space_alien has created the server
space_alien has named the server The Ultimate Groupchat
space_alien: sup folks
space_alien: everyone say their name pronouns and sexuality
space_alien: i'm janis she/her pronouns and i'm gay as fuck
Massive_Deal: Nice word choice. I'm Regina and I'm a lesbian so I use she/her pronouns
calculust: i'm cady!!! i use she/her pronouns and i'm bisexual
a-aron: aaron he/him bisexual
toogaytofunction: i'm damian, he/him pronouns and uh. what the username says
discoball: gretchen she/her pan
mynameiskaren: karen she/they and idk i just like gretchen ;-)
discoball: aw thx babe <3
lesbean: i'm emma and i'm a lesbian
alyssa_greeene: i'm alyssa and i'm also a lesbian
gothy-teen: lydia she/her and uhhh girls
Tree_Boy: i'm evan he/him anxiety
kiNkY: anxiety isn't a sexuality dumbass
Tree_Boy: fine bisexual
kiNkY: i'm the insanely cool jared kleinman i use he/him pronouns and i'm gayyyyy
idc: connor he/him demigay
zoeee: Zoe she/her bisexual
Alana_Beck: My name is Alana Beck, I’m a pansexual female.
theyellowone: hi everyone! im heather mcnamara, I use she/her pronouns and im a lesbian
thegreenone: heather duke she/her ace
theredone: I’m Heather Chandler, my pronouns are she/her, and I’m a lesbian.
ronicaaa: heather your username looks like there done lol
theredone has changed their username to the_red_one
ronicaaa: aw you ruined it :-(
ronicaaa: anyway I’m veronica im bisexual and I use she/her pronouns
toogaytofunction: wait a hot second
toogaytofunction: you’re all named heather???
theyellowone: it’s about as confusing as it sounds
the_red_one: That's why we have these usernames. Heather M wears yellow, Heather D wears green, and I wear red.
a-aron: all the time? those are the only colors you wear?
space_alien: it's their aesthetic
space_alien: ronnie wears blue
Massive_Deal: That's... interesting.
space_alien: any more introductions?
rainbow123: just me! i'm martha, i use she/her pronouns, and i'm ace
space_alien: cool beans
Massive_Deal: Janis, how the actual fuck do you know all these people?
space_alien: i spend a lot of time dming random ppl ok
space_alien: veronica's my cousin, the heathers and martha are her friends. emma is caddy's cousin, alyssa's her gf. evan is damian's cousin, zoe alana connor and jared are his friends. oh, and zoe and connor are brother and sister. and um. lydia is this girl that i definitely didn't hook up with once at a party in sophmore year and have been texting ever since
gothy-teen: she's lying we definitely did do that lol
space_alien: but we're just friends now
space_alien: in case anyone was wondering
toogaytofunction: she means you cady
space_alien: whatttt no i don't that's crazyyy
the_red_one: This sounds like something we're gonna hear about later. But I just need to make sure I have this right: not a single person here is straight??? How is that possible? Also why so many cousins?
ronicaaa: gay cousins have deep emotional connections man idk what to tell u
the_red_one: Fair enough.
space_alien: also how dare you imply that any of us would ever be friends with straight people
toogaytofunction: like, i support the hets,,, but i just don't like it when they have to show their affection in public, ya know?
lesbean: right! like we already gave them the right to get married, what more do they want
alyssa_greeene: omg ikr! it's so annoying
idc: i hate it when they make it their entire personality
zoeee: it's ridiculous! like i support their lifestyle, it just makes me kind of uncomfortable
gothy-teen: i just don't think i could ever be friends with one, like it's too weird
kiNkY: i mean i think i could, just as long as she didn't get a crush on ME or anything weird like that
calculust: omg yes i hate it when straight guys get crushes on me! it's so weird!
space_alien: um caddy you're bi shouldn't that not matter
calculust: :-0000 i'm offended that you think my standards are low enough to date a straight guy
space_alien: you dated aaron???
space_alien: oh sorry i forgot you're bi
a-aron: I Am Hurt
ronicaaa: way to go, jan
toogaytofunction: you broke aaron
a-aron: actually i was already broken lol
discoball: wait hold up
discoball: we don't all live in chicago do we?
Tree_Boy: nah jared connor zoe alana and i live in upstate new york
lesbean: alyssa and i are from indiana
a-aron: sooo no group sleepovers then
the_red_one: What a tragedy. I don't ever have to be cooped up with these people overnight. How ever will I continue living?
theyellowone: heather!!! be nice >:-(
the_red_one: Right. Nice controls now engaged.
ronicaaa: how did someone this nerdy ever become head of the popular clique?
the_red_one: The same way you got into it. By selling my soul.
space_alien: what soul?
calculust: knew she'd say it
space_alien: sorry couldn't resist
toogaytofunction: you never can smh
space_alien: ...shut up
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:00 am
calculust: i have a question
calculust: actually it’s really just for janis and lydia but
kiNkY: i have been clickbaited
calculust: sorry jared
space_alien: helloooo everyone can calm down now im here
kiNkY: no one was at all concerned but ok
space_alien: shut up jared
space_alien: what’s your question caddy
calculust: how did you and lydia meet if she lives in connecticut??? you said you met at a party but that doesn’t make sense
gothy-teen: oh oh can i answer this please janis?
gothy-teen: ok so my dad had to take a work trip to chicago and he wouldn’t let me stay home alone so i had to come with, and i was really mad at him for making me come so I decided to sneak out one night and go to a party that I’d heard some local kids talking about and *drumroll* the party was at regina’s house and janis was there
Massive_Deal: How did I not know that some goth chick crashed my party?
gothy-teen: ummm idk youre just dumb ig
space_alien: hahaaa she’s right you totally are
Massive_Deal: Shut up.
toogaytofunction: um why is no one asking the most important question here????
kiNkY: which is???
toogaytofunction: what the fuck was janis doing at regina’s party
lesbean: wait im confused why is it weird that janis was at regina’s party
calculust: bc janis and regina hated each other until last year
Massive_Deal: It’s a long story that kinda makes me look bad, so we don’t need to get into that right now.
alyssa_greeene: now im scared
space_alien: ummm i definitely wasn’t at that party bc i was bored and wanted a hookup and it seemed like the best place to find one nope that’s definitely not what happened
gothy-teen: haha she’s lying that’s totally what happened
space_alien: would you stop doing that???
gothy-teen: lol nope
idc: so basically what im getting here is that janis is kind of a slut
space_alien: no he’s right i am lol
space_alien: anyway that’s the story caddy
toogaytofunction: any particular reason you were wondering, cady? ;-)))
calculust: um idk what the winky face is about but it just occurred to me this morning
toogaytofunction: useless lesbians
calculust:??? im bi??? and idk what you’re talking about???
toogaytofunction: if you don’t know im not gonna tell you
ronicaaa: sup y’all i just woke up
ronicaaa: lol what time jan
gothy-teen: the fuck is happening?
space_alien: ronnie and i have a long standing disagreement about which of us is lazier
ronicaaa: every weekend we have to text each other the time we woke up and whoever woke up first has to venmo the other ten bucks
Massive_Deal: Wait, so waking up later is better?
Massive_Deal: That doesn’t make sense.
ronicaaa: yes it does
space_alien: we both want the title of the family fuck-up and laziness is the only thing that we haven’t divided out
alyssa_greeene: you... want to be the disappointment?
ronicaaa: yeah it’s fun
theyellowone: you’re not a fuck-up ronnie
ronicaaa: mac! yes i am!
theyellowone: not to me
ronicaaa: thx babe but that’s rly not helping my case here
the_red_one: Wait. You guys are dating?
theyellowone: yep :-)
space_alien: how did i not know this????
ronicaaa: we’re sneaky like that
space_alien: but you’re supposed to tell me everything!!! it’s in the gay cousin code of conduct!!!
ronicaaa: a., im bi, b., there’s no such thing, and c., you still refuse to tell me who you have a crush on
calculust: you didn’t tell me you had a crush!!!
toogaytofunction: lol ik who it is
space_alien: shut thwnq lend north’s
space_alien: shrt the fuck yoer mouths
space_alien: ronnie you will pay for this
ronicaaa: hm somehow i don’t think i will
space_alien: fuck off
The Ultimate Group Chat, 4:17 am
space_alien: helloooo folks
toogaytofunction: it's four in the morning why the fuck are u guys up rn
gothy-teen: umm time difference it's five am for me
toogaytofunction: i don't think ur making the point u think ur making
toogaytofunction: and what about you jan
space_alien: i n s o m n i a
toogaytofunction: good lord
gothy-teen: i mean ur up too so you can't really talk
space_alien: boom roasted
toogaytofunction: that's because i didn't do my french homework
space_alien: wait fuck we had french hw
kiNkY: wow y'all still do your homework? i stopped doing that a longgggg time ago
Tree_Boy: and hows that working out for u jared
kiNkY: i want to say great but i feel like thats not the answer ur looking for
ronicaaa: hahaaa janissss
ronicaaa: ten bucks
space_alien: um no
space_alien: no!!! i never went to bed so it doesn't count
ronicaaa: i think it does
space_alien: well you're awake too sooo
kiNkY: ooh burn
ronicaaa: fuck off jared
kiNkY: everyone is so mean to me
space_alien: shut up jared
space_alien: ronnie i think you owe me ten bucks
ronicaaa: what if i told you that i never went to bed either
space_alien: the way that you phrased that makes me feel like you're lying
ronicaaa: ugh fine
space_alien: yesssss finally
space_alien: ten bucks babyyyy
ronicaaa: why did i agree to this stupid thing
space_alien: uhh it was your idea
ronicaaa: oh yeah
space_alien: oh no
calculust: we had a deal!!!
space_alien: im sorry i couldn't sleep!!!
calculust: well from the sound of it you didn't even try
Tree_Boy: umm whats happening
toogaytofunction: cady doesn't like it that janis doesn't sleep so they made a deal that every time she catches janis awake after midnight janis has to do her a favor
Tree_Boy: why does cady care whether janis sleeps
calculust: bc she's annoying as fuck when shes tired
toogaytofunction: that's not the real reason but cady will kill me if i tell you what it is
calculust: stfu damian
calculust: hmmm what shall my favor be
toogaytofunction: i have some ideas
calculust: i said stfu damian!!!
gothy-teen: i was just gonna watch tv all night but this is so much more interesting
toogaytofunction>>>calculust, 4:23 am
toogaytofunction: pls just do it caddy
toogaytofunction: i'm begging u
calculust: i'm just gonna pretend that i don't know what you're talking about
calculust: stop calling me that
toogaytofunction: oh so it's ok when janis does it but not when i do???
calculust: um... yes?
toogaytofunction: ha! i rest my case
calculust: which is what?
toogaytofunction: you know what
calculust: would you pls stop being so cryptic? its getting annoying
toogaytofunction: so is you pretending that you don’t know exactly what i mean
calculust: that grammar was truly appalling
toogaytofunction: wanna guess how much i care?
toogaytofunction: look, it’s your life, do what u want. i just want you to be happy and i think this could be really good but if you don’t want to you don’t have to
The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:27 am
calculust: um so
calculust: i know what janis’s favor is gonna be
kiNkY: ooh yay
calculust: you have to go on a date with me
ronicaaa: OH SNAP
space_alien: that’s not a favor
space_alien: that’s a privilege
ronicaaa: DOUBLE SNAP
space_alien: ronnie stop killing the vibe
ronicaaa: sorry it’s what i do best
space_alien: yeah ofc
space_alien: ive been in love with you since like the beginning of junior year
ronicaaa: HA I KNEW IT
space_alien: ronnie!!! what did i just say??
ronicaaa: that you love cady?
space_alien: no the other... oh nvm
calculust: umm jan
calculust: ive been in love with you since like,,, the first time i saw you sooo
kiNkY: wow we got some really useless lesbians over here
space_alien: shut up jared
calculust: im bi but go off ig
gothy-teen: lol i knew y’all liked each other
space_alien: seriously?? how??
gothy-teen: i know everything
gothy-teen: also you drunk-texted me about it
space_alien: i did???
ronicaaa: wow good job janis
space_alien: ok i'm just gonna go die now
calculust: nooo it's cute
toogaytofunction: hey caddy???
toogaytofunction: i told you so
calculust: oh fuck you
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:32 pm
discoball: do y'all ever just want to,,, have someone else's life
Tree_Boy: um yes all the time
discoball: not like in an i-hate-myself/my life-i-wish-i-was-someone-else way tho
discoball: i mean like, do you ever wish you could be yourself but like be living the way that someone else is living bc it looks super fun
alyssa_greeene: omg yes ik exactly what you mean!!!
discoball: thank you!!! regina is not getting it
Massive_Deal: Because it makes no sense!!!
toogaytofunction: regina's just saying that bc she literally has the best life ever
Massive_Deal: I do not- well actually, yeah, I kind of do.
ronicaaa: it makes sense to me
discoball: see!!! it does make sense!!!
Massive_Deal: I still don't get it. If it's not that you hate your own life, why would you want someone else's?
discoball: karen? babe? help me out?
mynameiskaren: with what???
discoball: oh nevermind
calculust: no i get it gretch
a-aron: me too! like you see the things that people are doing in a show or video or something and ur like oh that looks fun i wish i could be living a life like that
discoball: EXACTLY THANK YOU AARON I LOVE U
discoball: platonically babe don't worry
a-aron: yep that's me, everyone just loves me platonically
space_alien: oh no y'all broke aaron
a-aron: i keep trying to tell u guys i'm already broken but ok
zoeee: wait hold up can everyone please recap all of the relationships here? i'm struggling to keep track
the_red_one: janis/cady, gretchen/karen, emma/alyssa, veronica/heather m, and evan/connor
Tree_Boy: um no connor and i aren't dating
thegreenone: you're not? i was totally getting that vibe
gothy-teen: how were you getting that vibe? connor's literally said like three words since this chat was created
thegreenone: idk it just kinda makes sense
idc: i mean i've said 23 words but go off i guess
Tree_Boy: ...this is awkward
idc: no it's not
idc: i like ur company
idc: ur sweet
discoball: was that-
space_alien: a b99 reference???
zoeee: this is the proudest goddamned moment of my life
idc: also evan wanna go out with me
thegreenone: I KNEW IT
zoeee: wow this is incredible
Massive_Deal: Two relationships formed in less that twenty-four hours. Impressive.
space_alien: this groupchat is literal magic idk what else to tell you
Alana_Beck: Guys! Stop texting in class! We're all going to get in trouble!
space_alien: umm i'm not in class
gothy-teen: TiMe diFfErEnCe yaLL
discoball: oh yeahhhh
kiNkY: alana just got detention for texting in class
zoeee: oh no!!!! alana!!!
idc: zoe stop pretending to be nice i can see u laughing
gothy-teen: oof way to out her connor
space_alien: i take back what i said about this chat being magic
space_alien: it's absolutely satanic
space_alien: and i love it
two posts in one day y'all
i clearly have too much time on my hands
TW for referenced homophobia
The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:04 pm
alyssa_greeene: i hate group projects
zoeee: doesn't everyone
Alana_Beck: I don't!
zoeee: you like everything about school tho
Alana_Beck: That is accurate.
alyssa_greeene: i'm at this dude's house rn working on a group project and i'm pretty sure he's asleep
space_alien: haha mood
Massive_Deal: At least you don't have to pretend to include him in the project.
alyssa_greeene: no that's the problem
alyssa_greeene: i literally have no idea what's going on
lesbean: wait is this for mr. creel's class
alyssa_greeene: yeah :-(((
gothy-teen: who's mr. creel?
lesbean: i mean,,, he's probably not the most homophobic person on earth,,, but he's gotta be in at least the top ten
alyssa_greeene: he always makes a point of giving me and em bad grades
lesbean: a couple months ago i wrote literally the perfect essay and he gave me a D
calculust: don't say it jan
space_alien: but i reeeeeeallyyyyy want to
calculust: i will Break Up With You
space_alien: ok ok i wont
alyssa_greeene: we've tried to go to the principal about it but mr. creel has never been openly homophobic so there's nothing he can do
Tree_Boy: oof that sounds awful
lesbean: it is
gothy-teen: you should like,,, record him saying something homophobic to you or something
calculust: how would they do that?
gothy-teen: idk i didn't think it through very hard
space_alien: who here thinks group projects suck?
calculust: umm but what if it's with people you like
calculust: like... people make friends in group projects
space_alien: yeah but group projects aren't the only way of making friends
calculust: but it's a good way
space_alien: fine, if you get to pick who you work with, group projects are great
toogaytofunction: yeah but then you don't get work done
toogaytofunction: e.g. when me and janis almost blew up the science room
space_alien: omg that was one time and it was totally your fault
toogaytofunction: it was not and my point still stands
Alana_Beck: I think that group projects are a fantastic way to bond with your acquaintances and split up the work of what would otherwise be a daunting assignment!
gothy-teen: do you have to be on all the time?
gothy-teen: it's exhausting
Alana_Beck: I've been told.
zoeee: lydia don't bully her
gothy-teen: sorry sorry
gothy-teen: my friend and i always talk like that to each other so
space_alien: which friend?
gothy-teen: um... you don't know him
space_alien: can i meet him?
gothy-teen: you'd never recover
space_alien: i'm already broken tho so...
a-aron: hey!!!! that's my line!!! don't steal my brand!!!!!!
space_alien: lol i knew you'd say that
a-aron: oh fuck you
calculust: i don't understand this relationship
space_alien: it's the kind of bond that only people who have dated cady heron can have
calculust: but i'm cady heron so shouldn't i be able to figure it out?
a-aron: nope doesn't work that way
space_alien: no babe it's ok don't be sad
space_alien: babyyyyy noooo ily
lesbean: wow i'm loving the soft gay energy in this chat
alyssa_greeene: baby why are we not like that
lesbean: like what?
alyssa_greeene: like all soft and cute!!!
lesbean: um i am offended
lesbean: we spent 90% of last year fighting for our relationship how is that not romantic
lesbean: ok fine ily sooooo much and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, how's that?
lesbean: you're so weird
lesbean: BUT I LOVE YOU
a-aron: meanwhile me just over here chillin bc i'm single
calculust: aw poor aaron
alyssa_greeene: while i feel bad for aaron and all, can we go back to my thing?
gothy-teen: which thing?
alyssa_greeene: the group project!!! what do i do?
lesbean: i say don't even try, mr. creel is gonna fail you anyway sooo
alyssa_greeene: that feels like giving in tho
space_alien: pick your poison
alyssa_greeene: ugh fine
alyssa_greeene: but if i write i good paper and he still fails me that's evidence against him
gothy-teen: but that'd be more work for u
alyssa_greeene: but i could maybe get him fired
lesbean: ooh i like that
alyssa_greeene: aight let's do it
a-aron: alyssa said gay rights!!!
alyssa_greeene: hell yeah
alyssa_greeene: i still have no idea how to do the project tho
space_alien: welp can't help u with that
calculust: yeah sorry
a-aron: yeah me either
lesbean: sorry babe you're on your own on this one
alyssa_greeene: well fuck
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:40pm
space_alien: guysss help
kiNky: don't worry the insanely cool jared kleinman is here to help
space_alien: ok so
space_alien: what the fuck is an angstrom??? my math homework makes no sense
kiNkY: oh it's math? nvm then i can't help u
space_alien: caddy? help me pls?
caddy: ummm sorry babe i have no idea what that is
toogaytofunction: uh oh
toogaytofunction: if cady doesn't know...
space_alien: i'm screwed
Massive_Deal: Why are you doing your homework at lunch anyway, Janis?
caddy: she forgot to do it and she has math next period
space_alien: none of this would be happening if SOMEONE hadn't convinced me to go into the hard math class instead of the one that LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE takes
caddy: i didn't convince you to do anything!!! in fact i specifically suggested that you NOT take the hard one bc you were already struggling and i can only tutor so many people and you said "fuck you i do what i want"
space_alien: i have no recollection of any of that
caddy: how convenient
space_alien: are y'all seeing this? this is verbal abuse!!!
caddy: oh please you're fine
toogaytofunction: you saw it here first, folks! dysfunction 101!!!
space_alien: we are not dysfunctional!!!!
caddy: yeah you're just jealous because you know that any relationship you ever have will never live up to ours
toogaytofunction: i don't... oh whatever
caddy: dw i still love you jan <3
space_alien: aww ily too
zoeee: we should have a cutest couples contest
Tree_Boy: ooh yeah
a-aron: some of us are still single and lonely
caddy: oh my GOD i can't listen to this anymore
caddy: aaron, damian likes you. ask him out. and then you can stop whining about your loneliness
caddy: sorry but its basically what you did to me and janis
toogaytofunction: but i didn't fucking tell her that you liked her! even tho it was totally obvious and she should have figured it out herself but she's just stupid!!!
toogaytofunction: sorry, lashing out
a-aron: guys everyone chill it's fine
toogaytofunction: NO IT'S NOT- wait it is???
a-aron: yeah lol
a-aron: i like you too
caddy: hahaaaa you're welcome bitchesss
toogaytofunction: shut up cady
toogaytofunction: you're becoming janis and i don't like it
space_alien: ?????? mean????
toogaytofunction: sorry jan ily
ronicaaa: are aaron and damian a thing now?
caddy: it would appear so
space_alien: i'm still mad that everyone is insulting me!!!!! in case anyone was wondering
caddy: it's ok babe we love you
zoeee: i still think we should have a cutest couples contest
a-aron: nooo it shouldn't be a competition
space_alien: damn straight it wouldn't even be close
caddy: *high fives*
space_alien: i may not be able to do math but we would definitely win this competition
Massive_Deal: Time for class, Janis. How did that homework go for you?
space_alien: s h i t
The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:03 am
the_red_one: it’s one in the fucking morning what could you possibly want from me at this hour
the_yellow_one: heather be nice i wanna know
zoeee: me too
alyssa_greeene: what is it lydia
gothy-teen: anything is a boomerang if you throw it upward
the_red_one: oh good lord
gothy-teen: also,,, an apple a day,,,
toogaytofunction: dammit lydia i thought it was gonna be something life-changing
gothy-teen: damian!!! you ruined it!!!
toogaytofunction: i did?
gothy-teen: yeah!!! and it is life changing you fuck
the_yellow_one: hey!!! be nice
gothy-teen ok nobody interrupt me this time
alyssa_greeene: wait finish the apple a day
zoeee: she was trying to
gothy-teen: yes thank you zoe
the_red_one: does it have to be in a line???
gothy-teen: YES ITS PART OF THE EFFECT OK
the_red_one: ok ok jesus
gothy-teen: A GOODAMNED APPLE A DAY,,,
gothy-teen: f u c k typo ruins it
gothy-teen: lemme try one more tome
gothy-teen: an apple a day,,,
gothy-teen: will keep anyone away,,,
gothy-teen: if you throw it hard enough
gothy-teen: there i did it
space_alien: oh i’ve heard that before lol
toogaytofunction: i can’t believe i paused my movie for this
gothy-teen:GRRRR JANIS WHY HAVE YOU ALREADY HEARD ALL MY GOOD JOKES ITS NOT OK THIS IS MY PRIMARY COMEDY SOURCE AND YOU ARE MESSING IT UP
space_alien: ahaha u gotta find jokes I haven’t heard lyds
gothy-teen: you’ve heard all the jokes!!! it’s that stupid lmao app you have
space_alien: lol yeah
gothy-teen: oh fuck you
the_yellow_one: guys!!! be!!! nice!!!
gothy-teen: sorry heather it’s just not in our nature
gothy-teen: GUYS OMG
the_red_one: what now???
gothy-teen: mistletoe but instead of kissing you have to fight whoever else is under it
space_alien: omg that’s actually such a good idea
the_yellow_one: guys,,, that’s not,,,
toogaytofunction: forget it heather ur fighting a losing battle
the_red_one: lydia that’s so smart
gothy-teen: thank you!!! it was my friend’s idea and we told my other friends but they didn’t like it
space_alien: that’s dumb
gothy-teen: hey!!! no one calls adam and barbara dumb!!! i mean i do all the time but im the only one!!!
space_alien: whoa ok
toogaytofunction: but going back to the mistletoe thing,,, what if u end up under it with some sumo wrestler and they beat u to death?
gothy-teen: better avoid the mistletoe then
space_alien: when do i get to meet these friends of yours???
gothy-teen: you know what fine
gothy-teen has added literal_demon to the server
literal_demon: sup sluts
literal_demon: lydia what is this
gothy-teen: it’s a discord server you uncultured swine
literal_demon: i meant like whos on here but go off ig
space_alien: helloooo, i am janis sarkisian, former hookup of lydia’s. this is my collection of gays
literal_demon: sounds chaotic
literal_demon: wait hold up lydia you hooked up with a girl???
gothy-teen: beetlejuice, we’ve been over this. i am a lesbian.
literal_demon: i thought you were an american
gothy-teen: that’s not... oh whatever
the_red_one: wait, your name is beetlejuice? that’s kind of a stupid name
literal_demon: it’s my middle name
literal_demon: my full name is lawrence beetlejuice shoggoth
gothy-teen: not rly helping your case buddy
space_alien: lmao your parents must have hated you if they gave you that name
literal_demon: my mom is evil personified, so yeah
gothy-teen: ... anyway
the_red_one: what about your other friends, lydia? the ones that didn’t like the fighting mistletoe idea
literal_demon: WHY WOULD SOMEONE NOT LIKE THAT IDEA, ITS LITERALLY SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN KISSING, KISSING IS GROSS, YOU JUST MASH YOUR FOOD HOLES TOGETHER
literal_demon: that being said i actually really do enjoy making out with hot people
gothy-teen: he’s still a little bitter
gothy-teen: also there’s no way im adding the maitlands to this chat it would Break Them
literal_demon: yeah she’s right
literal_demon: we can’t break them
space_alien: why not?
literal_demon: bc then we’d have to buy them
literal_demon: thank you
the_red_one: okay, im done
the_red_one: goodnight weirdos
literal_demon>>>gothy-teen, 1:16 am
literal_demon: l y d i a
literal_demon: how can they all,,, like,,, see me??? i thought u only cld bc ur strange and unusual or whatever
gothy-teen: they're all strange and unusual too, lawrence
gothy-teen: get over yourself
do y’all want to see more of beetlejuice, or should this be more like a one time thing?
more connor and evan, as requested ;-)
also this chapter kind of really demonstrates how much i want someone to date, so be warned, it's v e r y gay
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:07 am
idc: hello all i would just like to say that i am much gay for my bf
kiNkY: does connor is actually texting for once?
thegreenone: that was terrible
Tree_Boy: aww im gay for u too connor
calculust: wait evan aren't u bi
Tree_Boy: yeah i just like calling myself gay lmao
space_alien: uh oh
space_alien: evan that was not the right thing to say
space_alien: caddy has a thing about bi erasure
calculust: BISEXUALS ARE BISEXUALS NO MATTER WHO THEY'RE DATING AND IT IS NOT OK THAT THE MEDIA TRIES TO PAINT US AS BASICALLY GAY OR BASICALLY STRAIGHT
space_alien: i warned you
Tree_Boy: cady calm down i know all that i just enjoy calling myself gay
calculust: ok that makes no sense to me whatsoever but u do u ig
idc: can we go back to my thing?
thegreenone: about how you're gay for evan?
idc: we're at the park rn
idc: and he's telling me all about all the different types of trees and normally i would be like why the fuck are you telling me about this i do not care at all but it's evan and therefore it is adorable
space_alien: ok that's actually so cute
idc: I KNOW
idc: THAT'S WHY I'M TELLING YOU
gothy-teen: ok it's official we need to have a cutest couple competition
theyellowone: guyssss no you're all gonna fight
gothy-teen: it's time you got this through your head
gothy-teen: fighting is how we interact
ronicaaa: omg macaroni
ronicaaa: i love macaroni
ronicaaa: whoa that works on so many levels
ronicaaa: cuz like
ronicaaa: i love mac
ronicaaa: and i also love literal macaroni
space_alien: we get it ronnie thank you
ronicaaa: just making sure
gothy-teen: ok y'all
gothy-teen: here's how this is gonna go
gothy-teen: all of the people who aren't part of a couple will be the judges
gothy-teen: so that's me, beetlejuice, regina, jared, zoe, alana, heather chandelier, heather duck, and martha
space_alien: how the fuck do you remember all that
space_alien: i don't even remember what i ate last night
space_alien: i mean
space_alien: besides caddy
toogaytofunction: ew, janis
space_alien: sorry not sorry
gothy-teen: we will be judging cady/janis, veronica/macaroni, gretchen/karen, aaron/damian, connor/evan, and emma/alyssa
gothy-teen: did i miss anyone?
zoeee: um actually
zoeee: alana and i have been dating in secret for like three months
zoeee: shhhh it's not a big deal
idc: IT KINDA IS THO
zoeee: i thought u weren't supposed to care about anything
idc has changed their name to iacawflaito
zoeee: what the actual fuck
iacawflaito: stands for "i actually care a whole fucking lot as it turns out"
Tree_Boy has changed iacawflaito's name to gothy-teen-2.0
gothy-teen: hey! don't be stealing my brand
zoeee has changed gothy-teen-2.0's name to myidiotbrother
myidiotbrother has changed their name to idiot
idiot: does this work for everyone
kiNkY: yesss lmao
gothy-teen: okay! let the contest commence
gothy-teen: each couple must select a representative to explain what they love about their relationship. the explanation must be five sentences or less
space_alien: ohh caddy can i take this one pls
calculust: lmao sure babe
space_alien: ok so when caddy and i first started dating she would get all nervous when we were out in public together and so she would just hold onto the corner of my jacket or like bump into me a little bit in a way that almost seemed like an accident so that i would know she wanted me to cuddle her or something. also i know you remember the whole thing about how we got together but i just wanna let y'all know that she still texts me privately every time she finds out that i'm awake at an ungodly hour and yells at me to go the fuck to sleep which i know doesn't sound that romantic but it's actually really sweet to know that she cares so much. i think she has some setting on her phone that notifies her whenever i'm on my socials specifically so that she can do that which sounds a little creepy now that i think about it but imma worry about that later. also she's willing to sit still for hours so that i can paint her because she knows that it helps me relax. i could go on for literal days but i only have five sentences so i'll just end by saying that i love this girl so fucking much and i can't believe there was ever a time when i didn't have her in my life,,, like how did i survive? anyway i'm done now
calculust: jan... baby... i don't even... that was so sweet
space_alien: ily caddy <3
calculust: i love you too babe <3333333
gothy-teen: ok wow
gothy-teen: who wants to try to beat that?
idiot: i will
idiot: i mean i already told y'all about the tree thing so instead i'll just talk about how FUCKING ADORABLE THIS MAN IS. like last week he was over for dinner and he just kept shooting me these adorable little secret smiles whenever my parents weren't looking. and like right now, while i'm typing this, he's just watching me like i'm the most interesting thing in the world. which i'm not, but he'll kill me for saying that because he's constantly telling me to stop selling myself short bc if he loves me then that means i should love me too. which honestly,,, kinda makes me wanna cry sometimes, and i'm definitely not crying rn what are you talking about
idiot: ok that's five sentences gotta stop there
Tree_Boy: omg connor
Tree_Boy: idk what to say about that other than i love you
idiot: ily too lol
gothy-teen: oh jesus christ this is too much i can't handle it
gothy-teen: someone else tap in
thegreenone: me! ok who's next
theyellowone: ronnie can i
ronicaaa: sure babe go for it
theyellowone: um so idk if y'all know this but i'm a bit depressed and there was this one time when i tried to take a bunch of pills in the girls bathroom at school but ronnie found me and made me spit them out and told me that i didn't have to be happy all the time but i wasn't allowed to die on her bc she loved me too much which is just like,,, so sweet i can't even... anyway. she also is constantly just showing up at my house with flowers for literally no reason at all except that she knows it'll brighten my day. and i just really love her and i would do anything for her and honestly sometimes it takes all my willpower to not just run to her house in the middle of the night. and idk i always just thought that getting a gf would be really hard bc everyone says relationships aren't easy but being with vera is just so fucking easy and sometimes i worry that it's too easy, but actually i think that's how relationships should be with the right person and the rest of the world just has it wrong. i just like,,, idk i have a lot of issues and i'm fucking terrified of everything all the time but veronica somehow makes me feel safe and ik she pretends to be so tough and funny and fucked up like janis does but when she's with me she's just so sweet and i think that's the real her and i love it.
ronicaaa: why you gotta expose me like that babe
theyellowone: had to happen at some point
ronicaaa: i wanna be mad but you're so fucking amazing i can't
ronicaaa: i love you
theyellowone: *blows kisses*
thegreenone: i love my adorable gay children
gothy-teen: duck is being soft for once
space_alien: lol duck
calculust: for the record i agree w what mac said about veronica and janis not actually being tough
space_alien: babe,,, pls don't expose me,,, i've already been acting wayyy to soft today
calculust: that's bc that's how you really are you just pretend not to be most of the time
space_alien: I SAID DON'T EXPOSE ME
calculust: or what
space_alien: um... idk
toogaytofunction: lol cady has her wrapped around her finger
space_alien: shut the hell your mouth
gothy-teen: you had your turn
gothy-teen: it's aaron and damian's turn now
toogaytofunction: ooh okay
toogaytofunction: so aaron and i haven't been dating for very long but i've liked him for a really long time and i'm honestly so amazed that he actually likes me back, like i still can't wrap my head around that. and idk why but we just make sense, ya know? like it was weirdly easy, kind of like mac said, and it still is. and fuck i'm running out of sentences so i'll just say that i am NOT a sporty person but i would honestly listen to aaron talk about his sports games for literal hours on end, he's just so cute when he talks about something he's really passionate about. and this was like not very original at all, but basically i just agree with everything everyone else has said and yeah i love him a lot
a-aron: ily too <333
space_alien: *sobbing* our boys are growing up
toogaytofunction: oh shut up
space_alien: also can i just say real quick how glad i am that aaron has moved on from cady
calculust: aww babe were you jealous
space_alien: ummmm i plead the fifth
gothy-teen: JANIS. CADY. please stop being so fucking affectionate, your turn is OVER. this is your last warning
space_alien: sorry we can't help it
calculust: yeah it's kind of a necessity
space_alien: ok ok sorry
thegreenone: gretchen? karen? y'all are up next
discoball: ooh me me
mynameiskaren: *thumbs up emoji*
discoball: ok so i know that everyone thinks karen is kind of dumb, and yeah they're not academically gifted, BUT i refuse to tolerate anyone who says she's not smart, because while she struggles with school, she is honestly so emotionally intelligent it's incredible. being around her is like being around literal sunshine, she's just always so bright and happy and sweet, and when i'm having a bad day she'll just sit with me for a while and let me feel. and she's super protective of me too, like when regina used to yell at me she would always try to say something stupid on purpose to shift some of the heat off of me, which is more intelligent than any test could possibly measure. and yeah she's just always sweet to me no matter what, just like,,, a constant presence that always makes me feel safe.
mynameiskaren: *smiley face emoji**heart emoji**lesbian emoji*
discoball: ily too kare
Massive_Deal: That made me look kind of bad, but I'm happy for you guys. I'm really sorry for how I used to treat you, by the way, Gretch.
discoball: it's okay
discoball: i mean it's not but i forgive u
discoball: i know it wasn't really about me anyway
Massive_Deal: Yeah, but still.
thegreenone: do we ever get to know the whole story about y'all? u keep being really cryptic about like stuff that happened w regina and janis and cady and everyone else
Massive_Deal: I don't think I should be the one to tell it. Janis?
space_alien: can we not today? i need to work up to it
thegreenone: yeah i mean it's not rly our business anyway i'm just curious
space_alien: yeah,,, maybe me and damian will tell u in a couple days or something
space_alien: and caddy if she wants to give her side of it
calculust: yeah we can talk about it separately jan
space_alien: ok <333
gothy-teen: GUYS WHAT HAVE I TOLD U
space_alien: right sorry
space_alien: caddy i hate you so much you're the worst
calculust: i hate you too
gothy-teen: that's not reeeally what i meant but
Massive_Deal: Emma and Alyssa, you guys are up next.
lesbean: do you wanna or should i
alyssa_greeene: can i?
lesbean: yeah sure
alyssa_greeene: ok so emma and i spent a LOT of time hiding our relationship from my mother and the rest of our school, but then last year emma wanted to take me to prom and the pta freaked and cancelled it, and that's like a really long story but basically emma went online and sang a song on youtube about us and went viral and we got a prom after all. and what i find really amazing about that was that she was such an activist about being able to take her gf to prom, but she never outed me. like literally no one knew until i told them myself, and i will always be grateful to her for that bc there was a time in there when we were really mad at each other and she could easily have outed me and she DIDN'T. and that just proves what an amazing person she is, and it's part of why i decided to come out publicly and announce that i was in love with her, because she'd given me this great gift of getting to do that, even though she was furious with me. and now we're like the most loved couple at school and everyone supports us, including my mother, all because even when we were broken up she still fought for us as a matter of principal. ok i reeeeally wanna add another sentence but i can't so yeah i'm done
lesbean: awwww lyssa
lesbean: i love you so much
alyssa_greeene: <3333 ily too, telling the world that was the best decision i ever made
toogaytofunction: WAIT HOLY SHIT
toogaytofunction: EMMA IS THE UNRULY HEART GIRL
space_alien: how did we not put that together until now
lesbean: you guys saw my video?
space_alien: yes!!!! we've watched it like twelve billion times and we donated to the prom funds so that y'all could host the inclusive prom
lesbean: seriously??? that's amazing thank you!!!!
space_alien: alyssa i'm so glad your mom came around that's great
alyssa_greeene: thx i'm glad too
calculust: see y'all this is what i mean
calculust: my gf is very soft
space_alien: shhh stop talking before lydia murders us
calculust: right sorry
gothy-teen: okay time for our last couple
Massive_Deal: Alana and Zoe!
zoeee: ooh okay
zoeee: so alana is like,,, a very proper person, right? and i never thought i would fall for someone like that, but there was this one day a few months ago when she was helping me study and i was frustrated bc i couldn't figure out this one problem, and she just said "don't worry, this stuff is hard. just remember that whatever grade you get on this test, i'll still be proud of you because i know you really tried." and i was like oh holy shit this girl is so fucking earnest and sweet and so i just kinda,,, kissed her. and we've been together ever since and she's never been anything but sweet to me, and it's really refreshing bc i know that she always 100% means what she says. so lana just know that when i say i love you, i really mean it too.
