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The King's Kitchen

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There were carrots falling from above.

How long had it been?

Been since what? Since he’d eaten carrots? Some of the falling ones were even a bright yellow, sort of like the golden color of those that had gotten him here… though, they were delicious, and here wasn’t so bad, was it?

He had his own built-in kitchen, with almost everything he could need. All he needed now was the Captain.

The Captain had to stay.

Yes, he needed to keep the Captain and keep him safe and keep him here, the… the… something said so. The glitter.

And wait… the carrots had onions with them! Wait, no, the Onions were above ground, these were… the Captain! And another, a not-Captain/not-onion that glowed with his blue light, a… potato? Yes, the carrots and potato could be cooked to perfection, and the Captain would stay.

His head was murky, had been since after the… fortress?


Castle! The Submerged Castle!

While the Captain had taken something to the ship, he’d found some of the water left behind, and taken it for research. A whole planet full of new creatures, and he was going to discover how to cook them all. But that water had tasted weird, and made him feel strange.

Things got murky after that. He hadn’t gone with the Captain. Why would he? They’d know it had been him soon enough, not a space bunny. Plus, a whole world of unexplored food? This worked as a retirement plan. Also, the Captain needed to stay, and so he had. But, he was not the Captain. He’d known that, so why had he been disappointed by that? No, not him, the… there was a gleam in the murk in his head. That had been disappointed.

But, the Captain would come back. For him, or for more treasure, it didn’t matter. But he could have food, all the food he wanted.

He just needed to get to the kitchen, and wait for the Captain. When the Captain came, he could eat everything else, he just needed the Captain to stay.

Or was that the gleam that needed the Captain?

But, he’d found it; the kitchen. It had an inhabitant already, but that didn’t matter. Or, no, he was already there, right? No, it had been someone else there, but now it was only him.

It was murky.

The carrots and the Captain were approaching. He’d been thinking too long; the Captain might’ve left if he’d not been paying attention, and the Captain needed to stay. That was a truth; a truth that glittered through the murk in his head.

There was something buzzing in his small ears, but that didn’t matter.

Only cooking and the Captain mattered.

He pulled his legs out of the ground, and made sure the kitchen was secured to his sides, and that he was secure atop his head. He’d start with some sauce for the carrots; maybe a little would hit the Captain, but that was fine. The Captain would move less when battered and soaked with sauce, and then the Captain would stay easier. He also had seasoning and flame-roasting and an electric fryer, all good utensils for cooking.

The Captain was throwing spicy carrots at him, they hurt, they were trying to make him drop his utensils, why was the Captain doing that? He just wanted to cook and keep the Captain; why was the Captain throwing things? The carrots were too spicy, they wouldn’t be as good like this. Frying the not-golden carrots didn’t work, he’d try flame-roasting them, but the Captain just took them out of his space. Fine, those were too spicy, he didn’t want them right away. Some seasoning first would be better.

The sauce! The carrots had taken his sauce while he was trying to season them! No, he could get that back later; he’d just cook the carrots and then they wouldn’t take his kitchen.

The not-golden carrots were on his fryer now, the droplets from the fryer were bouncing all over, but still they kept attacking.

Right, they couldn’t be fried.

He could flame-roast or season them, but frying sounded good.


They don’t fry.

He had just noted that. Why’d he try that again?

Oh, right, frying sounded good.

His head was murky.

He’d lost the fryer too!

Stop taking his kitchen! Just let him cook and keep the Captain here! The Captain needed to just stop throwing carrots and stay!

The potato had given the Captain more carrots, ones that were tomato-red, and didn’t flame-roast. But maybe if he turned up the roaster? Or perhaps seasoned them more thoroughly?

No, the carrots had taken his flame-roaster!

Now all he had was the seasoner. Well, he could still use that.

Wait, no, the potato had given the Captain new carrots that were white with red spots. Didn’t that mean they… they… didn’t taste good? He’d never tried any of these kinds of carrots, so he didn’t know, but the other things here had always seemed to not like eating the white-and-red carrots.

The new carrots didn’t seem to be affected by his seasoning, but the Captain was. The Captain didn’t seem hurt, just knocked over.

His seasoner! His kitchen! His suit was gone, and now the potato was throwing carrots at him while the Captain had the carrots taking his kitchen utensils away! Those were his! He needed them to cook!

Those carrots hurt, but he could do nothing but swat them off and try to keep himself balanced on his head. They were tenderizing him, that was not how this was supposed to go! He was supposed to cook things and keep the Captain, not get cooked and lose the Captain!

He was fading, and then he was boiling, his body and his head boiling; the murk boiling away with the spider beneath him. It bubbled and churned, its legs boiled away to nothing, and it fell, taking him with it.

The rest of the spider broiled away to nothing, and the Captain… Captain Olimar rushed over to him, the carrots-pikmin and the potato-president following behind. Something buzzed in his ears, but he couldn’t make it out as he fell into darkness.

His head wasn’t quite so murky, anymore, and the glitter left him, disappointed in his failure.