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Part 1 of Missing You & Still Breathing
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Published:
2021-08-20
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2023-09-21
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Missing You

Chapter 37: it only takes a little push to pull on through

Summary:

TW/ depression, eating disorder thoughts

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“do you mean that, Pete?”
“Yes, Mr. Stark, I really want to put in the effort, I know I have to be better.”
“You gotta understand, kid; we’re both on uncharted territory. You’re gonna have to work with me here, cooperate and be patient, that kinda stuff.”
“I know, Mr. Stark, I’m sorry.”
“So, what really happened on Friday?”
“I was an idiot and I screwed up.”
“Don’t you think we have all screwed up? We have already talked about this, Peter.”
“I know, but –”
“Everyone screws up, Pete, but that doesn’t define who you are.”
“Yes, Mr. Stark.”
“You have to know that I’m here when you need help, right? Anytime, anyplace, you just have to say the word.”
“Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

Tony left after they talked it through. He said that Stephen was coming at 10am to see how things were going and check up on him. It was so nerve-wracking, and Peter hated it. He felt ashamed and stressed. Above all, though, Tony had to believe that he was doing okay and that everything was okay; it was a top priority and Peter would to anything to ensure that.

Honestly, Peter couldn’t really tell if he was okay. He didn’t think he was, but there was little he knew for a fact these days. It had been a rough week for Peter. He felt like shit, but his emotions were hit the worst, even knowing that he had an actual broken bone. It was all exhausting, and he fell asleep quicker than ever before.

When he woke up, the strong sunlight hit his face, but it was actually Tony’s voice that woke him up. It wasn’t like Tony was by his side, he was outside the door, but the voice was getting increasingly louder, and Peter was hearing everything.

Now that Stephen was there, Peter was forced to face his worst fears. There was no way Peter would allow a tube to go up his nose ever again. He hated every second of it, and never wanted to go through it again. He would do anything to avoid it.

Truth was, Peter didn’t really know how far he was actually willing to go. For one part, he wanted to be useful for the city, which meant he had to be strong and avoid eating. But Peter knew that he was selfish, and he hated himself for it; he would avoid the tube at all costs, and the city would have to pay the price. His mind was screaming at him to disagree and just avoid eating; run away and never come back. His common sense took over, though.

There was no way of telling how much more Peter could take. It was unclear to him whether it was about food or the lack of it. It was all so very confusing and frustrating, and Peter was getting extremely tired of that being his daily life.

“Everything’s looking good enough here, though I still recommend to keep the IV for the day; give your body more to work with. We won’t be needing the tube for now; try to eat some small meals, nothing too solid.”
“Like what?”
“Some soup, yoghurt, purees, that kind of stuff; it’ll make it easier for your system to adjust to regular food.”

It was all so very embarrassing. How far had he dropped that he was being told to eat baby food? He wanted to dig a hole in the ground, stick his head there, and never have to face anyone ever again. Though, Pepper never once let go of his hand, and she squeezed it when she felt like he was anxious about something Stephen said. He felt safe, and like maybe everything wasn’t as doomed as his mind told him it was.

“Your vitals are on the low range but stable enough to not be a sign of alarm. Your pulse rate is lower than I’d like it to be, but I’m hoping that eating something today will help with that; I’ll come in tomorrow to monitor that.”
“Oh, okay, that sounds okay.”
“Is there anything else we can do?”
“Not particularly, Ms. Potts, this is all on Peter.”
“Huh?”
“You need to gain weight, Peter. To get back to a healthy weight you need to put on at least 30lbs, but I’m sure your activities and metabolism require much more. This is your decision, Peter; it’s your life and your body, you have to be the one to take care of it.”
“Okay, that’s enough.”
“Tony…”
“No, Pepper, he’s freaking him out, don’t you –”

After Peter heard the amount of weight that Stephen wanted him to gain, he disconnected from the conversation. He was petrified; there was absolutely no way he would put on 30lbs, it was just not going to happen. It felt like his lungs and heart were working overtime, even if he wanted to hide it, but maybe the weakness and dizziness were more visible.