Alana_Beck: I love you too, Zoe. I'm proud of you for finally telling everyone about us. I know you were scared.
zoeee: thx babe
idiot: awww my baby sister is growing up
zoeee: call me your baby sister one more time and I Will End You
idiot: baby sister
zoeee: CONNOR FUCKING MURPHY
gothy-teen: um. anyway
gothy-teen: time for the judging to commence
literal_demon: WHAT THE FUCK LYDIA
literal_demon: HOW ARE YOU NOT CRYING
literal_demon: THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL
literal_demon: YOU ALL WIN
Massive_Deal: Yeah, he's kind of right.
rainbow123: yeah this entire conversation is just really soft and gay
gothy-teen: ok yeah you're right
kiNkY: the real question tho is how lydia remembers all the relationships
kiNkY: like i lowkey forgot that evan and connor were dating and i see them every fucking day
gothy-teen: umm i definitely don't have a list in my notes app nuh uh not me wrong bitch
space_alien: lol she's lying she definitely does
gothy-teen: janis i swear
space_alien: am i allowed to say i love caddy now
gothy-teen: yes, fine
space_alien: yay! ily caddy
calculust: i mean ily too but that's a little random
space_alien: well i wasn't allowed to for like a reeeeally long time so now i just need to say it a bunch to make up for it
calculust: it was five minutes but ok
space_alien: it's like you don't want me to say it
calculust: NO I DO I DO I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
the_red_one: sup y'all i just got here
the_red_one: oh wow i'm reading all these messages
the_red_one: and yes i feel god in this chili's tonight
ronicaaa: oh good lord
ok hi y'all this is my official apology for not giving my other ships as much content as cadnis until now,,, i'm just like reeeeeeally obsessed with cadnis,,, like to an unhealthy extent,,, but anyway yeah sorry i'm tryna even it out a little
also i was thinkin maybe i should add like a ship that ties together two fandoms? like regina and chandler maybe? idk let me know what you think about that
um so i decided only a day has passed since the last chapter in dearmeanheatherspromjuice world bc yeah i didn't wanna think about how long it's been since i updated this
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:32 pm
calculust: ok so
calculust: i know we're not doing the competition anymore bc y'all are too cowardly to announce a winner
calculust: can we have the other person who didn't talk yesterday tells what they love about their partner??? pls???
space_alien: caddy no
space_alien: my reputation is gonna be destroyed
Massive_Deal: Your reputation with whom??? We all already know you're a big softie.
space_alien: f u c k caddy look what you've done
calculust: i didn't do anything!!! you've always been soft babe
gothy-teen: yeah i've only met you in person once and even i know that
kiNkY: lol ive never met you in person at all and i know that
space_alien: oh fuck off
space_alien: sorry mac
calculust: jan do you want me to shower you with love or not
space_alien: yeah whatever go for it
calculust: ok so basically,,, god i don't even know where to start i love this girl so much. like when we were first dating and i was nervous about being with her in public she would always just know exactly what i needed her to do. also one time i went away for the weekend with my parents and we got home late sunday night so i told janis that i didn't have time to go out and see her, and then at three am i woke up to her throwing rocks at my window like something out of a romance movie, which was adorable and i'm also very glad she has bad aim because they were kinda big rocks and i do like having an intact bedroom window but. and i always steal her jackets which i know i probably should stop doing, and she pretends to get mad at me for it but i know she leaves them at my house on purpose sometimes. and idk i just love her a lot and also literally n o t h i n g parallels the utter gay panic i felt when i opened the bathroom stall door on the first day of junior year and saw her standing there giving me that stupid adorable smirk,,, like holy shit you guys don't even understand
Tree_Boy: gay panic??? cady???
calculust: BI PANIC
calculust: BISEXUAL PANIC NOT GAY PANIC
space_alien: look at that, both our reputations are getting ruined today
calculust: hey!!! be nice to me!!! i just explained in detail all the ways in which i love you!!!
space_alien: right right sorry i love you bby <33333
Tree_Boy: can i go now?
Tree_Boy: ok no one's responding so i'm just gonna
Tree_Boy: can i just start this off by saying that veronica janis connor and lydia are all basically the same? like they all pretend to be all tough but clearly they are actually just super soft?
gothy-teen: um i would like to be left out of this please and thank you
Tree_Boy: sorry lydia
Tree_Boy: i'm not actually very sorry but
Tree_Boy: I think we proved yesterday that connor is a very soft boyfriend, but i just want to say that like,,, in case the rest of y'all havent picked up on this, he bullies literally everyone. like not bullies but like ya know? and i'm the only one he's not mean to, and if anyone is mean to me he just fucking destroys them and it's actually kinda funny to watch him try to be tough and a good bf at the same time. also the other day he showed up at my house with a box of cookies for absolutely no reason other than he wanted to see me (i don't care what he says, the cookies were just an excuse) but anyway yeah i love him
kiNkY: and since no one has asked yes it is quite awkward to constantly be the third wheel
zoeee: fifth wheel
zoeee: me and lana remember?
kiNkY: fuck you're right
kiNkY: someone save me
zoeee: also what evan conveniently left out of his story was that I MADE THE COOKIES
zoeee: connor was NOT supposed to share them
zoeee: in fact he wasn't even supposed to eat any himself
Tree_Boy: wait seriously
Tree_Boy: that makes it so much cuter
zoeee: no, it means that HE FUCKING STOLE MY COOKIIES
zoeee: i hate you so much connor murphy
idiot: love you too
zoeee: fuck off
theyellowone: PLEASE STOP SWEARING
space_alien: why do you always get so worked up about this mac?
theyellowone: i don't actually know it just kinda stresses me out when you guys are mean to each other
ronicaaa: can i talk about how i love mac now? bc that is like a perfect segway
gothy-teen: yes do it
gothy-teen: my single gay self is living for all this
ronicaaa: so i feel like mac getting stressed when we're all mean to each other kind of perfectly sums up what kind of person she is, like she's just so sweet and innocent and fucking a d o r a b l e. she's a little like karen in that way, i think, they both have a lot of emotional intelligence. also mac always wears yellow and i'm just like??? this human??? is literal sunshine??? like even the colors match up y'all it's insane!!!! and yeah she's adorable that's basically it i just love her soooo much
literal_demon: l y d i a
literal_demon: why did you add me to this chat
literal_demon: i can't afford to be crying all the time it's not a good look
gothy-teen: lol sorry
mynameiskaren: ok my turn!!! so gretchen is like super sweet to me and whenever someone calls me stupid it's like all her shyness and anxiety just fades away and she yells at them. and she always is there to comfort me when i do badly on a test,,, which is always. the last time, she sat with me in the art room for like an hour and talked the entire time about how the school system is messed up and how she knows i'm smart even if no one else does and how some people learn differently and really the fact that schools can't recognize that reflects more on them than it does on me. and when i said i kinda wanted to just drop out she said she'd do it with me and we could run away to canada and live a happy life in the woods or something which was really funny and cute *lesbian emoji* *heart emoji*
a-aron: me now! i went to see damian in the school play the other day and he was literally so amazing and talented and i'm so proud of him even though i only understood like 20 percent of what was happening onstage. and i like that he pretends to understand sports for me and i pretend to understand theatre for him, i think that's just really cute. also i've never dated a guy before so all of this is just really new and exciting and i'm really glad i get to explore this part of myself with him because he's so sweet and understanding and i love him <333
lesbean: me too! alyssa is literally my entire world, i would do anything for her, and i won't repeat all that stuff she said yesterday about last year bc that would take too long but basically she talked about how i never outed her even when we were fighting,,, and honestly that never even occurred to me. like when she said that yesterday i was like wow i had that power and it never occurred to me to use it bc even then i loved her more than anything so the thought of hurting her like that was just out of the question for me. and also i'm really glad we made up bc that little amount of time when we weren't together was the literal WORST and i don't know what i would have done if we'd officially broken up forever bc i love her wayyyy too much to let that happen.
Alana_Beck: Okay, I'll go too! Zoe is a very complex individual, and when we first met I didn't really understand her. She was a mystery to me, the way she is so free in some ways and so closed off in others. But then when I started to really get to know her, I started to understand her a little more. And when she started to trust me, she showed me different sides of herself she doesn't show to anyone else, which made - makes - me feel so special. I love you, Zoe Murphy.
Massive_Deal: All of this is...
kiNkY: see this is why we can't pick a favorite
space_alien: yeah, yeah
gothy-teen: can i just real quick tho...
gothy-teen has changed thegreenone's name to duck
gothy-teen has changed the_red_one's name to chandelier
gothy-teen has changed theyellowone's name to macaroni
gothy-teen: it's been bugging me
chandelier: i don't know how to feel about this
duck: hey, at least yours is something cool! mac and i got stuck with dumb things
macaroni: um excuse speak for yourself i love macaroni
ronicaaa: me too
space_alien: we know, ronnie
ronicaaa: in all the various meanings
gothy-teen: *sighs* we know, ronnie.
are there any other characters or ships y'all want to see more of? i feel like i've been neglecting some characters so if anyone has feedback i would love to hear it! also yes the thing in the last chapter about lydia having all the ships in a notes app was definitely based off of me,,, i have a list of all the pronouns and sexualities lmao
So I listened to be more chill!!! And idk how much I like it yet, I’ll have to listen to it a few more times to really know but here’s some of those characters for you, @Maddy! I just added pretty much all the characters because I wasn't really sure which ones formed the key squad if you know what i mean, like how The Plastics and Aaron and the Art Freaks form the main Mean Girls squad and like the Mathletes and Shane Oman are kind of side characters and OMG do y'all want me to add Kevin G to this??? I feel like that would be epic but let me know. Also let me know if there are any bmc ships y’all want to see, I don’t really feel like I know the fandom well enough to ship any characters yet but if y’all want ships you will get ships!!! ok cool i'll shut up now
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:08pm
gothy-teen: so um
gothy-teen: there’s these kids that go to my school?
gothy-teen: and i used to think that they were all lame idiots bc most people at my school are
gothy-teen: but turns out they’re kind of not?
zoeee: where is she going with this
gothy-teen: can i add them to this chat???
literal_demon: holy shit
literal_demon: lydia made friends!!!!
gothy-teen: i don’t love how shocking that is to you
gothy-teen: but yes i did
gothy-teen: can i add them?
ronicaaa: the more the merrier
Massive_Deal: This chat is getting out of control, but yes, go for it.
gothy-teen: cool beans
gothy-teen has added player1 to the chat
gothy-teen has added player2 to the chat
gothy-teen has added bicon to the chat
gothy-teen has added theatre-nerd to the chat
gothy-teen has added br00ke to the chat
gothy-teen has added chl0e to the chat
gothy-teen has added jakehammer to the chat
calculust: whoa that's a lot of people
gothy-teen: okay my chill friends
gothy-teen: names, sexualities, and pronouns
player1: lydia what is this
gothy-teen: the ultimate groupchat idiot
player1: oh right obviously
player1: i'm jeremy, he/him, bi
player2: michael he/him gay
theatre-nerd: hi, i'm christine!!! i use she/her pronouns, and i'm pansexual!!!
br00ke: jesus christine calm down
theatre-nerd: i'm just excited to meet new friends!!!
br00ke: i'm brooke, i'm a lesbian
chl0e: i'm chloe, she/her pronouns, and i'm bisexual
jakehammer: i'm jake, i'm aro, and i'm ftm trans, idk if that's important but yeah i use he/him pronouns
Alana_Beck: Oh, cool! I'm trans too, mtf.
bicon: hey guys, i'm rich, i use he/him pronouns and i'm bi, as the username says
a-aron: hey not fair there's like eight bisexuals in this chat now why do you get the bicon title
bicon: well non of y'all claimed it so
calculust: he's got a point
player1: ok lydia who are these people? like what are the names and stuff
gothy-teen: oh god we can't all go through introductions again, i'll text you the link to my notes list, it has their usernames matched to their people names, plus all of their pronouns and shit
player2: wait send it to me too
theatre-nerd: me three!
gothy-teen: i will send it to all of you, calm down
br00ke: yeah guys be more chill
chl0e: yeah god
macaroni: hello brooke and chloe, my name is heather mcnamara and i am the peace officer of this chat, this is your first warning to be nice, if you are not i will remove your kneecaps
chl0e: whoa okay sorry
macaroni: you will be
ronicaaa: just want y'all to know that mac is currently laying upside down off of my bed giggling bc all the blood is rushing to her head, wearing fuzzy sweatpants with lemons printed on them and a t-shirt that says 'if i can't wear leggings i'm not going', which frankly contradicts itself bc she's wearing FUCKING SWEATPANTS, not that it bugs me or anything
br00ke: your point?
ronicaaa: don't take her threats too seriously
macaroni: RONNIE DON'T EXPOSE ME
ronicaaa: sorry babe
ronicaaa: i was gonna tell them anyway tho bc you're fucking adorable rn but
br00ke: wait hold up lyds something is wrong with your notes thing it says there's three chicks named heather
duck: it's a popular name idk what to tell u
br00ke: wow ok
player1: this is going to be....
bicon: interesting. very, very... interesting
player1: couldn't have said it better myself
idiot: evan, do you think these people are mocking our friends?
Tree_Boy: why yes babe i do
idiot: and what happens to people who mock our friends?
Tree_Boy: we have a mature conversation with them and politely ask them to be nice?
idiot: ok i want to be mad bc you KNOW that's not the answer i was looking for but you are so fucking adorable i can't
player1: i changed my mind
player1: this is gonna be really, really fun
alyssa_greeene: who here thinks that jeremy is just kind of terrified of what the tree bros are gonna do to him and that's why he changed his mind?
lesbean: oh me for sure
idiot: TREE BROS
idiot: i kinda love that
lesbean: oh yeah! lyssa and i came up with ships for a bunch of y'all
lesbean: cady and janis are paint by numbers, evan and connor are tree bros, and mac and veronica are macaronnie
alyssa_greeene: the other ones are in progress
toogaytofunction: paint by numbers?
lesbean: yeah, bc janis is really artsy right? and cady's like a math genius?
space_alien: holy shit that's amazing
ronicaaa: MACARONNIE I LOVE IT
alyssa_greeene: *high fives emma*
space_alien: y'all are like,,, this chat's lesbian goddesses or something
lesbean: i mean yes but everyone knows this woman is the only true lesbian goddess
space_alien: yeah that's fair
ok i know i said in the beginning notes that i would shut up now BUT i just would like to say that i was not very creative with the bmc usernames so if anyone has a better idea for one PLEASE put it in the comments
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:23 pm
gothy-teen has changed player1's name to dork1
gothy-teen has changed player2's name to dork2
gothy-teen has changed br00ke's name to bitch1
gothy-teen has changed chl0e's name to bitch2
bitch2: not cool
gothy-teen: sorry ur usernames were boring
dork1: these aren't really much better lyds
gothy-teen: i'm tired ok
dork1 has changed their name to whyamievenheere
dork2 has changed their name to Micheal_Mell
jakehammer has changed Micheal_Mell's name to micheal_sMells
micheal_sMells: you know what jake
micheal_sMells: idk i didn't really think it thru this far
bitch1 has changed their name to wannaride
bitch2 has changed their name to wannahang
jakehammer has changed their name to Jakey-D
gothy-teen: jake why would you change your name it was fine
Jakey-D: idk i just like this better
macaroni: isn't it like 1am where you guys are? why aren't you asleep
whyamievenheere: 1am isn't thaaat late
micheal_sMells: yeahhh that's like a normal time to go to bed
calculust: is it?
whyamievenheere: yes cady stop judging us
micheal_sMells: yeah listen to mac and be nice
calculust: i was just saying!!!
space_alien: are micheal and jeremy dating? i can't tell
wannaride: no they're not
wannahang: they're just friends
whyamievenheere: actually no janis is right we're dating
wannaride: w h a t
Jakey-D: lol brooke is shooke
wannaride: not how you spell shook
Jakey-D: i KNOW it was a fucking JOKE
macaroni: BE NICE
macaroni: i'm really not in the mood to remove kneecaps rn but I WILL IF NECESSARY
ronicaaa: babe pls calm down
macaroni: I Will Not
calculust: guys can i add kevin g to this chat? he saw me looking at it earlier and now he won't stop begging me to add him
space_alien: omg yesss do it
space_alien: that kid is literally so funny
toogaytofunction: um he's kind of annoying but go off
Massive_Deal: Everyone in this chat is annoying, Damian.
toogaytofunction: good point
discoball: go for it cady
calculust has added gspot to the chat
gspot: sup motherfuckers
gspot: cady who's on here
gothy-teen: oh for the love of god
gothy-teen: now everyone has it
gspot: cool beans
gspot: wait three heathers?
macaroni: we are all named heather
chandelier: get over it already
gspot: woah ok chill
calculust: kevin, please introduce yourself
calculust: NOT in the form of a rap
gspot: dammit africa why do you always take the fun out of everything
calculust: if you don't behave they're all going to kill me for adding u so if you want to keep your mathlete funding i suggest you do as i say
idiot: cady being a real top over here
kiNkY: bet janis is sweating rn lol
caclulust: oh shut up
calculust: kevin, just say your name pronouns and sexuality
gspot: i'm kevin g, i use he/him pronouns, and i'm omnisexual
calculust: thank you
gspot: that caused me physical pain
calculust: i'm sorry to hear it
gspot: are you guys seeing how mean she is to me???
ronicaaa: yeah mac i though you would have jumped in to yell at cady by now
macaroni: nah this is funny
macaroni: i like it when cady gets all feisty
space_alien: BACK OFF SHE'S MINE
ronicaaa: yeah and also i am your gf????
macaroni: i meant platonically but go off
calculust: this whole conversation is making me very Uncomfortable™
space_alien: oh sorry babe
caclulust: it's okay lol i just wanted to do the trademark symbol
bicon: okay it's official cady is a fucking queen
The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:01 pm
literal_demon: hey guys
literal_demon: entertain me pls
literal_demon: lydias at school and im bored
duck: she is? it's 4, shouldn't she be home by now?
literal_demon: she had detention
space_alien: ooh what'd she do
literal_demon: idk she usually has detention so it's hard to keep track
calculust: no!!! janis!!! not mood!!! detention is bad!!!
space_alien: not really
space_alien: mrs. norbury always just lets us do hw or listen to music
calculust: that doesn't mean you should try to get detention!!!
space_alien: i don't try!!! it just happens!!!
calculust: bc you do bad stuff
space_alien: you know i do ;-)
ronicaaa: janis no
space_alien: sorry!!! she set me up for it
toogaytofunction: and janis has zero self control so
space_alien: it's true
gspot: alternate title for this chat: janis roasting herself 24/7
literal_demon: he has a point
space_alien: um, did i ask you? no, i don't think i did
space_alien: they're being mean to me!!!
gspot: alternate title 2.0: janis being bullied 24/7
calculust: that kinda contradicts the first one kev
gspot: not really!!! she roasts herself AND gets bullied!
literal_demon: this is not entertaining enough
space_alien: oh that sucks for u huh
literal_demon: STOP fucking BULLYING ME you're like lydia 2.0
space_alien: lol ik
gothy-teen: sup folks
literal_demon: LYDIA THANK GOD
literal_demon: aren't u supposed to be in detention
gothy-teen: yeah but i'm snekky and i decided to text in detention
calculust: won't that just earn you another detention?
gothy-teen: only if i get caught
calculust: jesus christ all of you are TERRIBLE INFLUENCES
space_alien: i don't hear u complaining
calculust: i am complaining! how are you not getting that?
space_alien: I Feel Attacked
calculust: aww i'm sorry bby
toogaytofunction: wow she's got you wrapped around her finger cady
literal_demon: lol everyone thinks tops have all the power in the relationship but in reality...
space_alien: what are you implying?
toogaytofunction: that you're a bottom
space_alien: um excuse??? where did you get that idea???
ronicaaa: your general personality, your dynamic with cady...
calculust: yeah everyone knows it babe sorry
space_alien: caddy!!! don't sell me out!!!
calculust: you can't sell someone out when everyone already knows
space_alien: why is mac not coming to my rescue rn??? this is homophobia!!!
toogaytofunction: it's actually the opposite but whatever
macaroni: i mean they're not technically wrong so i don't have anything to defend you from
space_alien: this is Not Okay
whyamievenheere: but it's fun to watch
literal_demon: yeah i'm officially entertained now
space_alien: oh fuck you guys
macaroni: hey!!! language!!!
space_alien: oh, NOW you step in? ronnie, tell your gf to stop being mean to me
ronicaaa: that would require me having any control over her whatsoever so nope can't do that
wannaride: um does that make ronnie the bottom or the top
ronicaaa: oh no we are NOT doing this
space_alien: less entertaining when it's happening to you, huh?
ronicaaa has muted the chat
gothy-teen: um rude
gspot: alternate title no. 3: veronica constantly being smarter than janis
ok guys, so the other day my brother asked me a rly interesting question. He said if I could swap one character from a musical with another from a different one for one day, which characters would I switch and when in the plot of the musical would I switch them? I’m thinkin Janis and Veronica for the switcheroo and maybe we’d have Janis come in right before Our Love is God bc let’s face it Janis has way more of a backbone than ronnie does and she would probably be able to stop JD from killing ram and kurt (side note: kurt and ram in this fic? Yes? No? Lmk), but I’m kinda at a loss for where I’d put Veronica into mean girls, bc if I do it before Cady’s party to prevent Janis and Cady from fighting we wouldn’t get I’d rather be me, which is just Not Acceptable. Anyhoo, if you have any thoughts on this question (doesn’t have to be veronica and janis, pick your own characters to swap if you want!) leave em in the comments. Love ya!
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:09 pm
alyssa_greeene: i just burned myself on a POP TART
alyssa_greeene: i have a BURN on my HAND bc of a POP TART
alyssa_greeene: stop laughing at me!!!
bicon: it is kinda funny tho
Jakey-D: i was gonna say pathetic but funny works too
alyssa_greeene: does no one care that i'm in excruciating pain rn???
macaroni: i care! that sounds awful
alyssa_greeene: thank you mac
alyssa_greeene: apparently mac is the only one in this chat with a HEART
lesbean: no wait babe i'm sorry i laughed ily
alyssa_greeene: ok i forgive you
lesbean: it was just funny bc when you realized how hot it was you like tossed it all the way across the room and it stuck to the wall
alyssa_greeene: oh great, we're back to laughing at me
zoeee: sorry but it is kinda funny
alyssa_greeene: my mom's gonna kill me when she sees pink sprinkles stuck to the wall
whyamievenheere:"alyssa! why are there pink sprinkles on the wall?"
lesbean: actually it was one of the ones with the multicolored sprinkles
whyamievenheere: even better
alyssa_greeene: guys!!! stop!!!
Alana_Beck: I have a very important question for you, Alyssa.
Alana_Beck: Did you eat the Pop Tart? Or is it still stuck to the wall? This is knowledge that I must have.
alyssa_greeene: jesus christ even alana's teasing me now
lesbean: to answer your question, alana, it's still stuck to the wall
alyssa_greeene: babe? pls stop giving them ammo
lesbean: lyssa refuses to touch it
lesbean: says it betrayed her
alyssa_greeene: what did i JUST SAY
lesbean: that you love me no matter what???
Massive_Deal: So the pop tart reeeeally popped, didn't it?
discoball: pop tart popped off
lesbean: it's starting to slide down the wall
discoball: it's leaving a trail of frosting lmao
alyssa_greeene: i'm still not touching it
mynameiskaren: now i'm hungry
i took it upon myself to ban janis, lydia, cady, and damian from this chapter bc these other characters need some love and i've been neglecting them i'm sorry
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:14 am
calculust: janis NO it is 2 am
space_alien: just click on it and go to 0:47 and turn on subtitles PLEASE i beg of you
literal_demon: is there a reason you’re watching hayley kiyoko videos in the middle of the night? or
space_alien: do i need a reason?
kiNkY: i mean kind of yeah
gothy-teen: shut up jared no one ever needs a reason to watch hayley kiyoko videos
calculust: yeah she’s right
calculust: like not to be dramatic but i would leave janis for that woman
calculust: and y'all know i would never leave janis
space_alien: i can't even be mad about that bc i would totally leave u for her too
kiNkY: wlw culture right here folks
gothy-teen: damn straight
literal_demon: >:-000 lydia you said the forbidden word
gothy-teen: what, straight?
gothy-teen: oh sorry sorry
space_alien: this is a no-straight zone
space_alien: did y'all do the thing i said???
literal_demon: which thing
space_alien: ok so
space_alien: click on the link i sent
space_alien: turn on subtitles
space_alien: and go to 0:47
kiNkY: *gay excitement*
gothy-teen: these subtitles know what's up
literal_demon: someone needs to make this into a meme
calculust: jan did you show this to damian
space_alien: i TRIED but he left me on delivered
space_alien: who the fuck doesn't check their phone at 2 am???
Massive_Deal: Um, literally everyone with a brain?
calculust: a wild regina appears
space_alien: come to mock us for having insomnia, reggie?
calculust: um excuse you I do not have insomnia
space_alien: then why are you awake?
calculust: you woke me up!!!!
calculust: you literally jumped on me and said "wake up i'm bored"
Massive_Deal: Why were you guys together anyway? Do your parents actually let you sleep at each other's houses?
space_alien: lol no
calculust: janis snuck into my room last night
space_alien: i still can't believe your parents gave you the room with a TREE next to the window like come on it's too easy
calculust: not really!!! you almost fell like twelve times!!!
calculust: it made my anxiety go 📈 📈 📈
space_alien: anyhoo we don't need to talk about my lack of athletic abilities
space_alien: why are YOU up reggie
Massive_Deal: Because my phone kept buzzing!!!!
kiNkY: i don't buy it
gothy-teen: yeah no one ever wakes up bc of notifications
gothy-teen: i mean unless you sleep w ur phone under ur pillow but
space_alien: which btw is not a good thing to do
Massive_Deal: I have to, though. I don't want my parents to go through my texts and sleeping with my phone is the only way to 100% make sure of that.
space_alien: why?? don't want them to see the dirty texts you exchange w ur latest hookup?
Massive_Deal: First off, I haven't hooked up with anyone in like three months. And no, I just don't want them to find out I'm gay.
calculust: what?? i thought they knew???
Massive_Deal: Nope. My mom knows something's up, but she's always been so into, like, talking about boys with me that I'm scared she'll be mad when she finds out I don't actually like boys.
space_alien: that's dumb
space_alien: sorry! it's just, if your mom really loves you and wants to have a good relationship with u she won't be mad
Massive_Deal: Still! It's gonna change anything. And despite popular belief, I actually kind of love my mother. I'd like to keep her loving me.
space_alien: and you think bc your gay she wont???? again, DUMB
Massive_Deal: Oh my God, Janis, stop! I'm scared, okay?
space_alien: i'm just saying
space_alien: love should not be conditional
space_alien: and i know your mother, all she's ever wanted is for u to share your life with her
Massive_Deal: You think?
space_alien: YES omg
gothy-teen: so turns out that at 2 am janis and regina are friends?
Massive_Deal: We're always friends.
space_alien: we're just softer when we're sleep deprived
calculust: false janis is always soft
calculust: but carry on
space_alien: nuh uh i hate you all
calculust: last night u texted me like a hundred heart emojis
space_alien: out of hate
calculust: you also climbed through my bedroom window and cried about how much you love me
space_alien: i'm way too sleep deprived to deal w your negativity right now
calculust: don't jake peralta me
calculust: and it wasnt negativity, i'm just stating facts
space_alien: shut up
calculust: you shut up
space_alien: i love you
calculust: i love you too
kiNkY: yes i feel god in this chili's tonight
I’m sorry I know I said I was giving the other characters more love now but I missed Janis okay I missed my space dyke
SHIT I FORGOT I WAS GOING TO ADD KURT AND RAM here they are for ya
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:17am
rainbow123: hey guys!!! would it be ok if i added some friends to this chat?
idiot: are they fun? or boring like the rest of y'all
Tree_Boy: babe!!! be nice
bicon: i mean, he's not wrong
ronicaaa: hey!!! we are many things, but we are NOT boring
idiot: yeah fair enough ig
bicon: martha, tell us about these friends u wanna add
rainbow123: oh! well they're jocks, and they've been best friends forever, and they're kinda dumb and annoying but cady added kevin so i feel like that makes us even
gspot: hey!!! i am NOT a jock
rainbow123: but you are kinda dumb and annoying
macaroni: martha!! you're usually such a peacemaker
rainbow123: im in a mood rn idk what to tell you
ronicaaa: martha PLEASE don't tell me you want to add kurt and ram
chandelier: what other jocks do we know, veronica?
ronicaaa: good point
rainbow123: ok no one is actually telling me if i should or not so i'm just gonna
rainbow123 has added kurtkelly to the chat
rainbow123 has added ramsweeney to the chat
kurtkelly: whoa what is this
gothy-teen: before either of you ask, here: ultimategc.notes
gothy-teen: and yes there are three heathers
ramsweeney: we know dude
kurtkelly: we go to their school
ramsweeney: yeah dude
gothy-teen: oh yeah i forgot
ronicaaa: those are really creative usernames, guys
kurtkelly: thanks bro
ramsweeney: that's cuz kurt's the smartest guy on the football team
gothy-teen: isn't that kind of like being the tallest dwarf??
ronicaaa: that's what i always say!!!!
space_alien: so i gather that these people are kurt kelly and ram sweeney
kurtkelly: you know it
space_alien: ronnie. if they are straight istg
ronicaaa: they're not
ramsweeney: are too!!!
ronicaaa: ram stop lying
duck: kurt and ram are the kind of bros that kiss each other goodnight
space_alien: ok i can get behind that
space_alien: don't want any hets contaminating my pure gay chat
bicon: in what way is it your chat?
space_alien: i started it
gothy-teen: did you? i thought i did
space_alien: really? i don't actually remember
idiot: whos gonna scroll up and find out
space_alien: guess we'll never know
kurt and ram username ideas?? my brain isn't working today
oh!! also i just remembered that the mean girls gang was maybe gonna tell their story at some point, is that something y'all wanna see? i feel like everyone reading this probablyyyy already knows the plot of mean girls but it might be fun to have everyone tell their stories and have everyone else react idk
this got a bit angstier than i meant for it to, but bear with me
TW for d-slur, referenced self-harm, homophobia
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:56 pm
duck: i don't want to pry
duck: but i just realized we never heard the regina-cady-damian-gretchen-karen-aaron-i-forget-the-other-names story
space_alien: literally the only name left was mine but like go off
duck: oh yeah
duck: but can we hear it?
Massive_Deal: Shouldn't you be in class, not bothering us?
ronicaaa: westerburg has the day off today
chandelier: suck it, bitches
macaroni: why are you texting in class, regina?
kurtkelly: yeahhh gina geeeeeezzz
Massive_Deal: Call me Gina again and you will die.
