Do you mind if I ask you about his time with HYDRA?”
“He’d have to tell you himself, Peter. Though I doubt he would, he rarely does.”
“Oh.”
“This I can tell you: he didn’t know what he was doing, it was all HYDRA in his head.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I know you’re Stark’s kid, so I’m guessing you know.”

Sam looked at Peter with a knowing look, and all of the sudden Peter felt incredibly uncomfortable. Peter was as loyal to Tony as Sam was to Steve, and he objectively knew Bucky wasn’t in control, but he definitely understood Tony’s feelings towards the man.

“I’m not Mr. Stark’s kid. But I totally understand, seriously, I do.”
“Good.”

After that, they continued jogging in silence. Peter felt slightly uncomfortable when hearing Sam say that he was Tony's kid. There was certainly a very close relationship between them, but Peter would never go as far as to say Tony consider him his kid.

“So, are you cooking lunch?”
“I don’t know, maybe?”
“You should, it’s been really good so far.”
“Well, then maybe?”
“It’s settled, I’ll help you.”
____________________

About an hour later Peter made his way into the kitchen on the left building. His stomach was demanding something, and it took Peter a while to understand that it was craving a certain type of food. It had been way too long since he last listened to his body and his cravings, and this felt new, but in a way, it also felt like he was back to being his old self. He didn’t recognize that he had made his choice until he took out the Greek yogurt out of the fridge. Fruit and a bit of granola weren’t that unhealthy, right?

Twenty minutes later Peter was joyfully enjoying his yogurt parfait, still in disbelief of how at ease he felt. He was feeling truly content, and he was actually enjoying the food, it was unbelievable.

When he was done eating his breakfast, Peter put the plates in the dishwasher and made his way upstairs. He was determined to plan the best afternoon ever for Saturday. After all, they were in charge of Saturday’s events as the winners of decathlon practice, and he assumed none of the others would be in charge of it. He wanted it to be a special afternoon. Peter sensed that, even though they didn’t exactly fight during or after Thursday’s meeting, the overall environment was uncomfortable.

With his mission clear, Peter took out a notebook and began writing down ideas. What could be fun enough for a group of superheroes to do? This ought to be harder than it looked. Suddenly, he remembered something his school did a while ago, and it was like a bulb lit up in his brain. He was going to plan a carnival fit for the Avengers, and it was going to be awesome.

Peter was concerned that they would find the idea too boring and horrible, but he remembered how Tony had told him that Steve had always talked about these sorts of things, and that they used to do them all the time back then during the War. Peter knew that he couldn’t do this on his own, especially when it came down to time management. There were tons of things to do, and Peter regretted starting to do them so late.

“FRIDAY? Is Mr. Stark busy?”
“No, Peter. Mr. Stark is currently in his lab shutting down old projects.”
“Could you ask him if he could come down here for a moment? If it’s not too much to ask. It’s okay if he’s busy.”
“He’ll be right down, Peter.”

His mind was full of ideas, and he wanted the evening to be perfect, but he needed Tony, especially if this meant that some money would be spent. Peter knew he could trust the man with everything, but it was still uncomfortable when it came to money. When he first got to the Compound, when Tony gave him the two cards, Peter understood that it was no problem to him, but he still didn't want to abuse it.

“Hey, kid, you called?”
“Good morning, Mr. Stark!”
“I see you’re happy this morning, anything in particular?”
“I was just thinking about tomorrow, and that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Do you have anything in mind?”
“Well, I was thinking that maybe we could do some sort of carnival? You know, with those booths and games, I thought it might be fun? Maybe?”
“That sounds great, Pete. Where did you get this idea from?”
“When I was younger, my uncle and my aunt took me to this sort of carnival or amusement park, I’m not really sure what it was. All I know is that it made me feel happy, so I figured after all that has happened with the Accords, it could be nice to ease tensions and just have fun, you know?”
“Huh. What do you need?”
“Well… I was thinking I could do most of it myself, I just need some things to do the actual stands, like some hoops or–”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“I’m sorry, it was a dumb thing to ask, it’s okay, we can do something else, it’s too much, I’m so–”

As soon as Tony stopped his speaking, Peter felt immediate regret. He didn’t really know how much was too much, and it was unclear to him where the line was. Now, this was probably it. Peter really wanted the carnival to work, and he knew he could do most of it himself. Still, there were some things that he couldn’t just find laying around.

“Hey kid, stop it, seriously. If you’d just let me finish. We can rent it all out, Peter. I’ll have someone take charge of the whole thing. Just let me know what sort of things you want, and I’ll have them delivered tomorrow morning.”
“That’s really not necessary, Mr. Stark. I can do that, I just need a couple of things and it’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Nonsense, kid. Just let me know what you’re thinking about and consider it done.”
“Thank you so much, Mr. Stark. What do you think about those things in amusement parks? Like that one to hit a mallet to make a bell ring, or those balloon popping stands? I love that Skeeball one, it’s really cool.”
“Sounds good, kid. I’d love to beat Rogers at can toss. I’ll make some calls; what time are you thinking?”
“I thought it would be cool to kind of pair it up with lunch? Make it an afternoon-long thing, maybe.”
“What are you thinking about for the food? You know how much this lot eat.”
“I thought about traditional carnival food, along the lines of hot dogs, pretzels, turkey legs, popcorn; you know, that type of food. What do you think?”
“I think it’s going to be amazing, Pete. I’ll have them come by tomorrow at 9am to set everything up, sounds good?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark! Thank you so much!”

They continued talking for a while after that initial conversation. Tony was writing down everything Peter suggested, and he was just having the best time of his life. A couple of days ago he wouldn’t have believed it if someone had told him how much happiness he’d be feeling that Friday. But right now, any amount previously imagined was nothing compared to what he was actually feeling. He was excited, and he couldn’t wait for it to be the next day. He wanted to spend time with all of them, and his mind had set aside, almost putting his destructive thoughts to rest.

Peter wasn’t an idiot, he had never been, so he knew it wasn’t permanent; but, god, he so desperately wanted the feeling to last forever. He spent the hour after Tony had left his bedroom laying in his bed and just thinking about everything that had been going on during the last months. He would’ve never imagined living in the same place as The Avengers, much less actively interacting with them; but it was nice and Peter had grown fond of them, he never wanted it to end.

“Peter, it’s currently 12:45pm. Sam Wilson asked me to tell you to join him in the main kitchen.”
____________________

“Thought you were going to leave me alone to feed all these people by myself.”
“I’m so sorry, Sam, I was busy planning some stuff for tomorrow.”
“Don’t sweat it. Will you tell me what you’re planning?”
“Nope, it’s a surprise.”
“Suit yourself. What are we cooking today?”
“What do you think about chicken parm with pasta and caprese salad?”
“When did you get so gourmet, huh?”
“It’s really nothing special.”
“What do we need, kid?”
“We’ll need panko, parmesan cheese, eggs, garlic powder, marinara sauce, tomatoes, basil, mozzarella cheese, parsley, salt and pepper, chicken breasts, and olive oil.”
“Okay, Pete, let’s get to work.”

After that, Sam took out all the ingredients of the pantry, while Peter preheated the ovens. Cooking with Sam was fun. The guy was very relaxed, and Peter knew it was a comfortable environment. They put on some music on the speakers while each of them took to a certain task. Sam was in charge of taking care of the pasta they had chosen for the side, while Peter prepared the chicken breasts.

When that was ready, and the cheese had melted down, Peter began making the caprese salad. It was really easy to make, and it reminded him of his childhood. This whole meal was a very nice reminder of his family and the memories they had had together. Now that he was preparing this to eat with Tony and the Avengers, Peter felt some sort of warmth, and it felt like family to him.

After 45 minutes they were done cooking and FRIDAY had already called everyone to the kitchen. They all started coming in and complimenting the food and its smell. It wasn’t long after that they were all sat down in the table, each of them with their plate already served and ready.

“You know, Peter, you’ll end up spoiling everyone in this place if you keep making these delicious meals.”
“Yeah, kid, Natasha’s right, you’ll even end up making me look like a bad cook.”
“Don’t worry, Barton, that ship has long sailed.”
“Very funny, Stark.”

The meal went on fairly quietly, only small conversations happening every now and then. Peter thought it would feel very uncomfortable to have such a silence fill the room, but for some reason, this wasn’t awkward. Everyone seemed to be content, and it was nice to see that. Not long after, Tony took charge of the conversation again.

“Hey everyone, listen up.”

Immediately, everyone turned their heads to Tony and stopped everything they were saying. It was remarkable how easily Tony could commandeer a conversation and take leadership of any place. Peter aspired to be like that one day.

“Tomorrow’s activities have been very specially planned by none other than Peter here. We’ll meet tomorrow at 2pm in the tracks. Whoever’s late will face consequences.”

Tony gave everyone around the table a warning look, but Peter now knew the man enough to know that he was joking. Although he would definitely understand if everyone on Steve’s team would take that threat seriously.

“What are we doing tomorrow, Peter?”
“It’s a surprise, but I promise it will be fun! It’s nothing fancy, either, very casual.”
“He’s not gonna tell us, is he?”
“Nope.”
____________________

Lunchtime was over by 3pm, and everyone had gone their respective ways to do what they usually did after lunch. Peter stayed in the kitchen cleaning around a little bit. His aunt really wasn’t a fan of cleaning, but she had always said it was better to live in a clean environment.

After he was done, he turned off the speakers and made his way to Tony’s lab. He hadn’t gone out on patrol since Monday, and maybe it was time to get back out there. After all, there were many people in Queens who could need his help, and he wasn’t helping anyone from the Compound. He wanted to tell Tony that he’d be going out, Peter didn’t want to break his trust again.

“Hey kid, great lunch, by the way.”

Tony was working on his holopad on what seemed to be the Quinjet. He wasn’t really sure what the man was doing, but it definitely felt too complicated for Peter’s brain. Regardless, it was fun to see him work, it felt a lot like it did before May left.

“I’m glad you liked it, Mr. Stark.”
“So, what brings you here? Anything I can do for you?”
“I just wanted to ask, if it’s not too rude and weird, if everything has already been hired for tomorrow?”
“Oh, yeah, Pete, that’s all ready now. Seriously, you just have to have fun tomorrow, there’s no need to stress over it. I hired some vendors for the food and it’s going to be great.”
“That’s amazing, Mr. Stark, thank you so much! Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help? I feel like I put it all on you and, I’m sorry.”
“You kidding? I wouldn’t have thought of that by myself. Pete, hear me out on this, everything’s settled, and you just need to have fun.”
“O- Okay, thank you, Mr. Stark.”

Peter sheepishly looked down and, as he saw that Tony wasn’t reacting, he decided to continue with his initial intent for this conversation. As much as he wanted to believe otherwise, he knew that there was little he could do when it came to making decisions of his coming and goings while he stayed there.

“Mr. Stark?”
“Yes, Pete?”
“I was thinking maybe I could go out on patrol again tonight?”
“You sure you’re ready for that, bud?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean if you’re ready to go out on patrol after what happened to that woman.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I think I’m ready to go back out again.”
“If you’re sure, I can’t stop you. You’ve earned trust, Pete, today’s curfew is at 1am. Report back to me every couple of hours, okay?”
“Really? Thank you so much, Mr. Stark! I won’t let you down.”
____________________

Peter wasn’t exactly sure why, but his heart felt full when he was entering the city, he felt happy, and like life was full of promise. Swinging all around Queens made his soul feel at peace, and he was grateful for it. It was just like Monday afternoon; he was full of energy and he felt useful. But this time it was better.

Now that he had more energy, his senses were much more useful, and he could hear everything, knowing exactly what was going on all around him. It was now obvious to him that his body did actually need more food, and he was glad to see the effects. So far, he had moved way faster than he ever had before, and he had helped many more people than he had in his years as Spider-Man.

The afternoon was going amazing, and he felt exactly like it. It was now 6:30pm and he had already swung around most of the streets of Queens. Without really realizing it, he was avoiding a certain place, and it was now too late. He was in Kew Garden Hills, more precisely in the 139th Street with 72nd Road. Sophie was murdered there. Peter felt the air leaving his lungs, and his chest tightening. He stopped swinging and sat on top of the roof of the Main Street Cinemas.

It was probably an idiot move, but he felt like he couldn’t breathe, so Peter took the mask off. The world going on around him was going fast, but he felt stuck, and he could only hear her voice and feel her pain. It was like life threw him back a couple of days and stopped at the moment when she died.

Decidedly, Peter shook the thoughts off his head. He could not fail her, and he would not dishonor her memory. Harshly wiping away the tears in his face, Peter put the mask back on and began swinging to Brooklyn. He needed to check on her family and see how they were doing. Tony had told him that they were financially struggling, and he wondered how they were holding up. Upon his arrival, Peter stayed in the roof in front of their building.

He would’ve gotten closer, but he could see a man meeting up with his family in the front door, and even a fool would know that it was Sophie’s family. The man was obviously her dad, the resemblance was uncanny. He needed to know more of what was going on.

“Karen, what’s going on?”
“Activating stealth surveillance.”

“I’m sorry, Sarah, they think they don’t have enough evidence against them.”
“What do you mean by that? Those men murdered our little girl, they can’t just walk away.”
“I know, honey, they’re doing everything they can, but back at the police station they warned me not to get our hopes up.”
“What else did they say?”
“I met up with our lawyer, the hearing will be next week, we’ll know next Wednesday what’s going to happen.”
“What are we supposed to tell Kayla? What about Brad?”
“I think we need to tell Brad; he needs to be there. I can ask my mother to look after Kayla that day, she’s too young to understand.”

“Karen, please log that, I want to talk to Mr. Stark about it later.”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

Peter felt really uncomfortable up in that roof. In a way, he felt like he was hearing something he had no right to hear; but, at the same time, it almost felt like he was supposed to hear that. Hearing that the murderers might walk away free made Peter’s blood boil, and he could definitely feel it. Now that his body had the fuel enough to properly function, he could feel it all, and it was getting really uncomfortable to be in his own skin.

With that in mind, Peter took off and went back to Queens. He needed time to clear his head and prepare what he was going to tell Tony. Why did the man say they didn’t have enough evidence? As far as he remembered, Tony had told Peter that Karen recorded everything, and that the footage was enough, that everything was there. Wasn’t that what was needed to convict them? Maybe Tony didn't really give the information to the police, but that was a thought Peter did not want to accept.

Time went by and Peter tried to push his thoughts away, instead focusing on helping the people around him. It was late now, and he wanted to get back to the Compound earlier. For one, he wanted to talk to Tony about Sophie, but, for the other, he wanted to prove to the man that he could be responsible, and that he was mature enough to recognize when he needed to go back.

At 10:30pm, Peter was at the Broadway subway station in northwest Queens. He was about to start swinging back when he noticed there was a little girl standing alone in front of the rails. She couldn’t be any older than 8 years old, and it was weird that she was out there all by herself.

“Hey! I’m Spider-Man! What’s your name?”
“I’m Valeria.”
“That’s a very beautiful name, Valeria. Tell me, are you lost? Are your parents somewhere around here?”

The girl started silently crying and Peter felt extremely uncomfortable, he didn’t really know what to do. His instincts took over and he hugged her and tried to calm her down.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m sure we can figure something out, okay? You look like a very smart young lady, why don’t we sit down, and you tell me about it?”

The girl simply nodded, and they took a seat in the floor, against a column. Peter didn't really have much experience with kids, so he was going off only on his instincts, and Peter begged that they wouldn't fail him.

“We were getting out of the train, and she – she just didn’t? I think I lost her in the crowd? I’m so scared!”
“That’s alright, I’m sure it’ll be okay, we’ll find her. Is this where you usually get off the train?”
“Y-Yes.”
“How about this? Let’s wait for her here! I’ll wait with you until she gets here, how does that sound?”
“Do you think she’ll be mad at me?”
“Of course not! She’ll be so happy to know you’re safe.”

Valeria didn’t seem to respond, so Peter took out any social skills he had in him and took charge of the conversation. One thing he knew far too well was that he needed to calm her down and try to distract her.

“Tell me about you, what do you like?”
“I have this class, it’s so amazing! It’s with Mrs. Kim, she teaches us science and I love it! We’re learning about cells, and I really like it!”
“That’s great! I love biology, too! Do you have any siblings who enjoy science as much as you?”
“Nope, it’s just me and my mom, my dad died a year ago.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that.”
“It’s okay, he’s up there in the sky, see? He’s the brightest star! I see him every night and he’s taking care of me.”
“Did your dad like science, too?”
“Yeah! He loved it! He was a doctor, the heart kind.”
“That’s great, Valeria.”
“Call me Val, when I become a doctor like him, everyone will call me Dr. Val.”
“Well, Val, I’m sure you’ll be the greatest heart doctor there has ever been.”

They continued talking for around 20 minutes and, he couldn’t lie, Peter was worried that something had happened to her mother. She hadn’t come back for her, and he was starting to think of options. There was the obvious one that was going to the police, but he wasn’t really sure about it. He also thought of tracking her with Karen’s systems, but he didn’t really have anything he could track her with. As Peter was about to call Tony for advice, the girl quickly stood up and ran towards a tall woman, she must be her mother.

“Oh my god, Val! I’m so glad you’re okay!”
“I’m okay, mom! Spider-Man helped me!”

When she said those words, the woman turned to him and hugged him. Peter was definitely surprised, but he embraced it, and hugged her back. It was always nice to see that he was actually being useful.

“Thank you so much, Spider-Man, I could never thank you enough.”
“It’s okay, ma’am, it’s what we do. Do you live near here? Would you like me to walk you home?”
“No, it’s okay, you’ve already done so much, we live just around the corner, but thank you, anyway.”
“Have a good night, ma’am. Goodbye, Val!”
“Bye, Spider-Man!”

They turned around and walked down the stairs, walking east. Peter was determined to stay there until he knew they got home. Even though she had told him not to, he needed to be sure that they were safe, and that nothing bad would happen to them if he turned around a minute earlier. Five minutes later he saw the woman turning the key to the entrance door, and he finally let out a breath he was holding in. With relief in his mind, Peter began swinging back towards the Compound at 11pm.
____________________

“Mr. Stark? Is it okay if we talk for a moment? It won’t take long.”

Peter had come into his bedroom at exactly 11:49pm. He wasn’t necessarily surprised that Tony’s lab lights were still on, but he hoped, for the man’s sake, that they wouldn’t and that he’d rest. Seeing as he was awake, he changed into some sweatpants and a sweater, and made his way upstairs to talk to him.

“Sure thing, kid, come on in.”
“I just wanted to talk to you about Sophie.”
“Did something happen tonight?”

He had these really concerned expression written all over his face, and Peter could easily guess what type of thing Tony was concerned about. He was definitely grateful to know that the man cared about him, and that he knew what was going on.

“No! Nothing like that, nothing happened. But, actually, something, did happen.”
“Which is it, then? What happened, Pete?”
“So, I saw Sophie’s family tonight.”
“Why did you do that, exactly?”
“I didn’t really know where I was going, and I ended up at the place where, you know, where Sophie was killed. And I just felt the need to check up on her family, see how they are and whatnot.”
“Oh god, Peter, just spit it out, what did you do?”
“So, her dad was at the police station today. They told him that they didn’t have enough evidence to convict the murderers, and that they might walk away free.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Stark. I just thought about what you told me, about the footage recorded with the suit? I thought it would be enough proof.”
“I haven’t sent that, don’t know if I will, if I’m honest.”
What?”
“You know, kid, this thing with your secret identity really complicates this whole deal. Don’t you think they will start asking questions about how they got that footage? Do you think that evidence will hold up in court?”
“But they need it, to make them pay for killing her.”
“I know, Pete. It’s just not that easy. Let me remind you that your voice is very clear in that video. What happens when they recognize your voice and put two and two together?”
“I know, but–”
“Kid, this is much more complicated than you think. I’m trying to figure out something, but you have to be patient.”
“The hearing’s on Wednesday.”

He knew it wasn’t Tony’s fault, but Peter was frustrated and tired. He didn’t have the energy to fight an argument he couldn’t win. Still, it was very discouraging to know there was very little he could do to help her family.

“Goodnight, Mr. Stark.”
“We’ll talk about this tomorrow, okay?”

It was hard not to direct his anger to Tony, and he really wanted to avoid that, so
with a simple nod, Peter turned around and went to sleep.
____________________

When Peter woke up, he had almost forgotten the discussion he had with Tony the night before. It wasn’t really a fight, not at all, but they were certainly in disagreement about what to do with the footage. Peter knew that Tony was right, and that he needed to protect his identity, but there must be another way for the police to get that video, without them knowing it was Spider-Man who recorded it.

Regardless of the worries in his head, today was going to be amazing. He had planned everything out with Tony, and he hadn’t been this excited in a very long time. Peter only hoped that everyone would be as happy with it as he was. Skipping his daily jog seemed like a good choice. There were many things to be done and going on his jog would set him back a couple of hours, he couldn’t afford that today, everything had to be perfect.

At 8am, Peter went downstairs and saw out of the corner of his eye that there were already people setting up stuff. He wasn’t 100% sure of everything that was going to happen, but he trusted Tony. When he entered the kitchen, he saw Rhodey behind the island, making waffles, and they smelled absolutely amazing.

“Morning, Peter, how did you sleep?”
“Pretty good, Rhodey, what about you?”
“Not bad, kid. Do you want some waffles?”
“Sure! They smell great.”

His mind was way too busy thinking about today’s events to even spare a thought to the food and what he should or shouldn’t be eating. It was nice to sit with the man to have a proper breakfast. He hadn’t eaten breakfast with someone else for a while.

“Does Steve's team know what you’re planning for today?”
“I don’t think so, I just hope they like it.”
“I’m sure they will, Pete. Everyone will have a lot of fun.”

A couple of minutes passed, and they continued talking about the day and about decathlon. It was nice to spend more time with Rhodey, he was an incredibly smart man, and Peter knew for a fact that they didn't give him nearly enough credit. Suddenly, Tony entered the room and helped himself to some more waffles.

“Good morning, everyone.”
“Hey, Tony, how’s it going?”
“You’ll be back for lunch, right Rhodes?”
“What does that mean? You won’t be here for what we're doing today?”

Peter could’ve sworn that Rhodey was going to spend the day here, but Tony’s comment made him doubt what he initially believed. Truly, there was nothing that hinted that he would be there, but Peter hoped so.

“Yes, Tony, I just have to sign something in Washington, and I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

Tony raised his arms in defeat and continued eating, while Peter looked with amusement at both of them and their conversation. Their dynamic was something Peter admired, and he hoped that, in the future, he could have a friendship like theirs.

“Speaking of, I better get going. Goodbye, see you later.”

The man left the building, leaving Tony and Peter behind in the kitchen. About 10 minutes went by in a semi-comfortable silence before Tony spoke up, and Peter knew exactly what they were going to talk about.

“FRIDAY, soundproof this building.”
“Already done, sir.”
“So, kid, we gotta talk about this.”
“I know, Mr. Stark, I’m so sorry about the way I acted yesterday, I was really tired and, don’t get me wrong, I know you’re right, but I just thought there must be another way, you know? The men are guilty and, I - I just want to do everything I can to bring them to justice.”
“I understand that Pete, I’m working on it, I’m on your side, okay? Just give me time and we’ll figure it out.”
“Thank you so much, Mr. Stark, I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“What do you think can be done?”
“I’ve been trying voice distortion or elimination, but we don’t know if that will invalidate the evidence. Don’t worry about this, Pete. I promise I’ll let you know when we’ve got something solid.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”
“So, what are today’s plans? Got everything ready?”
“Yes! I just saw that they’re taking in the last few things, but I think it’ll be a little later than expected, probably around 3pm?”
“That’s okay, no rush at all, it’s all about having fun, right?”
“It’s going to be amazing!”
____________________

Peter hadn’t really told anyone what they were going to do or the timeline that he had set up, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to him that Clint appeared at midday with a large order of tacos for lunch in the main living room. Everyone was happy to eat, apparently no one had thought of fetching something for themselves earlier. Peter was concerned that they wouldn’t eat what Tony had hired, because they’d be too full of tacos, but there was nothing he could do now.

Lunch went by and it was a pretty nice time. They chatted about what the activities would be and discussed about previous things they did before Sokovia. Even Wanda and Bucky were participating in the conversation. Rhodey came back just when Clint came into the building, it was perfect timing. Without even realizing it, Peter had eaten three tacos, and he was happy about it. He loved tacos, and he hadn’t had one in such a long time, his brain was absolutely delighted. He saw in his phone an alert from FRIDAY, which stated that everything was done and ready.

“Hey everyone! Everything’s ready in the tracks. I really hope you enjoy it and have fun!”

Every person in the room immediately got up and went out of the building. From the door Peter could see the stands and balloons, but what caught his attention the most were the giant inflatables on the far back of the tracks. That was definitely something that Tony had decided to add all on his own, but Peter was not complaining.

“Holy shit, Peter, this is amazing!”
“How did you come up with this?”
“I just thought it was a good idea, I used to go to amusement parks like this when I was younger, and Mr. Stark was really kind and helped arrange all of this. Really, it’s all because of him.”
“It’s amazing, Peter. Thank you, Tony.”

Steve smiled at Peter and stared at Tony like he was looking for his soul. Tony shrugged and smiled at him, while simultaneously racing Rhodey to the Skeeball stand. Sam and Wanda's comments filled Peter's heart with warmth, and it just felt right.

This was it. This must be the feeling that everyone talks about, that truly being happy feeling. Peter hadn’t really been aware of ever having experienced it, but this was incredible, and he embraced every second of it. He could hear everyone laughing over the music, and he could also hear bantering coming from both of the teams. He really thought that he had achieved what he was aiming to, everyone seemed at ease and to be enjoying themselves, they all seemed to have forgotten any past stress and it was now all joy.

Hearing Tony mockingly challenge Steve, and Rhodey jumping in the inflatable with Sam made Peter’s smile all the wider, and he was happy. He had so much fun himself, too. Peter had eaten two hot dogs before challenging Natasha to a hoop game; he lost. After that, Peter played can tossing against Bucky and won, which meant that the man had to get him a cup of caramel popcorn. Later, Wanda invited him to join her in the inflatable with cotton candy, and they just talked about life for a while.

At around 10pm Peter saw that everyone started to get tired and began saying their goodbyes. They all told Peter how much fun they had, and that he should be in charge of any future activities. Steve and Rhodey each approached him individually for a more heartfelt thank you, each telling him how much it meant to them the efforts to ease the tension with the team.

It was an amazing day, and Peter couldn’t help but have a smile from ear to ear when he was walking up the stairs to his room. He had forgotten how much fun he could have, and he never thought he actually could do that again. But here he was, and it was amazing.

A sound interrupted his thoughts, and it was the most worrisome sound he had heard in a while. Under different circumstances, he would’ve been glad to hear it, but right now, he dreaded it. His stomach rumbled, and he realized just how full he was.

His stomach wasn’t protesting for the lack of food, as it usually did. It was now protesting how much food it had been given. Peter didn’t really know what to think or do, all he knew was that his eyes instinctively looked at the all too forgotten scale that was hidden in his closet, and fear engulfed him.

Notes:

Hey guys! Words can't explain how sorry I am for how long it took me to post this. I had this medical issue at the beginning of the month, and I haven't really had the time to sit down and properly write. But it's up now! I hope you guys like this one.

Let me know what you guys think or if you have any suggestions! I love hearing your thoughts and recommendations.

I hope everyone's having a nice weekend x.

Chapter 12: you've made a mess again

Summary:

TW: explicit self-harm, eating disorder behaviors and thoughts.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

This could not be happening. This wasn’t possible. He couldn’t have messed up that bad, right? Peter was pacing around his room, his mind going a thousand miles per hour, filled with terrible thoughts. He could only think about waffles, and hot dogs, and candy, feeling regret with every thought. Peter couldn’t even figure out the calories in each of the meals, the number would simply be too much, and it freaked him out. He didn’t even want to think about it, it would mess with him so badly, he’d end up hurting himself.

“FRIDAY, please soundproof the room.”
“The room has been soundproofed, Peter. I’m compelled to remind you that Mr. Stark can override this command.”
“Could you please not tell him? please?”
“Sure thing.”

Peter was out of control, it felt like his soul had left his body, and any consciousness had left him. His feet were moving on their own around his room, and he felt his heart going faster, getting worse by the second. His chest was tightening, he could feel his body crushing his lungs, and the air was leaving him. There wasn’t much that he was registering around him, he only knew how terrible he was feeling, and that his body was shutting itself down.

He couldn't stand up anymore, his legs failed him and the next thing he knew was that he was next to the loveseat under the TV, huddled up, face between his knees, and an unbelievable headache. Maybe it was his head spiraling, but he could feel his soul trying to leave his body, shaking all over, not knowing what to do at this point. Peter hated every single second of this, and he just wanted to die. If it wasn’t for the fact that he had been bitten by a radioactive spider, and that he had gained super hearing, he would’ve probably ignored FRIDAY.

“Peter, you’re displaying symptoms of a panic attack, I’m required to contact Mr. Stark in case of emergencies or distress.”
“No, FRIDAY, please don’t tell him, I’m okay, really, I’m okay, I’m fine.”

The last thing he needed right now was for Tony to see him like this. He couldn’t afford to have him know how much of a mess he was. Peter vowed to collect his crap, and he had to be rational about this. There wasn’t much that he could do now, the damage had already been done and he had to start planning his moves if he wanted to keep things hidden. Slowly but surely, his wobbly legs pulled him up from the floor and took him to the bathroom. Instinctively, he went to the sink and poured water into his hands, directing them to his face.

He didn’t want to face his reflection, but it was inevitable. The boy staring back at him was pale as snow, but his eyes and their surroundings were red and irritated, and he could feel the pain. Peter despised his reflection, the mirror showed a huge double chin, and he couldn’t see his bones anymore. He wasn’t sure how much his thoughts were being distorted, and how much of reality he was grasping; but if he knew anything at all, it was that he got fatter, and he could feel every inch of his body.

Peter decided that he had to face his fears and his failure. He was unconsciously putting off getting close to the scale, it terrified him to see the number. Regardless, he took the dreaded thing out of the closet and put it in front of the door. It was the same exact place he had first weighed himself, and if he was going to see how much he had fucked up, he had to compare it rightfully.

He stripped down to his underwear and stepped in the scale. There was no need for any additional weight of clothing to make the number higher, but it didn’t matter anymore. Peter closed his eyes and prepared himself to look down. It was hard to try and look to the number, that implied that he had to see his stomach and his thighs; he felt huge, and he felt like crying when thinking about it.

Back when he first arrived at the Compound, he weighed in at 115 pounds. He finally gathered the strength to look down, and it was now at 118.4 pounds. His world was crumbling around him, and he felt like his throat was closing and like he was choking himself. The rational part of his brain was yelling at him to realize that he had just eaten a bunch of food, and that the number was definitely influenced by what he had eaten in the day. But it didn’t matter anymore, the number was now embedded in his brain, and it wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

Now that his mind was set on losing weight, he remembered the initial goal that he had. When he first started to lose weight, he weighed a healthy 140 pounds. He wasn’t necessarily short, so it wasn’t irrational to think that his body needed more. But his goal was set, and he wasn’t letting go of it. Peter was now more determined than ever. Taking out the notebook that was now collecting dust in the closet and looking through it felt like he had just reset his whole brain to get ready for what was coming.

Rage coursed through his veins, and he couldn’t handle it anymore, probably without his permission, his hand threw the notebook to the wall against his bed and started screaming. This could not be happening to him. He thanked everything that was above him that Tony was a tech genius, otherwise the entire Compound would’ve heard his desperate cries.

It was frenzy all over, and craziness took over him again. He took out a new notebook with the intent to start a new chapter in his attempt to lose weight; but when he tried to start writing on it, his hands chose to scratch it with all the force it had, making the pen tear page after page. He hated ever getting bitten by that spider, this wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for that day.

His mind froze, and his head stopped spinning. The spiral was now transforming itself into a sharpness he had never felt, but one that he recognized from the blade he used when Sophie died. Memories of relief and calmness filled his mind; and he instantly missed the feeling of the blade against his skin.

Objectively, Peter knew that hurting himself wouldn’t fix any of his problems, but he needed to be punished, he deserved to be hurt for how badly he had fucked up. Maybe there was an upside to having been bitten; his body now healed a million times faster, and he realized that he practically had free pass to hurt himself as badly as he wanted to.

There was a part of him that worried that there would be scars, but Peter chose to embrace that opportunity. The worst thing that could happen was that there would be scars, reminding him of his failures. The best-case scenario would be that his enhanced healing would take charge of it, and that he wouldn’t have to explain himself to Tony. He was determined, so he took the blade and hardly pressed it against his skin, drawing lines across the inner part of his left forearm.

It almost felt like drawing. He had heard before that, to some people, creativity was a release from their daily issues. To Peter, cutting himself gave him the feeling that that was the sensation that people had when drawing, but this time, it was better. Each drop of blood pouring out of the cuts was like a breath going into his lungs.

He felt like every second that passed, he was closer to reality. There was now an uncountable amount of paper towels stained with blood around his room. He didn’t let a wound close before cutting over it again. It hurt him more, and he didn’t want it to stop. After all, he deserved it.

After a while, it was now enough. It had probably been hours after he got to his room after the carnival activities, and he was feeling every ounce of exhaustion pouring out of his mind. He had never been so grateful for how loyal FRIDAY was. Peter really thought that she would’ve already told Tony about his cuts and his screaming, but apparently, she didn’t. Laying down in his bed, not even bothering to get under the covers, he clutched the now torn notebook to his chest; his thoughts screaming at him before falling asleep.

You fucked up.
You don’t deserve to live.
You don’t deserve food.
You’re disgusting.
Mr. Stark took you in out of pity.
No one wants you here.
You should just leave.
You can’t do anything right.
You can’t even stop eating.
You’re not worth it.

____________________

The morning came and he was horribly reminded of what had happened the night before. The blinds hadn’t been closed and his clothes were scattered all over the floor. There were dozens of papers laid over the room, both from the notebook and those stained with blood.

Now that the initial shock of gaining weight was over, he began planning his tactics again. He had to be careful this time, even more so than he ever was before. Peter needed to be at his best if he wanted to reach his goal, and he couldn’t afford anyone in the Compound finding out about his mission.

At first, he jumped out of bed and put on sweatpants and a hoodie. There was a part of him that wanted to see scars in his arm, but there weren’t any, and it was slightly disappointing. Afterwards, he picked up all the mess on the floor and put it in a bag, which he threw to the darkest corner of the closet. There was no way anyone would find it there, so he chose it to be his own little secret. He also picked up the two notebooks and shoved them in his bedside table. No one other than Tony and himself entered the room, so it was safe to assume that they were safe there.

Peter was exhausted, and he felt all motivation leave his body. It wasn’t even 6am yet, and he just wanted to lay in bed forever, hoping that his death would come sooner. Jogging seemed like way too much effort for his weak body, and his mind was way too clouded. He knew for a fact that part of him chose to ignore jogging so that he would have more material to hate himself with, and he knew it would work.

“FRIDAY, can you please close the blinds and lock the door?”
“Sure thing, Peter. The room is now locked and soundproofed. Mr. Stark can override these commands.”
“Thank you, FRIDAY.”

He had gotten to the point where it didn’t matter to him anymore. The kitchen was a place he wanted to avoid at all costs, and he didn’t feel like pulling energy within him to socialize with anyone, much less with Sam. The man's social skills were admirable, but it was also exhausting to keep up with him. If Tony wanted to override the commands, he was welcome to do so, it didn’t matter anymore.

Curling up felt safe. Peter felt like it was the closest thing to disappearing. Maybe if he tried hard enough, his body would oblige and make itself inexistant. If he fell asleep, it was something that his brain ignored, it just wasn’t registering anything at all, and Peter was okay with it.
____________________

“Hey, Pete, it’s 10am, cmon, time to get up.”

As much as he liked Tony, hearing his voice was the least thing he wanted. It meant that last night had actually happened, and that he’d have to face the consequences. The last thing he needed was to make an effort to make up more lies.

“Why did you lock the door, huh?”
“Good morning, Mr. Stark.”
“No answer?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, I think something upset my stomach last night, I’m just feeling a little sick, it’s all.”
“Do I need to ring up Helen or something?”
“No, Mr. Stark, I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“Doesn’t sound like nothing.”

Tony’s signature accusing gaze accompanied by the familiar eyebrow raise made an appearance, and it was slightly concerning to Peter. It was truly unbelievable how easily he saw through him, and how quickly he picked up that something wasn't right.

“You just need something warm, get something in your stomach. I’ll bring up some warm tea and salted crackers.”
No.

A hint of harshness was evident in Peter’s voice, and he could tell not only by his subconscious, but also by Tony’s surprised look. It really wasn't his intention, but his mind begged him to do anything he could do to avoid any food.

“I mean, I don’t want to bother you, I promise I’m okay, it’ll pass soon.”
“You sure, kid?”
“Yeah, I’ll be okay, I’ll be up soon.”
“Okay, Pete. See you at lunch?”
“You got it!”

The man left the room and with the door closing, his mind was going over every possible alternative for going to lunch. There weren’t many things that came to mind, but Peter knew he had to keep his promise to Tony if he was going to hide this from him. With that intention, he reluctantly got out of bed and headed to be bathroom. He was terrified to look at his reflection in the mirror.

It was crazy to think how much he had forgotten about his goals and what he should look like. Going into the bathroom was definitely a test. Peter didn’t want to see his body, but he didn’t really know how to avoid the mirror. With a lot of effort, Peter ignored the voice inside of him telling to look and to destroy his body. Instead, he hopped right into the shower, hoping that the water would wash his worries away. They didn’t.

Why would Mr. Stark tolerate having you here?
You’re just a waste of space, and he doesn’t even want you here.
Look at that huge pouch, you deserve to starve.
Why would anyone want to be near you?
You deserve no love, you’re disgusting.
Why did you think aunt May left?
She couldn’t put up with your shit anymore.
No one wants to deal with you at all.
Everyone just fakes what they truly feel when they’re around you.
You disgust them, you’re worthless and don’t deserve to be liked.
Why did you let your uncle die? Why did you let Sophie die?
You’re useless.
You can’t do anything right.
How can you waste the powers given to you?
You don’t deserve to be Spider-Man. You don’t deserve to live at all.
You’re fat, and you’re the one to blame.

STOP.”

This was absolutely ridiculous and humiliating. Peter broke down to the floor and started crying out of self-disgust. The voices were right, and he should take action based on them. He needed to stop making himself heavier, he just wanted to be as light as a feather, maybe then he’d be able to be faster, to save more people, to be better.
____________________

Going back to the main living room was terrifying. He was scared to face anyone today, in fear that he’d break down and let everyone know his problems. In all honesty, he didn’t want to go, but he knew that staying in his room was dangerous. Tony would know something was off, and Peter knew that the man would instantly think about the day that followed Sophie’s death.

So, Peter chose to try and make his presence known, at least to somebody. Maybe then there would be a witness to his being alive, and maybe then he could be able to go back into his room and to his well-deserved self-hatred.

“Hey, Peter. What’s up, man? I missed you this morning, any reason in particular you missed jogging?”
“Not really, Sam. I was just exhausted from last night, you know? It was a lot, and my legs couldn’t handle it anymore, so I figured I’d give them a rest for a day.”

In his defense, he wasn’t entirely lying. Peter was exhausted, but it definitely wasn’t for the events of the previous night. His body could very well handle that and so much more, but he was too mentally exhausted to face Sam.

“That’s fair.”
“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with skipping a day, right?”
“So, kid, you cooking lunch today?”
“Uhh, no, not really, I have some things to do, I have to figure out some science-y things for school.”
“Huh, I thought you were in summer vacation.”

Of course Peter had forgotten about that. This time that excuse wouldn’t work. He used to pull it off when he lived with May, but this time he couldn’t use it, and he hated himself for being dumb enough to not notice.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, I didn’t mean for class or anything, that would be stupid, right? Uhm, it’s something for Ned, he’s been doing this physics thing with a specialized school, and he asked for my help, so I just thought I’d use lunch time to help him.”
“What about lunch? You gotta eat something, don’t you think?”
“I had a big breakfast not so long ago, I kinda slept in and was really hungry when I woke up, so I figured I’d have some sort of brunch.”
“Okay, then we’ll see you for dinner? Natasha’s cooking.”
“Yeah, that sounds great!”
“See you later, kid. Gotta work on some stuff with Rhodes.”
“Bye, Sam!”

It was getting ridiculously easy to lie to everyone around him. Peter couldn’t lie, it was kind of exhilarating to do so, it was amazing to know he was finally doing something right to get to his goal. Telling Tony that he wouldn’t be having lunch with them would definitely be a challenge. After all, Peter had just told him that he’d be there, so it would be suspicious to back out. One thing he didn’t realize about lying is that they soon catch up, and it’s hard to keep track of them.

Peter didn’t know how else to skip lunch other than lying to Sam, he panicked when the man asked him about jogging and how he needed to eat, so he found a quick lie and went with it. The first thing he saw when stepping into Tony’s lab were the scattered tools and gadgets laid all over the floor.

It seemed like he was working on something for his suit, but he didn’t really understand much of it. Tony hadn’t really shared much about it with him, and it was understandable. After all, many people had tried to steal his designs, and Peter didn’t think he’d share it with a teen that may slip some details away.

“Hey, Pete, fancy seeing you here.”
“Hi, Mr. Stark.”
“What are you up to, huh? Anything interesting going on today?”
“It’s barely midday, but kinda? Ned called me and asked for help in some physics stuff, I thought I’d help him in an hour or so? He said he was going out for lunch with his parents, so he said he’d call me after it.”
“What about your lunch? Haven’t you realized these people like to eat lunch around that time?” “You know, I had a big breakfast a while ago, so I’m not really that hungry.”
“That’s weird, I didn’t see any plates this morning.”
“Yeah, I figured I’d clean everything up myself. So… I have to go now, but for sure I’ll see you at dinner. Goodbye, Mr. Stark!”
____________________

It was truly unbelievable how long the team took to finish eating. At exactly 1pm Peter heard Natasha call to lunch, and he could also hear Steve and Wanda asking about his whereabouts. Thankfully, Sam and Tony filled everyone in on his lies, and apparently everyone accepted it just fine.

Peter wouldn’t ever admit it, but there was a part of him that was disappointed about how easily everyone assumed that nothing was wrong with him. He was very determined to lose the weight, and he knew how not okay he was, and the unhealthiness of his ways, but it still hurt that no one noticed.

Peter wanted someone to realize how much he was struggling, and he wanted someone to know that he hated himself every single second of the day. Maybe he wanted help. Peter was not an idiot, and he knew that pulling at his skin every moment he was alone and measuring his wrists so all of his fingers would overlap with his thumb wasn't normal.

He knew that those were clear indicators of his disorder. It pained him to know that no one paid enough attention to him to notice these things. On the long run it would be fine. He would come to terms with it, and it would be easier to skip meals, knowing no one would notice.

At 3pm Peter heard everyone picking up their plates and congratulating Natasha for the great meal. It was disappointing that he wasn’t there to see it; after their talk of Peter being Spider-Man, he felt closer to her, and he wanted to get to know her, but that would have to be later.

Now that everyone cleared the main building, Peter felt safe enough to go to the gym in the official building. He knew that no one would disturb him there, and he also knew that if someone were to enter, he’d sense them coming and lower the intensity of his workout. Peter was fully intending to push his body to its limits, he wanted to know how much he could actually do and how he could maximize his powers; no one was supposed to know about it.
____________________

When Peter entered the private part of the building, he felt a sense of peace he didn’t know he was missing. He had obviously worked out with the purpose of losing weight before, but this time was different. Before, it was an addition to his diet; but now, it was something he felt he had to do in order to not fail.

The first thing he did once he got there was step right into the treadmill. He had never been certain about his speed abilities, but if he had to bet, he’d say he was pretty fast. Starting out slow, he thought that maybe his body couldn’t uphold the pace after what he had been pulling off lately, but he was incredibly wrong.

It was almost painful to walk so slow, and he was now at 8mph. Without any fear, he pushed the buttons to the highest setting, and it was only a mere 40mph. He was actually running, but it was in no way or circumstance a challenge to him or his body.

As he continued running at that pace, he realized he would have to talk to Tony about it. The man wasn’t really all that aware of the extents of his powers; hell, Peter wasn’t aware of them either, so there was no way he could help Peter actually maximize his abilities. There was now a debate going on inside his head about whether to tell Tony about how he needed a better treadmill and overall workout equipment, or to just ignore it and continue the way it was. For now, he chose to keep quiet, maybe later he’d muster up the courage to talk to him.

After facing the disappointment of the treadmill, he went on to the weightlifting machines. There weren’t many expectations, but he kinda wished it worked. He saw that the maximum weight was 10tons, and it seemed like a lot, but he wasn’t sure.

When he saw that he could easily lift it, Peter felt a mix of disappointment and pride. Tony must have designed workout equipment for Steve’s and Bucky’s abilities. After all, they were the enhanced ones in the Compound. It made him wonder if he was stronger than them, but that was way too far-fetched for Peter to even consider.

After realizing that working out there wasn’t helping his weight loss much, he reluctantly accepted that it would have to be enough for now. The sun was starting to set, and he knew he had to get out of there soon if he wanted to be there for dinner. Obviously, he wasn’t planning on eating, but he had told both Sam and Tony that he’d be there, so he had to make good on his promise so that he wouldn’t arise suspicion.

Heading out of the business building was a challenge on its own, and Peter was scared he’d be seen. Ever since Natasha found out about him and his superhero persona, he had become paranoid about anyone else finding out. He wasn’t wearing his suit, but it would certainly be weird for someone to see a teenager exiting what was probably one of the most secure buildings in the country. As far as he was aware, no one noticed him, so he got to his room and took a shower, after which he made his way to the main kitchen, trying to put on the best face to confront the so dreaded dinner.
____________________

If it weren’t for the nauseous feeling that was building up in his throat, Peter would be more than pleased to be there. The familiarity of having everyone gather around for dinner was something that Peter really appreciated. With May having to work hard hours, they rarely sat down to have a proper dinner; but here, he felt like this was home, and it was nice. Regardless, the smell of food made him want to scream. He had been avoiding it for the entire day, and right now, it made him feel queasy.

“Hey, Peter! We missed you today! How did your thing go, with Ned, I think he’s called?”
“Oh, hi. I’m sorry I skipped lunch with you guys, I was very busy helping Ned.”
“So how did it go, kid?”
“It was good, Mr. Stark, but we still have stuff to do, so I don’t think I’ll stay for dinner, I ate a sandwich earlier, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure, Peter?”

Natasha’s accusing look was something he would never get used to. Tony’s gaze had a hint of buffoonery in it. Peter knew that his intent was a serious one, but he thought that most of the time it wasn’t that serious, and that he wanted to lighten up the mood. But with Natasha, it was different. She had this terrifyingly piercing look, and it felt like she looked straight through his soul.

“Yeah, Peter, if you want, I can help you out with it.”
“That’s okay, Bruce, but thank you! I’ll see you all tomorrow!”

Just like he did earlier, Peter left the room before anyone could tell him anything else, or worse, question his eating. He was proud of having skipped every meal, but the mere mention of food was getting triggering. It felt like everyone was trying to get him to eat, and he desperately didn’t want to. He had to plan everything for the next day, so he could avoid eating again.

Back into his room, Peter decided to write down everything he needed in his computer. It wasn’t the smartest decision to write it down in a notebook where it could easily be seen by anyone in his room, so he chose the privacy of technology. Granted, Tony could hack into it, but Peter made it his utmost responsibility to avoid rising any suspicion that would make the man feel the need of getting into his computer.

With that in mind, the first thing he wrote down where the lies he’d tell anyone who asked. For breakfast, he’d say that he had eaten after jogging. Even if he ran into Sam, he could do the same exact thing he did when he first arrived to the Compound. He would fake his breakfast; so, for tomorrow, he chose to make some toast and already sliced up fruit. Even if he wanted to fake what he ate, he couldn’t put any food to waste, it just wasn’t how he was raised.

For lunch, he’d say that he had eaten a big snack after breakfast. Maybe he could go to the main kitchen when no one was there and take out some containers. He would leave them on the counters, and maybe they would believe that he had eaten something.

He could take out some chips and fruit, maybe ham and cheese, and if he was feeling brave enough, he would take out peanut butter and jelly. Peter wasn’t at all concerned about dinner. He was planning on going on patrol, so Tony would have to figure out those lies if anyone asked about his whereabouts. It was the perfect plan, and nothing could go wrong.
____________________

When morning came, Peter was scared about failing, and he feared that his lies wouldn’t work, but he couldn’t have any doubts now, there was no time to fix it. He did, in fact, run into Sam, and they jogged together for two hours. Differently from most days, the man left before Peter, saying he had to go out early and run some errands.

It worked perfectly for Peter. He could now peacefully set the perfect scene in the kitchen, and Sam would be none the wiser. After all, he knew that a while ago the man had caught up on some of his habits, so Peter had to take special care into fooling not only him, but also Tony and Natasha. It was getting hard to keep track of everyone he was lying to.

Lunch went smoothly, too. He didn’t dare go to the main kitchen when everyone was being called, fearing someone would notice. But he was relieved when he heard Tony ask who had left everything out in the counters, and Wanda replying that he had seen Peter enter the building at around 11:30am.

Bruce had made lunch that day, and it pained Peter to know he wouldn’t be there to taste his food. He had never had the chance, and he regretted missing it, but it was for the better; it was for him to be better. To pull off his lie, he texted Tony saying that he wouldn’t be joining them for dinner due to the fact that he had already eaten, and that it had made him ever so slightly nauseous. The man replied asking if he was alright, to what Peter replied with a simple affirmation and a smiley face.

After a while sitting in his room thinking, Peter heard everyone standing up from the dining table and thanking Bruce for the meal. He had spent the time regretting every bite he had ever taken, and every food he had ever eaten. Peter felt every inch of his body, and it was severely uncomfortable. His stomach constantly rumbled, and he felt very dizzy, to the point where his sight was beginning to blur; it was concerning, but not enough to stop him.

When his phone alerted him that it was 4pm, he immediately put on his suit. There was an alarm put in place at that time so that he could spend enough time in Queens and keep his promise to Tony. With a simple text to Tony with a spider emoji, Peter told him he’d be going out, and the man simply replied with a ‘take care’. It was finally time for him to stop pretending and truly be himself.
____________________

Peter was feeling very lightheaded, and the blurriness was starting to get dangerous, but he wasn’t backing down now. He wanted to be useful. After all, that was the whole purpose of trying to be better and to have a fitter body. His sharpness had massively increased after the bite, but his senses were pretty much off, and he wasn’t quick enough to avoid crashing into a building.

Thankfully, he was already in Queens, and the wall where he crashed was made of bricks, instead of glass. That would’ve been a huge mess Peter did not want to deal with. It wasn’t unexpected that his landing was anything but graceful, but Peter was infinitely grateful that the surface in which he landed wasn’t too far down from where he crashed.

“Peter, you have a mild concussion, I recommend you stay down, and not move for a while, as to avoid any unnecessary movement of your head and neck.”
“I’m okay, Karen, really, but thanks!”
“I’m programmed to inform Mr. Stark of any injuries.”
“No! Please don’t tell him. I’m not injured, really. See?”

After the AI didn’t respond, a smile unexpectedly plastered across Peter’s face, and he continued his way through the streets of Queens. The afternoon was going on very similarly to most of his patrol nights. He was helping people with directions and stopping robberies. Thankfully, he hadn’t encountered any attempted murders; that would bring back disastrous memories.

The one thing that was different was his focus and steadiness. He was trying to slow down, so that he wouldn’t crash into any more buildings, but it was hard for him to stop. Peter didn’t want to think about what could happen if he didn’t get in time to someone who needed his help.

The night was going great, aside from the several times he had to hold onto something to regain his balance so that he wouldn’t fall down; it made him feel useful and worthy. He knew he could do better, but for now, this was his best. It only motivated him more to push himself to try harder.

At around 9:30pm Peter felt like his world was spinning way faster than it should, and he felt too cold, regardless of how warm that summer night was. He decided to take a break, and he stopped on top of the building where he used to live with May. Without really realizing, his body collapsed, and everything went dark.
____________________

Peter wasn’t sure if he was dreaming, or if his mind was just messing with him again, but he was starting to regain his consciousness and recognize where he was. This was Queens; he vividly recognized the surroundings. He also recognized how dry his mouth was; it was obvious it had been way too long since he last drank something. The one thing he was just starting to notice was a voice yelling at him.

“What the hell, Peter? What’s going on?”
“Hey, Mr. Stark.”
“That’s all you have to say for yourself? Not very fun getting a message from Karen saying you fainted on top of a building in Queens. What’s going on, Pete?”
“Nothing, Mr. Stark, I swear I’m okay, I just tripped.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Parker. Happy’s on his way to pick you up, we’ll talk here.”
“Seriously, there’s no need, I promise I’m fine. I think I forgot to drink water before going out, I’m probably dehydrated, but I’m seriously okay.”

Peter knew that, even though most people thought that that was Tony's angry voice, the man was just concerned. Regardless, the way his voice sounded through the comms in his suit made him slightly doubtful. What he said wasn’t a lie, his body lacked every possible nutrient, and it was sucking everything it could, effectively dehydrating him, so he was technically not deceiving Tony.

“I’ll ring up Happy, tell him to turn back. You better explain yourself when you get home. This can never happen again, you hear me?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I’ll be back soon, I promise.”
____________________

It was definitely not his best night, and the return home felt just was bad as his entire afternoon did. Multiple times he was close to crashing into buildings in Manhattan, and then up north, he could swear there were still leaves around his suit from the several trees’ branches he crushed into when he was getting closer to the Compound.

Thankfully, it was now within his eyesight, and he just wanted to lie down. His head was spinning, and he swore he could collapse any minute now. Finally, the tree that separated the left building from the main one was in sight, but, upon landing, his foot slipped, and he fell down to the ground, hitting his ribs hard. At first, he didn’t notice, but when his eyes finally focused, he could see the entire team standing in front of him looking down, without a word coming out of their mouths.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Notes:

Hey guys! I'm sorry I didn't post this earlier, it's been a hard week; but it's here now! I'm always open to kind suggestions and comments. Please let me know if I got too descriptive with eating disorders and depression. I felt like it was important, but I also don't want to trigger anyone.

I will finally go back and correct grammar and overall language mistakes of previous chapters, so please let me know if you think there's anything you'd like to see change.

Let me know what you think! I love reading your comments and suggestions.
I hope everyone has a nice rest of the week and a great weekend!

Chapter 13: there's no more trying

Summary:

TW// Anxiety and eating disorder behaviors.

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Fear and terror clouded Peter’s consciousness, and panic took over his body. He knew that everyone would eventually find out about his alternate persona, but this was neither the time nor place that he would’ve chosen for them to know. Everything and everyone stood still for a moment, almost like time froze and Peter was the only one aware of what was going on.

Steve and Sam’s face expressed utter confusion, while Bucky’s usually stoic expression was now filled with evident surprise. Wanda’s reaction was surprisingly unreadable. Peter could’ve sworn there was a hint of excitedness mixed with confusion, but it was honestly difficult to tell. On the other hand, Rhodey seemed to know already; Peter couldn’t really read any other emotion other than satisfaction, but the man had pretty indecipherable expressions.

It was an actual surprise to Peter how Natasha very evidently smirked, much unlike her usual illegible expression. He knew that she already knew about his being Spider-Man, but Peter thought she would hide it. Now that he focused his sight on Tony he couldn’t really tell if the man was mad, relieved, or stressed. Each of those options were understandable, but Peter didn’t want to know; he didn’t want to know anything right now, he just wanted to leave and avoid the conversation.

Sanity was leaving Peter's body along with any remaining energy he had left in his body. He just couldn’t deal with this right now, he had to get out of there. Without any hesitation, he webbed to the nearest branch with a direct access to the right side of the left building and didn’t look back, regardless of Steve and Tony calling out to him. As he entered his room Peter felt his initially mental panic turn into a much more physical one.

“FRIDAY, soundproof the room, lock it, make it go away.”

The AI didn’t respond, but Peter knew she had followed his command. With a false sense of safety, Peter began pacing around his room, and it was getting way too annoying how frequent this was. Millions of thoughts were running through his mind, and they were mostly about what he was going to do now. He had absolutely no idea at all, no answers, no solutions. He had talked to Tony about telling them, but they hadn’t really prepared for it in any way, shape, or form. It would’ve been ideal for them to have a plan, and some thoroughly prepared answers, but this was anything but that.

What were they all doing out there, anyway?
What would they think of him now?
Will they hate him for what happened in Germany?
Did they think him weak for losing against them?
Did they know about the issue with Tony’s plane?
What was going to happen now?
Was he going to be part of the Accords?

There were just so many thoughts; it was all too much, and his body couldn’t take it anymore. Peter felt it coming, and it had only happened once before; but right now, he was out of control and his body went into full overload.

His clothes suddenly felt way too small for his body, and they were trapping him, leaving no space for him to escape. Everything was too much, and his brain couldn’t process any of it. Ever since he was bitten and experienced this overload for the first time, Peter had learned that he should try to focus on one thing at the time.

At first it had worked just fine, it took him a couple of minutes, but he managed it. This time it just wasn’t happening for him. He was trying to focus his eyes on the loveseat under the TV, but they weren’t cooperating. He also tried to count the fingers in his hand, but his vision was a joke, and it was very blurry, almost blinding.

There was virtually nothing he could do, the colors around him were all blending together, and whatever sound did get in the room was turning into a mortifyingly high pitch that was loudly ringing in his ears. Merely standing up was painful, it felt like a million tiny swords were constantly embedded into his feet, and it was getting too hard to handle.

Any rational thought had left him, leaving his body to fend for itself. His arms moved on their own, and suddenly his world was upside down. He could barely recognize his surroundings, but if he was sure of anything, it was that he was near the bathroom door and that he was upside down on the corner of the room.

His thoughts were too loud, and the world around him wouldn’t stop spinning. He distinctively recognized a loud bang noise, and he also registered a very sharp pain in his upper back, along with the so annoying tiny swords that were almost poking laugh at his pain.

This was it; he was going to die, this must be what dying felt like. Peter felt his throat closing and his heart rapidly beating. In a desperate attempt to regain some of the air his lungs had lost, Peter let out a loud scream that he could’ve sworn brought blood out of his ears. It just didn’t stop. Everything around him was now pain and screams, and there was just nothing else.

A strong set of hands held Peter’s shoulders and it felt like they had caught on fire. It wasn’t an easy sensation to explain, but it felt too loudly. It was comforting to have someone at his side, but his body was screaming at him to set himself free from the hold.

“Please, stop, please don’t touch me.”
“What’s going on, kid? Talk to me.”
“Don’t touch me, please.”
“I’m not letting you go, Peter, what’s happening?”
Don’t fucking touch me.

It wouldn’t normally be in Peter’s nature to snap out at anyone, but his instincts took over, and he felt like his body was ready to attack. As soon as Tony's grip grew stronger, Peter felt the fire spreading, and it was just excruciatingly painful. Speaking was hard, and it felt like he couldn't breathe, but he hoped Tony would understand what he was trying to say.

Eleven.

After that last whisper, the man let go of his shoulders and Peter found relief. Tears were streaming down his face, and it all was still too much; but Tony’s presence made it safe, and he could feel the fire dying down and the swords backing away in defeat.

His mind had never been so clouded, and he still had no clue what was going to happen; but his body was demolished, and there wasn’t even an ounce of energy left in him. His stomach was empty, and his limbs were now the consistency of jell-o, or at least that’s what they felt like. Not really knowing how or when, the next thing Peter knew was that he was lying on his bed, a cover over his body, and unconsciousness taking over him.
________ . ________

This was not how he planned the day to go. It was already concerning to receive a notification from Karen saying that Peter had collapsed during patrol. It took all of the strength Tony had within him to stop himself from going and picking up the kid; but he was actively trying to be more trusting of Peter, so he chose to stay in the Compound, waiting for the kid to return. With everything that had just happened, Tony knew it was the wrong decision. If he had gone to pick Peter up, the team wouldn’t have seen him, and they wouldn’t have to deal with this.

Seeing Peter in pain was excruciating to Tony. There wasn’t really anything he could do, he had never seen that before, whatever that was. When the kid muttered the word ‘eleven’ Tony immediately let go of the grip he had on his shoulders. He vaguely remembered when he first met Peter and he had told him about how his senses had been dialed to eleven when the spider bit him, and that must be what was happening.

When he saw that Peter was starting to calm down, and that he stopped holding his head so hardly, Tony felt his own panic start to die down. It was when Peter fell asleep in his lap that Tony realized how huge of a responsibility taking care of Peter was. He wasn’t complaining at all, but it was very daunting to think that he was playing a huge part in the kid’s well-being.

Tony wouldn’t admit this to anyone, not even to himself, but seeing Peter finally fall asleep and stop suffering made his heart warm up in a way it had never before. Now he had to deal with everything else, and it was something he wasn’t looking forward to.
____________________

As he made his way to the main living room, Tony started getting a weird sense of anxiety. There was nothing he could do now, everyone knew about Peter’s secret identity and there was no hiding it; but he had no idea how everyone would take the news, and that scared him, for Peter’s safety’s sake. When he entered the room every small talk stopped, everyone turning their heads to look at Tony. Awkwardness was more than evident, and Tony could sense that everyone was about to burst with questions, but he wasn’t having any of it. This would be on his terms, and his terms only.

“Let me get something out, and I hope I won’t have to repeat myself. There will be ground rules about this situation, and those are nonnegotiable. First and foremost, no one, and I mean no one is to bother Peter until he comes out of the building on his own.”
“We’ll take the rooms upstairs.”

Rhodey spoke up and Bruce nodded in agreement. Tony had never been so grateful before; he was glad that the men understood what was going on and adjusted. It felt safe how they were willing to back him up and support Peter in times like this, it was comforting.

“If he doesn’t bring up the subject himself, don’t do it. There will be no mention of Spider-Man unless it comes out of his mouth. Last, but definitely not least, no one will mention Peter’s name and Spider-Man in the same sentence. This remains inside this room, and it can’t get out, his identity remains secret, at all costs.”

Everyone seemed to silently agree. There were no protests on anyone’s side and Tony took that as a win. He was mostly worried about what they thought about Peter being part of the fight in Germany. He had had his doubts when recruiting him, but he trusted the kid’s abilities and instincts; and, so far, he wasn’t wrong to have chosen him.

“I see everyone’s dying to ask, so, shoot.”
“How old is he?”

Steve’s question had a hint of guilt in his tone. Tony vividly remembers what happened in Leipzig, so it came as no surprise. Regardless of how busy he was while fighting them, Tony tried to keep an eye on him, and he saw when he was fighting Steve, and damn well holding his own.

“15, soon to be 16. Don’t go looking me like that, he can very well handle his own, as I’m sure Barnes and Wilson already know.”

The two men looked down in shock, almost as if they didn’t believe that a teenager beat their asses. If the situation wasn't so serious, Tony would've definitely grinned with pride. He had taken Peter under his wing, and it was most satisfying to see that he was able to outwit professionals.

“What were you thinking, Tony? Bringing a kid to a fight like that?”

Tony simply shrugged, there was no explanation that would sound logical in anyone's ears. But Steve’s expression suddenly turned into a weird one, he was definitely taken aback.

“Oh my god, I threw an airport container on top of a kid.”
“Excuse me, you did what?”
“You were the one who brought him to Germany, don’t go blaming me.”
“You’re all missing the point. What does he do, exactly?”

Rhodey’s voice was a very welcome change in the tone of the conversation. If he continued discussing it with Steve, it could very easily turn into a fight he did not want to get into. If there was anything the past days had proved was that Rhodey was the voice of reason in the team.

“Yeah, what are his powers, exactly?”

Sam’s intervention came as no surprise, either. Knowing that the kid had beaten him and a super soldier must’ve struck his ego, and once again, Tony felt proud of Peter.

“Enhanced senses, augmented speed and strength, and superhuman reflexes, as far as we know.”
“Just how powerful is he?”
“Yet to be seen, Barnes.”
“Why is he staying here?”

Clint had asked the exact same question when he had first introduced Peter to the team, but now there was no way he could casually drop a half-answer. Back then, Tony wanted to avoid any attention that Peter didn't want, and giving out information about him was definitely along those lines, but now he couldn't really protect him anymore.

“His aunt is in Europe and there was nowhere else he could stay, not that I mind.”
“Where are his parents?”

Regardless of being the Hulk, Bruce had always had a soft side to him, and seeing him speak in such a soft voice, clearly not stressed about Peter’s vigilante self, was refreshing and comforting. Instead of focusing on Spider-Man, Bruce was thinking about Peter, and Tony had to remind himself to thank him later for it.

“They died, and so did his uncle; he lives with his aunt, so now that she had to leave for a couple of years, he’s staying with us.”
“Is he an official Avenger? Is he going to be a part of the Accords?”
“No, to either of the questions. He is to remain out of any official business.”
“So, he won’t be going with us to missions?”
“I thought you were against a young Avenger, Cap.”
“He’s got impressive skills.”
“Yes, he does. For the time being, he won’t be an official member of the team. Any other question?”
“Who else knows?”
“Well, Rhodey, there’s Pepper and Happy; also a very nerdy friend of his. As of recently, Natasha became aware of the situation, and now you lot.”
“How come neither of you didn’t say anything to us?”
“It was none of your business, Steve, it was his choice to make.”

After Natasha's support, everyone started settling down, and stopped asking questions. The silence wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable; but there was the implicit collective thought about what would happen when they saw Peter again, when he came out of the room. It couldn’t have been more than 15 minutes, but everyone started saying their goodnights and making their way into the right building. Rhodey and Bruce took the stairs and left; leaving Tony alone to collect his thoughts.

The conversation went better than he thought it would. There weren’t many expectations about it, but he was glad everyone seemed to accept it just fine. Tony was concerned about Peter, though. His stay in the Compound had been perfectly fine; or so he perceived. But now that they knew that Peter was Spider-Man, things could get complicated, and he wasn’t sure how Peter would deal with it.

He knew that the kid was strong, in every possible sense of the word. But Tony also knew that he had been through a lot, and he wanted to shield him from any further pain; it was frustrating to know how limited his options were. There wasn’t much else he could do for now, so Tony opted for going to bed in the left building. He didn’t get much sleep, but he would have a sleepless night any time if it meant that Peter was taken care of.
____________________

As morning came, Tony was hit with the reality of Peter’s secret having gotten out. Most of the time he was ready to deal with whatever bullet was thrown at him, but this had caught him off-guard. His focus, though, remained on Peter; so, the first thing he did after quickly showering was going downstairs to make breakfast for the kid. As far as he was aware, Peter hadn’t eaten anything since the previous day’s snack, and he must’ve been hungry. He wasn’t the best cook, Tony knew that, but he thought he did a decent job putting together scrambled eggs and a slightly burnt toast.

At exactly 9am Tony was entering Peter’s room, tray in hand; hoping to see the kid awake and in a slightly better shape. He was disappointed to see that wasn’t the case, seeing that he was awake, but in a very similar state that he was the day after Sophie died. He was lying very straight in his bed, with his eyes locked on the ceiling, almost as if he was lost in thought and the ceiling provided him with a feasible escape from reality.

“Hey, Pete, how you feeling?”
“Good morning, Mr. Stark.”

After acknowledging his presence, Peter quickly sat down and looked directly at him. But, if his eyes didn’t fail him, it seemed like he was still fairly dizzy, as he blinked harshly, and his whole body seemed to almost lean back enough to think that he’d fall back to bed.

“How are you, kid?”
“How bad was it?”
“Not that bad, actually, you missed a pretty nice chat with the team.”
“How did they take it?”
“It was shocking at first, but they’re fine; honestly, they’re impressed. Sam and Barnes were definitely shocked to know you were the one who kicked their asses in Germany.”
“Oh, god."
“What’s gonna happen now?”
“Now you’re gonna eat breakfast, you must be hungry. Eat up, kid.”

There wasn’t any clear reason that Tony could think of for why panic flashed across Peter’s eyes when he put the tray closer to him. Maybe he was still concerned about the whole thing with everyone else and couldn’t stomach anything; god knows that had happened to him one too many times.

“No, Mr. Stark, really, I’m fine; I just don’t feel like eating.”
“Okay, Pete, I understand; but you’ll have to come out for dinner.”
“Is it okay if I stay here for today? I don’t know how I’ll be able to face everyone.”
“Sure thing, kid, the building is yours for the day.”
“What about Rhodey and Dr. Banner?”
“They slept on the building next-door, they offered, to give you space.”
“That’s really not necessary, Mr. Stark. I’m so sorry, it’s really okay, they shouldn’t have given up their space for me.”
“It’s okay, Pete, they offered.”
“So, what happens now?”
“No one will bother you about it, you choose when you’re ready to talk about it, just say the word.”
“Thank you so much, Mr. Stark. I’m really sorry about everything.”
“Don’t sweat it, kid. See you for dinner?”
“Sure, I’ll be there.”
____________________

Being back in a lab was really cathartic to Tony. It was his safe space, and it was there where he had total control of what happened. Ever since he received the notification from Karen about Peter’s faint spell, Tony had immediately started to think of options of possible enhancements to his suit, so that it could prevent any other incidents in the future. He thought about many things, but there wasn’t much he could put in the suit that would make sure the kid would be in a good physical condition.

All that came to mind were ways in which the suit could take note of how his body was and if levels were keeping steady. That wouldn’t ensure much, though. If Tony had learned anything about Peter in the time he’d known him is that, much like him, he was very stubborn, and wouldn’t accept help when needed. So, the reminders that would pop up in the suit telling the kid that he needed to rest or to eat would probably be ignored. It was very frustrating, not knowing what to do; but he’d have to discuss it with Peter; he couldn’t do this by himself.

The sound of the buzz at the door of the lab startled Tony. Steve was pretty much the only one who went to the lab looking for him, and actually rang to enter. To his surprise, Natasha stood on the other side of the door. It was pretty obvious to Tony why she was there, but it was still uncommon to see her in his lab.

“What’s up?”
“Hey, Tony, how’s it going? What are you up to?”
“Oh, you know, nothing fancy, dealing with this whole thing.”
“How is he?”
“Not great.”

Tony didn’t want to share much about Peter’s reaction, mostly out of respect for the kid’s privacy; but also because he didn’t want anyone to bother him unless he was ready to face the questions. After all, this whole deal was about Peter, and he had to be in charge of how it was dealt with.

“It was pretty ballsy of you to take on everyone’s questions.”
“Someone had to do it.”
“Still, I think it’s nice of you. What do you think happens now with Spider-Man?”
“How so?”
“I know he goes out regularly. Do you think everyone will try to interfere?”
“They better not. The kid knows what he’s doing, and he’s great at it.”
“I bet he is. Are you working on something for him?”
“Yes, last night he fainted back in Queens, and I want to add something to his suit so, if there’s a next time, we’ll be prepared.”
“Huh, that’s… weird.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s supposed to be enhanced, right? It’s weird his body failed him; don’t you think?”
“He was probably just tired; these past weeks have been complicated and his body probably took the full weight of adjusting to living here.”
“Peter didn’t have lunch or dinner yesterday.”
“Sure he did, he said he ate something beforehand, he was helping Ned and ate in-between calls with him.”
“You’re wrong, Tony. I’ve been keeping an eye on him since he told me who he is. He didn’t eat anything at all yesterday. Probably why he fainted.”
“That doesn’t make sense at all. And even if he didn’t eat anything, the kid works out a lot, his body was probably exhausted. What are you getting at?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Tony, but it seems like Peter has been having issues with food.”
“What issues, exactly?”

He was starting to get annoyed at her. If she was right, Tony would be failing, and he did not want to accept that thought. On the other hand, if what she was hinting at was true, Tony would have no clue what to do.

“Don’t you think it’s weird how he’s avoiding food and mealtimes?”
“That’s ridiculous, he hasn’t been doing that; you’re just imagining it.”
“I’ll leave it up to you, but I’m concerned about him; and I know I’m not the only one.”
“Thank you, Nat, but I think I know the kid well enough.”
“See you later, Tony.”

As she was leaving the room Tony stopped working on Peter’s suit and plopped down on one of the puff seats. Could it be true? He had noticed that Peter had lost weight since he first met him; but Tony didn’t think anything of it. There was no way they were right about this. Peter was always happy at mealtimes, and it seemed like he was enjoying himself.

If Tony didn’t know him, he’d think he was lying. But, as far as he could tell, Peter hated lying, and he wasn’t very good at it. When Sam first approached him with the same concern, Tony thought it was ridiculous. After all, he saw Peter eat sushi and pizza that day. Granted, he found him on his bathroom with his fist all bloodied, but he said it was because he tripped. Was that a lie, too?

The lack of answers was beginning to drive Tony crazy, so he chose to block the thoughts out and focus on dinner. Thai food was something Peter thoroughly enjoyed, it held a special place in his heart, as he usually shared it with his aunt. Maybe this was the way he could test the theory and prove everyone wrong.

Immediately, Tony called his favorite Thai restaurant and placed a very large order. After that, he sent out an alert for everyone except Peter that dinner was already taken care of, and that it’d be served before 7:30pm. Now everything that was left to do was wait.

It was obviously not great that two different people had approached him about Peter’s eating habits; but Tony was determined to see for himself. What terrified him the most was the possibility that they were right. He had no idea how to deal with something like that, he had never seen anything like such in someone close to him.

Should he start researching? Should he tell Pepper? She would surely have a solution and the proper thing to say, she always did. Tony was a methodical thinker, and he knew that there was nothing he could do to determine if he was wrong or right about Peter; so, he spent the rest of the afternoon planning the improvements for Peter’s suit and stressing over what would happen at dinner.
____________________

At 7:15pm everyone was already gathered in the kitchen, helping take the food out of the bags and plating it. The only one who wasn’t there was Peter, and it wasn’t surprising to anyone. Each one of the team had already served their own plate and were already sat down in their respective places. Tony had served Peter’s plate, he didn’t want to risk the chance of the kid serving himself a joke of a portion to avoid eating, so he served him a regular portion and waited for Peter to arrive.

No one had begun eating, all of them evidently waiting for Peter. As if on cue, the kid walked through the doors, and everyone turned their heads to look at him. Now that he could properly look at him, Tony noticed how pale he was, and how his collarbones were sticking out from his shirt.

He hadn’t really picked up on it before, but now that he thought about it, the kid had rarely, if ever, used a short-sleeved shirt since his arrival at the Compound. It wouldn’t be an issue if it weren’t for the fact that those were the only type of shirts he had seen Peter use before he moved in. Tony could see in his face that he wanted nothing more than to turn around and start running full speed in the opposite direction, but he wasn’t about to let that happen.

“Come on, Pete, your food’s already been served. We ordered Thai.”

He wanted to ignore it, he really did; but he immediately saw panic in Peter’s eyes. Tony had known him long enough now, and Peter was doing a great job masking it, but now that he was taking a closer look, it was evident that he wasn’t comfortable.

“Oh, you didn’t have to, thanks.”

Peter proceeded to sit down and start messing with the food in his plate. Everyone was already eating and praising how good it was, chatting among themselves, and overall having a good time. Tony really tried his best to act as if he wasn’t actively looking at Peter eating, and he hoped it wasn’t too evident; but it was inevitable. He was now fixated on the possibility of Peter having issues. His thoughts were interrupted by a certain voice that he didn’t expect to hear at all.

“So, you’re the Spider-Man, huh? Way to beat up our asses, who would’ve thought?”

If Tony wasn’t about to stand up and slap Sam across the face, he was damn near to doing so. He had specifically asked them to not mention anything to Peter about it, and here he was, doing the opposite thing.

Everyone stopped talking when they heard the man speak, and they all had a mix of concern and curiosity in their faces. They were obviously worried about Tony’s reaction to Sam carelessly doing the one thing he asked them not to do; but they wanted to hear Peter, too. After all, he was Spider-Man, and there was no one better to tell his story than the main character himself.

“Oh, so you picked up on that?”

Peter lightly laughing at Sam’s comment was a relief to Tony, and he felt a bit more relaxed. The kid hadn’t eaten much, but there were some parts of his plate missing, so he must’ve eaten something already.

“Face-slamming after falling off a tree isn’t hard to miss, buddy.”
“I was going for a graceful landing, Clint, but thanks, I guess.”
“So, how did this happen, Peter? How did you get your powers?”
“We were on a school trip to a research center; it was a couple of years ago. They were experimenting on a spider, probably with radioactivity. The spider escaped, I think, and it bit me. The next morning I was full of energy, and I guess that was it.”
“Can you crawl up walls?”
“Uhmm, I think so? Yeah? It’s much easier with the suit that Mr. Stark made for me, but I think I can crawl without it.”
“Just how strong are you?”
“He’d put you to shame, Cap. The kid easily stopped a 3000-pound car coming at 40 miles per hour.”
“I bet, can’t wait to test it out.”
“It’s really nothing too serious, I’m sure I’m not that strong.”
“That’s bullshit, Peter. I always wondered why you never broke a sweat when we’re jogging. You were cheating the whole time, I’m hurt.”
“That’s not cheating, Sam, he’s just stronger than you are.”

The night continued and it all went smoothly. Peter finished his meal within reasonable time, almost at the same time as everyone else; and it seemed like he enjoyed the food, occasionally complimenting the flavors.

After the initial questions and conversation about him being Spider-Man the whole ambience turned into a more comfortable one, and they began talking about Peter’s shenanigans as Queens own superhero. The kid vehemently denied any reference of him as a hero; he obviously didn’t see himself as such.

Peter told them about the churro lady, and how he had met so many nice people while on patrol. He also shared how much he had learned of different cultures by helping tourists around. Everyone was really impressed with him and his actions, it was nice to finally see the kid’s eyes almost gleaming with happiness.

Tony knew he wanted to tell the team about his vigilante persona, he probably didn’t know how; so, life took charge and did it for him. He was clearly relieved, and it was nice to see him act as such. His bubbliness did a fantastic job at diverting the attention from his frail and tiny frame. If Tony hadn’t actively been watching Peter like a hawk all night, he probably wouldn’t have noticed how thin he looked.

“I’m sorry, guys, I’m really tired, I’m gonna head to bed.”
“Oh, Peter, cmon man, you can’t leave us tonight like this, you gotta tell us more about Spider-Man.”
“I’m sorry, Rhodey, maybe tomorrow?”
“Leave him alone, he wants to go to sleep, let him.”

Natasha’s intimidating gaze silenced everyone, and it allowed Peter to finally say his goodnights and make his way to the left building. There was a bit of reassurance in the fact that he had eaten everything he had been served, but there was still doubt in Tony’s mind about Peter’s habits. It was very unlike him to interrupt someone and to avoid a conversation he was already a part of.

Tony continued chatting with everyone about Peter, and how they were all impressed by him; they all said he was a very special kid, and that he’d make an amazing addition to the team. They also talked about the possibility of making him an official member of the Avengers, but Tony told them that he had already offered that to him a couple of months ago, and that he had refused.

Maybe it was time to bring up the topic again, maybe with everyone knowing he would be more inclined to accept the offer. After all, he was already living like an Avenger, so it wouldn’t hurt to be a part of the team. Tony wasn’t really sure how that would play with the Accords situation, but he could think about that later, maybe even talk it over with Steve and Peter.

Everyone started getting up from the table and putting the plates away, some of them making their way upstairs, probably to watch a movie or something. It hadn’t been that long since the first Accords meeting where they were discussing the scenarios in which they were to intervene; but now everyone seemed more comfortable and wanted to spend time with everyone else. It was nice, and Tony attributed greatly to Peter’s being in the Compound, and how he seemed to be a voice of reason, to him at least.

“Hey FRIDAY, you wouldn’t happen to know what Peter was up to, now, would you?”
“Peter is currently vomiting, sir.”

His stomach must’ve had a hard time taking so much food in after having been deprived of it for almost a whole day, so that must be the reason why he was puking, right? Tony made his way to the left building after excusing himself, saying he had to sign some papers to send over to Pepper about a new building.

As he was going up to the second floor, fear engulfed Tony. He wasn’t prepared to face what was happening on the other side of the door. He still had hope that the kid was just not feeling his best, but a voice inside him told him that it was false hope.

As he entered the room, the strong smell of puke reached his nostrils and it made him nauseous, but he pushed through it and continued walking towards the bathroom. He didn’t know what he expected to see but watching Peter fingers deep into his throat shattered every bit of sanity that Tony had within him.

“What the fuck, Peter!?”

Notes:

Hey guys! I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, I had fun writing from Tony's POV again, but let me know what you think!

As always, I'm open to polite suggestions and criticism, let me know if you think there's anything that could be written in a better way.

I also wanted to thank you guys for the kudos and comments. I can't stress enough how encouraging it is to hear your thoughts about the story and how you've been liking it. So, feel free to drop your ideas in the comments!

I hope everyone has a beautiful week ahead of you x.

Chapter 14: time to sort yourself out

Summary:

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It truly went better than he expected it would. There was this weird fear within Peter that everyone would think the worst of him for being Spider-Man. Now that the worst part was over, he realized that it was ridiculous; there was objectively no rational reason for them to hate him. After all, they had already figured things out with Tony, and, in theory, they had already reached an agreement about the first draft of the Accords.

Everyone now knew that Spider-Man and Peter were the same person, and a new kind of fear settled in. They were so accepting of his powers and of who he was, but the future was always unknown; and nothing is more terrifying than that. Peter wondered if they’d want him to join the Avengers, officially. He had thought about it, but it was a scary thought. What if, now that they theoretically knew about his powers, they’d expect more from him than what he was capable of? It was just scary to consider the possibilities.

Peter had finally walked out of the main kitchen. He felt like he was suffocating, like the air around him was slowly disappearing. As he was making his way to his bedroom, he could feel panic building up in his throat. The taste of Thai food was still lingering in his mouth and it disgusted Peter. He couldn’t believe he wasn’t strong enough to shut his mouth and just stop any food from going into his body.

Anxiety was also palpable, and well-known to Peter. He just didn’t know what to do anymore, there weren’t many things he could do about it. He was always surrounded by people, and that didn’t allow him to continue skipping meals. But a bright light lit up in his head, and the greatest idea popped up in his head.

There was no need for him to skip meals and make a big deal out of it. He would, of course, skip as many as he reasonably could; but, when he was sociably forced to eat, he could simply take it out of his body after. Now that the team knew about him being Spider-Man, he needed to be at his best, and he needed to make everyone believe that he was doing okay, and that he was worthy of the powers he received.

Even though he would never really get used to how humongous his room was, the walls were now his enemies. Pacing around, and scratching his left hand just wasn’t enough. He could feel the fat sticking to his hips, and his jeans filling up; it was unbearable and horrifying.

Peter knew that he had to be smart about this, otherwise he’d end up fucking up again, and he couldn’t afford it. With that in mind, Peter took out his scale and stepped on top of it. Surprisingly, the number was lower; even after having just eaten a shit ton of food.

It felt like his life depended on it, so Peter immediately took to his notebook and wrote down the new number. It was nice to see the number go lower, but he couldn’t let his guard down, he couldn’t risk the number going up again, he had to do more.

Peter had done this many times before, but it felt different this time, and it was hard for him to pinpoint why. Maybe it was because everyone already knew about him, but he couldn’t ever be sure. He couldn’t back down, though. It had already been long enough since he had his last bite, and Peter worried the food had already been digested, that he couldn’t fix his mistake.

Going into the bathroom and kneeling in front of the toilet was something familiar, but, never not bizarre. It felt safe, but he knew it was also dangerous. Peter felt like gambling, and, in his eyes, he was winning. When his fingers hit the back of his throat, ironically, Peter felt like he could breathe again. It was a very strange feeling, when your throat is being blocked but feeling relieved.

It took a couple of attempts to get the food to come up, but, when it did, it felt like magic. His thoughts were cut short by what probably was his worst nightmare. When he heard Tony’s voice, Peter immediately panicked. How did that happen? Why didn’t he hear the man coming into the room? It was all wrong and confusing, and it frustrated Peter.

“What the fuck, Peter?!”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark, I know this seems bad; but it’s not what it looks like, I promise.”
“Then what is it, huh? What lie could you possibly come up with to cover this up?”

Peter had seen Tony mad before. This was different, it was a very terrifying mixture of anger, sadness and concern; and it was hard to distinguish between the three sentiments. Peter hoped that Tony wouldn't know about this, at least not so soon, but now he had to face the consequences.

“I swear I’m not lying, Mr. Stark, truly. I was just feeling sick, and I think I ate too much.”

He saw the man scanning the room and stopping when he saw the scale and the notebook, he was too stupid to leave closed. Now it was probably too hard to conceal what he was trying to do.

“I thought I would feel better if something came out, you know?”
“No, Peter, I don’t.”

There was a long pause where everything seemed to stay still, and like time had stopped moving. Peter had no idea what to take from Tony’s expression. His hands were rubbing against his hairline and eyes, almost like he was trying to figure things out by stretching his skin apart.

“You know what, kid? I can’t deal with this right now.”

Without any other word, Tony left the room, and Peter was left distraught, confused, and heartbroken. There had always been a part of him that wanted someone to know. He wanted someone to care about his struggles, to notice just how much pain he was in, the rational part of him wanted help.

Tony now knew, and it seemed like he didn’t care at all. He had simply walked out, like nothing ever happened, like he hadn’t seen Peter destroying himself. It was just too overwhelming, and he couldn’t deal with this; so, Peter put on his suit and quickly webbed his way out of the building and as far away of the Compound as he could go to.
___________________
If that wasn’t one of the places where he had fucked up the worst, Peter probably wouldn’t have recognized where he landed. It felt almost therapeutic to Peter to sit on top of the Coney Island Cyclone; it was the last place where he last felt like he had done something right. It was a risk, but he was willing to take it; he took off his mask and stared at the horizon.

It was crazy to think that not long ago he was a kid with weird new powers and some colorful pajamas trying to do the best he could. He was grateful to have been part of Tony’s life, and how he helped him be a better Spider-Man.

In all honesty, without the man’s guidance, he would be even more of a mess than he currently was. Regardless of what had just happened, and whatever lied ahead of him now that Tony knew about his habits, he would always be eternally grateful for everything he had done for him.

When he realized that Tony’s plane was Toomes’ target, Peter felt like his one and only purpose was to stop him. Everything else stopped being relevant, now all that mattered was that Tony’s property was kept safe and away from the Vulture’s hands. Now that he thought about it, he had never felt as scared as he did when the plane was crashing. Any rational human being would be terrified and would turn away from the scene immediately; but he didn’t, couldn’t, do that.

The powers he had been given were a privilege, and he couldn’t disappoint the man who had trusted him enough to try and maximize his abilities. When flames surrounded him after the plane crashed, it was panic that took hold of him. He was scared that Tony would be mad at him for crashing his plane.

After all, he should’ve been able to stop the Vulture before it had to get to that point. Despite regretting it, he was proud of himself for being able to keep the arc reactors out of the Vulture’s claws. He didn’t even want to imagine what could’ve happened if he had failed.

It was wild to think how much his life had changed in a matter of weeks. He missed his aunt so so much; things would be easier if May was there by his side. She would definitely know what to do about everything that had happened the past weeks.

A daunting thought invaded Peter’s mind, and it immediately freaked him out. What if Tony told May about seeing him purging? She would lose her mind; and Peter couldn’t do that to her. He had been texting with her a lot, and it was evident that she was having the time of her life. They had even talked about him going to visit her, but it was just vague talk; he hadn’t mentioned anything to Tony.

If there was anything true at all, it was that, if May hadn’t gone to Sweden, Peter would’ve been left defenseless. He wasn’t an idiot, and he knew how much more self-destructive his daily activities would’ve been without everyone at the Compound by his side. Even though he wasn’t the most cheerful person, he still recognized his weaknesses, and he was acutely aware of how dangerous his habits were. It was necessary, though. He had to be better, so it was worth it; all of it was worth it.

As he sat on top of the rollercoaster, Peter’s mind was running through possible scenarios that would play out now that Tony knew about his issues. He had no idea what would happen; but he would have to face the man eventually.

He couldn’t just not return to the Compound. For one, he had nowhere else to go; and if he was honest, he loved living there. But on the other hand, and probably most importantly, Tony would track his suit in a heartbeat, and things would get very uncomfortable for both of them. Tony had promised May that he’d take care of Peter while she was gone; so, even if he didn’t want to, he would have to change his habits.

It was clear to Peter that Tony didn’t really care about what he was doing, but he knew that he had a close relationship with May, and Tony knew just how mad May could get. Peter wondered what would happen in the next 24 hours. They would definitely have the talk, and he only saw two ways in which it could go: they’d end up fighting, or he could comply.

The latter was obviously better, but Peter wasn’t about to give up his intent to be better for this. He just had to act healthy around Tony until his suspicions and fake concern died down; then he’d be free to continue working towards his best self.

Peter wasn’t really keeping track of time; after all, he wanted to get away from the Compound, and he didn’t want to go back anytime soon. Regardless, he got the notification on his suit that it was now 3am, and that he had to go back to the Compound, otherwise one of Tony’s suits would pick him up and take him back. Now, that was something he actively wanted to avoid; it would be devastatingly humiliating.

He took his sweet time making his way upstate, even stopping in some Manhattan rooftops to take a break. He wanted to delay his arrival as long as he could, but he was also out of breath. Exhaustion was taking over his lungs, and they demanded rest. Similarly, the rapid beating of his heart was slightly alarming but especially now he couldn’t take a long pause; he wanted to avoid an Iron Man suit picking him up at all costs.

When the Compound entered his eyesight, Peter realized it was now 4:45am, and the morning was starting. It had taken him way longer than usual to go back to the Compound, but he didn’t regret a second of it; it almost felt like preparation for the disaster that he expected to see. To his surprise, there was only silence. He thought that Tony would be waiting for him in his room, ready to yell at him for being out so late, for purging and for wasting his time. Disappointed, Peter was only greeted by FRIDAY’s uncharacteristically flat voice.

“Good morning, Peter. Mr. Stark asked me to notify you that your scale was taken away, and that he expects you for breakfast at 9am in the kitchen.”
“Thanks, FRIDAY.”

Peter was just exhausted, and he didn’t have the energy to overthink anything that could happen in the kitchen. He just knew that it was going to be difficult, and that it was probably going to put a huge strain on their relationship, but he couldn’t do anything about it now. Lying in bed and holding his knees close to his chest, Peter allowed a couple of silent tears to run down his eyes. He hoped for salvation, but it frightened him; and his mind recognized it, paving the way for a restless sleep.
________ . ________

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Tony to see Peter hurling into the toilet. When Sam first talked about it, Tony had a gut feeling that told him that there was something wrong; that he needed to help Peter. He chose to ignore it, though. It was hard to admit that he had fucked up so badly that he failed to notice that the kid was starving himself. When Natasha approached him with a similar concern, Tony was faced with the truth of the matter, that there was something wrong with Peter.

He hadn’t planned a course of action for the chance that Sam was right. It wasn’t in Tony’s nature to admit defeat, so, coming to terms with the fact that he failed Peter really threw him off his game.

One thing he did know for sure was that yelling at the kid would be counterproductive. Nothing good would come out of that, and whatever he did next would be crucial for Peter’s journey. Tony did want to yell at him. He just didn’t understand how someone so incredibly amazing would destroy himself.

Peter was so damn smart, and it was, in the most literal sense of the word, unbelievable to even think that the kid didn’t know what he was doing. That thought was even more daunting to Tony. If Peter did know the consequences of his actions, that would mean that he was intentionally destroying his body, and that’s a whole other situation that Tony didn’t know how to handle. His emotions were out of control, and he knew he couldn’t take it out on Peter, so he decided that the most rational thing to do was to leave the room to collect his thoughts.

“Hey FRIDAY, do me a solid and keep me updated on Peter’s status. I want to know what he’s up to.”
“Sure thing, boss.”

When he entered his lab, Tony realized the magnitude of the situation. When he first met Peter, he thought that he was a happy, smart kid. Now he wondered if all this time he was just faking it. It was dreadful to think about what more Peter was lying about.

Had he been skipping meals and purging these past weeks? He couldn’t have, though, FRIDAY would’ve definitely alarmed him. Now it was also true that he hadn’t programmed her for such things; he’d have to get on top of that immediately.

“Boss, Peter just left the premises of the Compound headed south with his suit.”
“Let me know if he goes any further down than Middletown.”
“Will do, sir.”

It wasn’t surprising, not in the least. Honestly, Tony thought it was a good thing that Peter had left, they both definitely needed time to think things through and to prepare for the future. It was the perfect opportunity to really see what the kid has been up to.

“Pull up anything you have from Karen and any records of disordered eating while he’s been here.”

Immediately, a bunch of footage appeared in front of him, and it was a whole lot more than he thought it would be. He saw Peter setting up the perfect breakfast scene, and the excessive amount of time he spent exercising. One of the most heartbreaking things Tony saw was Peter purging the night they had pizza.

It was beyond frustrating to know that it was right under his nose, how Peter had been struggling and Tony didn’t notice. He had walked in on him after having smashed his mirror and bought his story. If there was a time in which Tony felt like a huge idiot, this was it.

Something that caught his attention was the footage of Peter making lunch and dinner, he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why that was included. He would have to ask the kid directly, but it seemed like he wanted control of what he was eating, and that was the only way to get it.

Saying that he was overwhelmed was an understatement. Tony had struggled plenty before, but this time in was different. Peter’s safety was at stake, and he felt responsible for anything that happened. Before, he had dealt with betrayal, pain, fear and near-death experiences; and it was fine, he was able to manage it and survive. It was very hard for him to come to terms with the fact that those exact experiences were happening to Peter, all at once. There was just too much in his head and it was useless to obsessively stress over it.

The kid had gone out and there was virtually nothing he could do about it right now. The only thing he could think of was to take away his scale. After all, if he didn’t have it, he wouldn’t obsess that much over it, right? With that in mind, Tony went to Peter’s room to take his scale and was hit with the realization of the dimension of this issue.

He was well past the point of respecting Peter’s privacy, at least for now. He saw a notebook laying near to where the scale was, and he noticed that it was where Peter had his secrets hidden; ranging from excuses to weigh-ins and calorie trackers. It was heartbreaking, but he couldn’t do much more. He left the notebook where it was and took the scale to the lab where he locked it in the same place he locked Peter’s suit. When he looked over at the clock Tony realized it was 3am, and decided it was enough.

“FRIDAY, tell Peter that he has to make his way here now. Otherwise, send Mark47 to get him. When he arrives, tell him we’ll meet for breakfast.”
“On it, boss.”

With so many thoughts going through his head, Tony made his way upstairs to try and catch some sleep. When he got the notification that Peter was swinging back to the Compound, Tony felt relief; but it wasn’t enough for his mind to grant him a good night sleep.
____________________

Tony would describe his night as anything but restful. Morning had come and he knew it was not going to be a good day. The first thing he needed to do was prepare breakfast. He had woken up at 7:30am to get things ready, but to also brace himself for the day and for whatever reaction Peter would have. He really hoped that Peter would understand that this was in his best interest, and that he wasn’t going to hate him for what he’s been doing to himself.

If he was honest, Tony knew that this would be the most unlikely scenario. It would probably go in a much more displeasing way; but he had to be the adult here. There were things that needed to be said that weren’t easily sugarcoated, so it was up to him to tackle this situation on his own.

Trying to make it easier on Peter, Tony served up a buffet styled breakfast. That would give him the opportunity to choose what he wanted to eat, maybe it would make him feel more in control. There were fruit, eggs, sausages, and pancakes laid out in the kitchen island. He knew the kid would probably not want any of it, but, in Tony’s eyes, there was still hope.

At 9:10am Peter entered the kitchen, and the tense environment was clear. Tony could see in Peter’s eyes that he was scared. It felt very similar to what the kid looked like after what had happened with the ferry, it was truly pitiful. He saw Peter scan the kitchen island filled with all things breakfast and how he turned his head away from it, as if that would make the food disappear.

“Come on, kid, we have a lot to talk about.”

As Peter took a seat in front of him, Tony started planning how this conversation should go; he wanted to understand what was going on in his head, but he had to stay calm.

“Explain this to me, what’s going on?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Mr. Stark, I’m fine, really; there’s nothing wrong.”
“You wanna try that again?”

He didn’t think that he’d have to do this so soon, but he showed Peter with the hologram from his phone the footage that FRIDAY had pulled up for him last night. Tony hoped that the outstanding intelligence that Peter had would make him understand how alarming his habits were if he saw them.

“Why did you get this?! That’s a complete violation of my privacy!”
“You left me no choice, Pete. I need you to understand that I’m doing this for you.”
You just don’t understand!
“Then explain this to me, why would you do this to yourself?”
“I’m not doing anything to myself, I’m doing this for the city.”
“What, now?”
“I can be so much more, I need to be better, I need to be my best self for Queens, what don’t you get about that?”

Tears were starting to pool in Peter’s eyes, and there was nothing Tony wanted to do more than hug his worries away, but that was currently out of the question. Tony knew the look on Peter's eyes far too well, but he knew that he couldn't coddle him and make it seem like he would be lenient with this; Peter was in danger and Tony would do anything in his hands to avoid it going further.

“Why do you think you need to be thinner to be better? That makes no sense.”
“Of course it makes sense. The lighter I am, the easier it’ll be for me to swing around.”
“You’re not thinking things through, Pete. You’re smarter than this.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room, and it was excruciatingly awkward for both of them. He saw in Peter’s eyes that he had no argument against it. That told Tony that he knew what he was doing to himself, and that angered him. It was just ridiculous to think that such a bright kid would to this to himself. Trying to get out of his own mind, Tony tried to focus on Peter’s demeanor and overall mood; but instead, he realized the kid hadn’t eaten anything.

“We’re not getting up from this table until you eat something.”
“What?! I don’t need to eat, I’m full.”
“Really? What with?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Humor me.”

A really weird stare-off began and they were both relentless, neither of them wanting to give up. Eventually, after a couple of minutes, Peter surrendered and, with an exasperated sigh, he stood up and took an apple. It was something, it’s way better than nothing.

“Why are you doing this to me? You have no business messing with how I choose to be Spider-Man.”
“I do, actually. You’re living here with me, like it or not. May left me in charge of your wellbeing and I’ll be damned if you think that I’ll do anything other than that.”
“How can you not see that I need to be thinner? God, it’s like you’re not even trying to understand.”
“What I understand is that you’re starving yourself, and that ends now.”
What is wrong with you?

Peter’s voice was starting to rise, and Tony was really trying not to snap at the kid; but it was getting harder by the second. It was very unlike Peter to get angry at him, and this was something foreign to Tony, which made it hard for him to know what to do.

“What is wrong with me? I’m not the one running off slowly killing myself.”
“You have absolutely no idea what it’s like. You’re freaking Iron Man, no one ever doubts you. What do you think it’s like for me, huh? Everyone thinks me a fuck up for the ferry fuck up and what I did to your plane, I need to be better, why can’t you understand?”

That had truly left Tony speechless. He was trying to process everything that Peter had just told him, but it was so much to untangle. Tony wondered if Peter had ever thought of the possibility that he wasn't the only one who doubted himself, but Tony also knew that that wouldn't play out now.

“You don’t see how badly I need to lose weight, I’m fat, it slows me down, that can’t happen. It just can’t happen again.”

With those words, Tony’s mind cleared up for a single second. He remembered what happened to Sophie and how Peter’s uncle had died. The kid had never actually spoken about it, but May did tell Tony what happened. She didn’t say that Peter had only had his enhancements for a month before Ben died, she didn’t know; but Tony easily connected the dots. He wished he could do something about it, but that wasn’t going to change Peter’s relationship with food and his eating habits, so it would have to be something for them to deal with later.

“What do you think will happen to you without any food, huh?”

Peter’s somber expression quickly changed back to an annoyed one when he heard Tony’s words. He saw that the kid wanted to interrupt him, but Tony wasn’t having any of it. Howard wasn't the greatest dad, but one thing Tony did learn from him was that he had to be stern when needed to.

“What are you trying to prove? When will it be enough?”
You just don’t understand.
“I understand perfectly, Peter. What you don’t understand is how dangerous what you’re doing is. Let’s have it, you’re not going out as Spider-Man for the time being, hand in the suit.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I will not have you pass out while you’re swinging through New York’s skyscrapers. I mean this, Peter, give me the suit.”

Peter stormed off and went upstairs. Tony debated on whether he should follow him or wait to see and what happens. Regardless of what was going on, Tony really trusted Peter, and he deserved the benefit of the doubt. After a couple of minutes, Peter returned and threw the suit on Tony’s face, before running off towards the tracks. If he wasn’t fond of the kid, he would’ve been offended beyond words; but he knew Peter was struggling, so he chose to let it slide. With the suit in his hands, Tony realized he had no idea what to do next, so, when in doubt…

“Hey, Pep, can you come in tonight? I need your help.”
________ . ________

He had never been so pissed off at Tony before. Peter had always looked up to him as a role model for every aspect of his life, and he never doubted him. But now that he knew about his objective, he wanted nothing more than for the man to leave him alone. It was frustrating to think that he didn’t even try to hear him out, he was against Peter and what was best for him.

It was obvious to Peter that Tony didn’t want him to be the best Spider-Man he could be, and he wondered why. After all, Tony had been the one who gave him a chance; it just seemed weird that now he wanted to stop him.

Running towards the woods, Peter felt out of control and like a full on freakout was coming. He couldn’t have that, though. The last thing he needed was for Tony to find out his issues extended far beyond his eating habits. He had to be smart about this; he couldn’t simply act out like a kid and expect Tony to give up. Peter knew the man better than that and he knew it was against his best interests to go up against Tony. He had complete control over his life, whether Peter liked it or not.

Living under his roof and providing Peter with everything he needed and wanted was something that couldn’t be disputed, and he was truly grateful for it. Not right now, though. It was stupid to try and pick a fight with him. So, he decided to just not confront the issue with the wrong foot.

Peter started walking along the shoreline of the lake from the northmost part of the Compound and heading south, closer to the living quarters. There was nothing rushing him, so he decided to take the time to think things through. One thing he did know was that Tony would give him his space. He had always done that, so he didn’t see why that would change. So, he decided to keep walking and just think.

Tony wouldn’t get off his back unless he believed he was doing better, that he was eating and taking care of himself. Eating when he was in front of the man was inevitable, however much Peter dreaded it. It was just so hard to ignore the voice in his head yelling the number of calories at him.

Every single calorie felt like it was cutting Peter’s guts from the inside out, and his brain wasn’t letting him take a break from it; an everlasting torture. He would have to test the waters, see how things would be like from now on. One thing he knew for sure was that he didn’t want to eat today. Too many emotions were overwhelming him, and it was hard to focus on everything, so he wanted to put all of his energy into avoiding food.

Without realizing it, Peter found himself back behind the main building, in front of the lake. Walking really allowed him to cool off and to process things through. He knew it was unwise to challenge Tony’s authority, so he decided to be compliant. Unsurprisingly, Wanda was there, too, at the bench where they first met each other.

“Hey, Peter! How’s it going?”
“Hi, Wanda, how are you?”
“A bit surprised, if I’m honest.”
“How come?”
“Finding out you’re the Spider-Man was quite the shock.”
“Oh, yeah, that.”
“What can you do, though?”
“Not much, really, certainly not as much as you.”
“I’d like to think we all have our strong points, don’t you reckon?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Check this out, I think you’ll like it.”

With a swift move of her hand, and a red hue emanating from it, Peter’s world turned into a completely new one. He was back in Queens with his aunt, and he could hear his uncle from the kitchen. A choked smile escaped Peter’s lips without his permission, but it was nice. He felt such joy seeing them both again, and he was grateful for every moment they spent together. The illusion faded after a moment and it was disappointing, but it was ultimately good for him.

“What was that?”

His tone was that of bewilderment. He was in complete awe of what she had just done. Peter had always known she was powerful, but he had never stopped to think about how powerful she actually was. It was a very welcome scenario, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

“A while ago, when I first met all of the Avengers, I used my powers to show them their fears. I thought I could use them for the better, maybe show a treasured memory.”
“That was amazing, Wanda, thank you.”
“It’s really not a big deal, Peter. If you ever feel in the mood to destroy something, let me know. You throw, I shoot.”
“You can shoot, too?”
“It’s a work in progress, but I think you’d enjoy it.”
“Looking forward to it!”

After that, they continued chatting for a while, mostly about Peter’s powers and when they’d find a way to team up. Peter thought she was saying that out of pity. Wanda was obviously more powerful than he ever could be; there was no reason for her to ever want to team up with him.

Time passed them by, and if it weren’t from a notification to both their phones about lunch being ready, Peter wouldn’t have noticed how long it had been. Panic began taking a hold of him, he didn’t want to go to have lunch. It would be the first time since Tony found out about him that he’d have to eat in front of the team, and his excuses would be useless now. He could feel his chest tightening and his increasingly rapid heartbeat when he felt a gentle hand land in his left shoulder.

“Is everything okay, Peter?”

He had to hold on to the bench to avoid falling. Peter was getting dizzy, and his world was spinning way faster than he ever thought possible, but he couldn’t make it a big deal, everything was okay.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, I’m okay.”
“I can sense that something’s not right, Peter. You don’t have to tell me, but I’m here for you, okay?”
“Thank you, Wanda.”
____________________

Peter could smell all the way from the entrance of the building the grease coming out of the French fries. Steve was flipping the last salmon filets while Clint was taking out of the pot the last serving of fries. Everyone seemed happy and chatty; it would’ve been a great environment to walk into if it weren’t for the dreadful feeling that was sitting in Peter’s throat. He spotted out of the corner of his eye Tony leaning over the kitchen island, talking with Rhodey. He seemed stressed, and almost angry.

Without any success at trying to hear their conversation, Peter gave up and decided to seat on his usual place. Peter didn’t want anyone to notice, but he was feeling as weak as ever. He could barely feel his lungs filling because his head was hurting so much.

When he was out with Wanda, everything was fine, or at least as fine as it could get. But now that he was inside, the lack of food hit him in the gut. He was very dizzy, and he knew he couldn’t hear anything because he lacked the nutrients for his powers to work. He needed to catch a breather before getting up to serve his plate in front of everyone.

As he was about to stand up to dreadfully go to the kitchen island to serve his serving, Tony put a plate in front of him and Peter thought Tony must’ve been high if that was meant for him. Undoubtedly, the food was going to be amazing, but not a single fiber in his body wanted to have any of it down his throat.

Tony didn’t have to speak, but Peter could very clearly see by his expression what he meant. It was a very clear message of ‘you will eat all of this’, and it felt horrible. Peter could vaguely hear the others uncomfortably shifting in their seats, they probably noticed what was going on between him and Tony; after all, they were exchanging what could only be described as venomous looks with one another. He could hear Sam cracking a bad joke, and Bruce making small talk with Natasha and Wanda; all of them evidently trying to lighten up the mood.

Tony’s eyes never left him or his plate. It was like someone had glued his eyes to Peter’s plate, and it was obvious he wasn’t going to look anywhere else during the mealtime. Instead of engaging, Peter tried to look away, not daring to look into Tony’s eyes. He tried to join in conversation with Steve and Rhodey, while playing with his food; but Tony’s gaze was very hard to ignore, so he ate very small bites of his salmon filet.

It felt like a lifetime had gone by since he sat down to have lunch, and everyone else was already done with their meal. Tony’s eyes were still on Peter and his plate when Sam spoke up, saving Peter a horrible conversation.

“You know what? I’m feeling game night tonight, anyone up for it?”

As everyone cheered in agreement, Peter saw his opportunity as clear as day. Tony didn't have a clue of how skilled he had gotten when avoiding food, and that was something in Peter's favor.

“That sounds great! I’ll help you set up!”

Without any other word, he jumped from his seat and made his way upstairs, followed by a very confused Sam that didn’t comment on it. He left behind almost the entirety of the plate he was given and a very annoyed Tony Stark, who seemed like he had words in his mouth that aimlessly fought to get out.
________ . ________

Having breakfast with Peter was a disaster. He didn’t have very high expectations, but it was still difficult for him to see Peter refusing to acknowledge how dangerous his situation was. When the kid had stormed out of the room, Tony was left to pick up leftovers and to think what would happen next.

The first thing he wanted was for Helen Cho to assess him. Mostly for his eating habits and what his body needed, but also because they didn’t really know what Peter’s body could actually do with his enhancements. Tony wasn’t really sure how to even do that. The kid was clearly reluctant to talk to him, so he didn’t see a scenario in which he would agree to be checked by a doctor.

Having Pepper’s confirmation of her help that night was relieving, but still, it didn’t ease Tony’s mind. He spent the morning trying to come up with ways to deal with this, while keeping an eye on Peter. He had asked FIRDAY to check up on him periodically during the day so that he wouldn’t run off.

Tony also decided that Rhodey was in his inner circle, therefore he knew he could trust the man. At lunch, he approached him to talk about Peter. It was out of question for Tony mentioning any indicators that would expose what Tony assumed was an eating disorder; he didn’t want it to be public knowledge yet. He trusted Rhodey with his life, but, for the first time ever, he had no clue about how to navigate the situation.

“Hey, what’s up, man?”

Rhodey’s half embrace was immensely comforting to Tony, and he could never really express how much appreciation he had for the man and his friendship. He had always been there for Tony, and that was something he severely needed.

“Not much, Rhodes, you?”
“What’s wrong, Tony?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you, dude, what’s going on?”
“It’s Peter, there’s something going on with him.”

He lightly grabbed Rhodey’s arm and pulled him to the side of the kitchen so that they could have as private of a conversation that they could. The others had just learned about Peter being Spider-Man, and Tony wanted to avoid them knowing about something so delicate.

“I think he’s really struggling.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“Just know that it’s teenager stuff, you know? I can’t figure this out.”

Tony knew it wasn’t teenager stuff, but there were only so many words he could use to get Rhodey’s advice, and that’s the best his brain could muster.

“The kid looks up to you, Tones, if anyone knows what’s up with him, that’s you.”
“Yeah, but I just don’t know what to do.”

As he was finishing his sentence, he saw Peter entering the kitchen alongside Wanda. He was curious about their friendship, but mostly he was worried the kid would hear him talking to Rhodey about him. On the other hand, he was glad to see that he seemed to be more relaxed, and he was grateful for whatever Wanda did to help ease him up.

“Stay positive, Tony. He’s been through a lot; try to understand what he’s going through. Talk to him, it’s the best thing you can do right now.”
“Thanks, sourpatch.”

With a smile, Rhodey went to the table and sat down, while Tony served up two plates. He saw Peter in his seat, so he decided that was the perfect opportunity to make sure that Peter ate enough. He also noticed that the kid was pale, and it looked like he was out of it. Concern was rising within Tony, but he didn’t want to make a scene in front of anyone, so he simply placed the plate in front of Peter and waited for him to react.

His response was more than expected. He was obviously mad, and Tony could see the venom coming from his eyes. He would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt him, but Tony had to be strong for Peter now, his feelings could wait. It was even more infuriating to see him eat so little, and it was annoying for Tony how long it was taking for Peter to even get a tiny bite of food into his mouth. He noticed everyone was finishing up their own meals and Peter had barely touched his; everyone was starting to pick up on it.

Sam’s initiative came both as a blessing and as a curse. Tony was glad that his proposal changed the focus of the room from Peter’s plate to tonight’s activities; but that gave Peter the opportunity to get away from the kitchen without eating anything else.

There were so many things he wanted to yell at the kid, starting with how irresponsible it was for him to not eat; but he chose to remain quiet and silently pick up Peter’s plate. Rhodey joined him and helped him put the leftover food in Tupperware.

“Hey, Tony, I wanted to talk with you about Thursday.”
“What’s on Thursday?”
“Are you kidding me? Accords’ meeting.”
“Oh, yeah, that. What’s up?”
“Is Peter going to be a part of the conversation now?”
“Why would he?”
“He fought the Rogues in Germany, Tony, his vigilante’s name comes up.”
“I don’t see how that changes anything.”
“Everyone here knows that he’s Spider-Man, they’ll be asking the same questions.”
“It’s not a good idea to bring up the topic right now, it’s not a good time.”
“Do you think he wants to be a part of the team? Officially?”
“We’ll have to ask him in the future, I’m not sure.”
“His identity will be hard to keep a secret, Tony, he needs to know that.”
“I’ll talk to him.”

They left the main building together at around 4pm and were chatting about the Accords while they walked to the left building. Suddenly, they heard the signature heels and looked up to see Pepper standing up in front of the left building’s entrance.

“Hey, Pepper, it’s really good to see you.”
“Hi, Rhodey, how are you?"
“Hi, Pep, I missed you.”

Her smile warmed Tony’s heart and for the first time since last night, he felt like he could breathe again. Tony planted a small kiss on her cheek and hugged her tightly. She was a breath of fresh air, and he felt like he could actually cry, after all, she had already seen him at his worst.

“Well… that’s my cue, see you later.”
“What’s going on, Tony?”
“Come on, I’ll tell you upstairs.”

As they both got into the elevator that led to their upper floor, Tony knew it was the right choice to share this with her. She had this gentle side to her that was also incredibly firm. She would know what to do about the situation without damaging the relationship with Peter. They sat down in the landing area, Pepper looking at him expectantly, and Tony trying to gather courage to talk about it.

“FRIDAY, please soundproof this floor.”
“Sure thing, Ms. Potts.”
“We’re safe, Tony, talk to me.”
“It’s Peter, Pep, he’s not okay.”
“How so?”
“You met him a while ago. He was healthy and was great, right?”
“He’s an amazing kid.”
“He’s been skipping meals and purging, Pep. I hadn’t really noticed up until very recently, but he’s lost so much weight, he looks like a ghost.”
“Oh, Tony...”
“It’s gotten so bad; I don’t know what to do. I found him purging last night, and I know he’s been obsessively exercising. His body can’t keep up with this.”
“How did you know about this?”
“He fainted while he was out as Spider-Man. I didn’t notice it at first, but Natasha told me she had seen him skipping meals, and Wilson also told me about it. God, I should’ve noticed it sooner, I should’ve paid more attention, I should’ve–”
“There’s nothing you could’ve done, Tony.”

Pepper had always had a gentle touch, but the way she was holding his hand felt like the most comforting thing in the world. It was also evident that she was being rational about it, instead of the irrational path that Tony thought was best.

“What have you done about it?”
“I’m not even sure, if I’m honest. I took away his suit and scale. I’ve been trying to get him to eat but it’s useless, he barely touches his food.”
“I’m sure we can understand more of it if he tells us himself, don’t you think?”
“He doesn’t want to speak to me, Pep.”
“He’s having a hard time, Tony, try to cut him some slack. He must be terrified right now, let’s not make it harder on him, okay? We need to talk to him soon, before things get any worse.”
“FRIDAY, please tell Peter to get up here.”
“Right away, boss.”

Tony could hear Peter going up the stairs and he could also notice in his face as he got up to the landing area how much effort that cost him. His body must be damn near to give up if it was costing him so much effort to go up a flight of stairs. Pepper’s loud gasp at the sight of Peter was confirmation enough of how bad it was, but it was time to confront him.

“FRIDAY, soundproof and lock this building.”

Peter had panic written all over his face and he saw the kid desperately looking for a way out. It broke Tony's heart to see him so fragile and vulnerable, but they needed to talk things through.

“Let’s talk.”

Notes:

Hi guys!! I'm really sorry it took me so long to post this. With the holiday season I didn't have much time to write, as I spent most of the month with my family. I wanted to post this before the year ended, so here it is!

Let me know if you have any suggestions or comments, I love hearing your thoughts! I'm always open to polite criticism.

I also wanted to thank everyone who has read this story. I never thought I would write fics again, and it's very nice to see that you're enjoying it so far! I'm grateful for all of you and I hope you love the future of this story as much as I do.

Last but definitely not least, I wish every single one of you the best 2022 ever. I hope everyone's year is filled with successes and happiness. There are great things in store for this year!

Chapter 15: hold on tight

Summary:

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The last 24 hours had probably been the worst of Peter’s life, but when he heard Tony ask FIRDAY to lock the building, Peter started to lose it. He wondered if he had done it to prevent him from escaping the conversation or from anyone entering the building while they were talking about his eating habits. For his sanity, Peter decided it was the latter; but a voice in the back of his mind was telling him that Tony didn’t want him to leave the building while they spoke.

“Hey, Mr. Stark; hi, Ms. Potts, what’s going on here? I really wanted to go to sleep early and get some rest, you know–”
“Cut the bullshit, Parker, you’re not getting out of this.”

Pepper’s venomous look at Tony’s words warmed Peter’s heart and made him think that maybe, just maybe, this wouldn’t be as dreadfully uncomfortable as he initially thought it would. She was an amazing woman, and it seemed to Peter like she would be the one to help him make things right with Tony.

“What he means, Peter, is that we’re worried about you.”
“Why would you be worried? I’m okay, I really am.”
“Oh honey, I can imagine why you feel that way, but you’re not okay. What’s going on, Peter?”

There was something so unbelievably soothing about the way she was speaking, and it brought down Peter’s walls, allowing betraying tears to run down his cheeks. He didn't want to share everything, but her voice resembled the comfort that came from May's, and that was all he needed to bring down his walls.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Peter, it’s okay to struggle. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”
“I’ve been trying to lose weight, you know? Trying to be better for the city, to be the best I can; I don’t see how that’s something bad or concerning.”
“Why are you trying to lose weight, Pete? You never needed to; you were so healthy.”
“But I am healthy. I just can’t kill anyone else because of my failure.”
“What do you mean, bud? We’ve talked about this, you never killed anyone.”
“You’re wrong, Mr. Stark. If I would’ve been faster, if I would’ve been lighter, I would’ve gotten to Sophie earlier.”

The looks on both Tony and Pepper’s faces were those of concern and pity; it was starting to annoy Peter. He didn’t need that from them, he didn’t need this at all. But, regardless of how he felt about their pity, Peter couldn't lie to himself. It really was comforting to hear the lies coming out of their mouths.

“I would’ve been able to save Ben.”
“I need you to understand, Peter, that it wasn’t your fault. You are such a great kid, and you’ve done so much for the city. But you can’t save everyone, and it’s important that you know that.”
“I know, Ms. Potts, it’s just hard.”
“What can we do, sweetheart? How can we help you?”
“You know what, Pete? That’s crap, we know what you need. Let’s bring Helen Cho in, she’ll have you checked up and we’ll know what to do from there.”

By now, various thoughts were running through Peter’s mind. He could sense that they had good intentions, it was obvious. Deep down, Peter knew that he couldn’t live like this for long. He was smart, and he knew that he would die soon if he didn’t improve his eating habits. It was nice to see them being concerned about him, he felt seen and important; it was a feeling that could very easily turn addictive.

It was clear to Peter that there was no way he could avoid eating completely having Tony and Pepper know about his issues. Regardless of how many tricks he had up his sleeve, Tony’s tech was incredibly smart and intuitive, the man would know if he tried anything at all. There had to be another way for him to continue improving himself without raising any more concerns within the Compound’s inhabitants.

He had lost weight before, and it hadn’t been as hard as many people advertised. He had surprised himself by being able to skip meals and not slip up and stuff his face with anything in his path. It was logical that, if he was able to do that before, he could very well do it again. Maybe if he gained weight, Pepper and Tony would get off his back, they’d be convinced that he was doing good. He could always lose the weight again when he knew that they didn’t have any more concerns about his health.

It was frustrating to not know exactly how long that would be. What terrified Peter the most was the possibility that they would never trust him enough to let him manage his own eating habits, and that they would always be wary of what he was eating. But there was nothing he could do about that now, he had to take it day by day, meal by meal, and hope that they would eventually be convinced that he was fine.

It was kind of nice to be able to get so many things off his chest, now that they knew about how much he had been struggling with food. He needed to scream, constantly, but he didn’t ever want to; too afraid to disturb anyone around him. Now that they both knew, he could be cautiously blunt about his feelings, and it was nice to know that, at least for the night, he could be sincere.

Peter had never enjoyed lying, and his life had become a big lie. He took advantage of any possible moment he could stop pretending and express his real thoughts and feelings. In reality, he had no idea how they could help him. Peter knew that he had to gain weight eventually, but that wasn’t something he wanted Tony to be in charge of. The man was impatient, and it was difficult to keep up with him. Peter just didn’t see a scenario in which that would work at all. He never wanted to be rude to them, but the most helpful thing they could do was to back off and let him do his own thing.

“I don’t think that’s necessary, Mr. Stark, really, I’m fine.”
“You’re not understanding this, Peter. You fainted while out as Spider-Man. You don’t even have the energy to go up a flight of stairs, for fuck’s sake; why can’t you see that?!”
“Why are you trying to make me weaker? What can’t you understand?!”
“What Tony meant, Peter, was that you need your strength to be Spider-Man, you need fuel in your body to keep up with your activities.”

There was a pause in her discourse, and it allowed Peter to realize she wasn’t wrong. After Sophie died, Peter chose to eat more; and he knew, he could feel, that his body was working a thousand times better than it did before. His powers were thankful to receive more energy, and his muscles weren’t ungrateful either. Pepper was right, but Peter would never admit that to himself.

“I don’t know, Ms. Potts, I just don’t know what to do.”
“You know, if Dr. Cho checks you up, you’ll be in shape soon, and you’ll be able to go out as Spider-Man again, don’t you think?”
“How? I don’t see how that would work.”
“Would you be okay with a meal plan? I’m sure Dr. Cho can help us figure out what you need, and then we’ll take it from there. How does that sound? We can figure it all out together, you’re not alone, okay?”
“Thank you so much Ms. Potts.”

With tears in his eyes, and any shame left behind, he hugged her as tightly as he could. Peter also felt Tony giving him a pat in the back and it was nice. It felt like home.
____________________

Back in his room, Peter felt trapped. He would never deny that he liked the fact that someone now knew, and that they cared about him. But, on the other hand, he felt powerless and out of control. What followed was a very hard week, having them carefully watch everything he did and ate. It was frustrating to even think about how many things he could’ve done differently so that it wouldn’t have gotten to this place. It was almost like this was his biggest failure.

He could feel it creeping in, that feeling of hopelessness; but it was different. His muscles were stiffening, and he couldn’t feel his fingers anymore. If Peter could’ve related that to any other experience in the past, it would probably be that night when his senses went full overload, but this wasn’t it. It was bizarre, but familiar as well.

It almost felt like ice was taking a hold of his body, making it impossible for him to escape. He could feel his forearms brush up in his chest and he winced. Unconsciously, his body was trying to make itself smaller, probably to save as much heat as it possibly could; but it hurt so much. His skin was ice cold, and it was the type of sensation that brought a grimace to anyone’s face.

“What’s going on, Peter? What’s happening? Come here, honey, your lips are blue.”
“It’s s-so c-c-cold.”
“FRIDAY, please turn up the heat in this room.”
“Sure thing, Ms. Potts.”

Immediately, and, if anyone asked Peter, godsent, Pepper took a blanket and wrapped it around Peter’s frail frame, not letting go of him even after he was already embraced by the fabric. No one could ever replace how May’s hugs felt, but Pepper’s had a similar feeling to them. Peter had needed to feel safe and seen for a long time now and being there with Pepper brought him a sense of peace that he hadn’t felt in a while. He could feel Pepper’s love and concern; her embrace felt like home.

“Mr. Stark hates me, doesn’t he?”
“Oh honey, no, he doesn’t hate you at all, he’s very worried about you.”
“Why does it feel like he’s mad at me?”
“He doesn’t have the greatest temper, but I’m guessing you know that. He’s concerned, Peter. Maybe you don’t see this now, but you’ve lost so much weight, it’s starting to really affect your health.”
“I don’t want to disappoint him, Ms. Potts. He’s done so much for me, and I can’t do this to him.”
“There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you, Pete. He may not say it or show it, but he really loves you, and will always care about you.”

It was hard for Peter to hear something like that, much less accept it. He didn’t want to believe that Tony could care about him more than for what respected superhero business. He always thought of himself as a professional liability to Tony; given that he took him to Germany and probably felt responsible for Spider-Man.

But hearing from Pepper herself that Tony loved him was just something too incredible for him to even consider being true. Choosing not to reply, Peter laid his head on her chest and tried to hold in the tears that were threatening to appear. He didn’t realize when exactly he fell asleep, but he knew for sure that Pepper never left his side.
____________________

“Good morning, Peter, Mr. Stark and Ms. Potts are waiting for you downstairs for breakfast.”
“Thanks, FRIDAY. What time is it?”
“It’s currently 7:15am.”

It was clear to Peter from last night’s occurrences that the morning wouldn’t be easy at all. He hoped a miracle would’ve happened and that he wouldn’t have to have breakfast, let alone with them; but luck wasn’t on his side. After showering and changing into comfortable clothes, Peter saw his reflection staring back at him, and it was mocking his weakness.

A sinister figure was laughing at his failure, and its macabre smile brought chills down Peter’s spine. He must’ve been hallucinating, right? There was no way that was him. Shaking his head, Peter looked back again at his mirror and only saw his pale face and puffy eyes. Not very reassuring, but a relief in comparison to what he had just seen.

As he walked down the stairs, Peter could feel how his lungs were struggling to keep up. He had to stop a couple of times to catch his breath, and it was starting to scare him. He had never really stopped to think how his body was responding to his diet; but it was true that in the past couple of days less food than usual had crossed his esophagus. Tony’s and Pepper’s voices stopped dead on their tracks when Peter showed his face in the kitchen. Once again, Tony’s expression was that of annoyed concern; but, thankfully, Pepper’s only showed empathy and compassion.

“Good morning, Peter, how did you sleep?”
“Good morning Ms. Potts.”
“Let’s eat something, shall we?”

Fear took hold of Peter’s mind as he saw the kitchen island filled with different types of food. Thankfully, there were mostly low kcal foods; but it was still terrifying. Peter wondered if Pepper was the one who chose what breakfast would be. He imagined she did; Tony would’ve probably tried to get Peter to eat greasy foods and pancakes, which was something that just wouldn’t happen.

Trying to comply to what they evidently wanted of him, Peter served himself a small plate with two slices of turkey ham and an apple. He saw Tony’s frustrated grunt and Pepper’s reassuring smile; it was kind of obvious how this would go.

“So, Pete, how’s school going? Anything interesting happened last year?”
“Not really, Ms. Potts, just the usual. We went to Washington D.C. for decathlon, but I think you already knew that? I’m not sure.”
“I did, actually, but you never told us how it went.”
“We won! I mean, they won, I was doing something else–”
“Really? What were you doing, then?”
“Uhm, Spidey things?”

Now that he thought about it, they probably didn’t know that he broke into a federal building, and that was something he didn’t want to add to the plate. He was so thankful for Pepper and how she was trying to smooth things over, making small talk and being patient with him. It made things so much easier for him when he didn’t have his entire attention span dedicated to calories.

Peter really wanted to focus on Pepper and their talk, it was nice and comfortable talking to her; but he could see Tony’s eyes never leaving his plate, almost like he wanted to take the fork and shove the food inside Peter’s mouth. That thought was horrifying, and it made Peter particularly uncomfortable.

“Hey, Tony, could you do me a favor?”
“What’s up, Pep?”
“Could you please go talk to Happy about my transport for tonight? There are still some things that need arrangement.”
“Yeah, no problem.”

Without another word, or even a look towards Peter, Tony stood up and left the building. It was very relaxing to be alone with Pepper, as he didn’t feel pressured to eat much. As the man left, Peter began munching on the food on his plate. The taste was foreign, and it made him cringe, thinking immediately about calories.

“I’m so sorry, Ms. Potts, you really don’t have to stay here with me; I’m sure you have many more important things to do, I’m fine.”
“I only said that so that Tony would leave, he’s not being very helpful, is he?”
“Thank you so much, Ms. Potts.”
“Now, talk to me, Peter, what’s really going on?”
“It’s just so hard to keep up with everyone’s expectations, you know? So many people expect so much of Spider-Man, I don’t know if I will ever live up to that. And there’s also what I should be as Peter Parker; I have to be strong, and smart, and happy, and it’s just so exhausting, I can’t do it anymore.”
“You know, honey, this is about you and what you want for yourself. Nobody else matters. Not Tony, not me, not anyone; only you. The people around you want to help you, okay? We’re worried about your health, but we need you to know that it comes from a place of love. The only expectation we have for you is that you’re happy and healthy, nothing else matters.”
“I’m not that unhealthy, I feel okay, seriously, I’m fine.”
“FRIDAY?”
“Peter’s heart rate is slower than normal; his T-score currently sits at -1.6, indicating low bone density; weight sitting at 108 pounds, indicating a 16.9 BMI, placing Peter in the severely underweight range; he is currently experiencing moderate dehydration.”
“Thanks, FRIDAY”

There was a small pause after what the AI said. Peter knew that he wasn’t okay, but he never wanted to face how bad it had actually gotten. Pepper's face left Peter distraught. She had this sad smile, like she was trying to control herself, but Peter could tell that it hurt her, too.

“You see, Pete, fainting is not normal, and your body is starting to lash out at you.”
“Yeah, that’s fair; but you don’t understand, Ms. Potts, I need to be better, I can’t just resign myself to how I currently am. I was given these abilities, and it would be selfish of me to not use them.”
“Peter, you are already amazing, you don’t need to be better. You are more than enough, honey, okay?”

Whatever struggle he had within him to stop tears from falling down his face was now gone, and they were starting to gather in his eyes. It was so hard for him to accept that he was good enough, and he didn’t think that he would ever think that. There was always room to improve, and Peter didn’t want to leave anything to chance.

“I think I’m done; I can’t eat more, I feel sick.”
“That’s okay, Pete. We’re taking things slow; you can eat more later. Baby steps, right?”
“Right, thank you, Ms. Potts.”

With a smile, she picked up his plate and put it in the dishwasher. Peter stayed at the table and thought about how breakfast had gone. It could’ve certainly gone worse, but, if it were up to him, he would’ve rather not had anything at all. With a hug, breakfast came to an end and Peter braced himself for whatever else the day would bring.
____________________
His immediate thought when entering the main building was that of burning. He wanted to erase any possible chance of gaining weight from the 130kcal he had for breakfast. It wasn’t clear for Peter whether there were no Avengers around because of Tony, or if it was just a mere coincidence. Something told him that it was the latter. The man had tried to keep everything regarding Peter a secret, but he didn’t think that Tony would go to such lengths to forbid entrance to the main building, too, on his account.

As he made his way up to the gym, Peter was excited. It was nice to be alone again. He was grateful for Tony and Pepper, but it was getting exhausting to keep up with how they wanted him to react to their efforts of getting him to eat more. Being at the gym was almost cathartic, so it was sort of two birds, one stone situation.

“I’m sorry, Peter; Mr. Stark blocked access to all gym facilities on site.”
“Let me guess, just for me?”
“Yes, Peter.”

Now that was something he didn’t expect would happen. Granted, he knew Tony was more than capable of doing so, but there was a small part of him that knew it was a given. Frustrated, Peter evaluated his options. He definitely wanted to be alone, but there was nowhere in the Compound where he could be with his thoughts without anyone barging in on him. He could also run away, but Tony would have a suit pick him up before he could exit the Compound’s premises.

Defeated, Peter chose to go to the lab in the same building. He remembered Sam saying that no one was there other than Tony; but he knew that the man was probably with Happy and would probably meet up with Pepper in a while; chances were no one would enter the lab.

“FRIDAY, please lock the lab.”
“Sure thing, Peter. I’m compelled to remind you that Mr. Stark and Ms. Potts can override this command.”
“That’s fine, thank you.”

Now that he was alone, he tried to focus on what was important: the city. Tony had taken away his suit and everything he previously had as Spider-Man, but he couldn’t take away his knowledge of it. He could very easily make new web-shooters and craft an improvised mask to go out again; but Tony could very easily see what he was up to by just thinking about it. He thought that maybe he could find that nanotech suit that Tony had made when he offered him an official position as an Avenger; but it was foolish of him to think that it wouldn’t be locked up. Deciding to take a chance, he started to work on new web-shooters.

Taking salicylic acid and carbon tetrachloride felt oddly familiar to Peter. It took him back to when he first began being Spider-Man, and he fondly remembered the time he spent in his High School’s lab perfecting the web fluid. He hadn’t done that in a while, and it was nice to reminisce about simpler times. The first version of his web-shooters was made from scraps he found back in his High School, but now it was so much different. He could have anything he wanted to create the web-shooters with just saying so.

Sometimes he forgot how incredibly privileged he was to even be able to be in one of Tony Stark’s labs. It made him feel slightly terrible for what he’d been putting the man through, given that he had provided Peter with anything he wanted and needed. He had to be ready for lunch, though.

It was most likely that everyone would be there, so he had to try and act his best so that no one would notice what was going on. He knew he would have to eat in front of them and that terrified Peter. Hopefully, Pepper was still there and would be diversion enough for him to not be the center of attention.

“Peter, it’s currently 12:30pm, lunch is ready and they’re waiting for you.”
“Thank you, FRIDAY.”

Choosing to hide the new DIY version of his web-shooters, Peter looked for a storage compartment that wasn’t too obvious. He knew that Tony would learn eventually that he had been working on them; but for now, he wanted to keep them a secret. After putting them inside one of the poofs, Peter made his way downstairs and hoped that things would turn out alright.
____________________

“How’s everything going at SI, Pepper? Everything alright?”
“Yes, Rhodey, everything’s great, actually. We’re preparing to launch five new geothermal energy generator plants in North America, it’s going according to plan.”
“How’s the new facility going?”
“Blueprints are already done; we’re waiting for the green light on location.”

Everyone was talking among one another, all seemingly happy to have Pepper with them. It was very nice to see her in her element, talking about what she liked; it was clear she loved her work at Stark Industries. On the other hand, Tony was dead silent, not even sparing a moment to look Peter in the eyes. He would never admit it, but Peter felt hurt. He knew that this was anything but a simple situation; but he didn’t think it was bad enough for the man to stop talking to him.

When Clint called for everyone to serve their plates at the kitchen island, Peter began to panic. He knew that Tony would be wary of what would be in his plate, but he was even more scared of what would happen if the others noticed what was going on. Pepper was definitely the most perceptive in the room, including Natasha Romanov herself, and she went over to him, squeezed his hand and walked with him to serve their plates.

Peter thought that she would only serve her own plate, but she helped him serve his. Not a single word came out of Peter’s mouth, but Pepper seemed to notice how uncomfortable he was when she neared a certain food in the kitchen island. His plate ended up being two small portions of steak and salad. It was still way more than he wanted, but it was so much better than what would’ve happened, were Tony in charge of his plate.

Peter thought that Pepper would take his usual place on Tony’s right, but, instead, she sat on his left, facing him. It was great for Peter, though. Her smile held a reassurance that wasn’t easily explained, and it made it easier for him to eat. Everyone kept on talking, resuming the talk about the new facility.

He was very focused on his plate and avoiding Tony’s gaze, but he distantly heard Sam saying that he wanted a facility to be in Spain, while Natasha argued that it would be wiser to have one in southern Russia. He could also hear Rhodey arguing about how the Accords had to be finalized before anyone could begin making vacation plans.

In his mind, Peter wasn’t there. He was heavily struggling with the food in front of him, especially now that he knew he couldn’t very easily burn the calories that he consumed. It was all very frustrating, and the only thing Peter did want to do was to get out of there and run until he reached Queens.

He loved living at the Compound, but he missed familiarity so much. After all, that’s where he had been raised, and it’s where he had lived his life. Right now, he wanted to ignore everything, and just go back to being a 13 year-old boy who had no issues with his body or weight; maybe then, it would be easier for him to be alive.

It could’ve been 20 minutes, or it could’ve been an hour, but Peter realized that everyone was finished with their meal. Time had passed him by without him noticing, and it was now starting to be obvious that he didn’t want to eat. He had barely eaten three bites of steak and a couple nibs of his salad. Half of his plate was still there, and he feared someone would notice.

