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The Ultimate Group Chat

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space_alien has created the server

space_alien has named the server The Ultimate Groupchat

space_alien: sup folks

calculust: heyyyy

space_alien: everyone say their name pronouns and sexuality

space_alien: i'm janis she/her pronouns and i'm gay as fuck

Massive_Deal: Nice word choice. I'm Regina and I'm a lesbian so I use she/her pronouns

calculust: i'm cady!!! i use she/her pronouns and i'm bisexual

a-aron: aaron he/him bisexual

toogaytofunction: i'm damian, he/him pronouns and uh. what the username says

discoball: gretchen she/her pan

mynameiskaren: karen she/they and idk i just like gretchen ;-)

discoball: aw thx babe <3

lesbean: i'm emma and i'm a lesbian

alyssa_greeene: i'm alyssa and i'm also a lesbian

gothy-teen: lydia she/her and uhhh girls

space_alien: mood

Tree_Boy: i'm evan he/him anxiety

kiNkY: anxiety isn't a sexuality dumbass

Tree_Boy: fine bisexual

kiNkY: i'm the insanely cool jared kleinman i use he/him pronouns and i'm gayyyyy

idc: connor he/him demigay

zoeee: Zoe she/her bisexual

Alana_Beck: My name is Alana Beck, I’m a pansexual female.

theyellowone: hi everyone! im heather mcnamara, I use she/her pronouns and im a lesbian

thegreenone: heather duke she/her ace

theredone: I’m Heather Chandler, my pronouns are she/her, and I’m a lesbian.

ronicaaa: heather your username looks like there done lol

theredone has changed their username to the_red_one

ronicaaa: aw you ruined it :-(

ronicaaa: anyway I’m veronica im bisexual and I use she/her pronouns

toogaytofunction: wait a hot second

toogaytofunction: you’re all named heather???

thegreenone: yup

theyellowone: it’s about as confusing as it sounds

the_red_one: That's why we have these usernames. Heather M wears yellow, Heather D wears green, and I wear red.

a-aron: all the time? those are the only colors you wear?

space_alien: it's their aesthetic

space_alien: ronnie wears blue

Massive_Deal: That's... interesting.

space_alien: ANYWAY

space_alien: any more introductions?

rainbow123: just me! i'm martha, i use she/her pronouns, and i'm ace

space_alien: cool beans

Massive_Deal: Janis, how the actual fuck do you know all these people?

space_alien: i spend a lot of time dming random ppl ok

space_alien: veronica's my cousin, the heathers and martha are her friends. emma is caddy's cousin, alyssa's her gf. evan is damian's cousin, zoe alana connor and jared are his friends. oh, and zoe and connor are brother and sister. and um. lydia is this girl that i definitely didn't hook up with once at a party in sophmore year and have been texting ever since 

gothy-teen: she's lying we definitely did do that lol

space_alien: but we're just friends now

space_alien: in case anyone was wondering

toogaytofunction: she means you cady

space_alien: whatttt no i don't that's crazyyy

calculust: ???

the_red_one: This sounds like something we're gonna hear about later. But I just need to make sure I have this right: not a single person here is straight??? How is that possible? Also why so many cousins?

ronicaaa: gay cousins have deep emotional connections man idk what to tell u

the_red_one: Fair enough.

space_alien: also how dare you imply that any of us would ever be friends with straight people

toogaytofunction: like, i support the hets,,, but i just don't like it when they have to show their affection in public, ya know? 

lesbean: right! like we already gave them the right to get married, what more do they want

alyssa_greeene: omg ikr! it's so annoying

idc: i hate it when they make it their entire personality

zoeee: it's ridiculous! like i support their lifestyle, it just makes me kind of uncomfortable

gothy-teen: i just don't think i could ever be friends with one, like it's too weird

kiNkY: i mean i think i could, just as long as she didn't get a crush on ME or anything weird like that

calculust: omg yes i hate it when straight guys get crushes on me! it's so weird!

space_alien: um caddy you're bi shouldn't that not matter

calculust: :-0000 i'm offended that you think my standards are low enough to date a straight guy

space_alien: you dated aaron???

a-aron: JANIS

a-aron: RUDE

space_alien: oh sorry i forgot you're bi

a-aron: I Am Hurt

ronicaaa: way to go, jan

toogaytofunction: you broke aaron

a-aron: actually i was already broken lol

thegreenone: mood

discoball: wait hold up

discoball: we don't all live in chicago do we?

Tree_Boy: nah jared connor zoe alana and i live in upstate new york

lesbean: alyssa and i are from indiana

gothy-teen: connecticut

ronicaaa: ohio

a-aron: sooo no group sleepovers then

the_red_one: What a tragedy. I don't ever have to be cooped up with these people overnight. How ever will I continue living?

theyellowone: heather!!! be nice >:-(

the_red_one: Right. Nice controls now engaged.

ronicaaa: how did someone this nerdy ever become head of the popular clique?

the_red_one: The same way you got into it. By selling my soul.



space_alien: what soul?

calculust: knew she'd say it

space_alien: sorry couldn't resist

toogaytofunction: you never can smh

space_alien: ...shut up

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The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:00 am

calculust: WAIT

calculust: i have a question

kiNkY: ???

calculust: actually it’s really just for janis and lydia but

kiNkY: i have been clickbaited

calculust: sorry jared 

space_alien: helloooo everyone can calm down now im here

kiNkY: no one was at all concerned but ok

space_alien: shut up jared

space_alien: what’s your question caddy

calculust: how did you and lydia meet if she lives in connecticut??? you said you met at a party but that doesn’t make sense

gothy-teen: oh oh can i answer this please janis?

space_alien: sure

gothy-teen: ok so my dad had to take a work trip to chicago and he wouldn’t let me stay home alone so i had to come with, and i was really mad at him for making me come so I decided to sneak out one night and go to a party that I’d heard some local kids talking about and *drumroll* the party was at regina’s house and janis was there

Massive_Deal: How did I not know that some goth chick crashed my party?

gothy-teen: ummm idk youre just dumb ig

space_alien: hahaaa she’s right you totally are

Massive_Deal: Shut up.

toogaytofunction: um why is no one asking the most important question here????

kiNkY: which is???

toogaytofunction: what the fuck was janis doing at regina’s party

lesbean: wait im confused why is it weird that janis was at regina’s party 

calculust: bc janis and regina hated each other until last year

lesbean: ...ok?

Massive_Deal: It’s a long story that kinda makes me look bad, so we don’t need to get into that right now.

alyssa_greeene: now im scared

toogaytofunction: ANYWAY

toogaytofunction: janis?

space_alien: ummm i definitely wasn’t at that party bc i was bored and wanted a hookup and it seemed like the best place to find one nope that’s definitely not what happened

gothy-teen: haha she’s lying that’s totally what happened

space_alien: would you stop doing that???

gothy-teen: lol nope

idc: so basically what im getting here is that janis is kind of a slut

zoeee: connor!!!

space_alien: no he’s right i am lol

space_alien: anyway that’s the story caddy

toogaytofunction: any particular reason you were wondering, cady? ;-)))

calculust: um idk what the winky face is about but it just occurred to me this morning 

toogaytofunction: useless lesbians

calculust:??? im bi??? and idk what you’re talking about???

toogaytofunction: if you don’t know im not gonna tell you

ronicaaa: sup y’all i just woke up

space_alien: FUCK

ronicaaa: lol what time jan 

space_alien: 9:30

ronicaaa: yessss

gothy-teen: um

gothy-teen: the fuck is happening?

space_alien: ronnie and i have a long standing disagreement about which of us is lazier 

ronicaaa: every weekend we have to text each other the time we woke up and whoever woke up first has to venmo the other ten bucks

Massive_Deal: Wait, so waking up later is better?

space_alien: obviously 

Massive_Deal: That doesn’t make sense.

ronicaaa: yes it does

space_alien: we both want the title of the family fuck-up and laziness is the only thing that we haven’t divided out

alyssa_greeene: you... want to be the disappointment?

ronicaaa: yeah it’s fun

theyellowone: you’re not a fuck-up ronnie

ronicaaa: mac! yes i am!

theyellowone: not to me

ronicaaa: thx babe but that’s rly not helping my case here

the_red_one: Wait. You guys are dating?

theyellowone: yep :-)

space_alien: how did i not know this????

ronicaaa: we’re sneaky like that

space_alien: but you’re supposed to tell me everything!!! it’s in the gay cousin code of conduct!!!

ronicaaa: a., im bi, b., there’s no such thing, and c., you still refuse to tell me who you have a crush on

calculust: WHAT

calculust: JANIS

calculust: you didn’t tell me you had a crush!!!

toogaytofunction: lol ik who it is

space_alien: shut thwnq lend north’s 

space_alien: shrt the fuck yoer mouths

space_alien: FUCK

space_alien: ronnie you will pay for this

ronicaaa: hm somehow i don’t think i will

space_alien: fuck off

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The Ultimate Group Chat, 4:17 am

space_alien: helloooo folks

gothy-teen: hiii

toogaytofunction: it's four in the morning why the fuck are u guys up rn

gothy-teen: umm time difference it's five am for me

toogaytofunction: i don't think ur making the point u think ur making

toogaytofunction: and what about you jan

space_alien: i n s o m n i a

toogaytofunction: good lord

gothy-teen: i mean ur up too so you can't really talk

space_alien: boom roasted

toogaytofunction: that's because i didn't do my french homework

space_alien: wait fuck we had french hw

kiNkY: wow y'all still do your homework? i stopped doing that a longgggg time ago

Tree_Boy: and hows that working out for u jared

kiNkY: i want to say great but i feel like thats not the answer ur looking for

ronicaaa: hahaaa janissss

space_alien: ???

ronicaaa: ten bucks

space_alien: um no

ronicaaa: yes!!!

space_alien: no!!! i never went to bed so it doesn't count

ronicaaa: i think it does

space_alien: well you're awake too sooo

kiNkY: ooh burn

ronicaaa: fuck off jared

kiNkY: everyone is so mean to me

space_alien: shut up jared

space_alien: ronnie i think you owe me ten bucks

ronicaaa: what if i told you that i never went to bed either

space_alien: the way that you phrased that makes me feel like you're lying

ronicaaa: ugh fine

space_alien: yesssss finally

space_alien: screenshot.jpg

space_alien: ten bucks babyyyy

ronicaaa: why did i agree to this stupid thing

space_alien: uhh it was your idea

ronicaaa: oh yeah

ronicaaa: fuck

calculust: janis!!!!! 

space_alien: oh no

calculust: we had a deal!!!

space_alien: im sorry i couldn't sleep!!!

calculust: well from the sound of it you didn't even try

Tree_Boy: umm whats happening

toogaytofunction: cady doesn't like it that janis doesn't sleep so they made a deal that every time she catches janis awake after midnight janis has to do her a favor

Tree_Boy: why does cady care whether janis sleeps

calculust: bc she's annoying as fuck when shes tired

toogaytofunction: that's not the real reason but cady will kill me if i tell you what it is

calculust: stfu damian

calculust: hmmm what shall my favor be

toogaytofunction: i have some ideas

calculust: i said stfu damian!!!

gothy-teen: i was just gonna watch tv all night but this is so much more interesting


toogaytofunction>>>calculust, 4:23 am

toogaytofunction: pls just do it caddy

toogaytofunction: i'm begging u 

calculust: i'm just gonna pretend that i don't know what you're talking about

toogaytofunction: caddyyyyyy

calculust: stop calling me that

toogaytofunction: oh so it's ok when janis does it but not when i do???

calculust: um... yes?

toogaytofunction: ha! i rest my case

calculust: which is what?

toogaytofunction: you know what

calculust: would you pls stop being so cryptic? its getting annoying 

toogaytofunction: so is you pretending that you don’t know exactly what i mean

calculust: that grammar was truly appalling

toogaytofunction: wanna guess how much i care? 

calculust: mean

toogaytofunction: look, it’s your life, do what u want. i just want you to be happy and i think this could be really good but if you don’t want to you don’t have to

calculust: ...

calculust: dammit



The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:27 am

calculust: um so

calculust: i know what janis’s favor is gonna be

kiNkY: ooh yay

calculust: jan?

space_alien: caddy?

calculust: you have to go on a date with me

ronicaaa: OH SNAP

space_alien: um

space_alien: that’s not a favor

space_alien: that’s a privilege

ronicaaa: DOUBLE SNAP

space_alien: ronnie stop killing the vibe

ronicaaa: sorry it’s what i do best

calculust: seriously???

space_alien: yeah ofc

space_alien: ive been in love with you since like the beginning of junior year

ronicaaa: HA I KNEW IT

space_alien: ronnie!!! what did i just say??

ronicaaa: that you love cady?

space_alien: no the other... oh nvm

calculust: umm jan 

calculust: ive been in love with you since like,,, the first time i saw you sooo

kiNkY: wow we got some really useless lesbians over here

space_alien: shut up jared 

calculust: im bi but go off ig

gothy-teen: lol i knew y’all liked each other

space_alien: seriously?? how??

gothy-teen: i know everything 

gothy-teen: also you drunk-texted me about it

space_alien: i did???

gothy-teen: screenshot.jpg

ronicaaa: wow good job janis

space_alien: ok i'm just gonna go die now

calculust: nooo it's cute

space_alien: :-)))

toogaytofunction: hey caddy???

calculust: wot

toogaytofunction: i told you so

calculust: oh fuck you

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The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:32 pm

discoball: guys

zoeee: ???

discoball: do y'all ever just want to,,, have someone else's life

Tree_Boy: um yes all the time

discoball: not like in an i-hate-myself/my life-i-wish-i-was-someone-else way tho

Tree_Boy: ...oh

discoball: i mean like, do you ever wish you could be yourself but like be living the way that someone else is living bc it looks super fun

alyssa_greeene: omg yes ik exactly what you mean!!!

discoball: thank you!!! regina is not getting it

Massive_Deal: Because it makes no sense!!!

toogaytofunction: regina's just saying that bc she literally has the best life ever

Massive_Deal: I do not- well actually, yeah, I kind of do.

ronicaaa: it makes sense to me

discoball: see!!! it does make sense!!!

Massive_Deal: I still don't get it. If it's not that you hate your own life, why would you want someone else's?

discoball: karen? babe? help me out?

mynameiskaren: with what???

discoball: oh nevermind

calculust: no i get it gretch

a-aron: me too! like you see the things that people are doing in a show or video or something and ur like oh that looks fun i wish i could be living a life like that


mynameiskaren: !!!!!

discoball: platonically babe don't worry

a-aron: yep that's me, everyone just loves me platonically

space_alien: oh no y'all broke aaron

a-aron: i keep trying to tell u guys i'm already broken but ok

zoeee: wait hold up can everyone please recap all of the relationships here? i'm struggling to keep track

the_red_one: janis/cady, gretchen/karen, emma/alyssa, veronica/heather m, and evan/connor

Tree_Boy: um no connor and i aren't dating

thegreenone: you're not? i was totally getting that vibe

gothy-teen: how were you getting that vibe? connor's literally said like three words since this chat was created

thegreenone: idk it just kinda makes sense

idc: i mean i've said 23 words but go off i guess

Tree_Boy: ...this is awkward

idc: no it's not

idc: i like ur company

idc: ur sweet

discoball: was that-

space_alien: a b99 reference???

zoeee: this is the proudest goddamned moment of my life

idc: also evan wanna go out with me

thegreenone: I KNEW IT

Tree_Boy: ...

Tree_Boy: yes

zoeee: wow this is incredible

Massive_Deal: Two relationships formed in less that twenty-four hours. Impressive.

space_alien: this groupchat is literal magic idk what else to tell you

Alana_Beck: Guys! Stop texting in class! We're all going to get in trouble!

space_alien: umm i'm not in class

gothy-teen: TiMe diFfErEnCe yaLL

discoball: oh yeahhhh


kiNkY: alana just got detention for texting in class

zoeee: oh no!!!! alana!!!

idc: zoe stop pretending to be nice i can see u laughing

gothy-teen: oof way to out her connor

idc: lol

space_alien: i take back what i said about this chat being magic

space_alien: it's absolutely satanic

space_alien: and i love it

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:04 pm

alyssa_greeene: guysssss

lesbean: whaaatttt

alyssa_greeene: i hate group projects

zoeee: doesn't everyone

Alana_Beck: I don't!

zoeee: you like everything about school tho

Alana_Beck: That is accurate.

alyssa_greeene: i'm at this dude's house rn working on a group project and i'm pretty sure he's asleep

space_alien: haha mood

Massive_Deal: At least you don't have to pretend to include him in the project.

alyssa_greeene: no that's the problem

alyssa_greeene: i literally have no idea what's going on

lesbean: wait is this for mr. creel's class

alyssa_greeene: yeah :-(((

gothy-teen: who's mr. creel?

lesbean: i mean,,, he's probably not the most homophobic person on earth,,, but he's gotta be in at least the top ten

alyssa_greeene: he always makes a point of giving me and em bad grades

lesbean: a couple months ago i wrote literally the perfect essay and he gave me a D

calculust: don't say it jan

space_alien: but i reeeeeeallyyyyy want to

calculust: i will Break Up With You

space_alien: ok ok i wont

lesbean: ANYWAY

alyssa_greeene: we've tried to go to the principal about it but mr. creel has never been openly homophobic so there's nothing he can do

Tree_Boy: oof that sounds awful

lesbean: it is

gothy-teen: you should like,,, record him saying something homophobic to you or something

calculust: how would they do that?

gothy-teen: idk i didn't think it through very hard

space_alien: who here thinks group projects suck?

gothy-teen: meeeee

alyssa_greeene: me

lesbean: me

calculust: umm but what if it's with people you like

space_alien: wdym

calculust: like... people make friends in group projects

space_alien: yeah but group projects aren't the only way of making friends

calculust: but it's a good way

space_alien: fine, if you get to pick who you work with, group projects are great

toogaytofunction: yeah but then you don't get work done

toogaytofunction: e.g. when me and janis almost blew up the science room

space_alien: omg that was one time and it was totally your fault

toogaytofunction: it was not and my point still stands

Alana_Beck: I think that group projects are a fantastic way to bond with your acquaintances and split up the work of what would otherwise be a daunting assignment!

gothy-teen: do you have to be on all the time?

Alana_Beck: Yes.

gothy-teen: it's exhausting

Alana_Beck: I've been told.

zoeee: lydia don't bully her 

gothy-teen: sorry sorry

gothy-teen: my friend and i always talk like that to each other so

space_alien: which friend?

gothy-teen: um... you don't know him

space_alien: can i meet him?

gothy-teen: NO

space_alien: why???

gothy-teen: you'd never recover

space_alien: i'm already broken tho so...

a-aron: hey!!!! that's my line!!! don't steal my brand!!!!!!

space_alien: lol i knew you'd say that

a-aron: oh fuck you

calculust: i don't understand this relationship

space_alien: it's the kind of bond that only people who have dated cady heron can have

calculust: but i'm cady heron so shouldn't i be able to figure it out?

a-aron: nope doesn't work that way

calculust: :-(((

space_alien: no babe it's ok don't be sad

calculust: :-((((((((

space_alien: babyyyyy noooo ily

calculust: :-))))

space_alien: yayyy

lesbean: wow i'm loving the soft gay energy in this chat

alyssa_greeene: baby why are we not like that

lesbean: like what?

alyssa_greeene: like all soft and cute!!!

lesbean: um i am offended

lesbean: we spent 90% of last year fighting for our relationship how is that not romantic

alyssa_greeene: *shrugs*

lesbean: ok fine ily sooooo much and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, how's that?

alyssa_greeene: :-)))

lesbean: you're so weird

alyssa_greeene: :-(((

lesbean: BUT I LOVE YOU

alyssa_greeene: :-))))

a-aron: meanwhile me just over here chillin bc i'm single

calculust: aw poor aaron

a-aron: s'okay

a-aron: *cries*

alyssa_greeene: while i feel bad for aaron and all, can we go back to my thing?

gothy-teen: which thing?

alyssa_greeene: the group project!!! what do i do?

lesbean: i say don't even try, mr. creel is gonna fail you anyway sooo

alyssa_greeene: that feels like giving in tho

space_alien: pick your poison

alyssa_greeene: ugh fine

alyssa_greeene: but if i write i good paper and he still fails me that's evidence against him

lesbean: true

gothy-teen: but that'd be more work for u

alyssa_greeene: but i could maybe get him fired

lesbean: ooh i like that

alyssa_greeene: aight let's do it

a-aron: alyssa said gay rights!!!

alyssa_greeene: hell yeah

alyssa_greeene: i still have no idea how to do the project tho

space_alien: welp can't help u with that

calculust: yeah sorry

a-aron: yeah me either

lesbean: sorry babe you're on your own on this one

alyssa_greeene: ...

alyssa_greeene: well fuck

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:40pm

space_alien: guysss help

kiNky: don't worry the insanely cool jared kleinman is here to help

space_alien: ok so

space_alien: what the fuck is an angstrom??? my math homework makes no sense

kiNkY: oh it's math? nvm then i can't help u

space_alien: grrrr

space_alien: caddy? help me pls?

caddy: ummm sorry babe i have no idea what that is

toogaytofunction: uh oh

toogaytofunction: if cady doesn't know...

space_alien: i'm screwed

Massive_Deal: Why are you doing your homework at lunch anyway, Janis?

space_alien: ummm

space_alien: soooo

caddy: she forgot to do it and she has math next period

kiNkY: oof

space_alien: none of this would be happening if SOMEONE hadn't convinced me to go into the hard math class instead of the one that LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE takes

caddy: i didn't convince you to do anything!!! in fact i specifically suggested that you NOT take the hard one bc you were already struggling and i can only tutor so many people and you said "fuck you i do what i want"

space_alien: i have no recollection of any of that

caddy: how convenient

space_alien: are y'all seeing this? this is verbal abuse!!!

caddy: oh please you're fine

toogaytofunction: you saw it here first, folks! dysfunction 101!!!

space_alien: we are not dysfunctional!!!!

caddy: yeah you're just jealous because you know that any relationship you ever have will never live up to ours

toogaytofunction: i don't... oh whatever

caddy: dw i still love you jan <3

space_alien: aww ily too

zoeee: we should have a cutest couples contest

Tree_Boy: ooh yeah

a-aron: ahem

a-aron: some of us are still single and lonely

caddy: oh my GOD i can't listen to this anymore

caddy: aaron, damian likes you. ask him out. and then you can stop whining about your loneliness

toogaytofunction: cady!!!!

caddy: sorry but its basically what you did to me and janis

toogaytofunction: but i didn't fucking tell her that you liked her! even tho it was totally obvious and she should have figured it out herself but she's just stupid!!!

space_alien: hey!!!

toogaytofunction: sorry, lashing out

a-aron: guys everyone chill it's fine

toogaytofunction: NO IT'S NOT- wait it is???

a-aron: yeah lol

a-aron: i like you too

caddy: hahaaaa you're welcome bitchesss

toogaytofunction: shut up cady

toogaytofunction: you're becoming janis and i don't like it

space_alien: ?????? mean????

toogaytofunction: sorry jan ily

ronnicaaa: anyhoo

ronicaaa: are aaron and damian a thing now?

caddy: it would appear so

space_alien: i'm still mad that everyone is insulting me!!!!! in case anyone was wondering

caddy: it's ok babe we love you

zoeee: i still think we should have a cutest couples contest

a-aron: nooo it shouldn't be a competition

space_alien: damn straight it wouldn't even be close

caddy: *high fives*

space_alien: i may not be able to do math but we would definitely win this competition

Massive_Deal: Time for class, Janis. How did that homework go for you?

space_alien: s h i t

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:03 am

gothy-teen: guys!!!!

the_red_one: it’s one in the fucking morning what could you possibly want from me at this hour

the_yellow_one: heather be nice i wanna know

zoeee: me too

alyssa_greeene: what is it lydia

gothy-teen: anything is a boomerang if you throw it upward

the_red_one: oh good lord

gothy-teen: also,,, an apple a day,,,

toogaytofunction: dammit lydia i thought it was gonna be something life-changing

gothy-teen: damian!!! you ruined it!!!

toogaytofunction: what???

toogaytofunction: i did?

gothy-teen: yeah!!! and it is life changing you fuck

the_yellow_one: hey!!! be nice

gothy-teen ok nobody interrupt me this time

alyssa_greeene: wait finish the apple a day

zoeee: she was trying to

gothy-teen: yes thank you zoe

gothy-teen: ahem

the_red_one: does it have to be in a line???


the_red_one: ok ok jesus

gothy-teen: A GOODAMNED APPLE A DAY,,,

gothy-teen: f u c k typo ruins it

toogaytofunction: omfg

gothy-teen: lemme try one more tome

gothy-teen: an apple a day,,,

gothy-teen: will keep anyone away,,,

gothy-teen: if you throw it hard enough

gothy-teen: there i did it

space_alien: oh i’ve heard that before lol

toogaytofunction: i can’t believe i paused my movie for this


gothy-teen: anyway

space_alien: ahaha u gotta find jokes I haven’t heard lyds

gothy-teen: you’ve heard all the jokes!!! it’s that stupid lmao app you have

space_alien: lol yeah

gothy-teen: oh fuck you

the_yellow_one: guys!!! be!!! nice!!!

gothy-teen: sorry heather it’s just not in our nature

the_yellow_one: >:-(

gothy-teen: GUYS OMG

the_red_one: what now???

gothy-teen: mistletoe but instead of kissing you have to fight whoever else is under it

space_alien: omg that’s actually such a good idea

the_yellow_one: guys,,, that’s not,,,

toogaytofunction: forget it heather ur fighting a losing battle

the_red_one: lydia that’s so smart

gothy-teen: thank you!!! it was my friend’s idea and we told my other friends but they didn’t like it

space_alien: that’s dumb

gothy-teen: hey!!! no one calls adam and barbara dumb!!! i mean i do all the time but im the only one!!!

space_alien: whoa ok

toogaytofunction: but going back to the mistletoe thing,,, what if u end up under it with some sumo wrestler and they beat u to death?

gothy-teen: better avoid the mistletoe then

space_alien: when do i get to meet these friends of yours???

gothy-teen: you know what fine

gothy-teen has added literal_demon to the server

literal_demon: sup sluts

literal_demon: lydia what is this

gothy-teen: it’s a discord server you uncultured swine

literal_demon: i meant like whos on here but go off ig

space_alien: helloooo, i am janis sarkisian, former hookup of lydia’s. this is my collection of gays

literal_demon: sounds chaotic

literal_demon: wait hold up lydia you hooked up with a girl???

gothy-teen: beetlejuice, we’ve been over this. i am a lesbian.

literal_demon: i thought you were an american

gothy-teen: that’s not... oh whatever

the_red_one: wait, your name is beetlejuice? that’s kind of a stupid name

literal_demon: it’s my middle name

literal_demon: my full name is lawrence beetlejuice shoggoth

gothy-teen: not rly helping your case buddy

space_alien: lmao your parents must have hated you if they gave you that name

literal_demon: my mom is evil personified, so yeah

gothy-teen: ... anyway

the_red_one: what about your other friends, lydia? the ones that didn’t like the fighting mistletoe idea


literal_demon: that being said i actually really do enjoy making out with hot people

gothy-teen: he’s still a little bitter

the_red_one: clearly

gothy-teen: also there’s no way im adding the maitlands to this chat it would Break Them

literal_demon: yeah she’s right

literal_demon: we can’t break them

space_alien: why not?

literal_demon: bc then we’d have to buy them

gothy-teen: nice

literal_demon: thank you

the_red_one: okay, im done

the_red_one: goodnight weirdos


literal_demon>>>gothy-teen, 1:16 am

literal_demon: l y d i a

gothy-teen: wot

literal_demon: how can they all,,, like,,, see me??? i thought u only cld bc ur strange and unusual or whatever

gothy-teen: they're all strange and unusual too, lawrence

gothy-teen: get over yourself

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:07 am

idc: hello all i would just like to say that i am much gay for my bf

kiNkY: whoa

kiNkY: does connor is actually texting for once?

thegreenone: that was terrible

kiNkY: yep

Tree_Boy: aww im gay for u too connor

calculust: wait evan aren't u bi

Tree_Boy: yeah i just like calling myself gay lmao

space_alien: uh oh

space_alien: evan that was not the right thing to say

Tree_Boy: why???

space_alien: caddy has a thing about bi erasure


space_alien: i warned you

Tree_Boy: cady calm down i know all that i just enjoy calling myself gay

calculust: ok that makes no sense to me whatsoever but u do u ig

idc: can we go back to my thing?

thegreenone: about how you're gay for evan?

idc: yesss

idc: we're at the park rn

idc: and he's telling me all about all the different types of trees and normally i would be like why the fuck are you telling me about this i do not care at all but it's evan and therefore it is adorable

space_alien: ok that's actually so cute

idc: I KNOW


gothy-teen: ok it's official we need to have a cutest couple competition

theyellowone: guyssss no you're all gonna fight

gothy-teen: macaroni

gothy-teen: it's time you got this through your head

gothy-teen: fighting is how we interact

ronicaaa: omg macaroni

ronicaaa: i love macaroni

ronicaaa: whoa that works on so many levels

ronicaaa: cuz like

ronicaaa: i love mac

ronicaaa: and i also love literal macaroni

space_alien: we get it ronnie thank you

ronicaaa: just making sure

gothy-teen: ok y'all

gothy-teen: here's how this is gonna go

gothy-teen: all of the people who aren't part of a couple will be the judges

gothy-teen: so that's me, beetlejuice, regina, jared, zoe, alana, heather chandelier, heather duck, and martha

space_alien: how the fuck do you remember all that

space_alien: i don't even remember what i ate last night

space_alien: i mean

space_alien: besides caddy

toogaytofunction: ew, janis

space_alien: sorry not sorry

gothy-teen: ANYWAY

gothy-teen: we will be judging cady/janis, veronica/macaroni, gretchen/karen, aaron/damian, connor/evan, and emma/alyssa

gothy-teen: did i miss anyone?

zoeee: um actually

zoeee: alana and i have been dating in secret for like three months

idc: WHAT

idc: ZOE

zoeee: shhhh it's not a big deal


zoeee: i thought u weren't supposed to care about anything

idc has changed their name to iacawflaito

zoeee: what the actual fuck

iacawflaito: stands for "i actually care a whole fucking lot as it turns out"

Tree_Boy has changed iacawflaito's name to gothy-teen-2.0

gothy-teen: hey! don't be stealing my brand

zoeee has changed gothy-teen-2.0's name to myidiotbrother

myidiotbrother has changed their name to idiot

idiot: does this work for everyone

kiNkY: yesss lmao

gothy-teen: okay! let the contest commence

gothy-teen: each couple must select a representative to explain what they love about their relationship. the explanation must be five sentences or less

space_alien: ohh caddy can i take this one pls

calculust: lmao sure babe

space_alien: ok so when caddy and i first started dating she would get all nervous when we were out in public together and so she would just hold onto the corner of my jacket or like bump into me a little bit in a way that almost seemed like an accident so that i would know she wanted me to cuddle her or something. also i know you remember the whole thing about how we got together but i just wanna let y'all know that she still texts me privately every time she finds out that i'm awake at an ungodly hour and yells at me to go the fuck to sleep which i know doesn't sound that romantic but it's actually really sweet to know that she cares so much. i think she has some setting on her phone that notifies her whenever i'm on my socials specifically so that she can do that which sounds a little creepy now that i think about it but imma worry about that later. also she's willing to sit still for hours so that i can paint her because she knows that it helps me relax. i could go on for literal days but i only have five sentences so i'll just end by saying that i love this girl so fucking much and i can't believe there was ever a time when i didn't have her in my life,,, like how did i survive? anyway i'm done now

calculust: jan... baby... i don't even... that was so sweet

space_alien: ily caddy <3

calculust: i love you too babe <3333333

gothy-teen: ok wow

gothy-teen: who wants to try to beat that?

idiot: i will

idiot: i mean i already told y'all about the tree thing so instead i'll just talk about how FUCKING ADORABLE THIS MAN IS. like last week he was over for dinner and he just kept shooting me these adorable little secret smiles whenever my parents weren't looking. and like right now, while i'm typing this, he's just watching me like i'm the most interesting thing in the world. which i'm not, but he'll kill me for saying that because he's constantly telling me to stop selling myself short bc if he loves me then that means i should love me too. which honestly,,, kinda makes me wanna cry sometimes, and i'm definitely not crying rn what are you talking about

idiot: ok that's five sentences gotta stop there

Tree_Boy: omg connor

Tree_Boy: idk what to say about that other than i love you

idiot: ily too lol

gothy-teen: oh jesus christ this is too much i can't handle it

gothy-teen: someone else tap in

thegreenone: me! ok who's next

theyellowone: ronnie can i

ronicaaa: sure babe go for it

theyellowone: yay!

theyellowone: um so idk if y'all know this but i'm a bit depressed and there was this one time when i tried to take a bunch of pills in the girls bathroom at school but ronnie found me and made me spit them out and told me that i didn't have to be happy all the time but i wasn't allowed to die on her bc she loved me too much which is just like,,, so sweet i can't even... anyway. she also is constantly just showing up at my house with flowers for literally no reason at all except that she knows it'll brighten my day. and i just really love her and i would do anything for her and honestly sometimes it takes all my willpower to not just run to her house in the middle of the night. and idk i always just thought that getting a gf would be really hard bc everyone says relationships aren't easy but being with vera is just so fucking easy and sometimes i worry that it's too easy, but actually i think that's how relationships should be with the right person and the rest of the world just has it wrong. i just like,,, idk i have a lot of issues and i'm fucking terrified of everything all the time but veronica somehow makes me feel safe and ik she pretends to be so tough and funny and fucked up like janis does but when she's with me she's just so sweet and i think that's the real her and i love it. 

ronicaaa: MAC

ronicaaa: why you gotta expose me like that babe

theyellowone: had to happen at some point

ronicaaa: i wanna be mad but you're so fucking amazing i can't

ronicaaa: i love you

theyellowone: *blows kisses*

thegreenone: i love my adorable gay children

gothy-teen: duck is being soft for once

space_alien: lol duck

calculust: for the record i agree w what mac said about veronica and janis not actually being tough

space_alien: babe,,, pls don't expose me,,, i've already been acting wayyy to soft today

calculust: that's bc that's how you really are you just pretend not to be most of the time

space_alien: I SAID DON'T EXPOSE ME

calculust: or what

space_alien: um... idk

toogaytofunction: lol cady has her wrapped around her finger

space_alien: shut the hell your mouth

gothy-teen: y'all

gothy-teen: you had your turn

gothy-teen: it's aaron and damian's turn now

toogaytofunction: ooh okay

toogaytofunction: so aaron and i haven't been dating for very long but i've liked him for a really long time and i'm honestly so amazed that he actually likes me back, like i still can't wrap my head around that. and idk why but we just make sense, ya know? like it was weirdly easy, kind of like mac said, and it still is. and fuck i'm running out of sentences so i'll just say that i am NOT a sporty person but i would honestly listen to aaron talk about his sports games for literal hours on end, he's just so cute when he talks about something he's really passionate about. and this was like not very original at all, but basically i just agree with everything everyone else has said and yeah i love him a lot

a-aron: ily too <333

space_alien: *sobbing* our boys are growing up

toogaytofunction: oh shut up

space_alien: also can i just say real quick how glad i am that aaron has moved on from cady

calculust: aww babe were you jealous

space_alien: ummmm i plead the fifth

gothy-teen: JANIS. CADY. please stop being so fucking affectionate, your turn is OVER. this is your last warning

space_alien: sorry we can't help it

calculust: yeah it's kind of a necessity

gothy-teen: >:-((((

space_alien: ok ok sorry

thegreenone: gretchen? karen? y'all are up next

discoball: ooh me me

mynameiskaren: *thumbs up emoji*

discoball: ok so i know that everyone thinks karen is kind of dumb, and yeah they're not academically gifted, BUT i refuse to tolerate anyone who says she's not smart, because while she struggles with school, she is honestly so emotionally intelligent it's incredible. being around her is like being around literal sunshine, she's just always so bright and happy and sweet, and when i'm having a bad day she'll just sit with me for a while and let me feel. and she's super protective of me too, like when regina used to yell at me she would always try to say something stupid on purpose to shift some of the heat off of me, which is more intelligent than any test could possibly measure. and yeah she's just always sweet to me no matter what, just like,,, a constant presence that always makes me feel safe.

mynameiskaren: *smiley face emoji**heart emoji**lesbian emoji*

discoball: ily too kare

Massive_Deal: That made me look kind of bad, but I'm happy for you guys. I'm really sorry for how I used to treat you, by the way, Gretch.

discoball: it's okay

discoball: i mean it's not but i forgive u

discoball: i know it wasn't really about me anyway

Massive_Deal: Yeah, but still.

thegreenone: do we ever get to know the whole story about y'all? u keep being really cryptic about like stuff that happened w regina and janis and cady and everyone else

Massive_Deal: I don't think I should be the one to tell it. Janis?

space_alien: ugh

space_alien: can we not today? i need to work up to it

thegreenone: yeah i mean it's not rly our business anyway i'm just curious

space_alien: yeah,,, maybe me and damian will tell u in a couple days or something

space_alien: and caddy if she wants to give her side of it

calculust: yeah we can talk about it separately jan

space_alien: ok <333

calculust: <333


space_alien: right sorry

space_alien: caddy i hate you so much you're the worst

calculust: i hate you too 

gothy-teen: that's not reeeally what i meant but

gothy-teen: whatever

Massive_Deal: Emma and Alyssa, you guys are up next.

lesbean: do you wanna or should i

alyssa_greeene: can i?

lesbean: yeah sure

alyssa_greeene: ok so emma and i spent a LOT of time hiding our relationship from my mother and the rest of our school, but then last year emma wanted to take me to prom and the pta freaked and cancelled it, and that's like a really long story but basically emma went online and sang a song on youtube about us and went viral and we got a prom after all. and what i find really amazing about that was that she was such an activist about being able to take her gf to prom, but she never outed me. like literally no one knew until i told them myself, and i will always be grateful to her for that bc there was a time in there when we were really mad at each other and she could easily have outed me and she DIDN'T. and that just proves what an amazing person she is, and it's part of why i decided to come out publicly and announce that i was in love with her, because she'd given me this great gift of getting to do that, even though she was furious with me. and now  we're like the most loved couple at school and everyone supports us, including my mother, all because even when we were broken up she still fought for us as a matter of principal. ok i reeeeally wanna add another sentence but i can't so yeah i'm done

lesbean: awwww lyssa

lesbean: i love you so much

alyssa_greeene: <3333 ily too, telling the world that was the best decision i ever made

toogaytofunction: WAIT HOLY SHIT


space_alien: OMFG

space_alien: how did we not put that together until now

lesbean: you guys saw my video?

space_alien: yes!!!! we've watched it like twelve billion times and we donated to the prom funds so that y'all could host the inclusive prom

lesbean: seriously??? that's amazing thank you!!!!

space_alien: ofc

space_alien: alyssa i'm so glad your mom came around that's great

alyssa_greeene: thx i'm glad too

calculust: see y'all this is what i mean

calculust: my gf is very soft

space_alien: shhh stop talking before lydia murders us

calculust: right sorry

gothy-teen: okay time for our last couple

Massive_Deal: Alana and Zoe!

zoeee: ooh okay

zoeee: so alana is like,,, a very proper person, right? and i never thought i would fall for someone like that, but there was this one day a few months ago when she was helping me study and i was frustrated bc i couldn't figure out this one problem, and she just said "don't worry, this stuff is hard. just remember that whatever grade you get on this test, i'll still be proud of you because i know you really tried." and i was like oh holy shit this girl is so fucking earnest and sweet and so i just kinda,,, kissed her. and we've been together ever since and she's never been anything but sweet to me, and it's really refreshing bc i know that she always 100% means what she says. so lana just know that when i say i love you, i really mean it too.