Massive_Deal: Also, please change your username. The lack of creativity is killing me.
chandelier has changed kurtkelly's name to tallestdwarf
ronicaaa has changed ramsweeney's name to linebacker4hugedick8
Massive_Deal: Better. Thank you.
chandelier: no problem
ronicaaa: damn heather being civil for once
chandelier: shut up
duck: ignoring that, are we hearing the story or no???
calculust: go for it
discoball: yep, start us off jan
space_alien: okay here goes
Massive_Deal: *mentally prepares for everyone's hatred*
calculust: no one's gonna hate you
space_alien: sorry! i'll just hurry up and tell the story
duck: yes PLEASE
space_alien: so regina and i were best friends in middle school
space_alien: like, i was once a mini-plastic
space_alien: dyed blonde hair and everything
calculust: how come no one told me that detail??
space_alien: where did you think the dyed tips came from?
space_alien: so anyway, reggie and i were best friends until eighth grade, when she got her first boyfriend, kyle
gothy-teen: boyfriend??? isn't regina gay???
space_alien: patience, grasshopper
space_alien: so regina had a boyfriend, and she kept blowing me off to go hang out with him and shit like that, and then when i called her to ask where she was she'd be like "omigod, why are you so OBSESSED with me?"
duck: damn regina
Massive_Deal: I warned you guys, this story makes me look really bad.
space_alien: and i haven't even gotten to the really bad part yet
Massive_Deal: Oh, just get it over with.
space_alien: so for regina's thirteenth birthday party, she was having an all-girls pool party at her house, because she's rich and has a pool and we all just accept that. but the day before the party, she came up to me before school and said "janis, i can't invite you to my party because i think you're a lesbian. and i can't have a lesbian at my pool party, there will be girls there in their bathing suits!!!"
space_alien: now keep in mind, reggie here is JUST AS GAY AS I AM
space_alien: but no one knew that at the time
ronicaaa: regina oh my god
Massive_Deal: I told you!!! I was a little bitch!!! I know, okay?
space_alien: anyway, she just kept asking me over and over if i was a lesbian, and the truth is i didn't really know, like i'd had my suspicions but i wasn't really sure yet, and i didn't understand why my friend was doing this to me or why she seemed to think it was such a bad thing, so i just yelled "i am a space alien and i have four butts!"
toogaytofunction: bad choices 101 with janis sarkisian folks
toogaytofunction: i'm just saying!
space_alien: yeah he's right, it was a bad choice, bc by the end of the day someone had sharpied 'space dyke' onto my locker
space_alien: and then shoved me into it
calculust: you never told me that part!!!
space_alien: yeah, well
calculust: who shoved you into a locker??? imma kill them
space_alien: it doesn't matter who did it
space_alien: it was shane oman
space_alien: but anyway
space_alien: i went home crying to my mom and told her what happened and that i was pretty sure regina was right, that i was a lesbian. and she was cool with it, but she told me i had to tell my dad. and i did, that night at dinner. he proceeded to call me a dyke and spit in my face. and my mom didn't like that, so she made me go upstairs to my room while she and my dad yelled at each other, and at some point i heard the front door slam and he was gone. idk if she kicked him out or if he just left, but either way i felt suuuuper guilty about being the reason my parents' marriage ended, plus i had a ton of internalized homophobia from everything, so...
space_alien: i can't do it damian will you
toogaytofunction: sure thing hon
toogaytofunction: she started cutting herself
ronicaaa: janis i am you COUSIN how do i not know this
space_alien: uhh bc i didn't tell you cuz i didn't want to activate the protective cousin in you
ronicaaa: tsk tsk janis
toogaytofunction: anyway, her mom found out about the cutting eventually and pulled her out of school so that she could keep an eye on her and put her into full-time therapy
toogaytofunction: which is where she met me!!!
space_alien: oh yeah it was pretty great actually
space_alien: i came out of my therapy session one day to see this kid sitting in the waiting area and he looked like a fellow gay so i said hi, and he grinned at me and said "daddy issues?" and i said "partly" and he said "mood" and basically we've been inseparable ever since
chandelier: that's kinda cute actually
ronicaaa: heather wtf is up with you today
ronicaaa: you're like... being nice
chandelier: this chat brings out the best in me idk what to tell u
space_alien: anyhoo i came back to school freshman year with damian by my side and we got bullied a ton but it was ok bc we weren't alone anymore
space_alien: meanwhile regina had found two new plastics to replace me with
space_alien: reggie? take it away
Massive_Deal: I need a second.
space_alien: what's wrong??
Massive_Deal: What's wrong? You just detailed all the ways in which I ruined your life, and I feel fucking terrible about it is what's wrong.
space_alien: oh my god, are we still talking about this? i forgave you, remember???
Massive_Deal: Yeah, but...
Massive_Deal: Whatever. I'm just gonna have to live with the guilt.
Massive_Deal: Yeah, so while Janis wasn't in school, a few things happened. First, Kyle moved to Indiana. Which, to be honest, I was kind of relieved about. But then I realized that I'd just alienated my only friend and lost a boyfriend. So, being the little dictator I was, I went in search of some new people to worship me. And I found Gretchen and Karen. Gretch was in my math class, and she always laughed super loud at all the jokes I made about the teacher, Mrs. Moorecock. So one day I invited her over to my house. After that, she pretty much just stuck with me everywhere I went. A few weeks later, I accidentally hit this girl in the head with a basketball during P.E. I wasn't planning on apologizing, because as we've established, I was a little bitch, but Gretchen ran over and started apologizing profusely, as if it was her fault. She invited the girl over to our table to make up for it, which I was pissed about, until I realized that this girl seemed to like me, despite me having hit her in the head less than an hour before. So I let her stay. That girl was Karen. After that incident, though, I made the rule about having to agree to invite someone over to the table as a group.
mynameiskaren: i dont remember you ever hitting me on the head with a basketball
discoball: yeah, well, it's possible she gave you a concussion
mynameiskaren: oh! :-)
Massive_Deal: Yeah. Sorry about that.
a-aron: anyway, so basically regina ruled the school by the time sophomore year rolled around. which, i'm sorry to say, caught my attention.
space_alien: 'sorry to say'? woof, that's gotta sting, reggie
Massive_Deal: I mean, I deserve it, though.
space_alien: true true
a-aron: yeah so regina and i started dating in the middle of sophomore year
Massive_Deal: I thought it was more like toward the end of sophomore year?
a-aron: no, that's when you started cheating on me with shane oman
Massive_Deal: Oh. Yeah. Whoops.
space_alien: shane oman's a dickhead
space_alien: just putting that out there
Massive_Deal: He is. But he was into me, and I was addicted to the attention.
a-aron: anyway, so i found out during the summer before junior year, because gretchen told me, and i broke up with regina immediately
discoball: aaron!!! don't tell her that!!!
Massive_Deal: It's okay, Gretch. I kind of figured it was you.
discoball: and you're not mad?
duck: sensing some toxicity here
Massive_Deal: Ex-toxicity. I used to be really mean to Gretchen, but I'm trying to fix that.
toogaytofunction: so aaron and regina were broken up. and then. on the first day of junior year...
calculust: i showed up!!!
kiNkY: wait, where had you been?
theatre-nerd: wait, what???
calculust: my parents are zoologists, and when i was two they got research jobs in africa, and we lived there until i was sixteen, when they lost their funding
calculust: so i showed up to the first day of school at north shore high having never gone to public school, much less public american school
toogaytofunction: she was wearing sock with sandals, you guys
chandelier: oh, oh cady
toogaytofunction: i KNOW
toogaytofunction: it's what made me and janis track her down during lunch and offer to help her out
space_alien: no, it's what made YOU track her down
toogaytofunction: right, right, janis only followed bc she's super gay and cady is a regulation hottie
space_alien: love you
calculust: anyway, janis and damian gave me a tour of the cafeteria, and i agreed to sit with them, but then regina spotted me. i guess she was interested bc i was the new kid and i didn't fit into any cliques yet and she wanted to claim me or something.
Massive_Deal: Actually, I noticed you for the same reasons Janis did.
toogaytofunction: cady and janis both just choked on their food
calculust: regina WHAT???
Massive_Deal: What? I'm just saying. Even with that dreadful outfit choice, Cady's pretty hot.
space_alien: back off she's mine
Massive_Deal: I meant, like, objectively. I'm not gonna steal your girlfriend.
calculust: moving past that shocking piece of information, i'll continue w the story ig
calculust: so the plastics invited me to sit with them for the rest of the week, and they didn't really make it sound like i had a choice, so i did.
calculust: but secretly i told janis and damian about all the dumb shit they said
calculust: it was a real spy situation
calculust: and then i met aaron
space_alien: this is my least favorite part of the story
space_alien: well, second least favorite
duck: way to foreshadow
space_alien: thank you
calculust: so i met aaron in calculus class, and it was kind of perfect because gretchen had just been asking what guys i thought were cute and i was smart enough to know that i'd be toast if i told her the truth, which was that i was totally into janis. and aaron was nice enough and cute enough and i think i did like him, a little bit. but i ended up hyperfocusing on him because of *internalized homophobia*. but then i found out that he was regina's ex bc gretchen told me, and that just added a whole new layer of complications bc i'd already said i liked him, there was no turning back now. and then regina found out that i liked him bc gretchen told her and she took him back just to spite me, and i was actually kind of relieved but i pretended to be devastated. at this point, i learned the real story about janis and regina, not the fake one regina had fed to me, and i agreed to help janis and damian take revenge on her
space_alien: revengeeee partaaaaayy bitchessss
calculust: i pretended not to be hurt about the aaron thing, which wasn't too hard bc i wasn't, and we tried a bunch of different things to take regina down. we fed her kalteen bars to make her gain weight, cut holes in her shirts, etc. but none of those things seemed to be working, so we decided to crack gretchen, since she knew all of regina's secrets
Massive_Deal: Sorry to interupt, but you have to talk about the Burn Book at some point.
toogaytofunction: omg i totally forgot about that
calculust: me too lol
calculust: so the burn book was this thing that gretchen and karen and regina had made a few years before, where they cut out girl's pictures out of the yearbook and wrote comments
calculust: i.e. janis sarkisian is a space dyke, trang pak is a grotsky biotch, stuff like that
gothy-teen: are we supposed to know who trang pak is?
discoball: no one does, really
gothy-teen: but she's a grotsky biotch?
Massive_Deal: She fucked Coach Carr, so yeah. I'd say she is.
gothy-teen: idk who coach carr is but ill take ur word for it
calculust: so, the burn book was a thing. but before we went off on that tangent, i was talking about cracking gretchen
calculust: basically i sent myself a candy cane gram and pretended that it was from regina, bc i knew she wouldn't actually send any candy cane grams. and gretchen thought that it meant regina liked me better than her, so she broke down and started telling me a bunch of regina's secrets, like how regina was cheating on aaron with shane oman
calculust: yep, so i told him and he broke up with her, and gretchen was still mad about the candy cane gram so she told regina she couldn't sit at the plastics table anymore. regina george was officially vanquished.
space_alien: the problem? along the way, cady herself had become a plastic
calculust: yep. and i'd convinced myself that i actually did like aaron, so i threw a party and invited him so that he would ask me out.
toogaytofunction: this. this is the worst part.
calculust: aaron didn't ask me out. he berated me for acting too much like regina and left. meanwhile, janis and damian found out about the party, which was an issue bc i told janis i couldn't go to her art show bc i had to go to a thing with my parents. so they drove up on damian's jazzy and janis screamed at me, which i totally deserved, but i was super drunk and mad and confused and i just wanted it to stop, so i said "it's not my fault you're like in love with me or something!"
space_alien: which would have been a shitty thing to say even if it wasn't true
calculust: i didn't know it was true!!!!
space_alien: yeah, well
calculust: anyway, janis gave a speech about how i was a plastic and plastics always think everyone's in love with them when really everyone hates them, and how at least regina had the guts not to pretend to be her friend, and if it wasn't directed at me i would have been like yes queen preach
toogaytofunction: i whispered that under my breath like twelve times during the speech
space_alien: thanks guys
toogaytofunction: i mean, you were sobbing, but like...
Massive_Deal: Meanwhile, I had found about Cady's party through Instagram, and I was really pissed. So I wrote a bunch of the things I was thinking about Cady in the Burn Book, but pasted my picture below it.
chandelier: why your picture??
Massive_Deal: I'm getting to that part!
Massive_Deal: I made a shitload of photocopies of the pages in the Burn Book and brought them to school the next day. While everyone was sitting in class like nerds, I went around and tossed the copies all over the hallway. Then I went to Principal Duvall with the real Burn Book and showed it to him. Because I'd made it look like someone had written about me, the only girls in the school that weren't in it were Cady, Gretchen, and Karen. So they all got pulled into the principal's office while everyone else read the Burn Book pages and started fighting each other. The teachers realized what was happening and brought us all into the gym, where we had to give public apologies to people we'd hurt.
toogaytofunction: and that was when janis gave bomb-ass speech 2.0!!!
space_alien: oh yeah lol
space_alien: i apologized to myself for letting myself get roped into loving another stone-cold bitch, and then i ranted for like 20 minutes about the patriarchy
ronicaaa: yass queen slay
calculust: when regina figured out we'd tricked her, she ran outside and i followed her, and we yelled at each other in the street until...
Massive_Deal: I got hit by a bus.
chandelier: damn, girl!
Massive_Deal: I mean, I was standing in the street.
Massive_Deal: But yeah, I died for seven minutes. I met God.
gothy-teen: what'd she look like?
Massive_Deal: Ethnically ambiguous.
zoeee: nice b99 reference
calculust: so then basically i got voted spring fling queen, and it's a long story but i apologized to janis and gave a speech about loving who you are and shit and everyone's friends now
duck: what about you and aaron?
calculust: oh yeah!! well, i still was in love with janis, but i figured i'd ruined my chances with her, and aaron still liked me, so we dated for a while, but eventually i gave up bc i knew i would never like him as much as janis, and then... well, we got together through this chat
space_alien: and they all lived happily ever after
calculust: love you babe
chandelier: well, that was quite an emotional roller coaster
Jakey-D: y'all should like,,, write a book or make a movie or something
toogaytofunction: bold of you to assume we're that talented
toogaytofunction: we'd need to hire like,,, a tina fey-level screenwriter to make this into a coherent movie
Jakey-D: yeah fair enough
gah sorry it's been a while since i updated, i have finals week this week (yes, my semester got pushed back, it's a long story) and they are killing me just a tad so updates might be a bit slow for a while sorry
uh, TW for drug use? i guess? is that a thing? idk but zoe gets high (spoiler alert sorry)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:23 pm
idiot: i hate my sister
rainbow123: hate is a very strong word connor
zoeee: yeah connor geez
idiot: she ate my last brownie!!!!
idiot: it's unforgivable
wannaride: is it reeeeally though?
idiot: yes! now i have to go buy more weed
wannahang: oh they were weed brownies
macaroni: omg u are all such bad influences
idiot: relax it's just pot
macaroni: it's still a drug!!
idiot: a very expensive one!! it took me forever to get it and make the brownies without my parents figuring it out and then zoe had to go eat the last one!!!
zoeee: sory no sorre hahahahahagagaefnokn
idiot: she's very obnoxious when shes high
zoeee: an mot
calculust: does this happen... often? or
idiot: well it wouldn't if she would stop eating my weed brownies
zoeee: if they on thecountee they is free game
Massive_Deal: Connor, why on earth would you leave pot brownies sitting on the counter where your parents could easily find them?
idiot: well see
idiot: i was gonna put them away
idiot: but then i got high and forgot what i was doing
space_alien: im starting to see how accurate connors username really is
Alana_Beck: Zoe, sweetie, go lay down. Please.
calculust: i have an idea on how to solve this issue
idiot: you have a way of cancelling zoe's high? please explain
calculust: no, sorry, not that, you're on your own there
calculust: my idea was that you could just,,, stop making pot brownies? i feel like that would solve most of your problems
idiot: damn i thought it was gonna be a good idea
calculust: it is a good idea! don't take illegal pot and you won't get illegally high!
idiot: well where's the fun in that?
calculust: jan, back me up
space_alien: well i want to but i'm busy laughing ovr the fact that you said 'take' pot
calculust: is that not correct?
space_alien: no! you smoke pot!
calculust: not with pot brownies!!
space_alien: hmm good point
space_alien: connor which is it
idiot: i don't use the language i just do it
Alana_Beck: We are all disasters.
Alana_Beck: *The Murphy siblings are disasters.
Massive_Deal: Keep going...
Alana_Beck: **Everyone except Regina and I are disasters.
Massive_Deal: There it is.
so i wrote out the heathers' story!! thanks to @My_Shipping_Senses_Are_Tingling for giving me a good storyline to work with!!! i took the liberty of changing the timeline of all this so that it happened in the heathers gang's junior year instead of senior, bc my idea is that this fic takes place a year after all the stories and i wanted them to still be in high school. enjoy!!
TW for referenced murder, attempted murder, and suicide
The Ultimate Groupchat, 6:07 pm
duck: GUYS HELP
duck: heather is being a bitch!!!
ronicaaa: stop. which heather, in what way, and why do you feel the need to scream in the chat about it
duck: which heather do you think? she wont buy me starbucks!! and i'm screaming in the chat about it CUZ ITS IMPORTANT
Jakey-D: no wait can you actually tell us which heather, some of us are unfamiliar with the friendship dynamic
duck: heather FUCKING chandler wont buy me a FUCKING iced coffee
macaroni: watch your FUCKING language
duck: shut up mac
macaroni: gonna go cry now
duck: no wait i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm just feeling a bit angry toward PEOPLE NAMED HEATHER right now
bicon: aren't you also named heather??
duck: oh fuck off
chandelier: heather i literally never said i wouldn't buy you starbucks, i just said i wouldn't buy you an iced coffe since it's like twenty-five degrees out rn
space_alien: oh. oh i see what's happening
duck: i told you it was important!!!
gothy-teen: what's going on? i just got here
duck: heather is BETRAYING THE GAYS
chandelier: what the fuck is that supposed to mean? i won't buy you iced coffee because it's freezing and i care about your well-being
duck: thanks, but i'm gay
chandelier: a., you're ace, b., being lgbtq does not mean you are incapable of drinking hot coffee
duck: but iced coffee is so much betterrrr
ronicaaa: she has a point
chandelier: i do not understand why someone would drink iced coffee when there is literal SNOW on the ground
space_alien: someone take away her gay card asap
chandelier: just because i'm not a lunatic doesn't mean i'm hetero!!!
ronicaaa: you're so weird
chandelier: says the girl who fucked a murderer
theatre-nerd: wait WHAT
ronicaaa: was he a murderer if he never technically killed anyone?
chandelier: *attempted murderer
bicon: ok i need to hear this story
chandelier: veronica?? you wanna tell???
ronicaaa: yeah sure
ronicaaa: it's kinda intense but
ronicaaa: after the northshore gang's story i think y'all can handle it
space_alien: our story isn't thaaat intense
ronicaaa: so for the first two years of high school, i was an outcast. martha and i were part of the peasant level of the student body, if you will, and the heathers were the queens. but on the first day of junior year, i got them out of detention by forging a hall pass for them, and they let me join their group as a thank-you.
ronicaaa: fine, i begged them to let me join and they relented
ronicaaa: anyway, a few weeks after joining the heathers this new kid named JD showed up at school and i was like damn ok this dude is kinda hot
ronicaaa: plus on the first day he beat up kurt and ram which was pretty funny tbh
ronicaaa: meanwhile heather c was being a bitch and she made me forge a note from ram to martha inviting her to his homecoming party
bicon: uhhh why
rainbow123: ram and i were best friends in kindergarten and everyone thought i was in love with him
ronicaaa: but she WASN'T lol
ronicaaa: still tho it was humiliating bc martha thought the note was actually from ram and she showed up at his homecoming party and thanked him for writing the note and he was like "what note? you're so weird"
ronicaaa: and then i felt bad so i defended martha and then puked vodka onto chandler's tits
ronicaaa: thank you, dear cousin
chandelier: it was quite unpleasant, if anyone was wondering
ronicaaa: anyhoo she basically told me she was going to end me so naturally i went to JD's house and slept with him
Jakey-D: um what
Jakey-D: had you even talked to him yet?
ronicaaa: yes! we had a deep convo in a 7-11!!!
macaroni: not really making the case you think you're making babe
ronicaaa: whatever!! i was drunk and he was hot and he seemed nice enough even though he clearly had some issues!
space_alien: what kinda issues
ronicaaa: mom-committed-suicide-right-in-front-of-him-and-dad-acted-more-like-a-child-than-a-parent kind of issues?
space_alien: jesus christ ronnie
ronicaaa: i know!! stop mocking me!! besides, janis, you already knew all this
space_alien: that doesn't make it better
Jakey-D: how'd you even find his address?
ronicaaa: the next morning i decided i needed to apologize to chandler and jd came with me and while i was mixing her a hangover cure i was joking about spitting into it and he was like "or we could fill it with draino"
bicon: whoa dude
ronicaaa: yeah. but i thought he was joking and i let him actually fill a mug with draino as a joke. and then when we went to go give heather her hangover cure i accidentally grabbed the wrong mug and almost gave heather the draino
ronicaaa: luckily she noticed before she drank it and everything was all good, except i was a little pissed at jd but i figured it was probably an accident so i didn't think much of it
ronicaaa: but then a few weeks later kurt and ram were JOKINGLY teasing me, but he didn't realize they weren't serious, and all of a sudden he had a gun pulled on them and his finger was on the trigger
bicon: jesus christ
ronicaaa: i know. so of course i was like omg jd stop and he was all "no they were being mean to you and they need to die, this is how we make the world better, we get rid of assholes, please, our love is god" and i grabbed for the gun and he dodged me and we ended up wrestling on the football field trying to get ahold of the gun and then all of a sudden it went off and he was gone
ronicaaa: and i was like "holy shit i just killed my boyfriend" and i just sat there next to his body until class got out and everyone came outside to see what was going on and idk what happened after that but all i know is that someone pulled me away from his body and they took him away and i haven't seen him since. he didnt even get a funeral, his dad disappeared the day after his death and a few weeks later they found him drowned in a river somewhere, his death was ruled an accident but everyone knows it was a suicide, just like jd's death was ruled an accident but everyone knows i killed him
space_alien: nah it was def an accident ronnie
ronicaaa: that's what mac always tells me
ronicaaa: that is the one thing i remember from after i shot him, when i was in shock and sitting at the steps of the school and just completely unaware of anything happening around me, mac came up to me and slapped me in the face and was like "jesus christ ronnie you could have died and that's not allowed i love you too much"
macaroni: we've been together ever since ;-)
bicon: damn that is intense
ronicaaa: told ya
space_alien: you are going to therapy, right?
ronicaaa: yes janis, that's like the twelfth time you've asked me that this week
space_alien: i'm just looking out for my baby cousin!!!
ronicaaa: i'm older than you??
literal_demon: sup y'all i just woke up
literal_demon: oh wow
literal_demon: i rly need to check my phone more often
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:47pm
ronicaaa: guys guys guys
space_alien: ronnie ronnie ronnie
ronicaaa: what do you call an elephant without meaning???
gothy-teen: ooh ooh wait lemme guess
gothy-teen: an irrelephant!!!
ronicaaa: dammit lydia that's exactly right
gothy-teen: yayyyy i'm so good at jokes
chandelier: good at jokes? i don't think that's a thing
gothy-teen: yes it is you hoe
gothy-teen: just sayin
wannahang: wait can we go back to the actual joke for a sec?
wannaride: yeah 'elephant without meaning' tf does that mean
ronicaaa: uhh idk it's just... ya know?
wannahang: ok that is NOT a good explanation
wannaride: do all elephants have inherent meaning?
wannahang: what kind of meaning?
wannaride: and why didn't this one have any?
wannahang: couldn't one argue that nothing has meaning anyway?
ronicaaa: ok wow that got deep fast it's just a joke guys
wannahang: well clearly not a very good one
space_alien: brooke and chloe kinda terrify me ngl
wannaride: thank you
calculust: guyssss remind me whose idea it was for me to join mathletes again
space_alien: yours?? literally every single one of us except kevin told you not to and then you were like fuck you i do what i want and joined it
calculust: oh yeah
calculust: why didn't you stop me??
space_alien: hey!! don't attack me!!! it's not my fault!!!
calculust: ok ok i'm sorry ily
ronicaaa: what's wrong w math team cady
calculust: we have a meet in like two days and i'm sooo stressed
space_alien: u literally win every single competition why are you freaking out
calculust: bc!!! the school we're competing against this time has won every competition they've ever been to
gspot: oh come on africa that's just bc the other schools are dumb
gspot: it'll be nice to finally have some real competition yo
calculust: save the trash talk for the meet, kevin
gspot: it's not trash talk it's straight FACTS
gspot: right right sorry
space_alien: come on caddy you're literally taking college level math classes rn these ppl are no match for u
calculust: the only reason i'm taking college courses is bc northshore ran out of classes for me to take
space_alien: proving my point
space_alien: don't 'whatever' me!!! i'm tryna help!!!
calculust: ik ik i'm sorry
space_alien: it's ok i love u <333
calculust: i love u too
Massive_Deal: Ew, feelings, gross.
space_alien: ok just be ur a single pringle doesnt mean u gotta take it out on us
Massive_Deal: I don't even know how to respond to that.
space_alien: then don't
micheal_sMells: guys my stepsister is being soooo annoying rn pls save me
gothy-teen: you have a stepsister???
micheal_sMells: yeah her name's elle she's 21 and she won't shut up about harvard
micheal_sMells: she's home for spring break and i'm counting down the days until she goes back to school
whyamievenheere: oh don't listen to him elle is actually super sweet
micheal_sMells: you only think that bc you don't have to live with her
whyamievenheere: neither do you most of the time
whyamievenheere: plus i'm usually with you when she is home so
chandelier: do we get to meet this woman??
ronicaaa: yeah add her to the chat
micheal_sMells: there's a slight problem
Massive_Deal: Oh, gross
ronicaaa: yeah nvm
micheal_sMells: thought so
The Ultimate Group Chat, 3:58 am
gothy-teen: i'm listening to driver's license by olivio rodrigo for the first time rn
gothy-teen: why did no one tell me this song was so FUCKING good???
zoeee: this is srsly your first time listening to it?
gothy-teen: i mean besides hearing the tiktok audio yeah
zoeee: damn you were missing out huh
gothy-teen: i really was!!!
literal_demon: LYDIA WHY IS THIS SONG SO SAD
literal_demon: I'M FUCKING CRYINF
gothy-teen: hey its not like i knew that before i put it on
literal_demon: yeah but this is our fourth time hearing it
duck: i thought you said it was your first?
gothy-teen: i put it on repeat
discoball: why are you all up right now???
gothy-teen: why are you???
discoball: my notifications woke me up
gothy-teen: turn em off
discoball: my notifications are not the issue here
idiot: kinda are tho
discoball: shut up connor
discoball: sorry it's just that it's FOUR AM
mynameiskaren: it's ok babe
mynameiskaren: just turn off notifications and go back to sleep
discoball: i can't :-(
mynameiskaren: i can come cuddle with you
zoeee: you're gonna leave your house in the middle of the night to go to your gf's house? seems risky
idiot: technically it's morning
idiot: and don't act like you and alana don't do the same thing
duck: ooh zoe got exposed
zoeee: oh fuck off
gothy-teen: can we go back to talking about driver's license?? please???
idiot: what is there to say other than it's a good song
gothy-teen: no connor
gothy-teen: it's a FANTASTIC song!!!!
literal_demon: i haven't seen lydia so excited about something since we kicked her dad out of the house that one time
zoeee: you did what???
gothy-teen: not important
literal_demon: for the record she's right, it is a good song
gothy-teen: RED LIGHTS, STOP SIGNS
bicon: I STILL SEE YOUR FAAAACE
bicon: it's a good song ok
gothy-teen: IN THE WHITE CARS
literal_demon: FRONT YARDS
gothy-teen: CAN'T DRIVE PAST THE PLAAACES
literal_demon: WE USED TO GO TO
gothy-teen: CUZ I STILL FUCKIN LOVE YOU BAAAABE
discoball has muted the chat
idiot: lol gretchen is so done
duck: aren't we all
literal_demon: we're just getting started
bicon: we should have started earlier in the song lol
gothy-teen: shhh it's fine
zoeee has muted the chat
gothy-teen: whoop we lost zoe
idiot: she went to go see alana
idiot: power of suggestion
duck: ahahah what a hypocrite
mynameiskaren has muted the chat
idiot: there goes karen
Tree_Boy: GO TO SLEEP
idiot: whoops look at that gotta go byeeee
idiot has muted the chat
Tree_Boy has muted the chat
duck: yeah im out too
duck has muted the chat
gothy-teen: just us
bicon: what a tragedy
literal_demon: SIDEWALKS WE CROSSED
gothy-teen: I STILL HEAR YOUR VOOOICE
bicon: IN THE TRAFFIC WE'RE LAUGHING
does anyone know how to add pictures to an Ao3 story? i know it's possible bc i've seen it done but i cannot figure it out for the life of me, it keeps asking for links and shit and idk what it's talking about. i wanna do a chapter on here where they all like share selfies or something fun like that but i can't get the pictures HeLp
i finally figured out how to put pictures!!! it's really not that hard i was just being an idiot lol
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:56 pm
space_alien: guys... i think... pictures
gothy-teen: please elaborate
space_alien: like send a selfie bc i wanna know what y'all look like
calculust: does this have anything to do with your mom's rant the other day about how teenagers these days don't even try to get to know each other???
space_alien: i just happened to realize that i've been texting a bunch of ppl who i've never even seen before
calculust: yeah right
calculust: your moms gonna be thrilled that she actually got thru to you
space_alien: no she's NOT bc you're not gonna fucking tell her
calculust: i'm texting her rn
toogaytofunction: ... anyway
toogaytofunction: i actually like this idea
gothy-teen: me too
lesbean: yeah i'm on board
space_alien: yay ok everyone send pics but no pressure if you don't want to
gothy-teen: i can go first
space_alien: that is not how i remember you
gothy-teen: you mean from that one drunken hookup two years ago? yeah i've changed
space_alien: just for reference y'all she used to have pink hair
space_alien: sorry not sorry
gothy-teen: fine you go next
calculust: this is me
toogaytofunction: my turn
toogaytofunction: ok well the first selfie i found is this one so sorry y'all you gotta see caddy twice
calculust: um rude
space_alien: yeah damian don't bully my gf
toogaytofunction: sorry sorry
lesbean: me and lyssa <333
toogaytofunction: awww you guys are so cute
gspot: sup fuckers
space-alien: damn kevin how'd u get that shot
gspot: it's my official mathletes promo photo
calculust: we have promo photos?
gspot: nah but if we did i'd use that one
duck: what... nevermind, doesn't matter
duck: that's me and the other heathers
duck: mac is on the left, chandler's in the middle, i'm on the right
chandelier: oh my GOD heather i look awful in that photo
duck: sorry! it was just the first one in my camera roll
ronicaaa: that's me and martha
alyssa_greeene: oh wow you really do look like janis
space_alien: some think we're secretly the same person
ronicaaa: who thinks that, janis?? who???
space_alien: ok no one actually thinks that
discoball: this is me with regina and kare
mynameiskaren: that's me on the left!!! and regina's in the middle
a-aron: here's me
idiot: look at that man
idiot: i'm so gay
idiot: anyway here's me
idiot: and here's my sister bc she's claiming that she doesn't have any good selfies
zoeee: what no i didn't say that
idiot: ik i just wanted an excuse to share this pic
zoeee: oh my god connor NO
Alana_Beck: I think you look cute!!
zoeee: thanks babe but i'm a bit preoccupied with murdering my brother rn
Alana_Beck Okay, cool. I can go next for the photo sharing!
zoeee: wait no i wanna share this pic i took of you the other day bc it's fucking adorable
Alana_Beck: When did you take that?
zoeee: while we were on the bus lol
zoeee: you look so focused
Tree_Boy: good job jared
kiNkY: why thank u
theatre-nerd: wait i wanna share a photo of jeremy
whyamievenheere: CHRISTINE NO
theatre-nerd: no it's funny i'm sharing it
theatre-nerd: look how scared he is lol
space_alien: this dissolved very quickly from let's-share-selfies to let's-humiliate-our-friends
space_alien: not that i'm complaining but
theatre-nerd: i have more
theatre-nerd: this is brooke n chloe
wannaride: christine you're literally supposed to be the nice one wtaf
wannahang: actually i don't totally hate that photo of us
wannaride: i mean it could be worse but STILL
bicon: imma get ahead of the christine train and share mine now
bicon: it's not great but it's the best one i had
theatre-nerd: damn guys i didn't have that many photos of you
bicon: your turn christine
theatre-nerd: ugh fine
micheal_sMells: oh come ON that picture is great
theatre-nerd: why thank you
micheal_sMells: i was being mean
theatre-nerd: yikes really
macaroni: wait i don't think kurt and ram ever did theirs
tallestdwarf: did what??
chandelier: oh good god
chandelier: here they are
tallestdwarf: hey that's us!!
duck: did we forget anyone??
calculust: OH MY GOD
macaroni: THAT SCARED ME SO BAD
ronicaaa: ME TOO
bicon: WTF DUDE
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:04 pm
michael_sMells: guys help
kiNkY: chaotic gays at your service, how can we help you today?
micheal_sMells: i... okay moving past whatever that was, im third-wheeling my stepsister's date w her bf and it is not fun
wannaride: how on earth did you let yourself get dragged into that?
micheal_sMells: idk!!! i mean i don't think they want me here either but my mom thought we should bond or something
micheal_sMells: i know!!!!
discoball: just lie and say you have homework or something
micheal_sMells: like they'd ever believe i didn't already do my homework
Jakey-D: once again micheal's studiousness is his downfall
micheal_sMells: studiousness isn't a word
micheal_sMells: but yeah
whyamievenheere: but if elle doesn't want you there can't you just leave?
micheal_sMells: did i say elle doesn't want me here? bc if so my bad, she definitely does
micheal_sMells: it's emmett that doesn't want me here
micheal_sMells: but he's too nice to say so
micheal_sMells: why are they both so GODDAMN NICE
whyamievenheere: ok. babe. try not to hate me for saying this... but you could maybe just like? make an effort with them? and you wouldn't be miserable??
micheal_sMells: if you haven't heard from me by tomorrow morning, i've died of boredom
theatre-nerd: must you always be so dramatic??
micheal_sMells: says the theatre nerd
theatre-nerd: fair enough
micheal_sMells has muted the chat
ronicaaa: how is everyone today
ronicaaa: whoa okay
ronicaaa: i was joking but what's wrong zoe
zoeee: connor's a dick
kiNkY: oh. so just the usual then?
