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The File: Dumb Texts Behind The Scenes

Summary:

PJ: i almost suplexed your child

 

TS: what?????

 

PJ: i was in the garage. he was in the garage. I was unaware of who he was

 

TS: did you punch him?

 

TS: i swear to god

--

YES i needed to make a gc fic to soothe my soul. do not question me.

Notes:

i wrote this just because i wanted some Dumb Family Bonding. im sorry.

this spans chapters 8-11 by the way

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: percy becomes God

Chapter Text

 

we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

PJ : im bored

 

TS : ok????

 

PJ : entertain me

 

TS : im working right now

 

PJ : damn guess i’ll get up and go find something myself

 

TS : NO

 

TS : percy if you move i swear to god

 

TS : there is a HOLE in your LUNG. ask fri to get something

 

PJ : :(

 

TS : don’t :( me

 

PJ : :(



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we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

PJ : [Image: Mrs. O’Leary is sitting on the couch patiently. She has neatly done pigtails in, and looks very happy]

 

TS : heh.

 

`TS: nice



---



we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

TS : im going to call the kid. Invite him over to the labs at some point

 

PJ : good.

 

PJ : he seems like a good kid

 

TS : he is.



---



we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

TS : was there fucking crack in those cookies

 

PJ : no?????

 

TS : cookies arent that good. Its not how life works

 

TS : it felt like crack

 

PJ : why do you know what crack feels like???

 

PJ : Tony?????

 

PJ : TONY?????



---




we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

PJ: i almost suplexed your child

 

TS: what?????

 

PJ: i was in the garage. he was in the garage. I was unaware of who he was

 

TS: did you punch him?

 

TS: i swear to god

 

PJ: pffft no. where the trust?

 

TS: you spartan kicked a reporter yesterday.

 

PJ: they were fucking rude, tony.

 

TS: not the point. what did you do.

 

PJ: nothing!! 

 

PJ: i just kinda looked at him for a second then left

 

PJ: no harm done

 

TS: ….

 

PJ: i can feel your judgmental squint from here

 

TS: good

 

PJ: you really like the kid, huh

 

TS: well

 

TS: yeah

 

TS: hes hella smart

 

PJ: thats not it

 

TS : ?

 

PJ : you actually like him as a person

 

PJ : i can tell

 

PJ : you’re gonna adopt him

 

TS : What?? No.

 

PJ : ooooh someones busting out the capital letters and punctuation

 

TS : how do you even know that?

 

PJ : fri

 

TS : ...ok. but im not going to adopt him, he already has a family and i dont need a kid

 

PJ : uhhhh huh. that’s why you anonymously donated to his school’s chemistry program

 

TS : how the shit did you know about that

 

TS : i just did that

 

TS : how

 

PJ : ;)

 

TS : mildly upsetting. anyways

 

TS : not my kid. 

 

PJ : ooooh wait

 

[PJ has changed TS’s nickname to ‘Father of 5’]

 

PJ : :)

 

Father of 5 : wh

 

Father of 5 : why

 

PJ : peter, U, dum-e, butterfingers, and fri

 

Father of 5 : i still deny that

 

PJ : its a nice name! I worked hard

 

Father of 5 : ...you just learned how to do that, huh

 

PJ: mayhaps

 

Father of 5 : shouldn't you know technology? You are like 20

 

PJ : not my fault i never had a phone

 

Father of 5: i still think that is weird

 

Father of 5: thats like. the one thing someone your age should have

 

PJ: ‘someone my age’ shut up old man

 

PJ: im actually an eldritch being from centuries ago. I Know Everything. 

 

Father of 5: ...that fact that i sort of believe that is a little concerning. 



---




Father of 5: where the hell did you and mrs o’leary get matching pajamas

 

Father of 5: please i need to know



---




Father of 5: fri said you had a nightmare last night. You ok?

 

PJ : fucking snitch

 

PJ: yeah im fine.

 

PJ: ive had worse

 

Father of 5: i hate that

 

PJ: life do be like that sometimes

 

Father of 5: for fucks sake

 

PJ: a n y w a y s

 

PJ: spidey coming over today?

 

Father of 5: yeah

 

Father of 5: at 10:30

 

PJ: awful early time to make your child get up

 

Father of 5: he gets up early

 

Father of 5: and hes not my kid

 

PJ: your nickname begs to differ

 

Father of 5: oh for hell's sake

 

Father of 5: if i have to suffer, you do too

 

[Father of 5 has set PJ’s nickname to ‘crack dealer’]

 

crack dealer: what

 

Father of 5 : im still not forgetting those cookies

 

crack dealer: of course not. 



