Chapter Text
“If you’re going to sit at the counter, can you at least look happy about it? You’re scaring the actual customers.”
Sakurayashiki Kaoru vaguely registers his childhood friend, and current pain in his ass, speaking to him from across the counter, but his eyes don’t leave the spot they’ve been trained on for the last ten minutes.
“I am an actual customer,” Kaoru says, two fingers worrying the tiny spot of healed over skin where his lip piercing used to be. He’s had a wine or two too many, just enough that his eyes feel heavy, and his body feels warm all over. He likes this feeling, this warm one. This warm feeling where he doesn’t feel like the world is about to fall apart all around him.
Kojiro snorts from behind the counter, wiping it down with a tea towel, and throwing it over his shoulder. “I don’t think you’ve paid for a meal here in over two years.”
Kaoru rolls his eyes without looking at the other man. “Surely having to endure being in your presence is payment enough,” he says, tapping the side of his empty wine glass with his finger, silently, and perhaps ill-advisedly instructing Kojiro to refill it.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Kojiro asks, planting his hands firmly on the counter, and leaning into Kaoru’s space, so close that Kaoru can feel his hot breath against his cheek. It makes his head spin for a moment. He would never admit it, but maybe Kojiro was right and he had had enough wine.
Not like that had ever stopped him before.
“Pfft, who are you my moth-“
Kaoru’s words are cut off as a large, warm hand grips him firmly under the chin and pulls his face forward. He tries to focus on the face in front of him, the concerned red eyes staring intently back at him.
So close.
He doesn’t like this feeling. This feeling where it feels like all of his weaknesses are going to be laid to bare on the counter between them. He tries his best to squirm out of the other’s hold, but Kojiro holds his face steady.
“What the hell has gotten into you tonight?” Kojiro asks, that hot breath fanning over his face again, making his head swim.
Kaoru wants to run. He doesn’t like this feeling at all. He feels exposed. Like Kojiro could merely blow on him, and all the years of work he’d put into building walls and defences would come crumbling down around him. He had created an ivory tower to reside in, guarded by a dragon of his own design. And he liked it that way.
He didn’t get hurt that way.
But, he’d be lying if he hadn’t been thinking lately. Thinking that if a brave, strong knight decided to stage a rescue operation and slay the dragon, and carry him out of the tower, well…
That wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
Kaoru steels himself, suddenly feeling incredibly sober. He looks Kojiro directly in the eye, as he grips the hand holding his chin, pulling himself free.
“Nothing has gotten into me. I was just thinking.”
“So that’s what that sound was.”
“Shut up you primate,” Kaoru says, slapping Kojiro lightly on the cheek with his fan.
Kojiro backs away from the counter, crossing his arms over his broad chest, and raising an eyebrow back at him. “You want to tell me what that has to do with the couple in the corner booth?”
Damn.
Kaoru doesn’t answer.
Kojiro doesn’t relent. “You know, the couple you’ve basically been burning a hole in with your eyes for the last ten minutes?”
Damn, damn, damn.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kaoru deflects, opening his fan in front of his face to hide. Kojiro was getting dangerously close to seeing behind his defences.
“Uh-uh,” Kojiro says, gently tugging the fan away from his face. “You think you can hide from me in my own restaurant? Nice try Pinky.” Kojiro flips the fan in his hand and starts fanning himself, flashing Kaoru a dazzling grin that nearly sends him tumbling off his stool.
Or maybe it was just the wine again.
Speaking of…
“Fill up my glass like a good little monkey and maybe I’ll tell you,” Kaoru says back with his own grin, his lips quirked up to one side. He thinks he sees Kojiro falter for a moment, but the other man quickly tosses the fan back to him, and reaches under the counter to produce the bottle of chardonnay Kaoru has been indulging in all evening. And, an extra glass.
“Drinking on the job?” Kaoru jests, his eyebrows raising slightly as Kojiro pours them both a glass of the yellow liquid.
Kojiro chuckles softly, screwing the lid back on to the bottle. “Part of me feels like I need to be buzzed to hear this,” he says, taking a long sip from his glass, gaze never leaving Kaoru’s face. Kaoru picks up his glass and does the same.
Kaoru sneaks another quick glance at the couple in the corner booth. The couple he hasn’t been able to take his eyes off all night.
It’s not like he meant to stare. He prides himself on being a polite, respectful person in all aspects of his life (with the exception of when he’s around the imbecile standing opposite him). But he couldn’t help but be pulled in by them. The way he pushed her hair behind her ear. The way she squeezed his hand when she laughed. The way he cupped her jaw as he kissed her.
“Earth to Kaoru.”
