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"I lay by the ocean making love to her with visions clear / Walked for days with no one near." Sophie B. Hawkins's voice floated from the tape deck on Deena's dresser. The song was slightly subdued by the stereo, providing background noise as the two girls lay side-by-side on top of a patterned wool blanket. Their legs were tangled together, resembling the curls of Deena's hair that were sprawled out over her decompressed pillow. Their noses bumped against each other as they kissed to the music, a jumble of hands and hair and lips on Deena's bed.
As the song came to a close and the tape clicked to a stop, Deena stood to replace it with another mixtape. She pressed the play button and 'Hey' by Pixies began to resonate from the speaker.
Deena returned, sitting on the edge of the bed, while Sam sat up to meet her. Deena's fingers mindlessly drew shapes and swirls over the creases of Sam's dark-wash jeans.
"You know," Sam said, twirling one of Deena's curls around her finger, "I'm so glad I don't have to listen to songs about wanting you any more."
Deena raised an eyebrow, silently asking her to continue.
"I mean, that song. 'Damn, I wish I was your lover'. Well, for me, it's like... damn, I am your lover, you know? I don't have to wish for it. I have you, and that makes me feel lucky." She smiled shyly as a slight blush crept onto her cheeks. Sam had a habit of getting sappy in the middle of their make-outs.
Tenderness fluttered in Deena's chest. If she were in a cartoon at that moment, her eyes would've turned to hearts. It was moments like this that made her fall deeper in love with her than she ever thought could be possible.
"I'm just glad we both made it out alive," Deena spoke in hushed tones, hesitant to speak loudly as if it would ruin the moment. Her fingers had switched from doodling thoughtlessly to tracing hearts on her jeans. "Having you fall in love with me again was just a bonus."
Sam rolled her eyes and leaned in, kissing her in a half-hearted wish to shut her up but also to wordlessly admit her affections. Deena knew by the touch of her lips exactly what she had meant, and laughed into the kiss. Sam tugged slightly on the curl that was still wrapped around her finger, cutting Deena's laugh short as she let out a surprised gasp. The mood of the kiss shifted, no longer soft and playful. The music reverberated through them as they pushed harder together, wanting to press their passion into each other. Sam's hands retreated from her hair and pulled the red-and-black flannel off Deena's shoulders, which she then tossed onto the floor. Her hands gripped Sam's waist, dancing along the hem of her shirt, but she could tell there was hesitation.
Deena broke the kiss and searched Sam's expression for answers. "You okay?"
Sam pulled herself away, her eyebrows knitted together in worry. "Do you ever get the feeling that, like, something bad is going to happen whenever we do this?" Her voice was quiet and scared like a stray kitten, weary with matted fur from the bad times of before.
Deena lifted her hands to hold Sam's face. Her blue eyes glistened as she met her stare. Deena's jaw had squared, determined and strong, but she softened under Sam's gaze. Her eyes flickered over Sam's face as the words hesitated on her tongue. Deena had always been the strong one, the one who kept it together even as her best friends died before her eyes and the all of the truths she thought she could trust were shredded and shattered in front of her. To admit vulnerability, to break the facade, to let herself be just herself for Sam was constant internal battle. She tried hard to let her walls down for her.
"I wish I could tell you I didn't feel it too, but I do." Deena inhaled, breathing shakier than she had intended. "I know what you're saying, but I can promise you that you're safe. There's no more curse, and there's no one here except you, and me, and my brother who is downstairs and probably busy playing some stupid video game, and you know he knows about us and doesn't mind. We're safe here. I'll protect you."
Sam giggled, and in that moment Deena wished that she could record it onto a mixtape to listen to forever. She brushed her blonde hair behind her ear and smiled, leaning in to kiss her as the world melted around them. Sam's lips were sweet like honey. Her perfume smelled like jasmine and her hair smelled like lemons, reminding Deena of the hot teas Sam usually drank to keep warm in the winter. Deena's conditioner gave her an aura of vanilla, just simple enough to be sultry, while all her clothes smelled like sandalwood and cedar from the cologne she stole during their last trip to the mall. They breathed each other in as their lips parted just to re-connect a moment later. They knew each other's mouths inside and out, their tongues taking turns slipping past to graze over the opposite bottom lip.