Thankfully, that one was Pepper. She raised her eyebrows at him, almost asking him about his plate; to which Peter replied with a small shake of his head. He hoped that it didn’t come across as rude, but there was just no way he could eat more. With a defeated sigh, Pepper smiled at him and took the plate out of Peter’s sight, and it felt like Peter had just gotten a thousand pounds off his back.

He didn’t want to be there anymore, and he certainly didn’t want to face Tony and what he would say about his plate and what had happened in the last 36 hours. He only took one last glance at the main kitchen before going out and heading to the left building. The last thing he saw was Pepper shaking her head as she approached Tony, which left Peter heartbroken and feeling as guilty as ever.
____________________

Back in his room, Peter realized how much of an idiot he had been. After all, he decided to eat more in front of them so that they wouldn’t worry too much; but he didn’t do that. There wasn’t really a reason, it felt like the sinister figure that stood in front of him had taken charge of his body and made every decision for him. It was incredibly frustrating to even think that such a creature could control him.

Additionally, he hated the fact that he was becoming a problem for Tony and Pepper. They had both been so nice to him and had given him everything he needed; even when he didn’t deserve it. It was selfish of him to worry and stress them out. They were very busy people and were doing so much good for the world; Peter had no right to interfere in that. He had to find a way to be better for them. He didn’t really know for how long Tony would tolerate his habits, and he didn’t want to test his patience.

Pepper was right when she said that Peter knew about Tony’s temper. He knew that the man would take action if he saw that Peter was putting no effort into getting better, so he had to change. He had to be better for Tony, but he also had a bigger responsibility as Spider-Man. If he was ever going to get back out as his vigilante persona, he had to convince his mentor that he was okay, and he was determined to prove that.

Notes:

Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm always open to polite criticism :)

Let me know your thoughts in the comments!
I hope every single one of you has a great weekend, or start of the week!

Chapter 16: this ride is a wild one

Summary:

TW/ eating disorder thoughts.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

This was probably one of the worst ideas Peter had ever had. After all, he had just spent most of the past 4 days without any food getting into his stomach. Even a fool would know it was stupid of him to even consider it. Regardless, Peter knew it was almost mandatory for him to do so; he decided to make dinner for everyone.

Pepper had already left the Compound; Peter saw through his window that she was walking to the garage at 5pm; so, he assumed she wasn’t going to be at the Compound for the rest of the week. It was very disappointing to Peter. She had been the one that held his hand and guided him through a very complicated day. It was almost unfathomable to Peter to navigate this issue without her. There was no other way, though, he had to face this head on, and try to be his best.

The past two days had been disastrous, and he could tell by Tony’s expressions that he was very stressed and simply done with the entire deal. He had made it very clear to Peter that he wasn’t going to let the issue go, having promised his aunt May that he’d take care of him while she was in Europe. Peter wanted to make things easier for Tony, he really did. The man had taken him under his wing for the past year, and he had learned so much from him. In Peter’s eyes, a lot of the particularities that made Peter the guy he was were thanks to Tony and his guidance. It was unfair for Peter to do nothing and to be a stubborn teenager who doesn’t help.

It was clear to him that the near future was rocky, to say the least. It was now up to him to convince one of the smartest people in the planet that he was okay, that what he had just seen was a small slip up, and that it wouldn’t happen again. In reality, Peter knew that the fact that Pepper and Tony now knew about his struggles threw him deeper into his own personal hell. This was yet another façade he had to create for them to not get sick of his presence and problems. He hadn’t even begun yet and it was already exhausting beyond explanation.

He was determined to put his best face on, and it had to work. He knew, of course, that he would be stronger if he increased his intake, and it was honestly something he was looking forward to. He had never liked to seem weak. It was always something he wanted to avoid at all costs. When his parents died, everyone looked at him like a delicate porcelain that could break at a simple glance, and it deemed him weak. When he started growing up, he wasn’t muscular and was shy, he was weak. When Ben died, and he was left with the responsibility of being Spider-Man, but not keeping up with the expectations, he was weak. Peter knew it was time to break the cycle, and he was desperate to prove to himself and to Tony that he was strong enough.

Trying to leave any sense of fear behind him, and determined to be better for Tony, Peter walked into the main kitchen, resolved to be his best.

“FRIDAY, could you please let everyone know I’ll be cooking dinner tonight? That it’ll be ready at 7pm?”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

____________________

Thankfully, no one was around when he was starting to prepare everything. He feared that someone would be there while he cooked dinner, it was something he wanted to avoid. This was going to be challenging for him, and the last thing he needed was for someone to distract him with small talk he didn’t want to engage in.

Walking into the intimidatingly huge pantry felt like a battle all in itself. He was very overwhelmed by the amount of food that surrounded him, and it scared him. Pushing through the fear, Peter took three bags of extra-large shrimps out of one of the freezers; and, afterwards, picked up a basket in which he put the shrimps, plus the other ingredients. For a second, Peter stopped and thought about dessert. He remembered that they really enjoy eating something sweet after meals, and he really wanted to make everyone happy. He couldn’t bring himself to do so, though. It was already hard enough for him to be in the kitchen; he didn’t want to push himself further than he could manage by cooking something sweet, too. Instead, he decided that he’d make a simple Caesar salad, and pasta. It wasn’t difficult to cook, and it wasn’t too horrible for Peter to be around.

After 45 minutes, everything was ready. He had already plated up the shrimp scampi, and he put the pasta on another plate. Most people would’ve probably mixed both and served it as one single plate, but he intentionally avoided that. If he had done that, he would be forcing himself to eat pasta, and that’s something he didn’t want at all. With his goal to eat in front of Tony and to be better for him, he needed to eat, but he wasn’t about to let go of everything he had been working for.

“It’s nice to see you cooking again, kid.”
“Oh, I didn’t see you there, Steve.”
“Why you decide to cook again?”
“Well, you know, why not?” “It looks good, Peter.”
“Thanks, Bucky.”

Everyone started gathering around the table and talking among one another, like nothing was happening at all. He hadn’t seen Tony yet, and it was unclear in his head whether he thought that was a good thing or a bad thing. He didn’t have much time to decide, as, when he looked up again, he saw the man walking into the kitchen while he chatted with Bruce.

Not wasting any time, and in fear of what would happen if Tony got first to the kitchen island where all the food was laid out, Peter took his plate and served himself a small portion of shrimp, and a spoonful of salad. His brain was yelling at him, begging him to put the plate down and to run in the opposite direction; but his feet ignored him, instead moving towards his usual seat on Tony’s right. A confused expression was plastered on a lot of people, evidently baffled by how quickly Peter decided to sit down with his plate; as, usually, he was one of the last ones to serve his meal.

One by one, each of the members of the team sat down and began chatting about anything and everything. The conversation was gravitating more towards the plans for the rest of summer. Clint was saying that he was thinking about taking his family to Florida for a couple of weeks, while Sam insisted on going north to fight the heat. Peter wasn’t really paying much attention. He was very focused on the 7 pieces of shrimp that were in his plate, and on how Tony was failing at trying not to look at him during the entirety of the mealtime.

It was mostly a blur, and he was trying to understand where his food went. He vaguely remembered getting two pieces of shrimp in his mouth, but now it was all gone and he didn’t realize when that happened. Everyone started clearing up their place at the table and taking the plates to the kitchen. The ambience wasn’t that of just dinner, and Wanda made that clear.

“Does anyone feel like watching a movie? I’ve been meaning to watch Dirty Dancing.”
“Yeah, why not? Let’s go.”

With Natasha’s support, everyone started making their way upstairs, but Peter didn’t even move a muscle. He could still see Tony and Bruce talking on the right side of the kitchen island, and if there was ever a good opportunity, this was it.

“We could turn up rotations, make it more –”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, can we talk?”

Tony looked at Peter, like he was just now noticing his presence. With a pat on the back, and a smile, Bruce made a sign for them to go, and he walked up the stairs to meet the others. Maybe this was a good thing, and maybe Tony would be more understanding this time.

“I’m really sorry I interrupted you, it’s okay, we can chat later.”
“No, Peter, we can’t. Come on, kid, let’s go outside.”

____________________

They were sitting on a bench that faced the tracks. It was kind of perfect, it provided the perfect scene for Peter to avoid Tony’s eyes when needed. Something inside of him told him that that would be happening a lot during the conversation.

“What did you want to talk about?”
“Uhm, I just wanted to apologize, kinda? I know I’ve been difficult and that you shouldn’t have to deal with my mess. I was rude and selfish, and I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Peter, I understand.”
“It’s not, though. I shouldn’t have reacted that way, I shouldn’t be this way.”
“You know, Pete, you’re not the only one who has poorly reacted to this situation. I was an ass, and it was uncalled for.”

There was an uncomfortable silence and Peter didn’t know what to do. Tony was never the type of man that frequently apologized, so it meant a lot to Peter that he did; even though he thought it was unnecessary. Tony had done nothing wrong, and Peter knew that. He could tell that the man was trying his best to deal with something he didn’t ask for.

“Everyone struggles, kid, and it’s not shameful to need help.”
“How could you know that?”

That came out a bit more aggressive than he was intending, but Peter just didn’t understand how Tony would know that helplessness feeling. If there was something Peter didn't know, or rather ignored, was that Tony was, too, a human being, and it was only logical that he would mess up sometimes. Regardless, he was Peter's role model, and he didn't even think about that possibility.

“A long time ago I struggled with alcohol, I’m sure you know that. I’m sure the media outlets had a fieldtrip every night of my youth.”
“What happened?”
“I lost my way, kid. I’m not gonna get too deep into details, it’s unnecessary and embarrassing. What you need to know is that it wasn’t pretty. It was a pretty poor choice of coping mechanism, and it threw me off the deep end.”
“How did you get over it?”

Peter was slightly scared to hear the answer. After all, this was the almighty man that everyone made Tony out to be, and, if he was able to do it, that meant that Peter must do it, too. One surprising thing to Peter was that Tony opened up to him about his issues. Peter knew that he was a very reserved man, and it was nice to know he trusted him enough to know this information.

“It took time, it wasn’t easy, that much I’ll tell you. But, and hear me out, I couldn’t have done it without Pepper, Rhodey and Happy. See, Pete, it’s important to have help. No one can get through hard times on their own, much against what we want to think. If it hadn’t been for them, I would now be passed out drunk in a bar in a not so nice place in downtown LA.”
“Do you think it’ll be possible?”
“What do you mean, kid?”
“For me, you know, to be better.”
“Of course, Pete. You have people around you that care so much, and we want to help you, you just have to let us.”

Peter was immensely grateful for Tony and his help. It was nice to see a part of him that humanized the man. After all, everyone thought the most of Tony Stark and Iron Man, and Peter had always thought that was the reality. But now, after having heard that Tony, too, struggled, it made it easier for Peter to trust him in this situation.

Tony was obviously trying to sympathize with him and understand where Peter was coming from, but he wasn’t entirely sure the man understood. As far as he could tell, Tony’s issues with alcohol served him as an escape from reality, almost like a distraction from the hectic life he was born into. On the other hand, Peter’s situation was more of a self-improvement idea. If anything, he used it to focus more on his life, and be the most attentive he could be to the situations that presented themselves to him as Spider-Man.

“What do you want to do about this, kid? You gotta work with me here.”
“I want to be better; I want to try.” “I’m glad to hear that, Pete. I’m proud of you.”

There was a small moment that wasn’t necessarily awkward, but it was certainly unknown. Without much of a warning, Tony got closer to Peter and tightly hugged him. It was the first time the man had ever hugged him, and Peter immediately remembered when they were in the car and the disastrous moment when he tried to hug Tony. The fact that Tony was who hugged him was incredible to Peter, and it warmed his heart. If he wasn’t embarrassed, he would probably cry.

“Are you up for watching the movie?”
“Yeah, that sounds good, Mr. Stark.”

As they were about to stand up, a weird expression merged into Tony’s happy one. It scared Peter that maybe he remembered something and would regret telling him that he was proud.

“I forgot to tell you, kid, the hearing about Sophie’s murder was yesterday.”
“What?”
“It was a hard day for you, thought you wouldn’t be in a good enough headspace to talk about it.”
“What happened?” “I got the evidence in, the one recorded by your suit.”
“What happened with my voice? Won’t they know?”
“I handed the footage to my lawyers, they’re handling her case. Your voice had already been edited out.”
“Do you think that held up in court?”
“It did, kid. The footage showed the faces clear as day, and their voices were also recognizable; it won’t be long for them to receive their sentence.”
“I – I don’t know what to say, Mr. Stark, thank you so much.”
“It’s no biggie, Pete, they deserve what’s coming for them.”
“How are your lawyers handling this? I mean, how did they get the case?”
“They reached to her family, we set up a fund for pro-bono cases.”
“That’s very cool, Mr. Stark.”
“It is, Pete.”

____________________

The unnecessarily large room really was beginning to feel like home to Peter. It almost felt like his safe haven, and it was nice to be back after a hard day. It was definitely not easy, cooking and being honest about how much he was struggling; so, now back in his room, it was nice to have his privacy. It was weird, though. He hated every second he spent with food around him, it felt like it was taunting him. It was also true that guilt was building up in his throat. He knew for a fact that he couldn’t purge, especially not after telling Tony that he wanted to try and be better, it would be stupid and useless. It drove him crazy knowing that there was virtually nothing he could do about it. He had to suck it up and embrace the guilt.

There was a very important silver lining, though. He had only eaten little amounts of food, but the energy that did get in his body was doing wonders for him. He had walked up the stairs to both the main living room to watch the movie and then, back in the left building, he also used the stairs to go up to his bedroom. He didn’t feel like his lungs were about to collapse anymore. It was relieving to notice that he wasn’t as out of breath as he was the day before. His fingertips now didn’t feel like they were about to fall off due to how icy they felt. He felt ever so slightly warmer, and it was nice to not feel the need to put on three sweaters and hide under a blanket forever.

Tony’s relief was something that Peter didn't expect would have such a deep impact on him. He had always known that the man was one of the most important people in his life, and that he admired him beyond words. But he also thought that his destructive ways would block even that side of him. On the contrary, Tony’s support and overall happiness made him want to actually recover and be better. The man seemed less stressed, and Peter wanted to think that he contributed to that. Tony had a thousand things to worry about, and Peter didn’t want to become a burden to him; especially considering that he was being so kind to him.

Maybe eating wasn’t so bad, after all. Maybe this time he could actually keep the voices away and actively try to recover. He could feel it in his bones and muscles that the food he had eaten was giving him the fuel he had lacked for such a long time. Maybe, just maybe, he could actually envision a future in which gaining weight wasn’t such a tragic thought. One thing that was scaring Peter was the voracious hunger that was taking a hold of him. It almost felt like having eaten something with intent unlocked an animal part of him that just needed more.

It was bizarre and foreign, and it was something he couldn’t control. He felt like there were two demons fighting each other in his head. One that wanted him to stay as far away from any food as he could, hoping that that would be enough for him to starve to death. The other one was begging him to run to the kitchen and stuff his face with anything he could find. He had been deprived of food for such a long time that, now that he wanted to eat more for Tony’s sake, his mind was running crazy for taking whatever it could while Peter was still in that mindset.

It was unbelievably frustrating how powerless he felt. He didn’t have a say anymore, he was just a host for someone who wanted to destroy him, and it was a terrifying feeling. He wanted to disappear, and he wanted to avoid everything and everyone for as long as possible. It was the only thing he had the power to do, so he changed into his pajamas and got under his duvet, hoping that the morning would be better.

____________________

“Good morning, Peter, how’s it going?”
“Good morning, Rhodey! I’m good, you?”
“Can’t complain, just the usual. Want anything to eat?”
“Uhm, yeah, sure, why not?”

He had his doubts, but his hands acted way faster than his mind allowed them to. In the blink of an eye, his plate now had a portion of scrambled eggs with ham, a banana, and two pieces of toast. His consciousness wanted him to stop, to put the plate down and make up any excuse, but his body just wasn’t having it. Instead, he sat down with Rhodey and started eating.

“Do you know where Mr. Stark is?”
“He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago, I’m assuming he slept in.”
“You wish you could call me lazy.”

Making a fashionably late entrance, Tony entered the kitchen and immediately took a plate, serving himself just a toast and a small portion of scrambled eggs. If he wasn’t so focused on how good the food was tasting in his mouth, he would be embarrassed of himself for eating more than Tony. Regardless, the proud look on Tony’s face made Peter’s feelings worthless. He seemed so relieved of seeing Peter eat, and it was something that Peter didn’t want to lose.

“Hey, Pete, sleep good?”
“Yeah, Mr. Stark, very good.” “Glad to hear that, kid.”

He tried to focus on Tony and his words, but he didn’t know how to stop eating. His hand had a life of its own, and it was very quickly moving the fork into his mouth, making him nauseous. A forced smile appeared on his face, and he hoped that Tony wouldn't notice, although it was probably in vain.

“You wanna hang out today in the lab? We could work on your suit and web-shooters.”

The accusing look on Tony’s face made Peter forget about his food for a minute, how did he find out? In all honestly, even he had forgotten about it; too focused on trying to do better for Tony's sake. Hopefully, Tony wouldn't be too mad

“Uhm, yeah, sure, that sounds good.”
“Well, I better get going, still got some things to figure out from yesterday’s meeting.”
“Bye, Rhodes, see you later.”
“Bye, Tony, bye, Pete.”

When Rhodey left, a weird silence filled the room. It wasn’t uncomfortable or anything, it was just the fact that each of them was too invested in their own plates that they didn’t feel the need to speak at all. When Peter was done with his breakfast, he was left with a guilt-ridden feeling of fullness that he hadn’t had in a while, and his immediate thought was that of purging. It was now clear to him that he couldn’t do that anymore, so his brain went to the next best thing.

“Hey, Mr. Stark? Do you think it could be possible for me to use the gym again?”
“I don’t know, Pete, I don’t think it’s safe for you right now.”
“What do you mean?”
I mean, that, even if you don’t yet see it, you’re very close to just being skin and bones, and I’m not a fan of the thought of you collapsing in the gym.”
“But I don’t feel unhealthy, you know?”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean you are healthy.” “Okay, you’re right.”
“I’m sorry, what now?”
“I said you’re right.”
“Damn right, I am. I reached out to Dr. Cho last night, she’ll be here on Monday.”
“Okay, that works, that’s good, right?”
“Yes, Pete, it’s good. Whenever she gives the green light on your health, you can have the suit back and we’ll work on how to optimize the gym for your abilities, does that sound good to you?”
“Sounds great, Mr. Stark.”

Now more than ever, Peter was determined to eat and gain weight as fast as possible so that he could finally go back to doing what he liked the most: defending the city. This was good thing.

____________________

The odd mix of candy and beer smell would always seem weird to Peter. Whenever he walked into Tony’s lab he was hit with that strong smell, and it was something he thought he would never like, but it felt familiar.

“So, kid, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”
“What’s up?”
“As you might now, we had an Accords meeting yesterday morning.”
“Uhm, yeah, I guess I knew. What’s going on with that?”
“The meeting really didn’t move forward much; everyone was wondering what Spider-Man will do about it.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, well, who better to answer that than Spider-Man himself?”
“I don’t really know what to say, Mr. Stark, I hadn’t really thought about it.”
“Have you thought about joining the team?”
“I wouldn’t mind it, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.”
“I agree, Pete, it’s probably the most rational decision, especially when it comes to your health.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“I also wanted to talk to you about Steve and his team, you know, now that we’re talking about you joining us. What are you thinking? What’s your take?”
“I think they’re nice, but I’m not sure about them.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Stark. I’ve been thinking about it, about everything that went down in Germany, I’m not sure they’re the kind of people I’d trust in battle.”
“Maybe it’s time for you to get to know them a little better, they’re not as bad as you might think.”
“Yeah, maybe, I guess it’s a matter of time until we have to work together.”

After that, they kept casually talking about anything and everything while Tony worked on some specs for future Avengers bases. He could also see that he was taking breaks to look over to his phone. Peter had totally forgotten that it was Friday, and that the day before they had had an Accords meeting. Tony was probably checking in with Rhodey and Steve, as he had done since they had started working on a new draft of the Accords.

“So, kid, when are we talking about your web-shooters, huh?”
“What web-shooters?”
“Don’t play dumb, Pete, they’re inside that puff you’re sitting on.”
“How did you find out?” “It didn’t take a genius to know you’d try to get out as Spider-Man.”
“Yeah, well, I guess it didn’t hurt to try.”
“You know, Pete, it’s not that I don’t want you to be happy or be Spider-Man, we just need to be sure that you’re in a good enough shape to keep up.”
“I know, Mr. Stark, I don’t know what I was thinking, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, kid. Now let’s see those new web-shooters, see how we can incorporate them in possible new suits.”

After that, the morning went by without any problems. It was surprising that Tony didn’t make a big fuss out of him trying to escape the Compound. Peter thought the man would get mad at him, but it went surprisingly well. It even got to the point where he wanted to eat more, now that he saw that Tony truly wanted to help him.

____________________

At lunchtime, Tony and Peter went to the main kitchen together. They had a really good morning, and it was nice; so, Peter was determined to extend it to be a good day. FRIDAY had told them that Steve was making lunch, and when they got to the main building, he saw that he made lasagna with garlic bread. An alarm starting blaring inside his head, and there was now a battle going inside his head about whether he wanted to eat or not.

“I hope you like it; enjoy, everyone.”

Peter had served his plate before Tony, but he was sure the man had planned it so that he could see what Peter would put in his plate. Trying to ease Tony’s concerns, Peter served himself a regular portion of lasagna and two garlic breads. When he saw Tony’s satisfaction face, he knew he was doing the right thing. It was all worth it.

He was struggling beyond words. Peter saw everyone gladly eating and savoring the food, but his mind was having a battle, and it was difficult. The lasagna smelled delicious, and he knew for sure that it was good. He was fighting every instinct within him to eat; his mind was screaming at him to stop the fork in his hand. But his body was fighting for the food. He had been deprived of food for so long, and his stomach screamed at him to eat everything in his plate and then take a second serving.

His hand took a life of its own and started eating, and it just wasn’t stopping. The world around him stopped, and he couldn’t hear anything anymore. There was only him and his food. He didn’t even realize when his feet took him to the kitchen island for another piece of lasagna and another garlic bread. It just didn’t stop coming. He hoped no one heard, but he was fairly sure that his mouth involuntarily moaned in satisfaction.

When he finally stopped eating, it was because Tony touched his arm and asked him if he was okay. Now out of his trance he realized he wasn’t. There was no way he had actually eaten everything, right? Where had time gone by? It just didn’t make sense to him at all. It was like he had forgotten that he was alive, and now he was just an endless pit that only received food.

He could feel the food starting to come up his throat, almost like he was already filled up and his stomach was overflowing. Panic was there, too. It just seemed so strange to him that he had fucked up that badly, again. There was nothing more he wanted to do than get up to purge and run around the lake for 4 hours. Now that Tony was clear in the fact that he wasn’t going to allow Peter back in the gym for a while, he had to find other ways. Despite how dark his thoughts were becoming; a very unexpected voice turned to him and spoke.

“Hey, Peter, meet me in the right building, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

What did Steve want from him?

Notes:

Hey guys! I can't believe I'm posting this within a week from the last one, inspiration really came without notice and I love it, hopefully the momentum keeps up!

Last chapter I was suggested to include Tony's addiction in the story, but I don't think the MCU talks much about comics Tony's addiction. I did try to talk over his issues with alcohol; I'm not really sure how that turned out, but please let me know!

Let me know what you think and your suggestions!

I hope everyone has a very nice weekend! x.

Chapter 17: make no mistake

Summary:

TW/ self-harm and eating disorder behaviors.
notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“There’s a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about, Peter.”

As Peter walked into the right building closely behind Steve, he couldn’t help but wonder what the hell was going to happen. His biggest fear was that the man had figured out what was going on with his eating, and that he’d have to lie to yet another person. But that couldn’t be it, right? There was no way the man could’ve figured it out. It was extremely intimidating to walk into the living room, and it suddenly felt too big, making Peter feel as miniscule as he had ever felt.

“Uhm, sure, what’s going on?”
“Was something wrong with lasagna? I noticed something was off with you at lunch.”
“I’m so sorry, I swear I liked it, it was really good.”
“It’s okay, son, I was just concerned, it’s not a big deal.”
“Oh.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“No, yeah, totally, I was probably lost in thought; I’m fine.”
“If you say so, kid.”

That was good, right? Steve didn’t necessarily know, he just thought he didn’t like the lasagna. That wasn’t good, either. When had life gotten so hard that he had to lie to everyone? It was difficult for Peter to keep up appearances with everyone, each of them seeing a different face of him. One tiny part of him wanted everyone to know how fucked up he really was so he didn’t have to pretend anymore. But Peter knew that that was the most idiotic thing he could do, everyone would try to stop him.

“I also wanted to ask you, Pete, about your superhero self.”
“I’m not a superhero.”
“Don’t discredit yourself, I’ve seen the footage, you fight the good fight, and you fight good.”
“It’s what I’m supposed to do, you know? It’s my responsibility.”
“I disagree, son, I think you’re admirable, you don’t have the obligation to do so, but still, you do.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room and Peter stayed perfectly still. He never once believed he was a superhero, and he also knew that he wasn’t that good at it. If he was, Ben and Sophie would still be alive.

“We should test it out someday.”
“What do you mean?”
“Widow mentioned that you’re very enhanced, she says you’re stronger than Bucky and I.”
“Oh, I’m sure she was just joking, it’s nothing special.”
“Still, it could be interesting, don’t you think?”
“I doubt Tony will allow that for a long time.”

His dry laugh stopped him dead in his tracks. It was just a mere moment, but he slipped out something he shouldn’t have. He couldn’t tell Steve that Tony wouldn’t allow him to use his abilities because his body was damn near to giving up; and Peter had just fucked it up.

“What do you mean, Peter?”
“Oh, well, uhm, you know, he doesn’t want to rush Spider-Man into the Avengers. The whole deal with, uhm, my identity and the press, he doesn’t want that to happen soon.”
“But training together wouldn’t put any of that in danger.”
“Well, I – I’m just guessing, I have no clue, you’d have to ask him.”
“What do you think about Spider-Man joining the Avengers?”
“I don’t know, Steve, I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”
“How come?”

The real reason he had told Tony; but he couldn’t blatantly tell Captain America that he wouldn’t trust him to fight alongside him, it was out of the question completely. There were many other reasons why he shouldn’t officially join them, but most of them could be figured out. Peter’s main reason was that one: he couldn’t trust the man who almost killed Tony.

“It’s just the deal with the Accords, and my identity, it would be too much of a mess.”
“That seems... fair, I guess.”
“Yeah, well, we’ll see how things turn out, right? There’s not any rush.”
“That you’re right about.”
“I’m sorry, Steve, I told Tony we’d meet up later to work on something for my suit, I need to go now.”
“Sure thing, Peter, no problem; I’ll see you later.”

Peter didn’t know how else he could get out of the situation. The conversation was starting to die down, and he was starting to get uncomfortable. The whole thing in itself wasn’t nice, but there was a nagging feeling within him that wouldn’t leave him alone. That daemonic hunger within him was starting to scream, and his tastebuds craved chocolate and sweets. It was getting extremely uncomfortable in his own body, and he just wanted to run away from it. But, instead, his feet took him right to where his mind didn’t want him to be.

____________________

The pantry was a place where he usually felt overwhelmed. Every single time he had gotten into the unnecessarily massive room to take out ingredients for the times he was going to cook, Peter felt like he was losing his mind, and like just by being there the calories where adhering to his body. Now, though, it almost felt like heaven. He felt like a child in an amusement park, but one who feared everything around him. His head was spinning, and his feet were dragging him in circles around the room, once again pacing all over the place. His eyes had a very clear goal, and they were set on the chips and the chocolate bars. There was a battle in his head; his neurons fighting his nerves, who were insisting that he stretched his arm and clutched everything he could close to his chest.

His enhanced senses were starting up again, and he could hear something going on in the entrance of the main building. There was a severely messed part of him that was mad at the fact that he could hear from afar again, that meant he had ingested enough food for that to happen; and that was something his brain was actively urging to avoid.

“it’s just weird, that’s all I’m saying.”
“You’re full of shit, Barton, you just wish you were that awesome.”
“Are you telling me you truly believe the kid can crawl up walls?”
“Are you telling me you don’t?”

He tried his best not to make any noise, he really did, but, suddenly, he fell on his back. He must’ve stumbled, but there was nothing he could do now, Natasha’s voice stopped, and he heard her tell Clint that they’d meet up later at the shooting range. The lights flickered on, and now he had just been caught by her, with his hands deep in a chips bag, and a half-eaten chocolate bar.

“Is everything okay there, Peter?”
“Yeah, for sure, no, I’m fine, it’s okay.”
“Are you sure?” Her intimidating gaze and that accusing arched eyebrow were something that Peter truly thought would make him break down his walls and tell her everything; but he wasn’t about to let that happen.”
“Yeah, it’s nothing, really, I just didn’t know what to eat and I stumbled, it’s fine.”
“Doesn’t look like it.”
“Well, it’s what happened.”

He shrugged like it was nothing, but Peter felt his expression showing nothing more than panic, and something told him that Natasha noticed. With the hope that she would let it go, he rushed out of the room with a lame excuse, leaving behind an open potato chips bag, a half-eaten chocolate bar, and a very confused Natasha.

________ . ________

Now that Tony thought about it, he expected less of Peter. When he first saw the kid purging, he thought it would be a very hard path for him to notice that he needed help, much less accept it. So, when he heard Peter saying that he wanted to be better, and that he had every intention of eating more and being healthy again, Tony’s heart fluttered with happiness and relief. He didn’t even want to think what would happen to Peter if he chose to fight the help that he was being offered.

When Pepper was about to leave for California, Tony was left discouraged. She had been gentle and understanding with Peter, something Tony just didn’t have the tone for. He had known Pepper for a long time now, and Tony could tell that she didn’t see much hope in Peter’s future. It was heartbreaking, and Tony hoped that maybe his eyes were tricking him, and that maybe Peter wasn’t that unhealthy.

“I don’t know, Tony, I don’t think this will be easy.”
“I know, Pep, but maybe we can get him someone who –”
“No, Tony, he’s not listening to anyone right now, he’s so defeated, I’m scared for him.”
“Why would you be? The kid will be fine, I’m sure.”
“I’m concerned his body might give up on him, he’s so weak right now, I don’t know what will happen.”
“I’m not gonna let anything happen to him; Cho will come in this weekend, and she’ll have him back to health in an instant.”
“You need to be patient, Tony. He looks up to you, you need to be understanding.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Do you, though?”

That last exchange with Pepper was eye-opening to Tony. She had always known how to talk some sense into Tony, and he was eternally grateful for her intelligence and unconditional support. A scary thought was that, with all her brilliance, she said that she didn’t think Peter would accept help. Tony wasn’t an idiot; he may be in denial about Peter’s health, but he could see that his body was starting to break down.

So, it was incredibly relieving to Tony when he heard FIRDAY’s notification that Peter would be cooking dinner. It was nice to see that the kid was actively trying to be better, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. Now that he had seen FRIDAY’s footage of Peter’s disordered daily activities, Tony didn’t want to think for a minute that it might’ve been true. He didn’t want to fool himself into believing something that Peter could’ve simply elaborated to cover up something else. It felt somewhat paranoic to Tony, how scared he was that everything Peter said or did was a lie to hide that he was starving himself.

____________________

During dinner, Tony made the active effort to not look at Peter or his plate during the meal. It was hopeless, though. He was very aware of the fact that his eyes were glued to Peter’s dish, but he couldn’t help it; he was proud of him for attempting to eat. He realized during breakfast how hard it was for the kid to eat; his expression showed it clear as day that he just wanted to disappear when he had food in front of him. So, now that he saw Peter actually emptying his plate and seeming to enjoy the food, Tony couldn’t help but he proud of the kid. It was hard for him to consciously think that he might’ve been lying but, for a single moment, Tony wanted to believe that Peter was doing better.

His initial plan was to give Peter his space, so that he didn’t feel overwhelmed by his presence and the evident obsession he had with Peter’s eating. Tony didn’t want to talk to him about it, and he knew that if he crossed even a single word with the kid, he would immediately bring up the topic. As to avoid that, he kept talking with Bruce about their plan to create a machine to develop faster cellular growth, as an upgrade for Cho’s regeneration cradle. It was something Tony knew was necessary, especially if Peter was actually thinking about joining the team in missions; he wanted to do the most he could to protect Peter from any possible danger.

When Peter approached him, Tony was wary, trying not to say the wrong thing. Ultimately, he was happy that the kid had decided to try and reach out for help. Tony knew that was one of the hardest things to do, and it was great to see that Peter had done it without much pressure. Hearing Peter’s apology felt weird to Tony. He knew that he had nothing to apologize for, and he knew his response was natural and expected. He didn’t for a second blame Peter for how he reacted to them finding out about his struggles.

It was nice to hear him open up to Tony about how he felt, and it had him thinking that, maybe, if he shared his own experience, Peter would feel less alone in his journey, and would maybe be more open to confiding in Tony about how he actually felt and what he needed. It wasn’t an easy topic for Tony to talk about. It was a daily fight to keep up with how far he had gotten since Rhodey and Pepper helped him out of his alcohol issues. He didn’t feel entitled to tell Peter that recovery was easy and achievable in a couple of days, and it was hard for Tony, because that’s all he hoped for Peter. He wanted his journey to be easier than his own. He wanted him to wake up the next day without the demons in his head, but he knew it just wasn’t possible. Instead, he opted for telling him his own story in the rawest way he could so that Peter would understand.

It was relieving to Tony to see that, after their talk, Peter genuinely sounded like he wanted to recover. It was nice to see him smile, even if it was a small grin. He could sense a small hint of hope in his voice, and it was enough for Tony to decide to hug Peter. He knew that they hadn’t actually established how close they actually were, but, to Tony, Peter was his protégé, and he would do anything for him and his wellbeing.

As they watched the movie, Tony felt at peace. Hoping in his mind that Peter wouldn’t give up on this, and that he’d accept every bit of help. He didn’t really pay much attention to the movie, instead focusing on what should happen next. He knew for sure that he had to find a way to control his eyes whenever Peter was eating. The kid would never tell him, but Tony knew it made him uncomfortable, and that’s the last thing Tony wanted. He ultimately decided to let him to his own thing. There wasn’t really a handbook for eating disorders on enhanced individuals, so Tony decided that it would be best to test the waters first, see how things go in the next days and then, hopefully, agree with Peter on what should happen next.

____________________

When everyone had gone to bed in their respective rooms, Tony made it his goal to not go to sleep until he had things figured out. The next morning, in his mind, would be crucial for Peter’s recovery, and he didn’t want to mess anything up. So, Tony picked up the phone and rang the person he should’ve contacted the first time he saw Peter purging.

“You wouldn’t happen to have five minutes to spare for me, now, would you?”
“What do you want, Tony?”
“I’m sorry to bother you, Helen, I need your help.”
“What happened with the cradle?”
“What? No, that’s not it, everything’s fine with that, all according to plan and schedule.”
“Then what’s going on?”
“There’s an enhanced that we’re thinking of recruiting. Can you drop by this weekend? We need some help with his powers and overall health.”
“I can’t this weekend, but I’ll be there Monday morning. I’ll let you know if I can make it earlier.”
“Wonderful! Then I’ll see you Monday.”
“Goodbye, Tony.”

Tony wasn’t sure if it was wise to tell Helen Cho about Peter’s vigilante persona through the phone. It’s not necessarily small talk and it was very delicate, very confidential information. Tony lived in constant fear that the wrong person would hear that Peter was Spider-Man, and that the kid would be exposed to a life he didn’t sign up for. So, instead, he decided that Peter could tell her himself, when he got to know her personally and trust her with that information.

Now that Helen had given Tony a date for her to come in and check on Peter, Tony felt calm. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It was true that this was just the first step, but he had learned with time that that first step was the most important. No change could happen without that first effort, and this was it. Tony was excited, and he really hoped in the morning he would be greeted by a still motivated Peter.

____________________

As morning came around and Tony woke up, he was now more prepared than ever, and ready to face the challenge head on. The concern that Peter had changed his mind, that he would be uncomfortable during breakfast, that he wouldn’t eat anything. To his surprise, Peter was eating, and he seemed really enthusiastic about it, almost like he was genuinely enjoying his food.

For a moment, Tony was concerned that there was something wrong, that, maybe, Peter was eating that fast just to make him believe that he was better. But there was something within Tony that told him that that just wasn’t the case. He chose to trust the kid and his gut and take it as a good sign.

When Peter mentioned the gym, Tony’s breath got caught in his throat, and he thought that Peter was going to go mad for not being able to exercise the food off. It was gladly surprising that he was okay with it. One thing Tony hadn’t thought about was what was going to happen when Peter regained his health. By now, he was acutely aware of how strong the kid was, and he knew that his abilities extended far beyond anything they had seen. He knew Steve and Bucky were very enhanced, but he also knew that it was small compared to what Peter’s body could do.

While they were silently enjoying each other’s company during breakfast, Tony was lost in thought about how he could help the kid train. It was going to be hard to come up with something that could fit in the Compound, that was something he knew. Tony also knew that Peter wanted to challenge himself and his strength, so he would have to find a way for him to maximize it without turning the whole building upside down. He had time, though, there was no rush; and, for now, he only wanted to spend time with the kid in his safe haven.

____________________

Seeing Peter messing around in his lab was something Tony would never get tired of. It was just mesmerizing to see him be in his element, and he could tell that he was happy and comfortable. It almost felt like nothing was going on, like the kid wasn’t malnourished and like the Rogues hadn’t returned. It was just him with Peter in his lab, spending time improving Tony’s projects and Peter’s suit.

Now that they had figured out the initial issues, Tony thought it would be smart for him to try and get back to normal, so that Peter wouldn’t feel like the only thing in his life was his disorder. So, Tony opted for letting the kid know what the Avengers thought of him and what place should Spider-Man take in the Avengers business. He knew that Peter was still wary of the thought of joining them officially, and rightfully so. There were a million things they’d have to figure out before that could happen.

When Peter said that he wouldn’t trust Steve in battle, Tony was taken aback. He was one of the most endearing people Tony had ever crossed paths with, and, from what he had learned about the kid, he was too trusting for his own good. So, it definitely came as a surprise that he wouldn’t trust them to fight alongside him. Granted, he had already fought them before, and it was very brutal and complicated, so it was something that Tony could relate to, but had never thought about.

After Siberia, Tony decided to block off any hatred, it wasn’t doing him any good. When he saw that Rhodey survived and was doing okay, Tony’s boiling anger simmered down, but not completely. With the Rogues’ return to the Compound, Tony decided that it was time to forgive and forget. He wasn’t doing anyone any good by being bitter about it.

But, now hearing Peter, Tony felt some resentment starting to huddle up in his chest, almost like feeling Steve’s shield again. They couldn’t go out in any missions for the foreseeable future, with everything going on with the Accords, so that was said and done. But eventually, they would have to be back, and Tony realized they had to work on trusting each other again. He made a mental note for that, hoping that he wouldn’t forget it.

Peter’s web-shooters were a topic that was hard for Tony to talk about to the kid. The first thing he felt when he realized when FRIDAY had told him what Peter was up to in his lab was anger. It was unbelievable to Tony to think that the kid would think him fool enough to not notice what he was doing. It concerned him beyond words that he was thinking of ways to get out of the Compound, and, what scared him the most was the chance that he succeeded, and Tony would find him passed out and harmed.

Regardless, he remembered Pepper’s words, and decided to be understanding of Peter. He realized that he had virtually no idea of what was going on inside Peter’s mind, and that he couldn’t truly understand how he felt. Now that he thought about it, he probably felt trapped and scared. So, he chose to not scream at him, instead trying to ease things up and have him help adjust the new version of them for a future suit. After all, there was nothing wrong with tinkering around to avoid any possible web-shooter jams in the future, now, was it?

____________________

When they were at the main kitchen for lunch, Tony was, once more, very aware of how much Peter was struggling. He wanted to hold his shoulder, and reassure him that it would be okay. He had learned from Pepper that he couldn’t pressure Peter into eating enormous amounts of food, and he was determined to avoid any conflicts over that issue. He gave him his space and what he hoped were reassuring smiles.

It wasn’t very easy for Tony to show that he supported him, and he was struggling to do that without Pepper’s help. It seemed to come so naturally for her, and like she knew exactly what to say to make Peter ease up and eat without being stressed out. But, seeing him eat was enough for Tony, he was incredibly proud of Peter.

____________________

It was weird to Tony how Steve had called Peter into the right building. There was no reason Tony could think of for Steve to need the kid. He was very curious but decided to let things flow naturally. If something important was going on, Peter would surely let him know later.

Tony’s intention for the afternoon was to spend it with Peter in the main lab, talking about possible gym equipment for him. But Steve’s plans changed his own, so he made his way up to the lab on his own to work on Peter’s web-shooters and how he could incorporate them in the nanotech suit.

After an hour had gone by, Tony was bored. It was something that happened to him quite frequently when he worked on one project for a long time; he needed change. Without much else to do, Tony decided that it was time for him to face reality and actually research what was going on.

“FRIDAY, do me a favor, search ‘eating disorders’, keyword ‘teenagers’.”
“Right away, sir.”

Suddenly an overwhelming amount of websites appeared in the holopad in front of him. There was so much information, and he could see words that brought chills down his spine. He didn’t want to dig in too deep yet; he knew that, if he did, he would break down and lose his mind, which was something he couldn’t afford to do. He was the grown-up and he had to be responsible for Peter. He couldn’t lie, though, when he saw the death rates for teenagers with eating disorders, Tony’s panic settled in, and his left hand started shaking.

When he dug into the symptoms of an eating disorder, Tony felt as stupid as he had ever felt. He saw things that he noticed before in Peter, and it hurt him to know he ignored the signs. Things like skipped meals, vomiting and pretend eating were displayed in front of him, and almost mocking him for his failure and protecting Peter.

He was too deep in thought, and he wanted to be as informed as possible without losing his sanity, but, suddenly, a sound disturbed his panic.

“Boss, Ms. Romanov is approaching.”
“Close tabs.”
“Hey, Tony, what are you doing?”
“Oh, you know, everything, nothing. What can I do for you?”
“I just wanted to talk with you about the Accords.”
“Again? What for? Isn’t that a topic reserved for Thursdays?”
“I mean it, Tony, something else must be done, we’re getting nowhere, and we are helping no one.”
“What do you suggest?”
“I don’t know; but what I do know is that bureaucratic processes take too long, and it’ll be a lengthy process before we can actually do something.”
“Again, what do you suggest?”
“The issue is that they don’t trust we can act impartially; let’s show them that they’re wrong.”
“And how do you propose we do that?”
“I don’t know, Tony, I was thinking about slowly getting back to it, make small appearances as a team in different territories.”
“Why are you coming to me for this? Why not Rogers?”
“We all know that you’re in charge, Tony.”
“Yeah, well, that’s a lie. We’ll have to talk to Rhodey about it, see what can be done.”
“Sure.”
“Anything else?”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Peter.”
what about Peter?”
“I just found him in the pantry with a bag of chips and chocolate, he seemed overwhelmed, to say the least.”
“Huh.”
“I don’t know, Tony, I’m worried about him.”
“I’ve got it under control, Romanov, no need to worry.”
“Are you sure, Tony? I could –”
“I said I’ve got it under control.”

He knew he was being harsh, and that there was no reason for him to be. It was nice that the team had grown fond of the kid and that they worried about it. But what concerned Peter’s health was something that Tony wasn’t gonna share with anyone for the time being, he couldn’t do that.

It couldn’t be that bad that Peter was eating chips and chocolate, right? That just meant that his hunger was restarting and that he was beginning to crave things again. He didn’t want to believe anything else, but he truthfully thought that it wasn’t a bad thing. He’d have to see, though, and he hoped it was for the better.

________ . ________

When he heard Natasha leave the main kitchen, Peter knew it was his opportunity. His stomach was yelling at him to go back and eat more. It was an animal thing, almost, how hungry he felt. Now it was just him and his stomach, nothing else mattered, only what it wanted Peter to eat.

Without any other rational thought, Peter’s legs guided him to the pantry, and he hoarded as much candy and snacks ad he could, hiding them in his hoodie and holding as much as he could in his arms. He hoped with everything he had that he wouldn’t bump into anyone; there was no easy way to explain what was about to happen.

Thankfully, no Avenger was in his path back to his room. Without more thoughts, he sat in the floor in front of his bed and laid out everything in front of him. There was so much food, and the voice inside him was yelling at him not to eat. It was screaming at him to throw the food down the toilet and run for his life, hoping that he would burn any calories that he may have gained just by having the packages around him.

Feeling as overwhelmed as ever, Peter opened a bag of gummy worms and began eating. He didn’t even register the taste, it was all very confusing in his mind. Package after package, an unbelievable amount of food entered his mouth, and it felt good. The food had shut up the voice inside his head that told him not to eat. The voice that told him that eating wasn’t bad had won. Maybe this time, that voice could turn off his emotions.

It could’ve been an hour, he wasn’t necessarily sure, but he was now lying flat on the floor, more than ten packages of food around him, and he felt nauseous beyond understanding. He was so full, more than he had felt in the past years, and he didn’t know what to do.

It was so stupid of him to think that he was good to eat, he shouldn’t have eaten anything. He should’ve throw the food out and get out of the Compound. He didn’t care about anything anymore. It was so frustrating to Peter how out of control he was, it was now more than feeling powerless, it was now the fact that he couldn’t even control his own body.

He thought that purging would make it better, but he knew that, the instant he put his finger in the back of his throat, Tony would come barging into his room, disappointed and mad. He wasn’t about to let that happen. He had seen how happy the man was during the day, seeing him eat and overall normal during mealtimes. There was no way Peter could ruin that for Tony, after everything he had put him through.

But the voices didn’t want to give up, he had to do something to make up for it. Suddenly, the vague memory of sharp pain came back to him, and his feet took him to the darkest corner of his closet, taking out the bag that held the reminders of how badly he had fucked up when he gained weight after Sophie died.

The blade was shining in the bag, almost calling out to Peter; like it knew how badly Peter needed the pain. He didn’t even hesitate once before taking the blade to his left forearm and began slashing his skin. It was all confusing, and the red was being blurred by the tears in his eyes, and it just didn’t stop.

The rational part of his brain, long forgotten but still there, told him that Tony would find out, and that he’d do anything to stop him from further hurting himself. But now it didn’t matter anymore. For all he cared, Tony could come into the room and take the blade from him. He just needed to feel pain, it was all he now knew.

Before, Peter’s wound began healing the minute the blade had left the cut, and scar tissue began forming immediately after. But now, it was different. The wounds weren’t closing, and blood continued pouring out. It was fascinating and terrifying, and Peter didn’t know what feeling was most present in his mind. Desperately trying to dry the blood off, hoping that nothing would be stained, Peter rushed to get more paper, but the blood just wouldn’t stop flowing.

He was starting to get frustrated. After all, the food he had been eating should give him energy enough to start up his enhances again. That was obviously not happening, so what the hell was going on? His thoughts were interrupted, and he was notified of something he definitely did not want to know about.

“Peter, Mr. Stark wanted me to notify you that Dr. Cho will be here tomorrow morning.”

Notes:

Hey guys! Finally posting this chapter! It took me a ridiculous amount of time to figure out what I wanted to do with this one.

I've been thinking about the possibility of involving a character that could act as Peter's therapist, but I am in no way, shape, or form a licensed therapist, and I don't want to say something I'm not sure about. What do you guys think?

Did you guys enjoy reading Tony's POV in this chapter? Let me know!

 

Happy 5 months anniversary to this story! I can't believe I started writing this in August last year and we're almost at 100k words, truly amazing. I'm really grateful for all of you and your support :)

I'm always open to polite criticism and any comments or suggestions you may have.

 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend ahead!

Chapter 18: the day will come when you can't cover up what you've done

Summary:

TW/ eating disorder thoughts

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

What the hell was going on? Why weren’t the wounds healing? It was beyond frustrating to Peter to know that he could hear from afar, but that his enhanced healing wasn’t working. He was so mad at himself and his body for making the wrong choice. The decision was never really his to make; it was completely out of his control, but, still, Peter blamed himself.

The once big drops of blood were now small droplets, and Peter assumed that that was his cue to start picking up his mess. He would have to sort this out later, there couldn’t even be a single blood-stained tissue paper lying on the floor; it was too big of a risk. The first thing he had to do was clean himself up. There would be a lot of questions if Tony found one of his sweaters carelessly stained with blood.

With his mind as sharp as it had been during the entire afternoon, Peter made his way to the bathroom, intending to clean his forearm as much as possible, hoping that the image would be less morbid. Water definitely seemed harmless. Other than drowning, Peter didn’t really see a scenario in which water could be harmful. That afternoon, he realized how wrong he was. The second water hit his cuts, Peter winced in pain and pulled away. Nobody warned him about that, and he cursed life for it having that reaction. Trying to ignore how much it stung, Peter stuck his forearm under the sink faucet again and bit his lip to avoid making any noise. After he thought the pain was over, he dried his forearm with a paper towel and was hit with another wave of pain, very similar to that of the water, but much rougher. The material against his cuts felt horrible. There wasn’t much logic in it, but the only thing he could resemble it to, was the sound of nails against a blackboard.

Maybe it wasn’t that bad. He was probably being a weak baby and making a big fuss out of it. If he was really going to be a brave Spider-Man, he had to cope with the pain of a few cuts. He had endured much worse, and Peter felt weak and pathetic for being so dramatic. Last time, the wounds disappeared in the morning. They would surely do so again, right? There was really no reason for Peter to overreact this much, they would be gone in the morning and Tony would be none the wiser. It was all going to be okay, and no one was going to figure it out.

It was exhausting, though. The whole rollercoaster of emotions he had been through that afternoon left him tired beyond explaining, and he felt his body desperately begging Peter to let it rest. There wasn’t much that he could do for the time being, now that Tony had banned him from the gym; so, he decided to take a nap. Maybe it would be enough to protect him against the dark thoughts that were invading his mind. Putting on a long-sleeved sweater, Peter laid on his bed and tried to fall asleep.

____________________

“Peter, dinner is ready in the main kitchen.”

The polite automated voice woke Peter up and startled him. He had hoped that falling asleep would make everything magically go away, and that he wouldn’t have to deal with any of it. Despite his hopes, when he actually focused back on reality, panic hit him. Numbers were running through his head, and calories were the one to blame. The carelessness with which Peter had been eating made him aware of how much it was. He couldn’t do that again, there was no way he could forgive himself if he continued eating like that.

Another thing that brought fright to Peter’s mind was the fact that his wounds weren’t even showing a hint of starting to heal. They were still very red and very sore. Even slightly brushing his fingers against them was very painful, and it scared Peter.

“Hey, FRIDAY? Could you tell Mr. Stark that I’m not feeling well and that I don’t think I’ll be able to eat dinner tonight?”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

Who knows? Maybe Tony would be understanding and let him skip dinner. He was definitely not feeling well, but certainly not the type of unwell that would be good enough of an excuse to avoid eating. He felt disgusting for eating so much lasagna, chips, and chocolate. Thinking about eating ever again left him a constant distraught feeling that wouldn’t go away.

Surely enough, he was wrong, and Tony came into the room five minutes after Peter had asked FRIDAY to tell Tony that he didn’t feel like eating.

“What’s going on, Peter? We had a deal.”
“I know, Mr. Stark, I’m just not feeling well, I’m still very full from lunch.”
“I’m sorry to say this, kid, but that’s bullshit. I’m pretty sure your metabolism already digested lunch.”
“But, I’m serious, Mr. Stark, I don’t think I can.”
“You need to eat something, your body needs it.” Now that was definitely a lie Peter had learned was made up to make kids eat more. “I expect you to be there in five minutes, don’t make me come back up here again.”
“Okay, Mr. Stark.”

As the man left the room, Peter let out a frustrated grunt. When. Would Tony stop being so dramatic? Peter was okay, and he really didn’t need to eat more. Regardless, he knew damn well that Tony would go back up to his room if he didn’t show his face in the kitchen, and he would certainly shove food down his throat if Peter refused. Trying his best to avoid any more conflicts with the man, Peter reluctantly stood up and made his way to the main kitchen.

____________________

As soon as he exited the left building, Peter was hit with a very strong smell of grease that made him want to gag and run in the opposite direction. How could they carelessly cook such unhealthy foods without any further thought? It seemed ridiculous to Peter.

When he actually entered the building, Peter was panicking and trying to look for Tony. He may be mad, but he knew that the man had the best intentions at heart. After all, Tony was the only one in the Compound that knew how much he was struggling with food, and he could tell that Tony was doing his best to understand his situation and be there for him.

Nevertheless, Tony was talking to Steve in the counters in the other side of the room. He wouldn’t dare interrupt them, instead trying to make himself comfortable around food. He wasn’t paying much attention to where he was going, and he didn’t realize until he gasped in pain that he had hit his left forearm with the corner of the kitchen island. It was the type of pain that was hard to explain. He had endured much worse injuries, but this stung terribly.

Peter bit his lower lip in the hopes that no one would’ve noticed what happened. Most of them were too busy talking to each other and weren’t too perceptive; maybe he was safe.

“Is everything okay, Peter?”
“Uhm, yeah, sure, why wouldn’t it be?”
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“No, why would you say that? Everything’s fine, I’m okay.”
“That seemed like a grimace of pain to me.”
“I’m okay, Bucky, really, I just hit my arm with that corner. Those things really suck, don’t they? It’s like they’re trying to make you bump into them.”
“Sure…”

Bucky took one last confused glance at Peter and shrugged his shoulders, effectively dismissing the issue. It was relieving to Peter that he had gotten good enough at lying that it was that easy to fool even a super-soldier.

“Food’s ready, I hope you like it.”

When Bruce called for them to serve their plates, Peter tried to remain in the back, hoping that no one would notice. Thankfully, no one did, and he was able to serve himself a small patty and two pieces of lettuce. As he sat down on Tony’s right, the man smiled at him and began talking with the rest of the team.

It was definitely a challenging dinner for Peter, and he was struggling to keep a happy face in front of everyone. His thoughts were mostly about how many calories would he be forced to eat before he got to a point where he would be unable to be thin again. A horrible comment interrupted his thoughts, and he was forced to face the fact that he couldn’t hide his issues from everyone.

“Are you on a diet or something?”
“Yeah, Wilson’s right, who doesn’t serve their burger with buns and fries?”
“Definitely someone with issues, Clint, what the hell, kid? What’s up with you?”

Peter didn’t dare look up, putting all his energy into avoiding betraying tears to run down his cheeks. It seemed like time had stopped, and like an extremely uncomfortable environment had just set in the kitchen. It may have been just Peter who sensed it, but if he focused on something else, he was fairly sure he’d lose it.

“Hey, Cap, how’s it been joining Wilson back again at the Department of Veteran Affairs?”
“It’s been nice, very intense…”

Tony quickly changed the topic and switched the focus from Peter to Steve and the conferences that he was helping with for veterans. Peter didn’t dare make a noise, too afraid that everyone would look back again to him and question his plate. After their comment, the food seemed to have multiplied by a thousand, and there was an unbearable amount of it in his plate. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Natasha and Wanda looking at him with eyes full of pity and concern, and it drove Peter crazy. Did they notice? Did they agree with Sam and Clint? Were they going to mention anything? The lack of answers on itself was overwhelming.

Peter knew that trying to get up from the table without finishing his meal would only end up with a fight between himself and Tony, and Peter was much too exhausted to withstand that again. Instead, he chose to eat everything in his plate, and not look anywhere other than his plate. Wanting to make his time at the kitchen as short as possible, Peter shoved what was left on his plate into his mouth and jumped out of his seat to run to his room, not even taking a second to thank Bruce for the meal.

____________________

The cuts weren’t healing, numbers were still running through his head, and Sam and Clint’s comments tortured him more than he could imagine. It had been such a hard day, and Peter didn’t really know what to do anymore. It was all so frustrating, and there was nothing he could do to fix any of his issues.

Maybe what Sam and Clint were trying to say was that he needed to go in a diet. They must’ve thought that he was fat, and that he needed to be fitter if he wanted to be worthy of being called an Avenger, like them. Were they the only ones who thought that? Surely all the team would want their teammates to be strong and mighty, qualities Peter knew he couldn’t possibly have. So, maybe, they were right, and maybe it was important for him to try harder to eat healthier.

Tony wouldn’t be nosy enough to get into Peter’s business any time he ate low-calorie foods or exercised; Peter seriously doubted that. He knew that the man was doing what he thought was the best thing for Peter, but he didn’t think Tony would be actively on the lookout for Peter doing what he needed to do to be better. It would be okay; it would be fine.

He immediately got down to the floor and began doing crunches, sit-ups, and push-ups. If Tony wouldn’t allow him in the gym with equipment, Peter would just work out in his room. If there was something Peter knew was to make something work having little resources. He used to do it all the time with stuff he found in the garbage dump; he repaired them with whatever he could find. So, it wasn’t that irrational for him to repair the fuck up that he had made.

After about an hour, Peter was sweaty and deadly dizzy. His body had definitely been through it, having had Peter push it to its limits on every possible end. He had been hungry in the morning, and he had eaten a lot during the afternoon. Exercising just made the already unstable situation a hell lot worse, and it made him nauseous beyond words.

Regardless of how drained he felt, in a sick way, he was happy with it, proud of himself, even. He had pushed himself to be better, and his body was just whining about it; nothing bad was going on. Halfway through his workout, Peter heard Tony going up the stairs alongside Bruce to the scientist’s lab. He even heard them sit down and chat. During the remaining of his workout, Peter feared that Tony would hear him and go downstairs to stop him, but it was just silence. Content with it, and with his arm still sore, Peter washed his face and went to sleep.

____________________

“Slept good, kid?”
“Yeah, Mr. Stark, I’m fine.”

That was a lie, to say the least. He had a restless night, and it was hard for him to conceal that. He could feel the bags under his eyes, and his forearm still hurt, especially when the fabric brushed up against the wounds. He had been tormented with thoughts of food all night long, and it was definitely hard to be around it in the morning, when Tony expected him to eat normally.

If it were more, Peter would lose his mind, so he simply served himself a slice of turkey ham and a rice cracker. He was extremely aware of the fact that the Avengers thought he needed to go into a diet, and he had to be his best if he was ever to join the team.

“That’s not enough, Pete, you have to eat more.”
“I’m fine, Mr. Stark, I’m really not hungry.”
“Come on, kid, something else.”

Once again, to avoid confrontation, Peter sighed in frustration at Tony’s demand. He took six grapes out of the bowl and put them on his plate. It definitely filled it up, made it seem like it was way more than it actually was. Tony wasn’t fooled, though. He simply rolled his eyes, and Peter expected that the man would tell him to add more to his plate, but he didn’t say anything else.

After he was done eating, Peter realized what time it was. He used to have faked his breakfast by 8am, but now he was actually sitting there, having finished eating. It was a disgusting thought; especially knowing that he couldn’t burn any of it.

“Helen will be here in two hours.”
“What?”
“I told you yesterday, she made time and is coming at 10am.”
“What did you tell her?”
“Just that you’re enhanced, and a possible new recruit.”
“Oh.”
“You don’t need to tell her anything about being Spider-Man, though I think you should.”
“Yeah, that sounds good, it’s for the better, right?”
“Right.”

In all honesty, he only agreed to telling Helen to comply with Tony. He knew that the one thing that would ease Tony’s mind was for Helen to know the full story, and to act on it. Now that Peter wanted to try and diet again, he couldn’t afford to anger the man, it would simply mess up his plans.

“What will happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s going to happen when she gets here?”
“She’ll probably draw some blood, we need to know what’s in that DNA of yours; she’ll probably take your measurements, too.”
“O-Okay.”
“Maybe, in the future when you’re healthier, we can talk to her about testing out the extents of your enhancements, how does that sound?”
“Sounds good, Mr. Stark.”

One of Peter’s biggest fears about all of this was that Helen would notice what he had been doing to his body, and that he’d snitch on him to Tony. If that was the case, everything he had been trying to do would be useless, and he’d be back to square one.

“Will you be there, Mr. Stark?”
“It’s up to you, bud, whatever you need.”
“Actually, I was wondering if it’s possible for you not to be there?”
“I’m not taking offense, but, why not?”
“I’m just ashamed, is all.”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Pete. But, as I said, it’s up to you. I’ll introduce you and we’ll meet up later.”

____________________

“Thank you for coming in, Helen, it’s really nice of you.”
“No problem, Tony. So, who’s this one?”
“This is Peter, he’s staying with us.”
“Tony tells me you’re enhanced, is that right?”
“Uhm, yeah, I’m kind of, uhm Spider-Man.”

There was nothing more that Peter wanted to do than dig a hole in the ground and lie in it until he suffocated to death. The way too pristine office was intimidating, and he felt even smaller than he probably was. He felt like a child again; a defenseless kid who relied on his parents to speak up for him. Except this time, it was Tony Stark, and he was just his charity case.

“That’s great, Peter, I’ve seen your work, it’s really impressive.”
“Uhm, thank you, but it’s nothing important, just doing what I can.”
“Well, this is my cue to leave. I have to deal with some stuff with the Accords, you know the deal. I’ll see you later, Pete?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, thank you.”

When Tony left the room, Peter was left with the most uncomfortable situation of all. He didn’t know how to talk to her, didn’t even know if he wanted to talk to her. Thankfully, or maybe dreadfully, she began talking.

“So, Peter, tell me a little bit about yourself.”
“Uhm, I’m 15, and I’m a freshman at Midtown School of Science and Technology.”
“That’s really impressive. Do you know yet what field you want to get into?”
“Maybe biochemical engineering? I’m not sure yet, but it’s really fascinating.”
“If you do decide to go into that field, tell Tony to drop you off in Seoul; you can learn a lot there from us.”
“That sounds amazing, Dr. Cho, but I’m not sure I’m smart enough.”
“I guess we’ll see about that.”

Peter decided that he trusted her. She seemed very nice and approachable, it made Peter feel comfortable in what initially was one of the most dreadful scenarios he could ever imagine.

“How did you meet Tony?”
“Spider-Man things, he took me to Germany when the whole deal of the Accords started.”
“So, he recruited you when you were 15?”
“I don’t know about recruiting, I’m just kind of there, you know? I’m sure he had much better options.”
“You seem very talented, Peter, I’m sure Tony thinks so, too.”
“I really wouldn’t know.”
“And why are you staying here with him?”
“Well, my aunt had to leave to go to Sweden for a postgraduate degree, and I didn’t have anywhere else to stay.”
“What about your parents?”
“They died when I was young, it’s just me and my aunt now.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that, Peter.”
“It’s okay, it was a long time ago.”

Silence filled the room again, and Peter didn’t know what else to do while Helen typed in her computer other than fiddle with his fingers. He was very nervous about what happened next. It was obvious that she was trying to make the environment more comfortable for him, but Peter realized that it was now time to actually dig into the whole reason they were both there.

“What are your enhancements so far?”
“Well, I’ve gotten stronger since I got them, and I can also sense things.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You know, kinda like a sixth sense? When something’s coming, I guess I can sense it before it hits.”
“Interesting… anything else?”
“My senses were dialed, too.”
“I bet that’s not comfortable for you.”
“I’ve gotten used to it, it’s not always easy, but it is what it is.”
“Maybe we can do something about that in the future.”
“Hopefully, it can get really overwhelming. Oh! I almost forgot; I can climb up walls.”
“Climb up walls?”
“Yeah, I think my fingers got sticky and now that happens. It’s much easier with the suit Mr. Stark made for me.”
“How did you say you got your powers?”
“We were out on a field trip, and we went to this huge research center. They were experimenting on some spiders to make them as physically advantaged as possible. One got out and it bit me, I think. The next morning, I woke up with an unbelievable amount of energy, and that’s about it.”
“Have you had any issues with temperature?”
“Well, a few days ago I was really cold and couldn’t help it.”
“Spiders can’t thermoregulate, Peter. It seems to me that, with the bite, you got a lot of a spider’s abilities.”
“Oh.”
“We’ll know more in the future.”
“That sounds good.”

It was exciting for Peter to think about finally knowing the extent of what he could do. He could feel his power, but he was also aware of how limited it was It was almost like it was guarded in a vault and locked by his darkest thoughts.

“What do you think your body needs to keep up?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, with your activities and the likely enhanced metabolism, your body surely needs a lot of fuel.”
“Well, I don’t think I need that much, I’m fine eating the regular stuff, you know? I don’t feel weak or anything.”
“Did you know that Steve’s and Bucky’s bodies are enhanced? Similar to your own.”
“Yeah, I do know.”
“Turns out their bodies need three times the amount of a regular human being; they burn through energy much faster, so they need more intake to survive.”
“I don’t think I’m as powerful as they are.”
“If what you’re telling me is any indication, I’m willing to bet your enhancements are stronger than theirs.”
“Oh.”

If what Helen was saying was true, that mean that he would have to increase his food intake in unbelievable proportions, and that was something he didn’t fathom be possible. He had seen since his arrival to the Compound that Steve and Bucky ate a hell lot, and it was overwhelming and intimidating. The sole thought of having to eat even more than them was daunting and panic-inducing.

“Come on, Peter, let’s get you weighed.”

They walked together to the room next-door where the scale and a bunch more of medical equipment was. He couldn’t really name most of them, but the overly advanced scale he knew well, and it was terrifying.

“Please take off your sweater, Peter.”
“Uhm, actually, would it be okay if I kept it on? I don’t feel comfortable without it.”
“That’s fine.”

She looked at him suspiciously but then focused on setting up the scale. Peter couldn’t risk her seeing his wounds and telling Tony about it. There wasn’t really a believable explanation for his despair to keep the sweater on, so he hoped that Helen wouldn’t think much of it.

“Step on up, please.”

There was a part of Peter that wanted to know the number. He wanted to know how badly he fucked up, so that he knew what his new start point was. But the other side of him, the wiser side of him, won, and decided to keep his eyes closed. If he knew the number, he would probably have a meltdown knowing that it would never be low enough. The last thing he needed was to have a panic attack in front of Helen Cho.

“You’re very underweight, what’s going on?”
“It isn’t anything serious, I’m fine, really.”
“The numbers don’t lie, Peter, you need to gain weight; otherwise, your body will soon give up on you.”
“I swear, it’s nothing bad, it can’t be that bad.”

She looked at him in what Peter understood to be an annoyed look. Peter knew that he wasn’t healthy, but it was definitely not on the lower side of the scale. If anything, she was delusional and didn’t focus on how much weight he actually needed to drop. There was little he could do to convince her that he was fine, so he remained silent.

“I don’t know how else to explain this to you, Peter, your weight and bone density are dangerously low.”
“Please don’t tell Mr. Stark.”
“I’m sure you know there’s something called patient confidentiality; I won’t tell Tony.”
“Thank you so much, Dr. Cho.”
“But you need to know that if it gets any worse, he’ll have to know. He’s in charge of you, Peter, and it’s important to keep an eye on this.”
“Yes, I promise it’s fine.”
“Let’s draw some blood, we need to run some tests to really know what’s going on with your enhancements.”

He sat down in a chair that was next to the scale and waited for her to take out the tourniquet, the tubes and the needle. It was always scary for him, and he never liked needles, but he wanted nothing more than to avoid fighting with Tony, so he had to face this head on.

“What’s your dominant hand?”
“Oh, I’m right-handed.”
“Please show me your left arm.”
“Uhm, why can’t it be on the right one?”
“You might get a little sore, so it’s better to do it in the opposite arm.”
“Oh, actually, uhm, I just thought – maybe it could be on the right one? I, uhm, I hit my left arm yesterday, and it still kinda hurts.”
“Okay, no problem.”

Back in her office, Peter was waiting for her to return. She had drawn four tubes of blood, and she asked him to wait for her in her office to talk him through what happens next.

“So, Peter, here’s what happens. I’ll send these to a specialized lab; Stark Industries owns it, I doubt there’ll be any issues with your identity, I’ll talk to Tony in a minute to mention that.”
“Okay, that’s fine.”
“It’s just the basics, we’re getting your hemogram, vitamin levels, thyroid, creatinine, glucose and folic acid.”
“Oh, wow, that seems… extensive.”
“We want to get a better understanding of how your body works. We’ll get the results on Monday, but it’ll be a while before I can have a sit-down with you and Tony about your enhancements and genetics.”
“That’s fine, thank you so much.”

____________________

If that wasn’t one of the most anxiety-inducing situations Peter had ever been in, he didn’t know what else could be. Every single minute he was in there with Helen he was scared. She was very nice to him, and Peter knew how smart she was, but the whole deal of it had nothing to do with her character. Whatever the results were would change his situation entirely, especially knowing that Tony would see them. Something that Peter hadn’t really realized was the fact that, for all intents and purposes, he was his legal guardian while May wasn’t there, and he had ignored the fact that he was in charge of his wellbeing. He’d have to deal with that later, though.

Right now, Peter was feeling overwhelmed. When he was exiting the main building, he heard Helen call Tony into his office, and Peter feared the worst. What if she had lied to him and she was currently telling Tony that he was underweight? The uncertainty was driving him crazy.

His feet were leading him, and they were effectively in charge of his whole body. He didn’t really know where he was going, but he knew that he was out in the open and that the smell of trees was strong enough to give him a weird sense of peace.

He was hyperventilating, that much he knew. Peter noticed a presence behind him, and he almost didn’t want to know who it was. Regardless, he distinctively recognized her voice, but his mind just didn’t acknowledge it; it was too far deep within itself to know what to do.

Ignoring her, he hoped that Wanda would go away; that she would see that he was having a hard time and that she’d leave him alone. Instead, she felt a strong grip on his left forearm which made him turn on his heels and face her.

The pain was almost unbearable. It actually felt like needles all over his forearm. He knew that they were starting to heal at a regular pace, but there was scar tissue that made it really uncomfortable for his skin to touch any fabric, much less have someone strongly hold it. He winced loudly in pain, and the next thing he knew was that, after having a red hue pull up his sleeve, a cold breeze was hitting his forearm, and his cuts were left for anyone to see.

“What is this, Peter?”

Notes:

Hey guys! I'm definitely on a roll lately, I can't believe I'm actually posting this now, I genuinely thought it would take longer.
100K words!! who would've guessed? Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and support!

Did you guys like how that part with Helen was written? I wasn't too sure, but let me know!
Let me know what you guys think! I love reading your comments and suggestions!

I hope everyone has a beautiful week ahead of you :) x.

Chapter 19: now, don't lose your fight, kid

Summary:

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There was a part of Peter that knew this was going to happen. When he saw Wanda and the red hue emanating from her left hand, Peter knew that it was the moment she would know what was going on. He hadn’t prepared for it at all, there were no plans in his head for what to do next. To put it lightly, Peter was shocked. He was left speechless, too scared of what Wanda would say. Instead, instinctually, he pulled down his sleeve and tried looking away, trying to find a way to get out of that situation.

“What’s that about? What’s going on?”

If there was something Peter had gotten good at was improvised lying. He had come up with several made-up excuses for skipping mealtimes and his tears; this shouldn’t be any harder. The first option that came to mind was using Spider-Man as an excuse. They had just found out about him, and they had very little information about what he did was Queens vigilante. He could say that he got hurt when he was out in patrol. How could they deny that? They had absolutely no way to prove that he hadn’t gone on patrol since they found out about his alternate persona. But the issue was that she had seen his cuts, and they were perfectly aligned. Anyone would know that it was a lie.

A second option was that he got hurt while cooking. He knew that Wanda had seen him cook; maybe she would believe that he accidentally cut himself while cooking. Now that Peter thought about it, he hadn’t really cooked that much lately, and no one would be dumb enough to continue cooking so carelessly to cut themselves over and over again; that just wouldn’t work.

The last option was to say that he wanted to test the limits of his healing. They didn’t know anything about his abilities; hell, he didn’t even know himself what he could do. It could be a plausible excuse, and no one would ever doubt his intention. After all, Steve and Bucky must’ve also had their share of trial-and-error situations when it came to his enhancements.

“Okay, so, you know I’m enhanced, right?”
“Yeah…”
“I just wanted to see how fast my healing is, you know? I don’t really know how to explain it. The night you guys found out about Spider-Man I got hit in the ribs, and it hurt like hell; but the next morning the bruises were gone. I figured I should test it out with other things, see how quickly it works.”
“There are many other ways to figure it out, Peter.”
“I just don’t really know what else I can do, and it’s been a really interesting and educational journey.”
“You should tell Tony, I’m sure he can help you work something out so that you know what your body can do without harming yourself.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”
“How come?”
“He’s got so much on his plate; I don’t want to bother him with this.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”
“Maybe later.”
“Promise me you won’t do this again, there are many ways to test out your enhancements; this isn’t safe.”
“I promise, Wanda.”

Peter hated lying. It had gotten to the point where the vast majority of his speech was consumed by lies and deceit. He couldn’t really make good on his promise to Wanda; there was no way Peter could know if he would harm himself again. Chances are he would, but he thought that it didn’t hurt to think that it was possible.

If he got down to the technicalities, he hadn’t really lied to Wanda that much. When he said that he didn’t want to bother Tony, he meant every word. The last days he had very clearly seen that this whole situation with his eating was taking a toll on the man, and it was something Peter desperately wanted to avoid. There were little words that could honestly explain how grateful he was to Tony and what he had done for him since he met him.

He also didn’t lie when he said that he didn’t know what else to do. Sometimes he felt so overwhelmed that he harmed himself to avoid having a very public breakdown in front of everyone; it was his escape. He had learned so much from it; he had learned about his demons and how to shut them up; he learned that he had to be careful if he didn’t want to die; but most of all, he learned how to keep things secret. That would definitely come in handy in the future.

“Any plans for the afternoon, Peter?”
“I’m not really sure, I thought I was meeting up with Tony after breakfast, but I haven’t heard from him.”
“We’re playing darts in the right building after lunch; it’s just Nat, Sam, and me; you’re welcome to join us if you want.”
“Thank you, Wanda, I’d like that.”

Anything was a welcome distraction from what was currently going on. The whole thing with Helen Cho was overwhelming, to say the least. And the fear that she had told Tony about how underweight Peter actually was brought shivers down his spine. It was scary for him to think about spending time with them, and doubt clouded his mind. The million possible scenarios were scary in themselves and thinking about it made it worse. But maybe, just maybe, this was a good thing.

Since his arrival to the Compound, Peter had actively avoided any contact with the Rogues when Tony wasn’t around. If he got himself in a situation in which he was with one of them, he stayed because he wasn’t rude; but he hadn’t really sought to get closer to them. Maybe this time was as good as any to try and get to know them better. He was sure that they were good people, regardless of what had happened in Germany. If Peter had learned anything at all from life was that a mistake doesn’t define a person; and he was willing to give them a chance.

Now he had something to do after lunch, and a part of him was looking forward to it. Being distracted really took a big weight off his shoulders for at least a couple of minutes, and he was grateful to be included. Regardless of what the future held, a sound pulled him out of his thoughts, and a message alerted him that Tony was asking to meet him in the tracks.

____________________

“Uhm, Mr. Stark? Why are we out here?”
“Don’t overthink everything, Pete. It’s a nice day, and extra vitamin D won’t hurt you; don’t be so wary.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“So, kid, how did it go with Helen?”

It wasn’t like Peter didn’t trust Tony; if there is one true thing in his life was that he would trust Tony with his life. Regardless, it felt bizarrely uncomfortable to talk to Tony about how it had gone with Helen. Truthfully, Peter didn’t know why. Nothing extremely terrible had happened, and he knew that Tony would eventually find out about everything that had gone down. But it just felt weird, and he wasn’t exactly sure if he was showing it or not.

“I don’t know, Mr. Stark, it was hard.”
“How come?”
“Well, you know? It wasn’t easy, and I guess I felt kinda scared? It’s so pathetic.”
“It’s really nothing to be ashamed of, kid; tell me about it.”

Honesty and transparency were some things Peter was actively trying to work on. Now that Tony knew, there was little he could do to hide what was going on with him. He had cameras all over the place, and it wouldn’t cost him anything to simply command FRIDAY to show him what Peter was up to. It was useless to try to lie. On the other hand, there was something inside of Peter that didn’t want to lie to Tony. The man knew him well enough now, and he would surely see through his lies. After all, he was a genius, and certainly insightful. Peter trusted him, and he knew it was in his best interest to avoid engaging in conflict with Tony, so he was honest.

“I’m scared about what the DNA test shows.”
“Why would you be scared, huh? What concerns you?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Stark. I’ve had these powers for a while now, and it’s weird to think I don’t know what’s going on in my body.”
“What do you mean?”
“It would make me face my reality, come to terms with what my body can do. I’m not sure I can handle it.”

The stress that had been building up for a while resulted in Peter deciding to break down a little; be sincere and express to Tony how he was feeling. It was scary, he never liked feeling weak or vulnerable; it made him feel exposed. But right now, something inside of him told him that Tony would help.

“You know, Pete, it’s okay to not have it all figured it out sometimes. I’m sure whatever comes back from the lab you’ll be able to handle like a champ.” Suddenly, Tony’s pat in the back felt almost as comforting as May’s hugs did. “You’ve done great so far; I don’t see how knowing would change anything.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”
“Besides, I’ll be here every step of the way, everything will be alright.”

Tony’s support felt very comforting to Peter, he didn’t feel as alone as he did when he was in there with Helen. If anyone could help him figure things out, that would be Tony; he had done it before when he first learned that Peter was Spider-Man. The only rational thing was that he tagged along for whatever came next.

“What did she tell you?”

It was scary to think that Helen had told Tony about Peter’s weight. She had told him that it was dangerously low, but that’s something Peter didn’t want to put on Tony; he hoped things would get under control before he found out.

“She said you’re very bright, she seemed really impressed.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, she said you should go to her lab in Seoul.”
“That would be incredible!”
“Just say the word, kid, anytime.”
“Oh, Mr. Stark, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry, I just –”
“It’s fine, Pete; we can revisit the idea later.”
“What else did she say?”
“The results should be back within the week, but she said that timing may vary; she’ll let us know.”

Relief was something that Peter hadn’t known to be a constant in his life since he first started struggling with his weight. But when Tony said that Helen hadn’t told him about his being underweight, Peter was relieved beyond words. It gave him the time to ponder his thoughts, and to plan for when the man found out. It was inevitable, but he was grateful for whatever time he could make to prolong that.

“What’s gonna happen now?”
“Now we go to lunch; I ordered poke for everyone.”
“Oh.”
“Something wrong, kid?”
“I’m scared, Mr. Stark.”

Now, here’s the deal. Peter did want to be sincere with Tony, and he wasn’t lying at all. There was a constant struggle in his mind, and he just needed a break. But it was also strategic; if Tony saw that Peter was opening up to him, maybe he could go back to dieting before he thought possible. After all, Tony wanted to see Peter trying to recover; it wasn’t irrational to think that sharing his feelings with the man would definitely ease things up.

“How come?”
“You know, I just – I just don’t know if I can eat that much.”
“That’s fine, Pete, you don’t have to eat a lot.”
“Really?”
“Sure, just throw in protein and some veggies; it doesn’t have to be a mammoth portion.”
“Are you sure?”
“Baby steps, right?”
“Right.”

____________________

When entering the main building, Peter felt oddly relaxed. There was a very light environment in the room, and everyone seemed to be chatting and joking with each other. Recently, Peter always had an uncomfortable feeling when entering the kitchen for any mealtime. It was mostly a frightening feeling; like something terrible was about to happen. But not now; it was comfortable and just nice.

In his mind, Tony had done this intentionally. Lunch wasn’t already served for everyone; the toppings were all laid out in the kitchen island, buffet style. It was very comforting for Peter to know that he had control over what he would eat, and he trusted that Tony wouldn’t say much about it if he served himself a small portion. He was last to pick up his plate, and he put in a couple of shrimps, a spoonful of cubed avocado, a spoonful of mango, and a spoonful of cubed salmon. It wasn’t that much, right? Hopefully, Tony would be okay with it and wouldn’t comment any further on his lunch.

“When are we gonna go back out on missions?”
“Onto heavy conversation, huh?”
“I don’t know about you, Cap, but I’m feeling pretty useless sitting here and not helping anyone.”
“It’s complicated, Sam, we can’t just do whatever we want.”
“What needs to happen, Rhodey? What can we do?”
“We need to hand in our version of the first draft of the Accords.”
“Sam’s right, we are wasting time, just sitting around.”

Whatever nice environment was in the room when Peter entered was long gone now, and an uncomfortable one took its place when Steve and Sam were saying that they should go back out on missions. Peter saw the exact moment that Tony’s expression shifted; his face muscles stiffening into his well-known frown. It was slightly obvious that what came next would probably be a very similar situation to that they were caught into after the meeting in Washington.

“Then what do you propose, Rogers? We don’t have a choice; what you did brought us here. You made your bed, and now we all have to lie in it.”

Everyone remained silent, and he could see in Sam and Steve’s faces that they wanted to say something but refrained from doing so. Since Peter’s arrival to the Compound, he realized that, even though they were amicable to each other, the Rogues were on thin ice, and they relied on Tony’s support to stay out of jail. He agreed with Tony, regardless of the fact that he understood Steve’s point of view. But Peter’s mood had ever so slightly improved since he talked to Tony, and he had a small bit of courage from opening up to Tony.

“Uhm, I don’t know if this is worth it, it’s probably not, and I’m definitely wrong; I was thinking that maybe, you know, to speed things up, you could hand in a local proposal? It’s stupid, I’m sorry.”
“What do you mean, kid?”
“I don’t know, Rhodey, I just thought that, you know, I go out as Spider-Man, and he operates locally, right? So, maybe, if you guys start locally, it would be sort of a slow-paced return to the public eye.”
“How so?”
“Well, I thought maybe something like I do? Maybe going out individually and then teaming up in duos or something, gathering the team slowly, with time.”

Peter didn’t dare look up from his plate, but he could sense that everyone was exchanging looks with each other. He saw out of the corner of his eye that Tony smiled, which he took as a good sign.

“Could that be a thing?”
“I don’t know, Tony, we’d have to modify the first draft and propose a gradual return of the Avengers.”
“But that’s good, right? Something is better than nothing.”
“If we do this, it has to happen fast. The United Nations are getting fed up with excuses and we need to give them something.”

After that, Peter disconnected from the conversation. It wasn’t like he didn’t take any interest in what they were discussing, but his brain was out of it. He heard his name a couple of times, but they weren’t calling out for him to respond. He focused on his bowl and kept eating. Honestly, he didn’t expect his idea to be accepted. Maybe Rhodey was saying that to avoid embarrassing him in public, but Peter liked to think that he had said the right thing, and that he had contributed to the team.

Having kinda eased up the situation, Peter started wondering if officially joining the Avengers would be a smart thing. Having Spider-Man join the Accords’ conversation was something he constantly had on his mind. With all that had been going on lately, Peter hadn’t had the chance to tell Tony what he had been thinking. What concerned him the most was what would happen with his identity. He hoped that maybe he could sign as his alternate persona, never having to give away his name. It was confusing, but his contribution to the conversation made him think that it was worth solving.

It was odd to Peter that he didn’t feel deadly full after finishing his plate. The day before, he swore that he would explode; his stomach felt so unbelievably full, he feared that would happen this time again. But, surprisingly, it didn’t. When everyone was done with their own plates, everyone started clearing out their place and heading out of the main building. Wanda had invited him to hang out with them after lunch; so, when he saw them walk out of the kitchen together, Peter didn’t hesitate to follow them.

____________________

There was no way Peter could’ve anticipated how much fun he was having with Natasha, Sam, and Wanda. When they were done playing, Sam kept saying that he wanted a rematch and that he was in obvious disadvantage because he wasn’t enhanced. Granted, Wanda redirected the darts with her magic, and Peter had gotten much better at aiming after becoming Spider-Man; but Sam didn’t have an excuse for losing to Natasha.

As they were laughing at Sam’s pouts, a dart got right in the center, and Peter looked back to see that it was none other than Clint Barton who threw it. It was absolutely amazing, and truly mesmerizing.

“How did you do that?”
“Don’t be fooled, kid, he’s not that good.”
“She’s just jealous. I trained a lot back when SHIELD was still a thing. Marksmanship is my thing, everyone around here has one.”
“It’s really impressive.”
“Yeah, well, Pete, I’ve gotten better with time. Stark’s tech really helps.”

After a couple of minutes chatting about both Natasha’s and Clint’s past at SHIELD, they moved to the living room and continued the conversation. It was very surprising to Peter that he wasn’t at all uncomfortable. He was actively participating, and it felt easy to talk to them. Who knows? Maybe what started as a terribly dreadful day would end as a pretty good one.

“Hey, Peter, have you given any thought to joining the team?”
“Honestly, Ms. Romanov, I’m not really sure. What do you guys think?”
“Personally, I’d like to go another round with you, I want payback for Germany. You cheated.”
“We went over this, Sam; he didn’t cheat, he’s just stronger than you are.”
“That’s crap, I’d like to get another chance at beating his ass.”
“Well, Pete, I think you’d be a great asset to the team.”
“Really?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t you? You’re smart and fast, we could definitely use someone else up in the sky and around the perimeter. Your enhanced senses would be of great use to the team.”
“Natasha’s right. Your abilities are impressive, and you’re very kind; we could use that right now.”
“I’m just not sure yet, you know? With the whole Accords deal; I’m not sure if I could be of any help; I’d probably just get in the way.”
“Are you kidding? I had never seen Tony cool down that fast, you’re smart, Peter; you managed to get an impartial option and it was a pretty cool idea.”
“Yeah, I understand, Ms. Romanov, I just don’t think I can be as good as any of you.”
“Join in on the next Accords meeting, we could use your brains.”
“Are you sure? I don’t know if I can do that.”
“We have to talk to Tony and Steve, but I’m sure what you have to say will be of great help.”
“Yeah, maybe.”

____________________

For some weird reason, Peter wanted to cook dinner. There was really no explanation to it. After he had left the right building, Peter didn’t feel like going back to his room. Instead, he went to the main kitchen and began thinking about dinner options. Finally, he settled for fried rice with grilled chicken and salad. He wanted to keep his health in check; but he also knew that he would never force his eating habits on anyone, so he chose to make fried rice for everyone else; he didn’t have to eat.

“Oh, hey, Pete; what are you doing here?”
“Hi, Mr. Stark, I just thought I could make dinner today, if that’s alright.”
“It’s actually great; Bruce and I here were going over some cradle details; you saved us a lot of time.”
“I’m glad, then.”
“You should come by my lab soon, Peter, I think you’d like what we’re working on.”
“That sounds great, Bruce, thank you.”
“Why are you wearing long sleeves? It’s boiling in here – FRIDAY, please turn up the A.C.”
“Oh, well, uhm, I was feeling a little cold, I’m probably coming down with something, but I’m fine.”

Peter panicked for a second and worried that Tony would push him to continue talking. With everything within him Peter hoped that his face showed a despair call, maybe Tony would understand that it had something to do with his issues.

“Anyway, what did you do in the afternoon? Anything fancy?”
“Oh, not really, I played darts with the others in the right building.”
“How did that go?”
“It was nice, Sam lost.”
“No surprises there; quite the competition he had.”
“We also talked about Spider-Man and the Avengers.”
“Oh, well, how did that go?”
“Well, they said I should, that it could be a good thing.”
“I think you’d be great, Peter.”
“Yeah, kid, Banner’s right, you’d be a great asset.”
“Maybe, I don’t know.”
“I do. You were great during lunch, by the way. It would be good if you slowly joined us, slowly transition into an official member.”
“It would be nice to have fresher voice on the team, you’d be amazing.”
“We also talked about the Accords.”
“Really? What about them?”
“Ms. Romanov said she’d talk to you and Steve about it; but I guess they are also considering including Spider-Man in the Accords meetings.”

Just as they were finished talking, everyone started gathering around the kitchen island. Thankfully, Peter was almost done with dinner, and he was starting to plate up the trays for everyone to serve themselves. As usual, Peter was the last one to serve his plate, and he picked the smallest chicken breast he could find and a spoonful of salad.

He couldn’t lie to himself, Clint and Sam’s comments really messed with him, and it wasn’t really easy to eat in front of them. There was a voice in his head that said he should eat more, just to ease any thoughts about him being on a diet. But the other voice told him to eat less; that they thought him fat and that he needed to go on a diet. It was hell in his mind.

After half an hour, everyone was done eating and stood up all around the kitchen. Peter had just eaten two bites of his plate, and he was struggling to continue. Thankfully, Tony noticed, and Peter could see in his eyes concern and a special sort of protection he had grown fond of.

“Hey, everyone, I have something for you in the shooting range; I’ll catch up with you in a minute.”

One by one, everyone left the main building, all speculating about what Tony had planned for them. After they were gone, Tony sat down again by Peter’s side and looked at him with kind eyes; it was something slightly unknown but definitely comforting.

“FRIDAY, soundproof this room.”
“Sure thing, boss.”
“What’s going on, Pete?”
“Want me to be honest?” A dry laugh escaped him, and he almost regretted it, but not quite. “That comment threw me off.”
“Which comment?”
“You know, what Sam and Clint said about me being on a diet.”
“Kid, they’re idiots, you shouldn’t pay attention to their comments.”
“But what if they’re right, though? What if I need to go in a diet? Or, what if they know what I’m doing?”
“You need to calm down, Peter. Hear me out: you don’t need to go on a diet. "
“But what if I do?”
“You don’t. And you know what? Fuck what they think. Hell, fuck what I think. This is about you, kid; about your future. You don’t need to answer to anyone but yourself, you hear me?”
“Yeah, I understand.”
“Do you?”
“Can I please finish eating alone? I just need to think for a while. You can ask FRIDAY if I do eat, I just kinda need to be alone.”
“Sure thing, Pete. If you’re up for it, meet us in the shooting range, it’ll be fun.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

When Tony left the kitchen, Peter was hit with a wave of different emotions. The man was right, that much he knew. He wanted to be the best Spider-Man he could; maybe he forgot about that along the way. Having Helen tell him that his health was deteriorating and that his body wasn’t really fit anymore scared him. What if he had gone too far and done the exact opposite he was aiming for?

Peter also knew that Sam and Clint didn’t mean any harm. They were known for being jokesters, and Peter knew that they were just messing with him. Taking aside the content of the joke, it was nice to see that they were comfortable enough with his presence to crack jokes with him. Maybe, just maybe, they cared about him enough to notice that his eating habits changed.

One truth that couldn’t be concealed, especially now that he was alone, was that he was struggling. He was having a hard time ignoring the calories in his plate. The day before he had eaten many more calories than he had ever allowed himself to, and now the numbers were taunting him. But he wanted to eat everything in his way, too. The two loud voices in his head were having too much fun, and they didn’t let him rest at all. One wanted him to stop, and the other didn’t want him to ever stop. This whole thing was that of ups and downs, and it was hard for Peter to keep up with his feelings, but maybe it was worth it; maybe he could end up victorious. The two voices were there; but he could start hearing his own, and he stood a chance against them.

Notes:

Hey guys! I wanted to share with you that I'm taking a mini break from writing, hopefully not more than two weeks.

I feel like I hit a creative slump, and it feels like the chapters aren't as good as they were before. Let me know what you think, though. I have been feeling sick this last week and it was hard to write with a headache; I'm sorry I couldn't post this earlier. So, I'm taking the small break to collect my ideas and rest a bit before I continue writing. I’ll probably just go back and fix some past chapters, but I won’t make any additions in the next two weeks.

As always, please let me know your thoughts about the chapter, it's really encouraging to see your comments!
I'm always open to polite criticism :)

I hope everyone has a nice rest of the week and a nice weekend!

Chapter 20: it only takes a little push to pull on through

Summary:

TW/ eating disorder thoughts

notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It could’ve been minutes as it could’ve also been hours, Peter wasn’t really sure. He had been sitting in the same place for a while now, and the plate wasn’t yet touched. He was having a very hard time deciding whether he should trick Tony into thinking he did eat or actually eating. It was overwhelming, to say the least, and it was hard for him to think about the team.

He knew that Tony had planned something, and he imagined it was something entertaining. If it was something serious, it would’ve been a discussion they had at the dining table, not somewhere they could move around. Peter didn’t want to miss it. He wasn’t technically part of the team, but he enjoyed hanging out with them, and it was something he wanted to do more. After all, maybe Spider-Man would be joining the Avengers soon enough.

But he wasn’t doing much of that sitting there all by himself. Determined, Peter took the fork in his hand and began picking at the half eaten grilled chicken in his plate. It was difficult, but he decided that his mind wouldn’t win this time. The one and only reason he first started doing this was to be a better Spider-Man, and right now he wasn’t even him. With all the things that had been going on lately, Peter had forgotten how much he liked going out as his vigilante persona, and he hadn’t done that in a while.

Knowing that there were people out there who might’ve needed his help, but he couldn’t go out and help them was daunting, and it was scaring Peter how much it affected him. Maybe, just maybe, eating was the way to be a better Spider-Man. Now that Tony knew about his diet, there was no way it could happen otherwise, and he had to convince the man to give him back the suit. If he wanted to go back out again as Spider-Man he knew he had to eat more, so he did, finishing his meal and almost feeling proud of himself for it.

____________________

A weird sense of excitement and fear invaded Peter as he was entering the main building. It was very weird, being part of something Tony had planned for the Avengers. Peter knew he wasn’t officially part of the team but being included in these types of activities made feeling full from finishing his meal worth it.

It wasn’t clear to Peter if it was his enhanced hearing, or if that was just how loud it was, but as soon as he started going up the stairs, he heard the boisterous noises coming from the shooting range. Sam’s laugh was undeniable, and Tony’s and Natasha’s sarcasm felt familiar; it was a weirdly comforting feeling.

At first, Peter was hesitant to walk into the shooting range. He had no idea what Tony had planned, and it scared him that maybe he wouldn’t live up to the expectations. It was very likely that it would include something of the hero likes, and he assumed that, if he was invited, it meant that Spider-Man would have to make an appearance. It would be the first time the team would actually see what Spider-Man could do, and it was nerve-wracking.

Trying to push away his anxiety, and hoping for the best, Peter entered the room, causing everyone to turn around to face him.

“Hey, Peter, nice seeing you here!”
“We didn’t know you were coming.”
“Well, Barton, he’s here to beat all of your asses, better brace yourselves for it.” Tony’s support and smile made it easy for Peter to blend in, it was comforting. “You’re just in time, we’re about to start.”
“I’m glad I could make it in time, Mr. Stark.”

Everyone started gathering around, and it felt oddly comfortable to Peter. There were a lot of things in the shooting range, and it made Peter wonder how Tony had arranged all of this in such a small amount of time. In the far end of the room were counters filled with all sorts of snacks, and there was also a minifridge filled with beer and sodas. On a different counter was an arrangement of all sorts of alcohol, and that was when Peter realized this was something more on the fun side, and less on the official Avengers business side. It was surprisingly exciting to see all those snacks. It made Peter remember the times before he started having issues with food, and how it all was before Ben died.

“As you all heard before, Peter here suggested we start operating at a local level. There’s a time to deal with the paperwork, and this isn’t it; don’t give me that look, Rhodey.”
“You better know what you’re doing, Tony.”
“You kidding? I always do.” It was very amusing to Peter the way both Rhodey and Steve rolled their eyes at Tony’s words, it said a lot. “Anyway, today we are having a virtual simulation of possible local level threats.”
“How so?”
“If you would just let me finish, Legolas.”
“Sorry, my bad.”
“We have here our one and only friendly-neighborhood Spider-Man; he can tell you all about his shenanigans as Queens’ vigilante. The simulations were prepared so that it reflects crime in New York, and it’s been made to work as a team in pairs and trios.”
“You’re starting to sound like Steve with all this team building and exercising; might want to check on that.”
“I’m gonna take that as a compliment, Romanov.”
“It wasn’t.”
“Hey!”
Anyway, there’s snacks and drinks, so help yourselves to whatever you want; no drink for you, kid, ‘cause you’re a child.” Everyone laughed and Peter simply rolled his eyes. It didn’t annoy him, he almost dared say he found it funny. “Now it’s up to you, kid, share your wisdom with this bunch.”

Peter had never really liked being the center of attention. It made him very uncomfortable to know that, if he screwed up, it would be very public, and that would be disastrous. Now that the focus was on Spider-Man, it raised the stakes, and it made Peter feel very anxious. He didn’t think anyone in the Compound expected anything from him as Peter, but now, as Spider-Man, he assumed that the Avengers would have something to say about him.

“Well, uhm, I don’t really know what to say, it’s really nothing special.”
“Give yourself, some credit, kid; tell them about that car you stopped.”
“Oh, yeah, it was a long time ago; the car lost control and it was going to crash with a bus, I guess I stopped it? I could’ve definitely been faster.”
“I saw the footage, Peter, you did amazing, it was really impressive.” Now, getting praised by the Black Widow was something Peter didn’t expect, and he was flabbergasted.
“Honestly, I deal mostly with more low-level crime; it usually doesn’t escalate much.”
“What do you do, exactly?”
“I don’t really know how to say this without sounding weird, Wanda. Most of the times it’s stopping muggings and helping people find directions. Sometimes things get intense and there are attempted murders or assault.”
“Do you expect us to do that, Tony?”
“I don’t know, Barton, I don’t really see you helping an elderly cross the street.”
“I was thinking you guys could get out at night, at least in Queens that’s when most criminal activity happens.”
“The kid’s right, Tones, if we get the government to approve this plan of yours, it would be smart to let the public see us out at night, they’d see the Avengers making the streets safer; that would be a hell of an incentive to allow us to operate on a bigger level.”
“Go on, Pete.”

It was nice to be praised, and Peter would never deny that. As much as he hated being the center of attention, he liked having his work recognized, especially when it came to him being Spider-Man. It was heart-warming to see everyone positively surprised, and he felt comfortable answering their questions.

After that conversation of Peter sharing his experiences out as Spider-Man, the actual training exercise began, and Peter was overwhelmed by the extents of Tony’s genius when it came to technology. It was all incredibly well done, and it was unbelievable that it was done in such a small amount of time. The simulations were scarily real, and they were surprisingly accurate. Tony had managed to recreate a lot of scenarios that Peter had encountered since using the suit that Tony had made him. Now that he thought about it, a lot of it could just be a recreation of what he did on a daily basis.

It was very amusing to Peter to see each of the members of the team try to use their individual weapons and powers to deal with low-level threats. It was particularly funny to see Steve and Bucky; they were trained as soldiers, and it was funny seeing them having to pull back their punches. It was pleasantly surprising to see how Tony, Natasha and Sam adjusted very well, and it was definitely something Peter didn’t expect of them. They all had a very intimidating aura to them, and he didn’t think it was possible for them to not let their entire strength out.

After an hour or so of individual training, and some of them already tipsy, Tony started the team simulations, and it was interesting, to say the least. He had planned for each simulation to be one that could potentially enhance the joint powers of two or more Avengers. Apart from what Peter had seen in Germany, he could’ve never imagined that Clint’s immaculate accuracy could play so well with Wanda’s powers; and it was certainly surprising to see how Sam’s wings became the perfect asset to Natasha’s skills. What wasn’t at all a surprise was how well Steve and Tony worked together. It was a fact that Peter didn’t know Steve before the fallout, but he knew that they worked very well together, and he was glad to see it. Tony seemed comfortable working against with Steve, and that was enough for Peter to trust him.

It came a time in which Tony and Sam pushed Peter to participate in the training exercise. He insisted that they didn’t have to include him; after all, he wasn’t an official Avenger, and Peter said it was probably best for everyone to not see them yet working together. Truthfully, that was just his fears speaking, and Natasha and Steve made sure to shut them up. They made the all-too compelling argument that the chances of him being an official Avenger were almost unerring, and it would be better for the public to start getting used to seeing them working together.

So, Peter found himself using Steve’s shield to jump up higher than his webs allowed him to, and, at the same time, using the various web settings that Tony had put in his suit to help block escape routes for criminals and making a net strong enough in case something were to happen. It was also very nice to finally be able to see how his enhancements paired up with Wanda’s; he was very pleased to see that she helped him move faster, and that his webs could by controlled by her hue.

All in all, it was definitely a successful evening, and everyone seemed to think so, too. When they were done, all the team sat down on the floor, with a beer and snack in hand, laughing amongst one another. It felt nice and familiar, and Peter didn’t ever want to let go of the moment.

“So, what did you think, kid? Are we good enough for your spidey standards?”
“It was cool, Sam, I hope it’ll work.”
What will work?”
“You know, the whole deal with the Accords, I hope this works in your favor.”
“Any other thoughts, anyone?”
“Actually, uhm, you know, I was thinking that – it’s probably stupid, but…”
“What did I tell you about that, kid? Out with it.”
“Sorry, Mr. Stark; I was just thinking that maybe it could be nice for the team to try to interact more with the weapons, you know? I mean, of course the physical strength is key, but maybe it could be beneficial to try and optimize the use of joint weapons.”
“What are you thinking?”
“So, I just thought, seeing all of you training and stuff, that, maybe, Mr. Stark, we could mess around with it in the lab. I was thinking about adding a compartment in Sam’s wings that served as some sort of shield; you know, to protect him but also serve as some sort of way to bounce my webs? It’s just a rough idea, probably not worth trying –”
“I think that would be nice, Pete. It’s late now, we can work on that tomorrow.”
“You know, kid, you’d be a great asset to the team, I must say I’m impressed; thank you.”
“It’s really nothing, Steve, I’m just trying to do my part.”

____________________

Back in his room, Peter felt incredibly content and proud of how the day had ended. Granted, he was still concerned that his wounds weren’t healing as fast as they used to, but the day had gone as good as he could’ve expected. It was definitely a rollercoaster of emotions, and he had trouble processing all of them, but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe he just needed to not think that much; let things go their way. Maybe, just maybe, that would give him some peace of mind.

Now that he had time to think about it, Peter didn’t know if Tony inviting him to join the team for training was intentional or not. The man had made it abundantly clear that he wouldn’t let Peter go back out as Spider-Man until he saw that he was doing better and that he wouldn’t faint in the middle of the city. Peter wanted to believe that this was just the first step for Tony to allow him to go back out as Spider-Man. It was the one thing that fueled his motivation. He had almost forgotten about it, the exhilaration that came with shooting webs and jumping around the city; but now that he had a small taste of it back, he didn’t ever want to let go.

He had to be strong for his city, and he had to keep up his recovery mentality momentum. Maybe that way Tony would give him back his suit and trust him enough to let him go back out again. He was scared, that much he knew; but he was determined to be better, and he hoped that the next day would be up to his expectations for it.

____________________

Waking up early to go jogging was probably not the best idea Peter had had. He knew that Tony would think that he was doing it to burn off calories, but that just wasn’t it. He was feeling stronger now, and the energy was accumulating in his veins and muscles; if he didn’t let some of it out, he would definitely go crazy. So, he put on his sneakers, sweatpants and a jumper and he exited his room, headed for the tracks.

Peter knew in his mind that he couldn’t jog for as long as he used to. For one, Tony would definitely know and start getting suspicious again; Peter didn’t even want to imagine what would happen if Tony tried to forbid him from jogging. But on the other hand, he knew his body couldn’t really keep up with jogging for more than an hour. Maybe Helen was right, and it was starting to catch up with him; he could feel his muscles struggling, and he noticed that he had never had to stop to catch his breath as much as it was happening in the first 20 minutes of his jog.

As usual, Sam joined him, and it was nice to get back to his made-up routine. The past days had been complicated, and he wanted to regain some sense of normalcy; maybe ignore that Tony probably saw him as porcelain and as someone who could break if moved an inch.

“Hey, Pete, I’m surprised to see you, haven’t been jogging much, now, have you?”
“Oh, hi, Sam, I’m sorry, I’ve been busy.”
“I just missed you, kid; hate to admit it, but you’re much more fun to jog with than with Steve; I’m sure he’s actively trying to burn out my lungs by trying to get me to keep up with him.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just that, with the whole Spider-Man thing, it’s been… complicated.”
“I can’t lie to you kid, it’s really impressive; you’d make a fine Avenger.”
“I guess we’ll see, I’m not really sure yet.”
“You should come join us for breakfast, Clint’s cooking.”
“That sounds nice, thank you.”

After that, they continued jogging and casually chatting about the day before and what their take on the simulation was. Peter was glad to hear that Sam thought it was something good. Peter knew how loyal Sam was to Steve, and it worried him that he didn’t get along with Tony. He had grown fond of Sam and Steve’s team, but his loyalty would always lie with Tony, and that was something Peter knew would never change.

____________________

Entering the main building with Sam made Peter remember his first day at the Compound. It was way too familiar to see everyone chatting and cracking jokes; for a moment it made Peter forget that he had to eat. It wasn’t like he had lost motivation to eat more, but it was still a struggle. The voice was there, and it wouldn’t leave him alone; but Peter was determined to fight back this time.

As soon as he entered, he saw Clint making pancakes, with Natasha at his side scrambling eggs. His anxiety grew when he smelled the grease coming from the pancakes, and he almost turned around to run back to his room to exercise any calories that may have gotten into his body by the smell of it. But, thankfully, he remembered that Tony had told him that he didn’t have to eat everything that was served; he was free to choose what to eat, as long as he did.

With that in mind, and having regained his strength, Peter served a small portion of scrambled eggs and a bowl of berries. His mind was working like a calculator, adding up numbers and figuring out what had to be done to make it lower. It was incredibly frustrating and hearing Steve take charge of the conversation was a welcome distraction of the numbers in his head.

“What did you guys think about last night?”
“I gotta admit, Stark outdid himself with the simulations; real nice of him.”
“Yeah, I think Sam’s right, it was surprising.”
“I didn’t really expect that of him, much less for him to include what my hues can do, or the military training you received.”

Peter was trying hard to bite his tongue. He wanted to focus on his plate and his food, but it was getting a little annoying how little credit they were giving Tony. It almost felt like they were constantly ignoring the fact that it was Tony that was keeping them out of jail and providing them with everything they wanted and needed to live a lavish life. Peter didn’t really know what happened after Germany and their time as fugitives, but he did know that living at the Compound was certainly much better than what their living conditions were before.

“You know, it shouldn’t come as a surprise; he’s a much nicer man than you give him credit for.”

Everyone turned around to look at him, and all of them, except for Natasha, Bruce and Rhodey had expressions of surprise and disbelief. Peter had expected that, though. He knew that Rhodey had known Tony for a long time now, so he definitely was aware of his better qualities. Natasha was a smart woman, and Peter was glad that she saw past Tony’s sarcasm.

“How come, kid? What do you know that we don’t?”

Sam’s question made something boil within Peter, but he was determined to cool down. The last thing he wanted was to start a conflict between them. On the other hand, was the fact that Peter didn’t want them to know much about his relationship with Tony. It was hard for him to understand it himself, and he didn’t need all of them prying around to comment about it. Truthfully, he saw Tony as a mentor; he wouldn’t ever admit this to anyone, but it was almost like Tony became his father figure, especially now that May had gone to Europe. They didn’t need to know that, though.

“He’s been very patient and supportive; I owe much about who Spider-Man is to him.”
“I mean, maybe you’re right, but he has to be nice to you; you know, after the whole plane thing.”

That was something that caught Peter off-guard. Wanda’s comment implied much more, and Peter didn’t really know how to answer, so he stayed silent. It was hard for Peter to think that Tony was just being nice to him because of what happened with the Vulture, but he didn’t have the headspace to entertain those thoughts at the moment.

“What with the plane?”
“Yeah, kid, what happened?”
“When did this happen?”
“Are you all seriously that obtuse? You guys couldn’t have been so underground that you didn’t know that someone hijacked Tony’s plane and it was Spider-Man who saved it.”
“Wait, you did what?”

Peter was beyond uncomfortable, and he didn’t really know what to do. He would never really admit that he had saved Tony’s plane. On the contrary, it was his fault that the plane crashed. But he didn’t have the words to answer, it was like their bombarding of questions left him literally speechless.

“Back off, Peter did great; I don’t know what would’ve happened if he hadn’t shown up.”
“What was in that plane that was so important?”
“Oh well, Cap, you know, just new prototypes for everyone’s equipment and a couple dozens of arc reactors.”
“Why did they want that?”
“The kid found out they were making weapons with chitauri tech; after the FBI got involved, they sought my tech to continue building it.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, well, we have Peter to thank for not having any more chitauri weaponry among us.”
“That’s amazing, kid.”
“Barton’s right and all that; I expect you all up in my lab after lunch to discuss what Peter proposed last night.”

Everyone seemed taken aback by Tony’s words, but Peter most of all. He wondered why Tony had a change of heart and decided to trust them enough to open the doors to his lab to them. Maybe he was actually trusting them more, and maybe this was one more step towards actually getting to an agreement about the Accords.

____________________

Peter didn’t really know why, but he ended up going to the lab with Tony after breakfast. He didn’t have any other plans, and there was a part of Peter that wanted to make sure that Tony really did trust them now. It was out of question to ask Tony directly about it, so he had to try and read between the lines.

“Fancy seeing you here, kid; come on, take a look at this.”

Tony was currently handling the blueprints of new equipment for Sam, and he immediately realized that he planned for them to be all made of vibranium. He could also see in a minimized tab plans for Natasha’s suit and, to his surprise, yet another blueprint for Bucky’s arm.

“What do you think?”
“I think it’s amazing, Mr. Stark, I hope they’ll like it.”
“They better do, this is taking up a hell lot of effort.”
“I can imagine.”
“Hey, Pete, I actually wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh?”
“You seem happier, more enthusiastic.”
“Really?”
“Yes, kid; I’m proud of you, I know it hasn’t been easy on you.”
“Yeah, I guess things are changing? I don’t know, I want to do better, you know?” A small pause in his speech was enough for Tony to notice; Peter didn’t know if he liked that the man knew him that well.
“Out with it, kid, what’s up?”
“What do you mean? Nothing’s up.”
“That’s bullshit, what’s going on?”
“I swear, it’s nothing, I promise.”
“This about Spider-Man, isn’t it?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Mr. Stark; I just feel pretty useless just sitting here and doing nothing. I’ve been trying to eat more, and I swear I feel much stronger than I did last week… I want to go back out on patrol again.”
“Really? Then how come I’ve caught you struggling to catch your breath?”
“That’s not really abo–”
“I’m not done, Peter, zip it.”
“But I –”
“And what about those bones, huh? That doesn’t scream health to me.”
“But, Mr. Stark –”
“You know what Helen said, you’re dangerously thin, Peter, this isn’t safe.”
“I’m doing much better, Mr. Stark, I promise I feel stronger.”
“Didn’t you feel strong when you pass out in a rooftop in Queens?”
“I mean, I kind of did, but –”
“But nothing, Peter, you’re not ready.”
“But, I am ready, you just don’t want to see it.”
“What I see, kid, is that you’re skin and bones, and I will not have you dying in the middle of the city; not in my watch.”
“I swear, Mr. Stark –”

The situation was starting to escalate, and Peter was getting scared that he had screwed up his chances of going out by annoying Tony. Thankfully, FRIDAY interrupted them, and suddenly, lunch seemed like salvation.

“Boss, Mr. Rogers wanted me to inform you that lunch is ready, that he ordered Chinese takeout for lunch.”
“Thank you, FRI.”

After that, it turned very uncomfortable, and Peter didn’t really know what to do. He did feel stronger, but he also knew that Tony was right. It didn’t stop him from thinking that the man just wanted to stop him from helping the city. Regardless of what was going on, they awkwardly made their way together to have lunch.

____________________

When they entered the room, everyone turned around to look at them, and Peter realized that they could tell something was off. Not even two hours ago he was defending Tony, and now he wasn’t even looking at him. Peter wasn’t necessarily mad, but he definitely didn’t want to talk about it now. He just wanted to focus on making in through lunch; maybe Tony would see that he meant it when he said he wanted to do better.

After a while, everyone was sat down in their respective seats and talking with one another about everything and anything. Suddenly, and almost like they didn’t have any other topic of conversation, Rhodey started talking about Spider-Man and how they could join him in his local operation. In all honesty, Peter felt thrilled to be part of the conversation. It was nice to see everyone agree when he said that they should go through all the boroughs, and maybe everyone would see they wanted to help the entire city instead of just a single place.

They were also talking about how Peter moved around the city, and how he thought it would be best for them to navigate the streets. Peter hadn’t given that much thought, it just kind of came naturally to him. There wasn’t really a specific technique that he could share with the team, so he just told them to follow their guts, and to help anyone who seemed like they needed it. Everyone seemed confused by his answer, but eventually the conversation turned towards what Peter thought about schedules and timeline for it.

Tony wasn’t saying anything, and Peter didn’t know what to make of it. He could see in the man’s face that he was pensive, but Peter didn’t pay much attention to it; he was very involved in the conversation with Steve, Natasha and Rhodey to burden himself with the anxiety that brought Tony’s undecipherable face.

Without realizing it, Peter had finished everything in his plate. When lunch had begun, Peter served himself a considerable amount of orange chicken and egg rolls; he wanted Tony to see that he was actually trying, so he served himself a normal portion. He never intended to actually eat all of it, but eventually he found his plate to be empty and his stomach, in return, full.

It was hard for him to figure out how he felt about it. He was trying to focus on getting out as Spider-Man again, and he couldn’t even take a minute to consider skipping meals, much too aware of the fact that Tony would be watching him. It didn’t take away the fact that the voice inside his head was telling him to stand up and purge everything he had eaten, that it would make him fat and slow him down. But he won this round; he didn’t purge, and he kept going on with the conversation. He was determined to win the battle.

____________________

Being with everyone in Tony’s lab was foreign, but somehow comfortable. Everyone seemed overly curious about everything that was in it, and he could see that it was both stressful and amusing to Tony. There weren’t really that many seats for everyone to sit down and hear Tony talk, so most of them gathered around the main holopad, a handful of them with dessert in their hands.

“Welcome to my sanctuary, don’t make yourselves too comfortable. If anyone stains even one inch of this room, you’ll be kicked out before you can complain.” It was obvious that Tony was joking, but everyone knew that there was a slight bit of seriousness in his voice. “Let’s play around, shall we?”
“What are we doing, exactly?”
“You see, Wilson, Pete was right when he said we should optimize the use of your weapons, so that’s what we’re here to do. I’m open to suggestions, but here are my thoughts …”

Time went by in the blink of an eye and Peter could’ve sworn that they had been there just a couple of minutes, but the sunset proved him wrong. Evidently, they had been in that lab for more than four hours, and Peter could tell that everyone was having fun. Peter had never seen the Avengers talk about football games or the trendiest restaurant to go to. It was almost always business talk, and Peter was happy to see that this setting allowed them to have a much friendlier conversation.

It was also incredibly nice to see everyone impressed by Tony’s designs and what he was doing for the team. He might’ve been in a weird spot when it came to his relationship with Tony, but he would always be glad to see that he was getting the recognition he deserved. If his eyes didn’t trick him, he swore he even saw Bucky shyly smile at Tony when he saw designs for his arm. He evidently thought that, after what happened in Siberia, Tony would kill him if he ever saw him again; but peter was glad to see that Bucky realized that that wasn’t the case.

It was a nice afternoon, and Peter knew it was a success. He could see it in both Tony’s and Rhodey’s face. If that was really happening, it meant that the latter believed this could actually work, that it could be the beginning of a proper set of Accords.

One by one, they were leaving Tony’s lab saying that they were tired and wanted to watch a movie before dinner. He was the last one in the man’s lab, closely behind Wanda. Surprisingly, Peter enjoyed the thought of that and was making his way out of the lab when he heard Tony call him back.

“Hey, kid, come here for a sec; I need to talk to you.”
“Uhm, yeah, sure, Mr. Stark, what’s up?”
“Catch.”

Suddenly, his arm reacted much quicker than his brain, and he caught his suit in his hand. Peter didn’t want to believe what he thought was going on, too scared to be disappointed if he was wrong. Could Tony really have changed his mind?

“There will be rules, Peter, and I swear to god if you don’t follow them, you’ll regret it.” Now, that’s something that scared Peter beyond explanation. “You have to eat before leaving this place. And I don’t mean a puny turkey ham slice, I mean a proper meal; I don’t want you passing out again.” The man stopped again and Peter feared that he had changed his mind again and would take the suit back. “I put the tracker on the suit. It will stay there; and I also added an extra protocol that will tell you and notify me when you’re dehydrated. Curfew’s the same, but you’ll have to notify me when you’re making your way back; I don’t want any surprise messages from Karen.”
“O-Okay?”
“These are nonnegotiable, Peter. Don’t test me.”
“I won’t, Mr. Stark, thank you so much! I promise I won’t disappoint you.”
“You better not, kid.”

____________________

He couldn’t believe Tony actually trusted him and gave him the suit back. He was beyond excited and he couldn’t wait to go out. With that in mind, and the movie long forgotten, he rushed downstairs to make himself a quick salad with grilled chicken. He wasn’t going to let his excitement trick him into eating something easy, he cared too much about it to just ignore it.

After exactly 30 minutes, Peter was already done with his meal. He ate it like there was no tomorrow, finishing it in under 10 minutes. He was ecstatic, and nothing could stop him.

“Hey FRIDAY? Could you please let Mr. Stark know what I ate?”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

Without anything else, Peter quickly changed into his suit, caring very little about who saw him. He knew no one was around, his body was now strong enough to notice anything around him, and the adrenaline running through his veins strengthened that.

Swinging out of the building felt like peace, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything. His destination was clear and he was going to make sure to enjoy every minute of it.

“Yeah, Spider-Man! Look at you go!” Sam’s encouragement words were assurance enough that this was going to be a great night, he knew it.

Notes:

Happy six month anniversary to the story! I'm back again with a new chapter! thought it would be nice to pair it up with the anniversary. It's truly unbelievable to me how far it's come; I can't thank you enough for your support.

Let me know your thoughts and suggestions in the comments! I love hearing your opinions :) As always, I'm open to polite criticism :)

I also wanted to say, and this is definitely not only about me but in general for every writer, leaving comments is very encouraging! I didn't leave comments in the fics I have read in the past, and didn't understand how important they were until I started writing one myself. So, make sure you let writers know what you think! We love to hear your thoughts.

I hope everyone has a beautiful start of the week! .x

Chapter 21: with so much left to do

Summary:

TW/ Attempted suicide

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Hello, Peter, it’s nice seeing you again.”

The relief that Peter felt hearing her voice again was something he couldn’t quite describe, but it was incredible, and he hadn’t felt like that in a while. Being on his suit again made a part of him come alive, it made him want to ignore everything he had promised Tony, and never return to the Compound.

“Don’t hold back, Karen, show me what you’ve got.”

Swinging south was exhilarating, and he couldn’t stop doing flips mid-air, there was something now within him that couldn’t get enough, and he pushed through what his body was telling him, ignoring everything else.

At 7pm he arrived in the city, and Peter couldn’t wait to begin helping people. It had been so long, and he was excited to do his part for his community again. It had only been 30 minutes, but he was so exhilarated, and he had done so much already. He had stopped a couple of muggings, and helped several tourists return to their hotels and guided them to the subway.

Since he arrived in the city he had felt ever so slightly off. He was out of breath, and a bit dizzy, nothing worrisome; but it didn’t matter to him at all. There was nothing slowing him down now. Two hours had gone by, and he had never once stopped to catch his breath. He had helped so many people, and the last thing he wanted was to return to the Compound, but he was now entering dangerous waters questioning Tony’s orders. His mind was foggy, too many thoughts in his head and a headache made him stop in a rooftop to decide what he should do.

Now that he had finally gotten out of the Compound, he didn’t want to go back. The days since Tony knew that he was struggling with his eating habits had been hell, and he was desperately trying to make him believe that he was okay and getting better. Truth be told, he even fooled himself into thinking things were getting better. He had been ignoring his thoughts, trying to make Tony happy. Now that he was out and away from the man, he realized how exhausting it was, and how much he had been holding in.

But there was something no one could deny, and that was that he owed everything to Tony, and he wasn’t sure if he was willing to betray him and ignore exactly what he had asked him to do. Peter wanted to do better for him, but he couldn’t ignore what his instincts were telling him.

He would’ve stayed hours thinking about what he should do from now on, but a sharp scream pulled him out of his mind and made his body plunge forward and swing as fast as he could to the source of the noise. There was something within him that screamed at him to call Tony for help, that something could go wrong; but he couldn’t bring himself to do so, too scared to make himself seem weak and not worthy of wearing the Spider-Man suit.

He was sitting on a rooftop in the west-most part of Queens, but the sound came from the north, so he swung until he reached the Throgs Neck Bridge. Nothing had prepared him from what he saw. He thought it was an attempted murder, or a robbery; but he saw a man sitting on the edge of the bridge and a woman desperately crying at him to get off.

“Hey dude! What’s going on here, huh?”
“Please! Help him! I don’t know what to do.”

The woman was crying hysterically, and a crowd was beginning to gather around the scene. Peter went into autopilot mode and tried his best to ignore the anxiety that was beginning to build up in his chest.

“Go away! There’s nothing for me here, please let me go.”
“Oh, c’mon, man, I’m sure that’s not right, you seem like a great guy.”
“You’re wrong, you don’t know anything about me.”
“How about you get down from there and tell me about it?”
“Please, just go away.”
“Didn’t you see? They’re giving away free hot dogs just around the corner, you don’t want to miss that, now do you? I’m sure they’re delicious.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore, nothing does, there’s just nothing else.”

In the blink of an eye, everyone was gasping, and life stopped for Peter. It seemed like every second was a frame for a movie, and Peter was just watching. Once again, his instincts took over and he jumped from the bridge, trying to catch the man that had just plummeted to the river.

“Karen, call the police and an ambulance immediately, tell them to meet us at Fort Totten Park.”
“Right away, Peter.”

He wasn’t exactly sure why, but he was able to catch the man before he hit the water, webbing himself and the man to the bridge and heading to the park where he could already hear the sirens blaring.

“You’re going to be alright, everything’s going to be fine, you’re going to be fine.”

He waited for the cops to arrive and make sure that he was taken care of before he could leave. It was hard for him to keep his cool, and he was desperately trying to keep a steady tone when explaining to the police what had happened.

After they took the man into the ambulance, Peter fell to the ground and tried to catch his breath. The whole thing freaked him out beyond understanding, and he was having a hard time grasping what had actually happened. There were many times he had thought about dying, but it was difficult for him to get his thoughts in order.

He started hyperventilating, and he didn’t know what happened; all he knew was that his body was swinging south through Queens, and that it was definitely time for him to start making his way back to the Compound. When he realized what was happening, he recognized that he ended up in Rockaway Beach.

On top of a supermarket building, he risked it all and took off his mask. There was little in his mind other than the chance that he wouldn’t have made it in time, and that the man would be dead. His body reacted and he was puking out his dinner before he could give his stomach permission to.

Before he could even wipe off the last bits of saliva off his mouth, Karen interrupted him through his intercoms.

“Incoming call from Mr. Stark.”
“God, not now.”
“Not now, kid? Are you fucking kidding me? What’s going on? How come you’re vomiting in the middle of the city?”
“It’s really nothing, Mr. Stark, I’m fine, I promise.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Parker, why the fuck did this happen, huh?”
“Calm down, Mr. Stark, I’m fine, please, stop.”
“You’re fine, now? Is that rally what you’re going with?”
“Yes, I was just swinging too fast, and I was dizzy.”
“That won’t work this time, kid.”

He didn’t have the patience to do this now, and he was not in the right headspace to deal with Tony. Peter really tried his best to calm the man down, but apparently it was impossible. It was evident to Peter that he wouldn’t believe him, and he didn’t want to deal with this.”

“Karen, hang up.”

________ . ________

“He’s a great kid, Tony.”
“Glad you noticed; how did it go?”
“He’s very enhanced, that much I can tell you now.”
“What do you mean, Helen?”
“We’re going to do the regular – much like Steve’s initial tests.”
“So, you’re saying the results could be similar?”
“It wouldn’t surprise me.”
“Huh.”

After he left Peter with Helen, Tony felt a weird anxiety building up in his chest. It was exciting to finally know what Peter’s body was capable of, but it was also scary. Tony specially feared how Peter would react to it. Instead of fixating on it, he chose to stay in his lab, sipping coffee like crazy and waiting for Helen to call him after Peter was gone.

“I’m concerned, though.”
“What about?”
“You should keep an eye on him and his food intake.”
“Is something wrong?”

Tony wondered if the kid had told her about his struggles with food. He really doubted it, but he couldn’t really think of another reason Helen would be telling him that he needed to watch out for what Peter ate.

“If I’m right, Peter’s metabolism needs as much energy as Steve’s body does, if not more.”
“Of course, I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“You know, Tony, you should bring him to Seoul sometime, he is very bright, and I’m sure he would learn a lot from us.”
“I’ll talk to him about it.”
“I’ll let you know when the results are back, I’m guessing they’ll be ready within the week, but I’ll let you know anyways.”
“Thank you, Helen, I don’t know how to repay you for coming so quickly.”
“Just don’t mess up the cradle, will you?”

After she left, Tony was concerned. There were many things in his mind about what had happened with Peter and how things had gone with her. What worried him the most was the fact that she thought, and he knew, that Peter needed more food. It was obvious for anyone with eyes that he burned calories at a much faster rate than most people, and he needed to eat to keep up with his body. Regardless, the kid wasn’t really open to understand. Tony couldn’t well force him to eat, and there wasn’t much he could do about it other than try to reason with Peter; it was frustrating beyond words.

____________________

There was something oddly comforting and relaxing about the tracks. He had never really been a fan of running, but the whole thing was beautiful, and it made his soul feel at peace. He wanted to get away from his lab. Peter had become such an important person in his life, he didn’t know how to do things right; Tony didn’t want to mess up. But reality was that he had no idea what he was doing, and it was something foreign to Tony.

Sitting on a bench outside of the garage, and facing the tracks, seemed to be the perfect setting to do some thinking. Truth be told, the only thing that came to mind was to get Peter to eat. As much as he wanted, he couldn’t force him to eat, so Tony decided that whatever Peter got through his throat was a win. Most struggles in his life had proven that everything starts with a small step, so maybe this was it.

There was also the fact that Tony knew that he wasn’t the most supportive person in the world. He didn’t really have the skills to be there for the kid; before Rhodey, Happy and Pepper he hadn’t received that kind of attention. It was very complicated for Tony to understand what he should do to help Peter. What he heard most of the time was that he had to be open to communicating with him, and that he couldn’t hide his own feelings. Peter was clever, and he had always had a deeper understanding of everyone around him. It was foolish to think that he could hide what his thoughts were from Peter.

“FRIDAY, call Peter here.”
“Sure thing, boss.”

____________________

“Uhm, Mr. Stark? Why are we out here?”
“Don’t overthink everything, Pete. It’s a nice day, and extra vitamin D won’t hurt you; don’t be so wary.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“So, kid, how did it go with Helen?”

It was one thing to be concerned about what had happened with Helen, but another thing entirely was to hear it from Peter himself. Tony feared most of all that the kid wouldn’t receive her help, and that he’d be stuck trying to help someone who didn’t want any.

Surprisingly enough, Peter was being honest with him, and it was something Tony didn’t expect. He thought Peter would give some half ass answer to his questions, and that he would avoid talking about what he felt during Helen’s visit. It was a very welcome surprise to see that he was being honest voicing his concerns.

Tony didn’t really know what to say when Peter told him that he didn’t want to know what the results were. Now that he thought about it, if Helen was right and Peter needed a whole bunch of food for his body to properly function, he wouldn’t take it well, and it would set him back.

It was a foreign situation for Tony, and he had never known how to react to someone’s feelings and their expressing of honesty. With Howard, he had never known it, and Tony tried his best to think of what he would’ve liked to hear from his father. Certainly, he would’ve liked to hear words of encouragement and support; maybe even understanding. He had always wanted to prove himself worthy to his father, and he never wanted Peter to feel that way. Tony knew that he wasn’t Peter’s dad, but he loved the kid, and wanted to do best by him.

“You know, Pete, it’s okay to not have it all figured it out sometimes. I’m sure whatever comes back from the lab you’ll be able to handle like a champ.”
“You’ve done great so far; I don’t see how knowing would change anything.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”
“Besides, I’ll be here every step of the way, everything will be alright.”

Maybe he was wrong; there was no way he could tell other than hope, but he thought that he did a good job talking to Peter about what concerned him of his results. Apparently, Peter thought so, too. With everything that had been going on with Peter’s eating habits, and how Tony was the one handling the situation, he didn’t think that Peter would open up to him about it. Instead, he thought Peter would avoid any conversation of the sorts with him. But the fact that he actually told Tony that he didn’t know if he could eat much was heart-warming for him. Maybe he was starting to trust him, and Tony didn’t want to risk that, instead trusting him and hoping that he would make the right decision.

____________________

The whole Accords situation was something that brought constant stress to Tony’s life. He really wanted everything to work out, and for the team to be together again, but the whole process was excruciating. He had never wanted things to be so hostile with each other. Most of all, he didn’t want to lose the friendship he had grown to have with his teammates. But they were making it so hard for him to figure something out.

Steve’s arrogancy and stubbornness were things that Tony didn’t know how else to handle. In hindsight, he had always been that way; but it was with the Accords that he started seeing it, and realized the Avengers weren’t quite different from him. It was frustrating for Tony to see how they were acting like nothing had happened, and like what they did wasn’t illegal. It got to him, and he couldn’t help but snap at him.

“Then what do you propose, Rogers? We don’t have a choice; what you did brought us here. You made your bed, and now we all have to lie in it.”

He didn’t intend for it to come out as harsh as it did, but in his mind, Steve deserved it. It was also true that Tony didn’t think he could entirely bury the hatch. It seemed impossible to forget and forgive, especially given what had happened in Siberia. If it weren’t for Peter, Tony didn’t think he would’ve gotten better as fast as he did. The kid motivated him to be better, and he wanted to, he really did.

The day was full of surprises, and Peter speaking out to propose as a solution was definitely one of them. It was nice to see that he was being an active member of the team, even if it wasn’t yet official. Tony trusted Peter and his instincts, but he couldn’t help but be skeptical about it. After all, the entire world knew that Steve’s team were deemed criminals, and he wasn’t entirely sure how the public, and more specifically the government, would react to seeing criminals saving people from criminals.

But, maybe, it was a fresh start. Maybe what Peter was suggesting would be the start of a new era for the team. He wanted to be open about it, and now, with Peter’s issues, Tony knew that it was the right thing to do. Maybe allowing the proposal to be a possibility was the same exact thing that not shoving a whole meal into Peter’s mouth. If he could take baby steps with Peter’s situation, why wouldn’t that work with the Accords?

____________________

After lunch, Tony decided to clear his mind doing what he knew would always work for him. He spent an hour after lunch in Bruce’s lab working on the cradle. They hadn’t yet discussed it with the team, but they were working on optimizing its use for every member of the team, including Peter.

“When are you getting the results back from Helen?”
“She says it’ll be within the week.”
“We need to know his molecular composition to adjust the cradle to his body, too.”
“I know, Banner, just give it time, we’ll know soon enough.”
“How is he, anyway? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything’s peachy.”
“He hasn’t dropped by in a while, maybe he should, I think he’d be interested in how the cradle works.”
“I’ll bring him in someday soon.”

After that, they remained silent for a while, each working on their own, with low music playing on the background. It was weird, how well he got along with Bruce. Tony guessed it was their affinity for science that made it feel safe to talk to him, but he also knew there was an underlying loyalty in him, and he appreciated it beyond words.

“It was really impressive what he did back there.”
“Who? Pete?”
“Yes. I didn’t know he was aware of everything that had been going on with the Accords.”
“The kid’s very invested in it; he wants everyone to get along and shit.”
“I think it’s very nice, maybe he’ll be a part of it in the future.”
“Yeah, maybe.”

Talking to Bruce gave him an idea that he wouldn’t have otherwise thought of if it wasn’t for Peter and his resilience to get the team to work together again. After saying goodbye to Bruce, Tony took to his own lab and didn’t waste a second, deciding that it was time for them to train together again. His mind was rushing like it never had before, and he was designing situations for the hologram projections faster that he had ever done it. Maybe Bruce was right; Peter would certainly play a massive part in the amendment of the Accords, and the team.

____________________

FRIDAY had alerted him that Peter was in the kitchen making dinner, and it was something Tony didn’t understand. It was surprising, definitely, but he didn’t know what to make of it. He had done his due research, and he knew by now that cooking for others was the perfect excuse to avoid eating. Tony didn’t want to believe it, but he wondered if Peter was trying to fool him, and that things were getting bad again. Regardless of what his better judgement was telling him, he met up with Bruce on the first floor of the left building to go with him to dinner.

All in all, Peter didn’t seem to be hating it. He definitely didn’t seem chipper about dinner, but he could see that he wasn’t struggling as much as he had been in the past days. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t ideal either. By now, Tony knew what worked for Peter to be comfortable around his meals, and this wasn’t it.

“Hey, everyone, I have something for you in the shooting range; I’ll catch up with you in a minute.”

If there was a better time for him to call everyone to the training activities he had planned, Tony didn’t know. But he immediately recognized that relief expression in Peter’s face, and he knew that the kid was grateful for getting them to leave. Now that they were alone, he faced what was going on with Peter, and tried his best to understand, channeling any paternal instinct he had within himself.

“What’s going on, Pete?”
“Want me to be honest? “That comment threw me off.”
“Which comment?”
“You know, what Sam and Clint said about me being on a diet.”
“Kid, they’re idiots, you shouldn’t pay attention to their comments.”

If there was one thing Tony had learned about Peter in the past weeks was that he expressed himself according to how he saw the environment around him. Tony knew that he had to keep calm in front of Peter, but it wasn’t easy. Hearing that a comment that Sam and Clint made bothered Peter to the point where he doubted what he should eat made Tony’s blood boil. Further, he couldn’t well talk to them about it and shout at them for being so wrong about it. They had no clue about what Peter had been struggling with, or so Tony hoped; and he didn’t want to risk exposing the situation to people he didn’t entirely trust yet.

Peter had been an independent kid for most of his life, and Tony knew that he was smart, and that his instincts were in the right place. His mind was yelling at him not to do so, but he decided to leave Peter alone to finish his meal. There wasn’t much he could do other than hope that he would finish eating and meet him later in the shooting range. He knew that Peter needed his space to deal with what was going on, and Tony decided to give him the benefit of the doubt without really taking his eyes off him.

“FRIDAY, let me know when he’s finished eating, will you?”
“Sure thing, boss.”

____________________

When the idea came to him at Bruce’s lab, he impulsively took to it right away, not even thinking about what he was going to tell them. He would’ve wanted to at least prepare a bit more but seeing Peter struggle made him impulsively tell everyone to get out of the kitchen and head to the shooting range. Now that they were there, he realized he didn’t have a clue where to start.

“Hey, everyone, listen up, you can continue your bickering in a minute.”
“What’s going on, Tones?”
“See, Rhodey, what Peter said during lunch got me thinking… we really have no clue about how to combine forces, now do we?”
“Where are you going with this, Tony?”
“We’re doing training exercises; we have to be prepared.”
“Where’s Peter?”
“He’s coming in a minute, Wanda; said he had to pick up something from his room, but he’ll be here.”

After that, everyone retook to their initial conversations, and he could hear some of them wondering what it was going to be about. Tony didn’t want to make it visible, but he spent that time staring at the door, hoping that Peter would show up. After all, FRIDAY had already alerted him that Peter was done with his meal, and Tony didn’t understand why Peter hadn’t shown his face yet.

Relief took over Tony when he finally saw Peter walking through the door. He didn’t think he would ever admit it to anyone, but he wanted Peter to build himself a home in the Compound. Tony knew that his family was May, and nothing could ever change that, nor did Tony want to. But he wanted nothing more than for Peter to feel comfortable there, and to know that was his home if he so desired. It was also important for Tony that Peter got along with everyone in the team. If things turned out the way he hoped for, Peter would be joining them soon, and he wanted everyone to know just how valuable he was.

