Chapter Text
~~1 month post-hot dog
I opened my eyes. Sunlight streams through the window making everything golden. Dust mites float before my eyes. I feel like shit.
My eyes are crusty, my heart is heavy, the smell of sweat and hopelessness overwhelms me. I wonder how long its been. I wonder if it matters.
I don't even have the strength to make the same arguments with God. I should have died. Why did I survive? The boys were so full of life, talent, they made people happy no matter where they were.
I was the loser that tagged along.
The leftover
The talent-less
The shadow to their light, lost without its source.
I wished I was dead. That I could trade my life for theirs.
~~6 months post therapy
I picked up my pen and tried to write.
I'm not a song writer like Luke, but I keep trying.
Every day I try and just string words together and put them on a page. I stop caring about if its good, I just want to make it sincere.
How do I talk about the agent that showed up holding a sunset curve demo? How I shut the door and he kept calling back.
Dad thought it was a good deal, he said the contract was solid. Why did signing it feel like a betrayal? We were supposed to make it together.
Mom says at least their music will live on if I play it.
I signed it for them.
~~*~~
Don't blink
No, I don't want to miss it
One thing, and it’s back to the beginning
'Cause everything is rushing in fast
Keep going on, never look back
Nothing I write is good enough. He keeps asking for more songs like the demo and I tell him it wasn't me.
Luke was our song writer. Luke's dead. My music was just a playback sound that was silenced at his grave. It died with him.
He said the contract demands 10 new songs. I showed him Luke's book. The glint in his eyes makes me uneasy, but its too late, he's greedily flipping through the book making notes in its margins. I feel violated and dirty. I try to pull it back, but he grabs it and rushes out.
And it's one, two, three, four times
That I'll try for one more night
Light a fire in my eyes
I'm going out of my mind
He comes back a week later. He has a list of Luke's songs. He says I'm the only one who can sing them, I knew how they were written. Without me singing them, Luke's music will die with him.
He sounds so sincere, but I feel uneasy.
I'm so confused, who do I talk to? Who do I ask?
I agree on one condition. Sunset curve's name is on the cover, the boys are all featured and credited. He agrees. We shake on it.
I'll sing. I'll do it for them.
Whatever happens, even if I'm the last standing
I'ma stand tall, I'ma stand tall Whatever happens, even when everything's down
I'ma stand tall, I'ma stand tall I gotta keep on dreaming
'Cause I gotta catch that feeling
Whatever happens, even if I'm the last standing
I'ma stand tall, I'ma stand tall
I don't know how we used to do it.
Its so difficult, taking Luke's messy scrawl and turning it into magic. Everything sounds hollow and empty.
It used to be so easy. Reggie would be playing on his guitar, Alex added a little beat, Luke rushing in with a paper and we'd all laugh taking turns trying to read the indecipherable mess. We'd turn that mess into a number, then another, then another.
Not for the first time I wish it was someone else. Luke would know what to do no problem, Alex was a whiz on the drums, he could make a beat for anything. Reggie was just insanely creative and took risks like nobody's business.
I was the least talented. How will I make them proud?
I pick up my pen again. Just gotta keep at it.
~~*~~
Right now, I'm loving every minute
Hands down, can't let myself forgеt it, no
'Cause everything is rushing in fast
Keep holding on, nеver look back
I'm finally happy. Its starting to finally come together. Singing the songs we wrote, teaching the melody to the team, it's the closest I've felt to the band in a year.
The drummer isn't Alex, but she adds a certain flair to the song. She misses the raw power and vulnerability in Alex's drumming, but still makes it her own.
And the bassist doesn't flick his hair and jump up and down with joyous energy, but he wants to make it work. He really wants to honour Reggie's sound.
Some songs are harder than others. Especially the one's we didn't finish. I have to sit and puzzle through entire conversations in my head. How would Alex pick up the beat? Would Luke stretch this note or belt it powerfully? I try to really pull their souls into the songs. This is my ode to them. I'm all that's left of Sunset Curve, but I won't let them down.
And it’s one, two, three, four times
That I'll try for one more night
Light a fire in my eyes
I'm going out of my mind
Betrayal.
Pain.
Anger.
I yell and trash Caleb's office. I can't believe he did that.
He calmly sits at his desk, hands folded, glint in his eye, smirk lifting his lips just a tinge.
"You promised. We shook on it!"