Alana_Beck: I love you too, Zoe. I'm proud of you for finally telling everyone about us. I know you were scared. 

zoeee: thx babe

idiot: awww my baby sister is growing up

zoeee: call me your baby sister one more time and I Will End You

idiot: ok

idiot: baby sister


gothy-teen: um. anyway

gothy-teen: time for the judging to commence

literal_demon: WHAT THE FUCK LYDIA

literal_demon: HOW ARE YOU NOT CRYING

literal_demon: THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL

literal_demon: YOU ALL WIN

Massive_Deal: Yeah, he's kind of right.

rainbow123: yeah this entire conversation is just really soft and gay

gothy-teen: ok yeah you're right

kiNkY: the real question tho is how lydia remembers all the relationships

kiNkY: like i lowkey forgot that evan and connor were dating and i see them every fucking day

gothy-teen: umm i definitely don't have a list in my notes app nuh uh not me wrong bitch

space_alien: lol she's lying she definitely does

gothy-teen: janis i swear

space_alien: *shrugs*

space_alien: am i allowed to say i love caddy now

gothy-teen: yes, fine

space_alien: yay! ily caddy

calculust: i mean ily too but that's a little random

space_alien: well i wasn't allowed to for like a reeeeally long time so now i just need to say it a bunch to make up for it

calculust: it was five minutes but ok

space_alien: it's like you don't want me to say it


the_red_one: sup y'all i just got here

the_red_one: oh wow i'm reading all these messages

the_red_one: and yes i feel god in this chili's tonight

ronicaaa: oh good lord

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:32 pm

calculust: ok so

calculust: i know we're not doing the competition anymore bc y'all are too cowardly to announce a winner

calculust: BUT

calculust: can we have the other person who didn't talk yesterday tells what they love about their partner??? pls???

space_alien: caddy no

space_alien: my reputation is gonna be destroyed

Massive_Deal: Your reputation with whom??? We all already know you're a big softie.

space_alien: f u c k caddy look what you've done

calculust: i didn't do anything!!! you've always been soft babe 

gothy-teen: yeah i've only met you in person once and even i know that

kiNkY: lol ive never met you in person at all and i know that

space_alien: oh fuck off

theyellowone: language!!!

space_alien: sorry mac

calculust: jan do you want me to shower you with love or not

space_alien: ...

space_alien: yeah whatever go for it

calculust: yay!!!

calculust: ok so basically,,, god i don't even know where to start i love this girl so much. like when we were first dating and i was nervous about being with her in public she would always just know exactly what i needed her to do. also one time i went away for the weekend with my parents and we got home late sunday night so i told janis that i didn't have time to go out and see her, and then at three am i woke up to her throwing rocks at my window like something out of a romance movie, which was adorable and i'm also very glad she has bad aim because they were kinda big rocks and i do like having an intact bedroom window but. and i always steal her jackets which i know i probably should stop doing, and she pretends to get mad at me for it but i know she leaves them at my house on purpose sometimes. and idk i just love her a lot and also literally n o t h i n g parallels the utter gay panic i felt when i opened the bathroom stall door on the first day of junior year and saw her standing there giving me that stupid adorable smirk,,, like holy shit you guys don't even understand

Tree_Boy: gay panic??? cady???

calculust: BI PANIC


calculust: FUCK

space_alien: look at that, both our reputations are getting ruined today

calculust: hey!!! be nice to me!!! i just explained in detail all the ways in which i love you!!!

space_alien: right right sorry i love you bby <33333

calculust: <333

Tree_Boy: can i go now?

Tree_Boy: ok no one's responding so i'm just gonna

Tree_Boy: can i just start this off by saying that veronica janis connor and lydia are all basically the same? like they all pretend to be all tough but clearly they are actually just super soft?

gothy-teen: um i would like to be left out of this please and thank you

Tree_Boy: sorry lydia

Tree_Boy: i'm not actually very sorry but

Tree_Boy: ANYWAY

Tree_Boy: I think we proved yesterday that connor is a very soft boyfriend, but i just want to say that like,,, in case the rest of y'all havent picked up on this, he bullies literally everyone. like not bullies but like ya know? and i'm the only one he's not mean to, and if anyone is mean to me he just fucking destroys them and it's actually kinda funny to watch him try to be tough and a good bf at the same time. also the other day he showed up at my house with a box of cookies for absolutely no reason other than he wanted to see me (i don't care what he says, the cookies were just an excuse) but anyway yeah i love him

kiNkY: aww

kiNkY: and since no one has asked yes it is quite awkward to constantly be the third wheel

zoeee: fifth wheel

zoeee: me and lana remember?

kiNkY: fuck you're right

kiNkY: someone save me

zoeee: also what evan conveniently left out of his story was that I MADE THE COOKIES

zoeee: connor was NOT supposed to share them

zoeee: in fact he wasn't even supposed to eat any himself

Tree_Boy: wait seriously

Tree_Boy: that makes it so much cuter

zoeee: no, it means that HE FUCKING STOLE MY COOKIIES

idiot: lol

zoeee: i hate you so much connor murphy

idiot: love you too

zoeee: fuck off

theyellowone: GUYS


space_alien: why do you always get so worked up about this mac?

theyellowone: BECAUSE

theyellowone: i don't actually know it just kinda stresses me out when you guys are mean to each other

ronicaaa: can i talk about how i love mac now? bc that is like a perfect segway

gothy-teen: yes do it

gothy-teen: my single gay self is living for all this

kiNkY: mood

ronicaaa: so i feel like mac getting stressed when we're all mean to each other kind of perfectly sums up what kind of person she is, like she's just so sweet and innocent and fucking a d o r a b l e. she's a little like karen in that way, i think, they both have a lot of emotional intelligence. also mac always wears yellow and i'm just like??? this human??? is literal sunshine??? like even the colors match up y'all it's insane!!!! and yeah she's adorable that's basically it i just love her soooo much

literal_demon: l y d i a

literal_demon: why did you add me to this chat

literal_demon: i can't afford to be crying all the time it's not a good look

gothy-teen: lol sorry

mynameiskaren: ok my turn!!! so gretchen is like super sweet to me and whenever someone calls me stupid it's like all her shyness and anxiety just fades away and she yells at them. and she always is there to comfort me when i do badly on a test,,, which is always. the last time, she sat with me in the art room for like an hour and talked the entire time about how the school system is messed up and how she knows i'm smart even if no one else does and how some people learn differently and really the fact that schools can't recognize that reflects more on them than it does on me. and when i said i kinda wanted to just drop out she said she'd do it with me and we could run away to canada and live a happy life in the woods or something which was really funny and cute *lesbian emoji* *heart emoji*

a-aron: me now! i went to see damian in the school play the other day and he was literally so amazing and talented and i'm so proud of him even though i only understood like 20 percent of what was happening onstage. and i like that he pretends to understand sports for me and i pretend to understand theatre for him, i think that's just really cute. also i've never dated a guy before so all of this is just really new and exciting and i'm really glad i get to explore this part of myself with him because he's so sweet and understanding and i love him <333

lesbean: me too! alyssa is literally my entire world, i would do anything for her, and i won't repeat all that stuff she said yesterday about last year bc that would take too long but basically she talked about how i never outed her even when we were fighting,,, and honestly that never even occurred to me. like when she said that yesterday i was like wow i had that power and it never occurred to me to use it bc even then i loved her more than anything so the thought of hurting her like that was just out of the question for me. and also i'm really glad we made up bc that little amount of time when we weren't together was the literal WORST and i don't know what i would have done if we'd officially broken up forever bc i love her wayyyy too much to let that happen.

Alana_Beck: Okay, I'll go too! Zoe is a very complex individual, and when we first met I didn't really understand her. She was a mystery to me, the way she is so free in some ways and so closed off in others. But then when I started to really get to know her, I started to understand her a little more. And when she started to trust me, she showed me different sides of herself she doesn't show to anyone else, which made - makes - me feel so special. I love you, Zoe Murphy.

gothy-teen: guyssss

Massive_Deal: All of this is...

literal_demon: beautiful

rainbow123: perfect

thegreenone: gay

kiNkY: see this is why we can't pick a favorite

space_alien: yeah, yeah

calculust: cowards

gothy-teen: can i just real quick tho...

gothy-teen has changed thegreenone's name to duck

gothy-teen has changed the_red_one's name to chandelier

gothy-teen has changed theyellowone's name to macaroni

gothy-teen: it's been bugging me

chandelier: i don't know how to feel about this

duck: hey, at least yours is something cool! mac and i got stuck with dumb things

macaroni: um excuse speak for yourself i love macaroni

ronicaaa: me too

space_alien: we know, ronnie

ronicaaa: in all the various meanings

gothy-teen: *sighs* we know, ronnie.

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:08pm

gothy-teen: so um 

gothy-teen: there’s these kids that go to my school?

space_alien: ok...

gothy-teen: and i used to think that they were all lame idiots bc most people at my school are

gothy-teen: but turns out they’re kind of not?

zoeee: where is she going with this

gothy-teen: can i add them to this chat???

literal_demon: holy shit

literal_demon: lydia made friends!!!!

gothy-teen: i don’t love how shocking that is to you

gothy-teen: but yes i did

gothy-teen: can i add them?

ronicaaa: the more the merrier

Massive_Deal: This chat is getting out of control, but yes, go for it.

gothy-teen: cool beans

gothy-teen has added player1 to the chat

gothy-teen has added player2 to the chat

gothy-teen has added bicon to the chat

gothy-teen has added theatre-nerd to the chat

gothy-teen has added br00ke to the chat

gothy-teen has added chl0e to the chat

gothy-teen has added jakehammer to the chat

calculust: whoa that's a lot of people

gothy-teen: okay my chill friends

gothy-teen: names, sexualities, and pronouns

player1: lydia what is this

gothy-teen: the ultimate groupchat idiot

player1: oh right obviously

player1: i'm jeremy, he/him, bi

player2: michael he/him gay

theatre-nerd: hi, i'm christine!!! i use she/her pronouns, and i'm pansexual!!!

br00ke: jesus christine calm down

theatre-nerd: i'm just excited to meet new friends!!!

br00ke: clearly

br00ke: i'm brooke, i'm a lesbian

chl0e: i'm chloe, she/her pronouns, and i'm bisexual

jakehammer: i'm jake, i'm aro, and i'm ftm trans, idk if that's important but yeah i use he/him pronouns

Alana_Beck: Oh, cool! I'm trans too, mtf.

jakehammer: cool

bicon: hey guys, i'm rich, i use he/him pronouns and i'm bi, as the username says

a-aron: hey not fair there's like eight bisexuals in this chat now why do you get the bicon title

bicon: well non of y'all claimed it so

calculust: he's got a point

player1: ok lydia who are these people? like what are the names and stuff

gothy-teen: oh god we can't all go through introductions again, i'll text you the link to my notes list, it has their usernames matched to their people names, plus all of their pronouns and shit

player2: wait send it to me too

theatre-nerd: me three!

gothy-teen: i will send it to all of you, calm down

br00ke: yeah guys be more chill

chl0e: yeah god

macaroni: hello brooke and chloe, my name is heather mcnamara and i am the peace officer of this chat, this is your first warning to be nice, if you are not i will remove your kneecaps

chl0e: whoa okay sorry

macaroni: you will be

ronicaaa: just want y'all to know that mac is currently laying upside down off of my bed giggling bc all the blood is rushing to her head, wearing fuzzy sweatpants with lemons printed on them and a t-shirt that says 'if i can't wear leggings i'm not going', which frankly contradicts itself bc she's wearing FUCKING SWEATPANTS, not that it bugs me or anything

br00ke: your point?

ronicaaa: don't take her threats too seriously


ronicaaa: sorry babe

ronicaaa: i was gonna tell them anyway tho bc you're fucking adorable rn but

br00ke: wait hold up lyds something is wrong with your notes thing it says there's three chicks named heather

duck: it's a popular name idk what to tell u

br00ke: wow ok

player1: this is going to be....

bicon: interesting. very, very... interesting

player1: couldn't have said it better myself

idiot: evan, do you think these people are mocking our friends?

Tree_Boy: why yes babe i do

idiot: and what happens to people who mock our friends?

Tree_Boy: we have a mature conversation with them and politely ask them to be nice?

idiot: uh,,,

idiot: ok i want to be mad bc you KNOW that's not the answer i was looking for but you are so fucking adorable i can't

player1: i changed my mind

player1: this is gonna be really, really fun

alyssa_greeene: who here thinks that jeremy is just kind of terrified of what the tree bros are gonna do to him and that's why he changed his mind?

lesbean: oh me for sure

idiot: TREE BROS

idiot: i kinda love that

lesbean: oh yeah! lyssa and i came up with ships for a bunch of y'all

lesbean: cady and janis are paint by numbers, evan and connor are tree bros, and mac and veronica are macaronnie

alyssa_greeene: the other ones are in progress

toogaytofunction: paint by numbers?

lesbean: yeah, bc janis is really artsy right? and cady's like a math genius?

space_alien: holy shit that's amazing


alyssa_greeene: *high fives emma*

space_alien: y'all are like,,, this chat's lesbian goddesses or something

lesbean: i mean yes but everyone knows this woman is the only true lesbian goddess

lesbean: hayleykiyoko.jpg

space_alien: yeah that's fair

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:23 pm

gothy-teen has changed player1's name to dork1

gothy-teen has changed player2's name to dork2

gothy-teen has changed br00ke's name to bitch1

gothy-teen has changed chl0e's name to bitch2

bitch1: hey!!!

bitch2: not cool

gothy-teen: sorry ur usernames were boring

dork1: these aren't really much better lyds

gothy-teen: i'm tired ok

dork1 has changed their name to whyamievenheere

dork2 has changed their name to Micheal_Mell

jakehammer: boring

jakehammer has changed Micheal_Mell's name to micheal_sMells

micheal_sMells: you know what jake

jakehammer: wot

micheal_sMells: idk i didn't really think it thru this far

bitch1 has changed their name to wannaride

bitch2 has changed their name to wannahang

jakehammer has changed their name to Jakey-D

gothy-teen: jake why would you change your name it was fine

Jakey-D: idk i just like this better

macaroni: isn't it like 1am where you guys are? why aren't you asleep

whyamievenheere: 1am isn't thaaat late

micheal_sMells: yeahhh that's like a normal time to go to bed

calculust: is it?

whyamievenheere: yes cady stop judging us

micheal_sMells: yeah listen to mac and be nice

calculust: i was just saying!!!

space_alien: are micheal and jeremy dating? i can't tell

wannaride: no they're not

wannahang: they're just friends

whyamievenheere: actually no janis is right we're dating

wannaride: w h a t

Jakey-D: lol brooke is shooke

wannaride: not how you spell shook

Jakey-D: i KNOW it was a fucking JOKE

wannaride: ohhhhh

Jakey-D: #brookhasfailed

macaroni: HEY

macaroni: BE NICE

macaroni: i'm really not in the mood to remove kneecaps rn but I WILL IF NECESSARY

ronicaaa: babe pls calm down

macaroni: I Will Not

calculust: guys can i add kevin g to this chat? he saw me looking at it earlier and now he won't stop begging me to add him

space_alien: omg yesss do it

space_alien: that kid is literally so funny

toogaytofunction: um he's kind of annoying but go off

Massive_Deal: Everyone in this chat is annoying, Damian.

toogaytofunction: good point

discoball: go for it cady

calculust has added gspot to the chat

gspot: sup motherfuckers

gspot: cady who's on here

calculust: uhhh

gothy-teen: oh for the love of god

gothy-teen: here

gothy-teen: ultimategc.notes

gothy-teen: now everyone has it

gspot: cool beans

gspot: wait three heathers?

chandelier: omfg

duck: yes 

macaroni: we are all named heather

chandelier: get over it already

gspot: woah ok chill

calculust: kevin, please introduce yourself

gspot: okay

calculust: NOT in the form of a rap

gspot: dammit africa why do you always take the fun out of everything

calculust: if you don't behave they're all going to kill me for adding u so if you want to keep your mathlete funding i suggest you do as i say

idiot: cady being a real top over here

kiNkY: bet janis is sweating rn lol

caclulust: oh shut up

calculust: kevin, just say your name pronouns and sexuality

gspot: i'm kevin g, i use he/him pronouns, and i'm omnisexual

calculust: thank you

gspot: that caused me physical pain

calculust: i'm sorry to hear it

gspot: are you guys seeing how mean she is to me???

ronicaaa: yeah mac i though you would have jumped in to yell at cady by now

macaroni: nah this is funny

macaroni: i like it when cady gets all feisty

space_alien: BACK OFF SHE'S MINE

ronicaaa: yeah and also i am your gf????

toogaytofunction: #attackofthegaycousins

macaroni: i meant platonically but go off

calculust: this whole conversation is making me very Uncomfortable™

space_alien: oh sorry babe

caclulust: it's okay lol i just wanted to do the trademark symbol

bicon: okay it's official cady is a fucking queen

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:01 pm

literal_demon: hey guys

literal_demon: entertain me pls

literal_demon: lydias at school and im bored

duck: she is? it's 4, shouldn't she be home by now?

literal_demon: yeah

literal_demon: she had detention

space_alien: ooh what'd she do

literal_demon: idk she usually has detention so it's hard to keep track

space_alien: mood

calculust: no!!! janis!!! not mood!!! detention is bad!!!

space_alien: not really

space_alien: mrs. norbury always just lets us do hw or listen to music

calculust: that doesn't mean you should try to get detention!!!

space_alien: i don't try!!! it just happens!!!

calculust: bc you do bad stuff

space_alien: you know i do ;-)

ronicaaa: janis no

space_alien: sorry!!! she set me up for it

toogaytofunction: and janis has zero self control so

space_alien: it's true

gspot: alternate title for this chat: janis roasting herself 24/7

space_alien: hey!!!

literal_demon: he has a point

space_alien: um, did i ask you? no, i don't think i did

macaroni: janis

macaroni: be

macaroni: NICE

space_alien: they're being mean to me!!!

gspot: alternate title 2.0: janis being bullied 24/7

calculust: that kinda contradicts the first one kev

gspot: not really!!! she roasts herself AND gets bullied!

calculust: hmmm

literal_demon: this is not entertaining enough

space_alien: oh that sucks for u huh

literal_demon: STOP fucking BULLYING ME you're like lydia 2.0

space_alien: lol ik

gothy-teen: sup folks

literal_demon: LYDIA THANK GOD

literal_demon: aren't u supposed to be in detention

gothy-teen: yeah but i'm snekky and i decided to text in detention

calculust: won't that just earn you another detention?

gothy-teen: only if i get caught

calculust: jesus christ all of you are TERRIBLE INFLUENCES

space_alien: i don't hear u complaining

calculust: i am complaining! how are you not getting that?

space_alien: I Feel Attacked

space_alien: :-((((

calculust: aww i'm sorry bby

space_alien: :-)))

toogaytofunction: wow she's got you wrapped around her finger cady

calculust: huh?

literal_demon: lol everyone thinks tops have all the power in the relationship but in reality...

space_alien: what are you implying?

toogaytofunction: that you're a bottom

space_alien: um excuse??? where did you get that idea???

ronicaaa: your general personality, your dynamic with cady...

calculust: yeah everyone knows it babe sorry

space_alien: caddy!!! don't sell me out!!!

calculust: you can't sell someone out when everyone already knows

space_alien: why is mac not coming to my rescue rn??? this is homophobia!!!

toogaytofunction: it's actually the opposite but whatever

macaroni: i mean they're not technically wrong so i don't have anything to defend you from

space_alien: this is Not Okay

whyamievenheere: but it's fun to watch

literal_demon: yeah i'm officially entertained now

space_alien: oh fuck you guys

macaroni: hey!!! language!!!

space_alien: oh, NOW you step in? ronnie, tell your gf to stop being mean to me

ronicaaa: that would require me having any control over her whatsoever so nope can't do that

wannaride: um does that make ronnie the bottom or the top

ronicaaa: oh no we are NOT doing this

space_alien: less entertaining when it's happening to you, huh?

ronicaaa has muted the chat

gothy-teen: um rude

gspot: alternate title no. 3: veronica constantly being smarter than janis 

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:09 pm

alyssa_greeene: GUYS

lesbean: hahaha

alyssa_greeene: i just burned myself on a POP TART

lesbean: hahahahaha

alyssa_greeene: i have a BURN on my HAND bc of a POP TART

lesbean: hahahahahahah

alyssa_greeene: stop laughing at me!!!

bicon: it is kinda funny tho

Jakey-D: i was gonna say pathetic but funny works too

alyssa_greeene: does no one care that i'm in excruciating pain rn???

macaroni: i care! that sounds awful

alyssa_greeene: thank you mac

alyssa_greeene: apparently mac is the only one in this chat with a HEART

lesbean: no wait babe i'm sorry i laughed ily

alyssa_greeene: ok i forgive you

lesbean: it was just funny bc when you realized how hot it was you like tossed it all the way across the room and it stuck to the wall

idiot: hahahahahahahaha

alyssa_greeene: oh great, we're back to laughing at me

zoeee: sorry but it is kinda funny

alyssa_greeene: my mom's gonna kill me when she sees pink sprinkles stuck to the wall

whyamievenheere:"alyssa! why are there pink sprinkles on the wall?"

lesbean: actually it was one of the ones with the multicolored sprinkles

whyamievenheere: even better

alyssa_greeene: guys!!! stop!!!

Alana_Beck: I have a very important question for you, Alyssa.

alyssa_greeene: ...yes?

Alana_Beck: Did you eat the Pop Tart? Or is it still stuck to the wall? This is knowledge that I must have.

alyssa_greeene: jesus christ even alana's teasing me now

lesbean: to answer your question, alana, it's still stuck to the wall

alyssa_greeene: babe? pls stop giving them ammo

lesbean: lyssa refuses to touch it

lesbean: says it betrayed her

alyssa_greeene: what did i JUST SAY

lesbean: that you love me no matter what???

alyssa_greeene: >:-(((((

Massive_Deal: So the pop tart reeeeally popped, didn't it?

discoball: pop tart popped off

lesbean: WAIT

lesbean: it's starting to slide down the wall


discoball: it's leaving a trail of frosting lmao

alyssa_greeene: i'm still not touching it

mynameiskaren: now i'm hungry

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:14 am


calculust: janis NO it is 2 am

space_alien: just click on it and go to 0:47 and turn on subtitles PLEASE i beg of you

literal_demon: is there a reason you’re watching hayley kiyoko videos in the middle of the night? or

space_alien: do i need a reason?

kiNkY: i mean kind of yeah

gothy-teen: shut up jared no one ever needs a reason to watch hayley kiyoko videos 

calculust: yeah she’s right

calculust: like not to be dramatic but i would leave janis for that woman

calculust: and y'all know i would never leave janis

space_alien: i can't even be mad about that bc i would totally leave u for her too

calculust: <333

kiNkY: wlw culture right here folks

gothy-teen: damn straight

literal_demon: >:-000 lydia you said the forbidden word

gothy-teen: what, straight?


gothy-teen: oh sorry sorry

space_alien: this is a no-straight zone

calculust: ^

space_alien: did y'all do the thing i said???

literal_demon: which thing

space_alien: ok so

space_alien: click on the link i sent

space_alien: turn on subtitles

space_alien: and go to 0:47

calculust: ahahaha

kiNkY: *gay excitement*

gothy-teen: these subtitles know what's up

literal_demon: someone needs to make this into a meme

calculust: jan did you show this to damian

space_alien: i TRIED but he left me on delivered

space_alien: who the fuck doesn't check their phone at 2 am???

Massive_Deal: Um, literally everyone with a brain?

calculust: a wild regina appears

space_alien: come to mock us for having insomnia, reggie?

calculust: um excuse you I do not have insomnia

space_alien: then why are you awake?

calculust: you woke me up!!!!

calculust: you literally jumped on me and said "wake up i'm bored"

Massive_Deal: Why were you guys together anyway? Do your parents actually let you sleep at each other's houses?

space_alien: lol no

calculust: janis snuck into my room last night

space_alien: i still can't believe your parents gave you the room with a TREE next to the window like come on it's too easy

calculust: not really!!! you almost fell like twelve times!!!

calculust: it made my anxiety go 📈 📈 📈

space_alien: anyhoo we don't need to talk about my lack of athletic abilities

space_alien: why are YOU up reggie

Massive_Deal: Because my phone kept buzzing!!!!

kiNkY: i don't buy it

gothy-teen: yeah no one ever wakes up bc of notifications

gothy-teen: i mean unless you sleep w ur phone under ur pillow but

space_alien: which btw is not a good thing to do

Massive_Deal: I have to, though. I don't want my parents to go through my texts and sleeping with my phone is the only way to 100% make sure of that.

space_alien: why?? don't want them to see the dirty texts you exchange w ur latest hookup?

Massive_Deal: First off, I haven't hooked up with anyone in like three months. And no, I just don't want them to find out I'm gay.

calculust: what?? i thought they knew???

Massive_Deal: Nope. My mom knows something's up, but she's always been so into, like, talking about boys with me that I'm scared she'll be mad when she finds out I don't actually like boys.

space_alien: that's dumb

calculust: janis!!!!

space_alien: sorry! it's just, if your mom really loves you and wants to have a good relationship with u she won't be mad

Massive_Deal: Still! It's gonna change anything. And despite popular belief, I actually kind of love my mother. I'd like to keep her loving me.

space_alien: and you think bc your gay she wont???? again, DUMB

Massive_Deal: Oh my God, Janis, stop! I'm scared, okay?

space_alien: i'm just saying

space_alien: love should not be conditional

space_alien: and i know your mother, all she's ever wanted is for u to share your life with her

Massive_Deal: You think?

space_alien: REGINA

space_alien: YES omg

gothy-teen: so turns out that at 2 am janis and regina are friends?

Massive_Deal: We're always friends.

space_alien: we're just softer when we're sleep deprived

calculust: false janis is always soft

calculust: but carry on

space_alien: nuh uh i hate you all

calculust: last night u texted me like a hundred heart emojis

space_alien: ...

space_alien: out of hate

calculust: you also climbed through my bedroom window and cried about how much you love me

space_alien: i'm way too sleep deprived to deal w your negativity right now

calculust: don't jake peralta me

calculust: and it wasnt negativity, i'm just stating facts

space_alien: shut up

calculust: you shut up

space_alien: i love you

calculust: i love you too

kiNkY: yes i feel god in this chili's tonight

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:17am

rainbow123: hey guys!!! would it be ok if i added some friends to this chat?

bicon: depends

idiot: are they fun? or boring like the rest of y'all

Tree_Boy: babe!!! be nice

bicon: i mean, he's not wrong

ronicaaa: hey!!! we are many things, but we are NOT boring

idiot: yeah fair enough ig

bicon: martha, tell us about these friends u wanna add

rainbow123: oh! well they're jocks, and they've been best friends forever, and they're kinda dumb and annoying but cady added kevin so i feel like that makes us even

gspot: hey!!! i am NOT a jock

rainbow123: but you are kinda dumb and annoying

macaroni: martha!! you're usually such a peacemaker

rainbow123: im in a mood rn idk what to tell you

ronicaaa: martha PLEASE don't tell me you want to add kurt and ram

chandelier: what other jocks do we know, veronica?

ronicaaa: good point

rainbow123: ok no one is actually telling me if i should or not so i'm just gonna 

rainbow123 has added kurtkelly to the chat

rainbow123 has added ramsweeney to the chat

kurtkelly: whoa what is this

gothy-teen: before either of you ask, here: ultimategc.notes

gothy-teen: and yes there are three heathers

ramsweeney: we know dude

kurtkelly: we go to their school

ramsweeney: yeah dude

gothy-teen: oh yeah i forgot

ronicaaa: those are really creative usernames, guys

kurtkelly: thanks bro

ramsweeney: that's cuz kurt's the smartest guy on the football team

kurtkelly: bro

ramsweeney: bro

gothy-teen: isn't that kind of like being the tallest dwarf??

ronicaaa: that's what i always say!!!!

space_alien: so i gather that these people are kurt kelly and ram sweeney

kurtkelly: you know it

space_alien: ronnie. if they are straight istg

ronicaaa: they're not

ramsweeney: are too!!!

ronicaaa: ram stop lying

ramsweeney: ok

duck: kurt and ram are the kind of bros that kiss each other goodnight

space_alien: ok i can get behind that

space_alien: don't want any hets contaminating my pure gay chat

bicon: in what way is it your chat?

space_alien: i started it

gothy-teen: did you? i thought i did

space_alien: really? i don't actually remember

idiot: whos gonna scroll up and find out

space_alien: ...

gothy-teen: ...

space_alien: guess we'll never know

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:56 pm

duck: listen

duck: i don't want to pry

duck: but i just realized we never heard the regina-cady-damian-gretchen-karen-aaron-i-forget-the-other-names story

space_alien: literally the only name left was mine but like go off

duck: oh yeah

duck: sorry

duck: but can we hear it?

Massive_Deal: Shouldn't you be in class, not bothering us?

ronicaaa: westerburg has the day off today

chandelier: suck it, bitches

macaroni: why are you texting in class, regina?

kurtkelly: yeahhh gina geeeeeezzz

Massive_Deal: Call me Gina again and you will die.

kurtkelly: copy

Massive_Deal: Also, please change your username. The lack of creativity is killing me.

chandelier has changed kurtkelly's name to tallestdwarf

ronicaaa has changed ramsweeney's name to linebacker4hugedick8

Massive_Deal: Better. Thank you.

chandelier: no problem

ronicaaa: damn heather being civil for once

chandelier: shut up

duck: ignoring that, are we hearing the story or no???

space_alien: guys?

calculust: go for it

discoball: yep, start us off jan

space_alien: okay here goes

Massive_Deal: *mentally prepares for everyone's hatred*

calculust: no one's gonna hate you

space_alien: weeeeell

calculust: janis!!!

space_alien: sorry! i'll just hurry up and tell the story

duck: yes PLEASE

space_alien: so regina and i were best friends in middle school

space_alien: like, i was once a mini-plastic

space_alien: dyed blonde hair and everything

calculust: WHAT

calculust: how come no one told me that detail??

space_alien: where did you think the dyed tips came from?

calculust: ohhhhh

space_alien: ANYWAY

space_alien: so anyway, reggie and i were best friends until eighth grade, when she got her first boyfriend, kyle

gothy-teen: boyfriend??? isn't regina gay???

space_alien: patience, grasshopper

space_alien: so regina had a boyfriend, and she kept blowing me off to go hang out with him and shit like that, and then when i called her to ask where she was she'd be like "omigod, why are you so OBSESSED with me?"

duck: damn regina

Massive_Deal: I warned you guys, this story makes me look really bad.

space_alien: and i haven't even gotten to the really bad part yet

Massive_Deal: Oh, just get it over with.

space_alien: so for regina's thirteenth birthday party, she was having an all-girls pool party at her house, because she's rich and has a pool and we all just accept that. but the day before the party, she came up to me before school and said "janis, i can't invite you to my party because i think you're a lesbian. and i can't have a lesbian at my pool party, there will be girls there in their bathing suits!!!"

space_alien: now keep in mind, reggie here is JUST AS GAY AS I AM

space_alien: but no one knew that at the time

ronicaaa: regina oh my god

Massive_Deal: I told you!!! I was a little bitch!!! I know, okay?

space_alien: anyway, she just kept asking me over and over if i was a lesbian, and the truth is i didn't really know, like i'd had my suspicions but i wasn't really sure yet, and i didn't understand why my friend was doing this to me or why she seemed to think it was such a bad thing, so i just yelled "i am a space alien and i have four butts!"

toogaytofunction: bad choices 101 with janis sarkisian folks

calculust: damian!!!

toogaytofunction: i'm just saying!

space_alien: yeah he's right, it was a bad choice, bc by the end of the day someone had sharpied 'space dyke' onto my locker

space_alien: and then shoved me into it

calculust: you never told me that part!!!

space_alien: yeah, well

calculust: who shoved you into a locker??? imma kill them

space_alien: it doesn't matter who did it

space_alien: it was shane oman

space_alien: but anyway

space_alien: i went home crying to my mom and told her what happened and that i was pretty sure regina was right, that i was a lesbian. and she was cool with it, but she told me i had to tell my dad. and i did, that night at dinner. he proceeded to call me a dyke and spit in my face. and my mom didn't like that, so she made me go upstairs to my room while she and my dad yelled at each other, and at some point i heard the front door slam and he was gone. idk if she kicked him out or if he just left, but either way i felt suuuuper guilty about being the reason my parents' marriage ended, plus i had a ton of internalized homophobia from everything, so...

space_alien: i can't do it damian will you

toogaytofunction: sure thing hon

toogaytofunction: she started cutting herself

ronicaaa: WHAT

ronicaaa: janis i am you COUSIN how do i not know this

space_alien: uhh bc i didn't tell you cuz i didn't want to activate the protective cousin in you

ronicaaa: tsk tsk janis

toogaytofunction: anyway, her mom found out about the cutting eventually and pulled her out of school so that she could keep an eye on her and put her into full-time therapy

toogaytofunction: which is where she met me!!!

space_alien: oh yeah it was pretty great actually

space_alien: i came out of my therapy session one day to see this kid sitting in the waiting area and he looked like a fellow gay so i said hi, and he grinned at me and said "daddy issues?" and i said "partly" and he said "mood" and basically we've been inseparable ever since

chandelier: that's kinda cute actually

ronicaaa: heather wtf is up with you today

ronicaaa: you're like... being nice

chandelier: this chat brings out the best in me idk what to tell u

space_alien: anyhoo i came back to school freshman year with damian by my side and we got bullied a ton but it was ok bc we weren't alone anymore

space_alien: meanwhile regina had found two new plastics to replace me with

space_alien: reggie? take it away

Massive_Deal: I need a second.

space_alien: what's wrong??

Massive_Deal: What's wrong? You just detailed all the ways in which I ruined your life, and I feel fucking terrible about it is what's wrong.

space_alien: oh my god, are we still talking about this? i forgave you, remember???

Massive_Deal: Yeah, but...

Massive_Deal: Whatever. I'm just gonna have to live with the guilt. 

Massive_Deal: Yeah, so while Janis wasn't in school, a few things happened. First, Kyle moved to Indiana. Which, to be honest, I was kind of relieved about. But then I realized that I'd just alienated my only friend and lost a boyfriend. So, being the little dictator I was, I went in search of some new people to worship me. And I found Gretchen and Karen. Gretch was in my math class, and she always laughed super loud at all the jokes I made about the teacher, Mrs. Moorecock. So one day I invited her over to my house. After that, she pretty much just stuck with me everywhere I went. A few weeks later, I accidentally hit this girl in the head with a basketball during P.E. I wasn't planning on apologizing, because as we've established, I was a little bitch, but Gretchen ran over and started apologizing profusely, as if it was her fault. She invited the girl over to our table to make up for it, which I was pissed about, until I realized that this girl seemed to like me, despite me having hit her in the head less than an hour before. So I let her stay. That girl was Karen. After that incident, though, I made the rule about having to agree to invite someone over to the table as a group.

mynameiskaren: i dont remember you ever hitting me on the head with a basketball

discoball: yeah, well, it's possible she gave you a concussion

mynameiskaren: oh! :-)

Massive_Deal: Yeah. Sorry about that.

a-aron: anyway, so basically regina ruled the school by the time sophomore year rolled around. which, i'm sorry to say, caught my attention.

space_alien: 'sorry to say'? woof, that's gotta sting, reggie

Massive_Deal: I mean, I deserve it, though.

space_alien: true true

a-aron: yeah so regina and i started dating in the middle of sophomore year

Massive_Deal: I thought it was more like toward the end of sophomore year?

a-aron: no, that's when you started cheating on me with shane oman

Massive_Deal: Oh. Yeah. Whoops.

space_alien: shane oman's a dickhead

space_alien: just putting that out there

Massive_Deal: He is. But he was into me, and I was addicted to the attention.

a-aron: anyway, so i found out during the summer before junior year, because gretchen told me, and i broke up with regina immediately

discoball: aaron!!! don't tell her that!!!

Massive_Deal: It's okay, Gretch. I kind of figured it was you.

discoball: and you're not mad?

Massive_Deal: No.

discoball: oh

discoball: okay

duck: sensing some toxicity here

Massive_Deal: Ex-toxicity. I used to be really mean to Gretchen, but I'm trying to fix that.

duck: ah

toogaytofunction: so aaron and regina were broken up. and then. on the first day of junior year...

calculust: i showed up!!!

kiNkY: wait, where had you been?

calculust: kenya

theatre-nerd: wait, what???

calculust: my parents are zoologists, and when i was two they got research jobs in africa, and we lived there until i was sixteen, when they lost their funding

calculust: so i showed up to the first day of school at north shore high having never gone to public school, much less public american school

toogaytofunction: she was wearing sock with sandals, you guys

chandelier: oh, oh cady

toogaytofunction: i KNOW

toogaytofunction: it's what made me and janis track her down during lunch and offer to help her out

space_alien: no, it's what made YOU track her down

toogaytofunction: right, right, janis only followed bc she's super gay and cady is a regulation hottie

space_alien: accurate

calculust: thanks???

space_alien: love you

calculust: <333

calculust: anyway, janis and damian gave me a tour of the cafeteria, and i agreed to sit with them, but then regina spotted me. i guess she was interested bc i was the new kid and i didn't fit into any cliques yet and she wanted to claim me or something.