After having officially introduced the activities, and having already started them, Tony felt weirdly comfortable. Everyone seemed to blend with each other well, and their individual abilities paired up nicely. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, though. If it hadn’t been for what happened in Germany, Tony was sure that they would be working flawlessly with one another. Working alongside Steve again was something Tony didn’t expect to feel so comfortable doing. It all seemed so natural, almost like how it went down when they first got to Strucker’s headquarters in Sokovia. That seemed like a lifetime ago, and Tony was glad he got some sense of it.

Peter’s abilities were something Tony didn’t know if he would ever get used to. It was so impressive for a kid so young to be so clever and resourceful. Tony knew that Peter had a bright future, and it was amazing to think about what the future held for him. He didn’t do it often, but Tony really thought he outdid himself by putting it all together in such a small amount of time. He couldn’t have done it without Peter, though. His wits and ideas were the reason they were there; and, for the first time ever, Tony couldn’t wait for everyone to be in his lab working on their suits and equipment and throwing around ideas.

____________________

Tony wasn’t a fan of waking up before the sun had properly risen, and this time it was no exception. He hadn’t really had a restful night since he learned about Peter’s struggles with food, and now he couldn’t really go back to sleep. He couldn’t lie to himself, he felt angry at Peter for having gone jogging. It scared him that his body wouldn’t be able to take the effort or, even worse, that he was doing it to lose weight. It was beyond excruciating to not know the answer.

His best judgement won, and he decided against going downstairs and yelling at Peter for being so irresponsible. Instead, he chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, he had seen the intensity with which he used to jog before. So, Tony made up his mind to intervene and get him out of the tracks if he jogged for more than an hour.

The minute Peter slowed down and started heading towards the main building was the minute that Tony took his phone and called Pepper. He had only now realized that he hadn’t really updated her on anything that had happened since she last was in the Compound.

“Hey, Pep, how’s it going?”
“Tony, how are you? How’s Peter?”
“Oh, well, you know, things are going, for lack of a better word.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You haven’t told me how you are doing. The new building coming along?”
“Yes, Tony, everything is great and marching as it should. Actually, I will drop by in a couple of weeks, we need to go over some paperwork.”
“That sounds… boring.”
“Well, you asked.”
“That I did.”
“So, how are things with Peter?”
“You won’t believe this, Pep. He’s actually doing pretty good. It seems like, when you left, he shifted and started eating more, even almost enthusiastically.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, he even cooks sometimes for the team, and does a great job at it.”
“Huh.”
“Why does that sound disappointed to me?”
“It’s odd, Tony.”
“What’s odd?”
“If what you’re saying is true, things changed pretty quickly, Tony, and that’s not normally how these situations go.”
“Well, he’s not a normal kid.”
“You know what I mean, Tony. Do you really think he’s doing better?”
“Yes, there’s nothing to worry about. Helen checked him up.”
“Really? What did she say?”
“Nothing conclusive yet, just that the kid has a very quick metabolism, but she’ll have definitive answers next week.”
“Did she say anything about his weight? She must’ve noticed how underweight he is.”
“Well, if she did, she didn’t say anything to me.”
“Are you serious, Tony?”
“What now? What did I do wrong?”
“That’s very irresponsible, Tony, we need to know exactly how his body is keeping up and keep it in check. You’re the adult now, you need to start acting like it.”
“The kid has his privacy, and I do not want to invade it.”
“I understand that, Tony, I really do. May left you in charge, though, and you need to do what’s best for the kid.”
“Everything’s fine, he’s doing great so far.”
“I have to go now; we’re checking out a new location on the west coast. Please keep an eye on him, something doesn’t smell quite right to me.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I trust you.”
“Safe travels, I love you.”

____________________

After his chat with Pepper, Tony was left distraught and concerned. Pepper wasn’t here to see what was going on, so she couldn’t really tell how Peter was actually doing. Regardless, he had learned not to question her and her instincts, so he decided to keep a special eye on Peter that day.

As soon as he entered the main building, he could hear everyone talking about the night before and the training activities he had planned. Tony could hear them questioning him and doubting his intentions, and it was slightly hurtful. They didn’t really see it, but he really was doing the best he could for everyone, and it frustrated Tony to know that they thought that he was against them. It was understandable, though. He knew that what happened in Germany changed everything, and he didn’t hope, nor did he want, that things went back to the way they were before. It was simply impossible. But he did want to think that maybe they didn’t see him as the villain with terrible intentions.

It was very heartwarming for Tony to hear Peter defending him. Their relationship was weird, to say the least. He saw Peter like his protégé, and, if he dared admit, almost like a son. But he didn’t know what Peter thought him as. At least this confirmed that he didn’t hate him, and that he understood what he was trying to do for the team.

As soon as Wanda mentioned the plane, Tony knew he had to intervene. It was a topic he didn’t feel entirely comfortable talking about because he blamed himself for everything that happened.

“Back off, Peter did great; I don’t know what would’ve happened if he hadn’t shown up.”
“What was in that plane that was so important?”
“Oh well, Cap, you know, just new prototypes for everyone’s equipment and a couple dozens of arc reactors.”
“Why did they want that?”
“The kid found out they were making weapons with chitauri tech; after the FBI got involved, they sought my tech to continue building it.”

Looking back at it, Tony realized he had never properly thanked Peter for what he had done. If it wasn’t for him, his tech would be lost to someone with dark intentions, and the city would be even more dangerous for it. Peter probably didn’t understand how massive what he did was; it was marvelous.

It was also lifechanging, and Tony dared say that it was for both of them. As soon as he got the call of what had happened, Tony realized the affection that he held for Peter, and how responsible he now felt for his life. It was a moment that changed his life forever, and he wouldn’t have changed a thing if he could’ve.

That didn’t stop him from beating himself up for having taken Peter’s suit away from him. His homemade suit barely protected him from what he endured, and Tony knew that, had Peter had the suit that he made for him, things could’ve been easier for him, and he would’ve been safer. It was something that would haunt him forever, but Tony was determined to shift things. After all, in his eyes, it was also the moment that changed who Peter was as Spider-Man.

____________________

After breakfast, Tony decided to go up to his lab and work on possible designs and new blueprints for everyone’s equipment and what new things could be integrated in them to make them more apt for joint combat. He couldn’t quite find the headspace he needed for it, though. Instead, he kept messing around with the same upgraded piece of equipment for Sam that he had been working on for a couple of weeks.

Seeing Peter walk into the room made Tony’s morning better, and it felt like fresh air to talk to him about something different other than the Accords and his eating habits. He knew that his lab was a safe space for both of them, and Tony intended to keep it that way.

“Fancy seeing you here, kid; come on, take a look at this.”

Having Peter there with him at the lab was nice, but he would be lying to himself if he said that he didn’t have ulterior motives. Since talking to Pepper, Ton had the same pressing thought in his head, and he wanted to prove her wrong. It became his utmost goal of the morning to prove to her, and himself, that Peter was doing better, and that he deserved the trust he knew he was asking for.

“Out with it, kid, what’s up?”
“What do you mean? Nothing’s up.”
“That’s bullshit, what’s going on?”
“I swear, it’s nothing, I promise.”
“This about Spider-Man, isn’t it?”

Tony knew that this was coming, and he knew it would happen sooner rather than later. Peter had always made a point of proving that he was responsible for his city, so it came as no surprise that he was asking Tony to give the suit back and let him go out again as Spider-Man. Tony had to be responsible, though, and letting him go out so soon didn’t seem like the right choice.

It was slightly annoying to see that Peter genuinely thought that he was healthy enough to go back out. Maybe the kid didn’t understand how fragile and vulnerable he actually was, and he probably ignored the danger he was in by going out as underweight as he was. Anyone with eyes could see that he was much stronger compared to how he was a week ago. That didn’t mean that he should go out so soon. Something inside Tony knew that Peter was well enough, and maybe it could do him some good to be Spider-Man again, but it was a risk Tony didn’t know if he wanted to take.

The look of disappointment and anger in Peter’s eyes was something that Tony never wanted to get used to, but for now it was what it was, and he knew he had to stand his ground for the sake of Peter’s health. If something happened to Peter on the city, Tony wouldn’t ever forgive himself, and he wasn’t ready to face the possibility of that happening.

____________________

The environment at lunch was weird, to say the least. Evidently, everyone knew that something had happened with Peter, but no one dared ask. Tony was grateful for it; he didn’t know if he had the patience to deal with anyone’s questions. He chose to remain silent and just listen to the conversation; it seemed like the right thing to do to avoid conflict with Peter in front of everyone.

Hearing that everyone thought that Peter was great as Spider-Man left Tony deep in thought. He was fast, smart, and resourceful; Peter had proven that much in the years he had been Spider-Man. There was no need to prove that; but Tony did need proof that he would be okay.

Tony could see that Peter was confidently speaking about his outings as Spider-Man, and he also noticed that he knew his surroundings well. Peter wasn’t an idiot, and Tony trusted that his intellect reached such lengths that he got to the point where he felt comfortable enough to call Tony in times of need. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t such a bad idea to cut him some slack and give him the suit back.

____________________

Having everyone in his lab was something ever so slightly uncomfortable. The last time he had that many people hanging out in his space was when they were fighting Ultron, and that lab had seen plenty a conflict. Now, after the whole Accords deal in Germany, Tony feared that the access to knowledge of what he was planning for their weaponry would spark new conflicts.

It had always been a quirk of him to want everything he had to be in the place he wanted to. Tony wasn’t sure if he was the most organized person in the world, but he knew where everything was, and feared that they would mess with his stuff, misplacing things and disorganizing his haven.

“Welcome to my sanctuary, don’t make yourselves too comfortable. If anyone stains even one inch of this room, you’ll be kicked out before you can complain.”

The afternoon ran surprisingly smooth, and it was very surprising to Tony to hear that everyone was being honest about what they thought their individual gear needed. He usually worked on their stuff with what he assumed they needed, so it was a welcome change to actually hear what they wanted to be done. He made sure to make a memo to schedule regular meetings with each of them to upgrade their stuff with their help and input.

When the afternoon ended, Tony decided to let Peter know that he was allowed to go back out as Spider-Man again. He was chatting with Rhodey about their plan and its possible success, but Peter would always be more important. Seeing Peter happy and excited about it made Tony’s worries wash away, and he knew in his heart that it wasn’t as terrible as his brain was making it out to be.

____________________

After cleaning up a bit, Tony was heading to the left building. He wanted to be alone and chose to eat dinner in his own lab. It wasn’t like something had happened; on the contrary, things had gone great, but he needed a moment to himself.

“Boss, Peter ate grilled chicken and salad before exiting the premises.”
“Thanks, FRIDAY.”

Thankfully, Peter had actually heeded what he said and ate something with sustenance, instead of something that would give him no energy. He was better, and he refused to let Pepper’s words get to him.

Three hours had gone by, and now Tony was sitting in his lab, with a half full box of takeout pizza and blueprints all over the floor, AC/DC blaring in his ears. It was a nice night, and he was grateful to have had the time to himself. He appreciated every second with the kid, but this was taking a toll on him, too; he needed time to himself.

“Boss, Karen reported that Peter just threw up near Rockaway Beach. He’s dehydrated.”
“Put me through.”

Was he wrong to have given the kid the suit back? Tony hoped not, but the possible scenarios in his head where he was right were growing slimmer by the second.

“Not now, kid? Are you fucking kidding me? What’s going on? How come you’re vomiting in the middle of the city?”
“It’s really nothing, Mr. Stark, I’m fine, I promise.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Parker, why the fuck did this happen, huh?”

It was now clear to Tony that he had made a mistake. Peter wasn’t ready to go out as Spider-Man again, he just desperately wanted to believe that he had done right by Peter to the point where he was well enough again. He was wrong, and now he was going to pay for it.

The rage that Tony felt within him when Peter hung up on him was something he couldn’t quite describe, and it made his blood boil, abandoning any rational thought within him.

“FRIDAY, take me there.”

Notes:

Hey guys! I know it's been a literal month since the last update and for that I'm really sorry; it's been a complicated month. But it's now up! I promise I haven't forgotten about this and will try to post more regularly.

I really wish AO3 had a way for me to let you know when the coger is coming, I really don’t mean to post these chapters so late 🫠

What did you think of Tony's POV in this chapter? What do you think will happen next? Let me know in the comments!

As always, I'm open to suggestions and polite criticism :)

I hope everyone has a great end of the week! x.

Chapter 22: you'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you

Summary:

TW/ Eating disorder thoughts and behaviors | mentions of suicide and anxiety

Read at your own discretion and be safe.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There were many people in Peter’s life who knew and could recount the idiotic things he had done; there were certainly a lot of them. Regardless, this one took the prize. What was even going through his brain to even consider it a good idea to hang up on Tony? Peter knew that the man could very damn easily track him, and he was sure that was what was about to happen. It was honestly an impulsive decision, he didn’t even think about what would happen, but it was just so damn exhausting.

“Peter, Mr. Stark is on his way to pick you up.”
“Great.”

As Peter rolled his eyes, he realized he had to think quickly about what he could do next. Truthfully, he knew he couldn’t run away. For one, he didn’t have more than ten dollars on him, and he didn’t have a lot of choices when it came to what he would wear if he were to change out of his suit to Tony couldn’t track him. It was a fool’s errand, and he knew it was just a matter of time before Tony found him. The only choice he actually had was where Tony would find him.

It brought Peter no joy to think about Iron Man picking up Spider-Man in a very public place, it would be beyond embarrassing and horrifying. Instead, Peter decided to go back to the place he called home. It was as safe as it could get, and at least he would have some sense of privacy. Trying to hold himself together, Peter started swinging north, and hoping that he would be able to speak to Tony without crying. It was already embarrassing enough that he was coming to pick him up; the last thing he needed was for the man to see him cry.

When he arrived at the apartment, a weird mix of emotions came over him. Nostalgia was definitely up there, and he realized just how much he missed May. It wasn’t like he hadn’t spoken to her since she left; on the contrary, he tried to talk to her daily. But he missed her presence so much. It brought him so much comfort and warmth, something he was struggling to get in the Compound, and he desperately needed it.

Deciding whether to be honest with Tony about what had happened was surprisingly hard. Peter was grateful that the Compound was far enough away, so he still had some time to think things through on his own. Ultimately, he realized he shouldn’t tell Tony the entire truth. There was little he could factually hide. After all, the man could very easily check the logs in his suit and see for himself what had been going on.

What he couldn’t know, and what Peter had control over, was how he was feeling. It was at that very moment that Peter realized how not okay he was, and how he hadn’t been in a while. Keeping up with Tony’s expectations for him was hard enough, but he also had to fight his daily battles, trying not to snitch on himself. Evidently, he had even fooled himself into thinking he was okay; but now he realized how much he was struggling with.

Seeing someone attempt to kill themselves first-hand shook Peter to his core. It was definitely a hard topic to talk about, and everyone knew the clichés around it. Nevertheless, very few people actually knew and understood the entirety of it. Now that Peter had seen it up close, several thoughts clouded his mind, and he was struggling to get through them.

When he started to struggle more, Peter pondered whether he wanted to die or not. It was definitely a thought that took permanent residency in his mind, but he had never stopped to think about how serious he was about it. He had always thought it was instinctual; his mind trying to get him to stop aching, but probably not telling him to jump off a bridge. So, maybe he didn’t actually want to die. Maybe he just thought about suicide like a way to stop the pain, rather than actual death.

Now, though, he had seen someone try to die, and it messed up everything he thought he knew about it. There was something exciting about it, and it freaked him out that he thought about it like that. He wondered how that type of rush felt. Being Spider-Man had brought him his fill of adrenaline, but he was sure it could never compare to the possibility of dying; to challenge what his body and mind were screaming at him not to do, instead following his gut and doing it anyway.

There was obviously no way for him to know what drove the man in the bridge to jump off, but the intent was clear: he wanted his troubles to end. Something about that was very intriguing to Peter. It felt almost too good to be true that there was something he could do to stop the pain he felt every day, and it made him curious.

Consciously, he had never tried to kill himself. Peter wasn’t necessarily careful when it came to putting himself in dangerous situations, or how he ignored his body’s needs for food. But he had never done any of it with the intention of dying. Now, after seeing the man jump off, something inside him awakened, and he could feel a switch turn on, actively thinking about the possibility of dying.

Before May left, Tony had a conversation with her that Peter quite clearly remembered. It made him feel taken care of, and like maybe things could still hold some resemblance of normalcy.

“It’s very kind of you, Mr. Stark, but you don’t have to, really.”
“Nonsense, it’s no big deal.”
“Are you sure about this? It seems like too much of a burden.”
“It’s honestly not a problem. It would be a burden for you to deal with tenants all the way across the Atlantic.”
“You’re already doing so much for Peter, it’s not necessary.”
“It’s been decided, I’ve already taken care of everything; there’s no need to rent out the apartment.”

Back then he didn’t really understand why Tony had intervened in the decision of renting out the apartment they had in Queens. It just seemed like something Iron Man wouldn’t be very concerned with. Now, though, he was eternally grateful that May didn’t put up more of a fight. It felt safe, and that was something he needed.

It wasn’t necessarily early, so there was really no one around to see him; he had lucked out. It would’ve seemed weird that Spider-Man was entering a random apartment in Queens in the middle of the night. The furniture was exactly the same way he remembered, and he wondered how Tony was dealing with this. Evidently some had been regularly coming to clean it, and he just now thought about it.

Regardless, he just wanted to sit on the floor. There was something about it that made his brain work better; like he could think more clearly. He sat in front of the couch and simply looked up, trying to get his thoughts in order before Tony entered the apartment. Karen wouldn’t tell him when that was, that much Peter knew, but he could calculate an estimate arrival, and it was getting closer.

In all honesty, Tony was definitely overreacting. To some degree, Peter now knew that Tony did care about him, and that he was concerned about how he had been acting lately. It was probably because he wouldn’t want to be burdened with having to take a teenager to a hospital for severe dehydration, but Peter preferred to think that it was out of genuine concern.

It was unnecessarily overbearing, and Peter didn’t know how much more of it he could take. Tony had obviously never dealt with teenagers before, and Peter wondered if he would every know what to do. The fact that he took the suit to come pick him up because he hung up on him was ridiculous to Peter. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how to take care of himself. For better or worse, he was Spider-Man, and he could hold his own. It felt beyond frustrating to see that Tony didn’t think him strong enough to get himself home after a hard night. Everyone had one of those every once in a while, he just didn’t understand why the man couldn’t fit that thought into his brilliant mind.

One thing Peter knew for sure: he had to start hiding his habits again. Maybe if he had been faster when catching the man, he wouldn’t have felt so nervous to the thought that he might’ve not been on time to get him. He had to stop eating again; it was something imminent, and he was glad he realized that before it was too late. But Tony stood in his way, and he had to get crafty when avoiding meals.

It seemed to Peter that Tony was taking longer than expected to get to the apartment, and, as he was about to ask Karen to call Tony and let him know that he was heading back, a loud thud confirmed his fears, and he saw none other than the Iron Man suit standing at the front door.

“I hope you have a real good explanation, because there is little you could say to justify this.”
“Hi, Mr. Stark.”
“Really? That’s all you’ve got? You could at least try to come up with something to cover up the shitshow you just put on.”

Peter knew that it was humanly impossible, but he swore he could see smoke coming out of Tony’s ears. As soon as the man stepped into the apartment, the armor opened, and Tony exited the suit much like he did back after the ferry accident. It brought chills down Peter’s spine to see how similar the situations were.

“This is unacceptable Peter, what the fuck were you even thinking?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You better be damn well sorry. Did anything even go through that brain of yours to think it was a good idea to simply hang up?”
“I know, Mr. Stark.”
“We had a deal, Peter, and this was not it.”
“I understand.”
“Do you, now? ‘Cause it certainly doesn’t look like it.”

In the back of his mind, Peter had a long list of things he wanted to reply with. He didn’t at all agree with what Tony was saying. But Peter was smart enough to know that picking up a fight with him was useless and not very useful for what he wanted to do. After all, if he wanted to truly convince Tony Stark that he was doing better, he had to work on getting the man to trust him.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, it won’t happen again.”

The lies were beginning to pile up again, and he felt a hint of guilt for doing so, but there was just no other way. He had to be way more careful this time around, it was just not smart of him to recklessly react to whatever the man said.

If his eyes didn’t fail him, Peter could tell that Tony started to calm down. Maybe it really was a good strategy to think about what he wanted to hear, instead of what was true. His semblance softened, and his tone lowered down.

“This was irresponsible, Peter, I thought you knew better.”
“I do, Mr. Stark, I was just overwhelmed.”
“Still, kid, you scared the shit out of me, you can’t be out here pulling stunts like that and think I won’t know.”
“I know, Mr. Stark, it won’t happen again.”

After that, Tony simply continued ranting on about responsibility and safety. Peter’s responses became automatic, trying to get the man to understand that he had gotten his point across, and that he really should stop talking. He had never been one to snap at people, but he didn’t know how much else of this he could take.

Ten minutes had passed, and the conversation started to die down. Peter was grateful for it, but now an uncomfortable silence filled the room, leaving him with the space to think about something he hadn’t considered.

“Are you going to take the suit away?”
“I don’t know, kid, you tell me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know about you, Pete, but I’m getting pretty tired of this. I won’t take the suit away, but you need to be mor careful next time. You need to think about it first; god knows you are smart enough to know not to do that.”
“Thank you so much, Mr. Stark, you won’t regret it.”
“Yeah-huh.”

It was honestly surprising that he hadn’t taken the suit away. The last few times he had fucked up while out as Spider-Man had ended with him pissed off and Tony locking away the suit. It was something humiliating to Peter and evidently exhausting to Tony. He was grateful that the man chose to stop that in this case.

“You know kid, I thought you were puking.”
“Huh?”
“You know, uhm, purging.”
“Oh.”
“What was that, anyway?”

As hard as he was trying to keep his cool, Peter wondered if the panic in his eyes snitched on him. He was definitely not doing okay, and there was little he wouldn’t do to conceal that from Tony.

“I’m really doing better, Mr. Stark, I didn’t cause it, it just happened.”

If there was something he really hated was to feel like a little kid. Since becoming Spider-Man, Peter felt a weight on his shoulders far worse than anything he had ever carried within his body. He knew he had to be a better man for the city, and he couldn’t go around needing supervision for everything. That was exactly what Tony was doing. He was watching his every step and overlooking everything he ate and did. It was infuriatingly frustrating.

“Then what happened?”
“It’s just something that happened on patrol, it kinda threw me off and messed with my stomach.”
“You sure, kid?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Plus, I think I ate way too fast before leaving, and that’s not really the smartest thing to do, right?”

With the amount of experience he had hiding his feelings, Peter now knew that humor was a great diversion from what was going on. If Tony wanted to know what had happened, he could look into Karen’s logs. It’s not like he didn’t want Tony to know what happened, Peter just didn’t want to talk about it. He knew himself enough to know that his expression would tell another tale, and he didn’t want to risk Tony doubting him.

“Well, now that that’s cleared, car’s here to pick us up.”
“W-What?”
“Did you really think I would actually carry you all the way upstate?”
“Is Happy coming for you?”
“No, he’s not coming for us, he’s fast asleep anyway. The car’s driving itself.”
“Oh.”

If swinging back to the Compound took 45 minutes, Peter didn’t even want to think about how much time it would take to get there amid New York’s traffic. He wanted to avoid awkwardness, and he didn’t want to feel as mortified as he currently did for over an hour ride with Tony.

“Mr. Stark? Would it be okay if I swung back home?”
“Yeah, that’s not happening.”
“I promise I’ll get there early. Here, I’ll get there before you do, how’s that?”
“Is that a challenge?”
“Yeah, why not?”

____________________

Having been able to talk things through with Tony and swinging back to the Compound was something Peter didn’t expect would feel so liberating. It was one of the most amazing feelings, and he wished it could’ve lasted forever. But not only did he want to make good on his promise to Tony, but the thought of actually beating him back to the Compound was exciting.

That night he swung faster than he ever had before, leaving his worries away to fade in the wind. He got there in only 30 minutes and was glad to see that the man hadn’t yet arrived. Peter felt proud of himself and headed upstairs to change into his pajamas, hoping to show Tony that he was really trying his best.

Twenty minutes later, Peter heard Tony entering the left building. Initially, he thought that the man would head straight up to his floor but was surprised to see him enter the room just as he was about to get in bed.

“Never do that again, kid.”
“I won’t, Mr. Stark.”
“Goodnight.”

Exhaustion was taking over his body, but his mind was as alert as it ever was. He planned to fall asleep early; trying to be at his best in the morning to get back to work. But that didn’t happen, instead staying up until 2:30am thinking about food, exercise, and calories.

____________________

The morning brought new opportunities, and Peter didn’t dread getting out of bed as he usually did. It was very early, and he decided it was time to get his game on and go back out jogging again. It gave him space to be himself without the expectations of any of the Avengers, and he could just go back to being a kid from Queens. Plus, it burned calories, so that was definitely something that fueled his lungs when he felt like he could pass out.

Since his arrival to the Compound, Peter had found some sort of comforting routine in jogging alongside Sam. The man was a nice person, regardless of everything going on with the Accords, and it was nice to get to know them. But he wasn’t feeling like talking to him. Instead, he decided to go jogging around the lake. After all, it was a far longer distance than the tracks offered, and it was the scenic route. Or so would be his answer if anyone asked why he had chosen that instead of the usual.

Three hours had gone by, and he had run around the lake more than a couple of times. He realized it was probably around the time that everyone was having breakfast, which gave him the perfect opportunity to make it seem like he wanted to eat.

Back in the kitchen of the left building he saw Tony having breakfast and working on his StarkPad. He didn’t pay much attention, but as far as Peter could tell, there were blueprints for a building and a whole lot of documents about who knows what.

“Good morning, Pete.”
“Hey, Mr. Stark, how are you?”
“Not bad, yourself?”
“Pretty good, actually. I was out running earlier, you know, trying to gather my thoughts and such. It was so much fun, Mr. Stark. You know, you should try it sometime, the morning breeze is really good when you’re trying to –”
“I’m gonna have to stop you there. I’m sorry kid, I really need to go over these settlements. Talk later?”
“Sure thing, Mr. Stark, I just came to grab a sandwich, got some stuff to do.”
“See you later, kid.”

Maybe it was luck, or maybe it was finally starting to make sense to him what he had to do. He hadn’t really realized how easily he could annoy someone out of looking at what he was eating. If he was good at anything it was rambling on and on about everything and anything; this was the perfect opportunity. The man didn’t even blink when he ran upstairs with the sandwich, oblivious to the fact that none of it would go down his throat.

____________________

It wasn’t like Peter enjoyed wasting food. He knew how hard it was for a lot of people to make enough money to feed themselves. But he couldn’t help himself, he had to be better for everyone, and flushing the sandwich down the toilet seemed like a good idea. Peter could only hope that FRIDAY wouldn’t snitch on him. There was not really a reason for her to do so; he realized she only told Tony about certain behaviors, and Peter was fairly sure this wasn’t one of them.

After feeling proud of himself for successfully avoiding breakfast, Peter entered his closet, planning to take out some clothes to shower and properly start the day. Regardless, his eyes took him directly to the place where he knew his scale was, and a horrible thought invaded him. He hadn’t weighed himself in a long while, and he could feel fear creeping in.

It was absolutely pathetic, and he knew whoever walked into the closet would probably laugh at what they saw. There he was, sitting on the floor and intensely looking at the scale and wondering if it was worth it. His eyes also took him to the places where he had hidden everything. There were blood-stained tissues and torn apart notebooks; he was walking straight into the past and he didn’t know if he wanted to turn back.

Like the maniac he was feeling like, Peter started cynically laughing. It was actually ridiculous to think about how far astray he had gone from his intent to recover. In his mind, there was nothing to recover from; there was just the need to be thinner and to be better.

“FRIDAY, could you please ask Wanda if she wants to cook lunch with me?”

It was probably a stupid plan, and he knew he could regret it way too fast, but he had to act as if he was really doing better, and there was nothing that could show that more than cooking and actively socializing.

“Ms. Maximoff is in the main living room waiting for you.”
“Thank you, FRIDAY.”

____________________

“You know, Peter, I really don’t get how you guys understand this.”

Peter entered the main living room to find Wanda reading – or rather trying to read – Bruce’s research on nuclear physics. It was always oddly comforting for Peter to get recognition on his intellect. He would never admit it to himself, he never thought that he was actually smart, but he did understand most of Bruce’s research, and it was nice that someone recognized that it was something smart people could do.

“I don’t know, I guess it’s a nerd thing.”
“Maybe, but this is way too much.”
“I don’t really understand how your powers work.”
“It’s different.”
“Is it?”
“Could you explain it?”
“It’s very exciting! There’s this thing, it’s the nucleus of the atom, and it’s composed of protons and neutrons, right? So nuclear physics studies how they behave and interact.”
“Really?”
“I wish I could tell you more, but I think it’s best if Bruce explains it himself, I’m nowhere near as smart as he is.”
“Don’t underestimate yourself, Pete, you’re pretty smart for your age.”
“Well…”
“Anyway, FRIDAY tells you want to make lunch with me today?”
“Yeah, well, I thought it could be fun, you know?”
“Is there something wrong, Peter?”
“What? Why would you say that?”
“You know I love spending time with you, right? It’s uncommon that you looked for me.”

Peter was taken aback by what she said. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise; she was very powerful, and he had seen before how she could sense what was going on with other people. Regardless, he was never comfortable with being the target of her powers.

“Oh, no, nothing’s wrong, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure, Peter?”
“Yeah, everything’s okay, why wouldn’t it be?”
“You’re hiding something from me, I can tell.”
“Why would I hide anything from you?”
“You tell me. Seriously Peter, is everything alright?”

Snapping was something Peter had been actively working on avoiding. It did no good for anyone, but sometimes he just didn’t know how else to handle his emotions. Wanda was being pushy, and a part of Peter was glad that someone noticed when he was off; but this was something he didn’t need. He had to find a way to get her off his back without being rude, and he was struggling to find the words.

“It’s just the whole deal with Spider-Man, it’s been very stressful, that’s all.”
“How come?”
“I wasn’t really planning to have the whole team know about it for a while, you know? I wasn’t ready yet.”
“Why is it stressing you out?”
“I know there’s talk of making me an official Avenger, and the whole deal with the Accords scares me.”
“Why’s that?”
“My identity could very easily be revealed, and I just really don’t want that.”
“You know, Tony really cares about you, and I’m sure he’s going to handle everything so that you’re safe; you’ve got nothing to worry about.”
“What do you think of it, anyway?”
“I’m concerned about it.”
“Why? You’re really cool.”
“Thank you, Peter, but it’s not enough. They know I’m dangerous, and they might blame us again and it would mess everything up.”
“You’re not dangerous, you’re just special in a way they don’t understand. I know a bit of that myself.”
“It could be good, you know? The whole Accords thing, maybe it’s for the better.”

Peter realized that Wanda was uncomfortable, and the last thing he wanted was for her to feel that way around him. He had grown very close to her lately, and he wanted to do his best to befriend her. Thankfully, she spoke first.”

“So… any thoughts about what you want to make for lunch?”
“I’m not really sure, I had an idea, but I don’t know.”
“Shoot.”
“I thought some sort of Mexican buffet? You know, placing nachos and tortillas in two big bowls and then a whole lot of ingredients in other bowls so that everyone can serve themselves what they want.”
“Sounds good to me, let’s get to it.”

In all honesty, Peter wasn’t really a fan of the idea, but it seemed like the perfect opportunity to make it seem like he ate something. He could very easily put some bites of food in his mouth while cooking so that Wanda saw him eat, and then spit it in a napkin. He had the perfect excuse to tell Tony that he had actually eaten, and Wanda would vouch for him. It was a flawless plan.

____________________

After an hour or so, they were done making lunch. He had executed his plan perfectly, even having Wanda playfully roll her eyes at him as he but nachos with sour cream in his mouth. Thankfully, she was busy making something else, so when she turned around, he spit the food in the napkin and immediately threw it away. That same thing he did about 20 times with different sorts of food, and he was sure he fooled her.

As everyone started gathering around to eat, Peter started getting anxious. The possibility of Tony not believing him was scary enough, but the thought of everyone seeing it was far worse.

“Any particular reason you didn’t serve your plate, kid?”
“I just ate a ton while making lunch; I was kind of hungry after only having a sandwich for breakfast, I couldn’t wait to eat more.”
“Really?”
“Peter’s got a pretty big appetite. For a moment there I thought there wouldn’t be any food left for the actual meal.”

Everyone was laughing, and Tony playfully shook his head and smiled. It was exhilarating for Peter to see that his plan was actually working, and that he had fooled all of them.

After a while, they were all done eating, having left very few amounts of food in each bowl. Even some of them had second servings, saying it was a great idea and that they should do it more often. It brought a smile to Peter’s face. Regardless of his own personal motives, he did want to get closer to the team, and he appreciated it when they thought he had done something right by them.

“Anyone up for a movie?”
“Great idea, kid, any suggestions?”

Seeing that Steve took the lead in accepting the idea was relieving to Peter. He knew that Tony and Steve were the leaders of the group, and he knew that when one of them agreed, everyone else would follow. It all went exactly as he thought it would: everyone stood up, taking their plates to the sink, and made their ways upstairs to get the movie started, even some of them taking snacks to have while watching the movie.

“Hey, Mr. Stark? Can I talk to you for a moment?”
“Sure, kid, what’s up?”

The whole movie idea was something Peter only proposed so that he could avoid eating. If he was alongside the group, and sat next to someone who was snacking, maybe he could get away with saying at dinner that he had already eaten. But then, another idea struck him, but he knew he needed Tony’s approval first.

“I was just thinking I could go out on patrol tonight? I wanted to get your approval first, you know, after what happened last night. It’s okay if you don’t think it’s a good idea, it probably isn’t, but maybe it could be good? I wanted to ask you first.”
“I seriously don’t understand how your lungs can hold that much air for you to ramble that much.”
“Sorry.”
“What are you gonna have for dinner?”
“I can stop somewhere to buy something; I can send you a picture if you want.”

The man simply smiled, rolled his eyes, and made a hand gesture that Peter understood to be permission for him to go out again, making the day even better than it already was.

____________________

It was unbelievable to Peter that he had gotten away with every lie he had told during the day. Maybe he was finally getting the hang of it, and maybe this would be the time he could finally succeed in becoming his best self. He didn’t really care about how lightheaded he felt, he only cared about the wind that was hitting his face through the mask, and how free he felt swinging through the city.

Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t eaten anything, and maybe it wasn’t the best idea. The last time he had skipped meals consecutively ended up in passing out in the middle of Queens and the whole Avengers team finding out his identity. There was little he wanted to avoid more than that. This time he had to be smarter and find alternatives that wouldn’t mess up his goals.

Peter arrived in the city around 3pm, and he couldn’t believe how much time he had to serve his city. The day was just getting better and better, and he hoped nothing would get in his way. Throughout the afternoon, Peter stopped several muggings, and helped two groups of tourists find their way through Queens.

Before, he didn’t really appreciate the little things, but now he thought anything he could do counted. It had been such a good day that he even took his witty side out to mess with the criminals and try to make the situation a little less tense than it had to be.

In the blink of an eye, five hours had gone by, and he realized that he was getting tired. Not eating during the day was taking a toll on his body, and he knew he had to stop if he wanted to avoid passing out. Maybe, in the future, Tony would trust him more and let him stay out on patrol until later in the night and he could be more useful at times when he was needed more, but for now he had to settle.

On the other hand was the fact that he truly wanted to watch a movie with everyone. Sometimes he forgot that he was living with the Avengers, and that a lot of people would want to be in his position. He was very grateful for everything Tony had done for him, so he wanted to make good on his efforts and actually spend time with everyone.

Midway through the northernmost side of Manhattan, Peter realized he told Tony that he would stop somewhere to get something to eat. If he wanted this to work, he had to try his best to make the man believe that he did, in fact, eat something.

With that in mind, Peter stopped at a Subway and ordered an Italian BMT Footlong sandwich, alongside a cookie, a bag of chips and a soda. He had thankfully thought about it before hand and brought with him the debit card Tony had given him. Peter felt slightly guilty for spending his money, but he was starting to realize that it meant nothing to the man.

“Hey, Karen, could you please send Mr. Stark a picture of what I got?”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

Now that that was over with, Peter had to figure out what to do with the sandwich. He was definitely not going to eat it, but he was also not going to throw it away, far too aware of the fact that wasting food, and Tony’s money, was out of the question. Instead, he looked around the street and found his answer.

“Hey, ma’am? Would you like to have this? I swear I haven’t had a bite.”
“You’re very kind, Spider-Man, thank you.”
“You know who I am?”
“I feel safer knowing you’re out there.”
“I’m glad I could help.”
“God bless you, Spider-Man, thank you very much.”
“It’s my pleasure.”

With the wave of his hand, he said goodbye to the woman on the street, satisfied with himself for helping someone who needed it. It was a win-win situation, really.

As he started swinging north again, heading to the Compound, Peter realized something he had been denying to himself. Spider-Man had now become a cover up for his skipped meals. He was now using him to avoid eating in front of people, and it made him feel guilty beyond words. Spider-Man was supposed to be someone selfless, but now Peter had transformed him into the exact opposite. It was necessary, though, it was just temporary so that he could be a better Spider-Man for the people.

____________________

“Hey, Peter, you missed the whole movie, it’s already ending.”
“I’m sorry, Bruce, I lost track of time.”
“You were out as the spiderling?”
“It’s Spider-Man, Sam, it’s really not that hard.”
“Well, you missed out, Pete, we had a blast, you should’ve been here.”
“Yeah, Queens can do without its vigilante for a night.”
“Maybe next time.”

Entering the living room to the sound of everyone laughs made Peter’s heart ache. He was so focused in avoiding eating that he forgot he was also skipping the happy moments with the people around him.

“Hey kid, come here.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark?”
“You know you didn’t have to actually send a picture, right?”
“Well, I just thought it would be better, you know? I haven’t exactly been the easiest person to deal with, and I wanted to keep my promise.”
“That’s good, kid.”
“I had fun.”
“Those sandwiches are gross; you gotta look for something more substantial next time, that food won’t do you any good.”
“I’ll check out my options.”

____________________

Back in his room, Peter was relieved, but the guilt was eating him from the inside out. He hated lying to Tony, especially when the man had made so many efforts for him. It wasn’t fair to him or anyone else for that matter. Maybe they were right, and he could actually take a day off to have fun. Maybe he could make time for it.

But the same thoughts taunted him, and he knew that every moment he spent with them was a moment when he was going to have to eat or make up even more lies to cover up what he was doing.

For a long time, he wanted to be a part of the Avengers, and it just sucked that he knew he was wasting the chance to actually live out his dream. He could’ve been getting strategy advice from Natasha and fighting tips from the Captain America. Instead, he had chosen to isolate himself. It was sad, really.

It was all going to be worth it, right?

Notes:

Hey guys! Finally posting this! Last week was my grandma's 80th birthday and I didn't really have time to sit down and write. But it's finally up!

I have a feeling that the story is getting repetitive. I want to show that this whole journey is full of ups and downs, but I'm not really sure how that feels for you guys. Please let me know in the comments if you think it's getting boring.

Also, please let me know if you have any other thoughts or suggestions! I'm always open to polite criticism :)
One of these days I will sit down and fix all the mistakes I've made in the previous chapters, I swear.

I hope everyone has a beautiful week .x

Chapter 23: I heard that you've been having some trouble finding your place in the world

Summary:

TW/ eating disorder behaviors and thoughts.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The morning came and Peter was just not feeling it. In his mind, he was doing what was right, and it would all be worth it. But, as most things go, he came to realize that maybe he wasn’t 100% right. His body was billing him on everything he did the last 24 hours, and it was just exhausting. He was feeling lethargic, and it was disappointing and frustrating. The lack of energy made him feel useless, and, even if his brain was telling him that he was wrong, he couldn’t help but feel like he was doing what he should.

His heart was racing, and the pounding headache made it hard for him to focus. Regardless, Peter chose to ignore it. Instead, he did what he did most mornings and got up to jog around the lake.

The 5am breeze hit his face and it made a tiny bit of the nausea he was feeling go away for a split second. Peter knew that his body was struggling to keep up, but he was determined to do his best. The breaths that did get into his lungs were definitely struggled, and that made him feel out of breath.

The trees around him turned into his support system, as he had stop and lean against them to regain balance. Otherwise, he knew for a fact he would pass out, and he didn’t have a doubt that Tony would be there before he could hit the floor.

As much as he wanted to keep up with his workout, he wanted to avoid nothing more than having anyone realize that his body was about to give up on him. If anyone did see him, the word would eventually get to Tony that he was having a really hard time standing on his feet.

By now, Peter knew that his heightened senses were failing him, and he was fairly sure that now he had the senses a regular person would have. It made him anxious beyond words. He had spent more than a year with the perks that came with being Spider-Man, and now he realized how much he relied on them. Without his heightened hearing, and what he referred to as his spider-sense he was having a really hard time knowing if someone was sneaking up on him. Granted, it was barely 6am, and what he had learned from his time at the Compound was that not many people were up that early, much less around the lake.

Peter was smart, and he realized that he was about to pass out, having to regain his balance much more than 30 minutes before. Peter knew he had to slow down, so he started walking, instead of jogging. If Tony asked, he was simply thinking, and he would be none the wiser that his body was begging for him to lay down for a while.

Since having decided to get back on track and hiding his efforts, Peter wanted to protect Tony from the disappointment that came with finding out that he had gotten back to what he wanted Peter to stop doing.

Deep down, Peter knew how much it hurt Tony what he was doing, and it pained him beyond words to do so; but he didn’t know how to stop. He was eternally grateful for the man and for what he had done for both him and his alternate persona, so he decided that concealing how weak he was feeling was the best way to go.

____________________

Entering the main kitchen was terrifying to Peter in every way possible. When he was walking the final lap around the lake, he realized that if he didn’t eat something he would surely pass out and tell on himself. With his consciousness putting up a big fight, Peter made his way to the kitchen in the search of something that would give him fuel enough to avoid arising suspicion.

Nevertheless, luck wasn’t on his side, and he could hear from the door a loud laugh coming from Steve and, to his surprise, Bucky. Peter knew that the man had a very troubled past, and he truly understood why he was so reserved; so, hearing him laugh was very foreign to Peter but somewhat comforting.

As soon as he entered, he smelled the strong stench coming from their breakfasts, which were obviously extremely greasy and surely flooded with calories. It made him uncomfortable beyond words, and he had a hard time keeping his mouth shut so he would puke whatever he had in his stomach. His mind was screaming at him to turn around and start running so he could avoid talking to them, but they had already acknowledged his presence; there was little he could do.

“Hey, kid, come join us.”
“Oh, hi, Steve.”
“How’s it going?”
“I’m good, Mr. Barnes; and you?”
“Do you want to join us for breakfast? You’re looking a little pale there.”
“Thank you, but I actually came for a light pre-breakfast snack, you know? I promised Mr. Stark that I’d have breakfast with him later, but I felt kind of hungry, so I came for a little something.”
“It’s okay, Peter, don’t worry about it.”
“Aren’t you enhanced?”

Bucky’s question really startled Peter. It was true that they now knew who he was and what he could do, but Peter wanted to avoid talking about it, for the most part, at least.

“Well, yeah, I guess. Not as much as you, I bet.”
“You should eat more, son. With enhancements your body asks for more, and you gotta listen; otherwise, it’ll turn on you.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re probably right, I’ll have something more substantial later.”

After that, the room fell silent, and they both continued eating, but now they seemed like they wanted to talk to him but didn’t know how. Peter couldn’t blame them, the whole deal with the Accords was hard enough, and he knew that they saw him as Tony’s something, so it was very natural that they didn’t know how to talk to him.

“So, kid, from enhanced to enhanced, what can you do?”
“Oh, well, I guess I’m not really sure yet? Mr. Stark keeps saying we should look into it, but I really don’t know.”
“What do you know as of today?”
“Uhm, well, I can stick to ceilings and walls, it’s very useful. I guess I have enhanced senses? You know, like hearing and sight? But there’s also this thing I like to call spider-sense, that’s kind of a sixth sense and it warns me when there’s danger.”
“I know it’s much more than that?”
“What do you mean?”
“We have met before, remember? You’re crazy strong and fast.”
“Oh, well, yeah, I guess.”
“It’s very impressive, kid.”
“It’s really nothing, you’re much stronger.”
“We all have our individual skills, you know that, right?”

Peter had already taken out of the fridge a couple of turkey ham slices and an egg to boil. If he could’ve, he would’ve chosen to eat just the egg whites, but he knew that would arise suspicion, so he decided against it. There was something nagging at him for a while, and he figured it was now or never he could ask.

“What are your enhancements? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“It’s alright, son. It’s quite the ride, isn’t it, Buck?”
“Huh, tell me about it.”
“You know, kid, Dr. Erskine used a serum to accelerate my metabolism and enhance all bodily functions, or so he said. That gave me a hell lot of strength and speed. I owe it all to him, this life wouldn’t have come to me without him.”
“I think we learned about it in school, they say he’s the reason you guys won the war.”
“Well, I sure do think that, he was a great man.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, Mr. Barnes, what are your enhancements?”

Suddenly, the environment turned very uncomfortable, and Peter realized that it was a sore subject. It was incredibly stupid of him to think Bucky would be comfortable enough with him to share that.

“I’m so sorry, it was stupid of me to ask, please forgive me, I didn’t mean to be so rude. I really didn’t think, I’m really sorry.”

There was silence and Peter hated himself for every second of it. It was insensitive and rude, and Peter didn’t think before speaking. In his head, it was just the most idiotic thing he had ever done, and the way he was beating himself up was probably going to take a much more physical turn if he didn’t do anything about it.

“You know, I always wanted to ask about your life before all this; you know I’m from Queens and I know you’re from Brooklyn so I thought you could tell me about it, you know? From neighbor to neighbor, maybe there are stories that –”
“It’s okay, kid, you gotta stop rambling.”
“I really am sorry, Mr. Barnes, I didn’t mean to be so insensitive.”
“I got HYDRA’s version of the serum Steve got, but it was faulty, and well, they turned us into weapons.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Barnes.”
“You can call me Bucky, kid. And it’s okay, the time I spent in Wakanda really helped.”
“I’m glad to hear that Mr. Bar– Bucky.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that even though I did all those things, I didn’t do all those things.”
“I can’t even imagine, I’m really sorry.
“It’s not your fault, Peter. And, besides, having this one here to help me through it is really helpful.”
“You did pretty good by yourself in Wakanda, Buck; give yourself some credit.”

As the conversation started do die down, Peter realized that they both still had an unsurmountable amount of food on their plates, while peter had the egg and a slice of turkey ham. It was awkward because he knew how weird that empty of a plate seemed to anyone.

There was also the fact that he had a pounding headache, and it was hard to focus. He was trying to conceal it, but that effort really took a toll on him, and it was probably evident that he was struggling.

“Everything okay there, Pete?”
“Yes, Steve, I’m okay, I’m really okay, everything’s fine.”
“You don’t sound too convinced.”
“I’m fine, really. But, for real this time, what was Brooklyn like back then?”
“It was pretty cool, we lived in Hell’s Kitchen, and I met Buck there, we became pretty close real soon.”
“He was pretty insistent, don’t let him fool you.”
Anyway, we had a lot fun going to Coney Island; you’d be surprised how similar it is now from how it was back then.”
“That’s very nice.”
“How’s Queens like? Haven’t been there a lot.”

They were having a pretty nice chat, and Peter was surprisingly immersed enough in the conversation that he wasn’t really aware of how quickly he got comfortable around the food in his plate. Without much of a warning, none other than Tony entered the room, which made Peter start munching on his food so the man would see him eat. Apparently, it worked, because the man raised his eyebrow at him and smiled.

“Don’t believe anything they say, kid, they weren’t cool back then.”
“And how would you know?”
“Well, dear old dad always made your star-spangled ass look like a god, but the records say otherwise.”

Suddenly, the environment turned incredibly awkward, and the light smiled that Bucky had on his face instantly faded, turning his expression into a somber and guilty one. Peter had known Tony for a while now, and he knew in his heart that Tony wasn’t trying to spark conflict, much less bring out the fact that it was Bucky who killed his dad. To Peter, it genuinely sounded like he wanted to talk about what Howard had told him about how it was back then.

“He was a great man, Tony.”
“Yeah, well, he did get you that shield and uniform, you’re kinda obligated to say that at the risk of sounding ungrateful, and America’s golden child would never want that now, would he?”
“Knock it off, Tony; I mean it, he was great.”
“Yeah, huh.”
“How was he like, Steve?”
“He was pretty smart, Pete; much like his son.”

Tony simply scoffed and rolled his eyes, which made Peter wonder if he was being sarcastic or truthful. In reality, a lot of the times Peter had no idea whether Tony was being serious or joking around.

“Well, for better or worse, I guess he did a good job.”
“That he did.”
“Hey, Rogers, have you given any thought to the adjustments of the Accords?”
“How about we talk about that later, Tony? We’re meeting with Sam in 10 minutes.”
“Sounds good.”
“Goodbye, kid, nice talking to you.”
“Thank you, Bucky, it was nice talking to you, too.”

Just like that, the two men left the room and headed outside. Thankfully, most of the times he was alone in a room with Tony, Peter didn’t feel uncomfortable. It was a nice thing he had grown used to; so, now that they were alone in the kitchen, Peter didn’t feel the need to speak if he didn’t have anything to say.

“Fancy seeing you here, Pete.”
“Yeah, I just went to the lake in the morning, and I was kind of hungry, and I didn’t want to make any noise in the left building, I figured I didn’t know who was awake, so I decided to come here instead, and I saw they were here and –”
“We’re gonna have to get your lungs checked out to see why the hell you can ramble on and on. Seriously kid, it’s impressive.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh, no, it’s okay. Tell me more, what did you guys talk about?”
“We just talked a bit about enhancements and Brooklyn back then, it was a nice talk, really.”
“It’s nice seeing you eating, kid.”
“I am better, Mr. Stark, I promise. I feel better, and I hope you can trust me, I feel great, I really do.”

Peter hated lying, and he specially hated lying to Tony. He hated himself for being rude to the man who had given him so much, but this was the only way he could think of to keep bettering himself.

“You know I do trust you, kid, but it was a big deal, Peter.”
“I know, and I truly am sorry, but I think it was just a small thing, you know? A small temporary thing, and I’m definitely over it.”
“You sure, kid?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark; see? I eat and I feel happier and healthier, I swear I’m good.”
“What would you have me do, then?”
“You know, I am not a child anymore and –”
“Kind of are.”
“Am not. But anyway, I just thought that maybe, uhm, you could kinda back off a little bit? I don’t want to sound rude or anything, but I just think that maybe you could just be less all over the place when I’m eating or when I don’t.”
“Huh.”
“Mr. Stark?”
“Okay, Pete, I trust you; I hope you’re using that brain of yours to know what you’re doing.”
“I will, Mr. Stark, thank you so much.”

A part of Peter felt extremely proud for pulling off that lie in front of Tony, it was truly amazing how the man didn’t question him, just blindly trusted him. But that’s exactly what made Peter feel immensely ashamed and guilty.

“So, Peter, guess who I talked to earlier.”
“Who?”
“Helen called; she’s sending over the results tonight.”
“Oh.”
“That’s exciting stuff, don’t you reckon?”
“Well, yeah, I guess.”

Truly, Peter was terrified beyond words. He tried his best to hide it, but it was probably futile. Now that he knew Helen’s results were coming sooner rather than later, it was now time for him to face what the bite had actually done to his body, and more importantly, to his metabolism. If the report showed that he needed a huge amount of calories, he’d probably freak out, and he didn’t want to do that.

“Mr. Stark, I think I’m gonna head out, I actually want to go out on patrol, maybe help some people.”
“Sounds good, kid. Will you be back for lunch?”
“Sure!”

Tony didn’t need to know that Peter had no intention to come back for lunch, and much less that he would try his best to come up with any excuse to avoid eating.

____________________

As soon as he was out of the Compound, Peter felt a weird mix of exhaustion, fear, and excitement. He had been feeling lightheaded since the moment he left Tony behind, and he could finally stop pretending he wasn’t about to pass out. Now that he was swinging through the trees he felt the power of it, and there were black spots that blurred his vision.

Peter knew he had to stop somewhere, otherwise one of Tony’s suits would come pick him up in less time than Peter could imagine. Whatever strength Peter had in him, he channeled it to swing through New York and land in a rooftop northmost of Queens. There, he took off his mask and took a deep breath. His lungs were struggling, and his muscles were having a hard time, too.

One thing Peter had learned about being Spider-Man before he met Tony was that he had to be resourceful and smart. Without that, no suit could get him through a night of being Queens’ vigilante. Instead, he quickly put on the mask again and swung to the nearest store to get himself two zero-kcal energy drinks. Honestly, he didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of that before. It gave him the energy without the calories sticking to his body; it was a genius solution.

When he finally had them, he wasted no time and immediately chugged them. There were little words that could describe what happened, but it felt like magic. Suddenly, he felt energetic again, and he felt like he was actually awake, and like his muscles would finally heed his commands. Granted, he felt a shot of pure energy up his spine and to his brain, but it was nothing compared to what he had gained from chugging them.

Now having the energy, Peter swung around Queens like he had never before, and finally felt like he was himself again. Very little food had gotten through his throat recently, but now it felt like it had been a regular amount, and like his body was actually using the energy. One thing that was disappointing to Peter was the fact that his enhanced senses were stubborn and didn’t respond to the energy drinks.

Peter helped so many people, and he felt proud of himself for it. Usually, he went out on patrol later in the day, mostly at night. But now that he was out during the morning, he realized that crime had no timeline, and the number of muggings he stopped was truly surprising. Ben and May had always told him that he had to be more careful at night because it was more dangerous, but now he was wondering if he was failing the city by not going out during the morning, too.

It brought him joy to help tourists; he was contributing to let the world know that Queens was a pretty good place, and that Spider-Man was there to keep them safe. But what brought him most joy were the most mundane things, like helping the elderly cross the street, or give a hand to someone who struggled to handle lots of grocery bags.

“Peter, Mr. Stark is on the line.”
“Thanks, Karen, put him through.”
“Hey kid, how’s it going? Having fun, I hope.”
“Hi, Mr. Stark, everything’s going great!”
“So, Pete, we’re having burgers for lunch. What time are you coming? They’re asking so they know when to get them started.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, I didn’t know you’d be waiting for me.”
“Well, you managed to crawl yourself up their affection, so they constantly ask about you.”
“Oh.”
“So, what time?”

Immediately, images of Sophie’s murder and the man’s suicide attempt flashed in Peter’s brain and fogged his consciousness. He couldn’t stop patrolling to go eat some greasy burger; what if he wasn’t there when someone needed him to? What if he did eat the burger and it just slowed him down the next time? It was a chance Peter was not willing to take.

“Uhm, actually, Mr. Stark, I’m meeting Ned in May’s apartment, we’re having takeout for lunch; is that okay?”
“Sounds great, kid. Have fun.”

“Hey, Karen, could you please ring Ned?”

____________________

The last time he was at May’s apartment was when Tony was scolding him for having hung up on him the night that the man tried to commit suicide. The apartment brought so many memories, and nostalgia came washing over him. Regardless, it didn’t last long because his whole focus changed when he saw Ned standing at the front door.

“Hey, man, how’s it going?”
“How long has it been, Peter? I missed you.”
“I missed you, too; we gotta do this more often.”
“You have this crazy life now, I wish I could have that, man.”
“I’m sure Mr. Stark won’t have a problem with you coming to the Compound, I don’t think; I’ll ask him, though.”
“Hey, Peter, is everything okay?”

Talking to Ned felt like taking a breath after being underwater for a long time. It was refreshing and relieving, and it made him forget that his stomach was eating itself, and that he would probably pass out soon. That question, though; it brought him back to reality and he was now scared that he was dragging Ned into his mess.

“What do you mean, Ned, I feel great!”
“You don’t look so good, man; what’s going on?”
“I don’t know what you mean; everything’s totally fine.”
“You’re really thin, Peter, it’s kinda scary.”
“I’m fine, Ned, I promise. I just had issues adapting to living there, it can get kind of intimidating.”
“Don’t go passing out on me, Peter.”
“It’s okay, Ned, everything’s fine, I promise.”
“You know you’re my best friend, right?”
“You’re my best friend, too, Ned.”
“So, you know I don’t buy it, but I trust you.”
“I promise I’m okay, Ned, there’s nothing to worry about.”

After that, Peter had a horrible feeling, and his self-hatred just intensified. Before May decided to go to Sweden, Peter had already distanced himself from Ned. But that never took away how much he cared for him and talking to him felt like home. But lying to him felt like hell. He had dragged him into his mess and had lied to him to his face. It made Peter want to die.

Ned said that he was craving pizza, and so, Peter ordered pizza takeout. They had a special place they both loved, and that’s where he placed the ordered. Thankfully, he had taken Tony’s cards with him. He had learned his lesson and knew it was probably best to have some money on him. Additionally, it would make for the perfect excuse if he could see that he had spent money. But, of course, Peter didn’t eat; saying that he had a huge breakfast with Captain America and Bucky Barnes.

“Are you going somewhere with your family for summer vacation?”
“Yeah! We’re going to Dominican Republic, isn’t that wild?!”
“Sounds great, Ned! Where will you stay?”
“We’re going to some resort in Punta Cana, my mom says it’s supposed to be really good; she found a coupon and now we’re spending two weeks in the Caribbean.”
“That’s dope, dude! When are you leaving?”
“We’re leaving in a week, it’s gonna be great!”
“I’m happy for you, Ned.”
“What about you, Peter? Any plans?”
“To be honest with you, I have no idea. I guess I always assumed I’d stay the entirety of the two years holed up in the Compound, but Mr. Stark offered me to go to Sweden to be with May for a while.”
“That’s awesome, dude! When are you leaving?”
“I don’t know, Ned, I don’t think I’ll accept the offer, it’s too much.”
“But he’s offering.”
“Yeah, but still, it’s just too much.”
“Maybe, I don’t know.”
“How’s it? Living with them, I mean.”

Now that was something Peter didn’t know how to answer. It had been almost a month since he arrived at the Compound, but it felt like just a couple of days. Most of it had been pretty cool, and he knew that; but a lot was also stressful and painful, but that was something Ned didn’t need to know.

“It’s overwhelming, not gonna lie.”
“I bet! How’s the thing with Captain America and, you know, the Rogues?”
“I don’t really know how much I can tell you, but they’re working it trough, trying to make it right, you know? In a way that works for everyone.”
“That must be awkward.”
“Yeah, it gets weird sometimes, but most of the time it’s pretty cool.”
“Really? What do you guys do?”
“Well, there are a lot of movie nights, and I’m fairly sure most of meals are held together, which is pretty nice.”
“How is it living with the Bruce Banner?”
“Dude, it’s so cool! He’s super chill and smart; I’ve been to his lab a couple of times, and I love it.”
“That’s awesome, man, you gotta let me go one of these days.”
“I promise I’ll ask if it’s cool.”

Four hours later, Ned was saying goodbye, saying he had to leave to run some errands for their trip. Doing their secret handshake after such a long time brought tears to Peter’s eyes, but he wasn’t about to let Ned know how much he missed that sense of normalcy. Yes, living with the Avengers was amazing, but Peter had to admit that it got suffocating and he needed to breathe. That was what Spider-Man had been for the last month.

____________________

The night was starting, and Peter was swinging around the city, doing his best to help people around him. It was pretty evident that most robberies occurred at night, and Peter felt proud of himself for stopping a dozen of them.

After chugging two more energy drinks, Peter continued swinging and doing his best, but his body had other plans and in a split of a second, he was face-slamming into a building in western Queens. Thankfully he didn’t pass out, but this was warning enough that his body wasn’t keeping up.

He had been ignoring it for a couple hours now, but it was now impossible to ignore. His head was hurting like it never had before, and his legs felt like jell-o. It was now time to head back to the Compound, even if he wanted to stay in Queens for much longer. After all, it had been a good 10 hours, and it was getting late; maybe it was enough.

After chugging the last energy drink, which counted now five in that night, Peter felt a rush of adrenaline and swung as fast as his arms allowed him to to the Compound. The sooner he arrived, the sooner he could get into his bed and hopefully his body would forgive what he had been doing and not tell on him.

____________________

Before May left, when he was out as Spider-Man, Peter never really craved to get back to his bed and sleep. It was something he never thought about because, usually, he didn’t feel like his world was collapsing. Now, though, there was nothing he wanted more than to get under the covers and fall into the deepest sleep his mind allowed him to.

But much aligned to his Parker luck, he couldn’t well do that. When he landed on the main building he could already see Natasha sitting in the bench in front of the tracks, and she was looking his way, which Peter understood to be a message that she was waiting for him to arrive.

Peter had admired her since the moment he heard of the Black Widow and what she had done when the Stark EXPO was attacked by Ivan Vanko. She was truly amazing, and he would never deny that, but he just didn’t want to talk to her; but he also wouldn’t ever avoid or ignore her.

“I was wondering when you’d show up.”
“How’s it going?”
“Don’t you get tired of having the mask on? You should take it off, it seems suffocating.”
“Oh, I’m fine.”
“You can take it off, we all know who you are, right?”

Truth be told, Peter wanted to take off his mask since the moment he entered the Compound premises. The suit Tony made for him was perfect in every way, but the way he breathed without the mask was much better than with it. And now that his lungs were screaming for help, he wanted to take the mask of.

But he knew Natasha would instantly know how malnourished he was; after all, he was pale and evidently nauseous and dizzy. It was hard to ignore what she said, so he complied and took off his mask.

“What’s going on, Peter?”
“What do you mean? I’m doing great, really, everything’s fine.”
“What happened out there?”
“Oh, well, you know, some muggings and a lot of tourists; but all in a days’ work, right?”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Try words.”

By now, Peter knew he had to talk to her about it, whatever it could be. She was extremely smart, and Peter didn’t ever want to get on her bad side; he was sure it was much better to be on her good side, and he figured lying to her was probably not a great start.

“Oh, well, uhm, there was this man, and, uh, he jumped off a bridge. I mean, he’s fine, everything’s fine, but it really shook me, you know? I know it’s stupid that it’s got me so worked up, but yeah, that’s what happened.”
“You know, Pete, I understand how that can affect someone. Maybe it’s best if you lie down; give yourself time to process things through.”
“Yeah, I will.”
“It’s very impressive how you swing; I had never seen that up close before.”
“Oh, yeah, it’s nothing, really.”
“If you ever feel up to it, I can teach you a thing or two about being stealthy.”
“That sounds great!”
“Just let me know.”
“I will; but I actually want to go to bed now, maybe regain some energy, you know?”
“Have a night sleep, kid.”

____________________

Back in his room, Peter could barely hold on. The small energy he had in his body was directed into putting up a façade for everyone around him. It was getting exhausting, and he was done for the day.

His world was definitely spinning, and his stomach was screaming, begging for any food. It truly took genuine effort to take off the suit and change into his pajamas. It was summer, but most nights he went to bed freezing, feeling his bones turn to ice. He had managed to figure out the lack of control he had over how his body dealt with heat, but now that he also had a severe lack of energy in his body, it felt like ice had taken over his veins.

As he entered the bathroom, his throat gagged without his permission, and Peter swore he was about to puke, but there was nothing to puke, it was just saliva and terrible thoughts. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, maybe the fact that he couldn’t puke anything would make FIRDAY none the wiser.

“Peter, your presence is requested upstairs.”

Somehow, his day continued to get worse, but he knew he couldn’t ignore Tony. Instead, he wiped the sweat off his forehead, splashed some water in his face, and put on the best poker face he could.

____________________

“So, kid, how did patrol go? A bit late tonight, huh?”
“Yeah, it was a lot of fun, I stopped a ton of muggings, it was pretty cool. Oh, I almost forgot; I had lunch at May’s apartment with Ned, we had takeout pizza.”
“You know I trust you, kid, right? You don’t need to provide evidence that you ate.”
“Right.”

It was great to Peter to know that Tony really trusted him, and that he didn’t need proof of his eating anymore. Guilt was building up in his throat, and if Tony weren’t there, he would’ve probably puked whatever came out of him.

“How did your day go, Mr. Stark?”
“Oh, you know, nothing interesting, just talking about Spider-Man.”
“Oh.”
“We had a pretty nice chat with Bruce and Rhodey, we all think you could be a great asset to the team.”
“Yeah, about that.”
“I know what you’re going to say, and I’m not going to push you. You need to know that you’d be great as an official Avenger; we could use someone genuine for a change.”
“Maybe, I don’t know. I guess with everything going on I haven’t given it any real thought, you know?”
“Just say the word and we’ll get things started.”
“Mr. Stark, I’m actually kind of tired; I really want to go to bed. What did you call me here for?”
“Sorry, kid, didn’t know you were in such hurry. Actually, Helen sent me the results a couple hours ago.”
“Oh? How did that go?”
“See for yourself.”

There was a pretty comprehensive list of everything she found out about him and his body. Most of it he already knew; there was the enhanced strength, speed and senses. But there were some things he had never seen before. But he didn’t care about any of it, he only cared about one single number. When he found it, his world stopped, and it seemed like it was ending.

“Oh.”
“That’s right.”
“Is it okay if we go over it tomorrow?”
“Sure thing, kid; I’ll meet you downstairs for breakfast.”
“Goodnight, Mr. Stark.”
“Goodnight, Pete.”

As he got in his bed, and covered his freezing body with the comfy duvet, Peter felt his mind shutting down, and he fell asleep with the number 8,000 running through his mind.

Notes:

Hey guys! I intended to post this earlier but I wanted to make sure the storyline was making sense, and that it would be a good chapter. I really did try to go back and fix previous chapters but apparently I only made it worse; I will do better I promise lmao

Please let me know what you think, and what you'd like to see in the next chapters!

As always, I'm open to polite criticism :) x.

I hope everyone has a nice week!

Chapter 24: I know how much that hurts

Summary:

TW/ eating disorder consequences and bulimia

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

He was dying. The life in his body was leaving him. Or, at least, that’s what it felt like. It had been a long time since any sort of food went into Peter’s body, and it was now billing him for it. In the past, when Peter felt tired because he was hungry, he simply ignored it and continued on with his life. Regardless, this time was different. His body wasn’t responding to what his mind said, and it was making decisions on its own.

Usually, when Peter woke up early, it was because he was going to jog or had something in particular to do that required him to wake up earlier than usual. This time, though, it was different. Peter woke up at 4am with a strong stomachache. He was deadly nauseous and dizzy, and it was indication enough that he needed to have a proper breakfast.

Trying his best not to make much noise, Peter stumbled to get out of his room and take the elevator to get to the kitchen. The voice in his head was screaming at him for being so weak and not being able to take the stairs; but Peter knew that, if he had taken the stairs, he would’ve surely fallen down. Tony would immediately be alerted, and then he’d know what was going on. Peter wanted to avoid that at all costs.

As he got past the archway that led him into the kitchen, Peter felt his muscles desperately complaining; they were about to give up and make him lose any stability in his body. Trying to avoid collapsing, he made his best effort to get to the kitchen island and slowly slid his way down the counter, ending up sitting in the floor.

His arms, too, didn’t want to help him out; but, for the first time since he woke up, they cooperated and he was able to open the fridge to take out orange juice, some grapes, and ham. The numbers were there, that’s for sure. They mocked Peter and his lack of self-control and strength. It was pathetic and humiliating; certainly discouraging in his effort to have Tony not find a dead teenager in his kitchen.

His shaky legs decided to help him stand up, so he ended up leaning on the island, where he laid his face in the counter, finally feeling some relief when the cold surface met his cheek. Peter tried not to think about it, he really did. But he knew that grapes had a lot of carbohydrates, and he knew that the sweetness that came with them repulsed him. But he didn’t expect them to turn against him.

As soon as he bit the first grape, Peter felt his throat declining his intention and immediately puking it. It was frustrating that his body didn’t want to help him; but a dark part of Peter hidden deep inside him was proud that his body knew what he really wanted. The next grape came to his mouth but suffered the same fate, and Peter was starting to get concerned.

Had he really fucked up his body that much that it wouldn’t accept a single grape? Had he gone too far? It had been more than a year since Peter started to struggle with his food, and he thought he knew his body well enough. This proved him wrong and scared the hell out of him.

Without May by his side, the closest thing he had to a lifeline was Tony, and he considered asking FRIDAY to let Tony know that he wasn’t doing okay, and that he felt like dying. His better, or perhaps worse, judgment told him to do the exact opposite. After all, if Tony found out, he would be disappointed and concerned beyond reasoning. It would be disastrous for anyone involved.

Being too immersed in the bowl of grapes and wondering how the hell he was going to eat some of them, Peter couldn’t really pay attention to anything else. His senses were definitely off. Not only the enhanced ones, but in general his body seemed to stop functioning and he didn’t hear Rhodey entering the room.

“What’s going on, kid? What’s wrong?”
“Everything’s peachy, why?”

Peter knew it was a fools’ errand to try and convince anyone that he was fine. He knew how he looked, and, truthfully, he wanted someone to help him. Regardless, it didn’t hurt to try.

“You’re pale as a sheet, Peter. Are you sick or something?”
“I’m just not feel–”

Without his permission, his throat betrayed him against and spit out the grape he had been trying to munch on before Rhodey arrived. It was a humiliating sight, that was for sure; but Peter didn’t have the energy to deal with it.

“Whoa, kid, take it easy; you look like a ghost.”
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.”
“This is serious, Peter; it’s not a joke.”

Peter wasn’t that much aware of what was going on around him, but he felt one of Rhodey’s hands on his shoulder, and the other rubbing his back. He hadn’t really spent much time with him during his stay at the Compound, but Peter was eternally grateful for this.

“I’m okay, really, I’ll just go back to bed and sleep it off.”
“Why did this happen?”
“I think something I ate yesterday messed me up.”
“You’re not leaving until you eat something.”

He wanted to fight him, but Peter was smart and knew he wouldn’t make it to his room if he didn’t eat something. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rhodey pouring a glass of water and taking out a saltine cracker. Peter thought he would bring it over to him; but, instead, the man disappeared and then came back with a wet towel that he put in Peter’s forehead. It felt like heaven.

“Drink the water slowly and take small bites; we don’t want you puking again.”
“Thank you, Rhodey.”
“No problem, kid.”

Each bite felt amazing, and even though it was small, his body appreciated greatly any type of food that went into his stomach. He was far too focused on his food, but then he realized that it was weird that Rhodey was up that early; something was going on, and Peter was obviously holding him back.

“I’m so sorry; I’m sure you have much more important matters to attend to.”
“It’s okay, kid. I have a meeting in New York at 8am, I don’t have that much of a rush.”
“Oh.”
“Besides, Tony would kill me if he knew I left you in this state.”

Rhodey was Tony’s best friend. Everyone in the Compound knew that and acted like such with him. Peter hadn’t really thought about that when he saw the man entering the kitchen. It was pretty obvious that he would tell Tony about what had happened, and it freaked Peter out.

“Please, don’t tell him. I don’t want to bother him, he’s very busy and this wasn’t something major. I’m fine, really.”
“You know, Pete, Tony cares about you more than you realize, and he can help you.”
“Can we please keep this between us?”

Twenty minutes had gone by after Rhodey agreed to keep it a secret. It was a surprise, but Peter welcomed it without question. The saltine crackers were long gone, and he even managed to eat a slice of ham and two grapes. Apparently, his stomach was confused, as he felt nauseous and dizzy, but Peter really did feel ever so slightly better than he did half an hour ago.

“I gotta get going, Peter. You gotta take care of yourself, kid, we all care about you and none of us wants you passing out and harming yourself.”
“Thank you so much, Rhodey, for everything.”
“Take care, kid, and take it easy today, okay?”

____________________

When Peter left his room earlier, he didn’t really know if he would make it back. It was probably just his dramatic self taking over, but that’s how terrible he felt. But now that he was back, Peter realized that his day couldn’t simply go on like any other day.

He was weak. His body was weak. Peter knew this. It was now evident that he couldn’t go jogging; his lungs wouldn’t forgive him, and they would most certainly collapse. Just thinking about it made his chest ache and it only concerned him further.

His bedroom seemed to be his body’s choice of shelter for the day. He could definitely not be walking around like any other day, he was just so very weak, and he knew it would arise suspicion, not only from Tony, but from the entire team. After having eaten something, his brain finally restarting, and one of his first thoughts was that, even though he felt like crap, he couldn’t put that on anyone. It was bad enough that Rhodey knew; no one else needed to know.

Tony had to see that he was eating and that he was okay. As much as he dreaded it, having an actual breakfast with Tony would probably be the best decision. After all, he needed to be convinced that he was actually doing okay. On the other hand, eating some extra calories would definitely do wonders for Peter’s body; but more importantly, his energy levels.

He wanted to go back out as Spider-Man more than anything else. The day before, he spent so much time helping people, and it made him feel ecstatic, forgetting everything that was going on. That’s what Peter needed more than anything; he needed to feel somewhat normal again, instead of feeling his body giving up on him.

That thought made him remember something he hadn’t realized he was blocking from his brain. Helen had delivered his test results, and there was nothing he could do about it. Honestly, he expected it. It was no lie to anyone that Peter’s abilities were much too similar to those of Steve and Bucky; if not more. Vaguely, Peter remembered the gym in the main building and how easy it was for him to lift the maximum capacity.

Thinking about the number that he saw on the report made Peter’s heart go faster, and made his lungs struggle more to get a proper breath. He was very much aware of it, and he wanted to avoid alerting Tony, so he made the conscious effort of calming himself up. It would be beyond embarrassing to see Tony at his door seeing him stressing out over a number.

Tony was definitely the main reason he needed to calm down, that much was clear. But the last time he had experienced this fear, his senses had gone overload and he was in the most pain he had ever been in his life. Peter wasn’t sure if the fact that not eating, and that he hadn’t felt his enhancements would block that out. But he didn’t want to test that out; not now, nor ever.

After collecting his thoughts, Peter knew that the best course of action would be to act as if the enormous number of calories didn’t faze him. If Tony saw that he was concerned and panicking, he would definitely suspect him and, once again, be acutely wary of Peter’s actions. That was simply not a possibility.

All these concerns exhausted him far beyond what his body was already enduring. His brain was going way faster than his body could cope, so it decided to give up and get into a much-needed slumber.

____________________

“Hey kid, wake up; it’s 10am and no one here will be having breakfast after 10:30. C’mon, let’s go, up we go, otherwise you’ll have to wait for lunch.”

Under different circumstances, chances are Peter would’ve had a harder time getting out of bed after being woken up. Very few people knew this, but Peter liked staying in bed after he woke up. No one would believe him, but it was just the way it was. This time, though, he got up immediately.

For one, there would always be the Tony factor, he had to put up an act in front of him so that he wouldn’t get suspicious. But, on the other hand, his body was still weak, and he could feel it creeping in, begging for more than a saltine cracker.

“Good morning, Mr. Stark.”
“How’d you sleep, Pete?”
“Not bad, and you?”
“Pretty good, actually. You don’t sound very excited about the test results.”

As he got out of bed, they both started making their way to the kitchen going down the stairs. Peter was really trying to keep up with the conversation, trying to make it seem like nothing was wrong. But he was really out of it and very focused on keep his legs under his command and not fall.

“It’s pretty impressive stuff.”
“Really?”
“I wasn’t expecting such a thorough report; this just adds one more to the favors I owe Helen.”
“Yeah.”
“Still, there are some things I would like to test here, if you’re cool with it.”
“Sure.”
“You okay there, kid?”
“Uhm, yeah, why the question?”
“You’re not being very verbal right now.”
“Oh, I think I’m just still groggy after being abruptly broken up.”
“I’m sorry, your majesty, it was getting late.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s okay kid. C’mon let’s sit down.”

In the kitchen island laid a variety of foods ranging from eggs to yogurt and waffles. His stomach was demanding him to eat it; to eat all of it. And Peter couldn’t lie to himself, he was ravenous, and he did want to eat all of it.

“Bruce had an early breakfast, but he saved us some of it.”
“That’s good.”
“Go to town, kid; choose whatever you want.”

Waffles sounded great. Scrambled eggs sounded great. Orange juice sounded great. Everything in the kitchen island made Peter’s mouth water, and he was seriously trying not to put all of it in his mouth at once. Internally, though, he was freaking out.

Numbers continuously lingered in his head, and it was hard to ignore the voice. Reality was, he needed to eat something. If he didn’t, Tony would definitely notice the lack of food in his plate; but passing out would probably be a strong indicator that he was not eating enough.

With that in mind, Peter tried to ignore how guilty he was feeling, and he served himself a regular portion of scrambled eggs, a couple strawberries, and a quarter of a waffle. It was a normal breakfast, right?

“So, the report?”
“Turns out, Pete, you’re a lot stronger than we initially thought.”
“Oh.”
“The DNA report didn’t exactly give proper numbers of how much weight you can carry or stuff like that, but it did mention the abilities that came with the enhancement.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s pretty similar to Steve’s results; dare I say, even more impressive.”
“How come?”
“Well, Peter, apparently you’re more a spider than you are a man.”
“Huh?”
“Weird, right?”
“I guess so, yeah.”
“Anyway, point of the matter is that you’ve been showing those enhancements for a while now; Helen just showed us exactly what that is.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, we already know you’re super strong, or whatever. But also, that you’re apparently much more durable than the regular fellow.”
“I don’t think that’s right, Mr. Stark, I’m kinda normal.”
“Kid, you managed to fight both Steve and Barnes without much of a struggle; and let’s not forget how many times you’ve clashed with brick walls and not broken anything.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Damn right I am.”
“What else?”

Being completely honest, Peter cared very little about this. After all, those were things he already knew, but didn’t really know. It was just the new normal in his life, but this confirmed it. It was definitely freaky how his DNA appeared to be similar to a spider’s; but maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

“We know by now you have an enhanced metabolism. Helen linked that to that superhuman stamina and reflexes. It comes without saying that that gives you a hell lot more speed and that magical regenerative healing.”
“It’s very handy, actually.”
“If you were more careful, you wouldn’t need it so much, don’t you think?”
“Probably, yeah.”
“Helen said these are preliminary; there’s a lot more to discuss.”
“What do you mean?”
“It would be fantastic if you would make some time in your busy agenda to test some things out.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, maybe reflexes and strength? I personally would love to see you kick Sam’s ass front row.”
“Sounds fun, actually.”

It was really a nice idea. Peter had always wondered what his body could actually withstand, and, if there was a place where he could do that safely, it surely was in the Compound under Tony’s supervision. It sounded pretty stupid, but Peter knew better than to deny that the man was very helpful.

“How come you never learn?”
“Huh?”
“You’re doing it again. What’s on your mind?”
“Well, you know, uhm, this is pretty great stuff, Mr. Stark, it really is. But, uhm –”
“You’re worried about the number, right?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.”
“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Pete. You know that, right?”
“It’s just overwhelming.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Are we really gonna talk about this?”
“Humor me.”
“It was shocking. I really am better, and I want to be the best Spider-Man I can, even if it means eating that much.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“I don’t think I can eat 8,000 calories; I just don’t know how to.”
“I mean, you don’t have to eat that much right away.”
“I don’t?”
“Of course not, that’d be crazy. We can take it day by day. Building up to it.”
“Yeah, maybe.”

Peter was grateful for Tony, especially now. He was being so understanding and like he really tried to understand what Peter was going through. He had always known Tony wasn’t really the cold, angry man that people said he was, but this was something else, and Peter appreciated it.

Regardless, with that gratefulness came guilt. Tony was being so sincere, and Peter straight up lied to his face. He didn’t like doing that at all, and it was eating him from the inside out to know he was disappointing the man that had made him the Spider-Man he now was.

“Mr. Stark, would it be okay if I stay in my room for the day?”
“Sure, kid, no problem.”
“Thank you.”
“What’s wrong, though? Anything in particular?”
“I’m just tired and worn out.”
“How’s that, Pete? Did anything happen yesterday?”
“I’m really okay, Mr. Stark; I think it was the pizza we had for lunch, it probably messed with my stomach.”
“Huh. Well, you need to eat something, especially now that we know how much you need. Meet us for lunch?”
“Sure thing.”

After that they continued talking for a while longer. It was just like any other morning, and it was nice. Tony told him that he was working with Bruce on the cradle. They were, apparently, trying to upgrade it so it could deal with everyone’s physiological composition. Now that they had Peter’s results, Tony said he should join them later to work on it, too. It was just what Peter needed.

____________________

Technically, he didn’t lie to Tony. Peter really was exhausted, and he wanted nothing more than to get into his bed and sleep for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a possibility. Now that he knew how many calories, he was supposed to eat, he had to prepare himself.

It seemed to Peter that Tony was finally trusting him, but he had to prepare himself to hold up that trust by making him believe he was actually eating. That day had proven him that he couldn’t really fast for such a long time. It was draining and everyone would certainly catch up with what he was doing.

So, the rest of the morning was spent looking up calories and meals; trying to figure out a plan to keep up his diet without alerting anyone that he wasn’t eating enough. It was frustrating, really. Having so many eyes on him would make it so much more harder to try and hide this from everyone.

“Hey, FRIDAY?”
“Yes, Peter?”
“Could you please ask Steve if he can meet me in the tracks?”

Since Tony recruited Peter to fight alongside him against the rogues, Peter had developed some sort of animosity against them, but specially Steve. It wasn’t something big or anything, but he wondered how he could turn so easily on Tony. Peter had grown very close to Tony, and he didn’t understand how he forgave them so easily, after all he had done for all of them.

But the truth remained: if anyone knew what it meant to be an enhanced metabolism, that was Steve. If Peter talked to him, he would at least have some insight to what really happened and how he could keep up with everything that was going on.

“Peter, Mr. Rogers said he’ll meet you out on the tracks in 20 minutes.”
“Thank you, FRIDAY.”
“My pleasure.”

Peter planned to keep himself busy for the next 20 minutes, probably prepare for what he would say to Steve without giving too much away. After all, he didn’t know how him knowing would affect his life in the Compound. But his plans were cut short when he heard someone entering the room.

He expected Bruce, or even Tony himself. Rhodey wasn’t there, so it wasn’t a possibility. They were the ones who lived in the left building. It was Peter’s understanding that they were the only ones who could get into the private rooms in the building, so it was certainly startling to see Natasha at his door.

“What are you doing here?”
“Cmon, Pete, don’t be so wary. Tony allowed access a while ago.”
“Oh.”

After that, Peter went red with embarrassment. It was so rude what he said to her, and he couldn’t believe he had spoken to Natasha that way. She had been nothing but kind to him, and she didn’t deserve that from him.

Peter also remembered the first day at the Compound when Sam showed him around the left building. He had gotten into the private part of the building without asking FRIDAY, so it was only logical that Natasha, too, could do it.

“I’m so sorry, that was rude of me. I didn’t intend to sound so insensitive.”
“I’m worried about you, kid.”
“Why’s that?”
“You seemed very out of it and almost like a ghost yesterday night.”
“I wasn’t, though.”
“You can’t lie to me. You know that, right?”
“I’m serious, I’m okay. I always return kinda tired from patrol.”
“That’s not it, Peter. Something else is going on.”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know. Who better to ask than you?”
“I’m fine, really.”
“I don’t buy it. You need to be careful.”
“I will.”

Peter was getting tired of the conversation. He had always thought she was amazing, and he really appreciated how she noticed that he didn’t look very good. But it was also frustrating to hide everything all the time; and them being pushy was just something Peter was getting really tired of.

“When are you going out again?”
“I’m honestly not sure, but probably sometime soon. Why?”
“You haven’t had the most graceful entrances to the Compound as Spider-Man.”
“Yeah, I need to do better.”
“If you’re up for it, I can teach you a thing or two about stealth.”
“That would be amazing! Thank you so much.”
“How about tomorrow night? Does that sound good?”
“Yes! Sounds amazing!”
“See you later, then; I gotta meet Sam and Bucky for tactical training. You’re welcome to join.”
“Maybe another time, but thanks anyway.”

____________________

It had been a while since he was last in the tracks. He was usually there to jog with Sam, and it used to be some sort of sacred routine he had developed when he arrived at the Compound. But now, seeing Steve waiting for him, it turned into something weird Peter couldn’t quite describe.

“How are you doing, kid?”
“I’m good, you?”
“Everything’s going great.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“What’s going on? What can I help you with?”
“Oh, nothing’s wrong. I kinda wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Fire away.”

This was probably the last chance he had to back out and decide someplace else he could figure out his answers. It scared Peter that whatever he told Steve would make things worse; whatever things he was thinking about. But he couldn’t come up with something, so he was the only opportunity he currently had to solve his doubts.

“I just wanted to talk to you about your enhancements.”
“What questions do you have?”
“Well, it’s mostly about your metabolism and, uhm, how you handle your diet.”
“Cmon, son, let’s walk.”

They started walking around the tracks and Peter was alarmed with the first step he took. He was not feeling good enough to stay on his feet, much less walk several rounds in the tracks. But he wanted answers, and he was trying his best to get his body to cooperate.

“When I first got injected with the serum, Erskine told me that everything would be expanded, my metabolism included. I didn’t have a clue what that meant, but everything I could do was worth it, right?”
“Yeah, right.”
“I felt it immediately, my body asking for more. I had to listen, otherwise I wouldn’t live up to what Erskine saw in me.”
“How did you handle it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, changing your diet so drastically.”
“It didn’t happen overnight, that much is right. You gotta listen to your body, kid, it’ll tell you exactly what you need to know.”
“Did you ever regret it? Signing up for it?”
“Sometimes I wonder how my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t gotten the serum. See, Peter, the choices we make, and what comes with them, makes us who we are, and there’s nothing much we can do other than embrace it and do our best.”

To Peter’s surprise, the conversation was running smoothly, and he was genuinely enjoying talking to Steve. It gave him a small hint of reassurance to know that the Captain America didn’t have everything sorted out since the beginning. Talking to him was comforting and Peter was grateful he decided to talk to him.

His body, though; it resented him for not going right back to his room and get into his bed for the rest of the day. His legs were wobbling, and his lungs were having a very hard time getting air into his body. It was so very strange to Peter that his body wasn’t exactly responded to what Peter had gotten into it. Before, even the smallest bite made a huge difference. Now, though, he felt pretty similarly as he did when he met Rhodey in the morning.

“Everything okay there, kid?”
“Oh no, I’m fine.”
“You sure? Do you need to stop?”
“Maybe; yeah, probably.”

It was embarrassing beyond words to need to stop walking after having spoken about Steve’s enhancements. Truly humiliating and Peter couldn’t help but beat himself up for being so weak and not being able to keep up. Thankfully, Steve didn’t ask any questions, instead sitting in the bench and hinting at Peter to seat there, too.

“Why the interest?”
“Uhm, yeah, about that.”
“What’s going on?”
“We got the results from Helen last night.”
“Yeah, that’s always a surprise.”
“It really freaked m– wait, what?”
“When I got out of the ice I was surely freaked out, too.”
“Really?”
“It’s not easy to receive that information all at once; I really do understand.”
“You seem to handle it okay.”
“I’m a lot of decades older than you, Pete; it takes time.”
“Were you ever worried it would change you?”
“It had already changed me, Peter. I am a very different man than I was before the war. It’s just who I became, and I gotta live with that.”

20 minutes went by after that, all spent talking about Steve’s experience. It was reassuring and it gave Peter some sense of control over what was happening to his body. It was also pretty unexpected how quickly he got comfortable talking to Steve. Maybe, in the future, he could help him come to terms with how much he had to eat; and lunch seemed to be the first step.

____________________

There was an unfamiliar smell in the main kitchen, and it was probably something Peter hadn’t even thought of. But when he saw Wanda washing her hands, Peter assumed it was probably some traditional dish from Sokovia. He really wanted to eat it, but his stomach really didn’t agree, and nausea started building up in his throat.

Peter felt how the blood was leaving his face, and paleness took over. It was really hard for Peter not to gag, and he desperately hoped no one noticed. But his Parker luck played a trick on him when he realized Tony taking him apart from the group.

“What’s going on, kid? Everything okay? Looks like a ghost took over you.”
“I don’t feel good, I don’t know what’s happening.”
“Do you want me to try Strange? Maybe he could bring up some medical knowledge and spare a minute from his reality responsibility or whatever.”
“Oh, god, no, I don’t want to burden him.”
“It’s no problem, seriously.”
“I’m fine, Mr. Stark, it’s not that serious, I’m probably overreacting.”
“Really doubt that.”
“Can I just skip lunch?”
“Absolutely not, you need to eat.”
“But, Mr. Stark –”
“How about this: I’ll have something delivered to your room. Can you agree to that?”
“I guess, yeah.”
“What do you want?”
“Is it okay if it’s just soup? I don’t think I can stomach anything else.”
“Sure, kid, I’ll let you know.”

When Tony told everyone that Peter wouldn’t be staying for lunch, everyone started jokingly complaining and saying he was a party pooper. Peter tried not to take those words to heart, but it was hard. Everyone but Natasha and Steve were commenting on it. They exchanged a knowing look and it made Peter want to run as fast as he could to hide in his room.

After excusing himself saying he felt sick, Peter felt like he could breathe a little easier. Knowing that Tony was keeping an eye on him was both comforting and scary. But, for now, Peter chose to focus on how grateful he felt for having someone to care.

Before he noticed, his senses be damned, he felt Wanda grabbing his shoulder. Peter really didn’t want to deal with anyone else, and he wanted to avoid every conversation. It was incredibly annoying how he seemed to run into everyone and have them ask questions he didn’t want to answer.

“Is everything okay, Peter?”
“Seems to be the question of the hour, apparently.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine, really. I’m so sorry I left, I think I’m coming up with a stomach flu and don’t think I can eat that much.”
“That seems rather odd.”
“Well, it’s the truth.”
“I’m sure it’s not.”
“Please just leave it at that, everything’s fine, I promise.”
“Something else is wrong.”

Suddenly, Peter saw a red hue emanating from Wanda’s hands and he felt a chill running up his spine. He knew some bits and pieces of what had happened with Wanda during battle of Sokovia, but he had never felt threatened by her powers. Now he was afraid of her, and it felt horrible.

For once in a while, his body finally listened to his mind, and he ran to crawl up the right side of the left building. It was the only way he could think of to escape her, as terrible as that sounded. But specially that day, Peter didn’t have the strength to deal with it.

“FRIDAY, please lock the building.”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

____________________

His room had become his safe haven, and he desperately needed that. Peter couldn’t believe Wanda tried to use her powers on him against his will. It was something beyond anything Peter had imagined from her. They had gotten along fairly good for a while, but that was something that severely set things back. He would never think of using his own abilities against her, so it hurt that she did try.

As much as it hurt, Peter felt anger boiling in his blood. How could she even think of doing that? Her place in the Compound was a favor from Tony, and they were threading on thin ice. It was absolutely ridiculous that she wasn’t careful enough. His body felt the weight of the adrenaline and his emotions, and suddenly Peter felt exhaustion over his entire body.

With a deep sigh, Peter fell to his bed, trying hard to ignore every pain in his body. His legs took the biggest hit, and he was praying that whatever he had eaten for breakfast would help his supposedly enhanced healing get his legs to walk when Tony came to check up on him. Still feeling very dizzy and overall sick, Peter managed to fall into a much-needed sleep.

Two hours went by, and Peter was awoken by Tony entering his room. The last time that had happened it was earlier when Natasha came into his room; so, seeing Tony was definitely a relief. Apparently, he was the only one he currently tolerated. He brought a tray with him that held a bowl of soup and bread, so Peter assumed he actually had to eat; much against what he had hoped.

“Eat up; all of it.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark.”
“You’re looking very pale, Peter. Not a great sight. Are you sure you don’t want someone to come in to check up on you?”
“I’m fine, Mr. Stark, I promise. I’m sure this will make me feel better in no time.”
“It better; we’re playing charades and ordering Thai for dinner. Steve says it’ll be fun, but I disagree; it’ll be embarrassing at best.”
“It sounds fun, Mr. Stark.”
“Yeah, sure.”

The soup did wonders for his body, and he felt instantly better, or, at least, not as horribly as he had been feeling during the day. Under different circumstances, Peter would’ve been very excited to spend the night eating what used to be his comfort food and watch the Avengers embarrass themselves, but it sounded horrible in his ears. He didn’t want to face Wanda, and he definitely didn’t want to put the energy into making Natasha and Steve believe he was doing fine.

“We’ll be at Bruce’s lab the rest of the afternoon. I hope you’ll join us soon.”
“Sure thing, Mr. Stark, I’ll be there.”
“See you, kid.”

And, with that, the man took the now empty tray from him, and left Peter in his room wondering how he was going to manage keeping up with what his body needed and what Tony expected from him.

____________________

Being back in Bruce’s lab was surprisingly comforting. There were so many things that perked Peter’s interest, and he had always been too shy to ask Bruce to join him while he was working there. But now that he had been invited, Peter was having a blast.

When he arrived, he saw Tony and Bruce working on the cradle, having his test results very publicly portrayed in a holotable. Peter knew that Tony was going to share them with Bruce so they could work on the cradle to his benefit, but it still made Peter feel slightly uncomfortable.

“This is impressive, Tony. We could adjust the molecular regeneration for it to keep up with Peter’s physiological composition.”
“We should also work on making it wider; that thing looks like a high-tech coffin.”
“That could make room for a faster processor; it’ll make the process much easier.”
“We gotta ring up Helen; have her input.”
“Good idea.”

It was truly fascinating to see both his idols work together. The whole regeneration cradle was mesmerizing. The theory of it alone was impressive but seeing cells binding with each other and creating matter was absolutely mind-blowing, and Peter felt grateful that he got to see it.

Additionally, the fact that he felt much better made it much easier for him to focus on what they were doing, instead of how his head felt like it was going to blow off. He was still not feeling his best, very far from it, actually; but this was a start, and he liked laying back and just watching it happen.

“I have to go pick up some equipment for the lab, I’ll be right back.”
“Let me know if you need help, Bruce.”
“Will do.”
“Hey, kid, enjoying the view?”
“Yes, actually. This is amazing, Mr. Stark.”
“How are you feeling? You definitely look better.”
“And I feel better, I swear.”
“That’s great, Pete, I’m glad eating did you some good.”

A brief silence filled the room and Peter was trying to pick his words carefully. There was something he wanted to know, but his mouth had a very faulty filter that day, and he didn’t want to risk being rude to Tony. To anyone else he managed, even if he hated it; but he couldn’t do that to Tony.

“Mr. Stark? Have you told anyone about, uhm, my issues?”
“Just Pepper. Where does this question come from?”
“Uhm, so, something happened with Wanda before I went to my room.”
“Do tell.”
“She tried using her powers on me; I saw the red hue and just ran to my room. Nothing happened, but I think she might suspect something?”
“I’m sorry, what did she do?”
“I don’t really know how to feel about it, Mr. Stark. And this isn’t like, to tell on her, but it made me uncomfortable.”
“She had absolutely no right, it’s unacceptable – what do you want me to do kid?”

Peter stayed silent; he didn’t really know what to say. If he said the wrong thing, it could start a whole new problem with the rogues, and everything they had been trying to do would be in vain. But it did affect him, and he was trying really hard to not lie to Tony if it wasn’t something regarding his eating.

“I don’t know, Mr. Stark, I’m not really comfortable with her trying to get in my brain.”
“And you shouldn’t, that girl can really mess you up. This happens again and you come straight to me.”
“I don’t want to create more problems, I can just ignore it, seriously.”
“This is important kid; I hope you know it.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to make the wrong move and mess up everything.”
“I’ll bring it up tomorrow in the meeting.”
“I thought you had those meetings on Thursday?”
“We moved them to Friday due to some logistic issues, nothing to worry about.”
“Oh.”
“Hear me out, kid: this will not happen again, okay? Not under my watch.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

____________________

By the time dinner came, Peter felt much better. His body seemed to finally process the food he had eaten, and Peter was grateful for it. He still wanted to go out on patrol, but he knew it was probably not the greatest decision; he just had to figure it out before he went out again. Hopefully, that would be soon; otherwise he’d probably go crazy.

There was a ginormous amount of Thai food laid in the kitchen island in the main building. It was overwhelming, to say the least. For one, he didn’t think he was ready to accept that he needed to eat a bunch more. After all, he hadn’t given up his intent to become the best Spider-Man he could; and it was hard for him to find a way to get the two to agree.

On the other hand, though, was a wave of nostalgia that came over him. It was his and May’s thing, and nothing brought him more comfort. His days had been filled with so many secrets and emotions that he hadn’t had the time to dwell on the fact that he probably wouldn’t see her in a long while. Maybe, just maybe, going with Tony to Sweden to visit her wasn’t a terrible idea.

Without having to use his senses, Peter felt Tony’s eyes on him, and he knew he was getting suspicious. He had eaten very little during the day, and the stunt his body pulled probably blared an alarm in Tony’s brain. It came as no surprise, but Peter didn’t know what to do with it.

After careful but quick consideration, Peter decided to eat a regular portion of Thai food. During dinner, there were many exchanged looks; some with anger, some with concerned, and some with wit. Peter wasn’t really paying attention to that, instead trying to figure out his options, but the solution was pretty clear.

Surprisingly, Peter was the first to finish his meal. Everyone looked at him curiously, but Peter knew they had no idea what was really going on. Hoping not to arise much suspicion, Peter excused himself and went to the bathroom on the third floor. Thankfully, he didn’t hear anyone following him or calling out to him; that was a win.

Kneeling in front of the toilet was something he knew by now, but this time was different. He decided this would be his new strategy, but he had to make sure no one would find out this time, otherwise the plan was completely futile.

“Hey, FRIDAY, could you please not tell Tony?”
“Sure thing, Peter. I’m compelled to remind you that I’m now programmed to report any restrictive behaviors.”
“Does this count as one of those?”
“No, Peter, it’s not yet in my database.”
“Let’s keep it that way, could you?”

Sticking his fingers down his throat and having the aftertaste of Thai food felt like a weird success. It was exhilarating, and, ironically, he felt alive again. This was it. Here goes nothing.

Notes:

Hey guys! I can't believe I'm posting this so soon! Really excited about it; the chapter flowed so easily and I really like it. Please let me know what you think! I love reading your opinions and thoughts.

Would you guys want to see a chapter with Tony and Peter in Sweden? I don't really know how that would go, but please let me know if it's something you'd be interested in!

As always, I'm open to polite criticism :)

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

Chapter 25: and if you need a friend

Summary:

TW/ Bulimia thoughts and actions

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

When he opened his eyes, Peter felt the huge difference with how his previous morning had started. There was still something that was off in his body, but definitely not as much as the day before. Now he didn’t feel like he could drop dead any second; now it was a slightly constant headache that settled in the back of his brain.

He was not feeling his best, but it was time; he couldn’t keep making excuses for himself and ignore his true purpose. There was this newfound motivation within him that allowed him to get out of bed and change into sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He was definitely nervous about how his plan would turn out, but he was also excited about the chance that this would be the way he could do his best without hurting the people he cared about.

A dilemma still hadn’t left his body: whether to eat and purge, or to simply eat as little as possible. For one, he knew that if he ate whatever and purged, he had to adjust to wherever he was and find a way to do it unsuspiciously, and that was definitely not easy. But eating little would blare an alarm, and Tony would definitely get suspicious.

Ultimately, Peter knew that he couldn’t well fast anymore. The day before he truly felt like death had come for him, and it was definitely one of the scariest experiences of his life. He wanted to have energy, and to direct that energy to help people. If he fasted, that wouldn’t be possible. So, Peter decided he would eat as little as possible when he was alone, and sufficiently enough in front of everyone, and try his best to purge without being noticed.

At 6am Peter was already out of the building and walking around the lake. Tony made it clear that he was keeping an eye on him after what his body had pulled, so jogging was unwise. Tony would know, and it would be disastrous. Truth be told, Peter wasn’t yet feeling fit for jogging, and he didn’t want to pass out and have someone find him.

It was a beautiful day, and Peter really appreciated being there by himself. Regardless, a figure he had wanted to avoid appeared behind the main building, and he had no way of escaping it. He didn’t even want to look at Wanda. What she had done not only offended him, but it also frightened him. She held way too much power, and Peter didn’t feel safe around her.

“Hey, Peter, can we talk?”

Trying his best to ignore her, Peter simply continued his way, walking at the same pace and trying not to turn to look at her. Betrayal and hurt were but some words Peter could use to describe how he truly felt. They had share very nice moments in that place, and it pained him that he didn’t feel like he could trust her.

“Come on, Pete, let’s talk about it.”

Almost three feet away from her, Peter hoped that it was done with; that she would let it go. On the contrary, what Peter felt was a pull on his hand and, when he looked down, he saw the red hue around his wrist.

“What is wrong with you?”
“We need to talk about this, Peter.”
“No, you know what – this is why you’re in this mess.”

Peter tried to control his rage. Even if he wasn’t 100%, he still had a lot of strength, and he didn’t want anyone waking up to a face-off between Wanda and Spider-Man. It would be too much, and Peter didn’t want to put his place in the Compound at peril.

The last thing he saw was Wanda’s distraught and confused look, but it was satisfying to Peter. What she did was wrong, and Peter felt like she could, at least, feel bad about it. To avoid thinking about it, Peter started running towards the tracks. He hadn’t been there in a while, and he hoped maybe it could provide some sense of privacy.

But luck was never on his side, and he found Sam jogging around the tracks. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise; Peter knew the man always did this, but with rage flowing through his veins, Peter ignored everything his mind knew.

“Hey kid; long time, no see. How’s it going?”
“Hello.”
“Everything okay there, Pete?”

Peter did not want to be there. Sam was on Steve’s team, which meant he was loyal to him and to his team, which included Wanda. He didn’t want anything to do with her or any of them, for that matter. Having Wanda use her powers on him awoke something in Peter he hadn’t thought of.

The Accords were something Peter tried to ignore, thinking it didn’t really concern him. But now he could see why Tony was doing what he was doing, and his anger couldn’t help but make him think that they didn’t deserve an ounce of the kindness that Tony was offering them.

Maybe Sam kept insisting him; Peter heard his name a couple times, but he wasn’t sure. As soon as Sam started asking him again if he was okay and what had happened, Peter simply rolled his eyes and started jogging to the garage, frustrated about the whole situation and unsure what to do about it.

The only ones who went to the garage were Tony and Happy. No one else had any business being there, so it felt safe. Peter needed to have a place to think things through; maybe sit down to nurse the growing headache and lightheadedness he was feeling.

Ever since May had told him that he would be staying with Tony while she was in Sweden, Peter thought having the chance to live his daily life with the Avengers was something otherworldly, and he felt grateful for the chance. Now, though, he couldn’t understand how he hadn’t seen before how unruly they were, which made them dangerous. If they weren’t accountable for their actions, what hope could they have as heros?

“Hey, kid, are you okay?”
“Hey, Happy, how are you?”
“Asked you first. What’s going on?”

Peter had grown close to Happy, even if the man didn’t like him after what had happened in Germany. He really trusted him, and he knew that he wouldn’t tell his secrets; only wanting the best for him. It was relieving, really; having someone else to look out for him in a place where he was having a hard time feeling safe.

“I assume you’re aware of what happened with the Rogues?”
“Thoroughly. Why? What’s up?”
“Well…”

Even if he trusted Happy, Peter still felt uncomfortable talking about what had happened. He knew things would change if Tony did something about it, and probably not for the better. It scared him to think that it would be his fault that the new Accords collapsed, but he didn’t know what else to do.

There were little times where he felt as scared as he did. Even when he fought her in Germany, he wasn’t as scared as now. Having grown somewhat close to her meant he was letting down his guard around her, and now, the fact that she could use her powers against him, made it so much harder for him to accept what happened.

“You really should tell Tony about this, Peter.”
“I just don’t want to bother him, you know? There are so many things he has to deal with, and I just –”
“FRIDAY, could you please call Tony to the garage?”
“Really?”
“You should feel safe here, kid; and Tony will help make sure of that.”
“It’s really not necessary.”
“Boss is on his way.”
“Peter, Tony cares for you, and you need to trust that he will look out for you if you need to.”

It was hard for Peter to hear that Tony cared for him. It seemed delusional that someone so incredible would have him as part of the people he cared about. Apparently, Tony wasn’t as far away as Peter initially thought, as, minutes later, the man was entering the room.

“Hey, Hap; Good morning, kid. What’s going on here, huh? Having a little party without me?”
“Hi, Mr. Stark.”
“How you feeling, Pete? All better?”
“Yes, thank you.”

Peter knew in his heart that he couldn’t lie to him, and he couldn’t conceal the truth, nor did he want to. But it was definitely something scary to talk about. Happy was very intensely looking at him like he was trying to force the words out of his mouth to tell Tony what happened, and Peter appreciated it. But it was overwhelming.

“Mr. Stark? Would it be okay if we could have breakfast in the city? It’s okay totally if you can’t; I know you’re very busy and probably have much more important things to do, but I thought it was a nice day and maybe going out is nice? It’s definitely fine if you –”
“Even my lungs are exhausted; damn, kid.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s not a problem, Pete. I don’t have anything else to do until 10am.”
“What’s at 10am?”
“You forgot already? The Accords meeting.”
“Oh.”

Even if Peter was now doubting the whole Accords deal, Tony had gotten out of his way to get the Rogues a deal that would work for all parties involved. It seemed rude to take Tony away from that just to tell him that his feelings were hurt, and he couldn’t deal with it himself.

“That’s no issue, kid. They won’t start without me; let’s go.”

____________________

It was weird enough being in a garage that resembled more an Audi concessionaire than anything else, and it was definitely weird getting into a very flashy orange R8; but entering a fancy restaurant with Tony toped it all. La Fayette was a place he had heard about. It was very elegant, and it was a place that posh people frequented.

Thankfully, before they left, they both went to change into something less pajama-looking, both going for jeans and casual jumpers. But now that they were at the restaurant, Peter felt severely underdressed, and like they would kick them out for it. Obviously, they wouldn’t; it was Tony Stark entering the restaurant, and no one would dare kick him out.

“This is too much, Mr. Stark, we can go somewhere else.”
“Nonsense, kid. The food is quite nice, and you need to get out of the Compound more often.”
“Yeah, probably.”

Scanning the menu had Peter freaking out a little. Everything seemed delicious, it really did. And he was actually having a very nice day with Tony, it felt great. But he was wondering what he was going to do to get everything out of his system. The place was way too fancy for him to purge, so that wasn’t an option. This one seemed to be one that he would have to, literally, swallow.

After ordering granola, yogurt and berries for himself, Tony asked for an egg sandwich with bacon and gruyere cheese. It all felt so natural, and like it wasn’t weird for a kid from Queens to be having a fancy breakfast with Iron Man. They were talking about the new facilities that were planned for the near future, and about what Peter’s next academic year would be like. Tony kept insisting him to start thinking about college, but Peter was having a hard time making it through the summer; thinking about two years down the line was very daunting.

“So, kid, what’s really going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you didn’t bring me here to have small talk and enjoy the city; what’s happening?”
“Uhm, well, it’s really nothing, why do you think something’s up?”
“You seem, well… off. Don’t take any offense kid, but you have never asked me to join you for any meal outside the Compound.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude; it’s just that you’re always busy and you –”
“That’s not the point, kid. What’s going on? The truth this time.”

It was right then and there that Peter knew he had no way out. He had to tell Tony the whole truth, especially considering that he had told him what had happened the day before. It was scary, but he knew for sure that Tony would know what to do.

“Uhm, well, so, it happened again?”
What happened again?”
“Nothing like that, I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, that’s not what I meant.”
“Then out with it, what happened?”
“I was out this morning, you know, walking and thinking in the lake and I saw Wanda behind the main building; and I wanted to ignore her, right? I really did, I was still freaked out about yesterday, and I didn’t want to talk to her, so I tried to go on with my walk and avoid the whole thing, but then she pulled my wrist with her red hue thing? It was really freaky, and I didn’t know what to do, so I thought I could run, and I ended up in the garage. It kinda scared me? I didn’t feel safe so, yeah.”

His ramble left him out of breath, but he hoped it was clear enough for Tony to understand what had happened. Truthfully, one of the main reasons he was scared of her was that she could get inside his head and find out what he was doing. She wouldn’t keep that to herself, for sure, and it would be bad for him.

“I don’t want to create more problems, really, I can manage, but you told me to tell you if anything happened, and I didn’t want to lie to you, so here we are, and I’m sorry, I really am.”

After setting in his frown, and clenching his fists, Tony didn’t move a muscle. Usually, when Tony got mad at Peter, he would get very hyper-verbal, and wouldn’t stop until he knew that Peter had listened. This time though, the man stayed perfectly still, and it freaked him out.

“Mr. Stark?”

Like magic, his expression turned from a manic angry one to into a relaxed one in the span of a second. It was great for Peter; he wouldn’t have to deal with Tony’s reaction for now, but it was still scary because he knew Tony would not let it go.

“You know what, kid? I don’t know about you, but I’m not going back there. What do you want to do today?”
“I really don’t want to mess with the Accords, Mr. Stark. They need you there and I don’t want to be the one standing in-between.”
“Fuck the Accords; they’re not doing their part; I sure as well won’t do mine.”

Hearing those words made Peter feel a very guilt-ridden relief. Knowing that Tony was willing to cancel the meeting to spend the day with him made Peter feel cared for, and like he could really count on Tony to support him. Still, it was scary that he could be the reason the Accords would fall apart.

“So, what do you wanna do?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Stark, what do you want to do?”
“Huh; haven’t really thought about that. I tinker, Pete; but we should do something different.”
“What would you want to do if you weren’t Iron Man, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“You’re a kid, you’re not old enough to know.”

Even if Peter never liked to be reminded that he was legally a child, at that moment Peter felt at peace and like his worries faded away. It was just a casual conversation with who Peter considered his mentor, and it was something Peter never wanted to let go off; that happiness that came with such mundane things.

“We don’t have all day kid, you better choose.”
“How about Coney Island?”
“Why there, specifically?”
“Well, it can be nice; there are a lot of memories I have made there, and I guess I thought maybe you’d enjoy it, too? It’s okay if you don’t want to, we can go somewhere else.”
“To Coney Island it is.”

____________________

It was 10:30am when the strong smell of cotton candy hit Peter’s nose without even getting out of the car. They had gotten there relatively fast, considering New York’s hectic traffic, and he could see that it would be a good morning, after all. Tony had been receiving countless calls from both Steve and Rhodey, and Peter knew exactly what that entailed.

“You should answer, Mr. Stark.”

It made Peter feel terrible to know Tony wasn’t there because of him. The whole Accords situation had really torn the team apart, and Peter knew that Tony was giving his everything to get them back to whatever normalcy they could get. That was the exact reason Peter thought that having Tony get away from the Compound was a good thing.

It wasn’t just the Accords; it was his whole life. The man was always busy, and always had something to care for. To start with was Stark Industries. Pepper was in charge of everything, but it was still Tony’s name on the wall, and he couldn’t abandon everything. On top of that was the fact that he was sticking his own neck out to try and help the Rogues. It was something he didn’t have to do, but still did. Furthermore, was Pepper. Peter knew she was everything to him, and he knew Tony tried his best to always make time for her. And now Tony also had to take care of a teenager.

The man had way too much on his plate, and maybe it was a good thing for him to take a break from it. Maybe Coney Island was good for both of them. Thankfully, Tony did answer, but he put it on speaker, which was ridiculously uncomfortable to Peter.

“What’s up, sourpatch?”
“What the hell, Tony? Where are you? We’ve been waiting for you for over half an hour.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening today; I’m out with the kid in Coney Island.”
“I’m sorry, what did you say you were doing?”
“We’ll chat later, Rhodey; have fun dealing with that mess.”
“Tony, don’t you da–”

Tony hung up before Rhodey could finish protesting, and it was something amusing to Peter. They were friends, but it was still weird that he would hang up on a Colonel.

“So, kid, what do you want to do first?”
“Would you be up to going to the Luna Park?”
“That’s a bit childish, don’t you think?”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Yeah, absolutely not; we’re not going there.”
“Let’s go, Mr. Stark!”

Talking so freely with Tony and joking around with him felt like Peter was holding the world on his hands, all his worries fading away. It was one of the nicest feelings he had had lately, and he was very grateful for it.

If there was something he could resemble it to, it would be when he was a child after his parents died and he lived with Ben and May. They had so much fun together, and they created so many precious moments in Coney Island. That place held a very special place in Peter’s heart, and he was glad he was building a new one with the man he looked up to.

One thought he hadn’t yet considered was if maybe he was unconsciously trying to replace Ben and May with Tony. Granted, May wasn’t dead, and she was there for him, but it felt like Tony was becoming more than a mentor to him, and Peter was scared that meant he was replacing them.

There wasn’t a world in which he wanted that, and Peter started wondering what Tony was for him. He was sure that Tony was his role-model, and he also knew he owed him most of who he was a Spider-Man. But other than official business, Peter didn’t really want to think about it, because it scared him that he was getting too close, and Tony wouldn’t want that.

The next two and a half hours were spent in the amusement park. Peter hadn’t had so much fun in a while, and it felt very comfortable to be with Tony there. He certainly didn’t expect that from the Tony Stark to get into the cyclone or being petty about losing at ring toss, or showing off for winning at whac a mole. It felt safe, and Peter decided to enjoy every second of it; all his worries long forgotten.

It was now past midday and Peter knew they were going to have lunch just the two of them in a very public place, with only unhealthy food available. Thinking about calories scared Peter, and he was afraid his facial expression was telling on his fear of food. What scared him most was that he could purge in such a place. Peter was smart, and he knew it was nasty and not very hygienic; no matter how badly he wanted to be thinner, he still had his standards.

In front of Saltz & Sizzle, Peter put on the happiest face he could and tried to think about how happy he felt to be spending the day with Tony. A crispy shrimp taco seemed like a nice choice, and he hoped ordering that would contribute to Tony thinking he was truly doing better. It seemed to go fine, as the man didn’t even look at him when he ordered, instead ordering a California chicken cheesesteak for himself.

They sat down in one of the tables in front of the shop and it felt so mundane. The sun was shining bright, but it wasn’t as warm as Peter thought it would be. They were almost halfway through July, and he expected a heatwave. But that day was just nice. It would be a perfect setting for a lunch if it weren’t for the people gathering around them.

Tony Stark was known by pretty much everyone, that much was clear. But Peter was just a kid from Queens, and he was almost certain no one was aware that they knew each other, much less that he was living with Tony. Peter didn’t want to be in the public eye at all. He was very confident when it came to Spider-Man, but he was always wearing a mask. Now, though, it was just Peter Parker with the great Tony Stark.

“Mr. Stark?”
“Don’t worry, kid, Pepper’s already got a plan in motion; we prepared for this.”
“Oh, I didn’t know.”
“The story is that you’re my personal intern, not very different from what your aunt believes.”
“Well, yeah, maybe.”
“It’s okay, kid, you have nothing to worry about. They will eventually find something else to focus on.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”
“No worries, Pete.”
“Would it be okay if we leave when we’re done eating?”
“Sure, no issue at all.”

He was truly grateful for Tony and how he seemed to always know what to do and what was best for him and their whole arrangement. He had taken care of everything that could come up when it came to Peter being Spider-Man or the fact that he had a teenager living in a heavily guarded Avengers Compound. It was amazing, and truly mesmerizing.

After eating lunch, instead of heading back to the Compound, Tony decided he wanted to walk down broadwalk. It was pretty evident the man didn’t want to go back and deal with the whole mess of it. And, truthfully, Peter didn’t want to, either. They probably both knew that it would be very uncomfortable to face everyone and figure things out; being out in Coney Island made that a messy future problem.

“So, Peter, I haven’t really asked you.”
“What’s up?”
“What really happened with the Vulture?”
“Oh, uhm, well, you know they were creating this tech with chitauri tech, right?”
“Yep, covered that one.”
“Uhm, and you also know they hijacked your plane – I’m really sorry for that, Mr. Stark.”
“Why are you sorry, kid? It has never been your fault.”
“Well, yeah, but the plane got wrecked anyway.”
“I shouldn’t have taken away the suit, Pete. I know I told you it ended up being a good thing; still, it would’ve been easier if you had had it.”
“It’s fine, really. I found some sort of inner strength? I know it sounds weird.”
“How so?”
“There was this warehouse, where the Vulture kept the tech and his suit, right? And I know it was stupid but I went to confront him about everything, and the dude hit every column and the building kinda fell on me? And then –”
“Sorry, what happened?”
“It was seriously nothing bad, Mr. Stark.”
“That’s bullshit, Peter. What the hell?”
“Seriously, Mr. Stark, I managed.”
“How did you even get out of there?”
“Uhm, I actually remembered what you said about being worthy of the suit, you know? It made me realize I needed to be strong with and without it, and uhm, yeah.”

Tony didn’t reply to Peter’s words, and it was nerve-wracking. He had forgotten that he had never properly shared with Tony what had happened in the warehouse. Truly, he didn’t ever feel the need to; it was something Peter didn’t think Tony would care about. But now that he saw Tony letting out what seemed to be a relieved sigh, Peter knew it was a good thing that he shared that with him.

“I’m proud of you, Peter.”

Maybe it was for the best if he didn’t reply. He would’ve probably rambled about how it was nothing and that he didn’t deserve it, and it would definitely ruin the moment. Simply shooting a smile, Peter stayed silent and focused on his thoughts.

For one, it was amazing to know that he had done well enough as Spider-Man for Tony to feel proud of him. When Tony recruited him for Germany, Peter wanted to prove himself more than anything, and knowing that he had taken a step in the right direction made him feel relieved.

Nevertheless, the part of him that hated himself was yelling at him for lying and deceiving Tony. Peter knew that he shouldn’t lie to him, and it would eventually catch up to him. Tony would eventually find out that he wasn’t eating, and he was purging, and Peter knew that wasn’t something anyone would consider worthy.

Even if he was focusing on what made Tony think Peter was worthy, his mind changed directions and headed straight down the road of what Tony meant to him. Was Tony becoming a paternal figure to him? It seemed ridiculous, but he really liked the thought of it.

____________________

At 4pm Tony decided they should head back, saying that the traffic would get worse, and he didn’t want to deal with it. Maybe that was true, but something told Peter that Tony now knew what he wanted to do to deal with what had happened with Wanda. It was kinda scary, but Peter felt safe and confident that Tony would protect him.

“Do you want to get some ice cream on the way up? I certainly do.”
“Sure.”

If his memory didn’t fail him, Tony stopped at the same ice cream shop he went with Happy a while ago. Maybe it was a place both Tony and Happy liked and went to together, that was a nice thought. Peter thought that they would sit down and eat like he did with Happy but, instead, they bought the ice creams and ate them in the car. For a moment, Peter was scared of Tony driving and eating and ice cream, but then he was abruptly reminded that the car could safely drive itself and his mouth was shut close with ice cream in it.

“Mr. Stark? What’s going to happen with the Accords?”
“You know what, Pete? I’m not gonna worry about it anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“See, Pete, the deal was very specific, and they aren’t holding up their end of the bargain, especially with what Maximoff just did.”
“It wasn’t that bad…”
“There are bylaws they agreed to adhere to when they were allowed to living, in the Compound; using her powers outside of training blatantly violates them.”
“Oh.”
“I have way too much to do, and I will not continue devoting my time to getting them out of trouble they get themselves into, especially if it drags us with them.”
“I’m sorry to ask, Mr. Stark; is this about your parents?”

Before that question, the conversation seemed to be flowing easily. But after the words left his mouth, Tony stopped talking. It didn’t seem like he was mad or uncomfortable, Peter guessed he was just thoughtful. In any case, it was mortifying to think he stepped so far over the line asking questions about Tony’s parents.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark, I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“It’s okay, kid. The thing is, you’re right. Barnes killed my parents, and Rhodey’s lesion, directly or not, was Sam’s fault; Bruce won’t show his face in Johannesburg because of that little witch; I’m not willing to let any of them keep messing with anyone else I care about.”

Peter felt very grateful for that moment. Not only did Tony trust him enough to share that information with him, but he also implied that he was one of the few that Tony cared about. It made him feel special and loved, something he really needed. Regardless, a strong rage filled his veins instantly. He realized how much pain Tony had been through, and it angered him that they weren’t grateful for it and what he had done for them. It was insane, and Peter’s anger was building up, and he didn’t know where it would lead him to.

____________________

The sun was starting to set when Tony and Peter were entering the Compound’s premises, which meant it was probably dinner time. When they were leaving the north city limits of New York, Tony said they should take some Mc Donald’s back for dinner. Peter didn’t refuse, even if he wanted to. He didn’t have to eat, but it still worried him that Tony would notice. But his solution was clear, and it was time to test if it was something that would work long time.

Something Peter noticed was that Tony didn’t get as much food as he usually did when he ordered takeout for the entire team. It actually seemed to be much less, which made it clear that he probably got food for those in his circle, and that none of the Rogues would be eating any of it. Tony’s pettiness was hilarious, and, instead of worrying about it, he decided to enjoy it. After all, there was nothing he could do, and he felt Wanda deserved that pettiness; Peter hated feeling unsafe.

When entering the left building, the first thing that came in sight was an apparently enraged Rhodey who was standing with a very intimidating power pose with arms crossed, which slightly scared Peter.

“What the hell, Tony?”
“I’m not up for this, Rhodes; store it, and save it for later.”
“I’m not one of your machines, Tones, you can’t just ask me to do that.”
“But I am.”
“Why are you doing this, dude?”
“I don’t want to deal with this right now, is that good enough?”

Tony easily evaded Rhodey and made his way to the kitchen to unload the takeout they had brought with them, with the man following close behind him. Bruce was sitting on the couch watching the news, and he turned around as soon as he saw them coming. The fact that he was there eased Peter’s stress because, just like him, he didn’t have anything to say about it.

“Anything new, Banner? Have you spoken to Helen yet?”
“Uhm, yeah.”
“Don’t do this, Tony.”

The environment was as awkward as it could get, but Tony wouldn’t give up trying to make small talk to avoid talking to Rhodey. It wasn’t really clear why he didn’t want the man to know what had happened, but he wouldn’t dare question Tony.

They all sat down at the dinner table; Tony at the head seat, Peter on his right, Rhodey on his left, and Bruce next to Peter. That allowed them to lowly talk with each other to try and make their dinner as comfortable as possible. Trying not to focus on the conversation, Peter decided to focus on his plate. But it was the wrong decision.

He had placed a hamburger and small fries on his plate and, suddenly, it seemed like too much. The day he spent with Tony was great, probably one of the best days of his life, but coming back to the Compound, and dealing with the food on his plate and what Wanda had done brough him back to reality.

He had his solution, though. It was nothing to worry about. He ate as fast as he could without seeming too suspicious about it, and then asked to be excused to the bathroom. Tony brushed him off, saying that he wasn’t a child, and it was great because that meant he wasn’t paying enough attention to him, instead focusing everything on Rhodey.

____________________

After not being in his room for a while, Peter felt weird coming back again. It had only been 12 hours, but it felt like it had been days. It was a good thing, though. He had a whole day to ignore his mind, and it did make him feel happier. But now that he was back, he realized he had a task to fulfill, as much as he dreaded it.

Purging had never been something he felt proud of, or even liked. It made his throat hurt and his knuckles swell. His eyes involuntarily watered and it seemed like snot built up in his nose just to mess with him. There was no other way, though. Tony seemed so relaxed, and Peter didn’t want to add anything else to his plate. Purging would allow him to keep losing weight without disappointing Tony.

Kneeling in front of the toilet was unsurprisingly humiliating. It felt like he was atoning for his sins, but it wouldn’t comply. Even if he felt diminished, the emptiness that came after emptying his stomach was great, and it made the roughness in his throat seem worth it.

Sadly, though, he couldn’t really puke everything. He saw bits and pieces of unprocessed shrimp, and the chunks of bread were definitely there. But there was no track of his breakfast and it made him feel terrible. Maybe he should’ve purged in that overly fancy restaurant. One thing he couldn’t deny was that he did receive a whole lot of energy. It allowed him to keep up with Tony and to avoid seeming as weak as he did the day before, so it wasn’t as bad as he initially thought.

When he got out of the bathroom, Peter had the intention of going upstairs to Tony’s lab and ask him to meet him there to talk about something he thought about for his suit when they were in the cyclone. Truly, he wanted to distract Tony as much as he could; it was literally the least he could do.

But he heard talking downstairs, so he headed down and was met with Tony facing Steve, who had both Sam and Wanda behind him, both with a stern look on their faces and a defying look on their faces. It was terrifying and Peter hoped he had stayed upstairs.

Notes:

Hey guys! It's my birthday today! I wanted to post the 25th chapter on the 25th of May. I know it's kinda lame but I thought it would be nice. Who would've thought? 3 chapters in a month.

This chapter is full of fluff, I hope you like it! I needed my irondad spiderson therapy moment. Angst coming soon, though!

Please let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions!
I'm always open to polite criticism :)

Have a nice week!

Chapter 26: then please just say the word

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The tales about what happened between the Avengers weren’t unknown. On the contrary, most people think they know what happened. Peter probably had more information than most people, but it was still very unclear to him how it really was. The scene in front of him made things way too clear, and it overwhelmed Peter.

The whole deal with the Accords was the main reason of the division between the team, or so everyone thought. But now Peter knew that, at least for Tony, it was personal. He couldn’t blame him; he had gone through so much, and it was understandable that he would react that way. Seeing Tony wearing those bracelets that he had been working on was scary all on itself. Peter knew the nanites would in an instant transform in the arm of his suit, which would make it very much possible that he would use the thrusters aimed at Steve.

It was a scary thought, and Peter didn’t know what to do. He wanted to support Tony and give his everything to face them. After all, he was in that situation because of how he complained about what Wanda did. But it was scary; he didn’t want to fight any of them, specially thinking about how that would change things in his everyday life at the Compound.

He had always been great at thinking on his feet and coming up with solutions to his problems. Now, though, it seemed like his brain didn’t want to cooperate. He wanted to protect Tony, and he had to come up with something.

After a couple of seconds, his brain finally restarted and came up with a quick fix. His first instinct was to go all Spider-Man and to hell with any reason. He knew exactly where Tony was keeping his suit, and it wasn’t locked away. No one was really aware of his presence, so he could easily go upstairs and change. But his better judgement knew it wasn’t the best idea. It would make the whole situation a lot worse if he put on the suit with which he fought crime.

On the other hand, it was also possible for him to distract Tony and hope he would listen. It was probably futile, thought. It seemed to Peter that Tony was set on kicking them out and starting a whole new fight. It wouldn’t hurt to try, though. If he was honest with himself, the main reason he didn’t want to do that was that he was stressed about what would happen if Tony didn’t pay attention to him, and instead ignored him. It would make him feel insignificant and the last thing anyone needed was for Peter to break down crying.

Tony was starting to get worked up, and Peter knew what could follow. He was using the same tone he used after the ferry fiasco, and after he hung up on him. But this time it was not Peter, and he thought Tony would be much less lenient with the Rogues.

“No, you don’t understand what’s going on here, Wilson. Thar little witch blatantly broke the agreement. It was clear as day; how do you excuse that?”
“Are you serious, Tony? She’s j–”
“Don’t ‘Tony’ me, Wilson. You know, I’ve been busting my ass trying to get all you lot out of the damn mess you created, and this is what you pull?”
“She’s just a kid.”
“Don’t bullshit me with that again, Rogers, I’m warning you.”

There was a mix of emotions going through Peter’s mind when he saw the scene unfold. For one, he felt special and safe seeing that Tony was defending him, at least indirectly. But it was also extremely disappointing to see the team fall apart, again. It brough back the memories of the day they returned from Washington and when it seemed like the Accords were just a childish illusion.

Wanda was behind Sam, almost outside the building, so it was most likely that no one was watching her. Regardless, Peter was still on the stairs, and he saw her moving her fingers, a lingering red hue moving through them. Tony had already told Peter that she was the reason Bruce destroyed a part of Johannesburg, and that, indirectly, she was to blame for the creation of Ultron. It brought chills down Peter’s spine in fear.

Truthfully, he cared little about what would happen to him if Wanda got in his brain. He already had his fill of demons in his head, so, what’s one more? The real fear that haunted Peter was what would happen to Tony if she got in his brain. The only thing Peter thought about was the amount of shit he had been through and how much people blamed him for the ills of the world; he didn’t need her messing with. His thoughts.

That single moment made the decision for Peter, and he silently made his way upstairs to get his web-shooters. It was probably not smart for him to put on the entire suit; that would make him seem like he was threatening them. But thankfully, he had been working with Tony on making different models of the web shooters for situations like this. These weren’t embedded with nanotech, but they would do the trick. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to use them, but he was determined to do whatever he could to protect Tony.

A few minutes prior he hated himself for not having purged earlier; for not having puked his breakfast. But it worked out for him in the end. His senses were restarting, he could feel it; so, he knew there was no real danger. It was better to be safe than sorry, though. It was pretty exciting to see that, after such a long time, he was starting to feel like a useful Spider-Man again, and it made him proud to know he was using his powers to protect Tony.

Going down the stairs brought an uneasy feeling to Peter; after all, these were the Avengers. Tony was his main priority, though. The man had done so much for him, and this was the least he could do. Silently, and hoping no one noticed, he got behind Tony and tried his best to hide his fears and make Steve, Sam, and Wanda inconspicuously see the shooters. He didn’t want them to feel threatened, but it wouldn’t hurt for them to see that Tony wasn’t standing up to them on his own.

“You know what, Cap? I’m sick of this bullshit. Go do whatever it is you do. Do not forget why and how you’re here, it’s about time you lot start to appreciate it.”
“Cmon, Tony, we can’t leave this unspoken.”
“Go ahead, try to stop me and I promise you the Accords will be the least of your problems.”

Peter wasn’t sure what happened. He was very focused on them and their reactions to his presence to noticed that Tony, too, knew he was there. Now that he thought about it, he sensed Tony look back to him and probably see the web-shooters. It was weird to see the man completely change the tone of the conversation and blow them off so abruptly, but Peter wasn’t complaining. Wanda finally stopped playing with her red hue, and they all seemed to get the message that they had lost the argument. Finally, a sense of peace.

____________________

Apart from the shitshow that was that confrontation with Steve, it was an awesome day; probably the best one Peter had had since his arrival at the Compound. Tony didn’t have to spend his entire day distracting Peter from his fear, but still, he did. Tony was a very busy man, and Peter knew that he had a huge number of contracts to go through for the new facilities, and that, on top of the Accords, probably took up most of his time. The fact that he had taken time of his busy schedule to spend time with Peter was something he was extremely grateful for.

It would probably always be daunting to go up to Tony’s private floor. It was his floor, and chances were he didn’t like to be disturbed. But Peter was raised to be grateful, so he pushed down his shame and went up to thank him.

He found the man in the couch working on his StarkPad with the TV turned on, probably to have some noise in the background. He seemed busy and way too immersed in his work, and Peter didn’t want to disrupt him, especially given what had just happened. But Tony had already acknowledged his presence, so there was no way he could turn back.

“Oh, hey, Pete. How’s it going?”
“Uhm, hi, Mr. Stark, I’m sorry to bother you.”
“Nonsense, I’m not that busy, anyway.”
“Right.”
“What’s up? What can I do for you?”
“Actually, I just, uhm, I kinda wanted to thank you for today? You really didn’t have to. So, yeah, thank you.”
“No problem, kid. I actually had a lot of fun, nice getting away from this place for a minute.”
“Uhm, Mr. Stark?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s gonna happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, with them, you know? Steve and them?”
“You didn’t have to get your web-shooters, Pete. You shouldn’t have to get in this mess, it’s way too nasty.”
“But, I just thought that; with me living here, I kinda thought it was important for me to know.”
“I don’t know, Peter; don’t worry about it, it’s none of your concern.”
“What if it was?”

The minute the words left his mouth Peter realized they were a mistake. It was definitely the wrong time to bring that up, and he knew it was the wrong move to make. Truly, he had been thinking about it, but Tony was too busy, and he was sure he didn’t have time to deal with this.

“What did you say?”
“Uhm, well, uhm –”
“I know for a fact you can be way more articulate than that. Out with it.”
“You know how we’ve been talking about me being part of, uhm, the Avengers?”
“Oh, that.”

After that a silence settled in the room and it was weird. It wasn’t the kind of silence that made him want to disappear, but it definitely wasn’t the kind where he felt comfortable being silent. It was a complicated topic to talk about, and it just wasn’t the time.

“You have a terrible timing, Pete.”
“I’m sorry, it was just a thought, maybe – uhm, I thought maybe I could help? Probably not, it’s stupid and I wouldn’t really make much for the team.”
“It’s not that, Peter. You couldn’t have come up with this at a worse time. We have to sort this out before properly introducing you to the team. I’d be delighted, but it’s just not the right time.”
“Yeah, probably.”

Truth be told, Peter didn’t think before saying he should be part of the team. He knew it wasn’t the time, and he didn’t want to, not for a while. He was dealing with hell in his head, and it was something he knew the team didn’t need to concern itself with. And, honestly, he didn’t bring anything to the table. He was just a puny excuse of a hero, and he would probably embarrass himself. It was relieving when Tony said it wasn’t a good idea.

“Mr. Stark, what’s going to happen with the whole situation with Wanda?”
“Any suggestions?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Stark, I don’t want to cause more problems.”
“This wasn’t your fault, kid.”
“Kinda was.”
“No, it wasn’t. I don’t know, Pete; there’s very little we can do, there’s no way to control her powers.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been trying to come up with ways to make her powers predictable, but I’m pretty sure they won’t accept any of the ideas.”
“What have you thought of?”
“I’ve been working on protocols to put in everyone’s suit; predicting her moves and protecting their minds.”
“Oh.”
“What are you thinking?”
“Uhm, I don’t know, Mr. Stark, I really don’t.”

Hearing the plans that Tony thought of brought an uneasy feeling to Peter. He knew for a fact Wanda wouldn’t very easily agree to someone controlling her, and, chances were, Steve’s team would fight that. Tony had the best intentions, that much he knew. Regardless, Peter had felt out of control one too many times, and he didn’t want Wanda feeling that way. When Tony found out about his eating, Peter felt like he had no control over his own life, and it sucked. If someone were to control Wanda and her powers, it would probably be disastrous.

It was still very scary to think about talking to her again. Getting close to her was almost immediate, but he doubted he would ever feel as comfortable around her as he did before. But, still, he didn’t want her to suffer on his account; so, he decided to face her and warn her; maybe work with her to avoid making things worse.

The day had been full of emotions, and Peter was tired; just wanting to go to sleep. After half an hour of casually chatting with Tony, Peter said goodnight, and he made himself the promise that the next day would be much easier.

________ . ________

Tony couldn’t lie to himself; facing Peter after he had hung up on him angered him beyond words. It was offending and careless, something Tony wasn’t at all used to. In all honesty, it was mostly concern, and he knew for a fact he had gotten his point across after the long lecture he gave Peter at his aunt’s apartment.

The next morning, the concern was still there. It wasn’t like he could simply look the other way and ignore the fact that Peter could be lying to throw him off his game and get away with his shenanigans. Tony was wary of Peter’s movements, but he didn’t want him to know, instead trying to be not too evident.

His initial plan was for him to spend the day tinkering in his lab and keeping an eye out for Peter, it seemed like a pretty good plan. Unfortunately, Pepper had something else in mind and called Tony saying she needed him to get a look on new Avengers buildings and get involved in planning them. There was no way he could get out of that.

Tony wanted to stay in the kitchen for breakfast with Peter, but the amount of paperwork that was sent to him wouldn’t be worked out unless he had his full energy dedicated to get that over with. Regardless, it filled his heart with pride to see Peter get a sandwich. Maybe he was telling the truth when he said he was getting better.

