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mine to hold as i'm holding you now

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It’s the sunlight peeking in through his curtains that finally wakes Kurosawa in the early hours of the morning. His limbs still feel heavy from exhaustion from the last night’s festivities, but there’s something warm burning in his chest as Adachi nestles himself closer to him. His head rests right underneath Kurosawa’s chin and refusing to give up his hold around his torso as he tries to hide from the inevitability of finally waking up. Kurosawa looks at him for a long time, nearly unbelieving of the fact that he’s there if it weren’t for the full-body ache he can feel all the way to his bones and the love marks littering the other’s collar. Brushing Adachi’s hair to the side, he presses a soft kiss on his fiancé’s forehead. He strokes his soft, messy hair and rubs circles into the small of his back lovingly with his other hand. He can’t help the smile that quickly grows on his face.

Most years, he’d be invited to the company New Year’s party that the higher-ups throw for themselves and a few lucky employees. He’d show up, not having anywhere better to go and figuring he’d take advantage of the situation anyway, networking with his bosses to try to prove for the millionth time that there’s more to him than just his face. Eventually, the countdown would start, and someone he had just met would ask to share a New Year’s kiss with him, sometimes half-joking, sometimes not. Kurosawa would reject the offer politely either way, his signature smiling masking his wish that he was anywhere but here. He’d have one more glass of champagne, say his goodbyes all while being pressed to stay for a grueling moment longer, and eventually make his way back home to end the night alone. Somehow, he’d always feel emptier than how he had arrived.

Christmas day, he approached the chief and apologetically informed him he can’t make it to the celebration after all despite confirming he’d go only two days ago, explaining to the chief that his family had last-minute New Year’s Eve plans this year. He hated lying but feeling the red and gold pen he cherished so much weighing against his breast pocket reminded him that it wasn’t exactly a lie. Besides his sister, Adachi was the closest thing he’s come to family in a long time.

 


 

Adachi arrived at Kurosawa’s apartment late in the afternoon, standing at his entryway and wearing a plain, oversized light blue cotton sweater and tan casual pants. The sleeves of the sweater were a bit too long, as they usually were, and his hair, while combed, was a bit messy. He probably ruffled his hair on the way here out of nerves. Kurosawa thought he looked absolutely beautiful.

 

It wasn’t until much later that they finally sat down to eat, the night’s dinner preparations taking much longer than expected due to the many stolen kisses and teasing that distracted them along the way. This was by far the simplest New Year’s Eve Kurosawa had ever had. He was used to long tables full of expensive food, much of which could go uneaten. Their New Year’s meal, however, consisted mainly of soba and variations of their favorite foods. Kurosawa insisted on making more complicated dishes for their New Year’s together, but Adachi reassured him that he’d be happy with this. That sentiment was confirmed when Adachi took his first bite, exclaiming a heartfelt “Yum!” with a bright and content smile. Kurosawa couldn’t help but laugh, the joy growing in his heart growing too big to contain or to express in any other way. Later on, when Kurosawa had Adachi wrapped in his arms as they sat on the couch watching Ragna Crimson episodes, he’d ask why he was so satisfied with such a plain New Year’s celebration. For weeks, he had pitched his grand ideas to Adachi to make their first New Year’s together special. But in the end, all his fiancé wanted was a simple night in. The question wasn’t meant to be serious, but Adachi stayed silent for a few moments, biting his lip as he thought over his answer.

“I never really felt the excitement of New Years,” he started, “For a long time, the years had blurred together. I usually spent it by myself, really. My family lives far away and Tsuge usually had to go to some writers’ event.”. Adachi fiddled with the sleeves of his sweater nervously. Kurosawa almost told him it’s okay if he didn’t want to get into it until Adachi took a breath and turned his body slightly to look at him directly, a determined look on his face. “My life became a blur. Nothing in it stood out, and so I didn’t see a difference either way. But, this year, I get it now. I’m excited for what next year will bring me, and for us, and this is enough for me. To be with you is enough for me.”

It took him a moment to regain his senses after hearing Adachi’s words, but once he did, he kissed Adachi deeply, gently holding his face in his hands and feeling as if all this love would swallow him up if he didn’t do anything about it. He’d gone too long already keeping himself from what he had longed for all these aching years.

When the clock finally struck midnight, it was Adachi that kissed him first as the smaller man pulled him in by the collar, kissing him in between laughs. He could listen to that laugh for years on end and never tire of it, he thought to himself. Soon, Adachi’s demeanor changed into something more serious, something heavier when Kurosawa expressed his thoughts, pulling him into the bedroom with a hungry look in his eyes. There, Kurosawa whispered against Adachi’s skin his wishes for the next few years, how he wanted Adachi by his side always, how we wanted them both to be happy and healthy, how he wished more than anything that Adachi would continue to let him be this close to him for the rest of his life. If Adachi couldn’t hear his thoughts anymore, Kurosawa was determined to let him know how immensely loved he was. He’d voice everything he was afraid to say for the past 7 years if it meant Adachi would never doubt that he was worth being adored. It was through breathless gasps that Adachi told him he had wished for the same thing.

 


 

As the sunlight peeks in through Kurosawa’s curtains with the promise of a new beginning and the man he thought he’d never have lies in peaceful sleep with his head resting over his heart, Kurosawa feels hopeful for the new year for the first time in an exhaustingly long time.