Massive_Deal: Actually, I noticed you for the same reasons Janis did.

toogaytofunction: cady and janis both just choked on their food

calculust: regina WHAT???

space_alien: ^^^

Massive_Deal: What? I'm just saying. Even with that dreadful outfit choice, Cady's pretty hot.

space_alien: back off she's mine

Massive_Deal: I meant, like, objectively. I'm not gonna steal your girlfriend.

calculust: um

calculust: moving past that shocking piece of information, i'll continue w the story ig

calculust: so the plastics invited me to sit with them for the rest of the week, and they didn't really make it sound like i had a choice, so i did.

calculust: but secretly i told janis and damian about all the dumb shit they said

calculust: it was a real spy situation

calculust: and then i met aaron

space_alien: *sighs*

space_alien: this is my least favorite part of the story

toogaytofunction: really???

space_alien: well, second least favorite

duck: way to foreshadow

space_alien: thank you

calculust: so i met aaron in calculus class, and it was kind of perfect because gretchen had just been asking what guys i thought were cute and i was smart enough to know that i'd be toast if i told her the truth, which was that i was totally into janis. and aaron was nice enough and cute enough and i think i did like him, a little bit. but i ended up hyperfocusing on him because of *internalized homophobia*. but then i found out that he was regina's ex bc gretchen told me, and that just added a whole new layer of complications bc i'd already said i liked him, there was no turning back now. and then regina found out that i liked him bc gretchen told her and she took him back just to spite me, and i was actually kind of relieved but i pretended to be devastated. at this point, i learned the real story about janis and regina, not the fake one regina had fed to me, and i agreed to help janis and damian take revenge on her

space_alien: revengeeee partaaaaayy bitchessss

calculust: i pretended not to be hurt about the aaron thing, which wasn't too hard bc i wasn't, and we tried a bunch of different things to take regina down. we fed her kalteen bars to make her gain weight, cut holes in her shirts, etc. but none of those things seemed to be working, so we decided to crack gretchen, since she knew all of regina's secrets

Massive_Deal: Sorry to interupt, but you have to talk about the Burn Book at some point.

toogaytofunction: omg i totally forgot about that

calculust: me too lol

calculust: so the burn book was this thing that gretchen and karen and regina had made a few years before, where they cut out girl's pictures out of the yearbook and wrote comments

calculust: i.e. janis sarkisian is a space dyke, trang pak is a grotsky biotch, stuff like that

gothy-teen: are we supposed to know who trang pak is?

discoball: no one does, really

gothy-teen: but she's a grotsky biotch?

Massive_Deal: She fucked Coach Carr, so yeah. I'd say she is.

gothy-teen: idk who coach carr is but ill take ur word for it

calculust: so, the burn book was a thing. but before we went off on that tangent, i was talking about cracking gretchen

calculust: basically i sent myself a candy cane gram and pretended that it was from regina, bc i knew she wouldn't actually send any candy cane grams. and gretchen thought that it meant regina liked me better than her, so she broke down and started telling me a bunch of regina's secrets, like how regina was cheating on aaron with shane oman

a-aron: again

calculust: yep, so i told him and he broke up with her, and gretchen was still mad about the candy cane gram so she told regina she couldn't sit at the plastics table anymore. regina george was officially vanquished.

space_alien: the problem? along the way, cady herself had become a plastic

calculust: yep. and i'd convinced myself that i actually did like aaron, so i threw a party and invited him so that he would ask me out.

toogaytofunction: this. this is the worst part.

calculust: yeah

calculust: aaron didn't ask me out. he berated me for acting too much like regina and left. meanwhile, janis and damian found out about the party, which was an issue bc i told janis i couldn't go to her art show bc i had to go to a thing with my parents. so they drove up on damian's jazzy and janis screamed at me, which i totally deserved, but i was super drunk and mad and confused and i just wanted it to stop, so i said "it's not my fault you're like in love with me or something!"

space_alien: which would have been a shitty thing to say even if it wasn't true

calculust: i didn't know it was true!!!!

space_alien: yeah, well

calculust: anyway, janis gave a speech about how i was a plastic and plastics always think everyone's in love with them when really everyone hates them, and how at least regina had the guts not to pretend to be her friend, and if it wasn't directed at me i would have been like yes queen preach

toogaytofunction: i whispered that under my breath like twelve times during the speech

space_alien: thanks guys

toogaytofunction: i mean, you were sobbing, but like...

duck: ouch

Massive_Deal: Meanwhile, I had found about Cady's party through Instagram, and I was really pissed. So I wrote a bunch of the things I was thinking about Cady in the Burn Book, but pasted my picture below it. 

chandelier: why your picture??

Massive_Deal: I'm getting to that part! 

Massive_Deal: I made a shitload of photocopies of the pages in the Burn Book and brought them to school the next day. While everyone was sitting in class like nerds, I went around and tossed the copies all over the hallway. Then I went to Principal Duvall with the real Burn Book and showed it to him. Because I'd made it look like someone had written about me, the only girls in the school that weren't in it were Cady, Gretchen, and Karen. So they all got pulled into the principal's office while everyone else read the Burn Book pages and started fighting each other. The teachers realized what was happening and brought us all into the gym, where we had to give public apologies to people we'd hurt. 

toogaytofunction: and that was when janis gave bomb-ass speech 2.0!!!

space_alien: oh yeah lol

space_alien: i apologized to myself for letting myself get roped into loving another stone-cold bitch, and then i ranted for like 20 minutes about the patriarchy

ronicaaa: yass queen slay

calculust: when regina figured out we'd tricked her, she ran outside and i followed her, and we yelled at each other in the street until...

Massive_Deal: I got hit by a bus.

chandelier: damn, girl!

Massive_Deal: I mean, I was standing in the street.

Massive_Deal: But yeah, I died for seven minutes. I met God.

gothy-teen: what'd she look like?

Massive_Deal: Ethnically ambiguous.

zoeee: nice b99 reference

calculust: so then basically i got voted spring fling queen, and it's a long story but i apologized to janis and gave a speech about loving who you are and shit and everyone's friends now

duck: what about you and aaron?

calculust: oh yeah!! well, i still was in love with janis, but i figured i'd ruined my chances with her, and aaron still liked me, so we dated for a while, but eventually i gave up bc i knew i would never like him as much as janis, and then... well, we got together through this chat

space_alien: and they all lived happily ever after

calculust: love you babe

space_alien <333

chandelier: well, that was quite an emotional roller coaster

idiot: damn

Jakey-D: y'all should like,,, write a book or make a movie or something

toogaytofunction: bold of you to assume we're that talented

toogaytofunction: we'd need to hire like,,, a tina fey-level screenwriter to make this into a coherent movie

Jakey-D: yeah fair enough

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:23 pm

idiot: guys

idiot: i hate my sister

rainbow123: hate is a very strong word connor

zoeee: yeah connor geez

idiot: she ate my last brownie!!!!

idiot: it's unforgivable

wannaride: is it reeeeally though?

idiot: yes! now i have to go buy more weed

wannahang: oh they were weed brownies

tallestdwarf: nice

idiot: ikr

macaroni: omg u are all such bad influences

idiot: relax it's just pot

macaroni: it's still a drug!!

idiot: a very expensive one!! it took me forever to get it and make the brownies without my parents figuring it out and then zoe had to go eat the last one!!!

zoeee: sory no sorre hahahahahagagaefnokn

idiot: she's very obnoxious when shes high

zoeee: an mot

zoeee: whoopsses

zoeee: hahahah

calculust: does this happen... often? or

idiot: well it wouldn't if she would stop eating my weed brownies

zoeee: if they on thecountee they is free game

Massive_Deal: Connor, why on earth would you leave pot brownies sitting on the counter where your parents could easily find them?

idiot: well see

idiot: i was gonna put them away

idiot: but then i got high and forgot what i was doing

space_alien: im starting to see how accurate connors username really is

zoeee: hahahahahaha

Alana_Beck: Zoe, sweetie, go lay down. Please.

zoeee: nope!

calculust: i have an idea on how to solve this issue

idiot: you have a way of cancelling zoe's high? please explain

calculust: no, sorry, not that, you're on your own there

idiot: fuck 

macaroni: language!

calculust: my idea was that you could just,,, stop making pot brownies? i feel like that would solve most of your problems

idiot: damn i thought it was gonna be a good idea

calculust: it is a good idea! don't take illegal pot and you won't get illegally high!

idiot: well where's the fun in that?

calculust: jan, back me up

space_alien: well i want to but i'm busy laughing ovr the fact that you said 'take' pot

calculust: is that not correct?

space_alien: no! you smoke pot!

calculust: not with pot brownies!!

space_alien: hmm good point

space_alien: connor which is it

idiot: idk

idiot: i don't use the language i just do it

zoeee: heeeheeeheee

Alana_Beck: We are all disasters.

Massive_Deal: Well...

Alana_Beck: *The Murphy siblings are disasters.

Massive_Deal: Keep going...

Alana_Beck: **Everyone except Regina and I are disasters.

Massive_Deal: There it is.

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 6:07 pm


bicon: wot

duck: heather is being a bitch!!!

ronicaaa: stop. which heather, in what way, and why do you feel the need to scream in the chat about it

duck: which heather do you think? she wont buy me starbucks!! and i'm screaming in the chat about it CUZ ITS IMPORTANT

Jakey-D: no wait can you actually tell us which heather, some of us are unfamiliar with the friendship dynamic

duck: heather FUCKING chandler wont buy me a FUCKING iced coffee

macaroni: watch your FUCKING language

duck: shut up mac

ronicaaa: >:-00000

macaroni: gonna go cry now

duck: no wait i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm just feeling a bit angry toward PEOPLE NAMED HEATHER right now

bicon: aren't you also named heather??

duck: oh fuck off

chandelier: heather i literally never said i wouldn't buy you starbucks, i just said i wouldn't buy you an iced coffe since it's like twenty-five degrees out rn

space_alien: oh. oh i see what's happening

duck: i told you it was important!!!

gothy-teen: what's going on? i just got here

duck: heather is BETRAYING THE GAYS

chandelier: what the fuck is that supposed to mean? i won't buy you iced coffee because it's freezing and i care about your well-being

duck: thanks, but i'm gay

chandelier: a., you're ace, b., being lgbtq does not mean you are incapable of drinking hot coffee

duck: but iced coffee is so much betterrrr

ronicaaa: she has a point

chandelier: i do not understand why someone would drink iced coffee when there is literal SNOW on the ground

space_alien: someone take away her gay card asap

chandelier: just because i'm not a lunatic doesn't mean i'm hetero!!!

ronicaaa: you're so weird

chandelier: says the girl who fucked a murderer

theatre-nerd: wait WHAT

ronicaaa: was he a murderer if he never technically killed anyone?

chandelier: *attempted murderer

bicon: ok i need to hear this story

chandelier: veronica?? you wanna tell???

ronicaaa: yeah sure

ronicaaa: it's kinda intense but

ronicaaa: after the northshore gang's story i think y'all can handle it

space_alien: our story isn't thaaat intense

ronicaaa: ...anyway

ronicaaa: so for the first two years of high school, i was an outcast. martha and i were part of the peasant level of the student body, if you will, and the heathers were the queens. but on the first day of junior year, i got them out of detention by forging a hall pass for them, and they let me join their group as a thank-you.

chandelier: ahem

ronicaaa: fine, i begged them to let me join and they relented

chandelier: better

ronicaaa: anyway, a few weeks after joining the heathers this new kid named JD showed up at school and i was like damn ok this dude is kinda hot

ronicaaa: plus on the first day he beat up kurt and ram which was pretty funny tbh

tallestdwarf: hey!!!

linebacker3hugedick8: huh?

ronicaaa: meanwhile heather c was being a bitch and she made me forge a note from ram to martha inviting her to his homecoming party

bicon: uhhh why

rainbow123: ram and i were best friends in kindergarten and everyone thought i was in love with him

ronicaaa: but she WASN'T lol

ronicaaa: still tho it was humiliating bc martha thought the note was actually from ram and she showed up at his homecoming party and thanked him for writing the note and he was like "what note? you're so weird"

ronicaaa: and then i felt bad so i defended martha and then puked vodka onto chandler's tits

space_alien: classy

ronicaaa: thank you, dear cousin

chandelier: it was quite unpleasant, if anyone was wondering

ronicaaa: anyhoo she basically told me she was going to end me so naturally i went to JD's house and slept with him

Jakey-D: um what

Jakey-D: had you even talked to him yet?

ronicaaa: yes! we had a deep convo in a 7-11!!!

macaroni: not really making the case you think you're making babe

ronicaaa: whatever!! i was drunk and he was hot and he seemed nice enough even though he clearly had some issues!

space_alien: what kinda issues

ronicaaa: mom-committed-suicide-right-in-front-of-him-and-dad-acted-more-like-a-child-than-a-parent kind of issues?

space_alien: jesus christ ronnie

ronicaaa: i know!! stop mocking me!! besides, janis, you already knew all this

space_alien: that doesn't make it better

Jakey-D: how'd you even find his address?

ronicaaa: ANYWAY

ronicaaa: the next morning i decided i needed to apologize to chandler and jd came with me and while i was mixing her a hangover cure i was joking about spitting into it and he was like "or we could fill it with draino"

bicon: whoa dude

ronicaaa: yeah. but i thought he was joking and i let him actually fill a mug with draino as a joke. and then when we went to go give heather her hangover cure i accidentally grabbed the wrong mug and almost gave heather the draino

ronicaaa: luckily she noticed before she drank it and everything was all good, except i was a little pissed at jd but i figured it was probably an accident so i didn't think much of it

ronicaaa: but then a few weeks later kurt and ram were JOKINGLY teasing me, but he didn't realize they weren't serious, and all of a sudden he had a gun pulled on them and his finger was on the trigger

bicon: jesus christ

ronicaaa: i know. so of course i was like omg jd stop and he was all "no they were being mean to you and they need to die, this is how we make the world better, we get rid of assholes, please, our love is god" and i grabbed for the gun and he dodged me and we ended up wrestling on the football field trying to get ahold of the gun and then all of a sudden it went off and he was gone

ronicaaa: and i was like "holy shit i just killed my boyfriend" and i just sat there next to his body until class got out and everyone came outside to see what was going on and idk what happened after that but all i know is that someone pulled me away from his body and they took him away and i haven't seen him since. he didnt even get a funeral, his dad disappeared the day after his death and a few weeks later they found him drowned in a river somewhere, his death was ruled an accident but everyone knows it was a suicide, just like jd's death was ruled an accident but everyone knows i killed him

space_alien: nah it was def an accident ronnie

ronicaaa: that's what mac always tells me

ronicaaa: that is the one thing i remember from after i shot him, when i was in shock and sitting at the steps of the school and just completely unaware of anything happening around me, mac came up to me and slapped me in the face and was like "jesus christ ronnie you could have died and that's not allowed i love you too much"

macaroni: we've been together ever since ;-)

bicon: damn that is intense

ronicaaa: told ya

space_alien: you are going to therapy, right?

ronicaaa: yes janis, that's like the twelfth time you've asked me that this week

space_alien: i'm just looking out for my baby cousin!!!

ronicaaa: i'm older than you??

space_alien: shhh

literal_demon: sup y'all i just woke up

literal_demon: oh wow

literal_demon: i rly need to check my phone more often

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:47pm

ronicaaa: guys guys guys

space_alien: ronnie ronnie ronnie

ronicaaa: what do you call an elephant without meaning???

gothy-teen: ooh ooh wait lemme guess

gothy-teen: an irrelephant!!!

ronicaaa: dammit lydia that's exactly right

gothy-teen: yayyyy i'm so good at jokes

chandelier: good at jokes? i don't think that's a thing

gothy-teen: yes it is you hoe

macaroni: lydia!!!

gothy-teen: just sayin

wannahang: wait can we go back to the actual joke for a sec?

wannaride: yeah 'elephant without meaning' tf does that mean

ronicaaa: uhh idk it's just... ya know?

wannahang: ok that is NOT a good explanation

wannaride: do all elephants have inherent meaning?

wannahang: what kind of meaning?

wannaride: and why didn't this one have any?

wannahang: couldn't one argue that nothing has meaning anyway?

ronicaaa: ok wow that got deep fast it's just a joke guys

wannahang: well clearly not a very good one

space_alien: brooke and chloe kinda terrify me ngl

wannaride: thank you

calculust: guyssss remind me whose idea it was for me to join mathletes again

space_alien: um

space_alien: yours?? literally every single one of us except kevin told you not to and then you were like fuck you i do what i want and joined it

calculust: oh yeah

calculust: why didn't you stop me??

space_alien: hey!! don't attack me!!! it's not my fault!!!

calculust: ok ok i'm sorry ily

ronicaaa: what's wrong w math team cady

calculust: we have a meet in like two days and i'm sooo stressed

space_alien: omfg 

space_alien: babe

space_alien: u literally win every single competition why are you freaking out

calculust: bc!!! the school we're competing against this time has won every competition they've ever been to

gspot: oh come on africa that's just bc the other schools are dumb

gspot: it'll be nice to finally have some real competition yo

calculust: save the trash talk for the meet, kevin

gspot: it's not trash talk it's straight FACTS

gothy-teen: *gay

gspot: right right sorry

space_alien: come on caddy you're literally taking college level math classes rn these ppl are no match for u

calculust: the only reason i'm taking college courses is bc northshore ran out of classes for me to take

space_alien: proving my point

calculust: whatever

space_alien: don't 'whatever' me!!! i'm tryna help!!!

calculust: ik ik i'm sorry

space_alien: it's ok i love u <333

calculust: i love u too

Massive_Deal: Ew, feelings, gross.

space_alien: ok just be ur a single pringle doesnt mean u gotta take it out on us

calculust: facts

Massive_Deal: I don't even know how to respond to that. 

space_alien: then don't

micheal_sMells: guys my stepsister is being soooo annoying rn pls save me

gothy-teen: you have a stepsister???

micheal_sMells: yeah her name's elle she's 21 and she won't shut up about harvard

micheal_sMells: she's home for spring break and i'm counting down the days until she goes back to school

whyamievenheere: oh don't listen to him elle is actually super sweet

micheal_sMells: you only think that bc you don't have to live with her

whyamievenheere: neither do you most of the time

whyamievenheere: plus i'm usually with you when she is home so

chandelier: do we get to meet this woman??

ronicaaa: yeah add her to the chat

micheal_sMells: well...

micheal_sMells: there's a slight problem

whyamievenheere: she's...

micheal_sMells: straight

Massive_Deal: Oh, gross

ronicaaa: yeah nvm

micheal_sMells: thought so

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Group Chat, 3:58 am

gothy-teen: y'all

gothy-teen: i'm listening to driver's license by olivio rodrigo for the first time rn

gothy-teen: why did no one tell me this song was so FUCKING good???

zoeee: this is srsly your first time listening to it?

gothy-teen: i mean besides hearing the tiktok audio yeah

zoeee: damn you were missing out huh

gothy-teen: i really was!!!


literal_demon: I'M FUCKING CRYINF

gothy-teen: hey its not like i knew that before i put it on

literal_demon: yeah but this is our fourth time hearing it

duck: i thought you said it was your first?

gothy-teen: i put it on repeat

discoball: why are you all up right now???

gothy-teen: why are you???

discoball: my notifications woke me up

gothy-teen: turn em off

discoball: my notifications are not the issue here

idiot: kinda are tho

discoball: shut up connor

idiot: :-(

discoball: sorry it's just that it's FOUR AM

mynameiskaren: it's ok babe

mynameiskaren: just turn off notifications and go back to sleep

discoball: i can't :-(

mynameiskaren: i can come cuddle with you

discoball: :-)

zoeee: you're gonna leave your house in the middle of the night to go to your gf's house? seems risky

idiot: technically it's morning

idiot: and don't act like you and alana don't do the same thing

duck: ooh zoe got exposed

zoeee: oh fuck off

gothy-teen: can we go back to talking about driver's license?? please???

idiot: what is there to say other than it's a good song

gothy-teen: no connor

gothy-teen: it's a FANTASTIC song!!!!

literal_demon: i haven't seen lydia so excited about something since we kicked her dad out of the house that one time

zoeee: you did what???

gothy-teen: not important

literal_demon: for the record she's right, it is a good song




bicon: it's a good song ok

gothy-teen: IN THE WHITE CARS

literal_demon: FRONT YARDS


literal_demon: WE USED TO GO TO


bicon: ooohohoohohoooohhhh

discoball has muted the chat

idiot: lol gretchen is so done

duck: aren't we all

gothy-teen: nope

literal_demon: we're just getting started

bicon: we should have started earlier in the song lol

gothy-teen: shhh it's fine

zoeee has muted the chat

gothy-teen: whoop we lost zoe

idiot: she went to go see alana

idiot: power of suggestion

duck: ahahah what a hypocrite

mynameiskaren has muted the chat

idiot: there goes karen

Tree_Boy: CONNOR

Tree_Boy: BABE


idiot: whoops look at that gotta go byeeee

idiot has muted the chat

Tree_Boy has muted the chat

duck: yeah im out too

duck has muted the chat

literal_demon: welp

gothy-teen: just us

bicon: what a tragedy

literal_demon: ...

gothy-teen: ...

bicon: ...




Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:56 pm

space_alien: guys... i think... pictures

gothy-teen: please elaborate

space_alien: selfies

gothy-teen: ...

space_alien: like send a selfie bc i wanna know what y'all look like

calculust: does this have anything to do with your mom's rant the other day about how teenagers these days don't even try to get to know each other???

space_alien: NO

space_alien: i just happened to realize that i've been texting a bunch of ppl who i've never even seen before

calculust: yeah right

calculust: your moms gonna be thrilled that she actually got thru to you

space_alien: no she's NOT bc you're not gonna fucking tell her

calculust: i'm texting her rn

space_alien: noooo

toogaytofunction: ... anyway

toogaytofunction: i actually like this idea

gothy-teen: me too

lesbean: yeah i'm on board

space_alien: yay ok everyone send pics but no pressure if you don't want to

gothy-teen: i can go first


guidebeetlejuice Tumblr blog with posts -

space_alien: that is not how i remember you

gothy-teen: you mean from that one drunken hookup two years ago? yeah i've changed

space_alien: hilarious

space_alien: just for reference y'all she used to have pink hair

gothy-teen: janis!!!!!

space_alien: sorry not sorry

gothy-teen: fine you go next


 barrett wilbert weed icons | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs | Tumgir

calculust: <333

calculust: this is me

I'd Rather Be Me

toogaytofunction: my turn

toogaytofunction: ok well the first selfie i found is this one so sorry y'all you gotta see caddy twice


I'd Rather Be Me

calculust: um rude

space_alien: yeah damian don't bully my gf

toogaytofunction: sorry sorry

lesbean: hiiii


The Prom Musical Cast: Caitlin Kinnunen Talks Broadway

lesbean: me and lyssa <333

toogaytofunction: awww you guys are so cute

lesbean: ikr

gspot: sup fuckers

Check Out These Fresh, Fetch Character Portraits of the New Mean Girls  Stars | The Daily Scoop

space-alien: damn kevin how'd u get that shot

gspot: it's my official mathletes promo photo

calculust: we have promo photos?

gspot: nah but if we did i'd use that one

duck: what... nevermind, doesn't matter


Members Only x 'Heathers: The Musical' – Members Only® Official

duck: that's me and the other heathers

duck: mac is on the left, chandler's in the middle, i'm on the right

chandelier: oh my GOD heather i look awful in that photo

duck: sorry! it was just the first one in my camera roll


Pin on Heathers: The Musical

ronicaaa: that's me and martha

alyssa_greeene: oh wow you really do look like janis

space_alien: some think we're secretly the same person

ronicaaa: who thinks that, janis?? who???

space_alien: people

ronicaaa: ...

space_alien: ok no one actually thinks that

discoball: this is me with regina and kare

Pin by Kenkendallm on Mean Gorls | Mean girls costume, Mean girls, Broadway  costumes

mynameiskaren: that's me on the left!!! and regina's in the middle

a-aron: here's me

Kyle Selig on myCast - Fan Casting Your Favorite Stories


Ben Platt: Tony Award Winning Star of Dear Evan Hansen | Vogue

idiot: look at that man

idiot: wow

idiot: i'm so gay

idiot: anyway here's me

Pin by sarah speiser on Pretty people | Dear evan hansen musical, Dear evan  hansen, Evan hansen

idiot: and here's my sister bc she's claiming that she doesn't have any good selfies

zoeee: what no i didn't say that

idiot: ik i just wanted an excuse to share this pic


laura dreyfuss and mike faist | Dear evan hansen musical, Dear evan hansen,  Dear evan hansen fanart

zoeee: oh my god connor NO

Alana_Beck: I think you look cute!!

zoeee: thanks babe but i'm a bit preoccupied with murdering my brother rn

Alana_Beck Okay, cool. I can go next for the photo sharing!

zoeee: wait no i wanna share this pic i took of you the other day bc it's fucking adorable


Which "Dear Evan Hansen" Character Are You? | Dear evan hansen, Evan hansen,  Evan

Alana_Beck: When did you take that?

zoeee: while we were on the bus lol

zoeee: you look so focused


Spend a Two Show Day at Dear Evan Hansen | Playbill = 0 of 33

kiNkY: hiii

Tree_Boy: good job jared

kiNkY: why thank u

theatre-nerd: wait i wanna share a photo of jeremy

whyamievenheere: CHRISTINE NO

theatre-nerd: no it's funny i'm sharing it


Sorting BMC Characters: Jeremy Heere | Harry Potter Amino

theatre-nerd: look how scared he is lol

whyamievenheere: christiiiiiiine

space_alien: this dissolved very quickly from let's-share-selfies to let's-humiliate-our-friends

space_alien: not that i'm complaining but

theatre-nerd: i have more

theatre-nerd: this is brooke n chloe

Pinkberry Introduces Be More Chill Two-Player Game Flavor | TheaterMania

wannaride: christine you're literally supposed to be the nice one wtaf

wannahang: actually i don't totally hate that photo of us

wannaride: i mean it could be worse but STILL

bicon: imma get ahead of the christine train and share mine now


Rich Goranski | Be More Chill Wiki | Fandom

bicon: it's not great but it's the best one i had


Michael Mell | Be More Chill Wiki | Fandom


Jake Dillinger | Be More Chill (Musical) Wiki | Fandom

theatre-nerd: damn guys i didn't have that many photos of you

bicon: your turn christine

theatre-nerd: ugh fine


Stephanie Hsu – Broadway Cast & Staff | IBDB

micheal_sMells: oh come ON that picture is great

theatre-nerd: why thank you

micheal_sMells: i was being mean

theatre-nerd: yikes really

macaroni: wait i don't think kurt and ram ever did theirs

tallestdwarf: did what??

linebacker3hugedick8: huh?

chandelier: oh good god

chandelier: here they are

Heathers the Musical on Twitter: "Ram and I died because we had to hide our  gay forbidden love from a misapproving world. #LondonPride2018 😈🎣… "

tallestdwarf: hey that's us!!

linebacker3hugedick8: bro

tallestdwarf: bro

space_alien: wow.

duck: did we forget anyone??

literal_demon: yes

Pin by Carmi on Beetlejuice | Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice costume, Alex  brightman

calculust: OH MY GOD


ronicaaa: ME TOO

bicon: WTF DUDE

literal_demon: hahahahahaaaa

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:04 pm

michael_sMells: guys help

kiNkY: chaotic gays at your service, how can we help you today?

micheal_sMells: i... okay moving past whatever that was, im third-wheeling my stepsister's date w her bf and it is not fun

wannaride: how on earth did you let yourself get dragged into that?

micheal_sMells: idk!!! i mean i don't think they want me here either but my mom thought we should bond or something

idiot: gross

micheal_sMells: i know!!!!

discoball: just lie and say you have homework or something

micheal_sMells: like they'd ever believe i didn't already do my homework

Jakey-D: once again micheal's studiousness is his downfall

micheal_sMells: studiousness isn't a word

micheal_sMells: but yeah

whyamievenheere: but if elle doesn't want you there can't you just leave?

micheal_sMells: did i say elle doesn't want me here? bc if so my bad, she definitely does

micheal_sMells: it's emmett that doesn't want me here

micheal_sMells: but he's too nice to say so

micheal_sMells: why are they both so GODDAMN NICE

whyamievenheere: ok. babe. try not to hate me for saying this... but you could maybe just like? make an effort with them? and you wouldn't be miserable??

micheal_sMells: sighhhhh

whyamievenheere: ...

micheal_sMells: fineeee

micheal_sMells: if you haven't heard from me by tomorrow morning, i've died of boredom

theatre-nerd: must you always be so dramatic??

micheal_sMells: says the theatre nerd

theatre-nerd: fair enough

micheal_sMells has muted the chat

ronicaaa: anyway

ronicaaa: how is everyone today

zoeee: terrible!!!!

ronicaaa: whoa okay

ronicaaa: i was joking but what's wrong zoe

zoeee: connor's a dick

kiNkY: oh. so just the usual then?

Tree_Boy: pretty much

idiot: hey!!

Tree_Boy: sorry babe

ronicaaa: what did connor do this time zoe

idiot: nothing!! everyone always blames me for everything

zoeee: he pushed me out a window!!!

gothy-teen: ahahahaha

zoeee: not funny!!!

idiot: oh shut up 

idiot: you're clearly okay enough to bitch about it so

zoeee: rude

ronicaaa: wait we need the whole story

zoeee: okay so i was just minding my own business

idiot: she was nagging me about cleaning my room

zoeee: and connor got mad at me for no reason

idiot: she tried to start cleaning it for me

zoeee: and then he punched me

idiot: lightly!!

zoeee: and so i punched him back

idiot: really hard!!!

zoeee: and then we were wrestling

idiot: she was pulling my hair

zoeee: and he pushed me!!!

idiot: i ducked out of the way when she tried to kick me 

zoeee: and i fell out the window!!!

idiot: it was four feet off the ground

zoeee: and now i'm injured

idiot: she has one small scratch on her arm

Alana_Beck: Oh no! Are you okay, babe?

zoeee: barely

theatre-nerd: and i thought michael was dramatic

zoeee: :-00000

idiot: she's got a point

ronicaaa has changed the chat name to Dramatic Gays

zoeee: um excuse

zoeee: i'm bi

ronicaaa: ugh fine

ronicaaa has changed the chat name to The Ultimate Groupchat 

idiot: much better

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:23 am

lesbean: y'all

lesbean: what is it with high school teachers and the INABILITY TO TEACH

alyssa_greeene: aw babe are you in mr federline's class again

lesbean: yesss he's going over the EXACT SAME THING we did in social studies the other day

Jakey-D: wait how is that possible

alyssa_greeene: ms carstensen teaches ap biology, mr federline teaches health, and mr healey teaches social studies

lesbean: and ALL THREE CLASSES are in their stress and trauma response unit right now

lesbean: and right now i am reading the EXACT SAME video we watched in social studies yesterday AND i have to answer questions about the article about what i learned. I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING, karl, because i DID THIS YESTERDAY

chandelier: y'all refer to your teachers by their first names??

alyssa_greeene: not to their faces

lesbean: first names are for disdain purposes only

chandelier: ah i see

space_alien: hahaaa damian and i do the same thing

toogaytofunction: "more homework, sharon? really, sharon? this is unnecessary, sharon"

calculust: hey ms norbury is actually really nice

space_alien: you just think that bc she likes you

toogaytofunction: nah ms norbury's a mood

space_alien: true

gothy-teen: open discussion: college

space-alien: bullshit

Jakey-D: necessary bullshit

toogaytofunction: but bullshit all the same

chandelier: really? i don't have a problem with it

ronicaaa: that's bc ur rich enough to not have to worry about paying for it

space_alien: exactly! it's like here's all my money and they STILL reject you

kiNkY: sounds like janis has gotten rejected from some colleges recently

space_alien: no actually i got into every one i applied to

space_alien: but that doesn't mean it's not bullshit

chandelier: then why'd you even apply?

space_alien: my mom maddddeee meee

space_alien: because she thinks college is linked to successsss

space_alien: also she wants me to have a better college experience than my high school one but that's only a very very very smol part of it

calculust: i think that college is a good path for some people but it shouldn't be the norm

ronicaaa: cady spitting facts

gothy-teen: i also don't appreciate how society puts so much pressure on grades

duck: school is basically just memorizing shit and then repeating it back to them

toogaytofunction: yes exactly

alyssa_greeene: 🎶 school is broken 🎶 

Massive_Deal: Are you guys seriously texting in class? Again?

lesbean: yes ma'am

Massive_Deal: You're going to get caught.

lesbean: i accept your challenge

Massive_Deal: It wasn't a challenge.

lesbean: if you say so

alyssa_greeene: aaand emma just got called to the principals office

duck: for texting? seems excessive

lesbean: nah it's bc i have a doctors appointment

space_alien: damn that would've been funny if u got caught texting right after regina said you would

lesbean: sorry to disappoint

gothy-teen: okay new topic

gothy-teen: spotify or apple music

duck: apple music

ronicaaa: yeah apple music

space_alien: are you dead? spotify is so much better

calculust: agreed

chandelier: actually pandora is the best

gothy-teen: oh gross heather

chandelier: what? i'm entitled to my opinion

gothy-teen: not if it's a shitty one

Jakey-D: spotify is way better, you have to buy like all the songs on apple music

duck: not true!! plus spotify costs like 20 dollars a month or some ridiculous shit like that

space_alien: um no it's like twelve and that's only if you want spotify premium

ronicaaa: which everyone does bc spotify free is trash

space_alien: y'all are forgetting that apple music also requires a monthly subscription

ronicaaa: yeah but it's way less than spotify

space_alien: not really

alyssa_greeene: um guys they're literally exactly the same

space_alien has removed alyssa_greeene from the chat

lesbean: hey now

lesbean has added alyssa_greeene to the chat

alyssa_greeene: that was rude

space_alien: sorry not sorry

gothy-teen: ok i regret bringing this up

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:57 pm

literal-demon: guys i have a fun bonding activity

chandelier: uh oh

lesbean: where's this going

literal-demon: everyone share how many places you've been kicked out of

alyssa_greeene: WHAT

alyssa_greeene: beetlejuice

alyssa_greeene: you've been kicked out of places?

gothy-teen: well technically i get kicked out of places bc of him

gothy-teen: just hit number twelve lol

alyssa_greeene: why??? how??? what???

lesbean: lydia you broke my gf

lesbean: shame

gothy-teen: would you like to hear all twelve stories?

calculust: idk do we

gothy-teen: yes you do i decided

literal-demon: they're all basically the same anyway

literal-demon: the employees yell at lydia for stupid reasons, she yells back, they pull the you're-making-people-uncomfortable card, and we leave.

space_alien: yo same!!!

toogaytofunction: janis no

toogaytofunction: i mean yes but you always get kicked out for good reasons

calculust: he's got a point

space_alien: name one

calculust: you dumped coffee on the starbucks barista yesterday bc you thought she was being sarcastic when she complimented you

space_alien: she said i had 'interesting' hair, i'm sorry if that doesn't sound like much of a compliment!!

ronicaaa: i mean to be fair that's kinda the only way you can describe your hair

toogaytofunction: you slapped the waiter at the restaurant bc he quote unquote "looked at you funny"

space_alien: he did!!

Massive_Deal: You called the cashier at the grocery store an "egotistical fuck" because they attempted to sell you a pack of gum.

space_alien: they were being annoying!!!

a-aron: you knocked over an entire bookshelf in the school library because you didn't like the ending of one of the books

space_alien: oh i'm sorry, did YOU like that augustus waters dies??? no!!! no one does!!!

duck: way to spoil it

space_alien: please, if you haven't read it by now you don't deserve to read it

discoball: you broke a chair in the movie theater by kicking it too hard

space_alien: it's not my fault my boots are so powerful!!!

mynameiskaren: you got into a fight with gym teacher bc he wouldn't give you back the flannel you left under the bleachers

space_alien: it was technnically caddy's flannel

calculust: is that where it went? i KNEW you were lying when you said you still had it

space_alien: sorryyyy

space_alien: i was trying to get it back for you

calculust: it's okay i love u

space_alien: i love you too

toogaytofunction: oh that reminds me!!! you guys ALSO got kicked out of the mall because they caught you making out behind a clothing rack

space_alien: i stand by the fact that they were being homophobic

calculust: well to be fair my shirt was most of the way off when they found us

space_alien: shhhh

ronicaaa: daaaaamnnnn

ronicaaa: i think it's time i officially pass the crown of Family Fuck-up unto you, my dear cousin

space-alien: HAHAAA

space_alien: it worked

ronicaaa: what worked???

space_alien: my plan to get you to give me the title

ronicaaa: what???

lesbean: so you didn't do all those things?

space_alien: oh no i definitely did

space_alien: i just figured if they were all told consecutively in a dramatic way ronnie would have to give in

space_alien: thanks for the help y'all

ronicaaa: wait wait wait no that's not fair

ronicaaa: i take it back

space_alien: nah doesn't work that way

ronicaaa: you tricked me!!!

space_alien: but i didn't technically lie

ronicaaa: ...fuck

toogaytofunction: ok now where's our money jan???

ronicaaa: wait you BRIBED them???

space_alien: worth every penny

ronicaaa: i hate you so much

space_alien: <333

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:07 pm

space_alien: guys

space_alien: i just found out im moving to ohio to live by veronica

ronicaaa: wait seriously??? omg!!!

discoball: wait you're leaving us???

space_alien: yeah :'(((

gothy-teen: uh oh

space_alien: i'm v sad

mynameiskaren: *crying emoji*

Massive_Deal: Guys, calm down. We can still FaceTime her and stuff. Right, Janis???

space_alien: aww do u care about me reggie?