____________________

The living quarters were nice, that much was clear. After all, Tony had a very direct input in designing them, so it was definitely to his liking. But the truth was that there was very little he would get done with so many distractions. With that in mind, he took to the briefing room in the right side of the business building. It was quiet and private, no one had access to it, especially when he was in there by himself. He had placed a very specific protocol to allow entry only to those who were given level 5 restriction access, so, it was safe.

Two hours went by, and Tony was drowning in paperwork. There was so much of it, and it was exhausting. Thankfully, or probably regretfully, as he was about to stand up to serve himself a large cup of coffee, an incoming call appeared in his phone. He couldn’t well hang up, so the only choice was to answer and suck it up.

“What can I do for you today, Ross?”
“You’re running out of time, Stark.”
“Come again?”
“You need to deliver something in three weeks’ time.”
“What if we don’t?”
“If you don’t hand something in by July 27th, then you can expect a not very friendly visit to that Compound of yours to apprehend the Rogues.”
“Huh.”
“Where are you with that?”
“Actually, Ross, I’m a little bored, I want to see the light beeping.”
“Don’t you da–”

It was more than enough for him before he got the call. Having Ross give him a deadline tipped him over the line and frustrated him beyond words. It was moments like these when Tony wanted to send the Accords to hell and leave the Rogues to handle themselves on their own. But there was still a very alive voice in his head that told him the team was worth fighting for, so he took to it, ignoring the paperwork Pepper requested him to fill out.

To buy them time to give a worthwhile draft Tony thought that they could ask the governments of the world for their input on what they were willing to let the Avengers do in their territory. It was a nice idea if they lived in a utopian society, but it was probably a futile effort. It would do nothing for their cause, instead raising more problems with which they’d have to deal with in the actual draft.

Another idea was to develop new tech for them to use on missions. It was Tony’s area of expertise, and he could pitch to the United Nations a safer equipment for them to fight the threat with minimum damage to the location. It was an idea he hated, but it was better than nothing. Tony liked having his freedom to develop his tech, and this would constrain him to what the United Nations found necessary.

Maybe proposing an unauthorized intervention when there were imminent life-threatening situations for civilians was the way to go, giving the Avengers autonomy to determine what situations those were. It would definitely give them the space they wanted to save the people they needed to without agendas getting in the way. It would also give them the opportunity to justify themselves after the fact, instead of having to wait for approval.

One thing Tony knew for sure they’d agree to was if there was ever another extraterrestrial attack. It was surely agreed upon that the Avengers were the only ones equipped enough to deal with such an attack, given both their capabilities and tech. Their experience with defeating the Chitauri gave them credibility, so that was something Tony had no doubt they’d get away with.

Another thing Tony realized would settle the United Nations and make them more open to accepting their draft was the expansion of the Stark Relief Foundation. If there was something Tony had learned from life it was that throwing money at problems did work. It was not ideal, but it did the job. It was also the most reasonable solution for them; it was true that civilian population and infrastructure were affected because of them, so it was only logical they pay for the damages. But he needed a seal of approval.

“Hey, Pep, you busy?”
“Hey, Tony, is something wrong?”
“Define wrong.”
“What’s going on? Is Peter okay?”
“Yeah, it’s not about him. I kinda need your approval on something?”
“What about?”
“Ross called – he wants a draft of the Accords in three weeks.”
“What can I do?”
“So, we might need to increase the Stark Relief Foundation’s funds and reach.”
“Oh.”
“Yep.”
“We can reallocate funds, but it won’t be a problem.”
“Sounds great.”
“I need to get in contact and negotiate with NGOs around the world to make funding available; also get approval from governments.”
“That’s… exhausting.”
“It’s no issue, Tony, we’ll figure it out.”
“That’s why I love you.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Thank you, Pep, I mean it.”

She always had a solution to his problems, and she always knew what to do. Tony didn’t understand how, but he owed a lot to her, even if he didn’t say it often. On the other hand, Peter realized he was becoming the Tony McDuck he swore he wouldn’t become. He had explicitly told the team that he wouldn’t do that, but it was something that needed to be done, and there weren’t many other sources of income. It was going to bring the team back together, and that was something Tony thought important.

“How’s Peter?”

Even though Tony knew he was safe in that room, and that no one would enter, there was still a fear that someone would hear. It was irrational, really. Regardless, he wanted to keep Peter safe from everything and everyone, especially when it came with his struggles.

“I guess he’s doing fine, at least I think so.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“Yeah, actually, there was a small incident yesterday, nothing major.”
“What did you do, Tony?”
“Why do you always assume I did something wrong?”
“Experience.”
“Point given.”
“What happened?”
“I saw the footage in Karen’s log. Peter saved a man who tried to commit suicide.”
“That’s good, isn’t it?”
“The kid then threw up and hung up on me, I was worried, Pepper.”

She didn’t respond with words, only a laugh came through the line and Tony didn’t understand why she found it funny. Maybe she didn’t understand the circumstances before Peter went on patrol and she didn’t know the terms Peter agreed to.

“What’s so funny, huh?”
“Oh, Tony, you’re being dramatic.”
“Absolutely not, it was irresponsible, we had a deal.”
“I know you care about him, Tony, but he’s a teenager. You have to trust him. Besides, the suit has a tracker, and you can connect to Karen if needed to. There’s no harm there, is it?”
“Maybe, but we had a deal.”
“Give him a break, he deserves it.”
“Yeah, probably.”
“How’s he doing with his eating?”
“Surprisingly great, actually.”
“Really? That’s amazing.”
“He’s been making lunch and generally eating, it’s pretty impressive.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Tony.”
“He’s a good kid.”
“I gotta go, I’m flying to Geneva, but keep me updated.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I’ll come by the Compound in two weeks.”
“Sounds great, Pep.”
“Goodbye, Tony, I love you.”
“Love you, too, safe travels.”

____________________

Tony didn’t know what he expected for lunch, but he was definitely surprised to see Wanda and Peter serving up a lot of cups for a personalized Mexican dish. It was a great idea, and Tony appreciated how he was spending time with everyone, instead of being holed up in his room. Regardless, it was a disappointed to see that Peter wasn’t going to eat.

Wanda seemed pretty confident when she said Peter had eaten while they were preparing lunch. It was definitely weird, and something seemed off. But there was nothing Tony could hang onto to question her. He was making a true effort at trusting Peter, and it was better than nothing to have another resident of the Compound watch over Peter.

The food was amazing, as usual; everyone seemed to be having a great time and Tony was glad they were having moments like these. He really missed how it used to be and having these tiny get togethers was deeply appreciated. Peter’s initiative to watch a movie was definitely surprising. Not so long ago Peter took any chance at avoiding being with them, so, this was a welcome change.

Tony really wanted Peter to become part of the team, to make his status as an Avenger official. The kid would be a great asset to the team. He had mad skills, while also being aware of his surroundings. He could very well protect civilians, and Tony thought Peter would enjoy that. On the other hand, the Avengers needed someone like him. He was always bubbly, and he was so innocently genuine. A new addition to the team, especially with someone like Peter, would bring a much-needed fresh start to the team and its operations. But he couldn’t push him, and Tony was determined to be patient.

It was a real shame that Peter wanted to go out on patrol after having said that they should watch a movie. Tony was hoping to see more of how Peter was around them in a more relaxed environment. He really appreciated that Peter sought his approval before going out. It made him feel closer to him, almost like he was a sort of paternal figure to him. Peter was smart, and Tony was starting to trust him, so he chose to let his concerns go and not put up a fight with his going out.

____________________

The wisest thing Tony could come up with was to keep his conversation with Ross to himself until Friday’s meeting. They had agreed to reserve Fridays for the Accords in favor of the team’s wellbeing. That was definitely going to change now that they had a clear deadline, but he preferred to keep things how they were for three more days.

They were having a nice afternoon, to his surprise. He spent most of it playing pool with Sam and Clint, but it was mostly Sam complaining that Clint shouldn’t be playing that; that he was cheating. Everyone else was watching Grease, and it was interesting, to say the least.

“You’re all wrong, this movie is as misogynistic as it gets.”
“Oh, c’mon, Natasha, you know that’s not true.”
“Really? Please, do tell.”
“It’s just men being men.”
“Go ahead, say that again but keep in mind I have a blade tucked in my calf.”
“No need to get defensive, Widow.”
“You weren’t even here when the movie was out, Rogers.”
“That time as a capsicle didn’t teach you anything, did it?”
“You’re siding with her, Stark?”
“It’s the 21st century, get on with the agenda.”

As much as he was enjoying making fun of Steve, his mind was in Queens, specifically on its vigilante who usually had very little regard for his own safety. More than a couple of times Tony had to fight his instinct to check up on him. He had told Peter that he trusted him, and he wanted to make good on that. After all, Peter was supposed to spend two years with him, and it would be hell for both of them if he didn’t trust him.

Apparently, Peter knew that Tony would worry, and he was glad to see the notification pop up on his phone with a picture of a subway sandwich and a smiley face. It was a disgusting choice, but Tony knew it was a good thing. He was choosing something he surely liked, and it was nice to see that he wasn’t paying attention to calories; maybe he was getting better.

After having had dinner, Tony went to the living room to have a glass of scotch, go over the paperwork he had ignored earlier and wait for Peter to arrive. He wasn’t intending to interrogate him, but he did want to make sure that he got home safe. Everyone was there, hanging out or talking business, but no one had gone their own way. When Peter arrived, everyone turned to look at him, and he had a sad look on his face. That’s just how teenagers were, right?

____________________

Seeing Peter having breakfast with Steve and Bucky was something Tony never once expected to see. But it was happening, and it was slightly disturbing. Whether they knew it or not, Tony had taken Peter under his wing, and he would do anything to protect him. Seeing him alone with the two people in the Compound he trusted least was frightening, but Tony didn’t allow himself to show that, or he hoped it didn’t. It was probably irrational, but he feared they would somehow hurt him, and that’s something he would never allow.

In all honesty, he was making the active effort to amend things with them and try and forgive Bucky for what the Winter Soldier had done to his family by killing his parents. It was a hard pill to swallow; knowing that he lived with the man that killed his mom, but not really the man that did.

“Don’t believe anything they say, kid, they weren’t cool back then.”
“And how would you know?”
“Well, dear old dad always made your star-spangled ass look like a god, but the records say otherwise.”

He wasn’t really trying to make things uncomfortable; he really wasn’t. Nevertheless, talking about his dad, as horrible as their relationship was, was difficult. It felt good to see that Bucky felt guilty, and that Steve knew it was what complicated everything.

Trying to ignore what he really wanted to say, Tony brought up the Accords. Truth was, he spent a terrible night thinking about that, and he knew that discussion was one to be held with everyone. He couldn’t well talk it out with only Steve and Bucky, but he had to say something. Hopefully they heard it as casually as he intended it. Apparently, it did, because, as Tony saw it, they were taking things way too lightly, ignoring the fact that they had the most to lose.

He wanted to dwell more on it, but Peter’s request threw him off his game. It was something he wasn’t expecting, especially not now. It was a daily effort to ignore his better judgement and see to it that Peter ate every single meal, if not more. Now that Peter was asking him to back off, Tony didn’t really know what to say. He was wary and concerned.

Tony didn’t like not knowing; he didn’t know if Peter was telling the truth, and he didn’t know if he was actually healthy. Tony wasn’t Peter’s father, and he wasn’t actually his authority. That meant that he tried to pry as little as possible, hoping that Peter was smart enough to take care of himself. But he also didn’t want to risk any harm coming to Peter. If he agreed to backing off, he was giving Peter his entire trust, and that was something that didn’t come easily to Tony. Truth of the matter was that, if he didn’t agree, it would push Peter away and it would make things worse. Deciding to try, he agreed, but he still had his doubts.

“Mr. Stark, I think I’m gonna head out, I actually want to go out on patrol, maybe help some people.”
“Sounds good, kid. Will you be back for lunch?”
“Sure!”

The least he could do was try to make sure he ate something, and there was really no other way for him to know but to offer. One thing that was definitely weird was Peter going on patrol so early. It wasn’t what he regularly did; on the contrary, he usually went out after lunch or even dinner. Maybe he had more energy and decided to go for it. Regardless, it was nice to see him happy, and the pride Tony felt looking at him swinging away from the Compound was something Tony couldn’t describe but liked how it felt.

____________________

After knowing Peter was having lunch with his friend, Tony decided to relax and spend the afternoon tinkering in his lab. It was a great day for him to work on pending projects, specifically because he needed a break. He spent most of it working on nanotech for a small weaponry device for both himself and Rhodey. Even if he did work on equipment for the entire team, Tony reserved the best for his team. Something about giving the Rogues the lately technology he developed didn’t sit right with Tony. Maybe eventually he would get there, but he was far from that point.

Dinnertime was approaching and a part of him was grateful to know that most of the inhabitants of the Compound would be going out for dinner. He needed peace and quiet, and there was no better place for that than his lab. The only ones left in the Compound were Rhodey and him. Everyone else went away, so he ordered in Chinese food, hoping that no one would arrive earlier.

“Hey, Tony, how’s it going?”
“Hi, Rhodes, anything new?”
“I was called for an emergency Accords meeting tomorrow morning in New York.”
“Oh, really? Who called it””
“Ross.”
“Damn him.”
“What’s up with that?”

If there was anyone Tony would trust everything to, that was Rhodey. He knew whatever he told him would be safe, and that he wouldn’t use it against him. Telling him about his conversation with Ross was only logical, and he was grateful he could talk it over with someone he actually trusted.

“He called yesterday; said he wants a draft in three weeks.”
“They’re growing impatient, Tony. They will make good on their threat if we don’t do something about it.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Have you told this to Steve?”
“Nope, I’m waiting for Friday’s meeting; figured it was best for the whole team to know.”
“That’s probably better. I’ll be back Friday morning for the meeting.”
“Let me know.”

A couple of hours later Helen sent over Peter’s results and Tony was disproportionally excited. Ever since he had heard of Spider-Man he was curious about what he could actually do. When he met Peter, it was even more intriguing, especially given how great Peter was. Now having the results in his hands, he didn’t really know how to react.

Sadly, what Helen had sent over wasn’t enough to fulfill his expectations. Tony wanted to know much more about the chemical composition of Peter’s DNA. There was virtually nothing about that. It mostly talked about resemblances between Peter’s and a spider’s DNA, and what that entailed for Peter’s enhancements. It was certainly interesting, but Tony wanted to know more.

As soon as he heard Peter come into the building, Tony wanted to share the results with him. Peter probably wasn’t aware of how much he could actually do, and it would probably excite him more to learn about it. With that in mind, he asked FIRDAY to call Peter to his private floor.

“Oh.”
“That’s right.”
“Is it okay if we go over it tomorrow?”
“Sure thing, kid; I’ll meet you downstairs for breakfast.”
“Goodnight, Mr. Stark.”
“Goodnight, Pete.”

It was disappointing, to say the least. Tony expected Peter come in with bright eyes and curiosity as he usually entered his lab. But what he saw was a pale kid with the lack of his usual enthusiasm. Maybe he was just tired from patrolling for such a long time, and it was cold anyway, that’s why he was pale. Or that’s what Tony told himself to avoid giving in to the growing concern.

____________________

His morning started as it usually did. He got up, showered, and checked his private phone to see if anything of note happened while he was asleep. There was nothing, but, as if on cue, he received a call from Rhodey at exactly 9:15am.

“Hey, man, how’s New York?”
“We’re currently in a break.”
“How are things looking? What’s the verdict?”
“It’s complicated, Tony.”
“I bet.”
“You should check up on Peter, Tones.”

It was just a casual talk. At least it was supposed to be. Tony didn’t for a moment guess that Rhodey was calling to talk about Peter, much less to warn him about something. He wouldn’t have called unless it was something serious.

“FRIDAY, what’s going on with Peter.”
“He is currently asleep, sir. Should I wake him up?”
“Nope, that’s not necessary. Update me on his vitals”
“His heart rhythm is slower than normal. His blood pressure is low, and his temperature is currently sitting at 35.3º Celsius.”
“Keep me posted.”

What was going on? Nothing seemed alarmingly wrong, at least as of yet everything seemed within normal parameters. Rhodey must’ve thought something was wrong when it wasn’t, that was probably it.

“FRIDAY says everything’s cool. Why the concern?”
“He seemed… off before I left.”
“Thanks, Rhodes, I’ll go check up on him.”

____________________

An hour later Tony decided it was enough. Peter hadn’t woken up on his own and it was starting to concern him. That hadn’t happened since the day after Sophie’s murder. Tony wondered if something happened during patrol, but he decided to go directly to him and see for himself that Peter was okay.

His best bet at knowing what was going on was acting casually and like nothing was going on. If he had learned something from the time he had spent with Peter was that he always took on the defensive, and, if he felt threatened, he would retreat further away and it would be impossible for him to know what was going on.

As they were going down the stairs Tony’s concern only grew. Peter wasn’t at all excited about the results, instead looking out of it and just plain sick. He didn’t want to make any assumptions, so he tried to talk to him like nothing was going on and like his heart wasn’t about to jump out of his body out of sheer fright.

“You okay there, kid?”
“Uhm, yeah, why the question?”
“You’re not being very verbal right now.”
“Oh, I think I’m just still groggy after being abruptly broken up.”
“I’m sorry, your majesty, it was getting late.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s okay kid. C’mon let’s sit down.”

It was slightly relieving to see that Peter served himself a somewhat normal breakfast. If it were up to Tony, he would’ve served a hell lot more food to Peter’s plate and he would’ve made sure he ate it all. Regardless, Peter’s pale face after seeing the report told him enough about how it would go.

Seeing that Peter was slightly freaking out made Tony question if he had made the right choice by trusting him when he said he was doing better. What if he had lied and said he was fine when he was actually worse than ever? Not having the answer was infuriatingly frustrating. He had just said that he trusted him, and not giving him the benefit of the doubt was something Tony knew he couldn’t afford. After all, no one should be expected to eat 4,000 calories. It was an overwhelmingly large number, and he really tried to understand Peter’s feelings to try and help him.

Peter wanting to stay in his room was unexpected. Most of the time he was in the main building or outside. Now that he was asking to stay in his room, Tony didn’t know what to make of it. He wondered if the report overwhelmed him, or if it was something entirely different. Either way, it had to be for good reason. Who was he to question when he wasn’t feeling his best? It was better to give him space and let Peter come to him.

The rest of the morning Tony was with Bruce in his lab working on the cradle and programming it to fit Peter’s physiology. Now that they had his results it was ever so slightly easier for them to add a setting that would fit his metabolism and enhancements. It was hard for him not to spend his every minute asking FRIDAY to check on Peter. He was busy working for something that would benefit him, so maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing.

____________________

Tony hoped that, by the time lunch was served, Peter would be feeling a lot better. It pained him to realize that he seemed even sicker. He got to the point where he was willing to call Stephen to help him out. Tony knew the man was probably busier than him, but the situation was dire, and he was growing more concerned by the second. Peter had told him that he hated doctors. It came up in a conversation they had not so long ago, so it was probably safe to assume that he would do everything to avoid being checked up by one. Once again, the only thing Tony could do was trust him. Regardless, he took out any paternal instinct he had.

“Can I just skip lunch?”
“Absolutely not, you need to eat.”
“But, Mr. Stark –”
“How about this: I’ll have something delivered to your room. Can you agree to that?”
“I guess, yeah.”
“What do you want?”
“Is it okay if it’s just soup? I don’t think I can stomach anything else.”
“Sure, kid, I’ll let you know.”

Tony couldn’t for the life of him remember the last time Howard took care of him when he was sick. He tried to be better for Peter, even if he wasn’t his father. It made him feel like he was doing things right when Peter finished the soup and it seemed like his semblance was improving. He wanted to do right by him, but it was hard knowing what that was.

____________________

The last thing Tony expected was Peter actually showing his face in Bruce’s lab. Truly, he hoped he would stay in bed. He looked like shit, and it was probably better if he rested for the remaining of the day. But, when he came into the lab, he could see that he was feeling better, so, it was a relief that he made the effort to move and try to help himself.

“Uhm, so, something happened with Wanda before I went to my room.”
“Do tell.”
“She tried using her powers on me; I saw the red hue and just ran to my room. Nothing happened, but I think she might suspect something?”

During the last two years Tony was trying to make the conscious effort to direct his emotions to the one who was to blame for them. He had learned with Pepper that it was probably better, instead of letting it out with other people. What Wanda did made him almost give up on that, wanting to immediately scream at someone.

It also made Tony realize that he couldn’t well protect Peter from everything and everyone. He couldn’t be glued to his side to make sure no one hurt him or tried to mess with him. There were things he knew could happen but that weren’t as harmful as he thought. This, though, was something Tony thought unacceptable. Wanda messed up all the team by waving her hand. He didn’t even want to imagine what would happen if he did that with Peter. The kid had a very complicated past, and he didn’t want to risk Wanda taking advantage of that as she did with him and Bruce.

Miraculously, Tony managed to keep his cool, and it was something that made him feel proud of himself. It had been a struggle, but he managed. It served him greatly, though. Peter was much better by the time dinner came around, and he seemed great, honestly. It was also very relieving to see him eat normally, when just a couple of hours later he couldn’t eat any more than a bowl of soup. Though Tony enjoyed seeing Peter happy, the main concern in his head was the meeting that was to be held the next morning and how he would deal with the Wanda situation. It was something he was NOT looking forward to.

____________________

Once again, his morning began like most of his days did. Regardless, Tony now knew that it wasn’t wise to take the quiet for granted. Anything could happen at any time and getting comfortable around this type of normal wasn’t really something he could afford on his line of work. As much as he expected to worst, getting a call from Happy to meet him in the garage was strange. It wasn’t like he didn’t like hanging out with Happy, but it wasn’t usually in that setting. They didn’t have anything to discuss, so it really intrigued him what the call was about.

When he saw Peter standing next to Happy, Tony immediately knew something was wrong. Happy loved Peter, as much as he wanted to deny it, and he knew Peter trusted him. Seeing them there made it seem like Peter sought him, and Tony guessed it wasn’t to have small talk.

Something was definitely wrong. Peter always acted weird when eating around Tony; he probably hadn’t noticed, but Tony was acutely aware of that behavior. The fact that he wanted to have breakfast with him outside the Compound made it evident that something had, in fact, happened.

“It’s not a problem, Pete. I don’t have anything else to do until 10am.”
“What’s at 10am?”
“You forgot already? The Accords meeting.”
“Oh.”

Before being called to the garage, Tony thought that it would be best for him to prepare a bit before the actual meeting. It was one thing to talk about the conversation with Ross, but he had no clue how to talk about what happened with Wanda. Maybe going out with Peter wasn’t such a terrible idea, they would surely be back before the meeting began.

____________________

La Fayette was a restaurant that Tony used to frequent when he lived in the tower. It was a very nice place, and the food was genuinely delicious. It was just a regular breakfast spot for Tony. Seeing Peter act all weird because of how fancy he thought it was was genuinely amusing, and that gave Tony some sort of reassurance that what happened couldn’t have been that bad.

His fears were confirmed, though. Tony couldn’t trust his good moments anymore; they would almost surely always betray him. It was a fact that Peter had begun to trust Tony, and he was eternally grateful for that. Having Peter share with him his fears was something foreign but welcomed to Tony; though he hoped it wasn’t about this topic in particular.

“I was out this morning, you know, walking and thinking in the lake and I saw Wanda behind the main building; and I wanted to ignore her, right? …”

After hearing Wanda’s name, Tony’s brain couldn’t decide whether to work like it never had before or to just stay quiet. He knew what Peter waws about to say, but he didn’t want to believe it. It enraged Tony, and he was trying really hard not to take it out on Peter. The whole thing was ungrateful and uncalled for; his first instinct being calling one of his suits to personally kick Wanda out of the Compound, but that wouldn’t go well for anyone. Ultimately, he decided to ignore it, and focus on Peter.

“You know what, kid? I don’t know about you, but I’m not going back there. What do you want to do today?”

Having such a huge amount of power almost always gave Tony the authority to make decisions, and he like things that way. But it was nice to give Peter the freedom to choose; take a chance to see what he would want. His gut told him it wasn’t a bad idea, so Peter was in charge for the day, and he hoped he wouldn’t regret it.

____________________

If he had any other phone, Tony was sure it would’ve certainly broken by now. The number of messages he had received from both Steve and Rhodey were overwhelming but mostly amusing. He was already 45 minutes late for the meeting, but there was no power on earth that would make him turn around and sit with them to discuss something they were, apparently, unwilling to follow.

Objectively, Tony knew it wasn’t Steve’s fault. Wanda was the one who fucked up. Truth of the matter was, they wouldn’t be in this mess if Steve had cooperated. He had explicitly told him that signing the initial Accords would be just the first step and that they would adjust them. The man just didn’t listen and decided to become an outlaw out of pure pride. There was little Tony could think of to make it not Steve’s blame.

After hearing that Peter wanted to go to Coney Island and spend the day there, Tony was slightly concerned. He wasn’t the kind of man for those activities, and he would most likely not enjoy any of it. But, Tony had grown protective over Peter, and he wanted to see him having fun. To his surprise, Tony did enjoy himself in Coney Island, and he was glad he got to spend the day with Peter, whatever the circumstances were.

The games were surprisingly entertaining, and Tony explored that competitive side of himself that rarely made itself present. They both had so much fun, and there was nothing he would change. Having lunch was something that was, too, surprising. Peter seemed unfazed by the food and its nutritional content. It did make Tony think he was truly better, and that was relieving. It all seemed so natural and homey; the whole situation was ideal, especially given how the both of them needed to take a break from the Compound and everyone in it.

He wasn’t at all prepared for what Peter revealed to him about what had happened during his fight with the Vulture. It made Tony feel mortified, and he was sure guilt wouldn’t ever leave him. After all, he was sure that Peter would’ve had a much easier time defeating the man if he had worn the suit, he made for him.

But the past is past, and Tony was choosing to do his best to protect Peter when he was out as Spider-Man, so that nothing like that would ever happen again. If Peter had told the truth, then maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that Tony had taken the suit away. That’s what he would have to tell himself every night in order to be able to live with himself. At that very moment, though, Tony promised himself that he would do his best at improving Peter’s suit.

____________________

Being able to spend the drive up with Peter was a moment that he would treasure forever. He knew that they had to go back eventually, but every fiber in him begged him to send them all to hell. He had taken the day to think about what would happen with Wanda, and he had come up with a solution.

Speaking to Steve was the only direction he could take with this matter. The Accords made the perfect excuse for them to decide how Wanda’s powers would be controlled. Making it official business was far better than making the situation a personal one. It was for him, though. The only reason he didn’t want it to take a personal turn was because he had no idea if Peter thought of Tony as personally as he did of him.

Even if he already had a solution, anger still boiled inside him, and it made him even angrier to know that Peter blamed himself for what happened. There wasn’t even an inch of responsibility in the matter that befell Peter, not even one. Anger also grew inside him with Peter’s question about his parents. The anger wasn’t directed at Peter, not at all. He realized how much Steve’s team had taken away from him, and Tony started wondering if they would ever get back to a place in which that wouldn’t matter.

____________________

Rhodey’s reaction was expected and, honestly, understandable. If the situation was reversed, Tony would make sure Rhodey wouldn’t hear the end of it. Thankfully, Rhodey was always understanding of Tony. It seemed like he had grown to truly trust him, so, maybe there was a chance that he would believe that he skipped the meeting for good reason.

Regardless, he didn’t know if it was a good decision to tell Rhodey what happened. He hadn’t yet cooled down, and his anger would be directed to Rhodey instead of who was truly to blame. Trying to make small talk with Bruce and seeing that it wouldn’t work was frustrating and awkward. There was no way they could turn the environment into a normal one, and it was beginning to annoy Tony that even then Steve was messing with his life.

Even if he told himself the contrary, Tony wasn’t paying a lot of attention to Peter. He didn’t exactly know when Peter left the table, but they had s long day; he probably went to bed and didn’t want to intrude.

“Are you not getting how dangerous this is, Tony? They’re going to bring tanks to your front door and take all of you by force. Is that what you want?”
“You know what? Maybe it is.”
“Sorry, what?”
“I’m sick of this, Rhodes, I don’t want to deal with it.”
“C’mon, Tony…”
“You don’t understand. They’re not being careful, and they certainly don’t have a clue about how fragile the Accords are. They don’t give a flying shit, so why should I, huh?”

He was really working on controlling his temper, but he was getting worked up again, especially when he saw Steve’s figure approaching the door. Before getting the call from Happy, Tony was making some adjustments and testing his nanotech bands in the kitchen. It wasn’t the safest setting, but the place was his, and he had little time to do that, so pairing it with his smoothie wasn’t a terrible idea. They were, thankfully, left in the counter next to the fridge, so it was a pretty easy access.

Tony didn’t want to fight them, but he would do anything to protect Peter and prevent Wanda from ever hurting him. To hell with what came next.

Notes:

Hi!! This ended up being such a long chapter with virtually no story progression, I'm so sorry. I hadn't written from Tony's perspective in a while, and I thought it would be nice to see his pov. I'm not really sure how I feel about it, but I don't think I'll rewrite it.

Leave any suggestions in the comments, though!

I'm always open to polite criticism.

Also, receiving comments and kudos is very motivating, so, if you like the story, let me know! I love reading your comments :)

I hope everyone has a nice week! :)

Chapter 27: you've come this far

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

No one could deny that Tony had become, apart from his aunt, the most important person in Peter’s life. There was very little he wouldn’t do for him, and he wanted to act as such. Tony was having a hard time figuring the mess out, Peter knew that much; after all, it was his Compound, and everyone looked at him like he was supposed to be in charge of everything and everyone. If there was anything Peter could do to help him, you could bet he would do it without doubt.

If the day before had proven anything was that Peter was determined to do his part to make things work. After the week he had, it seemed pretty useless to think things would turn for the better. But Saturday morning came around and he woke up in a much more positive mood. All his life Peter tried his best to be amicable and nice; there was no big enough reason for him to stop that now. What happened with Wanda really threw him off his game, but after what he had seen the night before, he wanted to sort it out with her, at least for Tony’s sake.

Truth of the matter was that the Accords couldn’t, wouldn’t, move forward if tensions were as high as they were the night before. Tony held the power in his hands, and the fate of the Rogues was in his hands. It sucked that Peter couldn’t do much to help him, but he knew it was affecting Tony. He seemed stressed out and tired, regardless of how much he tried to play it off cool. Peter didn’t want to fight Tony; it was none of his business. But he knew that Tony was giving his absolute best for the team, and he didn’t want that to go to waste.

Wanda became an important person for Peter since he first talked to her when they got back from the shitshow that was the first Accords meeting in Washington. It was comfortable to talk to her, and it seemed like she understood, which made Peter feel somewhat safe and not as ashamed to be in the Compound. Everyone had been very nice to him, but he felt a special connection with Wanda, and he didn’t want to lose that.

Suddenly, a very clear image of the amazing day Peter had with his aunt and uncle in Coney Island appeared in his mind. If it hadn’t been for Wanda, that treasured memory would’ve stayed locked in the back of his brain. She had used her powers to help him through a tough moment, and he had totally forgotten about it. It made him feel somewhat guilty, but it was still true that, even if she could use them for good, the alternative was dangerous for everyone.

Since he told Tony what had happened, Peter knew there were only two alternatives for how that would unfold. Tony could either go through with what he told Peter and send the Accords to hell, and the Rogues along with them; or Peter would have to intervene to avoid that first one to happen. It was his mess, and he should’ve been the one to deal with it. It was now up to him to talk to Wanda before anyone else, especially Tony, did anything about it.

It had been a while since he actually jogged in the tracks. In theory, he joined Sam the day before, but he barely made it half a lap before he was sprinting towards the garage. Seeing the man there was no surprise. He hadn’t been the one who needed to hide his exhaustion, or who was so lethargic he couldn’t risk anyone seeing him.

At first, Peter thought jogging with Sam would be awkward, and, for a moment, he considered turning around and do whatever else came to mind. Regardless, this was maybe a way for Peter to take the first step towards making amends with them. Sam was definitely one of the rational ones from the Rogues, along with Natasha. When Steve wasn’t there, Sam had a mind of his own, and it was much easier to reason with him. This was as good time as it could for them to talk.

“Hey, kid; good morning.”
“Hi, Sam.”
“Sleep good?”
“Yeah, I guess. You?”
“Can’t complain.”

For a moment the environment turned incredibly awkward, and Peter regretted having gone out. Something told him, though, that it was nothing to worry about, and that he was probably overreacting. It was still overwhelming, much to his dismay. Peter was loyal to Tony, so it put him in a very uncomfortable position to be there with Sam.

“So, kid, I gotta ask; what’s your take?”
“Uhm, I’m sorry?”
“Cmon, don’t play naïve.”
“I just really wish things weren’t this way, you know?”
“I hear you.”
“Then why don’t you do anything about it?”

His intention never was for his voice to come out so hostile. Truthfully, he didn’t understand why they couldn’t cooperate. Tony already made sure that they would have a say in the content of the Accords, so Peter didn’t understand why they didn’t take advantage of that and just cooperate.

“Gee, kid, don’t get so worked up.”
“I’m sorry, Sam, I didn’t mean it like that, I swear.”
“It’s alright, Pete, no harm.”
“So...”
“Look, kid, it’s not that easy. We all want things to work but it’s much easier said than done.”
“Then why did you go all on the offensive last night?”
“We weren’t – we didn’t; we want to support Steve, that’s all. He’s done a lot for us, you know?”
“Well, yes, but he’s not the only one who’s worried about it.”
“I know you think Stark does –”
“I don’t think, Sam, I know how much he’s doing for all of you. Maybe you don’t see it, but I do, and it would be nice if you trusted him for a minute.”
“Would you do it if you were us?”

Now that was a hard question for Peter to answer. It was very hard to come up with a reasonable answer, but he couldn’t come up with anything. His gut told him that he would blindly trust Tony, that much was clear. But he hadn’t really considered how they took it. Regardless, it seemed a little selfish of them to give zero attention to what the majority of the governments of the world were asking for.

“I don’t know. What I know is that he has the best intentions and is really doing his best to keep the team together and keep you all from being arrested.”

For a short moment they jogged in silence. What Peter could make of it was that Sam was thinking things through, hopefully trying to understand where Peter was coming from. Peter hoped with all his heart that he would make his presence in the Compound worthwhile and help with what he could.

“Maybe you’re right; maybe Stark’s not so bad.”
“He’s not, at all.”
“I guess we’ll see.”

Silence retook its place, and now Peter was wondering when the right moment would be. He knew since he first saw Sam that he wanted to talk about Wanda. It seemed like something he could use when he actually went and talked to her. Maybe talking to someone other than Tony or the mirror about it would be nice; hopefully get some of the anger out so that he didn’t lay it all on her.”

“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever been afraid of, uhm, Wanda’s powers?”
“Oh, that.”
“I’m sorry, it’s totally cool if you don’t want to talk about it. It’s probably fine, forget I asked.”
“I won’t say that I feel completely safe when that red thing starts floating in her hands. But, Pete, she uses her powers when she feels threatened, mad, or scared; it’s only logical, but she’s working on it.”

Peter had to gather all the strength within him not to snap at Sam. What had Peter done for Wanda to feel threatened, mad, or scared? There was something wrong with what Sam thought about her powers, and Peter thought it was completely messed up. How was she working on it? What Peter had seen of Wanda’s powers since he arrived wasn’t something he’d necessarily catalogue as restraint. Granted, he didn’t know what everyone expected of her and her abilities, but it still felt off.

“Shouldn’t she be able to control it?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you know, it’s been a while now, and uhm, I guess I thought she would’ve had them under control? I don’t really know, uhm, it’s obviously different from everyone.”
“We’re working on it, kid, there’s nothing to worry about, you don’t need to be scared.”
“Oh, okay.”

Most of Peter’s recent months had been lived in fear, and Wanda was just a tiny spec of it. It was almost laughable when Sam said that Peter shouldn’t be scared; that was a pretty futile goal. Now that he knew how volatile Wanda’s powers truly were, Peter didn’t know if he would ever not be scared of her again.

But he knew what it was to not understand your powers. His enhancements were in no circumstance a match to hers, or even comparable in any possible level, but he did relate to that lost feeling when you’re barely starting to get a grip on who you are with those new abilities. Maybe it wasn’t the greatest idea, but Peter wanted to help her.

Not many ideas came to mind, though. After all, her powers were like no other he had ever seen before, and it was a pretty hit and miss thing for them to do. But Peter was willing to try. Apparently, but unbelievably to him, he was one of the strongest inhabitants of the Compound, so, given his enhancements, he probably was the best choice for her to train with, with the least chance of getting hurt.

Peter really wanted to trust her again, and he was willing to try. It was a win-win situation for everyone, really. Peter, for one, would stop being scared of her; Wanda would surely feel more comfortable with her powers; and, most importantly, Tony would have something less to worry about. Peter did not want to put any more troubles in his plate on his account, so it was something he had to do for the man.

“Do you, maybe, uhm, want to have breakfast with me?”
“That would be nice, kid. I don’t think it would be a wise choice, though. I will meet up with Steve to talk things over. Unless that’s a conversation you want to be part of?”
“Nope.”
“Figured. Thank you, kid, but maybe next time, yeah?”
“Sure.”
“Then I’ll see you later, Pete.”
“Uhm, Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think you could try to explain to Steve, uhm, what we talked? You know, uhm, about Tony?”
“Sure thing, kid. You probably won’t believe me, but nobody wants to work things out with Tony more than Steve; it’ll be okay.”
“Right. Well, thanks!”
“We can talk it over at dinner, if you’re up for cooking, that is.”
“Sounds good.”

____________________

Peter’s bedroom in the Compound had become a safe place, and, to some degree, the entire left building felt like he had a space in it, unlike the right building. But the kitchen was a place he couldn’t figure out how to feel. He hadn’t really had a truly nice experience there. There was always an uncomfortable feel to it, and Peter desperately wanted to feel differently.

Food had always been a social entity on its own. There were very little social situations that didn’t involve food, and that was something Peter couldn’t wrap his head around. Living with Tony and the Avengers was every child’s dream, and it was truly tragic that Peter wasted those moments by being scared of the kitchen. Regardless, most of the experiences he had so far in the kitchen of the left building weren’t really enjoyable, most of them getting scolded or with a disappointed look in Tony and Pepper’s faces.

Who knows? Maybe this time it would change things for the better. Peter had felt a rush that he couldn’t quite explain when he felt the energy to defend Tony the night before, and it was something he didn’t want to let go of. He knew that food gave him that fuel to keep up; otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to spend the entire day with Tony in Coney Island the day before. But there was a nagging voice in his head that screamed at him to run the other way and never return.

There was the chance that it could just not be worth it, eating. By now he knew that being lighter made him faster, but it also made him weaker, which defeated the entire purpose. But eating also meant getting bigger, which slowed him down. It had become really hard for him to discern whether he was avoiding food out of habit, or if he had gone too far and he just couldn’t tell what was healthy anymore. It was pathetic, really. He was supposed to be smart and do better and having these discussions in his head made him feel as stupid as ever.

Ultimately, Peter knew that the day would demand energy out of him, and, truthfully, he wanted to go out on patrol again. He hadn’t gone out since Wednesday, and he was starting to feel useless. Breakfast, he had heard, was the most important meal of the day, so Peter tried his best to pack it up with protein. He chose to have scrambled eggs with ham and a banana. Choosing that last one was a rash decision, but he knew that his body needed it now, so it couldn’t be that bad.

As he was eating and almost halfway through his plate, Peter realized how hard of a time he was having at ignoring his instinct to purge. It was like he could feel every bit of food adhering to his body, and it was very uncomfortable. Knowing how quickly he could get rid of it was frustrating, as he couldn’t well do that now, hearing both Rhodey and Tony coming down the stairs.

“All I’m saying is that you need to keep your mind open, Tony.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”
“You know we need you.”
“I’m well aware.”
“Then why are you making this so difficult, huh?”

Chances are Peter could’ve purged right then and there and the men wouldn’t have noticed. They were too wrapped up in their conversation to notice Peter. They went to the counter where to coffee maker was and continued talking there. Choosing to remain silent as to avoid getting in the middle of it, Peter continued eating his banana as silently as he could, mildly hurt that they didn’t acknowledge his presence.

“You know that call I talked to you about? That particularly annoying one with Ross?”
“What about it?”
“I spent my entire morning working on stuff for the Accords, and it’s enraging that they won’t do their part.”
“What did you come up with?”

If Peter didn’t know any better, Rhodey was diverting Tony’s focus from the whole issue with Steve to the Accords, which was something slightly easier to talk about. Peter knew that Tony would much rather talk about something he could fix, rather than deal with someone he couldn’t get to an agreement.

“Oh, you know, nothing major, new tech, different types of plausible intervention-worthy situations, increasing funds, stuff like that.”
“You really put a lot of thought into it, didn’t you?”
“Surprised?”
“The good type.”
“You better.”
“We need to talk it with Steve and the others, Tony.”

It seemed like something had taken over his body and an instinct took over Peter. Rhodey was in no way, shape, or form a threat to Tony, but he could see that his expression shifted into an uncomfortable one in a matter of seconds. It was pretty evident that he didn’t want to talk to them, and Peter really wanted to help any way he could.

“Uhm, good morning, Mr. Stark; good morning, Rhodey.”
“Oh, hey, kid, how’s it going?”
“How long have you been there?”
“Uhm, a while. I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for, Pete.”
“Mr. Stark, if it’s okay with you; if you’re not too busy, I kinda wanted to talk to you about a couple of things? If it’s okay, it’s totally cool if you can’t, but I was just thinking about these upgrades and I thought that maybe we could –”
“It’s okay, Pete. I’ll catch you both later.”
“Thanks, sourpatch, see you later.”

Apparently, there was an unspoken agreement between all three of them that it was better to leave the topic at that. Peter didn’t for a minute think he had any say in the matter, but he was grateful that his intervention seemed to help Tony; he felt useful. It was also fantastic to see that Rhodey also noticed that it would be best to give Tony space to process everything and to think things through, so, maybe, he thought that Peter was the person to help him with that; however that would go.

“So, kid, spit it out, what are those couple of things you wanted to talk about?”
“Uhm, yeah, right. Uhm, I just thought that, uhm; you know that thing you had yesterday when, uhm, Steve was here?”
“What about it?”
“It’s nanotechnology, right?”
“Yup.”
“Was my suit – I’m sorry, the suit you offered me back then nanotech, too?”
“Yes, Peter, your suit is embedded with nanotech, but it hasn’t been updated in a while. Wanna jump on that? We can work on it after breakfast.”
“Actually, Mr. Stark, I kinda wanted to work out a bit? Would it be okay if we did that later?”

Saying no to Tony was a really stupid decision. In any other scenario he would’ve dropped everything to spend time with Tony, especially if it meant working on Spider-Man equipment. Honestly, Peter almost took back what he said and dropped what he had in mind to spend time with him, but he had to be strong.

Lying to Tony sucked, but this time he wouldn’t regret it. There seemed to be, in Peter’s mind, no better time to talk to Wanda than before lunch. If things went right, then he could tell Tony about it after lunch. But, in the off chance they didn’t, he could simply spend the afternoon collecting his emotions to try and be cool when he saw her for dinner.

“Is everything okay, Pete?”
“Yeah, sure, why wouldn’t it be?”
“You’re not obsessively exercising again, are you?”
“What? Of course not, I just thought that I haven’t really had the chance to work out the past few days so I thought it would be good to get back on track, you know? I am still Spider-Man.”
“Huh.”
“I’m serious, Mr. Stark, I’m trying to eat more, and I do feel stronger, but I want to test the waters, you know? Reboot my system a bit.”

It wasn’t a lie. He really was eating more, and he was feeling stronger. What he couldn’t tell him was that he was deceiving him so that he could go talk to Wanda. Either way, it was better to reassure the man that everything was fine. Peter shouldn’t be an additional concern to him.

“I promise everything’s fine, Mr. Stark.”
“You sure? You better not go passing out in the gym.”
“I couldn’t if I wanted to, to be honest.”
“What was that?”
“Uhm, nothing, Mr. Stark, really.”
“Enlighten me, why couldn’t you pass out? What does that even mean?”
“Well, you know, uhm, I’m enhanced.”
“Very much aware; what with it?”
“Well, the equipment you have here aren’t really, uhm, challenging?”
“What now?”
“I kinda tried a while ago to the maximum setting, I’m guessing that’s Steve’s, but it was nothing.”
“Huh.”
“It’s not that they’re not great, Mr. Stark, I just thought we could kinda do something to them to improve my strength? It’s okay if it’s not possible.”
“Actually, kid, I think it’s a great idea.”
“Awesome.”
“Let’s talk it over after lunch, sound good?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, thank you.”

____________________

“Ms. Maximoff is on his way, Peter.”
“Thanks, FRIDAY.”

Ever since he became Spider-Man Peter tried his best to ignore his fears and just do what he thought was right. If he had a different mindset, he probably would’ve spared himself a particularly painful weekend after the Vulture incident; but then again, he would now have Tony’s tech in his hands. Fear was something he had learned to live with, and this time it was no different than the ones before.

The day before, when he spent every minute with Tony helped him calm down after that very real fear of the morning. Being with Tony made Peter feel safe, and he knew for a fact that nothing would happen to him. It was embarrassing, or so Peter thought. He felt like a child who needed saving, and he hated the fact that, if he did need help, he would be getting in the way of Tony’s responsibilities. Still, it was nice to know he would be safe around Tony.

In theory, Wanda hadn’t messed with his brain just yet. The only time she actually got into his brain was to show him a beautiful memory of his family. If he hadn’t known the horrors that her powers could do, Peter would’ve been in awe an excited. But now that he knew how her powers could go wrong, and everything at stake with his issues, Peter was scared. But, still, he took the chance.

Seeing Wanda approaching to the bench was nerve-wracking. He felt a chill going up his spine, but he knew, his senses knew, that there was no real threat. I was his mind overthinking everything. Hopefully it would stop soon, because he really wanted to focus and have a real chat with her.

“Hey Peter, FRIDAY said you wanted to meet me here.”
“Uhm, yeah, hi.”

If his eyes weren’t deceiving him, Wanda seemed guilty, ashamed almost. It was sad, but in a way comforting, given the circumstances. It seemed like she was tiptoeing around him, that much Peter knew. She was evidently uncomfortable, and Peter deeply hoped his own awkwardness wasn’t too evident. After all, he had been the one to call her to the lake, so it was only natural that he would take charge of the conversation.

“Actually, uhm, I actually wanted to talk to you about, uhm, yesterday.”
“So did I, Peter; I’m really sorry.”
“Your powers, you know are really cool, but would it be okay if you give me a heads-up next time?”
“What?”
“Uhm, I just, uhm, I guess I felt scared? I feel like you broke our trust, and I just didn’t want to keep this to myself, so, yeah.”
“I’m sorry, Peter. I just know something’s wrong.”

For a moment, Peter’s breath got caught in his throat and he felt trapped. In his mind, she was raising her hands to use her powers against him again, so, instinctively, Peter slightly backed away. Much to his surprise, the red hue that did go in his head wasn’t scary, but instead comforting. This time there was no image, no memory; it was just a feeling, and it gave him the certainty that she was good and wouldn’t do anything against him. At least that was what Peter hoped.

“I won’t do anything that could hurt you, Peter, see?”
“Oh, okay, this is pretty cool.”
“I’m here for you, Peter, and I’ll do what I can to help you if you need me to.”

After that, there was a weird silence. It wasn’t necessarily awkward, but it was very similar as the one they shared when they first talked all those weeks ago. Peter took the time to digest everything that had happened. It was great to see that they were on the same page, and he really appreciated that she used her powers to make him feel safe. But, now, he had to find a way to tell Tony that he had cleared things up with her; she didn’t really know, though.

“So, Peter, I wanted to ask you.”
“Yes?”
“What does Tony think about all of this?”
“Uhm, well, he’s trying his best, he really is.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I think he really wants this to work out, you know?”
“I want that, too.”

Once again, silence came, but this time it seemed intentional; like they had taken a break to think about what to say. Peter didn’t want to break Tony’s trust. He would be caught dead before he did that. So, to try and follow through with that, he tried to be as vague as possible about what had been discussed in the left building. Peter had no place gossiping about who said what, that wasn’t for him to mess with.

“You’re good for the team, Peter.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you’re Tony’s protégé, almost his kid –”
“Oh, that’s not true, I think he keeps me here because of Spider-Man.”
“I know that’s not right. Either way, you can be the common ground, you know?”
“What do you mean?”
“You could talk to him; maybe he’ll listen to you.”
“Yeah, maybe.”

____________________

Having talked to Wanda gave Peter a sense of peace he didn’t expect from a simple conversation. It felt nice to have that sorted out; to have done the small thing he could to help make things right. But Peter was resilient, and he wasn’t about to stop there.

The rest of the morning was spent researching everything about the Accords and what could be done, but, most importantly, what he could do. What he didn’t expect was to be overwhelmed with the amount of information available. The one thing that concerned him the most was the fact that the current Accords stated that any enhanced with secret identities must give up the secrecy and make their names public, along with biometric data and DNA samples.

Maybe it was a great thing that Tony told him that he shouldn’t join the team just yet. Those were things Peter didn’t want to ever agree to. The further he read, the more scared he grew, and it was very much freaking him out.

His identity being revealed would be a massive disaster. For one, he was a minor, and he was pretty sure there were no specific clauses for enhanced children. On the other was what could happen to his aunt if the world knew she was aunt to Spider-Man, he didn’t ever want to expose her to that world. And lastly was Tony. It would certainly not be a good look for everyone to know that Iron Man allowed a minor to swing around New York as a vigilante, it would probably be a huge problem for him.

There was way too much information, and it was overwhelming Peter far beyond anything he imagined. When he sat down to research the Accords, Peter expected to read a bit about Ross and about Berlin. But he didn’t for a second think about what that would mean for Spider-Man.

To try and distract himself, Peter shifted his focus from the Accords to something else – food. It was pleasantly surprising to see how much energy he had. It was amazing to see how his enhancements were restarting, and how good he was feeling.

His enhanced senses were failing him, almost disappearing, since the man tried to commit suicide. It had shaken him to his core, and it had been a mess since then. But he wanted to go out as Spider-Man again, and hearing from afar, and knowing when someone was about to hurt him were definitely very handy perks that came with the bite.

Eating couldn’t be that bad, right? He could see that he felt stronger, and he knew he had more energy. Regardless, images of a very young woman flashed in his brain, and memories of Sophie halted everything he was thinking about. Had he been faster, Sophie would be alive.

It was infuriatingly frustrating to see he couldn’t have it all. It was strength or speed, and those were both things he severely needed to be a worthy Spider-Man. It was getting hard for him to choose which path to follow, and with that, the plan that would allow him to go on; his lungs could definitely feel it, and hyperventilation was making its way to him. Thankfully, it stopped.

“Mr. Stark is waiting for you downstairs for lunch.”
“Thank you, FRIDAY.”

____________________

Unsurprisingly, only Bruce, Rhodey, and Tony were sitting at the dining table. Much like the meals they had in the main kitchen, the food was laid buffet style in the kitchen island; but, this time there was a significantly less amount, and Peter didn’t know how to feel about that. The banter and chatter were sometimes annoying, but he was starting to realize that it was becoming familiar, and he missed it.

Trying to carefully pick his food, he served himself a small steak, a spoonful of potatoes, and a big portion of salad. Even if he had been freaking out earlier about what happened to Spohie because of him, Peter was feeling strong, and he didn’t want to lose that. He simply followed his instinct and served himself what he thought appropriate. Apparently, he was right. It didn’t at all freak him out, instead enjoying the meal; it made him happy.

The conversation was weird, to say the least. Talking about the Accords was avoided like it was the plague, instead talking about new facilities and the cradle they had been working on. The environment wasn’t necessarily comfortable, but it wasn’t bad enough for it to be tense. Everyone sat at the table recognized the elephant in the room, but, at least as far as Peter could tell, no one wanted to ruin the lunch by talking about such a complicated topic.

“I’m heading to New York; I’m meeting up with an old colleague. We’ll continue working on the cradle tomorrow, Tony?”
“Sounds good, Bruce.”
“Oh, you’re going to New York? Let me give you a ride, I’m headed to the United Nations Headquarters to pick up some paperwork.”
“That would be great, Rhodey, thanks.”
“Well, kid, it’s now me and you here; what do you say we work on that nanotech suit of yours?”
“Sounds great, Mr. Stark!”

____________________

The comfort that came with entering Tony’s lab was something that was very hardly explainable. He had only known the man for less than a year but spending time with him was something that gave Peter a weirdly homey feeling. He wouldn’t ever say no to that, though. Now that May was in Europe, Peter really needed to feel that, and any situation that provided that type of comfort was welcome with both arms wide open.

“I’m sure you know by now, we use matter in the smallest scare for the suit, right, kid?”
“Uhm, yeah, sure.”
“Well, here’s the suit. I’m sure you remember.”

Suddenly, Tony unlocked a compartment in his lab and the suit came in its magnificent self to Peter’s eyesight. He had almost forgotten how beautiful it was, and its capabilities surely outmatched its beauty. Peter was in awe, and truly speechless. It was now hilarious to him to think about how serious Tony was when offering him a place in the Avengers, and it not being a test.

“The nanites work with each other to create whatever it is you want for your suit. We have it all here, kid. Over there are carbon nanotubes, nanopillars and nanorods. Lord knows how useful they were when creating my own.”
“It’s amazing, Mr. Stark, I don’t know what to say.”
“How about you tell me what would you like added to the suit? We’re gonna have to create a new suit from scratch, that model is old, and you need a proper upgrade.”
“Uhm, well, I thought about retroreflective panels, you know?”
“Really?”
“Well, when the whole Vulture thing happened, having the element of surprise would’ve been dope.”
“Let’s get to it then.”

For the next two hours, Peter sat next to Tony as he explained to him what he was doing and why he needed to store the already set up nanites in a nanite chamber. Apparently, it took a very meticulous process to codify it, and they certainly wouldn’t be able to get through all of the suit that afternoon.

Peter felt slightly stupid, though. It was mesmerizing to sit by Tony’s side and watch him work in his element, but he wasn’t needed, he was just occupying space and hearing him rambling about how it worked. He wouldn’t let that be known; how could he? There was no universe in which he would pass the opportunity to be there.

“Mr. Stark?”
“What’s up, Pete?”
“How are you incorporating nanotech in the Iron Man armor?”
“Well, there’s the basics, but I’m also including new features.”
“Like what?”
“Some shields, and a bunch of different blasts.”
“That’s very cool.”
“It is, kid. T’Challa is bringing over materials sometime this month, I think you’ll like how the vibranium works with the nanites.”
“You mean the king of Wakanda?”
“Yup.”
“Oh, wow.”
“You better collect some better manners for when you actually meet him.”
“Mr. Stark, what’s going to happen with the Accords?”

Peter hated interrupting the conversation so abruptly. It was rude to cut Tony off, and under different circumstances, he would’ve crawled under the earth in embarrassment. But a part of him knew it was important, regardless of how Tony immediately stopped working and looked at him with an intensity that intimidated Peter.

“Why the sudden interest?”
“I did tell you yesterday, so it’s not sudden, you know? I’d say it’s more of a casual intrigue kind of thing. Not the devoted kind but –”
“Peter. Out with it.”
“I talked to Sam and Wanda this morning.”
“And you didn’t think to tell me?”
“I was going to tell you, but you seemed busy, and I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“What were you thinking?”
“Huh?”
“It was irresponsible, Peter. You don’t know them like I do.”
“I know, Mr. Stark, but –”
“They could’ve hurt you.”
“But they didn’t.”
“But they could’ve, and you didn’t hear me.”
“I did listen to you, but it was fine, really. I didn’t feel any threat. Seriously, it went okay.”

For a moment Peter was scared that Tony would react badly at what he would tell them about their conversations. It was very obvious that Tony didn’t want to talk about them, much less talk to them. And, honestly, he couldn’t blame the man. He knew for sure why he acted like that. But he didn’t want to risk the relationship he had with him, so he hoped that he would actually listen to him.

“What did you talk about?”
“Well, one thing for sure is that they really want this to work out.”
“Seems… unlikely.”
“They also said they’re want to talk things over at dinner.”
“Huh.”
“I also talked to Wanda, she’s been working with Sam on how to control her powers.”
“You know I appreciate your effort, Peter, right? It’s not easy to trust them.”
“How did you come to trust me?”
“Bold of you to assume I trust you.”

In his heart, Peter knew that Tony was joking, but it still hurt. He had his share of fuck ups, and most of them directly affected Tony, so it would only be logical that he wouldn’t trust him.

“I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, kid. I saw what you did, and you’re a good person, Pete. I trusted my instincts.”
“Why can’t that happen with them?”
“We have a history, Peter. That’s not easy to ignore. If only you had met Cap before all this crap; he was a very different man from who he is now that he has Barnes.”
“Oh?”
“You see, kid, they were friends since childhood; he completely shifted who he was and how he thought when he learned Barnes was alive. And hell, I can’t blame him.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“We’re adults, Peter. It’s very different to trust a kid than to trust an adult; dare I say a senior citizen.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“So, you understand?”
“I do, I really do; but maybe it’s worth giving it a shot?”
“I guess we’ll see.”

____________________

Dinner time came and everyone was starting to come into the main kitchen as Sam was taking the salmon out of the oven. Peter was in charge of the pasta and salad, and he didn’t have the freakout he was certain he would have. It was nice to get to spend time with Sam talking about stuff that had nothing to do with the Accords, instead just chatting about sports and university prospects.

It was undeniable that no one wanted to be there, instead wanting to turn around and run to avoid talking to each other. But evidently, Sam wasn’t having any of it, and, in all honesty, neither was Peter.

“Peter and I made a pretty decent meal so sit your asses down and enjoy the food.”

Everyone in the room smiled at him, but only him. Maybe Wanda was right, and he was the middle ground. It seemed like no one really cared what he thought of the whole thing, and Peter wasn’t yet sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

The usual chatter wasn’t there, and everyone was in their little conversations, keeping to themselves. Tony was talking to Bruce and Rhodey, who had returned an hour prior; Wanda, Clint, Bucky, and Steve were talking lowly, and Peter heard it was about the Accords; they were trying to figure out what to say. Sometimes having super hearing served him just right.

Tony, surprisingly, didn’t go away, and it warmed Peter’s heart because he knew no one could tell him otherwise, which was a huge thing for Peter. It was pretty unclear to Peter where he was getting the courage from, but he lightly nudged Tony’s arm, who, in return, rolled his eyes and took charge of the conversation.

“Okay, here’s what’s gonna happen: we’re gonna sort this shit out here and now.”
“Tony, if you would just –”
“I’m not done, Steve.”
“Go on.”
“Your stay here shouldn’t be taken for granted, and you lot need to realize that Ross will have no problem kicking you out of here. There’s a lot on the line, and you better start taking things seriously, otherwise I’m gonna pack things up and leave you all to deal with Ross on your own.”
“We’d like that, Tony. I’m sorry for what happened yesterday.”
“I, on my part, am really sorry, it won’t happen again.”

Hearing Wanda talking was something Peter didn’t expect at all. Peter felt safe when Tony huffed and rolled his eyes; he knew he didn’t trust her, and it gave him some comfort, even though he had technically sorted things out with her.

“Now that that’s been cleared and we’re cool, Tony?”
“We don’t have any more time, folks. Ross called earlier this week, we have until July 27th to deliver something, otherwise he’ll make good on his promise.”
“What else?”
“See, Steve, we haven’t done shit these past few weeks. It’s time we get to work.”
“Tomorrow morning, sounds good to everyone? We’ll start drafting right away.”

Everyone silently nodded and continued on with their conversations, evidently more comfortable now that they were talking to each other, even having Steve talking to Rhodey about his trip to the United Nations Headquarters in New York. It seemed like the perfect time, and Peter didn’t want to miss the opportunity.

“Mr. Stark? Is it cool if I go out on patrol?”
“Are you feeling up to it, pal? You didn’t look so hot this week.”
“I’m all better now, feeling great, actually.”
“You sure?”
“I can report back.”
“I’d like that.”
“Is our little spider dude going out to work?”
“Back off, Clint, you wish you could be as cool as Pete.”
“No need to get snarky, Stark; who knew spiders could swing all the way to the city?”
“You sure you don’t need a lift, kid? I could drop you off.”
“I’m sure I’m safer with my webs than with your wings, Sam.”
“Ouch.”
“You’re gonna be great, kid; don’t let these idiots fool you.”

It was nice to see everyone bantering again, and Peter didn’t mind at all. He thought it was funny, actually. After all, New York wasn’t necessarily close to the Compound, and it was true that swinging all the way to the city was a little incredible. But he enjoyed the thought of it, so he ate faster and got out of the main kitchen to change and finally feel like his mind and soul were complete.

____________________

The last time he was out on patrol Peter felt like his lungs were collapsing, and like his world was ending. Now, though, he had food in his system, and it was paying off. He felt strong and fast. It was probably the salmon; it surely gave him a hell lot of protein and vitamins to keep up with himself. Maybe the way to go was to keep track of healthier foods and his macros intake, maybe then he’d have actual control over what he ate taking regard of his speed and strength.

As soon as he got to northern Queens, Peter saw smoke in the far south of the borough, and he could smell the burning all the way to the north. He swung as fast as his arms allowed him to, and he arrived in a horrific scene. There were firefighters and people covered in ashes crying outside. It took all of his focus to find the best course of action, and finally he did.

As fast as he could, Peter helped the people who were still inside out. The firemen couldn’t well reach them, and Peter was fairly sure his suit protected him enough from a couple flames. The building was collapsing, so he had to hold up the structure so that the firemen took the remaining people out of there. It was something that brought not so very nice memories back to him, and it felt weird.

Peter could already feel the heat in his hands, and they were starting to get burned; so, he took all the strength he had in him to pull it up as much as he could to get out; not before checking there was no one else around. God, was he glad he ate that salmon. His enhanced hearing helped him be sure that there was no one else in the building, and Karen confirmed it, saying he could clear out.

He wanted to take off his mask more than anything, but he couldn’t well do that in front of the crowd. He started swinging west, and the sound of an applauding crowd filled Peter’s heart with pride and happiness for a job well done.

He arrived in Manhattan faster than he thought possible and took off his mask in one of the higher buildings, as to not risk being seen. It was such a rush, and there was probably nothing bad enough that would wipe the smile off his face. He wanted to continue enjoying the moment, but he promised Tony he’d report, so he did.

“Hey, Karen? Could you please ring up Tony?”
“Sure thing, Peter.”
“Hey kid, everything alright?”
“Everything’s great, Mr. Stark!”
“Do tell; anything exciting?”
“So, there was this burning building, right? And I got there as fast as I could and held the building up and then people sta–”
“Stop for a damn second, kid. You did what?”
“It wasn’t a big deal.”
“Are you sure everything’s fine? No need of help?”
“I’m okay, Mr. Stark, really.”

After having taken that small break to take it all in and report back to Tony, Peter went back to duty and returned to Queens to keep it safe. As most nights went, Peter stopped several robberies and helped women get home safe. After what happened with Sophie, Peter took any chance he could to help women who were alone arrive at their destination. It was incredibly sad how most of them thanked him, saying they were scared to be alone at that time.

All in all, it was a very successful night. It had been a while since he last felt so satisfied with himself after patrol, and there was no holding him back. At 11pm he started swinging north to head back to the Compound. He had learned his lesson from the first time he went on patrol since living at the Compound, and he didn’t want to screw up again.

It wasn’t really his plan, not that he had one, really; but he landed in the right building, where an intimidating figure was waiting for him. Usually, Peter got scared to see someone waiting for him after patrol; after all, his identity was supposed to be a secret, so, knowing someone saw him enter the Compound scared Peter, out of pure habit.

Natasha was in the top floor of the right building. It didn’t look like she was doing something in particular, almost like she took that time to herself. Peter felt immediately bad for intruding, much like he did the first time he talked to Wanda by the lake.

“Not that I’m complaining, but this is becoming a habit of ours to meet after your patrolling hours are over.”

Peter took off his mask and smiled at her, the familiar face becoming increasingly comforting every time he saw her. It was really hard to understand why he felt that type of comfort with her. She didn’t have the maternal instincts thar May and Pepper surely had; it was something different, like he knew she would keep his secrets and wouldn’t ever betray him. It was probably a false hope. After all, she was a spy, and it was her job to know everyone’s secrets; but, still, he felt safe with her.

“How was patrol? Any particular reason the red turned to black?”
“Oh, there was this fire and I kinda had to get in the building to get some people out.”
“That’s amazing, Peter; you’re a hero.”
“I’m not, really. It was the right thing to do.”
“Whatever you say, kid.”
“What are you doing up here?”
“The Accords suck, don’t they?”
“Yeah, I can understand that.”
“Everyone downstairs keeps talking about that and I’m sick of it.”
“Hopefully you’ll be able to get everything sorted out soon.”
“Here’s to hoping.”

For a moment, the floor fell silent, and it was just him, Natasha and the wind sharing space. He wasn’t at all complaining; it was nice to have a place like that to take a breath after patrol. That used to be his room when he snuck back inside, but this was a very welcome change.

“Anyway, Peter, I’m curious; how did you come to get close to Tony?”
“Oh, I don’t think we’re close. I care about him a lot, you know? He’s done so much for me. But I’m probably, uhm, just a kid from Queens, you know?”

Her laugh was something unexpected and foreign. He didn’t remember the last time he heard her laugh, if ever. Peter didn’t understand why she was laughing; it didn’t make sense to him.

“That’s not at all true, Peter.”
“What do you mean?”
“Tony’s not an open person, and he definitely doesn’t show his feelings at all.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“He seems to do so just fine with you; and he’s pretty defensive of you.”
“I just think it’s out of professional responsibility, you know? He got stuck with me.”
“I know he cares about you, Pete – he probably loves you more than he cares to admit.”
“I don’t know, but he is one of the most important people in my life.”
“I’m sure you are in his, too.”

Notes:

Hey guys! I know the ending of this chapter was different, for a lack of a better word. I liked this chapter, but I want to hear your thoughts!

Leave kudos and comments if you're enjoying the story! it's really encouraging :)

I hope everyone has a nice week!

Chapter 28: you're all cleaned up

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Waking up and being excited about the day was something Peter didn’t know much of. It was something that just wasn’t frequent in his life, so he assumed it just wasn’t possible anymore. That Sunday morning proved him wrong, though. It was 6am and he didn’t for a second worry about hiding what he was ashamed of or concerned about what lies he would tell during the day, disappointing those who he cared about.

Instead of having his thoughts clouded by calories and food, Peter’s brain took a very particular path and it decided to focus on Tony; more specifically, what Wanda and Natasha said about his relationship with him. When he first met Tony, Peter was obviously flabbergasted; after all, he was his childhood hero. After the ferry fiasco Peter was sure he would never hear of the man again, and it broke him down. But, after the plane incident with the Vulture, Peter recognized that Tony was being nicer to him, and Peter knew it was out of gratitude.

Wanda and Natasha were saying that Tony was like a father to Peter, and it confused him beyond words could possibly explain. Yes, Peter had seen Tony as a father figure on several occasions; and, yes, he sought his approval and guidance for most things in his life; but he hadn’t ever stopped to think about what that meant. After his parents died, Ben was left as Peter’s father figure. Now that Ben was gone, Peter didn’t really know if that’s a role that needed to be filled; mostly because he couldn’t think of anyone who would do that.

But now Tony Stark was there, and it really confused Peter. He so desperately wanted to have that guidance in his life; something farther from hero business. Regardless, Peter knew Tony wouldn’t really care much for him were it not for Spider-Man or for fear of May. Still to that day Peter couldn’t really understand why Tony had taken him in with May gone to Europe. A part of him really wanted to believe that Spider-Man wasn’t the only reason Tony kept him around.

Spider-Man really changed Peter’s life, and it was a little hard to grasp how much. It was such a coincidence that it was him who was bitten by the spider, and Peter constantly wondered if it was a blessing or a curse.

He got to save people every single night because of the powers he had been given, and it was something he wouldn’t change for anything. Because of the bite Peter was waking up in a room in front of Bruce Banner and living with the Avengers, it was really unimaginable that it happened to him.

But ever since he got bitten, his life became much more complicated. Lying sucked, and he hated keeping half of his life a secret. May was someone he specifically thought about when debating whether being Spider-Man was a good or a bad thing. She loved him so so much, and Peter wondered what would happen if she ever found out about him. It would definitely not be a good thing.

One thing he would never dare deny was that he felt infinitely grateful for the technology he had access to thanks to Spider-Man. Tony really went out of his way to give Peter a suit that made being Queens’ vigilante so much easier – and safer –. Now with the nanotech that was being created for him, Peter really couldn’t believe it was his life. Tony was a genius, and it was incredibly mesmerizing to see him work on something for Peter; grateful didn’t even begin to cover what Peter felt towards the man, it was too hard to put into words.

When Tony first recruited him to fight the Rogues, Peter worried that he wouldn’t be good enough; now that Tony kept him around after Germany, maybe it was possible that he was good enough. Though Peter didn’t really know if he’d ever trust the Rogues enough to fight with them. Steve was a good man, that much Peter knew for a fact. But it was definitely hard to see through the pain that he caused Tony.

Maybe his time at the Compound would help Peter see him with nicer eyes, but he doubted he would ever not feel wary about them. Steve was such an icon for the whole country, and it was hard to find a flaw. Now that he thought about it, Peter realized something he couldn’t believe he missed.

The 4th of July was a day most people knew as Independence Day, but Peter knew it was also, ironically, Steve’s birthday. It was very much on-brand with his whole personality. Though no one did anything about it. If Peter’s memory didn’t fail him, the day of Steve’s birthday was the day they had that ‘training’ session in the shooting range, but no one even acknowledge it was Steve’s birthday.

It was true that he didn’t fully trust them, but it was Steve’s 100th birthday, and Peter thought it was absolutely outrageous that no one did anything about it. He was in such a nice mood he decided he wanted to plan something to celebrate his birthday, it was just too good an opportunity to pass. He obviously had to talk to Tony first, though. Not only was he the one who would pay for everything, but Peter wasn’t sure if that’s something Tony would accept, given the circumstances. He’d have to wait and see.

The day was full of promise and possibilities, and Peter was determined to make the most of it. After all, it had been a long time since he was so excited about life, so, might as well enjoy it. With that in mind, Peter quickly took out a pair of jeans, a t-shirt with a science pun and converse; hoping for the day to be just as great as he hoped.

It was a quick shower, but it was nice. He hadn’t ever before taken the chance to embrace that calmness that came with a peaceful shower, and it was something he had to remind himself to do more often because it felt damn good. As he got out of the shower, Peter looked down and realized how his left arm had completely healed.

Self-harming wasn’t one Peter’s proudest moments, that much he knew. It was shameful, really. Peter couldn’t believe he got to that point. That Sunday morning felt like happiness, and he couldn’t even fathom how lowly he had to be feeling to do that. One good thing that came out of going down that lane was that he realized what caused the healing to actually restart.

He had been eating. Food got into his stomach, and nutrients flowed through his body like he so desperately needed. It was now doing wonders to his system, and it paid off. Peter felt so incredibly happy and grateful that his body was finally starting to listen to him again; that small sign was massive, and he knew exactly why that made him feel so happy.

Tony hadn’t really seen his scars, at least not that he knew. But now that the scars faded away, Peter didn’t have to come up with a lie to cover it up because there was nothing to cover. He could just spend the day being honest and not having to conceal anything at all. It was peaceful, and Peter loved it.

Could it be possible? Was he actually doing better? Could he actually be past all of his demons? It was very hard for Peter to know if that was possible, but he really wanted to believe it. There was no lie in saying that everything he did wasn’t healthy. Peter was smart, and he knew it was not sustainable, but he always told himself that it was necessary. Now, though, Peter was starting to question if he ever made those decisions wisely. Probably not.

His mood was in an all-time high, and he didn’t want to bother in jogging. Apart from burning calories and exercising as much as he could, Peter really enjoyed jogging, at least most of the times. But this time everything else seemed much more important than that. Maybe what Wanda said was true; maybe he was the glue of the team, as ridiculous as that sounded. So, in the off chance that she was right, he wanted to do his best to act as if she told the truth.

____________________

Every single time Peter walked into the main building room he felt slightly intimidated. It was so magnificent it made him feel undeserving of having such an experience. But this time it wasn’t like the ones before. He wasn’t overwhelmed by the grandeur of it all; it was just another place in his temporary residency.

He wasn’t really up there to burn calories or anything of the sort. It was barely 7am, and actually wanted to work out. He had grown used to moving his body, given his Spider-Man activities. When he didn’t move his body, it felt like his being and his figure were two different entities that would never reach an agreement. As his food intake decreased, so did his need for exercise. Now, though, his body was working just fine, and so it demanded exercise.

With that in mind, Peter made his way to the fourth floor into the gym and took straight to the treadmill. Now that Helen’s results were his to know, Peter wanted to take note on how his usage of the gym equipment could be improved; for that he needed to actually test it out. Setting it to the maximum speed, Peter began running, and it genuinely surprised him how easily he could do it. It seemed pretty unbelievable that he could do it when he thought back to a couple of days ago when he needed to stop and lean back on a tree because he couldn’t walk for more than a few feet without feeling faint.

“Hey, kid, how’s it going?”

It would never not be weird for Peter to hear Bucky’s voice. He was usually so quiet, and took to himself all of the time, except from when he was with Steve’s team only. It made Peter feel special to know that, apparently, Bucky felt comfortable enough with him to casually chat, it was nice.

“Oh, hello! I’m good, how are you?”
“Not bad, Peter.”
“That’s great, Bucky.”
“What are you doing up here?”
“I just wanted to get in a light workout, you know? Move the body and that sort of thing.”
“That doesn’t seem light at all, kid.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry; I just needed to burn some energy; sometimes it gets too much.”
“So, it’s about Spider-Man?”
“About the enhancements, yes; it’s still hard to figure things out, it’s kinda new.”
“When did you get those, anyway?”

Peter had already talked to Steve about being enhanced, and it was relieving to know he wasn’t the only one in the Compound with that type of powers. Bucky had Steve’s enhancements, too, but Peter always assumed Bucky would never want to talk about them with him. This was a very welcomed surprise.

“It was a couple of years ago; it was in a lab, and a spider bit me, so, here we are.”
“That’s different from what I’ve heard.”
“How come?”
“Oh, no; what I mean is that the enhancements I’ve heard of come from a very different place.”
“Yeah, it was weird.”
“What do you do when you go out?
“Like, on patrol?”
“Yes.”
“I try to help people; help the little guy, you know? Stopping robberies and helping people with groceries or directions. It’s not a big deal, really; just doing my part.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yeah, it is cool; it’s nice to give back to the city.”
“How do you control it?”
“Control what?”
“Your powers.”
“I don’t think I control them, if I’m being honest. I guess I try my best to assess how much strength I need in any situation; try to limit myself.”
“Oh.”

There was something nagging at Peter, and he wanted to ask him so badly, but he knew it was probably rude and inappropriate, especially given that he was having a nice chat with him for the first time since his arrival at the Compound. His curiosity won, though, and he couldn’t stop himself.

“If it’s okay to ask; it’s totally cool if you don’t want to talk about it; what happened to your arm?”
“It’s fine, Peter. I fell off a train in 1943 and they found me and replaced my arm with a metal one. They wanted a weapon.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t want to hurt people, you know? I went into the army to protect my country, but I never wanted to hurt anyone; HUDRA turned me into a weapon.”
“But that’s not who you are.”
“I’m trying to get there, Peter.”
“What about Wakanda?”
“What about it?”
“Well, you know, I was told that, uhm, they put you under? I think, to figure out what to do about your arm and stuff.”
“We didn’t want to take any chances, I couldn’t – I can’t – hurt anyone else.”
“I’m not afraid of you, Bucky.”
“Thanks, kid. About that, how come you’re so strong?”
“Huh?”
“I haven’t forgotten about Leipzig.”

Peter hadn’t, either. It was embarrassing and empowering at the same time. He actually beat the Winter Soldier and the Falcon; but now that he lived with them, it was weird. He never thought they’d bring it up, or at least he hoped they wouldn’t.

“I’m so sorry about that, I really didn’t intend to fight you. I wanted to impress Mr. Stark, and I didn’t think it was going to turn into a fight. I’m really sorry.”
“We didn’t know you back then; I’d gladly give it another go. I bet we’d win this time.”
“That could be cool.”
“It would.”
“Uhm, actually, I was going to go make breakfast for everyone, and I gotta get going.”
“Sure, kid; see you in a minute.”

____________________

For the first time in a very long while, the kitchen felt like a great place, instead of a terrifying one. Much unlike the other times he had jogged with Sam, running in the treadmill while talking to Bucky left him energized, instead of run-down and tired like he usually felt. So, he took to his mission and began cooking.

After 45 minutes the kitchen was ready, and Peter had set the actual perfect scene. There were multitudes of varieties of breakfast foods, ranging from pancakes, waffles and toast, to eggs, bacon, and fruit. Under different circumstances the amount of food would’ve freaked Peter out. Not now, though. It was just great; a Sunday morning having breakfast with those he cared about. It was so domestic Peter tried to ground himself and realize this wasn’t his actual family.

8:30am came around and everyone started walking into the main kitchen with a surprised expression. Peter would’ve probably reacted similarly; it was a weird situation to walk into, but Peter had zero cares in the world, and he chose to see those expressions as a good sign. It was a nice change of pace, and Peter thought it would be perfect, given that they were supposed to go into an Accords meeting in just a couple of hours.

Tony was definitely the main reason Peter wanted to try. When he looked over at the man who had a surprised look on his face, Peter was slightly concerned that he had done something wrong. But, very quickly, surprise morphed into happiness and Peter felt great seeing Tony’s smile. He wasn’t being a burden at the Compound; on the contrary, he was being of help, and that was enough.

“Listen up, everybody. Accords meeting at 10am sharp in the briefing room.”
“Oh, cmon, Cap, let us at least enjoy what Peter made for breakfast.”
“Clint’s right, Steve, stop being a party pooper.”
“This whole thing is boring; I got some new arrows I want to test.”
“Shut your mouths and eat; this is something that needed to be done; I paid way too much money to have Ross tear these walls down with a tank.”

For a moment Tony’s glare made Peter think that everything would go to shit again and that his day would turn for the worse. Regardless, deep down, Peter knew Tony didn’t intend for it to sound rude. It sounded mostly like he was being serious and tried to extend that to Clint and Natasha who obviously didn’t want to have anything to do with the Accords.

His plate was of regular size, but slightly overflowed. He had two pancakes, three strips of bacon, and a big portion of scrambled eggs, plus a bowl of fruit on the side. It had been such a long time since he had that big of a breakfast and he didn’t even think of any numbers. He was way too immersed in syrup and papaya that he didn’t realize someone spoke to him.

“Earth calling to Peter; someone home?”
“Sorry?”
“You know, kid, the pancakes will still be there even after you talk.”
“Sorry, Mr. Stark; they’re really good.”
“I have to agree, Pete; you did a great job.”
“Thanks.”
“Any particular reason you came up with breakfast for everyone?”
“Oh, I just thought it would be nice, you know? With everything with the Accords, I thought it would be cool to have breakfast here. Plus, pancakes are great.”
“Yeah, about that; do you want to be there?”
“You mean there there? In the meeting?”
“Where else would there be?”
“Do you think Rhodey and Steve would agree? It seems like something really serious, and I don’t think they want a kid to interfere.”
“Nonsense – hey Rhodes, Rogers; would it be cool if Peter came to the meeting?”
“Sure thing, no harm there.”
“See? Not a problem. So, what do you say?”
“Uhm, sure, yeah, that would be nice.”

Truthfully, Peter was curious. He heard so much about the Accords, and he wanted to know more about it, where better to learn than from the source of the document? If anyone asked, that would be his answer. But there was also a hidden truth, and that was that he wanted to make sure the Accords wouldn’t force him to reveal his identity, were he to become an official Avenger. Anyway, he didn’t plan on talking, but maybe he could talk to Tony so he said something about it.

____________________

Peter didn’t want to be late. He felt extremely privileged to be part of the conversation, so he didn’t want to risk them thinking he wasn’t worth it. He was 20 minutes early in the waiting room just outside the briefing room. Getting in there earlier would seem way too eager, so he opted for staying out and casually play in his phone so that he would be cool.

Slowly but surely, everyone started to arrive, and Peter was nervous. The last one to enter the room was Tony, which came as no surprise to anyone. He was five minutes late, but no one said anything about it; probably the smart choice. Everyone seemed willing to cooperate, even Natasha and Clint who just a few hours prior said they didn’t want anything to do with the Accords. The conversation Peter had with Natasha made him sure that it wasn’t like she didn’t care; it was mostly about how exhausting the whole deal was.

Unsurprisingly, it was Rhodey who started the conversation. The first thing he did was place the original document on the table, and it was way more intimidating than what Peter imagined. Rhodey was at the head of the table, while Tony was at the other end. Thankfully, Peter found himself sitting on Tony’s right, while Bruce sat next to him. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to be anywhere near Steve’s team, but he did feel more comfortable with Bruce and Tony by his side.

Next to Rhodey was Sam, and, apparently, he was in charge of keeping track of the meeting in the holopad. It was pretty smart, or so Peter thought. He didn’t know what to expect of the meeting, but at least he knew there would be record of what happened. During the first part of the meeting – roughly an hour and a half – Peter quietly stayed sat down and attentively listening to what everyone was saying. He really didn’t intend on saying anything, but he was greatly interested in what would happen.

“Onto the next topic; we need them to know under which circumstances we believe we should be allowed to act.”
“Well, Cap, there’s the obvious. They know for a fact we’re the only ones equipped enough to deal with extraterrestrial attacks; that’s one for us.”
“Tony’s right, but we also need to add a clause for imminent mortal danger to any population on earth.”
“What would happen with the governments, though? I agree with Natasha, but I don’t see how that would play out.”

For a moment everyone stayed silent, and Peter worried they hit a wall, and that it was pretty impossible to solve that. He had no ideas to solve that. He never liked to admit it, but he was a child, and, even if he was science smart, he had no idea what a plausible solution would be.

“What about if we go but retreat if the government disagrees?”
“I don’t know, Bruce, seems like we’re back to square one.”
“Don’t forget what Nat said, Cap, it’s better to have one hand on the wheel than none at all.”
“Maybe you’re right, Tony; but this has to be negotiable.”

Once again silence filled the room. It was kind of similar to how it was the first time they went to an Accords meeting in Washington, but this time it wasn’t as awkward. There was definitely tension about what Steve said, and it felt like everyone agreed but knew they didn’t have a choice. That was a step forward, or so Peter wanted to believe.

“Where are we at with the Stark Relief Foundation?”
“Already cleared that up with Pepper, Rhodes; we’re increasing funds and outreach.”
“Thank you, Tony; I really appreciate that.”
“Well, apparently Scrooge Tony McDuck had to make an appearance, much to my dismay.”
“I really don’t know what to say, Tony, thank you.”
“Well, you know, with a large increase of funds, I’m sure they’ll be more inclined to listen to your list of requests, Cap.”
“Tony’s right; money is a certain way to get things done, they’ll be more lenient.”

Peter remembered all those weeks ago when Tony said he wouldn’t put any more money into getting them out of trouble, but they were all wrong to judge him. Tony had a good heart, and Peter knew he would do what it took to make things right. Everyone seemed shocked, and Peter was glad they all recognized how big of a deal it was.

“What happens if we have new recruits? Will the Accords include them?”

Natasha’s words made Peter focus even more in the conversation. Before that, Peter was kind of vaguely listening. He didn’t really zone out, but he was just kind of there. But it was no lie that talk about Spider-Man officially joining the team was out there and a very real possibility, so it obviously perked Peter’s attention. Everyone turned to him, trying to make it surreptitiously. Now, though, Peter’s senses were pretty much on and working, so it didn’t take him huge effort to realize everyone was looking at him. It was awkward, and he felt weird; but it was something very important, and something that needed to be talked over.

“This will be nonnegotiable: any new recruits will be allowed to keep their identity secret. There’s no need for their identity to be released, that’s just bullshit; they can sign as their superhero persona.”
“What about their genetic composition? They want to take control of everything about the Avengers.”
“If they even consider that clause the deal is off the table. Everyone is entitled to keep their DNA to themselves.”

The list of reasons Peter was grateful for Tony was extensive, and this one added to it, making it even longer. It was already clear that Tony would protect Spider-Man, and Peter was grateful for the certainty that was something Tony would fight for. There was little he could do to show how thankful he was, but he chose to smile at him, trying not to be too evident.

“What’s going to happen with me?”

Wanda’s words were both expected but also not. She was one of the hardest cases to go over; after all, she was one of the most powerful out of the team, and it was hard to come to an agreement about her abilities. Everyone stayed silent, evidently having no clue what to do about it. Peter was sure they all wanted something to work out, but it was hard to come up with something.

“What’s going to happen with me?”
“There’s no need to repeat yourself, Wanda.”
“I know it’s hard to deal with my power, Rhodey, I just want to help out.”
“We have to clear up your reputation before we can move forward with your involvement in the Accords.”
“How about she has complete liberty and control of her powers after she learns how to control it?”
“And how do you propose she do that, Wilson? Any great ideas?”
“No need to get snarky, Stark, we’re all on the same boat here.”
“She’s too powerful to control, it’s not easy to convince someone otherwise.”
“Don’t you guys know that the gover– ”

After that, Peter actively zoned out. He could see Wanda making herself smaller as everyone talked about her like she wasn’t in the room; like it wasn’t her life they were gambling with. Peter really sympathized with her, and he really wanted to say something, but it was far too intimidating. His day was going too well and he decided to take a leap.

“I could train with her.”

Shock was one word to describe everyone’s reaction; everyone but Tony’s which seemed to be more of a mix and concern. He thought he would regret speaking, but
much to his surprise, he didn’t. He really wanted to help Wanda, and maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to volunteer himself. Someone had to take the first step, right?

“You really don’t have to, Pete; I could hurt you.”
“I’ll take the chance if you will.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“Yeah! It will be fun!”

Everyone exchanged looks, most of the with a smile on their faces. They all looked at Peter with gratefulness, but he knew there was someone who didn’t share the sentiment. Tony’s eyes were drilling his skull, or at least that’s what Peter imagined Tony tried to do.

“We’ll talk about this later, kid.”

After his intervention, Peter didn’t really feel like talking again. The conversation continued for two hours more, and he was truly getting hungry. It was already past midday and, even if he had a very big breakfast, his stomach was asking for more. Apparently, the feeling was shared, as Tony took out his phone and placed a large order of burgers to be delivered to the business building. Half an hour later, they were all having lunch while still talking about the Accords, but in a much lighter mood.

Any other day Peter would’ve been freaked out about the burger and fries; too scared about calories and how he would burn them off. This time he was just savoring every bite, and he enjoyed it so much. On the other hand, there was a lot of noise in the room; some of it banter, and some of it was serious talk; it made it hard for Peter to focus on that sort of thoughts. It was great, though; he didn’t want to think about that at all.

“What about the threat to the population?”
“We could set up a separate division of the Relief Foundation for safe places to be available for people to go to when a place is attacked – that’s, of course, if Stark agrees.”
“Pretty smart idea, Barton, I’m impressed.”
“Like Sokovia.”
“That’s right, Bruce; to prevent the casualties like those of Sokovia.”
“We could set up several bases across each continent.”
“We have to clear that up with the governments, Steve; I don’t think it’ll be an issue.”
“They need to be stocked up; have everything people need.”
“Barnes is right, we need to prove they’d be safe.”

After another hour went by, the meeting finally ended, and everyone started leaving the room. It was definitely one of the more successful ones they’d had since Peter arrival at the Compound, and it was nice. They all went out of the room chatting about anything and everything; proud of themselves to finally have a rough draft to present.

“Hey, kid, not so fast.”
“What’s going on, Mr. Stark?”
“What’s that thing about you training with Wanda?”
“Oh, I thought about it, you know? Maybe I could help; be of use.”
“You don’t have to do it, kid; it’s dangerous.”
“I thought about that, too, but I’m the one with least chances to get hurt.”
“I’m not willing to take any chances.”
“But, Mr. Stark –”
“What about Barnes and Steve? They’re pretty buffed up.”
“Well, yeah, but I figured it’d be easier for her to train with me? They’re great and all, but I’m much less intimidating.”
“I don’t know, kid.”
“We could work on how to train, you know? It doesn’t have to happen right away; you can decide what’s safe and what’s not.”
“I’m not sure, Peter.”

That face Peter knew far too well, and he knew it was the kind of expression Tony made when he firmly stood his ground and wouldn’t budge. There was nothing Peter wanted to avoid more than fighting with him; it was too good a day to ruin it for a topic like that. Thankfully, he had something else to discuss with Tony.

“Mr. Stark? I actually wanted to talk to you about something else.”
“What’s up?”
“I was thinking about it last night, and I realized it was Steve’s birthday a week ago.”
“Huh, didn’t know that.”
“I thought we could do something tonight to celebrate? It’s his hundredth birthday and I thought it was kind of important? It’s totally okay if you don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“You kidding? It’s a great idea. I’ll have something delivered from Brooklyn, and I’ll call right away to have someone bring a cake fit for such an occasion.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark!”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Well, actually, I really am feeling strong enough, and I thought maybe it could be time to test my enhancements?”
“Are you sure, kid?”
“Yeah, it’ll be cool, right?”
“FRIDAY, do me a solid and call everyone to the tracks at 5pm.”
“Already did, boss.”

Peter was slightly concerned about what that test would entail. Tony was a very over the top man; he made no effort in concealing it, so, it was pretty clear to Peter that it wouldn’t be something light. That excited him, though. For such a long time his powers had been a trial-and-error thing. Now, though, he would finally know what he could do, and it was really exciting.

“I wanna test your reflexes and strength; what do you say?”
“Uhm, how would that happen exactly?”
“Don’t worry, kid, I promise you’ll be perfectly safe.”
“Oh.”
“So, what do you say? You in?”
“Sure!”

____________________

Once again, Peter didn’t want to seem like that over-excited child that always asks if they’re there yet. It was hard, though. This was one of the things he looked forward to the most since the team found out he was Spider-Man. It was bound to happen, really; he just didn’t feel good enough before to actually do it. He was sitting in the bench in front of the tracks waiting for everyone, and he took the time to do some thinking.

It was a successful day, and nothing could really ruin it. He really thought about it, trying to prepare for something that could happen that would make the great day turn into a horrible one, but nothing came to mind. It was a good day and he was determined to end the day as it began.

Before, he wouldn’t ever admit it, but he was so proud of himself for getting to that point. He was generally having pretty horrible days, with bits and pieces of them being good. This time it seemed like it would actually last forever. And it wasn’t the type of forever that’s fake; the type that you know you have to brace yourself for disaster. This time it really felt like things were turning out for the better and he was excited.

The outcome of the Accords meeting made the day even better. Going in, Peter was scared of what would happen. It could only go to ways, and they were complete opposites. Peter was eternally grateful it went in the positive way. Did he have a place in the Avengers, and, subsequently, the Accords? Could he actually be an Avenger and make Spider-Man a part of the team?

It was a nice thought, and he felt weirdly happy and content; maybe it would last forever; god, how Peter wanted it to. Was it possible, though? That was something he could never know. Maybe he was really past all the shit he had been dealing him and this was the turning point. This could be his fresh start, and it was a thought that made his heartbeat faster in excitement.

Suddenly, his thoughts were cut short with the sight of Tony directing a lot of people who brought a lot of stuff which Peter assumed would be part of the whole testing thing. There were arrows, balls, gym equipment, dumbbells, and fighting mats. What perked Peter’s curiosity the most were the dumbbells; he hadn’t seen those before, and Peter wondered where they came from.

“What’s all of this?”
“Did you really expect anything less?”

One by one, everyone started showing up at the tracks, all of them with an amused and concerned expression on their faces. If the situations were reversed, Peter would probably react the same. It was him who was the center of attention, though, and he felt slightly ashamed. There was no real reason for it; it was irrational to think he had something to be ashamed of; but he wasn’t at all used to be on the spotlight, especially in front of the Avengers.

Truth be told, he was having a lot of fun; much more fun than he was expecting. The first thing he did was put a blindfold over his eyes and catch whatever anyone threw at him. He could hear everyone laughing and some of them being offended that he was able to catch all of them. He couldn’t even explain it; his arms had a life of their own and he just knew where the items were coming from.

“That’s got to be some sort of trickery; there’s no way this is real.”
“Did you tell him where we would be, Stark? This has got to be planned.”
“You’re just jealous, Clint, you could never.”

Suddenly, the items changed in nature, and they came at a slower pace. They were arrows, so Peter knew Clint was the one throwing them. It was hilarious, really; Peter really didn’t at all struggle to catch them.

“You’re gonna have to do better than that, Clint, this is way too easy.”
“I’m sorry, you’re just showing off now.”

More items were thrown his way, now much faster than before; he was growing tired of it, though. Not in the physical sense, though. It was getting old and he was much too excited to test everything else; he didn’t want to spend the rest of the afternoon doing the same thing.

“I think you all know I’ll catch all of it; can we do something different?”
“Getting cocky, now are we?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, I just thought we could try something else.”
“Well, you asked. Who’s up for fighting Pe–”
“I go first, I need my revenge.”
“Overconfidence really won’t help you, Sam; Peter already beat you once.”

An hour later he had already fought all of them, even Bucky, but not Wanda, and he had won to everyone but Natasha. It wasn’t like she was stronger than him, but she was very quick on her feet, and she was able to predict his next move. It was mesmerizing and Peter decided he wanted her to show him how. Fighting Steve and Bucky was harder than he thought it would be. They were the other enhanced he could actually fight. Maybe they were pulling their punches, but Peter decided to think he was actually stronger than them.

The next thing confirmed what he thought, though. He arm wrestled Steve, Bucky, Rhodey and Tony; the two latter wearing their respective suit armor. He easily won to all of them, and he could feel that they were all putting their entire strength into the challenge. It wasn’t for Peter, though. It was pretty easy, if he dared say.

After that Tony said he wanted to test his strength. That was something Peter wasn’t really sure of. He knew that his senses were mostly infallible when he had energy, but he had no idea how much his body could take when it came to weight. He was able to stop a 1.5ton bus, and that he held up a 2.2ton container back in Leipzig, but he didn’t know.

It was disappointing, though. Everyone kept stacking heavy things on top of his shoulders, and he knew it was a lot, but it felt like nothing; not even breaking a sweat. Eventually, Tony decided to test it with the most he could think about, and he drove one of his Audi Q8 to the tracks. That car weighed a bit more than 2.5tons, but it still felt like nothing.

“Well, that was a bust.”
“Yeah, I thought I couldn’t lift that much.”
“Well, evidently, we were both wrong, kid.”
“Probably, yeah.”
“How about we work on it more this week at the lab? We’ll come up with heavier things for you to train with.”
“Sounds good, Mr. Stark!”

Afterwards, the sun was starting to set and there was one last thing Peter wanted to do. It went directly against what Tony said, but there was nothing the man could do if he began. After getting confirmation from Wanda they started fighting. It was pretty noticeable at first that she was definiterly pulling her punches. Regardless, a few minutes into the fight, Peter noticed she was getting more comfortable with her powers, making her shots faster and stronger. Thankfully, none of them hit him, Peter being able to avoid all of them. It was great, really.

“Thank you, Peter.”
“No, Wanda, thank you! It was a lot of fun.”
“Thank you for trusting me.”

Tony’s stressed and concerned face started to fade when the fight was over, and Peter was willing to bet a small smirk spread along his face. On the other hand, Bruce stayed on the sideline. He said it was for the better; he didn’t want to risk the Hulk coming out, and that it was probably better that someone took note of what happened. It was pretty cool and a proud moment for Peter to see Bruce being seemingly mesmerized at his fight with Wanda.

They continued to hang out in the tracks for a while longer. Everyone was chatting and laughing, in addition to the snacking and drinking that Clint and Sam brought when Peter was arm wrestling Rhodey. It turned out to be a great afternoon and Peter really couldn’t be happier.

“Is everything ready, Mr. Stark?”
“Ready for what?”
“Uhm, you know, uhm.”
“I’m messing with you, Pete, everything will be ready in half an hour.”
“Great.”

____________________

Peter tried hinting at everyone to get to the dining room fast, and, surprisingly, had the guts to ask Steve and Bucky to help him carry some of the stuff inside. Tony said it wasn’t necessary, that he’d have someone pick it up in the morning. But, with a wink, Tony let them go, understanding that Peter wanted them to come in last.

During the testing session Peter got the chance to tell most of them what was going to happen, so, it was wonderful to Peter to see that everyone seemed to think it was a good idea when they went to the main kitchen as soon as Tony said the fun was over.

When he entered the kitchen Peter was slightly surprised but also not at all. Once again, Tony was a man who thought of everything, and there was an abundance of food Peter recognized were from Brooklyn. He was from Queens, but it was true that Brooklyn had a pretty cool gastronomical offer. There were steaks from Peter’s Luger Steak House, beer from Teddy’s Bar and Grill, pasta and focaccia from Ferdinando’s Focacceria, and hot dogs from Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs.

He knew Tony would have a lot of food delivered, but it was incredibly heartwarming to see that he thought of bringing food from Brooklyn’s oldest restaurants. Peter’s memory usually didn’t fail him, and he was pretty sure those restaurants were already in service when Steve was born. The thought put into it was amazing, and Peter was truly mesmerized.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, Steve, happy birthday, to you…”

The overly exaggerated Captain America cake was peak definition of how much effort Tony put into getting everything ready in 6 hours. That was not the type of cake that was done in that amount of time, but Tony had a way to get things done when he wanted them to. The cake had 100 candles, which Steve blew with a huge smile on his face. It was evident he didn’t expect any of it, which made Peter feel even prouder of himself. It was nice, it was comfortable, it felt like home, and he would cherish every second of it.

Notes:

Hey guys! There are a few things I wanted to say about this chapter. First and foremost, I want to make clear that I don't think self-harm is something necessarily shameful. I write from my own experience and how I feel when I'm not at a low point in my life.

On the other hand, I want to apologize for that 'see you in a minute' thing, I couldn't help myself lmao.

I know there's no angst here, but I thought Peter needed a break. Angst coming really really soon!!

As always, I'm happy to receive any nice criticism and suggestions.
Let me know what you think about this chapter!

Leave any comments and kudos if you like the story, it's really encouraging :)

I hope everyone has a nice week!

Chapter 29: you've made a mess again

Summary:

TW// binge eating

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Having enhanced senses was something Peter thought he understood. When he woke up, he was proven very wrong. There was an energy he couldn’t really explain flowing through his veins, and it felt like he could burst if he didn’t do something about it. There was too much input, and he hadn’t felt that way since the first days after the bite.

It was barely past 5am, but Peter heard everything around him, probably as far as the entrance of the Compound. There were heels and small talk; there was also a couple of cars pulling into the driveway. It was hard to focus, but it didn’t really matter. He might be overwhelmed, but it was marvelous to see that his senses were finally acting like they were enhanced.

It was food; it was always about food. He had been regularly eating for the last couple of days, and his body thanked him for it. Peter didn’t really stop to think about how much it had been. For the longest time Peter made it his most important goal to make the amount of food on his plane be the smallest possible. Now that he had been eating normally, Peter wondered if it was possible that he was wrong all along.

An animal instinct within him awoke, and it felt foreign, for lack of a better word. He wanted to be stronger, to hear further, to be better. He needed more. Spider-Man was supposed to be someone who helped the city, and he wanted nothing more than to go out again. The city needed him to be at his best, and, if the last days had proven anything at all, he needed more food. After all, who was Peter if he couldn’t be a good hero?

Most mornings Peter would choose to jog around the tracks. It was easy and it was near the living quarters; it was the practical choice. Not this time. His body was demanding him to push itself further and to burn more energy. He ran and ran, without really knowing where time went by.

There was too much energy, and he wanted more. He craved more. If he had more energy, he would surely be better. It wasn’t enough; his legs couldn’t move fast enough, regardless of how many laps he knew he ran around the lake in the last 45 minutes.

If there was a word that could describe what Peter was feeling it would probably be euphoria. It wasn’t excitement, and it wasn’t stress or happiness; this was something different. It was an energy-loaded need, and it was one of the weirdest things he had ever experienced. It was good, though. Peter felt as strong as he had felt in a while, and it was exhilarating. He wanted more, and he knew that meant he wanted more food.

Two hours went by and there was little change between how Peter felt when he woke up and how he felt after finishing his run. He barely broke a sweat, and it was frustrating to know he didn’t have more ideas to solve his problem. What he did know was that he wanted more food. It wasn’t like he was necessarily hungry, but his body was screaming at him to run to the nearest fridge and eat anything available.

Suddenly, his feet took him to the main kitchen, and, in the blink of an eye, there was a huge breakfast sitting in front of him. He probably wasn’t conscious when he served all that food; he didn’t remember when that amount of food was put in his plate. But, regardless, he just didn’t care. Now that he knew that food gave him the energy; he wanted to be a better Spider-Man, he didn’t want to stop.

A week ago, he would’ve certainly been overwhelmed at the sight of two fried eggs, five pancakes, three bacon strips, two toasts, and four sausages in his plate. It was unfathomable. A similar sight was that of Steve and Bucky’s breakfast just some days ago. They were enhanced, and so was Peter; there was no reason for him to hold back.

It was a haze, really. There were little memories about when food got into his mouth, but Peter knew it was happening. That foreign instinct took over, and he just kept eating. His mind was blank, and he wasn’t really thinking about food; he just wanted to be better.

If he had had the energy he currently held in his body, Sophie would certainly be alive, wouldn’t she? Before, Peter thought he was too heavy, and that was the reason he didn’t get to her sooner. Now, though, Peter wondered if the reason she was dead was because he didn’t have enough strength in his body to act quickly enough. Either way, Peter wasn’t going to take the risk of it happening again; not if it was in his hands to do something about it.

His senses alerted him that someone had entered the kitchen. It didn’t take a genius, really. The cologne was recognizable from a mile away, and the way the man walked was something Peter knew by hard now. It wasn’t like Tony couldn’t enter the main kitchen; after all, it was his Compound. But, it wasn’t what he regularly did, and Peter took his focus off food and stopped to think about why Tony could be there.

“Fancy seeing you here, kid.”
“Hey, Mr. Stark, how are you doing?”
“Evidently not as good as you. You’re eating through that plate like it’s going to disappear. That good, huh? Did you save anything for me?”
“Sure! There are some pancakes and sausages in the counter.”
“How thoughtful of you, Pete.”

Tony walked over to said counter and served himself two small pancakes and a sausage. That was a regular portion; not the monstrosity that Peter had in his plate not 10 minutes before. It didn’t matter, though. Something within him was satisfied with the food he had ingested, and it was great for him.

“Anything new with you, kid?”
“Oh, no, nothing really. Thank you, though.”
“What for?”
“The whole thing with Steve yesterday; it was really nice, and I forgot to thank you for it.”
“It was no issue, Pete; I had fun, actually.”
“What about you, Mr. Stark? Anything new?”
“Well, now that you ask; we’re having another meeting tomorrow morning to finalize the first draft. It’ll take Ross off my ass, finally.”
“That’s great, Mr. Stark!”
“Yeah, I’ll guess we’ll have to wait and see.”
“It was weird being there for the meeting.”
“Really? How come?”
“It seemed like something serious; it was just weird.”
“Huh.”
“Do I have to be there tomorrow?”
“You don’t need to be there, Peter; you’re welcome to, though.”

Fighting was something hard to explain. Peter didn’t mind putting criminals in their place, even if it meant getting a little physical with it. Most of the times, though, he avoided engaging in combat as much as he could. It was just overly violent, and Peter never liked it. With the Accords, though, it was a whole new different kind of fighting that he couldn’t decide whether it was better or worse. Regardless, now seeing that they were finally figuring things out, Peter was delighted, and it made his day ever so slightly better.

“So, kid, I’ve been thinking about your suit.”
“What about it?”
“You forgot already? The nanites still have a long way to go to be ready for the actual suit.”
“Oh, that.”
“I’ve been thinking about it, Pete; we can try to make the suit retroreflective, but we’ll have to wait for T’Challa to come in with some materials. We still need to come up with something for the reflective coat, and maybe vibranium will do the trick.”
“That’s really cool, Mr. Stark!”
“We’ll need to codify them as soon as we get the calculations done. I was thinking about a synthesized version of heavy gauge alloy to make it more stable for prolonged swings.”
“Sounds great.”
“Any new ideas for the suit, kid?”
“Oh, I was thinking; it’s totally cool if it’s not possible; maybe we could have the nanites be stored in a watch? You know, for easier access when, uhm; when I don’t plan on being Spider-Man.”
“Great idea, Pete; we’ll have to look into it after codifying the nanites for all the functions the suit already has and add in the retroreflective bit.”
“Do you think maybe it could have DNA recognition? I don’t know, I was thinking about it, and I thought it was safer if it was coded only to me? Just a thought I had a while ago.”
“Sure thing, kid, that’s no problem.”

Talking about Spider-Man with Tony was probably one of Peter’s favorite discussion topics. He was Spider-Man, but he wouldn’t be what he was today without Tony. It was nice that they came up with new ideas for possible suit improvements together. After the whole incident with the Vulture, Peter felt closer to Tony because of Spider-Man, so, it was comfortable; it almost made him refocus on the mindless bites he was getting into his mouth.

“It was pretty irresponsible what you did yesterday, kid.”
“What did I do?”
“You shouldn’t have been so reckless fighting Wanda.”
“It’s fine, Mr. Stark; nothing happened.”
“Maybe, but it could’ve.”
“But it didn’t.”
“Anyway, what I was getting to was that we should work on how you could safely train with her without it being a threat to your safety. We both know I will not accept that.”
“Actually, Mr. Stark, I wanted to ask you about the gym equipment? I know it’s not a priority, but I still thought I’d ask, you know?”
“We’re having trouble with the materials being delivered, but don’t stress yourself; we’re working on it. Chances are, we’ll have something for you within the week.”

Talking to Tony was nice, but it didn’t distract him for long. The food was gone, much to his surprise. It was like it magically disappeared, and it startled Peter. There was still a lot of energy, and he was having a hard time figuring out what to do with it.

“Uhm, actually, Mr. Stark, I think I’m gonna go for a run, if that’s okay.”
“Everything alright, Pete?”
“Feeling great!”

Tony didn’t need to know that Peter was growing more and more concerned by the minute; that was something for Peter to be burdened with, and for Tony to ignore.

____________________

His legs were moving without Peter’s permission, and it felt weird to be so out of control of his body. It wasn’t a bad thing, though. The wind hitting his face let him know that he was, in fact, running fast; probably as fast as he had ever run in his life. It was great; after all, he wasn’t at all tired, which was a much-welcomed change from what his previous runs around the lake had gone. Most times he ended up out of breath and just completely demolished. Not this time.

This was a turning point in his life, and he really wanted to believe it was a new beginning for a better Spider-Man to emerge. It was his biggest focus, and it was the sole reason he cared so much. This new energy made Peter believe that food was the key to unlocking his full potential, and, if it were ever to be true, the more the merrier.

The fuel that had been given to his body made Peter even more aware of his senses. His struggles with food began before the bite, and his enhancements were immediately noticed. After such a long time Peter started wondering if he had ever truly reached his enhancements’ potential. He felt much stronger than the day before, and maybe it was time for him to tell Tony that there might be a slight problem with the calculations of how much he could lift. It was just evident to Peter: he was much stronger than he ever thought possible.

Another thing Peter took note of was his hearing. After two or three laps around the lake, Peter stopped to focus and actually test how far he could hear. In the morning, as soon as he woke up, Peter could hear all the way to the entrance, and it was cool. After having had breakfast, Peter wondered if, maybe, his enhancements worked better than they did in the morning.

Even if it was fascinating, it was still a disappointment. He heard people entering the Compound, and he heard Happy on the phone talking about new security measures for entrance to the Compound. There were also people whispering about Tony and Steve, probably about the Accords and what had happened with Bucky. It was none of their business, and Peter worried having enhanced hearing would make his stress reach a new all-time high.

It was exciting to have enhanced senses, but it was slightly annoying. It didn’t have to be overwhelming; it would probably be. Truth was, for his enhancements to work on his side, he needed to focus. Maybe that was something he could put to good use. If he was going to be eating so much, he better make it worth it for the city.

Peter wondered if maybe now he could hear criminals from afar. If he knew what they were planning, it would be much easier to stop them, and less people would be caught in the crossfire. Sophie would always be someone who pushed him to be better, and he was excited to find the best way to prevent anything like what happened to her to happen again.

There were many things that would make him a better Spider-Man, but training with the one person in the Compound who beat him seemed to be the smart choice to start with. On Tuesday night Natasha offered Peter to train him in stealth; maybe it was time to take her up on that offer, he could definitely use her expertise.

“Hey, FRIDAY?”
“Yes, Peter?”
“Could you ask Natasha if she could help me out with something?”
“What should I tell her?”
“Please ask her if she can teach me to be stealthy, if she has time.”
“Ms. Romanov asked me to inform you that she’s available after lunch.”
“Thanks, FRIDAY.”

The technology that Tony had developed through the years would never cease to amaze Peter and having FRIDAY available to him through his phone was something of wonders. It was a blessing, really. He was so excited to finally be able to have the experience of actually learning first-hand from Natasha. Peter had always looked up to her, and he was sure she would make him a better Spider-Man; her skills were unmatched, and Peter couldn’t wait to see what he’d learn from her.

____________________

Peter’s entire morning was spent running around and not sitting still; too much energy flowing through his veins. Regardless, at exactly 1pm, the sound of paper bags ruffling, and the strong smell of fish came to Peter; his feet immediately followed the source and so, he found himself in the main kitchen, where lunch was being served.

Steve and Natasha were taking out from the bags endless boxes of all sorts of sushi, and it seemed like they ordered everything the store had in stock. Sushi was nice; it was delicious, and all in all, seemingly nutritious. One by one, each member of the team gathered around the kitchen island where the sushi was placed, and each served its plate with an average of 13 makis.

Not Peter, though. His plate had 26 makis, and it honestly didn’t seem like a lot in Peter’s eyes. It wasn’t like he was necessarily hungry; it would be outrageous, after all, he had a huge breakfast and there was no reason for him to be hungry. His hands just kept piling sushi bites in his plate, and Peter wasn’t at all protesting.

Conversation flowed like it usually did; Sam was joking with Clint; Natasha, Bucky, and Wanda were casually chatting; Tony, Bruce and Steve were discussing something Peter couldn’t for the life of him pinpoint; and Rhodey was mostly on his phone. Under different circumstances Peter would’ve probably joined in on any conversation, but his mind wasn’t processing anything; it was only him and his plate.

His brain seemed to stop functioning, and he wasn’t really aware of how much food was on his plate, nor when the food went away, having, apparently, eaten all of it. He couldn’t tell for sure, though. There was nothing for Peter to cling to to prove that he was hungry enough to eat everything on his plate, but the food was gone, and Peter recognized the fullness in his body.

“Hey, kid, aren’t you supposed to be at school or something?”
“It’s July, Sam, isn’t it about time your braincells took office again? Peter’s on summer break.”
“No need to get all defensive, Widow; I don’t know what kids are supposed to do.”
“The school year is supposed to begin in September, so I guess you’ll still have to deal with me for a bit longer.”
“And what’s that gonna be like? Stark gonna drive you?”
“We’re months away from that, Wilson. We’ll find the right way to get the kid to school; probably will be Happy.”

The last month had been full of ups and downs, but it had nothing to do with the outside world. It was all inside his head and the small group of the earth’s mightiest heroes. Peter didn’t for a second want to stop and think about how life would be like when he returned to school. It was for sure going to be tricky, and Peter didn’t really know if he wanted to put Tony and Happy through the trouble of figuring out what to do about his education.

The future was scary, that much was certain. All in all, Peter had had a nice time during June; but he didn’t really imagine how life would be like for the remaining 23 months. Unconsciously, he had told himself to take everything step by step, day by day; thankfully, it got better with time. But thinking in the long run was far too scary.

He didn’t at all want to go back to school. It was only logical that someone would be driving him to school every day; probably Happy. He usually drove a very fancy car, and Peter wasn’t prepared to answer questions he didn’t really understand the answers to. It was just too complicated, and he didn’t want to be in the spotlight. On the other hand, school was something he had only ever known while living with his family; it was foreign to think about going to school while living with the Avengers.

Living under the same roof as Tony was something that took Peter several days to get used to. It wasn’t necessarily hard, but it took some time for him to adjust to being Peter and Spider-Man with Tony watching his shoulder. Now add in being a student; it was too mortifying a thought to consider. There were two geniuses living with him, and he didn’t want to imagine how it would be like to be frustrated by a problem that they could solve with their eyes closed, probably.

“Mr. Stark is right, Sam; there’s no need to worry about it now, right? Uhm, I haven’t really thought about it that much.”
“I’d be happy to drop you off.”
“I heard that you worked with veterans? How was that like?”
“Yeah, Pete, I did; it was very interesting…”

Peter never really enjoyed being the center of attention so, when he switched the conversation to Sam and his work with veterans, he could finally relax and focus on what was plaguing his mind. The energy moving through his body was something he couldn’t really quite explain. It almost felt like it was a being of its own, and like he couldn’t at all control it. What he knew would work was to go out as Spider-Man again, and he wanted that to be as soon as possible. Natasha seemed to nitce, too; his phone lit up with a small message from her.

‘meet me in the hologram training room in 20 :).’

____________________

There was no lie in saying that Peter was terrified as he walked to the top of the business building. He wasn’t necessarily afraid of Natasha, but she was definitely intimidating, and he wanted to prove to himself, and her, that he was good to be Spider-Man.

The anxiety building up in Peter’s throat brought him an internal conflict: did he want to wash that feeling away with food or were the makis going to make a reappearance in his mouth? Peter really hoped there would be a third option, because he was climbing the last set of stairs and he needed to have his shit collected by the time he faced her.

“This is more private, don’t you think?”
“Uhm, yeah, sure. I thought more people were allowed in here.”
“Sometimes, but not today. It’s easier for you to actually learn something with the scenarios Tony programmed for me.”
“Really?”
“Sure, you want to be stealthy, right? Might as well practice with what a spy trains.”
“Sounds good.”
“Come on in; FRIDAY, set up scenario 392A, please.”

Suddenly, the room turned dark, and images of Manhattan’s skyscrapers in the middle of the night appeared around him. If Natasha wasn’t by his side Peter would’ve sworn, he was out in the city; it was unnaturally realistic. Peter wasn’t really sure how the whole stealth training would go, but maybe that was a good thing; she knew what she was doing, right?

“Lesson number one: you need to stay close to the ground; it’s easier for you to make your presence unknown if they can’t see you. You’re somewhat of a spider, right?”
“I mean, not literally. I would say I’m a –”
“Act like you are, walk as low as you can and keep steady. Fail, and that could easily mean you’d be dead within seconds.”
“Uhm, okay, okay; I think I got it.”
“Learn when to be quiet; you don’t want to risk giving out your location for a slip up.”

That comment effectively shut Peter up, and instead, he focused on the simulations. There were shadows, and Peter assumed those would be the bad guys. They were moving quickly, and, in his mind, Peter thought they were robbers ushering out of a jewelry shop. He did as Natasha said and walked lowly towards them. But, suddenly, the room turned red; what even happened?

“You’re dead.”
“What? What did I do wrong?”
“You took the obvious path, Peter; they saw you coming.”
“Huh?”
“Use your surroundings: weave through large items and edge along them; it’ll be easier for you to hold the element of surprise on your side.”
“Okay, I got it.”
“Go again.”

The same exact scenario appeared before him, and, as Natasha instructed him to do so, instead of walking the straight line, Peter took his right and hid behind a large cube that the simulation placed as a garbage dumpster. Everything seemed to be going fine; there was no red anywhere and Peter took the chance. Immediately he jumped towards the simulated men, but the room turned red again.

“What happened now? What did I do wrong?”
“Learn to play the long game, and you need to know when to stay still. You tell me what you did wrong.”
“Uhm, I don’t know? I moved too quick?”
“No, Peter; you didn’t see what was going on. They were about to escape, all guns in hand; you should’ve taken another way.”
“How do I do that?”
“You operate in Queens, right?”
“Right.”
“Learn the area, the patterns. Your wit will be your best weapo, and you need to make the most of it.”
“Okay, that sounds doable.”
“Never forget the power of inaction. Not everything has to end in combat. Create distractions to throw them off; you’ll get the advantage.”
“Okay, okay.”
“Go again.”

Once more Peter went to try and stop the pretend robbers. He tried to follow everything Natasha told him to do, and it had gone pretty fine so far. Peter waited until the robbers got into the getaway car to attack, it seemed like there was no better opportunity. Quickly, Peter used his webs hooters to take the bags of stolen goods from one of the figures. Thank god for FRIDAY’s alert ‘bags secured’, otherwise Peter wouldn’t have had a clue when he succeeded. Afterwards, Peter tried his best to fight all the five robbers off him; but then, red.

“Oh, cmon, really? What happened now? I got the stolen items.”
“How were you going to get out of there?”
“Uhm, well, you know, I thought I could just, uhm –”
“What? Fight your way out of it?”
“Yeah, kinda.”
“You always need to have an escape plan. Don’t ever go in without a way out.”
“Fine, you’re right, okay.”
“Go again.”

The next couple of hours went by pretty quickly after Peter finally got that first scenario right. He felt pretty proud of himself, and he knew he was actually learning from her. They continued training with different scenarios, but it was getting old; it was becoming too predictable, and Peter realized Natasha thought so, too.

“Cmon, Pete, let’s go train outside for a bit.”

Instead of heading down to the entrance of the business building, Natasha took Peter up a set of stairs he hadn’t yet seen that took them to the very top of the building. Everything in the Compound was visible from up there, and it was truly exhilarating. The energy in his body had eased while training with Natasha; being up there in the top floor made it build up again and he needed to go out.

They scanned the area to see what they could use for Peter to practice what he had learned. Sam and Steve were outside the right building but facing the lake. Tony and Rhodey were in the lab that was in the garage in front of the tracks, and Wanda and Bucky were in the right building’s kitchen.

Sam and Steve seemed to be chatting about the army and about HYDRA, or at least that was Peter could hear from afar. They seemed to be pretty relaxed and not at all wary of any threat. It wasn’t like Natasha and Peter were there to threaten them, but still, sneaking up on them wasn’t necessarily friendly.

Trying his best to follow every advice Natasha had given him, Peter climbed up a tree that was directly over the two men. It was fully bloomed; there were so many leaves and flowers that Peter knew they wouldn’t easily see him. Mercifully, Peter didn’t make any noise going up, or atleast he assumed he didn’t because the men didn’t move at all.

Using his web shooters, Peter slid down and took the cap off Sam’s head, quickly pulling himself up again. He heard Natasha lowly laughing, and Peter felt proud of himself for not giving away his position. Both Sam and Steve immediately stood up and got in a fighting stance. It was slightly terrifying, which made Peter wonder if it was a good idea to mess with them.

“Who’s there?”
“What even happened?”
“I swear if Scott got in this place again.”
“It’s not him, he’s in San Francisco.”
“Whoever it was better watch their back.”

After a couple of minutes, both men sat down again, but Peter knew they were now being more aware of their surroundings. He didn’t really care, though. Natasha was watching from the top of the right building, and Peter did not want to disappoint her. Five minutes later Peter was sliding down his web again and poked Steve’s shoulder, immediately pulling himself up again and trying his best to hold in his laugh.

“What the hell is going on?!”
“Come on, Cap, I’m sick of this.”

As the two men, annoyed, turned and walked to the main building, Peter swung towards Natasha where she congratulated him and laughed. It was definitely funny, and Peter couldn’t believe he had actually pranked Captain America and the Falcon. It was something he just didn’t think he would ever in his lifetime be able to say.

“What do you say, kid? Wanna go mess with Stark?”
“Uhm, I don’t know. Mr. Stark’s not really the type of man who’d like to be messed with. I don’t really want to bother him, I just –”
“He won’t mind, Peter, cmon.”

Begrudgingly, Peter followed Natasha to the garage’s lab where they exchanged looks and knew exactly what to do. Natasha stayed outside, hidden. If they saw her, they’d know something was up, and that completely defeated their purpose. Carefully, Peter crawled up the outside wall of the garage and snuck into one of the windows. His plan was to take a screwdriver from Tony’s station, but he couldn’t even get on with his plan.

“What are you doing up there, kid, huh?”
“Holy shit, Peter; I didn’t know you could actually crawl up walls.”
“Get down here, kid; I don’t want May screaming at me because you went and got yourself a broken hip.”
“Oh, cmon, Mr. Stark, I wanted to test how I crawl without the suit.”
“So help me god, if you don’t get down here now, you’ll be cleaning the walls yourself.”

He did as he was told and shamefully walked out of the garage as he heard Tony trying to tell Rhodey that it wasn’t something to worry about. He met Natasha and told her that it was, effectively, a bust; still, they laughed about it.

“I knew this would happen! Mr. Stark always knows.”
“It didn’t hurt to try, did it?”
“Well, it could’ve gone better.”
“You’re special, Peter. You’re a good kid, and a pretty cool hero, too.”
“Oh, thanks, I guess. I try my best, you know? But I’m not that good.”
“I have to disagree, Peter; what you did today was pretty badass.”
“You taught me that.”
“When will you go out again?”
“Actually, I think I’m gonna go change now.”
“Have fun, kid.”

____________________

Peter felt as euphoric as he had ever felt while out on patrol. The energy within him, mixed with the new knowledge he now had made it a perfect mix for a promising patrolling night. He wasn’t necessarily hungry, but his feet dragged him to the dearest deli where he bought several bags of chips, two sandwiches, and two bottles of orange juice.

He intended on having a successful patrol evening, so it seemed only logical that he ate a lot of food to give him fuel to push through the night. Once again, the food went by in the blink of an eye, and there were only packages remaining as evidence of how much he had eaten. Without a second thought, Peter jumped out the rooftop where he had stopped to eat and took straight to the streets to see who needed help.

As most patrols went, Peter stopped several muggings, attempted homicides and fights; except this time, he stopped many more than he ever did before. A lot of people seemed to need directions, so he helped those people too. It wasn’t enough though. He had way too much energy and he knew he had the means to do something meaningful with it.

Peter swung through the city and ended up in Brooklyn where he repeated the exact same routine he did in Queens. This time, though, Peter stopped for a brief moment in front of Sophie’s family’s home. That stop gave Peter motivation enough to go on and help more people.

As the night fell, Peter saw several women home safe, and continued stopping muggings. It was a great night. Karen was of great help, and, as far as she could scan, there weren’t many occurrences in the city that needed Spider-Man; he took to the Bronx. There, he operated very similarly as he did in Queens and Brooklyn; the one thing that stood out was a bank robbery he was able to stop thanks to what Natasha had taught him, he felt great.

Peter’s suit had showed him an hour ago that it was time to start making his way up to the Compound if he wanted to be there before curfew. The thing was, he didn’t. He had stopped a couple more times to eat again, and the story repeat itself; he had no idea how much he had eaten or how fast it was, it was getting annoying. Peter didn’t want to go back. He had so much to offer, and it would be selfish of him to stop now.

‘Incoming call from Tony Stark.’
“Any particular reason your ass is not yet here?”
“Hey, Mr. Stark.”
“It’s past your curfew, kid; where are you?”
“I’m still in the city, Mr. Stark?”
“He have a deal, Peter; don’t test me again, kid, you do not want to go down that road.”
“Actually, Mr. Stark, I was wondering if I could stay a bit later? It’s been quite a busy night and I think I can still do some good, you know?”
“No later than 2am, Peter; you’ll find yourself having one of my suits as your personal escort if you aren’t here at exactly 2am.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

He was grateful to Tony. For a moment there it seemed like he was about to get really mad, and Peter didn’t want to deal with that at all. He was starting to feel unexplainably overwhelmed, and he just didn’t want to add anything else to that. Instead, he focused on helping people.

Peter swung as fast as he could to Staten Island and south Manhattan. He felt pretty proud of himself for covering so much ground that night. In each borough he did exactly the same as the ones before: he helped as much as he could with the information that Karen gave him of crime and people in need.

At 1am a strange sensation invaded Peter. There was a need he couldn’t explain, and his tongue screamed at him to find something to satiate that need with. Instinctively, Peter swung to the nearest supermarket and got himself gummies, chips, and chocolate; got to the nearest building, and started eating the food like a caveman. It was so strange, he just couldn’t stop eating. He wasn’t at all hungry; on the contrary, Peter was so full he felt like he could explode any second. But there was no stopping his hand, it had a life of its own now and Peter was just a bystander.

Finally, the food was gone, and, with a heavy stomach and a guilty mind, Peter started swinging north, heading towards the Compound. If he was going to avoid something it would be having an Iron Man suit pick him up. The Compound came to sight at 1:50am, and then Peter could breathe.

____________________

Lately, whenever he got home from patrol, Natasha was waiting for him; Peter didn’t want that at all. That overwhelmed feeling was transforming into a full-on anxiety attack, and it was hard to explain. What had gone wrong? He was having a good day. There shouldn’t be any reason he was freaking out, it was illogical; everything seemed to be now.

First, Peter went to his room and changed into his pajamas. The suit was great and all, but nothing would ever compare to the comfort that his pajamas brought it. God, he needed comfort. Instinctively, Peter snuck out of the left building and got into the pantry of the main kitchen. It had never been his safe space, if he had any at all, but it seemed like his brain chose it and Peter wasn’t one to fight it.

He missed May so much. Living the daily life at the Compound made it easy for Peter to ignore how much he missed her. She was everything to him, and there was a hole in his heart when she wasn’t with him. She made everything look easier, and she would definitely know what to say; or at least would give him a hug he had been craving for so long.

Craving. He craved something. He craved so many things. Right now, though, the only thing that he could control of his cravings was food. His legs took him to where the bread was and then his arm hoarded a bunch of chocolate bars. Yes, that was what he was craving. It was, right? It was unclear in Peter’s brain, but it was what made some sense.

Bite. How had he fucked up so much? Sophie died because of him. Bite. He shouldn’t be eating this. No, he shouldn’t be eating at all. Bite. Why wasn’t he stopping? How long had it been? Bite. He wanted to scream; he didn’t want to eat. Bite. What was going on? Bite.

Something took over Peter and he started maniacally crying laughing. His mouth was full of chocolate, and he had the hiccups because of how fast he had eaten the bread he had gotten; no liquid to flush it down with. The laughs that escaped him were mixed with strained sobs, and Peter couldn’t recognize his voice anymore. Everything had gone downhill in a matter of hours and Peter just didn’t understand.

“Everything good here, kid?”

Notes:

Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Let me know what you think! I am always open to polite suggestions and criticism.

Leave kudos and comments if you enjoy this chapter! it's always really encouraging to see people enjoy what you write.

I hope everyone has a nice week!
Love, nk_d26

Chapter 30: there's no more trying

Summary:

TW/ Binge eating, purging, self-harm

Please make sure you're in the right headspace before reading.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Anxiety had become a daily feat in Peter’s life. It was just something he had learned to live with; at least, that’s what he told himself. Seeing a very startled Bucky staring back at him spiked his anxiety and made him go crazy. He begged his body for his instincts to take over; reason couldn’t do much, it had abandoned him some hours ago.

Aggressively wiping his tears, Peter hoped that Bucky would just don’t care. The man appeared to be pretty stoic, but Peter knew he cared a lot. Hopefully this time he wouldn’t; it was probably a pretty pathetic scene to walk into. There were so many chocolate wrappers around him, and he really tried his best to play it cool to hide them, but it was futile. There was no place on earth where he could hide it in time to avoid the shameful feeling growing inside him.

Peter was so incredibly embarrassed. Everyone at the Compound had an idea of who Peter was, and the image of a boy who couldn’t control himself around food wasn’t one of those; at least he hoped not. Now that someone caught him with chocolate spread all over his mouth and tears in his eyes, Peter was sure Bucky would change what he thought of him, probably disgusted by his sight.

His instincts told him he should run. If he got far enough away, Peter would probably avoid ever speaking of it to anyone. Truth was, even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. Bucky was standing in front of the door, and there was simply no escape.

The floor was moving, and the room was spinning. His chest felt heavy, and he was sure that his eyes had failed him again; it was getting extremely hard to focus on anything. A couple of minutes ago, he had his hands full of food, but now they were numb, and he couldn’t feel his feet either. His anxiety was peaking, and his body was definitely showing that.

“Everything okay there, Pete? You don’t seem so good.”
“Uhm, sure, yeah. Everything’s – everything’s great, I’m doing fine, I’m okay.”
“Are you telling me or are you trying to convince yourself?”
“It’s whatever, really, I’m fine, everything’s good, yeah, everything’s okay. What are you doing up? It’s the middle of the night.”

If Peter had learned anything at all was that people enjoyed talking about themselves. Who wouldn’t? Having someone take interest in your life was a very nice feeling, and no one would ever deny that. Even if he did want to divert the focus of the conversation from his situation, Peter was genuinely curious about why Bucky was awake. He had only ever seen Natasha and Tony up so late, so this was definitely surprising.

“I couldn’t sleep, figured I could use a distraction.”
“A distraction from what?”
“Memories – flashbacks.”
“Oh.”
“I’ve told you this before, kid. I killed people, but I didn’t kill them. It’s hard coming to terms with that. It can get daunting.”
“I’m so sorry I asked, it must be hard.”
“I’m dealing with it, Peter; I’m sure you can deal with whatever’s going on with you, too.”

It was oddly comforting to know that he wasn’t the only one haunted by demons at night. Peter felt terrible for thinking that, but he felt slightly less alone. Still, his chest hadn’t stopped heaving, and he was trying really hard not to break down in front of Bucky and let him know how messed up he really was. The situation got awkward, and Peter tried his best to be cool about throwing away all the chocolate wrappers that were around him; maybe Bucky believed he was just having a midnight snack.

“Uhm, thank you, I’m sorry I got in the way.”
“Goodnight, Peter. You can come to me anytime you need to chat, okay?”
“Yeah, thank you.”

Bucky was leaving; Peter heard his footsteps in the right building, and he could also hear him turning on the TV. He was safe to leave. Truth was, he didn’t know where he was going. His feet just took him where they decided, and it turned out they just wanted to aimlessly run, hoping to find somewhere where his mind didn’t torment him. Suddenly, he was no longer in the place he had been calling home for more than a month; he was now in a foreign land where he couldn’t control anything around him.

Bile was coming up his throat, and it had a weird tase of mixed sweetness and bitterness. It was odd, and Peter hated it. Sweat was starting to run down his forehead, and his hands had no longer any sense of stability; they were trembling like there was no tomorrow. Much like the rest of his body, his heart had also gone into defense mode, and he was breathing faster than usual. It didn’t take a genius to know he was panicking, but there was no one there to save him.

Suddenly, that bile couldn’t be contained any longer; his feet stopped, and he threw up in the middle of the woods. It was both comforting and terrifying, but, mostly, it was embarrassing. Peter could almost feel how shameful the sight of him must be, and he didn’t want to deal with it at all. It was fairly sure to assume that no one would know, so he tried to run as far away from the scene, hoping to leave his feelings behind, too.

There were too many thoughts and too much food, it made Peter felt dizzy and tired. It was truly laughable how fast his mood shifted in a matter of hours, and he felt like a maniac for it. Apparently, he had forgotten how much he needed to improve to be better for his city, and he wasn’t doing much for it stuffing his mouth full of food.

Before, the feeling of his knuckles hitting the back of his throat made Peter feel uncomfortable and in pain. It was his duty, and he purged only out of need. Now, though, he felt like, if he didn’t purge, he would go mad. The forest was his setting, and the trees were the only accomplices to the vomit coming out of his mouth at 3am.

Purging usually left an empty feeling in Peter, but not this time. It was confusing and horrifying, and it left him feeling nothing but despair. The Compound was great, but he wanted to run as far away from it as possible. His body wasn’t his anymore; it felt like he wasn’t even there, like that was no longer Peter, only a body running through the woods with no clear goal.

He needed to get away. That was the only solution to his problems. Being around his heroes, and them knowing about his alternate persona, brought a huge weight to Peter’s shoulders, and he hadn’t recognized that before. It was undeniable, though. The more he realized how incredible they were as heroes; the more Peter felt his self-worth decrease to nothing. Spider-Man was who he was, but he really didn’t know how to do it right; he hadn’t ever done anything right in his life.

His nails took upon his left forearm and started scratching. It brought Peter a sense of control he desperately needed, and it was a way for him to ground his body; it was the only way he could come up with to remind himself that he was alive and that he was real.

Unfortunately, Tony had eyes everywhere. There were little places in the Compound where Peter could go where Tony wouldn’t know. It was foolish of him to think that there was even a small chance for him to get away from the Compound without everyone knowing. Tony would probably have one of his suits out to get him before he could figure out where he wanted to go.

There was no point in trying anymore; it was futile. The sun was starting to rise, bringing light to the new day, but it didn’t bring any light to Peter’s mind. He walked back to his bedroom, hoping that sleep would take him soon.

The pain of the constant scratching of his left arm never left him; it was comforting. He didn’t deserve to not feel pain. He had fucked up so many times, and he didn’t deserve to feel good at all. Even after purging, Peter still felt like his stomach could explode at any minute because of how full it was; it was embarrassing, and Peter hated himself for it. He fell asleep pulling at the skin in his stomach and trying to figure out a way to be better.

____________________

The nausea and exhaustion that Peter felt when he woke up was dangerously similar to that of the prior Thursday when he thought he would for sure die. Everything felt odd, and it seemed like his body wasn’t his to command; it was just there. The events of the previous night – or probably just some hours earlier – were still blurry in his mind, and Peter didn’t really know what to make of it. He remembered Bucky, and he remembered running. The back of his throat hurt, so he must’ve certainly thrown up; that part wasn’t very clear in his head.

The bed was so comfortable, and he didn’t ever want to get out of it. There was some false sense of shelter with it; like all of his problems faded if he was under the covers in the overly large bed. It wasn’t like that could happen at all. Tony would come and drag him out of the room if he didn’t come out on his own. Peter wanted to think that it was out of genuine concern, but it was most likely that Tony didn’t want to risk having a dead teenager in his Compound. Either way, Peter wanted to avoid raising any suspicion; the times he hadn’t gone out on his own were times when he genuinely didn’t think he could exist anymore. Tony shouldn’t have to deal with that again.

God, he felt humongous. Every inch of his body was a reminder of his failure, and his brain wasn’t allowing him to ignore it. The food that he had eaten the last couple of days adhered to him and weren’t letting go; they were stubborn, and Peter hated himself for eating so much.

What was he even thinking? How could he be foolish enough to think that eating would make him a better Spider-Man? It only went to prove of how delusional he was; it was disgusting. That could never happen again. It was for the worse; he would certainly be slowed down and be too distracted by the food around him. He couldn’t afford that; he couldn’t dishonor Sophie’s memory like that.

Now that his mind was working through possible ways to fix his mistakes, Peter realized that no one knew he had purged in the woods. It was a great idea, really. Tony couldn’t have FRIDAY snooping around every inch of the Compound. Peter hadn’t seen any kind of tech in the woods, and it wasn’t an easy feat to achieve. Honestly, he could leave any sort of StarkTech behind so that FIRDAY wouldn’t know and then he could finally, peacefully, purge out his sins.

Unfortunately, that animal-like hunger hadn’t left him yet. It remained there; lurking and waiting for Peter to have a minor slip so that it could attack and render him defenseless. Peter knew he had to avoid food again, he wanted to avoid eating. It was the only way for him to make up for the massive fuck-up that his weekend was.