“I think I want that,” Kaoru says quietly, on instinct. So quietly he’s not even sure if he even said the words aloud.
“What?”
The deep voice pulls him back to reality, grounding him. He turns back to face his friend, who is looking back at him with a clear confusion across his face.
Kaoru feels blood immediately rush to his cheeks. He’s already said too much. Can feel the cracks in the walls beginning to form. It’s too much, and his eyes fall to the half empty glass in front of him.
“That. Dating. A relationship,” he starts, flicking his eyes up ever so briefly to meet Kojiro’s, before he finishes with, “Love.”
Silence settles between them, and Kaoru doesn’t take his eyes off the glass in front of him.
Still Kojiro says nothing, and Kaoru suddenly realizes his heart is beating so hard that it feels like it’s going to burst out of his chest.
The silence bears down on him, growing heavier, and heavier, until he can’t stand it anymore.
“Whatever. It’s not a big deal,” he grumbles finally, risking a glance up at the other man.
What Kaoru expects to see is Kojiro holding a hand over his mouth, trying to hold back the inevitable explosion of laughter at Kaoru’s vulnerable confession.
“You? You heartless robo-maniac want to date? And be in a relationship? Be in love? Oh god, Kaoru, you crack me up. That was a good one.”
Instead, what he’s met with is a soft gaze. Something between fondness and concern. Kaoru can’t quite tell.
“What?’ Kaoru says, looking at Kojiro above the lenses of his silver-framed glasses as he takes another sip of his wine.
Kojiro seems to snap back to reality, shaking his head slightly. “No, it’s just….”
“What? Spit it out you filthy ape.” If Kaoru was about to get tormented he’d rather just get it over and done with.
Kojiro takes another sip of his wine and sighs, stepping back towards the counter. “It’s just…. You haven’t shown interest in dating anyone since-”
“Don’t,” Kaoru interrupts, knowing, but not wanting to hear the name of his first love. Hearing it would just be another crack in the already crumbling wall tonight. “I know. But after what happened at S-”
Kaoru’s mind floats back to that night. Where he’d finally had a chance to skate against him – Adam – again. To show him exactly what he had left behind all of those years ago.
To Adam dismounting his board, and swinging it without abandon at Kaoru, as he raced towards him.
To lying on the cold ground, hurting all over, as Adam called him ‘boring’.
To large warm hands sliding under his body, lifting him effortlessly into the back of Shadow’s car.
He knows.
“I think it’s about time I moved on. Don’t you?”
Kojiro’s expression is still hard to read. Still soft, still concerned, still confused. Kaoru doesn’t like it.
“It’s finally happened hasn’t it? You’ve completely regressed into your primal state. Is that why you’re struggling so much with the Japanese language this evening?” he says, downing the remainder of his wine and slamming his empty glass back down on the table.
That seems to pull Kojiro out of whatever internal conflict he was experiencing. Maybe the effort it took to not completely roast Kaoru to a crisp was limiting all of his other lingual systems.
His usual grin returns to his face as he leans his elbows down on the counter, flicking Kaoru playfully on the forehead. “Well what do you know,” he says, giving him a cheeky wink. “Our little Kaoru’s ready to have his Cherry popped.” Kojiro pushes back from the counter and heads back towards the kitchen.
Kaoru scoffs and rolls his eyes. This is exactly why he doesn’t talk to Kojiro about these things.
“Ugh, do you have to be so vulgar all the time? And anyway, you know my Cherry is far from intact -”
Kaoru thinks he sees Kojiro flinch for a moment, but he waves his hand dismissively saying, “I know, I know,” as he quickly ducks into the kitchen, returning a moment later with his phone. “I meant your ‘dating’ Cherry or whatever, it was meant to be metaphor, give me a break.”
“I don’t think you fully understand the concept of what a metaphor is.”
“I said give me a break already.”
Kojiro seems preoccupied with his phone all of a sudden, leaning back behind the counter as he scrolls through, seemingly searching for something.
“What are you doing?” Kaoru asks, rising from his stool and leaning across the counter in an attempt to see the screen of the other man’s phone. The larger man is too quick however, and holds it out of his reach, continuing to flick until he finds the application he was looking for.
“I’m trying to help,” he says, turning the phone screen towards Kaoru, pointing towards the icon with a little heart behind a magnifying glass.
Kaoru drops back into his seat, eyes shifting sceptically between his friend and the screen. “Am I supposed to know what that is?”
Kojiro chuckles and shakes his head, leaning his elbows back on the counter, invading Kaoru’s space once again. “You really have been out of the game for too long, haven’t you four-eyes?” When Kaoru doesn’t dignify that with an answer, the other man’s expression softens and he continues. “This is ‘Finder’, it’s a dating app.”
