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Tony Stark was many things, but a pushover was not one of them. He was a billionaire, a genius, a world-renowned superhero, and he said no to people like Nick Fury, and laughed while doing it.
***
Okay, so maybe there were one or two people that Tony was willing to let boss him around, but he wasn’t sure Pepper counted, and Thor definitely didn’t count (the man was worshiped as a god, and while Tony came close, no one had ever formed a religion based around his exploits, which frankly, was probably for the best). He let Steve think he was the one in charge, and didn’t disobey Natasha to her face. So really, it was just Coulson, and that man was just not natural, anyone would roll over for him, even Nick Fury, and that was one of the more disturbing things Tony had seen in his life.
***
Fine, fine, he’s a sucker for the wide-eyed kicked-puppy look, and Harley’s mastered it. Tony doesn’t know how the kid does it, but Steve and Pepper are both staring at him with the same expression, arms crossed over their chests, waiting for him to cave.
Which is how Tony Stark agrees to take Harley and his kid sister to DisneyWorld.
***
Except then it turns out that no one on the team has been to Disney, unless they stretched the definition of team to include Thor’s girlfriend’s intern, which, well, by Avengers standards pretty much counted.
So that’s how it went from Tony and a couple of kids going to Disney, to Pepper, Steve, Sam, Clint, Natasha, Phil, Bruce, Thor, Jane, and Darcy tagging along with a couple of kids to Disney. (Rhodey had made some excuse about leave papers and going AWOL; Fury had declined his invitation with a scowl; Tony wasn’t sure if Steve’s super-ex-boyfriend got his, but it had probably been foolish inviting a bastion of Communist Brainwashing to the mecca of Capitalism.)
Tony tried to buy the park out for the day.
They (politely, creepily, cheerfully) refused, and wished him a magical day.
***
Getting there wasn’t an issue; private jet and all that, made travel super easy, but someone (Steve, the damn traitor that he was) had suggested that they try to do as many things the “normal” way. Tony at least managed to talk him out of something as stupid as renting cars or taking taxis from the airport. It was just more efficient to take a limo.
“I thought Disney was the happiest place on Earth,” Clint said, peering out the limo window at the large sign arching over the roadway.
“Bzzt, wrong answer!” Darcy said. “DisneyLand in California is the Happiest Place on Earth. Welcome to DisneyWorld, where dreams come true!”
“My dream is to not be here,” Tony muttered, downing the last of his second glass of scotch.
Whoever had made the arrangements had managed to get them a couple of the deluxe villas at the Contemporary Resort, so at least they wouldn’t have to live like complete heathens, but Tony couldn’t remember the last time he’d stayed in anything less than a five star hotel with about three floors between him and any other guests. Maybe sometime in his twenties when he’d had lower standards.
The view wasn’t too bad; they had a balcony that looked out over the park, and Pepper had sighed happily at the sight of Cinderella’s castle and Harley and his sister Rose were almost literally bouncing off the walls with excitement. Plus Steve was doing that whole rah rah America thing and Bruce was smiling and Clint wasn’t hanging off of Coulson or Natasha quite as much, so he supposed maybe things wouldn’t be that bad.
***
He had severely underestimated just how bad things could be.
***
“Let’s start with Tomorrowland,” Harley had declared. “I hear Space Mountain is awesome.”
Clint and Natasha have a map of the park spread between them, and Coulson is doing something with his StarkPhone that may or may not involve planning logistical type things like bathroom breaks and figuring out which rides had the shortest lines to best optimize their time.
“This isn’t an op, guys,” Steve said. He sounded resigned, even to Tony.
“You dudes go do whatever you want. I promised Rose she’d get turned into a princess,” Darcy said. “And there ain’t nothing else standing between me and Mickey Mouse.”
“I think I’ll go with them,” Pepper said, because it was Pepper and when had Pepper ever said no to a makeover of any kind. “Jane? Thor?”
“Aye,” Thor replied. “I wish to meet this mouse, and if the fair maiden is to be transformed into a princess, she needs a proper prince to escort her.”
Tony and Harley both made gagging noises, but Rose was clapping gleefully, and a moment later she was sitting on Thor’s shoulders and their group was headed down Main Street towards the castle. Which was probably good, because now there were only seven adults and one kid standing in the middle of the street drawing attention (though how the hell no one had actually recognized them yet was a mystery to Tony; maybe they were all too busy looking at the idiots dressed in fur suits to realize that there were Actual Famous People standing right there who would be more than willing to hand out autographs.)
“We’re going to take the train first,” Natasha declared, dragging Coulson and Clint with her up the stairs to the train station.