---




we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

crack dealer: hey where are you

 

crack dealer: nvm im coming down




---




Peter Parker and Tony Stark

 

Underoos : mr stark your friend is scary



---



            we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

crack dealer: ok im stealing your child now. going to go feed him lunch. 



---



we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

crack dealer: i think your kid just helped me track down a shooter

 

---



Peter Parker and Tony Stark

 

Underoos: ok i take it back his dog is cute

 

---



we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

crack dealer: your son was very helpful

 

crack dealer: i can see why you adopted him. 10/10, gave lea good pets

 

Father of 5: not my kid

 

Father of 5:

 

Father of 5: glad he could help, though

 

---



we had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 

crack dealer: i have the power of god

 

Father of 5: why do i hear boss music

 

crack dealer: i have an idea

 

Father of 5: im already scared



---



[PJ has added Tony Stark and Peter Parker]

 

[PJ had changed their name to ‘God’]

 

God: told you

 

Tony Stark: are you really gonna pull the kid into this?

 

God: family bonding, tony

 

[Peter Parker has changed their name to ‘soup’]

 

soup: hi????

Tony Stark: why soup?

 

soup: like soup

 

God: mood

 

God: like food….but can use straw

 

soup: mmm yes. swirly straw for soup

 

God: s̸̢͉̯̖̬͇̺͇̜͖̗͆̋̇̏̓̈̇̽̌͛̄̓̇̑ơ̸̧͙̣̣̜̤̹̤͕͐͋͒͑͂̋̋̏̊̈́̾̆͐̑̿̋͆̚u̴̢̧̱̰͍̫̻̣̲̲͈͚̝̮̠̤̜̞̣̩̐̉̒̾̋̐̇͗͑̋̅̈́̊̋̌̌́̉̄̔̾͂͜͝ͅp̸̧̧͕̠͍̝̰̦͔̈́̇̎̽̏̌̀̊̊̉̍̅͂̐̎̃͆͘͜͝

 

soup: finally someone Gets It

 

Tony Stark: what the fuck

 

Tony Stark: why does that cover other messages

 

Tony Stark: how did you do that

 

soup: we did nothing. twas but the power of s̸̢͉̯̖̬͇̺͇̜͖̗͆̋̇̏̓̈̇̽̌͛̄̓̇̑ơ̸̧͙̣̣̜̤̹̤͕͐͋͒͑͂̋̋̏̊̈́̾̆͐̑̿̋͆̚u̴̢̧̱̰͍̫̻̣̲̲͈͚̝̮̠̤̜̞̣̩̐̉̒̾̋̐̇͗͑̋̅̈́̊̋̌̌́̉̄̔̾͂͜͝ͅp̸̧̧͕̠͍̝̰̦͔̈́̇̎̽̏̌̀̊̊̉̍̅͂̐̎̃͆͘͜͝

 

Tony Stark: you two meeting was a mistake

 

God: your anti soup ways are tearing this family apart

 

Soup: mr stark :(

 

Tony Stark:

 

Tony Stark:

 

Tony Stark: dear god

 

Tony Stark: fine

 

Tony Stark: im just going to say it normally.   s̸̢͉̯̖̬͇̺͇̜͖̗͆̋̇̏̓̈̇̽̌͛̄̓̇̑ơ̸̧͙̣̣̜̤̹̤͕͐͋͒͑͂̋̋̏̊̈́̾̆͐̑̿̋͆̚u̴̢̧̱̰͍̫̻̣̲̲͈͚̝̮̠̤̜̞̣̩̐̉̒̾̋̐̇͗͑̋̅̈́̊̋̌̌́̉̄̔̾͂͜͝ͅp̸̧̧͕̠͍̝̰̦͔̈́̇̎̽̏̌̀̊̊̉̍̅͂̐̎̃͆͘͜͝

 

Tony Stark: what in the fresh hell

 

Tony Stark: why did it do that

 

Tony Stark: what did you do

 

God: we did nothing. soup is just like that

 

soup: indeed

 

[God has changed the group name to ‘SSEA’]

 

soup: soup speed eaters association?

 

God: yeah B)

 

soup: nice B)