Tree_Boy: pretty much
Tree_Boy: sorry babe
ronicaaa: what did connor do this time zoe
idiot: nothing!! everyone always blames me for everything
zoeee: he pushed me out a window!!!
zoeee: not funny!!!
idiot: oh shut up
idiot: you're clearly okay enough to bitch about it so
ronicaaa: wait we need the whole story
zoeee: okay so i was just minding my own business
idiot: she was nagging me about cleaning my room
zoeee: and connor got mad at me for no reason
idiot: she tried to start cleaning it for me
zoeee: and then he punched me
zoeee: and so i punched him back
idiot: really hard!!!
zoeee: and then we were wrestling
idiot: she was pulling my hair
zoeee: and he pushed me!!!
idiot: i ducked out of the way when she tried to kick me
zoeee: and i fell out the window!!!
idiot: it was four feet off the ground
zoeee: and now i'm injured
idiot: she has one small scratch on her arm
Alana_Beck: Oh no! Are you okay, babe?
theatre-nerd: and i thought michael was dramatic
idiot: she's got a point
ronicaaa has changed the chat name to Dramatic Gays
zoeee: um excuse
zoeee: i'm bi
ronicaaa: ugh fine
ronicaaa has changed the chat name to The Ultimate Groupchat
idiot: much better
i was feeling hostile toward the school system today if you can't tell
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:23 am
lesbean: what is it with high school teachers and the INABILITY TO TEACH
alyssa_greeene: aw babe are you in mr federline's class again
lesbean: yesss he's going over the EXACT SAME THING we did in social studies the other day
Jakey-D: wait how is that possible
alyssa_greeene: ms carstensen teaches ap biology, mr federline teaches health, and mr healey teaches social studies
lesbean: and ALL THREE CLASSES are in their stress and trauma response unit right now
lesbean: and right now i am reading the EXACT SAME video we watched in social studies yesterday AND i have to answer questions about the article about what i learned. I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING, karl, because i DID THIS YESTERDAY
chandelier: y'all refer to your teachers by their first names??
alyssa_greeene: not to their faces
lesbean: first names are for disdain purposes only
chandelier: ah i see
space_alien: hahaaa damian and i do the same thing
toogaytofunction: "more homework, sharon? really, sharon? this is unnecessary, sharon"
calculust: hey ms norbury is actually really nice
space_alien: you just think that bc she likes you
toogaytofunction: nah ms norbury's a mood
gothy-teen: open discussion: college
Jakey-D: necessary bullshit
toogaytofunction: but bullshit all the same
chandelier: really? i don't have a problem with it
ronicaaa: that's bc ur rich enough to not have to worry about paying for it
space_alien: exactly! it's like here's all my money and they STILL reject you
kiNkY: sounds like janis has gotten rejected from some colleges recently
space_alien: no actually i got into every one i applied to
space_alien: but that doesn't mean it's not bullshit
chandelier: then why'd you even apply?
space_alien: my mom maddddeee meee
space_alien: because she thinks college is linked to successsss
space_alien: also she wants me to have a better college experience than my high school one but that's only a very very very smol part of it
calculust: i think that college is a good path for some people but it shouldn't be the norm
ronicaaa: cady spitting facts
gothy-teen: i also don't appreciate how society puts so much pressure on grades
duck: school is basically just memorizing shit and then repeating it back to them
toogaytofunction: yes exactly
alyssa_greeene: 🎶 school is broken 🎶
Massive_Deal: Are you guys seriously texting in class? Again?
lesbean: yes ma'am
Massive_Deal: You're going to get caught.
lesbean: i accept your challenge
Massive_Deal: It wasn't a challenge.
lesbean: if you say so
alyssa_greeene: aaand emma just got called to the principals office
duck: for texting? seems excessive
lesbean: nah it's bc i have a doctors appointment
space_alien: damn that would've been funny if u got caught texting right after regina said you would
lesbean: sorry to disappoint
gothy-teen: okay new topic
gothy-teen: spotify or apple music
duck: apple music
ronicaaa: yeah apple music
space_alien: are you dead? spotify is so much better
chandelier: actually pandora is the best
gothy-teen: oh gross heather
chandelier: what? i'm entitled to my opinion
gothy-teen: not if it's a shitty one
Jakey-D: spotify is way better, you have to buy like all the songs on apple music
duck: not true!! plus spotify costs like 20 dollars a month or some ridiculous shit like that
space_alien: um no it's like twelve and that's only if you want spotify premium
ronicaaa: which everyone does bc spotify free is trash
space_alien: y'all are forgetting that apple music also requires a monthly subscription
ronicaaa: yeah but it's way less than spotify
space_alien: not really
alyssa_greeene: um guys they're literally exactly the same
space_alien has removed alyssa_greeene from the chat
lesbean: hey now
lesbean has added alyssa_greeene to the chat
alyssa_greeene: that was rude
space_alien: sorry not sorry
gothy-teen: ok i regret bringing this up
The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:57 pm
literal-demon: guys i have a fun bonding activity
chandelier: uh oh
lesbean: where's this going
literal-demon: everyone share how many places you've been kicked out of
alyssa_greeene: you've been kicked out of places?
gothy-teen: well technically i get kicked out of places bc of him
gothy-teen: just hit number twelve lol
alyssa_greeene: why??? how??? what???
lesbean: lydia you broke my gf
gothy-teen: would you like to hear all twelve stories?
calculust: idk do we
gothy-teen: yes you do i decided
literal-demon: they're all basically the same anyway
literal-demon: the employees yell at lydia for stupid reasons, she yells back, they pull the you're-making-people-uncomfortable card, and we leave.
space_alien: yo same!!!
toogaytofunction: janis no
toogaytofunction: i mean yes but you always get kicked out for good reasons
calculust: he's got a point
space_alien: name one
calculust: you dumped coffee on the starbucks barista yesterday bc you thought she was being sarcastic when she complimented you
space_alien: she said i had 'interesting' hair, i'm sorry if that doesn't sound like much of a compliment!!
ronicaaa: i mean to be fair that's kinda the only way you can describe your hair
toogaytofunction: you slapped the waiter at the restaurant bc he quote unquote "looked at you funny"
space_alien: he did!!
Massive_Deal: You called the cashier at the grocery store an "egotistical fuck" because they attempted to sell you a pack of gum.
space_alien: they were being annoying!!!
a-aron: you knocked over an entire bookshelf in the school library because you didn't like the ending of one of the books
space_alien: oh i'm sorry, did YOU like that augustus waters dies??? no!!! no one does!!!
duck: way to spoil it
space_alien: please, if you haven't read it by now you don't deserve to read it
discoball: you broke a chair in the movie theater by kicking it too hard
space_alien: it's not my fault my boots are so powerful!!!
mynameiskaren: you got into a fight with gym teacher bc he wouldn't give you back the flannel you left under the bleachers
space_alien: it was technnically caddy's flannel
calculust: is that where it went? i KNEW you were lying when you said you still had it
space_alien: i was trying to get it back for you
calculust: it's okay i love u
space_alien: i love you too
toogaytofunction: oh that reminds me!!! you guys ALSO got kicked out of the mall because they caught you making out behind a clothing rack
space_alien: i stand by the fact that they were being homophobic
calculust: well to be fair my shirt was most of the way off when they found us
ronicaaa: i think it's time i officially pass the crown of Family Fuck-up unto you, my dear cousin
space_alien: it worked
ronicaaa: what worked???
space_alien: my plan to get you to give me the title
lesbean: so you didn't do all those things?
space_alien: oh no i definitely did
space_alien: i just figured if they were all told consecutively in a dramatic way ronnie would have to give in
space_alien: thanks for the help y'all
ronicaaa: wait wait wait no that's not fair
ronicaaa: i take it back
space_alien: nah doesn't work that way
ronicaaa: you tricked me!!!
space_alien: but i didn't technically lie
toogaytofunction: ok now where's our money jan???
ronicaaa: wait you BRIBED them???
space_alien: worth every penny
ronicaaa: i hate you so much
this is an exaggerated version of a convo i had w my friends yesterday
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:07 pm
space_alien: i just found out im moving to ohio to live by veronica
ronicaaa: wait seriously??? omg!!!
discoball: wait you're leaving us???
space_alien: yeah :'(((
gothy-teen: uh oh
space_alien: i'm v sad
mynameiskaren: *crying emoji*
Massive_Deal: Guys, calm down. We can still FaceTime her and stuff. Right, Janis???
space_alien: aww do u care about me reggie?
Massive_Deal: Ha. No.
discoball: she's lying she's devastated ur leaving
Massive_Deal: Gretch!!! I am not!!!
mynameiskaren: she is
gothy-teen: what did cady and damian say???
space_alien: idk they haven't texted on here yet
theatre-nerd: you didn't tell them seperately?
toogaytofunction: ok ok everyone calm down we're here
calculust: what's going on?
lesbean: scroll up
discoball: are you guys ok?
toogaytofunction: what day do you think it is?
space_alien: april fools!!!
calculust: janis no
calculust: it's april second
space_alien: what??? no it's april first!!!
lesbean: wait a minute
alyssa_greeene: wait a damn minute
theatre-nerd: so you're not leaving???
space_alien: no it was a prank!!! i thought it was april fool's day!!!
space_alien: shut up lydia
ronicaaa: janis ur a day early lol
calculust: ... what??? no.
macaroni: it's a day late babe
ronicaaa: no??? it's march 31st???
toogaytofunction: good GOD
toogaytofunction: phone calendars don't lie y'all
ronicaaa: no!!! i missed my window for all my pranks
Massive_Deal: How do you guys function when you don't even know what day it is???
space_alien: jokes on you!! we DON'T function!!!
gothy-teen: ooh, self burn, those are rare
space_alien: nice b99 reference but How Dare You
chandelier: ok i've been following this conversation but
chandelier: this makes no sense and idk what's going on
gothy-teen: title of ur sex tape
chandelier: i... wow
space_alien: tag urself as a brooklyn 99 character, go:
toogaytofunction: uhh idk charles maybe?
discoball: also charles
mynameiskaren: uhh scully lol
discoball: babe no
discoball: the only hitchcock and scully's in this chat are kurt and ram
linebacker8hugedick4: i mean
mynameiskaren: idk then
a-aron: idk either
lesbean: amy?? i think?
alyssa_greeene: also amy
Tree_Boy: also amy
zoeee: uhhh also amy???
space_alien: why so many amy's guys
space_alien: i'm rosa
calculust: no babe
calculust: you wanna be rosa
calculust: but you're secretly jake
space_alien: nooo if i can't be rosa i wanna be the pontiac bandit
calculust: isn't that basically jake tho?
space_alien: caddy just let me have this
calculust: alls im sayin is that im an amy so if ur jake...
space_alien: ok ok i'm jake
space_alien: but for the record rosa and amy are a much better ship than jake and amy
Alana_Beck: I'm an Amy too!
space_alien: how did i get stuck in a chat w so many amys???
ronicaaa: if it makes u feel better i'm a jake
space_alien: that does not help
macaroni: im a charles
gothy-teen: ok but WHERE are all the FUCKING terrys???
rainbow123: im a terry
rainbow123: i mean im nowhere near as strong but
chandelier: i'm... kevin maybe?
duck: i'm kind of a terry ig
micheal_sMells: idk maybe charles too
wannahang: also gina
Jakey-D: jake lol
space_alien: is that everyone?
literal_demon: i haven't watched b99
space_alien has removed literal_demon from the chat
this started off as a nice april fools day text thread but it just kinda dissolved into brooklyn 99 i'm sorry
this is based on a tumblr conversation i read and could not stop laughing at
The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:48 am
zoeee: guys guys guys
zoeee: every single odd number has an e in it
literal_demon: wait not all of them
literal_demon: thirty and fifty don't have e's
calculust: 30 and 50 are even
lesbean: yeh if u can split it in half it's even
alyssa_greeene: 15+15=30, 25+25=30
duck: uhhh lyssa
theatre-nerd: 25+25 is not thirty
alyssa_greeene: it was a fcking typo calm down
toogaytofunction: lord have mercy
zoeee: guys guys guys relax
zoeee: and since all the odd numbers after that are variants of those numbers, all odds have the number e
gothy-teen: do we wanna know how zoe figured this out?
zoeee: i mean... it wasn't that hard
calculust: it's basic math
gothy-teen: technically it's not math at all
idiot: zoeee u forgot seven
Massive_Deal: Who failed you guys?
gothy-teen: public school
idiot: we're also gay and dumb and can't do math
micheal_sMells: you guys forgot about eight!!! it has an e and it's an even number
kiNkY: we're talking about odd numbers mikey
literal_demon: how are we still talking about this???
wannaride: guys... two is odd and doesn't have an e
wannahang: brooke honey
wannahang: are you really tryna tell us two is odd?
gspot: TWO IS ODD AHAHAHHA
discoball: what about zero tho? it's an odd number right?
a-aron: ok wait thirty and fifty make an e sound at the end so it still counts
calculust: AARON THEY DON'T MATTER THEY'RE EVEN
a-aron: oh yeah
Massive_Deal: What the actual fuck is going on here??
mynameiskaren: wait 1 is an even number
chandelier: i'm going to smack you
alyssa_greeene: negative thirty and fifty have e's
alyssa_greeene: oh wait they're even nvm
gothy-teen: wait can we go back to the zero idea
Tree_Boy: zero isn't a number
a-aron: it also can't be divided by two
lesbean: it can?? 0/2=0
zoeee: OD NUMBERS: onE!!! thrEE!!! fivE!!! sEvEn!!! ninE!!!
toogaytofunction: OD numbers huh
calculust: guys. anything that ends with a 0,2,4,6,8 is even and anything that ends with 1,3,7,9 is odd calm down
gspot: you forgot 5
kiNkY: WHAT ABOUT FOUR
space_alien: what about it
kiNkY: that doesn't have an e
calculust: IT'S FUCKING EVEN JARED
gothy-teen: a r e y o u g u y s o k a y
space_alien: this is art at it's finest
lesbean: wait wait wait back to the zero thing
lesbean: why did no one point out that it doesn't matter??? either way it has an e
gspot: zero's not odd. it's the lack of a number. it's neutral. it's empty. there's nothing there
space_alien: oh oh! like my brain
calculust: kevin zero is a number and it is odd
idiot: it's even
idiot: my username is literally idiot and i know that
idiot: literally google it
zoeee: this convo is a fucking train wreck
space_alien: anyone who thinks gays can do math is dumber than we are
Alana_Beck: Why did you have to do this to me??? I have a test in the morning!!!
toogaytofunction: wait alana ur smart
Alana_Beck: Yes I am, what's the question?
toogaytofunction: is zero a number?? and is it even or odd?
Alana_Beck: I don't fucking know and I don't care, none of you need to know that because it has an E!!! And it's not relevant to ANY math equation!!!
zoeee: damn y'all broke my gf
tallestdwarf: wait what about six
calculust has muted the chat
this chapter is reeeallyyy short but that's ok
The Ultimate Groupchat, 7:08 pm
discoball: guys i think i have an online shopping problem
discoball: a package just showed up at my door that's addressed to me but i do not remember ordering it at all
ronicaaa: well what's in it
discoball: a lawn chair!!!
lesbean: are you sure it's addressed to you??
discoball: did i order it in my sleep? did i order it by accident? did i order it on purpose and forget? why would i order it?
discoball: i think i'm losing my mind
discoball: no no janis it's a bad thing
space_alien: i didn't say it wasn't
bicon: i bought a piano from costco one time
bicon: i don't even play piano
bicon: it was just such a good deal
wannaride: i spent a thousand dollars at costco one time
wannahang: on what?!?
wannaride: i think there was a microwave involved
theatre-nerd: why would a seventeen year old that lives with her parents need a microwave?
wannaride: idk but now i can make food in my room
chandelier: good god
Tree_Boy: my mom banned me from online shopping bc the account was linked to her credit card and i kept spending wayyy too much
theatre-nerd: lmao same
gothy-teen: i purposely put my stepmom's credit card on my account so that it always charges to her lol
discoball: guys you aren't helping me!!! what should i do about the lawn chair???
bicon: put it on your lawn???
bicon: seems kinda obvious to me
ronicaaa: or send it back
discoball: i can't send it back i ripped the packaging
Massive_Deal: Gretch! The number one rule of online shopping is that you never rip the packaging!
discoball: i didn't do it on purpose!
Alana_Beck: Am I the only one who is responsible with their money?
Alana_Beck: Okay then.
the lawn chair thing actually did happen to me i kid you not
omg i am literally OBSESSED with we are the tigers!!! @KitKat404 thank you so much for recommending it to me!!! i've added the characters here, feel free to suggest different usernames and/or ships, i put kate/eva because that's the only canon ship and i don't feel like i know the fandom well enough to ship anyone else yet. anywayyy yeah i also said that they were from california bc i couldn't find anything saying where it's meant to be set, but if you know pls put it in the comments and i'll change it
@Angel_In_The_Night_Sky i also put the beetlejuice story for ya! hope you like it
TW for referenced murder, trauma, and attempted suicide
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:57 am
ronicaaa: guys i met some random ppl on snapchat can i add them
space_alien: are they gay?
ronicaaa: yep every last one of them
space_alien: then yes approved
kiNkY: lmao i love how being gay is literally the only criteria for being on this chat
ronicaaa: i mean yeah
space_alien: never met a gay i didn't like
space_alien: cept gina
Massive_Deal: Oh wowww very mature, Janis.
ronicaaa has added anythingbutwallflower to the chat
ronicaaa has added captainoftheteam to the chat
ronicaaa has added it'stheLittleThings to the chat
ronicaaa has added shut_up_and_queer to the chat
ronicaaa has added katty to the chat
ronicaaa has added happier to the chat
anythingbutwallflower: what dis
katty: what's going on
ronicaaa: hi welcome to chili's
space_alien: ronnie no
gothy-teen: welcome to gay hell
happier: sounds festive
ronicaaa: everyone pls state your name, pronouns, and sexuality. lydia will then proceed to send you the doc with all of our pronouns and shit and you will be initiated
it'stheLittleThings: wait this isn't like a cult or a gang or anything right
it'stheLittleThings: cos there were some of those in prison and they were scaryyy
macaroni: prison??? ronnie what have you done
it'stheLittleThings: i was falsely accused calm down
ronicaaa: yeah she was falsely accused mac geez
macaroni: but did you know she was falsely accused when you added her to this chat is the question
ronicaaa: moving on! no this is not a cult per se, it's just... it's not a cult ok
katty: sounds sus but ok
katty: hey i'm kate, she/her lesbian
calculust: and you go by katty?
space_alien: well that's not gonna be confusing
katty: uhh why?
calculust: i'm cady, i go by caddy
katty: oh i see
katty: well it's probably fine
anythingbutwallflower: ok well hi i'm cairo she/her (trans) bisexual
captainoftheteam: reese she/they queer
it'stheLittleThings: mattie she/her questioning
shut_up_and_queer: eva she/her demi lesbian
happier: annleigh she/her pan
gothy-teen: cool beans
gothy-teen: here's the word doc, you can update it with your stuff: ultimategc.doc and yes there are three heathers get over it
calculust: wait i thought it was a notes list?
gothy-teen: yeahhhh notes crashed, it couldn't handle all the gay so i made a new one in a word doc instead
kiNkY: so where y'all from
anythingbutwallflower: salem oregon
lesbean: i hear they like the gays there is that nice?
anythingbutwallflower: i mean they mostlyyy like gays especially near san francisco where we live but yeahh it's pretty chill
alyssa_greeene: imagine having rights woah
duck: so mattie why'd you go to prison
it'stheLittleThings: oh it was a murder charge
anythingbutwallflower: again mattie i'm sorry for throwing you under the bus
it'stheLittleThings: cairo i stg if you apologize again i'm going to die
anythingbutwallflower: but i'm sorry!!!
it'stheLittleThings: ik and i forgive you so shut up
duck: oh now i'm reeeally intrigued
captainoftheteam: ok so we're all on the cheer team right? and every year we have a cheer sleepover, and last year at the sleepover annleigh's stepsister farrah was murdered at the sleepover
anythingbutwallflower: and our friend chess
shut_up_and_queer: and annleigh's bf clark
captainoftheteam: ok clark was not murdered i didn't know it was him and it was basically self-defense
space_alien: oh shit
anythingbutwallflower: yeah. anyway we thought we'd all be safer if we threw mattie under the bus, since she was super drunk and already had blood on her from hitting her head
it'stheLittleThings: yeah so i went to juvie for a while
shut_up_and_queer: anyway it turned out that our old captain riley killed farrah and chess bc she didn't think they were good for the team so she's in jail now and we're only a lil bit traumatized
anythingbutwallflower: we're all in therapy now
ronicaaa: omg annleigh dead bf's club!
happier: lmao yay
gothy-teen: oh and dead relatives club
happier: i feel validated
literal_demon: can i tell them about the thing
gothy-teen: ugh do you have to
space_alien: yes he has to beetlejuice speak
literal_demon: so basically i'm a demon from the netherworld, right?
duck: i... okay
literal_demon: no but actually
space_alien: no we believe you it's just we're too dead inside to be shocked
literal_demon: hm. disappointing. but basically i'm only visible to the strange and unusual
calculust: sounds about right
literal_demon: this reaction is v disappointing
ronicaaa: finish the story dude
literal_demon: right so i wanted to scare people and to do that i had to be visible, right? so i found some humans that were about to die, their names were adam and barbara, since the recently deceased can make me visible by getting a human to say my name three times
gothy-teen: right. but adam and barbara are the least scary people ever, so it didn't work. fortunately for beetlejuice i had just moved into their old house after my mom died, and i could see him even though i wasn't recently deceased. so he talked me down from killing myself and tried to convince me to say his name three times, but i was like nah bitch adam and barbara are gonna help me scare my family back to my old house
literal_demon: but it didn't work bc as lydia said adam and barbara are the least scary people ever. so she got real mad and said my name three times, and i then proceeded to run her dad and life coach off the premises, and then we had some fun scaring the shit out of random people
gothy-teen: and then bj fucking TRICKED me into doing an exorcism on barbara by telling me it would bring my mom back, and then to stop it he forced me to marry him, which would make him alive again, but before i did he opened the door to the netherworld, which i went into with my dad and we had a lil "oh dip we can't bring mom back" moment and then came back to stop bj from killing everyone
literal_demon: yep, so she married me and made me alive, then stabbed me again so i was recently deceased and tried to send me to the netherworld, but then my mom came and tried to take lydia instead but i was like nah lydia's cool so i made a sandworm eat my mom, and then i decided that killing was bad so now i don't-live with lydia and adam and barbara and lydia's parents
literal_demon: why are none of you freaked out?
ronicaaa: i mean my dead boyfriend's ghost used to haunt me before he went into the netherworld so
annleigh: yeah same with my stepsister and ex-bf
katty: and my dead friend chess
gothy-teen: see bj i told you they'd get it
literal_demon: but i didn't want them to get it!!
gothy-teen: bj, what's our mantra?
literal_demon: we don't traumatize humans. we don't kill humans. humans = good
space_alien: omg it's michael from the good place
whyamievenheere: omg yesss
literal_demon: no!!! micheal is not scary! i am scary!!
gothy-teen: bj what did we JUST SAY
literal_demon: we don't traumatize humans?
gothy-teen: good job. now go make out with adam or something
anythingbutwallflower: this is chat is never going to let me sleep, is it?
Massive_Deal: Like we said, welcome to gay hell.
Ultimate Groupchat, 1:09 pm
anythingbutwallflower has renamed katty to themeanone
anythingbutwallflower has renamed happier to Horse_Girl
themeanone: umm that was homophobic
themeanone: i am NOT the mean one
Horse_Girl: yeah and i'm not a horse girl
anythingbutwallflower: babe ily but you 100% are
themeanone: i'm not that mean right???
shut_up_and_queer: not to me
themeanone: that's not an anser!!!
space_alien: lol anser
themeanone: shut up or i will rip your throat out with my bare hands
themeanone: oh yeah now i see it
macaroni: nooo kate just be nice!!!
anythingbutwallflower: i don't think she's capable of nice
shut_up_and_queer: again, she is to me
anythingbutwallflower: stop flexing eva
ronicaaa: just warning y'all mac reeeally doesn't like it when people are mean to each other so prepare to get yelled at about it on a daily basis
duck: wait wait guys
duck: so i know i'm not supposed to ask about your trauma or whatever
duck: but i reeally wanna hear about this riley lady
it'stheLittlethings: well what do you wanna know
duck: what was she like and why did she think murder was the answer to her problems
anythingbutwallflower: a., she was very controlling but very very sexy and b., no one knows
anythingbutwallflower: what?? she was hot guys
themeanone: and you used to accuse ME of being in love with MY best friend
space_alien: hmm where have i heard that story before
themeanone: LESBIANS CAN BE FRIENDS WITH GIRLS AND NOT WANT TO FUCK THEM OK Y'ALL
toogaytofunction: uhh jan you've been in love with every single girl you've ever been best friends with
space_alien: ok that's because i've only ever had two female best friends and it's not my fault they're both so fucking hot
calculust: she's got a point
space_alien: of course i do
discoball: wait isn't it lesbian visibility day?
shut_up_and_queer: no it was yesterday i thought
chandelier: wasn't it two days ago?
calculust: google says it was april 26th
wannaride: yeah so it was yesterday
rainbow123: wait no isn't today the 28th?
zoeee: i thought it was the 25th what
idiot: wait the 25th of which month
gothy-teen: it's may connor
a-aron: LYDIA IT'S APRIL WTF
gothy-teen: it is???
Alana_Beck: Guys, calm down, it's the 28th of April today.
captainoftheteam: WAIT i just realized that we're all in different time zones
lesbean: what does that have to do with anything
captainoftheteam: well that's why we were so confused
ronicaaa: i'm fucking crying reese that's not how time zones work
Massive_Deal: How are you people still alive?
space_alien: sheer willpower, gina, that's how
kiNkY: I REFUSE TO DIE
literal_demon: i'm not alive anyway soooo
gspot: we're all gonna be on our deathbeds and then just be like "nah not today satan" and just fucking get up and walk out of the damned hospital
anythingbutwallflower: i mean i was locked up with a murderer for multiple nights and i'm still here
shut_up_and_queer: THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS YOUR GF CAIRO
anythingbutwallflower: ok girlfriend is putting it generously, it's more like we kissed one time
themeanone: at least she didn't STAB YOU IN THE FUCKING LEG
literal_demon: ok i think kate wins most near-death experience
it'stheLittlethings: i joined a prison gang and didn't end up shivved
gothy-teen: that's great mattie but I WENT INTO THE LITERAL NETHERWORLD???
literal_demon: FINE, you almost died, YOU WIN
gothy-teen: thank you
happy belated lesbian visibility day y'alls
hi folks! sorry for no update last week, i try to update every wednesday but i have like five different going projects rn and i forgot to prioritize. my school just went back to in-person which is great but it means i can no longer multitask during class so updates might be slowing down a bit, but i have no intention of abandoning this fic for a good long time so do not fret!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:23 pm
captainoftheteam: camping. thoughts?
idiot: random but uhhh sure camping's cool
Massive_Deal: Gross, no.
Tree_Boy: what do you mean??? i love camping!!!
zoeee: hence his username
Tree_Boy: trees are like the most reliable organism on the planet zoe how can you hate them
zoeee: i didn't say i hated them! and they're not that reliable
Tree_Boy: name one instance where a tree wasn't completely sturdy and calm!!!
zoeee: well off the top of my head, the time when that branch gave out and sent you plummeting to the ground!!!
Tree_Boy: I LET GO ZOE IT WASN'T THE TREE'S FAULT
captainoftheteam: ooookayyy i feel like we're getting a liiittle off track
Jakey-D: why do you need to know our thoughts on camping??
captainoftheteam: bc annleigh wants me to go camping with her and cairo and everyone this weekend and idk if i should
alyssa_greeene: uhh didn't three people die the last time you all spent a night together?
shut_up_and_queer: that's what i said!!!
Horse_Girl: guysss cmon riley's in jail now we're fine
anythingbutwallflower: yeah plus it's not a cheer thing it's just a friendly excursion
duck: wow i wasn't rly expecting cairo to be on board with this
anythingbutwallflower: i get to share a tent with annleigh if we go <3
discoball: so it's entirely selfish then?
anythingbutwallflower: yeah pretty much
themeanone: i'd go if we were gonna stay in a hotel room but six teenage girls alone in the woods seems like a recipe for disaster
zoeee: and six teenage girls in a hotel room doesn't?
themeanone: at least there's no mosquitoes in a hotel room
idiot: she's got a point
captainoftheteam: well yeah if we were going to a hotel room i'd definitely go
it'stheLittlethings: me too! as long as you guys don't make me get drunk again
shut_up_and_queer: well i follow kate everywhere so if she's going i'm going
anythingbutwallflower: but the shared tent!!!
Horse_Girl: we can share a bed babe
space_alien: i've had an amazing idea
space_alien: so ya know how there are all those aesthetics for how people dress like egirl soft girl and those people that wear sweatpants and tank tops and somehow always look hot and then there are all those weird ones but anyway is there just a plain old slut aesthetic??? bc i've never seen that but i think it should be a thing
alyssa_greeene: i- what
calculust: jan... what do you think a slut aesthetic would be
space_alien: wdym?? it's slutty clothes!!!
wannaride: yeahhh people will deeefinitely be down to say they have a *slut aesthetic*
wannahang: but you can still try
ronicaaa: don't a lot of other aesthetics include slutty clothes
space_alien: ronnie ronnie ronnie
space_alien: how are we related???
space_alien: other aesthetics have short clothes
space_alien: this aesthetic would be way more intense
space_alien: picture modest stripper clothes
Massive_Deal: Janis, you CANNOT make an aesthetic and call it 'slut aesthetic'.
space_alien: yes i can!!
calculust: might wanna come up with a better name babe
space_alien: stripper aesthetic!!! or modest stripper aesthetic!!!
Massive_Deal: That's... not any better.
gothy-teen: "i love your clothes! what do you call your style?" "oh ya know, i'm just kinda aiming for the modest stripper vibe"
space_alien: yes perfect!!!
gothy-teen: no i was being sarcastic
space_alien: no no it's perfect
anythingbutwallflower: what the fuck is going on
mynameiskaren: there's no way of knowing
i copied the stripper aesthetic part from my groupchat word-for-word i'm not even joking
ok guys so the more time i spend obsessing over watt the more i like farrah and i really wanna include her in this fic along with chess and clark but i've already said that they're dead so?? does anyone have any suggestions on a plausible way for them to be a part of this? like maybe they come back from the netherworld since we've already said they were ghosts and they can be kinda like beetlejuice where they're still dead but they're able to text, idk i'm just really regretting not making this an au where they're all still alive
also, if anyone wants to give me watt prompts please do, i want to write something with those characters outside of this chat but i don't have any ideas soooo yeah
fuuuuck i forgot to update ond wednesday again sorry lads
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:56 am
hopelesslosergorl has joined the chat
checkers has joined the chat
clarky-boy has joined the chat
ronicaaa: who dis
space_alien: lydia i thought this was a private server
gothy-teen: weeeeelllll beetlejuice may have gotten ahold of my phone and changed it
literal_demon: nuh uh!!! i didn't do it!!!
hopelesslosergorl: ya i hacked annleighs fone an got the link lol
duck: wait i thought farrah was the dead one
checkers: excuse you there are three dead ones
clarky-boy: yeah we matter too geez
themeanone: chess??? clark???
literal_demon: aren't you all supposed to be in the netherworld?
hopelesslosergorl: lol probably
hopelesslosergorl: but it was boring so we left
checkers: it was pretty easy actually
clarky-boy: yeah its way less complicated than everyone makes it sound
checkers: yeah now we ghosts
gothy-teen: ok i'll send you all the google doc in a separate chat
gothy-teen: please state your name pronouns and sexuality for the record
hopelesslosergorl: am farrah
clarky-boy: i'm clark, he/him bi
checkers: i'm chess, she/they lesbian
checkers: there's three heathers???
Massive_Deal: Oh good Lord.
hopelesslosergorl: wiat i have question
hopelesslosergorl: is v important
hopelesslosergorl: ok ok so
hopelesslosergorl: if siri were a person
hopelesslosergorl: would you be friends with them
space_alien: um yes obviously
Massive_Deal: What??? Janis, no.
space_alien: why not??? you'd just have a dictionary all the time
duck: don't you already have that when they're in your phone?
space_alien: ohhh yeah
gothy-teen: i feel like siri would make a very creepy friend
idiot: yeah youd just be chillin and then she'd pop up and be like "ask me what i can do!"
ronicaaa: lmao i like how connor and zoe showed up specifically to debate this particular subject
idiot: it's very important ok
hopelesslosergorl: ew zoe has a boring name
idiot has changed zoeee's name to yalikejazz?
yalikejazz?: i hate you
mynameiskaren: laughing emoji!!!
hopelesslosergorl: you also have a boring name
discoball has changed mynameiskaren's name to SexyMouse
clarky-boy: so what do y'all talk about on this chat??
checkers: they probably sit around and share their feelings lol
gothy-teen: ew, no
space_alien: the topics are far weirder than that
space_alien: but i think farrah at least is gonna fit right in
hopelesslosergorl: siri would make a great friend guys
checkers: that is not a ringing endorsement, janis.
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:47 pm
Horse_Girl: farrah's hauntinggggg meeeee
Horse_Girl: not funny!!!
Horse_Girl: she turned invisible and then dumped flour in my hair!!!
hopelesslosergorl: i love being ghost
themeanone: at least you don't have to deal with chess popping up out of nowhere every two seconds and scaring the shit out of you!!!
Horse_Girl: no farrah does that too
Alana_Beck: Shouldn't you guys just be glad you have your friends back?
clarky-boy: yeah you guys should appreciate us more
anythingbutwallflower: i mean y'all haunted us before you went to the netherworld too sooo
clarky-boy: i haunted YOU cairo, no one else
anythingbutwallflower: but whyyy?
clarky-boy: bc i thought you killed farrah and chess
hopelesslosergorl: yeah i thought you killed me too
checkers: me too
clarky-boy: you also stole my gf
Horse_Girl: no she didn't!!! you'd been dead like six months when we got together
clarky-boy: ik ik i was kidding
clarky-boy: sorry i accused you of murder, cairo
anythingbutwallflower: eh it's fine i was the obvious suspect
whyamievenheere: y'alls conversations are literally so fun to watch
micheal_sMells: yeh i got my popcorn
hopelesslosergorl: :-0 are we nothing but entertainment to you micheal
micheal_sMells: ... yes?
space_alien: lmao farrah has such crackhead energy
ronicaaa: so does literally everyone in this chat tho
space_alien: fair enough
hopelesslosergorl: wait no go back to calling me special
Horse_Girl: no don't it'll only encourage her
hopelessgorl: i'm not a five-year-old!!!!
Horse_Girl: you take afternoon naps
hopelesslosergorl: being dead is tiring!!!
Horse_Girl: YOU DID IT BEFORE YOU DIED TOO
hopelesslosergorl: stop yelling at meeee
hopelesslosergorl: guysss annleigh's bullying me
macaroni: hello yes i am here what's going on
ronicaaa: oh now you've done it farrah
space_alien: you've awakened the bully police
hopelesslosergorl: oh wait no i don't want that to be a thing
hopelesslosergorl: i bully too many people for that
Horse_Girl: yeah by DUMPING FLOUR IN THEIR HAIR
hopelesslosergorl: oh calm down annleigh it wasn't that bad
Horse_Girl: tell that to my shampoo bottle
hopelesslosergorl: shampoo bottle, it wasn't that bad
micheal_sMells: *munches popcorn happily*
The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:06 pm
space_alien: happy first day of pride month bitches
lesbean: it's the second day of pride month but thanks
space_alien: is it??
gothy-teen: dear god this needs to stop happening
calculust: babe are you ok
alyssa_greeene: GUYS i was just walking downtown and i overheard this poor woman talking to her friend and she was like "i grew up in this town, and i hated it, so i moved away after high school and didn't come back for like thirty years, and then for some IDIOTIC REASON i moved back last year and guess what? i STILL HATE IT"
yalikejazz: god i hope that's not me in thirty years
a-aron: y'all this is totally unrelated but i fucking DESPISE it when my math book asks me what i think about the math
toogaytofunction: omg yes!! like you think i have any clue???
wannaride: i'm just punching out numbers man idk
wannahang: yeah and even then i still get stuff wrong
themeanone: omg ikkkk they're like "what can you observe about your answer?" and i'm like,,, it's wrong?
theatre-nerd: ahahah exactly
checkers: lmao i do not miss school
hopelesslosergorl: me niether
themeanone: oh shut up
Horse_Girl: guys cairo texted me at like one am last night and was like "i have three points i want to make" and then didn't make the three points
anythingbutwallflower: i did?
anythingbutwallflower: i have no recollection of sending that so i don't have any explanation for you
gothy-teen: omg so mysterious
theatre-nerd: maybe someone stole her phone and sent it!!
theatre-nerd: it's possible!!
