Chapter Text
Aziraphale sighed as he tossed his book onto his desk. It landed with an unsatisfied clunk. Aziraphale rubbed his face in his hands, pushing his fingers into his eyes with little circular motions, making into stars burst in the blackness. It was no good. He couldn’t read. Horrifying but true. Aziraphale couldn’t take in a single word. His mind was too full of Crowley. Achingly, painfully, full-to-bursting full of Crowley.
Aziraphale opened his eyes and his gaze flicked immediately over to the window. As if moved by an unseen force, he stood and stepped steadily forward, until he stood nose to glass. He stared out of window wistfully, to where the Bentley had been parked no more than an hour ago. As he sighed sigh after longing sigh, his breath hit the glass, condensing into little white clouds.
How had he let another opportunity slip through his fingers? Aziraphale’s hands found each other and began to twist as he continued to berate himself. He shook his head and moved over to the couch, sitting himself down in Crowley’s place, in the very spot that Crowley had warmed all evening. It was still just a little warm. Perhaps it wouldn’t be perceptible to a human. But Aziraphale could sense it. He leaned down, nose to the material and breathed in. Crowley’s scent filled his nostrils and he made a little whimpering noise.
Oh, why was it so hard to say? In the immediate aftermath of Armageddon, with the voice of Satan himself still ringing in their ears, it had all seemed so obvious. Actually saying it all—putting crude and rough words onto something so beautiful and wondrous and known—seemed utterly unnecessary, like pausing with every step to acknowledge the ground under your feet. And besides, in the aftermath of Armageddon it was all, quite frankly, too exhausting to contemplate. They were free. They knew what they were to each other. And it would all be expressed in every conceivable way in the fullness of time. It had seemed so very obvious.
It wasn’t as if they had made no declarations. They had declared themselves their own side, and those three little words meant as much to either of them as an I love you. It wasn’t as if their feelings hadn’t been expressed at all. They had held hands the whole bus ride home. Aziraphale smiled as he remembered the moment when they had both reached out, moving as one, fingers entwining. They hadn’t let go the whole journey through. Back at Crowley’s, they had climbed into bed together, cuddling up as they talked like it was the most natural thing in the world. And when Crowley had become sleepy Aziraphale had held him as he slept and Aziraphale had lightly dozed himself. There was no discussion of it. No agreement. It simply hadn’t been necessary.
In order to escape their fate, they had even shared the intimacy of swapping bodies—Aziraphale paused a moment as the memory of it made him shiver with pleasure. They had stripped off their outer skin, stood metaphysically naked in front of each other, and swapped. Spiritually, they had each put on the body of the other, as humans would swap clothing. Aziraphale had worn Crowley’s very body, the same body Crowley had been inhabiting since the very Beginning. He had walked about in the world with the physical of Crowley brushing up against his own spiritual skin. It was difficult to think of anything more intimate. It was difficult to think of anything more obvious. And it had all come so naturally, so easily. It had seemed quite superfluous to name it at the time.
But now, here they were, and it was all somehow, back to how it had always been. There was no holding of hands. There was no cuddling in bed. Aziraphale wanted to reach out. He longed for it desperately. But it was no longer natural or easy. There were no more declarations. And there was certainly nothing like the sweet intimacy of swapping bodies. No matter how much Aziraphale longed for it. Somehow, a gulf had opened between them. And Aziraphale could not understand why. Perhaps, the moment had simply been lost. Perhaps, it had been lost forever. Aziraphale, tears prickling at his eyes with this thought, sniffed, and, standing up carefully, began to pace.
There it was. There it was and Aziraphale had to face it: he had wasted the opportunity to give voice to his feelings because he had foolishly thought it unnecessary. But now, now he felt it very necessary indeed and yet he was tongue-tied. The words bubbled up inside him, desperate for release, but they jammed in his throat, and he choked on them. Aziraphale was free to speak. He was no longer shackled by Heaven. He no longer had a reason to keep his feelings hidden. He was free at last. He was free! But the freedom was terrifying. The wide-opened spaciousness of it threatened to crush him. All the certainty that he had felt in the aftermath of Armageddon had simply evaporated in the face of it. What if he was wrong? What if Crowley did not fully reciprocate all that Aziraphale felt? Aziraphale could no longer be certain. And he had to be certain, didn’t he? Crowley was all that Aziraphale had left now. He could not lose him. How could he risk that?