Massive_Deal: Ha. No.

discoball: she's lying she's devastated ur leaving

Massive_Deal: Gretch!!! I am not!!!

mynameiskaren: she is

gothy-teen: what did cady and damian say???

space_alien: idk they haven't texted on here yet

theatre-nerd: you didn't tell them seperately?


toogaytofunction: ok ok everyone calm down we're here

calculust: what's going on?

lesbean: scroll up

toogaytofunction: ...

calculust: ...

discoball: are you guys ok?

toogaytofunction: janis...

calculust: ...babe

toogaytofunction: what day do you think it is?

space_alien: april fools!!!

calculust: janis no

calculust: it's april second

space_alien: what??? no it's april first!!!

toogaytofunction: no.

space_alien: FUCK

lesbean: wait a minute

alyssa_greeene: wait a damn minute

theatre-nerd: so you're not leaving???

space_alien: no it was a prank!!! i thought it was april fool's day!!!

gothy-teen: bahahahahah

space_alien: shut up lydia

gothy-teen: nope

ronicaaa: janis ur a day early lol

calculust: ... what??? no.

macaroni: it's a day late babe

ronicaaa: no??? it's march 31st???

toogaytofunction: good GOD

calculust: screenshot.jpg

toogaytofunction: phone calendars don't lie y'all

ronicaaa: no!!! i missed my window for all my pranks

Massive_Deal: How do you guys function when you don't even know what day it is???

space_alien: jokes on you!! we DON'T function!!!

gothy-teen: ooh, self burn, those are rare

space_alien: nice b99 reference but How Dare You

gothy-teen: lol

chandelier: ok i've been following this conversation but

chandelier: this makes no sense and idk what's going on

gothy-teen: title of ur sex tape

chandelier: i... wow

space_alien: tag urself as a brooklyn 99 character, go:

calculust: amy

toogaytofunction: uhh idk charles maybe?

gothy-teen: rosa

Massive_Deal: holt

discoball: also charles

mynameiskaren: uhh scully lol

discoball: babe no

discoball: the only hitchcock and scully's in this chat are kurt and ram

linebacker8hugedick4: i mean

tallestdwarf: valid

mynameiskaren: idk then

a-aron: idk either

gspot: gina

lesbean: amy?? i think?

alyssa_greeene: also amy

Tree_Boy: also amy

idiot: rosa

kiNkY: jake

zoeee: uhhh also amy???

space_alien: why so many amy's guys

space_alien: i'm rosa

calculust: no babe

calculust: you wanna be rosa

calculust: but you're secretly jake

space_alien: nooo if i can't be rosa i wanna be the pontiac bandit

calculust: isn't that basically jake tho?

space_alien: caddy just let me have this

calculust: alls im sayin is that im an amy so if ur jake...

space_alien: ok ok i'm jake

space_alien: but for the record rosa and amy are a much better ship than jake and amy

Alana_Beck: I'm an Amy too!

space_alien: how did i get stuck in a chat w so many amys???

ronicaaa: if it makes u feel better i'm a jake

space_alien: that does not help

macaroni: im a charles

gothy-teen: ok but WHERE are all the FUCKING terrys???

rainbow123: im a terry

rainbow123: i mean im nowhere near as strong but

chandelier: i'm... kevin maybe?

duck: i'm kind of a terry ig

whyamievenheere: charles

micheal_sMells: idk maybe charles too

bicon: rosa

theatre-nerd: charles

wannaride: gina

wannahang: also gina

Jakey-D: jake lol

space_alien: is that everyone?

literal_demon: no

literal_demon: i haven't watched b99

space_alien has removed literal_demon from the chat

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:48 am

zoeee: guys guys guys

idiot: wot

zoeee: every single odd number has an e in it

space_alien: whoa

literal_demon: wait not all of them

literal_demon: thirty and fifty don't have e's

calculust: uh

calculust: beetlejuice

calculust: 30 and 50 are even

lesbean: yeh if u can split it in half it's even

alyssa_greeene: 15+15=30, 25+25=30

duck: uhhh lyssa

theatre-nerd: 25+25 is not thirty

alyssa_greeene: it was a fcking typo calm down

toogaytofunction: lord have mercy

zoeee: guys guys guys relax

zoeee: one

zoeee: three

zoeee: five

zoeee: nine

zoeee: and since all the odd numbers after that are variants of those numbers, all odds have the number e

gothy-teen: do we wanna know how zoe figured this out?

zoeee: i mean... it wasn't that hard

calculust: it's basic math

gothy-teen: technically it's not math at all

idiot: zoeee u forgot seven

zoeee: whoopsss

Massive_Deal: Who failed you guys?

gothy-teen: public school

idiot: we're also gay and dumb and can't do math

micheal_sMells: you guys forgot about eight!!! it has an e and it's an even number

whyamievenheere: babe

kiNkY: we're talking about odd numbers mikey

micheal_sMells: oh.

literal_demon: how are we still talking about this???

wannaride: guys... two is odd and doesn't have an e

wannahang: brooke honey

wannahang: are you really tryna tell us two is odd?

wannaride: uh...


discoball: what about zero tho? it's an odd number right?

a-aron: ok wait thirty and fifty make an e sound at the end so it still counts


a-aron: oh yeah

Massive_Deal: What the actual fuck is going on here??

mynameiskaren: wait 1 is an even number

chandelier: i'm going to smack you

alyssa_greeene: negative thirty and fifty have e's

alyssa_greeene: oh wait they're even nvm

gothy-teen: wait can we go back to the zero idea

Tree_Boy: zero isn't a number

a-aron: it also can't be divided by two

lesbean: it can?? 0/2=0

zoeee: OD NUMBERS: onE!!! thrEE!!! fivE!!! sEvEn!!! ninE!!!

toogaytofunction: OD numbers huh

alyssa_greeene: stfu

calculust: guys. anything that ends with a 0,2,4,6,8 is even and anything that ends with 1,3,7,9 is odd calm down

gspot: you forgot 5


space_alien: what about it

kiNkY: that doesn't have an e


gothy-teen: a r e y o u g u y s o k a y

space_alien: this is art at it's finest

lesbean: wait wait wait back to the zero thing

lesbean: why did no one point out that it doesn't matter??? either way it has an e

gspot: zero's not odd. it's the lack of a number. it's neutral. it's empty. there's nothing there

space_alien: oh oh! like my brain

calculust: kevin zero is a number and it is odd

idiot: it's even

idiot: my username is literally idiot and i know that

idiot: literally google it

zoeee: this convo is a fucking train wreck

space_alien: anyone who thinks gays can do math is dumber than we are

Alana_Beck: Why did you have to do this to me??? I have a test in the morning!!!

toogaytofunction: wait alana ur smart

Alana_Beck: Yes I am, what's the question?

toogaytofunction: is zero a number?? and is it even or odd?

Alana_Beck: I don't fucking know and I don't care, none of you need to know that because it has an E!!! And it's not relevant to ANY math equation!!!

zoeee: damn y'all broke my gf

tallestdwarf: wait what about six

linebacker4hugedick8: huh?

calculust has muted the chat

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 7:08 pm

discoball: guys i think i have an online shopping problem

discoball: a package just showed up at my door that's addressed to me but i do not remember ordering it at all

ronicaaa: well what's in it

discoball: a lawn chair!!!

lesbean: are you sure it's addressed to you??

discoball: itreallyis.jpg

discoball: did i order it in my sleep? did i order it by accident? did i order it on purpose and forget? why would i order it?

discoball: i think i'm losing my mind

space_alien: mood

discoball: no no janis it's a bad thing

space_alien: i didn't say it wasn't

bicon: i bought a piano from costco one time

bicon: i don't even play piano

bicon: it was just such a good deal

wannaride: i spent a thousand dollars at costco one time

wannahang: on what?!?

wannaride: idk

wannaride: i think there was a microwave involved

theatre-nerd: why would a seventeen year old that lives with her parents need a microwave?

wannaride: idk but now i can make food in my room

chandelier: good god

Tree_Boy: my mom banned me from online shopping bc the account was linked to her credit card and i kept spending wayyy too much

theatre-nerd: lmao same

gothy-teen: i purposely put my stepmom's credit card on my account so that it always charges to her lol

discoball: guys you aren't helping me!!! what should i do about the lawn chair???

bicon: put it on your lawn???

bicon: seems kinda obvious to me

ronicaaa: or send it back

discoball: i can't send it back i ripped the packaging

Massive_Deal: Gretch! The number one rule of online shopping is that you never rip the packaging!

discoball: i didn't do it on purpose!

Alana_Beck: Am I the only one who is responsible with their money?

discoball: yep

ronicaaa: yep

theatre-nerd: yep

Massive_Deal: Yes.

space_alien: yep

bicon: yep

wannaride: yep

wannahang: yep

Alana_Beck: Okay then.

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:57 am

ronicaaa: guys i met some random ppl on snapchat can i add them

space_alien: are they gay?

ronicaaa: yep every last one of them

space_alien: then yes approved

kiNkY: lmao i love how being gay is literally the only criteria for being on this chat

ronicaaa: i mean yeah

space_alien: never met a gay i didn't like

space_alien: cept gina

Massive_Deal: Oh wowww very mature, Janis.

space_alien: 👍 

ronicaaa has added anythingbutwallflower to the chat

ronicaaa has added captainoftheteam to the chat

ronicaaa has added it'stheLittleThings to the chat

ronicaaa has added shut_up_and_queer to the chat

ronicaaa has added katty to the chat

ronicaaa has added happier to the chat

anythingbutwallflower: what dis

it'stheLittleThings: hi!!!

katty: what's going on

ronicaaa: hi welcome to chili's

space_alien: ronnie no

gothy-teen: welcome to gay hell

happier: sounds festive

ronicaaa: everyone pls state your name, pronouns, and sexuality. lydia will then proceed to send you the doc with all of our pronouns and shit and you will be initiated

it'stheLittleThings: wait this isn't like a cult or a gang or anything right

it'stheLittleThings: cos there were some of those in prison and they were scaryyy

macaroni: prison??? ronnie what have you done

it'stheLittleThings: i was falsely accused calm down

ronicaaa: yeah she was falsely accused mac geez

macaroni: but did you know she was falsely accused when you added her to this chat is the question

ronicaaa: moving on! no this is not a cult per se, it's just... it's not a cult ok

katty: sounds sus but ok

katty: hey i'm kate, she/her lesbian

calculust: and you go by katty?

katty: sometimes

space_alien: well that's not gonna be confusing

katty: uhh why?

calculust: i'm cady, i go by caddy

katty: oh i see

katty: well it's probably fine

anythingbutwallflower: ok well hi i'm cairo she/her (trans) bisexual

captainoftheteam: reese she/they queer

it'stheLittleThings: mattie she/her questioning

shut_up_and_queer: eva she/her demi lesbian

happier: annleigh she/her pan

gothy-teen: cool beans

gothy-teen: here's the word doc, you can update it with your stuff: ultimategc.doc and yes there are three heathers get over it

calculust: wait i thought it was a notes list?

gothy-teen: yeahhhh notes crashed, it couldn't handle all the gay so i made a new one in a word doc instead

space_alien: ahahah

kiNkY: so where y'all from

anythingbutwallflower: salem oregon

space_alien: noice

lesbean: i hear they like the gays there is that nice?

anythingbutwallflower: i mean they mostlyyy like gays especially near san francisco where we live but yeahh it's pretty chill

alyssa_greeene: imagine having rights woah

lesbean: mood

duck: so mattie why'd you go to prison

macaroni: heather!!

duck: what? 

it'stheLittleThings: oh it was a murder charge

anythingbutwallflower: again mattie i'm sorry for throwing you under the bus

it'stheLittleThings: cairo i stg if you apologize again i'm going to die

anythingbutwallflower: but i'm sorry!!!

it'stheLittleThings: ik and i forgive you so shut up

duck: oh now i'm reeeally intrigued

captainoftheteam: ok so we're all on the cheer team right? and every year we have a cheer sleepover, and last year at the sleepover annleigh's stepsister farrah was murdered at the sleepover

anythingbutwallflower: and our friend chess

shut_up_and_queer: and annleigh's bf clark

captainoftheteam: ok clark was not murdered i didn't know it was him and it was basically self-defense

space_alien: oh shit

anythingbutwallflower: yeah. anyway we thought we'd all be safer if we threw mattie under the bus, since she was super drunk and already had blood on her from hitting her head

it'stheLittleThings: yeah so i went to juvie for a while

shut_up_and_queer: anyway it turned out that our old captain riley killed farrah and chess bc she didn't think they were good for the team so she's in jail now and we're only a lil bit traumatized

anythingbutwallflower: we're all in therapy now

ronicaaa: omg annleigh dead bf's club!

happier: lmao yay

gothy-teen: oh and dead relatives club

happier: omg!!

happier: i feel validated

literal_demon: lyds

literal_demon: lyds

literal_demon: lyds

gothy-teen: wot

literal_demon: can i tell them about the thing 

gothy-teen: ugh do you have to 

space_alien: yes he has to beetlejuice speak

literal_demon: so basically i'm a demon from the netherworld, right?

duck: i... okay

ronicaaa: sure

literal_demon: no but actually

space_alien: no we believe you it's just we're too dead inside to be shocked

literal_demon: hm. disappointing. but basically i'm only visible to the strange and unusual

calculust: sounds about right

literal_demon: this reaction is v disappointing

ronicaaa: finish the story dude

literal_demon: right so i wanted to scare people and to do that i had to be visible, right? so i found some humans that were about to die, their names were adam and barbara, since the recently deceased can make me visible by getting a human to say my name three times

gothy-teen: right. but adam and barbara are the least scary people ever, so it didn't work. fortunately for beetlejuice i had just moved into their old house after my mom died, and i could see him even though i wasn't recently deceased. so he talked me down from killing myself and tried to convince me to say his name three times, but i was like nah bitch adam and barbara are gonna help me scare my family back to my old house

literal_demon: but it didn't work bc as lydia said adam and barbara are the least scary people ever. so she got real mad and said my name three times, and i then proceeded to run her dad and life coach off the premises, and then we had some fun scaring the shit out of random people

gothy-teen: and then bj fucking TRICKED me into doing an exorcism on barbara by telling me it would bring my mom back, and then to stop it he forced me to marry him, which would make him alive again, but before i did he opened the door to the netherworld, which i went into with my dad and we had a lil "oh dip we can't bring mom back" moment and then came back to stop bj from killing everyone

literal_demon: yep, so she married me and made me alive, then stabbed me again so i was recently deceased and tried to send me to the netherworld, but then my mom came and tried to take lydia instead but i was like nah lydia's cool so i made a sandworm eat my mom, and then i decided that killing was bad so now i don't-live with lydia and adam and barbara and lydia's parents

gothy-teen: yep

space_alien: huh

ronicaaa: cool

literal_demon: why are none of you freaked out?

ronicaaa: i mean my dead boyfriend's ghost used to haunt me before he went into the netherworld so

annleigh: yeah same with my stepsister and ex-bf

katty: and my dead friend chess

gothy-teen: see bj i told you they'd get it

literal_demon: but i didn't want them to get it!!

gothy-teen: bj, what's our mantra?

literal_demon: sigh

literal_demon: we don't traumatize humans. we don't kill humans. humans = good

space_alien: omg it's michael from the good place

whyamievenheere: omg yesss

literal_demon: no!!! micheal is not scary! i am scary!!

gothy-teen: bj what did we JUST SAY

literal_demon: we don't traumatize humans?

gothy-teen: good job. now go make out with adam or something

literal_demon: ok

anythingbutwallflower: this is chat is never going to let me sleep, is it?

Massive_Deal: Like we said, welcome to gay hell.

Chapter Text

Ultimate Groupchat, 1:09 pm

anythingbutwallflower has renamed katty to themeanone

anythingbutwallflower has renamed happier to Horse_Girl

themeanone: umm that was homophobic

themeanone: i am NOT the mean one

Horse_Girl: yeah and i'm not a horse girl

anythingbutwallflower: babe ily but you 100% are

themeanone: eva?

shut_up_and_queer: uhhh

themeanone: i'm not that mean right???

shut_up_and_queer: not to me

themeanone: that's not an anser!!!

space_alien: lol anser

themeanone: shut up or i will rip your throat out with my bare hands

themeanone: oh yeah now i see it

macaroni: nooo kate just be nice!!!

anythingbutwallflower: i don't think she's capable of nice

shut_up_and_queer: again, she is to me

anythingbutwallflower: stop flexing eva

ronicaaa: just warning y'all mac reeeally doesn't like it when people are mean to each other so prepare to get yelled at about it on a daily basis

duck: wait wait guys

captainoftheteam: what??

duck: so i know i'm not supposed to ask about your trauma or whatever

duck: but i reeally wanna hear about this riley lady

it'stheLittlethings: well what do you wanna know

duck: what was she like and why did she think murder was the answer to her problems

anythingbutwallflower: a., she was very controlling but very very sexy and b., no one knows

Horse_Girl: babe!!!

anythingbutwallflower: what?? she was hot guys

themeanone: and you used to accuse ME of being in love with MY best friend

space_alien: hmm where have i heard that story before


space_alien: ^^

toogaytofunction: uhh jan you've been in love with every single girl you've ever been best friends with

space_alien: ok that's because i've only ever had two female best friends and it's not my fault they're both so fucking hot

calculust: she's got a point

space_alien: of course i do

discoball: wait isn't it lesbian visibility day?

shut_up_and_queer: no it was yesterday i thought

chandelier: wasn't it two days ago?

calculust: google says it was april 26th

wannaride: yeah so it was yesterday

rainbow123: wait no isn't today the 28th?

zoeee: i thought it was the 25th what

idiot: wait the 25th of which month

gothy-teen: it's may connor


gothy-teen: it is???

Alana_Beck: Guys, calm down, it's the 28th of April today.

captainoftheteam: WAIT i just realized that we're all in different time zones

bicon: ok??

lesbean: what does that have to do with anything

captainoftheteam: well that's why we were so confused

ronicaaa: i'm fucking crying reese that's not how time zones work

Massive_Deal: How are you people still alive?

space_alien: sheer willpower, gina, that's how


literal_demon: i'm not alive anyway soooo

gspot: we're all gonna be on our deathbeds and then just be like "nah not today satan" and just fucking get up and walk out of the damned hospital

toogaytofunction: ^^

anythingbutwallflower: i mean i was locked up with a murderer for multiple nights and i'm still here


anythingbutwallflower: ok girlfriend is putting it generously, it's more like we kissed one time

themeanone: at least she didn't STAB YOU IN THE FUCKING LEG

literal_demon: ok i think kate wins most near-death experience

it'stheLittlethings: i joined a prison gang and didn't end up shivved

gothy-teen: that's great mattie but I WENT INTO THE LITERAL NETHERWORLD???

literal_demon: FINE, you almost died, YOU WIN

gothy-teen: thank you

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:23 pm

captainoftheteam: guys.

whyamievenheere: reese.

captainoftheteam: camping. thoughts?

idiot: random but uhhh sure camping's cool

Massive_Deal: Gross, no.

chandelier: ^^

Tree_Boy: what do you mean??? i love camping!!!

zoeee: hence his username

Tree_Boy: trees are like the most reliable organism on the planet zoe how can you hate them

zoeee: i didn't say i hated them! and they're not that reliable

Tree_Boy: name one instance where a tree wasn't completely sturdy and calm!!!

zoeee: well off the top of my head, the time when that branch gave out and sent you plummeting to the ground!!!


captainoftheteam: ooookayyy i feel like we're getting a liiittle off track

Jakey-D: why do you need to know our thoughts on camping??

captainoftheteam: bc annleigh wants me to go camping with her and cairo and everyone this weekend and idk if i should

alyssa_greeene: uhh didn't three people die the last time you all spent a night together?

shut_up_and_queer: that's what i said!!!

Horse_Girl: guysss cmon riley's in jail now we're fine

anythingbutwallflower: yeah plus it's not a cheer thing it's just a friendly excursion

duck: wow i wasn't rly expecting cairo to be on board with this

anythingbutwallflower: i get to share a tent with annleigh if we go <3

discoball: so it's entirely selfish then?

anythingbutwallflower: yeah pretty much

themeanone: i'd go if we were gonna stay in a hotel room but six teenage girls alone in the woods seems like a recipe for disaster

zoeee: and six teenage girls in a hotel room doesn't?

themeanone: at least there's no mosquitoes in a hotel room

idiot: she's got a point

captainoftheteam: well yeah if we were going to a hotel room i'd definitely go

it'stheLittlethings: me too! as long as you guys don't make me get drunk again

shut_up_and_queer: well i follow kate everywhere so if she's going i'm going

anythingbutwallflower: but the shared tent!!!

Horse_Girl: we can share a bed babe

anythingbutwallflower: ...

anythingbutwallflower: okey

Horse_Girl: yay!!

space_alien: guys!!!!

calculust: babe!!!!

space_alien: i've had an amazing idea

idiot: ???

space_alien: so ya know how there are all those aesthetics for how people dress like egirl soft girl and those people that wear sweatpants and tank tops and somehow always look hot and then there are all those weird ones but anyway is there just a plain old slut aesthetic??? bc i've never seen that but i think it should be a thing

alyssa_greeene: i- what

calculust: jan... what do you think a slut aesthetic would be

space_alien: wdym?? it's slutty clothes!!!

wannaride: yeahhh people will deeefinitely be down to say they have a *slut aesthetic*

wannahang: but you can still try

ronicaaa: don't a lot of other aesthetics include slutty clothes

space_alien: ronnie ronnie ronnie

space_alien: how are we related???

ronicaaa: what?

space_alien: other aesthetics have short clothes

space_alien: this aesthetic would be way more intense

space_alien: picture modest stripper clothes

Massive_Deal: Janis, you CANNOT make an aesthetic and call it 'slut aesthetic'.

space_alien: yes i can!!

calculust: might wanna come up with a better name babe

space_alien: fine

space_alien: stripper aesthetic!!! or modest stripper aesthetic!!!

Massive_Deal: That's... not any better.

gothy-teen: ahahahha 

gothy-teen: "i love your clothes! what do you call your style?" "oh ya know, i'm just kinda aiming for the modest stripper vibe"

space_alien: yes perfect!!!

gothy-teen: no i was being sarcastic

space_alien: no no it's perfect

anythingbutwallflower: what the fuck is going on

mynameiskaren: there's no way of knowing


i copied the stripper aesthetic part from my groupchat word-for-word i'm not even joking

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:56 am

hopelesslosergorl has joined the chat

checkers has joined the chat

clarky-boy has joined the chat

alyssa_greeene: um

ronicaaa: who dis

space_alien: lydia i thought this was a private server

gothy-teen: weeeeelllll beetlejuice may have gotten ahold of my phone and changed it

literal_demon: nuh uh!!! i didn't do it!!!

hopelesslosergorl: ya i hacked annleighs fone an got the link lol

Horse_Girl: farrah????

duck: wait i thought farrah was the dead one

checkers: excuse you there are three dead ones

clarky-boy: yeah we matter too geez

themeanone: chess??? clark???

checkers: sup

literal_demon: aren't you all supposed to be in the netherworld?

hopelesslosergorl: lol probably

hopelesslosergorl: but it was boring so we left

checkers: it was pretty easy actually

clarky-boy: yeah its way less complicated than everyone makes it sound

checkers: yeah now we ghosts

tallestdwarf: noice

gothy-teen: ok i'll send you all the google doc in a separate chat

gothy-teen: please state your name pronouns and sexuality for the record

hopelesslosergorl: am farrah

hopelesslosergorl: she/they

hopelesslosergorl: ace

clarky-boy: i'm clark, he/him bi

checkers: i'm chess, she/they lesbian

checkers: there's three heathers???

Massive_Deal: Oh good Lord.

hopelesslosergorl: wiat i have question

discoball: ???

hopelesslosergorl: is v important

literal_demon: ???

hopelesslosergorl: ok ok so

hopelesslosergorl: if siri were a person

hopelesslosergorl: would you be friends with them

space_alien: um yes obviously

Massive_Deal: What??? Janis, no.

space_alien: why not??? you'd just have a dictionary all the time

duck: don't you already have that when they're in your phone?

space_alien: ohhh yeah

gothy-teen: i feel like siri would make a very creepy friend

idiot: yeah youd just be chillin and then she'd pop up and be like "ask me what i can do!"

zoeee: connor...

ronicaaa: lmao i like how connor and zoe showed up specifically to debate this particular subject

idiot: it's very important ok

hopelesslosergorl: ew zoe has a boring name

zoeee: hey!!!

idiot has changed zoeee's name to yalikejazz?

yalikejazz?: i hate you

mynameiskaren: laughing emoji!!!

hopelesslosergorl: you also have a boring name

discoball has changed mynameiskaren's name to SexyMouse

SexyMouse: ;-)

clarky-boy: so what do y'all talk about on this chat??

checkers: they probably sit around and share their feelings lol

gothy-teen: ew, no

space_alien: the topics are far weirder than that

space_alien: but i think farrah at least is gonna fit right in

hopelesslosergorl: siri would make a great friend guys

checkers: that is not a ringing endorsement, janis.

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:47 pm

Horse_Girl: guyssss

Horse_Girl: farrah's hauntinggggg meeeee

hopelesslosergorl: heeheee

Horse_Girl: not funny!!!

space_alien: lol

Horse_Girl: she turned invisible and then dumped flour in my hair!!!

hopelesslosergorl: i love being ghost

Horse_Girl: >:-(

themeanone: at least you don't have to deal with chess popping up out of nowhere every two seconds and scaring the shit out of you!!!

Horse_Girl: no farrah does that too

themeanone: oh.

Alana_Beck: Shouldn't you guys just be glad you have your friends back?

clarky-boy: yeah you guys should appreciate us more

anythingbutwallflower: i mean y'all haunted us before you went to the netherworld too sooo

clarky-boy: i haunted YOU cairo, no one else

anythingbutwallflower: but whyyy?

clarky-boy: bc i thought you killed farrah and chess

hopelesslosergorl: yeah i thought you killed me too

checkers: me too

clarky-boy: you also stole my gf

Horse_Girl: no she didn't!!! you'd been dead like six months when we got together

clarky-boy: ik ik i was kidding

clarky-boy: sorry i accused you of murder, cairo

anythingbutwallflower: eh it's fine i was the obvious suspect

whyamievenheere: y'alls conversations are literally so fun to watch

micheal_sMells: yeh i got my popcorn

hopelesslosergorl: :-0 are we nothing but entertainment to you micheal

micheal_sMells: ... yes?

hopelesslosergorl: okey

space_alien: lmao farrah has such crackhead energy

ronicaaa: so does literally everyone in this chat tho

space_alien: fair enough

hopelesslosergorl: wait no go back to calling me special

Horse_Girl: no don't it'll only encourage her

hopelessgorl: i'm not a five-year-old!!!!

Horse_Girl: you take afternoon naps

hopelesslosergorl: being dead is tiring!!!


hopelesslosergorl: stop yelling at meeee

hopelesslosergorl: guysss annleigh's bullying me

macaroni: hello yes i am here what's going on

ronicaaa: oh now you've done it farrah

space_alien: you've awakened the bully police

hopelesslosergorl: oh wait no i don't want that to be a thing

hopelesslosergorl: i bully too many people for that


hopelesslosergorl: oh calm down annleigh it wasn't that bad

Horse_Girl: tell that to my shampoo bottle

hopelesslosergorl: shampoo bottle, it wasn't that bad

micheal_sMells: *munches popcorn happily*

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:06 pm

space_alien: happy first day of pride month bitches

lesbean: it's the second day of pride month but thanks

space_alien: is it??

gothy-teen: dear god this needs to stop happening

calculust: babe are you ok

space_alien: nope!

alyssa_greeene: GUYS i was just walking downtown and i overheard this poor woman talking to her friend and she was like "i grew up in this town, and i hated it, so i moved away after high school and didn't come back for like thirty years, and then for some IDIOTIC REASON i moved back last year and guess what? i STILL HATE IT"

space_alien: HAHAHA

gothy-teen: mood

yalikejazz: god i hope that's not me in thirty years

idiot: same

a-aron: y'all this is totally unrelated but i fucking DESPISE it when my math book asks me what i think about the math

toogaytofunction: omg yes!! like you think i have any clue???

wannaride: i'm just punching out numbers man idk

wannahang: yeah and even then i still get stuff wrong

themeanone: omg ikkkk they're like "what can you observe about your answer?" and i'm like,,, it's wrong?

theatre-nerd: ahahah exactly

checkers: lmao i do not miss school

hopelesslosergorl: me niether

clarky-boy: same

themeanone: oh shut up

Horse_Girl: guys cairo texted me at like one am last night and was like "i have three points i want to make" and then didn't make the three points

anythingbutwallflower: i did?

Horse_Girl: screenshot.jpg

anythingbutwallflower: huh

anythingbutwallflower: i have no recollection of sending that so i don't have any explanation for you

gothy-teen: omg so mysterious

theatre-nerd: maybe someone stole her phone and sent it!!

wannahang: christine...

theatre-nerd: it's possible!!

Alana_Beck: She probably was just overtired and confused.

lesbean: maybe she sent it in her sleep

alyssa_greeene: omg like sleeptalking but texting

gothy-teen: sleeptexting

space_alien: oh i'm pretty sure i've done that before

space_alien: caddy don't you have a list of random things i've texted you?

calculust: everything you text me is random

toogaytofunction: yeah you just act like you're sleep deprived all the time so we don't have a way to tell the difference

space_alien: well that's bc i AM sleep deprived all the time

calculust: you should really sleep sometimes babe

space_alien: nah

Tree_Boy: guys i have a major problem

idiot: ???

Tree_Boy: well see

Tree_Boy: i haven't done my math homework

Tree_Boy: and i need to

Tree_Boy: but the thing is

Tree_Boy: i reeeeeally don't wanna

Tree_Boy: im sitting here watching tiktok and my mind is going "ok, we're getting up now. we're walking into the bedroom and digging the assignent out from the depths of the void we call a backpack, and we are sitting down to complete it" but in reality we are not doing any of those things bc my body is not getting the memo

kiNkY: lmao i haven't done math hw in years

idiot: yeah i think you're fine

Tree_Boy: i think i'm a student who is going to pass his classes if he can just bring himself to do the fucking math

space_alien: you can do it tomorrow

Tree_Boy: no the test is tmrw

gothy-teen: you can do it tonight

Tree_Boy: it is tonight already

Tree_Boy: plus the nighttime is for watching tv

space_alien: nononono let me give you a lesson in procrastination

Tree_Boy: i don't think i need a lesson since that's what got me here in the first place

space_alien: shut up this isn't about you

macaroni: janis!!! kind words!!

space_alien: shhh

space_alien: see evan the thing is

space_alien: tonight=never

space_alien: later=never

space_alien: tomorrow=never

macaroni: don't listen to her evan go do your math

idiot: oh and that french thing for tmrw

space_alien: what french thing??? i didn't do it

calculust: jan. babe. love of my life. they don't go to our school.

space_alien: oh yeah

Tree_Boy: what french thing connor

idiot: the book thingy

Tree_Boy: oh i already did that

Tree_Boy: plus i'm not coming to french class tmrw

yalikejazz?: wait why

Tree_Boy: i have a drama club thing

Tree_Boy: this is why y'all should join theatre

Tree_Boy: it gets you out of class

idiot: can we join it later

yalikejazz: are you procrastinating on joining drama club?

idiot: yep

space_alien: and that's why you shouldn't procrastinate kids

calculust: ??? weren't you just saying that procrastination is good?

space_alien: that's in the past caddy

space_alien: the fourth rule of procrastination

space_alien: the past=never

macaroni: what-

calculust: oh good lord

space_alien: goodnight

anythingbutwallflower: it's 5 pm

space_alien: i didn't say i was going to sleep

space_alien: i said goodnight

space_alien: bc i don't wanna be cybrbullied

space_alien: and y'all are rude

space_alien: lol i forgot how to spell rude and had to use the voice thingy

calculust: on second thought maybe you should go to sleep

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:07 pm

yalikejazz changed their name to thebettermurphy

idiot: um rude

thebettermurphy: but not technically incorrect

idiot: i disagree

thebettermurphy: your username is literally idiot and you haven't bothered to change it

idiot: where is mac when you need her??? this is bullying!!!

macaroni: eh

macaroni: sibling rivalry doesn't really count

idiot: oh how convenient

theatre-nerd: GUYS important question

macaroni: what

theatre-nerd: what color shoes should i get??

themeanone: wow thought that was gonna be way more interesting

thebettermurphy: seems i'm not the only one who lives up to my username

themeanone: shut up

lesbean: what are the options christine

theatre-nerd: red, white, yellow, black, blue

hopelesslosergorl: ooh red

checkers: no yellow

hopelesslosergorl: RED

checkers: YELLOW

hopelesslosergorl: RED!!

checkers: YELLOW!!!

hopelesslosergorl: grrrr

gothy-teen: chess and farrah have reached peak sexual tension

hopelesslosergorl: wot no

checkers: we're already dating

themeanone: WHAT

Horse_Girl: how was this not the first thing you told us when you came back from the netherworld???

hopelesslosegorl: i dunno

Horse_Girl: good lord

checkers: anyway yellow is obviously the right choice christine

hopelesslosergorl: BABE NO

theatre-nerd: ...i'll get blue

thebettermurphy: ew no

thebettermurphy: get white

idiot: ZOE you idiot white shoes are the worst color of shoes

idiot: they just get dirty!!!

thebettermurphy: yeah but they're pretty for the first few days

theatre-nerd: yeahhh i'm removing white from the list

gothy-teen: you should get black

macaroni: no that's boring get yellow


theatre-nerd: ok im flipping a coin

theatre-nerd: heads=red tails=yellow

checkers: what no red should be heads

theatre-nerd: i literally already flipped the coin but ok

theatre-nerd: heads=yellow tails=red

hopelesslosergorl: noooo


theatre-nerd: either way it's yellow

gothy-teen: that makes no sense

theatre-nerd: i'm placing the order

checkers: YESSSS

checkers: yellow for the winnnn

hopelesslosergorl: :-(

checkers: nooo baby i'm sorryy

checkers: but not sorry enough to root for yellow

hopelesslosergorl: oh whatever

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:46 pm


thebettermurphy: sky

calculust: sky

duck: sky

lesbean: sky

a-aron: sky

gothy-teen: sky

gothy-teen: thank goodness i watched that one

space_alien: what the fuck is going on

ronicaaa: watch the video janis

space_alien: i did!!!

ronicaaa: what did it say

space_alien: nothing!!! it was just a video of clay!!!

gothy-teen: yeah but what was the guy talking about

space_alien: what guy???

space_alien: oh wait

space_alien: you have to turn the VOLUME on

space_alien: why didn't anyone tell me that?

calculust: babe i think that should sort of be implied

space_alien: >:-(

duck: also it wasn't clay

duck: it was slime and paintballs

space_alien: you know what heather

duck: what

space_alien: uhh idk

macaroni: wait my phone isn't loading the video what did it say

ronicaaa: oh it was this guy saying  "send this video to your friend and if they don't text back the word 'sky' it means they didn't watch the video and they're a fake friend"

macaroni: oh i see

macaroni: sky

ronicaaa: :-)

space_alien: i'm not a fake friend!!!!

ronicaaa: yeah you're just dumb

space_alien: hey!!!

ronicaaa: sorry not sorry

space_alien: you're just as dumb as me

macaroni: janis be nice

space_alien: you didn't defend me when veronica was bullying me!!!

macaroni: yeah well i like ronnie better

space_alien: I Am Hurt

calculust: why do i feel like we've had this exact conversation before

ronicaaa: probably because we have

space_alien: we're very repetitive

macaroni: it's sort of a problem

space_alien: well it's not our fault nothing new ever happens

kiNkY: mood

hopelesslosergorl: is people returning formt the dead not intresting enouhg for u???

Alana_Beck: The spelling... I can't.

hopelesslosergorl: shtu up

space_alien: i mean we had beetlejuice long before y'all showed up sooo

hopelesslosergorl: but does beeteljuice realy count?

literal_demon: hey!!!

macaroni: farrah be nice pls

hopelesslosergorl: sorry not sorry

calculust: omg guys i was gonna tell you

space_alien: what what

calculust: i already told you about this jan

space_alien: :-(

calculust: anyway i was babysitting this kid the other night and he was like "do you get to use calculators in high school math?" and i was like "uhhh yeah" and he was like "what!!! but then you're not doing any work!!!" and i was like "listen brandon do you know what a cosine ratio is" and he was like "ew, no!! is that your math?? that sounds hard!! i don't want to do high school math!!"

space_alien: me neither brandon

gothy-teen: lmao how old is he

calculust: he's in fifth grade

ronicaaa: fifth graders are terrible

calculust: ik

calculust: he kept asking me if i had a boyfriend

space_alien: and what did you say

calculust: here i shall reenact the conversation:

calculust: brandon: do you have a boyyyfriend???

calculust: me: nope

calculust: brandon: do you want a boyyyfriend?

calculust: me: not particularly

calculust: brandon: why not??

calculust: me: because i have a girlfriend

calculust: brandon: no i mean like someone you date

calculust: me: yeah i know that's what you mean

calculust: brandon: *stares in confused hetero*

space_alien: that is the funniest shit ever

gothy-teen: cady bestie i think brandon might have been hitting on you

calculust: sigh

calculust: i really don't get why kids are always in love with their babysitters

toogaytofunction: i wasn't

space_alien: that's because your babysitter was a girl dumbass

toogaytofunction: the point still stands

space_alien: does it?

space_alien: also caddy weren't you obsessed with that peace corps guy? that's sort of the same thing

calculust: janis i was TEN let it GO

calculust: i never should have told you that

space_alien: yeah probably not

Massive_Deal has muted the chat

duck: we scared regina away

ronicaaa: this is how we know regina was in love with her babysitter

space_alien: yeah she was

toogaytofunction: ooh tea

space_alien: she had this babysitter named holly and she literally never shut up about her

space_alien: it was exhausting

Massive_Deal has unmuted the chat

Massive_Deal: i can sense you guys talking about me

Massive_Deal: Janis, WHY would you say that

space_alien: i'm just stating facts

space_alien: fact: regina george is a raging lesbian

Massive_Deal: Yeah, we already knew that.

space_alien: fact: regina george is a bully

Massive_Deal: Fact: Regina George is going to murder Janis Sarkisian

space_alien: fact: she couldn't if she tried

gothy-teen: fact: no one cares about anything y'all are saying right now

space_alien: this chat is so mean to me

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:57 pm

macaroni: guys

alyssa_greeene: mac

macaroni: so i'm being a counselor at a summer camp this week

macaroni: and i have to sign in all of the kids

macaroni: and this morning i was FREAKING OUT bc i couldn't find the pen

gspot: you were freaking out bc you couldn't find a pen?

macaroni: yes

Alana_Beck: I get that

a-aron: i-

discoball: don't even try aaron

a-aron: right

macaroni: anyway i was ON MY KNEES looking for it

macaroni: and then one of the parents was like "um are you looking for that pen in your hand?"

ronicaaa: HAHAHAHAHH

macaroni: hey!!!

ronicaaa: sorry babe it's just...

space_alien: VERY relatable

ronicaaa: what she said

SexyMouse: stuff like that happens to me all the time lol

SexyMouse: one time i forgot i was supposed to open a door before i walked through it

calculust: it's true i was there

checkers: karen would you be offended if i laughed at that

SexyMouse: no :)

checkers: good bc i already am

Horse_Girl: one time i almost got hit by a car because i forgot to finish crossing the road

Massive_Deal: I actually DID get hit by a car because I forgot to finish crossing the road.

space_alien: *bus

Massive_Deal: Well if I'd said bus it wouldn't have been as nicely repetitive, now would it?

calculust: somethings sounds grammatically incorrect about that sentence

Massive_Deal: Shut up, Cady.

space_alien: HEY

Massive_Deal: Sorry, sorry.

Tree_Boy: i fell out of a tree because i forgot to hold on

space_alien: i fell out of a window because i forgot to hold on!!

micheal_sMells: love how we're all bonding over our collective stupidity

space_alien: shut up micheal it's the best kind of bonding

micheal_sMells: i didn't say it wasn't!!!

theatre-nerd: i fell off a stage in the middle of a show once

linebacker4hugedick8: i dropped a football because i forgot how to hold things

tallestdwarf: i got hit in the head with a football because i forgot to use my eyes

gothy-teen: that explains a lot

ronicaaa: that might have been the most words i've ever hear kurt and ram say at once

hopelesslosergorl: i got stabbed because i forgot to look behind the shower curtain

space_alien: ...

ronicaaa: ...

calculust: ...

gothy-teen: ...

alyssa_greeene: ...

hopelesslosergorl: :)

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:37pm

gothy-teen: guysssss i hate summer so much

a-aron: whoa whoa whoa you did NOT just say that

anythingbutwallflower: yeah summer's the best lydia are you okay

gothy-teen: no i am not

gothy-teen: but back to my point

gothy-teen: summer is just so BORING

literal_demon: oh please you just don't like doing anything fun

gothy-teen: once again, bj, arson is illegal

literal_demon: yeah but i'm a ghost so i don't have to face consequenses

gothy-teen: i'm not having this conversation again

space_alien: lydia you hate school too

gothy-teen: this is true

wannaride: lydia just doesn't know what she wants

gothy-teen: this is also true

Alana_Beck: I agree about summer!! It's why I choose to invest my time in internships and such!

idiot: zoe your girlfriend is doing that thing again

yalikejazz?: what thing

idiot: the thing where she's annoying

Alana_Beck: Hey!!

anythingbutwallflower: he's kinda right

it'stheLittlethings: why does alana lowkey remind me of riley

themeanone: hmmm

themeanone: alana are you gonna go psycho and murder our friends?

