Work Text:
Do you wanna bet your life they're gonna be perfect for you too? (Mars meets Venus)
New-age man - shake me up... - gay guy -
... long-term relationship ...
missing something -
Say...are you the one?... are you the one?
- Duran Duran, "When Mars Meets Venus"
Jack's reverie was broken by the cog door rolling back and the sound of a heavy box being dragged across the floor.
He put the pictures in their box and closed it before setting it on the corner of his desk. The alarms hadn't gone off, no point in scaring the hell out of whichever of his team was dragging themselves into the Hub. He moved to the door and sighed. Ianto, of course. Carrying the small rocket launcher Jack had used to take out the shapeshifter.
Ianto looked up, completely nonplussed to have Jack standing there watching him. "Thought it best to return this to the archives so we know where it is when the next shapeshifting, egg-laying, homicidal, mother-of-the-year comes through the rift." He continued to drag the heavy case to the stairwell.
Jack moved around behind him so that Ianto would bump into him as he hauled the box backwards. Jack had a feeling the look Ianto shot him was only partially because he was blocking his way to the dumb-waiter in the stairwell. "Ianto when I asked you to take the SUV around, the idea was then you'd get in your car and go home for the night.
"I know," Ianto said curtly. "But it didn't seem like a good idea to leave this out overnight."
"It's not like anyone's going to be able to get it out of the SUV," Jack objected.
This time the frustration and fatigue in Ianto's face had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Jack had gotten between him and the stairs. "Fine. I'll put it away and go home. Sir."
Jack didn't move. This had nothing do with the big honking gun.
"What have I done, Ianto?" he asked quietly.
Even with a view of Ianto's back Jack knew that Ianto had closed his eyes and he could see Ianto's shoulders flex and contract as he took a deep breath and calmed himself. Jack wondered if anything short of killing someone he loved again would get Ianto to lose control and tell Jack exactly what he thought of him. He'd gone ahead and asked the question, but he had a pretty good idea what he'd done to piss Ianto off. He wasn't sure if it was his own masochistic tendencies or if he really thought it would be good for Ianto to chew him out for what he'd done that had made him ask. But he'd known, even as the words left his mouth, that it would be a struggle to get Ianto to actually confront him. It would probably be an even bigger struggle for him to keep Ianto from circling the conversation back around until Jack confessed. Ianto was good at that.
Ianto looked less angry and more sad and defeated when he finally faced Jack again. His voice was softer, more controlled as Jack expected. "Nothing, Jack. I am very tired, it's been an exceptionally long and taxing day. I apologize for my temper. I'm just going to stow this and then I'll follow your advice."
And only Ianto could make it sound like he was the one at fault when Jack knew exactly how wrong he'd been on so many levels that night. He couldn't think of the first way to begin digging them out of the stalemate they were in, now that Ianto was emphasizing his own minor misbehavior and putting the blame for the tension on himself. Jack wanted them both to have a little dignity when the night was over, but he couldn't seem to find an opening.
He was well aware that the night could easily turn into a fist-fight, knock down, yelling match or they could both stand there and try to freeze each other out.
In an unexpected sense of blind panic Jack began to think that if they didn't deal with what happened that night that night that it could very easily be all over for the two of them outside of what would become a very distant, very stiff working relationship. Jack had mused a great deal of the night on what he had to offer someone like Ianto and he hadn't come up with much. But something had made Ianto want whatever it was and Jack was loathe to lose it. Lose him.
Just as suddenly he realized that he needed time to get his own racing thoughts under control before he could give Ianto the answers he deserved.
"Do me a favor. Store that and stop in my office for a bit." He held up a hand when Ianto started to object. "I know; you're tired. I just want to talk for a few minutes, okay? Just… for a little while."
Ianto nodded, his face still tense as he bent back to the box and schlepped it off to the archives.