“Anyone else want to run away before we get this party started?” Tony asked. Bruce, Sam, and Steve at least seemed to realize what a bad idea it would be to leave Tony and Harley alone without a babysitter, because they all shook their heads.
“Space Mountain!” Harley declared, and started weaving through the crowds.
***
“You actually expect me to wait in line?” Tony demanded. The little digital sign said that there was a fifty minute wait for Space Mountain. “You can’t be serious. I don’t... I don’t wait in lines, Starks have never waited in lines, you cannot expect me to just... Stand there! In line!”
So maybe Tony was making a bit of a scene, because people were starting to stare, but he barely even noticed, because it wasn’t like they were idiot reporters and half of them probably didn’t even speak English.
“That’s how this works, Tony,” Steve said in his patient I’m-Captain-America-listen-to-me voice. Tony was particularly good at ignoring that one.
“Bruce. Brucie. Really. Do you have the patience for this line crap?” Tony asked, turning to his one ally in all this madness, his science bro, the one he could count on....
Bruce shrugged. “I don’t mind lines that much, honestly.”
Tony stared for several long seconds, wondering if Bruce had been replaced by some sort of pod person, before sighing and walking up to the kid standing at the ride entrance. His name tag said ‘Tyler’ in big letters, with ‘University of Central Florida’ written below that in smaller print.
“Hello Tyler from University of Central Florida,” Tony said to him, putting on his very best charming smile. “Do you know who I am?”
Tyler stared at him for several seconds, trying to keep a smile on his face, but it faltered as he looked at Tony, then towards Bruce and Steve and Sam, down at Harley, and back at Tony. “You... look kind of familiar?”
That was Sam choking on a laugh, damn him, Tony should have never invited him, but Steve liked the guy and Tony really wanted a chance to get ahold of his wings. Tony was still trying to process the fact that this kid didn’t know who he was, how could anybody not know who Tony was when his picture had been all over the supermarket tabloids for longer than this kid had been alive?
“C’mon, Tony, let’s just get in line,” Harley said, tugging Tony’s hand.
“How much would it cost to go straight to the head of the line?” Tony asked Tyler, ignoring Harley and the others. “No, I’m not kidding, are we talking fifties? Hundreds? Do I need to get out my check book?”
Tyler looked like some kind of a fish, mouth opening and closing uselessly. Steve sighed and shoved Tony towards the standby entrance. “We’re waiting in line like everyone, else, Tony,” he said, and the matter was closed.
***
“This is terrible. Who ever thought this was a good idea? Are they trying to make people sick even before getting on the ride? I’m all about parallel lines, but let me tell you, I’m not a fan of this optical illusion shit,” Tony said.
“Language,” Steve said, for the fifth or sixth time in the last ten minutes. Tony was maybe secretly hoping that if he swore loudly and frequently enough, the parents with the screaming child behind them might get out of line. So far, no luck.
“Seriously, who’s idea was it to build a sloped hallway with ridges on the wall that are parallel to the floor? This length at this slope, it makes you think you’re walking through a flat hallway, and that’s just not fair,” Tony argued.
“It is rather unsettling,” Bruce admitted, but he still looked more amused than angry (which fine, Tony didn’t really want Bruce to Hulk out in the middle of DisneyWorld, but he really wasn’t enjoying the lack of support.)
“Oh hey, look, I found Miranda!” Sam said, the giant geek that he was, pointing at one of the poorly illustrated fake solar system drawings on the wall that were supposed to represent some space colony thing that they were supposedly traveling to on these supposed rockets. Tony wasn’t all that good at make believe when it didn’t involve a lot of alcohol or a lot of sex.
“Who’s Miranda?” Steve asked.
“Miranda was a planet in a sci-fi movie.”
“Good job giving that to him in Captain Dummy Talk, Banner,” Tony said, clapping Bruce on one shoulder. Steve sighed, resigned to missing the reference, as Harley and Sam both laughed and Bruce rolled his eyes.
“Oh hey, look, games!” Tony said, once they were finally out of the Hallway from Hell. There were screens all along the wall and buttons and some sort of interactive games going on, with people crowded around.
Steve, the bastard, won every round.
***
“Jesus, how the hell long is this line?” Tony demanded. They were standing through their thirteenth iteration of a really cheesy 80s video of the ride that was playing on what looked like a CRT television and Tony was going to cry, literally cry, if he had to watch the bad not-even-CGI one more time.
“We’ve only been in line for twenty minutes,” Sam said.
