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feeling how i feel

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Bright light pierced through Monika’s eyelids. She groaned, shifting slightly. Her body ached. What had… oh. Right.

She opened her eyes slowly, squinting. She was lying on the living room floor — blanket or not, a bit uncomfortable. That would explain the ache. And Yuri lay beside her, head upon an errant pillow. Her soft, slow breathing bade Monika still any noisy, sudden movements. Memory oozed back with her consciousness. They had been on a “study date” — or rather, Monika noted, smiling at the thought, a sleepover.

A silver tray sat precariously close to her body, stacked with a pot and teacups. (Green for her, Earl Gray for Yuri.) Miraculously, she hadn’t knocked into it in sleep. Monika let out a yawn, light seeping through her flesh. It was just past 10:30 — but a blissful Saturday. Her emerald eyes turned to her sleeping companion.

Yuri was the picture of elegance, even in sleep. Rivers and tributaries of violet pooled around her head as she cradled last night’s book of scary stories close to her chest. Her lips were ever-so-slightly parted, her delicate eyelashes fluttered shut. Utterly breathtaking. A warmth filled Monika at observing her friend — it had taken some thinking to find a way to convince the shy girl to come over at all.

As if aware of Monika’s gaze, Yuri twitched, shifting her head on her pillow. Just as quietly as she slept, she woke, deep amethyst blinking back into existence. She scanned the setting, finally meeting Monika’s gaze. She pinked.

“G-good morning.”

Monika smiled. “Mornin’. Sleep well?”

Yuri nodded. Monika could tell her friend had the same experience with the hardwood as she, but — polite to the end.

“Nothing like the floor to relax the muscles, hmm?” Monika teased. Yuri blushed helplessly. Cute.

“I—I…” she spluttered. Monika called it. 

She sat up. “Don’t worry about it. I get it.” 

Relief and apology warred on Yuri’s face, relaxing only slowly. Then, Monika grinned.

“Want to lie somewhere more comfy?” she asked.

“I’m alright here,” Yuri replied.

“You sure you don’t wanna?”

“… If that’s okay?”

“Of course. It’s not far, don’t worry.” Monika turned to a kneeling position. Her eyes swept over Yuri’s long limbs, covered by their blanket. “May I?”

Yuri blinked, questioning. Monika promptly scooped the girl into her arms, blanket and all. She might have been tall, but Monika’s athletic build was more than capable of carrying her. The book in Yuri’s arms harmlessly slid to the floor.

Yuri’s breath hitched.


Monika giggled, savoring the sound. Yuri’s plushness filled her arms just right. So soft and warm, just like the magmatic passion bubbling underneath — obscured by her reticent exterior. Gentle, she set Yuri on the couch just behind them, crawling up to join her.

Et voilà,” she said, winking. Yuri flushed.

“T-thank you,” she murmured, a little out of breath.

Monika hummed. “So, want to do anything? I was going to make breakfast first, but after…?”

Yuri looked pensive for a moment. “Perhaps we could just read? Company makes the quiet so much lovelier.”

“Good idea,” Monika smiled. She reclined against the cushions, absently reaching for Yuri’s hand. The other girl startled at their fingers’ meeting, but shyly intertwined them nonetheless. Affection coursed through Monika’s blood. She brought their joined hands up to her lips and laid a kiss to Yuri’s knuckles. Yuri squeaked.

“So adorable,” Monika whispered. How could she resist? Her friend was just so damn cute.

A little noise stirred somewhere deep in Yuri’s throat, and her breathing grew a tiny bit shallower. They lay on the couch in silence for minutes, hours, days. Monika didn’t know. But it was warm and pleasant, a home within her home.

Yuri shifted imperceptibly under the blanket, edging toward Monika. She only registered the movement through the sudden closeness of Yuri’s body heat. A candle of feeling sparked to life somewhere low in her stomach, and she leaned into Yuri. She almost seemed to shiver in response. The two shared a silence together.

The detritus of the previous evening was scattered across the floor. The tea tray, pillows, blankets, a pair of game controllers, Yuri’s bag, and the book in the middle of it, cover-down. Such a lovely night...

Monika looked back down at their conjoined hands. Yuri’s sleeves were still pushed up, and she could see the beautiful cartography of overflowing desires scoring that alabaster flesh. That Yuri felt comfortable enough to not mind revealing herself was equal parts gratifying and endearing. Monika brought their hands back up to her lips, but diverted them. She delicately kissed the raised tissue of a scar, then another, then another. God, she was smitten.

Just as her lips reached a fourth, Yuri whined.

Then froze.

For a moment, all was deadly still. Then, before Monika could react, Yuri shot off the couch, snatched her bag off the floor, and made her graceful flight to the bathroom.


The bathroom door shut with a click.

Monika couldn’t help it. A devilish smirk spread across her face.

So cute.