Jack ran his hands over his face a few times, scrubbing at the skin and rubbing his eyes. He went into his office and took two glasses and the decanter of scotch off his desk. Almost as an after thought he grabbed the one picture that hadn't made it back into the tin and tucked it into his shirt between his oxford and his t-shirt. He poured them each a small drink, knowing that in Ianto's state he was likely to pass out from exhaustion with just the slightest bit of help from the alcohol. He sat on the sofa across from Tosh's station, the decanter on the table; handy, just in case.
Ianto came back up a few minutes later, brushing dust off his pants and hands. Jack held out a hand. "Come here."
Ianto still looked less angry and more depressed and Jack had a feeling that it would be easier to do this as an argument than wading through six levels of Ianto's issues of inadequacy before getting to Jack's trust issues.
Ianto sat and Jack handed him a glass. Ianto didn't even question the wisdom of drinking in his state and with the prospect of still having to drive home in front of him. Jack waited patiently for Ianto to switch the glass to his right hand, so that Jack could take his left in his own hand.
"I'm sorry for the way I acted tonight," Jack finally said, his eyes fastened to the floor. "There was… I don't…" He snatched his hand back and scrubbed it over his face as he collected his thoughts. "I hate weddings," he finally said bluntly. "I've managed to avoid even going to one for the past seventy-five years. All I can think is…" Jack bit his lip and shifted as he noticed the edge of the picture poking him in the chest. "There are so many reasons I don't fit in this time and this place. I suppose it's a little better now than it was a hundred years ago, but my views on romance and relationships… they'll never be understood here and yet I can't change the way I am. I've tried twice. Both times ended… badly."
Ianto leaned back on the sofa cushions, his head turned towards Jack. "How's that? How are you so different than we are?" he asked quietly. It was on the tip of his tongue to make a smart remark about Jack's willingness to shag anything up to and possibly including Captain John's poodle, but he bit it back as he realized that this was hard enough for Jack. He had no idea where the conversation was going, but as he studied Jack he realized Jack was torn up by whatever thoughts and memories were plaguing him.
Jack finally looked up at him. "Can I ask you a really personal question? I promise it's relevant."
Ianto shrugged. Jack could ask, but he wasn't going to guarantee an answer.
Jack took his hand again. "I've seen how much things have changed in the last quarter-century. Things are getting better, but humans… they aren't there yet. People are getting more accepting of people who aren't like them, but there's still so much persecution," Jack squeezed Ianto's hand. "Were you ever bullied for having a boyfriend or liking guys or…"
Ianto sighed. "Jack… I…" He sighed. "I've never been with another man. I… you're right things are changing and for the better, but I've seen the results of those who are braver than I am in the face of a world that isn't changing fast enough." He looked up at Jack through his lashes. "And I've never felt strongly enough before about someone to take the risk."
Jack's mouth opened and closed a few times but nothing came out. "I don't think I realized that you felt you were risking something for… this. For me."
"I notice you didn't say you didn't realize that you were the first man I've ever slept with." Ianto felt himself blush with the words.
"That… became kind of apparent early on. But I don't mind." Jack turned his hand just enough to lace their fingers together.
Ianto wondered how many men had let Jack be their first. He swallowed a fit of irrational worry that he was just another in a long list of people who'd fallen for the legendary Harkness charm. He squeezed his eyes shut against the tightness in his chest at that thought.
"Why did you ask me if I'd had other men in my life?" Ianto asked trying to steer the conversation back to the point at hand.
"Because it might give you an idea of how I feel here. Sure, it's becoming much more accepted that people might want to share their lives with a person of their same gender. But it's not accepted that someone might want to share their life with more than one person." Jack found his bitterness towards the old-fashioned, from his perspective, feelings of the current time creeping out in his tone.
"And it's not about Gwen per se. Not really. I'm absolutely no good for her and I don't think she'd be any good for me. It's just the whole 'get married and settle down' thing. It's so… limiting! Not to mention I suck at it." Jack closed his eyes and let his breath out in a long sigh.