“You’re joking. Tell me you’re joking, Wilson, please, because if you’re not joking that means we still have at least half an hour more of waiting in this…this…I don’t even know what this is! And look, why do those people get to just waltz right up, why are we not doing the waltzing? You know why, because you wouldn’t let me bribe Tyler from University of Central Florida, that’s why. We could have been on this ride six times by now.”
“You don’t have any duct tape or super glue on you, do you, Bruce?” Sam asked.
“Sorry,” Bruce said. He pulled his StarkPhone out of his pocket. He fiddled with it for a moment, and then held it out to Tony. “Here, double check my calculus.”
Tony stared at the phone, then stared at Bruce, then stared back down at the phone, then looked past Bruce to where there was a six year old kid playing Angry Birds on an iPhone. “Are you…you’re managing me, aren’t you. I do not need managing, Bruce, I’m an adult and a genius and—”
“Can we not take him on the next ride?” Harley asked Steve. Tony glared and snatched Bruce’s phone.
***
“No.”
“It’ll be fun, Tony. Space Mountain wasn’t so bad, was it?” Steve wheedled.
“No,” Tony repeated, crossing his arms to show how serious he was. “I refuse.”
“You can wait out here for us if that’s what you want,” Sam said. “The rest of us are going to go enjoy ourselves.”
“This is blackmail,” Tony said. “Emotional blackmail. Why am I friends with you people? Why am I paying for all of you to do this to me? You can’t make me.”
“You’re right, we can’t. See you in an hour or so,” Steve said, and headed towards the line for the Carousel of Progress.
“See ya, Tony,” Harley said, waving as he trailed after Steve. Bruce, who was continuing to be a traitorous traitor, shrugged and followed.
“You can watch the Incredibles dance party,” Sam suggested, pointing towards the brightly lit stage where people were dressed as fake superheroes dancing to all of the worst wedding music ever.
“This is cruel and unusual punishment, you know. I’m calling my lawyers,” Tony threatened.
“No one’s forcing you to go on the ride, Tony,” Sam said. He was using that tone of voice, the one that Tony hated, where he was treating Tony like he was some kind of toddler having a temper tantrum. The fact that there was a literal toddler ten feet away having an actual, screaming temper tantrum didn’t seem to impact Sam’s treatment of him in the least. “You’re an adult, you can choose what you want to do.” And then Sam was walking away, leaving Tony standing alone under a really ugly metal palm tree.
“I hate you all,” he muttered, trailing after Sam to join the others in the line. If Harley and Steve were wearing matching grins, he refused to notice.
***
There was a thing. Tony could only stare at it in mute horror, wishing he had his suitcase suit with him so he could wipe that thing from existence.
It was shaped like a human, if humans had skin that obviously looked like plastic and moved like—not even like robots, Tony’s bots did not move like that, his bots were graceful and this thing was just…
Singing. It was singing.
“Oh my God,” Tony said, not even bothering to keep his voice down. “This is—this is hell on Earth. I have literally been tortured before, tortured in a cave in the middle of the desert, by the kind of people who would even make Natasha blink, and I’m telling you, this is worse. This is—”
“Shh!” someone hissed from behind Tony.
Steve elbowed him and leaned over to whisper. “Just watch the show, Tony. It’s not that bad.”
“Not that bad?” Tony asked. “Not that bad? Steve, my father is rolling over in his grave right now, and I can’t even… I can’t be seen here, this is going to ruin my reputation forever, I cannot be associated with this travesty!”
A ride attendant came down the aisle towards where they were sitting. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you continue to disturb the other guests.”
Steve was giving him that Disappointed Look, the one he had to have stolen from Pepper. Tony slouched down in the seat. “I can’t believe you’re making me sit through this,” he muttered.
“No one forced you on the ride, Tony,” Steve said, as the theater started rotating and the singing continued and someone just needed to put him out of his misery already, maybe he could convince Rhodey to call in a tactical air strike.
By the time they moved on to the fourth scene, he was actively weeping, and he didn’t care, because this was horrible, this was an insult to every futurist ever, and if Walt Disney were still alive he’d be having a heart attack, Tony knew he would because Walt had been friends with his father (and that damn song that would not stop playing was written by the same guy who wrote the StarkExpo song, Tony just knew it, he was going to have nightmares for years to come). There was a flat-screen TV and the kids were playing with disgusting virtual reality goggles and this was supposed to represent some sort of glorious vision of the future. There was a desktop computer, for crying out loud, and the vocal recognition on the appliances was a worse hack job than something Tony had cobbled together when he was sixteen and drunk for a week straight.
The lights came up. Tony tried to sink further into his chair.
“You know, something like this would have come in handy as a better way to introduce me to the future,” Steve said, half dragging Tony to his feet so they could exit the theater.
