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Harry’s heart thrummed in his chest, and his guts felt like they were being slowly, gradually Vanished inside out. It was dark in the common room, and the faint light coming from one of the girls dorms was the only way he could barely see how his hands trembled as he grasped his flannel to still them.
There was just the feeling of inevitable doom clouding his mind, and Harry’s throat felt as damp and dry as one would feel after crying for an hour straight in the broom closet where the dust followed his airways as he gasped for air. He was going to die. That was it. He was going to die, and Ron hated him. Merlin , his life was absolute shit right now, and even Hermione was off trying to temper Ron’s distrust.
And even worse was that Colin was no where to be found. He was there in the train, where they sat together, away from Ron and Hermione, and where Colin and he sat opposite to each other, and then not even ten minutes later, sat next to each other. Luna popped in a couple times, to ask them about any strange thing, and Neville joined them for a few twenty minutes to talk about Potions tips. And then Hermione came and talked about Draco, and then Harry didn’t see Colin until breakfast today, where he only caught a glimpse of his hair.
And now, Colin was probably asleep, not interested in dealing with whatever the hell Harry’s brain was making him feel. Colin didn’t need to deal with Harry right now. At least, Harry told himself that, trying to believe that he didn’t need Colin right now, when in fact, he craved one of his boyfriend’s knobby hugs.
Harry shivered, suddenly jolting out of his thoughts- though dread was eating away at his guts- and then a warm weight fell over his shoulders.
Harry’s gaze snapped into focus and at the person who hopped over the back of the couch to sit next to him.
“Hey, Harry,” Dean said, a slight smile on his face. “Can’t sleep?”
“Dean- hi. Er, yeah,” Harry laughed, a little emptily. “Can’t. Sleep.”
Dean hummed. The two boys stared at the dimly glowing light of a crystal orb Lavender Brown probably forgot, an awkward silence blooming.
“I didn’t put my name in the Goblet,” spilled out of Harry’s mouth. He absolutely did not need to say that, oh Merlin. Before he could backtrack, however, Dean spoke.
“I… believe you, Harry,” he sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t speak up earlier, I honestly didn’t know what to say.”
Oh. Erm. This was not what Harry was expecting. “That’s fine, I guess. Thank you for believing me.”
Dean shifted. “Erm. Yeah.”
Dean shifted, again.
“Do you want to say something else, or…?”
“I don’t think Ron is actually upset at you,” Dean said really quickly. “I think he’s angry that you did something without telling him, and that he doesn’t think you trust him anymore.”
Harry, kind of already knew. “Really?” he said. “Oh.”
Dean sighs. “God, I’m pretty sure you already knew that. Sorry."
“No it’s fine.” Was it? Well, Harry did feel less terrible and more… awkward right now. “I’ll probably stay down here for a while. Thank you for the blanket.”
Dean took the opportunity and left with a, “Night, Harry.”
Harry sighed. At least his guts didn’t feel like a void now. Before he could sleep, though, a sharp snag pulled from the scar, like it was being snatched from the inside of his skull, reviving the terror from the nightmare he got in the summer. Harry groaned.
Being deprived of his sleep was the last straw, it seemed, and all of a sudden, hot tears spilled from Harry’s eyes. For a moment, he felt complete and utter hatred for his destiny, for everything, for losing his parents, for the Dursleys, for the damn tournament, at himself for most likely hurting Colin, because isn’t that what he’s doing? He’s just hurting everyone at this point, and even Ron doesn’t trust him anymore, and Hermione had to choose between Harry and Ron-
And the tears kept on coming, no matter how many times he told himself that he was fine.
“Harry, please wake up.”
Harry inhaled sharply, and exhaled out, “Colin?”
“Harry,” Colin’s voice dragged out. “Wake up, it’s four, and people are gonna start getting up soon.” A gentle hand shook Harry’s shoulder, gently, and Harry blinked his eyes open, sleepily.
“Colin,” Harry said. He moved to a sitting position, his legs almost numb. “Colin,” he whispered this time. Colin looked at him, eyes big and nervous, and a little sparkly. “Colin,” he said, a wobble in his voice.
“Oh, Harry,” Colin murmured, in his quiet, quiet voice. And then, Harry sniffled, and Colin pulled Harry into a hug by his shoulders, hands cradling the back of his head and neck, and Harry sniffled again, before wrapping his arms around Colin’s waist.