To his relief – or most likely disappointment – Peter realized neither Pepper nor Tony was focused on him, instead still talking to Stephen. Every cell in his body was adding on fuel to the self-hatred building up inside of him. He hated himself for wanting attention. Was he doing everything for attention? Maybe he fooled himself into thinking he was doing something for the city while only caring about himself.

“So, Peter, how are you feeling?”
“I feel fine, everything’s good, just like new.”

Peter had become pretty proficient in understanding Tony’s body language and how he reacted to some scenarios. He didn’t have to turn to know he was rolling his eyes. To his surprise, though, Pepper, too, reacted. She simply looked down, almost in grief, and Peter hated himself for making the environment so uncomfortable, but he just didn’t know how to fix it.

“I swear, I’m fine, everything’s good.”
“How do you feel about trying to eat something?”
“Uh…”

Whatever strength he had pulled to try and convince them that he was okay instantly backed away and left him speechless. He didn’t answer Stephen right away. There were so many terrible scenarios in his head, and they brought fears he wasn’t ready to face.

What if he told on himself? What if he gained weight? What if he failed the city? What if they forced him to use the tube again? What if Tony and Pepper hated him? What if this is what his life would look like from now on?

The thought on its own was terrifying but knowing it had been there for so long was exhausting. Peter just wanted a break. Spider-Man couldn’t take any breaks. Peter was Spider-Man, and he needed to be Spider-Man again; there was no way he was going to be lazy and give in.

“I guess I could try?”
“Just take it slow and build up to it. It wouldn’t hurt to head out for a bit, either. Your metabolism works in your favor, and given fuel, your body will appreciate the change of pace; none of us want your muscles atrophied.”

After Stephen headed out, saying he had something to take care of, Peter was left with Pepper and Tony in an uncomfortable silence. Peter had no idea what they were thinking about the whole situation and about what Stephen had just told them. They weren’t saying anything, and it was slightly disappointing.

He was feeling small and worthless; like he wasn’t important enough to anyone. Being in that room with them both was intimidating, and he felt like his whole life was meaningless.

One thing Peter knew for a fact was that they wanted to ask him to eat something, and that terrified him. It wasn’t clear to him if he had the strength to say ‘no’, or to say ‘yes’. If he were a strong enough hero, he would say ‘no’ to food; if he were a strong enough human being, he would say ‘yes’. If he didn’t agree, Pepper and Tony would be immensely disappointed in him, and Peter didn’t have it in him to continue letting people down.

“We had breakfast delivered; I’ll bring it up. How do you feel about a bowl of yoghurt and granola, and maybe a small jar of applesauce?”
“Sure, Ms. Potts, that sounds good.”

It took everything in Peter to try and sound truthful. He just wanted to comply and agree to anything they said, for their sake. It was just so excruciatingly exhausting, and it was taking its toll on him.

Peter ended up having breakfast with them at 10:45am in their private living room. It was surprising to him; Tony was very clear about not having breakfast so late, and this was definitely a shift in that particular aspect.

To his surprise, not particularly sure if good or bad, Peter managed to eat half the yoghurt and all the applesauce. He hated the feeling and hated that he was getting fat. It was almost like he could feel the fat adhering to his hips, and it was such a dreadful feeling.

It was odd, though. He wasn’t necessarily disgusted by it; there would definitely not be any cheering for food on his part, but he wasn’t about to cry, either. The happiness in both Pepper and Tony’s eyes was something Peter wouldn’t exchange for anything. They held so much hope with every bite he took, it was heartwarming.

Tony, specially, was making a huge effort, and Peter knew that. They didn’t rush him at all, and it seemed like they paced their own meal to pair up with him; he felt loved and cared for. It was such a cozy scene, and he appreciated him far beyond any words could explain. The three of them in loungewear, watching a movie, and having breakfast; it felt like home.

____________________

Taking a shower and putting on some real clothes made the difference; apparently, they weren’t wrong when they said a shower changes everything. It was odd, though. Peter felt strangely good; he could actually feel his boy gathering strength, and it was something he hadn’t known for a while.

Now, however good he physically felt didn’t necessarily mean that it was a good thing. Peter wasn’t sure if he liked feeling stronger. That strength meant that he was eating a lot, and that shouldn’t happen.