“I’m going to be sick,” Tony declared. Steve just laughed.
***
“Hello, boys.”
Tony absolutely did not jump and shift into a defensive posture. Not that it would have made any difference, because Natasha was standing behind him. At least, it looked like Natasha, but it was hard to tell because she was wearing a headband that had two giant plastic ears attached to it, with a red and white polka dotted bow in between them. Clint and Coulson were both wearing little black beanie hats with ears that matched Natasha’s.
“You’re lucky I don’t have heart problems anymore,” Tony accused. “Are you three done with the park already?”
“Hardly,” Natasha said. “We’ve only made it through the Storybook Circus.”
“There’s not a real circus,” Clint said, sounding somewhat forlorn. “On the other hand, flying elephants.” He held up a stuffed elephant with ridiculously oversized ears that looked vaguely familiar to Tony.
“We’re going on the Space Ranger Spin next,” Natasha said. “Before our FastPasses for Space Mountain.”
“What’s the Space Ranger Spin?” Steve asked, even as Harley was already jumping up and down in excitement.
Of course, Harley’s excitement paled in comparison to Clint’s. He had a shit-eating grin on his face and was rubbing his hands together gleefully. “Shooting gallery ride.”
“This isn’t going to end well,” Bruce said.
“This is going to be awesome,” was Harley’s opinion.
Steve’s head was tilted just a little to the side. That was never a good look. That was the look of a Man With a Plan, and whoever thought Steve was the sane one in their group was wrong and never had followed him into battle, because Captain America was fucking scary when he had enough time to put together a plan. “Lowest combined score buys the highest combined score something from the gift shop.”
“Okay, no,” Tony protested. “This is not fair. If we’re doing this, I’m instituting handicaps. Kid, you’re with Hawkeye. Sorry, you’re dead weight, and that’s exactly what he needs,” he said, completely unapologetic. “Sam and Natasha, Steve and Agent,” he continued—and maybe it was a vain hope that Coulson would be so distracted by Captain America in the same car-buggy-thing as him that he wouldn’t be super-crazy-scary-badass, but Tony had to hope. “And Science Bros.”
“Tony, I don’t think…” Bruce started to say, but Tony held up his hand to stop him.
“Science Bros. My decision is final,” he added.
“I suppose that’s a fair breakdown, all things considered,” Coulson said. Clint was still grinning, but Tony had Plans, and the only thing scarier than Captain America with a plan was Tony Stark with a plan.
“Come on, Brucie, we’ve got work to do,” Tony said, and dragged Bruce into line.
***
“Tony, I don’t think—”
“I’m not paying you to think right now, honey buns, I’m paying you to act as a buffer between me and Captain Spoilsport behind us and make sure that Agent doesn’t catch on to what I’m doing so he can trick Jarvis into helping him instead.”
“It’s a ride, Tony,” Bruce tried again. Tony wasn’t really listening to him, focusing more of his attention on the phone in his hands. The code was laughably easy to get into—did they even bother with firewalls? No, probably not, considering that the entire park had a free wi-fi network for guests and most people probably never thought to go into the rides and…tweak them…a bit. “And do you really think this is going to make any difference?”
“It’s going to make all the difference,” Tony said, glancing up to give Bruce an offended look. “You have been entirely not on my side here, Bruce, and that has to stop, we’re bros, you know that, you signed the Bro Code, and that means helping me use science to win.”
“I think cheating is the word you’re looking for here,” Bruce said, but he was still keeping himself between Tony and Steve, so that was worth something, at least.
“There’s no such thing as cheating in the real world, you should know that, we’ve been over this, there’s just the way that everyone else does it, and the way billionaire geniuses do it, and while you’re not in the billionaire category, I’m willing to put you in the genius category and you happen to have a very wealthy benefactor—and may I say, your sugar daddy is also incredibly handsome—”
“And modest,” Bruce put in.
Tony nodded in agreement. “Yes, and modest, so we’ll excuse your lack of personal funds on the grounds of that. So no energy is being created or destroyed, we’re not breaking any laws of physics, therefore it’s not cheating, and don’t you want to see the look on Barton’s face when we beat him?”
Bruce was starting to crack, Tony could tell. “I’m still not sure this is a good idea.”
“Brucie, we’re playing against a super soldier, the best sniper in the world, a crazy assassin, and a dude who was crazy enough to take on a Norse god by himself and lived to tell the tale. I’m just leveling the playing field,” Tony pointed out. Bruce still looked reluctant, so Tony slung an arm around his shoulder. “Look, I won’t activate it until halfway through the ride, okay? So they’ll have a fighting chance for the first half.”