A few minutes later, Monika was in the kitchen, setting out the pancake mix, milk, butter, eggs, and assorted cooking implements. Nothing quite like pancakes after a night with your clubmate, after all. The bathroom was too far to hear distinctly, but it seemed water was running inside. The sink? The shower?

Soon enough, all she needed to make pancakes was arranged — she didn’t, however, start cooking. She had a delicious appetizer in mind first. She grabbed her phone and browsed poems online, waiting for Yuri.

Eventually, the running water subsided. With another click, the bathroom door opened.

Straps of her bag clasped in both hands, Yuri emerged in new clothes — a dark sweater, sleeves all the way down, and form-fitting jeans. Monika’s eyes flickered up from her phone and her face spread in an easy, angelic smile.


“H-hi,” Yuri stuttered, avoiding Monika’s gaze. It didn’t work.


Yuri blanched. “W-what?”

“Nothing. Come over here?” Monika said, gesturing over at the counter, stacked with cooking materials. Yuri nodded, setting her bag on the kitchen table. Monika put her phone down to match. She grabbed Yuri’s hand with a flourish as she walked past, holding the arm up. Yuri stiffened.

“Can I?”

Yuri instinctively began to shake her head, but then looked up. Into Monika’s eyes.

Her own dilated at the gaze just as her breath hitched.

“Yes,” she whispered. The candle in Monika’s stomach blossomed into an infernal flood.

Slowly, Monika pulled back the sweater sleeve. Down Yuri’s arm were the old scars, pale and discolored, but also — also a couple newly-red gashes, angry and weeping, each only recently-clotted. Monika grinned wickedly.

“Jeez, Yu,” Monika purred. (Yuri blushed at the nickname.) “You did all this and you didn’t even let me join in on the fun? No fair.”

“Oh,” moaned Yuri.

Monika quirked an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

Yuri bit her lip. Monika’s eyes traced the motion and suddenly, her breath grew shallower too. Fuck…

“…—t me,” Yuri mumbled.

Tracing a thumb along Yuri’s arm, Monika smiled, a bit cruel. “Speak clearly for me, honey.”

Yuri made a noise. “Um. Hurt me. Please.

“Will you be good for me, Yu?”

“Y-yes,” she panted, hips twitching involuntarily.

Monika nodded. “Good girl,” she murmured, laying a kiss in the corner of Yuri’s lips. She turned to her bag and slowly unzipped it, reaching in — past a second book, last night’s clothes, and then…

She extracted the knife from the bag. Its silver sheen glinted in the light. It was an elegant weapon — a sharp, symmetric blade with an intricate crimson handle. Monika admired it in her hand. Beautiful, just like its owner. Then she looked back to Yuri.


She took Yuri’s hand, wordlessly tugging her toward the stairs. She was putty at her whims.

Fuck, this was going to be good.

“Strip for me,” Monika commanded the second her bedroom door was shut. Wouldn’t want to ruin those pretty clothes.

Yuri stumbled over herself to comply, hands visibly shaking. The eager, submissive look on her face brought Monika utter bliss. All this, for her. Delicious. She luxuriated in it.

And then she was naked. Monika’s eyes were glued to her healthy curves, taking in the vision with a grin. She threw her dress off in a single, fluid movement. “Get on the bed, darling,” she husked. “Lie down.”

Monika sat on the bed next to her. “Good girl,” she murmured with affection. Yuri let out a groan.

“So, here’s how this is going to work,” Monika said, her face the beatific mask of the literature club president. “I’m going to ask you questions, and if you answer honestly, I’ll cut you. If your performance pleases me, I’ll give you a further reward. ‘Kay?”

Yuri nodded frantically. “Y-yes.”

“Yes what?”

A millisecond pause. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Yuri moaned.

A bolt of pleasure pulsed through Monika. She let out a feather-light groan under her breath. Fuck. 

“Fantastic. So, Yu, why were you cutting yourself in my bathroom?” Hard-hitting questions first.

Yuri audibly sucked in a breath. “I… you were t-teasing me, and it—it just felt so good,” she hissed, “so good, it was so much and I couldn’t hold it inside anymore, s-so, I…”

“Let off some steam?” Monika finished.

“Y-yes, m-ma'am.”

Monika looked pensive for a moment. Then, she smirked. “Good girl. That wasn’t hard, was it?” She lowered the knife an inch. Yuri’s eyes followed the blade.

“N-no, ma’am,” she panted.

“Now stay still.”

Monika brought the knife down on Yuri, tracing a small — then medium — cut up her side. Scarlet droplets beaded up at the cut as Yuri’s flesh wept. It was beautiful the way fire burns to touch. The girl herself exhaled hard, a dazed expression on her face.

Monika leaned down and kissed Yuri’s forehead, then the bridge of her nose, and finally — finally — her lips. They were dry but still delectably plush. Their touch called a pang of want to seize Monika, and she laid a hungry hand on Yuri’s thigh. The violet-haired girl moaned lewdly. Monika drew back.

