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Dirtbag Beowulf

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UNFERTH: dude there's a monster attacking your hall
HROTHGAR: [picking his teeth] ok
UNFERTH: yeah it's killing all your guys
HROTHGAR: wow
UNFERTH: and no one can kill it
HROTHGAR: that's fucking fascinating
UNFERTH: maybe you should get off your royal ass and do something about it
HROTHGAR: maybe you should let it kill you too jackass

BEOWULF: hey so like
i'm here
to save your ass
or whatever
HROTHGAR: it's been twelve years what the fuck took you so long
BEOWULF: it takes a long time to get this pretty

BEOWULF: remind me why you can't handle this shit yourself
HROTHGAR: because
like
fuck you that's why
BEOWULF: [eyeroll]

UNFERTH: who's the tool
BEOWULF: [offers UNFERTH a cigarette]
UNFERTH: pssh
BEOWULF: jerkwad

GRENDEL: oh what
are you gonna try to stick a sword in me or something
BEOWULF: are we gonna fight or are you gonna whine
GRENDEL: your mom's gonna whine
BEOWULF: nuh-uh your mom's face is gonna whine
GRENDEL: what
BEOWULF: your mom's butt is gonna whine
GRENDEL: what the fuck
[punches BEOWULF in the face]
BEOWULF: did your mom teach you how to fight too

BEOWULF: hey i like slew that greasy murdery dude for you
HROTHGAR: cool
let's have a party i guess
and you should be my foster-son or whatever
BEOWULF: cool
WEALHTHEOW: great more bros

SKALD: i sing of the glorious--
BEOWULF: [puts in earbuds]
SKALD: but there's a dragon
BEOWULF: have you ever listened to sublime

BEOWULF: so apparently i'm supposed to kill you too
GRENDEL'S MOTHER: fucking kids
did you kill grendel
BEOWULF: yeah
GRENDEL'S MOTHER: gay
BEOWULF: whatevs [kills GRENDEL'S MOTHER]

BEOWULF: i killed the other monster
which you didn't actually tell me about
dick
HROTHGAR: i know you are but what am i

SKALD: i have another song
BEOWULF: [heavy sigh]

WEALHTHEOW: ok go home now
BEOWULF: fine whatever [grabs a fancy sword on the way out]

[FIFTY YEARS LATER]

BEOWULF: didn't sublime have a song about a dragon
DRAGON: [kills BEOWULF]