And yet…and yet, Aziraphale knew that he must. He had to tell him. He couldn’t keep living like this, surviving on a smile, subsisting on the little zing of fingers accidentally brushing against each other, measuring out every meeting, every phone call. Next time, he said to himself sternly. Next time he would come out and say it all. He had to confess.
A little ringing noise broke the silence in the bookshop and Aziraphale quickly turned to the left, smile brightening up his face, heart beating in anticipation. But Crowley was not there. Aziraphale frowned in confusion.
‘Hullo, Aziraphale.’
Aziraphale leapt in shock, eyes darting to his right, ‘Gabriel!’
Gabriel nodded and grinned a smarmy grin, ‘It’s been…well not that long really. A couple of months?’
‘You tried to destroy me!’ Aziraphale cried out as he stepped back. Immediately, his thoughts turned to Crowley. If Heaven was here for Aziraphale, then was Hell already at Crowley’s doorstep? His blood froze in his veins.
Gabriel shrugged and gestured it away with a wave of his hands, ‘Old policy. In fact, you’re back on the pay roll.’
‘I’m- I’m what?!’ Aziraphale replied with a hard gulp. ‘You mean you’re not here to- to…’
Gabriel shook his head.
‘And Crowley?’ Aziraphale said with soft desperation, wringing his hands.
‘Perfectly safe,’ Gabriel said with a smile, ‘Unlike you, doesn’t even have a visitor. In fact, Hell doesn’t know I’m here.’
Aziraphale breathed out a long shuddering sigh. Crowley was safe. Crowley was safe. He shifted his hands to his side, and then shifted them again to clasp each other behind his back. He stood tall, regaining his composure inch by inch. When he felt it in his grasp he spoke, ‘What do you want, then, Gabriel?’
Gabriel grinned, and gestured widely, like a game show presenter talking about the end of season prize, ‘Like I said, you’re back on the payroll and I’m here to give you your next mission.’
Aziraphale did not look impressed by the prize. His eyes narrowed and he replied with a bite of venom, ‘you tried to kill me.’
Gabriel shook his head slowly and sadly, eyes filled with what Gabriel imagined sincere regret might look like. He sighed deliberately, as if weighed down with it all. Then he shook his head again, ‘We all make mistakes. That’s the truth of it. I’m sure you understand that destroying you was the best course of action given Heavenly policy and knowledge at the time.’
‘I understand nothing of the sort,’ Aziraphale replied tightly.
Gabriel’s eyes narrowed, ‘Forgiveness is divine, Aziraphale,’ he said with a vague undertone of threat.
‘Is it?’ Aziraphale said tetchily, ‘that sounds like the kind of thing one should consider before forcing another angel into Hellfire.’
‘Yes, well, I’ve apologised, alright?’ Gabriel said with a sweeping, open gesture, ‘Let’s move on.’ He sighed, ‘Look, Aziraphale, there’s been some new…’ he paused and leaned forward, lavender eyes flashing as he whispered ‘revelations.’
‘Revelations?’ Aziraphale repeated, squeezing his hands together tightly, out of sight of Gabriel.
Gabriel nodded, ‘It turns out there was much we didn’t know, and it has been revealed to us now.’
What? Could the Almighty have spoken? Revealed some new part of her plan? Aziraphale’s heart thumped hard in his chest. Outrage still burned brightly inside him. But his curiosity was undeniably piqued and it proved too difficult to resist. He licked his lips, ‘What do you mean?’
Gabriel sighed. ‘I can hardly believe it myself. But it turns out it was all a test. And you passed, Aziraphale! You alone passed! Well, you and Crowley,’ Gabriel paused and frowned for a moment in thought. Then he smiled broadly again, ‘Well, that’s you alone too, I suppose!’
‘What?’ Aziraphale asked, brow furrowed, trying to make sense of it.