Sam lifted her own shirt up above her head and discarded it next to the red flannel on the floor. She wrapped her arms around Deena's neck as she leaned back, pulling Deena on top of her. Her knees rested on either side of one of Sam's thighs, the stiff fabric of her jeans making it difficult to straddle her completely. Her curly hair intervened between their lips, and Sam laughed as Deena tugged strands out of her mouth. Sam slipped a hair tie off of her wrist and handed it to Deena, who sat up in order to put her hair in a ponytail. With the majority of her hair gathered into the elastic, she leaned over Sam's face again.
"Let me know if you want me to stop," Deena whispered. Sam felt her warm breath fan over her lips, and stopping became the last thing on her mind.
Sam nodded and tugged on the collar of Deena's shirt, closing the gap between them as they kissed again. Sam lifted her leg that was between Deena's, trying to give her something solid to grind on while their lips collided. Deena understood Sam's intention as she felt her leg rise, but the denim wouldn't allow it to fit between her thighs.
"Hold on," Deena said, leaning away to unbutton her jeans. She balanced on alternating legs as she shimmied it down her body and ungracefully kicked it off her ankles. She wobbled for a moment as she realigned herself. "There. Try again."
She leaned down to continue the kiss as Sam's leg found its place between her thighs again, this time touching where it had originally meant to. Deena had to shift slightly, turning her hips in a certain direction in order to grind against her leg. When she found the placement that worked, she gasped into Sam's mouth at the feeling. Every time Deena connected with her thigh, she felt electric tension build between her legs. Their timing was off-beat but rhythmic, their lips pressing together in the breaks between Deena rolling against Sam's leg. It wasn't awkward, but it was obvious that this was their first time doing anything like this.
Deena steered her kisses away from Sam's lips and peppered them over her jawline then down her neck. She took small bites of her skin, sucking on and running her tongue over the areas.
"Don't give me any hickeys," Sam murmured between breaths. "My mom will kill me."
"I won't," Deena replied as she pulled away, second-guessing that her last kiss may have lasted a moment too long as pale red marks sprinkled over Sam's neck.
She continued to make her way down Sam's body, leaving a trail of wet kisses over her neck, collarbones, and sternum. When her lips brushed against the fabric of Sam's bra, she pulled away. The tan-nude color was too dark to match her pearly skin. Sam looked up at the girl above her, curious as to why she had stopped.
"We don't-- You don't have to take it off," Deena rushed to get the words out, Sam's comfort being her top priority.
"It's okay," Sam replied as she arched her back forward, reaching underneath herself to unhook her bra. After a moment of fumbling, the snug band became slack, and the cups rested on top of her skin instead of hugging it. She slipped the straps off her arms and dropped it beside them on the bed.
Deena had to remind herself to close her jaw. She scanned Sam's body, completely topless, laid out before her, and silently thanked God for letting them both stay alive. Her breasts were small and round, exactly what Deena had imagined in her countless nights spent alone with Sam on her mind. She couldn't stop looking at the beauty in her bedsheets. She felt breathless, and as her eyes found Sam's face again, she noticed how both of their cheeks were burning bright.
"Sorry, I..." Deena took in a breath to clear her train of thought. "You're beautiful, Sam. Sorry for staring, you're just... Wow."
Sam's blush deepened but she smiled in return, some of her self-consciousness dissolving at the compliment.
"I don't... What do you want me to do with... them?" Deena gestured at her chest.
Sam shrugged. "I don't usually touch them or anything."
"Really?"
She tried not to let Deena's incredulous tone affect her. "Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it's just because I've never had anyone else do it, but it doesn't make me feel like..."
"Are you serious?" Deena's brows furrowed, pure confusion riddling her face.
Sam averted her gaze, subconsciously covering her chest. Her ears burned of embarrassment.
Deena realized how her questions had been interpreted. "No! Oh my God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It's just--" She felt heat creep over her cheeks. "I like... stuff done to mine. So I was just a little surprised. I didn't mean... Nothing's wrong with that. It's normal."
She felt her body relax against the bed, her arms loosening their grip around her torso. "Oh," Sam whispered. A memory of them in the science lab at the high school flashed through her head - her hand cupping Deena's breast, squeezing, eliciting a moan from her as they kissed. "Okay."
Her arms fell to the side, and Deena was once again in awe of how perfect she looked, how well all the pieces of her body seemed to fit together. "I don't have to do anything to them if you don't want me to."
"You can try," Sam replied with another shrug.
Deena nodded, wanting to make Sam feel good in any and every way possible. She leaned down, forming an L-shape with her fingers as she cupped her breast with her hand. She lifted it gently towards her lips, placing a soft kiss to Sam's nipple. She felt her body tense underneath her, and continued by flicking her tongue out over the hardened bud. She drew circles around it with her tongue, just as she had imagined Sam doing to her. Deena kissed it once more and then moved to the other side, repeating the process with just as much tenderness as before. After softly kissing around each nipple, she lifted her chin up and met Sam's gaze.