"And me? Am I good for you?" Ianto asked.
Jack turned his head to be sure he had eye contact with Ianto when he explained. "Yes. Gwen sees me as some kind of fairy tale hero. The fact that I can't die just seems to reinforce that idea of a mythical prince who comes riding in on a white horse to rescue the maiden every time, even at the peril of his own life. She doesn't see me for who I am – for all my flaws – because she refuses to acknowledge that I have any. That's so fucking much to live up to." Jack was suddenly slammed with the memories, the emotions of the last person who had looked at him from through those same rose-colored glasses and he began to feel a little sick. He didn't need those memories complicating an already difficult situation.
Ianto began to feel sorry for Jack. Sometimes it was easy to forget how much responsibility Jack carried, how they all turned to him for the hard decisions and the best solution. And how often Jack managed something at the very last second. And how personally he took it when he couldn't.
"You see me for me. You're the first to tell me when I step out of line, when I get cocky and arrogant. You were the one who gave me the cold shoulder for three weeks after I got home from being with the Doctor. Gwen had her thirty-second hissy fit and basically handed me back the keys to the Hub no questions asked. You asked questions. You stayed with me that first night because I so desperately needed you, but you didn't let me push you around and you didn't come back to my bed until I'd made good on that promised date."
"And the next," Ianto interjected.
"That's what I'm talking about," Jack agreed. "You made me prove to you that I wasn't using you, that I wouldn't run out on you again, that everything I'd said to you was true." He reached up and gently stroked Ianto's hair. "You weren't about to let me hurt you again, which meant I'd hurt you once – and I'm so sorry for that – but it told me that what you see is me and you'll accept me for who I am. It's been so very long since I've had that, Ianto." Jack leaned in until his head rested against Ianto's temple. "Gwen may think she loves me, but she doesn't. She loves the action figure. We could pull the latest James Bond in here to work with her for a week and she'd be all over him. She's in love with Rhys; I know that. But there's a part of her – the part of her that makes her work here so valuable – that wants more excitement and adventure that marrying a trucking firm manager can give her. She's not really all that fussed about who happens to be behind that fantasy." Jack tossed back the rest of his drink and set his glass down, even as he debated another.
"And what about you," Ianto asked. "What fantasy does she fulfill for you?"
Jack sat up and reached into his shirt. He withdrew the picture and handed it over to Ianto. He knew his voice would crack when he finally whispered, "Normality," and it did.
"Who is she?" Ianto asked after studying the picture for a long minute. "I mean other than the obvious."
"Her name was Celeste. I married her on twenty-eight April, 1896. In a rather bizarre turn of events, I was recruited to Torchwood in 1899. I actually told them to get stuffed the first few times I was approached because I knew Torchwood's view on the Doctor. But…" Jack took the picture back and stared at the woman in it. "I'd realized that I'd made a horrible mistake in marrying her. There was one part of the equation that I'd just never factored in and it was that… I couldn't stay. I faked my death left London for Cardiff and… ended up with Torchwood."
"So soon? I mean, I can understand that after time… You told me about Estelle… But less than three years? What happened?"
Jack sighed and folded the protective paper around the picture again. "Her parents started pressuring us to have children." Jack dropped the picture on the coffee table and leaned forward, his hands hanging between his knees, head bowed. "Before we got married I had convinced myself that I'd be okay with it, but the more we talked about it, really talked about it, the more I realized I couldn't face outliving another child."
"Another?" Ianto cut in. "You had a child?"
Jack let out a long sigh and ran his hands down his face. "There's a reason that…" he sighed again and squeezed his eyes shut. He reached over blindly, groping until he found Ianto's hand. "Tell me to stop if you don't want to hear this. I won't blame you or be angry or… whatever. Okay?"
Ianto was curious as hell now. Jack had never been anything but a total braggart or completely secretive about his past. Ianto couldn't imagine what it was he was willing but afraid to tell him. "Alright," he agreed, trying to get Jack back talking again.