‘Can I shake your hand?’ Gabriel suddenly announced reaching out and grabbing Aziraphale’s hand and shaking it hard with a firm, almost painful grip before Aziraphale had the chance to reply, ‘Congratulations! Of all the angels, I never would have thought it’d be you,’ Gabriel shook his head and laughed as if Aziraphale passing God’s test was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard, ‘Perhaps softness is a virtue after all, Aziraphale?’
Aziraphale pulled his hand out of Gabriel’s, pursed his lips and said very carefully, ‘Gabriel, I don’t know what you are talking about.’
Gabriel nodded seriously, ‘No, no I suppose you don’t.’ He frowned and tapped his chin, trying to figure out how to explain it, ‘There’s been fresh revelation, Aziraphale. Revelation directly from the source.’
‘Oh,’ Aziraphale replied, eyes widening. So, God had spoken. God herself. And they hadn’t heard anything from her in so long. Oh, to hear her sweet voice again! Tears prickled in his eyes at the thought of it. ‘You mean f-from?’
‘Yes, she spoke to us all directly,’ Gabriel sighed, ‘all the angels. Well, except… you understand, we had to cut you off from the divine chorus when we…’ his voice trailed off and Aziraphale made a little desperate whimpering noise as he felt the loss of it.
‘But, oh, it was wondrous to hear her voice again,’ Gabriel carried out obliviously, ‘Such a shame you missed it,’ his lavender eyes flicked to Aziraphale and he belatedly noticed his pain. He cleared his throat, ‘Yes, well. Anyway, it turns out, the whole end of the world thing was a bit of a test. A test for us, you see. And we thought she was only testing the humans! You know, she’s always had a sense of humour,’ Gabriel chuckled and shook his head, ‘And you, well, you were the only one who passed. You tried to stop it, you see. Turns out, that was what we were meant to do,’ he frowned as if he still couldn’t quite see it. A moment later he waved the problem away, ‘So, the question is Aziraphale, why you? Why you of all the angels? I mean, and don’t take this the wrong way, but you’ve never been much of a highflyer.’
Aziraphale frowned and squeezed his own hands together to keep his composure. He had no comeback for that. It was true. He had tried. He had tried extremely hard in the old days, had all kinds of ambitions. But he had never impressed, never truly succeeded. He was always, well, bumbling through.
‘Not very popular either,’ Gabriel added with a little shake of his head.
Aziraphale’s heart squeezed at the old wound re-pierced. That was true too. None of the angels had ever really understood Aziraphale. In the old days, he had longed for companionship so very deeply he had thought he’d burn out from the need. The only being who ever truly understood Aziraphale was, well, it was Crowley.
Gabriel shook his head in wonderment and laughed again. ‘Of all the angels, I’d have never picked you, Aziraphale. None of us would. So, why did you managed to pass a test that the very highest in Heaven failed? How did you alone fathom the Almighty’s true ineffable plan?’ Gabriel paused a moment for dramatic effect, ‘Well, turns out she had an answer for that too.’
‘She did?’ Aziraphale mouthed, forehead creasing, lip wobbling ever so slightly as his hands clenched, fingernails digging into flesh, the pain keeping him steady. He couldn’t comprehend how or why the Lord had seemingly singled him out now. Gabriel was right. He was a nobody. A pathetic excuse for an angel.
Gabriel sighed and sat himself down on the couch, right in Crowley’s spot, right where Crowley usually slouched. Aziraphale bristled at the sight. Aziraphale thought it felt rather like watching a stranger brush their teeth with his toothbrush. An unwelcome and invasive intimacy. Aziraphale imagined Crowley’s scent becoming tainted with that of Gabriel—if he were to sniff the couch again after Gabriel left who would he smell, he thought to himself— and he grimaced.
‘She did,’ Gabriel continued, oblivious to Aziraphale’s discomfort, ‘and, oh, Aziraphale, it was even more shocking than finding out that you alone passed the test,’ Gabriel said, shaking his head again.
‘It was?’ Aziraphale said shakily. Right now, he could think of nothing more shocking.
Gabriel sighed and shook his head again, ‘The war, Aziraphale. It was…well…’ he laughed manically, ‘Aziraphale, it was a lie.’