"How was that?" Deena asked, nervous despite already assuming the answer.
Sam's nose crinkled slightly. "It wasn't bad, but..."
"It wasn't that good?"
Sam nodded. It was what Deena had expected her to say.
"That's okay," Deena continued. "We don't have to do it again, so that's okay."
"Thanks for trying, though," Sam said with a small smile. She was truly grateful for it; she believed part of being intimate is learning about your partner, and God, she wanted to know Deena inside and out, and she wanted Deena to know her in the same ways.
Deena returned the smile, then a feeling of awkward tension started to crawl over her. Radiohead's 'Creep' suddenly sounded so much louder in the silence. "So, um... Is there anything else you want to do?"
The blonde was open, vulnerable, apparently invincible to any awkwardness filling the space between them. "What else is there to do?"
"Well, I could try, uh... eating you out?" Deena immediately scrunched her face as the words left her mouth, cringing at how vulgar they sounded. She had hoped to sound more romantic, especially considering this was the first time she suggested it.
Sam chuckled, but Deena couldn't tell if she was laughing at her or simply due to nerves. "Sure, but, I think I should warn you. I haven't shaved in a while, so, it might be a little..." Sam trailed off, a nervous smile on her lips.
Deena laughed lightly, not because of Sam's shaving habits but because she thought she had to warn her about it. "It's okay. It's normal," she said as she met Sam's lips with a soft kiss.
Deena shuffled backwards, letting her legs slip off the bed and her feet hit the ground. She knelt on the floor, her eyes level with the valleys and peaks of Sam's body. She motioned for Sam to move forward, dangling her legs off the bed. She shifted one time too many and her butt slipped off the edge of the mattress, causing her to fall forward. Deena instinctively reached out to grab her, catching her awkwardly in her lap but saving her from landing on the carpet.
The pair dissolved into giggles at the authenticity of the situation, how real and true and awkward it was for things to go wrong when they were trying to impress one another.
"Good to know you're still falling for me," Deena said, trying to be smooth, which only caused Sam to laugh harder.
She playfully shoved Deena's shoulder. "What movie did you steal that from?"
Deena leaned in to kiss Sam, and they shared touches full of laughter and vulnerability. It was romance in the most genuine form. Their hearts swelled in light of it all.
"Did you still want me to...?" Deena asked as she pulled away, their love still electrifying the air around them.
Sam nodded, kissed her once more, then stood back up to lie on the bed. She positioned herself so that the grooves under her butt lined up with the edge of the mattress, her center just barely hanging on. She unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them off, leaving her underwear on. Deena grabbed them as the denim landed at her ankles, helping to pull them off entirely. She parted Sam's legs and began to kiss the insides of her thighs, staying away from the border of her lilac underwear. She wanted to see all of Sam, all at once, but she figured baby steps would help her feel less self-conscious. She took turns grazing her tongue and teeth over the pale, delicate skin, reminiscent of the kisses she had covered her neck with earlier.
Deena alternated between Sam's thighs, making sure to skip over her underwear each time, until she noticed Sam's hips tense when her cheek brushed against the corner of it. She slowed down, placing kisses with gentle care, inching closer to her underwear. Deena eventually reached the middle and softly kissed her over the fabric. Sam's hips lifted up against her mouth, silently begging for more.
She continued to kiss through her underwear, feeling all the curves beneath her lips. Sam's breaths kept hitching in her throat every time Deena's lips pressed down. Her hips moved against her in a rhythm of their own. Deena eventually slipped her tongue over the fabric, flicking twice over her covered clit, causing Sam to let out a shaky, desperate exhale.
"Shit... Can you just...?"
Deena pulled away at the sound of her voice. She saw a damp spot forming in the middle of her underwear, darkening it to violet. Sam propped herself up on her elbows to see Deena, who was already breathless just from the idea of what would happen next. "You want me to take it off?" Deena asked.
"Please." Sam's voice was barely a whisper. Their eyes met and Deena could see the certainty igniting Sam's gaze. No hesitation from her. Deena tried to shake off her fears and act as confident as Sam seemed to be.
Deena hooked two fingers on both hands into either side of the lilac fabric, then hesitated, nervous. She looked up at her girlfriend. "Sam, are you sure? Because you don't have to--"
"Do you want this?" Sam asked, a slight edge to her voice. Her face spoke of concern for the girl below her, but her tone didn't hide the desperation she felt below the surface.