"There's a reason," Jack started again, "That John's a bit fixated on me."
Ianto couldn't help but roll his eyes. There was nothing about John Hart that he liked. His fixation on Jack was one of his least sterling qualities. "He does seem unusually perseverant for someone you were only with for two weeks."
Jack squeezed Ianto's hand. "No, he was right. It was five years. From our perspective, it was five years." Jack looked at Ianto out of the corner of his eye trying to gauge how he was taking all this. "On the edges of the galaxy there are time storms. John and I were sent to retrieve an artifact from a planet that tended to get caught in these storms. We knew if we weren't out in the time frame we were given, we'd be stuck there for the duration of the storm. I think John got us stuck there on purpose. He knew that our temporal transporters wouldn't be able to lock onto a location anywhere off the planet until after the storm. And that the storm warped time around anything in it's path." Jack was staring at the floor now, his thumb rubbing over the back of Ianto's hand, clearly lost in the memories.
"By galactic standards, the planet's civilization was pretty new. But because of the storms, it was incredibly advanced. They had storms that lasted about a week out of every month and during that week their time slowed down to almost one one-hundred-fiftieth. So, the two week storm we got stuck in was five years for us, but when we got out of it, only two weeks had passed for our superiors at the Time Agency. It was very hard to explain, even for people who did what we did for a living. Anyway, the medical breakthroughs on this planet were amazing. John and I were stuck there for five years and… yeah, we decided to make the best of it."
Ianto shifted to put an arm around Jack's shoulders. "He called you his wife; you were married?"
Jack rolled his eyes. Who was the wife was always their joke. John had been more reserved, quieter back then. He was the junior partner and despite his tendency to act first and think later, he did defer to Jack more often than not. Much more stereotypical, old-fashioned, 'wife' in personality. But then there had been Scarlet and the reason John had thought Jack the more suitable partner to be called 'wife'.
"Marriages there were short term by design. You married someone for two years and at the end you had to renew your license. If you didn't, the marriage was dissolved. We realized we were stuck there for a bit and if once we were back home we wanted to let it dissolve, we could." Jack bit his lip, clearly working out in his head how to say words Ianto was sure he hadn't said in decades, possibly centuries, if he'd ever said them at all. "After the first two years things were good. So we renewed. When we went in to sign the papers we were granted a reproduction certificate."
"A what?" Ianto asked, not wanting to interrupt, but he wasn't sure if that really was what it sounded like.
"A reproduction certificate. We were signing the papers and the court officer handed us another one and told us we could have a child if we wanted to. John laughed. I just stood there looking at the girl from the court office like she clearly didn't get it – two men couldn't have a child – and she handed me a pamphlet from one of the larger hospitals. They'd just recently started mass producing a synthetic uterus and a way to combine DNA to allow two men to have a child."
Ianto watched as Jack's hand slid along his belly. The penny dropped. "So you didn't just have a child, you had a child. As in you were pregnant with… gave birth to…"
Jack nodded. "At first John and I thought it was funny. Two Time Agents with a toddler, yeah right." He scoffed, but his hand still passed over his stomach. "But then the joking turned to talking and the talking turned into investigating the risks… we were ridiculously domestic that whole time – we were just marking time until the storm was over - and we got to thinking it was a good idea."
Ianto's hand went into Jack's hair, gently stroking and combing as Jack marshaled his words again.
"They ran eighty-thousand tests on us both before deciding I was the better candidate to carry her."
"Her?" Ianto asked quietly. "They knew ahead of time it would be a her?"
Jack nodded, "We were told up front. When they took a good look at our DNA they realized that the Y chromosome really doesn't do a whole hell of a lot in humans. We'd have a better chance of having a…" Jack trailed off and Ianto saw the first tear Jack had shed all night roll down his face. Ianto reached up and gently brushed it away, letting Jack have a minute.