Truth was, he felt stronger and like he wasn’t about to pass out with the blow of the wind. It was almost like nothing ever happened and like he was just a regular kid from Queens who was lucky enough to cross paths with Tony Stark. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and he had an inner conflict that wouldn’t allow him to decide if he wanted to be stronger.

After he got dressed, Peter met Pepper and Tony again in the living room. It never crossed his mind how he hadn’t left their floor in almost a week, and that was something embarrassing; he felt like a baby who needed babysitting around the clock.

“I’m going to D.C. for the afternoon; someone messed up a contract and I need to take care of it. I’ll be back for dinner, though.”

Pepper leaving was devastating for Peter. She gave him a sense of home, and he craved that feeling. There was some weird maternal side to her that Peter was too ashamed to admit out loud that he depended on. It wasn’t very clear to him how he would continue the day without her by his side, even if Tony was his role model, he could never provide the comfort that Pepper had.

Thankfully, though, there wasn’t an awkward environment when he was alone with Tony. Some hours earlier there was, but not anymore; even if Peter was sad about Pepper leaving, he was grateful that he got to spend time again with Tony. It had been a long time since they actually hung out together.

In any case, he was going to miss her, and Peter didn’t want her to leave. There was safety in being with both of them, and that was something Peter desperately needed. But, once again, he was on the quest to comply and make them believe he was okay, so he simply smiled.

“I’m really sorry, Pete, I wouldn’t go if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.”
“It’s okay, I understand, I’m fine.”

After kissing his forehead, and kissing Tony goodbye, Pepper left, leaving behind an empty feeling. For a split moment Peter felt a warmth that was that of a home, and he would’ve frozen that moment and lived there forever if he could’ve. But that was not a possibility, so he was left alone with Tony. There was a different kind of warmth to him, but it was very different from the one that Pepper had.

It was nice to be with him, though. Silently watching TV, Peter had a minute to appreciate the moment. It felt oddly cozy and domestic; it almost made him forget the reason why he was there at all. Maybe it was for the worse, but Peter chose to believe that Tony wanted to spend time with him and not only because he almost had to drag a corpse out of his Compound.

“Come on, kid, get up; we’re getting out of here.”
“Huh?”
“Trust me, Peter.”

The way Peter thought his day would go was being held up in the top floor and being force-fed. Never once did Peter imagine that Tony wanted to go out, it just didn’t cross his mind. It was intriguing though, and he was curious. The slight chance that Tony would force him to go to a psychologist was terrifying, but, with a simple smile, Peter decided to trust his mentor and agree.

____________________

Peter had no clue where they were going. Tony was driving south, and he was most likely going to New York. The ride was longer than usual, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. There was something weird about it, though, but Peter didn’t know how to describe it.

Getting out of the Compound was a blessing, though. It was nice to be outside without having to worry about passing out and falling off a 30-story building. This was nice.

Without really realizing it, they were there. Tony parked in the parking lot a block away from Brooklyn Bridge Park Pier 6. It was very familiar to him, and Peter knew it was intentional. This was particularly close to the place where Tony took back the suit from him after the ferry accident.

Peter had no clue what they were doing there. Maybe Tony took him there because he wanted to remind him of how much he had fucked up before; maybe he changed his mind and hated him for killing the doctor. It wouldn’t come as a surprise. This was the place where Peter realized he failed, it was almost fitting that he sealed his fate in the same place.

No words were spoken while they walked through the lawn and sat down on a bench. With every step Peter’s stress and anxiety grew, and he was starting to wonder if he would embarrass himself further in front of Tony.

“You know, kid, I was a bit harsh the last time we were here.”
“I had it coming, I deserved it.”
“I’m not saying you didn’t; what I mean, Pete, is that you are good. That time with the ferry; you were going with your instinct and that’s good, but you need to know when to ask for help.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“I’m proud of you, Peter, you’re special and you should never doubt that.”
“I don’t know…”
“Everyone screws up Peter, you know that; it doesn’t mean that they’re not good people. Why should it be any different for you?”
“I – I…”

As hard as he tried, Peter was having a hard time knowing how he wanted to react. A compliment was something Peter wasn’t expecting, and it was foreign to him. He began wondering where it came from; probably pity, and maybe this was Tony’s ways of trying to avoid Peter killing himself so he wouldn’t be bothered with a death. There was no way Tony actually meant it.

