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Language:
English
Series:
Part 1 of Missing You & Still Breathing
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Published:
2021-08-20
Completed:
2023-09-21
Words:
295,684
Chapters:
50/50
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432
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Missing You

Summary:

If there's anything Peter knew, it was guilt. No matter how much he tried, he still failed. So, he tried to be better, to be lighter, to be faster. He never thought it would catch up to him.

But now that May had to leave for a postgraduate degree, he was left to live with Tony Stark.
Things wouldn't change. He was still Spider-Man, and he would do his best to live up to it, no matter what.

What could go wrong?

___________________

The one where Peter finds himself fighting his demons in the Avengers Compound, trying his best to succeed - whatever that meant.

Inspired and lowkey based on Missing You by All Time Low

I'm on X as ao3_nk_d26! Lets be friends, I'll always be open to suggestions and chatting about both stories :)

Chapter 1: I heard that you've been self-medicating

Chapter Text

It all started crashing down when Ben died. Before, Peter was a regular kid. He was happy and bubbly and fascinated by life and all it had to offer. There was little he didn't enjoy of it, even the parts most people would hate. He appreciated the rain and the sun. Even when the subway was always crammed and had a particular smell to it; it made it all feel so real and alive.

Every minute he spent at school was incredible, being constantly amazed at the knowledge his teachers had and how he was becoming smarter and would be able to help people in the future. Peter felt like being alive was a gift, and he planned on living his life as such. After his parents died, he made a promise to himself that he would try and live life to the fullest, and so he did for a while.

When his uncle died, Peter felt a void he couldn’t quite explain. It wasn’t like he hadn’t experienced loss before, he certainly had his fill of it, but this time was different. The only person left in his life was his aunt May, they were alone and would have to be enough for each other.

Peter felt like a burden to May, like she had to take on the mess of a kid that was left by the death of his parents. His life used too much of her space and he was sucking the life out of her, terrified that, as he thought, she would die for being related to him.

They couldn’t live a lavish life, that much he knew, having to make sacrifices to make ends meet. Peter tried not to ask for much, opting for using old stuff they had laying around. May was working overtime to keep up with their needs, and he felt so helpless and useless, there wasn't really a way in which he could contribute to the household.

Instead, Peter decided to eat less at home, with the excuse that he’d eat at school or at Ned’s house. It was never a lie; he did try to eat as much as he could when he wasn’t home so that the price that May paid for groceries wouldn’t increase.

After the bite, there were evident changes in who Peter was, and how his body responded to the new enhancements. The way his metabolism worked had a massive shift; it increased in a way that was hard to describe. He knew he needed much more energy to keep up with his daily activities. It was obvious that he needed more food if he wanted to keep up with his vigilante self, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask May for more.

It would seem weird to ask for crazy amounts of food overnight, and he knew May wouldn’t refuse, but he decided that it wasn’t necessary. His body was now much more able to withstand imbalance, and it would be able to make up for the unintentional lack of nutrients.

After recognizing his new powers, Peter realized he had to protect his city, he wanted to prevent something like what happened to Ben from ever happening to anyone ever again. So, he started the so infamous patrolling every night. He was on the lookout for anyone who could need his help.

There was a very satisfying sense of heroism when he stopped a mugging or when he’d intervene in what seemed like an attempted murder. He was finally contributing to make Queens a better place. Peter knew he had to be better. In the media, thin people were advertised as healthy people, and so he acted according to that. If food made people fat, and fat meant lazy, and lazy meant useless to his city, why would Peter ever want to eat?

____________________

Peter knew that he could stop a car with his bare hands without breaking a sweat; he recognized his strength. It was easy to get caught if he didn’t lay back on how he performed his everyday tasks as Peter Parker. Acting weaker in gym class was weird, but he had to ensure that he wouldn’t raise suspicion among his classmates about his alternate persona.

What would they say if the invisible kid suddenly became a star athlete? Everyone would start questioning him and he wanted to avoid that at all costs. Of course, regardless of what he did, Flash would always be there to make fun of him and bother him. “Hey Penis, looking like a real slob over there” he’d say when he purposefully fell off the climbing rope. Peter knew it shouldn’t bother him, he could slap Flash and permanently shut him up if he wanted, but he kept quiet, but the words always resonated in his head.

His daily food intake started to decrease steadily. It was small at first, almost unnoticeable. Before Ben died, Peter ate 4 meals at home. He’d eat breakfast, a second lunch, a midafternoon snack, and dinner. His uncle always said that Peter was a growing boy and that he’d do wonders, so he needed all the energy he could get. May was never that great of a cook, but he loved eating with his family, it was the highlight of his days, always appreciating every moment.

After Ben’s death, he decided to skip breakfast and sometimes dinner, saying he was late and that he had packed something to eat on the subway. A lot of nights he’d say he was eating at Ned’s. Regardless, May was taking some night shifts to try and compensate the increase in rent and the overall rise in the prices of everything; the economy wasn’t doing that good.

That gave Peter the perfect excuse to skip his dinner. After becoming Spider-Man, Peter also started reducing his portions at lunch in school, excusing himself to the library so that he could be smarter and thinner, or so he thought. Maybe the universe was giving him the opportunities to be better; it had to be a sign.

When Tony recruited Peter to fight alongside him in Germany, the teen felt an immense pressure to keep up with the Avengers’ standards. After all, they were the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, and he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of the people he’d always looked up to. Peter always saw them as these unbelievably perfect figures, and he aspired to be like them.