Alana_Beck: She probably was just overtired and confused.
lesbean: maybe she sent it in her sleep
alyssa_greeene: omg like sleeptalking but texting
space_alien: oh i'm pretty sure i've done that before
space_alien: caddy don't you have a list of random things i've texted you?
calculust: everything you text me is random
toogaytofunction: yeah you just act like you're sleep deprived all the time so we don't have a way to tell the difference
space_alien: well that's bc i AM sleep deprived all the time
calculust: you should really sleep sometimes babe
Tree_Boy: guys i have a major problem
Tree_Boy: well see
Tree_Boy: i haven't done my math homework
Tree_Boy: and i need to
Tree_Boy: but the thing is
Tree_Boy: i reeeeeally don't wanna
Tree_Boy: im sitting here watching tiktok and my mind is going "ok, we're getting up now. we're walking into the bedroom and digging the assignent out from the depths of the void we call a backpack, and we are sitting down to complete it" but in reality we are not doing any of those things bc my body is not getting the memo
kiNkY: lmao i haven't done math hw in years
idiot: yeah i think you're fine
Tree_Boy: i think i'm a student who is going to pass his classes if he can just bring himself to do the fucking math
space_alien: you can do it tomorrow
Tree_Boy: no the test is tmrw
gothy-teen: you can do it tonight
Tree_Boy: it is tonight already
Tree_Boy: plus the nighttime is for watching tv
space_alien: nononono let me give you a lesson in procrastination
Tree_Boy: i don't think i need a lesson since that's what got me here in the first place
space_alien: shut up this isn't about you
macaroni: janis!!! kind words!!
space_alien: see evan the thing is
macaroni: don't listen to her evan go do your math
idiot: oh and that french thing for tmrw
space_alien: what french thing??? i didn't do it
calculust: jan. babe. love of my life. they don't go to our school.
space_alien: oh yeah
Tree_Boy: what french thing connor
idiot: the book thingy
Tree_Boy: oh i already did that
Tree_Boy: plus i'm not coming to french class tmrw
yalikejazz?: wait why
Tree_Boy: i have a drama club thing
Tree_Boy: this is why y'all should join theatre
Tree_Boy: it gets you out of class
idiot: can we join it later
yalikejazz: are you procrastinating on joining drama club?
space_alien: and that's why you shouldn't procrastinate kids
calculust: ??? weren't you just saying that procrastination is good?
space_alien: that's in the past caddy
space_alien: the fourth rule of procrastination
space_alien: the past=never
calculust: oh good lord
anythingbutwallflower: it's 5 pm
space_alien: i didn't say i was going to sleep
space_alien: i said goodnight
space_alien: bc i don't wanna be cybrbullied
space_alien: and y'all are rude
space_alien: lol i forgot how to spell rude and had to use the voice thingy
calculust: on second thought maybe you should go to sleep
ackkk sorry for no update on wednesday AGAIN, it was my friend's birthday and i ran out of time
The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:07 pm
yalikejazz changed their name to thebettermurphy
idiot: um rude
thebettermurphy: but not technically incorrect
idiot: i disagree
thebettermurphy: your username is literally idiot and you haven't bothered to change it
idiot: where is mac when you need her??? this is bullying!!!
macaroni: sibling rivalry doesn't really count
idiot: oh how convenient
theatre-nerd: GUYS important question
theatre-nerd: what color shoes should i get??
themeanone: wow thought that was gonna be way more interesting
thebettermurphy: seems i'm not the only one who lives up to my username
themeanone: shut up
lesbean: what are the options christine
theatre-nerd: red, white, yellow, black, blue
hopelesslosergorl: ooh red
checkers: no yellow
gothy-teen: chess and farrah have reached peak sexual tension
hopelesslosergorl: wot no
checkers: we're already dating
Horse_Girl: how was this not the first thing you told us when you came back from the netherworld???
hopelesslosegorl: i dunno
Horse_Girl: good lord
checkers: anyway yellow is obviously the right choice christine
hopelesslosergorl: BABE NO
theatre-nerd: ...i'll get blue
thebettermurphy: ew no
thebettermurphy: get white
idiot: ZOE you idiot white shoes are the worst color of shoes
idiot: they just get dirty!!!
thebettermurphy: yeah but they're pretty for the first few days
theatre-nerd: yeahhh i'm removing white from the list
gothy-teen: you should get black
macaroni: no that's boring get yellow
theatre-nerd: ok im flipping a coin
theatre-nerd: heads=red tails=yellow
checkers: what no red should be heads
theatre-nerd: i literally already flipped the coin but ok
theatre-nerd: heads=yellow tails=red
theatre-nerd: TOO LATE I ALREADY FLIPPED IT
theatre-nerd: either way it's yellow
gothy-teen: that makes no sense
theatre-nerd: i'm placing the order
checkers: yellow for the winnnn
checkers: nooo baby i'm sorryy
checkers: but not sorry enough to root for yellow
hopelesslosergorl: oh whatever
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:46 pm
gothy-teen: thank goodness i watched that one
space_alien: what the fuck is going on
ronicaaa: watch the video janis
space_alien: i did!!!
ronicaaa: what did it say
space_alien: nothing!!! it was just a video of clay!!!
gothy-teen: yeah but what was the guy talking about
space_alien: what guy???
space_alien: oh wait
space_alien: you have to turn the VOLUME on
space_alien: why didn't anyone tell me that?
calculust: babe i think that should sort of be implied
duck: also it wasn't clay
duck: it was slime and paintballs
space_alien: you know what heather
space_alien: uhh idk
macaroni: wait my phone isn't loading the video what did it say
ronicaaa: oh it was this guy saying "send this video to your friend and if they don't text back the word 'sky' it means they didn't watch the video and they're a fake friend"
macaroni: oh i see
space_alien: i'm not a fake friend!!!!
ronicaaa: yeah you're just dumb
ronicaaa: sorry not sorry
space_alien: you're just as dumb as me
macaroni: janis be nice
space_alien: you didn't defend me when veronica was bullying me!!!
macaroni: yeah well i like ronnie better
space_alien: I Am Hurt
calculust: why do i feel like we've had this exact conversation before
ronicaaa: probably because we have
space_alien: we're very repetitive
macaroni: it's sort of a problem
space_alien: well it's not our fault nothing new ever happens
hopelesslosergorl: is people returning formt the dead not intresting enouhg for u???
Alana_Beck: The spelling... I can't.
hopelesslosergorl: shtu up
space_alien: i mean we had beetlejuice long before y'all showed up sooo
hopelesslosergorl: but does beeteljuice realy count?
macaroni: farrah be nice pls
hopelesslosergorl: sorry not sorry
calculust: omg guys i was gonna tell you
space_alien: what what
calculust: i already told you about this jan
calculust: anyway i was babysitting this kid the other night and he was like "do you get to use calculators in high school math?" and i was like "uhhh yeah" and he was like "what!!! but then you're not doing any work!!!" and i was like "listen brandon do you know what a cosine ratio is" and he was like "ew, no!! is that your math?? that sounds hard!! i don't want to do high school math!!"
space_alien: me neither brandon
gothy-teen: lmao how old is he
calculust: he's in fifth grade
ronicaaa: fifth graders are terrible
calculust: he kept asking me if i had a boyfriend
space_alien: and what did you say
calculust: here i shall reenact the conversation:
calculust: brandon: do you have a boyyyfriend???
calculust: me: nope
calculust: brandon: do you want a boyyyfriend?
calculust: me: not particularly
calculust: brandon: why not??
calculust: me: because i have a girlfriend
calculust: brandon: no i mean like someone you date
calculust: me: yeah i know that's what you mean
calculust: brandon: *stares in confused hetero*
space_alien: that is the funniest shit ever
gothy-teen: cady bestie i think brandon might have been hitting on you
calculust: i really don't get why kids are always in love with their babysitters
toogaytofunction: i wasn't
space_alien: that's because your babysitter was a girl dumbass
toogaytofunction: the point still stands
space_alien: does it?
space_alien: also caddy weren't you obsessed with that peace corps guy? that's sort of the same thing
calculust: janis i was TEN let it GO
calculust: i never should have told you that
space_alien: yeah probably not
Massive_Deal has muted the chat
duck: we scared regina away
ronicaaa: this is how we know regina was in love with her babysitter
space_alien: yeah she was
toogaytofunction: ooh tea
space_alien: she had this babysitter named holly and she literally never shut up about her
space_alien: it was exhausting
Massive_Deal has unmuted the chat
Massive_Deal: i can sense you guys talking about me
Massive_Deal: Janis, WHY would you say that
space_alien: i'm just stating facts
space_alien: fact: regina george is a raging lesbian
Massive_Deal: Yeah, we already knew that.
space_alien: fact: regina george is a bully
Massive_Deal: Fact: Regina George is going to murder Janis Sarkisian
space_alien: fact: she couldn't if she tried
gothy-teen: fact: no one cares about anything y'all are saying right now
space_alien: this chat is so mean to me
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:57 pm
macaroni: so i'm being a counselor at a summer camp this week
macaroni: and i have to sign in all of the kids
macaroni: and this morning i was FREAKING OUT bc i couldn't find the pen
gspot: you were freaking out bc you couldn't find a pen?
Alana_Beck: I get that
discoball: don't even try aaron
macaroni: anyway i was ON MY KNEES looking for it
macaroni: and then one of the parents was like "um are you looking for that pen in your hand?"
ronicaaa: sorry babe it's just...
space_alien: VERY relatable
ronicaaa: what she said
SexyMouse: stuff like that happens to me all the time lol
SexyMouse: one time i forgot i was supposed to open a door before i walked through it
calculust: it's true i was there
checkers: karen would you be offended if i laughed at that
SexyMouse: no :)
checkers: good bc i already am
Horse_Girl: one time i almost got hit by a car because i forgot to finish crossing the road
Massive_Deal: I actually DID get hit by a car because I forgot to finish crossing the road.
Massive_Deal: Well if I'd said bus it wouldn't have been as nicely repetitive, now would it?
calculust: somethings sounds grammatically incorrect about that sentence
Massive_Deal: Shut up, Cady.
Massive_Deal: Sorry, sorry.
Tree_Boy: i fell out of a tree because i forgot to hold on
space_alien: i fell out of a window because i forgot to hold on!!
micheal_sMells: love how we're all bonding over our collective stupidity
space_alien: shut up micheal it's the best kind of bonding
micheal_sMells: i didn't say it wasn't!!!
theatre-nerd: i fell off a stage in the middle of a show once
linebacker4hugedick8: i dropped a football because i forgot how to hold things
tallestdwarf: i got hit in the head with a football because i forgot to use my eyes
gothy-teen: that explains a lot
ronicaaa: that might have been the most words i've ever hear kurt and ram say at once
hopelesslosergorl: i got stabbed because i forgot to look behind the shower curtain
sorry y'all but this is gonna be the last update for a couple weeks, i'm going on a trip and won't have cell service or anything :((((
but hey i gave you this week's update a day early soooo
although it is verrrryyy short
i'm back!!! updates will still be sporadic throughout the rest of the summer but i'll do my best to get y'all at least one a week
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:37pm
gothy-teen: guysssss i hate summer so much
a-aron: whoa whoa whoa you did NOT just say that
anythingbutwallflower: yeah summer's the best lydia are you okay
gothy-teen: no i am not
gothy-teen: but back to my point
gothy-teen: summer is just so BORING
literal_demon: oh please you just don't like doing anything fun
gothy-teen: once again, bj, arson is illegal
literal_demon: yeah but i'm a ghost so i don't have to face consequenses
gothy-teen: i'm not having this conversation again
space_alien: lydia you hate school too
gothy-teen: this is true
wannaride: lydia just doesn't know what she wants
gothy-teen: this is also true
Alana_Beck: I agree about summer!! It's why I choose to invest my time in internships and such!
idiot: zoe your girlfriend is doing that thing again
yalikejazz?: what thing
idiot: the thing where she's annoying
anythingbutwallflower: he's kinda right
it'stheLittlethings: why does alana lowkey remind me of riley
themeanone: alana are you gonna go psycho and murder our friends?
Alana_Beck: If you keep insulting me, I might not have a choice.
yalikejazz?: idk whether to be terrified or turned on
space_alien: omg guys look it's jake peralta and amy santiago
yalikejazz?: i am Honored
macaroni: summer is great guys
macaroni: you get to relax and hang out with your friends!!
idiot: oh mac
space_alien: ever the wholesome one
macaroni: well someone has to be
macaroni: who else is gonna stop y'all from complaining about every situation??
space_alien: i meannnn
idiot: i feel like this chat is evenly divided into rays of sunshine and grumpy depressed gays
yalikejazz?: tread very lightly here, brother dearest
idiot: zoe falls into the latter catergory
yalikejazz?: oh fuck off
hopelesslosergorl: wich one m i??
space_alien: well based on your user...
hopelesslosergorl: no that's a joke tho
macaroni: it's a very dark joke!!!
hopelesslosergorl: and??? r u challenging me bitch??? you wanna go???
checkers: calm down babe
lesbean: um connor can we add a third catergory?
idiot: state your claim
lesbean: the weird ones??
idiot: i'll allow it
hopelesslosergorl: is ths suposed to be a dig?
lesbean: well it's not NOT supposed to be a dig
ronicaaa: guys i think there are WAY more catergories than just those three
idiot: are you tryna overthrow the system ronnie? bc you can't
ronicaaa: janis why did you put me in this stupid chat
space_alien: i didn't do it!! didnt you make it??
gothy-teen: no i did
space_alien: i think we're having the same conversation again guys
yalikejazz?: this needs to stop happening
gothy-teen: well maybe it WOULDN'T if summer weren't so BORING
a-aron: oh lord are we back on this again
gothy-teen: yes!! doesn't anyone agree with me?
Alana_Beck: I said I did!!
gothy-teen: yeah but you're like a robot
theatre-nerd: no no she's AMY, not captain holt
a-aron: yeah lydia get it right geez
checkers: y'all need to stop referencing whatever show you're referencing
space_alien: wait WHAT
discoball: chess have you really not watched brooklyn 99?
themeanone: dw guys i'm trying my best to educate her on tv shows
checkers: i don't like sitcoms!!
space_alien: banish her
checkers: wait no i'll watch it i promise
idiot: i'll allow it
a-aron: wait who put connor in charge
gothy-teen: idk it just kinda happened
yalikejazz?: i vote we stage a coup bc things will go downhill very quickly with him in charge
ronicaaa: i vote mac should be in charge
ronicaaa: since she's the one who stops us from murdering each other and all
macaroni: aw thanks babe
hopelesslosergorl: i mena ive alredy been murdred but go off i gues
Horse_Girl: FARRAH STOP MAKING DEATH JOKES
hopelesslosergorl has changed Horse_Girl's name to Horse_Gorl
Horse_Gorl: i hate you so much
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:59 am
hopelesslosergorl: guys i can't slep
checkers: babe we're ghosts we don't sleep
literal_demon: speak for yourself i love sleeping
anythingbutwallflower: if y'all love sleeping then WHY ARE YOU AWAKE
gothy-teen: she makes a solid point
gothy-teen: good night
space_alien: dammit cairo you just lost us our most interesting conversationalists
toogaytofunction: janis i am Hurt
kiNkY: sorry guys you're just not audience favorites
hopelesslosergorl: i wil have you knw that the auidence LOVES ME
hopelesslosergorl: they like my murder jokes :-)
bicon: sorry, uh, what audience??
space_alien: the audience!!!
toogaytofunction: of the show
bicon: and what's the name of the show
theatre-nerd: GUYS NO
theatre-nerd: WE'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL
hopelesslosergorl: oh shit shes rigth
hopelesslosergorl: we musnt break the forth wall
kiNkY: it'll break the precious balance
checkers: i feel out of the loop
space_alien: idk what to tell you man
checkers: i feel ganged up on
space_alien: again idk what to tell you
bicon: they gang up on everyone chess you're not special
space_alien: this is true
space_alien: at least i'm sometimes nice
kiNkY: and i can be nice if i try
space_alien: i'm nice to caddy
space_alien: babe?? are you awake to back me up??
kiNkY: anyway janis is a bad influnce is all i'm saying
space_alien: YOU KNOW WHAT JARED
toogaytofunction: y'all combined is bad news
kiNkY: stop yelling i was just tryna clear the air
space_alien: there was no air to be cleared
anythingbutwallflower: guys can i go to bed now??
hopelesslosergorl: we never said you couldn't
anythingbutwallflower: i didn't wanna miss anything
checkers: you're really not missing anything interesting
space_alien: i agree
toogaytofunction: what are we even talking about anymore
space_alien: come on damian get your head in the game
kiNkY: yeah dude cmon
toogaytofunction: that's not an... ok i'm going to bed too bc i'm too tired to comprehend janis's brain anymore
space_alien: it is a scary place
kiNkY: yeah mine too
kiNkY: you should visit sometime
space_alien: we have a wonderful tourist program
hopelesslosergorl: goodnight everyone 🥛
anythingbutwallflower: FARRAH NO
anythingbutwallflower: NOT THE MILK
hopelesslosergorl: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MILK
anythingbutwallflower: NOTHING YOU'RE JUST OBSESSED WITH IT
space_alien: this is the first i've heard of it
hopelesslosergorl: yall need to chill
hopelesslosergorl: milk cant stand up for itself!! its prolly sucidal at thsi poitn
anythingbutwallflower: MILK STANDS UP JUST FINE
anythingbutwallflower: EVER HEARD OF LACTOSE INTOLERANCE
space_alien: ok wow this is a lot even for me
kiNkY: yeah same goodnight everyone
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:57 pm
space_alien: i love yuoo al so muchhh
space_alien: cept reginld
lesbean: is janis drunk
space_alien: noo caddy it a sercet shhhh
calculust: it was a secret until you found your phone
toogaytofunction: cady don't you know you're never supposed to give a drunk person their phone??? especially janis
calculust: i tried!! she stole it right out of my pocket!!!
toogaytofunction: drunk janis is sneaky janis
calculust: well i know that NOW
toogaytofunction: ok caddy i'm coming over
calculust: thank god
space_alien: can ouy coem help mee out of dis bush
space_alien: i fel off teh pocrh and now m stukc
calculust: you- I LOOKED AWAY FOR TWO SECONDS
space_alien: im sorreeeee :-(((
calculust: it's ok bby
space_alien: i luv youuu
calculust: love you too janjan
calculust: but seriously damian hurry up
toogaytofunction: i'm driving as fast as i can
macaroni: don't text and drive!!!
macaroni: also when you say you're driving as fast as you can you mean as fast as you LEGALLY can, right??
toogaytofunction: sorry i can't text and drive so i can't answer you're question
toogaytofunction: shut up alana
macaroni: DAMIAN BE NICE
macaroni: also janis you're SEVENTEEN you should not be drinking
hopelesslosergorl: i startd drinkin when i was forteen
macaroni: there are far too many illegal things happening right now
space_alien: no on ajsed you mac nchese
calculust: janis!! be nice
macaroni: did you just call me mac n cheese
space_alien: ehll yeh i did
ronicaaa: i apologize for my cousin
space_alien: i aploogizze for YOUR FACEE
ronicaaa: good lord
space_alien: m so funny
calculust: janjan i think it's bedtime
space_alien: not tired!!!
toogaytofunction: ok cady im here
calculust: thank god can you please help me get her out of this bush
space_alien: no i liek thsi bush
chandelier: i thought you wanted cady to help you escape the bush??
space_alien: tht was sooooo kong ago hether u dont even remeber it
chandelier: i don't or you don't??
space_alien: nobody knoews
shut_up_and_queer: is she always like this when she's drunk??
toogaytofunction: actually she's always like this period
toogaytofunction: she just usually has better spelling
space_alien: im v god at speling
space_alien: HEY WIAT NO DON TAKE MY BUSH FROM MEE
shut_up_and_queer: do we think she's gonna remember any of this in the morning??
ronicaaa: not a chance
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:45 pm
yalikejazz?: guys a random guy on snapchat asked me to draw him
idiot: um has he seen you draw
idiot: i'm kidding you can draw like 10000 times better than me
yalikejazz: thank you
yalikejazz?: but that wasn't the most important part
gothy-teen: ooh what was
yalikejazz?: the picture he sent me to base the drawing of
whyamievenheere: uh oh
wannaride: dick pic alert
yalikejazz?: ok no it was not a dick pic i should not have opened that way
yalikejazz?: but in the picture he was riding a DUNE BUGGY
gothy-teen: AHAHAHA THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER
yalikejazz?: I KNOW RIGHT
theatre-nerd: did you actually draw him
yalikejazz?: yeah but now he wants to meet in person so i can give it to him which seems kinda sketch
themeanone: don't do it
themeanone: there is no way he's not into you
yalikejazz?: ugh so are all the other kaydens i know
micheal_sMells: how- how many kaydens do you know
idiot: that is Alarming
yalikejazz?: they're all assholes too
yalikejazz?: one of them said i have a symmetrical face
ronicaaa: bro that was the first thing mac ever said to me
macaroni: it's true
ronicaaa: she said if she took a meat cleaver down the center of my skull she'd have matching halves
macaroni: it's very important!!
chandelier: it's true i taught her that
yalikejazz?: that's kinda sus guys are you okay
bicon: zoe i feel like you should know not to ask that question by now
yalikejazz?: yeah probably
yalikejazz?: anyway i should probably block that kayden right
yalikejazz?: what with the meat cleaver and everything
ronicaaa: you remember that he didn't actually say that part tho right??
yalikejazz?: oh yeah
yalikejazz?: but he's straight so i'll block him anyway
theatre-nerd: are you...
yalikejazz: nooo i support their lifestyle i just wish they would be quieter about it
theatre-nerd: lmao my phone didn't recognize the word heterophobia bc it's not a real thing
themeanone: as it should
Alana_Beck: Isn't it past your guys' bedtimes?
bicon: shhh the adults are talking
Alana_Beck: About what?
Alana_Beck: Oh, I scrolled up.
Alana_Beck: Babe? Block all the Kaydens.
two updates in a week? i really do be spoiling y'all
anyway i finally caved and got tumblr, it's @parkitaco if you're interested but no pressure <333
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:48 am
alyssa_greeene: WAIT zoe i never found out what ended up with that surgery you made us all take
lesbean: zoe made us all take a survey about what color she should dye her hair a few weeks before we added you to the chat
hopelesslosergorl: but- SHE SIAD SURGRY
lesbean: she meant survey
alyssa_greeene: you don't know that
alyssa_greeene: zoe could have forced me to get my appendix removed
alyssa_greeene: I WANT MY APPENDIX ZOE
lesbean: well i got the SURVEY too so i doubt it
alyssa_greeene: what survey idk what you mean
yalikejazz?: yeah emma idk what you're on about i clearly have alyssa's appendix
yalikejazz?: it was part of our plot to murder farrah
hopelesslosergorl: joks on yuo im alredy dead lol
yalikejazz?: oh yeahhh
yalikejazz?: anyway the appendix is in a jar on my nightstand
yalikejazz?: i look at it every night before i go to sleep
theatre-nerd: welp that escalated quickly
idiot: dammit guys i thought i was gonna get to hear an awesome story about how zoe almost killed alyssa and she had to get emergency surgery
hopelesslosergorl: nope they jst wanna murdur me
alyssa_greeene: been our goal this whole time
hopelesslosergorl: christine will u please be on my side
theatre-nerd: yes i'll protect you
theatre-nerd: ALYSSA zoe help i don't think i can keep up this "on her side" act much longer we gotta act fast
alyssa_greeene: yeah christine you're a terrible liar i think she's gonna see through it
yalikejazz?: wait why is alyssa's name in caps but not mine
theatre-nerd: bc autocorrect is dumb
hopelesslosergorl: yoo guys are so mean
yalikejazz?: sorry farrah i think someone hacked all of our phones
alyssa_greeene: it was prolly one of the kaydens smh
lesbean: anywayyyy zoe what color's your hair
yalikejazz?: oh! i decided i didnt actually care about y'all's opinions so i didn't dye it
idiot: it was very anticlimactic
theatre-nerd: yeah jesus christ
alyssa-greeene: goodnight i guess?
lesbean: might as well go to sleep after this disappointment
yalikejazz?: where's the anti-bullying police when you need her
The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:36 am
Horse_Gorl: guys wake up
gothy-teen: bold of you to assume i ever went to sleep
Horse_Gorl: is anyone else awake??
kiNkY: im up
ronicaaa: me too
wannahang: me too
Horse_Gorl: ok well i got this app thing
Horse_Gorl: and it's like a game
Horse_Gorl: it's called exposed download it so we can try it
gothy-teen: okey i downloaded it
kiNkY: me too
wannahang: me too
ronicaaa: oh good lord
ronicaaa: i thought this was gonna be something important
Horse_Gorl: just download it
kiNkY: veronica this is important!!
gothy-teen: yeah veronica come on
ronicaaa: shhh i'm playing lemmings
gothy-teen: what the fuck is lemmings
space_alien: it's a video game she's obsessed with
space_alien: it's becoming a problem
space_alien: i'm busy rn but ill download it in a min ok annleigh
gothy-teen: JANIS THIS IS A RIGHT NOW IN THE MOMENT KIND OF THING
kiNkY: yeah that's sort of the point
wannahang: what could you possibly be busy doing?
gothy-teen: nice try
kiNkY: wait you can read
space_alien: haaaahaaa jared you're soooo funny
ronicaaa: okay i'm downloading it
kiNkY: shut up veronica we're on a new thing now
kiNkY: sorry mac
kiNkY: miss veronica, would you please shush your adorable mouth so that the grownups can talk
kiNkY: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME
space_alien: ok i'm ready
ronicaaa: i thought you were busy
space_alien: i'm not anymore
kiNkY: ok i need to know what you were doing
space_alien: i told you
kiNkY: you were lying
space_alien: i was
ronicaaa: janis no one is going to leave you alone until you tell us
space_alien: FINE i was playing lemmings
ronicaaa: I WINNNN
gothy-teen: win what
space_alien: we had a bet that she would get me addicted to lemmings
Horse_Gorl: if y'all don't join the game in like thirty seconds we're starting without you
space_alien: ok i'm joining
ronicaaa: me too
space_alien: wait this game makes no sense
ronicaaa: yeah i'm so confused
wannahang: me too
gothy-teen: this game is weird annleigh
Horse_Gorl: okay FINE i tried something and it didn't work
Horse_Gorl: sue me
hopelesslosergorl: u dont hve any money
Horse_Gorl: shut up farrah
yalikejazz?: guys none of my hoes are responding to me
yalikejazz?: the kaydens
kiNkY: ZOE are you OBJECTIFYING the men in your life
kiNkY: shame on you
kiNkY: but also i support it
yalikejazz?: you do?
kiNkY: we're actually all robots
kiNkY: so yeah we are objects
ronicaaa: good to know good to know
macaroni: is alana at all concerned that you have a barrage of suitors lined up?
yalikejazz?: babe why are you awake??
Alana_Beck: Sleep is for the weak and unproductive, Zoe.
space_alien: well jokes on you bc none of us sleep and we're all weak and unproductive anyway
kiNkY: nice roast on yourself janis
space_alien: thanks i try
wannahang: either we play exposed again
wannahang: or we go to sleep
ronicaaa: nah imma play lemmings
space_alien: me too
ronicaaa: right and then you're gonna venmo me ten bucks bc i won
ronicaaa: thank you
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:16 pm
yalikejazz?: EVAN WE HAVE AN ISSUE
Tree_Boy: what did you do
yalikejazz?: i scheduled a hair appointment
idiot: oh no, how will we ever cope??
yalikejazz?: you guys don't understand
yalikejazz?: it's on the day of evan's end-of-summer party
Tree_Boy: ZOE HOW COULD YOU
lesbean: i thought zoe decided not to do anything with her hair
yalikejazz?: i changed my mind
yalikejazz?: i'm putting back the indigo streaks
yalikejazz?: and it's a longggg appointment
Tree_Boy: can't you move the appointment??
yalikejazz?: lemme check
yalikejazz?: oh wait
yalikejazz?: i lied
yalikejazz?: it's the day before
Tree_Boy: thank god
yalikejazz?: so i'll have dope hair for the party
Alana_Beck: Isn't it a pool party?
Alana_Beck: So won't the dye come out?
yalikejazz?: eh it's fine
alyssa_greeene: but you can't swim
yalikejazz?: yes i can
yalikejazz?: i'm very talented
Tree_Boy: no zoe it would be so sad if the chlorine messed with it the day after you dyed it
yalikejazz?: nooo it's fineeee
idiot: just put your hair up and be super careful
yalikejazz?:okey i will i promise
gothy-teen: you can put up a huge sign saying don't splash zoe
gothy-teen: tho if i were there it would just make me want to do it more
idiot: there will be a fine of 10 bucks
yalikejazz?: idk maybe i should just reschedule the appt
lesbean: no don't
lesbean: just don't swim it's easy
lesbean: bc if you do it earlier then there will be even more swimming situations to avoid
yalikejazz?: no i meant like make it later
yalikejazz?: but then i wouldn't have it for the start of school and that's no bueno
alyssa_greeene: yeah just don't swim
yalikejazz?: but y'all have to hold me to that ok?? don't let me do anything dumb
yalikejazz?: and make that sign too
yalikejazz?: or i will
yalikejazz?: tape it to my forehead
yalikejazz?: dress in red like a big warning light
kiNkY: there will be a stand where we charge people if they splash zoe
lesbean: the proceeds from the stand will go toward replacing the money zoe is spending on the hair dye
idiot: but no one will ever have to do that because no one. will splash. zoe
Alana_Beck: This is getting sinister.
yalikejazz?: as it should babe, as it should
warning: the following contains spoilers about the tv show how i met your mother
but if you haven't watched it already you deserve to have it spoiled
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:37 pm
yalikejazz?: guys it's official
yalikejazz?: i have no more kaydens left in my snap contacts
yalikejazz?: thank you thank you
themeanone: i think she was being sarcastic zoe
shut_up_and_queer: was not
shut_up_and_queer: yeah ok
yalikejazz?: wow you caved easily
themeanone: yeah she's a weakling
themeanone: sorry babe i wouldn't say it if it wasn't true
anythingbutwallflower: well that's just not true
themeanone: name one time i've said something that wasn't true
anythingbutwallflower: you pretended to be straight for like two years
themeanone: THAT'S because i THOUGHT you guys were all STUPID little HETEROSEXUAL CHEERLEADERS
yalikejazz?: well that just makes you stupid
yalikejazz?: i wouldn't say it if it wasn't true
anythingbutwallflower: oohhh she flipped it on you
themeanone: I KNOW CAIRO
yalikejazz?: did we really move on from my kayden thing this quickly
shut_up_and_queer: zoe we love you and we're very proud of you but watching kate and cairo argue is better than tv and interrupting it is like taking a phone call in the middle of an episode of modern family
duck: MODERN FAMILY i love that show
chandelier: mehhh how i met your mother is better
discoball: omg wait i love himym
chandelier: YES ok thoughts on ted and robin
discoball: stupid, they shouldn't have bothered
chandelier: I KNOW RIGHT
discoball: thoughts on lily and marshall
chandelier: perfect, obviously
chandelier: how about barney and robin
discoball: perfect, amazing, genius
chandelier: when barney got hit by that bus and they were talking about how the things you love flash before your eyes and he was looking at robin i almost cried
ronicaaa: wait a hot second
ronicaaa: heather almost cried?? over a fictional hetero relationship??
discoball: shut up veronica you don't understand the character development
Massive_Deal: As someone who has actually gotten hit by a bus I can assure you that that's not what you think about.
chandelier: way to ruin our vibe reggie
Massive_Deal: I'm just saying! When a speeding vehicle comes at you, you don't really have enough time to have an epiphany. You just think, "Oh my God I'm going to die" and then the next thing you know you're lying in a pool of your own blood and some anxious chick is screeching her head off.
discoball: that was me
Massive_Deal: Well, it was irritating.
chandelier: some idiotic man just told me i'm a basic bitch because i like halsey and taylor swift
chandelier: should i give him a long rant or just block him??
lesbean: long rant long rant long rant
chandelier: alright how's this
chandelier: things are popular for a reason you fucking idiot!! i'm not gonna try to be "not like other girls" just because the patriarchy wants to lump all women into one category and say that they're basic just because they can't stomach the idea of girls having thoughts and opinions, so if you would kindly STOP ATTACKING ME just because i like artists that other people like (for good reason) that would be great because you're acting like a real man right now and it's not cute
alyssa_greeene: how did you type that so fast
chandelier: this guy is not the first to call me basic
chandelier: i have like ten rants in my notes app for various situations so i can just copy and paste and utterly destroy anyone who questions me
Massive_Deal: Damn. Respect.
chandelier: thank you
chandelier: i sent that one to the guy and he left me on read
ronicaaa: he probably went to go cry
chandelier: he did. i'm sitting in a coffee shop and he's sitting a few tables over.
themeanone: he just... happened to be there??
chandelier: welllll he's on a date with this girl i know and i had a feeling he wasn't gonna treat her well so i tracked him from his insta story and he's been dming me the whole time
chandelier: i'm surprised he hasn't noticed me yet
chandelier: then again, dming a girl while pretending to be interested in the girl in front of him probably takes up as much brainpower as his singular braincell can handle
shut_up_and_queer: chandler reallly woke up and chose violence this morning huh
chandelier: oh honey i choose violence every morning
themeanone: i'm kinda scared
hey y'all! sorry this update is a little shorter and a little later than usual, i started school again this week and it's been hectic. i'm going to start updating once a week on weekends, but i might miss one every once in a while bc of homework etc. enjoy the new chapter!!
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:27 pm
discoball: my people!! where the fuck are you
calculust: in class
discoball: what?? but class just got out
space_alien: yeah but we're all already at the classroom
discoball: y'all are so weird wtf
toogaytofunction: you're weird!!!
discoball: am not!!!
discoball: oh wait actually i'm already at class too
calculust: wait gretch
calculust: no you're not
discoball: yes i am
discoball: can u see me??
calculust: no!! so you're not in french!!!
discoball: yeah i'm outside my classroom
calculust: NO YOU'RE NOT
Massive_Deal: Gretchen isn't in French class. She's in Spanish.
calculust: sorry gretch
discoball: sorry mac
discoball: cady you're very intelligent
calculust: yeah i know
SexyMouse: im at home driking coffe
discoball: babe why aren't you at school???
SexyMouse: didn't wanna
alyssa_greeene: are you guys,,, like,,, okay
lesbean: at least they're cheerful about it
TW for murder and death mentions
The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:06 pm
gothy-teen: he's dead :-(((
michael_sMells: wait what???
macaroni: HE'S DEAD?????
gothy-teen: yep :-)
gothy-teen: NO LMAO
gothy-teen: HE'S FINE
calculust: omg i was about to be so concerned
clarky-boy: i was thinking that the choice of emoticon was a bit strange for a death announcement
gothy-teen: you people have terrible senses of humor
anythingbutwallflower: that's fucking morbid
gothy-teen: oh shut up cairo you had a boner for a murderer
anythingbutwallflower: I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A MURDERER WHEN I LIKED HER
themeanone: idk cairo i feel like you could have puzzled it out
anythingbutwallflower: you didn't!!!
themeanone: WELL IM A DUMBASS CAIRO
whyamievenheere: *jake peralta voice* ooh, self-burn, those are rare
themeanone: also cairo you were her best friend sooo
anythingbutwallflower: don't poke my trauma kate
space_alien: DON'T POKE MY TRAUMA
space_alien: i'm stealing that
ronicaaa: psshhhh what trauma do you have
space_alien: did you miss the day where i recounted my tragic backstory
ronicaaa: my boyfriend killed three people
space_alien: oh big deal who hasn't
macaroni: JANIS NO
calculust: dammit mac you beat me to it
ronicaaa: it's ok mac i'll protect you from my evil murderer cousin
space_alien: hey you don't have proof
ronicaaa: you just basically gave me proof
whyamievenheere: another self-burn
michael_sMells: calm down babe
whyamievenheere: i'll calm down when i'm dead
ronicaaa: well if you keep interacting with janis you might not have to wait very long
space_alien: YOU KNOW WHAT VERONICA
space_alien: uhh idk i hadn't thought that far
macaroni: how did we get from lydia's dog not being dead to this
ronicaaa: idk but it was probably janis's fault
space_alien: actually it was cairo's fault
anythingbutwallflower: actuallyyy i think it was lydia's fault
gothy-teen: hey now we don't need to point fingers
macaroni: yeah let's just take a breath here
ronicaaa: mac, sweetie, i love you
ronicaaa: there isn't one
macaroni: okayyyy i love you too i guess
ronicaaa: YOU GUESS??
macaroni: nooo that's not what i meant
macaroni: nooo babyyy i'm sorry
macaroni: want me to kiss it and make it better
anythingbutwallflower: shut up lydia it's not our fault you're lonely
macaroni: cairo be nice
anythingbutwallflower: do i have tooooo
macaroni: i will snap your neck
anythingbutwallflower: oh dear god sorry lydia jesus christ
gothy-teen: i forgive u :-)
space_alien: one day i aspire to terrify people as much as mac does
macaroni: noo i don't want people to be scared of me!! :-)))
ronicaaa: aww you're so cute babe
space_alien: that's what you think
space_alien: she's got everyone fooled
space_alien: *suspenseful music*
macaroni: oh shut up janis
space_alien: yep sorry
The Ultimate Groupchat, 7:18 pm
SexyMouse: gretch did we haev chem homwork
SexyMouse: what is it?
discoball: idk the thingy thingy
discoball: i haven't done it yet
SexyMouse: tell me wen you have
Massive_Deal: I've done it.