“Talk to me, kid, what’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on, Mr. Stark, I swear. It was just a small, one-time thing, I’m okay.”
“Doesn’t really look like it, don’t you think?”
“I know it looks bad, but I’m fine.”
“I get it, Peter, I really do. Don’t you think I, too, had my fair share of downs?”
“Huh?”
“Well, I’m sure you know the stories of the infamous Howard Stark; the reality isn’t much different from the tabloids. My mom… she helped me through it.”
“Oh, I didn’t know.”
“Then came more problems, but also Rhodey and Pepper; things are better.”
“We have talked about this, it’s important that you have someone to help you through.”

It always baffled Peter when Tony told him anything about his time before Iron Man or how he had struggled. They were definitely close, but Peter didn’t think that Tony trusted him enough with that. He felt safe with him, so he smiled, trying to seem empathetic and not like he was losing his mind at how he was messing up Tony's life.

“Do you feel like having lunch, Pete?”

That thing people said about listening to your body was annoying Peter. He definitely recognized that he was hungry – ravenous, even – but he didn’t think he wanted to eat. Peter wasn’t yet clear of what he wanted to do from now on, but he wasn’t really happy with the idea of eating more if he ended up deciding he wouldn’t.

Truth was, though, he was on very thin ice with Tony and Pepper. Whatever wrong move he made would end up with the city suffering for his mistakes. He couldn’t take that chance.

“Uhm, yeah, why not?”
“What do you feel like?”
“Whatever you want is fine.”

After having spent an hour in Brooklyn, they ended up in an Italian restaurant in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Tony mocked his decision, but he ended up having chicken tenders. They were so good, and Peter had a hard time stopping himself from swallowing it whole.

It was so… odd. For some reason, he didn’t hate himself so much for eating the food. That was so unexpected to him. The sensation in his mouth was still disgusting, but he pushed through it. What he was feeling resembled that of being home. After all, he was a child, and he longed for that feeling.

It was pretty futile of Tony to try and hide that he looked at him and his food during the entire meal. Peter realized that, and he noticed his calamari pasta got cold because he was busy making sure Peter ate. The whole thing made Peter feel slightly uncomfortable, but still grateful. After all, this had happened before, and Peter knew in his heart that Tony would’ve rather yelled at him to eat everything as fast as he could.

When Peter was done with his plate, and Tony started eating, the conversation shifted entirely, and it became actually nice, like nothing was wrong. Yet, Peter knew he had to keep it casual if he was to convince Tony everything was okay.

“Mr. Stark? Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, Pete, shoot.”
“Why do you like cars so much? I mean, why do you have so many?”
“Don’t you like cars?”
“I mean, yeah, but…”
“Driving’s fun, kid, there’s not much else to it.”
“It seems like fun.”
“Maybe I can teach you sometime.”

Ever since Peter had come to terms with his life, he made sure never to raise his expectations; it always led to disappointment. But he so desperately wanted to believe that that could happen. It would be an actual dream come true. It almost made him forget how strange the chicken felt in his mouth, and how the smell made him want to gag. Peter was grateful for Tony; he was lucky to have the man in his life.

____________________

If it was up to Peter, he would’ve chosen never to return to the Compound. They had such a nice day, and Peter didn’t want to go back to reality. He almost felt like that time he went with Tony to Coney Island, and he just didn’t want to leave that bubble.

Sadly, the reality was more disappointing than it was when they left the city. Pepper had called and said she had to catch a flight to Vienna for an emergency SI meeting or something; after Peter heard she wasn’t going to be there when he returned, Peter disconnected himself from the conversation. He was so disappointed, but he tried his best to hide it. After all, Peter loved Pepper, and he obviously wanted her there, but he knew there were definitely more important things that she had to do.

When they were actually getting into the garage, Peter realized that it was almost dinner time, and he instantly got stressed. If it had truly been so long, the team hadn’t seen him, and Peter had no idea how to face them, he didn’t want to.