Alana_Beck: If you keep insulting me, I might not have a choice.

idiot: oop-

yalikejazz?: idk whether to be terrified or turned on

space_alien: omg guys look it's jake peralta and amy santiago

yalikejazz?: i am Honored

macaroni: summer is great guys

macaroni: you get to relax and hang out with your friends!!

idiot: oh mac

space_alien: ever the wholesome one

macaroni: well someone has to be

macaroni: who else is gonna stop y'all from complaining about every situation??

space_alien: i meannnn

idiot: i feel like this chat is evenly divided into rays of sunshine and grumpy depressed gays

yalikejazz?: tread very lightly here, brother dearest

idiot: zoe falls into the latter catergory

yalikejazz?: oh fuck off

hopelesslosergorl: wich one m i??

space_alien: well based on your user...

hopelesslosergorl: no that's a joke tho

macaroni: it's a very dark joke!!!

hopelesslosergorl: and??? r u challenging me bitch??? you wanna go???

checkers: calm down babe

lesbean: um connor can we add a third catergory?

idiot: state your claim

lesbean: the weird ones??

idiot: i'll allow it

hopelesslosergorl: is ths suposed to be a dig?

lesbean: well it's not NOT supposed to be a dig

hopelesslosergorl: rude

ronicaaa: guys i think there are WAY more catergories than just those three

idiot: are you tryna overthrow the system ronnie? bc you can't

ronicaaa: janis why did you put me in this stupid chat

space_alien: i didn't do it!! didnt you make it??

gothy-teen: no i did

ronicaaa: really?

space_alien: i think we're having the same conversation again guys

yalikejazz?: this needs to stop happening

gothy-teen: well maybe it WOULDN'T if summer weren't so BORING

a-aron: oh lord are we back on this again

gothy-teen: yes!! doesn't anyone agree with me?

Alana_Beck: I said I did!!

gothy-teen: yeah but you're like a robot

theatre-nerd: no no she's AMY, not captain holt

a-aron: yeah lydia get it right geez

checkers: y'all need to stop referencing whatever show you're referencing

space_alien: wait WHAT

themeanone: sigh

discoball: chess have you really not watched brooklyn 99?


themeanone: dw guys i'm trying my best to educate her on tv shows

checkers: i don't like sitcoms!!

gothy-teen: treason

space_alien: banish her

checkers: wait no i'll watch it i promise

ronicaaa: connor?

idiot: i'll allow it

a-aron: wait who put connor in charge

gothy-teen: idk it just kinda happened

yalikejazz?: i vote we stage a coup bc things will go downhill very quickly with him in charge

idiot: hey!!!

ronicaaa: i vote mac should be in charge

ronicaaa: since she's the one who stops us from murdering each other and all

macaroni: aw thanks babe

hopelesslosergorl: i mena ive alredy been murdred but go off i gues


hopelesslosergorl has changed Horse_Girl's name to Horse_Gorl

Horse_Gorl: i hate you so much

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:59 am

hopelesslosergorl: guys i can't slep

checkers: babe we're ghosts we don't sleep

literal_demon: speak for yourself i love sleeping

gothy-teen: mood

anythingbutwallflower: if y'all love sleeping then WHY ARE YOU AWAKE

gothy-teen: she makes a solid point

gothy-teen: good night

literal_demon: welp

literal_demon: bye

space_alien: dammit cairo you just lost us our most interesting conversationalists

hopelesslosergorl: RDUE

hopelesslosergorl: whoops

toogaytofunction: janis i am Hurt

kiNkY: sorry guys you're just not audience favorites

hopelesslosergorl: i wil have you knw that the auidence LOVES ME

hopelesslosergorl: they like my murder jokes :-)

bicon: sorry, uh, what audience??

space_alien: the audience!!!

toogaytofunction: of the show

bicon: and what's the name of the show

theatre-nerd: GUYS NO


hopelesslosergorl: oh shit shes rigth

hopelesslosergorl: we musnt break the forth wall

kiNkY: it'll break the precious balance

checkers: i feel out of the loop

space_alien: idk what to tell you man

checkers: i feel ganged up on

space_alien: again idk what to tell you

bicon: they gang up on everyone chess you're not special

space_alien: this is true

space_alien: at least i'm sometimes nice

kiNkY: untrue

kiNkY: and i can be nice if i try

space_alien: i'm nice to caddy

space_alien: babe?? are you awake to back me up??

calculust: nope

toogaytofunction: ouch

kiNkY: anyway janis is a bad influnce is all i'm saying

space_alien: YOU KNOW WHAT JARED

toogaytofunction: y'all combined is bad news

kiNkY: stop yelling i was just tryna clear the air

space_alien: there was no air to be cleared

anythingbutwallflower: guys can i go to bed now??

hopelesslosergorl: we never said you couldn't

anythingbutwallflower: i didn't wanna miss anything

checkers: you're really not missing anything interesting


space_alien: i agree

toogaytofunction: what are we even talking about anymore

space_alien: come on damian get your head in the game

kiNkY: yeah dude cmon

toogaytofunction: that's not an... ok i'm going to bed too bc i'm too tired to comprehend janis's brain anymore

space_alien: it is a scary place

kiNkY: yeah mine too

kiNkY: you should visit sometime

space_alien: we have a wonderful tourist program

hopelesslosergorl: goodnight everyone 🥛 

anythingbutwallflower: FARRAH NO

anythingbutwallflower: NOT THE MILK

hopelesslosergorl: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MILK


space_alien: this is the first i've heard of it

hopelesslosergorl: yall need to chill

hopelesslosergorl: milk cant stand up for itself!! its prolly sucidal at thsi poitn

anythingbutwallflower: MILK STANDS UP JUST FINE


space_alien: ok wow this is a lot even for me

kiNkY: yeah same goodnight everyone

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:57 pm

space_alien: gyusfsss

space_alien: i love yuoo al so muchhh

space_alien: cept reginld

Massive_Deal: Charming.

lesbean: is janis drunk

calculust: yes

space_alien: noo caddy it a sercet shhhh

calculust: it was a secret until you found your phone

toogaytofunction: cady don't you know you're never supposed to give a drunk person their phone??? especially janis

calculust: i tried!! she stole it right out of my pocket!!!

toogaytofunction: drunk janis is sneaky janis

calculust: well i know that NOW

space_alien: heeeheeeeee

toogaytofunction: ok caddy i'm coming over

calculust: thank god

space_alien: caddyyyyy

calculust: janisssss

space_alien: can ouy coem help mee out of dis bush

space_alien: i fel off teh pocrh and now m stukc


space_alien: im sorreeeee :-(((

calculust: it's ok bby

space_alien: i luv youuu

calculust: love you too janjan

calculust: but seriously damian hurry up

toogaytofunction: i'm driving as fast as i can

macaroni: don't text and drive!!!

macaroni: also when you say you're driving as fast as you can you mean as fast as you LEGALLY can, right??

toogaytofunction: uhhhh

macaroni: RIGHT???

toogaytofunction: sorry i can't text and drive so i can't answer you're question

Alana_Beck: *your*

toogaytofunction: shut up alana

macaroni: DAMIAN BE NICE

macaroni: also janis you're SEVENTEEN you should not be drinking

hopelesslosergorl: i startd drinkin when i was forteen

macaroni: uhhh

hopelesslosergorl: :-)

macaroni: anyway

macaroni: there are far too many illegal things happening right now

space_alien: no on ajsed you mac nchese

calculust: janis!! be nice

macaroni: did you just call me mac n cheese

space_alien: ehll yeh i did

ronicaaa: i apologize for my cousin

space_alien: i aploogizze for YOUR FACEE

ronicaaa: good lord

space_alien: ahshshahahshshndlrrg

space_alien: m so funny

calculust: janjan i think it's bedtime

space_alien: not tired!!!

toogaytofunction: ok cady im here

calculust: thank god can you please help me get her out of this bush

space_alien: no i liek thsi bush

chandelier: i thought you wanted cady to help you escape the bush??

space_alien: tht was sooooo kong ago hether u dont even remeber it

chandelier: i don't or you don't??

space_alien: nobody knoews

shut_up_and_queer: is she always like this when she's drunk??

toogaytofunction: yep

toogaytofunction: actually she's always like this period

toogaytofunction: she just usually has better spelling

space_alien: im v god at speling 


space_alien: :-(((

shut_up_and_queer: do we think she's gonna remember any of this in the morning??

ronicaaa: not a chance

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:45 pm

yalikejazz?: guys a random guy on snapchat asked me to draw him

idiot: um has he seen you draw

yalikejazz?: HEY

idiot: i'm kidding you can draw like 10000 times better than me

yalikejazz: thank you

yalikejazz?: but that wasn't the most important part

gothy-teen: ooh what was

yalikejazz?: the picture he sent me to base the drawing of

whyamievenheere: uh oh

wannaride: dick pic alert

yalikejazz?: ok no it was not a dick pic i should not have opened that way

yalikejazz?: but in the picture he was riding a DUNE BUGGY


yalikejazz?: I KNOW RIGHT

theatre-nerd: did you actually draw him

yalikejazz?: yeah but now he wants to meet in person so i can give it to him which seems kinda sketch

themeanone: don't do it

themeanone: there is no way he's not into you

yalikejazz?: ugh so are all the other kaydens i know

micheal_sMells: how- how many kaydens do you know

yalikejazz?: hmmm

yalikejazz?: five??

idiot: that is Alarming

yalikejazz?: they're all assholes too

yalikejazz?: one of them said i have a symmetrical face

ronicaaa: bro that was the first thing mac ever said to me

macaroni: it's true

ronicaaa: she said if she took a meat cleaver down the center of my skull she'd have matching halves

macaroni: it's very important!!

chandelier: it's true i taught her that

yalikejazz?: yikes

yalikejazz?: that's kinda sus guys are you okay

macaroni: nope

bicon: zoe i feel like you should know not to ask that question by now

yalikejazz?: yeah probably

yalikejazz?: anyway i should probably block that kayden right

yalikejazz?: what with the meat cleaver and everything

ronicaaa: you remember that he didn't actually say that part tho right??

yalikejazz?: oh yeah

yalikejazz?: but he's straight so i'll block him anyway

theatre-nerd: *gasps*

theatre-nerd: are you...

theatre-nerd: HETEROPHOBIC

yalikejazz: nooo i support their lifestyle i just wish they would be quieter about it

theatre-nerd: lmao my phone didn't recognize the word heterophobia bc it's not a real thing

themeanone: as it should

Alana_Beck: Isn't it past your guys' bedtimes?

bicon: shhh the adults are talking

Alana_Beck: About what?

Alana_Beck: Oh, I scrolled up.

Alana_Beck: Babe? Block all the Kaydens.

Alana_Beck: Goodnight.

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:48 am

alyssa_greeene: WAIT zoe i never found out what ended up with that surgery you made us all take

hopelesslosergorl: ???

lesbean: zoe made us all take a survey about what color she should dye her hair a few weeks before we added you to the chat

hopelesslosergorl: but- SHE SIAD SURGRY

lesbean: she meant survey

alyssa_greeene: you don't know that

alyssa_greeene: zoe could have forced me to get my appendix removed

alyssa_greeene: I WANT MY APPENDIX ZOE

lesbean: well i got the SURVEY too so i doubt it

alyssa_greeene: what survey idk what you mean

yalikejazz?: yeah emma idk what you're on about i clearly have alyssa's appendix

yalikejazz?: it was part of our plot to murder farrah

hopelesslosergorl: joks on yuo im alredy dead lol

yalikejazz?: oh yeahhh

yalikejazz?: anyway the appendix is in a jar on my nightstand

yalikejazz?: i look at it every night before i go to sleep

theatre-nerd: welp that escalated quickly

idiot: dammit guys i thought i was gonna get to hear an awesome story about how zoe almost killed alyssa and she had to get emergency surgery

hopelesslosergorl: nope they jst wanna murdur me

alyssa_greeene: been our goal this whole time

hopelesslosergorl: christine will u please be on my side

theatre-nerd: yes i'll protect you

theatre-nerd: ALYSSA zoe help i don't think i can keep up this "on her side" act much longer we gotta act fast

alyssa_greeene: yeah christine you're a terrible liar i think she's gonna see through it

yalikejazz?: wait why is alyssa's name in caps but not mine

theatre-nerd: bc autocorrect is dumb

hopelesslosergorl: yoo guys are so mean

yalikejazz?: sorry farrah i think someone hacked all of our phones

alyssa_greeene: it was prolly one of the kaydens smh

lesbean: anywayyyy zoe what color's your hair

yalikejazz?: oh! i decided i didnt actually care about y'all's opinions so i didn't dye it

idiot: it was very anticlimactic

theatre-nerd: yeah jesus christ

alyssa-greeene: goodnight i guess? 

lesbean: might as well go to sleep after this disappointment

yalikejazz?: where's the anti-bullying police when you need her

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:36 am

Horse_Gorl: guys wake up

gothy-teen: bold of you to assume i ever went to sleep

Horse_Gorl: is anyone else awake??

gothy-teen: rude

kiNkY: im up

ronicaaa: me too

wannahang: me too

Horse_Gorl: ok well i got this app thing

Horse_Gorl: and it's like a game

Horse_Gorl: it's called exposed download it so we can try it

gothy-teen: okey i downloaded it

kiNkY: me too

wannahang: me too

Horse_Gorl: ok

Horse_Gorl: ronnie

Horse_Gorl: ronnieeee

ronicaaa: oh good lord

ronicaaa: i thought this was gonna be something important

Horse_Gorl: just download it

kiNkY: veronica this is important!!

gothy-teen: yeah veronica come on

ronicaaa: shhh i'm playing lemmings

gothy-teen: what the fuck is lemmings

space_alien: it's a video game she's obsessed with

space_alien: it's becoming a problem

Horse_Gorl: GRRRR

space_alien: i'm busy rn but ill download it in a min ok annleigh


kiNkY: yeah that's sort of the point

wannahang: what could you possibly be busy doing?

space_alien: homework?

gothy-teen: nice try

space_alien: reading?

kiNkY: wait you can read

space_alien: haaaahaaa jared you're soooo funny

ronicaaa: okay i'm downloading it

kiNkY: shut up veronica we're on a new thing now

macaroni: !!!!

kiNkY: sorry mac

kiNkY: miss veronica, would you please shush your adorable mouth so that the grownups can talk

macaroni: overcompensating


space_alien: ok i'm ready

ronicaaa: i thought you were busy

space_alien: i'm not anymore

kiNkY: ok i need to know what you were doing

space_alien: i told you

kiNkY: you were lying

space_alien: i was

ronicaaa: janis no one is going to leave you alone until you tell us

space_alien: FINE i was playing lemmings


ronicaaa: I WINNNN

gothy-teen: win what

space_alien: we had a bet that she would get me addicted to lemmings

Horse_Gorl: if y'all don't join the game in like thirty seconds we're starting without you

space_alien: ok i'm joining

ronicaaa: me too

space_alien: wait this game makes no sense

ronicaaa: yeah i'm so confused

wannahang: me too

gothy-teen: this game is weird annleigh

kiNkY: yeah

Horse_Gorl: okay FINE i tried something and it didn't work 

Horse_Gorl: sue me

hopelesslosergorl: u dont hve any money

Horse_Gorl: shut up farrah

macaroni: !!!

yalikejazz?: guys none of my hoes are responding to me

space_alien: hoes??

yalikejazz?: the kaydens

kiNkY: ZOE are you OBJECTIFYING the men in your life

yalikejazz?: yep

kiNkY: shame on you

kiNkY: but also i support it

yalikejazz?: you do?

kiNkY: yeah

kiNkY: we're actually all robots

kiNkY: so yeah we are objects

ronicaaa: good to know good to know

macaroni: is alana at all concerned that you have a barrage of suitors lined up?

Alana_Beck: Nope!

yalikejazz?: babe why are you awake??

Alana_Beck: Sleep is for the weak and unproductive, Zoe.

space_alien: well jokes on you bc none of us sleep and we're all weak and unproductive anyway

kiNkY: nice roast on yourself janis

space_alien: thanks i try

wannahang: guys

wannahang: either we play exposed again

wannahang: or we go to sleep

ronicaaa: nah imma play lemmings

space_alien: me too

ronicaaa: right and then you're gonna venmo me ten bucks bc i won

space_alien: nope

ronicaaa: yep

space_alien: okay

ronicaaa: thank you

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:16 pm

yalikejazz?: EVAN WE HAVE AN ISSUE

Tree_Boy: what did you do

yalikejazz?: i scheduled a hair appointment

idiot: oh no, how will we ever cope??

yalikejazz?: you guys don't understand

yalikejazz?: it's on the day of evan's end-of-summer party


lesbean: i thought zoe decided not to do anything with her hair

yalikejazz?: i changed my mind

yalikejazz?: i'm putting back the indigo streaks

yalikejazz?: and it's a longggg appointment

Tree_Boy: can't you move the appointment??

yalikejazz?: lemme check

yalikejazz?: oh wait

yalikejazz?: i lied

yalikejazz?: it's the day before

Tree_Boy: thank god

yalikejazz?: so i'll have dope hair for the party

Alana_Beck: Isn't it a pool party?

Tree_Boy: yesss

Alana_Beck: So won't the dye come out?

yalikejazz?: eh it's fine

alyssa_greeene: but you can't swim

yalikejazz?: yes i can

yalikejazz?: i'm very talented

Tree_Boy: no zoe it would be so sad if the chlorine messed with it the day after you dyed it

yalikejazz?: nooo it's fineeee

idiot: just put your hair up and be super careful

yalikejazz?:okey i will i promise

gothy-teen: you can put up a huge sign saying don't splash zoe

gothy-teen: tho if i were there it would just make me want to do it more

idiot: there will be a fine of 10 bucks

yalikejazz?: idk maybe i should just reschedule the appt

lesbean: no don't

lesbean: just don't swim it's easy

lesbean: bc if you do it earlier then there will be even more swimming situations to avoid

yalikejazz?: no i meant like make it later

yalikejazz?: but then i wouldn't have it for the start of school and that's no bueno

alyssa_greeene: yeah just don't swim

yalikejazz?: ok

yalikejazz?: but y'all have to hold me to that ok?? don't let me do anything dumb

yalikejazz?: and make that sign too

yalikejazz?: or i will

yalikejazz?: tape it to my forehead

yalikejazz?: dress in red like a big warning light

yalikejazz?: etc

kiNkY: there will be a stand where we charge people if they splash zoe

lesbean: the proceeds from the stand will go toward replacing the money zoe is spending on the hair dye

idiot: but no one will ever have to do that because no one. will splash. zoe

Alana_Beck: This is getting sinister.

yalikejazz?: as it should babe, as it should

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:37 pm

yalikejazz?: guys it's official

yalikejazz?: i have no more kaydens left in my snap contacts

shut_up_and_queer: congrats

yalikejazz?: thank you thank you

themeanone: i think she was being sarcastic zoe

shut_up_and_queer: was not

themeanone: liar

shut_up_and_queer: yeah ok

yalikejazz?: wow you caved easily

themeanone: yeah she's a weakling

shut_up_and_queer: hey!!!

themeanone: sorry babe i wouldn't say it if it wasn't true

anythingbutwallflower: well that's just not true

themeanone: name one time i've said something that wasn't true

anythingbutwallflower: you pretended to be straight for like two years

themeanone: THAT'S because i THOUGHT you guys were all STUPID little HETEROSEXUAL CHEERLEADERS

yalikejazz?: well that just makes you stupid

themeanone: HEY

yalikejazz?: i wouldn't say it if it wasn't true

anythingbutwallflower: oohhh she flipped it on you

themeanone: I KNOW CAIRO

yalikejazz?: did we really move on from my kayden thing this quickly

shut_up_and_queer: zoe we love you and we're very proud of you but watching kate and cairo argue is better than tv and interrupting it is like taking a phone call in the middle of an episode of modern family

duck: MODERN FAMILY i love that show

chandelier: mehhh how i met your mother is better

discoball: omg wait i love himym

chandelier: YES ok thoughts on ted and robin

discoball: stupid, they shouldn't have bothered

chandelier: I KNOW RIGHT

discoball: thoughts on lily and marshall

chandelier: perfect, obviously

chandelier: how about barney and robin

discoball: perfect, amazing, genius

chandelier: RIGHT

chandelier: when barney got hit by that bus and they were talking about how the things you love flash before your eyes and he was looking at robin i almost cried

ronicaaa: wait a hot second

ronicaaa: heather almost cried?? over a fictional hetero relationship??

discoball: shut up veronica you don't understand the character development

Massive_Deal: As someone who has actually gotten hit by a bus I can assure you that that's not what you think about.

chandelier: way to ruin our vibe reggie

Massive_Deal: I'm just saying! When a speeding vehicle comes at you, you don't really have enough time to have an epiphany. You just think, "Oh my God I'm going to die" and then the next thing you know you're lying in a pool of your own blood and some anxious chick is screeching her head off.

discoball: that was me

Massive_Deal: Well, it was irritating.

chandelier: anyway

chandelier: some idiotic man just told me i'm a basic bitch because i like halsey and taylor swift

chandelier: should i give him a long rant or just block him??

lesbean: long rant long rant long rant

chandelier: alright how's this

chandelier: things are popular for a reason you fucking idiot!! i'm not gonna try to be "not like other girls" just because the patriarchy wants to lump all women into one category and say that they're basic just because they can't stomach the idea of girls having thoughts and opinions, so if you would kindly STOP ATTACKING ME just because i like artists that other people like (for good reason) that would be great because you're acting like a real man right now and it's not cute

alyssa_greeene: how did you type that so fast

chandelier: this guy is not the first to call me basic

chandelier: i have like ten rants in my notes app for various situations so i can just copy and paste and utterly destroy anyone who questions me

Massive_Deal: Damn. Respect.

chandelier: thank you

chandelier: i sent that one to the guy and he left me on read

ronicaaa: he probably went to go cry

chandelier: he did. i'm sitting in a coffee shop and he's sitting a few tables over.

themeanone: he just... happened to be there??

chandelier: welllll he's on a date with this girl i know and i had a feeling he wasn't gonna treat her well so i tracked him from his insta story and he's been dming me the whole time

chandelier: i'm surprised he hasn't noticed me yet

chandelier: then again, dming a girl while pretending to be interested in the girl in front of him probably takes up as much brainpower as his singular braincell can handle

shut_up_and_queer: chandler reallly woke up and chose violence this morning huh

chandelier: oh honey i choose violence every morning

themeanone: i'm kinda scared

chandelier: :-)

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:27 pm

discoball: my people!! where the fuck are you

calculust: in class

discoball: what?? but class just got out

space_alien: yeah but we're all already at the classroom

discoball: y'all are so weird wtf

toogaytofunction: you're weird!!!

discoball: am not!!!

discoball: oh wait actually i'm already at class too

space_alien: wowwww

discoball: hehe

calculust: wait gretch

discoball: cady

calculust: no you're not

discoball: yes

discoball: yes i am

discoball: can u see me??

calculust: no!! so you're not in french!!!

discoball: yeah i'm outside my classroom

calculust: NO YOU'RE NOT

Massive_Deal: Cady

Massive_Deal: Cady

Massive_Deal: Cady

calculust: what

Massive_Deal: Gretchen isn't in French class. She's in Spanish.

calculust: oh

calculust: sorry gretch

discoball: stupiddddd

macaroni: hey!!!!

discoball: sorry mac

discoball: cady you're very intelligent

calculust: yeah i know

SexyMouse: im at home driking coffe

discoball: babe why aren't you at school???

SexyMouse: didn't wanna

chandelier: mood

alyssa_greeene: are you guys,,, like,,, okay

space_alien: nope!

lesbean: at least they're cheerful about it

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:06 pm

gothy-teen: dog.jpg

gothy-teen: he's dead :-(((

michael_sMells: wait what???

macaroni: HE'S DEAD?????

gothy-teen: yep :-)

gothy-teen: NO LMAO

gothy-teen: HE'S FINE

gothy-teen: alivedog.jpg

calculust: omg i was about to be so concerned

clarky-boy: i was thinking that the choice of emoticon was a bit strange for a death announcement

gothy-teen: you people have terrible senses of humor

anythingbutwallflower: lydia

anythingbutwallflower: honey

anythingbutwallflower: that's fucking morbid

gothy-teen: oh shut up cairo you had a boner for a murderer


themeanone: idk cairo i feel like you could have puzzled it out

anythingbutwallflower: you didn't!!!


whyamievenheere: *jake peralta voice* ooh, self-burn, those are rare

themeanone: also cairo you were her best friend sooo

anythingbutwallflower: don't poke my trauma kate

space_alien: DON'T POKE MY TRAUMA

space_alien: i'm stealing that

ronicaaa: psshhhh what trauma do you have

space_alien: did you miss the day where i recounted my tragic backstory

ronicaaa: my boyfriend killed three people

space_alien: oh big deal who hasn't

macaroni: JANIS NO

calculust: dammit mac you beat me to it

macaroni: sorry

ronicaaa: it's ok mac i'll protect you from my evil murderer cousin

space_alien: hey you don't have proof

ronicaaa: you just basically gave me proof

whyamievenheere: another self-burn

michael_sMells: calm down babe

whyamievenheere: i'll calm down when i'm dead 

ronicaaa: well if you keep interacting with janis you might not have to wait very long


ronicaaa: what

space_alien: uhh idk i hadn't thought that far

macaroni: how did we get from lydia's dog not being dead to this

ronicaaa: idk but it was probably janis's fault

space_alien: actually it was cairo's fault

anythingbutwallflower: actuallyyy i think it was lydia's fault

gothy-teen: hey now we don't need to point fingers

macaroni: yeah let's just take a breath here

ronicaaa: mac, sweetie, i love you

macaroni: ...but??

ronicaaa: there isn't one

macaroni: okayyyy i love you too i guess

ronicaaa: YOU GUESS??

space_alien: hahahhahaha

macaroni: nooo that's not what i meant 

ronicaaa: :-(((

macaroni: nooo babyyy i'm sorry

ronicaaa: :-((((

macaroni: want me to kiss it and make it better

ronicaaa: :-)))

gothy-teen: gross

anythingbutwallflower: shut up lydia it's not our fault you're lonely

gothy-teen: RUDE

macaroni: cairo be nice

anythingbutwallflower: do i have tooooo

macaroni: i will snap your neck

anythingbutwallflower: oh dear god sorry lydia jesus christ

gothy-teen: i forgive u :-)

space_alien: one day i aspire to terrify people as much as mac does

macaroni: noo i don't want people to be scared of me!! :-)))

ronicaaa: aww you're so cute babe

space_alien: that's what you think

space_alien: she's got everyone fooled

space_alien: *suspenseful music*

macaroni: oh shut up janis

space_alien: yep sorry

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 7:18 pm

SexyMouse: gretch did we haev chem homwork

discoball: yeah

SexyMouse: what is it?

discoball: idk the thingy thingy

discoball: i haven't done it yet

SexyMouse: tell me wen you have

discoball: okey

Massive_Deal: I've done it.

Massive_Deal: Do you want it?

SexyMouse: yesss

SexyMouse: wayt do we have liek the same hw scedule?

Massive_Deal: Which one is it?

SexyMouse: idkkkk

SexyMouse: thats wat i need to know!!

Massive_Deal: Ohhh 

Massive_Deal: Didn't she tell you which homework it is?

SexyMouse: who??

SexyMouse: the teacher told us but i wasn't listening

discoball: she meant me babe

SexyMouse: oh well you disapered

Massive_Deal: Actually, I was talking about the teacher.

Massive_Deal: Can't you look in your packet?

SexyMouse: yeh but the doo dates arent in it

Massive_Deal: Just do everything that's related to the lab you did in class.

Massive_Deal: Is it the measurement stuff?

SexyMouse: no we alredy did that

Massive_Deal: Which lab did you do in class? 

Massive_Deal: Also where did Gretchen go? She's in your class isn't she?

SexyMouse: idkkkk :-(((

Massive_Deal: I don't think there's any homework, though.

SexyMouse: but gretchen said their was homewerk!!

discoball: it's the handout babe

SexyMouse: i dont have a handowt!!

discoball: wait maybe it wsnt

discoball: ohh it's the density problems

SexyMouse: ohhh ok

Massive_Deal: Good Lord Gretch why didn't you just say that in the first place?

discoball: i got confused!!!

discoball: sorry for being human

calculust: oh psshhh you always use that excuse 

calculust: also yes the density problems are due tomorrow

themeanone: was cady just watching this all go down while she had the answer

calculust: uhhh

themeanone: i mean it in a good way

calculust: oh

calculust: then yes

space_alien: nice one babe

calculust: thank you

themeanone: anyway aren't y'all seniors why are you taking chem

toogaytofunction: idk our school's like weird

anythingbutwallflower: how articulate damian

calculust: he's right 

calculust: we're all in ap chem tho

themeanone: oh well you could have jsut said that

SexyMouse: yeh like yuo cold have told me aboot the chem hw

calculust: it was FUNNY i'm SORRY

macaroni: cady i think we have different ideas of what's funny

calculust: yes well i might be a bit high atm

discoball: what??? cady heron is high???

calculust: janis made me

space_alien: hey don't blame me!! it was your idea!! don't make me out to be some kind of pusher!!!

discoball: i'm a pusher cady i push people ahahahh

calculust: not funny

discoball: kinda funny

toogaytofunction: ok but like how is she typing so well

calculust: im very talented

space_alien: and i'm typing for her

toogaytofunction: are you not high too??

space_alien: i will be in a couple minutes but caddy's a fuckin lightweight

calculust: takin phnoe beci now

calculust: an i m not litweth

space_alien: yes you are

Horse_Gorl: Does pot even work that way? I thought that was just alcohol

hopelesslosergorl: oh what would you know annleee

Horse_Gorl: how do you still not know how to spell my name??

hopelesslosergorl: bc you're a dumb butt

Horse_Gorl: you're a dumb butt!!

hopelesslosergorl: wow how creative

Horse_Gorl: that's a big word for you farrah i'm suprised you spelled it right

hopelesslosergorl: oh fuck off

wannahang: this is the most sibling interaction i've ever seen

hopelesslosergorl: well annleigh told me i'll never be her sister so not really

Horse_Gorl: aw farrah i didn't mean that

Horse_Gorl: i was super sad when you died

hopelesslosergorl: :-)))

ronicaaa: #characterdevelopment

macaroni: shh baby don't spoil the moment

ronicaaa: i didn't mean to!!

macaroni: *sighs* you never do

ronicaaa: don't be mean!!!

macaroni: sorry sorry

anythingbutwallflower: it's kind of amazing how similar cady and janis's interactions are to mac and ronnie's

toogaytofunction: cinematic parallels

wannaride: i thought this was a show?? not a movie????

toogaytofunction: actually it's a fanfiction comprised of the characters from various broadway shows

space_alien: damian are you high too

toogaytofuntion: how dare you suggest that i, a dedicated actor, would meddle with my own brain and risk reducing the impact of my performance??

space_alien: the play isn't for another three months dude chill

space_alien: also was it even you who came up with the whole 'it's a show' thing??

gothy-teen: oh shush janis no one can remember that far back

toogaytofunction: yeah you think the author writing this has the time to go back, FIND the chapter where that happened, FIGURE OUT who first said it, THEN come back and add it here? get real

calculust: ok i'm high and i still think you're all being weird

space_alien: said the girl who is currently removing the rings off my fingers and trying to... weave them together??

calculust: shh i've almost got it

space_alien: ok well- oh wait it jsut hit mee

anythingbutwallflower: good grief

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:16 pm

shut_up_and_queer: guys i've got some bad news

gothy-teen: whattttt

shut_up_and_queer: ok so ya know how i got stung by a sting ray this summer??

lesbean: sorry WHAT

lesbean: did not know that!!!

shut_up_and_queer: oh well idk what to tell you

themeanone: anygay babe what happened

shut_up_and_queer: well like after a week or so i could kinda walk normally on it and like most of the bruising was gone so ya know i healed

shut_up_and_queer: but the hole in my foot still isn't healed!!!

gothy-teen: the- the hole? in your foot??

shut_up_and_queer: yeah!! and it has like the same pain radiating out of it but like slightly less unbearable as when i got stung!!

Horse_Gorl: has it been like this since it happened or did it just start hurting

themeanone: she literally just said it hurt when it happened bestie

Horse_Gorl: nooo i mean like has it been continuously hurting or did it go away for a while

shut_up_and_queer: idk it just like aches every once in a while

shut_up_and_queer: but all the venom is out of my body

literal_demon: wait wait can we see a pic of this hole in your foot

shut_up_and_queer: no

literal_demon: okay

shut_up_and_queer: mostly just bc my phone won't focus on my foot

themeanone: babe GET A NEW PHONE yours has literally been broken for months

shut_up_and_queer: babe I DON'T HAVE MONEY

themeanone: oh right

space_alien: wait wait wait i have not heard this story

shut_up_and_queer: ok ok so i was in panama and i was just like. not having a good time like i sliced up my knee and it got kinda infected and then like i injured my other knee and my knee cap was like sideways and it was super weird lookin and then we went to the beach and i was like yay we're at the beach what could happen

shut_up_and_queer: but llike 30 seconds after entering the water i got stung by a sting ray and it hurt so fuckin bad you don't even know and then i had to stick my foot in SCALDING water for like an hour to distract myself from the pain

shut_up_and_queer: but then it still really hurt but i decided just not to tell anyone bc sticking your foot is awful so for the rest of the time at the beach i could barely walk and it was pretty epic

themeanone: she complained about it to me over text constantly

shut_up_and_queer: ok well i wasn't gonna complain to my MOM who busted her ass to afford the trip

shut_up_and_queer: anywayyy i met a ton of ppl who also got stung by a sting ray and they were like oh yeah it hurt worse than when i got shot and it was super funny

shut_up_and_queer: the end

shut_up_and_queer: that was the very abridged version

space_alien: isn't that how steve irwin died

gothy-teen: is that the alligator wrestling dude?

space_alien: yeah the "i was out in the outback right, and i was hopping along in my truck all kangaroo like, when i come across this massive croc the size of a bear, so i wrestle em to the groung the lil bugga and i stick a tag right between it's eyes" all said in an australian accent

gothy-teen: and he died by stingray

space_alien: yeah but he got stung by like one of the massive ones in his heart so it's different than eva's foot hole

shut_up_and_queer: oh that's sad

space_alien: i mean i didn't know him but i'm sure if you knew him it would be sad

shut_up_and_queer: well but he was like really nice and he liked animals so that automatically makes you a good person

shut_up_and_queer: also apparently i was supposed to go to the hospital after getting stung

toogaytofunction: guyssss janis is making me watch a horror movie and my dad walked in and it scared me so bad it jumped like five feet

toogaytofunction: it was traumatic

gothy-teen: the other night i had a nightmare where these twins who were murderers moved into our backyard and broke into our house while i was home alone and were gonna kill me

toogaytofunction: WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT

gothy-teen: seemed relevant

toogaytofunction: i'm never gonna sleep tonight

themeanone: y'alls nightmares are so weird

themeanone: mine are just like seeing a person i don't like

themeanone: cairo's usually heavily featured

anythingbutwallflower: rude

gothy-teen: so you haven't had the one where your friend lets his man eating dragon eat you???

toogaytofunction: WHAT

gothy-teen: i think that one was based on the sandworm

ronicaaa: last night i had a dream that i didn't have a pen in AP lit and every time i would ask for one as soon as i got it it would just disappear

ronicaaa: now that's terrifying

duck: yooo i had a dream that the AP lit teacher was a woman and she was really mean

chandelier: omg what do you think that teacher's wife is like

ronicaaa: mr howard??

chandelier: yeah like do you think he's just as... eccentric at home

macaroni: omg that'd be so funny

rainbow123: i think she would have divorced him already if he did that thing with his hands when she talked lollll

duck: the weird step into my lair thing???

rainbow123: yes!!!

chandelier: or after everything she says he screams "IRONY"

ronicaaa: ahahahaha

macaroni: "honey i don't want to butter your toast, but i like your outfit today :-)))"

gothy-teen: i literally don't even know what butter your toast means

ronicaaa: omg when she calls him for dinner he's like "i'm coming at you hon, gazelle-like!"

rainbow123: did you guys know he also teaches APUSH??

duck: omggg he probably has a portrait of george washington in his living room

space_alien: omg i want a poster of george washington in my bedroom!!! i could have all the presidents!! omfg i could cover all my walls with old dudes wearing wigs!!!

calculust: now i know what to get you for your birthday

toogaytofunction: jan you want a picture of trump in your bedroom???

gothy-teen: now THAT'S a nightmare

ronicaaa: bahaha what about barron trump

ronicaaa: what a hottie am i right y'all

lesbean: i feel bad for everyone who's gonna have to go back through all this and piece it together

ronicaaa: y'all we need to read more books in ap lit

ronicaaa: we should read the outsiders and huckleberry finn those books are literally so vibey

chandelier: there's literally so many n words in huck finn tho so the school wouldn't let us read it

chandelier: but yeah we should read the outsiders

toogaytofunction: i liked tom sawyer better than huck finn

ronicaaa: really i thought the opposite

duck: well they're fairly similar

macaroni: i liked to kill a mockingbird

chandelier: oh hush heather everyone likes to kill a mockingbird

chandelier: just kidding sorry

chandelier: i've always wanted to sound super smart and mean like that

ronicaaa: well you've done mean before

ronicaaa: idk about smart

macaroni: shhh ronnie just let her have this

macaroni: also that's literally the only old book ik of so at least i tried so no need to make me sound dumb

gothy-teen: i hated to kill a mockingbird

toogaytofunction: blocked

macaroni: blocked

ronicaaa: blocked

lesbean: blocked

duck: blocked

chandelier: blocked

rainbow123: i'm not gonna block you bc i won't do something mean like that but i agree with the sentiment

ronicaaa: oh good lord martha

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 9:05 am

it'stheLittlethings: folks i have a boyfriend

anythingbutwallflower: come again for big fudge??

themeanone: excuse me what

rainbow123: don't you have a prison wife or something?

it'stheLittlethings: oh tasha!! remind me to put the next prison visit in my calendar

it'stheLittlethings: anyway i'm in an open relationship with the guy from africa ahaha

calculust: there's a guy from africa???

it'stheLittlethings: yeah lmao i've been snapping him

it'stheLittlethings: his name's Nfume and he's from kenya

calculust: OMG NFUME

toogaytofunction: THE nfume???

space_alien: the one you were in love with when you were five???

it'stheLittlethings: nfume.jpg is this him??

calculust: YES OMG

calculust: tell him i say hi

calculust: but also are you actually dating him???

