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such a shift

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Tommy stares at his dull ceiling. Despite it being about 2 am in the morning, he still hasn’t fallen asleep. His eyes just didn’t feel heavy nor did he feel any tired.

He sighed, closing his eyes and trying to shift his body into a more comfortable position. His head lied on his pillow with his body lying on his right side, hands brought up and tucked under his pillow. He pulled his knees closer to his chest, his back arching slightly. He laid in that position for several seconds before his eyes shot open.

He couldn’t force himself to sleep. Groaning in frustration, he turned stretched his body, going back to his original position previously. He raised his left arm and brought it over to his bedside table to get his phone. He felt the cold metal come into contact with his warmer skin, barely shivering at the transfer of heat. He grabbed his phone, but something tugged it back, preventing him from taking it away from the table. He begrudgingly brought his right hand to pull the white cable that attached to his phone out.

After doing so, he let the cable fall and didn't care about it further. He faced his black screen, contemplating if he should use his phone or go back to “sleep”. He decided to go with the former and clicked on his side button, making his screen turn from coal black to a bright red colour.

Red was his favourite colour, why would it not be in his lock screen wallpaper?

His phone recognised his face via Face ID and immediately unlocked itself. He swiped up, looking at the app he was previously on - discord.

He scrolled through his DMs to refresh his memory a bit;

Eret
How are you coping?

TommyInnit
Not so good, big man. I think I’ll just lie down and try to calm myself down a bit

Eret
Just remember that you’re like a younger sibling to me, okay? Your gender is yours and no one should ever have a say in it :)

TommyInnit
I know, thanks, Eret.

Eret
Anytime, Toms!

 

Tommy released a shaky breath, and ran a hand through his tangled and messy dirty blonde hair. His phone screen dimmed and eventually became black once again due to inactivity. He placed it back at his bedside table before doing anything else. He then inhaled a sharp breath, sitting up and crawled over to the bedside, slowly getting off his bed. A cold breeze washed over his warm body, causing him to shiver at the sudden contact. He walked over to his bedroom door, turning the doorknob carefully to prevent his parents from waking up. He then walked out stealthily towards to bathroom.

He stared into himself in the mirror. Dark circles surrounded his eyes, skin unusually pale and lips were chapped. He twisted the sink tap and water gushed out and down into the sink. He brought his hands down and splashed his face with the collected water. Profusely rubbing his face, ignoring the stinging pain caused by friction. The loud sound of water hitting the sink added to his frustration.

Tommy hesitantly stopped his rubbing and immediately closed the tap, he didn’t want the water bill to be too high. He stared back at the mirror, his skin was no more pale and now was a vibrant pinkish-red. He frowned, something heavy pressed against his chest - something he didn’t realise he was experiencing until then.

He got sick of looking at his ugly face, starting to feel some bile rising up to his throat. He pushed it back down and cupped his mouth. He turned his gaze away from the cursed mirror. He sighed in frustration, making his way back to his dark room.

When his body was embraced by the warmth his bed provided, he snuggled closer. Then, he starting crying. Soft sobs escaped his lips, wiping every tear that rolled down his rosy cheeks. Why was he crying? He had no reason to cry.

After probably a few hours of crying, he finally was too exhausted to stay awake anymore. His energy depleted from all the tears. Before he succumbed to darkness, he faintly remembered looking out his window to see the crack of dawn, which was probably at around 5 or 6 am.

Tommy stirred awake, his mind hazy from sleep. He felt something shift in himself, but paid no mind to the feeling. He groaned and sat up, hastily searching his bedside table for his phone. He snatched it and clicked the side button to check the time.

11:27 AM

His eyes shot open once he registered the time in his mind. 11 am? That was about 6 hours of sleep, sufficient enough. Wait, didn’t he have to join a SBI scheduled call at 11.30 am? His eyes widened in realisation, that was in 3 minutes! He scrambled to get out of bed and rushed over to the to the bathroom.

He quickly brushed his teeth and fixed his bed hair. He stared at himself in the mirror and finally wanted to figure out the shift he had felt earlier.

“He,” he heard a raspy voice - probably his.

He felt a weird prickling sensation on his skin. Silence befalling onto the enclosed space.

“Tommy, eret says that you are like a little brother,” he filled the silence.

At his statement, his body instinctively flinched. He frowned at this.

Switch to what, then?

His eyes then widened again, coming to a realisation that he was probably already late to the call. He shook his head, making a mental note to carry on this train of thoughts after the call.