Bruce sighed. Tony smiled and started planning on what he was going to make them buy for him.
***
“Just wait ‘til I get my hands on you, Stark!” Clint was shouting from two cars behind Tony and Bruce. Natasha was just glaring, and Tony was trying not to think about what the two of them would do to him if they caught him.
“Be ready to run,” Tony told Bruce as they approached the end of the ride. “We can make a break for Main Street, lose them in the morning parade.”
“They know where your hotel room is, Tony,” Bruce said. “And they live in your tower in New York. Somehow I don’t think hiding among tourists is going to do you much good.”
“Nonsense. I heard there were tunnels under the park, bet we can find one of them and make it to the other side of the park,” Tony said, bouncing in his seat waiting for the doors to automatically open on their cart.
“Don’t think you can get away from me, Stark,” Clint called out. “I know how your brain works. I know this park better than you do. I know how to operate in a crowded place. I hunt people down for a living, Stark, and I have Phil and Natasha on my side and you will not escape our wrath!”
“I want the biggest Mickey Mouse they sell!” Tony shouted back. The door slid open; Tony grabbed Bruce by the wrist, ignoring his complaints, and started running.
***
Because Tony wasn’t stupid, and was entirely confident that somehow the Spy Twins had overheard the plan he’d given to Bruce, he headed towards the PeopleMover instead of Main Street. It was a calculated risk, because there was only one way off the ride, but it would be quicker to blend into this crowd. Besides, Tony Stark did not run unless he had no other option, and right now he still had options.
“Really, Tony,” Bruce was saying, as Tony tugged them down into a crouch on the escalator thingie that led to the loading platform. “Don’t you think there’s something rather childish about this?”
“We’re in DisneyWorld, Bruce, isn’t that the whole point? I’ve been getting lectured by all of you people for how many days now on how I needed to let go and embrace this? Well this is me, embracing it!” Tony said.
The ride attendant gave them a bored look as they finally made it to the front of the line. “How many?”
“Two, but I’m not sure your cars are big enough for his ego,” Bruce said, this time the one doing the pulling until they were seated on the hard plastic that Tony was very much not thinking about how many germs it could be covered in. “You know you’re going to have to apologize eventually,” he added, once the train of cars, curved around the first bend and started accelerating.
Tony slouched and ignored him.
***
“We need disguises,” Tony declared. The nearest shop was called the Merchant of Venus, which was a clever enough pun, Tony supposed, even if Shakespeare was probably rolling around in his grave somewhere. Or not, the bastard might have enjoyed the commercial exploitation.
“No, Tony. I draw the line at disguises.”
Bruce was standing near the shop entrance, arms crossed, and Tony could almost believe he was close to Hulking out, except he wasn’t turning green. Tony pouted at him. “I bet the Big Guy would be more fun about this,” he muttered, turning towards a row of hats.
“You are not guilting me into participating in your latest bout of insanity by suggesting that a giant green rage monster would be more fun.”
Tony held out a t-shirt to Bruce. It was blue, with Grumpy looking, well, grumpy, and had the caption ‘I’m Grumpy, don’t make it worse.’ “Look, honey, they made this one just for you!”
Bruce facepalmed, but Tony had finally worn him down enough, because he took the shirt. “I’m not going to be your human shield when they catch up to us,” Bruce said. “But I will wear this on one condition.”
“Name your price.”
“You will wear whichever item I pick out for you, and you will not complain about it. The first complaint I hear, I’m telling the others where you are and abandoning you to your fate,” Bruce said.
“You’re just as culpable as I am in what happened, don’t think you’re going to get off scott-free on this one, mister,” Tony said. Bruce’s response was to smirk and hold up the t-shirt Tony had shoved at him.
They were at a stand-off, that much was obvious. Tony looked around the store, trying to figure out what the worst possible thing Bruce could make him wear would be. “Nothing pink, and we have a deal.”
He really should have known better when Bruce patted him on the head and walked towards the row of hats. “They’ll never look for you in one of these.”
It had long floppy ears and an oversized bill and a pair of buck teeth hanging off of the rim and people actually paid money to be seen in these things? He was getting hives just looking at it. “Bruce. Brucie. Snuggle buns. Science Bro. You seriously can’t expect me to wear that.”
Bruce just held it out with the smirk of a man who had more patience than Tony could ever dream of having. With his other hand, he pulled his cell phone out. “Your choice.”
“I hate you. You’re off my Christmas list. See if I buy you that scanning electron microscope you wanted.”
Bruce patted him on the head again and got in line.