Breakfast should be an easy meal to skip. It had always been easy to make up excuses, and most people weren’t really there to keep track of what Peter ate. Sadly, there was always someone; he had to be careful about his choices. His life had become a calculator, and it was simply draining. Tony said no one was to have breakfast after 10:30am. Tony didn’t have to know that he timed his morning so that his stay in bed until 9:45am and the subsequent hour run were lining up to a perfectly orchestrated scheme.

____________________

“Don’t you think it’s a bit late to be rummaging for food?”
“Oh, uhm, hi, Mr. Stark.”
“So?”

It was almost 10:50am and Peter had gone into the left kitchen to open the fridge and make it seem like he was actually looking for breakfast. Most people would think that he didn’t notice that Tony was sitting on the couch next to the kitchen, but Peter knew. He could hear the man complaining about news outlets from the tracks; Peter knew what he was doing.

“Uhm, it’s not that late, right?”
“You know how it works, kid. It’s past 10:30am, you’ll have to wait for lunch. Rhodey’s cooking lasagna; you better make space for it.”

Anxiety was building up in Peter’s chest and he was trying to control his breathing. The mention of food – especially that choice of food – was freaking him out. He didn’t even want to think about the calories and the fat, it was just too much. His left arm was in pain; Peter didn’t even realize it, but he was scratching the same spot as last night. It hurt, but it was good. He had to keep himself grounded, and if that was the only way, so be it.

“Mr. Stark, is it okay if I go out on patrol? I had fun yesterday and I thought I could do some good today, too, you know?”
“When are you going to eat?”
“What do you mean?”
“What are you having for lunch?”

Tony’s question worried Peter, especially the implications of it. Was he suspicious of him again? Was he just making small talk? Peter couldn’t know for sure, and it was just frustrating. The last couple of days had shown Peter that Tony really did believe he was doing okay, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was always wrong; how could he trust his mind anymore?

“I can stop for a burger or something.”
“Huh.”
“I’ll eat, I promise.”
“You need to be back before dinner, there’s something we need to discuss with you.”
“What is it about?”
“Don’t worry about it, kid, go have fun.”

Maybe it was the food; maybe it was the lying; maybe it was the uncertainty of Tony’s words, but Peter felt his anxiety increasing, and it was getting hard to control. Peter wondered if Tony realized that he was starting to scratch a bit too hard, and that tiny red specs were making themselves noticeable. It was instinctual, really. He hadn’t felt anything like it before, but it was just his response now.

He chose not to comment on it, though. Peter had worked really hard to make Tony believe that what he had seen was something minor, and that he had nothing to worry about. If he showed that he was losing his mind at the mention of lasagna, Tony would be alarmed again, and it would just make everything worse for everyone. Plus, maybe if he fooled everyone at the Compound it would come a time when he fooled himself, too.

____________________

Spider-Man was supposed to be the better version of Peter. Spider-Man was supposed to be a hero. But Peter wasn’t; he was a fraud, or that’s how he felt like. There was something about that morning; he wasn’t feeling it at all. Every single time he had gone out on patrol before, he was confident, and he knew that he wanted to be there. Not this time.

His stomach hadn’t yet settled, not that it seemed like it ever would. The dizziness in his head and the pain in his limbs made him feel terrible and disgusting, which only added to the seemingly endless pool of self-hatred. But he couldn’t simply ignore what life had given him. He was given powers, and he had sworn that he would use them for the good of the people.

This wasn’t it. He was being lazy and ungrateful, and every passing moment made that feeling worse. Sitting on a rooftop in the northmost side of Queens made Peter want to cry. It was absolutely disgusting; the sight of him. Sophie was his responsibility, and she died anyway. He failed her, and he couldn’t fail anyone else. He was an idiot for ever thinking that eating would be an alternative to make things right and to make up for his mistakes. She was a smart woman, and Peter was wondered what she would be doing if she hadn’t died because of him. He still grieved, and, sitting on that rooftop, made tears flow down his cheeks and it made him hate himself further, if ever possible.

Peter couldn’t fail her anymore; he couldn’t fail the city anymore. Trying to gather any energy within him, Peter forced himself to swing around Queens on the lookout for people who could use his help. It was just weird. His body had the energy; he had eaten so much lately that his enhancements were there. But he was feeling off. His body wasn’t reacting well to not having eaten anything in the last 10 hours after having repeatedly binged the day before.

God, that animal hunger was going to be the death of him. It was so hard to ignore it and focus on what he should be doing. It was nagging at Peter, though; screaming at him to go stuff his mouth with whatever he could find that would choke his throat enough for it to block any feelings that came up. Distractions were all around him, but Peter didn’t have the strength to focus on something different; so, he failed at ignoring that hunger.

Tony had to believe he was eating, that was a top priority for Peter. He didn’t want Tony to be, once more, roped into the mess of his mind, so he had to do what he could to convince him that everything was okay. Last time he bought a subway sandwich and gave it away to someone who needed it. Why wouldn’t that work this time?

With that in mind, Peter stopped at a burger joint just a bit west of the Forest Hills Stadium and bought a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a large soda; paid it all with the credit card Tony gave him. From experience, Peter realized that Tony would see what he bought there; it would be much easier than paying with debit card. After having received the package, Peter quickly spotted a man sitting under the bridge in 71st Avenue. Instantly, he gave the food to him and, after being thanked, Peter took off in the lookout for people who could use his help.

After swinging for almost an hour and helping just two men with groceries, Peter stopped at the Rufus King Park. He hated himself for it, but he just didn’t feel like swinging anymore. It was so strange, though. Being Spider-Man, and being out on patrol, was one of the things that Peter enjoyed most. That afternoon it felt like a chore he dreaded and wanted to avoid. How could he be so selfish?

His body didn’t respond to his brain, so he continued his patrol by foot, walking around to see who else needed help. Maybe he wouldn’t swing, but he refused to leave Queens after only 4 hours. Quickly, those 4 hours turned into 6, and Peter helped stop a couple of muggings and gave directions to a lot of tourists. After all, it was the middle of July; the city was overflowed with tourists, but Peter was happy to do his part to help them have a nice stay.

At 5:30pm Peter heard a sharp scream and immediately swung in its direction. It wouldn’t have been his choice, but Peter knew he wouldn’t forgive himself if he decided to walk there; it was idiotic of him to even consider that to be a choice. Memories of Sophie’s murder came flashing back to Peter’s mind, as the scream came from the Haym Salomon Square; it was only two blocks away from where he found Sophie.

A man laid on the floor with a pool of blood surrounding him; he had been stabbed right in his stomach. Instinctively, Peter looked around to see what had happened, and, thankfully, Peter saw the criminal running down Main Street. Those settings Tony installed in his suit came in very handy; with a web grenade, Peter was able to trap the man to the floor, and he felt slightly relieved that, this time, he wouldn’t get away.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god.”
“You’re – you’re Spider-Man.”
“I’m gonna get you help, don’t worry, everything’s going to be alright, it’s going to be okay.”
“Sounds good.”

The man was responsive, and he seemed to be in a light enough mood to talk to Peter. With any ounce of sanity left in Peter, he tried to cover the wound to prevent any further blood loss. For a moment Peter thought that maybe he could web the wound, but he wasn’t sure if the components of the web fluid would do more harm than good; he couldn’t risk that. It would be nice to have something like that for the future; he had to bring it up to Tony.

“Karen, please call 911, tell them to bring an ambulance.”
“They’re on their way, Peter.”

He had learned his lesson from last time; he couldn’t leave the man behind just for his identity’s sake. He would rather be caught than have someone else’s death on his hands. Maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal, he hoped it wouldn’t. Peter could sense people gathering around them and taking pictures; it brought chills down Peter’s spine. He had never enjoyed the attention, and he hated having that right now when a man could die in his arms at any moment.

“What’s your name, sir?”
“I’m Andrew; nice to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you, too. Do you have any family or something?”
“I have a dog – she’s the sweetest, I bet you’d like her.”
“Well, maybe I’ll meet her someday; just hold on for a couple of minutes, help will be here, and you’ll be with your dog in no time.”
“You’re a good guy, Spider-Man.”
“Just trying to do my part.”

Peter was trying his absolute best to keep his cool and have the man believe that the situation wasn’t as bad as Peter knew it was. The sleeves of his suit were soaking red, making the fabric a far darker shade, and it was freaking him out. His voice wavered with every word he spoke, and he prayed to anything above that the man didn’t sense his panic.

Sirens were sounding in the back and Peter let out a relieved sigh. Even if he wasn’t looking, Peter knew that people gathered around the webbed criminal, which meant he wasn’t getting away; it was definitely a relief. The ambulance took the man away from Peter’s arms and he felt empty in a way he couldn’t describe. At least he knew that he was alive, for now.

“Karen, please update me on his status.”
“Will do, Peter.”

After ten minutes, the crowd started dispersing when the criminal had been taken away and the ambulance drove off. Peter stayed for as long as he could, but he knew he couldn’t stay for a long while; it would be irresponsible.

Half an hour later Peter decided to call it a night. The situation shook him to his core, and he could feel his heart beating way faster than it was supposed to. His stomach was empty, and it was protesting. Memories of Sophie clouded his mind, and he just didn’t have the mental strength to stay focused on helping people. Instead, he started carelessly swinging north to the Compound; it would probably be best to have a breakdown there instead of in the city where everyone would see how vulnerable Spider-Man was.

____________________

The now familiar call to dinner came to Peter’s ears when he landed on top of the left building. A weird mix of sentimentality and terror invaded him, and it was painful to live with such dichotomy in his brain every single day. He had grown to love having dinner with the entire team, and he wouldn’t change it for the world. Now, though, that animal hunger that was quiet during the day was starting to wake, and it was not a good thing.

May always taught him that, in public, he should never wear pajamas for dinner; so, Peter went to his room and changed into jeans and a hoodie. He would’ve given anything to just get into his pajamas and hide under the covers, but it was a terrible choice. Tony needed to see him eating, but, also, that desperate cry for food in his brain wouldn’t leave him alone; he had to eat.

The whole incident with the man still had him shaken, and he could actually feel his limbs trembling on his way to the main kitchen. Karen hadn’t told him anything about how the man was doing, and the uncertainty was killing Peter. He wouldn’t survive if the man died, it would break him. His subconscious decided that it was enough, that he needed to think about something else: food. Peter disagreed, but there was nothing he could do about it other than hope it wouldn’t be so bad.

As soon as he entered the kitchen, the strong smell of grease invaded him, and he could almost gag at the number of pizza boxes laid on top of the counters. There were at least 12 of them, and it was overwhelming.

“Take one box and carry it upstairs, today’s a change of pace.”
“Having dinner in the living room? That’s wild of you, Rhodes.”
“Knock it off, we have stuff to go through.”

Everyone followed the man’s order and they found themselves in the living room, everyone taking a place in the seats around the sofa, or the sofa itself. Peter had never seen that before; they usually scattered around the room and took to themselves. This time they were all together, and it was oddly comforting; it almost made Peter forget how ravenous he felt.

Like the day before, Peter didn’t know when time went by. One minute he was anxiously sitting and waiting for everyone to start eating, and the next one he felt like he could puke everything he had ever eaten, his fingers dripping with grease, and his mind clouded.

“Hungry much, kid? Not even Cap got 13 slices in; I’m impressed.”
“Oh, sorry, Sam; I didn’t intend to eat so much.”
“Don’t listen to him, Pete, Wilson’s only giving you a hard time; you can eat whatever you want.”
“Right, thanks, Mr. Stark.”

After that, everyone remained quiet for a couple of minutes; some of them picking up the empty boxes, and the others casually chatting. Peter stayed silent, sitting on the lonesome chair, hoping to disappear. 13 slices were way too much, and he didn’t even realize when he ate that much, it felt like much less. On top of that was the fact that Karen hadn’t updated him on anything, and he couldn’t really ask her while everyone was with him; it was nerve-wracking.

“Onto business matters; gather up children.”
“What’s up, Stark?”
“Ross got back to us; they went over our draft.”
“And? Did they approve of it? Will it work?”
“No need to be so impatient, Cap; it’s very much unlike you.”
“Cmon Tony, cut to the chase.”
“He said they could compromise on most of it; disagreed on the privacy clause.”

Everyone stopped looking at Tony and turned their heads to Peter. It was obvious that that was the one thing that concerned Peter, and it was terrifying. Peter didn’t know what to make of it; he didn’t know how to react. After the day he had, it was unclear if he would ever be worthy of being an official member of the team. Chances are he would never be good enough for them.

“Uhm, what’s going to happen?”
“Don’t worry about it, kid. We’ll find a way; you won’t get dragged into anything and everything will be just fine.”
“You should lay low for a while, Peter.”
“Steve’s right, better not to draw too much attention to yourself, they’ll start asking questions we don’t have the answers to.”
“Sorry to say this, kid, but they’re right. We don’t want you being a target of the government.”

Truth be told, he was shocked, and he felt panic going up his throat; vomit would come up sooner rather than later if he didn’t collect his emotions. Did they expect him to not be Spider-Man anymore? He knew that he was useless and lazy that day, but Peter never imagined that the day would come when he would have to stop serving his city.

“Oh, yeah, sure, that’s fine, right.”
“Everything okay, Pete?”
“I’m fine, Natasha, really, everything’s fine.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, no, everything’s cool, I get it.”

His phone buzzed and he knew what it was. For a moment, Peter hesitated, not really ready to see what the message would show. If the man had died, Peter would have a proper breakdown in front of everyone. If he didn’t, he would still blame himself for the injuries. Either way he would embarrass himself. Regardless, he read it, knowing it was better to know than to remain ignorant to it.

‘Andrew’s been stabilized and is out of critical condition. More updates soon.’

A sigh of relief escaped him, and he hoped no one would notice. Maybe Bucky’s look at him was because of the Accords deal; maybe he didn’t notice how relieved he was that he didn’t kill someone else.

What if someone died now that they benched him? It was a horrifying thought, but Peter didn’t know how to control or block it. If he learned that someone died in the places he usually operated in, Peter wouldn’t forgive himself. On the other hand, though, was the whole ordeal of his identity. If it ever happened that he did go out and people learned about him, there was no telling what could happen, and he wasn’t prepared to know the answer.

“Uhm, I think I’m gonna head to bed.”
“Everything okay, kid?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine, Clint, I’m okay, just tired.”
“if you say so.”
“Thanks for dinner; goodnight.”

For the longest time Peter had been perfecting the art of playing it cool when he was actually losing his mind. He wanted to leave the living room before he went into a full-blown panic attack; there’s no denying that it was coming, but no one needed to see that. They would know how weak and pathetic he was; Peter would never allow that to happen if he could do something about it.

The animal hunger within him didn’t shut up after the ridiculous number of pizza slices that he ate; instead wanting more. His feet mindlessly took him to the pantry and his hands took as many sweets and chips as possible he could to stuff his hoodie with them. It was so frustrating, though. Peter did know what was going on, but he just couldn’t stop. How was it possible that he had succeeded in avoiding food all day long, but he couldn’t make it past dinner? It was pathetic and humiliating.

The woods awaited him, and Peter could almost feel the dread that came with each step he took in that direction; he was heading into his own doom.

____________________

As soon as he was far enough away of the Compound that the lights were barely a blur, Peter sat down on a log and took out everything he had hoarded. Carefully, he laid it all on the floor, and then started eating like there was no tomorrow. The food in his mouth brought him such comfort but such distress, it was confusing and unnerving.

The food came into his mouth so quickly and so desperately that his throat wasn’t keeping up; he was choking on his food, and he could feel his airways blocking. This was not the way he wanted to die; alone at 11pm at night in the middle of nowhere.

Desperately coughing, and hoping that would do the trick, Peter started crying, and what was blocking his throat finally came out, so Peter spit it out. It was absolutely disgusting, a mix of barely chewed twinkies and colored peanut M&Ms. It freaked him out, and he didn’t know what else to do but to continue eating and trying to pace himself as to avoid anyone finding his body with endless food wrappers surrounding him.

After a good hour of binging, Peter finally stopped, and he felt like his world could actually collapse at any second. It was almost like his body took charge and took revenge on him for not having eaten anything during the day; it was betrayal of the highest order.

Looking around, Peter’s breath got faster and faster, and his anxiety made itself physical. It looked like the scene of a crime; Peter was the criminal, but he was also the victim. God, he hated himself so much, he deserved to feel pain, no one should be allowed to fuck up so much; specially not someone who’s supposed to be a hero.

The scratching in his skin intensified, bringing tiny specks of blood out of his arm. It wasn’t enough, he needed more. Unfortunately, it healed so fast that Peter regretted eating any of it. Fast healing meant his enhancements were working, which meant he was eating way more than he should.

Opting to try something else, Peter started punching his thigh as hard as he could. It was only logical; he put the fat in his thigh, he should do the most he could to take it out of there. It was painful, but it was necessary. He knew that he would be able to live with himself a little longer if the next morning a purple bruise appeared in his thigh.

He was ridiculously full. It felt like there wasn’t any more space in his body for anything other than food. Almost like he didn’t have any organs or bones in his body, everything was food. He couldn’t stand it, he had to take it all out.

Once again, his fingers went down his throat, and it was surprisingly easy to take the food out. There was so much of it, and his knuckles were already starting to bruise, but he couldn’t stop; everything had to be taken out of his body. The world was now just his throat, his fingers, and his self-hatred. Nothing else mattered, and no one else existed.

Except they did, and, when he turned around and saw Natasha, Wanda and Bucky staring wide-eyed at him, Peter really hoped they weren’t real.

Notes:

Hi guys! finally posting this. I was with family last week and I didn't have the time to sit and write something worth reading.

Did you guys expect what happened?

I'm always open to kind criticism and suggestions :)

If you liked this chapter, leave any comments and kudos! it's very encouraging!

 

I hope everyone has a beautiful week,
nk_d26

Chapter 31: time to sort yourself out

Summary:

TW/ Eating disorder thoughts and behaviors

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

This could not be happening; it just couldn’t be real, could it? Peter was careful to get far enough from the Compound so that no one would see him, they couldn’t be real, he must be hallucinating them. Yeah, that’s probably what was going on. The alternative was far too scary to even consider, so, Peter didn’t.

Truth was, there was little he could do to convince himself that they weren’t there. It was like the world stopped and everything stopped moving. Natasha, Bucky, and Wanda stayed as still as trees; eyes widened and a shocked expression on their faces. Peter himself couldn’t bring himself to move. It was obvious that he had to think fast and do something about it, but he was frozen in place.

Words were definitely coming out of his mouth. Peter could feel the air in his inner cheeks and his tongue going dry. But he couldn’t really decipher what he was saying. It was probably nonsense; he could almost feel his stutter and the embarrassment that came with it. What was he supposed to do now? His mind was blank and he had absolutely no idea what to do next.

“What happened, Peter?”
“Is this about last night, kid?”

His lungs didn’t have any air left in them; Peter couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t come up with anything to say that would make this excusable. There weren’t any thoughts, and he was running out of options. Peter knew that they would call Tony in a heartbeat if he didn’t react, but it just wasn’t happening.

In a second, out of the corner of his eye, Peter saw Wanda starting to move her hands, and red hue coming out of them. This wasn’t supposed to happen; not again. Objectively, Peter could understand that she had good intentions, but now wasn’t a time when he was being reasonable, this was a time when he just wanted to stop existing.

“Calm down, Peter, we just want to help you.”

For some unknown reason, that comment tipped him over the edge and made Peter finally react. Before he knew it, his legs started moving as fast as he could recall, and the panic that came with the questions slowly faded away with each second, he ran away from the Compound. Since his arrival to the Compound Peter had always thought of a way to get out of there, but it never became a plan. Now, though, at the limits of the Compound, his only plan was to jump as high as he could to get out. It worked.

God, he was so exhausted. His day just kept getting worse and he just wanted to pass out; his body certainly agreed. There was no way to be sure, but whatever sense of direction Peter had told him that he was heading south. He wanted to feel home again, so it made sense, right?

Home was safe. Home was supposed to be safe. Now that he thought of it, he had no home; it brought tears to his eyes. Deep down, Peter knew he wasn’t safe wondering around the woods in the middle of the woods. The Compound was much safer; probably the safest place in the State, but not to him. Right now, he was scared shitless.

He had run away. Peter had no idea what Natasha, Wanda, and Bucky thought of his outburst, and facing them was as scaring as scaring got. They would probably be freaked out by him; certainly disgusted. Who was weak enough to think it was safe to puke within the Compound limits? Who would even think of puking in any other place than a toilet?

They surely told Tony. Any rational person would. They told Tony. What was going to happen now? He would probably kick him out of the Compound; probably wouldn’t want to deal with him anymore. Peter was now heavy weight, and he wasn’t worth carrying. Had Tony told Pepper and May? They were always so kind to him, they shouldn’t be bothered with him; they both had such busy schedules, and Peter was selfish to even take up an ounce of energy from them.

Tony hated him. There was now no doubt in saying that. He was nice enough to offer Peter a place to stay when his aunt went away to Sweden and here he was, creating yet another problem for Tony; he would definitely kick him out. Where was he going to live? How was he supposed to eat? There was no way he could take food away from people who actually needed it, so soup kitchens were out of the question. What was he even thinking? He didn’t deserve to eat, too much trouble was caused because of him.

Sweat was dripping down his neck, and it felt like it was choking him. His chest was hurting, and Peter wondered if this was it; the way he was going to die. Did he want to die? No, he was scared to die, but now that he was trembling cold Peter couldn’t come up with a nicer alternative. With his heart racing, and a view to the clear summer night sky, everything went black.

____________________

There was a light, that much Peter knew. Was this the light that everyone talked about? Did he get the chance to choose? Maybe he had done something right in his life and was given this opportunity. It felt peaceful; at least for a moment it did. Second by second, the light became brighter, and it was now hurting Peter’s eyes, even if they weren’t yet open.

Without his permission, they did, and he was hit with the strong sunlight that illuminated the greenery around him. He definitely was in a forest. Probably was in a forest. Maybe he was in a forest? His mind was now a foggy place, and he was very disoriented. Before, he had never struggled with that. Being Spider-Man, and knowing his borough, gave him an acute sense of direction; it just wasn’t working with him.

His body had been through it; it felt like someone had run him over with a tractor, and his bones had turned to mush because of it. His muscles weren’t happy, either. From what Peter could tell, he woke up on the floor, with several rocks around him. Not even in his worst night out on patrol had he ever felt as sore as he now did. Probably not the greatest idea to sleep on the ground with no way for his spine to catch a break.

There was so much going on, and Peter could almost feel it coming. The light was so bright, and the strong smell of pines was quickly becoming a stench. It had happened before, so there was not really anything he didn’t expect. But no one told him to go out and sleep in the middle of nowhere.

He slept in the middle of nowhere. He wasn’t at the Compound. What time was it, anyway? Someone must’ve noticed that he was gone. Peter couldn’t know for sure, but what he did know was that he screwed up big time, and there was no easy way out of it. Tony didn’t know that he was alive. Tony didn’t know that he was alive.

If the headache didn’t kill him, Tony definitely would. One thing Peter knew for sure was that Tony didn’t want to have a teenager die while he lived at his Compound. Now that he wasn’t there, Peter wondered if this would get him kicked out. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing, he would definitely make Tony’s life easier by not being there to bother him.

What was he thinking? Tony didn’t care about him. He probably didn’t even realize he was gone. Most days they didn’t cross each other’s paths until lunch; but even if it was after lunchtime, Tony had so many more things to worry about more than a problematic teen.

Huge problem: he had no idea where he was. Peter had to think about what he should do next, but he didn’t have anything to go on with. Maybe if he had any clue as to where the north was, maybe he could make his way back to the Compound. It was foolish of him to think there was any other alternative. If he didn’t go back, Tony would call May, and Peter didn’t want to be more of a problem to her.

Much like the night before, his brain was starting to get stubborn and denying him from any coherent thoughts. He had barely walked a few steps, but his legs were unforgiving and quickly gave up, falling to the ground. Maybe, if he fell asleep, he would find that peaceful light he initially thought he saw. Maybe the last voice he heard before passing out was the call for him to finally get to peace.

“I found him.”

____________________

The last thing Peter remembered was feeling a hard surface against his spine and the pain that came with that. Now that he was waking up, he realized the difference with where he now was. His bed was soft, almost like a marshmallow, but it felt safe. Embarrassment was the only word Peter could use to describe how he felt now that he remembered what happened the night before.

How was he going to face Natasha, Bucky and Wanda? Peter really hoped there was a way for him to just stay in the bed forever and never have to see them again. They were all so nice to him, and he had been rude; they didn’t deserve that. Now that he thought about it, Peter didn’t really know how they reacted. After the shock, Peter got out of there as fast as his feet allowed him to; he never once looked back. Maybe it wasn’t that bad.

What was bad was his headache. Even if the room was pitch black, his head wasn’t forgiving him for the night before, and it was annoying. Peter just wanted to catch a break; maybe just cease to exist for a couple of weeks so that he could just breathe.

“What the hell, Parker?”

Peter really hoped it would take a bit longer for him to face Tony. He obviously anticipated the rage and concern, but he really counted on the false hope that he would wait just a couple of hours after he got back to reality.

“What were you thinking? were you thinking? Sure doesn’t look like it.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“Zip it, I’m talking. Why didn’t you take your phone, huh? Why didn’t you tell anyone that you were heading out? You’re smarter than this.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, I really am.”
“I was worried sick, kid; I was about to call the police.”
“Oh.”
“Do you even know how long you were gone? It’s past midday, Peter.”
“I just –”
I’m not done
“Sorry.”

If only Tony would let Peter say something; he wanted to apologize, more than anything. It was pretty obvious that, willingly or not, Tony took Peter into his home, and it was pretty clear that he wouldn’t just accept that Peter ran away like it was nothing. He knew for a fact that he screwed up, but Tony wasn’t holding back in reminding him exactly how bad it was.

God, he wanted to cry. Lately, that seemed to be the only thing that he was doing right. Everything had gone downhill, and it was just too much to process. Now that they were forcing him out of being Spider-Man, Peter didn’t know who he was or what was he supposed to do. There was no purpose in his life, and it was breaking down everything within him. His impulses begged him to get up and run away, but he wasn’t stupid enough to follow that particular desire; it would be disastrous.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Tony started calming down, and Peter hoped that he would stay that way, at least for the rest of the day. Outside of the room was uncharted territory; there was no telling what awaited him when he crossed the door. If he could just stay inside for the afternoon, that would make the whole situation better.

“You can’t do this again, Peter, we were all worried.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“Everyone was out looking for you, kid; you put us all through a wringer.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“Natasha came to my lab around 1am with the much displeasing news that you ran away, upset.”
“Oh.”
“We couldn’t find you, Peter, there wasn’t anything to go on with.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“You know Rhodey and Sam used their suits to find you? They stayed up all night flying around the area.”

They wasted resources on him; Peter didn’t deserve that. It was shameful that they lost so much time and energy on him, he wasn’t worthy of that much trouble. They were grown men with their own lives, and they certainly shouldn’t have to be concerned with a pathetic teenager who couldn’t handle his own emotions. How could Peter be so selfish?

“Uhm, Mr. Stark? What did Natasha tell you?”
“Is there anything she should’ve told me?”

Staying quiet was the wise choice. After all, Peter couldn’t really know if she told him that they found him fingers down his throat, or if she kept the details to a minimum. If it, hopefully, was the latter, Peter couldn’t be foolish enough to go and betray himself like that.

“She said you were upset and that you ran out.”
“Oh.”
“What even happened, kid? What were you thinking when you decided to take off like that?”
“Uhm, yeah – actually, uhm, what happened was that –what happened was that I sensed someone was in danger? You know, with the whole senses thing; I decided to check it out, I couldn’t just not go, you know?”
“What, now?”
“Spider-Man is supposed to be helpful, right? I just thought that I could be useful.”
“Did you think for a second that you didn’t have your suit? What would’ve happened if they saw a child running like mad through the woods? You didn’t think things through, kid.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong. Truly, the whole lie came up without his brain having any input in it; it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t back down. If he changed the story now, Tony would know that there was something wrong past his lies, and he couldn’t risk that.

“It was irresponsible, Peter. We just told you to lay low. Don’t you understand how much is at stake?”
“I do, Mr. Stark, I’m sorry.”
“You can never do this again, you hear me?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark.”
“You almost gave me a heart attack; hell, you would’ve probably given your aunt a heart attack all the way to Sweden.”

An uncomfortable silence that Peter hadn’t known in a while set in the room and they just awkwardly sat across from each other. Personally, Peter didn’t want to look at Tony. He was much too ashamed, and he knew he would cry if he met his eyes. The man meant so much to Peter; he couldn’t afford to put him through any more bullshit.

“You need to shower, Peter; you’re having lunch with all of us.”
“Uhm, actually, could I stay in t–”
“You’re threading on thin ice, kid; better be grateful I’m not locking you in the room. Get ready; main kitchen in half an hour.”

A part of Peter found kinda funny how Tony threatened to lock him in his room if he pulled any more stunts, but it was mostly scary to think about the possibility that he wasn’t kidding. In any case, Peter really didn’t want to find out.

____________________

When Peter first started living at the Compound, he was scared about the whole thing with the Rogues. His loyalty to Tony was unwavering, and it was scary to think that he was going to live with the ones that hurt him. After the first weeks, Peter realized it wasn’t that bad, and he actually grew close to some of them. Lately, though, he felt closer to the ones he wanted to avoid the most.

Facing Wanda, Natasha, and Bucky meant that Peter had to have some rational answers to their questions, and it wasn’t like there was something he could come up with that wasn’t ridiculous. Tony didn’t see what happened in the woods so, it was much easier making him fall for his lies. On the other hand, they had seen him purge, and there were very little explanations that would excuse what happened.

Their reaction scared Peter. He had never seen them mad; at least not at him. Even the thought of being at the receiving end of someone’s anger brought bile up Peter’s throat. They could also not care about it; though, that was unlikely. After all, Natasha talked to Tony when he ran away; she could’ve easily kept that information to herself. Not knowing was excruciating.

Had they told anyone? It seemed like Tony was very much unaware of what actually happened, that was good. But Peter couldn’t be sure if they had talked to Sam, Clint, or Steve. If they told them, Peter might as well run out of the Compound and as far away as his legs would carry him. If everyone on the right building knew, it was pretty pointless and foolish to hope that Tony would remain in the dark about it.

There were so many unanswered questions in Peter’s mind, and it was starting to bring his anxiety up his spine, to the point where he actually felt chills. That headache came back sooner than Peter would’ve wanted to, and he knew all color drained from his face. He just wanted to run away to deal with this on his own; maybe no one would notice if he left.

“Everything okay, kid?”

So much for hoping. Sam wasn’t always a man who took notice to every little detail. Lately, though, it seemed like he did, and Peter didn’t know if that was something he liked. Not this time, though. As soon as Sam spoke to him, both Tony and Wanda turned their heads in his direction, and he could almost feel their urge to know what was happening.

“Oh, yeah, no, I’m okay, really. Everything’s fine – I’m fine, probably just hungry.”

Hungry. Was he hungry? He couldn’t really tell. Maybe not for hunger, but he so badly wanted to eat. He also didn’t though. His brain effectively turned to mush, and every single thought came with its contradiction and its uncertainty; he was hungry, but he wasn’t; he wanted to starve, but he wanted to binge; he wanted to cry but he didn’t want to be seen. It was so frustrating.

There wasn’t any point in anything, really. Why should he eat if he wasn’t allowed to be Spider-Man anymore? Why should he live if he wasn’t allowed to be Spider-Man again? Peter felt an almost sentient being take place in his mind, and the darkness in it was far too scary for him to face. It brought numbness and grief, and Peter didn’t know how much else he could take.

Peter’s plate had already been served when he sat on his usual seat at the table. That was not a good sign. Tony did know. He had to, right? Why else would his plate already be filled with steak, rice, and steamed vegetables? The last time he remembered that happened, he had just caught him purging. Why else would his plate already be served?

Trying to focus on his food and trying not to focus on the conversation, Peter nervously watched Tony and Natasha. She had told him about his situation, maybe they would both be wary of what he was doing during the meal. To his relief, or maybe his disappointment, they seemed to care very little about him. It was embarrassing; thinking that they cared about him enough to take time of their meal to watch a teen eat.

Maybe his senses were, again, failing him, but he swore Wanda didn’t take her eyes off him during the entire meal. It was pretty obvious that she wanted to talk to him about what happened the night before, and Peter didn’t know if he was ready for that. The last time he was upset, and she noticed, they ended up getting in a whole argument about her using her powers against him. God, he hoped that wouldn’t happen again.

The conversation went pretty stale pretty quickly, and the environment turned very uncomfortable. Clearly, everyone knew he disappeared the night before, and most of them – if not all – were probably involved in the effort to find him. But, thankfully, no one commented on it.

“Listen up, everybody. We’re expecting the Wakandans to come in this afternoon for some trade deals and, most importantly, the Accords.”
“That’s good, Tony.”
“Everyone better be on their best behavior; we don’t want them to know how much of a shitshow the writing of the first draft was.”

Tony mentioned that. Peter knew that they were coming to the Compound this week, why did he forget? He didn’t know how to act around them. He didn’t know if he was even going to meet them. He didn’t know if they knew why he was at the Compound. He didn’t know if they knew he was Spider-Man.He didn’t know anything. The uncertainty and stress about the whole thing was starting to make Peter dizzy, but he had to try his best to stay as steady as he could. Otherwise, Tony would make a whole fuss about it, and he wanted to avoid that.

“Uhm, Mr. Stark? Will I meet them?”
“Yes, Pete, you’re going to meet them. They know who you are and why you’re here. If you feel up to tell them about your vigilante extracurricular activities, that’s up to you.”
“Oh, yeah, about that –”
“We’ll discuss the Spider-Man suit anyway; incorporating vibranium in it will do you some good.”
“Is it even worth it? It’s not like I will get to use it.”

Evidently, that was an awkwardness trigger. The small talk that everyone was involved in came to an abrupt halt and every single member of the team turned and focus their attention to Peter and his conversation with Tony. Usually, Peter would’ve hated that and would’ve done anything to get out of that situation. Not today, though.

“Any problem with that?”
“You just don’t get it, do you? I’m nothing without Spider-Man; I need to be useful to the city.”
“We talked about this, kid, you’re not – ”
“I can’t coward behind a wall, Mr, Stark, I won’t act like I couldn’t do more when I know I can.”
“Peter, you need to unders–”
“What if something happens? What if someone dies?”

Peter tried his best to look at Tony like he was begging for help; he was. Truly, what came out was a somber glance, but it didn’t fulfill its purpose. On the contrary, Tony seemed annoyed at him. Peter just wanted to crawl under the earth and disappear so that he didn’t have to deal with the consequences of his outburst.

“It’s for your safety, Peter, you need to be careful. None of us want you endangering yourself.”
“Steve’s right, Peter. You need to cooperate and try to understand that it’s for the best.”
“Yeah, I understand, Rhodey.”

Honestly, he would continue arguing with them if it weren’t for the tears that were threatening to escape him. It was much easier for him to shut up and agree than to accept the fact that he cried in front of them. The subject had already switched back to the Accords, but Peter’s mind remained with Spider-Man. He needed to let it all out. Quickly picking his plate up and thanking for the food, Peter left, hoping that crying for a while would ease his mind.

____________________

Initially, Peter thought about the woods. After all, it was the only place where Tony couldn’t watch him, and he needed that. Truth was, he was much too overwhelmed to go that far. On the other hand, when he was behind the main building, in front of the lake, he felt at peace, and that was something he desperately needed.

There were so many things on his mind, and he was having a full-on freakout. Food was freaking him out. He didn’t want to eat anymore. The lack of self-control was unknown to him, but last night proved that he didn’t have it anymore. Eating anything at all was scary; he didn’t trust himself to eat anything, otherwise he’d probably go to the pantry and binge on whatever he could find. That was unacceptable.

Spider-Man was no more, at least that was what Peter understood from what Steve and Rhodey were saying. If he wasn’t allowed to go out anymore on patrol, the city was in danger, and Peter hated the thought of that. Memories of Sophie’s murder came flooding his mind, and he remembered the helplessness when he knew she died. Ben died that way, too. He already had his powers, but he didn’t do anything to help him. It was his fault that May had to deal with him.

May wasn’t here, she was so far away, so far out of his reach. He missed her so much; her embrace was warmth, and her kind words eased his mind. She was everything to him and he missed her so so much. But truth was, she was out in Sweden following her dreams, and Peter couldn’t be so selfish to make her come back to New York because he was being a crybaby.

Peter knew Tony was losing his patience with him. He had never had the obligation to take care of a child, much less a random teen from Queens. Tony got something he didn’t ask for, and Peter was making it worse for him. Tony wasted so much time and so many resources on him; they would’ve gone to more important matters than him. He was disappointing him.

His lungs started working much faster than was necessary, and he began hyperventilating. The thoughts in his mind were running a thousand miles an hour, and it was so hard for him to focus; he felt like passing out. It was something he wanted to avoid, but he just didn’t know how, it was now a matter of time.

Suddenly, Peter felt a hand on his shoulder, and an image of the Alley Pond Park appeared in his mind. The lake worked as a mirror to the green trees, and the wind hit his face in the most refreshing way. It brought Peter a sense of peace he knew he needed but didn’t know where to get it from. Little by little, he started calming down, and his lungs returned to their normal function.

After a few minutes, the illusion slowly faded away, leaving a trace of red specks behind. Wanda was standing on his right, her hand still on his shoulder and a small smile on her face. Peter was so grateful for what she had just done, but he didn’t know if the whisper was loud enough for her to hear.

“Thanks.”

Her smile widened, and she gestured him to seat next to her on the bench they usually sat on when they were together out by the lake. The whole situation was scary, really. Even if she had just saved him from a panic attack, Peter was scared that she would make him talk about the night before, and he was just not ready to talk about it.

Thankfully, what happened was that she silently sat next to him, and they simply looked at the lake, the peace of the illusion coming to reality. Peter was so glad that it was Wanda instead of anyone else. They had grown close to each other, and he was grateful that she was giving him space. Truth was, Peter knew he would have to talk to them about what happened, but he really hoped it wouldn’t be soon.

Half an hour went by, and that sense of peace never for a minute leave him. For a single second Peter felt like he didn’t have any problems; it was just him sitting in front of the lake, just admiring the view. There was no food, no Spider-Man, no Sweden, and no Tony. All his concerns were leaving him, and Peter wanted to embrace each second they didn’t haunt him.

“Do you feel like talking, Pete?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“You do have a choice, always. Maybe you’ll feel better if you talk to someone.”
“I just don’t know what to do.”
“What happened last night?”

Whatever he said next would determine what would happen in the next upcoming days, if not weeks. Peter couldn’t be sure if she would believe any lies he told her. She was a very smart woman, but, with her powers, she would probably know something wasn’t right.

The safe bet was to say it had to do with Spider-Man. Deep down Peter knew it wasn’t at all about that; maybe if he could convince her, he could eventually believe it himself. Who knows? Maybe his subconscious really made him purge because of the whole deal with his alternate persona. Anyway, it was a much better excuse than saying what really happened.

Peter’s mind was a mess, he just didn’t know what to believe anymore. He couldn’t trust himself or his mind, that much was very clear to him. He was slowly descending into madness, and he didn’t know how to stop. He also knew he couldn’t trust anyone around him, even if he really wanted to. They would misunderstand what he said, and he would just be seen as a burden and a problem; no one wanted that.

“I don’t know what to do.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“You know, with this thing about Spider-Man, it’s complicated.”
“How is it complicated?”
“I really believe I can still go out on patrol; I can be careful.”
“That may be true, Peter, but they know what they’re talking about, and they don’t think it’s safe for you.”
“I need to protect the people; I need to be better.”
“Why do you feel that?”

Without his permission, tears started flowing down his face. He couldn’t well hide what that was about, he knew for sure why he felt the need to be perfect. It was always hard to talk about, though. Spider-Man had failed them, and he was responsible for their deaths.

“Ben died because of me.”
“Your uncle?”
“Yes. I couldn’t save him. I wasn’t fast enough, I could’ve done something, but I couldn’t move. It’s my fault he’s dead.”
“Sometimes people mess up, Peter; I have my share of it. It’s scary, and I understand why you feel guilty. Truth is, dwelling on it won’t help anyone; it’ll only hurt you.”
“Huh?”
“What I mean is, it’s okay to accept that not everything can be under our control.”

Peter was grateful for her, but he didn’t believe nor agree with anything she said. She did have experience with grief, but this was something else entirely, and she just didn’t understand what was going on. Even if he was thankful that she was by his side, Peter just wanted to be left alone.

“I guess you’re right.”
“Was that all that happened?”
“What do you mean?”
“We were worried about you. We wanted to help you, but you ran away.”
“I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t have wasted so much on me.”
“There’s no need to apologize, Peter, we care about you, and we’ll do anything to help you.”

____________________

In all honesty, Peter didn’t want to be in the main living room. He wanted to stay outside with Wanda for the rest of the evening. After they stopped talking, they went back to watching the lake. Sadly, Tony let them know that the Wakandans were about to arrive, and that they should meet them in the main living room.

Peter also didn’t want to go back to his room. He was so afraid to be alone with his thoughts; it was terrifying and truly dangerous. At least Wanda believed what he said and locking himself up in his room would probably tear down that façade.

They were in the main living room since 3:30pm, but Tony said they’d be there at 4:30pm. During that time, Peter decided to avoid his thoughts and focus his energy on a book, more specifically, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. It was a good distraction, and he had always enjoyed the books.

Time went by in the blink of an eye and he heard Tony coming up the stairs with the visitors by his side. When he saw T’Challa, Shuri, and Okoye, Peter immediately stood up, trying to seem as chill as possible about the situation. They exuded such a grand aura, and he felt compelled to just heed anything they said.

“Hey kid, let me introduce you. King of Wakanda, T’Challa. Princess Shuri, and, of course, General Okoye.”
“Uhm, hi, your Majesty – your highness? Uhm, yeah, it’s an honor Ma’am, Sir, uhm –”
“Don’t worry about it, you can call us by our names.”

Tony’s laugh made Peter blush, and he just wanted to hide. How was he supposed to address them? No one told him anything about it, and his intuition betrayed him, and he just ended up making a fool of himself.

“We were just discussing vibranium tech; wanna join?”
“Yeah, sounds cool!”

Being in the elevator with Wakandan royalty was as scary as it got. Peter felt so small, and like he was meaningless in the presence of such incredible people. One good thing was that the excitement of getting to see vibranium technology in action made Peter’s demons back away for a moment. Maybe the embarrassment was worth it, at least for a minute.

Entering Tony’s lab in the main building was bizarre, for a lack of a better word. Usually, Tony hung out there by himself, sometimes with Peter, but mostly on his own. Now that they were there, Peter wondered how it would go. Tony was very protective of his projects and technology, especially after what happened in the StarkExpo. But he couldn’t really be wary of them, right?

Immediately, Shuri laid small pods on the floor, and they started projecting the hologram with the plans and prototypes they had. It was incredibly mesmerizing. Peter had heard about how Wakandan tech worked but seeing it first-hand was unbelievable.

“First of we have the Kimoyo beads. You people have a laughable communication system in dire need of upgrade. It works for A/V, security and geotracking. It can be set up to fit the needs of the user.”
“So, access codes?”
“Yes, Stark, don’t want this falling in wrong hands, do you?”
“No, we don’t; go on.”
“We’ve also got the vambrace shield. It’s time to retire that old fashioned shield that Captain America uses; completely out of time.”
“Shuri…”
“But, brother, this one’s much better. It’s extendable and can be equipped with weapons.”
“Yeah, I don’t think Cap’s a fan of weapons.”
“That’s pretty pathetic.”
“See? Okoye knows.”
“Go on, Shuri.”
“Sure thing, brother. For the iron suits we’ve got strike gauntlets. Mixed up with nanotech, it can be easily incorporated. I’ll take care of it, don’t know if you’ll manage that.”
“That would be great, actually.”
“We have ring blades; we can code nanites to make them easily accessible; bet your team can use that.”

Peter was scared to even get one word out of his mouth. Shuri was teaching Tony a lesson on tech, and Peter never thought he’d ever see that in his lifetime. It was amazing and refreshing to see someone so knowledgeable, it was intimidating but mesmerizing.

“So, any thoughts about that Spider-Man suit I mentioned?”
“Who do you take me for? I did, but it would be fantastic if we had the guy here to give his input.”

His throat betrayed him and Peter choked on his saliva. The attention effectively turned to him when just a second prior no one knew he was there. It immediately turned his cheeks red; it was incredibly embarrassing.

“Sorry, wrong pipe.”

No one seemed to pay much regard to him, so they simply continued talking about whatever they were talking about. Peter lost track of the conversation as soon as Tony mentioned him. Was it such a terrible thing if they knew he was Spider-Man? As hard as he tried, Peter didn’t really see the harm in it, but he would have to talk to Tony about it.

One thing that did come to mind was the Accords. That was probably the whole reason they were there. Peter remembered where T’Challa stood when it came to the Accords, and Peter started doubting about his initial thought about them knowing he was Spider-Man. What if he told Ross about him? What if they forced him to reveal his identity? He just didn’t know what to do.

“We’re going to the business meeting to discuss the Accords, wanna go?”
“Uhm, no, that’s fine, thanks.”

Maybe Tony forgot that they didn’t know about his secret. Peter hoped that the desperate look he shoot his way was telling enough. Apparently, it did, as the man simply nodded and gave him a light smile. The last thing he heard was them discussing trade deals as they were leaving the living quarters, and he could finally breathe.

Now that he knew most – if not all – of them weren’t in the building, Peter headed to the kitchen to fake his dinner. He hoped that, that way, he could avoid sitting through dinner with all of them, especially now that, probably, the Wakandans would join them. In addition to that, Peter was just exhausted. His muscles were still sore from spending the night in the woods and he wanted to lie down and just exist for a while.

Entering the pantry was a challenge all in itself. He was having a hard time not taking everything he saw and eating it all. But this was too good an opportunity to pass – no one was around, and he could just skip the meal without being caught.

Finally, his mind let him go; Peter placed left over rice on a plate and splattered barbecue sauce on the side of the plate. Additionally, Peter took out a pack of burger patty and left it outside, so that they thought he was careless enough to leave it laying around. The last step was taking out a pan and spraying it with olive oil. He heated it up to make it seem like he had actually heated up the meat. It was scary how good he had gotten at faking meals, but he wasn’t complaining.

With much struggle, but still pride, Peter left the main kitchen headed to his room. His stomach was loudly protesting; he was so hungry, but Peter knew that, if he ate anything, he wouldn’t stop. That was something he couldn’t afford. Instead, Peter tried to silence his mind and went to sleep in the bed he had found a safe haven in.

____________________

It didn’t last very long. Peter hoped that he would sleep until the next day, but he was wrong. Just an hour later he had woken up, and he didn’t really know what to do. What he did know was that he didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially not Tony. It wasn’t like he was mad at him or like there was a problem; he just didn’t want to deal with anyone.

Instead of going to a place where he could easily be found, Peter decided to sit on the rooftop of the right building and just stare out to the Compound and the woods around it. It was truly a peaceful scene. He was alone, and everything was silent. With that view, it seemed like nothing was wrong and like his life wasn’t bad.

Two and a half hours later, at 10pm, Natasha appeared on the rooftop and sat next to him. Peter heard when everyone was eating. They ordered food and were chatting and lightly joking in the main kitchen. Peter didn’t know if he hated himself for still being able to hear from so far, but, for now, it was useful to him.

“I was wondering when we’d get a chance to talk.”
“I’m really sorry about what happened, I know it wasn’t my finest moment.”
“Anything else you want to say?”
“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again; I won’t bother anyone with that anymore.”
“You didn’t bother anyone, kid. Wanna tell me what happened?”
“Well, you know, with the whole deal about the Accords and Spider-Man, I guess it was too much? I know it’s pathetic, but I just didn’t know how to handle it.”
“So, you decided to vomit?”
“I was so full it made me dizzy; I just thought that getting something out would make it better.”
“You know that’s not true, right?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“You’re a pretty cool kid, Peter, and a very good hero; it’s okay to take a break sometimes.”
“Someone could get hurt because I’m not there.”
“We’re working on it, Pete; trying to reach an agreement that won’t put you in any harm. You just need to be patient.”
“I’m so sorry for the trouble, none of you should waste so much time and effort on me.”
“Queens is lucky to have you, Peter. They’ll get their hero back soon, but they’ll be fine for a while if you take a break.”
“Yeah, probably.”
“There’s more to it, isn’t it?”

Honestly, Peter didn’t want to answer. After all, she was the one who first figured out he was Spider-Man, and Peter was scared that any words that came out of his mouth would throw him under the bus. Maybe she had seen something, maybe she knew something else was wrong; she probably did. He didn’t want her to know, but deep down he did, and he didn’t want to lie. He didn’t know what to do.

“Nope.”

Notes:

Hi guys! I wanted to show on this chapter how Peter's struggling with what to do and how he genuinely has no idea what to do. Let me know if you think that point got across. Also, introducing T'Challa, Shuri, and Okoye was weird, but I hope partly accurate to the chapters, let me know, though.

I'm always open to polite criticism :)

Let me know what you think! I love reading your thoughts.
Leave any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always really encouraging.

I hope everyone has a nice week!

Chapter 32: hold on tight

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Hey, Pep, how’s it going?”
“Hi, Tony, how are you?”
“Everything’s okay; can’t complain. What about you? How’s business?”
“Remember that green initiative we talked about?”
“Uhm, yeah, I guess?”
“Anyway, we’re building two solar panel farms in India and Morocco, we’re finalizing the deals and will probably start construction in October.”
“That’s great.”
“We’re also sponsoring the Massachusetts solar panel farm expansion; it’s going as planned.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“There’s also a deal on the table for other locations in Germany and Chile, but nothing concrete yet.”
“Well, sounds amazing, let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
“Actually; look into arc reactor technology. I think it’ll make the operation more sustainable and accessible.”
“Sure thing, honey.”

Tony didn’t know what he would do without her. Before he met Pepper, Tony was a complete mess, and his life didn’t really make much sense. That’s something Tony wouldn’t admit to anyone, though. That front of toughness and seriousness was something Tony wanted everyone to believe, if they didn’t, he’d be vulnerable. The last time that happened he ended up beat up in Siberia; it’s not something he wanted to go through again. But, with Pepper, life was easier, and, to some degree, he wasn’t afraid to let people know he actually had feelings.

“How’s everything going with Stark Relief Foundation? With the whole Accords deal it became a priority.”
“Everything’s great, actually. More shelters are being built in what’s left of Sokovia. There’s also work with the United Nations to ensure the refugees are safe and have their needs met.”
“That’s great.”
“A team was sent to London to negotiate the rebuilding of Greenwich.”
“Thor should deal with that; I bet they can very easily afford that in Asgard.”
“Well, for now, it’s our situation to deal with.”
“Unfortunately.”
“Where is he, anyway?”
“I have absolutely no idea, but he better show up soon; the United Nations want him to sign the Accords and I don’t believe a god would like that idea.”

Talking about the Accords seemed to be something that crawled its way in every conversation Tony had; it was exhausting and annoying. The fact that he was in this mess just to keep Steve and his team out of trouble was something Tony would’ve never found believable a few months ago. But here he was, and there was no backing away now.

“There’s also that money you asked to reallocate; it’s done now.”
“Really? What’s going on with that?”
“It’s already been sorted out and approved by the United Nations, and most of the countries are on board. I still need to go over it with the NGOs, but it’ll probably be a done deal by the end of the week.”
“You’re amazing, you know that?”

Finishing his day talking with Pepper was something Tony deeply appreciated. Lately his days have been complicated and just generally a mess. Having that space to just sit down and have a normal chat with his fiancée was god-sent, and Tony appreciated every second of it. She was his lifeline, and Tony believed he could never express to her enough how much he loved her.

“Enough about business; how was your day? How are you liking L.A.?”
“Everything’s good. They’re finally finishing rebuilding your Malibu home.”
our Malibu home.”
“Well, they said it’ll be just a couple more months and then it’ll be ready.”
“That works perfectly; great timing to go inaugurate it.”
“Planning a party?”
“You really think that little of me?”
“Guess we’ll see.”
“When will you show up here? Kinda missing you already.”
“I think I’ll go next week. There’s still some things to sort out before I can take a break.”
“You see, Pep, a great thing about being CEO is that you can take a break any time, remember that?”
“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. Anyway, how’s Peter?”
“Everything’s going great, actually. He seems very happy and he’s eating just fine. I don’t know why we were so concerned. Maybe it really was just a one –”

Just as he was about to say the words he so desperately wanted to believe, a buzz interrupted him. No one ever bothered him when he was in his floor; only Peter was allowed up there, and no one else really tried to go up there. But now Natasha was in front of his door and the words he feared were said before he had time to brace for disaster.

“Tony, come down here, something happened to Peter.”

Suddenly, Tony’s world stopped, and his mind went blank. What could’ve possibly happened that Natasha went up to his floor? No one, no one ever did that. It must be something terrible for her to come to him, and whatever it was, Tony didn’t want to imagine it. Peter had become a major part of his life, and he couldn’t even imagine what would happen if Peter was even slightly hurt.

“I’ll call you back, Pep.”
“Tony, stop, what hap–”

Pepper hated being hung up to like that, but Tony only had his attention on Peter and what happened. Immediately, he shot up from the couch and put on decent shoes to meet Natasha downstairs. Every step he took carried a horrifying thought about what could’ve happened, and he was really trying to avoid freaking out.

“Peter ran away, Tony.”
“What do you mean he ran away
“We found him in the woods. I was with Barnes and Wanda. He ran out before we could talk to him. He seemed upset.”
“Gather everyone up in the living room, immediately.”

Tony was trying his best to think rationally, even if his brain told him to have a meltdown at the thought of Peter running away. Deep down, Tony knew that it was very inconsiderate of him to wake up everyone, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. The only thing that mattered was finding Peter, and he would do anything to make sure he was okay. Even if it meant trusting the ones he still had a hard time getting along with. The more the better, and the best chances they had at finding him.

Why did he run away? Something terrible must’ve happened for him to take off like that; it was very unlike him, and Tony wondered what could’ve possibly happened. Natasha said he was upset, but what about? Up until now, Tony was convinced that he was okay and that everything was going great. Now, though, he started to doubt himself and his instincts.

God, where was he? How was he? The thought of someone taking him stole the air out of Tony’s lungs and he had to hold on to the wall to keep himself steady. What if he was hurt? Granted, he was enhanced, and he healed quickly. But what if he hurt himself so much that it wasn’t enough? What if someone realized he was enhanced? Every terrible option going through his brain freaked him out and he was having a really hard time keeping himself collected.

Tony was so very concerned, but he just wanted to scream at Peter. Why did he run away? Tony knew for a fact that Peter knew better than that. Truth be told, he just wanted to hug Peter and make sure that he would always be okay and safe.

____________________

“Peter’s missing – I need all hands on deck.”
“What happened?”
“Is he okay?”
“What can we do?”

Tony hated impolite people; he really did. His brain was only focused on Peter and getting him back, so, he really didn’t have the energy to say ‘thank you’ or ‘sorry’. Truth was, he really was grateful for them and how they were all instantly concerned and willing to do anything they could to find him. It was also true that Tony was genuinely sorry for waking them up. He absolutely despised being woken up out of the blue; this was something he really appreciated of them.

“I need Steve, Natasha and Clint on the ground. Track whatever clue you can find.”
“Do we know in which direction he was headed? It’ll at least narrow the area.”
“I don’t know, Steve; I’ll let you know if I have something.”
“How can I help?”
“Wilson, you and Rhodey will be on the sky. Anything you can find that could be a hint; or hopefully him.”
“Don’t worry, Tones, we’ll find him.”
“Barnes and Wanda stay on the Compound guarding the perimeter. He may come back and it’s better if someone keeps an eye out on the premises.”
“We’ll let you know.”
“Bruce and I will be on my lab. Hopefully we’ll find something useful to help find him; any clues that would hint us where he could’ve gone.”

Immediately, and without any other word needed, everyone stood up and went to get their gear. Before, though, Tony gave them each a watch so that they could all be on the same page and let everyone know what they saw. Five minutes later, only Bruce and Tony were left in the building, everyone else hurriedly leaving to their tasks.

Bruce knew that Tony had always felt safer and more comfortable in his own lab, so before Tony could move, he held his shoulder and guided him out of the building and into the left one. Bruce was a good man, and Tony made a mental note to thank him for this.

As they were making their way upstairs, Tony realized something he hadn’t thought before. Truly, there was no reason for him not having thought about it; maybe it was the stress about the situation. Tony had given Peter a phone and a watch that were Stark technology. If there was any way for him to track Peter, it would be through those devices.

“FRIDAY, do me a solid, locate Peter’s phone and watch.”
“They’re in the building, sir, in his bedroom.”

There was absolutely no way Peter would do that, he wasn’t that kind of kid. Then again, he was very bright, and he evidently didn’t want to be found. Walking as fast and safely as his legs allowed him to, Tony went to Peter’s room and effectively found both pieces of tech laying on his bed. Without any more thought, he took them up to his lab and calmly put them down. The calm before the rage.

“Why the fuck would he do that?”
“What happened?”
“Peter left his phone in his room. What the hell could he going on that he left those here?”
“Tony…”
“No, Bruce; what the fuck is he doing to think that leaving those here was a good idea? He didn’t think this through, what was going on in his mind, huh?”
“Tony, listen to me.”
what?
“You need to calm down. Working yourself up won’t do anyone any good; it’s time you could be using to find him. When we find him, you can ask him yourself, but, for now, let’s focus on finding him, okay?”
“Sorry, Banner, my bad.”
“So, what are you thinking? Any ideas?”

Bruce was right. Getting mad at Peter wouldn’t be useful at all. Yes, it would let some steam off, but that could wait. After all, Bruce didn’t deserve that rant. Now, when Bruce asked him if he had any ideas, Tony was left in thought for a couple of minutes. If he had any ideas, he would’ve probably done something by now, but evidently, he had to try something else. Issue was, nothing came to mind. Peter was always very communicative, and Tony didn’t for a minute think he would be in this situation trying to figure out where he went to.

“How does this sound: let’s look at the footage of the security cameras outside the fence from where he ran off.”
“Yeah, sounds good, maybe we’ll have some ideas of where he went to.”

Without even asking, FRIDAY pulled up on the holopads the footage from several security cameras that surrounded the area. There was very little they could see; it was all darkness and trees. Hopelessness started invading Tony’s mind, except that Bruce spoke up.

“Is that him?”

A small figure appeared on the northwest side of the Compound. The figure easily jumped above the fence and began running, headed south. That was definitely Peter. His small frame and messy hair told on him, and Tony was so very grateful that they finally had a lead he could give the others.

“Sam, Rhodey; look south. We found footage of him headed down.”
“On it, Tony.”

Tony was so grateful for this, how everyone was spending their night looking for Peter. It was just a small relief to know they had something now to work with. But it wasn’t enough, they had to keep looking.

“What about his friend?”
“Who?”
“Didn’t he say he had a friend from school that he was helping a week ago?”
“Ned? We could call him, maybe he went to his house.”
“Let’s call him, then.”
“It’s 2am, I doubt he’ll pick up. I really doubt Peter went to him; if he left everything here, he probably doesn’t want to be found.”
“What about the police?”
“Yeah, like that could be helpful.”
“Maybe they can help us, Tony.”
“They won’t be of any help, Bruce. It hasn’t been long enough; Peter isn’t officially missing. Plus, do we really want to risk them finding out a child – an enhanced one – in the middle of nowhere?”
“That’ll draw unwanted attention to him.”
“Bingo.”

Tony was losing his mind now. There was nothing else they could find. In the past, he had always come up with solutions and miraculous ways out of trouble. But he couldn’t think of anything to find Peter. That feeling of uselessness brought pain to Tony’s chest, and he was growing more and more concerned by the minute that he would have a panic attack in front of Bruce; no one needed to see that.

Two hours went by, and he hadn’t heard anything from anyone. It was radio silence and excruciating. Tony didn’t want to be rude, he really didn’t, so he stayed silent himself. He knew that, if he spoke, he would probably bark out orders and not very nice comments. But everything they said was negative, and he didn’t know how much else he could take.

“Nothing on our end.”
“We split up but there’s nothing on the perimeter outside the Compound.”
“Nothing on our end, either. Wanda and I circled the entire west-side fence and didn’t see any clues.”
“Nothing up here, Stark. It’s very dark and there’s not much we could see.”
“We don’t know where else to look, Tony.”

Steve’s last sentence brought actual tears to Tony’s eyes. They didn’t dare betray him, so they stayed pooled in there, waiting for him to be alone so they could flow freely through his face. It was almost sunrise, and Tony knew he had to call it a night. Everyone must’ve been exhausted, and it was probably better for all of them to be focused and rested to continue searching.

“We’ll continue in the morning; thank you, everyone.”

Bruce bid Tony goodnight and left to his room. Before heading up to his floor, Tony made sure that everyone had arrived at the living quarters. Maybe he wasn’t a fan of all of them, but he did care about their safety, especially now with how much they were helping him.

As soon as everyone arrived, Tony let his tears free. He knew how pathetic the sight of him must be, but he couldn’t stop crying. Maybe Peter would never know it, but he had become a son to Tony, and he worried that that’s how it would go. Tony couldn’t fathom the thought that Peter may be hurt or worse. He loved Peter, and every single minute he didn’t know he was okay was as painful as it got.

After fifteen minutes, Tony was able to control his breathing and stop the tears from falling. It was very clear to him that he wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep; how could he? Peter wasn’t there and there was no way he could sleep without knowing he was home.

“FRIDAY, is Natasha awake?”
“Yes, sir. Ms. Romanov is currently on the top of the right building. Should I call her up?”
“Yes, FRI, thanks.”

Maybe Natasha knew something else and hadn’t told him. She had always been very perceptive, and, like it or not, Tony trusted her. From what he had seen, Peter got along well with her, and he could tell that she was fond of him. Maybe she noticed something about Peter before he ran away.

“What’s up, Tony? How are you?”
“As good as expected. So, losing my shit.”
“I figured.”
“What did you see?”

Tony had learned to read his teammates’ demeanor and facial expressions fairly well throughout the years. He had known Natasha for over 7 years, and Tony knew she was hesitant to tell him. That was something Tony found extremely odd and concerning; when was she ever uncertain of what she said?

“Nothing, really. He was scared and probably panicking. We wanted to talk to him, but he just took off.”
“Did something happen?”
“Not that I know. We were walking and just saw him already pretty upset.”
“Where is he Nat? What if he’s hurt?”
“We’ll find him, Tony. But you need to rest, too. He probably fell asleep somewhere.”
“Is that supposed to be comforting?”
“He’s smart, Tony, and he has good instincts. He’ll turn up sooner than you realize.”
“Well, here’s to hope.”

____________________

Morning came sooner than Tony realized. Well, it wasn’t necessarily morning; it was 7am, and it had only been three hours since everyone went to bed. But Tony didn’t get any sleep at all. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Peter hurt, cold and alone. It was an image he knew he would never be able to get off his brain.

Being up in his room was pointless. It was driving him slightly crazy to not know what was going on. Instead, at 6am, he went to the main kitchen to try and come up with new ideas to find Peter. Truth was that, even after drinking four mugs of coffee, he couldn’t come up with anything.

The stress and anxiety he felt was very similar to that when Aldrich Killian held Pepper hostage. He didn’t know if she was okay and didn’t know if she was going to be okay. It was heartbreaking and remembering brought chills down Tony’s spine. Difference was, Tony knew where to find Pepper. From then on, he found a way to figure things out. But now, he had no way to know where Peter was, and he didn’t know what else to do.

The only thing that came to mind was to call May and ask if there was any place Peter usually went to when he was upset. His better judgement won, and Tony decided against him. May was always worried for him, and Tony knew that, if he called her now, she would swim all the way from Sweden if needed to to find his nephew. But it hadn’t even been 12 hours, so Tony chose to wait. If they didn’t find him before 6pm, he would call her.

At 7:15am everyone started showing up at the kitchen. They all seemed exhausted, but, at the same time, determined. It gave Tony a glimpse of hope to know he had them on his corner. After eating whatever they could find, everyone was returning to their tasks at 7:30am. Though, this time, Tony joined Rhodey and Sam in the sky.

Tony knew that there was nothing much he could do in his lab without driving himself mad. Now that there was daylight, it was probably better to have more people with a view from the sky; he would be much easier to find. Instead, he left Bruce in charge of what they were doing and asked him to call whoever he could think of that could help them but that wouldn’t ask any questions about who he was and what he was doing out in the middle of nowhere.

“Hey, Tony, can we chat for a minute?”
“Steve, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m otherwise preoccupied.”
“I just wanted to be sure you’re okay. He’s fine, and we’re going to find him.”
“Really, Steve? How do you know? That optimism counts for nothing if he truns up dead.”
“Cmon, Tony, I’m sure he’s okay.”
“You don’t know him, Steve, you can’t know for sure.”
“Maybe that’s true, but I do know you, and I know you’ll find him. But you need to stay calm and accept the help.”
“Yeah, I know, you’re right.”
“Then let’s go find him.”

____________________

After flying around the area for an hour and a half, Tony was effectively losing his shit. Rationality was in very short supply for him, and he knew he needed it. Rhodey and Sam would still be up there, but Tony decided to go back to the Compound; maybe there was something he missed.

Instead of heading to the lab, Tony went to the place from where Peter left. Now that he knew from which point in the Compound he left, it was much easier to trace his steps from where he left before running off. What he found was odd. There was something dried up that was stinking up, and it was a very displeasing brown color. That didn’t tell Tony much, though. Maybe an animal got into the premises and just disposed his feces there. Apart from that, there was nothing.

He was so defeated, and so exhausted. There weren’t any more ideas in his head, so he headed back, hoping that Bruce had found something. Instead, what he found, was Bruce with the same expression on his face, and Tony knew it was bad news. He just couldn’t take it anymore, and his world went black.

His head was pounding, and he felt like he had been hit by a bus. Where was he, anyway? The last thing he remembered was entering the left building and seeing Bruce on the kitchen with a tablet in his hands. Now, though, he was on the couch, and he had a blanket on him.

“What happened? What time is it? Where’s Peter?”
“Tony, you co–”
“I found him; I’m bringing him home.”
“Thank god. I’ll meet you at the entrance, Wilson.”

That small sentence brought Tony a sense of peace he knew he hadn’t known before. He needed to see Peter, just to make sure he was alive and okay. Still, now that he was coming back to the Compound, Tony let the rage he had been holding back start making his way to the front of his brain.

When he saw Sam carrying Peter, the first thing he noticed was that he seemed generally okay, apart from having his clothes covered in mud and dust. Natasha was probably right, he must’ve fallen asleep somewhere on the ground, surely in a forest not far from the Compound. That would explain why they couldn’t find him sooner. With so many trees, it was hard seeing what was going on under.

“Let me take him from here, I’ll get him to bed.”
“It’s nothing, Stark, I’ll take him; you look wrecked.”

He wasn’t wrong, so he didn’t protest. Instead, he followed closely behind Sam heading to Peter’s room. As he laid him on his bed, Tony tried his best to hold back the words. It wasn’t like he wanted to scold Sam, but Tony just needed to be sure that he was okay, so he would’ve rather done it himself.

Sam left, probably. Tony didn’t really know, nor did he care. All that mattered was that Peter was now asleep in front of him and that he was okay. Half an hour went by before Tony realized his muscles were screaming at him to lay down and sleep. All 30 minutes he spent looking at Peter and appreciating that he was alive. Tony doubted he would ever feel that sort of relief ever again in his life.

Now, though, Tony knew it was time to listen to his body and actually sleep. He didn’t necessarily want to, but he hadn’t properly slept in over 24 hours, and it was taking a toll on him. So, he made his way upstairs and laid in his bed, hoping to have more clarity to talk to Peter when they both woke up.

“FIRDAY, let me know when he’s awake.”

____________________

It had been a full ten minutes since FIRDAY told Tony that Peter was awake. A part of him wanted to give Peter time to properly wake up, but the other knew for a fact that, if he went down there immediately, he would say something he couldn’t take back. Truth was, he just wanted Peter to be safe, but Tony couldn’t understand how Peter could’ve been so irresponsible; he was so smart, and Tony knew Peter knew better than to do that.

“What even happened, kid? What were you thinking when you decided to take off like that?”
“Uhm, yeah – actually, uhm, what happened was that –what happened was that I sensed someone was in danger? You know, with the whole senses thing; I decided to check it out, I couldn’t just not go, you know?”
“What, now?”
“Spider-Man is supposed to be helpful, right? I just thought that I could be useful.”

Deep down Tony knew that Peter was lying. He had known Peter for way too long now, and he was always careful when it came to his identity. Tony knew Peter wouldn’t simply go out and risk being recognized; it was definitely a lie. For his sanity, though, Tony chose to believe that, because he was so upset, he didn’t think to take precautions.

Ever since Tony saw the footage of Peter swinging through Queens and stopping that bus, he thought the world of him. Peter was good, and Peter was smart. Tony knew this. Now, after what just happened, Tony started to doubt whether he had given him too much credit. His intelligence couldn’t ever be questioned, but maybe he was still too much of a child to understand what was at stake. Trust is something built with time, and now, it seemed like Tony took a thousand steps back on trusting Peter.

Now that he started doubting Peter, Tony began wondering if maybe he had been lying to him about his eating. Probably not, he had seen him the last few weeks and he seemed just fine. Then again, he seemed perfectly fine last night. What if it was all a lie and he was back at not eating and vomiting again? It was a terrible thought, but Tony genuinely didn’t think so. Better be safe than sorry, though.

____________________

It was hard trying not to hyper fixate on Peter and his plate. If he started intensively watching him, Peter would know Tony was getting suspicious, and he didn’t want that. After all, if Peter thought that he would start acting as what he thought Tony wanted of him. Though, Tony had to talk to someone about it. The last 14 hours had been excruciating, and, contrary to popular belief, Tony didn’t have that great of an ability to control his emotions.

Instead of sitting at his usual place at the table, Tony sat next to Natasha. She was the only one who seemed to understand his concerns, though Tony hoped she didn’t entirely know what was going on. Regardless, he wanted to talk to her, while still trying his best to act as if he didn’t want to go next to Peter and spoon-feed him so that he made sure he was eating.

“Are you sure you didn’t see anything else?”
“Don’t you think I would’ve told you if I did?”
“You tell me; you’ve been watching him a lot lately.”
“Tony, I really don’t know what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is what happened last week, when he came back from patrol and seemed like he had been through it.”
“What does that even mean?”
“A week ago, don’t you remember? That Thursday that he didn’t show his face anywhere until late at night.”
“Oh, that
“What happened?”
“Wouldn’t you be the one to know?”
“He just came in and looked pretty sick; told me about the guy who tried to kill himself.”
“I didn’t know he told you about it.”
“I don’t know Tony, something’s not right here.”
“What are you implying?”
“I’m not sure; guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

That took Tony by surprise. He didn’t know Peter had told anyone about it; he didn’t even tell Tony, he had to find out by himself. It hurt a little, if he dared admit. It was also slightly concerning that she, too, knew something was not right. But there was nothing they could do right then and there, so, it was better to focus on something Tony did know what to do about; surely distracting himself.

“Listen up, everybody. We’re expecting the Wakandans to come in this afternoon for some trade deals and, most importantly, the Accords.”
“That’s good, Tony.”
“Everyone better be on their best behavior; we don’t want them to know how much of a shitshow the writing of the first draft was.”

Peter had never been the kind of guy who burst out. It seemed like he had his emotions perfectly under control, at least most of the time. Now that he imploded in front of everyone, Tony realized that may not be the case. Truly, he almost expected it. They told him that he needed to lay low for a while, and he had not taken that well. It wasn’t at all surprising that he would be upset, but Tony didn’t know he would do that in front of everyone.

What really took Tony off his game was to see how quickly Peter’s entire demeanor changed. In the blink of an eye, he was calmed down, and like nothing happened. It concerned him how quickly he finished eating and how ran off right after finishing, but Tony was just glad that he had cleared his plate and that he had calmed down.

____________________

It had been a long time since the Wakandans had come to the Compound. Not that Tony complained, they were intimidating, and he respected them much more than he could explain. So, when they arrived, Tony appreciated it. They took time off their schedules to help out; they didn’t need to know that they were also serving him as a distraction.

It was all going accord to plan; he had spent a good hour explaining how they were sorting out their draft of the Accords and where they were with that. It was slightly intimidating, especially considering that Tony knew they had to have Wakanda’s support when presenting the finished product to the United Nations.

After that, he headed to the main building to show them where they’d be staying. They were going to be there for only a day; leaving next morning. It was comforting, though. Tony knew things would get awkward pretty quickly if they stayed any longer.

He knew Peter had been waiting in the living room for a while now. Tony didn’t think he’d show up, if he was honest. It wasn’t like he thought Peter didn’t want to meet them, but something told him that, after what happened earlier that day, he wouldn’t want to spend the afternoon meeting Wakandan royalty.

“Hey kid, let me introduce you. King of Wakanda, T’Challa. Princess Shuri, and, of course, General Okoye.”
“Uhm, hi, your Majesty – your highness? Uhm, yeah, it’s an honor Ma’am, Sir, uhm –”

Seeing Peter struggle to find the proper names to call them was endearing, to say the least. A bit of a heads up before introducing them would’ve probably been appropriate and helpful. Truly, Tony didn’t think of it; Peter hadn’t shown his face since lunch, so it wasn’t like there was much of an opportunity to do so. Still, seeing him excited about learning and getting to see new tech was enough, and Tony was happy for him.

As soon as he mentioned Spider-Man and seeing how Peter freaked out, Tony regretted discussing the topic. That was probably something he should’ve told the Wakandans in private. But he tried his best to conceal it. Peter had made it clear that he didn’t know if he wanted anyone else to know about his alternate persona, and Tony didn’t want to be the one who let that tiny detail spill.

Shuri was well known for her knowledge of technology, and Tony was truly amazed at her work, especially given her young age. It kinda reminded him of how he was when he was younger, except this was much more impressive. It didn’t take a genius to know Peter would love working with her; they would certainly get along well. Hopefully, at dinner, Peter would have the chance to properly talk to her.

The fact that Peter didn’t want to go to the meeting took Tony by surprise. Especially now that they were going to present everything they had to the Wakandans, Tony thought Peter would’ve liked to be there to see what would happen with him. But he didn’t, and it was slightly disappointing. Tony wanted Peter to know what was going on, maybe that way he would understand why they were doing what they were doing.

____________________

“This looks very good, Stark.”
“It’s the first draft; we just sent it over for approval and we’d like to know if Wakanda would be on board with it.”
“You can count on our support.”
“Any suggestions on what should be modified?”
“You need to be much more descriptive of how the Accords will go. Leaving place for ambiguity paves the road for disaster.”
“Thank you for everything, King T’Challa, we really appreciate you being here.”
“We are all working towards the same goal, Captain Rogers; it’s important that we all do what we can.”

After that, the meeting ran pretty smoothly. They switched topics to new technology and what was going on with the Stark Relief Foundation. All in all, it was a successful afternoon, and Tony was relieved that they agreed on everything they said. The possibility of them not accepting the clause on new recruits scared the living shit out of Tony. Thankfully, they didn’t say anything about it. T’Challa was right, though. They needed to be much more descriptive, for Peter’s sake.

At dinner, everything was going well, but Peter wasn’t there. It was surprising and slightly concerning. He seemed to be just fine when he was with the Wakandans up in Tony’s lab, so he didn’t know what happened that he didn’t show his face for dinner.

At least Tony knew Peter ate dinner. He saw the plate next to the sink, and it gave him a certain degree of tranquility to know that, even if he wasn’t with anyone, he was still eating. Peter was probably just overwhelmed about what happened the night before and wanted to be alone. Tony understood that, so he respected it.

Regardless, they had a pretty good time, and he knew Peter would’ve rally enjoyed it. The rest of the night was spent with the Wakandans telling them about the country and teaching them how to use the weapons they were bringing to them. Peter would’ve really enjoyed it.

____________________

Back in his room, Tony realized he hadn’t done something of great importance yet. Pepper grew very fond of Peter, and Tony hadn’t updated her on what happened with him and why Natasha came to his floor telling him that something happened to Peter. All the scenarios that went through his brain probably went through hers, too, and that was not a fun thing to go through. Tony wouldn’t blame her if she told him off for a couple hours; he would do that, too.

“Hey, Pepper.”
“How’s Peter?”
“Really? Not even a ‘hello’?”
“You don’t get that; I’ve been worried sick; I was about to take the plane there.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t get back to you, Pep.”
“I’m worried about him, Tony. What happened?”
“Long story short, he ran away last night. He turned up at around 10am in the woods; Wilson brought him here.”
“What?”
“Everything’s fine now, really. Nothing terrible happened and he’s now safe.”
“You need to be sure, Tony. This isn’t like him.”
“I know, I’ll keep an eye on him.”
“You better.”

Notes:

Hey guys! I couldn't NOT write a Tony's POV of Peter running away, great angst potential. Can't believe I'm posting this within a week from the last one omg

I'm always open to polite criticism :)

Let me know what you think! I love reading your thoughts.
Leave any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always really encouraging.

I hope everyone has a nice week!

Chapter 33: this ride is a wild one

Summary:

TW/ eating disorder behaviors

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Was it even possible to feel everything and nothing at once? Peter had never considered that possibility before; it seemed like two complete opposite scenarios. Regardless, here he was. Waking up in his bed was… weird. There was a numbness he couldn’t really explain, because he was still overwhelmed about everything that happened the day before. But the uncertainty and stress made it all numb.

Nothing was going on, or that’s what it felt like. There was this weight on him, and Peter recognized it was his body, but he wasn’t there; like it wasn’t ever his to begin with. Everything seemed to stay still in an unknown place where he never existed.

Maybe it was better for him to stay in bed all day. His legs were stubborn and didn’t care to listen to Peter’s brain saying he should be jogging instead of being lazy. His subconscious, too, didn’t want to cooperate. It probably was the lack of food, or the overall confusion about being alive, but he was having a really hard time focusing and getting his thoughts in order.

After much struggle in his brain, Peter finally retook command of his body and got out of bed, decidedly going jogging around the lake. He was way too ashamed of what happened in the woods, and definitely didn’t want to deal with Sam asking anything about it. He had been the one who found him, or that’s what he remembered anyway. So, it was fairly safe to say he would ask questions Peter didn’t want to answer.

The 7am breeze hit his face and it felt refreshing. Ever since he woke up, he had slight nausea in the back of his throat, and he knew exactly what was causing it. The air hitting his face was a very welcome change. Still, even after having jogged for a mere 20 minutes, Peter was already exhausted and out of breath. Not unlike a few weeks ago, he had to count on trees to avoid collapsing, and it was embarrassing, to say the least.

It had been way over 20 hours since he had last eaten anything, and he was certainly feeling like it. That unwanted hunger was taking its place in Peter’s body, and he was afraid it would kick him out and settle in, instead. Truth was, he wanted to sit down and rest for a while. But he couldn’t just stop. Now that he was being benched, he had to find other ways to protect Queens. After Ben died, Peter vowed to be better for the city, and not doing anything for it was disrespecting Ben’s memory.

That spider bit him for a reason, and he shouldn’t waste the enhancements he got because of it. Maybe using his first suit and old webshooters wasn’t such a bad idea. After all, that’s all he had before he met Tony. Besides, there was no way Tony could track him, which meant they wouldn’t know where he was or what he was doing.

Objectively, a terrible idea. After what just happened, him running away, Tony would probably be watching him like a hawk. Seeing a kid jumping out of the Compound in red and blue pajamas would definitely blare an alarm. But Peter couldn’t – wouldn’t – just sit in the Compound and wait for months for the Accords to be ratified.

The comfort and safety he enjoyed living there was certainly something that would never be a certainty for everyone in Queens. So many people could be in danger and even die while he laid on his ass in an unnecessarily expensive bed. There was no way Peter could afford that happening again.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Natasha joining him jogging was weird and scary, not to mention how he almost had a heart attack at how startled he was when she showed up. Never had Peter seen Natasha jogging; she was usually more of the combat training type. Chances were she wanted to talk to him again about what happened in the woods and that whole mess. Peter really liked her and looked up to her, but he didn’t want to be rude and not speak to her.

Surprisingly, she just jogged by his side in silence, while occasionally giving him a knowing and accusing look. Now that she was evidently onto him, Peter knew he had to pretend at his best capabilities that everything was okay, even if his lungs were about to give up, scolding at him for not having stopped sooner.

“You can’t fool me, Peter.”

With a sentence as simple as that, Peter was left panicked, and he felt his world crumbling before him. she knew.

____________________

Tony was getting suspicious, and Peter knew it. The man probably didn’t realize that Peter saw him watching him when he ate or how he acted when he was around food. The last time Tony was aware of his issues with food, the same thing happened, and he just didn’t stop looking at him. Peter needed to be smart about it, especially when it was probably now a fact that Natasha knew about his situation.

So, Peter had to eat in front of Tony. He was sitting in the left kitchen’s island, browsing through his phone, seemingly unaware of Peter’s presence. Maybe Natasha told him something and he just wanted to act cool before confronting Peter. In any case, Peter still didn’t want to eat, and he wanted to avoid food as much as he could.

There was definitely a plan cooking up in his head about how he could go back to being Spider-Man again without Tony knowing. It was a pretty solid plan, or so Peter thought. But he had to be strong for it to work, and he had to be fast, so he couldn’t go weakening himself by eating something he didn’t need at all.

To fool Tony, Peter made himself a ham and cheese sandwich and poured himself a glass of orange juice with no intention of keeping it in his body. Tony couldn’t know that he ran away because they had caught him purging in the woods, so it didn’t really matter that he would shortly leave to get it all out.

“So, kid, what did you think about the Wakandans?”
“Uhm, they were cool, very intimidating.”
“Can’t argue with that. What about the tech they brought? Any thoughts about that?”
“It was really nice! I can’t believe princess Shuri developed all of it, she’s really smart.”
“Yes, she is; you would’ve gotten along great with her.”
“I don’t know about that, she’s way too smart, I don’t think I could keep up.”
“So, what about your little secret? Any reason you didn’t tell them?”
“I just think it isn’t a great idea now. What would that mean for the Accords if they figured out that I’m Spider-Man?”
“Don’t worry about that, kid. The meeting went great; they agreed on everything he put on the table, including the new recruits clause. You’re safe.”
“Oh, thank you, Mr. Stark.”

Trying to leave before the food got digested, Peter stopped the conversation and practically ran to the sink to put everything on the dishwasher before Tony could say anything at all. But, apparently, he wasn’t fast enough; he would never be fast enough if he kept eating.

“Pete, stop.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark?”
“Why the hurry? Everything okay?”
“Oh, yeah, everything’s fine. I was just thinking about the whole Spider-Man thing. It hasn’t been easy, so I just wanted some time to process it.”
“Well, you know I’m here if you wanna talk about it.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”
“You better not run away again.”
“Yeah, I know, I won’t.”

It wasn’t necessarily a lie. Neither was it necessarily true, but it was just enough for Tony to stop worrying about him and holding him back.

Peter just wanted to run as fast as possible so he could peacefully purge and take everything out. He wished it could be much cleaner, and in the comfort of his room, but the woods would have to do for now.

____________________

One pretty interesting perk he had gotten from controlling his eating around Tony and the team was that he was perfecting the art of concealing. Tony realized that he purposely left his gadgets in his room so he couldn’t be found. This time, he couldn’t do that. If simply out of curiosity Tony looked for him, it would be disastrous for him to realize he wasn’t in the building.

So, to try and avoid that particularly unpleasant situation, Peter left every Stark gadget he had at the food of a tree and then continued going further into the woods. The tree wasn’t near enough to the buildings for him to be seen, but it also wasn’t far enough for Tony to come looking for him, it was the perfect plan.

Gag after gag, everything came out. It was slightly difficult this time, though. The speed with which he chewed made it very hard for him to actually take everything out, and his esophagus felt sore to the point where it hurt to swallow saliva. Similar situation in his knuckles; they were red and sore, and Peter swore they were throbbing, protesting against him.

Ironically, and probably worrisome, the only thing on Peter’s mind was to viciously stuff his mouth with whatever food he could find so he could block his airway and finally die. It seemed fitting, really; food harassed him. Might as well back away in defeat and accept his fate.

Was that really him who thought that? When he stopped and processed his thoughts, Peter couldn’t believe that actually came from his brain. It was morbid and as far away as his usual self would think. Then again, that person wasn’t him anymore. Now all that was left was a tormented body which was barely holding on. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about dying, but the idea seemed more and more inviting every day.

After all, there was really no point to life now that he didn’t have Spider-Man. His purpose was gone. Everyone else in the Compound had something else going on apart from being an Avenger. On the other hand, the only thing Peter had was Spider-Man. Without him, he was really nothing, regardless of how Tony made him believe otherwise.

There was absolutely no saying what his day-to-day life would be like from now on. Was he just supposed to wake up, hang around the Compound, eat like a pig, and go to bed again? It seemed unfathomable. It wasn’t like Tony was keeping him a prisoner there, but there wasn’t much else he could do up there. If he was in New York maybe he would find something to give him purpose, but that wasn’t happening.

Now that he thought about it, Peter wasn’t really a part of anything. Before, he was part of the Parker family; now, all that was left of it were May and himself, and she wasn’t here. He had his friends; but now, he had pushed them so far away that he wouldn’t know what to do if he had to interact with them for more than a couple of hours. He had been staying with the Avengers; he wasn’t a part of the team, though. Tony was his mentor, or so he hoped; but he was just an unwanted burden in his life.

The weight of the realization that no one would actually miss him brought tears to Peter’s eyes, and they started slowly falling through his cheeks. Maybe he was wrong, though. After all, they had all stayed up all night looking for him and spending time and effort in it. Was it out of concern? Probably not; it was probably out of responsibility to Tony and how they knew Tony was in charge of him.

The only thing he actually had going for himself – or maybe didn’t now – was Spider-Man, and he had to find a way to go out on patrol again. He would never forgive himself if he knew that something happened when he was at the Compound ignoring his responsibility to the city.

First and foremost, his identity still had to remain secret. Peter was not fond of the idea of people finding out that Spider-Man was just a child playing superhero. A new suit was first on Peter’s to-do list. It was most important that he wasn’t easily spotted. Lies were already hard to make up, but he had to find a way to make it easier for him to leave.

It had never been easy to lie; he hated it and wished he could just not do it. But he had to, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to help his city; he couldn’t be useless. This was everything he had, and he was very adamant on not letting go of it.

What was hard was planning everything. Having Tony watching over him, and an already suspicious Natasha made the whole ordeal much worse. So, Peter took advantage of his relationship with Tony, as much as he hated it. Now that he was trusting him again, Peter decided to go out to the city and get everything he needed.

With each passing day, Peter grew comfortable with spending Tony’s money. Peter never really liked it; it seemed like an abuse and crossing a line, but he was getting to the point where he didn’t care. Tony wouldn’t notice if he spent money, and he needed some stuff for his plan to work and there was nowhere else he could get the money.

As he returned to the tree where he left his phone and watch, Peter realized how hungry he was. The realization made him notice how dizzy he was, so he sat down and just tried to collect his strength and his sanity by looking out at the lake.

Peter didn’t want to eat at all, if he was being honest. If he did, he wouldn’t be enough for his city, and what happened to Sophie would surely happen again. There was certainly something off with his body, but Peter knew he had to fight it and not eat if he wanted his plan to work.

Plus, if he ate something, he would have to purge it out, and now that Natasha was onto him, Peter didn’t want to risk being caught. The last thing he wanted was for Tony to be concerned with his issues again; he didn’t deserve such a mess.

With his plan in mind, Peter made his way to the left building to find Tony and try to convince him that everything was okay, and that there was nothing wrong. Thankfully, he was just watching TV in the living room, not really paying much attention to anything else.

“Hi, Mr. Stark.”
“Oh, hey, kid, take a seat.”
“Actually, I was wondering if I could go to the library in the city.”
“Any particular reason why?”
“I just wanted to find some books that I want to check out.”

Something within Peter started to sense that something was going very wrong. Tony wasn’t believing him; Peter knew that. His lie wasn’t elaborate enough for him to fall for it, so he had to try harder.

“Oh, really? Which ones?”
“I watched this movie about World War II, and I just want to learn more, you know? They don’t really teach much about it at school. I already looked through the bookcases in the Compound but there aren’t many books about it, either.”
“What are you gonna have for lunch?”
“There’s a chick-fil-a a couple blocks away from the library; I can get something there.”
“Ask Happy to go with you, I think he’s somewhere near the conference room.”
“Oh, that’s not necessary, I plan on staying the whole afternoon there, and I don’t want to burden him with it, you know?”
“Then Happy will take you; call him so that he can pick you up when you’re done.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark!”
“Hey, Peter, phone always with you.”
“Yes, sure.”

____________________

Happy dropped him off at the New York Public Library in the Stephen A. Schwarzman building, and Peter waited until he was no longer sight so he could get started on his task. It was barely 11am, so he didn’t have to rush himself or be stressed about it. Tony already knew he was going to be out all day, so there wasn’t really anything to be worried about.

The first and most important thing Peter did was go to an ATM to withdraw money. Peter learned that having cash with him was one of the most important things to do, it was an easy way out of trouble that didn’t involve Tony knowing. If he asked, which probably wouldn’t happen, he would simply say that it was the easiest way to pay. Tony didn’t have to know where Peter was spending his money.

After withdrawing 500 dollars and feeling terribly guilty about it, he got a locker at the library to put his phone, watch, and backpack. He wouldn’t leave the wallet there, though, just in case. Tony couldn’t possibly track his cards, right?

After sorting that out, Peter went out of the library and headed to chick-fil-a, after all, it was already midday and he wanted Tony to know that he got lunch out of the way. There, Peter ordered a grilled chicken club sandwich, an iced tea, waffle potato fries and a chocolate chunk cookie to go.

Just smelling the food made Peter nauseous and thinking about the grand total of 1430 calories almost made him pass out. Thankfully, he didn’t have to be near it for long. Instead, he gave it to the first person he saw outside the Target store on 34th with 6th he went to to buy his supplies.

Peter couldn’t remember the last time he went shopping. May usually did all the shopping and they rarely ever crossed each other; her schedule complicated and usually full. So, now that he was at the overwhelmingly large store, Peter felt small and lost. Regardless, eventually he found his way to the clothing.

Therein, Peter bought slim black jeans, an all-black sweater, hiking boots, nonslip gloves, a black beanie, a black mask, and mid-crew socks. Maybe it was too much, but Peter wanted to be safe that no one would recognize him. Hopefully no one thought he was a criminal, that would be ironic and embarrassing.

Heading to the cashiers, Peter passed through the farmacy section and saw laxatives. He had heard that people used them; he never had. Maybe, now that people were getting suspicious, it was the time to try it.

On Peter’s brain was something he hadn’t really stopped to consider: his web-shooters and webbing. He couldn’t well waltz into Tony’s lab and take his, it was probably the most stupid idea ever.

Thankfully, Peter remembered he had a backup pair at May’s apartment. Honestly, he didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it before. They were tucked away since before Tony recruited him, and they probably were still there. Now, the materials for the webbing were for sure at the Compound, and he could simply tell Tony that he was just going to mess around with it for no specific reason. There was no need to buy more.

The total was $90.42 dollars and Peter went pale. It was way more than he thought it would be, and he was ashamed and horrified at how much he had spent Tony’s money; he would surely hate him. Peter was never like this; he never took advantage of anyone or anything, but now he was using his relationship with Tony to get away with his plans. It was for a good cause, though. It was going to be worth it; it had to be worth it.

After he finished paying, Peter decided to go back to the library. There was no telling how much time had gone buy, but he knew it had been a while. When he arrived and took his stuff out of the locker, he realized it had been 4 hours already. Did he really spend that long at Target? How did that happen? One minute he was walking around the store, and the next one he was back in his body actually picking up items.

Peter shoved everything he bought in his backpack and decided to get the web-shooters the next day. It was risky to try and get them to the Compound and having Tony see them, so it was probably better to keep them safe. Instead, he sat down and actually read something about World War II. Tony was suspicious already, so he had to play the part. To his surprise, he actually got lost in the book, and he came to like learning about African independences; never once did it occur to him that they were related to the war, but here he was.

After a while, Peter decided it was enough and that he should head back to the Compound before Tony called him. At 7pm Happy picked him up at the library, and, thanks to traffic, they arrived at 9pm, which was the perfect excuse to effectively skip dinner.

____________________

Spending his entire day in the city made Peter forget how exhausted he felt. As soon as he arrived in his bedroom, Peter allowed himself to feel the dizziness and exhausting to run through his body, effectively making him fall to the bed without much regard for direction.

36 hours went by quicker than Peter realized, and nothing had gone through his throat. It felt painfully dry, and that’s how Peter noticed that he hadn’t drank anything at all either; dehydration was a pretty solid explanation for why he was feeling like crap.

After focusing his entire energy on not passing out, Peter hid the clothes he bought in the back of the closet where dried up blood tissues still laid, hidden from the world. That he had genuinely forgotten about, and he made a mental note to throw them out before anyone noticed they were there and asked questions he didn’t have the lie to answer with.

After a couple of minutes, and unsurprisingly, Tony entered the room and sat in the loveseat under the TV. Peter heard him enter, and he quickly changed into his pajamas, hopefully making it believable that he was spending time in the closet doing something that wasn’t lying to the man that cared so much for him.

“Hey, kid, how was your day? Anything interesting?”
“I decided to learn something different, you know?”
“Really? What’s that?”
“Okay, so, you know how everything’s that’s taught at school is mostly American and European history?”
“Truly unfortunate; why?”
“Africa is a severely underestimated continent, you know? I asked the librarian for suggestions, and she pointed me to that direction.”
“What did you learn, then?”
“Europeans really were brutal.”
“How come?”

Peter never expected to enjoy learning about history as much as he did. He never once stopped to think about how the division of the continent created tribal clashes. Ironically, he did learn about World War II. Much to his surprise, and contrary to what they were usually told about Africa, the War was fuel to the independences.

Telling Tony about how the material deprivation and how the African soldiers served alongside Europeans as equals led to independence efforts was surprisingly comforting in a way Peter couldn’t explain. It was domestic in a way even Peter had a hard time understanding, but it was nice, and he felt good for a second.

“Didn’t know you were such a history nerd.”
“Neither did I, but it was really interesting, and I want to learn more.”
“Maybe we go together next time and look up more information. Bet I can get Rhodey to pull up some not-so-public documents about it.”
“Sounds fun!”

Peter missed this. Lately, when he spent time with Tony, he spent most of it trying to come up with more lies, and it was hard to really talk to him about whatever the topic was. This time it was much nicer, and Peter didn’t care about his headache, or how his legs were begging him to lay down; it was just a nice conversation with Tony.

“How was lunch?”
“Oh, I had a chicken sandwich, waffle fries and an iced tea, and I got one of those chocolate chunk cookies; it was really good.”
“What did you have for dinner?”
“I got a hot dog outside of the library while I waited for Happy.”
“That’s gross, Peter. You could’ve gotten something else, you know?”
“I was still kinda full from lunch, but I figured I had to eat something.”
“I’m glad you had fun, kid.”

Every single second between Tony saying goodnight and actually leaving the room was excruciatingly painful for Peter. Whatever nice feeling he had before faded away pretty quickly, and he was getting dizzier than usual, to the point where he actually had to steady himself against a wall so he wouldn’t fall down.

When he finally left, and Peter got into his bed, he started thinking about his webbing and how he would make it work without raising suspicions. Ultimately, he decided to wake up extra early the next day so he could use the lab in peace without anyone pestering at him.

With a strong stomachache, a migraine, and blind determination, Peter fell asleep, hoping that his plan would go as planned.

____________________

It had been a very long time since he actually used Tony’s lab. The only time he had been there before on his own was when he was mad at Tony and tried to make new web-shooters. Now, all alone and knowing Tony wasn’t really upset with him, Peter felt at peace, regardless of how awful he felt.

Peter hoped that the dizziness would go away with sleep, but it was much worse. The stomachache made it feel like something was eating his stomach from the inside out, and Peter only hoped that there wasn’t actually something within him. Hopefully chugging that bottle of water would ease the discomfort, otherwise he would have to eat something and that was out of the question.

Instead of thinking about it, Peter got to work and tried to ignore what was going on. Something about taking out acid, toulene, methanol, carbon tetrachloride, potassium carbonate, and ethyl acetate felt incredibly familiar to Peter, and it was like he hadn’t gone through any shit before. He was just Spider-Man, trying to make his webbing perfect, and it made him feel at home.

This time, though, he couldn’t afford to be careful, so he didn’t hold back with the amount of PSI, going up to 500, instead of the usual 100. If he was really going rogue, he needed to be equipped for it.

The irony of him going rogue made Peter actually laugh out loud at the irony of it, though it made him feel dirty and ashamed. After all, he fought against those who went rogue, never intending to be one of them.

Two unannounced figures entered the room, and Peter really hoped they hadn’t.

“What’s going on here, Peter?”

Notes:

Hey guys! Really wanted to post this today and I'm glad I managed to finish writing it :) I'm so sorry about the part about African independences añafjas I took a class in college and I thought it was really interesting, so I thought 'why not?'

It's getting more and more angsty each day, just you wait ;)

I'm always open to polite criticism.

If you liked this chapter, leave comments or kudos! it's always very encouraging :D

Chapter 34: make no mistake

Summary:

TW/ eating disorder behaviors, very explicit self harm, suicide ideations

PLEASE make sure you're in the right headspace before reading this chapter. It might be triggering for some of you, and I didn't hold back; stay safe x.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

No one was supposed to be awake, that’s why Peter went to the lab so early in the morning. Hearing Steve and Natasha entered the room made Peter jump out in startlement and hit his hip on the corner of the table. It hurt way more than he thought it would, but it hurt good.

Peter wasn’t doing anything for his city, and he deserved to hurt. He was wasting away the enhancements he didn’t deserve, and that waste led to people suffering. It was his fault; the least he could do was to suffer, too. Maybe that was a better way to atone for his sins. It wouldn’t leave any visible scars, and he wanted to avoid that. Last time he had scars in his arms, Wanda saw them, and he had to get creative to the point of ridiculousness to sell his lie.

The hunger was eating him alive. His stomach was empty, and it led to his brain malfunctioning, along with his limbs. Keeping steady became an actual challenge, and the dizziness was his enemy. Peter tried to act cool about it, he really did, but he was having a very hard time standing on his feet.

It had been over 36 hours since he last ate something. A vicious part of him was proud of it, and how he had managed to go so long without eating. Regardless, he vividly remembered what happened last time he went so long without eating, and how he felt like he would actually die. No one wanted to go through that again, and Peter didn’t want anyone to be burdened with his issues.

Deep down, Peter knew he had to eat. It wasn’t at all irrational, and Peter wasn’t stupid. But it terrified him far beyond he could explain. Eating meant that he would be held back and that he wouldn’t be fast enough when he needed to be. That much was proven when Sophie died. Especially now that he wanted to go back to being Spider-Man, Peter couldn’t afford screwing up like that.

“Oh, hey, guys, I’m sorry. Uhm, I was just messing around with my web fluid, you know?”
“How come you’re doing that? Didn’t you agree to stop going out on patrol for the meantime?”
“I mean, yeah, but I want to be prepared. I guess I just want to be ready for when I can actually go back out again.”
“Isn’t Tony supposed to be here?”
“It’s fine, Steve, really. I used to do this on my own before I met Mr. Stark. I’ll just tell him later.”

Truth be told, it wasn’t necessarily a lie. Maybe he wouldn’t wait that long to use it, but he was still messing around with it. But, it was getting harder and harder to focus. His world was spinning, and the dizziness now made his vision blurry to the point where he had to support his body to the counter to avoid falling down. Thankfully, his instinct took charge and he sat down before anything worse could happen.

“Everything okay, son? You don’t look so good.”
“Yes, Peter, what’s going on?”

Natasha’s accusing look terrified Peter. He had seen it before, but not like this. This time it was scary, and it held a sort of threat Peter never for a second thought he would see in her.

“Should I call Tony? Did something happen? Are you hurt?”
“Relax, Rogers. Go tell Sam we have a scheduled training session; I’ll stay with the kid.”
“Call if you need anything.”
“Thanks, Steve.”
“No problem, Pete.”

Without any other word, Steve left the room and Peter was left with an uncomfortable silence, a strong headache, and so many thoughts that only led to terrible consequences. He had to find a way out, he couldn’t deal with this right now, there were much more important matters to attend to.

“Well, I gotta get going so, goodbye Na–”
“Sit down.”
“What’s going on?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.”

Natasha standing in front of the door and blocking his way out brought chills up Peter’s spine. That threatening and intimidating aura was something Peter used to look up to, but now it just frightened him. She wouldn’t do anything to harm him, he definitely wouldn’t. Still, it seemed like whatever she wanted to talk about was something Peter wanted to avoid.

His response mechanism was already set up, and the lies were already being made up in his head. It would probably be futile, though. It seemed like she now knew that something about him and food wasn’t right. And, honestly, Peter couldn’t blame her. He was doing a shit job at hiding it, it was his fault, again.

The first thing that came to mind was to tell her that he was still shaken from what happened in the woods. He was sore, and his head was aching. Maybe she would believe that. The second one was much better, though.

“Well, you know, I ate that barbecue chicken last night and I think it messed up my stomach, right? And I had this terrible stomachache this morning, and it hasn’t gone away, probably should look into it, yeah, that’s it. I’m fine, really, I’m –”
“You wanna try and keep up that façade with me?”
“Uhm, what are you talking about?”

It felt like the world stopped and like Peter’s rapid heartbeat was the only thing Peter could actually register. He froze in place, and nervousness and stress invaded him, having absolutely no idea what to do. But, once again, he knew better. Peter already saw it coming, so he had to come up with a mitigation plan. He could simply tell her that Tony already knew and that they were working on it. Maybe then she would keep this a secret.

“Don’t play dumb with me, Peter.”
“What do you mean?”
“What have you eaten since lunch yesterday?”
“Oh, well, uhm, I had these, uhm, these things, and well, I had some – ”
“Why are you doing this, Peter?”
“What are you talking about? Everything’s okay, nothing’s wrong.”
“Why are you starving yourself?”

Honestly, he did try to the best of his capabilities to come up with a lie about what he had eaten. She was way too intimidating for him to form any coherent thoughts, and it just came out as a mess; he told on himself. It was so embarrassing, and Peter just looked down, trying to hide within himself to avoid facing her.

Was there anything he could do that would keep her from knowing what was really going on? Running away would just confirm her theory, and she would instantly know that she was right. He had already proved that, if he tried to deny it, he would just start speaking nonsense and she, again, would know. The only thing left to do was tell her the truth as limited as Peter could.

“How long has this been going on?”
“It isn’t going on, really. It just happened a few weeks ago.”
“Really? That’s what you’re gonna go with?”
“I’m serious! Mr. Stark knows; we sorted it out.”
“Then what’s going on?”
“Sometimes it’s hard, you know? I swear I’m trying to do better, but it’s… complicated.”
“Does this have anything to do with the Accords?”
“Uhm…”
“So, yes.”
“It just sucks, but I’m trying to make the most of it, I promise.”

Surprisingly, Peter had grown particularly close to Natasha. There was really no explanation for it; it just happened. So, obviously, he hated lying to her face. It was going to be worth it; the city was worth all the lies. And, apparently, she was buying those lies. Maybe he was doing something right, or at least he hoped by how her expression softened. Maybe half the truth was enough.

“How did this start, Peter?”
“Well, when the spider bit me, I just didn’t want to be a burden to my aunt. I needed a lot more food and we just couldn’t afford it. I guess I got used to it? I’m having a hard time letting go of that routine I knew for such a long time.”
“You know you’re wrong, right?”
“Yeah, I don’t think so.”
“Tony would give you everything you could ever need or want, Peter. He really cares about you.”
“He got stuck with me after what happened in Germany, I don’t think he had much of a choice.”
“Tony, in particular, always gets to choose, Peter. It didn’t just happen.”
“No, I mean, I know he cares about me, but I’m really not that important.”
“Are you kidding? He went absolutely crazy when you went missing. You should’ve seen him; didn’t sleep and spent all night looking for clues to find you. I really thought he was going to get the army itself involved to find you.”
“Oh.”

Natasha was trying to be comforting, and Peter appreciated that, he really did. Though, the entire opposite effect took place. Knowing that Tony had spent so much time and resources on him made him feel guilty and terrible for being such a burden to him. He was worthless and didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

“This is your home now, Peter, at least for now. You don’t have to starve, kid, you can have anything you want.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Of course, I am.”
“Please don’t tell Tony about this. I promise we’re truly working through it, but I don’t want to disappoint him even more.”
“I trust you, kid. Don’t think I’m gonna forget about it, though; I’m watching you. If I see you even the tiniest bit off, I will tell Tony.”
“Thank you, really.”

At least she told him that she wouldn’t, for now, tell Tony. That gave Peter some comfort that he actually pulled off the deceit, and that he was able to make her doubt her instinct about it. Nevertheless, the slight chance that she would tell on him made Peter panic at the very limited options he now held in his hands.

____________________

As soon as Peter entered the main kitchen, the strong smell of grease and seafood entered his nostrils, and he swore he almost gagged. Clint and Steve were cooking paella, and they made a lot of it; it overhwekmed Peter. It just seemed so greasy, and the only thing going through his mind were numbers and how they were only going to slow him down.

That was something Peter wouldn’t allow himself to do. It was time for him to put his plan in action, and the first thing to do was talk to Tony, and hopefully talk himself out of eating lunch. He couldn’t stand the thought of eating a plate of that food, however tasty it probably was.

“Mr. Stark? Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Sure thing, kid, what’s up?”
“I talked to Ned earlier and we thought we could go to the movies and then go to the Lego store on 5th, to see what’s new and all that.”
“I thought he already left.”
“Actually, he’s leaving tomorrow, and we just wanted to catch up before he leaves.”
“So, you’re having lunch with him?”
“Yes, I think we’ll eat something at the movies and then something after.”
“Have fun kid, get any Legos you want if you feel like it.”
“Really?”
“I will never understand why you like it but go to town with it.”
“It’s really not necessary, Mr. Stark.”
“I’m not saying you have to buy anything. I’m just saying that, if you feel like it, you can buy whatever you want.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark, I really appreciate it.”
“Let me know when you get there.”

Peter didn’t at all miss Natasha’s suspicious look as he said goodbye to everyone saying that he was meeting with Ned in the city. She would’ve probably said something, but Peter made sure that he ran out before she could get a single word out.

First thing Peter did was run to the left building to get the backpack with his new made-up suit and the recently stored new webbing. It would never be as good as the ones Tony made for him – not even close – but it would have to do for now. Maybe, in the future, he would find better alternatives and improve them.

Happy was becoming one of Peter’s favorite adults. He always seemed like he was stern and like he was annoyed, but Peter knew he was very caring and nice. It was even more evident when he texted him asking to be dropped off somewhere near a bus station headed to New York, and he said he would be much safer if he took him himself. Hopefully it was out of concern for him, but something told Peter that it was just out of responsibility to Tony. However way, Peter was really thankful.

____________________

“You sure you’ll be okay, kid? I don’t see your friend anywhere nearby.”
“Yes, Happy, it’s fine. He’s running a bit late.”
“Text me when you need a lift back home.”
“Thank you, Happy!”

Every single time Peter spoke more lies piled up, and it was getting increasingly hard to carry such a heavy weight, however ironic that was. Tony was right, though. Ned left the day prior, and Peter used him as an excuse to get out of the Compound without anyone asking any questions. Who would think that Peter was lying? It wasn’t like him. Now it was, though.

For the sake of the lie, Peter did go to the movie theater, but only to buy the tickets and pay with Tony’s card. Instead of actually going to see the movie, Peter gave the tickets to a couple he saw standing in line. He did a pretty similar thing at the snacks stand but said to the guy who received the credit card to just give it to the next person in line.

To continue fooling Tony, Peter did go to the Lego store and got two sets. He got the Ambush on Ferrix for him, and the Dagoba Jedi Training Diorama for Ned. Not because his friend got twisted in his lies meant that Peter didn’t want to do something nice for him. Besides, Tony would see that Peter did, in fact, spend money on two sets.

Once again, Peter went to an ATM and retrieved more money than before. He wanted to build it up. After all, cash gave him freedom, and he needed that to be able to choose whatever he wanted, especially when it came to Spider-Man. On the other hand, Peter had to be prepared for whatever could happen that he needed to leave.

Now that Natasha knew, and that Wanda was onto him, Peter needed to have backup plans. He wouldn’t survive everyone at the Compound know that he was weak and that he didn’t have any form of self-control. The sooner he had a plan, the better, and the more peace of mind he would have.

When did he stray so far away from the person he was supposed to be that this is what he had become? This was never like him; it wasn’t who he was. Sneaking around, lying, and hiding were activities Peter used to actively avoid, and he hated it. Now, though, it seemed like that was everything his life had become, and it pained him more than anything. But it was necessary, and he had to do it for the city, for May, and especially for Tony.

When Ben died, Peter knew he had a responsibility to the city, and contribute to the efforts to never have anyone go through what his family went through. Most times Peter wouldn’t admit it, but he did know that he did a good job sometimes, and he knew crime rates decreased since he started going out on patrol. It was the only wat he could think that would honor Ben’s memory; saving people who wouldn’t otherwise survive what happened to him.

On the other hand, May had given him everything. She raised him, and she owed who he was to her. Yes, Ben was also involved in his raising, but he wasn’t home as much as May was. Peter couldn’t disappoint her. He had to be better every day, otherwise all her energy would be going to waste; she worked so hard to provide for them both, and Peter would rather die first than make her efforts void.

Now, Tony was someone Peter decidedly could NOT disappoint. Before he showed up in Peter’s life, Spider-Man was just a small part of his life. Tony had given him everything, and he made sure that he was a better hero, and that he was safe. It would be like mocking Tony to his face if Peter even for a second dared not do something about everything he had done for him. Peter wanted Tony to be proud of him, and if lying was the means to that end, then so be it.

There was no way for Peter to know if Tony was tracking him. Peter hoped he wasn’t. A small part of him really wanted Tony to find him and realize that Peter was a mess, but it wasn’t possible. What he needed was for Tony to blindly trust him and assume that he was doing what Peter told him he would do.

So, when a couple of hours passed, Peter decided to go to Queens. It seemed pretty unlikely that Tony would question him for going back to his home. After all, that’s were Ned lived, too, and Tony couldn’t know if they were spending time together there instead of Manhattan.

May’s apartment would always be Peter’s safe place. He could try and fool himself all he wanted saying that his room at the Compound was safe and that nothing would go wrong there, but this place was special, and he wouldn’t change it for the world. Plus, it was the perfect way to hide.

As soon as he entered, Peter took to his task. Immediately, he changed into his new suit. It was very different from his usual attire, but Peter knew he would get used to it soon enough. Afterwards, he hid the cash he had retrieved and the Lego set, too. Finally, and most importantly, Peter left the StarkWatch and his phone in the closet where he used to hide his old suit, just after texting Tony.

“Staying at May’s apartment with Ned. We’ll have Chinese takeout for dinner :)”

It was truly incredible how Peter had managed to ignore how ridiculously dizzy and overall terrible he felt. During the day, walking around Manhattan, Peter didn’t feel a thing. It was like nothing was happening, just a regular Friday. Now that he was about to head out, it hit him like a brick wall.

His muscles felt like he was about to give up, and his head wasn’t too far behind of doing the same thing. It seemed like his body was actively trying to keep him from going out, but Peter wasn’t allowing that. He had come way too far for him to stop now.

Instead, before actually starting patrol, he stopped at a deli and got two zero kcal energy drinks to try and compensate his absolute lack of it. Last time it did the trick, at least for a while. Now that’s the only thing he hoped for; that it would be enough and that it would give him what he needed for him to be enough.

The Vulture disaster had proven that Peter was more than a suit, or at least that was what he thought. Now that he was about to pass out without it, he realized that was a lie he told himself and Tony. He wasn’t good enough for the suit, and he was just… nothing. Facing that fact was something that would have to wait for another time. But it was probably true, and even thinking about it for a second brought tears to his eyes.

Karen wasn’t there to help him. That’s when Peter realized how much he relied on Tony’s suit. He was truly no good as Spider-Man without it. She always kept him in check and made sure that he took breaks when he was about to pass out; particularly helpful now that Tony was wary of what he was doing. Without her, if he passed out in the middle of the city, chances were he would die there; no one around him to care.

On the other hand, she was the one who told him where trouble was. Karen always pointed him on the direction of robbers or murderers, and, on the way, Peter helped the little guy. Without her, he would have to fend for himself again, and he didn’t know how to do that again.

But he was now far too deep into his plan, there was no backing away. He was determined to be as good a Spider-Man as he used to be, and he wasn’t about to give up because he didn’t have an AI to help him. Peter didn’t have her before; why couldn’t he be good enough without her? Deep down Peter knew why, but facing that fact was just as painful as realizing he was nothing, and that he didn’t belong anywhere.

The only way for him to actually be of help without Karen’s direction was to go around the entire borough finding people to help and do his best. It was exhausting, but he felt useful when he helped tourists, or when he stopped puny muggers. It was a pretty slow night, and Peter didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. His body probably wouldn’t take much more, and he didn’t want Tony to hear about a child he was in charge of dying in the middle of Queens.

There was really nothing big happening, at least not that Peter knew. It was times like these when he knew that he really needed Karen. He would probably save many more people with her help. What if someone was in the same situation as Sophie was? Peter would never forgive himself; honestly, he already didn’t.

Lethargy was setting in again, and Peter felt his bones begging him to stop. It was probably time for Peter to listen before they betrayed him. So, he compromised. Instead of calling it a night, Peter decided to sist on a bench and just exist for a while.

If only it were that easy. Existing had become a particularly hard thing to do. Every single breath he took carried a load of hatred and disappointment that was filling a cup that Peter knew wouldn’t hold much longer.

If only he had done things differently. He would’ve probably trained better when he got his powers in the first place. That would’ve saved Ben. Instead, he was lazy and decided to wait until he got the hang of it.

If only he were faster. He would’ve been able to stop the men who killed Sophie and she would be here, probably about to receive her degree, and celebrate it with her family. Instead, Peter took that opportunity away from her.

If only he was more cautious. Tony wouldn’t have to deal with the burden that he was. It was already too much that he had taken him in while May was in Europe. He was like a father to Peter, and he was just a disappointment to him. He would’ve spared Tony from the burden of dealing with his eating issues. Instead, he took Tony with him down a very dark rabbit hole that didn’t seem that would ever end.

If only he was good enough, he would be worth something, and maybe his life would be worth something. Though now it seemed like that would never happen, or that it ever happened at all.

His thoughts were tormenting him, and the maniac within Peter didn’t want them to stop. He deserved every single ounce of hatred, and it was only fair that he took the pain that the city, May, and Tony took by Peter not being enough.

Even if he knew he didn’t deserve at all the life that he was given, Peter was really tired, and wanted to go back to the Compound and just lay in bed and cease to exist for a while. Swinging there was one of his favorite activities since he moved in, but that couldn’t happen. His web-shooters were starting to malfunction, and his web fluid was running out. He had to be careful about it.

Calling Happy to pick him up was not a great idea, either. Tony probably told him that he was not in Manhattan, but he would have to give a lot of explanations if he came all the way to Queens for him. And, honestly, Peter was feeling way too shitty to sit with him in an hour and a half drive upstairs. Happy was never much of a talker, but Peter knew he made the active effort to talk to him. This time Peter just didn’t feel like dealing with it.

So, without any other alternative coming to mind, Peter decided to spend the night in May’s apartment. His phone and watch were there, and Peter seriously doubted that Tony would question him staying there. He thought that he was hanging out with Ned, instead of being out in Queens risking his life just by being on his feet.

When he decided to call it a night, at 10pm, Peter saw a group of men on the top of the Elmhurst Hospital, and he couldn’t not go see what was going on. It didn’t mean that someone was about to jump, maybe they were just chatting on the roof, but his instinct told him it was better to be safe than sorry.

On his way there, Peter realized he was having a very hard time keeping steady. What worried him most was the fact that his web-shooters were pretty much busted, and Peter tried really hard to think of something to do about it, but he was heading in blinded, and hoped for the best.

When he got to the roof, Peter really hoped it would be just a group of doctors enjoying a break looking at the skyline. May told him it was normal, that people really appreciated the change of scenario, especially when they’re always surrounded by chaos and pain. That breath of fresh air helped them.

Now though, there were three men cornering a doctor to the edge of the building. As far as Peter could tell, and somewhat hear, they were demanding compensation. Slowly, and hopefully employing what Natasha taught him, Peter got closer and heard that they wanted him to pay for the death of their family, or something of the sorts.

The three men were threatening him with a gun, getting nearer and nearer to the edge of the building, making the doctor take steps back until he couldn’t anymore. There was no way he could get out of that situation. Except, Peter was there.

“Hey, guys, anything interesting going on tonight? A little threating? Honestly, gotta admit, it’s over the top.”
“What the fuck?”
“It’s a bit cold, don’t you think? Let’s take this party inside.”
“Who the fuck are you?”
“Well, my usual attire got dirty, you know how it goes, but this is your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, and you’re not being very friendly.”
“Spider-Who?”
“C’mon man, really? Haven’t you heard of me? I stop bad guys like you!”

It was time to act, Peter realized his wit wouldn’t help him anymore. So, hoping that it would work, Peter tried to use his web-shooters to take the guns away from the criminals, but they were effectively jammed and useless now. It was hand-to-hand combat, apparently.

“shit”

They were three to one; the doctor probably petrified and glued to where he stood. On any other day, he would’ve easily fought them off, but Peter was so very exhausted and weak, his reflexes weren’t working with him and his body wasn’t fast enough. Peter had a hard time fighting two of the men, and without even noticing, in the split of a second, the third man threw the man off the building.

“Let’s see how you deal with that, Spider-Man.”

Like a battle cry, Peter shouted a very pained ‘no’, but it was probably too late. Hoping to catch the man, Peter jumped off the building, trying to get him before he hit the ground. It was a pretty reckless move, given that he had nothing to hold himself on to, but he had to save him.

Unfortunately, it was too late, and his survival instinct kicked in, making him hold onto a window as he watched the man crash against the floor, creating an instant pool of blood around his head. The image ws much too painful for Peter to even register that he broke his arm due to how strongly he crashed against the window he held on to. It didn’t matter, though. Peter killed another person. It was his fault.

With whatever hope he had left, Peter tried to carefully land, but it was pretty useless, his body billing him for everything he had done to it. But Peter just didn’t care anymore.

“Help! Somebody help us!”
“Thank you, Spider-Man.”
“C’mon man, you’re gonna make it, you’re gonna be okay. Stay with me, hold on just for a co–”

Peter was holding the man in his arms. He felt his heartbeat, until he didn’t. It stopped right when he was starting to have hope that, maybe, the man would live. But he was wrong, and people started gathering around them. Peter couldn’t process anything, so he started running, ending up in the Juniper Valley Park.

God, was he thankful that he didn’t have Karen to tell on him. Without any warning but much too expected, he threw up as soon as he took off his homemade mask. Whatever was there to puke, anyway. It was mostly bile that burned his throat, and, if Peter’s eyes didn’t fail him, a little blood came out, too.

What even happened? What was he supposed to do? Would they come looking for him? Did they think it was him who threw the man of the roof? Peter was losing his mind and he had no clue what to do.

There was nothing more that Peter wanted to do than call Tony and tell him that he screwed up big time. It was a mistake though, everything was. Why did he do that? Why did he have to play hero? A man died because of him; yet another innocent stopped breathing because of his incompetence.

There was no one he could call. No one should have to deal with him, he wasn’t helping anyone, and he didn’t deserve to be helped by anyone. No one needed him, he made everything worse. That night confirmed it.

Unexplainably, Peter pulled strength from where he didn’t have any and collected himself, making his way to May’s apartment to try and disappear.

____________________

Maybe he was dead already; hopefully. It felt like it was the only rational reason for how he was feeling. Not that he would complain, though. Nothing seemed better than dying. It would be highly ironic and definitely disappointing if he met his demise in the very same place he was raised, but there was truly no other alternative.

Now that the shock of it had started to die down, Peter felt his arm limping; it was definitely broken, and he felt it. But most importantly, he had no idea what to do with it. Before, when something similar happened to his arm, mostly dislocation, it healed on its own, and it was way easier to deal with it.

This time, the pain was excruciating, and Peter knew that, if he didn’t get help soon, it would be an even bigger problem. He counted on his enhancements to help him; maybe they would hear his hail mary and do something. But truth was, it probably wouldn’t work. There was virtually no energy left in his body, and he needed it for his healing to actually work. Not that he deserved it.

It was pretty clear to Peter how the night was going to end, and he had to be smart about it before anyone would start getting unnecessarily concerned abuout his whereabouts. So, Peter called Tony.

“Hi, Mr. Stark, how’s it going?”
“Hey, Pete. Had fun with Ned?”
“Yeah, it was amazing, thank you.”
“When are you coming back to the Compound?”
“Actually, it’s late and I don’t want to bother Happy. I thought I could spend the night in May’s apartment, you know? It’d be easier for – damn it – everyone.”

Why did his mouth betray him? Obviously it was trying to get someone actually responsible to take care of his injuries, but Peter wasn’t having any of it. It did hurt when he tried opening up a drawer, but he didn’t deserve to complain about it.

“Everything okay, kid?”
“Oh, yeah, everything’s fine, everything’s okay.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m just kinda tired, I wanna go to sleep.”
“Call in the morning, we’ll pick you up.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

Now he had a free pass. There was no one to stop him, and he would make sure that they would never know what was going on. Hell, Peter himself didn’t know what was happening, but what he did know was that it wasn’t going to be pretty and would probably end up very badly for him.

May was a very diligent woman. She always kept everything in check, even if it seemed like she was a mess. Because of that, she was always prepared if something went wrong or missing. There were always backups of everything in the house; pencils, erasers, notebooks, scissors, cutters, razor blades . She would certainly be disappointed in him for wasting her resources, but hurting himself was everything Peter was thinking about, and the thoughts screamed loud enough for him to blindly comply to whatever they wanted, no longer having the will or effort to fight back.

When he finally found them after scattering everything around, Peter carefully disassembled a razor, took the blade, and started cutting his arm like a mad man; like he was being paid to take all the blood out of his veins. Every single cut came with a wave of unsurmountable pain, but Peter knew it was something he deserved.

A small pool of blood was building up in the place where he sat. Everything was a mess, and whoever walked in would surely think it was a crime scene. The wounds weren’t healing, and blood kept pouring out, making him grow weaker and weaker. Though his red, puffy eyes wouldn’t let him rest at all.

It wasn’t enough, he deserved to hurt more. After all, a man died falling down a 12-story building, and he suffered; it was only fair that Peter suffered the same fate, if not worse. After all, it was his fault. But cutting his arm wasn’t enough anymore.

He tried what he did in the Compound not long ago; Peter started scratching his thighs and hips, but it wasn’t enough. The one thing that was useful for was for his broken arm to hurt even more, but that wasn’t Peter’s target, so it didn’t count.

The memory of him making the webbing came to his mind, and how he hurt himself when Natasha and Steve startled him. He tried and tried again to punch himself as hard as he could in his thighs. Maybe that could work, but his thighs weren’t enough. Instead, he started banging his head against the wall as hard as he could; maybe that way his brain would start working and he would finally be of use.

The exact opposite thing happened. Not long before he started damaging his brain with a full-force bang to the wall, the neighbors screamed at him to stop making so much noise. Peter was inconsiderate, and he didn’t deserve to live. It was now pretty evident that he was a burden to everyone, and maybe, just maybe, the world would be better off without him.

After having tried his best to hurt himself, and leaving evidence all around the floor, Peter’s body couldn’t take it anymore. Blood was still coming out of the cuts, and bruises were starting to show up on his thighs. The wall was slightly dented, victim of Peter’s fuckup. Everything was wrong, and the last thing Peter heard before he passed out was his phone ringing, and the words ‘Tony Stark’ on the screen.

Notes:

Surprise!! This is me posting this so soon as my gift to you for the first birthday of this fic. I'm very thankful for all of you and how you've stuck with the story for such a long time, it really means the world to me.

I know you guys love angst, so I really hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

I'm always open to polite criticism.

Leave any comments and kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! I love reading your thoughts, it's really encouraging.

With all my love and gratitude,
nk_d26

Chapter 35: the day will come when you can't cover up what you've done

Summary:

TW/ explicit self harm and suicidal ideation.

Please be aware of your mental situation before reading; it might be triggering to some of you.

Stay safe .x

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There were vague memories of the night before. It wasn’t very clear, and, with his eyes closed, and his mind shut down, there was very little Peter could go with to figure out what happened. Pain was there, so it must’ve been something bad. There was no reason for him to be in such excruciating pain if something terrible hadn’t happened; then, what happened?

It was bright outside; light was coming in through the windows, but he was in a foreign place. The past month Peter had woken up in front of an unnecessarily expensive TV, and a humongous window to his right. Now, though, the light beamed through a much smaller window, and he wasn’t in the comfort of his bed at the Compound; this was a hard surface, and his entire body was sore.

The first thing Peter noticed when his brain caught up with reality was how weird his own body felt. The last thing he remembered was banging his head, and then everything went black. It was very hard for him to realize what was going on. Bits by bits were coming back to him, constantly being distracted by an unexplainable pain in his left arm. The memories came flooding back in and, now that he remembered that he actually broke his arm, Peter felt it all.

Peter was living with Tony Stark. His aunt was in Europe for a postgraduate degree, and he was left with Tony. Peter told Tony that he was spending the day with Ned, who had left two days ago. Tony didn’t know where Peter was; he only told him he’d be spending the night at May’s apartment. What time was it, anyway? It was definitely later in the morning, but Peter was trying to collect his thoughts enough to process what was going on.

His eyes were finally starting to cooperate, and he was able to focus on his surroundings. It was a mess, to put it lightly. There were blood stains near him, the wall was dented, and there were office supplies scattered everywhere. What had he done? He was never like this, what did he even do? Was this the tipping point where he had to ask for help? Maybe it was, but Peter was far too ashamed of what he had done to ask someone for help.

Trying his best to get his body to cooperate and just move, Peter stood up to look for the one thing he knew would either be his doom or salvation. Looking at his phone was daunting. There were 3 voicemails, 7 missed calls, and 11 texts, all from Tony. It was actually surprising that he hadn’t show up yet.

“Hey, kid, Happy will pick you up at 11am. He’s dropping me off in Manhattan for a meeting at 10:30am; sounds good?”
“Why aren’t you picking up your phone, huh? Better not be hungover.”
“Come on, Peter, you gotta let us know what you want to do.”

It was now 10:15am, and Peter immediately started panicking. Tony was probably already at his destination, which meant Happy was probably on his way to pick him up. There was no way Peter would allow himself to be exposed like that to Happy. It was embarrassing, and he didn’t want anyone to know what he did. Quickly, and hoping he wasn’t too late, Peter texted Tony and Happy, hoping they wouldn’t question him.

‘I can wait for your meeting to be done; I’ll just have lunch in Queens. We could meet in Manhattan, if that’s okay.’
‘See you then, kid.”

Not for a second did Peter intend to follow through with that plan. He was too much of a mess to even consider facing them. He would have to, eventually, but better later; right now, Peter had absolutely no clue what to do about the whole deal. So, instead, the bus was the best alternative. There were buses headed north, and he could just take one and get off near the Compound. Anything was better than for Tony to see him absolutely destroyed and demolished.

The pain in his arm was all he could focus on. It was excruciating, but slowly turning in a pained numbness that blared an alarm in Peter’s brain, telling him it was a sign to do something about it.

But there was no telling what would happen if he actually asked for Tony’s help. He didn’t deserve it, anyway. Peter was damaged, he had been for a while, and it was just a matter of time before Tony realized that. Lately, he had effectively proved that he was just a burden to Tony, and Peter didn’t deserve what the man had given him, and Tony didn’t at all deserve what Peter put him through.

Tony didn’t sign up for having a murderer in his house. When Tony found out, he would surely hate Peter, and that brought a pain to his heart that was hard to describe. Who even was the man that he killed? The guilt was eating him alive. He was a doctor; that much Peter did remember. How could he be so stupid not to stand between the men and the doctor? What if he had children? Peter couldn’t know for sure, and the only way for him to know was with Tony’s help; but that wasn’t happening.

Tears were running down Peter’s cheeks, and he was feeling helpless and utterly useless. Most times, Peter improvised, and things ran smoothly. This time, though, everything was so complicated, and he didn’t have any clue where to even start picking up the pieces.

There was way too much evidence of his destruction in the room, and there was very little he could do by himself. After all, it now was like he didn’t have a left arm at all. That limb was effectively useless. So, without any other option, Peter decided to leave it like that, and hopefully come back soon to clean up himself before Tony could see what happened.

The fact that he hadn’t eaten anything in such a long time made the whole ordeal worse. There were no nutrients in his body, and his enhancements were all gone. It was now up to him to try and deal with everything he put his body through. But, it was very likely that he had anemia as well. It wouldn’t be a surprise, but it was a very unfortunate turn of events, especially given the circumstances.

Science was always Peter’s best subject at school, and he knew he couldn’t go on like this; he would definitely die if he didn’t get help soon. It was probably time for him to come clean. He was, after all, just a child, and recognizing that was embarrassing all in itself. Telling Tony that he screwed everything up was mortifying, and he didn’t know where to start.

The wounds he created were still very much open, but they stopped bleeding. It was a gruesome sight, and he could actually see what was underneath his skin. Terrifying was a word for it, but it resembled more something out of a horror movie. Now, Peter wasn’t an idiot; he knew he had to cover it with something to avoid infection. It was bad enough that his arm was about to fall off; he didn’t need to add gangrene to the mix.

Additionally, Peter remembered how he was punching his thigh, and now his muscles were also contributing to that memory. When he looked down, Peter saw there were very big bruises starting to form in his thighs and moving was a challenge it itself. His head was hurting, but in a much different way than it usually did; this time it was more of like someone had beat him with a baseball bat. Everything was just painful.

The phone was sitting right in front of him; it wasn’t necessarily hard to pick it up and call Tony. But, as hard as he tried to convince his mind to call him, it just wouldn’t happen. Peter didn’t have any idea of how to start explaining what happened. He couldn’t just ring him up and say he was about to die. From experience, Peter knew that wasn’t a great way to start a conversation with Tony, and Peter didn’t want to bother him anymore.

It was now 10:30am and Peter knew he had to make his move soon. The last 15 minutes were spent sitting on the floor and wincing whenever something came close to touching his left arm. Even the thought if it was painful, and he was getting really tired of it.

With that in mind, Peter tried to carefully put on his backpack with everything in it. Stuffing it with his clothes and wallet was surprisingly hard, but the sole act of putting his backpack on was excruciating. His collarbone was in so much pain, Peter thought it might kill him. Everything was just wrong.

First thing’s first; Peter went to a nearby pharmacy to get bandages that would cover his cuts. It was now pretty obvious to him that, regardless of how everything hurt, and the cuts didn’t was much as everything else, taking care of them was a top priority. Even if he wanted to die, Peter wanted to avoid it getting infected; that was nasty.

When he entered the establishment, Peter immediately noticed everyone’s eyes on him. They all had pity and concern written in their expression, but no one said anything to him. It was lonely, and, if possible, Peter felt even sadder with every step he took. No one really cared about him; he had become just a worthless bag of bones that no one took a second look at.

Now that his cuts were covered, and the risk of infection significantly decreased, Peter decidedly took the subway to Manhattan. He didn’t miss the same pitiful look on everyone around him; but Peter couldn’t blame them.

The sight of him must be pitiful. There were bags under his eyes, he was pale as a sheet, and his arm was pretty much being carried like heavy weight, not to mention how he was dragging himself around the place, because making the effort to move properly hurt too much.

As before, Peter retrieved money from the ATM and headed to the bus station to get a bus ticket to Albany. Even if he felt like dying, he was still conscious enough to know he had a responsibility to himself to build up some savings in case he had to use it. Not that it was likely, though. He would probably die before that.

Sitting on the bus was painful, but, when he finally settled in, it was comfortable and he didn’t think he had to strength to get off the bus. He had to, though. It was his plan to get off near the Compound and walked all the way there. It wasn’t like he could call someone to pick him up; there was no way he could be selfish enough to bother them with his lack of strength.

“Why the hell aren’t you in the city, kid? What’s going on?”
“Oh, hey, Mr. Stark, I just have some things to do.”
“A heads up would’ve been nice, don’t you think?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“Why didn’t you call Happy?”
“I didn’t want to bother him, you know? He already had to pick you up, and it would’ve been too much of a burden to him.”
“We’ll talk later, Peter.”

Peter had forgotten that Tony always had a way to keep tabs of where he was at all times. It was not really a surprise, but Peter really hoped that wouldn’t happen. But it, did. It went well, though. Tony didn’t seem to think anything more than what Peter told him; he was safe.

____________________

After the bus stopped and Peter got off, the walk to the Compound was challenging. As Spider-Man, Peter always had to keep up with having to move around a lot, and it was never complicated. But, this time, it seemed like he would for sure drop dead if he made a wrong move.

More than five times Peter had to sit down to catch his breath. It hurt way more than Peter would want to accept, but there was no other way. It was getting really hard to hold himself steady and to stand on his feet.

His skin was burned and cracked; the strong summer sunlight against him and fighting alongside Peter’s dehydration. He had been too wrapped up in his own world that he didn’t remember to drink water, or anything at all. It was as exhausting as exhausting goes.

Since his arrival to the Compound, Peter had gotten to know most people who worked there. It was nice, and he felt less like an outsider. He had crossed paths with Michael a lot of times when he was heading out with Tony or Happy. This time, though, he didn’t recognize Peter, and it was scary.

“What’s your name, again?”
“It’s Peter, I’m Peter.”
“And your last name?”
“It’s Parker, Peter Parker.”
“I’m sorry, kid, that doesn’t sound right; your biometrics aren’t in the database. Don’t you have an ID or something?”

Peter did have an ID; it was in his backpack. The thought of even moving his arm to get the backpack down was way too painful, and he just didn’t want to go through even more pain that day.

“No, I don’t have it on me.”
“Just let me get Mr. Stark on the phone and we’ll figure it out.”
“No, please, don’t do that. Just ask FRIDAY, I swear I have access.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, kid. Let me call main base; we’ll figure it out.”

Peter didn’t know what that meant, but he really hoped it was FRIDAY. Maybe they didn’t know her by that name, but, whatever the case, he finally let him in after what felt like a lifetime.

There was absolutely no telling where anyone was. When his enhancements worked – hell, even his normal senses – he could hear when someone was nearby. Now, though, with the blow to his head, and the complete exhausting he was feeling, there was no telling if someone was seeing him enter the living quarters.

Peter was no genius, but it didn’t take one to know that he looked absolutely demolished and overall terrible. If someone saw him, they would make a whole deal out of it. Specially Natasha, Bucky or Wanda; they would without a doubt call Tony, and Peter would have to deal with everything before he was ready.

Truth was, Peter was just delaying the inevitable. Deep inside himself Peter knew this was it. There was no way he could lie his way out of this one. Tony would know what happened, and Peter would have to deal with that. But each minute that passed that Tony didn’t know was good to Peter.

Thank god for Natasha’s stealth training. Even if his brain was a mush, and his muscles were about to give up, Peter was able to edge the left building and get inside without being noticed. Thankfully, Perter didn’t see anyone noticing him. If they had, they would’ve sure tried to stop him, but no one did.