Jack collapsed forward. It had been so very long since he'd thought about this and all of the implications. "They said that if they used the X chromosome from each of us, we'd have a better chance of having a... a healthy child." Jack squeezed his eyes shut as several more tears made their way onto his lashes.
Ianto began to understand what happened. "She wasn't healthy?" he asked quietly.
Jack scrubbed his eyes with the back of his free hand. "There was so much wrong with her. She had to be fed through a tube, her eyes were crossed something awful, they had to keep putting her on ventilator because her lungs didn't develop right and they kept collapsing. They doctors never came right out and told us, but she was severely brain damaged too. Her legs were almost fused together. The doctors told us that if she lived through her first year they could repair certain things and others would eventually self-correct – like her lungs – but…" Jack shook his head. "She only lived fifty-three days."
"Oh, Jack…" Ianto pulled Jack in close, letting Jack sob into his shoulder, rubbing his back and whispering gentle words of comfort, letting Jack know he could handle whatever Jack told him. That their pettiness over who was dancing with who was inconsequential and easily forgotten.
After a few minutes Jack scrubbed his eyes again, but didn't move away from Ianto's embrace. "John couldn't handle what happened. I think in her whole life he held her like three times. One of us needed to go out and earn a living while one of us stayed with Scarlet, but he was… ridiculously eager to go out and work. To be gone from the house as much as possible."
Ianto poured Jack a little more scotch and handed him his glass.
Jack nodded thanks. "John had seen me as … some kind of paragon of … I don't even know what. We were both from a similar time and basically didn't mind so much if one of us felt like going out on the pull. I had never missed my mark on any of our missions and I usually managed to pull in a little extra something for the two of us in the process. When Scarlet died I fell apart. And he had no idea what to do with me. So he stayed away as much as he could. I try to tell myself sometimes that he was trying to spare me his grief, but… I don't know…"
He scrubbed his eyes again and finally pulled away to sit up. "We ended up not renewing our certificate the next year even though we knew we still had more than seven months to go before the end of the time storm."
There was a long silence. Ianto wondered if Jack wanted to talk about her or if it was best left at what Jack chose to share. After a few minutes Jack glanced up at Ianto from under his fringe. Ianto was suddenly aware of how often he'd seen that tired, defeated look on Jack's face lately. After he'd returned from being with the Doctor, after that giant space whale had needed to be euthanized, after Owen's death… "Do you want to talk about her, Jack?" he finally asked.
"She lived less than three months, there's not much to tell. She didn't have any first words or first steps. She never even really smiled at us." Jack shrugged, but he didn't seem averse to the conversation. Just at a loss.
"Her name was Scarlet?" Ianto probed.
Jack nodded. "Early on in our partnership – our working one, not the other one - I had made it clear to John that secondary to whatever mission our superiors sent us on, I was looking for my brother, Grey. He knew that was important to me. When I got pregnant I told him I wanted to name her Grace, it was the closest girls' name I could think of, but he got stuck on the color thing for some damn reason and really wanted to name her Scarlet. He had some thing in his head about how she'd be the brightness in our search for Grey… or something. It was stupid, but he was really hung up on it. So I gave in."
"You could have made Grace her middle name," Ianto suggested softly.
Jack grinned at him. "I did. And more often than not, that was what I called her." His face grew stormy again. "It wasn't like John was around much to complain about it."
Ianto tipped Jack's head back towards him and kissed his temple. "But you were, weren't you? You were a good father to her for as long as she needed you, I'm sure."
Jack sniffled again and leaned back into Ianto. "John wasn't even there when she died. We … we could tell it was coming. Her breathing was erratic and the meds to keep her comfortable were working for shorter and shorter times. She cried almost non-stop the last few days… John couldn't take it."
"I don't blame you for not forgiving him. I can't imagine living through the loss of a child, but to have essentially lost your partner at the same time? He all but walked out on the two of you. That's … that's unacceptable."