it'stheLittlethings: actually i swear

anythingbutwallflower: huh well congrats

themeanone: i don't buy it

it'stheLittlethings: y'all it's a v noncomittal thing don't worry

it'stheLittlethings: it's like how these two girls in prison would pretend to be together so the guys would leave them alone but they weren't actually together

it'stheLittlethings: like girlfriends without benefits

themeanone: be honest

themeanone: were those two girls you and tasha

it'stheLittlethings: yep

space_alien: ok but this seems a little different from girlfriends with benefits

space_alien: it's a random dude from africe

calculust: he is v nice tho

it'stheLittlethings: see!!! it's fine guys

ronicaaa: this seems like a terrible idea

it'stheLittlethings: literally what can happen?? he lives across the world

ronicaaa: yeah that's my point

it'stheLittlethings: worst case scenario i block him

calculust: don't block him!!! he's so nice

toogaytofunction: chill out cady you have a girlfriend

calculust: that's not what i meant >;-((

toogaytofunction: the winky face makes me think otherwise

calculust: NO I DIDN'T MEAN TO

space_alien: :-000


space_alien: hmmm

space_alien: fine i forgive you

space_alien: but also mattie's definitely doomed

it'stheLittlethings: i'm not gonna get hurt y'all he's the one who's obsessed with me

Massive_Deal: omg like why are you so obsessed with me???

space_alien: are you like in love with me or something omgggg

calculust: i said sorry!!

space_alien: was kidding

anythingbutwallflower: waitttt mattie is this that one guy who we snapped from school the other day and he was like "ive never had so many females looking at me at once"

anythingbutwallflower: keep in mind y'all there were like three of us

it'stheLittlethings: yep that's him

hopelesslosergorl: HHAAHAHAH

calculust: mattieeee he lives on another continent and you've never met him this seems like a bad idea

it'stheLittlethings: yeah but you've met him and i've met him so that's basically the same

calculust: i... can't believe i'm having this conversation

it'stheLittlethings: it's fine you guys he's super christian and i don't think he could hurt a fly i just thought it would be funny

calculust: i once watched him have a wrestling match with a lion cub

calculust: when.

calculust: he.

calculust: was.

calculust: five.

it'stheLittlethings: yep i'm gonna dump him

gothy-teen: GUYS I FOUND A GHOST



gothy-teen has added 7-11 to the chat

ronicaaa: wait what

7-11: hello folks

ronicaaa: no

ronicaaa: nononononono

ronicaaa: lydia remove him please

gothy-teen: what why

ronicaaa: right now do it please

7-11: dearest ronnie, is that you???

ronicaaa: no i'm not veronica whaaaaat lydia please take him away 

gothy-teen: why who is he

ronicaaa: it's jd

space_alien: omg ew get it away

calculust: fuck you jason

toogaytofunction: yeah kill him

hopelesslosergorl: i was gonna say that

macaroni: babe are you ok

idiot: kick him out

anythingbutwallflower: right now

themeanone: i'm gonna beat him up

Horse_Gorl: kate no

Horse_Gorl: but yes

gothy-teen has removed 7-11 from the chat

calculust: *applause*

space_alien: *applause*

toogaytofunction: *applause*

hopelesslosergorl: *applause*

macaroni: *applause*

idiot: *applause*

anythingbutwallflower: *applause*

themeanone: *applause*

Horse_Gorl: *applause*

ronicaaa: y'all are my favorite people ever

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:56 pm

micheal_sMells: guys elle just called my voice wet and wiggly

micheal_sMells: would you agree

toogaytofunction: well i've never heard your voice but based on your character i think wiggly is a good assessment

toogaytofunction: not wet tho that's just weird

gothy-teen: who's elle??

micheal_sMells: my stepsister

micheal_sMells: remember that whole convo we had about her

gothy-teen: ohh right

gothy-teen: the *gags* straight one

micheal_sMells: actually i found out she's bi

gothy-teen: and you haven't added her by now because...

micheal_sMells: she's still annoying 

micheal_sMells: AND she just called my voice wet and wiggly!!

whyamievenheere: i mean in fairness having a microchip in your brain will do that to you

micheal_sMells: hey i was never squipped!!!

wannahang: it's true he wasn't

space_alien: wait back the fuck up

space_alien: microchip??? in your brain??

wannaride: omggg we've never told y'all this story

bicon: wait lemme start

bicon: once upon a time, jeremy heere was a sad little boy who had no friends

micheal_sMells: hey!!

bicon: sorry, he had one friend who he was rather in love with

whyamievenheere: okay you just lost your storytelling priviledges

bicon: rude

bicon: but fair

whyamievenheere: anyway rich was a bully

whyamievenheere: but people liked him cuz ppl are stupid

whyamievenheere: so one day he told me that his secret to being popular was this microchip called a squip that told him what to do to make people like him

whyamievenheere: so i was like bro that sounds cool and micheal and i went to the mall to get one

gothy-teen: they just... have these things at the mall??

micheal_sMells: there was a dealer there

gothy-teen: oh right obviously

gothy-teen: carry on

wannahang: and then they ran into me and brooke!!

whyamievenheere: yeahhh that's not really relevant

wannaride: well fuck you too

whyamievenheere: anywayyyy the squip was great but i really wanted christine to date me so i had to work harder

toogaytofunction: wait i thought you liked micheal


calculust: mood

whyamievenheere: ANYWAY christine was in love with jake so the squip told me i had to up my game

whyamievenheere: so i let the squip basically take me over

bicon: and then i set a fire

hopelesslosergorl: omg twins

whyamievenheere: uh... moving past that disturbing comment, actually chloe made out with me before that happened

wannahang: i thought you said we weren't important

whyamievenheere: i felt bad

wannahang: anyway yes i did do that but it was bc i wanted to make brooke jealous

bicon: i thought it was bc you were jealous of brooke

wannahang: oh well i may have phrased incorrectly

tallestdwarf: oh i do that sometimes

toogaytofunction: do shit to make people jealous??

tallestdwarf: huh? no i meant phrase things incorrectly

ronicaaa: of course

micheal_sMells: and then i tried to get jeremy to stop with the squip situation but he was being a lil bitch and wouldn't listen

whyamievenheere: babe!!

micheal_sMells: am i wrong?

whyamievenheere: nope

theatre_nerd: and then jeremy asked me out and i said no bc jake and i had just broke up

Jakey-D: and then rich set a fire bc his squip was malfunctioning or something and i broke my legs!!

ronicaaa: ok i feel like we're reallyyyy glossing over the rich set a fire part

bicon: my squip told me to set a fire so i set a fire calm down veronica your bf almost set off a bomb

ronicaaa: operative word being almost

bicon: ok well the squip was worse than me bc next it decided to make jeremy help it take over the world

whyamievenheere: but then it was all ok bc we figured out that mountain dew red deactivates the squips

gothy-teen: who's we

micheal_sMells: me and jeremy

whyamievenheere: anyway we saved the day the end

space_alien: i think our story was better

ronicaaa: bro yours didn't have any death or fire or microchips that's so boring

Massive_Deal: But I got hit by a bus!!

ronicaaa: and i killed people sit down bitch

ronicaaa: oh shit y'all distracted me and i just dropped a whole tray of nachos in the ovennnn

macaroni: noooooooooo

macaroni: i left the room for two seconds ronnie!!!!

ronicaaa: ikkkk i'm sorry

ronicaaa: i forgot the beans anyway tho

space_alien: WHAT


space_alien: i can't believe we're related

ronicaaa: apparently the oven's broken now

macaroni: oh good lord i'll order takeout

gspot: guys

gspot: my phone looks like the light speed graphic in star wars

toogaytofunction: uhh what

caclulust: the hell does that mean

gspot: omg i'm surrounded by uncultured swine

gspot: why can't y'all be like me

duck: sorry we're not all nerds

duck: what's wrong with your phone screen

gspot: i dropped my phone like a bunch of times and now it's just like weird

kiNkY: guess what y'all!!!

gspot: what

kiNkY: i just failed my drivers license test for like the third time


gothy-teen: that's v unfortunate

theatre_nerd: jared how

kiNkY: i literally have no idea

kiNkY: i actually studied so much more than you idiots

kiNkY: i almost passed this time too

toogaytofunction: jared oh nooo

space_alien: bro if jared can't pass his test how am i supposed to pass mine!! i haven't studied at all!!

Massive_Deal: you're almost eighteen how have you not taken it yet

space_alien: idk i was just lazy

calculust: wait jan

calculust: do you have your permit

space_alien: yeah

calculust: ok good than it's only partially illegal for you to drive me around

kiNkY: ok but everyone else barely studied and passed so clearly i'm just cursed

wannahang: maybe it's better not to study

calculust: ummm i don't think that's quite what he meant

space_alien: #solutions

calculust: oh jared what have you done

space_alien: wait should i study or not

gothy-teen: wait isn't it just driving around??

calculust: noo there's a written test too

gothy-teen: oh fuck i'm screwed

Jakey-D: just do a bunch of practice tests

kiNkY: see but that's what i did the first time and i failed

kiNkY: although the second time i only studied the manual and i also failed so maybe don't listen to me

kiNkY: like i said

kiNkY: i'm cursed

checkers: go to a psychic or something

gothy-teen: or go to my stepmom

gothy-teen: she's technically a therapist

gothy-teen: although only in the very very bare sense of the word

kiNkY: yeah imma just study the manual

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:58 pm

ronicaaa: screenshot.jpg

ronicaaa: just some cousinly love

ronicaaa: janis is staying with me btw

ronicaaa: for context's sake

macaroni: wait wait it wont load what does it say

space_alien: hang on i will copy and paste

space_alien: Warning! Dangerous arsonist on the loose!! Name: Veronica Sawyer. Crimes: suspected and found guilty in the infamous Nacho Case. Now wanted currently for LEAVING A FREAKING CANDLE BURNING IN ROOM BEFORE LEAVING FOR THE GROCERY STORE. Last known location: Target. Wearing: blue dress and smug "oops" smile. If you see this girl please notify the authorities immediately. She is a danger to herself and society! Don't let this reckless criminal get away!!

toogaytofunction: what's the infamous nacho case lmao

ronicaaa: oh no everyone is turning on me

space_alien: damian we just were discussing this the other day!! shame

ronicaaa: i dropped a whole tray of nachos in the oven and they all burned and it was horrible and now we can't use our oven

toogaytofunction: oh righttt

ronicaaa: which is why takeout is now our only source of sustenance

ronicaaa: anyway

ronicaaa: we should do another cutest couples contest

space_alien: i thought we decided that you people couldn't possibly compete w me and caddy

toogaytofunction: incorrect we decided it wasn't a competition

space_alien: did we? that's dumb

ronicaaa: agreed

ronicaaa: which is why we should let the tiger people and the chill people compete

macaroni: the who and the what now??

ronicaaa: cairo and those people and jeremy and those people

ronicaaa: that's what i call them

ronicaaa: bc there's the tigers cheer squad

ronicaaa: and then i didn't have a name for jeremy and everyone so they're just chill

ronicaaa: although after learning about how they all got took over by robots i might need to revise that narrative

ronicaaa: but anyway

ronicaaa: jeremy you're up

whyamievenheere: i have no idea what's going on

ronicaaa: just say why you love micheal

whyamievenheere: oh ok

whyamievenheere: he's my best friend and he always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better when i'm upset, and he's just always such a comforting presence in my life

micheal_sMells: awww thanks babe

micheal_sMells: i mean i feel all the same things about you

whyamievenheere: <333

ronicaaa: boring

ronicaaa: next

macaroni: ronnie!!!!

ronicaaa: sorry i was joking

ronicaaa: next

wannaride: okey well chloe is literally the best person ever so that's cool

wannahang: that's true she's not lying

wannaride: also she makes me feel all warm and fuzzy which i didn't think were things i could feel

wannahang: it's true she used to be a bitch

wannaride: babe i'm trying to be nice!!

wannahang: right sorry

wannahang: i'll fix it

wannahang: brooke is really fuckin hot

wannaride: accurate

wannahang: alsoooo she's my favorite person and she's my best friend and i swear she can read my mind sometimes because she always says exactly what i'm thinking when i'm not brave enough to

wannaride: aw baby i love you

wannahang: i love you too <333

ronicaaa: charming. tiger squad??

anythingbutwallflower: annleigh is literally the sweetest human being ever which annoyed me at first but now i'm so so grateful for her because she makes me feel safe in a way that no one ever has before

Horse_Gorl: and cairo reminds me to stand up for myself which i forget to do sometimes <333

anythingbutwallflower: <333

ronicaaa: cute. next

shut_up_and_queer: kate is so funny and secretly very nice but shhh she doesn't want me to say that oh whoopsy i just did hahah sorry katie

themeanone: >:-(((

shut_up_and_queer: but i love you tho

themeanone: :-)))

themeanone: see that's why eva's perfect

themeanone: she makes me happy

themeanone: and it kinda takes a lot to make me happy

checkers: running list of things that make kate happy, for reference: eva, grilled cheese, making fun of cairo, making fun of annleigh, dogs, gay shit, loud screamy music that will kill her eardrums, cookies, writing sarcastic text messages screenshotting than deleting and typing something super nice instead

themeanone: very helpful chess thanks

checkers: no problem

checkers: anyway i like farrah because she's dead and im dead and it just sorta makes sense

hopelesslosergorl: thats what i was gonna say!!

checkers: lmaooo no but actually i love farrah because she understands me so well and makes me laugh

hopelesslosergorl: oh yeah that too

clarky-boy: i am all alone :-)

Massive_Deal: Me too :-)

calculust: actuallyyyy

Massive_Deal: ???

calculust: nvm i'm not supposed to say

space_alien: ohhh caddy is this about the thing

calculust: yessss but shhhh

discoball: cady nooo we agreed

Massive_Deal: What is going on?

SexyMouse: just tell her gretch

discoball: fineeeee

discoball: sooo ginaaaa

Massive_Deal: ...Gretchen?

discoball: yknow how karen and i are dating

Massive_Deal: Yes...

discoball: wellll turns out we're both in love with you

Massive_Deal: Come again?

discoball: yeahhh

Massive_Deal: So you're breaking up??

SexyMouse: nooo

discoball: bc we also love each other

Massive_Deal: Oh. Oh. I get it.

SexyMouse: wana daet us??

Massive_Deal: I think...

Massive_Deal: Yes???

calculust: kinda worried about the amount of question marks

Massive_Deal: Yes. Yes yes yes.

discoball: yay!!!!!

ronicaaa: ugh i just wanted a competition not a bunch of gooey shit

macaroni: babe

macaroni: babe

macaroni: babe

ronicaaa: wot

macaroni: i love you

ronicaaa: ...

ronicaaa: okey maybe the gooey shit isn't so bad

space_alien: hypocrite

ronicaaa: bitch

space_alien: criminal

ronicaaa: yeah that's fair

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:03 pm

kiNkY: what would you guys say if i told you i failed my drivers test again lmaoooooo

Tree_Boy: JARED

bicon: come on man

hopelesslosergorl: lmao that's so sad

kiNkY: jesus christ kinda harsh

kiNkY: ig its a good thing i passed then huh

space_alien: ok for the record i saw that coming

Massive_Deal: Oh shut up you did not

kiNkY: "congrats jared! we're so proud of you jared! we knew you could do it jared!"

space_alien: jared you don't want us to lie to you do you

kiNkY: meanie


toogaytofunction: OMG WHICH HALLWAY

gspot: right outside the science classrooms

gspot: and mr duvall is trying to remove it but it's covered in lube and he's resorted to just. hugging it. to try to get it unstuck

space_alien: oh yeah i already have photos of that

gspot: wait you're not even in this hallway

space_alien: i know a guy

calculust: it's me i'm the guy

gothy-teen: eh that's nothing someone once released 15 chickens into my school at 11pm

kiNkY: ... was it you

gothy-teen: yeah

duck: at westerburg the english and history classrooms are exactly one story apart so the teachers would pass stuff down through the windows to each other

anythingbutwallflower: omg legendary

anythingbutwallflower: the only interesting school story i have is that a kid flipped her desk once when i told her that 10 squared was 100 not 20

anythingbutwallflower: ok it was riley

shut_up_and_queer: oh my middle school was quite interesting

space_alien: omg please expand

shut_up_and_queer: the highlights: girls got called sluts for wearing crop tops, one of our teachers called us all little bitches once which was a fair assessment but not v professional of her, the principal once decided that two kids in our class were dating and sexually active even though they were eleven and barely liked each other and gave them a whole speech about abstinence, the teachers would constantly call other schools and try to get their students suspended bc they were involved in some sort of drama with one of our students, and also this goes with the slut shaming thing but every time a teacher was absent and they couldn't find a sub they'd just throw us in with the pe class which meant that girls were constantly getting screamed at for wearing skirts and "inappropriate shoes" to a pe class they hadn't even known they'd be attending

shut_up_and_queer: oh there was also the heart debacle where we got screamed at for an entire class period over "graffiti" that turned out to be a 1'' heart drawn on the bathroom wall in lipgloss, which the teachers attempted to punish the perpetrator for by forcing her to stay and help the custodian clean after school even though by then someone had wiped the heart away, which they ALSO got mad about because they "wanted to further examine the evidence"

shut_up_and_queer: those are the most interesting stories

themeanone: hey babe??

shut_up_and_queer: yes?

themeanone: what the actual FUCK

macaroni: damn i was gonna say that there's a family of ducks that nests in the courtyard at westerburg that has to be herded out through the school in a parade but now that feels kinda anticlimatic


ronicaaa: shame

shut_up_and_queer: yeah mac that's so much better than any of my stories

macaroni: y'all have a very skewed concept of... everything

space_alien: everything??

macaroni: shut up i couldn't think of the word

toogaytofunction: i mean. it's a fair assessment

shut_up_and_queer: just like how that teacher was right about all us eleven year olds being little bitches!!

shut_up_and_queer: on an entirely unrelated note do any of y'all know of a good cheap therapist

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:38 pm

gothy-teen: important query for y'all

discoball: yessss

gothy-teen: should i a., watch squid game, or b., do my homework

wannahang: ewww don't watch squid game it's so bad

wannaride: worse than homework??

wannahang: YES

gothy-teen: well i've already watched the first episode

gothy-teen: i kinda liked it

Massive_Deal: I think it's really good

discoball: me too! it's a good commentary

wannahang: yeah yeah it's all very heady or whatever if you think about it but it's so VIOLENT

gothy-teen: meh

gothy-teen: i don't really mind

ronicaaa: i mean you've only seen the first episode tho

ronicaaa: it gets more and more bloody

gothy-teen: okayyyyy well that makes me a wee bit afraid

literal_demon: omggg i love that show

literal_demon: there's so much blood everywhere all the time

calculust: ok, that was unecessary

literal_demon: you're unecessary

gothy-teen: bj be nice to cady she's doing my math hw

space_alien: she is??

calculust: no i'm tutoring her

gothy-teen: same difference

calculust: excepty Not Really At All though

gothy-teen: right right

calculust: anyway don't watch squid game it gave me nightmares

a-aron: everything gives you nightmares

calculust: oh shut up aaron you had no right to call me out so accurately

a-aron: sorry

gothy-teen: guyssss i need more opinions

gothy-teen: hw or squid game

SexyMouse: hw!!

Massive_Deal: Squid Game!!

whyamievenheere: yeh squid game

micheal_sMells: incorrect do your homework like a good citizen

gothy-teen: ew i don't wanna be a good citizen squid game wins

calculust: can't you just watch some nice little sitcom or something

gothy-teen: noooo boring

literal_demon: boring??? i watched you watch all of how i met your mother in the span of a week

literal_demon: THATS 208 EPISODES LYDIA

gothy-teen: right which is why i need something radically different

gothy-teen: so i can grieve properly

ronicaaa: that doesn't even make sense

gothy-teen: the ending of himym was terrible so it doesn't deserve my emotions

gothy-teen: therefore i am moving on as quickly and dramatically as possible

wannaride: i do get that actually

wannahang: i mean i mostly just agree with the part about the ending of himym but yeah


gothy-teen: sorry wait don't respond i can't talk about it bc that would be acknowledging it's existence and it doesn't deserve it

gothy-teen: moving on

calculust: this... seems unhealthy

a-aron: i mean it is just a show

gothy-teen: A TERRIBLE SHOW

gothy-teen: sorry sorry nevermind

literal_demon: dw guys she's definitely gonna be ranting about it in detail within a week

calculust: i look forward to it

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:59 pm

gothy-teen: guys guys guys

calculust: lydia lydia lydia

gothy-teen: spoooookyyyy stories

space_alien: omgggg it's halloween tomorrow

gothy-teen: actually it's halloween in one minute

literal_demon: is that why you woke us all up

gothy-teen: were any of you actually asleep

literal_demon: touche my friend

checkers: lydia you're surrounded by ghosts what more do you want

gothy-teen: omg chess just... okay??? just... okay???

checkers: ok ok geez

Jakey-D: once i saw this super pale lady sitting in my attic doing her knitting

gothy-teen: you have an attic?? spooky

shut_up_and_queer: how is that what you took away from it

gothy-teen: some lady knitting?? boring

gothy-teen: next

literal_demon: wellllll

gothy-teen: not you bj i've heard all yours

literal_demon: but lydiaaaaaa

gothy-teen: NEXT

Massive_Deal: My old house used to be haunted.

gothy-teen: that's what i'm talking about tell us everything

Massive_Deal: Every night when I'd go to bed, I'd feel this presence in my room. I sleep facing the wall, and I'd be super scared to turn around, but I swear I knew for sure there was someone there, and it wasn't one of my family members. One night, I decided being scared was for dumbasses so I turned around. And I was right; there was someone there, but they disappeared before I could get a good look. I guess it's possible that I imagined the whole thing, but since we know ghosts are real, so I think it was.

gothy-teen: omg i love it

gothy-teen: do you have any idea who or what the ghosty could have been

Massive_Deal: Like I said, I didn't get a good look. But I thought I saw a little girl, maybe ten years old? The presence never felt threatening, really, I was just scared at the thought of a ghost being in my room, so it sort of makes sense. I never saw her or felt the presence again.

discoball: maybe she was just as scared as you were

Massive_Deal: I mean she should have been, I was a terror when we lived there.

space_alien: yeah she was

Massive_Deal: Always thankful for the input, Janis.

space_alien: happy to be of service

Massive_Deal: I was being sarcastic.

space_alien: i'm well aware bestie <33

gothy-teen: okay next


gothy-teen: nahhhh

macaroni: there's this one ghost who sits in the tree outside my window

ronicaaa: the tree i climb up??

macaroni: yeah but he doesn't like you

ronicaaa: well that can't be right everyone likes me

macaroni: not frederick

checkers: wait so you've talked to him

macaroni: nah he doesn't like me either

macaroni: i just made up my own backstory for him

macaroni: he's like twenty i think

gothy-teen: why are all your guys' ghosts so young

literal_demon: i'm not young!! i'm centuries old!!! let me tell stories!!!

gothy-teen: one time first time every time bj

gothy-teen: next

idiot: oh let the poor guy share his stories

gothy-teen: oh good lord

gothy-teen: FINE

literal_demon: OMG ok so there was this whole team of football players whos bus crashed and now they all haunt their high school and taunt all of their classmates from beyond (no idk how they made it out of the netherworld) and then there's this one dude who shrinks people's heads if they annoy him and then also also also there's all these people in the netherworld that used to be puritans like a longggg time ago but the newlydeads keep updating them on everything that's been happening in the twenty-first century and all the puritans are all like "bro you guys have so much more fun than we did" so there's all these dead millenials and the occasional gen z people that teach the puritans how to do tik tok trends and use slang and generally not be insufferable dickheads they were in life and it's fuckin hilarious

space_alien: wait seriously that's incredible

hopelesslosergorl: bro how did we mis that whn we were in thr nethewworld

literal_demon: it all happens in underground bars n shit

literal_demon: only some ppl find it

literal_demon: everyone else either sits there and wastes away or figures out a way out

literal_demon: that's why you see so many more young ghosts

hopelesslosergorl: bc old ppl are stuopid??

literal_demon: i mean i wasn't gonna say it like that

gothy-teen: what were you gonna say

literal_demon: that gen z have a habit of rejecting any rules put in front of them and that oldsters are less resourceful and more likely to comply

space_alien: omg so the whole thing is a test

literal_demon: no it's just a poorly designed afterlife

space_alien: oh that's dumb

space_alien: let's just pretend its all a clever test like in the good place

literal_demon: yes much better

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:44 pm

toogaytofunction: !!! important question!!!

lesbean: ???

toogaytofunction: it has come to my attention that aaron has never heard of the road to el dorado and i need to see if anyone else doesn't know what it is

alyssa_greeene: the who in the what now

Tree_Boy: i've never heard of that either

toogaytofunction: WHAT

Tree_Boy: ok you know what

Tree_Boy: it is not my fault that all i ever do is sit and read my books and think about fictional people and never bother to consume any other entertainment

idiot: that kinda sounds like it's your fault babe

lesbean: wait ok whats the road to el dorado


space_alien: yeah no one has heard of that

a-aron: i feel vindicated

calculust: yeah we gotchu aaron

toogaytofunction: ok but not really because janis has watched it with me at least once

space_alien: i have???

space_alien: is that the one with the creepy rat???



gothy-teen: it sounds like a rly weird movie ngl

a-aron: yeah sorry babe you're just like weird ig

toogaytofunction: oh my god just look at the poster ok 

toogaytofunction: roadtoeldorado.jpg

calculust: that looks exactly like the tangled poster

Tree_Boy: omg it doessss

toogaytofunction: oh shut up it does not

idiot: except it's like a dude and there's?? and armadillo???

lesbean: yeah what is that thing

toogaytofunction: an armadillo!!!

alyssa_greeene: an armadillo instead of a chameleon?? what a ripoff

space_alien: omg pascal!!!

space_alien: not as good as bartok

yalikejazz?: bartok??

space_alien: that little bat dude!! bartok the magnificent!! the movie about the bad and the dude who's decaying and the russian tsar

toogaytofuntion: ok i feel attacked

toogaytofuntion: el dorado is so much better than tangled or bartok or whatever the fuck

space_alien: oh wait actually i think the movies called anastasia

gothy-teen: wait that one blond guy in the el dorado thing looks like disney hercules

toogaytofunction: WHAT

toogaytofunction: NO

toogaytofunction: THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE



toogaytofunction: you're telling me this: hercules.jpg

toogaytofunction: looks like this: eldorado.jpg

gothy-teen: ok well the hercules in my mind looks wayyy different

toogaytofunction: that is so not an excuse

gothy-teen: you're not an excuse!!

gothy-teen: actually you are

gothy-teen: a poor excuse for a human

gothy-teen: saved it

literal_demon: nope

chandelier: guys i need something good to watch

toogaytofunction: the road to el dorado!!

chandelier: the tangled ripoff?? no thanks

space_alien: squid game

chandelier: janis don't even with me

gothy-teen: have you seen zodiac??

chandelier: like the zodiac killer zodiac?

duck: heather would hate that

chandelier: yeah lydia i can't watch anything about serial killers!!

idiot: what?? heather loves murder

chanderlier: MURDER

chandelier: not serial killers

chandelier: murder is understandable

chandelier: insanity is not

macaroni: murder is understandable???

Tree_Boy: watch the perks of being a wallflower

chandelier: already watched

Tree_Boy: omg great movie right

chandelier: no it was boring and everyone was weird

Tree_Boy: WHAT 

ronicaaa: you could watch this cool movie about a girl who decides she should probably write her essay before tonight so she can actually have fun at her best friend's party i heard that's a good one4

chandelier: omg this again

checkers: ???

chandelier: i haven't started this big essay we have due in like two days and ronnie keeps yelling at me about it

tallestdwarf: what esay??

ronicaaa: oh my good gracious you people are such slackers

macaroni: good to know i'm ahead of some people

macaroni: ronnie you'll be proud i only have one and a half more paragraphs to go

ronicaaa: nice

ronicaaa: but also i finished mine two days ago. so.

duck: i haven't started my essay either

chandelier: HURRAY

idiot: i mean i think we all kinda figured if heather was slacking then heather was DEFINITELY slacking

duck: wait do you mean heather or heather

idiot: yep

chandelier: yes yes yes i'm not the worst!!

ronicaaa: heatherrrrr you better get it done before the party

ronicaaa: i believe in you

chandelier: ummm i was planning on starting in after the party

calculust: HEATHER NO

duck: yes that sounds like a fantastic plan

ronicaaa: but i don't want u to get stressed out during it!!

chandelier: you know what ronnie you make a good point

chandelier: i have to start giving a shit about school!!

a-aron: yes that's the spirit

chandelier: i will write the first paragraph on the way to the party



ronicaaa: oh why do i bother she's just gonna do what she wants anyway


Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:03 am

gothy-teen: !!! important!! announcement!! right now!!!!

bicon: whatttt

gothy-teen: the cheer people need to show us pictures

gothy-teen: because they didn't before

space_alien: why did this like. just occur to you

gothy-teen: idk man!! it's one am!!

shut_up_and_cheer: what on earth are you people on about

space_alien: well one time we all embarrassed each other by sharing pics with the groupchat

macaroni: ok no janis that wasn't the intention

space_alien: why the fuck not


gothy-teen: i mean yeah

Horse_Gorl: but

Horse_Gorl: shouldn't

gothy-teen: oh shut up jake peralta

Horse_Gorl: what

gothy-teen: was that... not a b99 reference

Horse_Gorl: i mean it was if you want it to have been?

gothy-teen: good enough

gothy-teen: now lemme see the face

themeanone: waaaait i have such a good one



clarky-boy: kate whyyyy

themeanone: it's funny

themeanone: that's clark btw y'all

toogaytofunction: yep got that

macaroni: it's not a bad picture tbh

themeanone: but it's funny

themeanone: but there's more


hopelesslosergorl: bahaha what a legend

checkers: farrah honey you know that's you right

hopelesslosergorl: yeh thats why i siad it

checkers: right of course

themeanone: dammit ok i'll find another one


themeanone: tis reese

toogaytofunction: kate these all just look like unfortunate pauses on a grainy bootleg


checkers: you're really trying to live up to your user huh kate

themeanone: yep!!


themeanone: well that's just unnecessary

macaroni: i'm assuming that's kate

themeanone: yes and you didn't have to fucking caption it!!

checkers: it was funnier in context

gothy-teen: what was the context

checkers: i don't remember

checkers: but here's one of eva

shut_up_and_queer: you wanna know something

checkers: yes

shut_up_and_queer: that is precisely what i was thinking in that moment

checkers: whaddya know guys i have talent

anythingbutwallflower: i'm gonna get ahead of this and share mine now


Horse_Gorl: for the record she's looking at moi

Horse_Gorl: dis is me

anythingbutwallflower: aw cute

hopelesslosergorl: ha look at those nerds

themeanone: *high fives*


it'stheLittlethings: hello!!

themeanone: ok i made a thing for chess since they are so LIBERAL with her captions


checkers: hehe that's funny


space_alien: this convo is my favorite thing that has ever happened

calculust: rude

calculust: we agreed that nothing would ever top regina george being hit by a bus

Massive_Deal: Hey!!!

calculust: sorry gina

themeanone: by god

themeanone: i've got it

themeanone: the single best photo that will humiliate you ALL

themeanone: wait fuck i can't find it

macaroni: well that was anticlimactic

space_alien: it's ok just try to picture it

themeanone: yeah do that it'll totally humiliate everyone

anythingbutwallflower: kate... what

themeanone: use your imaginations!! it's better than the photo anyway

space_alien: hahahahha it really is i'm picturing it rn

checkers: maybe that was kate's plan all along

themeanone: yep definitely hahah definitely didn't delete it by accident

gothy-teen: or what if,,, there never was any photo

space_alien: omgggg

macaroni: that's genius kate

themeanone: ... no there was a picture

anythingbutwallflower: dammit kate you ruin everything


bicon: i don't think any of us know either

calculust: we want something from you?

gothy-teen: you guys know stuff???

Massive_Deal: Sometimes I wonder what it's like to know people that don't all share one singular braincell.

chandelier: who has it now??

Massive_Deal: I... couldn't tell you.

space_alien: the braincell?? nah man that thing escaped a while ago

gothy-teen: we're just running on fumes here

discoball: you might have to donate some of yours gina

Massive_Deal: There aren't enough braincells in the WORLD to fill all of these empty heads

hopelesslosergorl: but were all having more fun thn you so theres that

Massive_Deal: Ignorance is bliss??

hopelesslosergorl: dont ask me man idk what wither of those words mean

Massive_Deal: I rest my case.

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 7:01 pm

duck: guys yknow what's the best

theatre-nerd: porque?

bicon: christy bestie i'm pretty sure that means why

theatre-nerd: does it? i take french man idk

anythingbutwallflower: as you should

anythingbutwallflower: spanish is dumb

bicon: you're dumb!!!

duck: guys focus up

ronicaaa: what is the best heather

duck: pickled popcorn


idiot: zoe's so excited she's become incoherent

calculust: i'm sorry???

calculust: pickled???? popcorn??? help

duck: yeah it's so good

calculust: janis you said you'd told me about every weird american thing you could think of

space_alien: idk what to tell you babe i have never heard of this shit in my life

Tree_Boy: ok listen

Tree_Boy: it's oddly tasty

a-aron: ok but how about pickle and peanut butter sandwiches

calculust: wh- what

a-aron: it's good!!!!!!

calculust: janis hold me i'm scared

space_alien: i gotchu babe i'll protect you from the scary pickle ex-boyfriend

a-aron: hey!!!

toogaytofunction: sorry aaron i'm gonna have to agree with cady and janis on this

a-aron: ok but none of you have TRIED IT

bicon: i gotta say man that doesn't sound like something anyone in their right mind would think to try

duck: yeah valid

a-aron: ok PICKLED POPCORN you don't get to talk

duck: well surely if you like pickles and peanut butter pickled popcorn isn't such a reach

a-aron: does the popcorn also have cheese on it?? bc that would not be good



a-aron: you people are so judgy sometimes smh

calculust: we're judgy when we have to be!!

theatre-nerd: wait wait i'm looking at a buzzfeed list of weird food combos and pickles and peanut butter is like the first thing

a-aron: as it should be!!!!

theatre-nerd: no

theatre-nerd: anyway it says salami and grapes which actually makes sense to me

yalikejazz?: yeah i can get behind that

Tree_Boy: same

idiot: moi aussi

theatre-nerd: what language is that

idiot: FRENCH


theatre-nerd: well when i say "take" i mean i sleep on my desk while the teacher rambles about irregular verbs

idiot: but surely at this point you at least know that moi aussi means me too

idiot: like that's the first thing you learn

theatre-nerd: connor sweetie

theatre-nerd: i have never once paid attention in french

theatre-nerd: idk what's not clicking 

theatre-nerd: speaking of french, one of the things on the list is chocolate on pizza

bicon: pizza is italian you fucking fuck

theatre-nerd: i JUST SAID i don't pay attention in french


idiot: yeah its very common knowledge

theatre-nerd: are you TRYING to make me look stupid???

whyamievenheere: you're doing fine on your own tbh

theatre-nerd: i hate you guys

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:08 pm

space_alien: happy black friday everyone

themeanone: lmao i like how you didn't wish us a happy thanksgiving but you wish us happy black friday

space_alien: well black friday is a day of god-like savings and discounts and shit, thanksgiving is just a lie

space_alien: so. happy black friday

Massive_Deal: Well...

space_alien: what do you want reginald

Massive_Deal: It's just, one could argue that Black Friday is a pillar of capitalistic oppurtunity that rivals any other holiday

space_alien: ....

space_alien: fuck you reginald

macaroni: janis that's not very nice

space_alien: she ruined. black. friday.

Massive_Deal: Black Friday ruined itself

discoball: she makes a fair argument

space_alien: I KNOW THAT'S WHY I HATE IT

calculust: deep breaths babe deep breaths

yalikejazz?: alana has a specialized rant for every holiday

themeanone: omg fantastic

themeanone: can we hear them

Alana_Beck: You can hear my Thanksgiving and Black Friday ones, but I think Janis and Regina have already summed them up.

themeanone: what about like the christmas one then

Alana_Beck: Well it's not Christmas, is it, Kate.

themeanone: but i wanna hear the rantttt

Alana_Beck: If you can stand to wait a month, you can hear the Christmas one, but there's no point in having a special rant for every holiday if I tell you the rant on any old day.

discoball: she makes a decent point

themeanone: oh stop saying that gretchen

discoball: i'm just tryna give credit where credit is due!!

Alana_Beck: If it will make you feel any better, I'll give you the extended Thanksgiving and Black Friday ones.

themeanone: YES YES YES

themeanone: except, oh wait!

themeanone: it's not thanksgiving anymore, is it, alana

Alana_Beck: This is true. I'll have to skip that one till next year, then.


space_alien: ha that really backfired on you huh kate

themeanone: SHUT UP JANIS

macaroni: that's not very nice kate

themeanone: you're not very nice!!!

macaroni: well that's just a lie

Alana_Beck: Just like Thanksgiving!!

themeanone: yesss continue

Alana_Beck: Thanksgiving perpetuates a rosy-eyed version of history that glorifies the people who stole from, kidnapped, and murdered the Native Americans. While some of the story of the first Thanksgiving is technically true, it tends to gloss over the fact that the Pilgrims utterly took advantage of the Native American tribes.

themeanone: yesss we got one

themeanone: now onto black friday

Alana_Beck: Black Friday, while great in the moment, hypes up capitalism and all it entails. We wouldn't be so desperate for Black Friday sales if the normal pricing of things wasn't so crushing.

yalikejazz?: isn't she great folks

calculust: ok my question though is do you have any rants for things like chanukah?