A dating - what?
“Why are you looking at me like I just spoke to you in another language?”
Oh no. Had he really been out of the game that long?
“Kaoru please tell me you know what a dating app is.”
He could feel the heat of embarrassment beginning to rise in his cheeks. It’s not like he had been living under a rock or anything. He just hadn’t really been interested in anything to do with dating for years.
“You, mister forefront of AI and technology are telling me that you don’t know what this is.”
Here it comes, he thinks to himself, the laughter, the mocking, the pity.
He feels the edges of his vision begin to darken a little, his breath coming short and shallow.
Not now. Please not now.
I’m pathetic.
A loser.
A joke.
“No wonder you haven’t been on a date in years! You’re so clueless you probably wouldn’t know someone was interested in you if they were standing right in front of your face.”
Just as Kaoru thinks his vision is about to black out completely, he feels two large hands gripping onto his forearms, pulling him back to the light. The first things he sees as his vision returns are his hands, screwed into fists so tight the skin has gone white, which is impressive given Kaoru’s already pale complexion. Then he sees the darker hands, holding him firmly, the thumbs smoothing little circles over the navy blue of his yukata sleeves.
“Hey, Kaoru, are you with me?”
This isn’t the first time Kaoru has had a panic attack in front of Kojiro. In fact years ago, in the months after Adam had first broken his heart, Kaoru would experience panic attacks every few days. Anything could set him off. Someone mentioning his name in passing. Someone passing by on a skateboard. Hell, even seeing another person with that particular shade of blue hair would send him down a spiral.
It wasn’t long until Kojiro picked up on what was happening. The little red flags that meant an attack was coming; the clenched fists, the sweaty forehead, the shortness of breath. But like any teenage boy he had no idea what to do to help at first.
“SHOULD I CALL AN AMBULANCE?”
“PLEASE DON’T CALL AN AMBULANCE!”
It was maybe the third time that it had happened that Kojiro had sat down in front of him and talked him through a breathing exercise to calm him down. The seventh time he’d asked him to point out five things in the room that he could see, four things he could touch, three things he could hear, two things he could smell and one thing he could taste. The twelfth time he’d told him to contract his muscles and release them one at a time until his body was completely relaxed.
And it worked, every time. Slowly his breathing would return to normal, his heart beat would slow down, his vision would cease to blur around the edges. Then, when he was almost completely out of the woods, Kojiro would place two firm hands on his forearms, and say softly, “Hey, Kaoru, are you with me?”
And he would wait, wait until Kaoru could finally lift his eyes to meet his own, smile and say –
“There you are.”
Kaoru was suddenly back in Sia la Luce. He could feel the stool underneath him supporting his weight, hear the other customers chattering away mindlessly at their tables, smell the rich aroma of tomato and basil wafting out from the kitchen, and taste the lingering wine on his tongue.
Kojiro was looking at him with big soft eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Kaoru finally manages to whisper.
“Don’t apologize.”
“Did anyone notice?”
“No. Don’t worry.”
And then there was always this. The moment afterwards, where Kaoru was laid completely bare. The few moments before he had a chance to throw his walls back up. Where Kojiro could see all of his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. He hated it.
Almost like flipping a switch, he pulls his arms out of the other man’s hold, looking away as he tries to steel himself.
“Who said I was worried?”
Out of the corner of his eye Kaoru sees Kojiro drop his head and shake it, hands still firmly planted on the counter. Without looking up he drops down, returning with a large clean glass which he fills to the brim with water, pushing it towards Kaoru.
“And this is what I get for trying to help,” he says, although he doesn’t look mad. Defeated maybe, but not mad. “Drink that.”
“Who said I wanted your help?”
Kojiro sighs, collecting the two empty wine glasses and placing them in the sink behind the counter. “I just thought you might want some advice from someone who has actual experience with dating.”
“Well that counts you out then.”
“Hey, I date.”
Kaoru scoffs at the other man. “I think you need to see someone more than once for it to count as dating. I’m not sure your endless parade of one-night-stands fits the criteria.” He picks up the glass in front of him, suddenly aware of how incredibly dehydrated he is, and takes a long sip.
Kojiro turns back to him, a hand mockingly placed over his heart. “You wound me.”
“You exhaust me,” Kaoru says, taking another sip.
“You love me.”
The shock of hearing those words almost causes Kaoru to choke on his water, but other man just laughs, pulling the tea towel off his shoulder to mop up the small amount of water that had spilled as a result. Then he plants his hands on the counter again, and says “Look. When you get home, just download the app and set up a profile. It’ll ask you a bunch of questions about what you’re looking for. And maybe you’ll find the one. Or maybe you won’t. What have you got to lose?”