He hastily walked back to his room, started up his PC and sat down on his swivel chair. He opened Discord and went to the personal discord he and his friends were in. He saw Tubbo, Wil, Techno and Phil in VC 1. He clicked the voice channel after taking deep breaths in and out to mentally prepare himself.

His ears were bombarded by the loud voices of his friends, wincing slightly. He cleared his throat loudly and coughed a bit.

“AYEEE, MY FRIENDSS!” He exclaimed loudly, exaggerating each word.

He heard some “Tommy!” and “Toms!” in response, even an “Aye, Mate.”

“Aye, Big Man!” He heard Tubbo say cheerfully.

He visibly flinched at that, at least they weren’t on a video call.

“A-aye, Big T..!” He slowly said, trying his best to make it sound at least cheerful and excited.

The rest caught on to his shift in tone.

“Are you okay, Tommy?” Wilbur asked, genuine concern laced his words. Tubbo and Phil hummed in acknowledgment to the question.

Tommy panicked slightly. He glanced at the pink, white, purple, black and blue flag sticker that was stuck on the corner of his monitor. He hasn’t come out to his friends yet, hasn’t he? Well, except Eret.

“E-erm, it’s really nothing!” He stuttered a bit, chuckling nervously at the end. He could practically hear the frown that his friends’ faces had.

“Hmm, if you say so. But if you ever want to talk about anything, we’re here for you,” Phil spoke up, backed up by the sounds of agreement by the three others in the call.

Tommy smiled at the care his friends showed.

“Thanks,” he whispered.

“Erm, I think I’ll go for now, I’ll come back, don’t worry! Sorry guys!” He quickly apologised and left the call.

He then sighed and went to his and Eret’s DMs.

TommyInnit
Ya free rn?

Tommy silently waited for Eret to respond, constantly checking on his status. He saw grey turn to green and his face lit up. He saw Eret typing and awaited his response.

Eret
Yeah! You wanna call?

Tommy didn’t need to respond as he quickly clicked on the call button. His discord rang before a ‘Ding!’ was heard, which indicated that someone picked up.

“Hello?” He heard a familiar and soothing deep voice enter his eardrums.

“Eret!” Tommy responded, genuinely excited at the other’s presence.

“Hey, Tommy! What’s up?”

“Hey, uh, I kinda switched this morning...” he started, voice getting softer as he spoke more.

“Oh? Do you know to which?”

He made a disagreeing sound as a reply.

“Hmm, Tara, I see you as a younger sister, you are a very big woman,” Eret said.

Tommy frowned at this. He - is still a he? - felt wrong even thinking about being a female at the moment.

“No- no, god, no- N-not Tara today...” Tommy replied, heaving a shaky sigh.

“Tommy is like a younger sibling to me, they are very funny and if anyone hates on them, I will personally hunt that person down.” His tone had a hint of hope.

Finally, Tommy finally felt at peace. Like they had just won an inner war with themself that they didn’t know of. Relief overtook their senses and the invisible weight that laid on their chest was lifted. Their mind felt lighter and they felt like they could breath properly again, as if they weren’t already.

They sighed in pure relief, “Y-Yeah, I think that’s about right.”

“Glad to be of help!” Eret’s words were coated with pure and genuine love and care.

Tommy chuckled softly, muttering several words of thanks continuously for their friend’s help.

“Anytime,” they heard Eret say before they decided to end the call.

They looked back at the discord server, seeing that the three other SBI members had not left the voice channel yet.

Tommy took a while to get their thoughts and emotions in check, they had literally just been on a rollercoaster of emotions with Eret. They moved their cursor to hover over the VC’s name. They tried to calm their racing heart but failed miserably.

Giving up with a sigh of defeat, they clicked the channel name and joined the VC.

“Welcome back!”

They recalled the supportive words of their parents and Eret. Even if their best friends don’t accept them, they have their parents and Eret. Even though that’s what they wouldn’t want to happen...

“Tommy?” They heard Wilbur’s caramel voice break the silence that had previously filled the call.

Tommy sighed and steeled their resolves.

“Erm guys?” They started slowly.

“Mm?” Techno responded, surprisingly.

They sighed once more.

“I’m genderfluid...” They said, bracing themself for any possible hate or disgust.

“Guys?” Dream said spoke up.

“Yeah?” Eret replied.

Some members of the Dream SMP were in the voice call. Dream was the only one streaming at the time, but was streaming a chill stream with a Q&A segment.