Alana_Beck: I think enough old white Christian men have ranted about chanukah and other Jewish, Muslim, etc., holidays, don't you? Don't really want to be adding to that mix.

discoball: wise choice

Alana_Beck: Tune in next month for Alana's Problems With Christmas as a Commercialized Holiday

yalikejazz?: god i love you

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:34 pm


shut_up_and_queer: it's 2:30 why would we be asleep

captainoftheteam: oh eva time isn't real

shut_up_and_queer: oh right obviously

wannahang: what's the question

captainoftheteam: ok

captainoftheteam: mayo

captainoftheteam: thoughts

Horse_Gorl: omg reese are we still on this



lesbean: wait wait wait did you just call reese a bench

hopelesslosergorl: yehd annaleee deosnt like to swear so she just casully switches swears out for good place swears

Horse_Gorl: love how badly you just butchered my name

hopelesslosergorl: it's not my fauelt you spel it like a pick me gorl

Horse_Gorl: that's the meanest thing you could possibly have said to me

hopelesslosergorl: i try

wannaride: on another note is farrah aware that "gorl" is not actually like,,, a word

hopelesslosergorl: yedh but its more fun


shut_up_and_queer: wow what an epically agressive and belated take

space_alien: sorry i was napping

captainoftheteam: seeeee annleigh i told you

calculust: janis you're supposed to be in math class

space_alien: who said i wasnt

space_alien: i was taking a nap

space_alien: in math class

space_alien: what's not clicking babe

calculust: sometimes i delude myself into believing you care about school is all

space_alien: yeah that sounds like a you problem

calculust: also idk why everyone's so stressed about mayo

calculust: like it's fine

calculust: i have no thoughts about mayo

space_alien: well you should because that shit is disgusting

calculust: ok i am not disagreeing with you per se it's just. is this the hill you wanna die on.

space_alien: fuck yeah

calculust: well i tried

themeanone: mayos so good though you guys!!!


space_alien: IT IS LITERAL SLIME


macaroni: HEY



shut_up_and_queer: are you the some of us

macaroni: yes and i will cry if there's too much conflict

macaroni: omg i forgot to tell you guys!! i have a cold

wannaride: uhhh congrats

macaroni: nonono you don't understand

macaroni: i have a cold bc i cried three times in two days

macaroni: i self-congested!!!!

space_alien: uhh veronica is she ok

ronicaaa: idk she seems v positive about it 

macaroni: i am so powerful!!! i literally gave myself a cold by choice!!

duck: not sure crying counts as a choice

calculust: also why do you want a cold???

macaroni: it's not about the cold it's about the fact that i can control it

wannaride: can you control when it goes away

macaroni: well no

wannaride: so basically you're just sick

macaroni: but i brought it on myself!!!

ronicaaa: ok but why did you cry so much

macaroni: well once was bc i broke a mug, once was bc my hand hurt from where the mug shards cut me, and once was bc i got a nosebleed from crying over the cut

yalikejazz?: mac it kinda sounds like you're on the brink of collapse

macaroni: all high school students are on the brink of collapse

macaroni: but not all are powerful enough to make themselves sick!!!

space_alien: yep it's just you and cameron from ferris bueller's day off

macaroni: you know what janis i know you're trying to hurt me but i am accepting that as a compliment and you are only making me stronger

space_alien: good god she is powerful

Chapter Text

hey all!

today is the one year anniversary of the ultimate groupchat, so i just wanted to pop on here and say thank you. in the past year, this fic has reached a total of 6323 hits, 274 kudos, and so so many comments. pardon my french, but that’s fucking insane. i’m so happy that you guys enjoy my silly little fic, because i love writing it. fanfiction started out for me as a way of practicing new scenarios in my writing and testing different techniques, but it’s become so much more than that for me. so i’d like to say thanks to anyone who’s ever left a comment or kudos on any of my works, it means a lot that you guys support my writing. here’s to many more chapters to come!!

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:06 am

discoball: guys breaking news

gothy-teen: what what what

discoball: regina george is tangled in the christmas lights

space_alien: oh my god

space_alien: oh my god

space_alien: oh my god

space_alien: gretchen if you don't send pictures immediately i will hate you forever

discoball: shesanangryelf.png

space_alien: my new wallpaper

discoball: she's yelling at me not to send it lmaoooo

discoball: if only she could reach her phone

gothy-teen: regina all tangled and huffy on the floor under a tree is my spirit animal

wannaride: she IS huffy omg

discoball: uh oh

discoball: bad news folks

space_alien: don't say it

discoball: karen had to be all NICE

space_alien: noooo gretchen noooo

discoball: and she untangled her

space_alien: NO NO NO

discoball: and now i am hiding so that reggie doesn't murder me


it'stheLittlethings: don't you mean swear TO god??

Massive_Deal: No.

it'stheLittlethings: damn ok

discoball: in case i am murdered by my gf in the next few minutes i'd just like to put it on the record that as a jewish person, seeing regina defeated by the christmas lights has made me love christmas with every fiber of my being


discoball: eek i'm gonna die

Sexy-Mouse: yyou guys are wo wierd

discoball: hey you chose us

Sexy-Mouse: yeah ur pretty :-))

anythingbutwallflower: what i want to know is what that ornament above regina's head in the photo is supposed to be

space_alien: oh it's a dildo

space_alien: i got it for her last year specifically so i could get this photo

space_alien: herface.jpg

Massive_Deal: Not you too!!!

space_alien: honestly though i feel kinda outdone by gretch, might have to exchange this year's gift for something even better


space_alien: well if i told you i would go on the naughty list now wouldn't i

calculust: i think you're on the naughty list anyway babe

space_alien: maybe with you

toogaytofunction: oh dear god janis why must you ruin everything

space_alien: well veronica decorated the ugliest fucking tree i've ever seen for christmas this year so my title is in jeopardy

calculust: oh my god i thought you guys settled that already

ronicaaa: we've "settled" plenty of arguments in our day

ronicaaa: doesn't mean they don't come up again around the holidays

ronicaaa: and by the way i wasn't TRYING to make herald ugly it just sort of happened

wannahang: it- it has a name

wannaride: and the name is HERALD?????

ronicaaa: well would you prefer i call him hark??

discoball: i don't get it

space_alien: like the song

space_alien: hark the herald angels sing

space_alien: except clearly she's got it wrong because no angel will ever smile on that tree

space_alien: it is straight from the depths of hell

space_alien: helltree.jpg

calculust: oh janis just because she used red lights doesn't mean its possessed

space_alien: i never said it was posessed tho

space_alien: you made that inference all on your own

space_alien: look at it caddy

space_alien: look at it and say to my face that it doesn't spark age-old terror

ronicaaa: goddamn maybe i should be proud of this thing

space_alien: damn straight you should that's what i've been saying

discoball: it is???

space_alien: hell yeah

space_alien: our grandma's gonna have an aneurysm when she sees it

space_alien: best christmas ever

ronicaaa: damn cady your gf is kinda insane

calculust: she's your cousin!!

ronicaaa: i'm not taking responsibility!!! she's your problem now


discoball: you know what else is a problem?? regina found me

wannahang: oh boy here we go

wannahang: brooke get the popcorn

Sexy-Mouse: i fuond both of them!!

gothy-teen: is gretchen dead yet

Sexy-Mouse: no theyre makign out :-))

space_alien: oh boring

ronicaaa: you're boring!!!

space_alien: said the woman who made a devil tree

gothy-teen: janis i think a devil tree is the opposite of boring

space_alien: just let me have this lydia

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:03 pm

gothy-teen: guys


The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:48 pm

gothy-teen: guys i wish to converse with you

toogaytofunction: oh shit right

toogaytofunction: i was gonna respond but then i got distracted

gothy-teen: i figured as much, teenagers are very easily distracted, especially by shiny objects

toogaytofunction: there's a shiny object???

checkers: lydia you sound like jane goodall writing notes on her observations of chimps

space_alien: omg that is spot on

Massive_Deal: Except that Lydia is a teenager and Jane Goodall was not, in fact, a fucking chimpanzee

hopelesslosergorl: how do u knw

Massive_Deal: Wh- hh- how do I know???

hopelesslosergorl: yeh hor do you know lydisa a tenager

Massive_Deal: Ohhhh

shut_up_and_queer: oh my god i thought she meant how do you know that jane goodall wasn't a chimpanzee and i was SO CONCERNED

hopelesslosergorl: eva youre always concerned

shut_up_and_queer: someone has to be

calculust: you're doing god's work bestie

gothy-teen: ok but can we get back to the fact that farrah apparently thinks i'm some old dude sitting in a basement or something

hopelesslosergorl: nooo that's betelgudjse

literal_demon: what

hopelesslosergorl: no shush im not done

hopelesslosergorl: i meanr thtat lydia could be lyign about her age

literal_demon: yeah we know

hopelesslosergorl: shut UP bj i'm not DONE

hopelesslosergorl: ahem

hopelesslosergorl: lydia could secretely be an adult

hopelesslosergorl: but i see her as like a 25 yer old new york socilite

hopelesslosergorl: not an old dude

gothy-teen: ...thank you??

hopelesslosergorl: you're welcome

hopelesslosergorl: goodnight

gothy-teen: tis 3 pm but alright

hopelesslosergorl: i said goodNIGHT 

gothy-teen: goodnight

gothy-teen: anyway i'm not a 25 year old

space_alien: we know

gothy-teen: i wish i was 25

space_alien: we know

gothy-teen: jane goodall was a chimpanzee

space_alien: we know

calculust: babe

space_alien: what

calculust: read it again

space_alien: oh whoops i thought it said wasn't

Massive_Deal: This is so funny to me because we all just sort of assumed that Janis was on autopilot and made a mistake, but no, she did look at it, she just can't read.

space_alien: ok well you use proper grammar and punctuation

Massive_Deal: Okay...

space_alien: it was gonna turn into an insult but i couldn't figure out how to so i just decided to quit while i was ahead

gothy-teen: she's a smart one

gothy-teen: not smart enough, but a smart one nonetheless

macaroni: that applies to literally everyone in this chat so i can't even argue

calculust: uhh speak for yourself

toogaytofunction: caddy shhh your regina is showing

Massive_Deal: Rude. All of you. So rude.

space_alien: ahem

space_alien: new topic

space_alien: damian and i conversed in french today and i would like to acknowledge the bullying that occurred

theatre-nerd: when you say conversed...

calculust: they wrote notes to each other in patchy french and were not subtle about it at all

calculust: i did not participate because my french is too good to understand theirs

space_alien: caddyyy that's mean

calculust: you're mean

space_alien: ANYWAY

space_alien: moi: bonjour damian

space_alien: damian: bonjour janis, ca va?

space_alien: moi: ca va bien. ca va?

space_alien: damian: ca va mal!! je suis ne veux pour moi papeir

calculust: stop, stop. i'm going to translate for you.

calculust: janis: hello damian

calculust: damian: hello janis, how are you?

calculust: j: i am good. how are you?

calculust: d: i am bad! i am not want for my paper.

themeanone: the fuck

calculust: it gets worse

calculust: j: yes, your paper is much bad

calculust: d: egg pack

toogaytofunction: LISTEN CADDY

toogaytofunction: i was trying to write fuck off but i didn't know how so i wrote "phack ouef" which HAPPENS to translate to egg pack

gothy-teen: can we please start using egg pack as a replacement

gothy-teen: annleigh can use it instead of good place lingo

space_alien: yes i second this

calculust: anyway

calculust: j: your french is bad also! oh, no!

calculust: d: it is not possible!

calculust: j: it is possible, i think

calculust: d: i think you is a female dog

calculust: j: you don't know who you speak

calculust: d: a small friend

calculust: j: i am not small! all the world is big. it is not my problem.

calculust: d: you is a problem

calculust: *draws something unidentifiable*

calculust: j: what the pack?

calculust: d: i know not

calculust: j: you are interesting

space_alien: i didn't know the word for weird

toogaytofunction: it's literally 'bizarre' janis and you do know bc you asked on the first day of our first year of french so that you could "insult me in multiple languages"

space_alien: brooo that was such a long time ago i can't remember

calculust: lordy

calculust: d: you know what i like?

calculust: j: me?

calculust: d: ha... no. i like coffee

calculust: j: oh, yes! i like coffee also, but your coffee is bad

calculust: d: actually the coffee is cady's

calculust: j: oh. cady's coffee is bad.

calculust: d: i know! i request for the boba, but who knows

calculust: j: yes. she is mean. but she is very sexy and pretty and i love her so much

space_alien: i did not say that

calculust: no but you should have

space_alien: i said you had pretty hair!!!

calculust: you said i had pretty horse but i got the general sentiment

space_alien: whoops

calculust: d: shane is talking with me and i am annoy

calculust: j: eugh! shane is annoy

calculust: d: oh la la i like "eugh"

calculust: j: me too! i want to speak "eugh" inside english

calculust: d: yes, i am excitement

calculust: j: we are very good at france, you think?

calculust: d: yes we are much good

calculust: aaaand that's all of it

literal_demon: guys lydia is literally crying laughing

space_alien: we tried our best ok

shut_up_and_queer: shouldn't fourth year french students speak better french??

space_alien: probably

toogaytofunction: i blame the american public school system

calculust: i blame you guys for not doing your homework

space_alien: shhh caddy blame the system it's better

theatre-nerd: my favorite thing is that janis presented this to the group so that "we can see the bullying that occured" as though damian was bullying her but really janis was doing most of the bullying


Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:01 am

space_alien: happy new year

space_alien: i mean wait

space_alien: fuck

space_alien: not what i meant

calculust: did you mean... merry christmas? bc it's not christmas

space_alien: let me gather my thoughts

space_alien: i MEANT

space_alien: merry christmas eve

discoball: that was a wild ride

space_alien: only bc i'm stupid

gothy-teen: ooh self-burn those are rare

gothy-teen: except not really for janis

discoball: yeah i was gonna say

space_alien: yep it's my brand

Massive_Deal: A brand that applies to most of the people in this chat, mind you.

space_alien: phack ouef

calculust: egg pack!

space_alien: fuck off!!

calculust: i don't care what your intentions are that 100% translates to egg pack

toogaytofunction: omg yeah the other day our french teacher was like "janis, as we discussed after your last homework assignment, you cannot just take english words and put a french accent on them!"

themeanone: bahhaahah

space_alien: in my defense technically i CAN do that it just turns out i'll get an F if i do

calculust: hmmm who'd have thought

themeanone: y'all should take spanish it's so much easier

bicon: aren't spanish and french like really similar in terms of their basic organization tho

themeanone: i mean yeah they're both romance languages but spanish speaking ppl are way more forgiving if you fuck it up

space_alien: that's true actually

space_alien: the spanish teacher at northshore is literally the most awesome dude ever but our french teacher points and laughs at us when we mess up

gothy-teen: bro your french teacher sounds hilarious

space_alien: i mean ig but mr jacobs lets the students play spanish bingo and shit and they make up stories in spanish

discoball: nooo that's just when he's in a good mood

discoball: when he's in a bad mood he makes us take quizzes and we all fail bc all we do in class is play bingo and make up stories so none of us know how to speak spanish

gspot: he grades on a curve tho

discoball: true

space_alien: madame simone just has us do one quiz every month

yalikejazz?: we don't even have a french class i don't think

kiNkY: sure we do

kiNkY: it's just that there's only like eight kids in it lmao

yalikejazz?: oh really

kiNkY: yeah apparently a bunch of freshman signed up a few years ago and then they all quit except for like eight and since it was already a month into the school year they couldn't cancel the class so they've just all been vibing in french class for four years

bicon: are... you one of those people

kiNkY: nooo i wish i just know this girl who's in it

kiNkY: i mean french sounds fun but it's way less applicable when you live in the us

space_alien: true true

space_alien: did i tell y'all that madame simone drew a dead puppy on my test last week

calculust: what that's so morbid

space_alien: ik!! she wrote "every time you don't conjugate a verb you kill a puppy"

gothy-teen: omg i am in love with your french teacher

space_alien: in fairness she did write "i liked your speech" on my homework assignment after i went off on the patriarchy and shit last year so

calculust: idk i'm still hung up on this whole puppy thing

space_alien: dw caddy it's fictional

calculust: well ik that!!!

space_alien: i went up to her after class the other day and was like "you know since you're the one drawing the puppies i think you're the one killing them" and she was like "i don't draw puppies"

gothy-teen: gaslight

gothy-teen: gatekeep

gothy-teen: girlboss

space_alien: oh but you didn't let me finish

space_alien: she said "i dont draw puppies... i draw their ghosts. if you don't want them haunting you, you should speak better french."

calculust: goddamn

yalikejazz?: power move tbh

gothy-teen: like i said: girlboss

space_alien: i mean if i have to be haunted i'd rather it be by puppies

bicon: isn't the whole point that if you conjugate your verbs then you DONT have to be haunted??

space_alien: let's stay in reality, please. conjugations are simply not in the cards for me

toogaytofunction: *cue the horde of ghost puppies*

space_alien: yay!!!

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:01 am

space_alien: happy new year folks

calculust: uhh janis

calculust: darling

calculust: new year's eve was yesterday

calculust: i was with you do you not remember

space_alien: oh wait

space_alien: yep i'm a day late sorry folks

space_alien: had to check my calendar

it'stheLittleThings: you-what-you- HUH

space_alien: in my defense none of y'all said happy new year last night so how was i supposed to know

Massive_Deal: Because you were at my house??? At midnight??? And we all screamed Happy New Year and nearly blew each other's ears out???? 

space_alien: ohhhh yeahhh i vaguely remember that

toogaytofunction: ok who let janis get drunk

discoball: you were supposed to be watching her!!!!

toogaytofunction: nooo but i told cady to while i went to go get the pizza

calculust: i told karen to watch her while i was in the bathroom!!!

SexyMouse: well i... did not.

discoball: oh. well. that explains it again

SexyMouse: sorreeeeeeee

space_alien: hahahahhhhhh

anythingbutwallflower: ok but guys

anythingbutwallflower: i feel like janis should still remember the entire day beforehand

space_alien: i mean i do i just forgot that it was new years eve

captainoftheteam: honestly seems like something i would do

space_alien: see!! see!!!

captainoftheteam: no no it wasn't a compliment i am a mess

space_alien: oh. well.

space_alien: OMG RONNIE

space_alien: does this mean i win worst child????

ronicaaa: noooo

ronicaaa: worst organized person on the planet maybe

ronicaaa: but not worst child

calculust: didn't we resolve this last time???

ronicaaa: nooo but you asked if we resolved it last time

 calculust: and why doesn't anyone ever give me an answer

ronicaaa: wdym i just did

calculust: no i mean can't y'all just resolve it already

space_alien: NEVER

toogaytofunction: janis do you not remember making out with cady for like a full fifteen minutes after the ball dropped because WHY did we all have to sit through that if you weren't even gonna remember

space_alien: oh i do remember that

bicon: so you're just lying then

bicon: you do remember last night

space_alien: ok listen i just FORGOT that last night was new years eve

space_alien: i remember the actual experience

bicon: then now- what- HUH

it'stheLittleThings: hey that's what i said!!!

bicon: you were right

space_alien: it's weird in my brain man idk what to tell you

calculust: it's true she doesn't know what's going on most of the time

space_alien: yeah i'm like a goldfish

calculust: that's... not the quote

ronicaaa: that was supposed to be a quote??


it'stheLittleThings: oh yeah that's not the right quote janis

space_alien: but i tried!!

calculust: but she tried!!!

ronicaaa: maybe i should let you have the worst child title

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:23 pm

shut_up_and_queer: once in middle school someone stole a projector

alyssa_greeene: um

alyssa_greeene: ok??

shut_up_and_queer: just sharing :)

shut_up_and_queer: to make sure it wouldn't happen again the teachers put notes on all the remaining projectors that said "please do not take :)"

yalikejazz?: wow

yalikejazz?: it's a little concerning that those are the same people shaping today's youth

shut_up_and_queer: AHAHA I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT

shut_up_and_queer: maybe that's why i'm so dumb

gothy-teen: omg i forgot about eva's wacked k-8 school

shut_up_and_queer: someone stole a soap dispenser too!! and they closed all the bathrooms on campus except one so people would be gone from class for like twenty minutes at a time bc they had to walk all the way across campus to go pee and then the admin got mad at us for "abusing our bathroom priviledges"

shut_up_and_queer: also someone stole a hand dryer

themeanone: ...was it you

shut_up_and_queer: the hand dryer yes

shut_up_and_queer: i got some tips from the guy who stole the soap and projector

duck: you knew who did it???

shut_up_and_queer: yeah he the TA in my class


shut_up_and_queer: yeah he was like 20 and literally hated the whole admin so he decided to pull some hijinx and i caught him putting the projecter back once

ronicaaa: ok that IS fucked up

space_alien: omg ronnie

ronicaaa: what

space_alien: idk

space_alien: unrelated: do y'all ever like forget your cousins exist

ronicaaa: HEY

space_alien: asking for a friend!!!

ronicaaa: what friend

space_alien: uhhh you don't know them???

ronicaaa: i don't know one of your friends?? add them to the chat then

space_alien: ok FINE i made em up

macaroni: how does one forget that veronica exists

macaroni: like ig i get forgetting about your cousin but ronnie??? is kind of hard to forget

ronicaaa: aw thanks babe

space_alien: i don't think that was necessarily a compliment

ronicaaa: oh hush

macaroni: actually she's sort of right

ronicaaa: HEY

ronicaaa: why is everyone so mean to me

alyssa_greeene: i mean in fairness you're sort of mean to everyone else

ronicaaa: shut up alyssa

ronicaaa: oh i hear it now

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:22 pm

captainoftheteam: guys

captainoftheteam: important question

discoball: important answer

captainoftheteam: ...what?

discoball: oh i don't know nevermind

captainoftheteam: ok so like?? what are your guys' screen time averages usually???

anythingbutwallflower: omg reese are you still obsessing about this

captainoftheteam: yes!!! six hours is TOO MUCH TIME, cairo

space_alien: i mean mine's usually around five hours

captainoftheteam: ok janis is a poor data point bc she's a mess

captainoftheteam: how about someone like regina or cady or something

space_alien: hey!!!

calculust: i mean you kind of are an outlier sweetie

space_alien: you people are the worst

calculust: mine is usually around like three and a half hours

captainoftheteam: ok that's more reasonable

macaroni: ??? mine's always at like two and a half

hopelesslosergorl: well thet's just wierd

macaroni: you're just weird!!!!

space_alien: hey i was gonna say it!!!

macaroni: sucks to be you ig

space_alien: veronica you've corrupted your girlfriend beyond repair

ronicaaa: hush hush

ronicaaa: i usually have 4 hours of screen time

captainoftheteam: you people are crazy!!!!!!

lesbean: well what's yours

captainoftheteam: like one hour forty five

anythingbutwallflower: sure, I'M the weird one

alyssa_greeene: yeah reese that's like shockingly low

captainoftheteam: it's not my fault everyone else in the world is addicted to their phones!!!!

anythingbutwallflower: i think it's just because reese has nothing interesting on her phone

anythingbutwallflower: no life

captainoftheteam: ok well you don't have to ATTACK me

anythingbutwallflower: you attacked me first bitch

shut_up_and_queer: guys no murdering please

captainoftheteam: what's YOUR screen time eva

shut_up_and_queer: two hours

shut_up_and_queer: one hour on like instagram or playing games or watching youtube or something and one hour for like texting or using my online calculator

bicon: damn eva's so put together

shut_up_and_queer: yeah it's really hard guys

anythingbutwallflower: title of your sex tape, and i still think that's weirdly low

Horse_Gorl: ok but babe you do have to admit that six hours IS excessive

anythingbutwallflower: well maybe i wouldn't be on my phone so much if not for this gc that never shuts up

captainoftheteam: what gc

anythingbutwallflower: THIS ONE

captainoftheteam: ...ohh

alyssa_greeene: oh

lesbean: oh

bicon: oh

calculust: oh

space_alien: oh

shut_up_and_queer: oh

Horse_Gorl: oh

discoball: oh

hopelesslosergorl: oh

alyssa_greeene: except wait we're all on this chat too and WE'RE not on our phones six hours a day

anythingbutwallflower: LET IT GO ALYSSA

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:08 pm

discoball: guys i don't get question 2 at all

discoball: whoops wrong chat

discoball: eh i'll open it up for debate

discoball: what the fuck is transcendentalism??

micheal_sMells: gonna need some context

discoball: it's for my history class

discoball: help

space_alien: eh i've given up at this point

calculust: nooo you got this jan

calculust: just one and a half more weeks

bicon: till... what??

calculust: the end of the semester



calculust: I'M SORRY

gothy-teen: what why three weeks of work

space_alien: because i don't go to class lydia keep up!!

gothy-teen: right sorry


gothy-teen: your emergencies in the past have been underwhelming but go for it

discoball: what's transcendentalism??? and also who's that emerson dude

lesbean: gretch i don't think you realize how much more context is necessary

calculust: just write about how they both went against what society thought and stuff

Massive_Deal: Wait guys, I actually emailed Mr. Howard about this and he said we don't have to say anything about Emerson specifically.

calculust: WHAT

calculate: NO

Massive_Deal: Yeah, just talk about his ideas of transcendentalism.



calculust: ughhhh

calculust: i reread his entire biography AND his whole document!!!

space_alien: seeee caddy this is why procrastination wins

calculate: NO

calculust: wrong takeaway

space_alien: right takeaway!! just wait till you have more information and it'll be easier

lesbean: um counterpoint, sometimes you wait too long and then it's one am and you're frantically trying to finish your math assignment and it's too late to ask your teacher for help and everyone else is asleep and you're too tired to comprehend the numbers and they're just swimming in your vision

alyssa_greeene: based on personal experience perhaps?

lesbean: you KNOW it is

toogaytofunction: guys how long is our response to each question supposed to be???

calculust: i wrote a page for each

toogaytofunction: ugh no i'm looking for minimal effort

space_alien: i'm writing like a paragraph for each

toogaytofunction: A PARAGRAPH



space_alien: GOOGLE IT

discoball: i did but it makes no sense!!

gothy-teen: then what makes you think we'll be able to help???

discoball: idk i figure there has to be at least one smart person here

Massive_Deal: Transcendentalism basically is the belief that your conscience is God telling you what to do.

ronicaaa: there's your one smart person

discoball: thank god

Massive_Deal: Guys this isn't that difficult

micheal_sMells: so we're just like never getting context for this huh

space_alien: correct

calculust: you guys need to be better students

toogaytofunction: excuse you i've gotten 30/30 on every one of these assignments all semester

calculust: no i don't believe you

toogaytofunction: screenshot.jpg

toogaytofunction: believe it bitch

calculust: ok well so have i

calculust: screenshot.jpg

calculust: that one f is just my participation points bc i was like two minutes late to class

toogaytofunction: hahaaaa caddy's a slacker

calculust: IT WAS ONE TIME

calculust: the bus was running late!!! i got there at 8:32!!! it was incredibly stupid

calculust: and then i AGGRESSIVELY participated for the rest of class but he still didn't change it

toogaytofunction: you probably have the lowest grade out of all of us

calculust: i do not!! i have a 98!!

toogaytofunction: i have a 99!!! how do you like them apples

discoball: i have 100

toogaytofunction: what really

space_alien: how are y'all's grades so high??? i have an 85!!

toogaytofunction: well we actually turn stuff in and aren't lame all the time so

space_alien: wow ouch

space_alien: gonna go cry

discoball: anyway how much should i write

toogaytofunction: a paragraph apparently

calculust: like as much as you do on those worksheets he gives us

discoball: what?? i write like 12 words max for each question on those

calculust: well just write as much as you would on the worksheets if you were like a good student

discoball: i am a very good student!!!! i just don't like to write!!

calculust: sure, gretch, sure

ronicaaa: i think cady's getting progressively meaner

macaroni: eh it's fine

macaroni: it's more entertaining

discoball: wait so what's transcendentalism again?? i forgot

lesbean: oh good lord

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 8:34pm

shut_up_and_queer: guys my 80 year old grandpa just got reintroducted to his childhood rifle and i cannot express t you the depth of my terror rn

kiNkY: oh that is rather upsetting

gothy-teen: what is

gothy-teen: oh sorry i read it as "he got reintroduced to his childhood"

gothy-teen: all good now

gothy-teen: what is his plan for it

shut_up_and_queer: he was gonna donate it?? to a rifle collector?? but i'm starting to worry that he's gonna keep it 

duck: wait wait back up why did he have a CHILDHOOD RIFLE

shut_up_and_queer: not like CHILDHOOD childhood

shut_up_and_queer: like he wasn't a five year old with a rifle

shut_up_and_queer: i don't think

ronicaaa: you don't THINK???

shut_up_and_queer: oh shut UP veronica you killed like twelve people!!

ronicaaa: one!! one person!!! maybe in another universe heather and kurt and ram all died but NOT IN THIS ONE BITCH

chandelier: didn't love the close call though

ronicaaa: oh fuck off you're fine

shut_up_and_queer: update he shot at a squirrel

gothy-teen: HE KILLED A SQUIRREL????

shut_up_and_queer: NO omg he shot AT it but he missed because he's EIGHTY YEARS OLD learn to READ lydia GOD

chandelier: again, don't love the close call

shut_up_and_queer: my grandma's passive aggressively trying to get him to put it down now

themeanone: how's that workin out for her

shut_up_and_queer: not great but it's pretty funny

shut_up_and_queer: "put down the gun, doug, i think it's time for a nap."  "pamela, why won't the damn squirrels leave my property alone?"  "this isn't your property, doug, we're at your daughter's house and i think she's planning to kick us out."

gothy-teen: bahahah 

literal_demon: this isn't your property DOUG

literal_demon: i'm gonna start saying that

gothy-teen: we don't know anyone named doug


literal_demon: see? works

duck: does it??

literal_demon: yeah i decided

duck: well ok then

shut_up_and_queer: HE PUT THE GUN DOWN

shut_up_and_queer: now he's... asleep??

gothy-teen: damn your grandma was right about the nap

shut_up_and_queer: yeah she's usually right

shut_up_and_queer: she keeps a scrapbook

duck: of all the times she's right???

shut_up_and_queer: yep

shut_up_and_queer: i mean

shut_up_and_queer: only like the big stuff

shut_up_and_queer: and she doesn't reuse the same things

shut_up_and_queer: like there's only one photo of my grandpa sleeping

shut_up_and_queer: but then again it has the number 426 next to it for the sake of nice solid numbers

gothy-teen: she's been right about the naps 426 times??

shut_up_and_queer: oh shit that was supposed to say 4260

gothy-teen: i- okay your grandma's my new favorite person ever

shut_up_and_queer: there's seventeen volumes of these things man

shut_up_and_queer: she's been making them since she was fifteen

gothy-teen: legend

duck: idk it seems a little obsessive 

duck: plus kinda mean

gothy-teen: you're obsessive and mean

duck: i mean yeah that's how i know

gothy-teen: ...

gothy-teen: dammit she checks out

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:29pm

anythingbutwallflower: guys we're at a cheer thingy in another town and the wifi at our hotel is so shitty i'm gonna cry

Horse_Gorl: omg babe for the last time if you would just go to sleep you wouldn't care about the wifi

anythingbutwallflower: but i wanna watch brooklyn 99!! also fuck off i'm sharing my feelings

Horse_Gorl: cairo!!!!!

anythingbutwallflower: annleigh!!!!

themeanone: no she's right tho this internet is terrible

Horse_Gorl: you're terrible

themeanone: thank you

Horse_Gorl: you guys are gonna make us mess up at cheer tomorrow

anythingbutwallflower: nuh uh

macaroni: as someone who has perfected a twenty-minute cheer routine on less than an hour of sleep before i can assure you they won't

ronicaaa: i think you meant that to be a brag but it's really just super concerning

macaroni: no it's just cuz i was at a party with chandler this one time and then i had to do all my homework and then i was super wired cuz like i drank four redbulls so that i could stay awake to do my homework and then i finally went to sleep for an hour but then i woke up bc my neighbor was running his leaf blower at like five am for no reason and i was like oh well there's like no point in going to sleep now

macaroni: and then i went to the pep rally :)

Horse_Gorl: yeahhh i'm gonna side with veronica, that's v concerning

macaroni: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:00pm


toogaytofunction: OMG WHAT

gothy-teen: omg ok so i was walking back home from school and this lady walked out of ther house with NO PANTS ON!! and then like i was just there and it was so scary cuz we made eye contact and then i ran away cuz like yeah she didn't have pants on

gothy-teen: that's the whole story it's actually not that amazing but it's quite entertaining

space_alien: omg

space_alien: that's so funny

gothy-teen: honestly it was kinda a vibe

gothy-teen: she was like sixty

gothy-teen: i feel like that's my future self

ronicaaa: samne honestly

calculust: guys... no... wear pants pls

gothy-teen: to be fair she was wearing underwear

gothy-teen: but they were kinda see thru ngl

bicon: isn't that almost worse tho

gothy-teen: yes but like i said, power move

literal_demon: lydia that's kinda disturbing

gothy-teen: you're kinda disturbing!!!

literal_demon: yeah but i don't hit on old ladies

gothy-teen: i wasn't SITTING on her i was just sayin

toogaytofunction: SITTING???

gothy-teen: HITTING goddamnit HITTING

literal_demon: idk about you sometimes bestie

gothy-teen: oh FUCK OF 

literal_demon: of???

gothy-teen: shut UP you GUYS

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:03 pm


ronicaaa: what

macaroni: wow cold

ronicaaa: sorry lemme retry

ronicaaa: good evening my lovey dovey heather mcnamara, how can i be of assistance to you?

macaroni: yes good job

macaroni: anyway


anythingbutwallflower: smooth transition mac really

macaroni: mhm

ronicaaa: pages? what pages??

macaroni: at the top of the assignment page it says so i think

macaroni: on page 21??

ronicaaa: page 21 is blank!!!!

macaroni: what kinda fucked up chem packet do you have where there's blank pages????

ronicaaa: idk the copy room in school is like incapable of doing it's job!!

macaroni: well whatever assignment page you have

ronicaaa: i don't even know what ur talking about

ronicaaa: what's an assignment page??

lesbean: i- i mean what do you think it is

macaroni: ^^

ronicaaa: idk!! we have a lot of papers in that class

ronicaaa: also mac you know it's saturday right??

lesbean: um it's friday

ronicaaa: even worse!!

macaroni: what's your point

ronicaaa: why are you doing homework on a friday night???

macaroni: so i don't have to tomorrow or sunday? also i'm not doing it now i'm just asking you cuz i knew you'd be difficult about it and wanted to get it out of the way

ronicaaa: i?? am offended i think?? mostly just confused

calculust: wait why didn't you just ask someone else??

lesbean: i mean she did send it in a groupchat with like a billion people

anythingbutwallflower: yeah one of us could answer

macaroni: oh my god you guys

lesbean: what

macaroni: ok let me walk you through this

macaroni: turn to page 21 of your chemistry packets

calculust: oh i don't take chem

lesbean: i do but not the same one

anythingbutwallflower: yeah same

anythingbutwallflower: oh i see the issue

anythingbutwallflower: also this conversation got super boring and about homework so i propose a subject change

macaroni: oh i'm SO SORRY i was being a GOOD STUDENT

ronicaaa: yeah you should be

anythingbutwallflower: ahem

anythingbutwallflower: CALLING ALL TROOPS

anythingbutwallflower: IT'S RIVETING CONVO TIME

hopelesslosergorl: helloooo

hopelesslosergorl: what's up

anythingbutwallflower: idk do you have a farrahism for us

hopelesslosergorl: like what?? 

hopelesslosergorl: come on get a subject going

anythingbutwallflower: bruh idk that's why i asked you

space_alien: IM HERE TO SAVE YOU


space_alien: *bows*

space_alien: anyway what are we talking about

calculust: were you not following along

space_alien: what no

anythingbutwallflower: then why take such a bold and in context entrance???

space_alien: oh that's just how i enter places in general

lesbean: good grief

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 7:24 pm

shut_up_and_queer: hey people my people

themeanone: which people

shut_up_and_queer: you'll do

themeanone: ouch

themeanone: but okay

shut_up_and_queer: can you send me the answers to the gilded age things?? i don't wanna listen to the audio thing

lesbean: guys guys guys

lesbean: hot take

lesbean: what if we didn't use the chain with 30+ ppl for homework stuff

themeanone: a good take

themeanone: but counterpoint

themeanone: the convo has already been started

lesbean: ok but can this be the last one???

themeanone: it can try

lesbean: what no

themeanone: also baby i haven't done that yet

shut_up_and_queer: of course you havent

themeanone: is that due tomorrow??

anythingbutwallflower: yes

themeanone: what????? i thought it was just a quiz

anythingbutwallflower: no you gotta write about the terms

captainoftheteam: WHAT NO

captainoftheteam: what are we supposed to write???

it'stheLittlethings: WRITE

it'stheLittlethings: NO

themeanone: yeah i thought we were just supposed to know what they were

themeanone: well then will someone tell them what they mean???

shut_up_and_queer: what no i was asking you

themeanone: which was a mistake cuz u know i never do stuff

it'stheLittlethings: so there's not hw then??

anythingbutwallflower: no idts

themeanone: fine then eva i don't need you

shut_up_and_queer: that was never the issue!!

shut_up_and_queer: hey caiiiirroooo

anythingbutwallflower: nahhh i'm not giving you the answers

shut_up_and_queer: i always help you with chemistry!!!

shut_up_and_queer: :((((((

shut_up_and_queer: look at my sad face!!!

anythingbutwallflower: i'm looking and i feel nothing

micheal_sMells: CHRISTINE!! i bought a ticket to the spring show

shut_up_and_queer: cairo you're so mean and stupid

anythingbutwallflower: yeah i'm mean, but i think it's you that's stupid

theatre-nerd: ooh micheal what day

micheal_sMells: march 12

bicon: omg that's the day i'm going!!

theatre-nerd: that's the day my parents are going!!

theatre-nerd: jeremy ur left out

bicon: christine it'd better be your very best show

theatre-nerd: i mean we open in a week and still haven't done a full run thru but i'll try

shut_up_and_queer: oof

whyamievenheere: wait why am i being excluded

theatre-nerd: i mean you could get tickets

whyamievenheere: i was so supportive of your rehearsal process!!

theatre-nerd: i'm not the one doing the excluding!! just buy tickets dork

themeanone: can someone send me the audio for the english assignment

anythingbutwallflower: it's online

whyamievenheere: ok christine i'm looking at tickets

whyamievenheere: how vital is the seat selection thing

themeanone: cairo i can't find it!!

theatre-nerd: jeremy i have no idea what you're on about

anythingbutwallflower: KATE omfg it's literally on the website

whyamievenheere: for tickets!! like do ppl actually honor the seats they pick

theatre-nerd: idk i've never booked tickets for a high school show before

theatre-nerd: cuz i'm always in them

whyamievenheere: dammit i was counting on you to have the inside scoop!!!

themeanone: cairo ik it's online but can you just send it to me?? i can't find it anywhere

anythingbutwallflower: kate!!! go to the english card!! scroll to the gilded age section!! look for the audio review module!! and click! on the fucking! link!

anythingbutwallflower: it's not that hard

shut_up_and_queer: kate don't bother it has like no info

themeanone: then why am i stressing????

shut_up_and_queer: idk!!

themeanone: ok!!

captainoftheteam: guys i have a sad story about that

captainoftheteam: i clicked on the audio link and clicked on the skip button and didn't notice, and then i listened to 30 out of 40 minutes of the next video about oil companies!! and then finally i realized he wasn't talking about any of the points and i had clicked on the wrong one!!

shut_up_and_queer: that's sad

shut_up_and_queer: but also the actual audio doesn't address any of the points

shut_up_and_queer: so just google

shut_up_and_queer: and BY THE WAY

shut_up_and_queer: i didn't know ANY OF THIS when i first texted

shut_up_and_queer: but while you people were being busy NOT HELPING

shut_up_and_queer: i did the assignment like a NERD and sorted it out for myself

shut_up_and_queer: so thanks

themeanone: you're so welcome

shut_up_and_queer: you are so fucking lucky i love you

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:07pm

discoball: injuries i've received this week ranked by amount of ridiculousness, from least to greatest

macaroni: ?????

discoball: ahem

discoball: don't interrupt the list!!

macaroni: my apologies

discoball: scraped my knuckle against the wall while making my bed - kinda stupid, but happens on a regular basis. boring

discoball: banged my head on the floor - points for creativity, but genuinely don’t remember it

discoball: whacked the shit out of my knee while climbing onto a platform - funny bc it was super unnecessary for me to climb up the way i did, i just didn’t want to get in anyone’s way. hurt like a bitch tho

discoball: banged my ribs on the SAME fucking platform - repetition is one of the rules of comedy, is it not?

discoball: hit my nose on the refrigerator - 10/10. what person forgets to step out of the way before closing the door? incredible.

calculust: gretch are you good??