When he got to his room, Peter felt relief. It was like the agony he was feeling stopped for a brief moment, and relief took its place. The heavy weight that he was carrying on his back slowly faded, at least metaphorically.

When he tried taking off the backpack, Peter had a very hard time not screaming in pain. Every move felt like death, and he had to bite his lip to avoid loudly letting everyone know how damaged his bones were.

After it was off his back, Peter slowly slid to the floor and sat down. There was nothing he wanted more than to lay on his bed and be swallowed by the comfort of it, but Peter knew better. If he did, his arm would be damaged beyond saving, and Peter didn’t really feel like losing a limb.

He should call someone. Peter really wanted to call someone. Being Spider-Man made Peter forget that he wasn’t an adult. He was just a child, and there was little he could do. No one had taught him how to deal with a broken arm, not that they should’ve; but it was terrifying, and he feared for his life.

One certain uncertainty was Tony’s reaction. There would probably be rage and disappointment. Those were emotions that Peter knew all too well from his past fuck ups that Tony had to deal with.

There was something pretty obvious that Peter didn’t want to admit, but chances were, Peter being Spider-Man was done for good. It brought tears to Peter’s eyes, and it was very scary to think of a life in which he didn’t even get the chance to help people. Not that he was very useful, anyway.

When he found out, Tony would definitely go through all his stuff to find anything and everything Peter was hiding, and there were multitudes of them. At the top of his head were the dried, bloodied tissues. They were just sitting there at the back of his closet, and they had to be removed. It took everything in Peter to figure out how to move his legs to get up and throw them out. But it didn’t happen. His legs decided to stop working, and moving at all became a challenge.

The last time he felt like this he passed out, and this time it would probably be something of the likes. FRIDAY would tell on him, for sure. Now that Tony knew about some of his issues, he probably programmed her to keep an eye out on any strange behaviors. It wouldn’t be a surprise.

Had she told someone already? Peter didn’t want her to, but he really hoped she did. He was so extremely tired, and it was about time for him to get help, to put down his guard. It had been up for such a long time, and he wanted to catch a break. Maybe getting help wasn’t as dauting as it sounded.

What was he even thinking? He didn’t deserve to put down his guard. Peter was weak, and he wasn’t enough. He shouldn’t even be Spider-Man. He had done so much wrong, and he had to work much harder to atone for his sins. Just a simply cry for help wasn’t enough. It just wasn’t.

If food went down Peter’s throat, it would definitely come back up without even trying to stay down. It had been so long since he last ate something, and it was truly astounding how he hadn’t passed out yet. But, the dizziness was there, and it felt like he was passing out with every breath he took.

Every move he made was unsteady, and, being that lightheaded and no sense of coordination led to Peter hitting his left arm to a wall. An excruciating electricity shot through his arm and tears came out of his eyes. It was pain like he didn’t know existed.

“FUCK!”

If it wasn’t for the knock on the door, Peter could’ve sworn that he went to another dimension. The pain in his arm was so excruciating that it had lost any sense at all. But that knock grounded him to earth, and it scared him shitless.

“Hey, kid, everything okay in here?”
“Uhm –”
“Open the door, Pete.”

What was Bucky even doing in the left building? If there was any place at all Peter thought he would never have to cross paths with him was in the left building. Tensions were still pretty high with everything that happened in Siberia, and Peter knew Bucky and Tony actively avoided each other. His being there was odd.

Thanks to that, Bucky didn’t open the door. More precisely, he couldn’t open the door. It was miraculous enough that he was even inside the left building, but Peter knew for sure Tony wouldn’t allow him in the rooms. For once, Peter thanked everything above him for the conflict they had.

“Is everything okay? What’s going on?”

Bucky was an adult, maybe he could help. Chances were he wouldn’t tell Tony right away, so that was good. But panic coursed through Peter’s veins, and he couldn’t bring himself to do much else than cry and try to talk through his choked sobs.

“I’m – I’m fine.”
“What happened, kid? Why did you scream? Open up.”
“I hit my, uhm, my arm in – in the nerve; it was, uhm, painful.”
“I’ll get Rhodes to check on you.”
“NO! Don’t do that, please.”

Bucky probably wouldn’t immediately tell on him; Rhodey definitely would. If he saw the state in which Peter was, he would make a big fuss of it, and it was now Peter’s plan to delay exactly that coming from him or Tony.

“FRIDAY, please open the door.”

There was really no other alternative, and nothing else Peter could think about to avoid it. Bucky wouldn’t simply turn around, that much Peter knew. When he found him stuffing his face with chocolate and bread not long ago, he grew wary of Peter and what he did. It was a good guess that he would keep an eye on him. It didn’t make it any less terrifying, though.

“What the hell happened here, Peter?”
“Uhm, yeah, everything’s fine, I’m okay.”
“How did you hurt your arm? Doesn’t look right.”
“Uhm, I – against the wall?”

It was hard to come up with any lies. His brain was running out of options to function, and it was just overall exhausting. Thankfully, he was wearing long sleeves, and his still very raw cuts weren’t visible; that would’ve been a very different conversation.

“Let me see, kid, I’ll help you.”
“Actually, it’s okay, it’s just a bit painful, I’ll be okay.”
“You gotta tell Banner about this; he’ll get you proper help.”
“Don’t tell him, please. It’s just dislocated, it’s happened before, I’ll be alright.”
“I thought you said you hit a nerve.”
“Yeah, uhm, I hit a nerve when I, uhm, hit the wall.”
“Don’t do this kid, you need help.”
“I’m fine, really, I just need to rest.”
“Peter…”
“You have training with Sam, right? Natasha said so yesterday.”
“That’s not true.”

Everything was getting mixed up in his brain, and Peter was having a really hard time untangling it all. The chances of him contradicting himself with every sentence that came out of his mouth were pretty high, but it was hard to tell. Focusing was a real challenge, and he didn’t have the strength anymore.

“What the hell is going on? What are you kidding? Do you want me to call Stark?”
“Leave me the fuck alone.”
“Come on, kid…”
“I swear I will tell Tony you’re fucking up the agreement; leave me alone.”

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Peter regretted them. He knew how delicate the situation was, and he still took advantage of it and what he knew. It was despicable and it only made his self-hatred grow. Much to his surprise, Bucky didn’t look hurt at all, it was more of a concerned expression that Peter didn’t quite understand.

“You gotta ask for help, Peter.”

Without any other word, Bucky left the room and it felt like Peter’s world collided. Most of the words that he spoke were unauthorized. His brain was telling him to ask for help, but his mouth barked hurtful words, and it was humiliating. Peter was hyperventilating, and an anxiety attack was imminent.

“Peter, I’m compelled to call Mr. Stark.”
“No, FRIDAY, please don’t do that, I’m fine.”
“You have severe injuries and require immediate medical attention, Peter.”
“I’m okay, Everything’s fine, really, I’m – ”

____________________

Waking up disoriented was starting to get really annoying. What Peter did know was that he didn’t pass out. The past experiences were much more different; the only explanation was that he fell asleep on the floor. Thankfully, it was laying on his right arm; his left one would’ve probably popped out of his body if it were the other way.

The headache was only contributing to how dizzy he felt. Once more, Peter had no clue where he was. Everything was dark and silent, and Peter feared he was now actually dead. Maybe that was a good thing, though. Was he dead? Probably not – his arm still hurt like hell.

Maybe he was in hell. He deserved hell. After all, he killed two people, not to mention how he was wasting Tony’s time and resources, and how he was a burden to May. People like that deserved a painful death and hell, right? At least Peter thought that only he did.

“Peter, it’s currently 6:17pm. Mr. Stark arrived an hour ago and asked to meet him for dinner in 45 minutes.”

Now, that was horrifying. It was inevitable, and Peter thought he had accepted that earlier. But his brain was barely functioning, and being aware of time was something that became much more complicated that it used to.

Peter didn’t want to see Tony, specially not for dinner. The thought of eating was terrifying, and he didn’t think he could eat without puking everything out.

Truth was, Peter also knew he had to eat. It was now pretty clear to him that he was actually rotting from lack of food. Everything hurt, focusing was now a foreign, past action, and moving was excruciating. How the hell was he even going to gather the strength to get out of the room.

“FRIDAY, could you please tell Mr. Stark that I’m asleep?”
“If unattended, your condition will soon be critical, Peter; I don’t recommend deceiving Mr. Stark.”
“I know; thanks, FRIDAY.”

Since he left the city headed to the Compound, Peter was dreaming to lay on his bed and just disappear. With how hard it became to move, it was a pretty safe bet to say he was now glued to the floor and wouldn’t move. But, still, Peter made the effort and moved to the bed. It was the last thing he assumed his body could handle.

There were voices outside of his room, and he distinctly recognized Tony’s. Peter wanted to stop breathing and stay as still as he could so that Tony would actually believe that he was asleep. Thankfully, it worked, and he didn’t enter Peter’s room, giving him the space to accept his miserable fate.

Before he met Tony, and even some time after, Peter tended to his wounds on his own. Why would this time be any different? He was being a crybaby, and he didn’t deserve to complain so much. Instead, he took the tablet on his bedside table and started researching how to take care of a broken bone at home.

Nothing seemed promising, though. Everything that came up was about first aid care before going to an actual doctor. It was truly disappointing but not surprising. It was now almost 24 hours since he broke the bone, and Peter started wondering if he had done any real damage.

When he moved his arm it hurt, and it hurt bad. But, otherwise, when he stayed still, it was like it wasn’t even there at all. It had gone numb, and that was terrifying. That was probably a sign that he should tell Tony. That was a very scary thought, and Peter decided to still delay it.

Without any other alternative, Peter started watching TV. He had heard before that people distracted themselves when something hurt so they could focus on something else other than the pain. It was the way to go.

It was now 10pm and he started channel surfing. Nothing seemed good enough, the distraction wasn’t good enough, and he was running out of options. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a news outlet channel, and it showed him in his made-up suit on top of the hospital and then next to the man.

Images of the doctor falling came back to Peter’s mind like strong waves, and it brought Peter a different kind of pain, arguably worse than the physical one. Tears were pooling in his eyes, and reading the words on the TV was hard, but he still got it, hoping he hadn’t.

‘Is the Spider-Man now the criminal?’
‘Spider-Man gone bad.’
‘Is the city safer without Spider-Man?’

His fears were being confirmed, and he was desperately hoping that it was just his imagination. But now there was no way he could deny it. The news were being pretty clear about it: no one needed him, he was worthless. Was the city safer without him? That was a thought that hadn’t crossed Peter’s mind, but it appeared that it was true, and now it was embedded in his brain.

He deserved the pain he was in. His wannabe hero only screwed things up and told himself it was for the good of everyone. But he fooled himself, only being egotistical and selfish. He deserved to hurt.

There were blades in the drawer; he remembered he kept them there just in case. This was the case. The bandage he had carelessly created was now laying on the floor. He tore it apart with such strength that he actually screamed in pain, his broken bone not forgiving him.

Who cared, anyway? What if he cut his wounds open again? No one cared at all, he wasn’t worthy of their concern. Blood was coming out, and it was much more than what it was the day before. It should’ve been scary, but each cut felt like a breath he could take. It was his fault and he had to be punished for it.

“What the hell is this about Spider-Man in Queens gone rogue?”

It seemed like time stayed still. Peter locked eyes with Tony, and he swore he saw tears in his eyes. It was ridiculous, really. He was staring at him with wide eyes, and Peter realized there was nothing he could do.

Why?

And then, darkness.

Notes:

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I really wanted to show how Peter was on the point of no return. Though we're not at peak angst yet!! One of these days I swear I'll go back and check grammar and spelling. I always reread the chapter on my phone after it's been posted, and I know I have some mistakes. One of these days...

I'm always open to polite criticism :)

If you liked this chapter leave any kudos and comments! It's always very encouraging and I love hearing your thoughts.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend :)x.

Chapter 36: now, don't lose your fight, kid

Summary:

so many things to say... notes at the end!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Lately, everything Peter could think about was pain. Not only did he think about it, but it was also everything he felt. The last thing he remembered was pain; the kind that makes your breath hitch and makes everything go away, only to be replaced with an endless void of agony and misery.

At first, it was the only thing Peter registered – pain. Minute after minute he started noticing everything around him, and it was both oddly foreign but also familiar in a way he couldn’t quite describe. He had been there before, that much he knew. The cozy cream-colored duvet, in addition to the landmarks’ pictures, brought a sense of fearful comfort that intensified how dizzy he was feeling.

The night after Sophie died, Peter slept in the room next to Tony’s. Peter was now in that room again. If it weren’t for the growing ache all over his body, Peter would’ve had time to grieve her more, but the pain was getting distracting.

There was an IV in his right hand and moving was painful. A tube was strapped to his cheek, and it went up his nose and it was very painful. There was a sling holding his left arm and bandages in his inner forearm and it was painful. The discomfort was unexplainable, and Peter was having a hard time understanding it himself. It had been a long time since he last felt that sort of soreness.

Images came back and he remembered exactly how it felt like when Tony saw him self-harming. The physical pain was now irrelevant; Peter was mortified and anxious.

Tony shouldn’t have to deal with him. He was such a good man, and Peter was putting him through so much shit he didn’t deserve. It was inconsiderate and it reminded Peter of how selfish and ungrateful he was.

Why couldn’t he just go away and never come back? Yes, Peter definitely recognized he needed help, but no one should be burdened with the mess that he was. If he went away, no one would have to deal with him anymore; it would be better for everyone – it would be better for everyone if he just died.

Deep down, though, Peter was relieved. For a couple of weeks Peter had been noticing how catastrophe was coming. The feeling of it creeping around, waiting for the best time to attack, didn’t go unnoticed, but there was nothing Peter could do. Someone finally found out; it felt like he could finally breathe, even if he hated himself for it.

It shouldn’t have been Tony, though. Peter didn’t want it to be Tony, but he so desperately wanted it to be him. For one, Peter had burdened him enough. But, Tony was like a father to Peter, and, most days, he just wanted to hug him and just admit how broken he was. It felt like he was drowning; if Tony hadn’t noticed, Peter wouldn’t survive.

It was foolish of Peter to think he could go on like this without ever stopping. Idiotic wasn’t one of the adjectives Peter would describe himself with; he had survival instincts, regardless of how much he wanted to die. It was pretty obvious that he would jump at the first sign of help. Truth was, Peter didn’t know if he wanted to be helped.

His thoughts were interrupted by steps. Someone was walking in the room next door, and that someone was Tony; he could recognize his footsteps already. The fact that he could hear all the way from there was dreadful, and it made Peter want to hide and cry.

Hearing from afar meant that he was getting fat again. If his enhancements were resurging, it meant that his body had way more calories than Peter would allow himself to have. Peter didn’t deserve that energy.

Though, maybe, just maybe, it was a good thing. If his enhanced hearing was reactivated, his healing was, too; probably. Peter knew Tony would be far too concerned to agree with Peter in any level, but maybe seeing his body heal would make him stress less, and maybe that was the only way for Peter to stop screwing up for once.

Everything else was a downside, though. Peter had grown used to feeling cold, and he despised it. It reminded him of how much he had eaten, and it only made him want to starve. Now, though, a comforting warmth settled in his stomach, and it made him nauseous. It wasn’t like his body wasn’t grateful for it, but Peter knew what that meant, and it made him panic.

The steps came closer and closer until he could finally see the man standing in front of the door, but he wasn’t alone. Tony was with someone Peter hadn’t yet met, but he knew who he was, and it was intimidating and even more mortifying than Peter thought possible.

As far as Peter understood, Tony didn’t have the best relationship with Stephen Strange. They were both geniuses and, from what Peter had heard about the man, he was just as stubborn as Tony. It didn’t take a prodigy to know that wasn’t a good mix.

Tony didn’t say a word at all. He simply stood arms crossed, silent, and eyes locked on Peter in the door frame. It was a bit far from him, but Peter didn’t fail to notice the bags under his eyes or the redness in them. It was pretty obvious what caused them, and it made Peter feel guilty to the point where he was actively fighting the tears from coming out.

“It’s good to see you awake, Peter; you were out for a long time.”
“W-what?”
“It’s Tuesday, kid; it’s been three days.”
“Oh.”
“My name is Doctor Stephen Strange, Stark asked for my help here, which it seemed you could really use.”
“Uhm, hi.”
“You did quite some damage to that arm of yours. A good colleague of mine operated on it on Sunday at the Metro General Hospital; you were in good hands.”
“Oh.”
“You know, Peter, a couple of days later, you would’ve punctured the skin. The bone was moving towards a dangerous position; not to mention how low your bone density is. Thankfully, we got it just in time for it to be saved; gotta be more careful.”
“What is this?”

Truth be told, he didn’t care about his arm. Objectively, he did, but there were more pressing matters in his head. The tube up his nose was growing more and more uncomfortable with each passing minute that he was awake, and he had no idea what was going on.

“That, Peter, is a nasogastric tube. You’re an overachiever, kid; deficient in pretty much all nutrients and vitamins. That tube will provide nutritional rehabilitation for the time being.”
“But – I…”
“We went for the NG tube because we didn’t know your throat would react to any ingestion. How long has it been since you last ate something?”
“Uhm, I guess, you know, just, uhm, counting these three days – I guess, uhm, almost a week, I think?”

There was no use in lying on this one. After all, peter did want his body to recover so he could fix his fuck ups and be of use again. Unfortunately, as usual, Peter wasn’t careful, and now his words hurt Tony. The man turned around and took a deep breath; it pained Peter because he knew exactly what that meant.

“Go on, Strange.”
“Here’s what happens next, Peter. We’ll continue with the NG tube for a couple more days; give your body time to absorb nutrients. Maybe then we can see how to reincorporate solids to your diet. Our first priority is your physical health, but I highly recommend psychological assistance in this case. I am no expert, but I can refer you to some really great professionals that will know how to help you.”

Now that was something Peter did not want. It would be a waste, really. He was helpless, and there was no fixing him; that much was very clear to him. So many more people actually needed and deserved that kind of help; Peter shouldn’t take that away from them, he had already taken so much away from so many people, it wouldn’t be fair.

“I don’t need that, really, I’m fine, everything’s fine. This was just a tiny slip up – I’m okay, I really am, everything’s good.”
“Are you serious, Peter? How can you not see what’s going on? You’re dying, kid, how do you not see it?”
“Tony’s right, Peter, your body won’t keep up with this for much longer; you can’t continue living like this.”
“But, I swear, I just –”
“You have a truly outstanding metabolism, and you need to act as such. Your body won’t keep you alive with any less, especially with how you’ve been giving it nothing.”
“I swear, Dr. Strange, I really am okay.”
“Focus on resting and try to keep calm. They just want to help you because they care about you, Peter, they want you to be okay.”

Peter started crying, even if he really didn’t want to. The tears betrayed him, and they were now freely running down his cheeks, exposing his weaknesses. He didn’t deserve any of it, didn’t deserve their concern or love. It was so embarrassing, and he wanted to crawl into himself and cease to exist.

“GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Most times, when he had an outburst like that, May, effectively, left him to deal with everything on his own. Peter never once blamed her; it was what he was asking her to do. This time, Peter thought it would be the same, but it wasn’t. Stephen left the room, evidently uncomfortable; Tony didn’t even flinch, didn’t move a muscle. He stood in place even after Peter continued screaming at him to leave.

If Peter had the chance to pick when he wanted to die, this would be it. The whole thing was just mortifying, and everything hurt; he was just exhausted and humiliated. The only thing Peter knew for a fact he wanted to do was get up and run away.

Truth was, he was weak. It wasn’t like he wasn’t weak before; this time it was weakness in a deeper lever he hadn’t experienced before, at least not that he could recall. It felt like his bones were now stubborn children, and they wouldn’t let him move.

The lack of control over his own body was so frustrating, and Peter just wanted to scream. He was always in control; everything was under control, why did he screw up so badly that now not even his body was listening? It felt like constraint, and the immediate sign of it was the sling. So, he tried to take it off.

Excruciating pain shot through his entire system and his only response was to scream in pain. The hysteria with which he was crying was ridiculous, but he didn’t know how to control it, it was just happening.

“Come on, Peter, don’t do this.”
“It’s going to be okay.”
“You gotta stay still, probably want your arm, don’t you?”

Tony held him, that much he was aware of. It was foreign, though. Peter heard him talk, and he was being so gentle, it made him wonder if that was the Tony Stark he knew. Peter knew he was giving him the space to freak out, and Peter really appreciated that; his system was now saturated and letting some things out was a need.

Every tear seemed to take away an ounce of energy away from him, and he was left with nothing. Peter was so exhausted from crying, and the emotional baggage was weighing down on him much heavier than before, almost to the point of it being unbearable; he fell asleep with a strong scent of cologne invading his nostrils and strong arms holding him.

____________________

For a moment, Peter thought he knew where he was. That moment was fleeting, and he went back to first base. Everything was bright, and it was hurting his eyes. What hurt most, though, was that something that was blocking his throat.

It was blocking his airways, and it felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. Maybe he wasn’t necessarily choking, but Peter started hyperventilating. It was so strange, and he didn’t know what was going on, didn’t like what was going on.

He had to take it out, there were too many things poking his body, and he wasn’t having it anymore. So, Peter tore out the tube that went up his nostril and the IV hooked to his arm. It hurt like hell, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was figuring things out, and he couldn’t do that there, wherever there was.

He was in a bed, but then he wasn’t. Using whatever strength he had in his body, Peter fell to the ground after a miserably failed attempt at getting out of the bed. His legs felt so wobbly, almost like jell-o, and the lack of control of his body forbade him from knowing which steps to take.

It would’ve been a successful effort, were it not for his betraying knees. He was now out of the room, and for a single second it felt like he could’ve succeeded. But his knees disagreed, and, as he made it to the living room in front of the room he was previously in, his legs gave out and he was heading to the floor again, no regard for his physical integrity.

Tony and Pepper were there. Maybe it was a good thing, Peter hadn’t decided yet. Regardless, they both immediately stood up and went to catch him before he could hit the ground. It was Tony who got to him first, and that was definitely a good thing. It was all a mess in his head, but he did know that Tony took him to the sofa; if he carried him or served him as his personal crutch was unknown to Peter, and he wasn’t really sure which option was worse.

It seemed like time didn’t exist anymore; everything seemed to stay still. There were three things Peter knew for a fact: he was crying, Pepper was holding him, and he was in so much pain. Nothing made sense anymore; even if he really tried, Peter couldn’t gather energy enough to understand what was going on, and it was frustrating.

“I’m gonna call Strange, get everything set up again.”
“NO.”
“Honey, you need the tube, it’ll make you feel better soon.”
“Please don’t, I’m okay.”
“You need it, kid. You could die, Peter, what about that don’t you understand?”
“I really am okay, I promise, I’m fine.”
“Come on, kid, you’re not an idiot.”
“Tony…”
“No, seriously, Pep, he has to know what he’s doing to himself. We shouldn’t be having this discussion, I’m calling him.”
“DON’T DO THAT.”
“Both of you need to calm down, right now.”
“I swear, Ms. Potts, I’m okay.”
“You need the IV, Peter; your body doesn’t have anything to keep itself up with.”
“I can get Banner in here; he can set it up himself.”
“Does that sound good, honey?”
“I – I don’t know.”
“We can call Dr. Strange and discuss the NG tube; see what can be done.”

Peter was so grateful to have Pepper with him. Even if he hated himself for making her come such a long way to deal with his pathetic existence, he was still grateful. Peter knew that, if it was only Tony there, he would probably force feed him if needed to, and Peter didn’t want that at all.

But Pepper had red eyes, too. She looked so exhausted and like she hadn’t gotten a minute of sleep. It made Peter feel so incredibly guilty. He was making things worse for everyone around him, and the thought of that alone made Peter want to die far more than anything else he had ever thought about.

“We just want to help you, kid.”
“But, Mr. Stark, I – ”
“You need help, and that’s not up for discussion. Everything else we can chat about later, but you have to agree to something. You gotta help us out, Pete.”

Honestly, exhaustion was taking over him again. Peter was now tired, and he didn’t really want to use his energy to fight with Tony. So, to make things easier, he simply nodded and remained quiet. That seemed to satisfy them, so Peter tried to curl into himself so maybe he could disappear.

It wasn’t really his intention, but he ended up cuddling right next to Pepper. She put a blanket over him and Peter was so incredibly grateful for it. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve guessed it was winter; everything was cold and his fingers felt like they could fall off. But that blanket felt amazing.

“Thank you…”

Peter didn’t really feel like talking a lot, so he thanked her as lowly as his voice allowed it. Maybe it was selfish of him, but Pepper smiled at him, so it was fine. When she started running her fingers through Peter’s hair, he swore he felt tears pooling in his eyes. He felt so safe and loved; it was a shame that he didn’t deserve it, it wouldn’t last.

“Well, kid, what do you prefer? Would you rather have Bruce come help us out?”
“Does he know?”
“Yes, he does. He was right next door and helped us out.”
“Oh.”
“So, him?”
“Who else knows?”
“No one else, and it’ll remain that way.”
“I really don’t care.”

It came the time when Peter stopped caring entirely. He just wanted to comply and get it over with. Besides, if he agreed to everything they said, he would stop being such a burden to them.

Deep down, though, Peter did care. He wanted it to be Stephen. After all, he hadn’t really had the chance to meet him, and didn’t know anything about him. On the other hand, Bruce did know him, and he hadn’t ever seen him in such state before. The last thing Peter wanted was for Bruce Banner to see him as weak. He probably already did but clinging to the hope that he didn’t was just another way that Peter fooled himself.

“Tony, we should call Dr. Strange; it’s more his field, don’t you think?”
“Strange it is.”

As dreadful as it was, Peter’s senses were now rebooting, and he instinctively pulled back. A sparkly portal appeared out of nowhere, and it freaked him out. Never had Peter seen anything like that, and it was scary. Slightly fascinating, but mostly terrifying.

“We need a little help here, Strange.”

It went by in the blink of an eye. Peter didn’t remember how much time went by, but an IV was now set again in his wrist, and a new sling secured his arm. But reality pulled him right back when Stephen reached for the NG tube. That was not about to happen, not if Peter could do anything about it. It wasn’t like he could do much other than hide behind Pepper.

“Actually, would it be possible to not use the tube for now?”
“It’s a much faster way for Peter’s body to heal. Look, kid, I understand the discomfort, but it’s what’s best.”
“I – I just, I don’t – ”
“How about we make a deal: we monitor how it goes only with the IV if you don’t rip it out this time. The nasogastric tube worked better than expected.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
“Try giving him some water later, Ms. Potts, we’ll see how that goes.”
“We will, thank you.”
“You have an impressive body, Peter, you have to take care of it.”

Maybe some tears ran down his face, or maybe they didn’t. Probably best if it was the latter. Peter was so ashamed, and he was being treated like a toddler; it was humiliating. There was nothing he could do, though, this was now what his life would look like.

“Thank you for dropping by. My sincerest apologies for interrupting your mystical duties.”
“Wong’s at the Sanctum, I’m sure he’ll keep it working while I’m not there. I’m happy to help.”
“Well, then good luck.”

It had been way too long since Peter remembered feeling anything other than fear and exhaustion. Except today he was mortified and ashamed, too. Everything was just horrible, and Peter didn’t know how much more he could take.

Why wasn’t he careful enough? He used to always be mindful of where he was and who was around when he was punishing himself. But he was an idiot, and for that he was letting everything go to waste.

Every effort he had ever made was now gone; they would certainly keep an eye on him at all times now. He wasn’t helping anyone like that, he was just taking up space that someone could put to much better use. He was only making life worse for Pepper, Tony, and May.

Oh, god, did they tell May? She wasn’t here, so maybe they didn’t, but it seemed very unlikely. If they did tell her, this would be his doom. She had given up so much for him and he just went and made it all about himself. He was selfish, and he was ruining everyone’s life.

It was something he probably would’ve wanted to know. Probably. But sleep was taking over him, and he just didn’t have the energy to ask. Instead, what he last knew happened was stumbling to get to his room with Tony holding him, and Pepper never letting go of his hand.

____________________

This was different. This was better. As soon as Peter opened his eyes, he could feel the huge difference with how he had woken up last time. His body was now actually his, and he was aware of what was going on around him. Ice wasn’t replacing what coursed through his body anymore, he was getting warmer by the second. He wasn’t dying anymore.

Little by little, Peter’s memory was jogged, and he now knew where he was and what happened. Even thinking about it was mortifying, but he was starting to come to terms with it. There was nothing he could do about it now; what was left was try to do better while convincing Tony that he was okay.

What was he supposed to do now? That was an uncertainty Peter wasn’t ready to face. It seemed like they were happy whenever he accepted anything they said; maybe he could ‘come clean’ to them and just accept whatever Pepper and Tony told him. After all, he knew what was coming, and it was pointless to try and avoid it.

Peter also considered the possibility of trying to make it seem like it wasn’t something huge. Maybe, with some luck, he could fool them into thinking he was actually okay. Chances are they would see right through him, but Peter was at that point of despair where he would take the slightest of chances.

Truth was, he needed to be better. Yes, maybe he collapsed and, yes, maybe he shattered his arm enough to need surgery, but that wasn’t anything relevant enough. He had killed two people, and he wasn’t about to forget about it because he was a crybaby.

Having Pepper and Tony all over him, taking care of him and just overall worrying made it easier for Peter to forget that that doctor died because of him. Even if he tried telling himself that he did, Peter still thought he had to be punished harder for it. The man should be alive, and Peter shouldn’t; it wasn’t fair.

Maybe he had failed them all but stopping wasn’t an option. If he stopped improving himself, the city would suffer. Images of Ben came to Peter’s mind, and it just made his will to protect much greater.

The news thought otherwise, though. Peter had almost forgotten about it. That memory was locked away in the back of his brain, too many thoughts taking precedence in his head. But now they were back to haunt him.

Was everything they said about him true? Had he done nothing right? Was everything he did as Spider-Man in vain? Was he doing more harm than good? Was he just fooling himself into thinking he was actually useful?

Rage engulfed him, and he could feel the fire within him trying to get out. Peter was mad at himself at a level he couldn’t quite explain. Everything he thought was going right was wrong, and he was to blame.

But Peter knew in his heart that he couldn’t do anything about it. Now that Pepper and Tony were on maximum alert, he had to keep up appearances and make them believe that he was okay, even if it meant he had to eat. Honestly, he could sell his story pretty easily. Tony would definitely believe him if he said he just hit rock bottom and he was determined to be better. It would be a lie, obviously, but he didn’t need to know that.

Peter wondered what Tony would say. What he remembered from when he first woke up was that he wasn’t mad, not even a tiny bit. He didn’t expect that at all. He had always known that Tony wasn’t the man that everyone thought him to be, but Peter did think that he would be ridiculously pissed off at him for pulling that.

Spider-Man was now gone, probably. Peter had almost forgotten about the whole rogue Spider-Man thing, but surely Tony hadn’t. It wouldn’t come as a surprise that Tony would forbid him from going out on patrol again, not that Peter could blame him. He had it coming, much to his dismay. It was still a terrifying thought, though.

If May didn’t know before, she would now. Tony would definitely call her and let her know. The first time he caught Peter purging, he didn’t tell her. But this was definitely something major, and Peter wondered if Tony asked her to come. What did she know about this, anyway? Probably not much, but Peter didn’t want to know the answer.

Pepper would probably come to talk to him, too. It was the one thing Peter wanted to do. She was able to calm both him and Tony down, and that was one decision that definitely shifted how the day was going. There was a maternal instinct to her that Peter craved. It was some sort of tenderness that Peter had been needing for a long time now. Even if he wanted to leave, Peter felt safe with her, and she was a reason to not escape.

“Good morning, sweetie, how are you feeling?”
“Uhm, hi.”
“Are you up for eating something?”

He wasn’t, so he remained silent and lowered his head. It wasn’t all about not wanting to eat; he hadn’t had anything solid down his throat in such a long time that the thought made him nauseous. Thankfully, Tony walked in, which made Pepper’s disappointment short-lived to Peter’s eyes.

Tony sat down in front of Peter and handed him a bottle of water with a straw. It was so odd. The mat sat across him without a word, but he didn’t break eye contact with him. Peter recognized pain, especially Tony’s pain. He had seen it plenty of times, mostly because of the Rogues. Now he was the reason behind it, and he hated himself for it.

If his eyes were saying anything, Peter hoped they were getting the message across that he didn’t want it. He was very near to begging Tony not to make him drink it. Honestly, he was just scared of it; he was scared of the feeling.

“Come on, kid.”
“You need to try, Peter, it’ll be good for you.”

It had probably been well over a week since anything went down his throat, and Peter knew it would hurt. If it wasn’t because he decided to, Peter didn’t want to hurt, he had to be the author of his destruction. But the only way to make them believe that he was doing better was to comply, so he did.

With shaky hands, Peter took the bottle from Tony and took a small sip of water. The liquid felt so foreign in his mouth, even if it was only water. It was like his body had forgotten how to process it, and it was now discovering something new.

He wanted to hide it, he really did, but Peter couldn’t help but wince in pain. There was nothing more Peter wanted than to throw the bottle across the room and just stop, but he knew he couldn’t. He was smart, and he knew it would be good for his health but, most importantly, the façade; he kept on having small sips.

“I have to take care of something. Will you two be okay if I leave you alone for ten minutes?”
“Do you really think that little of me, honey?”

Seeing that small affectionate exchange between Pepper and Tony made Peter see a small glimpse of normalcy, and he savored it, but craved for more. He missed how it was just a couple of weeks before. He missed everything, but now he was on a different path.

Truth was, Peter didn’t want to be alone with Tony. Even if he tried, he couldn’t find words enough to apologize for what he had done to Tony. They sat in awkward silence for a while, Peter playing with the straw and Tony looking directly at him, but not saying a word. So, he took the chance.

“I’m really sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“I’m not mad, Peter, I just want you to be safe.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What even happened, kid? I thought everything was good.”
“I fucked up.”
Hey, hey, hey – language.”
“Sorry.”
“What about Spider-Man gone rogue? Why did you do it?”
“I just can’t not be Spider-Man, Mr. Stark, I don’t know how to.”

Now that they were talking it through, Peter knew that being honest was the good move. Maybe getting things off his chest would be a good thing. Maybe this was a good thing.

“I just can’t not help people; I can’t waste my powers.”
“What do you mean, Pete?”
“I don’t want anything like what happened to Sophie to happen again, you know?”

Honestly, he didn’t intend to laugh – didn’t even think it through. That ironical laugh escaped him, and he didn’t for a second stop to think that Tony didn’t know that he did let someone else die.

“What happened at that hospital?”
“I killed a man.”
“We’ve been through this, kid, it wasn’t your fault.”
“It was, Mr. Stark, I wasn’t fast enough, I – I was weak.”

Tony didn’t say a single word. He stayed still, probably waiting for Peter to continue speaking. Truth be told, Peter was feeling better now that he was talking to Tony, but it wasn’t like it was a walk in the park talking about his darkest secrets.

“I just wanted to be useful?”
“Is that why you’re hurting yourself?”
“Uhm…”
“You know, kid, I found everything.”
“Huh?”
“May’s apartment, your secret tissue stash, those blades on your nightstand.”
“Oh.”
“How long has this been going on?”

It was best not to reply. If he did, things would be much worse, and they were going okay for now. But he was so embarrassed about the mess Tony had to deal with because he wasn’t careful enough to clean up after himself. Peter didn’t know how he could face him again without picturing the disappointment that he now saw.

“I want to help you, Peter. I care about you. But you have to put in the effort – will you put in the effort?”
“Yes.”

Notes:

Hi guys! Finally posting this! I'm really sorry to say that updates will now take a bit longer. I started a new position on Monday and it's been a challenge adapting to it, so it'll take me a bit longer to update the story. I swear I'm not abandoning it! It really is up there in my top 5 priorities atm lmao.

I'm so sorry for any medical inaccuracies, I tried my best to do some research, but I'm no doctor; hopefully it makes sense. This chapter was all angst, so I hope you enjoy it! Really living up to the chapter title :)

I'm gonna re-tag the fic, so please let me know if you have any suggestions. How do you think that you could find this story easily? I feel like the tags are a mess and I want to organize them tbh

I'm always open to polite criticism :D
Leave any kudos and comments if you enjoyed this chapter, it's always very encouraging and I love seeing your thoughts!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, nk_d26

Chapter 37: it only takes a little push to pull on through

Summary:

TW/ depression, eating disorder thoughts

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“do you mean that, Pete?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I really want to put in the effort, I know I have to be better.”
“You gotta understand, kid; we’re both on uncharted territory. You’re gonna have to work with me here, cooperate and be patient, that kinda stuff.”
“I know, Mr. Stark, I’m sorry.”
“So, what really happened on Friday?”
“I was an idiot and I screwed up.”
“Don’t you think we have all screwed up? We have already talked about this, Peter.”
“I know, but –”
“Everyone screws up, Pete, but that doesn’t define who you are.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark.”
“You have to know that I’m here when you need help, right? Anytime, anyplace, you just have to say the word.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

Tony left after they talked it through. He said that Stephen was coming at 10am to see how things were going and check up on him. It was so nerve-wracking, and Peter hated it. He felt ashamed and stressed. Above all, though, Tony had to believe that he was doing okay and that everything was okay; it was a top priority and Peter would to anything to ensure that.

Honestly, Peter couldn’t really tell if he was okay. He didn’t think he was, but there was little he knew for a fact these days. It had been a rough week for Peter. He felt like shit, but his emotions were hit the worst, even knowing that he had an actual broken bone. It was all exhausting, and he fell asleep quicker than ever before.

When he woke up, the strong sunlight hit his face, but it was actually Tony’s voice that woke him up. It wasn’t like Tony was by his side, he was outside the door, but the voice was getting increasingly louder, and Peter was hearing everything.

Now that Stephen was there, Peter was forced to face his worst fears. There was no way Peter would allow a tube to go up his nose ever again. He hated every second of it, and never wanted to go through it again. He would do anything to avoid it.

Truth was, Peter didn’t really know how far he was actually willing to go. For one part, he wanted to be useful for the city, which meant he had to be strong and avoid eating. But Peter knew that he was selfish, and he hated himself for it; he would avoid the tube at all costs, and the city would have to pay the price. His mind was screaming at him to disagree and just avoid eating; run away and never come back. His common sense took over, though.

There was no way of telling how much more Peter could take. It was unclear to him whether it was about food or the lack of it. It was all so very confusing and frustrating, and Peter was getting extremely tired of that being his daily life.

“Everything’s looking good enough here, though I still recommend to keep the IV for the day; give your body more to work with. We won’t be needing the tube for now; try to eat some small meals, nothing too solid.”
“Like what?”
“Some soup, yoghurt, purees, that kind of stuff; it’ll make it easier for your system to adjust to regular food.”

It was all so very embarrassing. How far had he dropped that he was being told to eat baby food? He wanted to dig a hole in the ground, stick his head there, and never have to face anyone ever again. Though, Pepper never once let go of his hand, and she squeezed it when she felt like he was anxious about something Stephen said. He felt safe, and like maybe everything wasn’t as doomed as his mind told him it was.

“Your vitals are on the low range but stable enough to not be a sign of alarm. Your pulse rate is lower than I’d like it to be, but I’m hoping that eating something today will help with that; I’ll come in tomorrow to monitor that.”
“Oh, okay, that sounds okay.”
“Is there anything else we can do?”
“Not particularly, Ms. Potts, this is all on Peter.”
“Huh?”
“You need to gain weight, Peter. To get back to a healthy weight you need to put on at least 30lbs, but I’m sure your activities and metabolism require much more. This is your decision, Peter; it’s your life and your body, you have to be the one to take care of it.”
“Okay, that’s enough.”
“Tony…”
“No, Pepper, he’s freaking him out, don’t you –”

After Peter heard the amount of weight that Stephen wanted him to gain, he disconnected from the conversation. He was petrified; there was absolutely no way he would put on 30lbs, it was just not going to happen. It felt like his lungs and heart were working overtime, even if he wanted to hide it, but maybe the weakness and dizziness were more visible.

To his relief – or most likely disappointment – Peter realized neither Pepper nor Tony was focused on him, instead still talking to Stephen. Every cell in his body was adding on fuel to the self-hatred building up inside of him. He hated himself for wanting attention. Was he doing everything for attention? Maybe he fooled himself into thinking he was doing something for the city while only caring about himself.

“So, Peter, how are you feeling?”
“I feel fine, everything’s good, just like new.”

Peter had become pretty proficient in understanding Tony’s body language and how he reacted to some scenarios. He didn’t have to turn to know he was rolling his eyes. To his surprise, though, Pepper, too, reacted. She simply looked down, almost in grief, and Peter hated himself for making the environment so uncomfortable, but he just didn’t know how to fix it.

“I swear, I’m fine, everything’s good.”
“How do you feel about trying to eat something?”
“Uh…”

Whatever strength he had pulled to try and convince them that he was okay instantly backed away and left him speechless. He didn’t answer Stephen right away. There were so many terrible scenarios in his head, and they brought fears he wasn’t ready to face.

What if he told on himself? What if he gained weight? What if he failed the city? What if they forced him to use the tube again? What if Tony and Pepper hated him? What if this is what his life would look like from now on?

The thought on its own was terrifying but knowing it had been there for so long was exhausting. Peter just wanted a break. Spider-Man couldn’t take any breaks. Peter was Spider-Man, and he needed to be Spider-Man again; there was no way he was going to be lazy and give in.

“I guess I could try?”
“Just take it slow and build up to it. It wouldn’t hurt to head out for a bit, either. Your metabolism works in your favor, and given fuel, your body will appreciate the change of pace; none of us want your muscles atrophied.”

After Stephen headed out, saying he had something to take care of, Peter was left with Pepper and Tony in an uncomfortable silence. Peter had no idea what they were thinking about the whole situation and about what Stephen had just told them. They weren’t saying anything, and it was slightly disappointing.

He was feeling small and worthless; like he wasn’t important enough to anyone. Being in that room with them both was intimidating, and he felt like his whole life was meaningless.

One thing Peter knew for a fact was that they wanted to ask him to eat something, and that terrified him. It wasn’t clear to him if he had the strength to say ‘no’, or to say ‘yes’. If he were a strong enough hero, he would say ‘no’ to food; if he were a strong enough human being, he would say ‘yes’. If he didn’t agree, Pepper and Tony would be immensely disappointed in him, and Peter didn’t have it in him to continue letting people down.

“We had breakfast delivered; I’ll bring it up. How do you feel about a bowl of yoghurt and granola, and maybe a small jar of applesauce?”
“Sure, Ms. Potts, that sounds good.”

It took everything in Peter to try and sound truthful. He just wanted to comply and agree to anything they said, for their sake. It was just so excruciatingly exhausting, and it was taking its toll on him.

Peter ended up having breakfast with them at 10:45am in their private living room. It was surprising to him; Tony was very clear about not having breakfast so late, and this was definitely a shift in that particular aspect.

To his surprise, not particularly sure if good or bad, Peter managed to eat half the yoghurt and all the applesauce. He hated the feeling and hated that he was getting fat. It was almost like he could feel the fat adhering to his hips, and it was such a dreadful feeling.

It was odd, though. He wasn’t necessarily disgusted by it; there would definitely not be any cheering for food on his part, but he wasn’t about to cry, either. The happiness in both Pepper and Tony’s eyes was something Peter wouldn’t exchange for anything. They held so much hope with every bite he took, it was heartwarming.

Tony, specially, was making a huge effort, and Peter knew that. They didn’t rush him at all, and it seemed like they paced their own meal to pair up with him; he felt loved and cared for. It was such a cozy scene, and he appreciated him far beyond any words could explain. The three of them in loungewear, watching a movie, and having breakfast; it felt like home.

____________________

Taking a shower and putting on some real clothes made the difference; apparently, they weren’t wrong when they said a shower changes everything. It was odd, though. Peter felt strangely good; he could actually feel his boy gathering strength, and it was something he hadn’t known for a while.

Now, however good he physically felt didn’t necessarily mean that it was a good thing. Peter wasn’t sure if he liked feeling stronger. That strength meant that he was eating a lot, and that shouldn’t happen.

Truth was, he felt stronger and like he wasn’t about to pass out with the blow of the wind. It was almost like nothing ever happened and like he was just a regular kid from Queens who was lucky enough to cross paths with Tony Stark. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and he had an inner conflict that wouldn’t allow him to decide if he wanted to be stronger.

After he got dressed, Peter met Pepper and Tony again in the living room. It never crossed his mind how he hadn’t left their floor in almost a week, and that was something embarrassing; he felt like a baby who needed babysitting around the clock.

“I’m going to D.C. for the afternoon; someone messed up a contract and I need to take care of it. I’ll be back for dinner, though.”

Pepper leaving was devastating for Peter. She gave him a sense of home, and he craved that feeling. There was some weird maternal side to her that Peter was too ashamed to admit out loud that he depended on. It wasn’t very clear to him how he would continue the day without her by his side, even if Tony was his role model, he could never provide the comfort that Pepper had.

Thankfully, though, there wasn’t an awkward environment when he was alone with Tony. Some hours earlier there was, but not anymore; even if Peter was sad about Pepper leaving, he was grateful that he got to spend time again with Tony. It had been a long time since they actually hung out together.

In any case, he was going to miss her, and Peter didn’t want her to leave. There was safety in being with both of them, and that was something Peter desperately needed. But, once again, he was on the quest to comply and make them believe he was okay, so he simply smiled.

“I’m really sorry, Pete, I wouldn’t go if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.”
“It’s okay, I understand, I’m fine.”

After kissing his forehead, and kissing Tony goodbye, Pepper left, leaving behind an empty feeling. For a split moment Peter felt a warmth that was that of a home, and he would’ve frozen that moment and lived there forever if he could’ve. But that was not a possibility, so he was left alone with Tony. There was a different kind of warmth to him, but it was very different from the one that Pepper had.

It was nice to be with him, though. Silently watching TV, Peter had a minute to appreciate the moment. It felt oddly cozy and domestic; it almost made him forget the reason why he was there at all. Maybe it was for the worse, but Peter chose to believe that Tony wanted to spend time with him and not only because he almost had to drag a corpse out of his Compound.

“Come on, kid, get up; we’re getting out of here.”
“Huh?”
“Trust me, Peter.”

The way Peter thought his day would go was being held up in the top floor and being force-fed. Never once did Peter imagine that Tony wanted to go out, it just didn’t cross his mind. It was intriguing though, and he was curious. The slight chance that Tony would force him to go to a psychologist was terrifying, but, with a simple smile, Peter decided to trust his mentor and agree.

____________________

Peter had no clue where they were going. Tony was driving south, and he was most likely going to New York. The ride was longer than usual, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. There was something weird about it, though, but Peter didn’t know how to describe it.

Getting out of the Compound was a blessing, though. It was nice to be outside without having to worry about passing out and falling off a 30-story building. This was nice.

Without really realizing it, they were there. Tony parked in the parking lot a block away from Brooklyn Bridge Park Pier 6. It was very familiar to him, and Peter knew it was intentional. This was particularly close to the place where Tony took back the suit from him after the ferry accident.

Peter had no clue what they were doing there. Maybe Tony took him there because he wanted to remind him of how much he had fucked up before; maybe he changed his mind and hated him for killing the doctor. It wouldn’t come as a surprise. This was the place where Peter realized he failed, it was almost fitting that he sealed his fate in the same place.

No words were spoken while they walked through the lawn and sat down on a bench. With every step Peter’s stress and anxiety grew, and he was starting to wonder if he would embarrass himself further in front of Tony.

“You know, kid, I was a bit harsh the last time we were here.”
“I had it coming, I deserved it.”
“I’m not saying you didn’t; what I mean, Pete, is that you are good. That time with the ferry; you were going with your instinct and that’s good, but you need to know when to ask for help.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“I’m proud of you, Peter, you’re special and you should never doubt that.”
“I don’t know…”
“Everyone screws up Peter, you know that; it doesn’t mean that they’re not good people. Why should it be any different for you?”
“I – I…”

As hard as he tried, Peter was having a hard time knowing how he wanted to react. A compliment was something Peter wasn’t expecting, and it was foreign to him. He began wondering where it came from; probably pity, and maybe this was Tony’s ways of trying to avoid Peter killing himself so he wouldn’t be bothered with a death. There was no way Tony actually meant it.

“Talk to me, kid, what’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on, Mr. Stark, I swear. It was just a small, one-time thing, I’m okay.”
“Doesn’t really look like it, don’t you think?”
“I know it looks bad, but I’m fine.”
“I get it, Peter, I really do. Don’t you think I, too, had my fair share of downs?”
“Huh?”
“Well, I’m sure you know the stories of the infamous Howard Stark; the reality isn’t much different from the tabloids. My mom… she helped me through it.”
“Oh, I didn’t know.”
“Then came more problems, but also Rhodey and Pepper; things are better.”
“We have talked about this, it’s important that you have someone to help you through.”

It always baffled Peter when Tony told him anything about his time before Iron Man or how he had struggled. They were definitely close, but Peter didn’t think that Tony trusted him enough with that. He felt safe with him, so he smiled, trying to seem empathetic and not like he was losing his mind at how he was messing up Tony's life.

“Do you feel like having lunch, Pete?”

That thing people said about listening to your body was annoying Peter. He definitely recognized that he was hungry – ravenous, even – but he didn’t think he wanted to eat. Peter wasn’t yet clear of what he wanted to do from now on, but he wasn’t really happy with the idea of eating more if he ended up deciding he wouldn’t.

Truth was, though, he was on very thin ice with Tony and Pepper. Whatever wrong move he made would end up with the city suffering for his mistakes. He couldn’t take that chance.

“Uhm, yeah, why not?”
“What do you feel like?”
“Whatever you want is fine.”

After having spent an hour in Brooklyn, they ended up in an Italian restaurant in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Tony mocked his decision, but he ended up having chicken tenders. They were so good, and Peter had a hard time stopping himself from swallowing it whole.

It was so… odd. For some reason, he didn’t hate himself so much for eating the food. That was so unexpected to him. The sensation in his mouth was still disgusting, but he pushed through it. What he was feeling resembled that of being home. After all, he was a child, and he longed for that feeling.

It was pretty futile of Tony to try and hide that he looked at him and his food during the entire meal. Peter realized that, and he noticed his calamari pasta got cold because he was busy making sure Peter ate. The whole thing made Peter feel slightly uncomfortable, but still grateful. After all, this had happened before, and Peter knew in his heart that Tony would’ve rather yelled at him to eat everything as fast as he could.

When Peter was done with his plate, and Tony started eating, the conversation shifted entirely, and it became actually nice, like nothing was wrong. Yet, Peter knew he had to keep it casual if he was to convince Tony everything was okay.

“Mr. Stark? Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, Pete, shoot.”
“Why do you like cars so much? I mean, why do you have so many?”
“Don’t you like cars?”
“I mean, yeah, but…”
“Driving’s fun, kid, there’s not much else to it.”
“It seems like fun.”
“Maybe I can teach you sometime.”

Ever since Peter had come to terms with his life, he made sure never to raise his expectations; it always led to disappointment. But he so desperately wanted to believe that that could happen. It would be an actual dream come true. It almost made him forget how strange the chicken felt in his mouth, and how the smell made him want to gag. Peter was grateful for Tony; he was lucky to have the man in his life.

____________________

If it was up to Peter, he would’ve chosen never to return to the Compound. They had such a nice day, and Peter didn’t want to go back to reality. He almost felt like that time he went with Tony to Coney Island, and he just didn’t want to leave that bubble.

Sadly, the reality was more disappointing than it was when they left the city. Pepper had called and said she had to catch a flight to Vienna for an emergency SI meeting or something; after Peter heard she wasn’t going to be there when he returned, Peter disconnected himself from the conversation. He was so disappointed, but he tried his best to hide it. After all, Peter loved Pepper, and he obviously wanted her there, but he knew there were definitely more important things that she had to do.

When they were actually getting into the garage, Peter realized that it was almost dinner time, and he instantly got stressed. If it had truly been so long, the team hadn’t seen him, and Peter had no idea how to face them, he didn’t want to.

What if they knew what was going on? There was really no subtle way for them to know that, in some way, Peter tried to die. Maybe Tony told them, although it was unlikely. Better be safe than sorry, though.

“Mr. Stark? Does everyone know what happened?”
“No, kid, they don’t. I told them you were feeling a little sick, but everything’s cool; you don’t have to worry about it.”

Every single time Peter was reminded of Tony’s wisdom and intelligence he was always left speechless, and this time was no different. He had thought about it, and it was something Peter didn’t think he would’ve done if the roles were reversed. He was relieved and so incredibly grateful for Tony.

As Peter and Tony entered the main kitchen, anxiety crept up Peter’s back, and he wanted to run in the opposite direction; hopefully make it far away enough that he wouldn’t have to explain himself to anyone. Thankfully, only Sam and Bruce were there; it was probably better if they weren’t all there at once.

“Are you two making dinner or being useful at all? Or just chitchatting?”
“Hey, kid, how you feeling? All better now? I expect to see you tomorrow for that jog. Gotta say, I miss chatting with you.”

“Uhm, thank you, Sam, but I’m not feeling that great yet.”

Honestly, Peter wanted to go jogging with Sam. It was the greatest opportunity to make everyone believe that he was okay and burning some extra calories wouldn’t hurt anyone. Tony thought differently, though. The look he shot Peter’s way made it far too clear that he would actually forbid him from jogging.

It didn’t seem to faze Sam, and some part of Peter was hurt by that. It was like the man didn’t really care if Peter was there or not, and maybe he wasn’t the only one. After that, Sam went to the pantry to find something to make dinner with. Tony tagged along, claiming that, if Sam went on his own, they would end up eating PopTarts for dinner.

“How are you feeling, Peter?”
“Honestly? A bit like crap. I’m really sorry you had to see that, I’m not like that.”
“It’s okay, Peter, everyone goes through hard times from time to time.”
“Yeah…”
“You know, not so long ago I was having a hard time coming to terms with, well, Hulk, and it got really dark. I tried to end my life, Peter, but it does get better, and I’m sure it will for you, too.”
“I didn’t know, Bruce.”
“It’s not necessarily party talk.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re going to be okay, Pete.”

After a pat in the back, Bruce smiled at him and left him alone in the kitchen to join Sam and Tony in the pantry. What Bruce told him left him startled and surprised. It was really difficult for him to understand why he, of all people, would do that. No one deserved to feel like that but himself.

A twisted part of him was grateful, though. There was someone who half understood what he was going through. He hated himself for even thinking about it like that. He hated even more that someone he cared about felt similarly to the hell he experienced every single day.

“Don’t bother cooking, we ordered sushi.”

Everyone else entered the room and Peter suddenly felt smaller than everyone claimed he was. They were all so lively and conversationalist, it made Peter feel irrelevant. Unexpectedly, though, one by one, everyone went to him to ask how he was doing, but one of them stood out.

“So, kid, how are you really doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Doesn’t seem much like a cold.”
“I’m fine, Natasha, I’m okay.”
“I’m glad to see that you didn’t pop a bone out.”
“What?”

She simply left after dropping that bomb at his feet. Had she seen him and Tony didn’t know? There was no way, right? Even if he wasn’t a fan of them knowing about his struggles, Peter was grateful that they cared about him, it made him feel less alone.

The sushi arrived while they were casually chatting. It was actually impressive how Peter didn’t dread every second of it. He loved spending time with them but, after what was going on, he didn’t think he would like to.

The familiarity and comfort of taking the food upstairs and putting on a movie – this time, the godfather – felt like everything would be okay, and Peter wanted to believe that, he really did.

Regardless, even after feeling comfortable with his surroundings, he was really on edge about the food. He still hadn’t figured out how he felt about eating, and now he had to pretend he liked it for the sake of everyone. It made him feel out of control and he hated it.

In any way, there was a false sense of normalcy, and Peter knew he was just fooling himself. They weren’t acting now, always lurking, and saving themselves for the attack; but the dark thoughts were there, and Peter didn’t know how much longer he could keep them at bay. Maybe, though, if he fooled everyone else, and then himself, maybe one day it would be true.

Notes:

Hi guys! I hope you like this chapter. I'm always open to polite criticism :)

Leave any kudos or comments if you enjoyed it! I love reading your thoughts and it's always very encouraging.
If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know ;)

I hope everyone has a great rest of the week!

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 38: with so much left to do

Summary:

TW/ panic attacks, suicidal thoughts

PLEASE check your mental health before reading. It's getting very dark and the next chapters will also be very heavy and emotional; please make sure you're in a good place before reading.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

With how his mornings had been starting, this was a very welcome change of pace. It wasn’t dreadful and it didn’t feel like death; it was oddly good. It had been a long time since Peter felt somewhat okay, and this morning, when he woke up, it happened. He felt strong, and he knew his body was finally stabilizing. He was happy somehow.

The memory of Sophie and the doctor he killed wasn’t there; unconsciously, he was blocking it out. It wasn’t like he was intending for that to happen, but it just wasn’t on his mind. Actually, nothing was really on his mind; it was finally quiet, and it was peaceful.

Maybe Tony wasn’t wrong. Maybe he wasn’t such a terrible person. After all, if even the mightiest heroes on earth screwed up, why would it be any different for him? Maybe he could forgive himself. It seemed like a far fetch, but Peter so desperately wanted it to be the case.

What was he even thinking? Shaking his head, and, with it, the thoughts in his head, Peter added fuel to his self-hatred fire. He had absolutely no right to think like that; he was at fault for their deaths, and it was something he would carry with him forever. Truth of the matter was that he had to atone for his mistakes.

Regardless, every single second that he didn’t feel like crap was one that Peter wanted to savor. There was no telling what would happen next, and that brought on an unbelievable amount of anxiety. The previous night ran surprisingly smoothly. It was like nothing had happened at all, like it was just a regular Wednesday. Tony was acting like nothing had happened at all. Peter went to bed like any other night. It felt normal. But it wasn’t.

Seeing Tony act like nothing was going on made Peter wonder what would happen next with that. Maybe he would brush the whole thing off, though that was unlikely. They hadn’t really talked about it, and Peter didn’t know if he was ready to have the conversation.

The last time Tony found out about him, they had a heart-felt conversation, and he brushed it off. It would probably not be that easy this time, though. Peter knew this was much worse, but he wasn’t ready to actually discuss it.

He knew all too well what was going on in his head, and he knew how he was feeling. What limited him, though, was that he knew that knowing about the dark thoughts in his head would hurt Tony, and Peter was done damaging his life.

Another thing that was frighteningly uncertain was what would happen with food. The night before, Peter ate sushi like there wasn’t a very loud demon in his head screaming at him to stop. It was like he was just a normal teen, enjoying a delicious dish.

But the truth was much harsher. He got carried away and ate way more than he would’ve liked to. It was disgusting, and he could feel how bloated he was getting, it made nausea crawl up his throat.

There was no other way, though. Peter could feel everyone’s eyes on him, and he knew he had to avoid arising suspicion. Maybe Tony and Bruce were the only ones who knew what actually happened, but everyone else thought he was sick; it wasn’t a surprise that everyone was watching him.

That could never happen again. It wasn’t like him to lose control like that, and he hated himself for it. It seemed like it worked, though. Peter knew that Bruce, Natasha, and Tony would watch over him like hawks, so he had to find some sort of balance.

Peter was out of control, and he was frustrated. Everything he ever did since he began watching his food was carefully calculated, and the past few weeks weren’t the exception. But now he didn’t even know where to begin picking up the pieces.

Hopefully, soon, he could skip meals again. Spider-Man was probably gone, but Peter was desperate enough to cling to the chance that maybe he could come back again. If that rare scenario happened, Peter had to be ready for it.

Unfortunately for him, odds weren’t really on his favor. It had been way too long since he last heard any updates on what was going on with the Accords, but it was most likely that that wouldn’t be sorted out for a while. More importantly, though, he had fucked up big time, and Tony would definitely limit him more than the Accords ever could. After all, the suit belonged to Tony, and, like it or not, Peter depended on him.

Peter had to be better, that was not up for question. Yes, one of his main reasons was the chance that he could be Spider-Man again, but up there was May, too. Sometimes Peter forgot how much she had given up for him, and how much effort she put in to raise him. If she came back and he hadn’t done anything with his life Peter wouldn’t know how to live with himself.

Pulling him out of his thoughts was the reminder that he was actually alive and that he had to start pretending that he was okay if he was ever to go back to where he needed to be. In order to keep up that façade, Peter got in the shower at 8am. The thought of having breakfast was disgusting, but he couldn’t let anyone know that he didn’t want to eat; he was supposed to be okay.

Now that he was in the kitchen, though, Peter wanted to make a run for it. The thought of food in his mouth was disgusting, and he really tried his best to casually leave the room without letting his growing anxiety show. Tony had other plans.

“Good morning, kid.”
“Uh, hi, Mr. Stark.”
“Sleep good?”
“Yeah, sure, everything good. You?”
“Just like a baby.”

FRIDAY must’ve told Tony that he was downstairs. He wasn’t the kind of man that actively watched out for anyone; FRIDAY was the only explanation. Most times Peter was in awe at the technology that Tony developed and how utterly amazing it was. This time, though, it couldn’t be more inconvenient. Peter hoped that he could have space to spiral into his self-hatred when he was alone. But, with FRIDAY, there was little he could do and no place he could find where he could freak out.

That meant that he had to act like everything was okay, even if it definitely wasn’t. He had come too far, and Peter couldn’t just give up everything he had worked so hard for. If it took eating a couple “healthy” meals to convince Tony, then so be it. That was the logical thought, but Peter had a feeling that his instinct was in charge, rationality be damned.

With that in mind, Peter took out a small bowl and took out greek yoghurt, followed by berries. In any other situation Peter would’ve avoided fruit like the plague, but it was the logical choice. Tony would probably pick up on his lies if he ate pancakes and bacon; he had to make choices that seemed like he was actually trying.

“Is that everything you’re going to eat?”
“Uhm, yeah, I think so, I’m not that hungry.”

Maybe he should eat more. After all, he was malnourished, and his body knew far too well that he needed more. The thing is, he just didn’t feel hungry. It had been so long since he felt hungry. At least that’s what he thought. Peter knew deep inside him that he was actually starving, but saying he wasn’t hungry became his default answer.

The city was always on his mind, and he was trying to be better so that he could be of use to it. Peter just didn’t fathom the thought of gaining weight, especially the amount that Stephen said he had to put on. It was way too much, and it was impossible. Still, much to his dismay, he knew he had to act like it was okay. Every single time he reminded himself of that fact took him one step further into his own personal hell.

“Cmon, Pete, you gotta eat more.”
“Yeah, I – I know.”
“So, what do you feel like?”
“How about scrambled eggs? I can cook some for us.”

Tony didn’t reply, he just had a proud smile on his face, and it was impossible for Peter to regret saying he would eat more. Finally, it seemed like he was doing right by Tony, even if the action itself hurt him more than he would ever allow himself to let Tony know.

It was most definitely the worst time to bring it up. Peter knew it couldn’t be any less appropriate. But, he just needed to ask about Spider-Man. Tony hadn’t flat out said that he couldn’t be Spider-Man anymore; maybe there was a slight chance.

There wasn’t a handbook about how to handle the situation, so, Peter had no idea how to actually ask Tony. There were very few ways in which he could do it without starting a huge fight, and he knew his window was very small. Tony seemed happy that he was eating scrambled eggs; he was in a good enough mood.

Truth was, Peter was afraid of the answer. Chances were he was going to say that he was done being Spider-Man, and that was a very daunting thought. The chance that he would say he could, eventually, go back out as Spider-Man was ver slim, but still terrifying. Peter didn’t really know what would happen if he went out again, and maybe he wasn’t ready; it was probably too soon.

“What’s going to happen to me?”
“What?”
“To Spider-Man.”
“I gotta go, kid; there’s something I have to figure out with the Accords. We’ll talk later.”
“But –”

It was an unsurprising response, however disappointing. Peter didn’t know if it was better that way. Maybe they avoided a fight, but maybe they could’ve had a normal conversation. In any case, Tony left without a word as soon as Peter stopped eating, almost like making sure he would actually finish his meal.

Even if he felt diminished to nothing but a toddler, Peter couldn’t help but feel a deep disgust towards himself. He hated how food felt in his mouth, even if he denied himself how much he liked to actually eat. Most of all, Peter hated how useless he was. Without being Spider-Man, there was nothing to Peter. He wasn’t helping anyone, and he was just a burden to everyone around him.

It was all just so frustrating. There was no way he could purge now. Tony would definitely know, and that was completely out of the question. Regardless, he still wanted to get everything out. It was daunting to know that the minutes were passing by and the clock was ticking for the food to actually be digested to the point where there was nothing he could do about it.

He deserved to be punished. So many people were suffering because of what he did – and also because of what he doesn’t do – and there was no way he should be allowed to go on with his life like he wasn’t harming anyone; it was him who should be harmed.

The thoughts were very dark, and Peter was well aware of that. Truth was, there was nothing he could do about it. Tony gave him everything he could ever want, but he didn’t deserve it at all; he was in a golden prison of his own mind.

His instinct took over him and Peter started scratching his body. It was truly not a conscious choice – not that he was complaining – and he definitely knew he shouldn’t do that out in public. But it seemed like his body agreed with him; he deserved to hurt.

It was… odd. His body was his, but it wasn’t, it didn’t feel like it was. Death came closer and closer, and Peter felt it creeping up behind him, not yet sure if he wanted to welcome it with arms open wide or if he should run the other way. All over again Peter was haunted by the feeling that he could actually die right then and there. Nothing was registering in his brain; it was him against pain, and Peter didn’t really know if he wanted to win.

The way panic was taking over Peter was familiar, and he hated himself for it. In a very morbid way, Peter was proud of himself. That meant he was in pain, and he deserved that pain. Regardless, it would never not be scary how he felt like his life wasn’t his.

Too deep into his own despair, Peter didn’t really know what was going on around him. The only thing in his mind was pain and how he deserved it; there was no way he could’ve heard Bruce entering the kitchen.

“Hey, hey, hey, come here, stop that.”

With a gentleness that Peter never once imagined Bruce to have, the man calmly took his hands and firmly held them until Peter stopped hysterically crying. It was mortifying in its rawest form, and Peter just didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. He had lost all his battles, and he was left defeated, trying to convince everyone that he still had strength to try and win the war.

“What’s going on, Peter? Do you want to talk about it?”

Bruce was so understanding, and Peter was so grateful that he wasn’t yelling at him, it was almost like he wasn’t judging him at all, and Peter appreciated it. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to talk about it, but it didn’t matter, really. If he talked to Bruce, maybe he would tell Tony and maybe Tony would believe that he looked for help. Maybe then he would be one step closer to letting him be Spider-Man again.

“I just don’t want Spider-Man to be gone.”
“Oh, Peter, I don’t think that Spider-Man is gone. This is just a small break, don’t you think?”
“I don’t want a break – I don’t need a break.”
“Everyone needs to take a break, Peter, and it’s not a bad thing; it’s actually healthy.”
“I need to be helpful, Dr. Banner, I can’t just not be.”
“You’re already plenty helpful, Pete, you’ve made Queens safer, even if you don’t realize that yet.”

Peter tried his best to keep his scoff as discrete as possible. After all, Bruce was wrong, but he didn’t want to let it be known that he thought that such a genius could ever be wrong. There were many things Peter had to say about it, but he really fought as hard as he could to keep his thoughts to himself.

His days were now spent tiptoeing around everyone, and it was just exhausting. But it was necessary if he wanted to be useful. If he didn’t make them believe he was okay, they would definitely blare an alarm and he would be more of a burden than he already was; that was something Peter wouldn’t allow himself to screw up.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m fine.”
“I’m not great at this stuff, but just know that it’s okay not to be fine sometimes. I know that, with time, you’ll be fine; I hope you do, too.”

____________________

Talking to Bruce was surprisingly cathartic, and it really helped Peter ease his mind, even if it was just for a couple of minutes. Now a different kind of anxiety invaded him, and Peter started to wonder if Bruce would tell Tony about what happened. Peter gathered that it was useless to ask him not to talk to him, but he hoped that Bruce knew that he wanted to keep it a secret.

After such a hectic morning, Peter decided he needed a break. A break from everything and everyone, even a break from life, but that was something he couldn’t tell anyone about. So, he went to a place where he knew he could clear his mind.

Walking around the lake grew to be Peter’s safe activity; it was quiet, and he didn’t have to pretend anything at all. The only thing that concerned him about it was that maybe FRIDAY would tell on him. He wasn’t technically working out, but Peter didn’t really know what new programming settings Tony had installed just to keep an eye on him.

God, Peter hoped walking didn’t figure in that list of forbidden things to do. Being locked up in his room was one of Peter’s greatest fears about this whole thing, and it seemed like it was getting closer and closer. He just wanted to scream and let it all out; that would definitely help, or so he had read in some psych books he used for a paper.

Truth be told, even if he wanted to scream, he knew he couldn’t. There was no way his weaknesses could come to light; not even for a second. The only thing left to do was to keep it all in and hope it wouldn’t make him explode.

Panic started to invade him again, and he was having a really hard time collecting his thoughts. Maybe he should ask for help, but that would imply that he accepted defeat, and Peter was set on fooling himself into thinking he wasn’t done yet.

Before he could even start to hyperventilate and scratch his body, Peter heard someone coming. It was so dreadful, because it meant he had eaten much more than he should and that his enhancements were restarting. Peter was just done with it, really.

His now biggest dream was to not feel anything at all; hopefully numb it all out. It seemed like the only way he could survive, otherwise there would be a spectacle in front of everyone at the Compound that starred him losing his mind to madness. So, he had to pretend he was fine, even if he was exhausted from it.

“Hey, kid, how’s it going?”
“Oh, hi, Natasha.”
“What’s going on?”
“Everything’s okay, I think I caught a bug or something and felt off for a few days, but I’m fine now.”
“You can’t fool me, Peter, don’t forget who first figured out about your alternate persona.”

Peter really didn’t want to be rude to her. She had always been firm to him, but never had she been rude, and Peter didn’t want to say anything to her that could hurt her. He had to lie, though. She was very smart and intuitive, and it was definitely a bust, but it was better to try, wasn’t it?

She was not wrong, but Peter wouldn’t dare admit it. It seemed like she definitely knew what was going on, but kept asking him, and, to Peter, it sounded like was just poking fun at him for it. He didn’t have the energy to deal with it anymore.

“Why do you care? It’s not like I’m anything important, I don’t mean anything to you.”
“Peter, I –”

He ran, and he ran as fast as he could. It was so pathetic; the only thing he knew how to do was evade his problems. He was weak, and Peter knew deep inside him that he didn’t deserve to be alive if he couldn’t even hold a conversation. Everything was spinning and everything was just wrong.

____________________

“FRIDAY, please lock the door.”
“I’m sorry, Peter, Boss forbade this action.”

Not surprising, but incredibly frustrating. He wasn’t a child, but it was starting to feel like everyone knew something he didn’t. Maybe he was a child, and maybe he couldn’t be trusted. Regardless, ever once did Peter think Tony would actually do something like that.

It took everything in him to not scream. He fucked up and he was rude to Natasha, doing the exact same thing he told himself he wouldn’t do. She was definitely on his way to tell Tony; he would definitely hate him. His world was collapsing and there was nothing he could do about it but watch and grieve.

There was nothing else to do but leave. He was a problem Tony had to deal with, and he deserved much better than Peter. He was a problem, and he didn’t deserve any kindness from anyone; didn’t deserve to be there – hell, he didn’t deserve to be anywhere. There was no place for him in the world.

Music was an escape, or so people said. Showers were supposed to make things better, or so people said. So, Peter decided to give it a shot to silence the voices in his head. He got in the shower and blared the music so loud that he couldn’t hear anything, and he hoped – prayed – no one could hear him.

It was more of an instinct than a decision, really. The screams were coming out of his mouth like vomit, and it felt like, with every scream, a breath of air came to him. The tears were flowing through his cheeks, and he didn’t really want them to stop, even if the snot was making him choke.

Not unlike the week before, that animal instinct took place, and Peter started scratching his skin like his life depended on it, but it just wasn’t enough. He could feel every bit of sushi and yoghurt adhered to his body, and even if he pulled, it just wouldn’t go away.

There was nothing he wanted more than to purge. He needed to feel like he was actually doing something right, but he couldn’t even do that. If he even tried, FRIDAY would certainly tell Tony, and things would go downhill faster than he could ever imagine.

Peter started wondering if he could drown in the shower. It wasn’t technically impossible, but he didn’t really want to find out. Drowning seemed like a terrible way to die, and it just seemed like too much work. That didn’t mean that he had never thought about dying, though.

The tears continued flowing, but they were more now silent sniffles. It had been long enough, and he should probably get out of the shower. He couldn’t risk doing anything suspicious; even the tiniest mistake would lead to pain, not only on his side, but also on Tony’s. It wasn’t worth it.

“Peter, it’s past midday; Mr. Stark is waiting for you in the main kitchen for lunch.”

Now, the smart thing to do would’ve been to immediately get up and go downstairs, plaster a smile on his face, and try not to gag at the food. But Peter was all out of sanity, so he just ignored her, put on his pajamas and got in bed. Unsurprisingly, Tony came in two minutes later.

“What’s going on, huh? Come on, kid, it’s lunchtime.”
“I don’t feel like eating.”
“You’re going to eat something, Peter. I’ve been very patient, but I’m not having it anymore. You’re killing yourself, kid, and that won’t happen on my watch.”
“But, Mr. Stark –”
“Get off your ass and let’s go have lunch. You need to eat.”

It took everything in Peter to contain everything he wanted to spit out at Tony. He was having a really hard time as it was, and he didn’t really have the energy to deal with it anymore. What hurt most, though, was the fact that Tony confirmed what Peter feared most; he was being a burden, and there was no way he could deny it anymore.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark. What I mean is I just don’t feel like eating with any of them?”
“Did something happen?”
“No; I just think it’s easier, uhm, without a crowd. Can I just eat in the kitchen downstairs? Please?”
“I’ll bring the food; see you downstairs in 10 minutes.”

The second Tony left was the second Peter jumped out of bed and started making preparations. It was no pretty clear to him that he couldn’t hold on much longer; he had to get out, for everyone’s sake. He couldn’t stand it anymore, and Peter decidedly couldn’t drag anyone further down with him.

With that in mind, he took his backpack and shoved a couple of shirts, another pair of jeans, and two pairs of underwear. Additionally, he took the cash he had been stashing in the back of the closet and shoved it in the backpack as well. God, was he glad he thought of it in the first place. Peter didn’t think it would ever come to this, but it was better for everyone. Last but not least, he put his old phone and webshooters in the backpack; he was now ready.

____________________

Peter hated himself for being ungrateful, he really did. Not only did Tony agree to take him in while May wasn’t in the country, but he also made sure that he had everything he could ever need. Tony didn’t serve this, but he couldn’t stand it anymore.

Still, he had to pretend for lunch; maybe he could manage to keep up his façade for another hour. Even with his plan, Peter still had to know what would happen with Spider-Man. Maybe Tony had an answer for him now, and maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought. Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have to leave.

As soon as he entered the kitchen, the strong smell of steak invaded Peter’s nostrils and he visibly gagged. Tony rolling his eyes in annoyance didn’t go unnoticed, but Peter was much too preoccupied with the mashed potatoes and steamed veggies that accompanied the unnecessarily large steak.

Neither Tony nor Peter said a single word while eating. Mostly, Peter played with his food. It wasn’t necessarily that he wanted to fool Tony; every time that he looked his way, Peter put a bite in his mouth. It was now cold, but he decided that it was better than to complain and cause more problems.

Everything he did was wrong, and he hated himself for making things awkward. Tony was an outgoing man and seeing how he was uncomfortable and annoyed made Peter’s self-hatred grow; he had to disappear.

“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Mr. Stark, I just really want to know what will happen with Spider-Man, you know? I just can’t –”
“Peter…”
“I can be better; I’m stronger now. I can be better and be a good enough Spider-Man, I swear, Mr. Stark, I can –”
“Cut the bullshit, Peter, that’s enough.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Spider-Man is a no go for the foreseeable future. That thing you pulled won’t be so easily forgotten or fixed; you’re smart and you know how these things go.”
“Yes, but –”
“But nothing, Pete; I know you know better.”
“Can we at least talk about it?”
“I’m doing this for your own good, Pete. Please try to understand that.”

Truth was, he knew that was the answer to his question, however much it pained him. But he also didn’t really know how badly he fucked up. Peter had absolutely no idea what was going on after what he did and how that affected Tony. Never once did Peter stop and think about how Tony was the one who had to deal with the mess he made. It was despicable of Peter to be so inconsiderate, and he hated himself for it.

“Let me handle this, Peter, we can revisit this afterwards.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I’m sorry.”
“Eat up, kid, it’s probably cold now.”

What if the time never came? What if Spider-Man was truly done for good? Maybe that wasn’t such a terrible thing, he would finally stop hurting people. Peter hated himself and he wanted to continue arguing with him, was his idol, and he didn’t want to make it worse for Tony. Peter didn’t want to waste the moments that he spent with him; it would probably be the last.

Notes:

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! We're getting very close to the main event ;)

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!
Love, nk_d26

Chapter 39: you'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It was now evident that Peter became a priority in Tony’s life. No one doubted that the man would take a bullet for Peter and that he’d do anything to make him happy. Even if school still was a couple of months away, Tony wanted to be prepared and have everything sorted out for when the time came for Peter to go back to school.

He hadn’t told anyone yet – only Happy and Pepper – but he was planning on buying the Tower back. The Compound was as far away from Peter’s school as it gets, and it would be a nightmare for all parties involved to drop him off and pick him up. It was simply easier for them to move back to the Tower for the time being. That’s what the meeting in New York was about.

Truth be told, and in a more selfish note, Tony wanted to be a bigger part of Peter’s life. He knew for a fact that May would eventually come back, so he wanted to make the most of the time he spent with Peter. They were even closer now than they were before, and Tony knew he could do more to make him happy.

There was something… off. Something wasn’t right, and Tony was losing his mind not knowing what it was; it was definitely about Peter, though. He could’ve sworn that Ned had already left for Dominican Republic; it made no sense to him how Peter told him he was spending the afternoon with him. Maybe the flight got delayed? It seemed unlikely, but there was just no way to know.

Tony really wanted to trust Peter and he wanted to believe that he was okay, but it was getting clearer and clearer that something was wrong. But he had no idea how to even begin to approach the situation. Maybe it was just his imagination, and everything was okay. One can never be too safe, though. Howard really wasn’t the best at dealing with difficult situations, and Tony had no idea how to break the cycle. Hopefully he’d get the hang of it soon, for Peter’s sake.

After the productive meeting, Tony ended up having lunch with Happy in a nearby burger joint. He was really looking forward to having lunch with Peter, but they had already agreed that they’d meet up later; Happy wasn’t a terrible company, either.

“How did the meeting go?”
“Everything’s on track. We’ll have everything finalized by the end of the month, I hope; I’d really like the move to happen before Peter’s birthday.”
“Have you told him yet?”
“No, I’m gonna wait until everything’s ready; don’t wanna jinx it.”

As they were finishing their meal, Tony got the notification that Peter had left the city. The thought that he was running away was nerve-wracking and stress immediately invaded him. He probably wasn’t running off again, Peter knew better than that. With Peter, Tony had learned that it was better not to assume and decided to call him and get things straight.

“Why the hell aren’t you in the city, kid? What’s going on?”
“Oh, hey, Mr. Stark, I just have some things to do.”
“A heads up would’ve been nice, don’t you think?”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.”

There was something sketchy about his answer, and that terrible gut feeling was just growing stronger. Though, Tony couldn’t think of anything that could actually be wrong. After all, Tony was sure that Peter was smart, and he was really counting on his survival instincts if he needed help. There was just no way for Tony to be by Peter’s side 24/7 making sure he was fine, regardless of how much he wanted to. Trust was the only way left.

Tony decided to spend the rest of his afternoon in New York working on the deal for the Tower. It was something he wanted to keep private for now, and privacy was definitely on short supply at the Compound. On the other hand, though, and probably more importantly, Tony was trying to find a way for him to talk to the team about Spider-Man becoming an official Avenger.

Not for a second did Tony intend for Peter to stop being Spider-Man. He knew that it was part of who he was, and that he would be foolish to try and keep him away from it. The Accords were on track, and everything seemed stable; maybe it was time to start talking about it again. Now, though, it wasn’t something he could decide by himself. Tony knew it had to be a team decision, and he had to be smart about it, for Peter.

____________________

There was no sign of Peter when he arrived, and it was just slightly concerning. It was more surprising than concerning, but Tony didn’t really know which instinct to trust. He hoped that Peter was telling the truth, and maybe he was actually doing what he said he was going to do.

It was just disappointing, really. Tony wanted to talk to Peter about his day and just chat about everything and anything, he loved those moments. He also wanted to make sure that everything was okay with Peter and the team. They hadn’t really talked about it much, and Tony thought it was important for him to know if there was anything making him uncomfortable; the last thing they needed was something like what happened with Wanda to happen again.

“FRIDAY, do me a solid and tell Peter that dinner will be ready at 7pm.”
“Mr. Parker is asleep, boss; should I wake him up?”
“That’s okay; he’ll eat later.”

It didn’t mean anything, so Tony didn’t think much of it. Peter was probably tired from the day before; it wouldn’t be a surprise. Besides, he was going to make sure that Peter ate something, but he didn’t feel like arguing with him for waking him up to eat. God knows how many times he had had dinner well after a decent hour.

Instead of going downstairs and having a normal meal at a normal hour like a normal person, Tony decided to eat by himself in his floor at 9pm. It was pretty uneventful, really, and Tony didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, but, boy, was he wrong.
‘Is the Spider-Man now the criminal?’
‘Spider-Man gone bad.’
‘Is the city safer without Spider-Man?’

What the hell was even going on? It seemed like he was now in an alternate dimension where nothing made sense. It was a scary sight; Tony was going batshit crazy, even if he tried to calm himself down. He was so ridiculously mad at Peter for being so irresponsible, but he was pissed at himself for not noticing and choosing to trust a child.

How couldn’t Peter think about what this would mean for Spider-Man? There was just no way he hadn’t thought about this. Would Ross be looking for him now? Would they see him as a villain instead of the hero he was? Would he be able to intervene as Iron Man on Peter’s behalf? Would this lead to Peter’s identity being uncovered?

Most importantly, though, Tony couldn’t not think about what this meant for Peter. He ran away, again, after specifically telling him not to. He did the exact opposite of what Tony asked him to.

Tony had known Peter long enough to know that something like what happened to Sophie happened again the night before. It terrified him that something was seriously wrong, but that didn’t take away the rage he was feeling. After making sure that he wouldn’t implode, Tony decided he had to confront Peter before anyone else got the chance; everyone must’ve seen the news, probably.

Time stood still, and it seemed like life escaped him and like the world crumbled around him. There was nothing in the world that could’ve prepared him for what he walked into. He was in shock, and Tony didn’t know how to react. His brain yelled at him to scream for help, but he just couldn’t move; almost like his entire body was in denial.

How could someone so perfect do this to himself? Peter was such a bright kid, and Tony knew how great he was; it baffled him to know that, apparently, that was something that Peter didn’t realize. It broke his heart, and he wanted to cry but his body just wasn’t listening to him.

What brought him back to reality was Peter’s body falling face forward to the floor. Thankfully, Tony’s body reacted and caught him before he could actually hit the floor, and now his instinct took over.

“Somebody help! I need help here!”
“What’s going on he– what the hell happened, Tony?”
“G-get Happy, the helicopter, we’re going to the hospital.”
“Okay, Tony, hang in there.”

Tony was far too focused on making sure that Peter didn’t stop breathing that he hardly registered that Bruce actually left the room. In the farthest part of his mind Ton knew what he had to do; it was crystal clear, really. But this was Peter, and any rational thought left him when he saw his kid cutting open his veins.

“Should I call Dr. Cho, Boss?”
“No, ring up Strange.”
“Right away.”

There were very little words that could be used to describe how Tony was feeling, but it was certainly odd. Sanity was in short supply, but it made its appearance for brief moments in-between the madness. Tony wasn’t a fan of Stephen Strange; he was self-absorbed, and Tony didn’t really trust him. He was Peter’s best option, though, and he would do anything for Peter. Helen was an incredible doctor, but her field was research, and Peter would receive better treatment at an actual hospital. As much as he hated it, Tony had to admit that he couldn’t shield Peter from everything.

“Dr. Stephen Strange.”
“I’m bringing an enhanced to your hospital; meet me there.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I – I; just go.”
“I’m on my way.”

Tony knew that he had to play nice, especially in times like these. But he just didn’t have it in him, despair was taking ahold of him, and he couldn’t really measure how harsh his words sounded. For a moment it seemed like Stephen would hang up on him, but it seemed like Tony’s voice breaking made him understand the gravity of the situation, however embarrassing Tony found the whole deal.

____________________

The ride to the hospital was excruciatingly long. It seemed like, if Tony turned his eyes, Peter would die; it felt like an eternity, and it only got more painful with each passing minute.

“FRIDAY, fill me in, what’s going on?”
“Peter’s left arm is broken; it extends up to his collarbone. He has a mild concussion and I detect lacerations in his inner forearm. It seems like Peter is severely malnourished and is mildly hypothermic; more tests required.”
“Fuck.”

It was just so much he didn’t notice. How couldn’t he have noticed that Peter was dying in front of him? He was doing a terrible job at taking care of Peter and this was his fault. He felt a tear running down his cheek, and he was having an increasingly hard time keeping himself from crying like a child.

Bruce squeezed his shoulder in reassurance, and Tony knew right then and there that he could trust Bruce with this. Among a billion other things, Tony’s mind also ran through possible coverups for the rest of the team; he was thankful that Bruce wouldn’t have to be one of them.

As soon as they landed, Tony could already see Stephen and a team of doctors waiting for them in the helipad. He was so grateful that he didn’t ask any questions; he hadn’t yet met Peter, and Tony didn’t know if he would ask questions, he didn’t think he could answer.
They were all talking about Peter as they were heading downstairs, but Tony just couldn’t focus at all. When they got to their destination, they rushed Peter away from Tony and he felt a terror he had never felt, not even when he was kidnapped in Afghanistan; this could be the last time he got to see Peter, and it made Tony’s breath hitch.

It was a widely known fact that family members should let doctors do their thing, and Tony used to understand it. Not now, though. All that mattered was Peter, and he needed to know that he was okay, he had to tell Stephen to take care of him in the one way he probably couldn’t.

“Strange, I need to talk to you.”
“If you don’t mind, Stark, I’m otherwise preoccupied saving your child’s life.”
“He’s enhanced, Strange; it has to be handled with the upmost discretion.”
“He’s in good hands, Tony, we’ll do everything we can for him.”

Doctors always said that, and Tony knew that; they were clearly instructed never to make promises to a patient’s family. To Tony, though, it sounded like he was trying to soften the blow of Peter’s inevitable death.

There wasn’t anything else he could possibly do, and it was frustrating, so, he sat down next to Bruce and let out a defeated sigh. It was unbelievable how he managed to hold back how exhausted he was, but it was now sinking in, and Tony feared he would fall asleep any second. It was just unfathomable, what Peter did; most importantly, what Tony didn’t do to prevent it.

“How didn’t I notice? It was right there in front of me, and I didn’t notice.”
“Tony…”
“Howard was a crappy dad, and I really believed for a second I could be better. Turns out I actually might be responsible for the kid’s death. What a turn of events, huh? Howard’s probably laughing from the great beyond.”
“Tony…”
“What am I even supposed to do now? I evidently can’t take care of him, he’s not safe with me, this wouldn’t have happened if I had just … looked
Tony, stop.
What?
“You’re wrong, Tony. You’re doing everything you can, and Peter will be okay. Just have a little faith, I’m sure things will work out.”
“You don’t know that.”
“But I do.”
“Whatever.”
“Are you going to call his aunt?”

That was something Tony was actively avoiding even thinking about. For one, logic said he had to call her. After all, she was his aunt, and deserved to know that Peter was on the verge of death. On the other hand, though, he didn’t want to alarm her if he didn’t have any concrete answers. May didn’t know Peter was Spider-Man, he probably wouldn’t appreciate him telling her; yet, he was the adult. Tony simply had no idea what to do.

“Honestly, Bruce, I have no idea.”
“I already called Pepper; she’ll be here in an hour.”

Words couldn’t describe how grateful he was for Bruce and how he was helping him keep his sanity through this. Instead, and to Bruce’s surprise, Tony hugged him, and he desperately hoped it got across how thankful he was for his help.

Exactly 71 minutes went by since Bruce and Tony spoke to each other. There was this unspoken agreement that, in silence, there was safety and Peter would be alright. After those 71 minutes, Tony’s lifeline entered his eyesight, and he felt like he could breathe again.

Bruce stood up first and hugged her; Tony was a wreck, and he was having a really hard time acting like his usual self. It just seemed like his whole existence was in denial, and his legs just didn’t want to work with him.

“I’m gonna head back to the Compound; someone has to make sure no one asks any questions.”
“Thank you, Bruce, it’s really kind of you.”
“Don’t worry about it, Pepper, I’m sure everything will be okay. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

When Bruce left, and Tony was brought back to reality, his legs finally listened to him, and he immediately stood up and hugged her as tight as he could. Most times, when Tony hugged someone, it was brief, and it was very rare. This time, though, he didn’t let go of her; it felt like, if he did, he would crumble. She was the one who pulled away, and Tony was now out of options of how to avoid talking about it.

“Oh, Tony, what happened?”
“He was – he was cutting himself, Pep. I don’t know how I let this happen; he was a broken bone. Ironically, he’s on his bones. Honey, I don’t know what happened, he was eating just fine. I messed up.”

Pepper’s touch was comforting, and it almost made him forget how much of a mess he was with tears down his cheeks. She cupped his face and looked at him with a tenderness that made Tony believe everything would be okay.

“Listen to me, Tony: this was not your fault. We’re here to help him, and he’s going to be okay. You know this, Tony, you have to be okay to help Peter be okay.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.”
“What’s going on?”
“Still waiting on updates; probably operating on his arm. I have no idea, Strange hasn’t told me anything.”
“What do you want to do, Tony?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you want to keep him in the Compound or …”
“Or… what?”
“Have you thought about getting him professional help? You’re a good man, Tony, but you can’t do everything for him.”
“I really don’t know, Pep, haven’t thought about it.”
“We need to decide soon, Tony.”
“We can go over it later, right? Gotta make sure his body holds him up. I have to be honest, Pepper, I really think he’ll recover faster with us at the Compound. We have everything he could ever need, and I’m sure he’ll be far more comfortable.”
“We need Dr. Strange’s approval, we can discuss it with him when he comes out, okay?”

The next couple of hours were spent in silence, holding each other’s hands, and in fear of anything going wrong. Tony couldn’t stop thinking about what Pepper said, though. What if he wasn’t enough to help Peter? What if he would be better off in a specialized facility? It was something Tony didn’t for a second want to imagine. He never once imagined Peter to be in a situation like this, and it was heartbreaking.

It was now 3:56am and, just as Tony was dozing off, Strange came out in his scrubs. He didn’t say anything at first, only led them through a door and stopped in front of a room, probably Peter’s. He looked tired and disappointed, and it was terrifying. What if Peter died and he didn’t know how to tell them? His mind was running wild; only Pepper squeezing his hand grounded him back.

“What happened? How’s Peter?”
“Peter’s stable for now. We were very lucky that this happened when it did. I have to be honest; I don’t know how much longer Peter’s body would’ve held on for, but it wouldn’t have been long. We managed to repair his bone, but it still needs healing; we’ll see how his enhancements respond.”
“That’s good, right?”
“His vitals are fine for now, monitoring around the clock. There were large lacerations in his inner forearm; they’ll heal with time.”
“What happens now, Strange?”
“We need to talk about Peter’s eating habits. Have you noticed him skipping meals or undereating?”
“No, evidently I was wrong.”
“He’s severely malnourished. Peter’s BMI is currently sitting at 15.7; it’s surprising that he hadn’t collapsed before. What have you noticed about his eating?”
“He struggled a couple of weeks ago, but it was a one-time thing; at least that’s what he said. He seemed to be eating just fine, I’m not sure what happened.”
“Whatever happened, I’m sorry to say that Peter needs a feeding tube for nutritional restoration, it’s already set up, I need you to be prepared.”

The gasp that Pepper let out didn’t go unnoticed, but Tony stayed rigid, and he couldn’t move. His world stopped. Peter was suffering because of him. What hurt the most was how Tony knew he could’ve helped him, but he failed.

“It’s necessary for the time being. The sooner we start strengthening his body, the better. It’ll be easier with the tube; otherwise, we’d have to wait for him to wake up and accept food. I gotta say, I don’t think he could hold on that long without the tube.”
“When can we take him come.”
“We’re keeping him here overnight for observation after surgery. You can take him home tomorrow, but he’ll probably be out for a while. I’ll come in and check on him; it’ll be good for him to wake up somewhere he knows.”
“Thank you so much, Dr. Strange.”
“Let me know if you need anything, Ms. Potts.”

As soon as Stephen opened the door, and Peter was now visible to Tony, Pepper choked a sob, and Tony had a hard time not looking away. He seemed so fragile and breakable; like the smallest blow of wind would swipe him away. It took everything in Tony not to cry on the spot.

Everything was going to be okay. This was rock bottom. He was going to help him out of this mess. Everything was going to be okay. Peter was going to be okay. Peter was going to be fine.

God, but Tony hated seeing Peter like this. He was generally bubbly and happy, but he laid there, lifeless, and it broke Tony’s heart. It was there where he decided he would do anything to never ever see him like that again; whatever it took.

“I’ll take the first shift.”
“That’s okay, Pep, you should rest; probably tired, right? I can do it, I’m good here.”
“Don’t get me wrong, Tony, but you look like crap.”
“You look nice, too, honey, thanks.”
“It’s better for everyone; you need to rest. We’ll change in the morning. Sounds good?”

As per usual, she was right. Tony knew that he would fall asleep the minute his head hit a pillow; it was probably best for someone who was more aware to keep an eye on Peter. So, instead of fighting her, he simply kissed her and fell asleep.

It was a normal night, at least as normal as a night at a hospital goes. Nurses came and went almost every hour. It was very disruptive, and Tony always thought they would interrupt Peter’s sleep. Every time, though, he disappointed himself remembering that he wasn’t awake yet.

At 6am they switched shifts and Pepper fell asleep instantly, too. Tony couldn’t keep his eyes off Peter, too afraid that he’d die. After the first hour, though, he was able to look down to his phone. Much to his dismay, he had more stuff on his plate, and they couldn’t disappear because of this. The only thing he cared about, though, was what was going on at the Compound. Thankfully, Bruce reassured him that everything was good, and that no one seemed suspicious.

At 10am, when Pepper woke up, Tony decided he had to leave. There were so many things to figure out, and that just wouldn’t happen from a hospital room. He was pretty handy with technology, but this couldn’t be handled as easily. Even if he hated it, it was something he needed to do.

“I gotta figure this mess out, Pepper, I have to leave for a couple of hours.”
“It’s okay, Tony, don’t worry. I cleared my schedule, I’ll stay here.”
“I can have Bruce come and tag in so you can sleep.”
“That’s fine, Tony, it’s not necessary.”

____________________

One of the only reasons Tony ever went to Queens was for Peter. After the events of Peter’s homecoming, Tony was making a conscious effort to pick him up himself, so he knew his way around. But this time it was daunting, and he dreaded every turn.

It was inevitable, as much as he hated it, but he knew he had to go to May’s apartment. After all, that was the last place Tony knew Peter was. It was terrifying, though. There was no telling what he would find. It was scary enough to see him harming himself in a place where he knew someone could walk in; the thought of seeing what he could’ve done to himself in a place where he was alone was something of nightmares.

It couldn’t be good, that was a fact. There was a part of Tony that thought he had seen enough in his life to be prepared for what was on the other side of the door. But there were no indicators of how bad it actually was. The best way was the fastest, right?

With his eyes closed, and holding his breath, Tony opened the door and got into the apartment. As soon as he opened his eyes, Tony wished that he hadn’t. The scene that he walked into was horrifying, almost as much as seeing Peter cutting himself. His eyes must be deceiving him; it just couldn’t be true.

Now that he was alone, Tony didn’t make an effort to stop himself from crying. He was never the type of man that loudly cried; tears were freely flowing down his face, and an image of Peter hurting himself there only made the tears come faster.

Peter was alone, and Tony knew he was feeling hopeless. Not unlike Tony now, though. The feeling of helplessness grew stronger with every step he took, and it was hard to stay focused. Tony was failing, and he was failing Peter; again.

Absentmindedly, Tony began picking up stuff off the floor. It was hard, though. He was actively trying to ignore the blood on the floor and the dent in the wall. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what happened, and the thought of it brought chills up his spine.

It got too overwhelming, though. He was having an extremely hard time keeping focused; putting everything in a box, Tony decided to give it all away. Maybe getting all of it out of his eyesight would make him breathe better. It was much easier to replace everything later than to stand there, a witness of Peter’s self-destruction.

Now, being Iron Man, Tony had dealt with blood a lot of times, and he knew what to do. This was his kid’s blood, though, and that changed everything. Maybe he wasn’t a genius at cleaning, but he wondered if it would even come off.

The last thing he needed was to stay scrubbing Peter’s blood off the floor, it was just too much for him. So, he decided to hire someone to do it and to fix the wall. That would have to wait, though, there were more pressing matters in his mind.

Finally, Tony decided not to call May. For a moment, it felt like he had it handled; he could help Peter and they would be okay. On the other hand, though, if he succeeded at helping Peter, Tony realized it would be pointless for May to jeopardize her degree. After all, Peter was going to be okay, and Tony knew Peter wouldn’t want her to know.

It was now past midday, and Tony decided to pick up lunch in a restaurant near the hospital. No one could argue that hospital food was actually good, so, instead, he bought himself and Pepper burgers. He just wanted to take Peter home and have a burger with him, like nothing ever happened.

____________________

When he entered the room, Tony just smiled. The situation sucked, it really did; seeing Pepper asleep next to Peter brought a sense of comfort that warmed Tony’s heart, and it made him feel hopeful. That feeling quickly disappeared, though, when Stephen came into the room. Every time Tony saw him, he expected the worst, and it was nerve-wracking. Pepper was fast asleep, so, Tony gestured for them to chat outside.

“How are things looking?”
“His arm’s much better; not yet where we want it to be, but it’ll be just fine with some rest. Peter’s enhanced healing did wonders for him, but better be safe and keep it in a sling for a couple of days.”
“What about his eating?”
“Peter has a long road of recovery ahead of him; needs to gain at least 30lbs for him to be back to a healthy weight, though I would say more is needed to keep up with his… activities.”
“Can we take him home now?”
“I don’t see why not. He’ll be out for a while, but he’s out of immediate danger. It’s probably better for him to wake up somewhere he recognizes.”
When can we take him home?”
“You’ll be out by 4, I’ll go prepare paperwork.”

After Stephen saying he’d help them set Peter in the Compound, and shaking his hand, Tony went back inside and started unpacking the burgers. Pepper was just waking up, and she smiled at him as he handed her her burger.

“Sleep good, I hope.”
“Amazing, actually. How’s Peter?”
“He’s fine, given the circumstances.”
“Did he say anything else?”
“We can take him back later in the afternoon.”
“That’s good.”

They ate silently, and it was comfortable. Finally knowing Peter was out of danger gave Tony a sense of peace, and he had a long lunch without feeling like he would choke with tears.

“What are we going to do, Tony?”
“For now, take him home. I thought it’s better to keep him upstairs with us. You know, keep an eye on him and everyone else’s away.”
“What are you going to tell them?”
“I’ll talk to Bruce; all them for a meeting later in the afternoon while we set Peter up and then I’ll join them; feed them whatever lie.”
“Are you going to tell his aunt?”
“I thought about it, decided not to, at least for now. I want to talk to the kid first, see how things go. I really think we can do this, Pep.”
“She’d want to know, Tony.”
“I don’t want to fail her.”

Pepper didn’t reply, she just hugged him and reassured him that he wasn’t screwing things up. Tony knew that Pepper knew better, always; it was hard to accept it this time. Seeing Peter so skinny and fragile really made him rethink everything he had done for the last two months.

Pepper pulled away and kissed his cheek, it was reassuring. When she left the room to fill in paperwork, Tony took a second to appreciate that Peter wasn’t dead. He was alive and he was going to be okay. But now, Tony had to deal with everything else.

“Hey, Banner, how’s it going over there?”
“How’s Peter doing?”
“We’re bringing him home in a couple of hours.”
“That’s really good; I’m glad, Tony.”
“I need a favor, if that’s okay.”
“Anything.”
“Gather everyone in the business building, I don’t really care what you tell them. I just don’t want them around the living quarters asking questions about Peter.”
“We could use the Accords as an excuse.”
“Sounds good.”
“When are you coming back?”
“We’ll arrive around 5pm or so.”
“I’ll take care of it, don’t worry about it.”

____________________

It was weird to have Peter upstairs. It took them 30 minutes to have everything ready, it was all thanks to Stephen, and Tony made sure to let him know that. But, fact of the matter was that Tony knew Peter was really shy when it came to the top floor. It didn’t make sense to Tony, but there wasn’t much he could do about it.

He was safe in the bedroom next to his, and Tony was grateful that, if anything happened, he’d be there this time. He just didn’t want to leave his side at all. After the couple of days they had, it was pretty safe to say that Tony feared Peter would die if he wasn’t there with him. Thankfully, Pepper was.

Having her there, supporting him, was invaluable to Tony, and it gave him space to figure out what happens next. After all, he had to deal with everything else, and he had to start thinking methodically.

First and foremost was Peter’s bedroom. Tony wanted to avoid it like the plague, but it just couldn’t happen; there were a LOT of things that needed to be figured out before Peter woke up.

The first thing he noticed was the mess that was left there the night before. Picking up and throwing away the dried-up tissues and blades made him feel surprisingly numb. It was weird, though. Tony was terrified, but it seemed like he wasn’t processing that feeling.

Now that he was in front of such a horrific scene, Tony realized he really didn’t feel like dealing with anyone. Most importantly, he didn’t want to waste time he could be spending by Peter’s side telling the others some made-up story. But he had to.

When Tony entered the business meeting, he immediately regretted it, and he dreaded what came next. Everyone on the team was nice, but they could be overwhelming, and Tony just didn’t have the patience at the moment.

Maybe it was a good thing that Bruce chose the Accords as a cover-up for what happened. It could be a good distraction for him, and it was something that needed to be discussed either way. There wasn’t much to say, but it was as good excuse as any.

Everyone stood up and turned around to look his way when Tony entered the main briefing room. Under different circumstances, having everyone finally hear him out would’ve been fantastic, but it just wasn’t it. Peter was on the news, and they definitely knew.

“What the hell was that?”
“Did he really go rogue?”
“What was he even wearing? Did he use some old gear or something?”
“Is Ross coming for him now?”
“Do they know who he is?”
everyone calm down
“What’s going on, Tony.”
“Peter’s okay, Steve. It was him; he went out two nights ago.”
“Any news from Ross?”
“We’re on the defensive. Haven’t heard anything from him which is good. We gotta be prepared if someone asks.”
“Where is Peter?”
“Peter’s sick at the moment, he won’t be joining us, Sam.”

Several weird looks were shot his way and Tony knew he couldn’t really fool all off them. He knew that Peter had grown particularly close to Natasha, Sam, Wanda, and Bucky. They probably knew something was off, but Tony decided to ignore that chance.

“Spider-Man is in the public eye, and we need to talk about him being part of the Avengers. They will start talking and it’s best to tackle that now; better spare him from Ross finding him later.”
“You’re right, Tony; what can we do?”
“Do us the honor and share your thoughts.”

During the next couple of hours they talked about the possibility of introducing Spider-Man officially as an Avenger, and it ran smoothly. It was the general agreement that they were okay with it, even though some asked about Peter’s thoughts. When Tony rushed through his answer, he didn’t miss the weird looks coming from Bucky and Natasha.

The whole time he just wanted to leave and be by Peter’s side. Hopefully no one noticed, but he spent the most part of the meeting checking his phone and asking FRIDAY for updates. Thankfully, they didn’t question him when he excused himself saying Pepper was home and they’d be having dinner just the two of them – no one could’ve known better.

____________________

Monday went by in a haze, and it seemed like nothing was real. The whole day was spent next to Peter, hoping he would wake up. It was so weird seeing him lying there and just not… existing. Tony had grown us to Peter’s bubbliness, and he really hoped they’d get to see it soon again.

Stephen had told Tony that Peter wouldn’t wake up for a while, and, when he called him, Stephen said the same exact thing, with the addition that patience is a virtue. It was just so frustrating, though. Pepper, too, spent the whole day by his side, and it seemed like they were losing hope with every passing minute.

Peter was out of danger, and they knew that, but their eyes registered something else entirely, which was terrifying. Neither Tony nor Pepper had gone to med school, so they didn’t really know what was going on; they only had Stephen’s reassurances to hold on to.

To his dismay, there were more people in the Compound other than Pepper, Peter, and himself; he had to do his best to make everyone believe that everything was good and that nothing was wrong. It was tricky, though; being glued next to Peter for most of the day would probably be suspicious.

After Tony and Pepper had lunch in their private living room, Tony planned to spend the rest of the day reading in the chair in front of Peter’s bed. Pepper said she was going to lay down for a while; their afternoon seemed pretty set in stone. But it wasn’t.

“Sir, Ms. Romanov just entered the building, she’s looking for you.”
“I’ll be right down.”

What did she even want? Tony really thought he made it clear that he was actively trying to avoid everyone. He couldn’t risk her finding out what really happened with Peter, and he would be caught dead before he allowed Natasha upstairs. Instead, the kitchen seemed to be the place where he had to gather his shit and appear to be collected.

“What’s up?”
“How’s Peter? You know, everyone misses him, we’re getting concerned.”
“He’s fine.”
“Is there anything we can do, Tony?”
“He’s asleep upstairs, everything’s good.”
“If you say so…”
“So, have you given any thought about training again as a team?”
“I thought we still had a long way to go for the Accords to be ready.”
“That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be ready. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt anybody.”
“I’ll bring it up with them.”
“Anything else? I gotta take care of some business with SI. Thank you for coming, but I really need to go, so, let me know.”

It was definitely rude of Tony to usher her out of the building, and it probably grew her suspicion about Peter’s wellbeing, but Tony was done being there, he just wanted to be upstairs. Even if it threw them under the bus, Tony decided it was time.

“FRIDAY, lock the building for everyone but Rhodes, Bruce, and Strange.”
“Sure thing, Boss.”

____________________

When Tuesday began, Tony was entirely prepared to spend the day just like he did on Monday, sat next to Peter, hoping he would wake up. At first, the day went just like that. But then, FRIDAY alerted them that he was awake. Thank god Stephen happened to be there to check on him.

When he heard the words Tony couldn’t believe it, and he was so incredibly relieved. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was starting to get concerned that he wouldn’t wake up, and he started thinking about calling May. But now that he was awake, relief was everything he could feel.

Seeing Peter with his eyes open made Tony feel something he couldn’t really describe, but he was happy. Though, he didn’t really know what to say. After all, even if he was happy that he was awake, Tony was a wreck of concern, anger, and heartbreak. If he hadn’t remained silent, he would’ve definitely fucked up.

Tony didn’t say a word, not even when Peter confessed that he hadn’t eaten anything in over a week. It was heart-wrenching, and he was trying his best to keep his composure. But then Peter had to say he was fine.

“I don’t need that, really, I’m fine, everything’s fine. This was just a tiny slip up – I’m okay, I really am, everything’s good.”
“Are you serious, Peter? How can you not see what’s going on? You’re dying, kid, how do you not see it?”

How could Peter even think he was okay? It was ridiculous, unbelievable, and enraging. It really hit a nerve to realize that Peter didn’t see how serious the situation was. Peter was down to his bones, and it seemed like he just didn’t want to see it.

Whatever anger he felt died down when Peter started crying and bawling. Tony himself was in pain watching Peter suffer and scream, it was almost like he could feel it, too. But he was the adult, and he tried his best to act unfazed. When he tried taking the sling off, though, that’s when he knew he had to intervene.

“Come on, Peter, don’t do this.”
“It’s going to be okay.”
“You gotta stay still, probably want your arm, don’t you?”

Tony was having a really hard time not crying, so he put all his focus in Peter’s arm and making sure he wouldn’t do more damage to it. Thankfully, though, it didn’t take long for Peter to fall asleep. He must’ve been so exhausted, and Tony felt for him. Holding him in his arms was safe; nothing could happen to him if he was with Tony, so he didn’t want to let go. Though, 15 minutes later, he knew he had to move, his muscles in pain and a conversation to be had.

“How did it go, Dr. Strange?”
“He’s stable; startled and anxious, but that’s expected. Physically, if we can get his body the nutrients he needs, he’ll be okay.”
“What can we do?”
“There’s not much more I can do, Ms. Potts. Be patient with him, this won’t be easy for anyone. Call me if you need anything.”

When Stephen left, Pepper and Tony were left alone. Thankfully, she had ordered Chinese takeout, so they didn’t have to bother cooking something. Instead, they sat next to each other and absentmindedly watched TV.

The adrenaline of the whole situation made it easy for Tony to disguise how exhausted he was feeling. After all, even if they were back home, neither one of them had really rested, even if they actually got some sleep.

So, knowing that Peter had woken up, and that he was going to be okay, Tony allowed himself a small nap, or so he hoped. But that didn’t happen. Instead, when he was half asleep, Peter came stumbling out of the room, and his reflexes were fast enough that he was able to catch him before he hit the floor. Tony didn’t know what he would’ve done with himself if Peter had hit the ground.

Tony would never let Peter know directly, but he was getting more and more impatient. It broke his heart to see him care so little about his health, especially when he knew Peter was smarter than that. It just didn’t make any sense to him, and it was frustrating.

“I really am okay, I promise, I’m fine.”
“Come on, kid, you’re not an idiot.”
“Tony…”
“No, seriously, Pep, he has to know what he’s doing to himself. We shouldn’t be having this discussion, I’m calling him.”
“DON’T DO THAT.”
“Both of you need to calm down, right now.”
“I swear, Ms. Potts, I’m okay.”
“You need the IV, Peter; your body doesn’t have anything to keep itself up with.”
“I can get Banner in here; he can set it up himself.”
“Does that sound good, honey?”
“I – I don’t know.”
“We can call Dr. Strange and discuss the NG tube; see what can be done.”

Not unlike the last time they were in a similar situation, Pepper was the one that managed to calm them both down. Otherwise, Tony was certain he would’ve screwed up and it would be an even more complicated situation than it already was.

Thankfully, Peter listened to her, and he agreed to have Stephen come and set everything up again. Tony didn’t even want to imagine what would’ve happened if he had resisted it. Tony knew that Peter was exhausted, and he was so glad that he didn’t put up a fight, instead falling asleep easily, making it much easier for them to get him back to bed.

____________________

Listening Peter say that he wanted to be better and to recover was music to Tony’s ears. He was just so glad that Peter was actually trying; maybe this time it was going to be better. As much as he wanted, Tony had a hard time trusting Peter, though there were certain details that made him think that this was it.

After all, why would he vocally admit that he was struggling? Before this, Peter hid everything; maybe him opening up and saying he was having a hard time was a good thing.

When Pepper said she had to leave, Tony started rethinking his entire strategy. It strongly relied on Pepper; evidently Peter trusted her more and he was more comfortable with her. It wasn’t surprising but it was certainly disappointing. After all, who could blame him? Tony didn’t have the easiest temper, and this wasn’t going to be easy.

Honestly, Tony was sick of this, and he could see that Peter was, too. They needed a break, and Stephen gave the green light for him to go out; nothing was stopping him. And, truth be told, there were many things he hadn’t told Peter and he realized needed to be said.

“I’m proud of you, Peter, you’re special and you should never doubt that.”
“I don’t know…”
“Everyone screws up Peter, you know that; it doesn’t mean that they’re not good people. Why should it be any different for you?”
“I – I…”

It was hard for Tony to see that Peter doubted his self-worth, but he was grateful that they were on the right path. After all, he probably wouldn’t have admitted that to him a week before. It seemed like Peter appreciated being there with him, and, from what Tony understood, his life story resonated with him. Maybe, for now, he could be the lifeline that Peter needed.

Honestly, spending the afternoon in New York did wonders for Tony, and he hoped that it did for Peter, too. It was more of a neutral scene for both of them, and Peter seemed visibly more comfortable than in the top floor’s spare bedroom.

It was pretty relieving to see that Peter seemed to be accepting what Tony was saying. It felt like it was worth it; like maybe the pain was what was needed for both of them to open their eyes to the crude reality of the situation.

The highlight of Tony’s day, though, was seeing him eat and know he didn’t puke it all out. He was so proud and so happy; it almost made him forget how anxious he felt that Peter would jump at the opportunity to hurt himself if he turned around for a second.

What scared him most, though, was that maybe this was a façade he was putting up to fool Tony, and he feared that he had grown oblivious to Peter’s pain. There wasn’t much to do, though. Tony knew that, if he pushed Peter, he would end up fucking things up even more by making him think he was under attack.

Now, what was surprising was Peter brining up cars. For a minute, Tony thought that he was using the topic as a distraction so he could avoid eating, but Tony didn’t take his eyes off Peter’s plate until it was clean; maybe he was actually interested in cars.

Peter was turning 16 next month, maybe it was a good time to think about it. Maybe he could get him a car and his permit as a birthday gift. He was definitely getting too ahead of himself, but Tony desperately wanted to believe that things were going to be better by his birthday.

Tony’s expectations were pretty low when it came to Peter eating and getting together again with the rest of the team. He was surprised to see that he was wrong to think that he would struggle. He didn’t at all expect Peter to eat a normal amount of sushi, or any, for that matter. There were no complaints on his side, though, only a reminder to FRIDAY to let him know if Peter purged any of it. It was a good night, and it felt like everything would be okay.

____________________

When morning came around, the hope that the day would be as good as the previous one was there, and Tony clung to it. If Peter woke up feeling off, Tony didn’t know what he would do with himself. Every moment was uncertain, and Tony was hoping there wouldn’t be any unpleasant surprises.

It wouldn’t be surprising though, if Peter got up with the left foot. Truth was, though, Tony couldn’t keep him locked up. He had to face the fact that he couldn’t make the situation better as easily as he usually dealt with his own problems. This was Peter they were talking about, and he couldn’t be reckless.

Even if he knew that Peter was safe in his own bed, Tony had a very hard time sleeping. He was just too concerned about Peter and about something going wrong during the night. Taking the risk of going to sleep and have Peter run away was off the table.

Instead, he spent most of the night in his lab brainstorming new equipment for everyone. It was as good a distraction as any, and it got his mind off the terrible scenarios in his head. He actively avoided working on anything for Peter, though. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t want to take Spider-Man away from him, but now more than ever Tony knew that it was ill-timed.

When FRIDAY let Tony knew that Peter was in the kitchen, he immediately went downstairs and tried his best to act like he wasn’t losing his mind over the possibility of Peter not eating. The last thing Tony wanted was to pressure Peter into eating more than he could, but he also couldn’t risk Peter lying and avoiding eating; he just couldn’t trust him.

“Is that everything you’re going to eat?”
“Uhm, yeah, I think so, I’m not that hungry.”
“Cmon, Pete, you gotta eat more.”
“Yeah, I – I know.”
“So, what do you feel like?”
“How about scrambled eggs? I can cook some for us.”

Tony really tried his best to speak as softly as he could and as calmly as possible when telling Peter that he needed more food. Tony wasn’t a fan of Stephen agreeing with Peter about not using the tube. He didn’t fight him, though; after all, he was the doctor. Still didn’t like it, though. It was just much easier than trusting Peter.

What surprised him was Peter offering to cook. It did cross his mind that he was lying, but, as he saw him eating the eggs he cooked; maybe he wasn’t. Things would be okay.

What didn’t surprise him was Peter bringing up Spider-Man. It had happened way too many times for Tony not to expect it. Honestly, Tony didn’t want to talk about it. For one, he didn’t have the answers to most of the questions he was sure to ask, but, on the other hand, Tony wasn’t prepared for Peter to go on patrol again.

Against his better judgement, though, Tony ran off with the excuse of the Accords. Peter didn’t know what had been going on with that, so, maybe, it wasn’t as ridiculous. Nothing would happen with the Accords, but he just needed some space to think about what would happen with Spider-Man.

____________________

Instead of doing what a sane person would do like deal with it and talk to Peter, Tony spent the morning hiding in his lab, working on the gear he planned for everyone and thinking about Spider-Man.

Peter was Spider-Man and Spider-Man was Peter; it wasn’t unlike how it was with himself, and Iron Man. Tony would be foolish to think that he could keep Spider-Man from Peter forever. But what troubled him was that he didn’t know if he could trust him again with it.

There was no way for Tony to know that Peter wouldn’t run away if something happened, and he blamed himself for it. Tony couldn’t possibly know what would happen if he was fooled again and Peter didn’t get stronger; he could die while out on patrol. Peter was desperate to go back to being Spider-Man and Tony knew that, but he feared that that despair would lead him to being careless, maybe someone would recognize him.

At 11am Bruce came into the lab, even if he really didn’t want him to. Tony was eternally grateful for what Bruce had done for them, but his mind was too busy thinking about what to do and what not to do to focus on someone else.

“Hey Tony, how are you?”
“What’s up?”
“How’s Peter? Did Dr. Strange say anything yet?”
“He recommended a psych assessment; taking him down that road.”
“What are you thinking?”
“I don’t know, Banner, I’m taking it as it goes; I just don’t know what to do.”
“It’s going to be okay, Tony, he’s going to be okay.”
“He asked about Spider-Man.”
“And?”
“I don’t know, Bruce. If I allow him to go out again, he could hurt himself; if I don’t, he could hurt himself intentionally. Neither are good options.”
“You can’t keep him in a golden bubble, Tony.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You’re doing a good job; I’m sure Peter will understand. He looks up to you, Tony, and he trusts you.”
“Maybe.”
“So?”
“I don’t think he should be swinging around for now. There are so many things on the line he’s not thinking about, you know? The Accords, Spider-Man’s current reputation, his health.”
“Well, there you go.”
“Thanks, Banner.”

____________________

For a minute there Tony was scared that Peter was trying to avoid eating again; thankfully, he just didn’t want to eat in front of everyone, and that he understood. Having lunch with him, just the two of them, was nice, and Tony hoped this could’ve been under different circumstances.

Regardless, seeing him eating was good, and he was proud. When he told Peter that he wouldn’t be Spider-Man for the foreseeable future, Tony was sure that things would take a turn for the worse, but he was surprised to see that he didn’t fight Tony. Peter simply accepted it, and it was slightly disturbing.

Tony wasn’t complaining, though. Maybe he did understand what was going on and how serious it was; maybe he finally came to his senses. Something told him otherwise, though, and that gut feeling settled as soon as Peter stood from the dining table.

There weren’t many ways for him to know what was going on, and he needed peace and quiet to figure it out; so, he locked himself in his lab to just think. The last few days had been such a mess, and he needed time to himself if he wanted to avoid becoming the mess. Tony would drop anything in a heartbeat if Peter called, but he needed time to calm down.

With the music blaring, and every problem around him now tuned down, Tony continued working on a new arm for Bucky. If the Accords were going to work, and they were going to work as a team, Tony wanted to make sure that everyone was properly equipped.

In the blink of an eye, 5 hours went by and it was now 8pm. It was a fairly productive afternoon, really. He worked on Bucky’s arms, Sam’s wings, new expandable pants for Bruce, and his own nanotech suit. While he did that, he also kept tabs on Peter, regularly asking FRIDAY what was going on, the last time being 5pm. The answer always was that he was in his room, and he was okay.

But now he was hungry, and he realized he had to eat. More importantly, though; Peter had to eat. Tony made a mental note to figure out if they needed to space their meals more, for Peter’s sake. Maybe it would be easier for him to eat less amounts of food but more times a day.

“FRIDAY, call Peter down here; dinner’s served in the kitchen.”
“I’m sorry, Boss, I can’t locate Peter.”

Notes:

I'm so sorry for posting this so late. I come home from work so exhausted and I wanted to be inspired for this chapter lmao. Finally the long awaited Tony's POV! This is definitely the longest chapter I've written so far, so, sorry for that. I really hope you enjoy it, I had a lot of fun writing it

Also, I've been playing Taylor Swift's album ON REPEAT; I srsly believe Anti-Hero will become this fic's official anthem lmao. Have you guys listened to it?

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, nk_d26

Chapter 40: grit your teeth, pull your hair

Summary:

TW/ Suicidal thoughts, eating disorder behaviours

PLEASE check your mental health before reading. This chapter may be triggering for some of you.
Stay safe x.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Most people would say that Peter was one of the luckiest kids in the world; getting to live with Tony Stark and learn by his and Bruce Banner’s side everything he would ever want to know. Peter would never deny that fact. It just flew past him most of the times, really. He had been so drowned in his thoughts that he barely ever got to stop and appreciate what he had.

This time, though, he actively stopped everything to take a second to take it all in. Iron Man was a superhero to everyone, but Tony was Peter’s hero, and he recognized that, if it weren’t for him, he would probably already be dead. It made it all so much harder, though.

While he sat on his bed after having had lunch with Tony, it seemed like time went by a thousand times more slowly, and like life was actually giving him space to appreciate what he had in his life. Peter was done fighting Tony. He just didn’t really want to waste any time they had together; so, Peter simply stopped arguing about Spider-Man and sat down with Tony to just exist.

Peter genuinely enjoyed Tony’s company, and it just made the grief in his heart grow stronger by the second. Regardless, he wasn’t that kind of strong, and every word came with a threat of a thousand tears flowing down his face. Peter just wanted to make this the least painful for everyone, but he just didn’t think he could.

For the rest of the meal, they talked about everything and nothing, just like nothing was going on and like Peter was damn near giving up. School was one of the topics they discussed. Tony kept asking him what his plans were, and if he had given any thought about what he wanted to do when the time to go back to school came.

It was probably that moment that Peter truly realized how he was never going back. He was sad about it, he really was. Learning was fascinating, and Peter really enjoyed it. Ned was his best friend, and MJ was someone Peter would definitely miss. It seemed unfathomable, but the odds of him seeing them again were very close to none; it was heartbreaking.

The daunting truth was that life would be better if he wasn’t there. No one needed him, he was just wasting space and time; why would anyone miss him? Peter always tried to do good by his parents and be a kind person. Someone nice wouldn’t waste everyone’s time and resources, he was just not worth it.

Even if Peter didn’t want to admit it, he had already made up his mind, and he now had to go through his options. He had to leave; that was not up for debate. Truth of the matter was that he didn’t want to leave at all. What was there not to love about living at the Avengers Compound? It was a dream, but Peter turned it into everyone’s nightmare, at least that’s what he saw.

Tony shouldn’t have to be bothered with his issues. He was such a good man, and Peter was making his life harder every single day; Tony didn’t deserve that. God, Peter was going to miss him. Grateful was a word that fell short for how he felt for the opportunity he was given. He didn’t deserve it, and his self-hatred grew when he realized how ungrateful he was being. Tony deserved much better.

His departure should be the least troubling for everyone, that was the least he could do to try and make up for how much he had taken from them. There was little Peter could think of that could be a passable way to get out of the Compound without raising any suspicion or blaring any alarms.

The realization that no one would miss him, that no one would even notice he was gone, broke Peter’s heart, and he had to bite his lip to avoid letting out a sob. It was now decided, he had been a burden long enough, he decided he couldn’t, wouldn’t take more from any of them.

Now, if this was going to go according to plan, Peter knew he had to take the essentials for a couple of days; that’s the most in the future he could think of. So, he checked his backpack again. In there was a pair of underwear, two shirts, his old webshooters, a jacket, his old phone, a bottle of water, and every bit of money he had withdrawn.

Peter felt dirty. In a way, he was robbing Tony, and every fiber in his body filled with self-hatred thinking about how much he had taken from the man. Truth of the matter was, he needed the cash. If he didn’t have it, there weren’t many places he could possibly go to that were far enough away.

God, did he want to stay. It was pretty obvious to him that leaving was something he didn’t want to do. Living at the Compound was a dream come true, and knowing he had to leave brought tears to his eyes.

Peter loved living there. He loved living with Tony and hanging out with everyone. With time, it all became so mundane and homey, like this was his reality. But it wasn’t, and Peter knew he had fooled himself long enough.

It was just so rationally fucked up. Peter knew how fucked up it was that he wanted to die and didn’t care about it. On the contrary, he fantasized of the day when he would no longer be alive. Regardless, Peter realized that it wasn’t normal for a kid to think that way; he just couldn’t help it.

Goodbyes were always hard, and he wanted to stretch the moment as much as he could; not really wanting to leave. Reluctantly, though, Peter turned off the phone that Tony had given him, and he neatly put it on the desk with everything else he was given; cards, phone, computer, StarkPad, but he also left a note. Peter hoped it would be enough of an apology, it was the least he could do.

The safest bet was to leave while there was still light outside. For one, it was objectively safer, but it was also true that everyone would be more suspicious at night. After all, he had run away before, and Peter knew they were more wary now. On the other hand, Tony would want to see him at dinner, and Peter just couldn’t see him again without breaking down and telling him how much he wanted to die.

The least painful way to leave was the quickest. He had thought about it for just a second, but he had no solid plan at all. There was not a place where he knew he would be safe; Peter was headed to uncharted territory, and it was terrifying.

Before stepping out of the room, Peter started wondering what would happen. Would they notice that he was leaving? Would they look for him? Would they care? If they did, it would be a shame.

They shouldn’t have to be bothered with him. Peter knew in his heart that he didn’t deserve it at all; to be loved, to be cared for, to live.

With a heavy feeling in his chest, and fighting every instinct in his body, Peter took his backpack after making sure the coast was clear with the help of FRIDAY, who thankfully didn’t ask questions and just confirmed that no one was around.

As he stepped out of the room, Peter realized how definitive this was; with one last glance back, Peter let out a choked sob accompanied by a few tears. This was his fault, and he was determined to pay for it any way he could.

____________________

Getting out of the Compound was harder than Peter expected, but still, he succeeded. It was unclear to him why he even expected it to be easy; maybe he was just hoping. There were plenty of times he thought he could’ve gotten caught, but two in particular stood out, almost giving him a heart attack.

Eating made it possible for him to actually sense when someone was coming; hadn’t he eaten what he did, he wouldn’t have been able to notice that Clint was coming towards him; it gave Peter enough time to hide behind a wall. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, Clint didn’t see him; he was talking on his phone and wasn’t really aware that Peter was silently begging for someone to save him.

Everyone seemed to be doing their own thing, no one really noticing anything else. On the other hand, and probably worse, Peter almost ran into Rhodey. The man was walking into the business meeting with people who seemed to be government officials, at least as far as he could tell. Thankfully, Rhodey was too focused on his own matters that he didn’t notice Peter’s attempt at stealthily running out of the building.

The last time Peter saw Michael was pretty shameful, especially considering his state back then. He really didn’t want to have another uncomfortable run-in with him; so, he stayed perfectly still, hoping the man hadn’t seen him jump over of the fence. Michael probably didn’t see him. Or maybe he just didn’t care. Maybe he did see him but wanted Peter gone; everyone did.

Peter consciously knew he had no idea where to go; he just wanted to leave. But, when he started quickly walking headed south, he realized what he had done and how little he actually could manage. Unsurprisingly, his mind was starting to go adrift and Peter felt the whole weight of it.

How was it possible for it to be so quiet yet so loud? He was so alone; it was now beyond feeling lonely, this was the real thing, and it was the most terrifying thing Peter had ever experienced.

The deafening silence was taking control of him, and it felt like his ears were about to burst; like a bomb was just seconds away from exploding inside his head. Peter had absolutely no clue how to silence it, there was nothing he could do.

The thought of screaming for help came to his mind, but it defeated the whole purpose of not being a burden, he couldn’t turn back. This was his doing, and he had to be man enough to deal with it, he was supposed to be a hero; what good of a hero could he be if he couldn’t even save himself?

Instead, Peter chose to sit on the floor, hands on his hears and hoping to god that it would pass soon. If this was going to become a frequent occurrence, Peter had to find new ways to deal with it. He felt so pathetic and helpless; it was humiliating.

40 minutes later, it got quiet again. The noise in his head suddenly stopped, and the dead silence of the woods took its place, which scared Peter. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, not even himself, but he just wanted help. He didn’t know what with, though. Everything in his life was a mess, and he couldn’t be weak and simply dump that amount of messed up to someone else.

With a minute of clarity coming to him, Peter shook his head and started actually considering his options and thinking about what to do. The most important fact was that he couldn’t turn back, this was definitive. Peter couldn’t go to Queens, either; it’d be the obvious choice, and he didn’t want to be found. He couldn’t well go far away; he didn’t have a lot of money to be throwing away, and the chance of Tony looking for him made him want to stay closer. But he didn’t want to stay close, because he didn’t want to be found.

Finally, Peter came to the decision that it was best to go to New York and walk around the boroughs. He knew them well, and Peter knew where most things were; it would be easier. Plus, he had to find a decent place to sleep in, and there were a couple of places he could think about.

Now, that was something that never once crossed Peter’s mind. Was he homeless now? How long would he go without sleeping in a bed? How long could it take for him to die? Maybe the world would be better off that way, and he had to suffer for what he had done to everyone, maybe it was best.

What if the authorities got him for being a minor in the streets on his own? It wasn’t very likely, at least not that he thought. But still, the chain of events that would happen if the police caught him brough chills to his spine, and he had to actively tell himself to stop thinking about so many things at once and just move.

It seemed like all he had been doing was walking. Peter walked and walked and walked, and he kept on walking, not even sure where he was. It had been a long while since he left the Compound; darkness settled, and the night had begun. It was probably around 11pm, but he wasn’t tired at all.

On the contrary, he felt more awake than ever. It was probably the fact that his instinct told him to stay awake; that sleeping was dangerous, and that he was at risk if he did. But, also, maybe it was the fact that he was forced to eat and how he had nutrients in his body that made him feel much less tired than he usually did.

Not for a moment did Peter think of packing a map or something to guide him out of the grounds surrounding the Compound, but he just didn’t think it was necessary; he was wrong. Peter knew deep inside of him that he wasn’t even halfway there, and he realized he wouldn’t make it. Maybe he overestimated his physical abilities and underestimated how far away New York actually was.

The logical choice was the bus. Most people would’ve thought of it first, and it wasn’t like Peter hadn’t thought of it; he just didn’t want to spend any cash. It was unclear to him how long he would survive, but the fear of running out of money made him question every step he took. After all, he didn’t have many options as a child; it wasn’t easy to get a job, and Peter wasn’t really sure if he wanted to live long enough to have to get a job to survive.

As much as he hated it, the bus was the only choice if he wanted to get away. With that in mind, Peter got to the nearest bus station; he already knew what it was. The last time he was at the bus station in Albany was a mere week ago when he felt like he could’ve actually died. This time, Peter hoped the fear would go away and that he could find peace for even a minute.

Without taking the time to second guess himself, Peter bought a ticket to Brooklyn’s Greyhound Station. It was honestly an instinct, there was no real reason to go there at all, but maybe it was best not to go directly to Queens.

The bus was set to live in an hour and Peter was forced to sit down and be alone with his thoughts. The frustration he felt holding his head with his hands was something he knew far too well but hated entirely. It was beyond frustrating that, even if he tried his best, it still wasn’t enough, and he was being a burden to everyone. He was too much to handle and it was frustrating that nothing he ever did was enough.

It was very lonely at the station, and Peter was frightened to be alone. He was still a child and being alone at that time of the night was scary. He knew the dangers that the night held, and he wasn’t immune to them. There weren’t many people around him; in fact, only two men stood at the bus station, near to where he was sitting.

Immediately, Peter sensed danger, and he knew something was terribly wrong. His sense told him to leave and turn back to the Compound; that he was safe there instead of in peril if he stayed. Truth was, he wanted to call Tony so bad, he would know what to do, and he would get him out of trouble.

Leaving was a mistake, and Peter realized that faster than he would’ve wanted. There was no turning back now, though. This was something he didn’t really think through but couldn’t take back.

Instead, Peter tried to act calmly and not show how scared he was. People always said that it was better not to make eye contact with suspicious people, and maybe it was better. Trying to collect his thoughts of what he had learned of safety, Peter stood up and started walking around the station. For one, they’d probably think he was alert enough to react to whatever they attempted. But it also gave Peter space to think things through.

It was merely an assumption that they were dangerous, even if his senses were telling him that they were. Peter knew he grew to be paranoid since becoming Spider-Man; maybe this was just that and they weren’t bad guys.

Hopefully not, though. Peter didn’t really know if he could take on a bad guy. After all, he had spectacularly failed the last time. He was a worthless excuse of a hero, and he couldn’t defend himself. It got him thinking that he was less than equipped to fend for himself, and that was terrifying to even think about.

Not long after standing up and walking around, Peter’s instincts kicked in and he went to where people who worked there were. There was safety in numbers, and it was better to be near people. Usually, criminals got discouraged, and it was better for him.

It was truly unsettling how much he knew about those sorts of things being a child. No child should know that much about criminals and how their modus operandi. No child should have seen what he had and be exposed to such gruesome scenes. But Peter did, and it was tragic.

Most of all, though, it was ultimately disappointing how much of a disgrace and a failure he was, specially to May. If he would’ve been better, Ben would still be alive, and May wouldn’t have to handle everything on her own. Peter tried to become a hero to make her proud, but he was failing, and it broke him inside.

Eventually the men went away, or so Peter hoped. Being too submerged in his own thoughts, he wasn’t really aware of his surroundings. It was only when they announced the bus was leaving in 5 minutes that Peter realized that the men were no longer there and that it was time to make the decision that would determine how much longer he would be alive.

The numbness within him took charge and it made his legs walk up the steps and settle in a window seat. It had been such a long day, and Peter just wanted to cry, but it just wouldn’t happen. His emotions seemed to have stopped working and how he was in autopilot, hoping that he wouldn’t crash.

____________________

Sleep took over him faster than he thought possible as soon as the bus began its journey, but he was abruptly awakened when it stopped and the destination. It was a disappointment; he didn’t want to wake up. The decisions he had made the day before seemed all too surreal to be true, and he fooled himself into thinking they were.

Now that the sun had risen and that he was in Brooklyn, Peter realize that he had no idea what to do. Every single choice he made, he regretted, and he didn’t have the guts to turn back.

Without really realizing it, Peter ended up in the roof in front of where Sophie’s family lived. At that point, Peter really had no idea what he was doing, his body wasn’t his and he was just going wherever it led him. Unsurprisingly, it led him to see exactly how badly he had fucked up and how much of a mess he was.

But it wasn’t entirely horrible; it was the only place in Brooklyn that Peter knew well enough apart from the place where Tony took the suit away from him after the ferry fiasco. It didn’t take the heavy toll away, though.

The profound grief invaded him. He would never get it out of his heart, it was now his cross to bear and he welcomed it knowing he deserved it. It was unfathomable that he actually killed her. He was the reason she wasn’t coming home again, the reason why her family would never see her graduate and the bright future Peter knew she had ahead, but he stole from her. Peter took a daughter and sister away from her family; it couldn’t be forgiven.

The only way for him to even try and start making up for what he had done was to suffer. Deep down, Peter knew that it wouldn’t be long for him to see Sophie again and apologize; something told Peter that his life was coming to an end, and it was a peaceful thought that he couldn’t help but hope it came true.

The tears started flowing down his face and the feeling in his cheeks made him realize what he had to do. It was very scary, and even though Peter wanted to die, it didn’t make the process any easier.

With his mind now as sharp as the blades he pressed against his own skin, Peter walked to the nearest Walmart, and it was terrifying how easily his emotions were shut off. He couldn’t really tell why they were switching on and off so abruptly, but he was thankful that he had a moment to just take a break.