“Okay,” she said, still a little lost for breath. “So how does it feel?”


“Cutting, sweetie.”

Yuri nodded in recognition, only half-aware.

“I-it’s…” she began slowly, “It’s like I’m bleeding the feelings out, when they’re overwhelming. Transmutation, from heart to flesh. I—if that makes sense,” she laughed weakly.

Monika responded by carving a cut in on Yuri’s thigh, nestled between two old scars. Yuri gasped, and Monika kissed her again. It was just as soul-sundering as the last time.

Monika grinned a cocksure grin when they separated, inches away from Yuri’s face. Her body was thrumming with need and purpose, like her missing essence had been restored — made real. She was intoxicated on the power in her body and her hand and beneath her. 

“Third. Did you think I didn’t know any of that already?”

Yuri’s violet eyes glazed over at the question. “M-Moniiii……” she groaned, wanton and lost. Monika’s legs clenched at the reaction.


Not even waiting for an answer, Monika sliced a long arc down Yuri’s torso, moaning as she did it. As the blood welled up, she sank her lips to the cut — first kissing it, then lapping at it, tasting the rich metallic droplets — tasting Yuri. There was a subtle hint of flavor behind the copper. Perhaps it was the heady thrill of arousal, but Monika couldn’t get enough of it, lapping a bit more up with broad strokes of her tongue.

Yuri squeezed her thighs together. Their eyes met again as Monika nestled herself atop them, unhooking Yuri’s bra. Neither looked away. She ran her free hand through Yuri’s hair, admiringly.

“You’re doing so well, Yu. That was a freebie.” To punctuate, she wormed her leg in between Yuri’s, pressing up against her panties. Yuri mewled at the pressure.

“… Babe, you’re soaked. Have you been enjoying yourself that much?” Yuri nodded enthusiastically against the sheets. Monika bit her lip to suppress a moan. “How are you feeling?”

It took a moment for Yu to catch her breath. “… Like something laid eggs in my spirit — a-and they’re beginning to hatch and worm their maggoty way out of my mind, my heart, my body—and leave me so blissfully vacant,” Yuri intoned rapturously, eyes gazing nowhere.

Monika’s consciousness was sent far away by the answer, and she brought her head up to Yuri’s breasts, murmured, “that’s so fucking hot,” and took a nipple into her mouth, sucking eagerly. Yuri bit back what sounded like a swear — which was even hotter, since Yuri never swore.

Releasing Yuri with a pop, Monika’s lips trailed up the porcelain column of her neck, kissing with a religious fervor. She reached Yuri’s ear, and couldn’t hold herself back any longer.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Yuri,” she husked. “Is that okay?”

Please,” Yuri begged.

With a gentleness and care reserved for Yuri and the things she loved, Monika set the bloody knife on the nightstand. Then, she slipped Yuri’s panties down her legs, and — finally, at last — slid a finger in. Yuri was so wet that she immediately added a second, cunt pulsing against her. She wasted no time probing, working her clit at a vicious pace. With her other hand, she lightly dragged a finger across a cut, earning a hiss and an ecstatic thrash melted together.

Monika,” Yuri moaned.

The perfect squeeze of Yuri’s insides against her fingers lit every inch of Monika ablaze. She timed a thrust with meeting Yuri’s perfect lips in a kiss, and all at once the girl fell apart, moaning something incoherent (that sounded vaguely of ‘Monika’). Her body was wracked by convulsions, her thighs shuddering. Monika touched herself to the indescribable sight. It only took a few strokes to join Yuri in the depths of bliss.

Fuck,” Monika rasped, leaning into Yuri. The other girl wrapped her arms around Monika, smiling faintly. Monika placed a sloppy kiss against her cheek.

“Who knew you were so adept at concupiscence, Madame President?” Yuri murmured wryly.

Monika laughed. With a slight shift, her mouth brushed over Yuri’s ear.

“I didn’t say we were done, Yuri.”


Many orgasms later, the two of them lay lazily in Monika’s bed, arms cast loosely around each other. They were phoenix-ash — and so warm.

“I’m going to go get something to clean your cuts in a couple minutes,” Monika announced. Yuri nodded sleepily against her neck. “Do you have anything special in your bag for that, or…?”

“Disinfectant and bandages,” Yuri replied.

“Okay. And then breakfast?”

“More of a brunch now, dear.”

Monika giggled. She pressed a delicate kiss into Yuri’s hair. Then paused.

“… Wait.”

“What is it?”

Monika grinned wickedly. “If you had all that and it wasn’t on you when you walked out of that bathroom, then you definitely knew what was going to happen, you adorable pervert.”

Yuri made a noise somewhere between a moan and an embarrassed squeak, covering her face with her hands. Monika snorted, kissing her rust-stained fingers. Slowly, she peeled them away. “There your gorgeous face is,” Monika whispered.

Breathing in sync, they lay there a bit longer in silence.