Kaoru thinks he sees a tinge of sadness in Kojiro’s eyes before he throws the tea towel back over his shoulder, and disappears into the kitchen.
What did he have to lose?
------------------
In the two hours he had been back at his house, Kaoru had asked Carla to download ‘Finder’ six (or was it seven?) times, each time requesting she cancel the download before it reached 100%.
Which was stupid, really. It was just a piece of technology, and he understood technology better than most people.
So why was he so terrified?
“Carla, download ‘Finder’,” he orders, as he lays back down on his futon, one hand pressed over his eyes.
Kaoru is sure that if Carla had eyes she would be rolling them at him. “Yes master, commencing download.”
What did he have to lose, right?
All of a sudden, the memory of a boy with blue hair flashes before him.
“Download progress at 25%,” Carla chimes.
He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of the image. But the boy with the blue hair is still there, staring down at him and laughing as he clutches at his chest, begging him not to leave. Kaoru can feel his chest grow tight at the memory.
“Download progress at 50%.
The memory warps, and the boy is now a man, staring down at him again, but this time Kaoru can’t beg, can’t move. He is helpless and broken on the ground. And he’s scared. Kaoru touches his face gingerly, the phantom ache prickling at his skin.
“Download progress at 75%.
That’s right. He remembers now. He has absolutely everything to lose.
He shoots up from his place on the futon, reaching an arm desperately towards Carla. “Carla, cancel down-“
“Download completed. Opening application. Would you like me to set up a profile?”
Kaoru stares at Carla, eyes wide. A few seconds pass before he realizes he’s stopped breathing. Before he lets himself panic, he closes his eyes, inhales for four counts, holds the breath for seven seconds, and lets it out on a long exhale (another technique Kojiro had taught him to calm himself down).
He can do this.
“Yes, thank you Carla.”
Carla makes a whirring noise, and suddenly a blank profile is projected onto the wall of Kaoru’s bedroom. There are bunch of empty fields, like name, and age, and ‘interested in’. There’s also a blank space left for a photo. A thought occurs to him, and his brow furrows, his teeth nipping out to worry at his bottom lip.
Kaoru has quite a high profile, both in his professional life, and at ‘S’. And while he doesn’t want to purposefully deceive anyone, he also doesn’t think it would be such a good idea to use his real name, or even his ‘S’ persona on his profile. The last thing he wants is someone to match with him just because of his fame. God forbid some crazy fan finds him.
So he would just have to think of something else. Something that was still him though.
“Carla, set the name on my profile to Kōetsu please,” choosing the name of his favorite calligrapher to adopt as his newest persona, “and open my photo gallery.”
The image projected on the wall flickers and is replaced by Kaoru’s photo gallery. The most recent photo catches his attention, taken a few weeks ago at Sia la Luce. Six smiling faces seated around a table, plates of empty food around them, and half-full glasses of wine (for the adults only, of course) scattered across the wooden surface. It brings a warm smile to Kaoru’s face, seeing the four new friends (and one old friend) that had become something like family to him over the last few months.
Before he can get too sentimental, he asks Carla to filter the photos to show only those of him alone. And while there are plenty to choose from, he’s far too recognizable in most, most of them showcasing his long, sakura-colored hair.
Hmm.
He gives up scrolling and rises to his feet, padding across his room to his closet. He would just need to take a new photo, in something a little less him. Kaoru pushes hanger after hanger down the rack, but his yukatas are so distinctive he doesn’t feel as though they’d do a great job of concealing his identity. His eyes eventually drop to the floor of the closet, where he spots an unfamiliar hint of dark green fabric.
When he picks it up, he immediately recognizes the smell.
Kojiro.
Unravelling the oversized hoodie in front of him, he remembers the night he had snuck out of the hospital after his beef with Adam and into Sia la Luce. He remembers waking up somewhere else hours later, on an unfamiliar bed, alone, this hoodie zipped up around him. Even then he recognized the smell of Kojiro’s cologne; the gorilla always insisted on wearing so much of the stuff that you could smell him coming from across the room.
“You we’re shivering. Thought that might warm you up,” Kojiro had said softly from the armchair across the room.
Kaoru’s heart aches a little at the memory, and he brings the hoodie close to his face and inhales, long and deep. As much as they fought and bickered, he knows how lucky he is to have a friend that cares about him as much as Kojiro does.