Massive_Deal: Do you want it?
SexyMouse: wayt do we have liek the same hw scedule?
Massive_Deal: Which one is it?
SexyMouse: thats wat i need to know!!
Massive_Deal: Didn't she tell you which homework it is?
SexyMouse: the teacher told us but i wasn't listening
discoball: she meant me babe
SexyMouse: oh well you disapered
Massive_Deal: Actually, I was talking about the teacher.
Massive_Deal: Can't you look in your packet?
SexyMouse: yeh but the doo dates arent in it
Massive_Deal: Just do everything that's related to the lab you did in class.
Massive_Deal: Is it the measurement stuff?
SexyMouse: no we alredy did that
Massive_Deal: Which lab did you do in class?
Massive_Deal: Also where did Gretchen go? She's in your class isn't she?
SexyMouse: idkkkk :-(((
Massive_Deal: I don't think there's any homework, though.
SexyMouse: but gretchen said their was homewerk!!
discoball: it's the handout babe
SexyMouse: i dont have a handowt!!
discoball: wait maybe it wsnt
discoball: ohh it's the density problems
SexyMouse: ohhh ok
Massive_Deal: Good Lord Gretch why didn't you just say that in the first place?
discoball: i got confused!!!
discoball: sorry for being human
calculust: oh psshhh you always use that excuse
calculust: also yes the density problems are due tomorrow
themeanone: was cady just watching this all go down while she had the answer
themeanone: i mean it in a good way
calculust: then yes
space_alien: nice one babe
calculust: thank you
themeanone: anyway aren't y'all seniors why are you taking chem
toogaytofunction: idk our school's like weird
anythingbutwallflower: how articulate damian
calculust: he's right
calculust: we're all in ap chem tho
themeanone: oh well you could have jsut said that
SexyMouse: yeh like yuo cold have told me aboot the chem hw
calculust: it was FUNNY i'm SORRY
macaroni: cady i think we have different ideas of what's funny
calculust: yes well i might be a bit high atm
discoball: what??? cady heron is high???
calculust: janis made me
space_alien: hey don't blame me!! it was your idea!! don't make me out to be some kind of pusher!!!
discoball: i'm a pusher cady i push people ahahahh
calculust: not funny
discoball: kinda funny
toogaytofunction: ok but like how is she typing so well
calculust: im very talented
space_alien: and i'm typing for her
toogaytofunction: are you not high too??
space_alien: i will be in a couple minutes but caddy's a fuckin lightweight
calculust: takin phnoe beci now
calculust: an i m not litweth
space_alien: yes you are
Horse_Gorl: Does pot even work that way? I thought that was just alcohol
hopelesslosergorl: oh what would you know annleee
Horse_Gorl: how do you still not know how to spell my name??
hopelesslosergorl: bc you're a dumb butt
Horse_Gorl: you're a dumb butt!!
hopelesslosergorl: wow how creative
Horse_Gorl: that's a big word for you farrah i'm suprised you spelled it right
hopelesslosergorl: oh fuck off
wannahang: this is the most sibling interaction i've ever seen
hopelesslosergorl: well annleigh told me i'll never be her sister so not really
Horse_Gorl: aw farrah i didn't mean that
Horse_Gorl: i was super sad when you died
macaroni: shh baby don't spoil the moment
ronicaaa: i didn't mean to!!
macaroni: *sighs* you never do
ronicaaa: don't be mean!!!
macaroni: sorry sorry
anythingbutwallflower: it's kind of amazing how similar cady and janis's interactions are to mac and ronnie's
toogaytofunction: cinematic parallels
wannaride: i thought this was a show?? not a movie????
toogaytofunction: actually it's a fanfiction comprised of the characters from various broadway shows
space_alien: damian are you high too
toogaytofuntion: how dare you suggest that i, a dedicated actor, would meddle with my own brain and risk reducing the impact of my performance??
space_alien: the play isn't for another three months dude chill
space_alien: also was it even you who came up with the whole 'it's a show' thing??
gothy-teen: oh shush janis no one can remember that far back
toogaytofunction: yeah you think the author writing this has the time to go back, FIND the chapter where that happened, FIGURE OUT who first said it, THEN come back and add it here? get real
calculust: ok i'm high and i still think you're all being weird
space_alien: said the girl who is currently removing the rings off my fingers and trying to... weave them together??
calculust: shh i've almost got it
space_alien: ok well- oh wait it jsut hit mee
anythingbutwallflower: good grief
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:16 pm
shut_up_and_queer: guys i've got some bad news
shut_up_and_queer: ok so ya know how i got stung by a sting ray this summer??
lesbean: sorry WHAT
lesbean: did not know that!!!
shut_up_and_queer: oh well idk what to tell you
themeanone: anygay babe what happened
shut_up_and_queer: well like after a week or so i could kinda walk normally on it and like most of the bruising was gone so ya know i healed
shut_up_and_queer: but the hole in my foot still isn't healed!!!
gothy-teen: the- the hole? in your foot??
shut_up_and_queer: yeah!! and it has like the same pain radiating out of it but like slightly less unbearable as when i got stung!!
Horse_Gorl: has it been like this since it happened or did it just start hurting
themeanone: she literally just said it hurt when it happened bestie
Horse_Gorl: nooo i mean like has it been continuously hurting or did it go away for a while
shut_up_and_queer: idk it just like aches every once in a while
shut_up_and_queer: but all the venom is out of my body
literal_demon: wait wait can we see a pic of this hole in your foot
shut_up_and_queer: mostly just bc my phone won't focus on my foot
themeanone: babe GET A NEW PHONE yours has literally been broken for months
shut_up_and_queer: babe I DON'T HAVE MONEY
themeanone: oh right
space_alien: wait wait wait i have not heard this story
shut_up_and_queer: ok ok so i was in panama and i was just like. not having a good time like i sliced up my knee and it got kinda infected and then like i injured my other knee and my knee cap was like sideways and it was super weird lookin and then we went to the beach and i was like yay we're at the beach what could happen
shut_up_and_queer: but llike 30 seconds after entering the water i got stung by a sting ray and it hurt so fuckin bad you don't even know and then i had to stick my foot in SCALDING water for like an hour to distract myself from the pain
shut_up_and_queer: but then it still really hurt but i decided just not to tell anyone bc sticking your foot is awful so for the rest of the time at the beach i could barely walk and it was pretty epic
themeanone: she complained about it to me over text constantly
shut_up_and_queer: ok well i wasn't gonna complain to my MOM who busted her ass to afford the trip
shut_up_and_queer: anywayyy i met a ton of ppl who also got stung by a sting ray and they were like oh yeah it hurt worse than when i got shot and it was super funny
shut_up_and_queer: the end
shut_up_and_queer: that was the very abridged version
space_alien: isn't that how steve irwin died
gothy-teen: is that the alligator wrestling dude?
space_alien: yeah the "i was out in the outback right, and i was hopping along in my truck all kangaroo like, when i come across this massive croc the size of a bear, so i wrestle em to the groung the lil bugga and i stick a tag right between it's eyes" all said in an australian accent
gothy-teen: and he died by stingray
space_alien: yeah but he got stung by like one of the massive ones in his heart so it's different than eva's foot hole
shut_up_and_queer: oh that's sad
space_alien: i mean i didn't know him but i'm sure if you knew him it would be sad
shut_up_and_queer: well but he was like really nice and he liked animals so that automatically makes you a good person
shut_up_and_queer: also apparently i was supposed to go to the hospital after getting stung
toogaytofunction: guyssss janis is making me watch a horror movie and my dad walked in and it scared me so bad it jumped like five feet
toogaytofunction: it was traumatic
gothy-teen: the other night i had a nightmare where these twins who were murderers moved into our backyard and broke into our house while i was home alone and were gonna kill me
toogaytofunction: WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT
gothy-teen: seemed relevant
toogaytofunction: i'm never gonna sleep tonight
themeanone: y'alls nightmares are so weird
themeanone: mine are just like seeing a person i don't like
themeanone: cairo's usually heavily featured
gothy-teen: so you haven't had the one where your friend lets his man eating dragon eat you???
gothy-teen: i think that one was based on the sandworm
ronicaaa: last night i had a dream that i didn't have a pen in AP lit and every time i would ask for one as soon as i got it it would just disappear
ronicaaa: now that's terrifying
duck: yooo i had a dream that the AP lit teacher was a woman and she was really mean
chandelier: omg what do you think that teacher's wife is like
ronicaaa: mr howard??
chandelier: yeah like do you think he's just as... eccentric at home
macaroni: omg that'd be so funny
rainbow123: i think she would have divorced him already if he did that thing with his hands when she talked lollll
duck: the weird step into my lair thing???
chandelier: or after everything she says he screams "IRONY"
macaroni: "honey i don't want to butter your toast, but i like your outfit today :-)))"
gothy-teen: i literally don't even know what butter your toast means
ronicaaa: omg when she calls him for dinner he's like "i'm coming at you hon, gazelle-like!"
rainbow123: did you guys know he also teaches APUSH??
duck: omggg he probably has a portrait of george washington in his living room
space_alien: omg i want a poster of george washington in my bedroom!!! i could have all the presidents!! omfg i could cover all my walls with old dudes wearing wigs!!!
calculust: now i know what to get you for your birthday
toogaytofunction: jan you want a picture of trump in your bedroom???
gothy-teen: now THAT'S a nightmare
ronicaaa: bahaha what about barron trump
ronicaaa: what a hottie am i right y'all
lesbean: i feel bad for everyone who's gonna have to go back through all this and piece it together
ronicaaa: y'all we need to read more books in ap lit
ronicaaa: we should read the outsiders and huckleberry finn those books are literally so vibey
chandelier: there's literally so many n words in huck finn tho so the school wouldn't let us read it
chandelier: but yeah we should read the outsiders
toogaytofunction: i liked tom sawyer better than huck finn
ronicaaa: really i thought the opposite
duck: well they're fairly similar
macaroni: i liked to kill a mockingbird
chandelier: oh hush heather everyone likes to kill a mockingbird
chandelier: just kidding sorry
chandelier: i've always wanted to sound super smart and mean like that
ronicaaa: well you've done mean before
ronicaaa: idk about smart
macaroni: shhh ronnie just let her have this
macaroni: also that's literally the only old book ik of so at least i tried so no need to make me sound dumb
gothy-teen: i hated to kill a mockingbird
rainbow123: i'm not gonna block you bc i won't do something mean like that but i agree with the sentiment
ronicaaa: oh good lord martha
hope you enjoyed this chapter!! it's based on a real text convo ;-)
i got a request for the bmc story to be told, is that something more people are interested in?? i almost added it in this chapter but i honestly barely know the plot of bmc so i'll have to do some research before i write it out
The Ultimate Groupchat, 9:05 am
it'stheLittlethings: folks i have a boyfriend
anythingbutwallflower: come again for big fudge??
themeanone: excuse me what
rainbow123: don't you have a prison wife or something?
it'stheLittlethings: oh tasha!! remind me to put the next prison visit in my calendar
it'stheLittlethings: anyway i'm in an open relationship with the guy from africa ahaha
calculust: there's a guy from africa???
it'stheLittlethings: yeah lmao i've been snapping him
it'stheLittlethings: his name's Nfume and he's from kenya
calculust: OMG NFUME
toogaytofunction: THE nfume???
space_alien: the one you were in love with when you were five???
it'stheLittlethings: nfume.jpg is this him??
calculust: YES OMG
calculust: tell him i say hi
calculust: but also are you actually dating him???
it'stheLittlethings: actually i swear
anythingbutwallflower: huh well congrats
themeanone: i don't buy it
it'stheLittlethings: y'all it's a v noncomittal thing don't worry
it'stheLittlethings: it's like how these two girls in prison would pretend to be together so the guys would leave them alone but they weren't actually together
it'stheLittlethings: like girlfriends without benefits
themeanone: be honest
themeanone: were those two girls you and tasha
space_alien: ok but this seems a little different from girlfriends with benefits
space_alien: it's a random dude from africe
calculust: he is v nice tho
it'stheLittlethings: see!!! it's fine guys
ronicaaa: this seems like a terrible idea
it'stheLittlethings: literally what can happen?? he lives across the world
ronicaaa: yeah that's my point
it'stheLittlethings: worst case scenario i block him
calculust: don't block him!!! he's so nice
toogaytofunction: chill out cady you have a girlfriend
calculust: that's not what i meant >;-((
toogaytofunction: the winky face makes me think otherwise
calculust: NO I DIDN'T MEAN TO
calculust: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT BABY I SWEAR
space_alien: fine i forgive you
space_alien: but also mattie's definitely doomed
it'stheLittlethings: i'm not gonna get hurt y'all he's the one who's obsessed with me
Massive_Deal: omg like why are you so obsessed with me???
space_alien: are you like in love with me or something omgggg
calculust: i said sorry!!
space_alien: was kidding
anythingbutwallflower: waitttt mattie is this that one guy who we snapped from school the other day and he was like "ive never had so many females looking at me at once"
anythingbutwallflower: keep in mind y'all there were like three of us
it'stheLittlethings: yep that's him
calculust: mattieeee he lives on another continent and you've never met him this seems like a bad idea
it'stheLittlethings: yeah but you've met him and i've met him so that's basically the same
calculust: i... can't believe i'm having this conversation
it'stheLittlethings: it's fine you guys he's super christian and i don't think he could hurt a fly i just thought it would be funny
calculust: i once watched him have a wrestling match with a lion cub
it'stheLittlethings: yep i'm gonna dump him
gothy-teen: GUYS I FOUND A GHOST
gothy-teen: HIS NAME IS JASON AND HE WANTS TO BE ADDED TO THE CHAT
ronicaaa: OK ADD HIM ENOUGH YELLING
gothy-teen has added 7-11 to the chat
ronicaaa: wait what
7-11: hello folks
ronicaaa: lydia remove him please
gothy-teen: what why
ronicaaa: right now do it please
7-11: dearest ronnie, is that you???
ronicaaa: no i'm not veronica whaaaaat lydia please take him away
gothy-teen: why who is he
ronicaaa: it's jd
space_alien: omg ew get it away
calculust: fuck you jason
toogaytofunction: yeah kill him
hopelesslosergorl: i was gonna say that
macaroni: babe are you ok
idiot: kick him out
anythingbutwallflower: right now
themeanone: i'm gonna beat him up
Horse_Gorl: kate no
Horse_Gorl: but yes
gothy-teen has removed 7-11 from the chat
ronicaaa: y'all are my favorite people ever
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:56 pm
micheal_sMells: guys elle just called my voice wet and wiggly
micheal_sMells: would you agree
toogaytofunction: well i've never heard your voice but based on your character i think wiggly is a good assessment
toogaytofunction: not wet tho that's just weird
gothy-teen: who's elle??
micheal_sMells: my stepsister
micheal_sMells: remember that whole convo we had about her
gothy-teen: ohh right
gothy-teen: the *gags* straight one
micheal_sMells: actually i found out she's bi
gothy-teen: and you haven't added her by now because...
micheal_sMells: she's still annoying
micheal_sMells: AND she just called my voice wet and wiggly!!
whyamievenheere: i mean in fairness having a microchip in your brain will do that to you
micheal_sMells: hey i was never squipped!!!
wannahang: it's true he wasn't
space_alien: wait back the fuck up
space_alien: microchip??? in your brain??
wannaride: omggg we've never told y'all this story
bicon: wait lemme start
bicon: once upon a time, jeremy heere was a sad little boy who had no friends
bicon: sorry, he had one friend who he was rather in love with
whyamievenheere: okay you just lost your storytelling priviledges
bicon: but fair
whyamievenheere: anyway rich was a bully
whyamievenheere: but people liked him cuz ppl are stupid
whyamievenheere: so one day he told me that his secret to being popular was this microchip called a squip that told him what to do to make people like him
whyamievenheere: so i was like bro that sounds cool and micheal and i went to the mall to get one
gothy-teen: they just... have these things at the mall??
micheal_sMells: there was a dealer there
gothy-teen: oh right obviously
gothy-teen: carry on
wannahang: and then they ran into me and brooke!!
whyamievenheere: yeahhh that's not really relevant
wannaride: well fuck you too
whyamievenheere: anywayyyy the squip was great but i really wanted christine to date me so i had to work harder
toogaytofunction: wait i thought you liked micheal
whyamievenheere: I WAS REPRESSING MY EMOTIONS OK DAMIAN
whyamievenheere: ANYWAY christine was in love with jake so the squip told me i had to up my game
whyamievenheere: so i let the squip basically take me over
bicon: and then i set a fire
hopelesslosergorl: omg twins
whyamievenheere: uh... moving past that disturbing comment, actually chloe made out with me before that happened
wannahang: i thought you said we weren't important
whyamievenheere: i felt bad
wannahang: anyway yes i did do that but it was bc i wanted to make brooke jealous
bicon: i thought it was bc you were jealous of brooke
wannahang: oh well i may have phrased incorrectly
tallestdwarf: oh i do that sometimes
toogaytofunction: do shit to make people jealous??
tallestdwarf: huh? no i meant phrase things incorrectly
ronicaaa: of course
micheal_sMells: and then i tried to get jeremy to stop with the squip situation but he was being a lil bitch and wouldn't listen
micheal_sMells: am i wrong?
theatre_nerd: and then jeremy asked me out and i said no bc jake and i had just broke up
Jakey-D: and then rich set a fire bc his squip was malfunctioning or something and i broke my legs!!
ronicaaa: ok i feel like we're reallyyyy glossing over the rich set a fire part
bicon: my squip told me to set a fire so i set a fire calm down veronica your bf almost set off a bomb
ronicaaa: operative word being almost
bicon: ok well the squip was worse than me bc next it decided to make jeremy help it take over the world
whyamievenheere: but then it was all ok bc we figured out that mountain dew red deactivates the squips
gothy-teen: who's we
micheal_sMells: me and jeremy
whyamievenheere: anyway we saved the day the end
space_alien: i think our story was better
ronicaaa: bro yours didn't have any death or fire or microchips that's so boring
Massive_Deal: But I got hit by a bus!!
ronicaaa: and i killed people sit down bitch
ronicaaa: oh shit y'all distracted me and i just dropped a whole tray of nachos in the ovennnn
macaroni: i left the room for two seconds ronnie!!!!
ronicaaa: ikkkk i'm sorry
ronicaaa: i forgot the beans anyway tho
space_alien: HOW COULD YOU FORGET THE BEANS
space_alien: i can't believe we're related
ronicaaa: apparently the oven's broken now
macaroni: oh good lord i'll order takeout
gspot: my phone looks like the light speed graphic in star wars
toogaytofunction: uhh what
caclulust: the hell does that mean
gspot: omg i'm surrounded by uncultured swine
gspot: why can't y'all be like me
duck: sorry we're not all nerds
duck: what's wrong with your phone screen
gspot: i dropped my phone like a bunch of times and now it's just like weird
kiNkY: guess what y'all!!!
kiNkY: i just failed my drivers license test for like the third time
Alana_Beck: JARED OH MY GOD
gothy-teen: that's v unfortunate
theatre_nerd: jared how
kiNkY: i literally have no idea
kiNkY: i actually studied so much more than you idiots
kiNkY: i almost passed this time too
toogaytofunction: jared oh nooo
space_alien: bro if jared can't pass his test how am i supposed to pass mine!! i haven't studied at all!!
Massive_Deal: you're almost eighteen how have you not taken it yet
space_alien: idk i was just lazy
calculust: wait jan
calculust: do you have your permit
calculust: ok good than it's only partially illegal for you to drive me around
kiNkY: ok but everyone else barely studied and passed so clearly i'm just cursed
wannahang: maybe it's better not to study
calculust: ummm i don't think that's quite what he meant
calculust: oh jared what have you done
space_alien: wait should i study or not
gothy-teen: wait isn't it just driving around??
calculust: noo there's a written test too
gothy-teen: oh fuck i'm screwed
Jakey-D: just do a bunch of practice tests
kiNkY: see but that's what i did the first time and i failed
kiNkY: although the second time i only studied the manual and i also failed so maybe don't listen to me
kiNkY: like i said
kiNkY: i'm cursed
checkers: go to a psychic or something
gothy-teen: or go to my stepmom
gothy-teen: she's technically a therapist
gothy-teen: although only in the very very bare sense of the word
kiNkY: yeah imma just study the manual
i added the bmc story!! i don't know this musical super well so forgive me if there are mistakes, but i wanted to get it in there for everyone who requested it
The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:58 pm
ronicaaa: just some cousinly love
ronicaaa: janis is staying with me btw
ronicaaa: for context's sake
macaroni: wait wait it wont load what does it say
space_alien: hang on i will copy and paste
space_alien: Warning! Dangerous arsonist on the loose!! Name: Veronica Sawyer. Crimes: suspected and found guilty in the infamous Nacho Case. Now wanted currently for LEAVING A FREAKING CANDLE BURNING IN ROOM BEFORE LEAVING FOR THE GROCERY STORE. Last known location: Target. Wearing: blue dress and smug "oops" smile. If you see this girl please notify the authorities immediately. She is a danger to herself and society! Don't let this reckless criminal get away!!
toogaytofunction: what's the infamous nacho case lmao
ronicaaa: oh no everyone is turning on me
space_alien: damian we just were discussing this the other day!! shame
ronicaaa: i dropped a whole tray of nachos in the oven and they all burned and it was horrible and now we can't use our oven
toogaytofunction: oh righttt
ronicaaa: which is why takeout is now our only source of sustenance
ronicaaa: we should do another cutest couples contest
space_alien: i thought we decided that you people couldn't possibly compete w me and caddy
toogaytofunction: incorrect we decided it wasn't a competition
space_alien: did we? that's dumb
ronicaaa: which is why we should let the tiger people and the chill people compete
macaroni: the who and the what now??
ronicaaa: cairo and those people and jeremy and those people
ronicaaa: that's what i call them
ronicaaa: bc there's the tigers cheer squad
ronicaaa: and then i didn't have a name for jeremy and everyone so they're just chill
ronicaaa: although after learning about how they all got took over by robots i might need to revise that narrative
ronicaaa: but anyway
ronicaaa: jeremy you're up
whyamievenheere: i have no idea what's going on
ronicaaa: just say why you love micheal
whyamievenheere: oh ok
whyamievenheere: he's my best friend and he always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better when i'm upset, and he's just always such a comforting presence in my life
micheal_sMells: awww thanks babe
micheal_sMells: i mean i feel all the same things about you
ronicaaa: sorry i was joking
wannaride: okey well chloe is literally the best person ever so that's cool
wannahang: that's true she's not lying
wannaride: also she makes me feel all warm and fuzzy which i didn't think were things i could feel
wannahang: it's true she used to be a bitch
wannaride: babe i'm trying to be nice!!
wannahang: right sorry
wannahang: i'll fix it
wannahang: brooke is really fuckin hot
wannahang: alsoooo she's my favorite person and she's my best friend and i swear she can read my mind sometimes because she always says exactly what i'm thinking when i'm not brave enough to
wannaride: aw baby i love you
wannahang: i love you too <333
ronicaaa: charming. tiger squad??
anythingbutwallflower: annleigh is literally the sweetest human being ever which annoyed me at first but now i'm so so grateful for her because she makes me feel safe in a way that no one ever has before
Horse_Gorl: and cairo reminds me to stand up for myself which i forget to do sometimes <333
ronicaaa: cute. next
shut_up_and_queer: kate is so funny and secretly very nice but shhh she doesn't want me to say that oh whoopsy i just did hahah sorry katie
shut_up_and_queer: but i love you tho
themeanone: see that's why eva's perfect
themeanone: she makes me happy
themeanone: and it kinda takes a lot to make me happy
checkers: running list of things that make kate happy, for reference: eva, grilled cheese, making fun of cairo, making fun of annleigh, dogs, gay shit, loud screamy music that will kill her eardrums, cookies, writing sarcastic text messages screenshotting than deleting and typing something super nice instead
themeanone: very helpful chess thanks
checkers: no problem
checkers: anyway i like farrah because she's dead and im dead and it just sorta makes sense
hopelesslosergorl: thats what i was gonna say!!
checkers: lmaooo no but actually i love farrah because she understands me so well and makes me laugh
hopelesslosergorl: oh yeah that too
clarky-boy: i am all alone :-)
Massive_Deal: Me too :-)
calculust: nvm i'm not supposed to say
space_alien: ohhh caddy is this about the thing
calculust: yessss but shhhh
discoball: cady nooo we agreed
Massive_Deal: What is going on?
SexyMouse: just tell her gretch
discoball: sooo ginaaaa
discoball: yknow how karen and i are dating
discoball: wellll turns out we're both in love with you
Massive_Deal: Come again?
Massive_Deal: So you're breaking up??
discoball: bc we also love each other
Massive_Deal: Oh. Oh. I get it.
SexyMouse: wana daet us??
Massive_Deal: I think...
calculust: kinda worried about the amount of question marks
Massive_Deal: Yes. Yes yes yes.
ronicaaa: ugh i just wanted a competition not a bunch of gooey shit
macaroni: i love you
ronicaaa: okey maybe the gooey shit isn't so bad
ronicaaa: yeah that's fair
happy weekend! this chapter is partially brought to you by the lovely @maybeimamuppet, who provided some excellent inspiration material <333
TW for sl*t shaming,
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:03 pm
kiNkY: what would you guys say if i told you i failed my drivers test again lmaoooooo
bicon: come on man
hopelesslosergorl: lmao that's so sad
kiNkY: jesus christ kinda harsh
kiNkY: ig its a good thing i passed then huh
space_alien: ok for the record i saw that coming
Massive_Deal: Oh shut up you did not
kiNkY: "congrats jared! we're so proud of you jared! we knew you could do it jared!"
space_alien: jared you don't want us to lie to you do you
gspot: EVERYONE STOP EVERYTHING THEYRE DOING THERE IS A DILDO GLUED TO THE FLOOR OF THE HALLWAY
toogaytofunction: OMG WHICH HALLWAY
gspot: right outside the science classrooms
gspot: and mr duvall is trying to remove it but it's covered in lube and he's resorted to just. hugging it. to try to get it unstuck
space_alien: oh yeah i already have photos of that
gspot: wait you're not even in this hallway
space_alien: i know a guy
calculust: it's me i'm the guy
gothy-teen: eh that's nothing someone once released 15 chickens into my school at 11pm
kiNkY: ... was it you
duck: at westerburg the english and history classrooms are exactly one story apart so the teachers would pass stuff down through the windows to each other
anythingbutwallflower: omg legendary
anythingbutwallflower: the only interesting school story i have is that a kid flipped her desk once when i told her that 10 squared was 100 not 20
anythingbutwallflower: ok it was riley
shut_up_and_queer: oh my middle school was quite interesting
space_alien: omg please expand
shut_up_and_queer: the highlights: girls got called sluts for wearing crop tops, one of our teachers called us all little bitches once which was a fair assessment but not v professional of her, the principal once decided that two kids in our class were dating and sexually active even though they were eleven and barely liked each other and gave them a whole speech about abstinence, the teachers would constantly call other schools and try to get their students suspended bc they were involved in some sort of drama with one of our students, and also this goes with the slut shaming thing but every time a teacher was absent and they couldn't find a sub they'd just throw us in with the pe class which meant that girls were constantly getting screamed at for wearing skirts and "inappropriate shoes" to a pe class they hadn't even known they'd be attending
shut_up_and_queer: oh there was also the heart debacle where we got screamed at for an entire class period over "graffiti" that turned out to be a 1'' heart drawn on the bathroom wall in lipgloss, which the teachers attempted to punish the perpetrator for by forcing her to stay and help the custodian clean after school even though by then someone had wiped the heart away, which they ALSO got mad about because they "wanted to further examine the evidence"
shut_up_and_queer: those are the most interesting stories
themeanone: hey babe??
themeanone: what the actual FUCK
macaroni: damn i was gonna say that there's a family of ducks that nests in the courtyard at westerburg that has to be herded out through the school in a parade but now that feels kinda anticlimatic
captainoftheteam: YOU HAD A STORY ABOUT DUCKS AND YOU KEPT IT FROM ME
shut_up_and_queer: yeah mac that's so much better than any of my stories
macaroni: y'all have a very skewed concept of... everything
macaroni: shut up i couldn't think of the word
toogaytofunction: i mean. it's a fair assessment
shut_up_and_queer: just like how that teacher was right about all us eleven year olds being little bitches!!
shut_up_and_queer: on an entirely unrelated note do any of y'all know of a good cheap therapist
this is shorter than i wanted it to be but it's midnight and i'm exhausted
tw for mentions of violence!! nothing too graphic, i tried not to go into too much detail but they're discussing squid game so it was kinda inevitable
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:38 pm
gothy-teen: important query for y'all
gothy-teen: should i a., watch squid game, or b., do my homework
wannahang: ewww don't watch squid game it's so bad
wannaride: worse than homework??
gothy-teen: well i've already watched the first episode
gothy-teen: i kinda liked it
Massive_Deal: I think it's really good
discoball: me too! it's a good commentary
wannahang: yeah yeah it's all very heady or whatever if you think about it but it's so VIOLENT
gothy-teen: i don't really mind
ronicaaa: i mean you've only seen the first episode tho
ronicaaa: it gets more and more bloody
gothy-teen: okayyyyy well that makes me a wee bit afraid
literal_demon: omggg i love that show
literal_demon: there's so much blood everywhere all the time
calculust: ok, that was unecessary
literal_demon: you're unecessary
gothy-teen: bj be nice to cady she's doing my math hw
space_alien: she is??
calculust: no i'm tutoring her
gothy-teen: same difference
calculust: excepty Not Really At All though
gothy-teen: right right
calculust: anyway don't watch squid game it gave me nightmares
a-aron: everything gives you nightmares
calculust: oh shut up aaron you had no right to call me out so accurately
gothy-teen: guyssss i need more opinions
gothy-teen: hw or squid game
Massive_Deal: Squid Game!!
whyamievenheere: yeh squid game
micheal_sMells: incorrect do your homework like a good citizen
gothy-teen: ew i don't wanna be a good citizen squid game wins
calculust: can't you just watch some nice little sitcom or something
gothy-teen: noooo boring
literal_demon: boring??? i watched you watch all of how i met your mother in the span of a week
literal_demon: THATS 208 EPISODES LYDIA
gothy-teen: right which is why i need something radically different
gothy-teen: so i can grieve properly
ronicaaa: that doesn't even make sense
gothy-teen: the ending of himym was terrible so it doesn't deserve my emotions
gothy-teen: therefore i am moving on as quickly and dramatically as possible
wannaride: i do get that actually
wannahang: i mean i mostly just agree with the part about the ending of himym but yeah
gothy-teen: OMG IT WAS SO BAD RIGHT
gothy-teen: sorry wait don't respond i can't talk about it bc that would be acknowledging it's existence and it doesn't deserve it
gothy-teen: moving on
calculust: this... seems unhealthy
a-aron: i mean it is just a show
gothy-teen: A TERRIBLE SHOW
gothy-teen: sorry sorry nevermind
literal_demon: dw guys she's definitely gonna be ranting about it in detail within a week
calculust: i look forward to it
special bonus chapter bc i forgot that halloween is this weekend (reminder courtesy of @spidy-nuggey on tumblr) and it felt wrong not to have a halloween chapter
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:59 pm
gothy-teen: guys guys guys
calculust: lydia lydia lydia
gothy-teen: spoooookyyyy stories
space_alien: omgggg it's halloween tomorrow
gothy-teen: actually it's halloween in one minute
literal_demon: is that why you woke us all up
gothy-teen: were any of you actually asleep
literal_demon: touche my friend
checkers: lydia you're surrounded by ghosts what more do you want
gothy-teen: omg chess just... okay??? just... okay???
checkers: ok ok geez
Jakey-D: once i saw this super pale lady sitting in my attic doing her knitting
gothy-teen: you have an attic?? spooky
shut_up_and_queer: how is that what you took away from it
gothy-teen: some lady knitting?? boring
gothy-teen: not you bj i've heard all yours
literal_demon: but lydiaaaaaa
Massive_Deal: My old house used to be haunted.
gothy-teen: that's what i'm talking about tell us everything
Massive_Deal: Every night when I'd go to bed, I'd feel this presence in my room. I sleep facing the wall, and I'd be super scared to turn around, but I swear I knew for sure there was someone there, and it wasn't one of my family members. One night, I decided being scared was for dumbasses so I turned around. And I was right; there was someone there, but they disappeared before I could get a good look. I guess it's possible that I imagined the whole thing, but since we know ghosts are real, so I think it was.
gothy-teen: omg i love it
gothy-teen: do you have any idea who or what the ghosty could have been
Massive_Deal: Like I said, I didn't get a good look. But I thought I saw a little girl, maybe ten years old? The presence never felt threatening, really, I was just scared at the thought of a ghost being in my room, so it sort of makes sense. I never saw her or felt the presence again.
discoball: maybe she was just as scared as you were
Massive_Deal: I mean she should have been, I was a terror when we lived there.
space_alien: yeah she was
Massive_Deal: Always thankful for the input, Janis.
space_alien: happy to be of service
Massive_Deal: I was being sarcastic.
space_alien: i'm well aware bestie <33
gothy-teen: okay next
literal_demon: IM A LITERAL DEMON LYDIA PLEASE
macaroni: there's this one ghost who sits in the tree outside my window
ronicaaa: the tree i climb up??
macaroni: yeah but he doesn't like you
ronicaaa: well that can't be right everyone likes me
macaroni: not frederick
checkers: wait so you've talked to him
macaroni: nah he doesn't like me either
macaroni: i just made up my own backstory for him
macaroni: he's like twenty i think
gothy-teen: why are all your guys' ghosts so young
literal_demon: i'm not young!! i'm centuries old!!! let me tell stories!!!
gothy-teen: one time first time every time bj
idiot: oh let the poor guy share his stories
gothy-teen: oh good lord
literal_demon: OMG ok so there was this whole team of football players whos bus crashed and now they all haunt their high school and taunt all of their classmates from beyond (no idk how they made it out of the netherworld) and then there's this one dude who shrinks people's heads if they annoy him and then also also also there's all these people in the netherworld that used to be puritans like a longggg time ago but the newlydeads keep updating them on everything that's been happening in the twenty-first century and all the puritans are all like "bro you guys have so much more fun than we did" so there's all these dead millenials and the occasional gen z people that teach the puritans how to do tik tok trends and use slang and generally not be insufferable dickheads they were in life and it's fuckin hilarious
space_alien: wait seriously that's incredible
hopelesslosergorl: bro how did we mis that whn we were in thr nethewworld
literal_demon: it all happens in underground bars n shit
literal_demon: only some ppl find it
literal_demon: everyone else either sits there and wastes away or figures out a way out
literal_demon: that's why you see so many more young ghosts
hopelesslosergorl: bc old ppl are stuopid??
literal_demon: i mean i wasn't gonna say it like that
gothy-teen: what were you gonna say
literal_demon: that gen z have a habit of rejecting any rules put in front of them and that oldsters are less resourceful and more likely to comply
space_alien: omg so the whole thing is a test
literal_demon: no it's just a poorly designed afterlife
space_alien: oh that's dumb
space_alien: let's just pretend its all a clever test like in the good place
literal_demon: yes much better
tw for death mentions
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:44 pm
toogaytofunction: !!! important question!!!
toogaytofunction: it has come to my attention that aaron has never heard of the road to el dorado and i need to see if anyone else doesn't know what it is
alyssa_greeene: the who in the what now
Tree_Boy: i've never heard of that either
Tree_Boy: ok you know what
Tree_Boy: it is not my fault that all i ever do is sit and read my books and think about fictional people and never bother to consume any other entertainment
idiot: that kinda sounds like it's your fault babe
lesbean: wait ok whats the road to el dorado
a-aron: SEE DAMIAN I'M NOT ALONE
space_alien: yeah no one has heard of that
a-aron: i feel vindicated
calculust: yeah we gotchu aaron
toogaytofunction: ok but not really because janis has watched it with me at least once
space_alien: i have???
space_alien: is that the one with the creepy rat???
toogaytofunction: THAT'S RATATOUILLE AND HE IS NOT CREEPY
space_alien: SORRY YOU MAKE ME WATCH A LOT OF MOVIES
gothy-teen: it sounds like a rly weird movie ngl
a-aron: yeah sorry babe you're just like weird ig
toogaytofunction: oh my god just look at the poster ok
calculust: that looks exactly like the tangled poster
Tree_Boy: omg it doessss
toogaytofunction: oh shut up it does not
idiot: except it's like a dude and there's?? and armadillo???
lesbean: yeah what is that thing
toogaytofunction: an armadillo!!!
alyssa_greeene: an armadillo instead of a chameleon?? what a ripoff
space_alien: omg pascal!!!
space_alien: not as good as bartok
space_alien: that little bat dude!! bartok the magnificent!! the movie about the bad and the dude who's decaying and the russian tsar
toogaytofuntion: ok i feel attacked
toogaytofuntion: el dorado is so much better than tangled or bartok or whatever the fuck
space_alien: oh wait actually i think the movies called anastasia
gothy-teen: wait that one blond guy in the el dorado thing looks like disney hercules
toogaytofunction: THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE
toogaytofunction: HAVE YOU EVEN SEEEEEN HERCULES
gothy-teen: YES BUT NOT IN MANY YEARS OK
toogaytofunction: you're telling me this: hercules.jpg
toogaytofunction: looks like this: eldorado.jpg
gothy-teen: ok well the hercules in my mind looks wayyy different
toogaytofunction: that is so not an excuse
gothy-teen: you're not an excuse!!
gothy-teen: actually you are
gothy-teen: a poor excuse for a human
gothy-teen: saved it
chandelier: guys i need something good to watch
toogaytofunction: the road to el dorado!!
chandelier: the tangled ripoff?? no thanks
space_alien: squid game
chandelier: janis don't even with me
gothy-teen: have you seen zodiac??
chandelier: like the zodiac killer zodiac?
duck: heather would hate that
chandelier: yeah lydia i can't watch anything about serial killers!!
idiot: what?? heather loves murder
chandelier: not serial killers
chandelier: murder is understandable
chandelier: insanity is not
macaroni: murder is understandable???
