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Jarek hated thinking about it.
In truth, there was likely not a soul in the realm that liked thinking about previous break-ups. They were messy things, where hearts broke and eyes brimmed with tears. They were loud, where people shouted and accused, spat insults and lashed out.
But in the end, they were sad and lonely.
And Jarek had had a lifetime of being sad and lonely.
Though, he still had Urianger with him. He had been there to hold him when it all felt too much. He had been there, feeling the same things. They had both been there, wounded from the same weapon.
Likely the weapon that Cid regretted building the most.
They had never wanted to hurt each other, it was the last thing that any of them wanted to do. Especially Jarek, who hurt people for a living, and hated every moment of it.
But, unfortunately, they couldn’t quite escape it.
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It was after the battle with Shinryu, when Cid realised that he needed to tell them. He needed to tell them his feelings, no matter how much it hurt; it would only continue to hurt more as time went on.
He was unhappy.
It was a strange feeling, when he thought about it. It was strange to feel unhappy around two people that he cared for, that he loved .
But he couldn’t stand by and watch the two of them fall harder for each other. He couldn’t stand the feeling of being left behind anymore.
He was certain that Jarek meant no malice by it -- he was such a kind soul, the last person who would ever want to upset anyone purposefully -- but even armed with this knowledge did not make it hurt any less.
He would lay in the bed — their bed — next to them, while they slept, and they would be wrapped up in each other’s arms. They faced him, they were not so cruel as to turn their backs on him, but sometimes it felt as if it would be kinder.
Because if they turned their backs, then he wouldn’t have to see how brightly their love shone.
How brightly it shone without him .
He never thought that seeing a contented smile on his partner’s sleeping face would make his heart feel as though it was rotting .
Cid had often heard tell that his partner would be the “ apple of his eye ”.
But lately, Cid thought they were the “ apple in his chest ”.
The apple that rotted and made his chest burn .
The apple that had been poisoning his heart, dripping through his arteries and making him want to curl up in pain.
Perhaps the worst part of love was the end of it. For it was not something that should have an end.
And yet…
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They had been sitting in their living room when it happened. Jarek in his favourite armchair, close to the fireplace, his tail flicking as he soaked up the warmth that fell from the flames. Urianger sat on the couch, fingers flicking through a favourite tome filled with fairytales.
He often thought that the love he had found with Jarek and Cid was akin to something he would find between the pages of his beloved fairytales, a love so strong that it could only be fiction.
In a way, he was right.
In others, he was tragically wrong.
‘Jarek. Urianger,’ Cid had said, looking up from the other side of the coffee table, upon which sat a hunk of metal that he was tinkering with. ‘Can I talk to you about something?’
They had both known something was wrong. Their boyfriend’s voice was tense, worried, it could even be called nervous.
‘Of course,’ the Hrothgar had said. ‘You can tell us anything, you know that.’
There was an unspoken question at the end of Jarek’s speech that stayed behind his teeth. A quiet ‘ right? ’. A silent word that, if spoken, would shatter their bond with questions of trust.
Urianger did not say a word. His lips sewn together by the nerves that stuttered in his stomach, the panic that gripped his entirety. Though he was not well-versed in the tomes of emotion, he knew, deep down, that this would be a conversation that would involve their hearts. And that terrified him.
Cid hated to do this. He looked at Jarek’s tired face, the weariness that had set into his very bones, put there by the dragon that he had fought only mere days ago. He was happy to get a moment where all that was expected of him was to recuperate.
And he was going to ruin it.
Perhaps he truly was like his father.
‘I just… uh...’ A part of him thought to stop, change the subject, and keep this happy peace between them, though it felt like nothing but a fabricated reality to Cid. But, alas, he could not take it anymore, could not let them -- let himself -- be lied to any longer.
As much as it hurt, this had to happen.
‘I don’t think I… belong in this relationship anymore.’
The sight of the heartbreak that crawled over Jarek and Urianger’s faces like a spider web made Cid flinch. He turned his gaze away, almost ashamedly, for he could not bear to see the hurt that he had caused.
‘But… but why ?’ Jarek’s voice was small, too small for the large presence that filled any room that he was in.
Urianger still, infuriatingly, said nothing. For a man so full of words as he, it was close to impossible to find something that truly rendered him speechless. In a cruel twist of irony, many people said that Cid’s work bordered on breaking apart the barriers of the impossible. Cid didn’t much like bringing his work home.
‘Because… I don’t want to stand in the way of your love anymore,’ he said, still not brave enough to meet their gaze.
‘ What ?’ Cid hated the way that he heard tears dampen Jarek’s voice. The poor man had lived a long life full of hurt feelings and wounded hearts. Often, he said that the little pocket of love and warmth that he had with Cid and Urianger was his haven, his safe place away from the deafening chaos that the life of a Warrior of Light entailed.
And here he was, ruining that, taking that away.
‘But thou art… a part of our love,’ Urianger said. Finally, finally , he spoke. ‘Thy meaning… fails to meet mine understanding.’
‘Well…’ Cid hesitated. It was all going wrong, he could feel it. ‘I’ve just been feeling… left out recently. I know you’ve tried, I know . But I don’t think it’s working. The two of you… well, I don’t think there’s any other word to describe your bond than soulmates . And how can I compete with that?’