It was all a haze, really. There were several boxes of aspirins in his cart, and the devil within him put a shit ton of junk food in, too. There were different types of candy, chips, sodas, baked goods, and chocolate. He just couldn’t help himself; all numb and defeated, his hand took over his conscience. None of it got past the cashier, though.

“Everything good, sweetheart?”
“Uhm, sorry?”
“Is everything alright?”
“Yes, ma’am, everything’s good, I’m okay, everything’s fine.”
“Are you sure, honey? Is there anyone I can call? You don’t look so good.”

That comment broke Peter. Even if he had someone to call, he shouldn’t call them because he was just a burden to them. The thought of it made him sniffle and let a couple of tears out. Instead of having a full-on cry, Peter tried his best to fake whatever crooked smile he could.

“Yes, I’m sure, everything’s good.”
“Well, sweetheart, if you say so. That’ll be $162.14.”
“Uh, yeah, here you go.”
“You take care of yourself, okay?”

If it weren’t for the active effort Peter was making to make her believe he was fine, Peter would’ve actually screamed at how much it was. He wasn’t really sure how much money he had withdrawn from Tony’s debit card, but it was scary to think he would eventually run out of money and have nothing to live with.

An ever more daunting thought was that he wasn’t necessarily sure if he wanted to live long enough to actually spend everything he had withdrawn. But it was also true that Peter wouldn’t know what to do with Tony’s money if he died before spending it. Peter was sure he would give it back if he could, but there was now no way he would face the man again. The embarrassment and shame were too big for him to try to ignore.

Besides, Peter knew that they had grown closer, and he knew that his death would impact Tony. It was better if he wasn’t there when it happened, it would spare him the bother. No one wanted to deal with a child wanting to die, and Tony shouldn’t have to deal with it.

“Excuse me, miss?”
“Yes? What can I help you with?”
“Do you know where the nearest park is?”
“Sure thing. Just crossing the road you’ll find the Big Creek Parkway. And two blocks away is the Marquardt Park.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem, honey.”

He already knew that he couldn’t really orientate himself in Brooklyn; asking for directions was the smart choice. There was nowhere Peter could think of that would be a good enough place to sleep. So, he decided a park would be a safe choice.

It was early in the morning and people were jogging around; if he had been more emotionally stable, Peter would’ve probably joined them. But his brain wasn’t working with him anymore. Instead, Peter laid on the ground, hoping sleep would catch him soon enough to drown his thoughts.

It didn’t happen. 2 hours went by, probably; at least that was more or less what Peter could calculate. The voices wouldn’t shut up, and he made peace with the fact that they were part of him now, even if it was a dreadful thought.

They were screaming at him for wasting everyone’s time. They told him that he was a waste of space. They said he made everything worse. They blamed him for Ben’s, Sophie’s, and the doctor’s death. They said he was to blame for crime in the city. They said he was a criminal. They yelled that he shouldn’t be here. They said he didn’t deserve to live. And Peter listened. The voices won.

Now that he was equipped to enact his self-destruction, he was ready, and Peter began thinking about how he should spend his last day.

Notes:

Hi guys! FINALLY posting this chapter, I'm really sorry I hadn't updated yet, it's been a really rough month and I thought that being emotionally down would motivate me to write but it didn't happen. It's here now, though! Not as long as the ones before, but I really did my best.

What do you guys think will happen next? Do you have any suggestions?

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

I hope everyone has a wonderful end of the month and a joyful beginning of December!

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 41: paint the walls black and scream

Summary:

TW/ Suicidal thoughts, eating disorder behaviors, suicide attempt

PLEASE check your mental health before reading, this chapter may be triggering for some of you.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The sun was shining brighter than Peter ever stopped to consider. It was burning his face, actually. When he fell asleep, he was under the shadow of a tree, but it had, apparently, been a long time; he felt his skin drying up and the light getting through his eyelids like swords.

It was probably past midday, maybe. There wasn’t much he could actually know for a fact, and it just seemed pointless to try and figure it out, it wouldn’t matter for much longer, anyway. Granted, he had his phone, but it was pretty useless. Never once did the thought of taking his charger cross his mind; the sole thought of idiocy made his self-hatred grow, and it made him wonder how he had even managed to live this long.

It was also true that there wasn’t any place he could actually charge it without putting himself at risk. The daunting thought of homelessness was consistently reminding him of how little he had actually thought things through.

For his entire life he had always had a roof over his head, even when May was struggling with money, they always had what they needed. Accepting the fact that he was homeless felt like he was being ungrateful, and like he wasn’t really homeless. Peter thought of the hundredths of homeless people in New York, and he refused to believe he was one of them. Not because he didn’t want to accept that he didn’t have a home, but for the fact that they needed help, and Peter just didn’t deserve it.

No one is ever prepared to face the choice of what to do with the time you have left in the world. Most people didn’t know, so, most people did what they would any other day. For Peter it was different, and he had no idea what he wanted to do now that he knew when his time would run out.

Peter decided he was going to die, that much he knew for certain. A lot of people talked about arranging everything in their lives before dying; maybe they were onto something. It was the least he could do, really. After messing everyone’s lives, it was only fair that Peter did something to try and clear them up.

In what felt like a lifetime ago, Peter had things he wanted to do; places he wanted to see. Now, though, he couldn’t think of a single one of them. Home was the one he craved, but he couldn’t keep hurting the people he loved. So, now he was left to figure out if there was anything else he wanted to do before dying.

Nevertheless, the whole point of this was to suffer because of what he had done. Getting to do the things he wanted to do was unfair; surely Sophie had a multitude of them, but he took those opportunities away from her. He shouldn’t enjoy life, he shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy life. That’s why he was going to take matters into his own hands and end it.

The sun was shining so bright, and Peter felt like he was suffocating, and he had absolutely no idea what to do. His mind was a mess, and he had, apparently, forgotten how to survive. Just as he was about to start hyperventilating, Peter remembered he had packed a bottle of water. Thank god he did, at least one version of him was smart to know that he wouldn’t survive long enough to take his own life without water.

Desperately, he took the bottle out of the backpack and immediately chugged it. It was disgustingly warm and Peter almost threw it up. That wasn’t an option, though; he had to push through it. Trying to be smart, Peter only drank half of it. Yes, he bought snacks and drinks, but those were reserved for a very sinister session of self-destruction.

Thinking about food made him realize how ravenous he was. It was pathetic, really. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since he last ate, but his stomach was screaming at him to find something to eat. He wanted to feel empty; the hollowness on his cheeks growing deeper with the intense hunger he was feeling.

It didn’t matter, though. He was going to die soon, and it didn’t matter what he ate. After all, when he died, no one could be further harmed by how much he ate. It didn’t matter what he did. It didn’t matter that he lived.

____________________

More than a couple of people looked at him with concern when he was laying under the tree, the sun still burning his skin. They looked at Peter with pity, but none cared enough to ask what was going on with him. They talked, though, and Peter dreaded his enhancements for allowing him to hear what they said to their own groups.

“Do you think he’s a druggie?”
“Don’t go near him, honey. He could be dangerous.”
“Doesn’t he have a family or something?”
“Should we call the police? He seems young.”
“He doesn’t look too good.”

It was heartbreaking to know that his outside reflected what he was feeling on the inside, but no one cared enough about him; no one did.

Where had it all gone wrong? It just seemed like one moment he was a regular kid living with his aunt and figuring out life, but now he was so alone and so lost. The aching in his heart grew stronger when he saw families hanging out at the park he was in. He wanted his family, whichever.

Peter would never do anything to jeopardize May’s future; she didn’t ask for kids, but she still welcomed him as her own when Peter’s parents died. Peter knew there were things she wanted to do and dreams she wanted to pursue. Raising a kid wasn’t there on that list, and Peter wasn’t selfish enough to call her all the way to Sweden to feel something he didn’t deserve to feel.

Without May, that familiar warmth was provided by Tony and Pepper; it was different, though. Peter would rather die a gruesome death than admit it out loud, but he was starting to think of them as parental figures. The one thing he wanted was to be embraced by Pepper’s arms while listening to Tony fail to casually ask if he was okay.

He wasn’t, and he wanted Tony to know, but Peter couldn’t put that on his plate. Once again, someone had been burdened with him without them asking; it was a mortifying cross to bear. To Peter, it seemed like everyone was just obligated to deal with him, no one really wanting him there. It hurt.

The decision had been already taken, and Peter refused to fail at that, too. So, trying to block the depressing thoughts that haunted him, Peter stood up and gathered his things to start his journey, still not knowing where it led.

There wasn’t really that much to pick up, the backpack wasn’t at all heavy. For some reason, though, Peter lost his balance, and his eyes went blurry for a second. Maybe it was life telling him that his time should soon come to an end, having his bare existence threatening everyone. What if he had fallen and hit someone? It was something Peter couldn’t afford.

Now on his feet, Peter stood still for a couple of minutes, trying really hard to ignore everyone’s stares. He had absolutely no clue where to go. No one was looking for him, so he almost had free pass to do whatever he wanted. But he was dead set on making things right; there were tasks that he needed fulfilled.

Number one of his list was going to his school to pick up the stuff he had left there over summer vacations. It would be a waste of materials to just leave them there when there were people who could benefit from the books he had; the notebooks he could give out to any environmental charity that recycled whatever they received, but the books he couldn’t simply hand away so carelessly.

____________________

Walking down the halls, Peter was invaded by a nostalgia he never thought he would ever feel for the place. It wasn’t necessarily hell for him, but it wasn’t really a pleasant experience, either. Most people would probably think he lost his mind if they ever heard that he actually missed the chaos and stress; hell, he also missed Flash making fun of him. At least when he was mocked by Flash, he wasn’t killing anyone.

There were so many things that Peter realized he would no longer do, and the grief that coursed through his body was indescribable. It was different from most times; this one he didn’t mourn something he had, instead mourning what wouldn’t be.

Maybe he would’ve grown to become an Avenger and it be his life. Maybe he would’ve gone to MIT and become a world-known physicist, hopefully living up to expectations. Or maybe he would just continue being the burden he was, maybe he would continue being a murderer. It was a chance Peter didn’t want to take.

So, now he was left numbly staring into his locker, wondering what he should do. He felt awful for having broken into the school, but it wouldn’t matter for much longer; it was more important to put his books to good use instead of leaving it in the hands of people who didn’t care.

There were many things in there that Peter totally forgot he even had. The obvious physics and bio books were there, he hadn’t forgotten about that. There were also multiple notebooks and pens that he did forget he had. It wasn’t like he didn’t know they existed, it’s just that it didn’t matter to him anymore. What stung the most, though, was seeing that small figurine that Ned left in his locker so that he wouldn’t ditch their plans to build a lego set.

It hurt so much to know that he wouldn’t ever have those moments with him again; gone with him. But he couldn’t be selfish and stay alive for his own happiness; he was hurting people, and Peter was done with it.

Trying to keep his cool and act rationally, Peter stuffed all of the books, pens, and notebooks in his backpack; keeping the figurine in his pocket, not wanting to let the memories go. His backpack barely held itself together given the ridiculous amount of items in it.

It was the perfect analogy, though. Peter was crumbling, not hanging on anymore; his strength about to give out, much like the shoulder straps on his backpack. Now the hard part: giving it all away.

He had already decided where he would take the books; the Queens Public Library would certainly put them to good use, and that’s all Peter could hope for. On the other hand, the task of donating notebooks and pens was a bit harder, solely because he didn’t know what to do with them.

What he did know was that the notebooks would be useless with the used-up pages; there were still many unused pages, and Peter knew they would make the difference for someone. So, Peter tore the used pages out and put them in a smaller pocket to take to a recycling center.

Peter had heard a couple times about the JED Foundation. It was a center where they helped young people with mental illnesses. He had also heard that they used drawing as a form of therapy; maybe he could help someone like him get better. That’s where he would take the rest of the items. He couldn’t save himself; it was almost poetic that his death helped others who struggle.

He had everything he needed, but, for some reason, his legs didn’t move. It seemed like his shoes were glued to the floor, reluctant to let his life go. With a tear running down his cheek, Peter took that first determined step and made his way to the library.

____________________

The Queens Public Library at Forest Hills was well-known to Peter, it felt familiar, and he felt safe. Too many hours he spent browsing the bookshelves with May in hopes to find something interesting to both of them. The memories came flashing to him and he had a hard time standing on his feet.

“What can I do for you, sweetheart? It’s been quite some time since your last visit.”
“Hey, Ms. Johnson, how are you?”
“Oh, stop that, you can call me Maggie, you know that.”
“Listen, I, uh, I brought something – book donations.”

As he put the books in the front desk for Margaret to take, Peter couldn’t miss her stunned expression. It wasn’t hard to guess why she was making that face, but Peter had hoped that no one would question him; it was hard for him to come to terms with reality.

“Why are you giving this away, Peter?”
“You know, uhm, I just – I just thought that, uhm…”
“What’s going on honey? Don’t you need this for school?”

Those were the words that broke him down. Those books were supposed to be with someone who went to school, and that wasn’t him anymore. He mourned that version of him, but he couldn’t go back now.

“Oh, sugar, come here, let me hug you.”

Her strong perfume used to make him gag; it wasn’t a bad smell, but there was way too much of it. This time, though, her embrace was keeping him alive, and he never wanted to let go. They couldn’t hug forever, and Peter was damn near sobbing when she let go and cupped his cheek.

“What’s wrong, Peter? Where’s your aunt? Do you want me to call her in here?”
“N-no, she’s in Sweden, she’s not here; she can’t come. I’m okay, really.”
“Is there anyone else I can call for you? You don’t seem to be okay.”

For a split-second Peter considered telling her to call Tony so he could pick him up. For a split-second, Peter considered being saved. But then the second ended, and he realized he couldn’t call Tony anymore, even if he had memorized his number. He had been a burden to the man for a long time now, and Peter was actively trying to stop being that for him. He didn’t deserve to be helped.

“No, Maggie, seriously, I’m okay, everything’s fine, I’m fine.”
“You can come here anytime you need, okay, Peter?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“You have a nice day, honey; I’m sure whatever’s burdening that head of yours will soon pass.”

Without a reply other than a small smile and a wave, Peter left the library feeling like he just crossed a task off a list of tasks he had to complete before he could finally rest. Rest was a nice word; it sounded much better than death; it seemed much more peaceful.

Trying not to dwell too much into his own mind, Peter stayed on task and headed to the JED Foundation with the remains of his belongings. It was far enough away for him to take the subway, and it brought him conflicting thoughts. For one, the subway was one of his least favorite things about New York. It was usually filthy and smelled exactly like it.

Now that he realized it was probably one of the last times he would ever ride it, Peter felt a bizarre appreciation for it. He didn’t enjoy the experience per se, he just embraced how normal it felt. Everyone in there had their own stories, yet it was a place where that didn’t matter. With all his life he hoped his own story mattered little enough to be an inconvenience to anyone, but the truth was different.

There was this small part of Peter that wanted to enter the suite and scream how badly he wanted to die. After all, their work focused on suicide prevention; maybe he was there for a reason. Yet again, Peter couldn’t bring himself to take aid away from people who actually needed it.

When he walked up to the lady at the front desk, Peter doubted for a second. What if they realized something wasn’t right? What if they call the police? What if they questioned him? What if –

“Welcome to the JED Foundation, what can I do for you?”
“Uhm, yeah, hi, I was going to donate these, so I wondered if you guys have any use for them.”
“Sure! What’s your name?”
“My name’s Peter – Peter Parker.”
“Thank you for your donation, Peter Parker, these will surely help some people out.”

Now, here’s the deal: Peter still had a lot of cash left, and there was no way he would spend all of it. It would be better do give it all away for a good cause than for him to die with it in his pockets. Decidedly, Peter took out the cash he had, saved $200 just in case, and handed the rest to the woman.

“There’s also this, I won’t need it anymore.”
“How old are you, Peter?”
“I’m 15.”
“Do you have anyone I can call for you?”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Well, Peter, donations don’t usually come in the form of cash and it blares an alarm here when that happens, especially now that I know you’re a minor.”
“Oh, no, no, I’m fine, everything’s fine, I’m okay. I won’t need it anymore because, uhm, well, I just won’t; is that okay?”
“Why don’t you sit over there, I’ll go ask how to manage the cash donation, okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine, that’s okay.”

If Peter wasn’t enhanced, chances were he would be in deep shit. But that wasn’t the case. He clearly heard the woman tell another one that he was there; he was a teen and she thought he was at risk for suicide. She also said she wanted to call the police and that was Peter’s cue to leave. There was absolutely no way he would risk it all by staying there.

So, he ran. He heard footsteps behind him, but no one could outrun him, he was faster – Spider-Man was. Peter knew he was far enough away for him to slow down. He realized he was nowhere near the JED Foundation’s office, yet he still ran.

____________________

He recognized where he was now, and some part of him was grateful that he was home now. The last time he was at May’s apartment he had wreaked havoc and made a huge mess in the apartment; a mess Tony saw and had to deal with. It was humiliating and Peter hated it.

When he opened the door, a particular pristine smell entered his nostrils and it finally caught up with his eyes when he saw that the place had already been cleaned. Tony must’ve hired someone for that, and Peter hated himself for having been an inconvenience to the man.

Without much hesitation, Peter went to his bedroom and grabbed the two LEGO sets he had bought a while back; one for Ned and one for himself. Yet, Peter came to the realization that he would never use it; why would he keep it?

Trying to push past the drama of it, Peter took out a piece of paper and a pen, determined to at least say sorry to his best friend. The thing was, when he had the pen in his hand, he couldn’t bring himself to write anything. It was almost like he had forgotten how to phrase his thoughts, and it was frustrating beyond words.

He planned on writing a note telling Ned how sorry he was for failing him and burdening him. He planned on telling Ned that he was a much better friend than Peter would ever deserve. He planned on telling him that he would miss him and that he loved him.

Peter knew what he wanted to say, but the words just wouldn’t translate to his hand. So, he simply wrote ‘I’m sorry’ in a note and pasted it in one of the LEGO boxes. It was almost 6pm and Peter knew he had to move fast. He didn’t want to get caught in the middle of the night as a minor alone on the streets.

Walking to Ned’s apartment building was… sad. There were so many emotions within him, devastation and grief leading the pack, but it had gotten to the point where he just didn’t feel any of it. It was odd; he knew that was what’s going on, but it just didn’t register in his mind.

Unconsciously, Peter walked past Delmar’s shop, and it made a tear run down his face. There were so many memories he had created in that place with the people he loved and now they didn’t matter, because he didn’t matter.

Ned and his family were in the Dominican Republic. He wasn’t there to stop him or do their secret handshake. Leaving the boxes and the note with the man at the front desk of the building was as much as a goodbye as he would get to say. It hurt that that would be it; their friendship over because Peter was selfish and couldn’t handle himself.

He was the one person Peter could trust with pretty much anything. He was one of the few who knew he was Spider-Man, and he didn’t judge him at all, instead helping him navigate through it. Ned was there when Ben died, and he was there with a worried look on his face when Peter skipped lunch or stopped hanging out with them. Ned was a good friend, and Peter didn’t deserve him.

____________________

Almost planned, it started raining. Not a light rain that could be brushed off; it was pouring rain and Peter loved it. The drops falling on his face reminded him of how it felt like to be alive. For a moment, his plans vanished, and he was just a teen enjoying the rain like a little kid. The moment ended.

Everyone around him looked at him like he was insane, some even with disgust, at least that’s what people recognized. Shamefully brought back to reality, Peter ran to the nearest hardware store. The look on the people around him reminded him of the burden he was, and he hated himself for it; he had to be punished.

With an annoyed look from the employees given his dripping frame, and a dismissive attitude, Peter bought three cutters, ready to use them when he arrived home. It seemed like life was telling him it was time for him to go, everyone mad with him and his life officially without purpose.

When he arrived at the apartment, Peter did his best to wring his clothes. May always had a thing about getting to floor wet with rainwater, she always insisted they wring their clothes before coming inside. Peter never liked it, it seemed pretty pointless to him. Now that she wasn’t here, Peter didn’t for a second doubt to wring his shirt as much as he could.

During the entire day, Peter was actively avoiding thinking about May. Leaving her seemed unfathomable, and he didn’t for a second want to think about how his death would impact her. On the long run, though, it would be better for her if he wasn’t here. She had a life of her own, and it was Peter’s fault that she got stuck with him.

There was no harm in saying goodbye, though. It was probably 1am in Sweden; Peter was pretty sure that she would be asleep. She used to be a night owl, but now, with her postgraduate degree, she was determined to do her best and made the most of the day to get a good night’s sleep. So, he called.

“Please leave a message after the tone.”
“Uhm, hey, May. I was just calling to say that I miss you, and that I’m sorry I haven’t been texting you lately, it’s a mess. Yeah, I’m really sorry, May, for everything, you deserve much better. I guess you’re sleeping now so, uhm, I hope you have sweet dreams. I love you, May, and I’m so sorry.”

The tears he had been holding in came flooding down his face when he hung up. Those were the last words he would ever say to her. That was it, and he hated himself. There were so many things to say; so many things to thank her for. His mouth just came up with vague apologies when he should apologize for ruining her life and her future for him.

Peter wondered what would happen if she was awake and heard the message he left for her. Would she call back? Would she come back? Would she call Tony? All the options terrified him, and he knew it was time for him to go. There wasn’t anything else for him to do.

There was a strange sense of peace Peter felt when he walked up to the rooftop of the building. He thought he’d be engulfed by fear, but he wasn’t. He was just existing, already accepting his fate.

The night had cleared up, and the warm summer breeze blew nicely around him. It was almost suspiciously peaceful, but he would take it. Methodically, Peter laid out every bit of food he had bought earlier in the morning, organizing it by category and color. He had never been that kind of guy, but something within him knew it was good.

He was going to die soon enough; it didn’t really matter what he ate. Regardless, he consciously knew he shouldn’t eat, but he couldn’t help it. The care with which he had laid everything out was quickly replaced by an animal hunger that took over him and started eating everything at once.

He started thinking about how much he hated himself, and how much damage he had done to everyone around him. Tony gave him everything Peter would’ve ever dreamed of, and he wasted it all away, also wasting his time, which was embarrassing and mortifying.

May took him in when his parents died; she and Ben took him in as a son, pushing aside any dreams of their own to make sure Peter had everything he wanted. He wasted it all; he was the reason Ben wasn’t alive and why May couldn’t enjoy her own life.

The food was coming into his mouth at a much faster pace than Peter though possible, and he realized he was about to puke. The speed with which the food was entering his mouth made it seem like it would actually block his airway, and that wasn’t Peter’s plan at all. Still, he couldn’t help it; chewing distracted him from the dark thoughts in his head.

Spider-Man was a disappointment; that was probably Peter’s biggest failure of all. He was given abilities he didn’t deserve, and he went and threw it all down the drain by not being good enough. Surely if he had trained more, and if he had eaten less, he would’ve been a much better Spider-Man. But he wasn’t.

Sophie paid the price for it. She had a bright future ahead of her, and Peter had taken it away from her. How could he let that happen? He could’ve saved her, but he didn’t. He deserved death, and she deserved life. It wasn’t fair that the roles were reversed.

That doctor paid the price for his failure, too. He helped so many people in his daily life, and Peter was sure the doctor’s life wasn’t the only one he took. How many people would be alive now if Peter hadn’t killed that doctor? He was a murderer, and Peter knew he had to be stopped.

The food eventually ended, and Peter was left curled up on the floor nauseous and bloated. It felt like death came earlier than he asked it to. What had he even done? This was insane, and he knew he shouldn’t have eaten all of that. Peter was determined to die, but deep inside him, a voice said he didn’t deserve to be full; that every waking moment should be spent in ravenous agony, his fatness being the reason for most of his mistakes.

Without much will, Peter stuck the fingers down his throat and chunks of food came up his throat. It was honestly disgusting, everything he ate hadn’t had the time to properly digest, so there were still pretty solid bits of food coming out of his mouth.

It went on for about 15 minutes. It had all come out already; peter recognized the watermelon flavored SourPatch gummies that now laid on top of a small pile of thrown up food. But he still continued. His knuckles were now red and sore, and he vomited until he bled. That’s when he stopped.

The time had finally come, and Peter was ready to go. He hoped it wouldn’t hurt; that he would simply fall asleep and fade away. Peter wondered what would happen after he died. He wondered if heaven was for real, or if he was destined for hell. Maybe none of that existed and there was nothing after his last breath. It was terrifying.

With shaky hands, Peter took out all the pills he bought alongside the snacks and drinks and started popping them out and into his lap. There were way too many pills, way more than he would care to count. Swiftly, Peter put them all in his mouth, painfully swallowing them. For a moment it seemed like they would come back up much faster than he would’ve expected, but he knew they were down, and they were down for good.

With fear, but at peace, Peter fell asleep, hoping to never wake up; and then, his phone rang.

Notes:

Happy New Year!! I hope everyone has a fantastic 2023 and that this year brings you nothing but happiness and success.

I'm finally getting back on track with writing this fic, so, expect to see updates more often!

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 42: fuck the world 'cause it's my life

Summary:

TW/ suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt

PLEASE check your mental health before reading, this chapter may be triggering for some of you.
Stay safe x.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There’s no manual for how your body reacts when you have enhancements. There was no way for Peter to know that his body would betray him and his pain, and allow him to survive. He truly wished he had told Bruce and Tony that he wanted to test out the real extent of his enhancements, even his metabolism. He surely wouldn’t be in this predicament.

There was a pounding headache that took place, and it was so extreme it almost made Peter vomit. He was disoriented and wasn’t really sure what happened. The last thing he remembered was pain and food; that was about it.

The sun was burning his skin, and he could feel it cracking, the cells in his face about damn near to giving up. It was probably around 9 in the morning; at least that was the closest guess he could get. It was honestly a hit or miss, but it didn’t really matter.

Peter had grown used to sleeping in a perfect mattress, and, having spent the night on the floor, his back resented him. Everything hurt so much, and it got to him; more importantly, his guts. Without a warning, puke came out of his mouth and he was sitting dangerously close to the pool of vomit forming in front of him, threatening to stain his clothes to pair up the stench in his mouth.

It was quiet, suspiciously so. Peter had had his enhancements for a year, give or take. Usually, the issue was that he couldn’t not hear. Everything was always loud, and his ears were usually at their limits. This time, there wasn’t a single sound around him.

For a split second, Peter reveled in it. It was finally silent, and his ears could take a break. If it wasn’t for the cars visibly honking, and how he could feel the noise, Peter would’ve very gladly accepted that his life was now quiet.

It was terrifying at its rawest form, at least that Peter has experienced. He had never experienced anything like it before, and he really hoped he wouldn’t ever again. It was unsurprisingly frustrating, and he hated it. The monster inside him, though; he was having a blast.

This meant he wasn’t far from achieving his goal, and now he knew exactly how much he needed to actually die. Problem was, he had given everything away; he couldn’t possibly buy as much as he wanted, so a deaf, pained head was his current reality, and he had to face it.

When Peter sat, legs crossed, on the floor, he remembered simpler times when he was much younger; playing with his parents and waiting for Ben and May to arrive for a family dinner. This time, Peter sat humiliated and mortified that he couldn’t even kill himself successfully. It disgusted him how useless he was that he couldn’t even die without being an inconvenience.

It didn’t change his plans, though. He was still pretty serious about wanting to die. No one could argue that everyone would be better off without him, and he couldn’t be selfish, especially not now. Peter knew it had to happen today, and this time he wouldn’t fail. All that was left to do was figure out the best way; one that wouldn’t make anyone’s lives harder and that would end his life for good.

Being Spider-Man, Peter was used to feeling tired. He never really ate according to what his body needed, and he was usually tired when he returned home from patrol. The exhaustion that shook every muscle in his body was indescribable. It was like a truck had run him over, and Peter almost wished it had. He just wanted to rest.

Never once did Peter think he was going to make it through the night. After all, when someone intentionally overdoses, they usually succeed and don’t have to deal with anything else. Now he didn’t know what to do. He just didn’t expect to be there.

Most people who survived suicide attempts say they regretted it the moment they made the choice. For Peter, though, it was the exact opposite. He wanted to die, even more than he did two days ago. If he couldn’t properly kill himself, how could he expect to be a good enough, nephew, trainee, or whatever the hell he was to the people in his life? It was just a burden.

No, Peter didn’t regret trying to die. Peter regretted not succeeding, and Peter regretted being alive. He knew that the lady at the JED Foundation had reported him, and the police might be looking for him. What if Tony was looking for him? It was unlikely; he was just a burden in his life, he didn’t care about him, definitely shouldn’t care about him.

The thought that he wasn’t supposed to survive kept haunting him, and Peter couldn’t help but wonder what the hell he was going to do now. The vast majority of people who intentionally attempted against their lives didn’t have any future plans, and Peter wasn’t the exception. He could do pretty much anything, but nothing came to mind.

His deepest desire was seeing what was going on at the Compound. He missed it so much and he missed the familiarity of Sam’s banter or how cozy it felt to have dinner with all the team. It was just devastating that he wouldn’t have that again. Nostalgia made way into his heart, and he couldn’t help but shed a few tears.

If only Ben hadn’t died, he wouldn’t be in this situation; then again, he was to blame for his dead, he fucked up and it cost them all Ben’s life. May would certainly be happier, and life would be so much easier for her. Peter could’ve probably caught the criminals; maybe he could’ve prevented them from murdering anyone else. Peter would’ve probably never starved himself. He would probably be happy.

The thought of everything he could’ve done better was messing with his head, and it was so overwhelming that he screamed; maybe someone would hear him and save him. The thing was, he couldn’t hear anything. It was all silent and it was terrifying. What had he done to himself? Was he now deaf for whatever time he had left? It was a daunting thought.

Thankfully, his spider-sense didn’t die, and he could sense eyes on him. Peter didn’t see anything, but he knew someone saw him and probably heard him scream. What if they called the police? Peter had to leave, so, he did.

____________________

Honestly, he didn’t have a destination. Peter just walked as fast as he could without attracting unnecessary attention and took the subway. He didn’t realize where it was going, but it wasn’t a surprise that his subconscious led him to Coney Island.

There were so many people around him, and maybe he was delirious, but he could feel a lot of them looking his way. The smell was a stench. The food around him was so sweet and greasy, and Peter decided he wouldn’t have any of it. He had seen his puke not so long ago and he felt disgusted by it. It wouldn’t really matter that he didn’t eat; he was going to die soon.

Eventually, Peter made his way to a place he knew too well. When the whole incident with Tony’s plane happened, Peter felt proud of himself. He had stopped the bad guy and prevented Tony’s tech from falling into the wrong hands. But he couldn’t help but feel that he, too, had fucked up.

Liz’ life was destroyed because of him, and he was responsible for her pain and her mother’s. He had also wrecked Tony’s plane. Granted, Peter knew it didn’t mean anything to the man, but it was just another burden to people who didn’t deserve to be handed such a huge mess.

Still, Peter held close to his heart how satisfied he felt with himself and how worthy he felt. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as the voices were telling him it was. Maybe, just maybe, his life was still worth something and he could give himself more time to atone for his sins.

Unfortunately, Peter, too, killed Sophie. That was something that would forever haunt him, and he knew for a fact that he would never forgive himself. He wondered what she would be doing now if he hadn’t fucked up. Maybe she would be preparing for graduation, or, hell, something as simple as the fact that she could’ve been hanging out at Coney Island with her family. Instead, she was lying in a grave he could’ve prevented from existing so early in her time on earth.

His phone was in the smallest pocket of his backpack, and Peter wondered if he was unintentionally avoiding looking at it. But it was a lie. Before falling asleep, Peter recognized a ring. It was a distant one, but it was there and he knew it came from his phone. Yet, he didn’t expect to live long enough to have to deal with it.

Saying he was terrified to see who was the one who called him was an understatement. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good for him, and he didn’t want to call back.

For one, he didn’t want it to be May. She was having a good time in Sweden and Peter would hate to be the cause of her interrupting her life there. Still, he did want it to be May because he just missed her so damn much. Maybe listening to her voice would make everything better. Her comfort and love was the one thing Peter knew would save him.

Now, on the other hand, there was Tony. Peter missed him so much and he realized he now saw him as a parent. It was odd and mortifying, but he knew deep inside him that he could trust him with anything, and that he would come to help him if he just called. He wanted it to be him because, currently, he was the closes thing to family. But he couldn’t do that to him. Tony was a very busy man, and Peter wasn’t worth the trouble.

Should he even check who called him? The battery was about to run out, and he was running out of chances to appease his curiosity with every minute that went by. Eventually, Peter came to the decision to look who it was, it wouldn’t really matter for long. It was probably just a phone company offering some new deal or something.

There were three different unknown numbers, all which called about five times. It was incredibly odd, he didn’t recognize any of them, and he wondered if he should call back. All the calls were made around the same time the night before, so they must’ve been from the same place. What if it was someone he knew? He didn’t want to be found, or at least that’s what he told himself.

Part of him really wanted to call back, but he didn’t know if he should. There were so many things at stake, and Peter wasn’t sure if he was willing to take the chance and make everything fail. Why couldn’t everything just go away? But nothing would matter for very long, so he dialed back.

"Hello?"

As soon as Peter heard Natasha’s voice, he froze. For one, it was surprising that he was regaining his hearing, at least it came at went. He wasn’t expecting that at all, Peter had simply accepted that he wouldn’t hear anything ever again. But the distant noise on the phone proved otherwise.

Calling back was a mistake, he knew he shouldn’t have called. Hearing her voice gave his brain a slight glimpse of hope, and he was all out. He stayed completely silent, not really knowing what to say, until she did.

"If it’s you, Peter, stay put. We’re looking for you, okay? Everything’s going to be okay."

Before she could feed him any more lies, Peter freaked out and immediately hung up. His lungs were having a hard time cooperating with him, and Peter started hyperventilating like never before. He shouldn’t have called. He was wasting everyone’s time and Peter didn’t deserve it. He should die; he wasn’t worthy of their concerns.

Peter was wrapped in his own mind, and he was back at square one, his hearing gone again. The unpredictability of it was frustrating, and he hated it. That didn’t mean that nothing else was working. His sense spiked and it freaked him out. He couldn’t hear anything, but he saw a crowd gathering and he knew that it was something worth checking out. In an attempt to guard his face so no camera could get it, Peter put his hoodie cap on. Maybe he would have to intervene, and the last thing he needed was for everyone to figure out who he was.

There was a worker who was barely holding on to one of the trails in the Cyclone. Peter wasn’t really sure what happened, but it seemed like he lost his balance and fell. He could see everyone with the intention of helping them; most of them calling 911, but Peter knew they wouldn’t make it in time.

It was definitely stupid, and Peter knew he would regret it, but he took out his web shooters and pulled the strings in his hoodie cap to hide his face as much as he could. Maybe there was hope for him, and maybe this was the final test.

Trying to stay focused, Peter swung to the top of the rollercoaster and saw how big the crowd was. Most of them were recording and taking pictures, and Peter hated how exposed he felt without his suit. The thing he hated most, though, was how he still couldn’t hear much, it was more of a distant echo, so he hoped his words got across.

“Don’t worry, sir, everything’s going to be okay; I’m gonna get you out of here.”

Peter didn’t really expect him to reply, he was evidently terrified, but his slight nod reassured Peter that he heard him, and that he trusted him. Peter hated that fact, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

Being bitten by a radioactive spider gave Peter superhuman strength, and he was so grateful for it, otherwise he couldn’t have pulled the man up. Nevertheless, evidently, luck was never on his side. As he was about to get the man’s entire body up, his feet slipped, and in the blink of an eye, both of them were falling face froward to the ground.

It all happened so fast, and Peter didn’t really know what was going on. He could feel the man’s panic as he clung to Peter’s chest, and that was what blared an alarm in Peter’s brain. Instinctively, Peter clutched him closer to him and threw a web to the nearest building he had in sight, the New York Aquarium Education Hall.

For a single moment, Peter thought he had finally done something right. He believed that he had actually saved the man and that everything would be okay, but it wasn’t. They were going fast, way faster than Peter could remember ever swinging, and the web broke.

So many things ran through Peter’s brain, but, most of all, he feared for the man he was holding. Peter could die, for all he cared about, but that didn’t mean that he had any right at all to take someone alongside him. This man had to survive, and, for a small second, Peter considered maybe giving himself another day if he managed to do something right.

It all happened too fast; first they were heading face forward to the wall, and the next second, Peter’s back took the impact and he felt one of his ribs cracking. But the man was alive, and he would gladly take any broken bone instead of taking someone else’s life.

Peter didn’t notice at first, but the man had fallen to his knees. It wasn’t like Peter expected the man to leave without a scratch but hoping never killed anyone. Peter’s body, though, it fell like a rock to the ground, and he wondered if he could even move. He hoped he could, otherwise people would start gathering around them and his face would be exposed.

For a long time, Peter wanted someone to notice who he was and help him out of the self-hatred hole he had dug on his own. Now that there was a plausible chance of that happening, there was nothing Peter dreaded more.

He was sore all over, and he wondered how bad the damage was. He could feel a cracked rib, but he didn’t know if his spine took a hit, too. What if he was now paralyzed? It scared him shitless to know there was a chance he would have to stay still waiting for people to see how pathetic he looked.

Tony would know what to do. Hell, if Tony had been there, none of this would’ve happened and everything would be okay. Peter just wanted to call him, more than anything. He knew for a fact that he would be by his side in the blink of an eye, but Peter wasn’t about to be selfish now. This whole thing was to stop being a burden, and Peter would rather die than have Tony clean up his mess, again.

All Peter knew for a fact was that he was hurt, that it was excruciating, and that he needed help. The problem was, though, he didn’t know how to ask for it, or even if he deserved it. He had to run, there was no way he would stay there, it was too risky. No one had seen Spider-Man in days, and it would be very suspicious if a random teenager showed up shooting webs, he couldn’t risk it.

The chances that he could move were slim, or so it felt like. Peter’s body was begging for him to stay put and wait for help, but he just knew it was the wrong choice. He had to move. Reason told him that he shouldn’t, but it was now too late for him to go and reveal his identity.

Peter was way too wrapped up in his own mind to register that the man was looking at him. He couldn’t quite yet know if the look in his eyes had fear or gratefulness, and it scared him. What if he was hurt and it was Peter’s fault?

One thing Peter recognized was the man vocalizing the word ‘Spider-Man’ and Peter went pale. He didn’t yet know his name, but he had seen his face. What happens now? The only people who knew about him being Spider-Man were the Avengers, Pepper, Happy, and Ned. He couldn’t even imagine how catastrophic it would be if a random man knew who he was.

They locked eyes, and it seemed like time stood still for a moment, but then that moment came to an end with a pained scream coming from the man, and his side hitting the ground, his hands holding his left knee. Peter was no doctor, but, with the share of knowledge he had on injuries, Peter was fairly sure he had broken it.

It was his fault. The man was in pain because of him. If he hadn’t screwed up, he wouldn’t be in pain. If only he had put more work into his web fluid, they wouldn’t be in this situation.

For a single second, Peter considered going back to the Compound and ask for help. After all, if he succeeded at saving the man, maybe he was worth saving. But now that wasn’t even a slight chance. It didn’t matter that the man actually survived; to Peter’s eyes, having a broken knee was just as bad, he was hurt because of Peter.

It was laughable, really. Even when he tried, he still failed. How good could he ever be if he couldn’t successfully save anyone? His life wasn’t worth living, and he was done waiting for an excuse to think otherwise.

With that in mind, he got up. The scream of pain he let out was inhumane, and he saw some people looking his way, but he tried running, anyway. Everything hurt, and he was, again, limping. Though, this time his back was arched; if he dared straighten it, he was sure the pain would kill him before he had the chance to do it himself. He deserved the pain.

It was getting to the point of unbearable, and Peter just couldn’t handle it anymore. His mere existence was hurting people, and he was done being a burden for everyone. With that in mind, he took the subway to Brooklyn Bridge. He was going to jump.

____________________

Most people said that Brooklyn Bridge held one of the most beautiful views in the city. It allowed whoever watching to see the skyline, and it was just mesmerizing. Peter used to see it that way, too. This time it was different; he just couldn’t wait to be gone, and he didn’t have enough focus to think of anything else.

There were so many tourists, and for a second Peter thought about delaying it until later in the day. It was 7pm, and it was very very busy. New York was always full off tourists, especially during the summer, and Peter regretted it the second he stepped foot on the bridge. He had made up his mind, and he wouldn’t turn back now.

He couldn’t blame them, really. Peter knew his sight was pitiful, the arched back and the limping would make anyone turn their eyes the other way. It didn’t make Peter feel any less of a creep with everyone looking at him with pity and concern. He definitely should’ve done this later.

Tourists have phones, and they have social media. What if he drew a crowd? Peter immediately shook his head; it was a ridiculous thought. He didn’t deserve anyone’s concern; his life just didn’t matter anymore. In any case, his ears were still being stubborn, and he was barely hearing anything, maybe it was a good thing.

No one could read his mind, and no one knew his real intention. To anyone else, he was just a kid standing in the middle of the bridge facing the governor’s island. No one really cared if he had other plans in mind.

It was just so…odd. When he was a kid, Peter didn’t really know – wasn’t really aware – of the pain some people felt. He had seen a couple times in the news people who took their own lives and Peter just didn’t understand. That was back then when he hadn’t completely screwed up.

He was about to turn 16 years old, and he had already killed two people. Who could ever argue that his life was worth living? Granted, a lot of people told him it wasn’t his fault, that he wasn’t the one who killed them. Peter knew better, though. He might’ve not been the one to pull the trigger or push the man off the building, but he could’ve done something more about it, and he just hadn’t.

What right could he have to live if he was to blame for two people losing theirs? It was unfair, and Peter couldn’t live with himself like that. It would be better for everyone.

Objectively, Peter knew his death would devastate May. After all, he wasn’t an idiot, and he knew that he was important to her and her life. But, on the long run, it would be better. She would finally have time to herself, and she wouldn’t be burdened with a child who wasn’t any good.

Similarly, Peter knew that, in a much lesser degree, his death would impact Tony. At the same time, though, it would be so much easier for the man if Peter was gone. He had never once heard Tony say that he wanted children, and now he was left with one he didn’t ask for, and that was more trouble than he was worth.

He was awfully close to the place where Tony had taken the suit away from him. Yet, he was awfully close to the place where Tony told him he was good and that he could ask for help if needed to. There was just no way, though. He had, carelessly, left his backpack at the beach, and he had no way to ask for help. This was it and there was nothing he could do about it.

Peter saw a crowd gathering around him; maybe some of them knew what his intention was, or maybe they were just watching the sunset. It was still a possible scenario, and Peter would rather think that than the alternative. Eventually, he decided to just not care about it.

Peter made his choice, and these people didn’t care about him, who he was, or what he chose to do with his life. No one knew his sins, and no one knew that he deserved this. If anyone dared ask, Peter would simply stay quiet. He doubted it, though. No one cared about him, and no one was going to stop him.

With a deep breath, and a pained, hunched back, Peter got over the fence and walked over the metal plan to the edge of the bridge. It was such a beautiful sunset, and Peter was glad that that was to be his last sight, at least his mind felt peace for a moment.

The wind was strong, and he worried that it would take him away. He was standing there, and his whole body was too unstable to think that it would hold itself for long. How embarrassing would that be? A kid trying to kill himself slips and falls; it was shameful and ridiculous.

Peter knew that the people who had gathered behind him were screaming at him, and his other senses were heightened enough to feel people dialing 911 and recording the whole situation. It didn’t matter anymore, nothing did; in a minute, he was falling, the wind to his face, and peace in his mind.

“I’m sorry.”

Notes:

I can't believe I actually posted this so soon omg. Tony's POV coming somewhat soon and it's going to be a long one ;)

What did you guys think? Did you like the chapter? Let me know!

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 43: I'm gonna take it back

Summary:

TW/

anxiety, suicide mention, small mention of addiction

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It really wasn’t his intention to get lost in his thoughts, his lab was sort of a safe space for him, and, when he was in there, everything else faded away and he could just shut off the world. Never once did Tony think that something so astronomically terrible would happen when he was in there. Immediately he knew that this would be one of his biggest regrets.

“FRIDAY, do me a solid and call Peter to dinner.”

Tony wanted to talk to Peter. There was something that didn’t sit quite right with the way he behaved at lunch, and it just felt off. Things were heated and then, from one moment to the other, it was like nothing ever happened.

Tony just wanted things to be good with them. Maybe then he could fool himself into thinking things were okay and that he was eating just fine. Deep inside him, Tony knew he was wrong, and his gut feeling was begging him to lock Peter up and make sure he wouldn’t ever hurt himself again.

Truth was, though, he never had any experience with kids. Hell, he couldn’t even take care of himself. How could he be expected to take care of such an extraordinary child? Peter was too good, and Tony feared he was the wrong choice.

Maybe he could’ve talked to Peter about Spider-Man coming back. Maybe then, Peter would’ve settled down and listen to him. Tony wouldn’t have been truthful, but he knew that Peter was very fragile, and he probably needed something to hold on to. Regardless, there was nothing tangible that was wrong; Tony couldn’t exactly go and tell him off at nothing.

It was now clear that he was right to be scared shitless for Peter’s life. Now he knew that he wasn’t fit to take care of Peter. There was nothing he could do, though. He had to work on himself to be enough of a parental figure to Peter.

“I’m sorry, boss, I can’t locate Peter within the Compound’s grounds.”

It was so… odd. Tony couldn’t really figure out what went wrong. Peter ate, and he talked, and he even laughed. There was nothing he could’ve actually noticed, right? One thing he did know for sure was that he had to keep his mind clear, otherwise he was sure he wouldn’t find Peter in time.

Now, the hard thing was to actually figure out what to do. He wasn’t exactly fond of the idea of telling the entire team that Peter might’ve gone off running away again, but Tony also knew that Peter wouldn’t have done this if it wasn’t serious. Chances were, he would have to need all hands on deck, maybe even more than last time.

What if he wasn’t just running away, though? Tony didn’t want to think about the alternative, and everything seemed to be okay; yet, everything felt wrong. Now, Tony knew himself, and he knew that he had to keep himself steady, otherwise nothing would get done and he would regret it. Maybe, just maybe, Peter hadn’t actually run away. Maybe he screwed up and FRIDAY was glitching.

More than an hour went by, and Tony still couldn’t find anything wrong with FRIDAY’s programming. He really hoped that he was wrong and that he missed something, so he dreaded the moment he came to the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with her.

“Where was his last known location?”
“The front gate, sir, but there’s no further tracking record.”

There were so many questions in Tony’s head, and he realized there was just one place he could even begin to get answers. So, he headed to Peter’s room in hope to find something, anything.
____________________

There was nothing. The room was pristine clean and it was odd in a way Tony couldn’t find any more terrifying. He didn’t for a second trust that a teenager’s boy room would ever be so tidy. Peter was never a messy kid, but this was way too much.

Part of him was relieved that it wasn’t complete chaos and a mess, but maybe that would’ve been better, maybe that would give him something to hold on to. But there wasn’t anything, so he had to examine the room part by part. The first obvious choice was the closet, it just seemed like it would be easier to find something hidden there than any other place in the way too clean room.

Every second it got harder. What Tony found wasn’t a clue, but it broke his heart. Tony already knew that Peter self-harmed, and he never really gave any thought to what was involved in it. Peter made an effort to clean it all out, but he missed one tissue with dried-up blood. It sent chills up his spine.

There weren’t any clothes that Tony could notice were missing, everything seemed to be okay and it was so bizarre. The bathroom was the same, everything was fine and nothing seemed to be off. But it didn’t for a second feel that way.

Hopeless, Tony went to the desk and expected to find it empty, but it wasn’t. Everything Tony had given Peter was perfectly laid out in it. It was freaking him out because this very clearly meant that Peter wasn’t planning on coming back, and he dreaded the thought of what Peter was doing. It all felt much worse than the last time he ran way. There was this gut feeling that Tony was ignoring like the plague, but deep down, Tony feared that Peter was planning on killing himself.

No. That wouldn’t happen. He wasn’t about to allow that to happen. He had plenty experience on dealing with dire situations, and he was sure he would figure this out and Peter would be okay. Peter was just running away again. Peter was going to be fine, and he would make sure of it.

There was something that caught Tony’s attention, and he feared the worst. There was a letter carefully placed in the left side of the desk, and it almost seemed too obvious that it was a suicide letter. There was absolutely no way, and Tony wasn’t ready for that. So, he didn’t read it; it stayed where it was, and he put the thought in the back of his brain.

How was he supposed to look for Peter when there was nothing to go on with? It just felt like it wouldn’t be so easy this time, if it could ever be called that. It was just so scary to think that it was time for everyone to know for real what happened and what the stakes were.

Chances were that they would have to really understand what was going on, and Tony knew that he had to be blunt about it if he ever hoped to explain how serious it was.

Tony was really trying to be patient and understanding, but he hated himself for trusting someone who had done nothing but lie to get away with their self-destruction. Peter was so evidently off and Tony just didn’t see it. Even after all of this, there was a part of Tony that still wanted to trust Peter, and Tony was the one to blame.

Freaking out alone in Peter’s bedroom wasn’t going to help anyone, and he knew he had to start somewhere and talk to someone, he just didn’t know who. It would probably have to be Rhodey or Bruce.

For one, Rhodey was his best friend and he had gotten Tony through so much bullshit. He was his voice of reason and could understand him; he would know what to do.

Regardless, Bruce had already seen what was going on with Peter, and he already knew the situation. At least, as far as they falsely thought, he had seen Peter at his worst; and he would eventually find out anyway.

It didn’t take long for Tony to realize that everyone would eventually find out, so, he decided to tell them both. The more help he had, the better, and it was starting to feel like a hopeless mission. Not even 5 minutes went by before both Rhodey and Bruce were standing at Peter’s bedroom door after FRIDAY called them there; Tony was immensely grateful that they were both in their bedrooms.

“What’s going on, Tones? What’s up?”
“Where’s Peter?”
“Peter’s gone.”
“What do you mean gone? What even happened?”
“How do you know he’s actually gone, Tony?”
“You don’t understand. He’s gone. Everything he had before coming to leave here is gone, he left everything I gave him, everything’s here. I-I don’t have anything to find him with.”
“Come on, Tony, I’m sure we’ll figure something out, he’s going to be okay.”
“You don’t get it, Rhodey; I have to be honest, he might be in real danger this time.”

Suddenly, the environment in the room turned completely somber and Bruce knowingly looked down. Both Tony and Bruce knew exactly what that meant, but Rhodey seemed to be completely clueless about it, which made it all the harder to explain.

“What does that even mean, Tones? What the hell is going on?”

It would never be easy to talk about self harm, eating disorders, and what it meant for enhanced teenagers. Tony knew that, but he never expected it to be so hard. It pained him to explain how he found Peter tearing open his arm, or how Stephen Strange had told him that he was barely alive because he was fading away into weightlessness.

Rhodey looked entirely perplexed, and like he was having a hard time coming to terms with what Tony just said. He couldn’t blame him, though. No one would ever believe that was something that was happening to someone who always seemed to bubbly and happy.

“He probably ran away, Tony; like last time. We’ll find him, I’m sure of it.”
“I don’t know, this time it seems different, it feels wrong.”
“What do you mean, Bruce?”
“Peter isn’t the kind of kid that does something like that twice in a row.”

Tony disconnected from the conversation and started pacing around the room. It was odd how his mind was running a million miles an hour, but it was entirely blank. There was nothing he could think of for him to make things better, and that enraged him. He was a fixer, and this time he didn’t have a clue how to make things better.

“What do you want us to do, Tony?”

Now that was a funny question. Tony had absolutely no idea where to even start, he had no idea what to _do_, let alone tell others what they should od. It was all just a big mess and he had no idea how to start sorting it out.

“Do you want me to call Pepper, Tones?

Rhodey was a lifesaver. Tony was so eternally grateful that they had known each other for so long that he understood the slight nod on his head and then got out of the room to call her. That left both him and Bruce alone, having the latter sit by his side and placing his hand on his shoulder. For some reason, it made Tony break down, and he was starting to actively lose his mind.

“Everything will be alright, Tony, we’ll find him.”
“How do you know that?”
“I think it’s time we tell everyone, we’re gonna need their help, Tony, you know that.”
“What would I even say? I have absolutely no idea what we’re gonna do.”
“You don’t have to tell them everything, you know? They’ll understand.”

Tony did not want to tell them. He really tried, but trusting them was hard, and this was probably the biggest challenge of his life; not necessarily something you’d like the help from the ones who betrayed you. But Burce was right, they did need their help. He would tell them that Peter was missing and that he was at risk. No one needed to know that he might kill himself or that he was starving himself.

“Pepper’s coming in the morning, Tony.”
“Thanks.”
“Whatever you need, man.”

Would it actually be possible that Peter could kill himself? Even the slight chance of that happening shook Tony to his core and it made any rational thought leave his body. Truth of the matter was that it was a real possibility, and, even if it broke him down, he had to be prepared.

“We’re gonna go downstairs, Tony; I’ll gather everyone up.”
“I’ll be right down, I have to – I have to call his aunt.”
Oh god, what was he even going to tell her? The last time Tony was sure that he had it under control, even if Peter was in a pretty rough shape, Tony was confident he’d be able to sort it all out. This time, though, there was a real possibility that Peter was in real danger, and May had to know, even if he dreaded it. There was also the fact that May was his guardian, and maybe she’d know where he could’ve gone; that could give them something to start off.

“Do you know what time it is, Tony? What’s going on?”
“I don’t know how to say this – Peter’s missing.”
“What did you just say?”
“He’s not here; he ran away.”
“What do you mean he ran away? Shouldn’t you be able to track him?”
“He didn’t take anything with him, I was hoping you’d know where he could’ve gone.”
“Tony, I’m in Sweden and my kid is missing. How the fuck did you let this happen?”
“I’m arranging for my plane to get you back here, my team’s sorting out the details. We’ll find him, May, I promise you.”
“He’s gonna turn up soon, probably with Ned, he’s fine; everything’s gonna be okay.”
“Let me know when you’re at the airport.”

After hanging up, a deep pain set in Tony’s chest. Maybe not telling May that Ned went on vacation and that there wasn’t a chance that Peter was with him was a mercy. Maybe not telling her that Peter could kill himself was a mercy. Maybe Tony was just sparing her from the pain he was now feeling. She didn’t need to add a suicide concern when she was thousands of miles away.

Ten minutes went by, and Tony was gathering strength to go downstairs and face everyone. He was just about to stand up when he got the call; there was a storm in northern Europe and all planes were grounded, no way in or out. Tony understood that it was too dangerous, but he also knew that May would be destroyed, and he just didn’t know how to tell her.

Like many times before, life proved Tony that Pepper was his lifeline. Just as he was about to call May, Pepper called him, instead. It was a pretty brief conversation, actually. Pepper had mastered the art to get to the point while still being polite, something Tony still struggled with. After explaining the situation, Pepper promised she’d be home as soon as she could. More importantly, though, she said that she’d call May herself, and it took a huge weight off Tony’s shoulders. Now he had to start searching.

____________________

It was late; at least late enough for any sane person to consider it ridiculous to be chatting about what to order for dinner. That was what everyone was doing, though. It was kind of scary how, to them, nothing was wrong and like this was like any other night.

The times when Tony had to face difficult situations were countless, but this was like no other. He had no clue about how to even begin to explain what was going on. There were so many things that had to be talked over that it became overwhelming. Rhodey and Bruce were talking with the others, and he hoped they’d notice that he was hanging by a thread. It wasn’t them who noticed.

Steve looked at him and Tony knew that he realized something wasn’t right. Even if he was still pissed off about… everything, Tony knew that Steve had the best intentions at heart, and he was grateful that he noticed.

“What’s wrong, Tony?”

He wanted to talk; he really did. Tony knew that the sooner he explained what was going on, the sooner they’d find Peter. But words weren’t coming out of his mouth. He just leaned against the door frame and sighed, not finding the right words to say. Thankfully, he didn’t have to.

“Peter’s missing and we need your help.”
“You knew, Rhodey?”
“When did you last see him?”
“Did he run away again?”
“Can we track him?”
“Are we sure he’s not in the Compound?”
“What can we do?”

Tony was grateful that everyone was concerned; he realized that they cared deeply about Peter, and he knew that they’d do anything to find him. Words just weren’t coming out of Tony’s mouth. He didn’t really know how to tell them the reality of the situation and how monumentally he screwed up.

They probably realized that Tony wasn’t speaking, so they spoke among one another. Tony could hear them strategizing and brainstorming ways to find Peter, and he could also hear some of them with what seemed to be a knot on their throats. Peter was special, and everyone knew it. Someone yanked him to the side and he lost balance for a second.

“What’s going on, Tony? For real.”
“Couldn’t your wonderboy ass be a bit gentler?”
“What’s happening, Tony? We can’t help if you don’t let us.”
“I screwed up big time, Rogers.”
“What do you mean?”
“Peter’s in danger; I don’t know what to do.”
“Just say the word; whatever you need.”

Tony had vague ideas of what should be done, but he remained quiet. It seemed like, if he said something, he would screw it up. Peter didn’t deserve that; he deserved someone who actually knew how to help him. Right now, that wasn’t him, and Tony hated himself for it.

“Everything’s going to be okay, Tony. We’re gonna find him and he’s gonna be fine. You should stay in the Compound, you’re too worked up to go out looking for him.”

Tony smiled, and it seemed like, for the first time in the entire night, there was a small glimpse of hope. There was something in Steve’s voice that let him believe that maybe things would be okay. He finally spoke up.

“We don’t have anything to track him with, he left everything behind. Peter’s not on the Compound, but he couldn’t have gone far, he left approximately three hours ago.”
“Kid’s probably in the woods like last time.”
“Unlikely, Wilson; Peter’s not that kind of kid.”
“Still, we’ll look everywhere, Tones.”
“Bucky and I will look on the ground.”
“That’s good, Steve. I’ll be on the air; you coming, Sam?”
“Lead the way, Rhodes.”
“I’ll take Wanda and Clint on the Quinjet, we’ll scan the area.”
“Thanks, Nat.”
“Take care of him, Banner; he looks like a wreck.”

And so, everyone was gone, and Tony was left with Bruce sitting silently in the kitchen island, hands in his head, and his heart breaking. How could he let this happen? Why didn’t he notice anything earlier? How could he be –

“What do you need, Tony?”
“I need to find Peter.”
“You need to keep your head cool, otherwise you’ll get nothing done. I’m sure we’ll find him, and everything will be okay.”
“What if we don’t?”
“What if he –”
“He’s not going to do that, Tony; we’re gonna find him. But Natasha was right, you look like crap, buddy.”
“I’m fine, I need to go look for him.”
“You need to sleep, Tony, you’re not gonna get anything done being so worked up. I’ll take charge of everything, but you passing out again won’t do anyone any good.”

Bruce was right. Tony knew that Bruce was right. What Tony didn’t know was how he was going to get any sleep knowing his kid wasn’t safe. Tony had dealt with demons plenty of times, but the ones that would haunt him for this would be merciless and Tony knew that; it was frightening.

“Where the hell is he, Banner?”
“Come on, Tony, Peter’s your kid; is there any place at all that you think he could’ve gone to?”
“Peter’s a brilliant kid.”
“Yes, Tony, he is; what are you thinking?”
“He probably wouldn’t go to Queens, he doesn’t want to be found, otherwise he would’ve taken his stuff with him.”
“That’s good, Tony, we can narrow it down.”
“I don’t think he’ll go far. He doesn’t have a lot of money on him and he couldn’t have walked that far away.”
“He’s gotta be nearby.”

The last time they were in this situation, Peter had taken a bus. What if he had taken it again? The thought was frustrating. If he did take the bus, there was no telling where it went to. Maybe he went north, but he could’ve headed south, too. It wasn’t of much use to try and find a bus where he might be on; buses didn’t have cameras. But Tony was desperate, and he was willing to try anything at all.

“He could’ve gone to the bus station.”
“You hear that, Sam?”
“Loud and clear, Bruce. Heading there now.”
“Check the footage, maybe he was there earlier.”

Deep down, Tony knew that what he was doing was useless, still, he poured himself a generous glass of scotch. He hadn’t felt the need to drink in such a long time, but this beat him. He didn’t miss Bruce’s look and he was forced to look up.

“Tony…”
“Don’t ‘Tony’ me, Bruce. Peter’s missing and I’m the one to blame.”
“You know this won’t help anyone, Tony.”
“I don’t know what to do; my kid’s out there on his own doing god knows what to himself.”
“Drinking won’t change anything, buddy, you need to be sober to help Peter.”

Tony was too wrapped up in his own mind to notice Bruce moving. He didn’t really care, he only had space in his mind for Peter. He only had space to think about how bruised he could be, and how he was probably alone and scared. The next thing Tony knew, though, was that Bruce incredibly gently took the scotch out of his hand and placed a cup of coffee in its place.

“Take this instead, you’ll thank me later.”

A huff was the only thing that escaped Tony’s mouth, even though he knew that Bruce was right. Truth was that he had a very hard time controlling what he once knew to be comfort and control. Those were things he desperately needed but didn’t know where else to get them from.

What if this is what Peter felt, too? What if Tony was too oblivious and didn’t realize that his kid was haunted by demons, too? What if he could’ve done something? None of his questions were answered and he was left in a silent kitchen with a cup of coffee and a friend by his side.

____________________

Everyone was exhausted. They all came into the main building looking completely demolished, but what was worse, with a defeated expression in their faces. Tony woke up as soon as they entered the building; he had fallen asleep on the kitchen island, too many things to worry about to even considered laying on a couch.

At around 2am, May called. She sounded desperate and was crying more than Tony had ever heard before. It was particularly hard to think that there was nothing he could do, but he still had to reassure her. Being stuck in Sweden with no way to come back, Tony had to be enough for her to believe that Peter would be okay. Hearing her beg him to find him broke his heart, and there wasn’t much else that Tony remembered saying other than promising that he would find Peter.

Everyone was out looking for Peter and Tony knew that they were all exhausted. That didn’t for a second mean that he truly rested. His night was spent hacking every camera all over the area to see if there was anything at all. He had hoped that a small figure would appear and it would be his kid, but there wasn’t anything.

When everyone entered the room at 7am, they were all silent, and they all looked like crap. Tony never said it enough, but he was grateful to have them, and he was grateful to be part of a team like that. One by one, each of them said what Tony feared: they had found nothing. It was something he expected, but still crushed him to hear.

“I – I just; thank you.”
“We’re going again in a couple of hours; just need to recharge.”
“Steve’s right. We’re not gonna give up, Tones, and neither should you.”
“Everyone should go get some proper rest; we’ll go out at midday.”
“I’m coming, too. I can’t stay put any longer; we’re gonna go find my kid.”

____________________

Midday arrived sooner rather than later, and there was a part of Tony that dreaded that time. He couldn’t really rest, not at all. Even if he did fall asleep, there was very little that brought him comfort enough to be able to get anything that resembled a good night’s sleep.

Just as everyone was gathering around in the main kitchen to eat whatever was in their way that got them out the door in the least amount of time possible, Tony’s lifeline entered the building. Pepper arrived later than Tony had hoped for, but she was here now, and he felt like he could breathe. Immediately, she hugged him tighter than she ever had before, and it felt like home.

“We’re gonna find him, Tony, everything’s going to be okay.”
“Thank you for coming, honey.”
“What do you need me to do?”

Honestly, Tony’s mind had very little in it. The only thing that was actually there was Peter and how to find him. Pepper always knew what to do; there was no one who could actually tell her. Tony simply knew she would know.

Maybe he stayed silent for a little too long; the next thing Tony knew was that she was cupping his cheek with a concerned look on her face. It was there when he saw that she had a plan, and that brought some comfort to him. Their dynamic was weird to most, but they understood each other; she gave him just the right push he needed.

“Go find our kid, I’ll take care of everything else.”

With a smile and a kiss on her cheek, Tony left the building, not really noticing that everyone had already left to find Peter. Instead of heading straight out, Tony went to meet Bruce in his lab. Lately, Tony found that he was a friend he could trust, and that was something he needed to get started.

“Hey, Tony, how did you sleep?”
“You got anything for me, Banner?”
“Everyone’s already gone searching different areas. We could use some narrowing down, you know?”
“What if I was wrong?”
“What do you mean?”
“What if he did go to Queens?”

It made sense that Peter wouldn’t go to Queens, but maybe Tony got to that conclusion earlier than appropriate. Maybe he wanted some familiar comfort, and there was nowhere else Tony could think of that would get him that.

“FRIDAY, pull up any security cameras footage; search for anyone resembling Peter.”
“These are videos captured earlier today, boss.”

Images of Peter leaving Walmart and heading to the park appeared in front of him, and he felt slight relief. Peter was alive, and they now knew where he was in the morning. After that, he could see Peter leaving his high school’s building. It was odd, to say the least, but Tony was happy to see that they had more to go on with. The last footage that came up was entering a library that Tony recognized. Peter had talked about it a couple of times; he went there and now he knew.

“No further footage in Queens at this time.”
“Any other footage in different boroughs?”

It was taking some time, and Tony didn’t waste any. This was good, and he wasn’t going to waste the opportunity.

“FRIDAY, get the team on the line.”
“Already did, sir.”
“Everyone listen up: Peter was in Queens earlier today; scan the area, he’s in New York.”

 

“This is amazing, Tony, it’s fantastic news.”
“I’m leaving; call me if anything else comes up.”

With his new nanotech suit quickly wrapping around his body, and an amazed look from Bruce, Tony left the building through the window, finally having some hope that Peter would be okay.

____________________

Tony knew it was futile to go to the Walmart on the footage or to Peter’s high school. No one really knew him and he was just another citizen. So, he headed to the library. Peter had told him that the woman working there was close to him and May; she’d definitely know more about his whereabouts. Instead of telling the team to head there, he told them to look around the borough. Now that he knew that he had come to Queens, maybe he was looking for places to stay.

“I must be losing it if I’m seeing things right. What is Tony Stark doing at this library?”
“Good afternoon – Ms. Johnson, is it?”
“Just Margaret.”
“Well, Margaret, I was wondering if you recently received a visit from Peter Parker – 5’8, brown curly hair, kinda scrawny…”
“Oh yes, Peter. Poor thing seemed pretty shaken up.”
“So he was here.”
“He needed help but I didn’t know who to call.”
“What was he doing here.”
“He dropped some schoolbooks, mostly biology and math, some english here and there. What about school? What is he going to study with?”
“I have known him for a long time now, but I haven’t seen him like that.”
“Do you know where he could’ve gone?”
“Other than his apartment, I don’t really know. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.”
“No, that’s alright. Thank you, Margaret, have a nice day.”

Ever since the whole situation with Aldrich Killian, Tony was actively working on keeping his anxiety at bay. He even talked to Bruce about it and, unbelievably to many, he had actually helped Tony come up with some healthier coping mechanisms.

Not now, though. Tony could feel the anxiety building up in his chest and blocking his airway. There weren’t many reasons why he would give away his stuff other than Tony’s greatest fear. That sole thought made Tony’s jaw clench, and he had to try his best to collect himself to keep looking.

“Sir, I have updates.”
“Well, what are you waiting for?”
“I’m still looking through security cameras, but a police report was just filed. It reported a kid called Peter that matches Peter’s description.”
“Where was it filed?”
“JED’s Foundation, sir.”
“Point me to them.”

So, with FRIDAY’s guidance, Tony flew to Manhattan. He wasn’t oblivious; everyone was looking at him and probably wondering what Tony Stark was doing at a center for juvenile suicide prevention. But Tony didn’t care. The only thing he cared about was finding out what Peter was doing there.

Now, Tony knew he was smart, and it didn’t take a genius to know why Peter was there. Then again, Tony didn’t want to accept the chance that Peter was actually planning on taking his own life. If anything, Tony tried to fool himself into thinking that he went there looking for help, but he was proven wrong.

“Excuse me, I’m here about a police report that was filed not so long ago.”
“Are you responsible for him?”
“Yes, I’m in charge of him. What happened?”
“Peter came in earlier and donated craft materials and a very large cash donation. It’s protocol to hand these cases to the police.”
“Do you have anything else? Have they gathered anything?”
“Not that I’m aware of, I fear. Here, this is the number to contact the detective that took the case.”
“Thanks.”

The lady at the front desk didn’t say anything else but was left with her mouth wide agape when Tony left a very big cheque as a donation. With everything that was going on, Tony really appreciated their work, and he hoped he could make a difference.

Just as Tony was leaving the building ready to scream in frustration, the team line activated, and he feared what they could say. All Tony could feel lately was fear and anguish, and he hated himself thinking that that’s how Peter was probably feeling but he couldn’t do anything about it.

“There’s nothing, we’ve looked everywhere in Queens, he’s not here.”
“He must be here somewhere, we just have to look more carefully, we’ll find him soon, we’re close.”
“Tony, we don’t know what else to do. It’s getting dark and there aren’t many places we haven’t already searched in. We could have a stake out, but we need a location. We can’t monitor all of New York City, Tony.”
“I know, Rogers.”

It probably came out harsher that he intended it to. Tony knew that Steve was right, but it was still beyond frustrating that this would be yet another night when Peter wasn’t in his bed, safe and sound. How could Tony hope to fall asleep knowing Peter was in danger?

“He won’t go to his aunt’s place. It’s pretty evident he doesn’t want to be found and that would be the obvious choice.”
“Where else, then?”
“You know what? You can all go home if you need to. I’ll stay around Manhattan. You’re right, Steve; there’s no point in keeping monitoring Queens. I’ve alerted the police and they’ll keep an eye out.”
“We’ll stay, Tones. Steve, Natasha and I will be in Brooklyn.”
“Barnes, Wilson and I will go to Staten Island.”
“I’ll check out Bronx.”
“We’re gonna find him, Tony, I’m sure.”
“The line’s open if you see anything at all.”

It didn’t matter that everyone seemed hopeful; Tony was losing his own hope by the minute, and, with every breath he took, he feared that it could’ve been Peter’s last.

Notes:

OH MY GOD GUYS. I'm so incredibly sorry that it took me almost two months to update the story. I've had so many things in my mind that I haven't really had the energy to sit down and write. It's finally here and I hope you like it! I feel like I've also been delaying it because we have only 6 chapters left and I'm not really ready to finish the story.

What did you guys think? Did you like the chapter? Let me know!

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 44: and never for a second blame yourself

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

24 hours. It had been 24 hours since he last saw Peter, and they were nowhere near close to finding him or anything to find him with. It felt like his heart was beating, but he couldn’t feel it; like he was alive, but he wasn’t. How was he supposed to live with himself when he had lost the child that had become the center of his life? Tony just didn’t know what to do anymore.

Everyone looked completely defeated and terrified, and Tony almost thought they could be going through what he was, but it wasn’t possible. None of them could truly get how much it pained his heart to know Peter was out there, probably scared to death, and Tony was supposed to take care of him. They couldn’t possibly know what it was like to lose their kid; Tony now knew.

“Don’t lose hope, Tony, we’re gonna find him.”
“Yeah, I know, Steve.”

It was probably almost midnight, Tony lost track of time, really. He had flown all over Manhattan and had nothing, absolutely nothing. For a moment Tony thought of having the police put out a BOLO; to have the police looking for Peter in every borough. Tony wouldn’t have beaten an eye. Pepper made him do otherwise. What would he even say? Look for a malnourished kid who’s enhanced and might be swinging around? It was too ridiculous, and Tony realized it would do more damage than good.

Instead, he flew and flew, hoping to god that FRIDAY would notice anything or have something for him to work with. All his life, Tony had something to begin with, an idea, a material, a lead. This time, it was just nothing. Like he was trying everything, but nothing seemed to work and every second that passed was more excruciating than the one before.

Nothing came through the comms, everyone saying that they hadn’t seen anything, not a single trace of Peter. Tony knew how much Peter meant to all of them, and he knew that it was hard for them, too. Suddenly, though, things changed.

“Tony, you in?”
“What’s up, Romanov?”
“I think we might have an idea, meet us in Brooklyn; Prospect Park.”
“On my way.”

Maybe this was good. Maybe this was something he could work with. Maybe, just maybe, Natasha’s idea would help them find Peter. Even though he was at the northmost part of Manhattan, Tony didn’t waste a moment an immediately flew headed to Brooklyn, putting his every hope in Natasha.

There were people gathered around the park, a large amount of people for such an unusual hour. Then again, they didn’t make an effort to try and be discreet; the Quinjet carelessly parked in the field like it was just another bike. Now, Tony knew Rhodey. They had been friends the longest, and Tony regained a bit of hope when he saw it on Rhodey’s face. This could work.

“What do you have for me?”
“Have you called him yet?”
“Are you for fucking real? I came all this way for you to suggest the one thing I’ve been continuously doing all day?!”
“Tony, listen to her.”
“Even if we hadn’t tried that already a million times, he won’t answer. He knows everyone’s phone number by heart.”
“Don’t be an ass, Stark. We know Peter, and we got these phones, all different numbers.”
“Do you think you could track his phone if he does answer?”
“I’m out of options – let’s give it a shot.”

Tony didn’t for a second think it was going to work. Why would Peter answer? It didn’t make sense to him. Still, it was the only thing they had for now, and it was his hail mary. So, Rhodey handed Steve and Natasha a phone, keeping one for himself. Objectively, Tony knew that he was the one that had to work the tracking, but a part of him yearned to hear Peter’s voice if he did answer.

Each one of them took turns to call him, all trying not to swarm the phone with calls; none would go through. Unsurprisingly, Peter didn’t pick up, and Tony lost it. Each of them called five times. Those were 15 times Peter could’ve taken the call. It was highly unlikely he just wouldn’t pick up. He was dead.

“Tony –”
“STOP SAYING THAT, FOR FUCKS SAKE.”

Everything was spiraling downwards, and Tony felt his world spinning. Peter didn’t pick up. There was a very real chance that Peter was dead. Tony was alive in a world where Peter probably wasn’t, and he just didn’t know if he could deal with that.

He was going crazy, and that was saying something. No one could deny that Tony had gone through a lot in his lifetime; a lot of traumatic events to spare. Nothing compared to this, though. Nothing scared him as much as this. When Pepper fell off the platform at the oil tanker, Tony felt his soul leave his body, only leaving space for revenge towards Aldrich Killian. It didn’t last long, though. He saw Pepper walking towards him just a mere 15 minutes later.

This time, it had been over a day without Peter. It was excruciating, and he couldn’t help but wonder if, maybe, Peter hadn’t killed himself. What if he was just lost and didn’t know how to go back? What if something happened to him? Truth was, Tony was just fooling himself. The alternative was too hard, and he just didn’t know what to do with himself.

Not long after, his body caught up to his mind and, suddenly, everything went black.

____________________

Tony recognized his surroundings far too well and he hated it. Why was he in bed? He should be out there looking for his kid, not laying around like Peter’s life wasn’t on the line. Pepper and Rhodey were by his side; it felt safe. Regardless, taking a look around, suddenly it didn’t feel safe. Steve was leaning on the door frame. How was he even there? Tony made sure that he wasn’t allowed on the floor, and it made him feel in danger. Oddly enough, though, he was glad thar Steve was there, not that he would ever admit it out loud.

“What time is it?”
“It’s almost midday, Tony.”
“Any news? Where’s Peter? I need to find him.”

As he was starting to stand up, Tony felt his world spinning and a soft hand on his shoulder. Pepper was softly but firmly telling him to stay put. The deal was: he couldn’t just sit there like nothing was wrong; everything was wrong, and Peter wasn’t there.

“Come on, Tony, we don’t want you passing out again.”
“Everyone went looking for Peter again, this time looking further; maybe he did have time to go far.”
“Could you please give us a minute?”

As Pepper held his hand and asked everyone to leave, Tony felt the hole in his chest growing stronger and stronger. She was the one who had truly seen him vulnerable, and, now that they were alone, Tony felt himself crumbling down.

“Come on, Tony, we need to talk about it.”
“I can’t, Pep, it’s just too much to handle.”
“Oh, Tony. Have you talked to May?”
“I talked to her; she wants to come back as soon as possible.”
“Does she know what’s going on?”
“She doesn’t know the half of it.”
“We need to tell her, Tony. We’ll tell her if Peter doesn’t show up before 7pm, okay?”

Now, Tony was a stubborn man, and he never once would admit it. But Pepper was right, and Tony hated it. How was he supposed to call May and tell her that her child was probably dead? It was getting out of hand, and it just wasn’t fair to her. As he kissed her hand, and squeezed it, Tony realized he had had enough.

“I’m gonna go find him.”
“You need to rest, Tony, you’re not okay.”
“I won’t be okay until I know Peter’s safe.”

____________________

Something wasn’t right and Tony knew it. It was worse than before, if that was even possible. Everyone was back at the Compound to eat and rest, but Tony could sense the hopelessness and ever-growing defeat. The tension could be cut with a knife, and the quietness in the room made it much harder for any conversation at all to be had.

Steve was trying to force himself to put up a positive façade, but Tony knew he was faking it. Wanda was playing with her red hue, almost absentmindedly, which was scary in itself. The rest of them were mostly quiet, eating the bowls that Pepper had kindly ordered for them all. Nevertheless, Tony saw Bucky and Natasha talking, and he couldn’t help but be curious about it. Tony knew that they were aware of Peter’s struggles, but he had never thought of involving them in the real deal.

All of the sudden, the quiet room erupted into chaos, and everyone jumped to the countertop. One of the burner phones started ringing, and a glimpse of hope took over Tony and he held on to it as hard as he could. What if he was setting himself up for disappointment? What if someone else had Peter’s phone? There were infinite scenarios where Peter could be hurt, and Tony would just be fooling himself.

Natasha was the one who got the phone.

“FRIDAY, trace the call.”
“On it, boss.”

Tony knew better than to let things into fate’s hands, so he made sure to adjust the phones’ technologies into his own software so that they could manipulate it easily. It was now on speaker, and he was now seeing the map that showed him that Peter was, in fact, in New York.

“Hello?”

There was nothing on the other end; no one spoke on the line. But Tony could feel that it was Peter. Maybe there was something to be hopeful for.

"If it’s you, Peter, stay put. We’re looking for you, okay? Everything’s going to be okay."

And then the call ended, the conversation too brief, and Tony’s hope fading. If only Peter had spoken, maybe they could’ve gotten him to stay on the line longer and they’d be able to trace the call. Unfortunately, though, he hung up, which left them with the useless knowledge that Peter was somewhere in the southeast side of New York.

“At least we know he’s alive, Tony.”
“We don’t know it was him.”
“It was him, honey, he’s alive; we’re gonna find him.”
“We can go out again, now we know where he may be, right?”
“Your enthusiasm really is marvelous, Rogers, but we’re still at base one. How is this any different from what we knew yesterday, huh?”

The expression on everyone’s faces was that of realization and disappointment, and Tony couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. He knew they were only trying to do their best, and Tony had to right to crush their hopes just because he had run out of it himself. Still, it seemed like everyone knew he was right.

____________________

An hour went by, and everyone was on their rooms, sleeping. It had been a taxing couple of days and, even though most of them were enhanced, it was exhausting for everyone. Tony stood by his word, and there was no use in telling them to go out to aimlessly look all over New York again. There weren’t any new clues to follow; might as well just rest.

Except Tony couldn’t shut his eyes for a moment. Something was screaming at him, telling him that Peter’s life was in danger and that it was now or never. Something was telling him that maybe it was time to defy the odds and bring May over to New York. It was only right that she was there if her nephew died; it would be selfish if Tony kept trying to conceal the truth from her.

That whole hour was spent slouching on the couch at his lab, trying to come up with any other place that Peter could’ve gone to. It was absolutely ridiculous that it had come to the point where he had to rely on his instincts instead of his technology. Most times, the latter took charge of what the first one had to do. This time, he had to think like Peter and try to come up with any place that he would consider to be safe.

It was hard, though. Tony knew that Peter was unbelievably smart, but that didn’t mean that he would act as such. Maybe he was deliberately trying to hurt himself and not use his survival instinct. How could Tony ever hope to understand that? It was insane to his eyes that such a wonderful kid could have a dark enough mind that would drive him to hurt himself.

The frustration was too much, and his mug was the victim of the hopelessness he was feeling. Normally, Tony wouldn’t throw anything to smash it on the wall. Most people thought otherwise, but he really wasn’t that type of guy. Now, though, any rationality left him, and he was now just hanging on to any thread he could.

“Boss, I’ve got something.”

Tony didn’t have to say a word. He immediately sat up and FRIDAY started playing a video that was oddly unsurprising. Peter was on top of a rollercoaster. He couldn’t be about to jump, could he? Tony seriously doubted that Peter would jump in front of so many people; yet again, he also doubted Peter would ever starve himself. With that thought, Tony started freaking out, trying to keep his mind straight and trying his best to collect himself.

“Let Rogers, Rhodey and Natasha know; tell them to go down there and check it out.”
“Already did, sir.”

Tony really wanted to go; he really did. Truth was, though, it was most likely that Peter wouldn’t stay there for long. That was something Tony did know for a fact: Peter couldn’t stay put, even if it was for his sake. Chances were that he would move faster than they could keep up with and then they’d be left with nothing, again.

“Keep everyone updated and on standby, we’re gonna need everyone ready.”
“Sure thing, boss.”

As Tony was getting up to go get a cup of coffee so he wouldn’t pass out, Pepper walked into the room and her expression immediately turned into a concerned one. Could it be possible that she, too, noticed that Tony was wrong about not going to get Peter? Pepper was his light, and Tony was sure that, whatever she said was right, and that they would be better off by following her lead.

“I heard you found him.”
“He’s in Coney Island; Steve, Rhodey, and Natasha are about to leave to get him.”
“Aren’t you going with them?”
“He’s too smart for his own good; he’s gonna bolt the moment he knows we’re there. I want to be one step ahead of him and track him before he can leave.”
“You know, you’re his favorite person.”
“I don’t think that –”
“He looks up to you, Tony, and he needs you now more than ever, you need to be there for him.”
“But what if –”
“Bruce and I will be here; now get your ass out there and get him.”

Tony knew better than to question her, but he also knew that she was right. Deep down, Tony was dying to join them, but he was too scared that Peter would leave again if they didn’t get him this time. So, he kissed her cheek and ran outside to the quinjet, eternally grateful that his nanosuit was actually working and that it had him suited up by the time he got there.

“Didn’t know you were joining us.”
“You didn’t think I would leave this up to you, right?”
“This is it, Tony, we’re gonna find him.”
“Better be right, Rogers.”

As the quinjet started lifting off the ground, a projection appeared in the holopad, and FRIDAY didn’t have to speak at all. There was new footage of Peter. He was on top of the rollercoaster but, thankfully for Tony’s health, Peter wasn’t jumping; he was saving a man.

On one hand, Tony was extremely proud that, even though everything was a mess, Peter still found strength to help people. On the other, though, another ounce of anger was added to Tony’s increasing pile. How could Peter be so irresponsible? He didn’t have anything to cover his identity, and it was too risky; he knew better.

“He’s a good kid, Tony, he’s going to be okay.”

From experience, Tony knew that Peter ignored his survival instincts and that he would probably be hurt by the time they got there. Tony didn’t necessarily know how bad it would be, but it was best to be ready, just in case. So, he did the only thing that came to mind.

“What do you need, Stark?”
“Not even a ‘hello’, Strange?”
“What do you need, Stark?”
“It’s Peter, we – we don’t know where he is, he might be injured, and we may need your help.”
“So, you don’t know if he’s actually injured; that’s what you’re saying.”
“What I’m saying is that it would be wonderful if we could bring him to the hospital if he is injured.”
“Let me know; then we could bring him to your Compound, we’ll see how it goes.”

After what felt like a lifetime, they finally arrived at the beach. There was a commotion, but no sign of Peter. An ambulance was there, and he was taking a man; out of convenience and damage control, Tony knew it was best to tell the paramedics to bring the man to the Metro General Hospital.

It was only logical that Peter would get out of there as soon as everyone gathered around, but now there was a real chance that everyone saw Peter’s face as someone with very alike skills to Spider-Man. That was a problem for later, though. Right now, all that mattered was finding Peter and making sure he was alive.

“We asked around, Tony.”
“What did you get?”
“Everyone saw him swinging, no one really knew who he was; not that they told us.”
“What else?”
“A woman said he saw him crashing against the wall to take the hit of the impact; he’s probably certainly hurt.”
“A kid told us he saw him leaving towards the city, Rhodey’s already in the air on the lookout.”

It was probably rude, especially after everything Steve and Natasha had done to help him find Peter, but Tony didn’t waste a second and he put on the suit again, ready to find Peter if he’s life depended on it. Still, everyone had to be in the know.

“Listen up, everyone. I’m around Coney Island and Queens; Rhodey, you take Manhattan and Bronx. Everyone else can take the surrounding areas of the Compound by foot; maybe he’s going back now.”
“On it.”

A whole hour went by, and no one had seen him yet. Tony started losing hope again, and it killed him to let himself believe that they would actually find him. All of the sudden, FRIDAY pulled up footage of people recording someone on the Brooklyn Bridge and reports to the police of a kid on top of it. It was Peter.

His breath hitched and his soul left him. Peter was about to kill himself. The kid he had grown so fond of was actually planning on taking his own life. How could someone so perfect not see it? He was a wonderful kid and Tony wasn’t about to let him go.

“Alert Strange and everyone else.”
“Yes, boss.”
“Put everything we’ve got on the thrusters.”

Suddenly, time stopped as he saw Peter jumping. Tony wasn’t near the bridge, but he knew he could make it. He had to get him. Could he make it?

Notes:

Guys I'm so so sorry, I'm such an asshole. It's been a ridiculous year and I swear this fic has been on my mind every day, I just hadn't had the time to sit down and write something worth reading. I was also on a trip in Europe all May and just didn't have time.

What did you guys think? Did you like the chapter? Let me know!

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 45: hold on tight, this ride is a wild one

Summary:

TW/ depression thoughts

READ NOTES!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It was all… bright; not in the nice way, but more like that type of bright that’s unsettling and threatens to burn you. Regardless, the darkness was still lurking, and Peter felt it breathing just behind his neck, making his heartbeat faster and an instinct to run grow bigger.

Everything was a big blur in his head, and it felt like everything he had ever thought was mixing up in his brain, leaving him clueless and unable to figure out where he was, or what the hell happened.

What he did know, and what was most familiar to him, was that he was in pain; excruciating if he dared say. There were strong shocks of agony running through his whole body and they all seemed to end in his back. Never had he ever in his life felt such agonizing pain that it left him thinking if he was being tortured.

Regardless, as much as he wanted to avoid it, Peter opened his eyes. It was just instinct, really. Like his body knew that it was time to face reality and that he had to grow up already. His surroundings were much too familiar, too. It felt like home, but he dreaded it. How did he go back to his room at the Compound? He must be dreaming. Where was Tony? There was nothing he wanted more than to hug the man and apologize for everything.

Was he dead? It felt like he was. All he ever thought of when he ran away was how badly he wanted to turn back and head home. But, if he was dead, why was he in so much pain? Maybe it was hell; he definitely deserved hell. Everything he had done in his life led to this moment; every screwup made him deserving of the pain he was in, and no one could convince him otherwise.

The lack of control he was feeling was as annoying as annoying could go. Peter had no idea what was going on, or whether he was in danger, or what was going to happen. The rational side of his brain told him that he was safe now and that everything would be alright. Now, the other side, the one that had a hold of him since Ben died, it was screaming at him that it was all his fault, and that Tony was paying for it.

Now, the feeling of air leaving his lungs, and like there wasn’t enough to breathe with, was also well known by Peter, but it never made it better. His breath started speeding up and he was desperate to do something about it. Truth was, he felt like he was blinded, and his legs just started moving, hoping they would lead him somewhere safe.

Suddenly, his knees were hurting much more than before, and Peter realized he hit the ground much harder than he remembered it was possible. Maybe he was putting too much effort to his legs, and they were stubborn enough to ignore his brain’s commands. What was going on, anyway?

Much to his relief, or maybe dread, someone entered the room; there wasn’t a way for Peter to see who it was, but it felt like he was safe. After all, the lights were still too bright and he was trying his best to adjust; that never for a second made him ignore the fact that it was Tony who was now with him.

“Easy there, buddy, we don’t want you hurting yourself. Come on, let’s get you back to bed.”

At the sound of his voice, Peter saw everything more clearly. It was almost like his body knew that it was safe to see anything if Tony was by his side. Peter found himself feeling grateful every single time he was with Tony, and this was no different. Whether he said it out loud, which he never would, Peter felt safe wherever Tony was; almost like his home was where May or Tony was.

The memories came flashing back to him, and he remembered what just happened. He failed at killing himself. It was such an embarrassment that all he wanted was to make a hole in the ground, stick his head in it, and choke on dirt. The biggest shame, though, was the fact that Tony knew what happened, and he dreaded what that implied. Terrifying was a small way to put how he felt even thinking about what would happen next.

A mere seconds later, Pepper came into the room, and just like with Tony, Peter felt relief and shame wash him all over. Immediately, she ran to him and helped Tony get him back to bed. He hadn’t paid much attention to his weight lately, but he knew he was huge, and he felt even more ashamed that they were carrying all his weight back to bed. What if he was hurting them? He would never forgive himself.

Pepper was holding his hand, that much Peter knew. What he wasn’t very clear about was if Tony was running his hand through Peter’s hair. It certainly felt like it, but it was just too good to be true and Peter didn’t think he could handle more heartbreak anymore; after all, that’s what got him to the place he was.

“Please, go away.”

The plan was for him to say it with determination, but it came out as a soft creak, and he hated it. The last thing he needed was for them to see him as the pathetic screwup that he was, they were far too good to have to deal with him. If he was honest with himself, he desperately wanted them to stay with him. They were safe and they were home. Regardless, Peter knew he couldn’t be selfish, and it would be terribly selfish of him to make them stay with him while he wanted to die.

“What was that, dear?”

The tighter grip of Pepper’s hand of his own was reassuring and he treasured the feeling. Still his body responded before he could think things through. For a reason unbeknownst to Peter, he started heating up and trying to shuffle out of her hold. The next think he felt was an agonizing shot of pain running through his clavicle, Tony’s grip on his shoulder being the cause of it.

“No one’s going anywhere.”

Trying to lessen the burden that he was, Peter quietly controlled his body and stayed put. There was an unsettling silence in the room, and it made him uncomfortable. Pepper was looking directly into his eyes, but nothing came out of her mouth. Tony, on the other hand, went back to running his hand through Peter’s hair; it was uncomfortably nice.

Slowly, as he numbly stared at the ceiling, Peter started drifting away. It wasn’t clear to him if it was sleep or imminent death. Whichever it was, Peter was grateful that he could take a break from the shame he was now feeling. As he fell asleep, the most terrifying words came out of Tony’s mouth.

“Hey, May.”

____________________

The next time he woke up, it was odd. Somehow, it felt the exact same way as before. The same unsettling feeling in his stomach, and the reminder of his failure lurking in the back of his head. But it was different. He wasn’t entirely freaking out, and that safe feeling was still with him. Maybe it was because he now clearly knew that he was at the Compound and that Tony would keep him safe.

“We’re gonna get you feel better and fix that spine of yours; we can deal with everything else when you’re back on your feet.”

Every time Tony was there, Peter felt safe, but he also felt embarrassed. The man had done so much for him, and he had done nothing but bring problems his way; he couldn’t do much without hurting him, and it made Peter want to die. It was quiet for a moment, and they weren’t particularly looking at each other, only small glances were exchanged. Peter was desperate for answers, though.

“How’s May?”
“She was going to come, Peter. There was bad weather, and she couldn’t make it out of Sweden.”
“Oh.”
“You know, kid, she wants to speak with you.”
“What does she know?”

May had given up so many opportunities for him and his wellbeing; she didn’t deserve anything that he had put her through. Tony’s sigh and silence confirmed Peter’s fear. The absolute terror that washed over Peter was truly terrifying, and the hatred towards himself only grew stronger. Peter knew he was a burden, but he never once imagined it would be this monumental that he would hurt his aunt all the way to another continent.

“She knows that you were missing, and that you ran away last week, too.”
“Oh.”
“That’s that.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, I really am.”
“You hurt yourself, kid, you should rest. We can chat later.”

And so, he did.

________ . ________

There would never be a time like this when Tony hoped that he had made his suit fly faster. It seemed like every second was both the fastest yet slowest of his life. With every moment that passed that Tony saw Peter getting closer and closer to hitting the east river, Tony felt breath leave his body. Still, he knew he had to stay focused if he wanted to save his kid.

Having him in his arms felt like the biggest relief of his life. Seeing Pepper step out of fire after thinking she was dead was very close second, but this was different. Tony felt like he was holding his whole life in his arms, and he hated seeing Peter unconscious and so fragile. Without a thought, and acting on instinct, he started flying towards Metro General Hospital, feeling that the worst could come any second and him useless about it.

“FRIDAY, ring up Strange; let him know that we’re on our way.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Let the team know that I found Peter; I’ll fill them in later.”
“Already done, boss.”

Not long ago, Tony was in the same exact situation. Stephen Strange had taken his kid away to help him, and he was left in the waiting room with anxiety taking over him and unable to think of anything else other than how many things he wished he told Peter.

He was going through every single moment since Peter started living at the Compound with them. What had he done wrong? What did he miss? Tony really thought that Peter had turn to the right direction since the last incident; evidently Tony was too oblivious and now they were in this situation, wondering if Peter would live to see another day.

Why did Peter do this? He was such a precious kid. Peter was the kind of person that was good. A lot of people say that they knew someone that was pure sunshine, but nothing could compare to Peter. He lit up the room whenever he entered, he cared too much for his own good, and he was the kind of person that would make a severe dent in the world if he ever left.

How was he supposed to make this right? There was no manual for handling a suicide attempt of a somehow kind of adoptive son that was also enhanced and a vigilante. It sounded way too ridiculous but that was the situation and Tony felt as hopeless as he ever had in his life. He had absolutely no idea how to even begin to approach this.

Instead, he distracted himself by doing something productive. The time he spent in the waiting room was time he spent killing stories about anyone seeing Peter’s face at Coney Island or at Brooklyn Bridge. No one had to know that it had been Peter Parker who probably broke his back trying to save someone and then went on to jump to his death on one of the most famous spots in New York.

Honestly, he would never admit it out loud, especially in this situation, but he was proud that Peter saved someone while being so vulnerable and fragile. Still, it didn’t take away the rage that he felt for not being careful. It almost seemed like Peter didn’t give a damn about his identity or his wellbeing, which was a thought he didn’t want to entertain for a single second.

It was right then and there that Tony realized he had to be particularly careful about the words that he would use when he next spoke to Peter. Not like he shouldn’t be careful from now on, but it was of particular importance that he carefully crafted the next conversation. What if he messed up again and it would be the time that Peter actually ended his life? It was just not an option.

As his dark thoughts were setting in again, Pepper entered the room and hugged him tighter than ever, pushing the thoughts away and embracing the fact that his lifeline was now there with him.

“What happened? Is Peter alright?”
“He jumped off Brooklyn Bridge, Pep.”
“Oh my god, Tony.”
“I caught him just in time, but he’s pretty roughed up, I’m not really sure where, yet.”
“What do we know?”
“FRIDAY said he barely had a heartbeat; Strange took him in two hours ago. I don’t know what’s going on, he hasn’t come out yet.”

Pepper took his hand and squeezed him, looking directly to his eyes. Somehow, her presence gave Tony a sense of peace that was hard to describe, but he was grateful that she was there, especially now.

“This is not your fault Tony, you know that, right?”

It was truly unbelievable how much Pepper knew Tony and how she knew how Tony’s thought process went. She was the women Tony wanted in his life, and he couldn’t be more grateful that she was there with him; words weren’t enough to express the appreciation he had for her; he would do anything for her.

“I could’ve prevented it, Pep. I didn’t pay enough attention. How didn’t I notice? This doesn’t happen overnight. What did I miss?”
“Peter doesn’t need this, Tony. You’re not going to help him get better if you keep thinking like this.”
“But…”
“He looks up to you, Tony; he needs you to be strong, and you need to keep yourself together for him.”

Even if he wanted so desperately bad to deny it, Tony knew that Pepper was right. If he wasn’t in the right mindset, how was he supposed to help Peter get his own mind better? It was only logical but it was hard for Tony to think anything rationally; his kid tried to kill himself and it hurt way more than he could ever fathom.

The whole night Tony was deep in thought, still no answers to his endless questions. He never once moved from that dull waiting room, too scared that he wouldn’t be there when Stephen came out with an update on Peter. Snoozing off was inevitable, but he hated that his body gave in every now and then.

Thankfully for him, Pepper stayed with him until 3am when Rhodey came to fill in for her. After all, she had spent the whole day looking for Peter, too, so she surely was exhausted. Words couldn’t even begin to describe it, but Tony’s appreciation for Pepper and for Rhodey was something so immense that he could barely grasp it.

Rhodey’s hug was all it took for Tony to allow himself to break down. He had been there for him through thick and thin, and this was definitely one of those times when Tony was proven that Rhodey would always be there for him.

“We’re going to get through this, Tones, I know it.”

People say that time goes by fast, but the last seven hours were anything but. The last seven hours had been as excruciating as excruciating gets for Tony. The uncertainty and hopelessness made it all the harder for Tony to keep himself together, regardless of having Rhodey by his side to be his clutch.

As he was starting to snooze off again, Stephen came out, and Tony got up with a speed that didn’t allow Stephen to say one word.

“How is he? What’s going on? What happened?”
“He had a thoracic spine fracture, while also fracturing his rib, which punctured his left lung.”
“How bad is it? How is he now?”
“Well, Mr. Rhodes, I saw the news, so it wasn’t anything unexpected. We performed a kyphoplasty and internal fixation. Peter’s stable but still recovering in the ICU.”
“When can we see him?”
“He needs a lot of rest, and we’re waiting to see if there were any complications with the surgeries.”

The amount of information was overwhelming. Tony wasn’t the kind of person that got overwhelmed easily; he usually had nerves of steel and it was unfamiliar to him to feel so desperate. Words wouldn’t come out of his mouth, even if he wanted to, his mind wouldn’t allow it; Rhodey took charge.

“What are the odds of full recovery?”
“Still unclear. See, we don’t usually get enhanced patients. We’re waiting to see what happens; his enhanced healing may not be on his side this time.”
“What does that mean?”
“His body might try to repair itself without the proper care and it might not heal as it should. We’re on unknown ground and hoping for the best.”
“What happens now?”
“We’ll keep him here for now, at least until he’s out of immediate danger.”

That was about enough for Tony. The only thing he knew for sure was that he wanted his kid back home; back to where he could make sure he was safe, and back to him.

“So, Strange, when can I take my kid home?”
“Look, Stark, I know this isn’t easy, but he’s still in a very delicate stage; the next few days will be crucial for his recovery. You need to understand that staying here is what’s best for him.”
“He’s right, Tony, it’s better if he’s healed up before he goes back.”
“I’ll let you know when you can come see him.”

Frustration was all there was.

____________________

It had been a whole week since Tony managed to save Peter from himself. It had been more than a week since Tony last heard Peter’s voice. It had been more than a week without him, and it was getting out of hand. Every single time that he thought about Peter, he was reminded of how badly he screwed up and how much he failed at keeping him safe; the one thing he had to do.

With Stephen’s authorization, Tony was allowed to get Peter to the Compound, and it was an indescribable relief. Now that Peter was there, Tony knew where he was and that he wasn’t getting out of bed; at least that’s what Stephen had told him. Still, it was scary. Now that he was home, Tony had to face the fact that he had no clue how to even begin to tackle this.

For the first time in a whole week, Tony sat down at the common dining room for dinner, gaining several surprised looks. Truth was, Tony had completely isolated himself from everything and everyone. If he wasn’t at the hospital, he was holed up in his lab. Pepper insisted that he had to get some rest and that she and Rhodey could stay with Peter while he rested. But there was no rest at all.

Even if he tried to close his eyes and sleep, nightmares plagued him, and he could only see himself not catching Peter on time and having front row seat to his kid’s death. No one should have to feel that dread; yet Tony did. Seeming as sleep wouldn’t be his companion, Tony took to several tasks that needed to be dealt with. One of those, and the one he was scared of the most, was May.

“What’s going on? Where’s my nephew? Have you found him yet?”
“We have him, May, he’s with us.”
“Oh, thank god.”
“He’s safe.”
“What happened?”
“He ran out of the Compound, and we couldn’t find him. We got him last night and he’s a bit roughed up, but nothing he can’t handle; he’s a strong one, you know?”
“Yep, sounds like him.”
“He’s gonna be okay, May.”
“There’s still a weather warning, they won’t let me out of here, I don’t know when I can fly back.”
“He’s fine, May, I’ll let you know if anything happens, and I’ll make sure he calls you as soon as possible.”
“Please tell him that I love him.”
“He already knows, but I’ll pass the message.”
“Thank you, Tony.”
“No worries.”

May didn’t need to know that Peter deliberately jumped off a bridge to try and meet his end. It was too painful for her to know that and be unable to come back and take care of him. Tony didn’t think it was necessary to put her through that, so he didn’t tell her the entire truth. Maybe, in the future, she’ll know about it, but he hoped it wouldn’t be for a very long time; it was a very hard time for everyone involved and it wasn’t a wise decision.

The rest of the time he wasn’t at the hospital he spent at his lab. He eventually crossed paths with Bruce, but they just exchanged looks; Bruce understood him, and Tony was grateful that he didn’t overwhelm him with unnecessary questions.

His shenanigans at the lab weren’t anything like before. This wasn’t about making gear for everyone or improving suits, this was much more delicate. How was he going to make sure he could keep tabs on Peter without physically putting a chip on him? It was a thought that did cross his mind, but Peter would never agree to it, so it was out of the question.

Every single thing that came to mind was an invasion to Peter’s privacy and, even now, with everything that was going on, Tony couldn’t bring himself to put trackers in every single piece of Peter’s clothing. It was something that he would have to discuss with Peter, if it ever came a time when they could actually talk about it.

So, it was a surprise to everyone that he showed his face after a whole week of avoiding every soul at the Compound. Truth was, he didn’t really know what to say. They all knew what Peter had done, and Tony knew how much they all cared for him, but Tony didn’t have answers to questions he didn’t even dare to ask himself.

When he entered the room, every small conversation came to a halt, and Tony had a second to read the room. There was casual talk, but it had a melancholic tone to it. It was nothing like the conversations they usually had when they were making dinner; it was pretty obvious that it was affecting them, too, and Tony didn’t know what to do about that. Even if it was great that they cared for him, Tony knew that Peter would think that he was burdening them, and that was something he didn’t know how to handle.

“It’s nice to see you, Tony, we’re just about done cooking this salmon.”

Very unlike him, Tony simply smiled at Steve and quietly sat down at the head of the table, eventually looking up when he felt someone staring at him. Half an hour went by, and everyone was quietly eating they meal. It was so… sad. Tony realized that Peter became the light of the team, and they were miserable without his presence.

Before, when he was eating with them, it felt like his laughs filled the room and like nothing was wrong. Now that he wasn’t there, and that they didn’t know if he would ever go back to how he was, it felt dull, almost numbingly depressing.

After a while, when everyone was long finished eating, Wanda spoke up, which brought no surprise to Tony, but it still caught him off guard.

“What is going on? What happened to Peter?”

Steve’s stern look at Wanda didn’t go unnoticed, and it was pretty obvious that he had lectured them about what to do or say about this particular topic. Truly, Tony was grateful for that, he wouldn’t have known how to manage their questions and comments.

“We’re just concerned about him, Tony.”
“Yes, I know.”

No one had bad intentions when it came to Peter, and that eased Tony’s mind, but it didn’t make it any less troubling in his mind for them to know the entire truth about Peter’s situation. Hell, he didn’t even know what was going on; or maybe he was just denying the truth.

They would eventually find out, that’s for sure. Why wouldn’t he tell them now and get it over with? After all, they would probably keep the questions to themselves when the time came for Peter to face them all again.

Now, what he didn’t know was how they would control their behavior around Peter; Tony didn’t know what Peter would need when he woke up, so how could he explain to them what to avoid? It was all too messy.

This was all about Peter, and that’s what mattered. Tony didn’t have a clue about how Peter’s mind was currently working, but he did know that Peter cared for all of them way too deeply, and that was enough for him to decide that telling them was the better option.

“There’s not much to tell. You already know what happened.”
“How is he now? Where is he?”
“He’s at the hospital; had surgery and he’s still pretty beat up.”
“When is he coming back?”
“He hasn’t woken up yet. They’re pumping him full on sedatives for the pain.”
“What can we do?”
“No offense, Barton, but there’s nothing you can do.”
“What do you mean, Tony?”
“What I mean, Steve, is that you all should back off until I know what will happen and how they fuck we’re going to make it right.”

Everyone remained silent and Tony feared he had screwed up. Lately, the only thing he felt was fear, and he hated it. To his surprise, everyone lightly nodded, almost in reluctant agreement; it didn’t matter to him, all that mattered was Peter.

Honestly, even if they had protested, the reality of the situation was that there was nothing to do. The only ones who could do something for Peter were already doing it at the hospital; at the Compound they would have to accept that they’d have to wait and see how things play out.

On the other hand, now that Peter was at the Compound, there was a very real chance that he could wake up anytime now, and he didn’t know what he would say. Why would Tony ever allow them to say anything to Peter before he figured out what was best? It was for the better that they kept to themselves for now.

“Excuse me.”

Without another word, Tony simply stood up and left to his floor, his panic growing stronger with every step. For one, he was done with the awkward environment at the table, but, more importantly, Tony refused to let them see him at his most vulnerable moment. Panic was something Tony had dealt with before, but he wasn’t about to share it with the ones who once betrayed him.

So, instead of doing what was rationally right, Tony sat alone in his bedroom, dealing with his demons all by himself while trying to find a way for Peter to fight his own.

____________________

Like every single day since Peter ran away, Tony woke up exhausted and hopeless. It was getting overly frustrating, and he was done with it. The only thing he wanted was for Peter to open his eyes so they could start working together to make him feel better. But that wasn’t happening yet, so he was now having breakfast with Pepper.

How long could his possibly last? Seeing Peter in pain brought Tony an enormous share of it; if he was honest, Tony would take Peter’s pain without hesitation if it meant that his kid could be happy.

“You know how we talked about financing those solar panel farms in Chile? The project’s already underway, it’s going well…”
“Huh.”

Tony knew that Pepper was trying her best to get his mind off everything by distracting him with issues about SI, but Tony couldn’t care any less. He wholeheartedly trusted Pepper, and he knew she would make the right choices. The only thing that mattered to Tony was Peter’s recovery, and for that he had all the attention in the world.

Suddenly, he felt Pepper’s hand on his, and her squeeze let Tony know that she knew exactly what was going on.

“Everything’s going to be okay, Tony. He’s alive and that’s what’s most important; everything else we can figure out together, okay?”

Without much else, Tony kissed her hand in hope that it would show how much he appreciated her in that moment.

After breakfast, everything went on as usual as usual had become. Tony was upstairs trying to figure out a way to keep track of Peter without being obsessive, and also trying to figure out how to talk to him once he woke up. His wish came true, and with that came the dread of uncertainty; FRIDAY had just announced that Peter woke up.

Immediately, and like his life depended on it, Tony ran down the stairs with no regard of his own safety. He knew Peter far too well and he knew that he would try to leave; he was stubborn like that and he knew that he must be confused out of his mind.

During Peter’s stay at the Compound, Tony had seen his share of horrifying scenes starring Peter being hurt or hurting himself. This time, he had no idea what he was up against. What if he said the wrong thing? Tony couldn’t for a moment imagine what would happen if he lost Peter.

Right now, though, his focus was on keeping Peter physically safe. He knew that he was actively avoiding the whole ‘you tried to kill yourself’ thing, and Peter probably noticed. Maybe it was for the better.

Tony now knew how embarrassed Peter was feeling, and he truly understood. Passing out in his arms was a good thing; he was safe and Tony knew that, so he swore he wouldn’t leave his side until he made sure that he wouldn’t hurt himself trying to escape.

“We’re gonna get you feel better and fix that spine of yours; we can deal with everything else when you’re back on your feet.”

It was the most reassuring thing that he could think of to somehow let Peter know that he was there for him. One thing was true: even if his fear overcame him, Tony was determined to do whatever it took for his kid; they had a long road ahead of them, but it was one Tony was willing to face, for Peter.

Notes:

June and July were so challenging and I truly apologize for not updating the story. It's been very messy and this part of my year hasn't been the greatest; it took a toll on me and delayed my creativity. It's here now, though!

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts, suggestions, and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 46: make no mistake

Summary:

TW// small eating disorder and suicidal thoughts

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Something in Tony’s voice made Peter truly believe that everything would be okay. It was odd, to say the least. Peter knew that Tony was avoiding the elephant in the room, but he wasn’t complaining at all. Peter didn’t really feel ready to talk about it, it was hard to understand it himself, much less explain it to someone he cared so much about.

On the back of his mind, though, Peter thought that maybe Tony wasn’t avoiding the topic because it has hard to talk about, but rather because he just didn’t care about him or about what he had done. Tony made a promise to May to take care of him while she was gone; this was probably him making good on that promise, he didn’t have to care for him to do so.

Still, there was something, a hunch, maybe, that made Peter believe that things would be okay. There was no telling how, when or with whom, but it felt different this time, something was better.

The memories in his head came back little by little and it felt like a fog was clearing out, making it all so much clearer. Unfortunately for Peter, that wasn’t a good thing. With memories came pain, and how much there was the night he was gone. There was so much fear and embarrassment; ultimately, the feeling of burden was brutal, and he thought that it could swallow him whole.

Could this be the time that he could finally control these feelings and be free of his daily misery? Probably not, it seemed unfeasible. There was also the fact that he didn’t deserve it, after all, Tony shouldn’t have to be burdened by him and how he was wasting space. His weakness was very evident, and he hated that he couldn’t do much about it.

While he was dwelling in self-hatred, he clearly heard the door open and saw Tony entered the room, bringing his thoughts to an abrupt halt. Maybe he was delusional, it couldn’t be true, right? Even if his memories were now clear, his reality was still weird to grasp. Was Tony entering the room in that very moment a sign that it would get better? Or maybe he was just losing it and making a deal out of it to trick himself into believing he could actually get better.

Whatever the case, Tony sat by his side and looked him directly in his eyes. It was a pretty intimidating situation, but Peter didn’t dare look away. When he looked at Tony, Peter realized how tired his eyes seemed. It only made Peter’s guilt grow stronger. Deep down, it was very clear that they cared for him, and they must’ve been looking for him, but he didn’t deserve any of it.

Maybe it would’ve been better if he stayed in the Compound and dealt with his demons on his own; he shouldn’t have burdened any of them and now it was clear that he burdened all of them.

“I’m not gonna lie, kid; I missed you.”

It was so odd for Peter to hear that. Tony wasn’t the kind of man that expressed his feelings all that often, so this was something surprising to Peter. Not that he didn’t relish on the fact that Tony thought him worth enough of being missed.

“We were worried, Peter; we care so much for you, I care for you, more than you could ever imagine.”
“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to trouble you.”

For a moment, Peter felt like he was a little kid being scolded by his father. He was still young when his parents died, but he still knew how it felt like to be scolded. It made him wonder, though, was it a good thing that it felt like his father was scolding him? Hopefully it was good; he so desperately wanted it to be good.

“Are you kidding, kid? There isn’t a world in which you’re a problem to me. Not only to me, Peter, you are important to all of us in was you can’t even imagine. Do you really think of yourself as a burden?”

Peter couldn’t even look up; it was too embarrassing to admit. No one wanted to hear someone else saying that they thought that their life was worth nothing, so Peter wanted to just stay quiet. Regardless, staying quiet was a pretty clear indicator of an answer, and he knew that Tony understood what he meant.

“You must be joking, kid, you’re not at all a burden. Seems like you haven’t been nice to yourself lately, huh. Trying to be isn’t always a great experience, but it’s worth it, Pete.”
“What do you mean?”
“You see, kid, I have a pretty turbulent story with drinking, partying and hooking up; I won’t tell you all the gory details, but it was bad. It’s not hard to hate yourself when you’re avoiding reality.”
“Oh.”
“This you definitely know: Pepper and Rhodey were there for me and they helped me through. Bottomline, Pete; I wasn’t alone, it didn’t have to be that hard. You are not alone, and it doesn’t have to be this hard. I’m here with you, you know? Whatever you need.”

Tony probably understood that he needed time to process things, that’s probably why he didn’t comment on the silence coming from Peter. For an unknown reason, Peter felt so loved and cared for. But he just didn’t deserve it; Peter would never be worthy of the support that Tony was offering, and there was no reason for him to care about Peter at all.

“You know, kid, as awesome as it would be, I can’t read minds; talk to me.”

Talking was a scary thing, nowadays. Whatever he said could monumentally screw up the moment and Peter wanted to create a little bubble and stay in it until he died. But he also knew he had to speak, eventually. Tony was making a huge effort to talk to him, and Peter couldn’t be ungrateful.

“Come on, kid, we can make things better, you just gotta give it a shot.”
“I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

The deep breath he took before talking served for nothing; he was sobbing by the time he finished talking. Coming to terms with the fact that he was broken was hard for him, and it was definitely harder to realize that he had just come undone in front of his lifelong hero.

Comfort took place when he felt Tony’s hand rubbing his back. It was hard to explain, but that feeling was home. There were words coming out of Tony’s mouth, but Peter couldn’t make anything of them. There were just so many thoughts in his head and he was deafened by his own sobs.

It was all so damn embarrassing. He was acting just like a toddler making a tantrum out of nothing. He was supposed to be better, and he was supposed to be a hero himself. No hero would be seen sobbing his guts out because of a realization. True heroes delt with it.

Now, though, Tony’s voice took a sterner tone, and Peter knew that that was it, his time for crying was up and he was now up to the challenge of facing Tony. What if he was mad at him for crying so much? He couldn’t afford it, so he immediately shut up.

“We are going to get through this and you won’t be alone, and that’s final.”

With whatever energy he had left, Peter cracked a smile at Tony, trying to make it look believable, but it was definitely a failed attempt. Even he could feel how fake it seemed, it was almost like the muscles in his face had shut down and couldn’t even form a simple smile.

Maybe it was his mind, as always, thinking the worst, but Tony’s expression had annoyance written all over, and Peter hated that he was the cause of it. These past few hours felt like he was even more of a burden than he had been the first week he arrived at the Compound; those were the easier ways and Peter really wished he had appreciated them more.

“Your back isn’t yet where we need it to, you gotta rest kid.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You know, I saw what you did at Coney Island.”
“Oh.”
“It was nice of you to save the guy, but you can’t afford to be this reckless, Pete. What if someone recognized you? You’re certainly in no shape to be swinging around. As much as I’m proud of you for trying to do good by the city, you need to take care of yourself, otherwise you’re just harming yourself.”

Tony was right and Peter knew that. Honestly, as much as he hated it, Peter really didn’t care if someone recognized him or if his body went to hell, as it surely did. After all, his plan was to no longer be on this earth; why would he be concerned about something that wouldn’t be his to deal with? It was selfish, but he was just done with living.

Unfortunately for him, he did survive, and now he had to deal with it. It was a shame, really. Now that he felt a small glimpse of hope for things to be better, he hated how selfish and reckless. Now, it was also true that he had no idea what actually happened. He remembered the man who almost fell from the rollercoaster, and he remembered the sharp pain in his back and the painful scream coming from the man he supposedly saved. Other than that, he had absolutely no idea.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“If Spider-Man makes a comeback, we’re gonna have to work through that, too, you know? Teach you the meaning of the word careful.”

It had been so long since Peter actually was Spider-Man, or at least since he felt like it. So, the silence quickly became awkward, no matter how much they had evolved in making silences comfortable.

It was a dream come true, really. Peter being Spider-Man gave him joy like no other; he obviously wanted to be Spider-Man again. But he also knew that he wasn’t worthy of the suit. Enough damage had been done while he wore it, and Peter was terrified that he would hurt people again. Maybe Tony was saying this to make him have something to look forward to, because, chances were, he wouldn’t trust him with the suit ever again.

“Do you plan on getting back on the suit and swing around the city? Spiderlinging, dare I say.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“There’s no rush, Peter; not like I would encourage you to go back out there, especially now. Just something to consider.”

Then, the now common silence took place again, but Peter wasn’t really paying attention to it. He was thinking a lot about what happened and how much of this was his fault; after all, he was to blame. But there were no answers about the future, and that was even scarier.

“What’s gonna happen now, Mr. Stark?”

Tony’s sigh worried Peter. What did that even mean? Was he also as clueless as he felt? Tony always knew what to do; maybe this time it was too much, and Peter was beyond saving.

Suddenly, though, a small laugh came out of Tony, and that was enough for Peter to feel some sort of relief. Even in such a complicated situation, Peter found peace in knowing that, regardless of what that laugh meant, it was possible to feel that sort of comfort again. Maybe there was hope, after all.

It was most likely that Tony didn’t know how much that meant to Peter, but it was something not even Peter himself could describe. This time it was truly different, he could feel it deep inside him, like his gut was pushing him to believe things would be okay; maybe they would.

“We gotta make sure you’re all patched up, Pete. I already have a physical therapist on call, and Strange says you still need some scans to make sure that your body healed properly.”

That brief moment of hope came and went far quicker than he would’ve wanted. Now that he looked at it, once again, Peter was taking so much space, time, and money from Tony. Objectively, he knew that it meant nothing to Tony, but it still felt like he was putting his world on Tony’s shoulders; it wasn’t fair.

“I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for, kid. How will we get it through that head of yours that we will do anything to get you back on your feet?”
“I know, I’m still –”
“There’s already an appointment set for tonight with your therapist; Strange will drop by later to check on you.”

At the mention of the word, Peter froze. Therapy was something that people needed; Peter wasn’t one of them. He didn’t need therapy at all, he just needed time. Having a therapist would be an inconvenience for everyone; maybe there was also the fact that he didn’t want to admit that he needed help and that he would have to share his feelings.

That was all his mind, and Peter knew that. Peter knew that Tony was talking about a person that would help his body heal, and that would do exercises with him, so his muscles got used to moving again. In no way, shape, or form did Tony mean to say that he would get Peter a psychologist. It still terrified Peter.

“Everything good, kid? What’s up?”
“What’s going to happen with me? You know, about that.”
“Oh, you mean if you’ll see a therapist?”
“Yeah.”
“We can discuss that, kid, it’s always a possibility. You don’t have to if you don’t want to; it’s your choice to make, not mine.”
“Thanks, Mr. Stark.”
“Now what we need to discuss is that you will not be leaving the Compound until further notice, you hear me?”

It was only logical, and Peter didn’t have anything against that at all, but it still felt weird to be grounded, if it could be that. Locked down would probably describe the situation better, but, whatever it was, he was trapped in a golden cage.

“I really want to trust you Pete, but you have to put in the effort. We cant afford to lose you again.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark.”
“Hell, I don’t even want to think about what would’ve happened if I hadn’t catch you on time.”

Peter didn’t know how to respond to that, but it brought him so much pain when he heard Tony’s voice cracking. It was obvious that he mattered to Tony, but it didn’t make it any easier to not hate myself for being the reason for his pain.

“I’m really sorry, Mr. Stark, I really didn’t mean to – ”
“Everything will be okay, you got me?”

With the warm smile that came from Tony’s mouth, Peter believed that everything could actually be okay.

____________________

It had been a while, and Peter was alone again. Tony left to deal with something that Peter even barely understood, and he hadn’t been back since. So, he was alone with his thoughts. Peter didn’t want to ask about his phone or anything because he had left everything behind and felt like he was being ungrateful to ask for it back. It was just him and his troubled mind for quite some hours.

The highlight of those hours were pretty clear. Mostly, he focused on how embarrassing his failure was. He had read plenty about suicide and suicidal people, and how, when they failed, they were happy they did. It concerned Peter that he wasn’t happy but embarrassed instead. It was unlikely that he would try it again, that’s for sure, but it didn’t make it any less mortifying to deal with everything he thought he wouldn’t have to anymore.

There was also the team he thought about. Peter loved them so much and he regretted not spending more time with them. Maybe, if things actually got better, he could put in the effort to hang out with them more. It was also very likely that they were involved in his search, so it was embarrassing, but he was still grateful. Truth was, he missed them so much that it gave Peter motivation to be better.

A thought that he didn’t really want to entertain but he still did was May. She was everything to him and it felt like his greatest betrayal to her was to end his life like that. She had given so much for him and, now that he failed, maybe it was time for him to make it up to her. Surely Tony didn’t tell Peter the entire story of what had been told to May. If it wasn’t serious, she wouldn’t have had the intention to fly back. He had to be better for her.

Pepper was like an angel sent from heaven. Her mere presence gave Peter a sense of peace that he constantly struggled to find, and it felt like she was the mother he no longer had.

Now, May was his aunt, and he would love her more than anything in the world; but May never wanted kids, she got stuck with Peter due to life twists and turns. But Pepper was something else. Peter didn’t know if she ever wanted to have kids, but Peter was sure he had a maternal side to her that May lacked. Peter felt safe with her in a totally different way, and it felt like home.

Thinking about Tony was… weird. He wanted to avoid it but there was nothing else in his mind that took up so much space. Peter had already decided that he would never tell him, but he had become like a father to him, and he adored Tony and everything he represented.

The man had been there for him when he needed it and he even took care of him when May couldn’t. There were so many things Peter had learned from Tony that it was difficult to keep count. But what Peter knew for sure is that Tony was the one person in his life he could never let go of. He was the one person that made Peter truly want to get better; he wanted to give back at least a tiny bit of what Tony had given him, it was only fair.

With fear, Peter realized it was lunch time, and he dreaded what would happen. He wasn’t at all ready to eat anything, it hadn’t crossed his mind, but now that it did, it scared him. After all, surviving having jumped off Brooklyn Bridge didn’t magically take away everything he dealt with, especially his issues with eating.

Thankfully, though, Tony and Pepper were there with him. They brought up some chicken broth for him to eat, and he was grateful for it. At least it wasn’t something solid. Truth be told, aside from how he felt about eating in general, Peter didn’t think he could stomach something solid.

It was completely twisted of him, but the realization of the fact that he hadn’t eaten over a week made him feel proud of himself, even if it wasn’t his doing. His stomach didn’t feel as hollow as it used to, but it was definitely nice to feel empty; it was something he knew and it was something safe.

Stephen Strange entered the room around 4pm. Peter knew he was coming but he didn’t really want to see him for countless reasons. For one, he knew that Stephen was the one who dealt with him after Tony caught him, it was pretty embarrassing. On the other hand, though, he didn’t realize it, but there was a part of him that maybe didn’t want to get better. It was just something that was nagging at him and couldn’t really shake.

As he entered the room, Tony shook Stephen’s hand and they made small talk. It was all pretty rare, really. How much time had they spent together to act this civil? They were both men with huge egos and Tony knew that they never had a great relationship. Was this his fault? Was Tony forced to deal with him because of Peter’s failure? The mere thought made him sick to his stomach.

“How are you feeling, Peter?”
“I’m fine.”

He said he was fine, but it wasn’t true. Peter felt sore all over and he was so weak he wondered if he could actually stand up. But Peter knew that, if he told the truth, they’d have him stay in his bed for the rest of his life, and he just didn’t want that.

“We’re gonna run some tests, make sure your back is all healed up.”
“Okay…”
“Stark, you have the equipment, yes?”
“Yup, next building to the right, top floor.”
“Well then, what are we waiting for?”

When he heard that they wanted him to go up to the med bay, Peter panicked and didn’t move a single muscle. It wasn’t that he was afraid of the tests or anything like it, he just didn’t want to face the team. What did they even know? Tony was the one to catch him, so it wasn’t like they had to know what happened.

It was shameful, and Peter just knew he wasn’t ready to face the reality that he had failed at killing himself. Within the walls of his room, it felt unreal, but he knew that, if he went out, it would be true and it would crush him.

“They’re not in the main building, kid; I have them locked up in the right building. You’ll see them when you’re ready.”

It was truly amazing how much Tony knew Peter. He didn’t even have to say a word for Tony to know what was going through his head, and Peter was grateful like he never had been. Now, Stephen took Peter’s attention and he gestured for him to get up. Peter did not want to. It was most likely that he would fall, and it was another embarrassment he would have to add to his pile. When he didn’t move, both men turned to him; Tony had his well know suspicious expression on his face, and Stephen simply sighed.

“Not feel fine, are we?”
“I’m sorry, Dr. Strange, I don’t feel strong enough.”

It was something he didn’t want to admit. The embarrassment he felt made it so that he couldn’t look up. How could it be possible that he had such strong enhancements but now was so pathetic that he couldn’t even get his legs to work? It was too hard to take and Peter just wanted to hide and never come back.

“There’s no reason for you to not eat solids, that will certainly give you more energy. We can try again tomorrow.”
“Anything else, doc?”
“You should call that therapist and work on him moving again; she’ll put a back brace on him for the time being to keep it still until we can check if it completely healed.”

Not that he would’ve wanted otherwise, but Peter felt like he had disappeared. Tony and Stephen were talking to each other, not even looking at Peter. It was probably for the best, though. Inside, Peter was screaming about the panic that came with having to face real food. The lack of control made his head spin around, he couldn’t control either starving or binging, and it drove him insane.

“I’ll drop by tomorrow. Hey, kid, you have to put in the effort for this to work. We can do everything on our power, but it is all up to you, you got that? This is your life and this is how you decide to live it out.”

Not much after, Stephen left, and Peter was once again left alone with Tony. He didn’t mind at all, but it was that kind of situation in which it was obvious that they wanted to speak but none of them did. Peter knew he wanted to say something, but he just couldn’t figure out what it was. Tony, apparently, did.

“Strange is right, you know? It’s your life.”
“I know, Mr. Stark.”
“You gotta eat something, kid; can’t spend the rest of your life holed up in this room.”
“I DON’T WANT THAT REST OF MY LIFE; I DON’T WANT TO BE ALIVE.”

There were little times that Peter could recall when Tony was left speechless. He was always the kind of person that had a remark to make or a simple comment to add to any conversation. This time, Tony was quiet and just looked absolutely horrified at Peter. He truly didn’t mean to snap at Tony, he really didn’t, but there wasn’t a foreseeable future in which Peter chose to be alive.

“Talk to me Peter.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Can’t help you if you don’t give me something to work with.”
“I said it doesn’t matter.”
“You know what, Pete, how about you lower that tone? We’ll talk later.”

It was true, he didn’t want to get mad, but he also wasn’t ready to answer questions that he knew Tony wouldn’t like to hear the answers to. Eventually Tony would find out everything, but Peter just couldn’t deal with it now. It was sad, but he just didn’t know how to control his life anymore; it was like it was everyone else’s choice but his.

“Your physical therapist will be here in an hour.”

With nothing else, Tony stood up and walked to the door, surprising Peter by how calm he was, considering the turmoil that boiled up in Peter’s mind.

____________________

Stephanie was a nice woman, and she was kind and patient. Honestly, physical therapy was great, much unlike what he initially thought it was. He thought that it would be horrifying and that he would seem weak, but it wasn’t like that.

Yes, he did feel weak, and he was horrified at first at how pathetic it was. But Stephanie had something to her that was so patient with him and that she could be vulnerable around her. Even so that she encouraged him enough for him to keep going when he wanted to give up.

Peter hated himself for wanting to give up, it was unlike a normal hero would do. But he was grateful that Stephanie was there with him. She helped Peter and that made him think that that may be just a small glimpse of what life could be like if he let someone help him when he felt weak.

It went great, and all Peter wanted was for Tony to be there with him, but he knew that he pissed him off, so he couldn’t well share with him how great it felt to be back on his feet and feel a sense of autonomy after so long. Still, Peter wanted Tony to see how he was trying to do better, even if he couldn’t truly believe it himself.

The back brace felt… weird. His spine was grateful for it; it felt like he had something to support it, instead of it trying to hold on to his damaged links to keep it in shape. It also hurt a lot less when he had the brace on. Ironically, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his back.

One question lingered around Peter’s head, and it involved his future, something he was actively avoiding. How much physical therapy would he need? Most people usually needed months of it, but he wasn’t like most people, and his enhancements might play nice in this situation.

Peter didn’t think it would be long for him to physically heal, at least that was what he hoped for; being perceived as weak was Peter’s worst nightmare, and he would to anything to avoid that.

At the end of the session, Stephanie told him that he was allowed to walk on his own but that he had to take it slow, otherwise the situation could easily take a turn for the worse. He was eternally grateful for that, going to the bathroom on his own was something he desperately wanted and had been putting off out of shame.

Sundown came sooner than Peter expected, and it was now 7pm, which meant dinner time. It was something ever so present in his mind – he didn’t want to disappoint Pepper and he especially didn’t want to disappoint Tony.

There was no word of it, so he thought that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to skip it. Peter knew that he had to eat if he wanted to really get back on his feet, but it was hard to ignore the loud voice that demanded him to keep his mouth shut.

Unsurprisingly, but still disappointing, as Peter began to have hope that he could go to sleep with an empty stomach, FRIDAY spoke and called him to dinner. So, with dread, he pulled himself out of bed. It hurt more than he thought it would, but he was determined to make it seem like he wasn’t in pain. Dragging himself to the elevator, Peter felt as weak as ever. Stephanie allowed him to walk, but she also said that he should definitely avoid stairs for now. How pathetic was it that he couldn’t even go down one floor?

As soon as he got out of the elevator, Peter was met with the sight of Tony and Pepper. It was a relief to have both of them with him, it made him feel at ease, no matter what the situation was with Tony. Having both of them there also meant that he would make an extra effort to eat so he wouldn’t let them down.

The conflict in his head was too great; one told him that he was going to get better soon, and the other screamed at him to run away as fast as he could and maybe put some rocks in his pockets and take a swim in the lake.

As he got closer, Peter could smell the strong scent of Thai food. It wasn’t coincidental, and Peter really appreciated that they got food that once was comfort food for both him and May. They knew him well, and he loved them for it. But the strong smell made Peter feel nauseated. It had been a long time since he had such food, and it was just weird because he was famished.

It was awkward, to say the least. Tony eyed him for most of the dinner, and it was the type of look filled with concern and irritation. On the other hand, Pepper was her usual self, a determined, gentle woman who made casual conversation at the table. Tony must’ve explained the situation and was probably trying to make the situation easier on all of them.

To Peter’s surprise, he ate normally. He didn’t dread each bite, but he also didn’t shove it all in one bite. Whatever the case, feeling normal during dinner was something he hadn’t felt in a while. A breakdown was expected, but it didn’t happen. He felt safe, and that safety made him want to get better; made him want to be stronger and made him want to cling on the hope that he could soon be Spider-Man again.

____________________

72 hours went by in a bliss, and Peter didn’t really realize how fast it had gone. Focusing on himself was odd, more specifically, focusing on the good of himself was odd, and it was a nice feeling. This was probably how people felt, right? Maybe this was what he had to aim for.

“Let’s go, kid, time for those scans; we all want that out of the way; chop chop.”
“I’ll be out in a minute.”

Things were better with Tony, so much so that the next morning they were chatting like nothing had ever happened, even more like they were closer than ever before. Peter had come to terms with the fact that he was in for the full deal now and that there was no backing up, it was now or never.

It had been a long time since he was in the med bay and the cold environment brought Peter horrible memories; something he couldn’t quite pinpoint, but his body told him that he shouldn’t be there. Stephen was now there, too, and he got to task rather quickly, not like Peter would complain.

“Well, Peter, things look great. I was concerned that your healing would get in the way of a full recovery, but it looks like everything’s were it should be. I was mostly worried about your clavicle, but it seems like it rearranged itself.”
“That’s good, right?”
“Everything’s good on this end; you should keep the brace on for a couple more days to keep your spine straight until it’s completely set.”
“Sure.”
“Eating wasn’t that bad, was it? it really does some miracles.”

Three days wasn’t that much, but it felt like he got a lot done in little time. He felt exhausted, even though his body was more alive than it ever was. Every day he ate three meals with Tony and Pepper. Sometimes he would look for a snack here and there, but then he got scared and went back up.

Things became easier after that first dinner. At night they talked it through, and things just eased up like a puzzle piece falling into its place. Tony offered a deal and Peter took it. Tony promised he’d slow down on his questions if he promised to eat three meals a day and kept it in. It wasn’t the greatest deal for Peter, but it was enough for him to keep things cool with Tony, and, even if he was in denial about it, it was for the best.

Curiously enough, he enjoyed the meals. They were pretty balanced, which surprised Peter. There would always be options: protein, vegetables or fruits, carbohydrates, and sometimes they’d take out sweets. Peter usually ate a small portion of whatever protein seemed to have the least calories. He didn’t even look at the fruits or carbohydrates and avoided the sweets like the plague.

Even if he tried, he just couldn’t bring himself to choose those things; at least Tony and Pepper seemed to be cool with the fact that he was eating something. The feeling of food in his mouth was so weird and foreign but he didn’t exactly hated like he thought he would. It was like throwing himself off the bridge reset his mind and like it was open to learn to live again, not letting go of residual thoughts.

One of those thoughts was the deep desire to go to the bathroom immediately after finishing the last bite so he could purge it all out. Even if he knew it was wrong, it wasn’t like Tony and Pepper gave him much of a choice but to stay at the table. They casually talked directly to him and asked questions so that he couldn’t stand up and go.

There was also the fact that he was aware that he would hurt himself in more ways than one. His back was in theory healed, but he knew that hunching over the toilet would hurt like hell. Purging would lead to disappointment to Tony, and he just couldn’t afford to bring more pain to the man’s life. And, what was most important, it would make Peter weaker, which defeated the whole purpose.

All in all, it wasn’t like he was having the time of his life around food, and it was definitely hard, but he was slowly, very slowly, working through it.

Tony had been thankfully patient with Peter when it came to having himself stay in the left building. He made sure that Peter stayed out of sight from the rest of the team, and it was relieving to Peter. Rhodey and Bruce still had their rooms in the left building, but Tony had them stay in the right building for the time being, which made Peter feel guilty that they couldn’t go to their rooms because of him. Still, he wasn’t ready to face them, and Tony supported him.

“So, kid, have you been thinking about going out of this building? It must be getting old, don’t you think?”

At first, Peter felt like an intruder in the top floor, it was Tony and Pepper’s space, and he didn’t want to intrude. Now, though, they were watching a movie like it was a normal routine. It was so casual and familiar that Peter didn’t for a second think that it wasn’t awkward.

“They miss you; you know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know, I miss them, too.”
“So, what’s the verdict? What’s going through that head of yours?”
“Would it be okay if we have dinner with them tomorrow? It’s okay if it’s not possible.”
“That sounds great, Pete.”

After thinking it through Peter realized that he would eventually face them, and it had been long enough. Two weeks without seeing them was a long time, and he wanted to learn more from them and really appreciate every second with them. Even though he was guilty for having wasted their time and energy when they were looking for him, Peter really looked forward to seeing them again.

During those three days, Peter worked with Stephanie twice a day. It went great, and he actually wanted the therapy to begin as soon as he woke up. It was a space that gave him the opportunity to think about what his body was telling him and what he could and couldn’t do. It just felt exhilarating.

Strength was coming back to him, and his enhancements were coming back; God did he miss them. Yes, he had them on and off, but he hadn’t felt them this strongly since before he came to the Compound. The last session he had he felt like he didn’t need help to have support to move. He felt alive.

It was a scary feeling, though. During his lifetime Peter had had a long share of disappointment, and he didn’t want to get used to such a feeling because it was a very real possibility that it could go away as quickly as it came. Yet, it didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy the small moments, like when Stephanie suggested that he should get back to his normal activity level, whatever that meant.