“Colin, please don’t hate me, I’m sorry,” Harry sniffed into Colin’s soft jumper. “I’m sorry, sorry, ‘m sorry-”
“Hush, Harry, you’re apologizing for no reason,” Colin gently reprimanded. “I don’t hate you, did you forget? I like you, so much.”
And Harry continued sniffling into Colin’s jumper, beyond which lay the incredible warmth of his- boyfriend. Who didn’t hate him. God, why did he even say that, obviously Colin didn’t hate him, oh god. Oh Merlin, Harry was a wreck.
“Oh, Harry,” Colin said again, and gently grabbed Harry’s face, thumbing his tears off. “Let’s go upstairs, ok?”
Harry did not want to go upstairs. Upstairs meant Ron, and Dean, and Seamus, and, and, Neville, who was nice, but terribly awkward and more Ron’s friend than Harry’s, anyways. But, Harry wanted his bed just a little more than he didn’t want to interact with his roommates, so.
He got up, locking his fingers around Colin’s. His cheeks warmed as an afterthought, and Colin apparently saw, because-
Hn!
Because Colin pressed a kiss onto his cheek, and it felt not unlike a dewy flower petal falling onto his face.
And Harry wasn’t going to lie to himself right then, as that kiss made him feel marginally better than, than.
Than last night, when he had a panic… attack? Well, he wouldn’t know. It was awful, and Harry didn’t want to feel that sad. Ever again.
“Colin,” Harry said, again. “I.” Harry could say it. He wanted to so, he should say it. It’s not like Colin’s going to hate him or anything. “I felt really sad last night,” he said, his voice quieter. “And I. Erm. Cried.”
Colin stopped walking. And gave Harry another, bigger hug, which was really just, almost exactly what Harry needed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” Colin whispered, this time his voice coming from under Harry. “Can you forgive me?”
Harry frowned. “Forgive you for what?” he asked, pivoting the hug so that he was leaning against the wall. “Colin it wasn’t your fault, I was just sad.”
Colin huffed against Harry’s loose shirt. “Forgive me for not talking to you much. I forgot to be with you, and I think we were both upset by that.”
Wait. Both?
“What’s been up with you?” Harry asked. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but… I haven’t seen you in a while, are you okay?”
Colin looked up and pulled a hand up to push at Harry’s lips. “Stop frowning, I’m- I was doing fine. Just. Just been in detention for Defense, that’s all. And also, well, chorus practice.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, Parvati’s club form got accepted, and we’ve got 30 members, mostly sixth years who..., sixth years and a few first through third years.”
“No, I was ‘oh’-ing about detention. What-”
Colin pressed his lips together. “I dunno, I didn’t think Moody of all people was homophobic, but-”
“Homophobic- what are you getting in detention for?” Harry huffed. “For being my boyfriend?”
“Erm, I don’t think so?” Colin looked like he regretted speaking. “Almost every time I mention you to Luna, he finds something about me to put me in deten… sion… Harry. Harry! Where are you going?”
“To satisfy the jinx earlier,” Harry huffs, anger brewing in his mind.
“Jinx?” Colin said, confused. Then his eyes widened as his lips formed the words: “The Defense position jinx!” “ Harry! Stop! Right. Now! ” he whisper-shouted.
Harry stopped. His brows furrowed, and his lips pressed into a frown. “But Coli-”
“ Hush !” Colin whispered, his voice loud as his mouth was close to Harry’s. “ Four in the morning, Harry !”
Colin. Was being distracting. On purpose. “Oh,” Harry said. “I see what you’re doing.”
Colin smiled, suddenly, shyly, faintly. “Do you?”
“But, Colin, Moody can’t be an arse to you-”
“Like Snape isn’t to you?” Colin said. And rolled his eyes. (The audacity! Harry quietly preened.) “Harry, I’ll talk to McGonagall tomorrow, okay?”
Harry did not pout.
“I will! Promise!”
Harry sighed.
And then.
“Can I, kiss you?”
“Oh, Harry.”
Harry couldn’t say he didn’t feel better after being around Colin. Colin, who… liked him! A small part of Harry squirmed whenever he thought that to himself. (Colin, liked him! And kissed, him! And hugged him!)
But he knew that the tournament was going to make him feel… more. A lot more emotions. At least with Colin with him, for sure, he felt a little more confident at being. Able to do the tournament.