Deena - taken aback by her response, how quickly she had turned it around on her - tried to gather her thoughts quickly. "Y-yes, of course I do. I mean, I've thought about this forever, I just want to make sure--"
"I want it, Deena." Sam spoke as if she had never been so sure about anything else in her life. "I want you. So, as long as you want to do this, I'm on board."
Deena nodded, suddenly alight with the determination she felt radiating off of Sam. She pulled down her underwear, slipped it off her legs and dropped it onto the pile of clothes. She tried not to freeze as she took in the view of her now completely uncovered before her, but she couldn't help it.
"Is this what you've been thinking about?" Sam asked, watching Deena's eyes flicker over her body.
She met Sam's eyes and smiled. "It's better than I could've ever imagined."
Deena shuffled closer to the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around her thighs. She saw how her underwear had darkened earlier; Sam's lips were already slick. Deena leaned in and kissed over her lips, feeling the wetness pooling against her bottom lip. She kissed again, this time closing her lips around Sam's clit. She bit down on her lip to suppress a whimper. Deena opened her mouth, licked a strip between her lips, then flicked her tongue over her clit.
Sam's chest rose and fell as her breathing grew heavier, her legs tingling from the sensation. "Can you move, uh, down a little more, please?"
Deena followed her instructions, continuing to move her tongue in the same pattern as she traveled a bit lower. She looked up at Sam for approval, but could tell she wasn't getting it right. "Do you wanna just show me?" Deena asked, open and willing.
"Sure," she replied as she let her right hand come forward, fingers finding her own clit with ease. Deena watched attentively. There was something so tantalizing about watching her touch herself, especially when Deena knew that it was all for her. Sam's fingers rubbed over a spot that made her hips tense. "Right there, if you can?"
Deena nodded, closing the gap between them again. She replaced Sam's fingers with her tongue, slipping into place like a puzzle piece. She searched her face for a sign that she was doing it right, and she couldn't help the smile that formed as she watched Sam's head roll backwards.
"Oh, sh-shit, Deena."
Her moans were like music to her ears. Deena let herself get lost in the sounds, feeling a pool start to form in her own underwear. She tried to quicken the pace, but that only made her movements sloppy and light. In order to keep it steady and pressured, she needed to move slowly. Sam didn't seem to mind; her hips continued to grind against her tongue without complaint.
The mixtape clicked to a stop once again, but Deena was too focused to care. Sam's whimpering was the only thing on her mind. It was only when she stopped lifting her hips and said, "Did you want to listen to something else?" that Deena had noticed there was no music playing.
Deena pulled back, her lips swollen and red from pressing against Sam's stubble. She took a second to process what Sam had asked, as if floating back down to Earth. "Oh, sure," she said, slightly stumbling as she stood. Sam sat up and closed her legs, watching as Deena pressed the play button without switching the cassette.
"Are you okay?" Deena asked, noticing Sam's change in body language. "Was I too much?"
"Yes. I mean, no, you weren't too much. Yes, I'm okay." Sam pulled Deena down to sit beside her on the bed. "You were, like, actually really good, especially seeing as you've never done that before. You're a fast learner. I just... I think I'm too nervous to finish." Blush spread over Sam's cheeks.
Deena pushed her blonde hair out of her face and behind her ear, smiling shyly. "That's okay, Sam. I'm glad I could make you feel good anyway."
Sam leaned in and kissed her, both of their smiles interfering. Deena's lips were still shiny and tasted of salt. The connection between them felt stronger than before, filled with the cliché feelings of butterflies and sparks.
"I love you," Sam whispered, their foreheads still touching. Her lips brushed against Deena's as she spoke.
"I love you, too."
Deena leaned over and plucked two tissues from the box on her bedside table, giving one to Sam and wiping her mouth with the other. She picked up Sam's clothes from the floor and handed them to her once she was done cleaning herself. Sam walked over to the mirror to fix her shirt when she realized a small, pink spot on her neck.
"Shit, Deena! I told you not to give me any hickeys!" She spun around and pointed at the bruise accusingly.
"You said it too late!" Deena raised her hands in self-defense, trying to shrug off the blame. "Here, you can use my concealer."
"I think a giant freckle would be more obvious than this," Sam countered, looking at the dark beige powder sitting below the mirror.
"Fine, fair. I'll get some ice?"
"I'll come with. I need some water anyway," Sam said with a smile as they walked hand-in-hand to the kitchen.