She said it could be good for him to start training again, taking it slow and knowing when to take a break; that it was probably a good idea to get back to training with the team. One thing that stood out to him was how Stephanie said that he should be mindful of his body, and had to listen if it was telling him to stop; he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It was now late afternoon, and he was with Tony, playing videogames in the top floor. He knew that he told Tony that he wanted to see the team again, but, as the time came closer, so did Peter’s fear.

“You ready to see the lot again?”
“Yeah, I think I am. I also wanted to tell you something.”

The surprised expression on Tony’s face didn’t go unnoticed, and it was amusing to Peter. Lately, the routine was pretty clear; Peter talking like that to Tony wasn’t part of it. The man certainly didn’t expect Peter to just want to tell him something. Lately, it was Tony who had to start all the conversations; this was a good change, or so Peter believed.

“Uhm, so, Stephanie said something about being mindful about my body and, uhm, yeah, I thought it was nice.”

Looking back on it, it was probably a pretty ridiculous thing to share. Why would he tell him that? It had no relevance whatsoever and he immediately regretted it. His gut wanted to share it; still embarrassed but he felt like it was comfortable, that, maybe, behind how pathetic he felt when he said it, it was a good thing.

“Good advice; wise woman. What have you done about it?”
“I’m not really sure, I don’t know how to.”
“Everything has a time and place, there’s no rush at all. But we do have somewhere to be right about now, you ready?”

Notes:

Can't believe I'm posting this so soon lmao

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts, suggestions, and opinions.

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Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 47: the day will come when you can't cover up what you've done

Summary:

TW/ ed and depression thoughts, guns (????) - read notes

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Since the first day that Peter arrived at the Compound, he was glad to be there; it was surreal. The left building became his home, and he loved it there, but getting out of it was a relief he didn’t expect. It seemed like his room was now a representation of how much he had fucked up; maybe he could take Tony up on that offer to change it, start fresh.

It wasn’t like his room wasn’t good; it was amazing. Regardless, he had been staying at the Compound for over a month now and the whole time he had been there it was heartbreak after heartbreak. If this was truly the time for him to get better, maybe starting by changing his surroundings wasn’t such a bad idea. He wondered how badly it could inconvenience Tony; the man offered, but Peter never thought to take him up on that offer.

Now that he thought of it, maybe painting the walls and changing the sheets wasn’t the greatest idea; maybe it was too much to ask for. Whatever the case, it was something for later. Right now, Peter was face with the imminent dinner with the team, and that was just about scary enough for him to want to run away again.

As he got out of the left building, he felt a refreshing warm air that made it all seem so… new. As the air hit his face, Peter enjoyed for a moment the situation in itself. It was good. Peter was next to Tony, in a secure place, and he was safe. Things were going to be okay, or so he desperately hoped.

Was everyone in there expecting them? Tony probably told them that he would be making his appearance that night, so they were probably aware of the situation. Being the center of attention was something Peter actively avoided, and he desperately hoped this was one of the times that he could just be there, instead of being the talk of the dinner.

What was he saying? That was totally egotistical. He was thinking too much of himself, like he was worthy enough of their attention for them to focus on him for the entire night. He was just an inconvenient for them, and they had to put up with him because Tony said so.

There was also the thing about him having jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge. They all must know about that; there was no way Tony simply chose against telling them. There were so many implications to his stay at the Compound that he had to tell the truth.

The same shame and embarrassment came over him when he remembered he miserably failed at taking his own life. Peter objectively knew that they thought it was great that he failed, but any sort of failure made Peter want to die; however ironic. God only knows how long they spent looking for him, and Peter was grateful, but he also hated that he got in the way of their lives. It wasn’t fair.

“What’s up, kid? Your silence is deafening.”
“Mr. Stark… what do they know? You know, about that.”
“They know most of it, it wasn’t easy to keep it a secret, you know? We were all looking for you and they deserve answers. Though they don’t know about the last three days, if that serves for something.”
“What’s going to happen?”
“What’s gonna happen is that we’re gonna sit down and have dinner, Pete. Pepper is going to be there, too. It’s a dinner just like any other. You don’t have to talk about any of it if you don’t want to, you hear me?”
“So, about dinner…”
“It’s grilled chicken, steamed veggies, noodles, and rice. Take your pick, kid, but remember we agreed on protein and veggies; noodles wouldn’t hurt, either.”

Peter wanted noodles. God, he wanted noodles so bad. It had been such a long time since he last ate any sort of pasta without feeling like the world was crumbling, but his stomach was craving those noodles, and Peter wondered if this would be the time when he ate it without wanting to immediately go purge.

His appetite was also one of the biggest stakeholders in the matter. It was making its presence increasingly known in Peter’s brain, and he just didn’t know how to deal with it. It’s not like he could ignore it; the conflict.

He was hungry, constantly. After all, he was beginning to accept his enhancements and what came with them. When he heard his body say he was hungry, he ate. But his mind was desperately yelling at him to stop and starve so that he could make the most of the enhancements he was given. The food in front of him didn’t freak him out as much as it should, but his brain still nagged him to just shut his mouth and never open it again.

Most times, Peter had dinner with both Pepper and Tony; they made him feel safe. At first it was hard to eat in front of them, he didn’t like how that felt. Peter could only see judgement and disappointment in their eyes, and he hated it. Little by little it got better, but now he had to face the entire team and eat in front of them. It was terrifying.

Noodles sounded great, they really did, and Peter wanted them. It would certainly make Tony happy that he was expanding his palate, even if Peter dreaded it. Who knows? Maybe overthinking noodles would be his new normal, and that may not be such a terrible thing.

Now they were at the entrance of the main building and Peter was actually freaking out on the inside. It felt like he was about to meet the Avengers all over again, except this time he did know they and they knew him and his darkest moment. It was all scary, and that seemed to be his default setting these past couple of days.

“We can go back whenever you need, okay? Just say the world and we’re out of there.”

Tony was so understanding and had been so supportive, Peter couldn’t even begin to think about how to thank him for it. He couldn’t imagine going through this any other way that wasn’t with Tony. So, not knowing what to say, Peter simply smiled and opened the door, even if his hand was shaking with fear.

As soon as they stepped into the kitchen, everyone turned to look at them. That much was expected; it happened whenever anyone entered any type of room. But, what was truly unexpected to Peter was how everyone was just chill; there was no awkward environment and it didn’t feel like they were looking at him like he was the freak that tried to kill himself.

“It’s great to see you, Pete!”
“We missed you, Peter.”
“You look great, kid.”

Those words warmed Peter’s heart, and he just felt so at home that he didn’t know how to express how much he enjoyed being there with them. Wanda’s hug was the most unexpected thing that could’ve ever happened. No one really hugged anyone, it just wasn’t something that happened. Surprising even himself, Peter didn’t back away.

He usually did, too afraid of people feeling his body and his fat. But now, Wanda’s embrace was great, and he didn’t want to let go. A part of him didn’t want to hug her, but then his sane mind told him that it was okay, that everything was okay. It was just nice to have them all there again.

“How are you doing, Pete?”
“I feel great, kinda hungry…”

Tony’s smile told him enough; things were great, and the man knew that. If Peter thought that, it must be true, he would blindly trust Tony, without even blinking.

“Well, everyone, what are you all doing standing there? How long have you been here just slouching around?”
“Just finishing setting up the table, don’t get your panties in a bunch.”
“It’s dinner time, kids, gather around.”
“I gotta go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

Peter’s words stopped everyone in their tracks, and they all looked at him. It didn’t take a genius to know why they all acted that way, but Peter still felt like an animal in a zoo.

“Chop chop, we don’t have all night.”

Tony really was doing his best to keep things cool and make it easier on Peter, and he appreciated him so much for it. Truth was, he wanted to go to the bathroom because he felt like he was home, and he didn’t want everyone to see him tearing up at the thought that he was happy.

“Everything good, kid?”
“I’m okay, Mr. Stark, I’m just going to wash my hands.”
“Let me know if you need anything; I trust you. You better come back soon, your dinner will get cold and microwaved meals just – nasty.”
“I’ll be right out.”

When he was already in the bathroom out of sight, Peter let out a breath he didn’t really know he was holding. The whole thing was overwhelming, and not just dinner. Whenever he thought about the actual process of getting better, he was exhausted, and it had only been three days. There was just so much to tackle and so many battels he had to face on his own that just overwhelmed him.

But for right now, Peter just let out a couple of tears and chuckled a smile at the mirror. He was really glad to be part of such a team, it made his heart filled with joy, however troubled it currently was. But, Peter knew that, despite every dark thought in his head, he had Sam’s laughter and Clint’s banter, among others, to hold on to.

It was hard for him to come to terms with having to eat. Food was a constant thought in his mind, and he hated it. Why couldn’t he just let it go? There wasn’t really a desire to eat. Peter could very well just walk out and starve, but it just couldn’t be that way anymore.

The fear of eating in front of everyone resurfaced, and it was just an irrational fear he couldn’t just share with Tony because it was something he didn’t understand. There was still panic within him, and he didn’t want everyone to know. Pepper and Tony were a separate case. They became sort of his main support system, and he was now comfortable eating in front of them; but not with all the team.

With every step he took, Peter felt himself getting stronger and feeling his enhancements making their way back to him. While it was nice, strength meant calories, and calories meant fat.

It had been a very long while since he last weighed himself, but the mere thought of the scale made him want to run away and never come back. With that thought came the reminder of Helen and how the results said he had to eat 8,000 calories a day to keep his metabolism running. If it wasn’t for the fact that he had to face everyone in a couple of minutes, Peter would’ve surely puked at the thought of eating that much.

Did Bucky and Steve eat all the calories they were told to? Peter could see that it could be possible, but he just never for a moment imagined that would ever be his case. Hopefully Tony wasn’t trying to slowly get him to eat 8,000 calories. Things were going so great between them, and Peter knew he would definitely snap if he was forced to eat that much.

With hesitation and knowing it wouldn’t be long before Tony came looking for him, Peter came out of the bathroom and headed to the dining room. As he sat on Tony’s right, and facing Pepper, peter realized that his plate had already been served. That had happened before, and it used to enrage him. This time, it didn’t. It was really weird for him not to hate that they served his plate, but he was grateful that they knew he wouldn’t eat anything but chicken and vegetables.

Everyone was looking at Peter, and that comfortable environment that was before he went to the bathroom was now gone, leaving everyone fixating on Peter and his plate. Did they know about how he struggled with food? Peter seriously hoped not, otherwise this would be much more difficult. Not unlike the times before, Tony came to his rescue and spoke up.

“Well, I’ve got news. The Stark Relief Foundation has now increased its operation in central Africa and eastern Europe, thanks to the wonderful woman to my left. As of Sokovia, you’ll be glad to know that the rebuilding process will hopefully be done within the year, and everyone will be able to go back.”
“Thanks, Tony.”
“It would be pretty useful if some of you guys make yourselves present in refugee camps to help out in any way possible; that would help a lot and turn the public opinion for the better.”
“Where can we start, Pepper?”
“Sokovia would be a great start, especially if Ms. Maximoff could go; it would send a great message.”
“Count me in, whenever you say.”
“I was thinking Steve, Wanda, and Clint. What do you guys think?”
“We’re in, just say the word.”
“I’ll send the details when I get authorization from the government and the respective NGOs working the camps, but it will probably be this month.”

Pepper was a wonderful woman. This was just some of the moments when Peter could appreciate it. She said it so casually, like it was just a plan to go get coffee, not like it could monumentally change the situation for the team. It made Peter forget about the food on his plate and focus on how they were planning to make things right.

“Moving to official business – ”
“James Partypooper Rhodes.”
“As I was saying before Sam rudely interrupted, Ross got the draft we sent last week. He was not happy that we actually followed the deadline. Dude can’t bring in tanks now.”
“What’s that, Rhodey?”
“Did you seriously forget, Tony?”
“Forget about what? What is this about?”
“Dude, the Accords; Ross set the deadline for the 27th, what day do you think it is?”
“It completely slipped my mind; any other comment about that?”
“Just in case you forgot to read, it’s August 5th. We were all looking for Peter so I sent what they had with some additional stuff to keep them entertained for a while.”
“Nice move.”

Little by little, Peter made himself smaller in his chair, wanting to disappear. How could he let this happen? Shame and regret washed him over; he was the reason that they didn’t send a real proposal. He was the reason why things weren’t moving at the pace that they were supposed to.

This is exactly what Tony would never understand. The man always said that Peter wasn’t a burden, but this was the exact definition of being a burden; he literally got in the way of official business. It was something so important, and he ruined it. The only thing he wanted to do was run out of the building and hurt himself. He now had the strength to run faster than most of them; maybe it was a real possibility, and he could get the punishment he deserved.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to screw it up, I’m really sorry.”
“Nothing’s wrong, Peter, you didn’t screw anything up.”
“Banner’s right, kid; it was nice having them assholes back off for a minute.”
“How does that man even get his head so far up his ass?”

As Sam joked, and everyone followed, Peter had a moment to appreciate Bruce’s reassurance. It wasn’t the first time that he squeezed his hand for comfort, and Peter was so grateful that he had someone other than Tony and Pepper that he could trust with his issues.

“You’re not a problem, Peter, you hear me?”
“But, Mr. Stark, this was my fault. It’s not about opinions; if it weren’t for me screwing things up, everything would be better.”
“Are you kidding? You’re the reason we even had something to hand in. That whole thing you said about working on a local level and working with each other’s skills was great. Why do you think Pepper is working on getting them to refugee camps? It’s all you, kid.”
“Tony’s right, Pete; we need you.”
“See? Even his star-spangled ass thinks so, too.”

Peter really didn’t have anything else to say. He didn’t particularly believe anything they said; after all, he was on suicide watch and no one would say anything that would even slightly trigger him. So, it was just another smile.

The meal went on normally, nothing out of the usual. They all continued talking and Peter heard that they had to resume the meetings so that they’d be prepared when they got the draft back. That’s about as much as Peter paid attention to. Pepper served his plate with chicken and vegetables, but it wasn’t enough.

Not at all happy with the fact, Peter realized he was still hungry. Stephanie’s words really stuck with him, and Peter was trying to be mindful with his body, which was now telling him he was hungry. But what if he wasn’t? What if this was his brain telling him to binge and drown his sorrows with food? He couldn’t still be hungry, right? It couldn’t be a binge if he only wanted a small portion of noodles.

Now that he disconnected from the world, Peter took a second and realized he was, in fact, still hungry and he hated it. His body still wanted food, and his enhancements needed more food. It just sucked, really, there was no other way to put it. Peter truly struggled to come to terms with that, and he didn’t want anyone to know how much was going through his brain about a single serving of noodles.

Trying to make it seem like it was nothing, Peter got up from his chair and made his way to the kitchen island and served himself a spoonful of noodles, trying particularly hard to avoid thinking numbers. It really wasn’t a lot, definitely not nearly enough to what his body needed.

His body wouldn’t forgive him if he ate any less, but his mind would torture him if he ate more. That constant conflict in his mind kept messing with Peter, and it was getting increasingly annoying, to the point where he just didn’t know what to do to not go crazy.

It didn’t take a second for Peter to realize that the whole team went quiet. He wasn’t facing them but he knew for sure that they were all looking at him, which Peter really didn’t like. It made him feel like some of them were disgusted that he wanted to eat even more food, or others were just distraught by the fact that he was eating more than he was served. Still, he tried.

“Do you guys want more noodles? If you’re shy, I can just pass the bowl, it’s no trouble.”

Tony’s smile at everyone’s chuckle didn’t go unnoticed to Peter, and he loved it. Whatever battle in his head was worth Tony’s happiness. He had taken so much from him, and he had given so much for Peter that the least he could do was try and give him some peace of mind.

“Don’t mind if I do.”
“Put another serving in for me, Buck.”

Peter sat down with his noodles. It was just them, and he didn’t leave any room for his demons.

____________________

Peter really wanted to believe that things were getting better, he really did. Nothing was ever that easy, and Peter was having a hard time being positive about it all. The situation was just stressful enough as it is and, now that he was now with the team, it was all even more stressful. It was pretty obvious that they were acting like nothing was happening, but it was evident that they were pretending.

He couldn’t blame them at all, it was most likely that he would act the same if any of them did what he did. Still, it wasn’t something that Peter enjoyed at all. He could feel that they cared for him, but it didn’t make it any easier to be the center of attention. Guilt was building up and he was truly having a hard time letting it out without worrying Tony and hurting himself.

It was almost like his instinct was to go ahead and hurt himself but now he had to fight against it; it was as hard as it gets and it was just frustrating and exhausting.

As dinner came to an end, the entire team came up to the living room, which was honestly surprising. Peter had been too deep into his own mind that he truly didn’t know what was going on around him, much less know if they gathered every other day to just hang out. It felt like it was normal, and Peter relished in it; how it felt like nothing had changed at all.

Maybe it was his paranoia of being judged, but Peter was convinced that, just like before, they would all act weird about it. Regardless, just like before, it all felt like it would be okay. Pepper was gone now, she said she had an early meeting in the morning, so she couldn’t really stay long.

Peter was glad that she wasn’t leaving the Compound, but it still wasn’t great that she wasn’t there. During this time, Peter truly relied on Pepper for comfort; she was the kind of person that is sure to make you feel safe when you need, and Peter desperately needed that.

The only thing that threw Peter off was Natasha and Tony talking on the far corner of the room. It wasn’t weird per se; they were close and regularly spoke. But now, Peter thought that Tony was barking orders left and right about how they should all treat him, and maybe this was just the beginning.

His enhancements were fully back to where they first were, and it felt great. Now, Peter wondered if they were even better than he thought, now given that his body demanded more food. It was probably beyond Peter’s greatest dreams what his body could do, but that didn’t matter at the moment.

What was going on was the fact that Peter could probably hear what they were saying to each other. He had done that before but ended with his heart shattered. So, this time, out of respect and fear, he chose to ignore it. After all, not everything that Tony did or said was about him; he had to get off his high horse that he was the center of attention, it was pathetic.

Not soon after, Sam joined the conversation, which further perked Peter’s intrigue. It was just for the best that he didn’t hear. For some reason, Peter believed that it was just right to keep his enhancements to himself for now. No one had to know how much more he could do; it was for the best.

Ignoring everything else, Peter went to the couches and tried to find his place. He wasn’t particularly sure about what he was trying to do, but it was still weird to try and find his place, not particularly in the living room, but in the world itself.

There were so many thoughts and conflicts in his mind, that Peter just couldn’t get his mind straight. It made him dizzy and was constantly overwhelmed, which did no good to the effort that he was putting in for Tony. Every instinct in him wanted to go away and hide in his room, trying as hard as he could to not look for blades. It was such a hard task that he just didn’t know if he could take it.

The one he found the closest was Wanda, and Peter didn’t think of it as a coincidence. They had grown closer regardless of what happened almost a month ago, and he knew that, deep down, he could trust her, and he did. Maybe she could help him. For a long time, she also battled her own demons, and maybe, just maybe, she could help him find his way to some quiet in his mind.

“Hey, Peter, come here.”
“Hi, Wanda, how are you today?”
“Everything okay, nothing much other than seeing you again.”
“Yeah…”
“What about dinner? Did you like it?”
“It was good, really good.”
“Why don’t you just go ahead and ask what you really want to know.”
“Am I really that transparent?”
“You are to me.”
“What happened while I was gone?”
“Where is this question coming from?”
“Curiosity, I guess.”
“We care about you a lot, Pete. Whatever happened these days was worth it because you’re here. All that matters is that you’re here now.”

It was a pretty smart way to dodge the questions he wanted the answers to. Granted, it was clear to anyone with two brain cells that he wanted the answers so he could torture himself for burdening them. Still, Peter wanted to know, and he desperately wanted to find a way to do so; but it wouldn’t be today.

“Uhm, Wanda?”
“Yes, Peter?”
“Can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure, what can I do for you?”

Now, if Tony found out, he would definitely be mad. This was something that he strongly disagreed with, but Peter just wanted the one thing that Wanda could do for him that no one else could. It was embarrassing and he felt like a child, but that didn’t stop him.

“Could you please use your powers on me?”
“Are you forgetting what happened the last time I did this?”
“Yes, but this time is different because I’m asking you; besides, Mr. Stark doesn’t have to know about it. He’s busy anyway, I doubt he’ll notice.”
“What do you need from me?”
“Peace.”

It surely was too abstract a concept, but Peter just didn’t know how else to say it. The turmoil in his head only increased, and it was harder to control it than it was the second before. Honestly, even he didn’t know what he meant by that, but, apparently, Wanda did and sneaked him upstairs, making sure Tony was none the wiser.

Peter hadn’t been to the rooms on the main building since his arrival to the Compound and the tour that Sam led. It was odd being there; he didn’t have a reason to be there, but he trusted Wanda, so he followed her into a room. Peter thought she would just get in his head, like the first time she ever did. But this wasn’t it.

Suddenly, his surroundings changed, and he was with her in a whole new reality. They were both sitting, ironically, on top of the Brooklyn Bridge, facing the skyline in New York which was washed with yellow and orange colors as the sunset reached the city. No traffic was heard, only a slight sound of music in the background. This was peace.

Abruptly, there was a new scenario in front of him, and this was something he recognized. It was forever ago, or so it felt. They were at the carnival he technically coordinated when their team won decathlon practice. Everyone was laughing and smiling and having fun; Peter could feel their happiness. This was peace.

Yet again, the reality changed, and this one made him nostalgic. He was sitting with May at their regular thai food restaurant talking about damaged backpacks, long hours, and annoying coworkers. May was telling him that she was taking a day off for them to go to a picnic together. This was peace.

“Life can be beautiful Peter; you just need to allow yourself to see it.”
“Thank you so much, Wanda, really.”

There were no words that could express how thankful Peter was to Wanda for having given him that experience. It really gave him a small sense of relief with every conflict in his head. It was almost like his brain called cease fire so that it could get ammo and get back to war. He hugged her so tight that Peter truly forgot how long it had been, but he cherished it, even as the illusion faded away.

“Let’s go, Pete, they must be missing you by now.”

As they went down the stairs, Peter could feel Tony’s eyes on him, and he genuinely thought that he would be mad at him, but it was almost more intrigue than anger. So, taking advantage of the moment, Peter simply smiled and hoped that was it. But it wasn’t, Tony gestured for him to go over to where he was, and he really didn’t have a clue as to what could possibly be going on for Tony to want Peter in a conversation he was having with Natasha.

“Wanna shoot at something, Peter?”
“What?”
“What Natasha means is that you need to let off some steam. If you want, there’s the shooting range if you’re interested.”

As soon as Natasha spoke, Peter was immediately concerned and turned to Tony. What kind of question was that? But now that Tony explained, it kinda made sense. Peter had seen that in movies; people shooting at something to try and make it all go away. There was no harm it trying, right? He was with people who knew guns well and people who people trusted. Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea.

It was still another conflict, though. He had never liked guns at all. He had seen his share of it and hated how much harm they could do. Peter always tried his best to act as defense, never offense. So, holding a gun felt like something he shouldn’t be doing. But, by now, Peter knew that Tony always acted on Peter’s best interests, and he wouldn’t be shooting at anyone; didn’t even plan on holding a gun again.

“Everything’s set up if you want to. We talked it over with Romanov and maybe it’ll be good for you to let off some steam and focus on anything but what’s going on.”
“You won’t be alone, kid.”
“You can go with her or with me, but not alone; I guess you can understand why?”

Peter knew why, it was obvious. Yet, he hated feeling like a child, like he needed supervision during the entire day. But it sounded like it was worth the try; Peter felt conflict building up in his head and it was getting harder and harder to control it. Maybe this wasn’t a terrible idea. So, he shyly nodded and left the building with Natasha and Tony.

____________________

“Mr. Stark, would it be okay if it was just Natasha and I?”

Peter hated himself for asking, and he knew that Tony wanted to be there for him, but it was just something that he felt like shouldn’t happen with Tony. It was hard to explain; not even Peter himself understood.

“Sure, there’s no problem. Call if you need anything.”

As Tony left with a surprised expression, Natasha turned to him and smiled. Peter wouldn’t say that he was close to Natasha, it didn’t feel like it. This was just the kind of thing that Peter felt like he could be safe doing it with her.

“Any particular reason why you want to do this with me?”
“Call it intuition.”

As soon as the shooting range came to Peter’s sight, he immediately noticed a barrier with armored glass with had a hole big enough to put a hand it. Back when they were there testing each other’s abilities and how they worked with each other, that wasn’t there. It was pretty obvious that the reason was to avoid Peter from killing himself.

He wouldn’t go as far as to say that it was funny, but it didn’t make it any less embarrassing. Besides, it wasn’t like he would kill himself there. It was too inconvenient for everyone, and he wouldn’t make it his last burden for someone to clean off so much blood and have to move their bloodied body from the floor.

“Precautions never hurt anyone, right? Safety first.”
“Evidently starting today.”

With a sad smiled, Natasha went and handed Peter an unarmed gun. It was pretty interesting, really. He had heard so much about guns, and it was nice to now know how to properly handle it. She was very thorough about what to do and what not to do. She put specific care into explaining the handling of the gun itself, but also the care he had to take when using it.

After an exhaustingly thorough explanation, she gave him the ammo and told him to just shoot at the mark; to try and hit it in bullseye; it was good to have something to focus in. So, he did.

“I’ll be right here the entire time, do what you feel it’s right.”

He was hesitant at first. It was kind of embarrassing having her eyes on him like they were glued to his eyes, but he also didn’t know how this would go. What if he liked it? Would he become a danger to others? Or, alternatively, what if it freaked him out and they would have to deal with him having a panic attack? The turmoil was too much, and his instinct replied by pulling the trigger.

It was something exhilarating, to say the least. He never once thought that such activity would make things feel better. With that first bullet came some sort of numbness that he craved; some silence in which the conflict in his head finally stopped yelling.

Now that the first bullet was fired, he continued on and on; each shoot making his breath fill with air he didn’t know he needed. His senses were happy, and every single time he hit bullseye, which filled Peter’s heart with joy. It felt like he succeeding, and he could feel it. Suddenly, the ammo was all gone, and there was just one thing he wanted.

“Could you please leave me alone for a moment?”
“You know I can’t do that, Pete.”
“Please leave me alone; nothing’s going to happen, I’m not going to hurt myself.”
“I’ll be right outside; don’t try anything fishy.”
“Wouldn’t think of it.”

Peter was glad that she trusted him, otherwise she wouldn’t have left him. He handed her the gun and smiled at her, which was reciprocated but with a wary tint to it.

“FRIDAY, please soundproof this room.”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

He wasn’t really sure why he did that; he wasn’t really sure why he was doing anything he was doing, but Peter was sure that this was good. Effectively, their plan worked, and Peter felt loose now, but not nearly enough as his body demanded. So, at the top of his lungs, and like his body depended on it, Peter screamed like nothing else mattered; a whole year of dark thoughts left him, and his shoulders felt so much lighter than he thought possible.

It had been such a long time since he last felt this alive, and he just didn’t want to stop. His body kept on moving, ignoring whatever part of his brain that told him to be careful of his back. He started climbing the walls and jumping around, feeling like this was life.

Out of the corner of his eye, Peter saw Tony running towards Natasha, and seeing her stop him. He could see Tony smile, but it just didn’t matter to him at all. He was jumping around and nothing else mattered; Peter hoped this moment would never end.

But then, lighting struck and a thunder like no other stopped him.

Notes:

HAPPY 2ND ANNIVERSARY TO THIS FIC!!

I'm so grateful that I've gotten so much support from all of you, and I'm glad you seem to enjoy the story! Here's to what's to come! ;)

IMPORTANT COMMENT - I know talking about guns and including them in the story was a hit or miss situation, and that it’s very controversial; but I did that myself in a place that's special for shooting practice and it was so ridiculously liberating. I thought about Modern Family S3E16, something like that. Let me know what you think about it :)

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts, suggestions, and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 48: now, don't lose your fight, kid

Summary:

very important note at the end!!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Not unlike most scenarios in his life, Peter’s luck ended, and the euphoria he was feeling came to an immediate stop. It was almost like the lighting hit right next to the building, almost creating some telluric event, and that was not an exaggeration.

Tony gestured him to get out of the shooting range and go with him. There was no reality in which he would’ve allowed Peter to stay alone there, however badly he wanted to. Instead, he just followed both Natasha and Tony out of the building headed to the tracks, where multiple color lines were just about vanished from the sky.

Peter had heard the news. What happened in London had a very clear protagonist and his presence would never go unnoticed. So, when Thor appeared with all his might standing in the middle of what seemed to be a Nordic symbol, Peter was left speechless at how he was just there being all superhero like.

“Are you for real? Do you know how long it took for the lawn to get reorganized the last time you were here? Still disregarding it, I see.”
“There are worse matters to be taken care of, Stark.”

Without any other words, and with a dead serious expression on his face, Thor walked past everyone and entered the main building like he knew it as the palm of his hand. Peter was completely starstruck, and it was so different from what it was when he first got to the Compound. This was an actual god, and it was really hard to process it.

As it should be, or so Peter imagined, everyone followed him, probably intrigued and somewhat scared of what he had said about ‘worse matters’. But he stayed behind. It wasn’t like he wasn’t intrigued, he really was, but there was no place for him there. Even if that wasn’t the situation, being out in the field really was amazing; he was so focused on keeping everyone happy about his situation that he just didn’t find time for just existing.

“What are you waiting for, kid? Come on, let’s go inside.”

With a simple nod and a smile, Tony turned around and kept on walking, chatting with Rhodey and Steve. Little did he know, he had no intention of following them. His smile seemed to be enough to convince Tony that he was right behind him, so he didn’t look back at him.

Honestly, Thor being there was complicated enough. Peter was just in awe, and it was really hard to think about what to do or what to say. If anything, it was probably for the best that he wasn’t there. There was absolutely no reason for him to be involved in whatever was going on. In theory, he was just a child, and he wasn’t part of the Avengers, not that he would ever be worthy of it.

It was best for him to make himself invisible, he wasn’t needed there, or maybe at all. And, besides, why would a god notice him? It just didn’t make sense; he would just get in the way.

As soon as he noticed everyone going into the building, Peter sat on the floor and drew circles with his fingers on his left forearm, like it was calling to him. Everything that was going on was just… too much. It wasn’t really the easiest situation to handle, and he was really having a hard time, no matter how badly he was pretending that he was fine.

Peter recognized that he wanted to hurt himself. At first it was at the back of his mind, the thought lurking around. But now it was out in the open again, and he realized very little had actually changed. He wanted to hurt himself, he wanted to starve, he wanted to stop being a burden. No matter how much steam he let off, it was just too much for it to magically go away.

The most frustrating part, though, was that he couldn’t do any of it. Everyone would know; they were all watching his every move like a hawk, and even moving a muscle the wrong way wasn’t what anyone needed at all. He was just such a burden to them all, and they were all kind to him; he shouldn’t bother them anymore. It was such a conflict in his head.

Another part of his brain was saying that getting better was worth it. Peter would never deny that he loved how things were improving. His enhancements were at an all-time high, he was stronger, and he just felt alive.

Somehow, he ended up laying on the ground, still drawing circles on his left arm. It was really itching, and it was asking Peter to do something about it; something he knew far too well. Every second that went by, it was harder and harder to ignore it. Now it wasn’t his fingertips that were going up and down his forearm, his nails took place, and he was now violently scratching his arm, his breath with an increased speed, and Peter in an uncontrollable panic.

Why was relief so short lived? Peter truly thought, believed even, that he would have at least a day of peace; it only lasted a couple of hours, and he was now back at square one. He really thought it would be better.

Without realizing it, someone laid by his side and it startled Peter, making him immediately stop scratching himself and hiding his arm behind his back. No one needed to know that he was losing it again. It couldn’t have been Bucky who realized that he wasn’t there, right?

“What’s up, Peter?”
“Everything’s good, I’m okay. It’s just a nice night, you know? Just wanted to enjoy it out here.”

Peter didn’t necessarily expect Bucky to simply agree with him and leave, but what he also didn’t expect such a look of disbelief in Bucky’s face. It wasn’t a surprise, really, but Peter really thought he had improved his lying skills; evidently, they were leaving him sooner than he expected.

“You know, having someone mess with your brain really fucks you up, don’t you?”
“What do you mean?”
“They made me into this… monster that didn’t do anything but kill. I was their puppet programmed to do their nasty bidding for them.”
“Oh.”
“I’m gonna go ahead and guess that you know what happened in Vienna, Berlin, and Siberia?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“That was… disastrous, to say the least.”
“That’s one way to put it.”
“However much I regret what happened, it brought me back to Steve; I needed him.”

Peter was now just lost. He had no idea what was going on; Bucky never liked talking about the winter soldier, it was weird that he simply came and talked about it. He felt proud of himself for being the one to hear about it, but it still felt weird.

“Let me tell you, kid; keeping my mind straight was a struggle, still is.”
“I’m sorry.”
“But Steve was there, you know? That guy won’t leave me alone.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“No reason. Just wanted to let you know that it’s pretty normal to not have it together all the time. I’m a constant mess and it’s hard, but I have Steve to help me through it.”
“That’s nice.”
“You don’t have to be alone and hide out here all by yourself. Stark hasn’t noticed; I won’t tell on you, but you should go back.”

Now that he thought about it, Peter had no idea how long it had been since Thor’s arrival and Bucky sitting by his side. His mind was a mess, and he had no idea what was going on.

Honestly, Peter felt within his bones that he had a lot of steam to let out, and he wanted to go back and keep shooting at that target figure. If it weren’t for… everything, he should be able to. After all, he had access level 5, right? What if Tony took that away from him? Peter didn’t even want to find out; it would destroy him to know that he had broken his trust so bad as to lose access to everything he once did. It was frustrating beyond words could describe.

“I have no idea what I’m doing, or what’s going on, or how to keep it up at all.”
“You don’t have to pretend, Pete. Keep someone near you with whom you feel comfortable being vulnerable with. Nothing’s more important, kid.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“I’m gonna head back inside. If you don’t come back in 30 minutes, I will tell on you.”

Peter had never in his life thought that he would hear Bucky Barnes pulling a joke, but there he was. His tone was so casual, and he was so nice to him. There were no words to thank him, so Peter simply smiled at him; he was treating him almost like a normal human being, and not someone who needed a 24/7 nanny, Peter truly appreciated that.

With the intention of avoiding any issues with Tony, 10 minutes later Peter was up and heading towards his room. He should’ve probably dropped by and let Tony know that he was going to bed, but it felt too pathetic. Besides, he had absolutely no idea what was going on inside that building and it was definitely for him to remain in the dark about it.

As soon as he got into his room, Peter let out a sigh that held exhaustion in it like a million boulders. Everyone believed that Peter was genuinely doing okay and that he was better, but he wanted to die, and it was nice to drop down his act for a moment. It could only be described as complete exhaustion.

Trying to wash out his thoughts, Peter hopped into the shower and let the a little too warm water wash over him. There was no way FRIDAY could tell his intentions, and it was ridiculous if Tony had programmed her to alert him if he did it. But Peter was so frustrated that he just held on tight to his hair, and it felt like he was about to rip it out. It felt like relief came over him.

Still, Peter couldn’t risk FRIDAY telling on him and have Tony rush to the bathroom where Peter stood, naked, and scream at him for hurting his head. He just didn’t want to face Tony at all, no matter how much he looked up to him.

As he got out of the shower, Peter felt the weight of the world getting heavier and heavier, almost unbearable. Throwing himself to the bed, and facing on his pillow head down, Peter felt like he was losing his mind. Granted, it was suffocating, but a very dark side of him loved it. What if he could die this way? It would seem less obvious.

But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do anything these days. His mouth let out a scream into the pillow, and then he simply turned to his side, put on a blanket and fell asleep crying, hoping that he wouldn’t wake up.

____________________

Sunrise came earlier than Peter expected it to, and he was up and out of his bed at 5 in the morning. He didn’t set an alarm or anything, but, apparently, his body knew it was time to get back on track. He hadn’t heard a word from anyone since he last spoke to Bucky, and that was definitely a good thing. He could finally breathe and be free of how suffocated he felt. But now he was alone, and it wasn’t a good thing, either.

Jogging cleared his mind. It was just something that he could do by himself and just think about everything and nothing; it was the time when he could drop the act and exist without having to meet anyone’s expectations. And jogging to lose weight didn’t seem like a bad idea; or getting stronger. Either way, he quickly got up and went to the tracks to jog.

As soon as he got to the tracks Peter saw Sam coming over, which made Peter immediately change course and turn to the lake to lap around as much as he could. He wasn’t up for talking to anyone, and he just didn’t want to deal with anyone. It wasn’t a good day and Peter knew that since the moment he first opened his eyes.

Two and a half hours went by, and he was done. Not like want to be done, but he knew that he would probably be in trouble if he wasn’t back soon. Honestly, if it were for him, Peter would’ve stayed away from everyone the entire day, fasting and feeding his demons.

Walking past the left side of the left building he could already see Tony sitting in the kitchen with his glasses and newspaper in hand. It was weird, really. He hadn’t seen him like that in a while and it surprised him. He didn’t have to wait long though; the stern look on his face gave it all away.

“What were you up to?”
“Jogging, is that wrong?”
“Mind your manners, kid, I’m just concerned.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“What happened last night?”
“Nothing happened.”
“Why didn’t you go back?”
I didn’t feel like it.
“What’s that?”
“I’m not a baby, okay? I just needed some space.”
“You know the deal.”
“The deal was not a babysitter.”
“Well, you wouldn’t need a babysitter if you hadn’t jumped off a bridge, now, would you?”

The anger that was building up within Peter immediately went down and it was like a void took its place. He never imagined that Tony would say anything remotely like what he just did. Tony wasn’t that kind of man.

Now that shock was gone, Peter was overrun by guilt and pain. Whether he intended to say it or not, it was the truth. They all had to keep an eye on him so that he wouldn’t try to kill himself again. They were all burdened for what he did.

The only thing that Peter wanted to do was run away and cry. It hurt so much more than he thought words ever could, and he didn’t know what to do about it. What he did know was that his arm was screaming at him more than the night before, and it was taking advantage of the moment.

“I’m sorry, Peter- I didn’t mean that; you know that, right?”
“Yes, it’s fine.”

Without another word, Peter simply took a banana and left the building. For a moment, Peter thought that Tony would follow him; maybe a part of him wanted Tony to go after him and properly apologize. But he didn’t. It was probably for the best, though, Peter could feel himself spiraling downwards and he didn’t want Tony to see that.

With every ounce of strength in his body, Peter ran away from the living quarters and entered the business building, completely disregarding the number of men in suits and women in fancy dresses that were just outside the press room. Instead, he ran to the top floor, hoping for some peace and quiet.

“FRIDAY, please lock this room.”
“I’m sorry, Peter, this action is forbidden.”
“FUCK THIS.”

The scream of frustration he let out was like no other before, and he was allowing his anger to go out with it. It was pointless, though, the number of feelings building up within him couldn’t ever be solved by a moment of screaming.

Trying his best to distract himself, Peter started pacing around the room. The one thing he knew for sure was that he needed to get his head clear if he wanted to think of a way to clean up his mess. But he also knew he had to get distracted from the urge to hurt himself. It was the only way that Peter knew for suppressing his feelings, and he couldn’t do that. It was a living hell.

Even if Peter hated how it happened, his senses were now much better, and he felt someone coming. No one but the team was allowed this far up, and Peter knew that he had to act quickly to try and hide from everyone. The only possible place with such little warning was the simulation; so, he went and kept as quiet as possible.

Peter didn’t really think anyone would find him there. Why would they? He didn’t really know if they used it all that much, so, hopefully, they would leave and go somewhere else. Still, there was a very real possibility that FRIDAY could tell anyone who asked where Peter was; he desperately hoped no one would ask.

Since his arrival at the Compound, Peter had developed a very peculiar skill: he could tell who someone was by how their footsteps sounded. It was odd, but his enhancements knew it far too well, and it came in handy this time when he realized it was true.

“I know you’re here, Peter. Everything’s okay, you don’t need to be alone. We can talk things through.”

Bruce was safe and he was gentle. Peter loved how he treated him when he was in trouble. It felt like he wasn’t judging him, instead trying his best to actually help Peter with whatever was needed. Bruce was safe.

That said, though, it didn’t mean that he wanted to go out and talk to him. He was enough of a burden and already got in the way of everyone at the Compound. There was no reason for him to continue doing so. Thor was there and it was an additional situation that Peter shouldn’t mess up. So, having made up his mind, Peter stayed still and didn’t move a single muscle, hoping that Bruce would assume that he wasn’t there.

“FRIDAY, where’s Peter?”
“Peter is currently in the simulation room, Dr. Banner.”

Instead of doing what Peter though Bruce would do, he just sat on Peter’s right and remained silent. Peter was almost preparing himself for hearing Bruce’s lecture about what happened with Tony and how he wasn’t a problem. It was the type of conversation that was bound to happen, but Peter just wasn’t feeling like dealing with it.

“FRIDAY, pull up simulation 491, please.”

Suddenly, an open field was surrounding them and, Peter couldn’t even begin to imagine how Tony did that, it felt like a cold spring breeze was all over, and like the sun was there with them, rising and creating the most beautiful sunrise Peter could’ve ever imagined.

“My simulations bring me peace. I can’t well just hulk out, right?”
“This is very nice.”
“We can stay here as long as you need to, nobody needs to know. I’ll just tell Tony that you’re okay, but he doesn’t need to know anything else.”
“Thank you, really.”

At first, Peter thought that he would do just like did the night before; lie in his back and just exist, but this was different. Having Bruce there was nice, and maybe this was what Bucky was talking about – maybe Bruce wasn’t the person he would first pick for him to see him vulnerable, but he was there and he was safe.

“Bruce? Do you think I’m a problem?”
“Why are you saying that, Pete?”
“It’s just – everything that has happened because of what I did. None of you asked for all the trouble. I shouldn’t be a problem for any of you, you know?”
“You aren’t a problem at all. We all have issues and we all struggle, that doesn’t make you a problem.”
“Yes, but it’s just that –”
“Would you have done the same for any of us?”

That was a pretty strategic question, and he gave it to Bruce, he was right. He would do anything for any of them, whatever it took for them to be okay. It didn’t mean that he deserved the same from them. Remorse would follow him forever, and it was something he was going to have to come to terms with.

“Do you think Mr. Stark hates me?”
“Oh, Peter, he loves you so much. He’s just concerned about you, but he has a terrible way of expressing what he wants to say. He will always be on your side.”
“He didn’t ask for me to be here, you know? He just got stuck with me.”
“You’re one of the best things that has ever happened to him. You gotta give yourself some credit, Peter. Tony is a much better man since you’ve been here.”

Peter had no idea how to reply to that. They all kept telling him that Tony loved him, but it was just absolutely ridiculous to Peter to even think that someone like him thought of him as someone worth loving.

He didn’t have anything else to say, so he simply laid there in the ground after smiling at Bruce. The ceiling gave him peace, and having Bruce by his side made it all the easier.

____________________

Lunchtime came sooner than Peter thought, and he dreaded it. He stayed holed up in the simulation room the entire time, even after Bruce left. He said he had to deal with something but that he’d be right back. FRIDAY announced lunch earlier, so he didn’t have the time to have a little more time of peace with Bruce.

He feared lunch, really. Not because of food itself, but because of Tony. Peter desperately wanted things to be cool with Tony, but he didn’t know if he could. His words stuck in his head, and he had a hard time not thinking about it. Everyone told him that they all cared about him, but what that implied… it was hard to come to terms with it.

Trying to avoid thinking about it, Peter sat at the island watching Sam and Clint finish preparing burgers. They probably didn’t notice him, not that he wanted do. There wasn’t a bit of him that wanted to talk, so it was for the better.

It’s not like he wanted to eat any of it, or at all for that matter. There was no reason, really, his body was just not feeling it. But, yet again, he had to put up his act for everyone and eat. He had caused enough trouble and he shouldn’t be one when it comes to food – again.

15 minutes later, the dining room was being swarmed by everyone entering like in a stampede. They were all talking about the Accords, mostly. Thor was talking to Steve, and he distinctly heard the words ‘Mjölnir’ and ‘elevator’; it was weird. Pepper and Tony entered last. They were lowly chatting with each other, and Pepper had that face that was exclusive for when Tony screwed up.

Peter wanted privacy, and so, he had to give it, too. This time, though, he couldn’t help himself but overhear their conversation.

“Are you serious, Tony? What were you thinking?”
“I know I fucked up, but I just –”
“You just what? How could you say that to him?”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly, okay? I was worried about him.”
“You need to talk to him.”
“He won’t talk to me, probably avoiding me like the plague.”
“What about apologizing, have you thought of that?”
“Don’t you think I tried? He acted like he was cool with it but he obviously isn’t.”
“Try harder.”

Instead of hearing any more of it, Peter just rolled his eyes and turned his head. Regardless, before he could, Tony walked towards him, and Peter never walked faster in his life, heading to where Bruce was. He made light conversation about Thor, hopefully tricking him into believing that nothing was going on with Tony.

Thor’s intimidating presence was just unbelievable to Peter, and his plate made it the more incredible to him. The man had served himself three hamburgers and a ton of french fries. What stood out the most, though, were three golden apples. It intrigued him so much and he wanted to ask so many questions. Unfortunately, Peter knew that his voice wasn’t important, so he remained quiet; Thor hadn’t even noticed him, so why would he even hear him?

For the last days it was Pepper who served Peter’s plate. It was this sort of silent agreement that they had so that they made sure that he was eating enough. This time, he ran in front of her without even meeting her eyes and served his own plate; no buns, only the meat, vegetables and bacon. He felt extremely guilty for dragging Pepper into what happened with Tony, but he just wanted to avoid everything related to that.

Trying not to cause more problems, Peter sat on Tony’s right at his usual spot, like nothing was wrong. He was focused on his plate and his plate only, ignoring everyone and every conversation. Even being there was a struggle, and he was having a hard time just existing with food in front of him.

Without realizing, he started scratching his arm again, like it would help him ease the pain inside. He was so focused on his arm that he just ignored everything else and didn’t even realize when Tony noticed. The man immediately took his left arm away from his hand; aggressively if Peter dared say.

Apparently, they weren’t the only ones in the know of what happened, as Pepper, Bruce, and Rhodey all looked at Tony, evidently surprised. It didn’t matter at all, Peter simply glared at Tony and pulled his arm away from the man’s grip. What was even going on? This all felt off, until Tony’s expression turned into a soft one, which surprised Peter even more.

“What’s wrong?”

Instead of answering, like a normal person would, Peter just rolled his eyes and looked away. For one, he didn’t want to deal with it; but he was trying to keep the tears at bay, and that wouldn’t happen if he talked to Tony. If he talked about it, it would make it real, and it would mean he disappointed everyone.

Thankfully for Peter, Pepper touched Tony’s shoulder and he just turned his head from Peter to the front of the table, evidently heading what Pepper said. Peter could never in his lifetime express how grateful he was for Pepper.

“Who is this young man here with us?”
“Took you long enough, didn’t it, goldy locks?”
“Tony…”
“How old is he? He seems like a pretty formidable young man.”
“He’s Peter Parker, just 4 days short of turning 16. Kid’s Spider-Man.”
“A Man of Spiders? How’s that?”
“Uhm, yeah, so, I kinda just stick to walls and stuff; a bit faster and stronger, not much.”
“Oh, I heard of you at their petty feud.”
“Yeah, he was more of backup, not part of the mess.”
“Fate brought you to us; very impressive for such a tiny man.”

After that, everyone kept on with the conversation, Peter stopped paying attention a while ago. There wasn’t anything else for him to say. He hated being the center of attention, it was better if he just kept to himself. One thing he truly enjoyed was how Thor said he was tiny. That filled Peter’s heart with joy, even if the food in his plate taunted him for the struggles in his mind.

____________________

The day was long, to say the least. It had been such an eventful day that Peter was exhausted. His mind was screaming at him to just lay down and put an end to the day. It almost seemed like he had put down his guard with Bruce, but still kept appearances and it was killing him. The only thing Peter wanted to do was to be in bed and scratch his arm until he saw blood.

Unfortunately for him, Tony walked into the room. It wasn’t at all a surprise but it still annoying, so just rolled his eyes and turned the other way. It was incredibly childish of him, but Peter just wasn’t prepared for that conversation. He had no words to say and he didn’t want to hear it, he just wouldn’t believe it. Still, Tony sat next to him.

“Come on, buddy, we need to talk.”
“Shoot.”
“I guess, I’m really not good at this, god, how do people do this; I’m sorry, Pete, okay? I didn’t know what I was saying.”
“It’s fine, Mr. Stark.”
“Nuh-uh, I’m not done. It got the worst of me and you shouldn’t have to deal with that okay?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
“By the way, kid, you don’t have a nanny, I’m just concerned about you, you know?”
“It feels like you’re just treating me like I’m a toddler.”
“Cut me some slack, Pete, you scared the shit out of me; I don’t know what I’d do if you were gone.”

Deep down, Peter knew that. Peter knew that Tony cared about him a lot more than his mind would allow him, but that was the problem. His brain wouldn’t allow him the luxury of believing he was worthy of anything at all.

“It doesn’t matter, Mr. Stark, really.”
“It does matter, Peter, okay? I screwed up and it won’t happen again.”
“Really, Mr. Stark, I’m the one who screwed up, you were right.”
“You know what, kid? I’m not up for the ‘it was you-it was me game’. Lets leave it at that, why don’t we?”
“Sure.”
“Just for the record, and so that you get it through that brain of yours, you are not a problem.”
“Are we being honest here?”
“Do tell.”
“You’re being a little helicopter.”
“A little what?”
“You know, just – something like babysitting.”
“We’ll find common ground, Pete; we’ll think of something.”
“Sounds good, Mr. Stark.”
“Now go to sleep or something, that’s what a responsible adult would say, right?”

Things were back to normal, and Tony’s warm smile confirmed it. It warmed Peter’s heart so much to know that they were on better terms, and that things maybe, just maybe, just took a turn for the better.

____________________

The day began and it already felt like it would be a good day. There was no particular reason, really. It was more like a hunch than anything else. Without much thought, Peter got out of bed at 5:30am and went to jog on the tracks. It wasn’t because he wanted to lose weight or because he wanted to clear his mind; he just enjoyed jogging, so he went for it.

Sam was there and they jogged together like they used to, before everything happened. They talked a bit, but it was mostly small talk. The rest of the hour was spent in silence, and Peter took those moments to really appreciate the day. It was beautiful; not a single cloud in sight, and there was a warm breeze that was just right for the end of the summer.

At least for today, everything would be okay, and he was going to make sure of it.

After having showered, Peter went downstairs for breakfast. He wanted to spend time with Tony; it had been a ridiculously long time since they sat down and talked like regular human beings, instead of talking about meals and blades and locking of doors. But, to his disappointment, Tony wasn’t there. Instead, Bruce and Rhodey were there, finishing up their breakfast. This was good.

He served himself a generous portion of scrambled eggs and had a waffle on the side. The world wasn’t ending and his brain shut down for the day the part that knew the calories by hard. This was just a normal meal that he was sharing with two great men.

“Hey kid, what are you doing today?”
“Actually, I was wondering if Bruce would be up for working on web fluid. It’s okay if you can’t today.”
“That sounds good, Peter. Don’t get me wrong but, why not with Tony?”
“I haven’t heard of him yet.”
“He’s busy with the allocation situation; he’s currently with Pepper working on it, and I’m just about to be on my way.”

He always had a great time with Tony, but it was nice not having him around, regardless of how great things were. Peter got to be his own person for the morning, and it was amazing. He had been living with Tony for a month now and he relied entirely on him; it was time for him to start doing things on his own, right?

“I’ll meet you at the lab in the main building after lunch, does that sound good to you, Peter? I promised Helen Cho that I would send her new settings for the cradle for her to check.”
“Sure, no problem. I’ll see you there!”

His usual response would be to be devastated. It had become his default setting, but he wasn’t upset at all. It felt fine, like it was just totally normal. It was really randomly suspicious and foreign, but it was a welcome change to be unbothered for a moment.

“Hey, FRIDAY?”
“Yes, Peter?”
“Where are Natasha and Clint?”
“They’re on the right building, top floor.”
“Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”

This was such an odd day, and Peter was enjoying it. As Bruce said he couldn’t spend the morning with him, Peter had to think about something else, right? So, the best idea came to mind, and he had to go to the ones who knew most about it. Taking his web-shooters, he ran out of the left building, with the hope of a great day.

He wouldn’t say it out loud, at least not yet, but he wanted to go back to being Spider-Man. It was something that wasn’t yet clear in his head, but now it was. It wasn’t yet time and he knew that. Not like Tony would give him the suit, anyway. But he really wanted to go out again and help people. Who knows? Maybe he would be good for the city if he could get his act together.

Even if that was true, he also realized that he shouldn’t be alone. Peter knew it was going to be a good day, but the voices were always there at the back of his brain. This time he didn’t want to give them any power, so he had to keep active if he wanted to avoid them. With that in mind, he went up to the top floor of the right building.

“Hello.”
“Well, hello, Peter. Fancy seeing you here.”
“What are you guys up to?”
“Nothing in particular. What’s up? Do you need anything?”
“I was just thinking, it’s probably dumb; do you think we could do some shooting practice?”
“What do you want to try?”
“I have my shooters, I was thinking about the simulation room, if you’re not busy.”
“I’ll get the arrows and guns.”
“We’ll meet you there.”

Their surprised expressions didn’t go unnoticed, but Peter didn’t think any of it. In fact, he knew why they were surprised, and it didn’t bother him at all that they thought that he was making an effort.

“Do you want to try guns again?”
“I think I’m good, Natasha; I’ll stick with my shooters.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Thank you, for everything.”
“No problem, kid.”

____________________

Peter had such a good time. It felt exactly how he remembered; shooting at robbers to block their guns or shooting at the wall to keep his backpack safe or something of sorts. The simulations room was such an amazing place; it didn’t make any sense to Peter why they didn’t use it a lot. It would be good, too, if they had one closer to them; he had to talk about it with Tony.

Now it was Clint’s simulations that turned up in the room. There were targets everywhere, and surprise targets appeared out of the sudden in the walls. It was so much fun, Peter couldn’t believe it. At first, they all took turns, almost turning it into a competition of who got most bullseye shoots.

To everyone’s surprise, Peter won. Clint was seemingly offended, but Peter knew it was just banter. But, after all, he was known as Hawkeye, supposed to always hit bullseye. What they didn’t count on, though, was Peter’s enhancements. They told him where and when the next target would appear, which gave him plenty of time to easily shoot.

He was so exhilarated and wanted more of it. It felt like a drug that Peter was starting to get addicted to. Most people would say that it was dangerous, but this wasn’t. He was getting stronger, and he knew that his enhancements had way more to give than what he had already explored.

Food was the reason he was able to do this. Peter knew that and it was pretty clear what he needed to do, regardless of how difficult it could be. But maybe, just maybe, eating the amount that he was supposed to eat was worth it.

Around 11am the three of them got out of the business building and were heading towards the living quarters. Peter was enjoying every second, so he didn’t hear what they were saying.

“Hey, Pete; earth calling. What do you think?”
“Sorry, what did you say?”
“Do you want a snack?”

Not unlike most times he was faced with eating, Peter doubted. He had just seen how much his enhancements could do, and he so desperately wanted to be better. It didn’t take away the years of horribly eating and fear, so that was that. Maybe this was the time for him to test himself. Today he was in charge, and he chose to give himself the benefit of the doubt.

“Sure, why not?”

As he agreed, everyone started making their way to the right kitchen. From the corner of his eye, he saw Steve, Thor, and Tony all in the main building; it seemed kinda serious. No one wanted to interrupt that, especially not Peter.

When they entered, Natasha went straight to the kitchen while Clint went up to put the guns, bow and arrows away. She prepared açaí bowls, and it smelled really good. Peter had never tried them, but he knew for a fact that they were packed with sugar and calories. It really scared him, but today was his day, and the voices weren’t taking that away from him. So, he ate.

It was delicious, and Peter just couldn’t describe the feeling when he first tried it. It was like a bomb of tropical fruits exploded in his mouth into a delicious mix of happiness. He was just so content, it felt surreal. Honestly, it almost felt like everything he had ever done was done and gone, so he had another serving. Nothing mattered at all, he was happy.

Sam came downstairs and grabbed a serving, too. They were all casually talking and speculating about what was going on with Thor, it was pretty interesting. After they were all done with their respective snacks, the four of them sat down at the couch for a game of MarioKart. It was such a homey moment and he felt like he held the world in his hands.

Regardless, he did notice that Bucky and Wanda weren’t there, he missed them. When they paused the game so that Sam could go and hand over something to Steve that he requested, Peter stayed on the couch but overheard what was going on upstairs. He truly couldn’t help it, his hearing was stronger and he didn’t know how to control it.

Wanda was talking to Bucky, much like she talked to him not so long ago. It seemed like she was helping him, like she did for him, too. Maybe asking Wanda for help in those situations wasn’t a bad thing; she would have to talk to her about it and know more, but it was a nice thought.

“You guys, lunch is ready; we ordered sushi.”
“Yes, Colonel Rhodes Sir.”
“Knock it off, come on.”

____________________

He was now with Bruce at the lab and he was having fun, really. Learning by Bruce’s side was great, and he couldn’t ask for anything more.

Lunch went surprisingly fine. Peter thought that, by now, the voices were already making a move on him, but it didn’t happen. Everyone ate and so did he. As usual, Pepper served his plate, and Peter was okay with that. But it wasn’t enough. He didn’t end up being nauseatingly full, but his body was satiated, even if Peter hated that he ate probably three times as much as was expected of him. Still, it was worth it, Tony was smiling, and Pepper looked at him fondly. It was worth it.

For the first hour that went by, Peter was just talking Bruce through how he worked with it and what he had done with Tony to improve it. He still thought that it could be much better, so he asked for his input. It was truly fascinating the ideas he came up with, and it made him wonder how he hadn’t thought of it before.

“We can work on this with Tony, if you’re up for it, Peter. We’ll talk to him later and figure it out.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Let me see those shooters.”

After that, Bruce tinkered with the shooters and suggested some things here and there, but told Peter that all of that was Tony’s field and he wasn’t about to mess with it.

“So, what have you been thinking, Peter?”
“What about?”
“Well, you know, Spider-Man. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“It’s fine, really.”
“So… what are your thoughts?”
“I don’t know, I guess I want to go back out again, you know? I just don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve done a lot of damage that I can’t repair, it’s hard to come to terms with it.”
“The past makes us who we are, Peter. There’s just forward now and the future we want to create.”
“I have to talk to Mr. Stark about it, anyway; he probably won’t like it.”
“Give him time, he’ll come around.”
“I’m still very out of practice, it has been forever since I last did anything worth it.”
“Well, practice makes perfect, and there’s no shortage of supers here; you can train with them, right?”
“Right.”

After that, they continued working in a comfortable silence, although Peter’s mind was going a million miles an hour. Bruce had given him a lot to think about, and maybe it was just too much to take all at once. Still, it had to be done. But, there was noise that he couldn’t turn away, and he didn’t intend to hear it at all.

“Loki’s on the loose again, he’s on earth, but we’re having trouble locating him.”
“Nothing new here, what else you got?”
“A new Chitauri base was discover and it’s destroying planet after planet, Annaheim being their latest attack.”
“What are we dealing with here?”
“Someone’s playing a bigger game, Stark, we have to be prepared if the threat comes to earth.”
“What kind of threat are we talking about?”
“I’m not yet sure, Steve, I’m gonna scatter the galaxy to see what I can gather. I need to find my brother first. Stark, do you have something we can work with? It’ll make it much easier.”
“Oh, I’ll find him, there’s no way I almost blew myself up for nothing. Give me a couple of days and you’ll get him.”

It was now dark outside, and the main living room was plagued with pizza boxes, way more than the last time they had such a plan. It wasn’t surprising; Thor was there, and there were four people who needed more food. Peter had been putting it off, but it was about time he recognized he was one of them.

The conversation was mostly about the galaxy and Asgard and how it seemed too good to be true. They also talked about the conversion and how does that work exactly. They had to make the most of Thor’s visit, so it wasn’t a surprise that this was the topic of choice.

Peter felt happy and at ease, which was surprising. He thought he would be uncomfortable, but he really wasn’t. Even if he ate much more than he would’ve allowed himself to, this time he beat the voices. Pizza was so good, and he loved how good it felt; the taste and the comfort it brought was like no other. There was this lingering feeling in the back of his head that regretted it, but he wasn’t going to let it win.

“So, any reason that hammer of yours is here?”
“Oh, you know, can’t let it out of my sight. Wouldn’t risk it disappearing.”
“You’re such an ass.”
“The worthy lift it, the unworthy stand back and watch.”

At everyone’s eyeroll, Thor laughed out loud, and it was incredibly amused at how they all seemed annoyed at him. Peter had no idea why, but it was still hilarious.

“Come on, I’ll give it a go; didn’t give me a shot back then, better see what the falcon can do.”
“Don’t go breaking a feather there.”
“You wish, Stark.”

One by one, every single one of the but Natasha and Bucky tried, but no one could lift it. Tony even went for his improved suit and it didn’t work. Steve tried and it only budged a little, which made Thor laugh harder, for whatever reason. Even Wanda gave it a go with her powers, but still nothing.

“Come on, kid, you’re up.”
“Oh, no, there’s no way, I’m not gonna do that.”
“There’s no harm in trying, Pete.”
“I’ts not gonna end any differently, Bruce.”
“Humor us.”
“If you guys can’t, why would I be able t– ”

Notes:

idc what anyone says, Peter lifting Mjölnir is canon and I can prove it. Ya'll know how in AoU Thor threw the hammer and Pietro caught the thingy and the end and it immediately threw him to the ground? In Endgame, Steve threw Mjölnir at Peter to hold on to with the gauntlet and it didn't make Peter fall. THAT'S CANON!!!!!

Anyway, I hope you understand where I'm coming from lmao

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts, suggestions, and opinions.

If you want to be notified when a new chapter goes up, drop a comment! I always reply to comments on previous chapters when I upload a new one, so you'll know :D

Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 49: it only takes a little push to pull on through

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

There were times in Peter’s life when the world seemed to stop and like time stopped moving. This time it was a completely different thing. Not only did time seem to have stopped, but everyone was just still. If he didn’t know any better, Peter would’ve probably assumed that he was in some sort of TV show and whoever was watching stopped it to go for a snack.

Peter didn’t know what else to do but to look at the hammer horrified, not really knowing what to do. What the hell did this even mean? What was going on? The number of possible outcomes after this moment were too many, and it made his head spin.

Thor explained it clearly, and Peter heard it. What he didn’t for a second think about was what it meant. It couldn’t be true, right? There must’ve been some sort of loophole to the hammer, he wasn’t worthy. It was simply impossible; he had screwed up so many times before that it was just ridiculous to even think about redemption.

Sophie was murdered because of him, a man broke his knee because he wasn’t careful enough, and he actually felt life leave that doctor. What about them? No killer could be worthy, and Peter wasn’t an exception to that. Peter had burdened all of them for way too long, and there wasn’t a slight chance where that just annulled itself.

He had caused so much trouble for both May and Tony that he couldn’t even begin to count. They had their own lives before they got stuck with him, and it was just ridiculous to think that that wasn’t something that wouldn’t count in the universal debate of whether he was or wasn’t worthy.

It was so overwhelming, and it just felt like too much, so the hammer hit the floor before Peter could register. Unsurprisingly, though, Thor immediately called the hammer to his hand, but still didn’t say a word. Peter hoped that he would say something, anything, but he just stared at him in a way that he could only hope was awe instead of distraught.

It was hard to read what anyone was thinking. There was really no telling what was going on in their minds, and it really scared Peter; almost like the time when they first found out that he was Spider-Man. It was absolutely disastrous that time, at least to him, and he knew for a fact that this would be even more mortifying.

The time obviously didn’t stop moving, even if it felt so; Peter had absolutely no idea how much time went by since he picked up the hammer. It couldn’t have been long, right? He just stayed put like his shoes were now glued to the floor, at least until Tony reacted.

“Well, I’ll be damned.”
“What the hell?”
“Makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“Oh god.”

Every single person in the room was looking at him, and Peter just felt like an animal at the zoo. They were all staring at him, not moving a muscle; some of them with a smile, and some in utter shock. He couldn’t blame them, though. If it was the other way around, he would’ve probably reacted the same. After all, how could anyone have the same worth of a god?

“I – I have to go.”

Without looking back, and running like his life depended on it, Peter got out of the building as fast as he could. He wasn’t planning on leaving the Compound at all, but it felt like the air in the main building started to fade away, and it was hard to breathe. Everything became too much, and Peter knew that it was better for him to deal with the shock by himself.

So, with that in mind, Peter ran up to his room and got his webshooters. In having them there, Tony was showing him a sign of good faith, and Peter appreciated that. Now, he also knew that there wasn’t much web fluid for him to get all the way to New York, so there was that too. Instead, he webbed up to the top of the business building.

No one could reach him up there, at least not without a suit. Peter seriously doubted that anyone would actually get out of their way to get him from a place that wasn’t really dangerous enough. Still, he just hoped they wouldn’t think that he’d harm himself up there.

It was all so complicated. There was no right reaction for what just happened, and Peter couldn’t even begin to fathom how the hell was he supposed to go on about it. To say that he was having a very hard time processing it was an understatement. He would eventually have to come down, but there were no words that felt right to say.

The hammer was something that wasn’t made on earth. It was made for a god. If Thor said that whoever lifted it was worthy, it had to be true, right? It just didn’t feel like it at all. Hell, anyone but him could be worthy, there was no reason why he was the one who lifted the hammer.

Now, another thing that was also spinning around Peter’s brain was that he had absolutely no idea what it meant, specially, what it entailed. After all, he only knew what Thor said. Yes, he had heard about Nordic myths and fiction, but it was something he didn’t think could be true. Now, though, Mjölnir was something he actually held in his hands, and maybe it was time to learn more about it.

Trying to ignore those thoughts, Peter tried to see if he could hear far enough to hear what was going on in the main building; he really wanted to know what they were saying. But he didn’t have any luck. It made Peter wonder if he could eventually do that, if he could maximize his enhancements. It was a wild thought, but what if it was a possibility?

Maybe this could be a good time to start working towards eating 8,000 calories a day. After all, if he did use his enhancements as best of its abilities, he could actually act as the Spider-Man he was always supposed to be.

The one thing he hadn’t thought about when it came to the hammer was Spider-Man. It effectively made his mind spiral all over again. Did lifting Mjölnir mean that he was doing a good job all along? It definitely didn’t feel like it at all. In fact, it felt like he hadn’t done anything sufficiently significant in order to be considered worthy as Spider-Man. There was that thing with the Vulture, but he wrecked Tony’s plane, so that couldn’t count.

There was no telling what this meant for him and his future, and he knew for a fact that he couldn’t handle it on his own. He could barely keep himself alive before this happened, and that was when he kinda knew what was going on. Now that this whole thing entered his life, he knew he had to ask for help.

“FRIDAY, could you please ask Mr. Stark to meet me in the garage?”
“Boss is on his way.”

It was the rational thing to do, really. His life wasn’t in danger, but his mind wasn’t very clear at the moment, and Tony always knew what to say and what to do. It was one of the greatest things Peter admired about him, and it would work perfectly this time. He had come to realize that Tony really was on his side, and he’d probably say something that would stop Peter from freaking out.

On the other hand, though, Peter was really curious about how everyone reacted, and he really wanted to know. It just out of curiosity, not to brag about it or something like that. Tony was Peter’s guardian for the time being, and, if he had something so monumental to talk about, it had to be him.

Walking to the garage wasn’t necessarily scary, but he didn’t like the uncertainty of the situation. Tony wouldn’t say something mean or anything of the likes, but Peter didn’t know how he would react. Before he ran out of the building it seemed like Tony was just amused at what happened, and his smile told on him. But that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t have something to say about it.

“Well, would you look at that? I knew it all along.”

Tony’s strong pat on his back and grab on his shoulders made Peter flush and made him feel as embarrassed as he ever was. There wasn’t really an appropriate reaction that Peter could see fit for the situation, so he just kinda stood there, trying not to seem as uncomfortable as he already was.

“I don’t know what happened, Mr. Stark; I don’t know what’s going on.”
“Seriously, Pete? What more proof do you need, huh? That was the universe and a literal godly message telling you that you were worthy all along.”
“Yes, but –”
“You shouldn’t doubt it, kid. The almighty Thor said it himself. Besides, it’s a pretty straightforward equation that you should know; a good kid like you makes you a worthy kid. You should really give yourself some credit.”
“What did they say?”
“They’re all talking about it, you’re the star of the show.”
“Oh, god.”
“The guy couldn’t even speak when you lifted that hammer, he was totally appalled.”
“I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry.”
“You know what he did say? You lift the hammer, you can rule Asgard.”

Now, that was the tipping point for Peter. Tony had to be joking, right? There was absolutely no way that that was true. Besides, even if it was the truth, there was no reality in which he would ever rule a freaking planet. It was truly dizzying and he went pale.

“Right.”
“Damn right.”
“Mr. Stark, is it okay if I can go swing around the Compound?”

Peter knew what to expect, so Tony’s frown and stern expression weren’t surprising. Honestly, he understood; Tony wouldn’t want to risk him running away again. It wasn’t that this time, Peter knew in his bones he needed it, but he wasn’t dumb enough to just go without asking Tony. It was pretty childish, but it was now clear that that was the point where they now stood in.

“Any particular reason?”
“I just want to clear my mind. It’s a lot to process, you know? I don’t know what to think of it.”

Tony’s answer would probably be a straight up ‘no’. Peter was being watched 24/7, specially by Tony; going out on his own was definitely something he would disagree with. For a small moment Peter hoped he would let him go, but he felt defeat and disappointment. There was no other way Peter could think of to manage the amount of feelings that were currently drowning him, it was just too much.

“10-mile ratio. Curfew at midnight. I’ll be watching you.”
“Seriously?”
“Don’t go thinking of running away again, you hear me?”
“Thank you so much, Mr. Stark.”
“Who knows? It might be good for you.”
“Thank you, thank you, thank you, you won’t regret it.”
“We need to have a chat, kid; it can wait ‘til tomorrow. Go now and jump around, have some fun.”

____________________

It was so exhilarating. Swinging around at night, the breeze hitting his face and the stars shining above him; it felt like that was what happiness felt like. It was truly unbelievable how happy he was. It had been a very long time since Peter had swung around without feeling like one of his lungs would collapse. He had forgotten how it felt like, but it was so good that he didn’t want to let it go.

His mind was more relaxed than it had ever been in the past year, and it was something Peter desperately craved, which made it all the better that he got it. There was absolutely nothing in his mind; it was his webshooters, the wind, and him.

He didn’t stop to think about anything at all, almost like everything faded away with every swing. When he was swinging, Thor never came to the Compound with his hammer, Tony wasn’t treating him like a child, May wasn’t gone, and Spider-Man was all but dream. He was just Peter Parker having the time of his life.

Bringing back those memories made Peter’s morning start much better than any time before. He complied with Tony’s curfew and was in bed by midnight; regardless of how much he wanted to stay until sunrise swinging around, he knew better.

Now he was jogging around the lake, and he was forced to think about this reality. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it was something he just didn’t want to deal with. The way he felt last night was something so amazing that he didn’t ever want to let it go. Spider-Man had to make a comeback, sooner rather than later. Peter missed it so much and, now that he was actually trying to do his best, he wanted nothing more than to ask Tony for his suit and go to the city.

Even if he didn’t quite understand what the whole hammer thing meant, he did know that now he had the obligation of proving that he was worthy. It was now time for him to take control over it, and Peter was determined to do his best, whatever that meant.

Going into the left building’s kitchen felt… daunting. Peter hadn’t faced anyone but Tony since picking up the hammer, and he just didn’t really know what to make of it. But there was nothing he could do but face it head on. Besides, Peter wanted to talk to Tony about what Helen said of his food intake; he was the one who could help him most. Regardless, Peter also decided he would speak to Steve, too. If anyone would understand how much food that was, it would be him.

“FRIDAY, could you please ask Steve to meet me in the tracks at 10am?”
“Sure thing, Peter.”

As soon as Peter was actually going to start making his breakfast, he heard Rhodey and Bruce coming down the stairs. Honestly, it was great that he faced them both first; he didn’t feel as embarrassed with them as he did with the rest of the team. Still, that didn’t make it any less uncomfortable when they both entered the kitchen smiling at him.

“No surprises here, huh?”
“We always knew it, Peter; never needed a godly hammer to prove it.”

If he was honest with himself, Peter expected a whole lot more awkwardness, but that wasn’t the case. They simple had a small chat with Peter about the hammer and Thor, but nothing weird about it. After that, it just went on like any other morning talk.

The only thing that wasn’t great for Peter was the actual breakfast. When he entered the kitchen, Peter initially planned on having yoghurt and fruit. But if he wanted to be Spider-Man again he had to eat more, right? So, he also added scrambled eggs and toast on the side.

He hadn’t had that amount of food voluntarily in his plate in a very long time and it was freaking him out. The number of calories in that plate probably outnumbered those of what he used to eat in a whole day. It was just terrifying, and it made him want to take all the effort back and starve.

The hammer was wrong. There was just no way that someone who wasted food was worthy, much less someone who was ungrateful and deliberately wasted it. There was no reason for him to eat that much; he was alive with what he was eating, so eating more didn’t make sense to him. Still, he forced himself to eat after having shaken his head. Maybe it was a trick, he couldn’t tell.

This day started with a lot of surprises, the biggest one being that it felt kinda good when he finished his plate. Maybe it was the fact that he talked to Bruce and Rhodey during the meal and was distracted, but it was good.

Regardless, just a mere moment later, Peter realized how full he was, and he despised the feeling. Truth of the matter was that he had no clue what feeling full was like; the one thing he knew was that he hated himself when he ate and the dread that came with each bite. He had been at war with himself for so long that Peter didn’t know how much was too much. The idea of having to reshape how he thought was exhausting in itself.

Rhodey and Bruce kept on talking but Peter was deep in thought, almost wanting to get up and purge, almost also hurt himself. One surprising thing though; the thoughts that not long ago plagued his mind weren’t there anymore. It was like the desire to kill himself was there in the back of his mind, but Peter actually was able to deny them access. It was sort of empowering, if he dared admit.

“Good morning, children; I see you didn’t leave any breakfast for me, did you?”

Tony entered the kitchen, and it was just nice to have him there to distract Peter from himself. Tony simply got a cup of coffee and started working on his pad. He seemed so unbothered and like nothing was going on. It was weird but he was glad he didn’t address any of it. The less attention that was drawn to him, the better.

“Hey, Peter, we’re going on for lunch, just the two of us.”

It was odd, to say the least. He wasn’t necessarily terrified, but still scared. It couldn’t be a bad thing, right? There was no reason that Peter could think of for it to be a bad thing. Yet, he had no idea what this was about. Maybe Tony wanted to see how he was doing around food. Regardless of his fears, Peter hadn’t gone out in a very long time and hopefully it would be a good thing; he didn’t know yet.

“Sure, Mr. Stark, I actually had some things to talk to you about.”

____________________

“I gotta say, son, I’m very impressed. Not at all surprised, but it’s finally time you knew that you’re a good kid.”

Steve’s comment really made him feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t necessarily because it came from him, but because he didn’t like when people lied, and he particularly disliked when people lied to his face. With or without the hammer, Peter never thought of himself as a good person, and it was hard for him to hear someone say that.

“What can I do for you, Peter?”
“Actually, and I know I’ve asked about this before, and I hope I’m not too overbearing or repetitive, and I’m sorry that – ”
“It’s okay, Peter, what do you need?”
“I wanted to talk with you about food?”
“What about it?”
“How do you manage it? I mean, it just seems so overwhelming. How do you do it?”
“Well, Pete, you gotta listen to your body, it will let you know what you need.”
“What if it doesn’t?”

Peter had heard that many times before. He didn’t disagree with it, but his body didn’t really feel like talking, and it left Peter feeling confused and frustrated. Peter really did try to understand what his body needed, but his mind hadn’t been in the right place in a very long time, and he just didn’t know how to manage himself.

“How much do you eat?”
“I don’t really know, son, I don’t keep track of it. If I had to guess, and to give you a number, I’d say around 5,000 daily calories. I just eat whatever I feel I need, you know?”
“Helen told me I should be eating 8,000; you know, my metabolism and stuff like that.”
“It can seem like a lot, Pete, but it’s what your body needs. You’re an extraordinary young man; you should give it a shot.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You should talk to Tony; he’ll surely help you. Keep in mind that you don’t have to start eating 8,000 calories overnight, it can be in increments.”
“I don’t know how to handle all of this, it’s too much.”
“I know you struggle with food. It won’t be easy, but you’ll come to realize that it paid off.”

Peter really wanted to believe everything that Steve was saying, he really did. He hoped it was as easy as listening to his body, but it just wasn’t. Even though he seemed like he was paying attention to Steve, Peter’s mind went adrift, and he started freaking out on the inside. It was so much more food than he ever thought he would ever it; he didn’t want any of it, he didn’t know what would happen ig he ate that much.

“How do you control it? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“I don’t control it. As all of us do, there are some good days and some bad days. It’s about recognizing what your body is telling you, and then heeding what it says.”

He just remained silent. There was nothing he could think of to answer that. In his mind, it would probably take years for him to think of food as just food instead of the enemy. He couldn’t well just tell Steve that he didn’t ever want to eat again. It was such a conflict because his brain was telling him that, but his desire to be Spider-Man again told him otherwise. It was painfully draining.

“What’s going on in that mind of yours?”
“It’s all good, I just have a lot of things to think through.”
“Well, I’m here whenever you need a chat, Pete.”
“Thank you, Steve, really.”
“If you’re up for it, the team’s going to train in the main building tomorrow at 4pm. You’re more than welcome to come. I bet those muscles are long overdue for a stretch.”
“I’ll be there.”
“Hey, Pete, the hammer wasn’t wrong, you got it?”

____________________

When Peter woke up after having jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, he didn’t really know what his life would be like in every possible way. There was too much for him to figure out that he didn’t really stop and think about what his future was like in the long run. So, being in Brooklyn with Tony was weird for so many reasons.

They were sitting by the East River in a fancy restaurant; River Café or something, Peter really didn’t pay attention. What he did know and what he couldn’t miss even if he tried was that the restaurant was right next to the Brooklyn Bridge. Maybe it was a coincidence? Tony knew a lot of great restaurants and maybe he just wanted to come here.

It was unlikely, though; this was probably intentional. The times when they went out to eat, Tony always asked Peter what he felt like eating. This time he didn’t ask; Tony just went there immediately. It was definitely intentional, and Peter didn’t know what to make of it.

They just sat in silence, Peter didn’t know what to say, really. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence at all, but it definitely wasn’t a nice one. Everything about this felt odd to Peter and every second that passed made him want to go back to the Compound. Still, he would always appreciate any time with Tony, but this time he wasn’t sure what to do.

One of the reasons he didn’t want to talk was the fact that they were next to the Bridge that witnessed his darkest moment. It made him feel so much shame and regret. He would take it all back in the split of a second; it was better for everyone. Now that he stopped to think about it, Peter did regret having jumped.

He was surprised, to say the least. A couple of days ago he would definitely make a run for it and try again and again until he succeeded. This time though, he recognized that he regretted ever thinking about taking his own life. For a moment Peter thought that he regretted having failed, but it was the complete opposite, which made it almost nice to be sitting next to the Bridge. Maybe Tony chose to go there so that Peter would figure that out for himself.

“So, Pete, how are we feeling about the whole hammer thing?”
“It’s just weird, you know? I don’t know what it means.”
“Go on.”
“I just can’t figure out anything about it. I can’t do anything about it. It’s just Thor’s thing, right?”
“Well, Pete, for my part I’m just glad to have you know that you’re one of the good ones.”
“Mr. Stark, why are we here?”
“I want to talk to you, Peter. It’s about time, don’t you think? If you’re cool with it, that is.”

It wasn’t like Peter didn’t want to talk about it, he was already getting used to it and realizing it was part of his life. If he had to talk to anyone about it, Tony would be that person. Still, he just felt so ashamed for everything he had done, and it was just something he wanted to hide.

“Do I still have access level 5?”
“You have to understand, Pete. I can’t afford to lose you, okay? God, I don’t know what I would do if you were gone.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We can work through it, sounds good? Just give me some time to appreciate how not dead you are.”

With every word that came out of Tony’s mouth, Peter’s self-hatred grew stronger and stronger. It was really hard for him to acknowledge that Tony cared about him; the fact that he was the reason he had a hard time really made Peter’s heart break. It brought a wave of sadness and guilt that he didn’t understand, and he didn’t know how to handle it.

“I understand, Mr. Stark. I’m really sorry, you know? About everything. I didn’t mean for it to get this far and I didn’t mean for all of you to get in this mess and I’m just sorry that I didn’t control it more and I just screwed up so bad and none of you deserve that I don’t want to cause any problems, I swear I –”
“I’m gonna stop you right there, kid; for both our sakes.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We would all do anything for you. We all care about you a lot more than you realize, there’s no reason for you to think like that, there’s nothing to apologize for.”
“Maybe.”
“Besides, it’s a good moment to take it all in, it’s a good day, Pete. The food’s great, too.”

Before they started the conversation Peter was scared that it would turn into a whole thing and that they would end up fighting. It was a very welcome surprise that this wasn’t the case, it was perfect. Hearing those words come out of Tony’s mouth was comforting, even if he had a hard time believing it; it was still nice. This was nice.

“I’m okay.”
“Are you, really?”
“Yeah, everything’s good. Sometimes it’s not good, but in general I’m good, it’s okay.”
“How come?”
“I don’t know how not to think how I think, I don’t how what eating like normal human eats, I don’t know how to feel again, I don’t know how to stop feeling like this, I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to exist like this, you know? I’m just exhausted.”
“Well, talk me through it. Come on, let’s go over each one of those. I’m sure we can tackle each and every one of those.”
“It doesn’t matter, Mr. Stark, it’s fine.”

Peter didn’t know why he let everything out. It felt like he was safe to talk with Tony, but he definitely didn’t plan on him knowing every dark thought in his brain. It was nice taking it off his back, but he immediately regretted it. He wanted to ignore that particular conversation; it would make it all uncomfortable. Maybe, in the future when he knew what the hell he was doing, they could have that talk. He didn’t know how he was feeling and he didn’t want to screw up again.

“Mr. Stark? Is it possible to set up a meeting with Dr. Cho?”
“I’m gonna get that answers out of you someday, mark my words.”
“So…”
“Not that I won’t but humor me, what’s up?”
“I’ve been thinking about that thing she said about how I should eat 8,000 calories. I really want to be stronger and I know I can be stronger, maybe it could be good to try?”
“Sounds good, kid; I’ll set it up for tomorrow, if you’re up for it.”
“Uhm, yeah, sure, that’s…good.”

That was the lie he didn’t want to say. Any other lie would pass, but he didn’t want to meet up with her so soon. It was just a lot to take in, and he didn’t want to face that so soon, but he decided to take it anyway; this had to be it. Besides, it would be great to know what his powers could actually do. What if he was holding himself back? Maybe his powers could do wonders, and he could actually be worthy of it.

Truth of the matter was that he didn’t know if he was prepared to eat 8,000 calories every day. He didn’t want to bother Tony with it, particularly because Peter knew it was going to be a hard path to go down, but he couldn’t just tell him to leave. Tony seemed to be proud and happy about what was going on with Peter; he didn’t want to mess that up. He had to make up for all the wrong he had done.

“So, Pete. Remember when you first got to the Compound, and I said that talking about school could wait for another time? This is it.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“So, what do you want to go about this?”

Peter had forgotten about school. Living in the Avengers Compound felt like an alternate reality, and it seemed like he just wasn’t a regular teen who was a student, just Spider-Man. Now that Tony made him realize it, he hated it. Aside from that, and probably in a more important note, Peter didn’t plan on going back to school at all; it was a hard question.

“I – I don’t know, Mr. Stark.”
“How’s that?”
“I just hadn’t thought of it, I gave everything away when uhm, when that happened. I just didn’t think I’d need it anymore.”

Once again embarrassment and shame took over, and Peter just wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out again. It was hard for him to talk out loud about how he wanted to kill himself, it wasn’t something that was just casual conversation. No one wanted to hear that.

But Peter decided he had to be honest with Tony. It was probably for the best, at least that’s what he firmly believed. Tony had become someone who Peter depended on, and he knew this was something that he couldn’t figure out on his own.

“That’s okay, Pete, we can sort it out, no problem there.”

He said it like it was as easy as taking a walk, like it was nothing. But that’s what Peter needed, even if he wouldn’t admit it to himself. The fact that he made it sound so easy gave Peter some peace that he craved. But it wasn’t as easy as that.

There was also the fact that he was living at least two hours north from his school, and he had absolutely no idea how he was supposed to commute from one place to another for the next two years. Happy was the obvious choice, but Peter wasn’t about to inconvenience Happy into driving four hours every day just so Peter could go to school. There was also the bus, but Tony would probably disagree; he still didn’t trust Peter and it was something Peter knew he wouldn’t agree to.

“Uhm, I was thinking about taking the bus to Queens? It’s a far way to go but I can figure it out.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening. Happy can drive you.”
“But –”
“I wanted to talk to you about this, actually. I’m in discussions about buying back the tower so you can be closer to your school; any thoughts about that?”

It was a genius idea, not that Peter was surprised. He hadn’t lived in the city for what felt like forever, and he didn’t know how that would be like. His everyday was so peaceful at the Compound; any other environment was a downgrade, or at least that’s what it felt like. New York was too chaotic, but it was the practical choice, and Peter wasn’t about to mess with Tony’s plans just because he was picky.

“That sounds good, Mr. Stark.”
“It’s settled, then.”
“But you don’t have to move for me, you know? I just – I don’t know, obviously – I just think that it was better for them to stay in the Compound. The whole thing about the Accords and stuff like that.”
“We’ll figure it out. It’s not like we’re glued to the hip, kid. Besides, a change of scenery never killed anyone.”

It made perfect sense, and somehow it felt like it was the right choice. There was a whole lot of things that would need to be done, and Peter hated how much of a burden it would be just to accommodate him and his schedule. He wasn’t about to discuss it, though; complying was probably best.

“Actually, the reason I brought you here is to talk about your extracurricular activities.”

Suddenly, the environment turned extremely uncomfortable. Peter didn’t think they’d talk about Spider-Man, and he hoped they wouldn’t for a long time. He knew he wanted to be Spider-Man again, but Peter was convinced that Tony was already set on Spider-Man being gone. He was trying to make his peace with that, trying to realize that he would never be back, but it still hurt.

“What’s up with that, Pete? What’s that Spiderling thinking?”
“I miss it, Mr. Stark, I really do. I want to be back but I just don’t know what to think of it.”
“I know it makes you happy, kid.”
“It really does, Mr. Stark.”
“It’s not that farfetched to think about Spider-Man making a comeback, you know? I know you’re getting better and I know you can put in the effort, or so I assume?”
“Of course, Mr. Stark, I’d do anything to go out again. I just need to feel useful; I really miss it.”
“How about this: let’s wait and see what Helen has to say and then we go from there, is that good with you?”
“Sounds great!”

It was such an odd moment that Peter couldn’t describe. He would’ve bet his life that Tony wouldn’t let him be Spider-Man again, yet here they were. He was really glad that Tony was giving him the benefit of the doubt, no matter how many times he had proven he didn’t deserve it.

“Probably have to make some tweaks here and there to your suit, I’ve been thinking about some upgrades if you’re ready to get back to it; is your brilliant mind too rusty to get back to work?”
“I’m ready.”

____________________

Peter spent the rest of the afternoon the day before with Tony, just hanging out in Brooklyn. There were some people who looked their way and took pictures of them, but Tony reassured him that it wasn’t a big deal and that he could very easily take it all down. It was nice to know that they could have some sense of privacy, even considering who Tony was.

They were talking about everything that was going on, but never discussed his eating habits or how his mind worked. It was refreshing to talk about something else; it felt like his world didn’t revolve around his fuck ups, instead having things that were actually worth discussing.

The Stark Relief Foundation was one of the main topics, and Peter really enjoyed it. Maybe he didn’t have to be part of the team; maybe his place was by Pepper’s side actually being an intern. It was something he would have to discuss with Tony, but it sounded like a good idea.

Before going back to the Compound they had ice cream. It was very much like the time that they stopped in Manhattan for ice cream after having spent the whole day at Coney Island. Sitting there with Tony was nice, and it felt normal, which was something Peter needed.

Regardless, a part of him was freaking out. He knew for a fact that ice cream was one of the main things he should avoid, it would make him fat. His mind was still playing games with him, it felt like he wasn’t getting his turn. It was still so messy and it was hard to clear his mind. It wouldn’t make it stop him; he had gone way too far now, and he was determined to be better, whatever that meant.

When he got back to the Compound Peter didn’t go to the main building, instead having dinner with Pepper and Tony in the left building. He wasn’t ready to face the rest of the team; Peter had no idea what he was going to say or what they thought about the whole hammer thing. It was a really awkward situation and Peter wanted to avoid it as much as he could.

After having watched two Star Wars movies and realizing that Pepper and Tony couldn’t care any less, Peter went to bed at 10pm. He wasn’t necessarily tired, but Peter just wanted his mind to shut off. It was just odd; nothing had happened, yet his brain was exhausted and needed a break from everything.

There was a twisted part of Peter that wanted to hurt himself. No particular reason came to mind, but he felt like he wanted to. It was a feeling he knew far too well, and it was harder to ignored with every minute that passed. Peter just didn’t know what to do, it was almost like his subconscious wanted to punish him. After all, he had eaten so much, and he was abusing Tony’s kindness; he wasn’t worthy of that.

He ended up winning the battle; he didn’t hurt himself, at least not in the way he wanted to. Peter desperately wanted to see blood come out from his left forearm, but he resisted that. Instead, he scratched his thighs, hoping to feel some relief. Tony was definitely wary of what he did, so he couldn’t risk scratching too hard; but it gave him some relief.

With his mind at ease, his thighs red and itching, and a clenched jaw, Peter finally fell asleep, trying his best to keep the dark thoughts at bay.

____________________

The morning came and Peter was feeling good. There was no particular reason; he just woke up and felt like his day wouldn’t be dreadful as they used to be. Could this mean that his days would start this way in the future? It felt like a dream, and Peter didn’t want to get his hopes up. Regardless, it still felt good, and he was grateful that his mind was giving him a rest.

It had been a very long time since Peter had been in the med bay. He wasn’t necessarily sure if he went up there during the two weeks after he jumped off the Bridge, but he still clearly remembered when he first met Helen, and the place still scared him.

Having breakfast with Tony was nice; nothing out of the ordinary. But there was a certain hint of awkwardness, knowing that Helen would be there soon. Her input would determine a lot of things about Peter, and he knew that fear was in both their minds. It was now time to see what would happen from then on.

“I’m glad to see you again, Peter. You look a lot better now.”

Peter despised what she said. The hatred that grew inside of him wasn’t directed at her, not at all. Instead, his self-hatred grew, knowing that he had gained weight and that people noticed. Everyone must be thinking that he’s fat again, and Peter didn’t want to think about what else they were saying about him.

“So, Peter here wanted to talk to you about what you two discussed last time about his intake.”
“Yes, I remember. What are you thinking, Peter?”
“Uhm, I just thought that uhm, maybe I could try?”
“It doesn’t have to be immediate; it actually should be progressive. We don’t want your body lashing out at you for such an abrupt change.”
“So, what’s your plan?”
“Let’s get the information first, Tony. Then we can think about that. How have you been eating, Peter?”
“I don’t know, really, I’m figuring it out. I just eat… whatever.”
“We should probably have a plan for the time being, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“How about we don’t focus on calories; let’s figure out how much your body needs, okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your body, much like anyone else’s, needs all food types, including carbohydrates, sugars, and fruits. The catch is that your body needs more; we just need to know how much more.”

At the mention of that, Peter entered some sort of trance. His breath immediately hitched, and he failed at hiding how much distress he was in. Hearing Helen say all these things made it too much real for Peter to assimilate it all; it was just too much.

His mind knew that he was doing this to be a better person and a better Spider-Man, but now he was doubting everything, especially himself. Peter didn’t really know if he wanted to get better. It was just so exhausting for him; he couldn’t even begin to imagine how exhausting it must be for Tony.

Everything would’ve been easier if he hadn’t screwed up so much. Every single person at the Compound, Pepper, and May had to deal with the constant messes that he created; it wasn’t fair. The well-known sadness invaded him, and it was hard to control how mad he was at himself. This was his doing, and he hated himself for making Tony have to deal with all of this.

“This is uncharted territory for everyone, so it’ll be a hit or miss situation for what we try; you both have to be patient, it won’t be a solution overnight.”
“So, what’s your suggestion here, Helen?”
“I say we could start by increasing Peter’s daily intake by around 400 calories. There’s no need to count, but it’ll look something size wise like a regular breakfast; there’s no need to overthink it.”

As soon as Peter heard those words, he knew he couldn’t handle it anymore. How was he supposed to do that? Everything was becoming too much, and his eyes were starting to hurt, the sounds becoming too loud, and his skin beginning to fight tiny swords. He knew far too well where this was going if he didn’t do something about it. So, he ran as fast as he could to the nearest bathroom he could find.

“Excuse us for a minute, Helen, we’ll be right back, you won’t even notice.”

Peter heard Tony make excuses for his outburst, but he just didn’t care. All he cared about was what Helen just said. Peter knew that he was the one that suggested to do this whole thing about eating 8,000 calories. He also knew that it was something that made Tony happy. But he was now regretting it more than a lot of things in his life.

Not so long ago Peter dreaded eating over 400 calories a day. Now Helen was asking him to increase that amount to whatever he ate regularly. A regular human being was supposed to eat 2,000 calories; Peter was probably getting something a little over 1,000 calories. There was no way that he would do it. He had no idea if he could, or if he even wanted to.

Trying to clear his mind, Peter splashed his face with cold water, trying to keep his senses distracted so that they would go crazy on him. Leaning on the countertop, Peter was seriously trying to talk himself into thinking this was good. Maybe he needed a pep talk, and maybe he had to remind himself that this was all to prove that he was worthy.

“All good in there, Pete?”
“I’ll be right out; I’ll meet you back at her office.”

Surprisingly, Tony did meet him there, instead of waiting outside the bathroom so that he could see for himself firsthand that Peter hadn’t harmed himself. Maybe this was the start of trust. They all looked at him, and it seemed like they had been waiting for a while. Peter wasn’t really sure, but he hated that he made them wait.

“This is a process, Peter, it won’t happen overnight. If you agree, we can do monthly checkups to see how you’re doing, and then we can see where we can improve. How does that sound to you?”
“Sure.”

Peter was anything but sure about it. He just didn’t want this anymore, he wanted to lock himself in his room and just never leave. There was something that wasn’t quite right, but he couldn’t just simply disagree with them. He had already put Tony through so much; he wasn’t about to throw that all away.

After that, Peter just simply disconnected from the conversation. He heard Tony and Helen talking about meal plans, exercise, dessert, calories, and so many other things that Peter just didn’t want to talk about. Instead, Peter was doing his best to try and think about why this was a good thing. Deep down he knew, but it was hard coming to terms with it.

It was Tony’s voice and Helen’s heels’ clicking that took Peter out of his own mind. He realized he was now alone with Tony, and Peter didn’t know if he was up to the conversation; not that he had a choice.

“What are you thinking there, buddy?”
“I’m not really sure? Just overwhelmed.”
“This is the kind of things that take time, Pete. We’ll take it day by day. One foot ahead of the other and soon enough you’ll be running.”
“I know, it’s just a lot.”
“You know, about that meal planning thing; it’ll probably do everyone some good. Everyone around here eats a hell lot of garbage. Might as well help all of us be in a healthier shape or whatever.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Anything else on your mind?”
“What’s going on with all of them?”
“Thor’s still around; Loki’s already located but it seems like he’s taking his sweet time to go pick up his brother.”
“Oh.”
“They’re about to have lunch, you know?”
“Yeah, I don’t th –”
“We should go, it’s about time now.”

____________________

Not unlike the first time he entered the main building, Peter was freaking out. It was scary, even though he knew he shouldn’t be. There was no real reason to be scared; no one was going to hurt him or anything. It just felt like he was walking into fire, with nothing to defend himself with.

He was with Tony, though, so it was a lot easier to know that he could just hide behind him and wait for him to do the talking. It was childish and pathetic, but it was times like this when he didn’t care to be called a child. Peter just felt safer knowing that, if he screwed up, there was someone there with him that would have his back no matter what.

Talking about Tony like that was just… weird. It was almost like he had already assumed that Tony cared about him; his mind trusted him that he was cared for. It was just hard for Peter to realize it. Evidently, his mind told him otherwise and the thoughts simply spawned without him realizing it.

Clint was the only one in the kitchen and it felt like he took a huge weight off his back. It was much better to face them little by little; not having them all talking about it in front of him at the same time. Peter knew it was overwhelming and he had his fill of that. Clint’s pat on his back took him out of his trance and back to his dreaded reality.

“Pretty impressive, kid. I can’t believe it; the thing would even budge when I gave it a go.”
“I – I don’t know what happened, really.”

It was such an awkward situation and Peter didn’t know what else to do but let out a laugh that fit the environment. Thankfully, both Natasha and Wanda entered the room next, but they didn’t say anything. They simply looked his way with a smile that seemed so sincere that made Peter’s heart warm. Not having to say anything was good.

“Let me tell you something, the kid cheated. Gotta have something to do with his super strength or something. Ain’t no way at all.”
“You’re just sore that a kid beat you, Sam.”

At Sam’s petty comments, and Steve’s support, Peter actually laughed. It felt like it wasn’t a big deal and like it was just a regular Monday. There was a comfort in the situation, however awkward, and Peter really enjoyed it; he never wanted to let go of it.

“Maybe there’s another thing where you can actually beat me.”
“Don’t get cocky, kid, Imma beat your ass.”

Peter would’ve engaged more in banter with Sam, but his world stopped immediately as Thor walked into the room. Every single one of them stopped speaking and looked directly at him, some of them at Peter. It was nerve wracking, and he was freaking out.

After all, it was Thor’s hammer, and he shouldn’t have to lift the hammer. He had nothing to do with it and he hated that it just happened. Peter didn’t know at all what it meant, so he didn’t move a single muscle, trying to come up with a reaction that wouldn’t give away how terrified he was.

Thankfully, or maybe not, Thor approached him, and Peter felt fear like no other, but he stayed put in his place. Regardless of his fears, Thor strongly patted his back; so much so that he actually stumbled forward. It was right then and there that Peter knew it wasn’t a bad thing; things were good.

“Who would’ve guessed? Finally someone else worthy. The hammer never lies.”
“Yeah, uhm –”
“We shall go to Asgard and see what you’re destined for.”
“Absolutely not, no one’s going anywhere out of this planet for the time being, especially Peter.”
“It’s his destiny, Stark; he should revel in it.”

With the mention of Asgard Peter went pale and he felt like his spirit had gone somewhere else. His destiny wasn’t to rule a whole ass planet, right? It couldn’t be. It complicated things and he just wasn’t about to dwell on something he couldn’t even understand. There was absolutely no way he would leave this planet.

“Your brother is in Malaysia, your carriage awaits.”

As soon as Tony said that a portal opened; probably Stephen’s doing. Peter didn’t know if it was Tony’s flare for the dramatic or a mere coincidence timewise. It was still pretty amusing.

“I bid you all farewell. I’ll come back to have a chat with the youngling once I’ve talk to the all-father about this.”

With that, and no other word, Thor left, only leaving behind a promise that Peter didn’t ever want to be fulfilled. Just a couple seconds ago Peter had regained composure and felt like his cheeks regained color. Now that Thor said he was going to talk to Odin about him, everything within him dropped to the ground.

Aside from the fact that Thor said he was destined to rule Asgard, the meal went pretty normally. No one was talking about any hammers or anything about Thor. Instead, they were talking about training and how things were going to be with small missions regarding the Stark Relief Foundation.

The real interesting part of the day began after lunch when all of them were gathered in the main gym. Peter had almost forgotten about what Steve said about training all together, but when he saw everyone coming out of the buildings with activewear, he remembered.

Everyone was up and warming up; Bruce was just sitting in a chair, reading The Catcher in the Rye. Peter didn’t have to guess why he wasn’t going to train, but he was still glad that Bruce was there. He had become some sort of middle ground safe haven for him, and Peter felt safe when he was around.

There was no way for Peter to know what to expect. He had never seen anything like this. The one thing that came to mind was that time when they all were at the shooting range, but that felt more like having fun. This one felt like serious business, and Peter didn’t know if he even was supposed to be there.

What if he had to fight all of them? Sam always joked about it, but it would never be a fair fight. For him, the only fair fight would be with Steve and Bucky, maybe even Wanda. But Peter had a lot of advantage over the rest of them, especially now that he was eating what a normal human being should; there was no telling how much strength he had, and Peter didn’t want to risk hurting anyone. If anything, he would only train tactics, but never combat.

“Let’s get on with it. We’re going to start training in pairs. I’ve already sorted it out. Buck and Sam, Natasha and Rhodes, Tony and Barton, and I’ll take on Peter.”
“Nu-uh, absolutely not; not gonna happen.”
“But, Mr, Stark, I’ll be fine.”
“Fine? I’m concerned about Mr. America here; he doesn’t know what’s coming his way.”

Steve rolled his eyes, but Peter knew it wasn’t necessarily in an annoying way. It was something more resembling fondness and Peter was glad he didn’t stir up any trouble. Still, fighting Captain America was daunting, and Peter was absolutely terrified. It was one thing what happened in Leipzig, but this was supposed to be amicable, and it was hard to figure out what he should do.

“One on one combat. Stay on your toes and be safe.”

Every 15 minutes they rotated who they fought with. After all, he did end up fighting all of them. If he was honest, he definitely pulled his punches when it was with someone not enhanced. It didn’t surprise Peter; he won most of them. But what did surprise him was the fact that Natasha and Tony, both beat him. He would never let Tony know that he let him win; there was no way that he would hurt him.

“Coming up next is group attack. The groups go as follow: Sam, Rhodey, Peter, and I and the other team will have Buck, Nat, Tony, and Barnes.”

Peter wasn’t at all surprised about how the teams were made. Anyone would think that they’d have an advantage for having two enhanced, but Tony’s team won. Nat was strategic and she was quick on her toes, and Bucky had a lot of experience. What was most surprising was that Tony was tough on them, and Peter knew he wasn’t holding back. It was something he hadn’t seen before and he wondered why it happened.

They kept training for five hours; Wanda joined them at 5:30pm but didn’t engage in physical combat, instead more on the defensive. She worked with her powers to avoid attacks on whatever team she was in. The biggest surprise of the day was that it was Rhodey and only Rhodey who was able to outmatch her. Peter couldn’t even begin to understand why, but it was incredible.

He felt part of the team.

Dinnertime came faster than Peter realized; the day had gone by way quicker than he would’ve imagined, but he wasn’t at all complaining. It was a good day and Peter really enjoyed having had the opportunity to be part of it all.

Tony ordered hot dogs and they all went to shower while the food arrived. Something that stood out to Peter and that made him tear up was when they were all entering the main living room and gathering for a movie. Everyone was evidently exhausted, but in the fun way; in the way where you just relax on the couch and just enjoy existing.

The movie was hilarious, or so Peter gathered; everyone was laughing but Peter wasn’t 100% focused on the movie. He was relishing on the moment, hoping it would never end. It had been such a great day, and he was having a great time. No one could’ve imagined that a couple of weeks ago he threw himself off a bridge.

Part of him couldn’t even believe it, either. Now that he was so unbelievably happy, Peter couldn’t imagine feeling the way he did ever again. He knew for a fact that the thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone, but they were at the very back of his mind, and it was something he wasn’t about to change.

The conversation was mostly about what happened during training. Everyone was bantering about how Natasha was smarter than Steve, how amazing it was that Rhodey beat Wanda, and how Sam couldn’t beat Peter at anything; he had beat Sam’s ass again. It all felt so nice and so peaceful.

Nevertheless, there was some type of exhaustion invading Peter that he couldn’t quite explain, so he went to bed early. It wasn’t the type of physical exhaustion; he barely broke a sweat. His mind wasn’t battling him, so that wasn’t it, either. The only thing that Peter knew for sure was that he needed to rest.

With his heart full and a smile, Peter went to sleep to which would be the most peaceful nights he’d ever had.

Notes:

Probably the longest chapter in the whole story, sorry about that x

1k kudos!!! Thank you all so much, it means a lot <3

I'm so nostalgic about this story, I'm actually having a hard time planning the little that we have to go :( It's more painful than I thought it would be ngl

Drop any comments or kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! It's always very encouraging and I love reading your thoughts, and opinions.

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Love,
nk_d26

Chapter 50: with so much left to do, you'll be missing out, and we'll be missing you

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

As the day started, Peter felt something … odd. His gut was telling him that something was off, but he couldn’t really pinpoint what that was. Nothing was wrong, not that he could recall, at least. But it just felt like there was something he should know but just didn’t. It couldn’t be that important, right?

The sun was shining, but Peter knew it was probably early in the morning. His best bet was around 6am, but he wasn’t really sure, and it wasn’t a fact so lifechanging worthy of asking FRIDAY. So, he just sat in his bed and wondered what the hell was wrong. He had never had a bad memory, so it was unlikely that it was something important but, what if he was wrong? Something was definitely off and he didn’t know what to do about it.

What he did know was that he definitely didn’t want to go jogging. The bed seemed way more comfortable than it ever had been since he first got to the Compound, and Peter just didn’t want to get up. But maybe he should go and jog around the lake; something was telling him that he should burn off calories.

Maybe this was what was off. His mind decided that this wasn’t a good day and that he’d spend it avoiding food. Tony would be so disappointed, and it made Peter feel anger towards himself. Still, Peter did regret what he had been eating, and he regretted not exercising more. Not because he was supposedly trying to be better did it ever for a second mean that he should just let go and turn to the other side.

Most importantly though, Peter regretted every single thing he put Tony through. It had been a very wild ride since he arrived at the Compound, and he owed it at all Tony; not for a second did Peter think that he would have it any other way. If it hadn’t been for Tony, Peter didn’t know where he would be, it was most likely that May would’ve had to reject the job offer so that she could focus on him. Living in the Compound was a good thing.

Still, Peter recognized that he definitely hit rock bottom during his stay. It didn’t mean that it had something to do with the team or how he had been spending his days living there, not at all. In fact, Peter knew that they made it easier for him to be there.

The main reason for his troubles was screwing up so badly, not only as Spider-Man, but as Peter, too. His dark thoughts got to a point of despair, and it took him to a deadly situation. Thankfully, he always had Tony by his side. Peter wouldn’t admit it, at least not consciously, but Tony was the reason that Peter was alive. He had poured so much care and protection over Peter for the last two months that Peter knew he owed it all to him.

There were so many happy moments in the Compound, and Peter had had so much fun; it was something he would forever treasure. Even if he wasn’t an official Avenger, he felt like he was part of the team, especially now that they knew he was Spider-Man and what he could do.

Maybe it wasn’t all so bad. Since Ben died, everything was all dark in his head. There were very little moments in which Peter wasn’t sad, and he never thought it would ever change. But they were changing, and it felt amazing. Everything happens for a reason, right? At least that’s what a lot of people said, and Peter hoped he could cling onto that.

It was hard to wrap his head around everything that happened since he met Tony and since he was living with the Avengers. Overwhelming was one way to put it, but it didn’t cover all of it, not in the slightest. Things had been hard, but there were also moments that made Peter want to live, and he enjoyed it. Maybe he was actually doing better and maybe he was happy. Maybe this was it.

Peter hadn’t really stopped to think about it all, but he now did, and two whole hours went by in a bliss. It was now 8am and he decided it was time for him to start the day. So, he got up and showered, starting to get ready for whatever the day brought.

There was still something that was off, but he couldn’t think of anything. Was there something that he was supposed to be doing? If it was, he couldn’t remember anything. Tony would know; he usually knew what Peter was up to these days, so he decided to go and ask him.

With his stomach already rumbling with hunger, and determined to not let the voices win, Peter went downstairs to eat breakfast. Hopefully Tony would be there, and they could talk about it. Regardless, as the first floor came to sight, Peter immediately knew what was off.

There were decorations everywhere; blue and red balloons hanged from the ceiling with strings attached to them. There were signs all around and ornaments on the walls. It was his birthday. How in hell did he miss it? He had been so wrapped up in his own mind that he didn’t know what day it was. Melancholy sit in when he realized he thought he wouldn’t make it to 16, so there was that, too. But it didn’t matter anymore; it was his 16th birthday, and he was happy.

They were all there, even Pepper and Happy were with them, and they all sang happy birthday to him as soon as he got down. It wasn’t necessarily surprising, but it was something Peter never thought about.

As they started singing Peter thought he’d feel awkward and out of place, but it wasn’t like that. He felt so incredibly loved, and it was hard for him to grasp. A year ago, he would’ve laughed if someone even hinted that this would be his life at 16. It was unbelievable. But it was his life, and he was happy. The only one missing was May, and it made Peter miss her much more than before.

“Happy birthday, kid. Who would’ve guessed it only took your sweet 16 to gather everyone here, huh?”
“This is amazing, Mr. Stark, thank you.”
“I have a little surprise for you.”

There was no telling what Tony’s surprise was. That was just the way he was, so Peter wasn’t surprised; he was curious. Nevertheless, that curiousness was immediately replace by extreme happiness as soon as he saw May coming out of the kitchen and into the landing area, they were in.

Peter couldn’t believe his eyes; he must’ve been dreaming. He missed her so much that he started tearing up. Peter was convinced that he wouldn’t see her again until December, but he was so happy that she came all the way from Sweden to spend his birthday with him. He had never run so fast in his life, and Peter worried that he would crush her with the strength with which he hugged her. She was here and he wouldn’t waste a second.

“I missed you so much, May.”
“I missed you too, sweetie, I’m so happy to see you.”
“When did you get here?”
“Just last night, I wanted to be with you; it’s an important day and I wouldn’t miss it.”
“What about your classes?”
“I can’t stay long, Peter. I wanted to see you, but I have to leave in the afternoon. I asked for a day off so I could come but I have to be back tomorrow. I wish I could stay longer, baby.”
“It doesn’t matter, I’m happy you’re here.”

It was disappointing, really. He was incredibly grateful that he got to spend time with May, but it hurt to know that it would be just for a couple hours. She looked so happy to be there, and Peter decided he wouldn’t waste any time that she was there. All that mattered was that she was there.

“There’s breakfast in the kitchen, chop chop, everyone; it’ll get cold.”

Tony called them all to breakfast and they immediately followed his lead. As he was walking towards the kitchen, everyone stopped to wish him a happy birthday, Pepper stopping and kissing his cheek, and even having Natasha, Wanda, Bruce, and Rhodey hug him. Peter felt so loved and it was just one of the best moments of his life.

Everyone sat down at the dining table and started talking among each other, mostly with May and mostly about Peter. Thankfully, none of them brought up Spider-Man. Surely Tony must’ve told them that she didn’t know about any of it. May didn’t know and it was for the better. She didn’t need to be involved in any of it.

The meal went by way quicker than Peter realized, but it was now 9:30am, which meant it had been a long time. People said that time flies when you’re having fun, and he now knew that it was true. Nothing would ever compare to the happiness that now filled his heart.

“Hey, kid, come here a second.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark?”
“We’re taking you out for lunch with Pepper after we drop May off at the airport, sounds good?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
“Listen, Pete, I wish she could stay longer, but you know how it goes.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I understand.”
“She’ll definitely come for Christmas, and you can go visit her for thanksgiving break in Stockholm, how does that sound?”
“I’d like that, thank you, Mr. Stark.”

____________________

Walking around the lake was something Peter had only done by himself. It had never been walking, something more resembling to jogging while holding a lung in your hand. Walking with May by his side, like there was nothing else going on in the world, was invaluable and Peter couldn’t believe he actually got to spend the morning with her.

“So, how are you feeling Pete? How do you like living here?”
“It’s great, May, I’m really happy to be here.”
“How’s it going with Tony?”
“He’s been amazing, May, he has been really supportive. I don’t know where I’d be if he hadn’t taken me in, you know?”
“He’s a good man, I see.”
“Yes, he is. It’s insane to see him and Dr. Banner work. I never thought I’d see that and it’s incredible.”
“How’s that? Living with the Avengers? Isn’t that … awkward? You know, with everything that happened.”
“It’s actually all good, they are pretty cool, and things have been great, really.”

Peter was so glad that he got to spend time with her. They regularly texted and talked on the phone, but nothing could compare to this, talking face to face and just existing together. Besides, talking to someone else about living in the Compound was amazing; it put everything to perspective and made Peter feel even more grateful than he already did.

“How’s your degree going?”
“Everything’s going great, sweetie, I really like it. But I miss you like crazy, you know?”
“I really miss you, too.”
“Even in the summer I’m freezing all over, it’s been an adjustment, I’ll tell you that.”
“Yeah, I can’t even imagine.”
“There’s talks about blended lessons; there may be a chance for me to come back and take online classes. I’ll be closer to my baby boy.”
“I’m not a baby anymore, I’m 16!”
“Oh, but you’ll always be a baby to me.”

There was nothing Peter wanted more than for May to come back and live with him. He loved her so much that he would give up anything so that they could live together again. But Peter also knew that May wanted to be in Stockholm, and he wasn’t about to rob those experiences from her because of him. So, he simply smiled at her and tried to get his point across.

“You seem really happy, May.”
“I’m even happier when I’m with you, honey.”
“But May, Stockholm is –”
“What’s going on, Peter? I didn’t want to bring it up before, but we should talk about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You look thinner than I remember, what happened? Does this have anything to do with you running away?”

To be fair, Peter had completely forgotten that Tony told May about that. He was grateful that he didn’t tell her that he jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, but it was still something he didn’t want to bother May with. It put her in such a horrible position, and Peter hated himself for being the author of her concerns.

“I’m fine, May, really, I’m exactly the same as when you left.”
“Don’t dodge the question, Peter, answer me; what’s going on?”
“I just felt overwhelmed, you know? It was a little too much and I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Couldn’t you find somewhere else in this Compound to have some alone time? There’s plenty space.”
“I know May, I’m sorry.”

Peter didn’t know what else he could say without ratting himself out. Instead of trying to come up with something, the easiest way out was to apologize. If he said the wrong thing, he might end up telling her something she wasn’t supposed to know; it was best to keep it like that.

“You know, I was very gladly surprised.”
“How so?”
“Tony is very nice, Peter, he cares a lot about you. If it weren’t for him, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I’m glad you have him in your life, he’s good for you and I know how much he means to you.”

Instead of answering, Peter remained quiet and just stared at her with a smile. There was no uncomfortable talk that would make Peter waste a moment. Besides, what she said wasn’t something Peter hadn’t heard before. Maybe he didn’t always believe it, but he already knew. Talking about it with May left an open door for him to be vulnerable about everything that was going on, and it was something he wanted to avoid, for the time being.

“I got you a gift.”
“Oh, May, you didn’t have to.”
“Just open it.”

It was a box that she had been carrying for a while now. Peter knew it was a gift for him, but he wouldn’t bring it up if she didn’t. So, after he hugged her and thanked her, Peter opened the gift. It was a very nice knit cap, but he didn’t understand it. Even if school was around the corner, it was burning hot in New York.

“You’ll need it for when you come visit.”
“I can’t wait, May.”
“Stockholm is beautiful, you’ll love it; I’ll be your personal tour guide.”
“I bet.”
“Hopefully you’ll get to go when the semester ends.”
“Yeah, Mr. Stark thinks that would be a good time, too.”
“He’s not wrong.”

After that, it went silent, and it almost felt uncomfortable. It wasn’t, it was just nostalgia. Knowing she wouldn’t be with him after midday broke his heart, and Peter didn’t want to look at the time at all. Instead, he just hugged her as tight as he safely could.

“I miss you already.”
“Oh, baby, we’re gonna be together again in no time.”
“I wish I could go with you, May.”
“I’m doing this for the both of us and I’ll be back before you know it.”
“But I know it.”
“You seem really well adjusted here, Peter. They all care about you; I can tell.”
“Yeah, they’re nice, but they’re not you.”
“Still, there was no one better to take care of my favorite nephew.”
“But I’m your only nephew!”

____________________

Peter had never been to a restaurant this fancy; hell, he never imagined there would ever exist something this fancy. But he was now in Aquavit having lunch with Pepper and Tony. The restaurant was just mere blocks away from The Plaza, which said about enough of how fancy it was.

Tony didn’t necessarily warn him that they were going somewhere like that, but he did tell him to put on something different than his usual t-shirt. Now that he was wearing a long sleeve shirt and dark jeans, Peter still felt underdressed. It wasn’t like people around them were wearing long gowns or anything of the likes, but he felt like an idiot going with jeans.

Tony wore one of his signature suits but with a t-shirt, not unlike what he was wearing when he first took the suit from him after what happened with the ferry. He wasn’t wearing anything seemingly fancy, but no one would look at him and think that he wasn’t appropriately dressed.

Pepper was something different. She always had some sort of elegant aura to her; not regarding her clothing, but her mere presence was something to be reckoned with. She was dressed as she usually did, and it made Peter feel even more underdressed. Peter had never been to a place like that, and he felt so out of place that he had a hard time actually talking like a normal human being.

Everything seemed so intimidating, and it was overwhelming. He couldn’t show it, though. Peter knew they wanted to take him someplace nice for his birthday, and he wasn’t about to be ungrateful. Still, he didn’t even want to think about how much the prices; it made his head spin. Regardless of everything, he was happy to be there with them.

They had just dropped off May at the airport, and a part of him was heartbroken. Peter really wished she could’ve stayed longer. He missed her hugs so much, and he even missed her cooking, however much he disliked her. It was a profound sadness that he hadn’t been able to shake.

“I wish you could stay longer, May.”
“Oh, honey, I’ll come back soon, I promise.”

Peter embraced May tighter than he ever had before. He wasn’t being dramatic, but right now it felt like it was the last time he would see her, and he didn’t want to let her go. Objectively, Peter knew that he would see her again, sooner rather than later, probably. Still, he didn’t want to be in New York if she wasn’t there.

Having her come for his birthday made the bubble burst, and it made him realize how much he missed her. He had fooled himself into thinking he was okay without her, and that living with Tony made it easier. But, now that he spent time with her again, he realized he just wanted to be with her. That didn’t for a second mean that he didn’t love living with Tony; it was still hard.

“I have to go, sweetie, they’re calling for my flight at the departure lounge and I still have to go through security.”
“Please don’t go.”
“We’ll be together so soon; you won’t even notice I was gone.”
“Come on kid, your aunt has a plane to catch.”
“I love you, May.”
“I love you, too, Peter; I’ll let you know when I land.”

He didn’t want to let go of her, but he knew he had to, in more ways than one. This felt like he was holding her back, and Peter swore to himself that he wouldn’t do that. Tony’s words took him out of his trance and made him realize that it was time. He hadn’t been rude or anything, but he was telling the truth, and no one liked that. It was hard to say goodbye.

As soon as they arrived, Tony immediately went to a table that had already been reserved. It wasn’t surprising at all, but it made Peter feel a mixture of feelings. He felt so special and loved, but he also felt guilty that they had gone through all that trouble for him. Regardless, he had learned that it was futile to fight it, knowing that Tony would contradict him in a heartbeat.

They were talking about nothing and everything, nothing stood out. It was mostly about school and Pepper’s work. The Accords came up, but Pepper told Tony that it wasn’t the place to discuss that, and she was definitely right. Now was the time that Peter knew he had to get it out.

“Uhm, I just – I kinda wanted to thank you, for everything.”
“It’s nothing, Pete. Turning 16 is a very important thing, you know?”
“No, not only that. I mean everything. You’ve both been so kind to me, and you didn’t have to. I guess I just wanted to tell you that I’m really happy to have you in my life, I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for you.”

Peter had wanted to say that for a long time, but he never found an appropriate time to do so. This seemed like the perfect place and time for it, so he did. They both smiled at him with a fondness that Peter craved, but it still made him feel embarrassed. There was no reason for it, but he still felt it.

“Oh, Peter, we love you very much; you’re everything to us, you know that? We wouldn’t know what we would’ve done without you.”

Peter didn’t know what else to say, so he simply smiled at them, hoping that the point he was trying to make would get across. There was nothing Peter could think of that would be able to pay them back for everything they had done for him, but he hoped he could eventually live up to it.

Dessert came with a small candle, and he blew it feeling his heart was full of joy. He was with the people he loved, and he was happy. Not for a moment did he think about calories or sugar or gaining weight. He was just having a great birthday with the people that he loved.

After lunch, they were back in Tony’s car. It was odd to him that Happy wasn’t driving them, but he didn’t question it. He was reminded that Tony loved cars, and he loved driving cars; this wasn’t a surprise.

“I gotta go pick something up, it won’t take long.”

Tony was a man of ambiguous words. He had mastered the art of getting his point across while still leaving place for ambiguity were someone to question him. So, the mystery that came with his words wasn’t a surprise, but it still got Peter curious. And, honestly, Peter was happy to be spending the day with them. Not a lot of people agreed, but running errands was fun, and he enjoyed doing it with them.

They pulled up to an Audi concessionaire and it was … odd. Tony loved his Audis, he really did. It was yet no surprise to be there. He wasn’t at all complaining, he was having fun.

“I’ll be right back.”
“I have to step out of the car to take a phone call; it’s for SI. Is that okay, Pete?”
“Sure thing, I’ll just wait here.”

There was no reason for him to get out of the car. After all, Tony said it wouldn’t take long; there was just no reason to get out. Instead, he sat in the back seat and played games in his phone.

Tony was probably getting another car, and that was just not a surprise at all. To his surprise, Peter had actually gotten comfortable with the opulence that came with living at the Compound. Having yet another Audi around wasn’t going to faze him, not anymore.

“Hey, kid, come out here.”

He was way too focused on his phone when he heard Tony calling him to get out of the car. Peter didn’t really want to get out; it was too comfortable in it, and he didn’t want to stand up. Still, he did; there was no way he would just ignore Tony like that.

When he got out, Peter was met by a sight he couldn’t quite believe. There was a brand new black A7 with a huge red and blue bow on it; Pepper and Tony were both standing next to it and smiling at Peter. He was left completely perplexed and he had a hard time asking his legs to function.

There wasn’t anything he could say, there were just no words at all. This couldn’t be for him, right? There was absolutely no way that Tony Stark and Pepper Potts got him a car for his birthday. It was completely unbelievable.

“Catch.”
“What the –”
“Happy birthday, kid.”
“Oh my god.”
“What do you think? You like it? If you don’t, pick any other you like and just let me know, okay?”
“Oh my god, Mr. Stark, but I –”
“Can’t drive, I know. Here’s Frank from the Department of Motor Vehicles; he’ll walk you through it.”

Peter could hear Tony speaking, and he clearly recognized what he was saying, but there was no way this was actually happening. It just couldn’t be true at all, right?”

“Peter, is it?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“You just need to prepare for the New York state driver’s test. You can take it online or at the DMV’s office, that’s up to you.”
“O – Okay”
“You’ll have to take a pre-licensing course and will have to practice driving with an authorized supervisor.”
“Huh?”
“I’ve already discussed it with Mr. Stark; we can arrange for you to take your practices upstate and have him be your supervisor. A DMV officer will come by to see how things are going.”
“Uhm…”
“Then you’ll take a road test when you’re ready, and you’re all set.”

There was so much information, and it made Peter’s head run wild. He had always wanted to get a permit and his own car, but he never thought it was a possibility, especially this young. It was all so wild, and he had a hard time understanding it all.

“By the way, kid; this is all if you want to, doesn’t mean that you have to get the permit. The car’s always yours for the taking, but you decide.”
“I’m –”
“Paperwork is all set and ready to go; more importantly, May gave green lights for this. So, what do you say, huh?”

It was all so surreal. There was no way that this was happening. Never once did Peter think that they’d do this for him; not that they couldn’t do it, but he just never thought of it. There was also the fact that Peter didn’t really deserve it, at least that’s what it seemed like. He had caused a lot of trouble, and he shouldn’t be rewarded with something so massive. But Peter really wanted it, and he knew in his heart that his mind was trying to mess with him again.

“Mr. Stark, Ms. Potts, this is too much.”
“Nonsense, kid, you deserve it.”
“I – I just don’t know what to say.”
“Say yes, Pete, we know you want to.”
“I just, I – yes!”

After such a rollercoaster of emotions, they all went together to hand in the documents and sign in for online classes for the permit’s test. After thinking it through, they all agreed that it was better like that, for all the right reasons.

With that done, they went to the ice cream shop where he first went to with Happy. He had a fond memory with him there, regardless of the situation that got them to sit there. Still, he held it close to his heart.

“It’s a big responsibility, Pete; can’t take it lightly.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I promise I’ll be responsible.”
“Hopefully this time you’ll understand what the word ‘careful’ means.”
“Well, for my part, I think you’ll be great, honey.”
“One thing I will tell you is that it won’t be as easy as swinging around, don’t you think.”
“I guess I’ll see.”

They had been talking about it since they handed in the documents. Peter understood how big of a deal it was, so he didn’t complain. It really felt like an even bigger responsibility, especially given what he had already seen while out as Spider-Man. This was something he had to right from the very beginning.

Besides, it almost felt like a rite of passage. A lot of people got their permits for their 16th birthday, and Peter was glad he was now one of them. A huge relief was the fact that May knew and agreed with the decision. There was no way Tony would’ve done this without asking her first.

“So, Pete, let’s talk school.”
“What about it?”
“Well, you know, that you’re going back to it in a couple weeks.”
“We’ll have to go get you new supplies; how does that sound for this weekend? Wanna go shopping for school supplies?”
“Oh, yeah, that.”
“Gotta have something to study with.”
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s no issue, honey.”
“I just – I’m sorry that I gave it all away.”
“We’ll, we’re glad you’re here with us, and we will get new supplies for you, okay? Don’t trouble yourself with any of it, honey.”
“Right.”

Guilt washed him over again, and it made melancholy sit in. Right now, Peter couldn’t believe he actually tried to kill himself. It was something that was just unbelievable to him, and he was glad he failed. Still, Peter hated the fact that he had caused a lot of trouble for everything that surrounded that attempt. It wasn’t fair to them.

“So, kid, transportation.”
“We went over it with Tony, and we think it’s best if we move to the Tower. How does that sound to you?”
“Yeah, it’s probably for the best.”
“That Compound won’t go anywhere, Pete. We can go anytime you want. Hell, I’ll even let you drive if you get an A in history.”
“Tony…”

They kept on talking about it and the general agreement was that they were going to move to the Tower, and that they would talk to the team to see who wanted to move back to the city with them. Peter really hoped all of them would agree; he didn’t know what he would do without them.

“So, how does thanksgiving break sound for your world tour?”
“Huh?”
“Already forgot?”
“What do you mean, Mr. Stark?”
“We’re going to visit your aunt in November, sounds good?”
“That’s – that’s amazing, Mr. Stark, thank you.”
“Helen called the other day and asked if you’d be showing your face in Seoul. Do you feel like having some Korean lessons?”
“You aren’t actually serious.”
“Oh, no, I’m very serious.”
“It’s a lot, Mr. Stark.”
“It’s really not, Pete.”

The whole thing was insane, but then again, a brand new A7 was also insane. Maybe it was a good idea and not completely as disastrous as Peter thought in his head. It would certainly be amazing to go to South Korea, but it was something that never crossed Peter’s mind.

“Uhm, actually, I was wondering if I could ask you a favor? If it’s not too much.”
“Shoot.”
“I was wondering if we could redo my bedroom? You know, a fresh start, maybe?”
“Sounds great, kid. What do you have in mind?”
“I don’t really know, Mr. Stark, I just thought that it would be nice to change it a bit.”
“I have some ideas.”
“Oh god, Tony.”
“He’ll love it, Pep, I know it.”

____________________

The day was going great, better than Peter would’ve ever imagined. He had forgotten it was his birthday, but this was the best day he could’ve ever asked for. The one thing he wished he could change was that May wasn’t there with him. It didn’t take away the joy.

The rest of the afternoon was spent driving around New York; Tony already giving him advice on how to drive on such a chaotic city. Pepper said they should get back to the Compound, but Peter was having a lot of fun. They kept on driving and driving, until Pepper said it was enough; Tony knew that was cue enough, so he started driving upstate.

When they got to the Compound, Tony and Pepper immediately led him to the main building. It wasn’t like Peter was tired, he really wasn’t. But he wanted to go to his room and process it all. It was just absolutely incredible, and he had a hard time coming to terms with what this all meant.

Could it be true? It felt like he was so loved, and like Tony and Pepper truly cared about him. He had always known that in the back of his mind; this time his consciousness began to accept the reality. Never in his life did Peter think this would happen to him, and he was infinitely grateful that he was given this opportunity.

As soon as they entered the building, Peter noticed, once again, that it was all decorated with red and blue ribbons and balloons. Except, this time, there were also custom Spider-Man decorations. It was so odd, though. No one sold that type of thing, so they must’ve had it custom made, which warmed Peter’s heart. There were also several gifts on top of the kitchen island, and it perked Peter’s curiosity.

What stood out the most was a huge Spider-Man cake that was at the center of the dining table, surrounded by food from all over New York. There were different types of pizza, Chinese food, hot dogs, and sandwiches. It seemed a little odd, but Peter recognized that those were sandwiches from Delmar’s, and it made it all the better, filling his heart with gratitude over how thoughtful it all was.

There was a lot of food, and it was overwhelming. For a moment Peter thought that he would sprint the other way and run to avoid eating. Nevertheless, it didn’t happen. He finally succeeded against his demons; he had won this battle. Keeping them at bay was a whole war, but winning this battle was enough for today. When you’re at war with yourself, it’s okay to lose sometimes, right? This was an outstanding victory, and Peter was incredibly proud of himself.

It was truly unbelievable that he managed to keep his dark thoughts away. Not long ago, Peter would’ve gone crazy and hate himself. It was just so odd that he was enjoying it all, no thoughts of purging or punishing himself. This was good.

“Time for a toast; listen up everyone.”
“Stark gone soft?”
“Here’s to you, kid. May your life bring you as much joy as you bring us all.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
“I just – thank you all, I’m really lucky to have met all of you.”

Tony’s words made Peter tear up. He had a hard time believe he wasn’t a burden, and his words, however short, made Peter believe that he brought them joy. He wouldn’t have believed that a couple of weeks ago, but this time it felt different.

After that, and with his heart still bursting with joy, Peter blew the candles on the cake. This was going to be a good year. This was the year when he was going to be happy. This was the year when he was going to be better. It wasn’t going to be easy, but he now knew that he wasn’t alone, and he wouldn’t be.

Gift opening was something Peter wasn’t at all used to. May tried her best to always get him gifts for his birthday, but it wasn’t always possible. Peter didn’t need any of it; spending time with her was gift enough, and he was always happy with her. This time, though, there were a lot of presents to unwrap, and it brought an overwhelming feeling. Not a bad one at all.

“Here’s mine, kid; hope you learn a thing or two about it.”

Sam’s gift was something Peter didn’t at all expect but it actually made him laugh out loud. They had this odd banter relationship, and Peter loved how Sam was always frustrated about being unable to beat Peter at anything. So, having Sam gift him a book titled ‘How not to be an asshole’ really made him laugh, regardless of how Tony disapproved of the message.

All of the gifts were so well thought, and it made Peter feel even happier than he already was. LEGO was created in 1932, which made it all the sentimental for Peter to receive a LEGO set from Steve and Bucky. But it wasn’t only that that made him feel special; somehow, they got them to make a custom Spider-Man figurine to fit into an Avengers LEGO set. It was something he would forever treasure.

Rhodey’s gift was really exciting, but it worried Peter that it would get him in trouble. Somehow, Rhodey got Peter a visitor’s pass for governmental archives. He made sure that he would have to go with him, but that he could browse what he wanted. Peter had talked to Tony about African independences and WWII, but he never thought they would do something about it. It was incredible.

The next one was binoculars with a bow on it, no wrapping. The card said ‘Natasha and Clint’ but it was an odd gift. It was just weird, but it perked Peter’s curiosity. What did they have in mind for them to get Peter binoculars?

“Look out the window, kid.”

As he heeded what Clint said, Peter realized they had set up a whole target system outside the buildings. They were all around and Peter was at awe; he clearly remembered when they were practicing together, and he loved it. In fact, not only did he love it, but it made him feel stronger.

“You know, so that we can get out of that simulation room; practice aiming outside. No offense, Stark.”
“None taken.”

Bruce handed him a rolled-up paper, and, when he unrolled it, Peter couldn’t believe his eyes. Those were the blueprints for the cradle he had been working on for a long time. He said that he had already talked about it with Helen, and that they were good to go to work on it together. Peter was so grateful for that; he wanted to try the biochemistry path, and this was a fantastic opportunity to do so.

As soon as everyone was dispersing, Wanda touched his shoulder and let him know that she would show him her gift later. It was really interesting how he worded that. Now he was very inpatient to know what she had planned; he was sure it would be wonderful.

“This is all amazing, thank you, I can’t take you enough.”
“You can take them all later.”
“But, Mr. Stark –”
“Everyone, upstairs. Everything’s set up and you’re in for a treat; Star Wars: the phantom menace awaits you. Pete and I will be right up.”

Without any protest, they all made his way upstairs, leaving Tony and Peter in the kitchen. Peter had no idea what was going on, but he didn’t feel awkward, as much as he thought it would. Tony had become such an important person in his life that he didn’t even think he could ever feel truly uncomfortable around him.

“Pete, I wanted to – ”
“Actually, Mr. Stark, I wanted to say something, if it’s okay.”
“Be my guest.”
“I just really wanted to thank you, you know? For everything you’ve done for me. I don’t really know how else to say it, you changed my life.”
“I hope one day you’ll get it through that head of yours that I care about you, a lot more than you realize, you got that?”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”
“You still haven’t opened my present.”
“What?”
“It’s right there, you couldn’t possibly miss it.”
“But, Mr. Stark, it’s too much. What about the car?”
“That’s nothing, I bet you’ll like this one more; go on, open it.”

What else could Tony have gotten him? Peter couldn’t imagine what else he thought would ever beat the car. So, shyly, Peter went over to the kitchen island and took the gift. It wasn’t a big box, it was a thin box, about the size of his forearm. When he opened it, he truly couldn’t believe his eyes. His old Spider-Man suit was folded, and Peter wanted to believe that it meant what he thought it meant.

“I couldn’t well fit the new suit in there, but you get the gist of it.”
“What does this mean, Mr. Stark?”
“Welcome back to the game, Spider-Man.”
“Are you serious? You can’t be serious.”
“We’ll build up to it, but Spider-Man is officially back to business.”

Peter couldn’t believe it. This was something much better than anything he could’ve dreamed of. For a long time, he had wanted to be Spider-Man; to go out again and help people. Tony giving him back the suit meant much more than just that Spider-Man was back. Tony was starting to trust Peter again; it was much more than Peter could ever ask for.

Without much of a thought, Peter immediately hugged Tony, probably tighter than he should’ve. There weren’t any words that could sum up how much Tony meant to him, and this fell short, but he didn’t know how else to express his gratitude. For a moment, Peter regretted it; they hadn’t really hugged each other before. But Tony hugged him back, as tight as ever.

Everything would be okay.

Notes:

Congratulations! You officially read over 900 pages and 290k words of this fanfiction! Can’t for the life of me believe I wrote all that.
I want to thank you all again for reading, and I hope to read from all of you again! Let me know if you'd be interested in reading a sequel; I have some thoughts but I'd love to read your opinions.

Drop any comments about your thoughts on the story! Not only for me, but I’m sure every author gets motivation when reading comments :D

With all my love and gratitude,
nk_d26

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