Tree_Boy: watch the perks of being a wallflower
chandelier: already watched
Tree_Boy: omg great movie right
chandelier: no it was boring and everyone was weird
ronicaaa: you could watch this cool movie about a girl who decides she should probably write her essay before tonight so she can actually have fun at her best friend's party i heard that's a good one4
chandelier: omg this again
chandelier: i haven't started this big essay we have due in like two days and ronnie keeps yelling at me about it
tallestdwarf: what esay??
ronicaaa: oh my good gracious you people are such slackers
macaroni: good to know i'm ahead of some people
macaroni: ronnie you'll be proud i only have one and a half more paragraphs to go
ronicaaa: but also i finished mine two days ago. so.
duck: i haven't started my essay either
idiot: i mean i think we all kinda figured if heather was slacking then heather was DEFINITELY slacking
duck: wait do you mean heather or heather
chandelier: yes yes yes i'm not the worst!!
ronicaaa: heatherrrrr you better get it done before the party
ronicaaa: i believe in you
chandelier: ummm i was planning on starting in after the party
calculust: HEATHER NO
duck: yes that sounds like a fantastic plan
ronicaaa: but i don't want u to get stressed out during it!!
chandelier: you know what ronnie you make a good point
chandelier: i have to start giving a shit about school!!
a-aron: yes that's the spirit
chandelier: i will write the first paragraph on the way to the party
duck: YAY PROGRESS
ronicaaa: but- WRONG KIND OF PROGRESS
ronicaaa: oh why do i bother she's just gonna do what she wants anyway
The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:03 am
gothy-teen: !!! important!! announcement!! right now!!!!
gothy-teen: the cheer people need to show us pictures
gothy-teen: because they didn't before
space_alien: why did this like. just occur to you
gothy-teen: idk man!! it's one am!!
shut_up_and_cheer: what on earth are you people on about
space_alien: well one time we all embarrassed each other by sharing pics with the groupchat
macaroni: ok no janis that wasn't the intention
space_alien: why the fuck not
themeanone: WAIT I'M ALLOWED TO EMBARRASS MY FRIENDS
gothy-teen: i mean yeah
gothy-teen: oh shut up jake peralta
gothy-teen: was that... not a b99 reference
Horse_Gorl: i mean it was if you want it to have been?
gothy-teen: good enough
gothy-teen: now lemme see the face
themeanone: waaaait i have such a good one
clarky-boy: kate whyyyy
themeanone: it's funny
themeanone: that's clark btw y'all
toogaytofunction: yep got that
macaroni: it's not a bad picture tbh
themeanone: but it's funny
themeanone: but there's more
hopelesslosergorl: bahaha what a legend
checkers: farrah honey you know that's you right
hopelesslosergorl: yeh thats why i siad it
checkers: right of course
themeanone: dammit ok i'll find another one
themeanone: tis reese
toogaytofunction: kate these all just look like unfortunate pauses on a grainy bootleg
themeanone: EXACTLY THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY
checkers: you're really trying to live up to your user huh kate
themeanone: well that's just unnecessary
macaroni: i'm assuming that's kate
themeanone: yes and you didn't have to fucking caption it!!
checkers: it was funnier in context
gothy-teen: what was the context
checkers: i don't remember
checkers: but here's one of eva
shut_up_and_queer: you wanna know something
shut_up_and_queer: that is precisely what i was thinking in that moment
checkers: whaddya know guys i have talent
anythingbutwallflower: i'm gonna get ahead of this and share mine now
Horse_Gorl: for the record she's looking at moi
Horse_Gorl: dis is me
anythingbutwallflower: aw cute
hopelesslosergorl: ha look at those nerds
themeanone: *high fives*
themeanone: ok i made a thing for chess since they are so LIBERAL with her captions
checkers: hehe that's funny
themeanone: DAMMIT WRONG REACTION
space_alien: this convo is my favorite thing that has ever happened
calculust: we agreed that nothing would ever top regina george being hit by a bus
calculust: sorry gina
themeanone: by god
themeanone: i've got it
themeanone: the single best photo that will humiliate you ALL
themeanone: wait fuck i can't find it
macaroni: well that was anticlimactic
space_alien: it's ok just try to picture it
themeanone: yeah do that it'll totally humiliate everyone
anythingbutwallflower: kate... what
themeanone: use your imaginations!! it's better than the photo anyway
space_alien: hahahahha it really is i'm picturing it rn
checkers: maybe that was kate's plan all along
themeanone: yep definitely hahah definitely didn't delete it by accident
gothy-teen: or what if,,, there never was any photo
macaroni: that's genius kate
themeanone: ... no there was a picture
anythingbutwallflower: dammit kate you ruin everything
themeanone: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME
bicon: i don't think any of us know either
calculust: we want something from you?
gothy-teen: you guys know stuff???
Massive_Deal: Sometimes I wonder what it's like to know people that don't all share one singular braincell.
chandelier: who has it now??
Massive_Deal: I... couldn't tell you.
space_alien: the braincell?? nah man that thing escaped a while ago
gothy-teen: we're just running on fumes here
discoball: you might have to donate some of yours gina
Massive_Deal: There aren't enough braincells in the WORLD to fill all of these empty heads
hopelesslosergorl: but were all having more fun thn you so theres that
Massive_Deal: Ignorance is bliss??
hopelesslosergorl: dont ask me man idk what wither of those words mean
Massive_Deal: I rest my case.
The Ultimate Groupchat, 7:01 pm
duck: guys yknow what's the best
bicon: christy bestie i'm pretty sure that means why
theatre-nerd: does it? i take french man idk
anythingbutwallflower: as you should
anythingbutwallflower: spanish is dumb
bicon: you're dumb!!!
duck: guys focus up
ronicaaa: what is the best heather
duck: pickled popcorn
yalikejazz?: OMORH I LOVE THEAT STUFF
idiot: zoe's so excited she's become incoherent
calculust: i'm sorry???
calculust: pickled???? popcorn??? help
duck: yeah it's so good
calculust: janis you said you'd told me about every weird american thing you could think of
space_alien: idk what to tell you babe i have never heard of this shit in my life
Tree_Boy: ok listen
Tree_Boy: it's oddly tasty
a-aron: ok but how about pickle and peanut butter sandwiches
calculust: wh- what
a-aron: it's good!!!!!!
calculust: janis hold me i'm scared
space_alien: i gotchu babe i'll protect you from the scary pickle ex-boyfriend
toogaytofunction: sorry aaron i'm gonna have to agree with cady and janis on this
a-aron: ok but none of you have TRIED IT
bicon: i gotta say man that doesn't sound like something anyone in their right mind would think to try
duck: yeah valid
a-aron: ok PICKLED POPCORN you don't get to talk
duck: well surely if you like pickles and peanut butter pickled popcorn isn't such a reach
a-aron: does the popcorn also have cheese on it?? bc that would not be good
duck: CAN I REMIND YOU
duck: PICKLES AND FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER
a-aron: you people are so judgy sometimes smh
calculust: we're judgy when we have to be!!
theatre-nerd: wait wait i'm looking at a buzzfeed list of weird food combos and pickles and peanut butter is like the first thing
a-aron: as it should be!!!!
theatre-nerd: anyway it says salami and grapes which actually makes sense to me
yalikejazz?: yeah i can get behind that
idiot: moi aussi
theatre-nerd: what language is that
idiot: YOU SAID YOU TOOK FRENCH
theatre-nerd: well when i say "take" i mean i sleep on my desk while the teacher rambles about irregular verbs
idiot: but surely at this point you at least know that moi aussi means me too
idiot: like that's the first thing you learn
theatre-nerd: connor sweetie
theatre-nerd: i have never once paid attention in french
theatre-nerd: idk what's not clicking
theatre-nerd: speaking of french, one of the things on the list is chocolate on pizza
bicon: pizza is italian you fucking fuck
theatre-nerd: i JUST SAID i don't pay attention in french
bicon: YOU DON'T NEED FRENCH CLASS TO KNOW THAT PIZZA ISN'T A FRENCH FOOD
idiot: yeah its very common knowledge
theatre-nerd: are you TRYING to make me look stupid???
whyamievenheere: you're doing fine on your own tbh
theatre-nerd: i hate you guys
The Ultimate Groupchat, 1:08 pm
space_alien: happy black friday everyone
themeanone: lmao i like how you didn't wish us a happy thanksgiving but you wish us happy black friday
space_alien: well black friday is a day of god-like savings and discounts and shit, thanksgiving is just a lie
space_alien: so. happy black friday
space_alien: what do you want reginald
Massive_Deal: It's just, one could argue that Black Friday is a pillar of capitalistic oppurtunity that rivals any other holiday
space_alien: fuck you reginald
macaroni: janis that's not very nice
space_alien: she ruined. black. friday.
Massive_Deal: Black Friday ruined itself
discoball: she makes a fair argument
space_alien: I KNOW THAT'S WHY I HATE IT
calculust: deep breaths babe deep breaths
yalikejazz?: alana has a specialized rant for every holiday
themeanone: omg fantastic
themeanone: can we hear them
Alana_Beck: You can hear my Thanksgiving and Black Friday ones, but I think Janis and Regina have already summed them up.
themeanone: what about like the christmas one then
Alana_Beck: Well it's not Christmas, is it, Kate.
themeanone: but i wanna hear the rantttt
Alana_Beck: If you can stand to wait a month, you can hear the Christmas one, but there's no point in having a special rant for every holiday if I tell you the rant on any old day.
discoball: she makes a decent point
themeanone: oh stop saying that gretchen
discoball: i'm just tryna give credit where credit is due!!
Alana_Beck: If it will make you feel any better, I'll give you the extended Thanksgiving and Black Friday ones.
themeanone: YES YES YES
themeanone: except, oh wait!
themeanone: it's not thanksgiving anymore, is it, alana
Alana_Beck: This is true. I'll have to skip that one till next year, then.
themeanone: NONONO THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED
space_alien: ha that really backfired on you huh kate
themeanone: SHUT UP JANIS
macaroni: that's not very nice kate
themeanone: you're not very nice!!!
macaroni: well that's just a lie
Alana_Beck: Just like Thanksgiving!!
themeanone: yesss continue
Alana_Beck: Thanksgiving perpetuates a rosy-eyed version of history that glorifies the people who stole from, kidnapped, and murdered the Native Americans. While some of the story of the first Thanksgiving is technically true, it tends to gloss over the fact that the Pilgrims utterly took advantage of the Native American tribes.
themeanone: yesss we got one
themeanone: now onto black friday
Alana_Beck: Black Friday, while great in the moment, hypes up capitalism and all it entails. We wouldn't be so desperate for Black Friday sales if the normal pricing of things wasn't so crushing.
yalikejazz?: isn't she great folks
calculust: ok my question though is do you have any rants for things like chanukah?
Alana_Beck: I think enough old white Christian men have ranted about chanukah and other Jewish, Muslim, etc., holidays, don't you? Don't really want to be adding to that mix.
discoball: wise choice
Alana_Beck: Tune in next month for Alana's Problems With Christmas as a Commercialized Holiday
yalikejazz?: god i love you
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:34 pm
captainoftheteam: EVERYONE WAKE UP I HAVE A QUESTION
shut_up_and_queer: it's 2:30 why would we be asleep
captainoftheteam: oh eva time isn't real
shut_up_and_queer: oh right obviously
wannahang: what's the question
Horse_Gorl: omg reese are we still on this
captainoftheteam: YES I WANNA KNOW WHY YOU LIKE THAT SHIT
Horse_Gorl: IT'S JUST A SAUCE BENCH CALM DOWN
lesbean: wait wait wait did you just call reese a bench
hopelesslosergorl: yehd annaleee deosnt like to swear so she just casully switches swears out for good place swears
Horse_Gorl: love how badly you just butchered my name
hopelesslosergorl: it's not my fauelt you spel it like a pick me gorl
Horse_Gorl: that's the meanest thing you could possibly have said to me
hopelesslosergorl: i try
wannaride: on another note is farrah aware that "gorl" is not actually like,,, a word
hopelesslosergorl: yedh but its more fun
space_alien: OMG NO MAYO IS THE WORST
shut_up_and_queer: wow what an epically agressive and belated take
space_alien: sorry i was napping
captainoftheteam: seeeee annleigh i told you
calculust: janis you're supposed to be in math class
space_alien: who said i wasnt
space_alien: i was taking a nap
space_alien: in math class
space_alien: what's not clicking babe
calculust: sometimes i delude myself into believing you care about school is all
space_alien: yeah that sounds like a you problem
calculust: also idk why everyone's so stressed about mayo
calculust: like it's fine
calculust: i have no thoughts about mayo
space_alien: well you should because that shit is disgusting
calculust: ok i am not disagreeing with you per se it's just. is this the hill you wanna die on.
space_alien: fuck yeah
calculust: well i tried
themeanone: mayos so good though you guys!!!
space_alien: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
space_alien: IT IS LITERAL SLIME
themeanone: YOU'RE LITERAL SLIME
macaroni: EVERYONE CALM DOWN
macaroni: SOME OF US ARE FRAGILE
shut_up_and_queer: are you the some of us
macaroni: yes and i will cry if there's too much conflict
macaroni: omg i forgot to tell you guys!! i have a cold
wannaride: uhhh congrats
macaroni: nonono you don't understand
macaroni: i have a cold bc i cried three times in two days
macaroni: i self-congested!!!!
space_alien: uhh veronica is she ok
ronicaaa: idk she seems v positive about it
macaroni: i am so powerful!!! i literally gave myself a cold by choice!!
duck: not sure crying counts as a choice
calculust: also why do you want a cold???
macaroni: it's not about the cold it's about the fact that i can control it
wannaride: can you control when it goes away
macaroni: well no
wannaride: so basically you're just sick
macaroni: but i brought it on myself!!!
ronicaaa: ok but why did you cry so much
macaroni: well once was bc i broke a mug, once was bc my hand hurt from where the mug shards cut me, and once was bc i got a nosebleed from crying over the cut
yalikejazz?: mac it kinda sounds like you're on the brink of collapse
macaroni: all high school students are on the brink of collapse
macaroni: but not all are powerful enough to make themselves sick!!!
space_alien: yep it's just you and cameron from ferris bueller's day off
macaroni: you know what janis i know you're trying to hurt me but i am accepting that as a compliment and you are only making me stronger
space_alien: good god she is powerful
today is the one year anniversary of the ultimate groupchat, so i just wanted to pop on here and say thank you. in the past year, this fic has reached a total of 6323 hits, 274 kudos, and so so many comments. pardon my french, but that’s fucking insane. i’m so happy that you guys enjoy my silly little fic, because i love writing it. fanfiction started out for me as a way of practicing new scenarios in my writing and testing different techniques, but it’s become so much more than that for me. so i’d like to say thanks to anyone who’s ever left a comment or kudos on any of my works, it means a lot that you guys support my writing. here’s to many more chapters to come!!
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:06 am
discoball: guys breaking news
gothy-teen: what what what
discoball: regina george is tangled in the christmas lights
space_alien: oh my god
space_alien: oh my god
space_alien: oh my god
space_alien: gretchen if you don't send pictures immediately i will hate you forever
space_alien: my new wallpaper
discoball: she's yelling at me not to send it lmaoooo
discoball: if only she could reach her phone
gothy-teen: regina all tangled and huffy on the floor under a tree is my spirit animal
wannaride: she IS huffy omg
discoball: uh oh
discoball: bad news folks
space_alien: don't say it
discoball: karen had to be all NICE
space_alien: noooo gretchen noooo
discoball: and she untangled her
space_alien: NO NO NO
discoball: and now i am hiding so that reggie doesn't murder me
Massive_Deal: GRETCHEN I SWEAR AT GOD
it'stheLittlethings: don't you mean swear TO god??
it'stheLittlethings: damn ok
discoball: in case i am murdered by my gf in the next few minutes i'd just like to put it on the record that as a jewish person, seeing regina defeated by the christmas lights has made me love christmas with every fiber of my being
Massive_Deal: WHERE ARE YOU YOU LITTLE COWARD
discoball: eek i'm gonna die
Sexy-Mouse: yyou guys are wo wierd
discoball: hey you chose us
Sexy-Mouse: yeah ur pretty :-))
anythingbutwallflower: what i want to know is what that ornament above regina's head in the photo is supposed to be
space_alien: oh it's a dildo
space_alien: i got it for her last year specifically so i could get this photo
Massive_Deal: Not you too!!!
space_alien: honestly though i feel kinda outdone by gretch, might have to exchange this year's gift for something even better
Massive_Deal: WHAT IS THIS YEAR'S GIFT
space_alien: well if i told you i would go on the naughty list now wouldn't i
calculust: i think you're on the naughty list anyway babe
space_alien: maybe with you
toogaytofunction: oh dear god janis why must you ruin everything
space_alien: well veronica decorated the ugliest fucking tree i've ever seen for christmas this year so my title is in jeopardy
calculust: oh my god i thought you guys settled that already
ronicaaa: we've "settled" plenty of arguments in our day
ronicaaa: doesn't mean they don't come up again around the holidays
ronicaaa: and by the way i wasn't TRYING to make herald ugly it just sort of happened
wannahang: it- it has a name
wannaride: and the name is HERALD?????
ronicaaa: well would you prefer i call him hark??
discoball: i don't get it
space_alien: like the song
space_alien: hark the herald angels sing
space_alien: except clearly she's got it wrong because no angel will ever smile on that tree
space_alien: it is straight from the depths of hell
calculust: oh janis just because she used red lights doesn't mean its possessed
space_alien: i never said it was posessed tho
space_alien: you made that inference all on your own
space_alien: look at it caddy
space_alien: look at it and say to my face that it doesn't spark age-old terror
ronicaaa: goddamn maybe i should be proud of this thing
space_alien: damn straight you should that's what i've been saying
discoball: it is???
space_alien: hell yeah
space_alien: our grandma's gonna have an aneurysm when she sees it
space_alien: best christmas ever
ronicaaa: damn cady your gf is kinda insane
calculust: she's your cousin!!
ronicaaa: i'm not taking responsibility!!! she's your problem now
space_alien: I AM EVERYONE'S PROBLEM
discoball: you know what else is a problem?? regina found me
wannahang: oh boy here we go
wannahang: brooke get the popcorn
Sexy-Mouse: i fuond both of them!!
gothy-teen: is gretchen dead yet
Sexy-Mouse: no theyre makign out :-))
space_alien: oh boring
ronicaaa: you're boring!!!
space_alien: said the woman who made a devil tree
gothy-teen: janis i think a devil tree is the opposite of boring
space_alien: just let me have this lydia
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:03 pm
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:48 pm
gothy-teen: guys i wish to converse with you
toogaytofunction: oh shit right
toogaytofunction: i was gonna respond but then i got distracted
gothy-teen: i figured as much, teenagers are very easily distracted, especially by shiny objects
toogaytofunction: there's a shiny object???
checkers: lydia you sound like jane goodall writing notes on her observations of chimps
space_alien: omg that is spot on
Massive_Deal: Except that Lydia is a teenager and Jane Goodall was not, in fact, a fucking chimpanzee
hopelesslosergorl: how do u knw
Massive_Deal: Wh- hh- how do I know???
hopelesslosergorl: yeh hor do you know lydisa a tenager
shut_up_and_queer: oh my god i thought she meant how do you know that jane goodall wasn't a chimpanzee and i was SO CONCERNED
hopelesslosergorl: eva youre always concerned
shut_up_and_queer: someone has to be
calculust: you're doing god's work bestie
gothy-teen: ok but can we get back to the fact that farrah apparently thinks i'm some old dude sitting in a basement or something
hopelesslosergorl: nooo that's betelgudjse
hopelesslosergorl: no shush im not done
hopelesslosergorl: i meanr thtat lydia could be lyign about her age
literal_demon: yeah we know
hopelesslosergorl: shut UP bj i'm not DONE
hopelesslosergorl: lydia could secretely be an adult
hopelesslosergorl: but i see her as like a 25 yer old new york socilite
hopelesslosergorl: not an old dude
gothy-teen: ...thank you??
hopelesslosergorl: you're welcome
gothy-teen: tis 3 pm but alright
hopelesslosergorl: i said goodNIGHT
gothy-teen: anyway i'm not a 25 year old
space_alien: we know
gothy-teen: i wish i was 25
space_alien: we know
gothy-teen: jane goodall was a chimpanzee
space_alien: we know
calculust: read it again
space_alien: oh whoops i thought it said wasn't
Massive_Deal: This is so funny to me because we all just sort of assumed that Janis was on autopilot and made a mistake, but no, she did look at it, she just can't read.
space_alien: ok well you use proper grammar and punctuation
space_alien: it was gonna turn into an insult but i couldn't figure out how to so i just decided to quit while i was ahead
gothy-teen: she's a smart one
gothy-teen: not smart enough, but a smart one nonetheless
macaroni: that applies to literally everyone in this chat so i can't even argue
calculust: uhh speak for yourself
toogaytofunction: caddy shhh your regina is showing
Massive_Deal: Rude. All of you. So rude.
space_alien: new topic
space_alien: damian and i conversed in french today and i would like to acknowledge the bullying that occurred
theatre-nerd: when you say conversed...
calculust: they wrote notes to each other in patchy french and were not subtle about it at all
calculust: i did not participate because my french is too good to understand theirs
space_alien: caddyyy that's mean
calculust: you're mean
space_alien: moi: bonjour damian
space_alien: damian: bonjour janis, ca va?
space_alien: moi: ca va bien. ca va?
space_alien: damian: ca va mal!! je suis ne veux pour moi papeir
calculust: stop, stop. i'm going to translate for you.
calculust: janis: hello damian
calculust: damian: hello janis, how are you?
calculust: j: i am good. how are you?
calculust: d: i am bad! i am not want for my paper.
themeanone: the fuck
calculust: it gets worse
calculust: j: yes, your paper is much bad
calculust: d: egg pack
toogaytofunction: LISTEN CADDY
toogaytofunction: i was trying to write fuck off but i didn't know how so i wrote "phack ouef" which HAPPENS to translate to egg pack
gothy-teen: can we please start using egg pack as a replacement
gothy-teen: annleigh can use it instead of good place lingo
space_alien: yes i second this
calculust: j: your french is bad also! oh, no!
calculust: d: it is not possible!
calculust: j: it is possible, i think
calculust: d: i think you is a female dog
calculust: j: you don't know who you speak
calculust: d: a small friend
calculust: j: i am not small! all the world is big. it is not my problem.
calculust: d: you is a problem
calculust: *draws something unidentifiable*
calculust: j: what the pack?
calculust: d: i know not
calculust: j: you are interesting
space_alien: i didn't know the word for weird
toogaytofunction: it's literally 'bizarre' janis and you do know bc you asked on the first day of our first year of french so that you could "insult me in multiple languages"
space_alien: brooo that was such a long time ago i can't remember
calculust: d: you know what i like?
calculust: j: me?
calculust: d: ha... no. i like coffee
calculust: j: oh, yes! i like coffee also, but your coffee is bad
calculust: d: actually the coffee is cady's
calculust: j: oh. cady's coffee is bad.
calculust: d: i know! i request for the boba, but who knows
calculust: j: yes. she is mean. but she is very sexy and pretty and i love her so much
space_alien: i did not say that
calculust: no but you should have
space_alien: i said you had pretty hair!!!
calculust: you said i had pretty horse but i got the general sentiment
calculust: d: shane is talking with me and i am annoy
calculust: j: eugh! shane is annoy
calculust: d: oh la la i like "eugh"
calculust: j: me too! i want to speak "eugh" inside english
calculust: d: yes, i am excitement
calculust: j: we are very good at france, you think?
calculust: d: yes we are much good
calculust: aaaand that's all of it
literal_demon: guys lydia is literally crying laughing
space_alien: we tried our best ok
shut_up_and_queer: shouldn't fourth year french students speak better french??
toogaytofunction: i blame the american public school system
calculust: i blame you guys for not doing your homework
space_alien: shhh caddy blame the system it's better
theatre-nerd: my favorite thing is that janis presented this to the group so that "we can see the bullying that occured" as though damian was bullying her but really janis was doing most of the bullying
space_alien: BLAME THE SYSTEM CHRISTINE
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:01 am
space_alien: happy new year
space_alien: i mean wait
space_alien: not what i meant
calculust: did you mean... merry christmas? bc it's not christmas
space_alien: let me gather my thoughts
space_alien: i MEANT
space_alien: merry christmas eve
discoball: that was a wild ride
space_alien: only bc i'm stupid
gothy-teen: ooh self-burn those are rare
gothy-teen: except not really for janis
discoball: yeah i was gonna say
space_alien: yep it's my brand
Massive_Deal: A brand that applies to most of the people in this chat, mind you.
space_alien: phack ouef
calculust: egg pack!
space_alien: fuck off!!
calculust: i don't care what your intentions are that 100% translates to egg pack
toogaytofunction: omg yeah the other day our french teacher was like "janis, as we discussed after your last homework assignment, you cannot just take english words and put a french accent on them!"
space_alien: in my defense technically i CAN do that it just turns out i'll get an F if i do
calculust: hmmm who'd have thought
themeanone: y'all should take spanish it's so much easier
bicon: aren't spanish and french like really similar in terms of their basic organization tho
themeanone: i mean yeah they're both romance languages but spanish speaking ppl are way more forgiving if you fuck it up
space_alien: that's true actually
space_alien: the spanish teacher at northshore is literally the most awesome dude ever but our french teacher points and laughs at us when we mess up
gothy-teen: bro your french teacher sounds hilarious
space_alien: i mean ig but mr jacobs lets the students play spanish bingo and shit and they make up stories in spanish
discoball: nooo that's just when he's in a good mood
discoball: when he's in a bad mood he makes us take quizzes and we all fail bc all we do in class is play bingo and make up stories so none of us know how to speak spanish
gspot: he grades on a curve tho
space_alien: madame simone just has us do one quiz every month
yalikejazz?: we don't even have a french class i don't think
kiNkY: sure we do
kiNkY: it's just that there's only like eight kids in it lmao
yalikejazz?: oh really
kiNkY: yeah apparently a bunch of freshman signed up a few years ago and then they all quit except for like eight and since it was already a month into the school year they couldn't cancel the class so they've just all been vibing in french class for four years
bicon: are... you one of those people
kiNkY: nooo i wish i just know this girl who's in it
kiNkY: i mean french sounds fun but it's way less applicable when you live in the us
space_alien: true true
space_alien: did i tell y'all that madame simone drew a dead puppy on my test last week
calculust: what that's so morbid
space_alien: ik!! she wrote "every time you don't conjugate a verb you kill a puppy"
gothy-teen: omg i am in love with your french teacher
space_alien: in fairness she did write "i liked your speech" on my homework assignment after i went off on the patriarchy and shit last year so
calculust: idk i'm still hung up on this whole puppy thing
space_alien: dw caddy it's fictional
calculust: well ik that!!!
space_alien: i went up to her after class the other day and was like "you know since you're the one drawing the puppies i think you're the one killing them" and she was like "i don't draw puppies"
space_alien: oh but you didn't let me finish
space_alien: she said "i dont draw puppies... i draw their ghosts. if you don't want them haunting you, you should speak better french."
yalikejazz?: power move tbh
gothy-teen: like i said: girlboss
space_alien: i mean if i have to be haunted i'd rather it be by puppies
bicon: isn't the whole point that if you conjugate your verbs then you DONT have to be haunted??
space_alien: let's stay in reality, please. conjugations are simply not in the cards for me
toogaytofunction: *cue the horde of ghost puppies*
early update since i probably won't have time this weekend! merry christmas to those who celebrate
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:01 am
space_alien: happy new year folks
calculust: uhh janis
calculust: new year's eve was yesterday
calculust: i was with you do you not remember
space_alien: oh wait
space_alien: yep i'm a day late sorry folks
space_alien: had to check my calendar
it'stheLittleThings: you-what-you- HUH
space_alien: in my defense none of y'all said happy new year last night so how was i supposed to know
Massive_Deal: Because you were at my house??? At midnight??? And we all screamed Happy New Year and nearly blew each other's ears out????
space_alien: ohhhh yeahhh i vaguely remember that
toogaytofunction: ok who let janis get drunk
discoball: you were supposed to be watching her!!!!
toogaytofunction: nooo but i told cady to while i went to go get the pizza
calculust: i told karen to watch her while i was in the bathroom!!!
SexyMouse: well i... did not.
discoball: oh. well. that explains it again
anythingbutwallflower: ok but guys
anythingbutwallflower: i feel like janis should still remember the entire day beforehand
space_alien: i mean i do i just forgot that it was new years eve
captainoftheteam: honestly seems like something i would do
space_alien: see!! see!!!
captainoftheteam: no no it wasn't a compliment i am a mess
space_alien: oh. well.
space_alien: OMG RONNIE
space_alien: does this mean i win worst child????
ronicaaa: worst organized person on the planet maybe
ronicaaa: but not worst child
calculust: didn't we resolve this last time???
ronicaaa: nooo but you asked if we resolved it last time
calculust: and why doesn't anyone ever give me an answer
ronicaaa: wdym i just did
calculust: no i mean can't y'all just resolve it already
toogaytofunction: janis do you not remember making out with cady for like a full fifteen minutes after the ball dropped because WHY did we all have to sit through that if you weren't even gonna remember
space_alien: oh i do remember that
bicon: so you're just lying then
bicon: you do remember last night
space_alien: ok listen i just FORGOT that last night was new years eve
space_alien: i remember the actual experience
bicon: then now- what- HUH
it'stheLittleThings: hey that's what i said!!!
bicon: you were right
space_alien: it's weird in my brain man idk what to tell you
calculust: it's true she doesn't know what's going on most of the time
space_alien: yeah i'm like a goldfish
calculust: that's... not the quote
ronicaaa: that was supposed to be a quote??
it'stheLittleThings: oh yeah that's not the right quote janis
space_alien: but i tried!!
calculust: but she tried!!!
ronicaaa: maybe i should let you have the worst child title
The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:23 pm
shut_up_and_queer: once in middle school someone stole a projector
shut_up_and_queer: just sharing :)
shut_up_and_queer: to make sure it wouldn't happen again the teachers put notes on all the remaining projectors that said "please do not take :)"
yalikejazz?: it's a little concerning that those are the same people shaping today's youth
shut_up_and_queer: AHAHA I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF THAT
shut_up_and_queer: maybe that's why i'm so dumb
gothy-teen: omg i forgot about eva's wacked k-8 school
shut_up_and_queer: someone stole a soap dispenser too!! and they closed all the bathrooms on campus except one so people would be gone from class for like twenty minutes at a time bc they had to walk all the way across campus to go pee and then the admin got mad at us for "abusing our bathroom priviledges"
shut_up_and_queer: also someone stole a hand dryer
themeanone: ...was it you
shut_up_and_queer: the hand dryer yes
shut_up_and_queer: i got some tips from the guy who stole the soap and projector
duck: you knew who did it???
shut_up_and_queer: yeah he the TA in my class
Tree_Boy: WAIT WHAT
shut_up_and_queer: yeah he was like 20 and literally hated the whole admin so he decided to pull some hijinx and i caught him putting the projecter back once
ronicaaa: ok that IS fucked up
space_alien: omg ronnie
space_alien: unrelated: do y'all ever like forget your cousins exist
space_alien: asking for a friend!!!
ronicaaa: what friend
space_alien: uhhh you don't know them???
ronicaaa: i don't know one of your friends?? add them to the chat then
space_alien: ok FINE i made em up
macaroni: how does one forget that veronica exists
macaroni: like ig i get forgetting about your cousin but ronnie??? is kind of hard to forget
ronicaaa: aw thanks babe
space_alien: i don't think that was necessarily a compliment
ronicaaa: oh hush
macaroni: actually she's sort of right
ronicaaa: why is everyone so mean to me
alyssa_greeene: i mean in fairness you're sort of mean to everyone else
ronicaaa: shut up alyssa
ronicaaa: oh i hear it now
hope you enjoyed!! inspiration courtesy of @/evil-himbo on tumblr
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:22 pm
captainoftheteam: important question
discoball: important answer
discoball: oh i don't know nevermind
captainoftheteam: ok so like?? what are your guys' screen time averages usually???
anythingbutwallflower: omg reese are you still obsessing about this
captainoftheteam: yes!!! six hours is TOO MUCH TIME, cairo
space_alien: i mean mine's usually around five hours
captainoftheteam: ok janis is a poor data point bc she's a mess
captainoftheteam: how about someone like regina or cady or something
calculust: i mean you kind of are an outlier sweetie
space_alien: you people are the worst
calculust: mine is usually around like three and a half hours
captainoftheteam: ok that's more reasonable
macaroni: ??? mine's always at like two and a half
hopelesslosergorl: well thet's just wierd
macaroni: you're just weird!!!!
space_alien: hey i was gonna say it!!!
macaroni: sucks to be you ig
space_alien: veronica you've corrupted your girlfriend beyond repair
ronicaaa: hush hush
ronicaaa: i usually have 4 hours of screen time
captainoftheteam: you people are crazy!!!!!!
lesbean: well what's yours
captainoftheteam: like one hour forty five
anythingbutwallflower: sure, I'M the weird one
alyssa_greeene: yeah reese that's like shockingly low
captainoftheteam: it's not my fault everyone else in the world is addicted to their phones!!!!
anythingbutwallflower: i think it's just because reese has nothing interesting on her phone
anythingbutwallflower: no life
captainoftheteam: ok well you don't have to ATTACK me
anythingbutwallflower: you attacked me first bitch
shut_up_and_queer: guys no murdering please
captainoftheteam: what's YOUR screen time eva
shut_up_and_queer: two hours
shut_up_and_queer: one hour on like instagram or playing games or watching youtube or something and one hour for like texting or using my online calculator
bicon: damn eva's so put together
shut_up_and_queer: yeah it's really hard guys
anythingbutwallflower: title of your sex tape, and i still think that's weirdly low
Horse_Gorl: ok but babe you do have to admit that six hours IS excessive
anythingbutwallflower: well maybe i wouldn't be on my phone so much if not for this gc that never shuts up
captainoftheteam: what gc
anythingbutwallflower: THIS ONE
alyssa_greeene: except wait we're all on this chat too and WE'RE not on our phones six hours a day
anythingbutwallflower: LET IT GO ALYSSA
The Ultimate Groupchat, 2:08 pm
discoball: guys i don't get question 2 at all
discoball: whoops wrong chat
discoball: eh i'll open it up for debate
discoball: what the fuck is transcendentalism??
micheal_sMells: gonna need some context
discoball: it's for my history class
space_alien: eh i've given up at this point
calculust: nooo you got this jan
calculust: just one and a half more weeks
bicon: till... what??
calculust: the end of the semester
space_alien: THAT'S THE PROBLEM CADDY
space_alien: I HAVE ONE AND A HALF WEEKS TO DO THREE WEEKS WORTH OF WORK
calculust: I'M SORRY
gothy-teen: what why three weeks of work
space_alien: because i don't go to class lydia keep up!!
gothy-teen: right sorry
discoball: GUYS THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
gothy-teen: your emergencies in the past have been underwhelming but go for it
discoball: what's transcendentalism??? and also who's that emerson dude
lesbean: gretch i don't think you realize how much more context is necessary
calculust: just write about how they both went against what society thought and stuff
Massive_Deal: Wait guys, I actually emailed Mr. Howard about this and he said we don't have to say anything about Emerson specifically.