‘What?’ Aziraphale said with a gulp. The war in Heaven was one of the most basic facts of Aziraphale’s existence. Before the Beginning, there had been a war in Heaven. Everybody knew that. God had cast out the rebels and now there were angels and demons and he, he was an angel. It was a basic fact that coloured his whole world, that had coloured his whole world for six thousand years. Aziraphale licked his lips, ‘How could that be?’
Gabriel sighed, ‘well, not entirely a lie. There was a war in Heaven. We were at war with each other. But…’ Gabriel’s eyes fluttered shut and he grimaced. He took several deep breaths and opened them again, ‘Aziraphale, the Almighty did not cast half of all the angels into Hell, splitting the Heavenly body in two. The Almighty split each one of us down the centre and cast half of each of us into Hell.’
Aziraphale’s eyes blinked rapidly as he struggled to understand. ‘She- she- what? Gabriel, I don’t understand…’
‘Don’t you see?’ Gabriel said with a wave of his hand, ‘each of us is part of a pair, a pair that belong together, a pair that used to be one and the same being and the Almighty herself declared that your other half is, well… it is Crowley.’
‘I…’ Aziraphale gulped, mouth suddenly dry, hands shaking just a little in the grip of the other. Crowley, dear Crowley, who fit Aziraphale like a hand in a glove, who complimented him and brought out the best in him, who was his perfect opposite and yet, somehow, more like Aziraphale than anyone else he had ever met. It made sense and he couldn’t deny it. It made a terrifying amount of sense. He shook his head anyway, ‘No…no…that’s…Gabriel you must be mistaken. You must have misunderstood.’
‘Crowley is your other half, your demonic half…’ Gabriel continued with dramatic volume and ignoring Aziraphale’s shock, ‘our demonic halves are part of us, Aziraphale. They are the only one who can make us whole.’
Aziraphale shook his head rapidly, heart beating just as rapidly in his chest. Gabriel couldn’t know what he was saying, he couldn’t know what the phrase other half meant. He certainly couldn’t know how very accurately it described Aziraphale’s feelings for Crowley. Not even Crowley understood that.
Gabriel sighed, ‘And so it is clear, isn’t it, why you alone passed the test? You’ve been stationed on Earth, with Crowley, with your demonic half, for all this time. And you met up with him didn’t you, Aziraphale? You met up with him over and over again? Had some kind of friendship, didn’t you?’
Aziraphale’s eyes widened and he shook his head quickly, reaching automatically for old, familiar lies, ‘of course not, Gabriel. No, no, never. I barely know him. He’s a demon.’
‘It’s alright,’ Gabriel said with a sigh, ‘we know you did. We know you had an alliance of sorts. Of course, you did, he is your other half. He’s your demon. You’d have been drawn in. Drawn in ways you simply couldn’t control. The Almighty made that very clear. It’s how you know they are your demonic half, you see. In the circumstances it all makes sense and we can’t very well hold it against you. Not when God herself says that it was inevitable. Not when God herself says your relationship with Crowley his what allowed you to pass her test.’
Aziraphale bit his lip hard. Was this true? Had he been so powerfully drawn to Crowley because Crowley was his other half? Was that what had been happening all this time? He couldn’t deny being drawn to him from the very Beginning. Why, even that very first meeting. A demon, the serpent had appeared next to Aziraphale and Aziraphale hadn’t done anything of the things he ought to have done. He hadn’t driven him out of the garden or tried to destroy him or knocked him off the wall. Why, he hadn’t even walked away. Oh, no. Aziraphale had talked to the demon and he’d sheltered him from the rain. For a long time, Aziraphale had thought that his feelings for Crowley were just another example of his weakness and failings as an angel. After Armageddon, Aziraphale had accepted that he wasn’t the brilliant angel he’d originally hoped to become. But, what if, what if, his feelings were truly inevitable? What if they were God-given?
‘You alone had access to your whole self, Aziraphale,’ Gabriel said. He looked away, staring at the bookshelves, ‘I’m actually a bit envious,’ he mouthed to no one in particular.