Peter wasn’t an idiot; he knew that he had to eat more to be useful to Tony Stark in a fight. So, it was unquestionable that he had to eat more during the trip. It paid off, surely; he hadn’t felt that type of strength since he was bitten, it was exhilarating. But after Happy and Tony dropped him off again at his apartment in Queens, he was brought back to real life and realized how badly he had fucked up.

It had gotten too far; he lost control and ate more than he ever intended to. But he had to keep up the façade for even more people in his life. It wasn’t just about May and Ned, he now had to cover up his lifestyle to his genius idol.

After the ferry fiasco, Tony took away Peter’s new suit, and it was devastating. He had never felt so disgusting and disappointed in himself. Not only did he let himself down, but he had also failed the city and the person he looked up to the most. This was all his fault for not pushing himself to be better.

With his mishap in Germany, it became harder for Peter to restrict his intake. It seemed like his body was reluctant to listen to him, and his instincts took over. He ate and he wasn’t fit enough to hold the ferry together by himself. Succumbing to his thoughts, Peter started to skip almost every meal, only eating when May was home, which was a rare occurrence; she’d been working overtime to try and get a promotion.

Peter completely isolated himself from his friends, avoiding their worried glances when he had to support himself on a wall so he wouldn’t fall to the ground. He could sense that MJ was picking up on his habits, but Peter was thankful that she didn’t care enough.

He still felt the need to protect the people of Queens, regardless of his declining health. During homecoming and the issue with his date’s father, Peter felt in his protruding bones that he wasn’t strong enough to face the Vulture. But he did anyway and felt the consequences when he really struggled to pull the fallen warehouse’s concrete off him. The physical strength to withstand a fight with Captain America was there, but the lack of food made him almost as weak as he was before becoming Spider-Man.

This weakness also reflected on how he couldn’t save Toomes from being harmed in the explosion of the wings. He felt incredibly guilty and worthless. In his head, there was nothing that he could do right. His eating habits were taking a toll on him, constantly suffering debilitating headaches. Peter couldn’t stand it anymore, and with his wounds, he swung back to his apartment to take a bunch of pain meds. He wasn’t trying to kill himself; he just didn’t know how many would ease his pain and the voice inside his head.

When he rejected Tony’s offer to become an official Avenger, Peter didn’t expect to hear more of the man. The offer was a mere courtesy for not entirely wrecking the billionaire’s plane. It was completely impossible that Tony Stark wanted to see his face ever again.

But oh boy, was he wrong. Tony started being a constant presence in his life, even getting closer to May to such lengths that he basically had her blessing to spend more time with Peter at the Compound. There was some unspoken agreement between May and Tony which gave him the authority to reprimand Peter when necessary. Apparently, she really trusted him and his judgement.

May got that promotion she wanted. She was offered the position on the condition that she’d go to Sweden to get a postgraduate degree. Peter didn’t want her to go, she was his only family, but he knew it was too big an opportunity to let it slide. So, he put on his best poker face and told her it would be okay.

They were sitting on the couch, discussing the opportunity, and eating take out Thai food. It was their thing, he felt closest to her when they got to sit by each other and talk about everything and nothing. These were the only kind of the very limited times in which he didn’t care about what he ate, he just was there with his aunt, enjoying her presence.

“Are you sure about this? I can call right now and tell them I can’t go right away, I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”
“It’s fine aunt May! I’m going to be just fine. You go have fun and learn as much as you can. I can’t wait for you to come back and tell me all about it.”
“Well, if you’re sure about it…”

There was a moment where she seemed doubtful and deep in thought. It scared Peter because he knew what that meant. There was an underlying tone in the conversation, and he knew the biggest problem would be him and what would happen to his living arrangements.

“… I already talked to Tony and he’s more than happy to welcome you into his home while I’m gone.”

Before she could finish her sentence, Peter’s mind was running a thousand miles an hour. He couldn’t imagine the burden it would be for Mr. Stark to take him in, he knew that he didn’t need a troubled teenager to take care of.

“What? There’s no way, I’m almost an adult, I can take care of myself here, I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I’m sorry, Peter, I can’t leave you alone here, and even if I could, I wouldn’t, I love you too much, honey. Think about it! You’re going to have so much fun, and he’ll be able to provide everything you need.”
“But I have everything I need right now...”
“I love you Peter, but it’s already been arranged.”

Pulling him into her arms and being embraced by her like the world was ending was one of the most reassuring feelings he had ever experienced. Peter wanted the moment to freeze. He wanted to stay like this forever, and he certainly wanted to avoid the uncertainty that came with living with Tony Stark.

And that was it. Peter just waved goodbye to his aunt at the airport, and he felt the world crumbling around him. He was terrified of every thought inside his head. But he didn’t have the time to dwell on it, as the next thing he heard was probably what his everyday would look like for the next two years.

“Cmon kid, we have a lot of stuff to do and I don’t have all day.”

Tony wasn’t all that excited to have spent the last three hours of his life waiting for Peter to say goodbye. Peter knew he had loads of work to do, but he appreciated that he seemed to notice that he needed it. Tony was being so uncharacteristically patient, and Peter was grateful for it. Regardless, as soon as May walked past immigration, he was hurrying Peter to leave.

____________________

So that brings us up to speed. Peter was now at the gates of the intimidating Avengers’ compound, scared as he had ever been and counting the minutes until his aunt was back.

“Are you coming in or are you planning to stand right there for the next two years?”