Massive_Deal: Yeah I think we might need to wrap you in bubble wrap before you go to school tomorrow

discoball: there's no school tomorrow

discoball: and i don't have any bubble wrap that hasn't been popped

SexyMouse: we dont have shcool tomorw?

discoball: nope it's a conference day

space_alien: uhh gretchen aren't you failing like three classes?? i feel like you should conference with your teachers

discoball: i thought y'all wanted to protect me

space_alien: i never agreed to that

macaroni: janis don't be mean!!

space_alien: mac i can barely keep myself alive!!! how do you expect me to worry about anyone else???

macaroni: i... don't know

space_alien: lawyered

ronicaaa: you need to stop watching how i met your mother janis

ronicaaa: like it's a major issue

space_alien: *salutes* major issue

ronicaaa: oh fuck you

discoball: update!! gave myself a rash by holding a hot water bottle directly onto my skin. 4/10 very stupid. and banged the same fucking knee. 2/10 it’s not funny anymore gretchen get your shit together

lesbean: that happened in the last two minutes???

discoball: yep

discoball: :)

lesbean: i'm starting to understand where the term disaster gay comes from

discoball: *pan

calculust: *bi

discoball: cady this isn't about you

calculust: sorry

lesbean: disaster queer??

calculust: i'll accept it

discoball: cady!!

calculust: gretchen!!

discoball: i accept it emma

lesbean: oh well thanks but i was more worried about cady

discoball: i will slit your throat

lesbean: gretchen approval for the win!!!

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 6:12 pm

duck: let's get down to business

gothy-teen: to defeat

space_alien: the huns

duck: that's all the words i know lmao

calculust: what on god's green earth was that

hopelesslosergorl: don't say the lord's name in vain!!!

gothy-teen: shut up annleigh

gothy-teen: oh wait you're farrah

gothy-teen: and you're joking

gothy-teen: to make fun of annleigh

gothy-teen: ok i get it carry on

space_alien: wait caddy do you not know mulan???

calculust: is that a book?


lesbean: despicable

toogaytofunction: emma!!

lesbean: it's MULAN damian come on man

toogaytofunction: ok true

calculust: you guys i don't know if i can handle another musical

toogaytofunction: yes you can

calculust: oh right ok

lesbean: did he just-

toogaytofunction: i made an executive decision

space_alien: fun fact that's how i realized i was a lesbian

space_alien: i was all upset about regina and i was talking to damian about it and was like "and i'm not even a lesbian!" and he goes "what? yes you are!" and i was like "oh okay"

gothy-teen: pssshhhh

lesbean: you're not born gay damian decides for you

alyssa_greeene: sexuality is a choice but it's not yours

gspot: that should be the next gay rights campaign

space_alien: yeah that would deeeefinitely go over well

gspot: hush janis don't spoil our fun

toogaytofunction: too bad y'all already know your sexualities that would have been fun

SexyMouse: i dont!!

toogaytofunction: oh i'm not tackling that one

SexyMouse: what whyyy

toogaytofunction: nope nope nope 

toogaytofunction: i am retired

toogaytofunction: i retired 20 years ago

toogaytofunction: i am deceased

SexyMouse: yeha thats fare

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:04 pm

Horse_Gorl: guys i am literally more tired than i've ever been ever in my life

macaroni: pretty sure you've said that at least three other times this week

Horse_Gorl: ok well i'm super tired dangit mac i was building to something

macaroni: lol i love how you pretend you didn't type out dammit and then go correct yourself before hitting send

macaroni: but go on

Horse_Gorl: i- okay

Hosre_Gorl: i just spent three freaking hours playing some stupid unicorn game with cairo and everyone and i feel like my soul is gone

Horse_Gorl: and not even in a religious way!!

anythingbutwallflower: come on babe it wasn't that bad

Horse_Gorl: well it WOULDN'T have been had you not played that STUPID super neigh and cancelled my win so the game went on for another hour!!

anythingbutwallflower: I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO

space_alien: wait are you guys talking about unstable unicorns???

anythingbutwallflower: yup

space_alien: i HATE that game!! it's like impossible to win!!

anythingbutwallflower: it is not!

captainoftheteam: and how would you know

anythingbutwallflower: just because i ended the game with three cards does not mean i'm a loser!!

themeanone: uh yeah that's exactly what it means

anythingbutwallflower: oh hush kate no one asked you

hopelesslosergorl: ok but i ws thee one who atcutally won!!



space_alien: seeeee it also destroys friendships!!

checkers: that's what i said!! but they were all like nooo chess that's a different game you're thinking of don't be sillyyyyy

calculust: janis isn't that the one that literally has a thing on the instructions saying "play the game, betray your friends, unicorns are your friends now"?

space_alien: yup

checkers: SEEE oh my god

toogaytofunction: wait jan is that the one that's like gubs

space_alien: yup

discoball: what's gubs??

calculust: wait gretch are you serious

calculust: you literally play that with us all the time

discoball: are you fucking with me right now?

calculust: are you??? you played it for like a month straight last summer

discoball: am i having a stroke or something wtf

discoball: i have no recollection of that

macaroni: i feel like there's a lot of gaslighting happening in the chat tonight

captainoftheteam: gaslight gatekeep girlboss

calculust: no i'm not gaslighting this genuinely happened

calculust: and i'm kind of concerned that you don't remember

discoball: eh it's chill

calculust: i feel like it's not

discoball: no it is

checkers: ok but I was genuinely gaslit

themeanone: not on purpose tho

themeanone: we're just stupid

checkers: well i'm not gonna argue with you there

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:57 pm

space_alien: good day

gothy-teen: buongiorno

calculust: god dag

a-aron: guten tag

anythingbutwallflower: bona dies

whyamievenheere: bonne journee

micheal_sMells: buenos dias

space_alien: ok done now

toogaytofunction: did you guys just google translate all that

gothy-teen: yup

calculust: no!!

a-aron: yes

anythingbutwallflower: yes

whyamievenheere: yes

micheal_sMells: yes

calculust: you guys are the worst

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:06 am

space_alien: guys

space_alien: i just witnessed the best thing ever

anythingbutwallflower: what

space_alien: there was a cat

themeanone: groundbreakig

space_alien: no no no you don't understand

space_alien: it was in a bookstore

calculust: groundbreaking!!!

space_alien: her name was The Duchess Rose and according to the front desk lady 'she makes the rules'

shut_up_and_queer: i am obsessed

toogaytofunction: the duchess rose??? that's almost as extra as i am

space_alien: i KNOW

calculust: ok ok calm down babe

space_alien: i want a cat caddy

calculust: you have a cat

space_alien: no but i want that cat

calculust: well that's called stealing and i don't think you should do it

space_alien: i respectfully disagree

theatre-nerd: you... disagree about the law??

space_alien: no i disagree about whether i should do it or not

a-aron: ok but the law still applies???

space_alien: yeah but i'm gay tho

themeanone: be gay do crime :)))

shut_up_and_queer: kate no

themeanone: arson!!!

space_alien: cat!!!

calculust: baby what if you just rename your cat to duchess rose or whatever

space_alien: she already has a name!!! you can't just change your name!!

Horse_Gorl: trans people beg to differ

space_alien: ok well i can't change it for her

calculust: how about i send you a picture of a cat and you pretend you own it

space_alien: or steal one!!!

calculust: no!!

space_alien: maybe i'll get a chinchilla

anythingbutwallflower: because that's easier

space_alien: chinchillas are cool bro

space_alien: they can't get wet cuz their fur is too thick and will grow mold so they bathe in sand!!! and predators can't get their claws through

calculust: i think it's bedtime for janis now

space_alien: chinchilllllaaa

calculust: i'm cutting you off

toogaytofunction: janis has been forcibly removed from the conversation

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:04 pm

gothy-teen: y'all

gothy-teen: i should be a comedian

literal_demon: don't you have to be funny for that

bicon: badum pshhhh

gothy-teen: okay ouch

space_alien: omg lydia i'll be a comedian with you

bicon: i don't think it works like that

lesbean: shhh don't crush their dreams

bicon: i feel like these are the sorts of people who need dreams to be crushed

toogaytofunction: he's very wrong

toogaytofunction: right i meant right

toogaytofunction: what day is it

ronicaaa: uhh damian are you good

toogaytofunction: nope

space_alien: anyway

space_alien: in what way can we not both be comedians

bicon: well you can't do a routine together is what i meant

space_alien: oh yeah no i wouldn't do a routine with lydia

gothy-teen: hey!!!

gothy-teen: oh actually i wouldn't do a routine with me either

literal_demon: tonight on: does she have low self esteem or is she just smart

gothy-teen: yep

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:07 pm

kiNkY: guys i'm like lowkey obsessed with john mulaney

idiot: oh no

idiot: please don't say you want to become a comedian

kiNkY: what no i just like john mulaney

yalikejazz?: oh thank god

kiNkY: well now i think i should be offended

Alana_Beck: No, no, it's just that you're not that funny

kiNkY: hey!!!

yalikejazz?: well no you're funny you just have bad self esteem

kiNkY: HEY

idiot: nonono you just need like a really thick skin as a comedian

kiNkY: i have thick skin!! fuck off you're gonna make me cry!!

Tree_Boy: you kinda proved their point

kiNkY: someone please kill everyone here

ronicaaa: haha you sound like my dead boyfriend

Tree_Boy: ...

Tree_Boy: anyway

literal_demon: i love comedy

gothy-teen: oh god do i have to tell you all that stuff too

literal_demon: no i think stand up is the worst

literal_demon: it's way funnier to scare the shit out of people

gothy-teen: that's true

macaroni: that's mean!!

gothy-teen: you're mean!!

macaroni: actually i'm not, that's sort of the whole point is i'm not mean

ronicaaa: the whole point of what??

macaroni: me?

ronicaaa: ok

space_alien: i should be a comedian!!

calculust: babe no please don't make me be mean to you

space_alien: ouchy

space_alien: anyhoo do you guys ever like forget to breathe

calculust: WHAT 

ronicaaa: oh yeah if you're like really focused on something

literal_demon: i can't breathe

hopelesslosergorl: me neither!!!

checkers: same

clarky-boy: same

kiNkY: hm. ghosts

yalikejazz?: are you remarking on something specific about ghosts or are you just reminding yourself that they exist

kiNkY: oh i don't know zoe sometimes ya just say stuff ok

idiot: why could i perfectly hear your tone when i read that sentence

kiNky: idk maybe you're psychic

idiot: or maybe your voice is just impossible to forget

kiNkY: thank you

idiot: no it's a bad thing

kiNkY: fuck you

idiot: there you go

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:17 pm

gothy-teen: ok i have a question for y'all that could ruin friendships

space_alien: ooh fun

gothy-teen: rank the friends

calculust: which friends

gothy-teen: THE friends

gothy-teen: like the show

calculust: ohhh i see

calculust: idk i just don't like the tall one

space_alien: the- the tall one?

calculust: the sad dude

gothy-teen: ross??

calculust: yeah sure

toogaytofunction: what how can you not like ross???

calculust: he's annoying!! and mean!!

anythingbutwallflower: isn't the whole point that he's not mean

space_alien: nah he's mean to rachel tho

calculust: yeah i don't like either of them

kiNkY: i don't like monica

Alana_Beck: You're just saying that because she's like me

kiNkY: what noooo

gothy-teen: ahem people i said RANK them

calculust: ok 1. the ocd one 2. the dumb one 3. the funny one 4. the blonde one 5. the annoying girl 6. ross

space_alien: allow me to translate: monica, joey, chandler, phoebe, rachel by process of elimination, ross

space_alien: also i VEHEMENTLY disagree

space_alien: it goes chandler, joey, monica, ross, rachel

toogaytofunction: oh you just put rachel last because she's like regina

space_alien: hey that's offensive to regina!!

toogaytofunction: it goes phoebe, joey, rachel, monica, ross, chandler

space_alien: you're just saying that because chandler's like me

toogaytofunction: i mean

kiNkY: no no guys it goes chandler joey phoebe rachel ross monica

gothy-teen: NO it's phoebe joey chandler monica rachel ross

Alana_Beck: she's right, it's the only correct option

macaroni: huh you guys all put joey second

toogaytofunction: yay joey for the win!!

macaroni: but he's SECOND

toogaytofunction: joey for the almost win!!

macaroni: what if i put him last

space_alien: well then we'd have to kill you

macaroni: ack what

space_alien: :)

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:22 pm

Massive_Deal: Good evening

space_alien: yes your honor

Massive_Deal: Oh nothing, I just wanted to start something

space_alien: alright well

ronicaaa: have y'all watched the gay pirate show

toogaytofunction: yes and i'm UNWELL

ronicaaa: ME TOO

Massive_Deal: There we go

space_alien: have you watched it reggie

Massive_Deal: Yes. I'm devastated.

themeanone: hm yeah you can tell

wannaride: no no no you guys i have been through such an ORDEAL over this shit

ronicaaa: we all have brooke

wannaride: nonono listennn

wannaride: so last night i watched the second to last episode

wannaride: wait has anyone not watched it yet

wannahang: NOT ME

wannaride: oh ok babe i'll keep it vague for you

wannaride: so basically the Terrible Thing happened

wannaride: and i was so upset but it was like 11 on a school night so i was like oh i'll be responsible and go to bed

wannaride: which was utterly pointless bc i didn't sleep anyway cuz i was obsessing over what was gonna happen next

wannaride: and THEN i had to wake up and go to FUCKING SCHOOL

wannaride: and all day i was SO ANXIOUS i felt like i was DYING and fucking RICH was looking at me with this sad little grimace bc he'd already seen in and then of course i went home and immediately watched the finale and now i'm EVEN MORE DEVASTATED

bicon: i didn't spoil anything tho did i

wannaride: no but the vibes coming off of you said you realllyyy wanted to

wannaride: also you were vaguely upset so i knew it was gonna be an upsetting finale

bicon: i told you i was upset bc i failed a chemistry quiz tho

wannaride: yeahhh you're not that good at lying

bicon: fuck

wannahang: well now i don't wanna watch it

wannaride: no babe you have to

wannahang: you said it's devastating!!

wannaride: only bc it's so good!! i've literally been rewatching the same compilation videos over and over since i finished it

themeanone: that seems unhealthy

space_alien: you seem unhealthy

themeanone: at least i'm not crying over gay pirates

space_alien: fuck you

wannaride: yeah fuck you!!

Massive_Deal: This is not the direction in which I wanted this to go

space_alien: heyyy you should change your name to massive aggression instead of massive deal

wannahang: isn't it supposed to be passive aggression?

wannaride: just watch the show babe

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:28 pm

themeanone: guys capitalism is so hard

themeanone: like not even... just... it's hard

lesbean: bro what happened

shut_up_and_queer: she just got an after school job and it's hitting her that she's gonna have to pay taxes from now until she dies

themeanone: DON'T REMIND ME EVA

shut_up_and_queer: sorry sweetie it's just very very funny to me

themeanone: that's not better!!!

hopelesslosergorl: lol imagine being alive

checkers: can't relate

clarky-boy: sucks to be y'all

themeanone: stoppp i'm gonna cry

shut_up_and_queer: you already did

themeanone: EVA

shut_up_and_queer: I'M SORRY

hopelesslosergorl: no she's not

shut_up_and_queer: yeah no i'm not

themeanone: i feel attacked

space_alien: welcome to my world

toogaytofunction: oh shut up jan we are so nice to you

space_alien: ok but you see the irony of that statement right

calculust: shhhh

calculust: just... shhhh

space_alien: we should start our OWN gc kate

space_alien: lydia too

space_alien: and jared

space_alien: all the scapegoats

yalikejazz?: pshh you are not scapegoats

yalikejazz?: you just happen to be chaotic and need to be contained

ronicaaa: wait a minute janis why was i not included

space_alien: oh sorry i forgot about you

ronicaaa: your own flesh and blood???

space_alien: yeh

ronicaaa: fuck you

space_alien: :-)

themeanone: can we go back to my thing

gothy-teen: no

themeanone: hey!!

space_alien: sorry not sorry

themeanone: you weren't even the one who said it

space_alien: yeah but i thought it

themeanone: fine i don't even wanna be in your seperate gc

space_alien: HEY

calculust: janis?? 

space_alien: mhm

calculust: just... shhhh

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:19 pm

theatre-nerd: guys i'm bored

theatre-nerd: y'all should entertain me

checkers: woah someone's actually texting on here during the day for once

anythingbutwallflower: we text on here during the day all the time

whyamievenheere: i mean it has been weeks i'm pretty sure

theatre-nerd: this is not entertaining enough

checkers: ok ok sorry

checkers: farrah??

hopelesslosergorl: wats the oposite of a feret??

checkers: i knew she'd have one locked and loaded

theatre-nerd: uhh idk

hopelesslosergorl: what?? cmon im trying to figre it out

theatre-nerd: uhh not a ferret??

hopelesslosergorl: no thats stupid

theatre-nerd: you're stupid!!

hopelesslosergorl: wats that got to do w anyrthing

space_alien: an otter!!

checkers: no that's too similar

micheal_sMells: a hippo??

hopelesslosergorl: no!! 

micheal_sMells: what similarities do hippos and ferrets share??

space_alien: i mean

space_alien: four legs? a mouth? two eyes? a lot of things

micheal_sMells: yeah but all animals have those

micheal_sMells: it's not special

space_alien: you're not special

micheal_sMells: oh fuck off

whyamievenheere: a bird maybe??

anythingbutwallflower: that's not similar enough

whyamievenheere: well they're supposed to be opposites!!

anythingbutwallflower: yeah but in order for two things to be opposites they have to be a little bit the same

checkers: explain

anythingbutwallflower: well cement isn't the opposite of coffee because those are just two random things


anythingbutwallflower: that's not... farrah...

hopelesslosergorl: :)

anythingbutwallflower: ANYWAY in order for two things to be opposite they have to be different ends of the same spectrum

anythingbutwallflower: and ferrets and birds are not on the same spectrum

theatre-nerd: says who??

anythingbutwallflower: me

checkers: ah yes that clears things up

checkers: what about a worm??

space_alien: ohhh that's pretty good actually

space_alien: but maybe the opposite shouldn't be an animal?? idk how opposites work

anythingbutwallflower: i just explained it!!

space_alien: oh i wasn't paying attention lemme scroll up

space_alien: oh that does make sense

hopelesslosergorl: im happey with worm

checkers: are we sure they're not too different??

theatre-nerd: i mean

theatre-nerd: they're both long and floppy and they're both animals

theatre-nerd: but pretty much everything else is different

theatre-nerd: i think it counts

hopelesslosergorl: yeh thats wht i was thinnking

anythingbutwallflower: was it?? or did you just want the conversation to be over??

hopelesslosergorl: you cant proove anythingg

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:01 am

gothy-teen: guys i have a super important question

literal_demon: aren't you in class rn

gothy-teen: yeah that's what made me think of it

anythingbutwallflower: ok what is it

gothy-teen: why on earth didn't we just let the south secede during the civil war??

disco-ball: wdym

gothy-teen: i mean like,,, why did we just let the racists leave?? why were we like NO STAY PLEASE

anythingbutwallflower: bro that's such a good point

calculust: i mean there would still have been slavery though if we'd let the south secede

calculust: the US just wouldn't have had control of it 

Alana_Beck: Also, the South DID secede

gothy-teen: right but like you know what i mean

gothy-teen: like why did we fight a war over it

theatre-nerd: i mean yeah i think there's something to be said for having control and therefore ending slavery in both the north and the south

theatre-nerd: bc if the north had said "yeah fine go ahead and secede" then they would have been happy and the south would have been happy but like... there would still have been slavery which is bad

gothy-teen: right right ofc

gothy-teen: but isn't it true that lincoln didn't always say it was a war over slavery

space_alien: yeah but he was lying

space_alien: he said it was a fight to preserve the union and in that sense you're right lydia

space_alien: but it actually was a war over slavery which means that letting the south secede would have been a failure of justice

ronicaaa: damn janis when did you get all smart

space_alien: oh sorry this is cady with janis's phone

space_alien: mrs. norbury caught me texting and took mine away

ronicaaa: that makes a lot more sense

gothy-teen: ok ok cady those are good points BUT

gothy-teen: if the injustice was slavery and we wanted to make sure it was cancelled in the south and the north, why didn't we extend that policy toward literally every other slave country in the world???

literal_demon: i think that part is just because america is self-involved

theatre-nerd: did you just refer to the abolition of slavery  as "cancelled"?

gothy-teen: yeah i forgot the word

literal_demon: i mean it kinda works

theatre-nerd: i... i guess

anythingbutwallflower: american history is literally the stupidest thing

anythingbutwallflower: it's just 200 years worth of white dudes arguing over other people's rights while simultaneously not bothering to care about what's going on anywhere else

macaroni: i mean we did participate in two world wars

anythingbutwallflower: semantics

macaroni: yeah fair

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:02 pm

yalikejazz?: omg y'all the most embarrassing thing just happened to me

yalikejazz?: i was on facetime and my bed just like gave out!! like it collapsed out from under me!!

space_alien: omg that's hilarious

yalikejazz?: no it was terrible!! my bed is broken!

calculust: like broken broken??

yalikejazz?: well the slat thingies fell off and i can't move the mattress by myself to put them back

calculust: you know you're supposed to nail those in right

yalikejazz?: there were no holes to nail them into!!

calculust: thats- THATS NOT HOW NAILS WORK

yalikejazz?: ugh i was trying to complain and y'all are making it difficult

space_alien: sorry sorry

space_alien: you had a traumatic embarrassing experience

calculust: who were you on the phone with

Alana_Beck: Me. It was quite funny

yalikejazz?: alanaaaa

Alana_Beck: At least it was me and not Jared!!

kiNkY: that is very valid

kiNkY: cos i would have made fun of you

a-aron: omg no jared

a-aron: oh wait nvm

a-aron: i thought you were saying cos like cosine for a second

wannaride: in what context...

a-aron: idk brooke i just don't like math

kiNkY: also very valid

calculust: what trig is so easy

a-aron: oh shut up

space_alien: HEY

a-aron: sorry

a-aron: kindly be silent please

space_alien: better 

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:11 pm

rainbow123: it's 11:11 guys make a wish!!

yalikejazz?: i wish i was asleep

rainbow123: don't say it!! it's not gonna come true now

yalikejazz?: i mean it wasn't gonna anyway

space_alien: what why

yalikejazz?: well i wished to be currently asleep and i am not currently asleep so

ronicaaa: guys my online purchase is informing me that it will arrive on time but it won't tell me when on time is

gothy-teen: upon which site was this purchase made??

ronicaaa: well it was an independent site rather than amazon so that's probably why

space_alien: veronica what did you buy

ronicaaa: why would you say that so accusingly!!

space_alien: well you kind of avoided answering what site you used

ronicaaa: i was simply pointing out that i did not contribute to jeff bezo's assholery

macaroni: she bought a box of hair dye from a sketchy website

yalikejazz?: uh oh why


ronicaaa: no

ronicaaa: i was GOING to dye heather chandler's hair whilst she slept but now you've given that away

rainbow123: well

rainbow123: i mean

rainbow123: you didn't HAVE to tell us

ronicaaa: well it's too late now isn't it!!

yalikejazz?: yeah that seems like a you problem

chandelier: real mature veronica

space_alien: was this... provoked? or

ronicaaa: i mean no not really

ronicaaa: i just thought it would be funny

chandelier: well now i feel like i have to retaliate

ronicaaa: wait no i didn't do anything yet!!

chandelier: the 'yet' doesn't make me feel better

chandelier: it's proactive retaliation

chandelier: you'll never see it coming

ronicaaa: look what you've done guys

macaroni: you definitely did this to yourself sweetie

gothy-teen: ^

yalikejazz?: !!

ronicaaa: i hate it here

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:10 pm

discoball: do y'all ever go to call a like freshman person a woman or a man and then just go hmm...

gothy-teen: ok there is SO much context needed here

discoball: ok there's this freshman taylor wedell at my school and i just went to say "oh i love that woman" but then i paused and was like hmm no the she/they is strong in that one

gothy-teen: that actually makes so much sense

discoball: RIGHT thank you

space_alien: "the she/they is strong in that one" pffft

calculust: i mean i think in any context it's weird to call a 14 year old girl a woman

discoball: nooo but like ironically

chandelier: i... what

discoball: guys it's a thing stop yelling at me

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 9:33 pm

micheal_sMells: guessss whatttt

captainoftheteam: what

micheal_sMells: half my kitchen burnt down this morning!!

whyamievenheere: MICHEAL

whyamievenhere: WHAT

micheal_sMells: ik isnt it crazy

themeanone: hello kate here

themeanone: how the fuck did that happen

micheal_sMells: well there was an electrical fire outside that then caught a bag of rags soaked in like oil and stuff on fire

duck: why would there be a bag of rags soaked in oil??

micheal_sMells: idk man we just like hadn't gotten around to it


themeanone: where was this bag of rags

micheal_sMells: in the kitchen!!

duck: gotten around to WHAT tho

micheal_sMells: washing them

duck: right but why were they soaked in oil and in a bag

micheal_sMells: idk i wasn't at the house when it happened

themeanone: and how did the outside electrical fire catch a bag of rags if they were inside

themeanone: oh 

themeanone: when did this happen

micheal_sMells: 5:30

micheal_sMells: my stepsister was the only one there

micheal_sMells: and she didn't wake up

micheal_sMells: so a bunch of hikers had to call 911

whyamievenheere: WHY WEREN'T YOU HOME AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING

micheal_sMells: omg everyone calm down im in the process of moving so i have 2 houses rn

micheal_sMells: this happened at the new one

duck: ok well idk why you're acting like we should have already known this

micheal_sMells: well jeremy shouldve

whyamievenheere: i forgot

micheal_sMells: OMG AND THE BEST PART

micheal_sMells: my stepsister's friend just started a new job as FIRE FIGHTER


captainoftheteam: omg that's so funny

micheal_sMells: ikr isn't that the best story ever

lesbean: idk there's quite a few plot holes

whyamievenheere: and you are down a kitchen now

micheal_sMells: minor details

micheal_sMells: and i didn't know all the plot details!!

micheal_sMells: i'm so sorry

duck: you should be

micheal_sMells: well all i know is that my mother came bursting in yelling


captainoftheteam: that seems unnecessarily dramatic

micheal_sMells: it 'twas

lesbean: you're not using twas correctly

micheal_sMells: twasn't trying to

themeanone: oh fuck off doug judy

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:13 pm

Tree_Boy: YALL

Tree_Boy: so last night at like 9pm i was just like chilling watching tv with my mom right

Tree_Boy: and we started hearing police sirens like downtown

Tree_Boy: but they just kept going!! and then eventually my mom was like "hmm they seem to be turning down our street" and then all of a sudden they were RIGHT THE FUCK THERE and driving RIGHT PAST OUR HOUSE

Tree_Boy: so we went outside to see what's going on and there were two ambulances and two cop cars like less than a full block away!! but it was over a hill so we couldn't quite see what was going on

Tree_Boy: and then today i was reading the latest police reports and there was one about a STABBING


Tree_Boy: well no actually apparently it was just a house fire

Tree_Boy: but i thought there was!!!

alyssa_greeene: aw darn

lesbean: darn??? that there wasn't a stabber at his house???

chandelier: love that we've all just accepted stabber as a real word

duck: and that "less than a block away" equals at his house

alyssa_greeene: i mean close enough

checkers: i'm sorry i'm still hung up on the fact that there was a stabber

clarky-boy: i mean surely you're familiar with the concept of stabbing by now chess

checkers: shut up dead boy!

clarky-boy: you're literally dead too!!

Tree_Boy: oh the stabby guy isn't dead

duck: well obviously the guy with the knife is fine

Tree_Boy: noo that's the stabber. stabby guy is victim

duck: oh right obviously continue

Tree_Boy: stabby guy was taken home in an ambulance after some dude leaving a fancy restaurant called the cops

chandelier: oh no poor dude

Tree_Boy: ikr apparently he just walked out and there was some guy bleeding in the street 

Tree_Boy: his wife walked out thirty seconds later and found him kneeling in a pool of random dude's blood

duck: OH NO

duck: imagine you leave your husband alone for thirty seconds and he's just immediately covered in blood

Horse_Gorl: happened to me

clarky-boy: technically i wasn't your husband

Horse_Gorl: same difference

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:40 pm

yalikejazz?: hot girl summer bleep bloop

yalikejazz?: what's everyone up to

lesbean: i've decided to read all of jane austen's books this summer

yalikejazz?: ew that sounds horrible

lesbean: what why??

yalikejazz?: that's so boring!!!!

space_alien: you're so boring!!!

space_alien: she's right though

lesbean: what's wrong with jane austen

space_alien: nothing it just makes my brain hurt

alyssa_greeene: em didn't we have to read some of those for school anyway

lesbean: yeah but i... didn't

lesbean: so i'm making up for it now

alyssa_greeene: ah yes naturally

calculust: it seems counter productive to read the books after you've already failed the class

lesbean: no one said i failed!!

yalikejazz?: ...did you

lesbean: i plead the fifth

alysaa:greeene: she did

lesbean: alyssa!!!!

alyssa_greeene: sorry it seemed relevant

lesbean: well for the record you're wrong

lesbean: i got a d+


alyssa_greeene: not the takeaway i was hoping for

space_alien: i mean considering her reading list i think her brain is gonna be just fine

lesbean: FUCK YEAH

alyssa_greeene: there's no way she's gonna make it through more than two chapters

lesbean: it's the thought that counts

calculust: but does it though

lesbean: oh my god just let me have this

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:33 pm

gothy-teen: guys settle a debate

Massive_Deal: Uh oh

gothy-teen: what would the plural of starbucks be

discoball: uh i think it's just starbucks

macaroni: yeah or starbuckses since its a proper noun

gothy-teen: noooo there is only one correct answer and it is starbi

lesbean: oh that is more fun


literal_demon: i'm not saying its not fun i'm just saying it's wrong

gothy-teen: well that was never part of the discussion

Massive_Deal: Um I feel like that's a very important factor

macaroni: yeah lydia i gotta say you're the wrong one

gothy-teen: yeah but i'm also the funny one

lesbean: she's not wrong

literal_demon: no but she is tho that's the whole point

lesbean: i meant about the funny part

literal_demon: she's also not that funny

gothy-teen: HEY 

gothy-teen: starbi is just funner

macaroni: not a word, neither of those are words

gothy-teen: shut UP mac

ronicaaa: HEY

gothy-teen: sorry sorry

Massive_Deal: When I heard starbi I don't think of Starbucks


space_alien: no offense ronnie but there are like twelve bisexuals in this chat and you are certainly not the best one


space_alien: sorry

calculust: am i the star bi janis

space_alien: yes

calculust: yayyy

ronicaaa: i am shocked and offended

space_alien: you can be a star bi too

calculust: hang on there can't be two i wanna be special

space_alien: is there a way for me to win this interaction

ronicaaa: nope

calculust: nope

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:51 pm

alyssa_greeene: GUYS


micheal_sMells: omg tell us everything

alyssa_greeene: i was at the tennis club taking a shower but when i got in the floor was so slippery that i slipped and went flying and landed on my back!! ya know how like in cartoons when people fall and their feet go flying over their head??? that litterally happened and to top it all off there was this old lady there the whole time who saw everything!!! it was so painful and embarassing omfg

yalikejazz?: BAHAHA that's literally the funniest thing ever

Alana_Beck: Oh my goodness are you okay?

alyssa_greeene: physically yes

alyssa_greeene: mentally no

idiot: i love how zoe's reaction was mean laughter and then alana is like an actual good friend

yalikejazz?: oh fuck off she said she's fine

idiot: what if she wasn't tho

yalikejazz?: well then i wouldn't have laughed!!!

idiot: but you didn't know she was ok when you said that

yalikejazz?: well if she wasn't ok she probably wouldn't have typed it out in a groupchat with like 70 people

calculust: maybe we let alyssa speak for herself??

alyssa_greeene: no no i want to see who wins

micheal_sMells: i'm sorry i feel like we're really blowing past the fact that she was at the TENNIS club?? who the fuck goes to the tennis club???

alyssa_greeene: i do what's not clicking

micheal_sMells: i'm not crazy guys that's funny right

idiot: i mean it is sort of an old person thing

alyssa_greeene: i like tennis guys!!!

idiot: yeah but. it's an old person thing

lesbean: you're only saying that bc you haven't seen her in a tennis skirt

idiot: emma i literally have a boyfriend

lesbean: i'm just saying

alyssa_greeene: babe don't do this rn please


lesbean: oh my god that was so jarring


idiot: oh my dad's car does that

space_alien: WHAT

toogaytofunction: honey i think that's pretty common knowledge

space_alien: i just learned this today!!

space_alien: do a lot of cars do this????

calculust: yeah i think so

calculust: how did you find this out

space_alien: i saw it on tv

calculust: ah yes of course you did

space_alien: my mind is literally blown guys

lesbean: idk how you managed to not know that

space_alien: well my mom's car is like ancient

lesbean: not that i think about it tho it is sort of weird

lesbean: like couldn't someone just come steal it while you're still inside??

alyssa_greeene: well it doesn't UNLOCK it that would just be stupid

lesbean: well idk!!

lesbean: i feel like it doesn't take that long to just walk over and start it

calculust: right but like the point is to start the AC or something while you're still getting ready

calculust: like when it's winter and the windshield is frosted over? you don't have to wait

lesbean: idkkk it seems unnecessary

space_alien: all the coolest things in life are unnecessary

calculust: i... ok, janis

space_alien: ;)

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:43pm

gothy-teen: teehee 

gothy-teen: ehehehe

gothy-teen: skssalfhkldfap

duck: um hello

bicon: bestie are you good

literal_demon: she's drunk

macaroni: how did that happen??

chandelier: well heather i imagine she drank alcohol

macaroni: ok heather you know what

chandelier: what

macaroni: idk but when i figure it out...

chandelier: what

macaroni: IDK

gothy-teen: skaojskaap

bicon: are you having fun lydia

gothy-teen: yesh

gothy-teen: hey i just invveted a wored

gothy-teen: yeshhh

macaroni: was that not just a typo

gothy-teen: thats not rlelevent

gothy-teen: but its like a conamaof

gothy-teen: choam

gothy-teen: combo

gothy-teen: betwen yes and yeah

bicon: respectfully, no it's not

gothy-teen: yesh huh

macaroni: do i understand what she means? yes. do i agree? not even slightly

gothy-teen: you gusy aere mean

literal_demon: lydia go to sleep

gothy-teen: its not efen four pm

literal_demon: eh worth a shot

literal_demon: lydia go make me a sandwich

gothy-teen: idk how eo meake a sandwich

literal_demon: you- what

gothy-teen: goodnight

literal_demon: but you just said you weren't going to sleep!!

gothy-teen: i can change me mind!!

duck: me mind sksljaklap

gothy-teen: >:((((

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:51 pm

theatre-nerd: guys i think my mom just met the protagonist of either a thriller novel or a quirky YA romcom

lesbean: omg tell us everything

theatre-nerd: ok so this woman, according to my mother, is “very normal-seeming”

theatre-nerd: however

theatre-nerd: not only works in a morgue

theatre-nerd: she lives

theatre-nerd: above

theatre-nerd: the morgue

theatre-nerd: in the apartment above where the dead bodies are kept you guys

theatre-nerd: she lives there

theatre-nerd: rent free as long as she helps prepare the bodies

theatre-nerd: but she’s a perfectly normal-seeming woman apparently

theatre-nerd: who goes to pole dancing class with my mother on wednesdays

theatre-nerd: what is even happening

lesbean: you're kidding

theatre-nerd: i am not

literal_demon: that is the most made-up shit i've ever heard

gothy-teen: beetlejuice you're an immortal demon man

literal_demon: yeah but i don't live next to dead bodies i'm not a psychopath

lesbean: i mean idk it seems like a decent enough set up

literal_demon: dead!! bodies!!

lesbean: but free rent tho!!

literal_demon: jesus christ capitalism really does ruin everyone's perspectives huh

lesbean: it does indeed

space_alien: i could kinda vibe with it too

literal_demon: good lord you guys are scary

gothy-teen: again. bj. demon from hell. is what you are.

literal_demon: this is WEIRD tho lydia

gothy-teen: it's not THAT weird like. the morgue is a business. people live above businesses all the time

literal_demon: DEAD BODIES

gothy-teen: OH GROW UP

theatre-nerd: i am oddly comfortable with the atmosphere i've created here tonight

literal_demon: great so you're a psycho too

alyssa_greeene: hang on hang on can we back up to the part where christine's mom goes to pole dancing class? because

lesbean: yeahhh i was gonna say

space_alien: "perfectly normal woman who goes to pole dancing class" oxymoron sorry had to be said

theatre-nerd: idk what to tell you guys it's the truth

gothy-teen: honestly i think that's the best part of this whole thing

gothy-teen: like woman lives in a morgue. sure. we expect some weird cranky old lady. but woman goes to pole dancing class?? this is fascinating. we are intrigued. why does a young stripper lady live in a morgue??

theatre-nerd: i didn't say she was a stripper and i didn't say she was young

gothy-teen: but...

theatre-nerd: she's not a stripper

gothy-teen: how old is she

theatre-nerd: twenty-five

gothy-teen: SEEEE this is great i want this to become a book

theatre-nerd: you should write it then

gothy-teen: oh fuck no i'm far too lazy. thanks tho

theatre-nerd: i don't know what other response i could possibly have expected

Chapter Text

The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:29 pm

lesbean: guys HELP what's a good symbol to represent ignorance

chandelier: your face

space_alien: HA

lesbean: mature of you

chandelier: thanks

lesbean: i have to make a thingy for school

alyssa_greeene: oh yeah mine was irony

lesbean: what did you do for it???

alyssa_greeene: i drew trees!!

alyssa_greeene: get it??


alyssa_greeene: cuz i drew it on paper?? and it's trees??

lesbean: ohhh that's good

space_alien: i still don't get it

chandelier: janis. where does paper come from??

space_alien: trees???

chandelier: and we wait...

space_alien: OH I GET IT

space_alien: very good alyssa 10/10

lesbean: GUYS back to my problem

lesbean: should i do sheep??

space_alien: sheep??

chandelier: oh my god someone help her

lesbean: like cuz sheep means like someone who follows blindly right?? ignorance??

space_alien: ohhhh yes good 10/10

lesbean: i think it would make me feel better if i got confirmation from someone other than janis

chandelier: yes its good emma

lesbean: yayyy lyssa will you draw it for me

alyssa_greeene: what why

lesbean: cuz idk how to draw sheep

alyssa_greeene: babygirl

alyssa_greeene: it's a cloud with legs

alyssa_greeene: you can manage

lesbean: and a head!!!

alyssa_greeene: you can draw dogs tho!! the head is basically the same

lesbean: you better be right about that

space_alien: she's definitely not

alyssa_greeene: janis shut up i don't wanna have to do extra homework

lesbean: hey!!!

alyssa_greeene: teeheee love you

lesbean: good lord

lesbean: i love you too