Jack shrugged a little. "It was… very complicated. Suffice it to say that when we were finally able to break through the storm, we couldn't get off that planet fast enough. We both went to our superior officers and demanded new assignments and new partners. I wanted as little as possible to do with him. I never saw him again until he turned up in a bar in Cardiff. But I'd heard a few things. That he was trying to get in touch with me, that he was still looking for Grey in some kind of attempt to make it up to me… I guess he got quite a rep for going ballistic on anyone he even thought was being cruel or abusive to little girls."
Jack leaned back against the couch and let out a muffled scream from between his fingers. "God, I hadn't even realized that this was what got under my skin tonight. I kept thinking it was Celeste… but… I guess this is what got under that."
Ianto rested a hand on Jack's thigh. "Feel better now for having talked about it?"
"I do. And I'm sorry I was jerk tonight."
Ianto looked at him sideways, a small smile on his face. "Me too. And I'm sorry for your loss." He held up a hand as Jack opened his mouth to speak. "I know it was a long time ago, but I'm still sorry."
And that, Jack realized, was what made Ianto so radically different from John. Ianto would sympathize with him over something that subjectively happened a couple hundred years ago, a child Ianto had never met. John could barely tolerate being near his own daughter because she hadn't been the shining bundle of joy they'd spent a year planning and waiting for. For a fleeting instant Jack wondered what raising a child with Ianto would be like. He'd fled Celeste when the prospect of children came up. But that was because she didn't know who – what – he was. She didn't know about Scarlet Grace. Ianto knew and was so incredibly compassionate. If they did it the old fashioned way – the way two men in this place and time had children – adoption or surrogacy – they'd have a much better chance of having a beautiful healthy child. He'd still outlive them, but he'd have seventy or eighty or more years instead of fifty-three days if everything went well.
He shook his head. He wasn't ready for a child. Not for as long as there was Torchwood and Nostrovites and staff members who were the walking dead. But some part of him took joy in the thought that maybe someday…
He hadn't realized how far inward his thoughts had turned, but after a bit he noticed the strains of big band dance music coming from the vicinity of Ianto's computer station. When he glanced up Ianto was standing in front of him with his hand outstretched.
"Dance with me?" Ianto asked quietly.
Jack blinked at him for a minute. After Jack had accidentally made him look like a fool by having to cut in on his own boyfriend at Gwen's reception, he'd thought Ianto wouldn't ever ask him to dance again.
Ianto extended his hand again and this time Jack grabbed it and let Ianto pull him up off the couch.
Their bodies melted together in a way that hadn't happened at the wedding. Instead of holding hands, Ianto wrapped both arms around Jack's back. One going around his waist, the other tucked under Jack's arm to rest on the back of Jack's head where it lay on his opposite shoulder. Jack clung to him fiercely, even though his face was now dry and his breathing calm.
This time Ianto led. They swayed to the music more than anything, their feet barely moving. Jack took long steadying breaths, his eyes closed, trusting Ianto to keep them from bumping into anything. Ianto held him tight, occasionally turning his head just enough to place a soft kiss on Jack's head. Neither spoke.
They went through the entire playlist of six songs that Ianto had set up on his terminal, but even after the music stopped they simply stood and held each other.
"It's so late," Jack whispered after a while. "God, I wasn't going to… you wanted to go home and get some sleep."
"This was far more important," Ianto whispered, stroking Jack's hair. "Besides, no one's coming in until sometime after noon tomorrow. If we're still asleep it won't be the first time they've caught me sleeping in your bed."
Jack nodded, glad he didn't have to ask Ianto to stay. He'd hoped it was a foregone conclusion at this point, but he knew better than to take Ianto for granted. Ever. Even if he didn't always act like he knew it.
"Let's get you in bed," Ianto whispered as he took Jack's hand in his and led him over to the office. "Tomorrow will be better."
Jack smiled, knowing that for as long as he had someone he could confide in, that tomorrow actually would always be better than the days that came before Torchwood Three.