Slowly he slips out of the sleeves of his navy yukata and lets it drop to the floor, sliding his arms into the long sleeves of the hoodie, zipping it up, stopping half way. He sits on the edge of his futon, tucking his long pink hair into the hood as he pulls it down over his head, so large that it obscures the top half of his face. It’s dark in his bedroom, but the moon is filtering through the window providing just enough light to illuminate the bottom half of his face when he turns towards it.
“Carla, can you take a photo.”
“Yes, master.”
The soft sound of shutter echoes through the empty room, and when Kaoru turns back to face the wall he sees Carla has already updated his profile with the new photo. He slaps a hand over his mouth, muffling the surprised sound that tries to escape him when he sees it.
He hadn’t meant for it to look so… sexy? Not that Kaoru believes he is unattractive; he takes great pride in maintaining a certain appearance. But the way the moon illuminates the pale skin of his neck and chest, the way his lips are slightly parted as if he’s letting out a needful sigh…
Well, if he’s going to do this he may as well go all in.
“Okay Carla, what else do I need to do?”
Over the next few minutes Carla asks him question after question, populating his profile with his likes and dislikes, wants and doesn’t wants, deal-makers and deal-breakers.
“Interested in?”
Easy question. “Men.”
“Age range?”
Hmm, trickier. “I don’t want someone too different in age to me. No younger than me by a year, no older than me by five years.” He did consider himself more mature for his age.
“Height?”
“Uh, taller,” he says out of instinct, not sure why.
“Hair color?”
“No preference,” then, a moment later, “Not blue.”
“Wants a family?”
Kaoru sputters. How had they gone from questions about age and height to whether or not he wanted children?
“Um… undecided, I suppose? Can I say that?”
“Preferred astrological sign?”
“Seriously? How is that relevant?” Kaoru glances at the clock next to his futon, groaning when he sees the time is 11:47pm. “Carla how many more of these questions are there?”
“Forty-three, master”.
“FORTY-”
Still wrapped in Kojiro’s hoodie, he falls back onto the futon, throwing his arms over his face. He can feel the exhaustion setting in, and all he wants to do is go to sleep and forget he ever thought taking the other man’s advice was a good idea. “Carla, you know everything about me,” he starts to say, his words trailing off into a yawn. “Can’t you just answer these questions for me based on what you think is best for me?”
There’s a long pause as Carla whirrs to his side.
“Carla?”
“Yes,” she responds finally, “Yes master, I can do that.”
Kaoru hums as he curls himself further into his friend’s hoodie, the lingering smell of his cologne soothing him towards sleep. “Thank you Carla. When I wake up you better have found me my future husband,” he mumbles, and finally let’s himself drift to sleep.
------------------
It’s past midnight when Kojiro finally makes it home from the restaurant. He’s strung out, and not just because Fridays are usually the busiest night at Sia la Luce. But because he can’t stop thinking about what happened with Kaoru.
He makes a strangled noise as he flops down on his couch and runs his hands over his face, through his hair, tugging painfully at the green strands.
“AHHHHHH.”
How stupid was he? His best friend, who he has been in love with for years, tells him he wants to start dating, and what does he do? Tells him to download a freaking dating app?! Why on earth would he do a stupid thing like that?
Because he’s a coward, that’s why.
He groans louder as that realization washes over him. He’d waited silently for years, waited for Kaoru to finally get over Adam, and see just what he had standing right in front of him.
So tonight when Kaoru had told him that he wanted to date, had wanted to find love well, instead of confessing that he had loved him from the first moment he saw him and still did, instead of telling him that he wanted to be with him and be the one to make him happy every day for the rest of his life –
He choked.
Kojiro sat on the couch for a long time, staring into the dark of his living room. Maybe this was for the best. Kaoru deserved someone better than a coward like him.
Just as he decided that he had sulked for long enough, his phone screen illuminated from beside him on the couch with a new notification.
Finder:
Someone is interested in you. Match with them now <3
Kojiro snorts as he picks up his phone, the irony of receiving this notification at this exact moment not lost on him. There was no point in dwelling on what he couldn’t have, and no harm in looking for a distraction elsewhere. He swipes to open the app, his breath hitching slightly when he sees the profile photo of his new find.
Most of the man’s face is obscured by what looks like a large hoodie (Kojiro swears he used to have one like that, where had he left it?). It doesn’t matter that he can’t see his eyes though, because his own eyes are immediately drawn to the man’s soft pink lips, and long slender neck. The sight is intoxicating, and he’s never wanted to put his mouth on someone else’s skin so badly so quickly before (well, with the exception of one person).
He eventually manages to draw his eyes away from the photo down to the man’s name, his thumb hovering over the button at the bottom of the screen:
Match with Kōetsu?
The corners of his lips quirk up as he clicks ‘yes’.
What a find.