‘It’s not about competing ,’ Jarek said, a panic beginning to flood his being. A panic that tore at his insides, that made him gasp for air and reach out for rescue. It was happening. He was losing a loved one. Because of his neglect . The one thing that filled him with fear and panic so potent it made his aether strike out with sharpened claws and rear its head like an enraged beast with its mouth full of drooling teeth.
‘It feels like it sometimes.’
Cid regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.
Those were the words that forged the cruellest part of the weapon that he was cutting them down with, that he used to sever their ties. He could see how it made them both crumble to their knees, hands clutching at the wounds that ripped open their chests.
The wounds that Cid had torn open.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, eyes screwed shut to blot out the image of two breaking men before him. ‘I’m so sorry. I know how hard you tried to include me, to make me loved. And I’m so very grateful for it, please never think otherwise. But… I can’t stand here and live a lie any longer. I’m hurting, and I know you are too.’
Jarek didn’t know what to do. He was torn. He wanted to smother Cid with his embrace and beg him to stay, promise to him that he would try harder, be better. But he also knew that it wouldn’t work, that they had done all they could and it was time to let go.
But could he truly just abandon Cid?
He and Cid had been through so much together, had been there for each other to lean when things got hard.
He had noticed a shift when Urianger joined their relationship. He had noticed how he gravitated towards the Elezen as if their very aether was reaching out and joining hands, as if it was by some higher power that they bonded as they had. Their love was passionate, unconditional, and so warm .
It was then that he noticed the fireplace seemed as if it were filled with ice.
He had thought Cid was okay. He knew it was different, that they didn’t get to spend much time with each other anymore, but he had never thought that it would drive Cid to the point of wanting to leave them.
He should have paid more attention.
He was responsible for this.
If he had looked a little closer , a little longer --
If he had asked --
If he hadn’t been so wrapped up in himself --
This wouldn’t be happening.
‘I’m sorry, Cid.’
It was all he could say. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.
This damage was irreversible.
‘It’s not your fault,’ Cid said.
Lies.
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Later, Cid left. Left the house. Left the keys. Left two men with hearts that lay broken in their chests.
But he took, too. He took the things that they had forgotten belonged to him, things that weren’t part of the house. Took his clothes. Took his tools. Took the scraps of metal that had found their way out of the workshop in the basement.
There were still things that were left, but they would be taken on return visits.
But for now, Jarek lay in bed.
It felt too big.
It was meant for three .
But now there were two.
Two people who had been so cruel and—
‘Jarek?’
‘Hey, Uri.’
The Elezen joined him in the too-big bed. It felt a little better suddenly. Urianger lay down, shifting closer to his Hrothgar and slipping into his embrace.
Together.
They would get through this together.
They didn’t talk. They didn’t need to. They lay there, clinging tightly to each other, feeling all their emotions, feeling all the guilt and taking the blame onto their shoulders. Knowing that the other was feeling the same way.
The empty spots on the shelves and in the wardrobe bore down on them, making their loneliness feel even greater, even darker, even deeper.
But they could be lonely together , at least.
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‘Jarek? Art thou well?’ the Urianger of the present asked him, looking up from the new deck of cards that he was shuffling in his hands.
‘Hm? Oh, yeah,’ the Jarek of the present said in return.
‘Truly?’
The cards were set down on the coffee table. The Elezen faced him, listening with all his being, all of his attention on Jarek. Ready to take in anything. Ready to hear anything that was on Jarek’s mind.
The Hrothgar smiled. They got through it together. And they always would.
‘What do you say to opening up Cid’s old workshop?’ he said, his gaze slipping from Urianger’s face and over to the door that had stayed locked since its owner had left.
‘Perhaps it would be a good idea,’ Urianger said, a hand on his chin in thought as his own golden gaze settled on the door. ‘Mayhap it would serve as the final healing process for us. Change the old into something new.’
‘A nursery, mayhap…’ Jarek murmured.
Urianger’s head snapped back around to face his fiancé. ‘ Pardon ?’ he breathed.
‘Ah. Uh— well…’ the Hrothgar stuttered. ‘Don’t worry about it, just an old man’s musings.’ He broke off with a light-hearted chuckle, his heart quaking in his chest.
What if he had done it again? What if he was about to lose another loved one? What if this was the final straw and he had scared Urianger away? What if it was too much?
‘Nay… I… I think a nursery would be… something for us to give thought to. I am certain that Cid would be overjoyed at the thought of his workshop being used thus,’ the Elezen said, his cheeks and ears tinted with pinks that would often paint the house as the sun rose.
‘You… you would want that? Kids? With me?’ Jarek said, breath shaky with nerves.
Urianger smiled at his beloved Hrothgar. One of those smiles. A smile that made Jarek’s heart skip a beat, made his chest feel tight, made him fall in love all over again. And, as happened so very often, the room felt a little bit warmer, a little bit brighter.
‘With no other, Ladybird,’ Urianger said. And it made the Hrothgar’s heart squeeze at the way it felt like a vow, like a promise.
Jarek’s cheeks became damp.
They had come such a long way.
And their journey was far from over.