Aziraphale looked back at Gabriel in shock, his superior’s strange behaviour throwing Aziraphale out of his own thoughts, but the moment of vulnerability had already passed. Gabriel nodded decisively, ‘And that’s your next assignment. You’re to get closer to Crowley. Get to know him better, take things a step or two further.’
‘Further?’ Aziraphale repeated, eyes widening.
‘Follow your instincts, Aziraphale,’ Gabriel added with a wink, ‘God was quite clear that you would know what to do. She equipped us with instincts, just as she did with the humans. Ways to get closer, to become one with each other.’ Gabriel’s voice trailed off. He grinned wildly, ‘So, I dare say you already know what to do. You just need to get on with it.’
Aziraphale blanched.
‘I’ll pop back in a bit. See how you are getting on with the…’ Gabriel waved to fingers about in a gesture that Aziraphale suspected was supposed to be indecent. Or maybe that was just him. Aziraphale flushed a deep shade of red at the suspected implication regardless.
‘Oh, and one more thing,’ Gabriel added, with a raised finger, ‘The revelation was for Heaven only. Our other halves know nothing of this. Although they are our demonic halves, we must understand this new knowledge fully before we reveal it to them. It is a delicate matter. If us angels have difficulty getting our heads around it how much harder will it be for them? So schtum, huh? You are in the unique position of being able to get closer to your other half without suspicion and without needing to declare the latest revelation. You understand, don’t you, Aziraphale?’
Aziraphale gulped, ‘I- I suppose I can…’
‘They are composed of the bits of ourselves that would have driven us from God,’ Gabriel shook his head in awe, ‘they were damned so that we might be saved, you understand?’
Aziraphale’s heart tore in two and he gasped. Of course, of course that’s what this meant. Crowley had saved Aziraphale too many times to count. Was this true? Had he saved him right from the Beginning with his very existence? Aziraphale bit hard down on his lower lip. But then, all of Crowley’s suffering, his torment in Hell, that suffering was meant for Aziraphale. He was meant to share in that with him. Aziraphale’s heart tore in two.
‘They will not trust this revelation,’ Gabriel continued on, not giving Aziraphale a moment to process any of it, ‘It is in their nature not to trust, not to have faith and we cannot hold it against them, can we?’
‘No, no I don’t suppose we can,’ Aziraphale replied, voice wavering as he considered Crowley’s likely reaction if he simply dumped all of this in front of him. Gabriel was right. He wouldn’t believe it. He’d suspect Gabriel of manipulation. Why he’d suspect God herself. Better for Aziraphale to simply tell him his feelings first. Even if Crowley didn’t reciprocate, that he could, at the very least, believe. And once he believed that, Aziraphale could explain about the revelation.
‘You understand now how critical this mission is?’ Gabriel said, eyes narrowing, taking in Aziraphale’s reaction and measuring it carefully, ‘you hold the very salvation of Hell in your hands. As we become whole again, they’ll be able to know God again. We’ll raise them up with our divine love!’
‘Oh,’ Aziraphale gasped. But of course. He could spare Crowley any further suffering.
‘You alone can find a way to get through to our other halves, a way to make us all whole again,’ Gabriel continued building up momentum, ‘And that, Aziraphale, is what the Lord herself now commands us to do.’
Aziraphale nodded quickly, the pressure of it coming down upon him and settling uncomfortably in his stomach like a poorly disgusted meal. He understood. Oh, yes. He understood perfectly.
Gabriel grinned with satisfaction, ‘I knew you’d get it. You were never a highflyer but you always tried, huh, Aziraphale? You always tried.’ He laughed and gestured widely, ‘And look at you now! The lives of millions resting on your shoulders! You and you alone are the final hope of both Heaven and Hell!’ And with that final thought shared Gabriel clicked his fingers and disappeared.
Aziraphale was alone once again. The London traffic hummed outside, humanity continuing on oblivious to the new revelations that were tearing through Heaven, that had flipped the life of an angel on its head. Aziraphale fell back in his chair, heart thumping wildly. He licked his dry lips and tried to still his shaking hands. A moment later they were twisting in his lap. How could this be? Oh, dear God above, how could this be?