What if they knew what was going on? There was really no subtle way for them to know that, in some way, Peter tried to die. Maybe Tony told them, although it was unlikely. Better be safe than sorry, though.

“Mr. Stark? Does everyone know what happened?”
“No, kid, they don’t. I told them you were feeling a little sick, but everything’s cool; you don’t have to worry about it.”

Every single time Peter was reminded of Tony’s wisdom and intelligence he was always left speechless, and this time was no different. He had thought about it, and it was something Peter didn’t think he would’ve done if the roles were reversed. He was relieved and so incredibly grateful for Tony.

As Peter and Tony entered the main kitchen, anxiety crept up Peter’s back, and he wanted to run in the opposite direction; hopefully make it far away enough that he wouldn’t have to explain himself to anyone. Thankfully, only Sam and Bruce were there; it was probably better if they weren’t all there at once.

“Are you two making dinner or being useful at all? Or just chitchatting?”
“Hey, kid, how you feeling? All better now? I expect to see you tomorrow for that jog. Gotta say, I miss chatting with you.”

“Uhm, thank you, Sam, but I’m not feeling that great yet.”

Honestly, Peter wanted to go jogging with Sam. It was the greatest opportunity to make everyone believe that he was okay and burning some extra calories wouldn’t hurt anyone. Tony thought differently, though. The look he shot Peter’s way made it far too clear that he would actually forbid him from jogging.

It didn’t seem to faze Sam, and some part of Peter was hurt by that. It was like the man didn’t really care if Peter was there or not, and maybe he wasn’t the only one. After that, Sam went to the pantry to find something to make dinner with. Tony tagged along, claiming that, if Sam went on his own, they would end up eating PopTarts for dinner.

“How are you feeling, Peter?”
“Honestly? A bit like crap. I’m really sorry you had to see that, I’m not like that.”
“It’s okay, Peter, everyone goes through hard times from time to time.”
“Yeah…”
“You know, not so long ago I was having a hard time coming to terms with, well, Hulk, and it got really dark. I tried to end my life, Peter, but it does get better, and I’m sure it will for you, too.”
“I didn’t know, Bruce.”
“It’s not necessarily party talk.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re going to be okay, Pete.”

After a pat in the back, Bruce smiled at him and left him alone in the kitchen to join Sam and Tony in the pantry. What Bruce told him left him startled and surprised. It was really difficult for him to understand why he, of all people, would do that. No one deserved to feel like that but himself.

A twisted part of him was grateful, though. There was someone who half understood what he was going through. He hated himself for even thinking about it like that. He hated even more that someone he cared about felt similarly to the hell he experienced every single day.

“Don’t bother cooking, we ordered sushi.”

Everyone else entered the room and Peter suddenly felt smaller than everyone claimed he was. They were all so lively and conversationalist, it made Peter feel irrelevant. Unexpectedly, though, one by one, everyone went to him to ask how he was doing, but one of them stood out.

“So, kid, how are you really doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Doesn’t seem much like a cold.”
“I’m fine, Natasha, I’m okay.”
“I’m glad to see that you didn’t pop a bone out.”
“What?”

She simply left after dropping that bomb at his feet. Had she seen him and Tony didn’t know? There was no way, right? Even if he wasn’t a fan of them knowing about his struggles, Peter was grateful that they cared about him, it made him feel less alone.

The sushi arrived while they were casually chatting. It was actually impressive how Peter didn’t dread every second of it. He loved spending time with them but, after what was going on, he didn’t think he would like to.

The familiarity and comfort of taking the food upstairs and putting on a movie – this time, the godfather – felt like everything would be okay, and Peter wanted to believe that, he really did.

Regardless, even after feeling comfortable with his surroundings, he was really on edge about the food. He still hadn’t figured out how he felt about eating, and now he had to pretend he liked it for the sake of everyone. It made him feel out of control and he hated it.

In any way, there was a false sense of normalcy, and Peter knew he was just fooling himself. They weren’t acting now, always lurking, and saving themselves for the attack; but the dark thoughts were there, and Peter didn’t know how much longer he could keep them at bay. Maybe, though, if he fooled everyone else, and then himself, maybe one day it would be true.

Notes:

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