"First rule of show biz boy. Get it in writing." He tapped on the contract with my signature. I was utterly defeated. The album lay by my feet, mocking me. Trevor Wilson emblazoned on the cover, no mention of Sunset Curve anywhere.
"I'll go to the press. I'll tell them during interviews, you can't keep me quiet. It doesn't matter what the album says, I can fix it."
"Ah ah ah" he tutted. His long fingers tapped the contract again.
"I've been in this business longer than you have son. You cannot publicize anything about the album without my approval. One whisper, one rumour, and I will sue your entire world away. And don't think I won't. You aren't the first nobody I've picked up off the streets and threw back. I always win. Be thankful, I've made you a star. Most people dream of this their whole life ."
I shake my head, blinking to stop tears. I won't be weak.
"But why? What difference did it make? They deserve the credit, it was their songs!"
"Understand the reality son. I cannot sell an album of ghosts. There's no future in that. If I put the band on the cover, we'd never sell a single copy. Now be a good boy and keep your mouth shut."
All I could do was watch the money drop in. I refused to do interviews until Caleb shook his contract at me again. I tried to stay out of the limelight.
Therapy has a limit. the guilt ate at me day and night. I stopped sleeping. My doctor finally started me on pills. Then I kept sleeping.
I started an anonymous blog. I kept shovelling the truth out, pretending to be an anti. I posted an article about Sunset Curve, how they died. I almost started a fringe movement to bring Sunset Curve back and boycott Trevor Wilson. Caleb got wind of it, but could never prove it was me. I was safe but the movement dissipated, websites getting reported, posts being removed.
My depression hit an all new low. I spent most of my time in bed. Until one day the door rang and Rose came into my life.
~~*~~
Whatever happens, even if I'm the last standing
I'ma stand tall, I'ma stand tall
Whatever happens, even when everything's down
I'ma stand tall, I'ma stand tall
I gotta keep on dreaming, 'cause I gotta catch that feeling
Whatever happens, even if I'm the last standing
I'ma stand tall, I'ma stand tall
She was yelling. I couldn't register what she was saying for a while, I'd been out of it for so long. Eventually I pushed through the fog and heard what she was shouting,
"...Thought you were decent, I can't believe you are just a thieving asswipe, you absolute trash! I have the damn demo, I know you didn't write those songs yourself, don't you have a shred of decency?"
I started crying. And suddenly I couldn't stop. I felt like the world was crushing me. I tried so hard but I just didn't know how to keep going. Rose was right, I should have found a better way, I shouldn't have given up. The room grows heavy with silence, punctuated by ugly, gasping sobs and I realize Rose had stopped yelling. I feel her sink down beside me and wrap me in a hug, stroking my back, making shushing noises.
Eventually Rose pulls the story out of me. She calls her boyfriend who roomed with a law student who looked at the contract. He tried to logic out of it from every angle, but it was airtight. I couldn't get out of it without my family losing everything. I didn't even own my own songs, the firm did. I couldn't do anything.
Except nothing.
Caleb came back demanding another 10 songs. I said no. He tried to hit me with another contract, I sidestepped him. I finally found the limit of his power, he couldn't force me to make more songs.
I stopped releasing music. I know what's going to happen to them now, it's like their soul was ripped out. They called me a one hit wonder, I didn't care. I know the truth-- I'm a zero hit wonder.
Rose helped me finish this one though. We put our heads together and I finally put into words that resilience the boys inspired me to.
I give the song to Rose. the one who saved me from the dark.
Like I'm glowing in the dark
I keep on going when it's all falling apart
Yeah, I know with all my heart
Ooh, ooh
Never look back
~~2020, The Orpheum
I don't understand. Ever since I saw the video I am in a trance. It's impossible. My mind is playing tricks on me, I am finally going crazy.
I wonder if I should restart my anti-depressants. Can you take anti-depressants if you're hallucinating?
I book two tickets, half dazed. I drag Carrie along with me, not bothering to understand her latest drama with Julie.
I see Julie on the stage, my heart catches in my throat. I hadn't seen her since Rose died, hadn't realized how alike they looked. She starts to speak and the shadow in her eyes looks so familiar. I try to place where I saw pain and resilience battling that way before but I am drawing a blank.
The intro sounds familiar but strange. I can swear I've heard that melody before but it's different now. I'm trying to remember where I've heard it before.
She starts to sing and it feels like Rose came back to life.
Don't blink
No, I don't want to miss it
One thing, and it’s back to the beginning
My heart stops.