“Someone asked if there was any canonically LGBT+ or Trans character; how do I answer?” He asked nervously.

“I’m not very well-educated in these kind of topics so I do not wish to disrespect anyone from the community,” he clarified.

“Well, I don’t think anyone is canonically part of the LGBT+ community, if the person is asking for the actual people, there are LGBT+ members in the Dream SMP. Oh! Technically, Fundy is a fox and it is said that furries usually identify as Trans. This is what I know, I am not a reliable source,” Eret paused to take a breath before continuing, “So, Fundy’s character might as well be considered Trans? If Fundy is comfortable with that, of course!” He finished, proud for sharing his knowledge with others.

“W-Wow. That’s a lot to take in. So, my character is technically Trans? I mean, I don’t want to offend any Trans people as I myself am not Trans in real life,” Fundy commented.

“I don’t think you’re offending anyone, actually. It’s just your character, your persona, and not you yourself. You aren’t being offensive or something, so I don’t think you’re being offensive or some shit,” Tommy blurted out in response instinctively.

Shit, they did not mean to say anything. It was like a natural reaction. Was that something a normal Cis man would say? Hopefully...

“Huh, well, bigmenwinthese, I think your question was answered!” Dream said with exaggerated cheer.

Tommy sighed in relief.

Their mind wandered and they remembered the time they had came out to the other SBI members a couple days back. They recalled how supportive they were and accepted them immediately. They adapted to their gender and pronoun changes.

Tommy didn’t realise how long they had spaced out for until they heard the concerned voices of their friends.

“W-what?” They asked in confusion.

“Tommy! You didn’t answer Fundy’s question and we got worried,” Tubbo’s words only held concern and worry for his best friend.

“Yeah... Was just.. thinking!” They tried to lighten the mood by chuckling at the end.

However, they stopped once they heard no one laugh with them. Their face contorted into a slight frown and crossed their arms. They released a sigh.

At the corner of their eye, they saw that their open tab on their other monitor that was showing Dream’s livestream had stopped. They refreshed the page and found out that Dream had stopped the stream.

How long had they been spacing out for?

They shook their head and cleared their head of any thoughts.

“What was the question again, Fundy?”

“I was just wondering why you answered me, ya know? I was kinda expecting Eret to continue but I didn’t know you kinda knew about the LGBT+ Community,” Fundy softly said, “I mean, not to be rude or anything! Just was shocked, is all-“ He quickly added.

Tommy saw a notification pop up from their and Eret’s DMs:

Eret
You don’t have to, Toms! Come out when you want to, okay?”

Tommy smiled at Eret’s supportiveness and their unnecessary worrying in their mind ceased. For further comfort, they looked at the cute little sticky note they had decorated and pasted on the wall right above their middle monitor.

“Am I a girl?
I am,
Am I a boy?
I am,
Am I non-binary?
I am,
What am I?
Genderfluid.”

Tiny hearts and stars surrounded the text. At the top right corner of the note, they had drawn small flag that consisted of pink, white, purple, black and blue.

Despite being so silent, everyone else had waited for Tommy to respond. They weren’t forcing them to respond so quickly or something.

“Why would I not know of the community I’m a part of?” Tommy smugly said, a smirk displayed on their face, though unseen by the other people present in the call.

Silence filled the call once again, other than the several faint gasps that escaped some people’s mouths.

“You’re..?” Fundy choked out, still in disbelief.

Tommy sighed, they knew they wouldn’t be so accepting. It was all just a dumb little fairy tale.

“Genderfluid...” They whispered, twirling their short blonde bangs.

“T-that’s awesome!” Fundy replied after snapping out of his disbelief.

“Yeah! I think it’s pretty pog and thanks so much for telling us, Tommy!” Dream piped in.

“Proud of ya, mate.” Phil added, pride evident in his tone.

“Congrats!” Tubbo and Wilbur exclaimed excitedly.

“Good job, Toms,” Eret said fondly.

Tommy couldn’t hear the rest of the sweet words of support, care and love as tears had welled up in their eyes hand they had focused on that more. They were a bit overwhelmed by the sheer amount of support they were receiving. They were fucking grateful.

“Wha- T-thank you guys so fucking much...” Tommy managed to choke out and sniffed, tears rolling down their cheeks freely.

They didn’t deserve this much support and yet they did already receive it. They had such good friends.

“Thank you so, so, so, so, so fucking much,” Tommy whispered, it felt so surreal.

They wished to be in that state of euphoria forever.

But dysphoria will come back to haunt them again after euphoria.