Massive_Deal: Yeah, just talk about his ideas of transcendentalism.
discoball: WHAT'S TRANSCENDENTALISM
calculust: GUYS NO I WORKED SO HARD
calculust: i reread his entire biography AND his whole document!!!
space_alien: seeee caddy this is why procrastination wins
calculust: wrong takeaway
space_alien: right takeaway!! just wait till you have more information and it'll be easier
lesbean: um counterpoint, sometimes you wait too long and then it's one am and you're frantically trying to finish your math assignment and it's too late to ask your teacher for help and everyone else is asleep and you're too tired to comprehend the numbers and they're just swimming in your vision
alyssa_greeene: based on personal experience perhaps?
lesbean: you KNOW it is
toogaytofunction: guys how long is our response to each question supposed to be???
calculust: i wrote a page for each
toogaytofunction: ugh no i'm looking for minimal effort
space_alien: i'm writing like a paragraph for each
toogaytofunction: A PARAGRAPH
toogaytofunction: I DON'T HAVE THAT MANY THOUGHTS
discoball: SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TRANSCENDENTALISM IS
space_alien: GOOGLE IT
discoball: i did but it makes no sense!!
gothy-teen: then what makes you think we'll be able to help???
discoball: idk i figure there has to be at least one smart person here
Massive_Deal: Transcendentalism basically is the belief that your conscience is God telling you what to do.
ronicaaa: there's your one smart person
discoball: thank god
Massive_Deal: Guys this isn't that difficult
micheal_sMells: so we're just like never getting context for this huh
calculust: you guys need to be better students
toogaytofunction: excuse you i've gotten 30/30 on every one of these assignments all semester
calculust: no i don't believe you
toogaytofunction: believe it bitch
calculust: ok well so have i
calculust: that one f is just my participation points bc i was like two minutes late to class
toogaytofunction: hahaaaa caddy's a slacker
calculust: IT WAS ONE TIME
calculust: the bus was running late!!! i got there at 8:32!!! it was incredibly stupid
calculust: and then i AGGRESSIVELY participated for the rest of class but he still didn't change it
toogaytofunction: you probably have the lowest grade out of all of us
calculust: i do not!! i have a 98!!
toogaytofunction: i have a 99!!! how do you like them apples
discoball: i have 100
toogaytofunction: what really
space_alien: how are y'all's grades so high??? i have an 85!!
toogaytofunction: well we actually turn stuff in and aren't lame all the time so
space_alien: wow ouch
space_alien: gonna go cry
discoball: anyway how much should i write
toogaytofunction: a paragraph apparently
calculust: like as much as you do on those worksheets he gives us
discoball: what?? i write like 12 words max for each question on those
calculust: well just write as much as you would on the worksheets if you were like a good student
discoball: i am a very good student!!!! i just don't like to write!!
calculust: sure, gretch, sure
ronicaaa: i think cady's getting progressively meaner
macaroni: eh it's fine
macaroni: it's more entertaining
discoball: wait so what's transcendentalism again?? i forgot
lesbean: oh good lord
The Ultimate Groupchat, 8:34pm
shut_up_and_queer: guys my 80 year old grandpa just got reintroducted to his childhood rifle and i cannot express t you the depth of my terror rn
kiNkY: oh that is rather upsetting
gothy-teen: what is
gothy-teen: oh sorry i read it as "he got reintroduced to his childhood"
gothy-teen: all good now
gothy-teen: what is his plan for it
shut_up_and_queer: he was gonna donate it?? to a rifle collector?? but i'm starting to worry that he's gonna keep it
duck: wait wait back up why did he have a CHILDHOOD RIFLE
shut_up_and_queer: not like CHILDHOOD childhood
shut_up_and_queer: like he wasn't a five year old with a rifle
shut_up_and_queer: i don't think
ronicaaa: you don't THINK???
shut_up_and_queer: oh shut UP veronica you killed like twelve people!!
ronicaaa: one!! one person!!! maybe in another universe heather and kurt and ram all died but NOT IN THIS ONE BITCH
chandelier: didn't love the close call though
ronicaaa: oh fuck off you're fine
shut_up_and_queer: update he shot at a squirrel
gothy-teen: HE KILLED A SQUIRREL????
shut_up_and_queer: NO omg he shot AT it but he missed because he's EIGHTY YEARS OLD learn to READ lydia GOD
chandelier: again, don't love the close call
shut_up_and_queer: my grandma's passive aggressively trying to get him to put it down now
themeanone: how's that workin out for her
shut_up_and_queer: not great but it's pretty funny
shut_up_and_queer: "put down the gun, doug, i think it's time for a nap." "pamela, why won't the damn squirrels leave my property alone?" "this isn't your property, doug, we're at your daughter's house and i think she's planning to kick us out."
literal_demon: this isn't your property DOUG
literal_demon: i'm gonna start saying that
gothy-teen: we don't know anyone named doug
literal_demon: THIS ISN'T YOUR PROPERTY LYDIA
literal_demon: see? works
duck: does it??
literal_demon: yeah i decided
duck: well ok then
shut_up_and_queer: HE PUT THE GUN DOWN
shut_up_and_queer: now he's... asleep??
gothy-teen: damn your grandma was right about the nap
shut_up_and_queer: yeah she's usually right
shut_up_and_queer: she keeps a scrapbook
duck: of all the times she's right???
shut_up_and_queer: i mean
shut_up_and_queer: only like the big stuff
shut_up_and_queer: and she doesn't reuse the same things
shut_up_and_queer: like there's only one photo of my grandpa sleeping
shut_up_and_queer: but then again it has the number 426 next to it for the sake of nice solid numbers
gothy-teen: she's been right about the naps 426 times??
shut_up_and_queer: oh shit that was supposed to say 4260
gothy-teen: i- okay your grandma's my new favorite person ever
shut_up_and_queer: there's seventeen volumes of these things man
shut_up_and_queer: she's been making them since she was fifteen
duck: idk it seems a little obsessive
duck: plus kinda mean
gothy-teen: you're obsessive and mean
duck: i mean yeah that's how i know
gothy-teen: dammit she checks out
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:29pm
anythingbutwallflower: guys we're at a cheer thingy in another town and the wifi at our hotel is so shitty i'm gonna cry
Horse_Gorl: omg babe for the last time if you would just go to sleep you wouldn't care about the wifi
anythingbutwallflower: but i wanna watch brooklyn 99!! also fuck off i'm sharing my feelings
themeanone: no she's right tho this internet is terrible
Horse_Gorl: you're terrible
themeanone: thank you
Horse_Gorl: you guys are gonna make us mess up at cheer tomorrow
anythingbutwallflower: nuh uh
macaroni: as someone who has perfected a twenty-minute cheer routine on less than an hour of sleep before i can assure you they won't
ronicaaa: i think you meant that to be a brag but it's really just super concerning
macaroni: no it's just cuz i was at a party with chandler this one time and then i had to do all my homework and then i was super wired cuz like i drank four redbulls so that i could stay awake to do my homework and then i finally went to sleep for an hour but then i woke up bc my neighbor was running his leaf blower at like five am for no reason and i was like oh well there's like no point in going to sleep now
macaroni: and then i went to the pep rally :)
Horse_Gorl: yeahhh i'm gonna side with veronica, that's v concerning
ok ok short chapter i apologize, it's probably going to be short late chapters for the next three weeks or so, my life is absolutely i n s a n e atm but i promise i'm trying :))
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:00pm
gothy-teen: YALL I HAVE AN AMAZING STORY
toogaytofunction: OMG WHAT
gothy-teen: omg ok so i was walking back home from school and this lady walked out of ther house with NO PANTS ON!! and then like i was just there and it was so scary cuz we made eye contact and then i ran away cuz like yeah she didn't have pants on
gothy-teen: that's the whole story it's actually not that amazing but it's quite entertaining
space_alien: that's so funny
gothy-teen: honestly it was kinda a vibe
gothy-teen: she was like sixty
gothy-teen: i feel like that's my future self
ronicaaa: samne honestly
calculust: guys... no... wear pants pls
gothy-teen: to be fair she was wearing underwear
gothy-teen: but they were kinda see thru ngl
bicon: isn't that almost worse tho
gothy-teen: yes but like i said, power move
literal_demon: lydia that's kinda disturbing
gothy-teen: you're kinda disturbing!!!
literal_demon: yeah but i don't hit on old ladies
gothy-teen: i wasn't SITTING on her i was just sayin
gothy-teen: HITTING goddamnit HITTING
literal_demon: idk about you sometimes bestie
gothy-teen: oh FUCK OF
gothy-teen: shut UP you GUYS
The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:03 pm
macaroni: VERONICA EMERGENCY
macaroni: wow cold
ronicaaa: sorry lemme retry
ronicaaa: good evening my lovey dovey heather mcnamara, how can i be of assistance to you?
macaroni: yes good job
macaroni: DO YOU HAVE THE PAGES WE'RE SUPPOSED TO READ FOR CHEMISTRY
anythingbutwallflower: smooth transition mac really
ronicaaa: pages? what pages??
macaroni: at the top of the assignment page it says so i think
macaroni: on page 21??
ronicaaa: page 21 is blank!!!!
macaroni: what kinda fucked up chem packet do you have where there's blank pages????
ronicaaa: idk the copy room in school is like incapable of doing it's job!!
macaroni: well whatever assignment page you have
ronicaaa: i don't even know what ur talking about
ronicaaa: what's an assignment page??
lesbean: i- i mean what do you think it is
ronicaaa: idk!! we have a lot of papers in that class
ronicaaa: also mac you know it's saturday right??
lesbean: um it's friday
ronicaaa: even worse!!
macaroni: what's your point
ronicaaa: why are you doing homework on a friday night???
macaroni: so i don't have to tomorrow or sunday? also i'm not doing it now i'm just asking you cuz i knew you'd be difficult about it and wanted to get it out of the way
ronicaaa: i?? am offended i think?? mostly just confused
calculust: wait why didn't you just ask someone else??
lesbean: i mean she did send it in a groupchat with like a billion people
anythingbutwallflower: yeah one of us could answer
macaroni: oh my god you guys
macaroni: ok let me walk you through this
macaroni: turn to page 21 of your chemistry packets
calculust: oh i don't take chem
lesbean: i do but not the same one
anythingbutwallflower: yeah same
anythingbutwallflower: oh i see the issue
anythingbutwallflower: also this conversation got super boring and about homework so i propose a subject change
macaroni: oh i'm SO SORRY i was being a GOOD STUDENT
ronicaaa: yeah you should be
anythingbutwallflower: CALLING ALL TROOPS
anythingbutwallflower: IT'S RIVETING CONVO TIME
hopelesslosergorl: what's up
anythingbutwallflower: idk do you have a farrahism for us
hopelesslosergorl: like what??
hopelesslosergorl: come on get a subject going
anythingbutwallflower: bruh idk that's why i asked you
space_alien: IM HERE TO SAVE YOU
ronicaaa: JANIS!! OUR LORD AND SAVIOR!!
space_alien: anyway what are we talking about
calculust: were you not following along
space_alien: what no
anythingbutwallflower: then why take such a bold and in context entrance???
space_alien: oh that's just how i enter places in general
lesbean: good grief
The Ultimate Groupchat, 7:24 pm
shut_up_and_queer: hey people my people
themeanone: which people
shut_up_and_queer: you'll do
themeanone: but okay
shut_up_and_queer: can you send me the answers to the gilded age things?? i don't wanna listen to the audio thing
lesbean: guys guys guys
lesbean: hot take
lesbean: what if we didn't use the chain with 30+ ppl for homework stuff
themeanone: a good take
themeanone: but counterpoint
themeanone: the convo has already been started
lesbean: ok but can this be the last one???
themeanone: it can try
lesbean: what no
themeanone: also baby i haven't done that yet
shut_up_and_queer: of course you havent
themeanone: is that due tomorrow??
themeanone: what????? i thought it was just a quiz
anythingbutwallflower: no you gotta write about the terms
captainoftheteam: WHAT NO
captainoftheteam: what are we supposed to write???
themeanone: yeah i thought we were just supposed to know what they were
themeanone: well then will someone tell them what they mean???
shut_up_and_queer: what no i was asking you
themeanone: which was a mistake cuz u know i never do stuff
it'stheLittlethings: so there's not hw then??
anythingbutwallflower: no idts
themeanone: fine then eva i don't need you
shut_up_and_queer: that was never the issue!!
shut_up_and_queer: hey caiiiirroooo
anythingbutwallflower: nahhh i'm not giving you the answers
shut_up_and_queer: i always help you with chemistry!!!
shut_up_and_queer: look at my sad face!!!
anythingbutwallflower: i'm looking and i feel nothing
micheal_sMells: CHRISTINE!! i bought a ticket to the spring show
shut_up_and_queer: cairo you're so mean and stupid
anythingbutwallflower: yeah i'm mean, but i think it's you that's stupid
theatre-nerd: ooh micheal what day
micheal_sMells: march 12
bicon: omg that's the day i'm going!!
theatre-nerd: that's the day my parents are going!!
theatre-nerd: jeremy ur left out
bicon: christine it'd better be your very best show
theatre-nerd: i mean we open in a week and still haven't done a full run thru but i'll try
whyamievenheere: wait why am i being excluded
theatre-nerd: i mean you could get tickets
whyamievenheere: i was so supportive of your rehearsal process!!
theatre-nerd: i'm not the one doing the excluding!! just buy tickets dork
themeanone: can someone send me the audio for the english assignment
anythingbutwallflower: it's online
whyamievenheere: ok christine i'm looking at tickets
whyamievenheere: how vital is the seat selection thing
themeanone: cairo i can't find it!!
theatre-nerd: jeremy i have no idea what you're on about
anythingbutwallflower: KATE omfg it's literally on the website
whyamievenheere: for tickets!! like do ppl actually honor the seats they pick
theatre-nerd: idk i've never booked tickets for a high school show before
theatre-nerd: cuz i'm always in them
whyamievenheere: dammit i was counting on you to have the inside scoop!!!
themeanone: cairo ik it's online but can you just send it to me?? i can't find it anywhere
anythingbutwallflower: kate!!! go to the english card!! scroll to the gilded age section!! look for the audio review module!! and click! on the fucking! link!
anythingbutwallflower: it's not that hard
shut_up_and_queer: kate don't bother it has like no info
themeanone: then why am i stressing????
captainoftheteam: guys i have a sad story about that
captainoftheteam: i clicked on the audio link and clicked on the skip button and didn't notice, and then i listened to 30 out of 40 minutes of the next video about oil companies!! and then finally i realized he wasn't talking about any of the points and i had clicked on the wrong one!!
shut_up_and_queer: that's sad
shut_up_and_queer: but also the actual audio doesn't address any of the points
shut_up_and_queer: so just google
shut_up_and_queer: and BY THE WAY
shut_up_and_queer: i didn't know ANY OF THIS when i first texted
shut_up_and_queer: but while you people were being busy NOT HELPING
shut_up_and_queer: i did the assignment like a NERD and sorted it out for myself
shut_up_and_queer: so thanks
themeanone: you're so welcome
shut_up_and_queer: you are so fucking lucky i love you
The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:07pm
discoball: injuries i've received this week ranked by amount of ridiculousness, from least to greatest
discoball: don't interrupt the list!!
macaroni: my apologies
discoball: scraped my knuckle against the wall while making my bed - kinda stupid, but happens on a regular basis. boring
discoball: banged my head on the floor - points for creativity, but genuinely don’t remember it
discoball: whacked the shit out of my knee while climbing onto a platform - funny bc it was super unnecessary for me to climb up the way i did, i just didn’t want to get in anyone’s way. hurt like a bitch tho
discoball: banged my ribs on the SAME fucking platform - repetition is one of the rules of comedy, is it not?
discoball: hit my nose on the refrigerator - 10/10. what person forgets to step out of the way before closing the door? incredible.
calculust: gretch are you good??
Massive_Deal: Yeah I think we might need to wrap you in bubble wrap before you go to school tomorrow
discoball: there's no school tomorrow
discoball: and i don't have any bubble wrap that hasn't been popped
SexyMouse: we dont have shcool tomorw?
discoball: nope it's a conference day
space_alien: uhh gretchen aren't you failing like three classes?? i feel like you should conference with your teachers
discoball: i thought y'all wanted to protect me
space_alien: i never agreed to that
macaroni: janis don't be mean!!
space_alien: mac i can barely keep myself alive!!! how do you expect me to worry about anyone else???
macaroni: i... don't know
ronicaaa: you need to stop watching how i met your mother janis
ronicaaa: like it's a major issue
space_alien: *salutes* major issue
ronicaaa: oh fuck you
discoball: update!! gave myself a rash by holding a hot water bottle directly onto my skin. 4/10 very stupid. and banged the same fucking knee. 2/10 it’s not funny anymore gretchen get your shit together
lesbean: that happened in the last two minutes???
lesbean: i'm starting to understand where the term disaster gay comes from
discoball: cady this isn't about you
lesbean: disaster queer??
calculust: i'll accept it
discoball: i accept it emma
lesbean: oh well thanks but i was more worried about cady
discoball: i will slit your throat
lesbean: gretchen approval for the win!!!
this chapter will be better if you read this chapter of the six groupchat :)))
The Ultimate Groupchat, 6:12 pm
duck: let's get down to business
gothy-teen: to defeat
space_alien: the huns
duck: that's all the words i know lmao
calculust: what on god's green earth was that
hopelesslosergorl: don't say the lord's name in vain!!!
gothy-teen: shut up annleigh
gothy-teen: oh wait you're farrah
gothy-teen: and you're joking
gothy-teen: to make fun of annleigh
gothy-teen: ok i get it carry on
space_alien: wait caddy do you not know mulan???
calculust: is that a book?
space_alien: DAMIAN WE FAILED HER
lesbean: it's MULAN damian come on man
toogaytofunction: ok true
calculust: you guys i don't know if i can handle another musical
toogaytofunction: yes you can
calculust: oh right ok
lesbean: did he just-
toogaytofunction: i made an executive decision
space_alien: fun fact that's how i realized i was a lesbian
space_alien: i was all upset about regina and i was talking to damian about it and was like "and i'm not even a lesbian!" and he goes "what? yes you are!" and i was like "oh okay"
lesbean: you're not born gay damian decides for you
alyssa_greeene: sexuality is a choice but it's not yours
gspot: that should be the next gay rights campaign
space_alien: yeah that would deeeefinitely go over well
gspot: hush janis don't spoil our fun
toogaytofunction: too bad y'all already know your sexualities that would have been fun
SexyMouse: i dont!!
toogaytofunction: oh i'm not tackling that one
SexyMouse: what whyyy
toogaytofunction: nope nope nope
toogaytofunction: i am retired
toogaytofunction: i retired 20 years ago
toogaytofunction: i am deceased
SexyMouse: yeha thats fare
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:04 pm
Horse_Gorl: guys i am literally more tired than i've ever been ever in my life
macaroni: pretty sure you've said that at least three other times this week
Horse_Gorl: ok well i'm super tired dangit mac i was building to something
macaroni: lol i love how you pretend you didn't type out dammit and then go correct yourself before hitting send
macaroni: but go on
Horse_Gorl: i- okay
Hosre_Gorl: i just spent three freaking hours playing some stupid unicorn game with cairo and everyone and i feel like my soul is gone
Horse_Gorl: and not even in a religious way!!
anythingbutwallflower: come on babe it wasn't that bad
Horse_Gorl: well it WOULDN'T have been had you not played that STUPID super neigh and cancelled my win so the game went on for another hour!!
anythingbutwallflower: I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO
space_alien: wait are you guys talking about unstable unicorns???
space_alien: i HATE that game!! it's like impossible to win!!
anythingbutwallflower: it is not!
captainoftheteam: and how would you know
anythingbutwallflower: just because i ended the game with three cards does not mean i'm a loser!!
themeanone: uh yeah that's exactly what it means
anythingbutwallflower: oh hush kate no one asked you
hopelesslosergorl: ok but i ws thee one who atcutally won!!
Horse_Gorl: NO YOU WERE NOT
Horse_Gorl: I PLAYED THAT SUPER NEIGH
space_alien: seeeee it also destroys friendships!!
checkers: that's what i said!! but they were all like nooo chess that's a different game you're thinking of don't be sillyyyyy
calculust: janis isn't that the one that literally has a thing on the instructions saying "play the game, betray your friends, unicorns are your friends now"?
checkers: SEEE oh my god
toogaytofunction: wait jan is that the one that's like gubs
discoball: what's gubs??
calculust: wait gretch are you serious
calculust: you literally play that with us all the time
discoball: are you fucking with me right now?
calculust: are you??? you played it for like a month straight last summer
discoball: am i having a stroke or something wtf
discoball: i have no recollection of that
macaroni: i feel like there's a lot of gaslighting happening in the chat tonight
captainoftheteam: gaslight gatekeep girlboss
calculust: no i'm not gaslighting this genuinely happened
calculust: and i'm kind of concerned that you don't remember
discoball: eh it's chill
calculust: i feel like it's not
discoball: no it is
checkers: ok but I was genuinely gaslit
themeanone: not on purpose tho
themeanone: we're just stupid
checkers: well i'm not gonna argue with you there
The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:57 pm
space_alien: good day
calculust: god dag
a-aron: guten tag
anythingbutwallflower: bona dies
whyamievenheere: bonne journee
micheal_sMells: buenos dias
space_alien: ok done now
toogaytofunction: did you guys just google translate all that
calculust: you guys are the worst
short update cuz i'm tired
The Ultimate Groupchat, 12:06 am
space_alien: i just witnessed the best thing ever
space_alien: there was a cat
space_alien: no no no you don't understand
space_alien: it was in a bookstore
space_alien: her name was The Duchess Rose and according to the front desk lady 'she makes the rules'
shut_up_and_queer: i am obsessed
toogaytofunction: the duchess rose??? that's almost as extra as i am
space_alien: i KNOW
calculust: ok ok calm down babe
space_alien: i want a cat caddy
calculust: you have a cat
space_alien: no but i want that cat
calculust: well that's called stealing and i don't think you should do it
space_alien: i respectfully disagree
theatre-nerd: you... disagree about the law??
space_alien: no i disagree about whether i should do it or not
a-aron: ok but the law still applies???
space_alien: yeah but i'm gay tho
themeanone: be gay do crime :)))
shut_up_and_queer: kate no
calculust: baby what if you just rename your cat to duchess rose or whatever
space_alien: she already has a name!!! you can't just change your name!!
Horse_Gorl: trans people beg to differ
space_alien: ok well i can't change it for her
calculust: how about i send you a picture of a cat and you pretend you own it
space_alien: or steal one!!!
space_alien: maybe i'll get a chinchilla
anythingbutwallflower: because that's easier
space_alien: chinchillas are cool bro
space_alien: they can't get wet cuz their fur is too thick and will grow mold so they bathe in sand!!! and predators can't get their claws through
calculust: i think it's bedtime for janis now
calculust: i'm cutting you off
toogaytofunction: janis has been forcibly removed from the conversation
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:04 pm
gothy-teen: i should be a comedian
literal_demon: don't you have to be funny for that
bicon: badum pshhhh
gothy-teen: okay ouch
space_alien: omg lydia i'll be a comedian with you
bicon: i don't think it works like that
lesbean: shhh don't crush their dreams
bicon: i feel like these are the sorts of people who need dreams to be crushed
toogaytofunction: he's very wrong
toogaytofunction: right i meant right
toogaytofunction: what day is it
ronicaaa: uhh damian are you good
space_alien: in what way can we not both be comedians
bicon: well you can't do a routine together is what i meant
space_alien: oh yeah no i wouldn't do a routine with lydia
gothy-teen: oh actually i wouldn't do a routine with me either
literal_demon: tonight on: does she have low self esteem or is she just smart
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:07 pm
kiNkY: guys i'm like lowkey obsessed with john mulaney
idiot: oh no
idiot: please don't say you want to become a comedian
kiNkY: what no i just like john mulaney
yalikejazz?: oh thank god
kiNkY: well now i think i should be offended
Alana_Beck: No, no, it's just that you're not that funny
yalikejazz?: well no you're funny you just have bad self esteem
idiot: nonono you just need like a really thick skin as a comedian
kiNkY: i have thick skin!! fuck off you're gonna make me cry!!
Tree_Boy: you kinda proved their point
kiNkY: someone please kill everyone here
ronicaaa: haha you sound like my dead boyfriend
literal_demon: i love comedy
gothy-teen: oh god do i have to tell you all that stuff too
literal_demon: no i think stand up is the worst
literal_demon: it's way funnier to scare the shit out of people
gothy-teen: that's true
macaroni: that's mean!!
gothy-teen: you're mean!!
macaroni: actually i'm not, that's sort of the whole point is i'm not mean
ronicaaa: the whole point of what??
space_alien: i should be a comedian!!
calculust: babe no please don't make me be mean to you
space_alien: anyhoo do you guys ever like forget to breathe
ronicaaa: oh yeah if you're like really focused on something
literal_demon: i can't breathe
hopelesslosergorl: me neither!!!
kiNkY: hm. ghosts
yalikejazz?: are you remarking on something specific about ghosts or are you just reminding yourself that they exist
kiNkY: oh i don't know zoe sometimes ya just say stuff ok
idiot: why could i perfectly hear your tone when i read that sentence
kiNky: idk maybe you're psychic
idiot: or maybe your voice is just impossible to forget
kiNkY: thank you
idiot: no it's a bad thing
kiNkY: fuck you
idiot: there you go
yes i know i wrote about this last week but i'm a busy lady so don't judge me thanks
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:17 pm
gothy-teen: ok i have a question for y'all that could ruin friendships
space_alien: ooh fun
gothy-teen: rank the friends
calculust: which friends
gothy-teen: THE friends
gothy-teen: like the show
calculust: ohhh i see
calculust: idk i just don't like the tall one
space_alien: the- the tall one?
calculust: the sad dude
calculust: yeah sure
toogaytofunction: what how can you not like ross???
calculust: he's annoying!! and mean!!
anythingbutwallflower: isn't the whole point that he's not mean
space_alien: nah he's mean to rachel tho
calculust: yeah i don't like either of them
kiNkY: i don't like monica
Alana_Beck: You're just saying that because she's like me
kiNkY: what noooo
gothy-teen: ahem people i said RANK them
calculust: ok 1. the ocd one 2. the dumb one 3. the funny one 4. the blonde one 5. the annoying girl 6. ross
space_alien: allow me to translate: monica, joey, chandler, phoebe, rachel by process of elimination, ross
space_alien: also i VEHEMENTLY disagree
space_alien: it goes chandler, joey, monica, ross, rachel
toogaytofunction: oh you just put rachel last because she's like regina
space_alien: hey that's offensive to regina!!
toogaytofunction: it goes phoebe, joey, rachel, monica, ross, chandler
space_alien: you're just saying that because chandler's like me
toogaytofunction: i mean
kiNkY: no no guys it goes chandler joey phoebe rachel ross monica
gothy-teen: NO it's phoebe joey chandler monica rachel ross
Alana_Beck: she's right, it's the only correct option
macaroni: huh you guys all put joey second
toogaytofunction: yay joey for the win!!
macaroni: but he's SECOND
toogaytofunction: joey for the almost win!!
macaroni: what if i put him last
space_alien: well then we'd have to kill you
macaroni: ack what
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:22 pm
Massive_Deal: Good evening
space_alien: yes your honor
Massive_Deal: Oh nothing, I just wanted to start something
space_alien: alright well
ronicaaa: have y'all watched the gay pirate show
toogaytofunction: yes and i'm UNWELL
ronicaaa: ME TOO
Massive_Deal: There we go
space_alien: have you watched it reggie
Massive_Deal: Yes. I'm devastated.
themeanone: hm yeah you can tell
wannaride: no no no you guys i have been through such an ORDEAL over this shit
ronicaaa: we all have brooke
wannaride: nonono listennn
wannaride: so last night i watched the second to last episode
wannaride: wait has anyone not watched it yet
wannahang: NOT ME
wannaride: oh ok babe i'll keep it vague for you
wannaride: so basically the Terrible Thing happened
wannaride: and i was so upset but it was like 11 on a school night so i was like oh i'll be responsible and go to bed
wannaride: which was utterly pointless bc i didn't sleep anyway cuz i was obsessing over what was gonna happen next
wannaride: and THEN i had to wake up and go to FUCKING SCHOOL
wannaride: and all day i was SO ANXIOUS i felt like i was DYING and fucking RICH was looking at me with this sad little grimace bc he'd already seen in and then of course i went home and immediately watched the finale and now i'm EVEN MORE DEVASTATED
bicon: i didn't spoil anything tho did i
wannaride: no but the vibes coming off of you said you realllyyy wanted to
wannaride: also you were vaguely upset so i knew it was gonna be an upsetting finale
bicon: i told you i was upset bc i failed a chemistry quiz tho
wannaride: yeahhh you're not that good at lying
wannahang: well now i don't wanna watch it
wannaride: no babe you have to
wannahang: you said it's devastating!!
wannaride: only bc it's so good!! i've literally been rewatching the same compilation videos over and over since i finished it
themeanone: that seems unhealthy
space_alien: you seem unhealthy
themeanone: at least i'm not crying over gay pirates
space_alien: fuck you
wannaride: yeah fuck you!!
Massive_Deal: This is not the direction in which I wanted this to go
space_alien: heyyy you should change your name to massive aggression instead of massive deal
wannahang: isn't it supposed to be passive aggression?
wannaride: just watch the show babe
but this show was released this year! does the ugc exist in real time?? is covid part of it?? fuck off you guys i'm COPING
(talking to the voices in my head not you all)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:28 pm
themeanone: guys capitalism is so hard
themeanone: like not even... just... it's hard
lesbean: bro what happened
shut_up_and_queer: she just got an after school job and it's hitting her that she's gonna have to pay taxes from now until she dies
themeanone: DON'T REMIND ME EVA
shut_up_and_queer: sorry sweetie it's just very very funny to me
themeanone: that's not better!!!
hopelesslosergorl: lol imagine being alive
checkers: can't relate
clarky-boy: sucks to be y'all
themeanone: stoppp i'm gonna cry
shut_up_and_queer: you already did
shut_up_and_queer: I'M SORRY
hopelesslosergorl: no she's not
shut_up_and_queer: yeah no i'm not
themeanone: i feel attacked
space_alien: welcome to my world
toogaytofunction: oh shut up jan we are so nice to you
space_alien: ok but you see the irony of that statement right
calculust: just... shhhh
space_alien: we should start our OWN gc kate
space_alien: lydia too
space_alien: and jared
space_alien: all the scapegoats
yalikejazz?: pshh you are not scapegoats
yalikejazz?: you just happen to be chaotic and need to be contained
ronicaaa: wait a minute janis why was i not included
space_alien: oh sorry i forgot about you
ronicaaa: your own flesh and blood???
ronicaaa: fuck you
themeanone: can we go back to my thing
space_alien: sorry not sorry
themeanone: you weren't even the one who said it
space_alien: yeah but i thought it
themeanone: fine i don't even wanna be in your seperate gc
calculust: just... shhhh
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:19 pm
theatre-nerd: guys i'm bored
theatre-nerd: y'all should entertain me
checkers: woah someone's actually texting on here during the day for once
anythingbutwallflower: we text on here during the day all the time
whyamievenheere: i mean it has been weeks i'm pretty sure
theatre-nerd: this is not entertaining enough
checkers: ok ok sorry
hopelesslosergorl: wats the oposite of a feret??
checkers: i knew she'd have one locked and loaded
theatre-nerd: uhh idk
hopelesslosergorl: what?? cmon im trying to figre it out
theatre-nerd: uhh not a ferret??
hopelesslosergorl: no thats stupid
theatre-nerd: you're stupid!!
hopelesslosergorl: wats that got to do w anyrthing
space_alien: an otter!!
checkers: no that's too similar
micheal_sMells: a hippo??
micheal_sMells: what similarities do hippos and ferrets share??
space_alien: i mean
space_alien: four legs? a mouth? two eyes? a lot of things
micheal_sMells: yeah but all animals have those
micheal_sMells: it's not special
space_alien: you're not special
micheal_sMells: oh fuck off
whyamievenheere: a bird maybe??
anythingbutwallflower: that's not similar enough
whyamievenheere: well they're supposed to be opposites!!
anythingbutwallflower: yeah but in order for two things to be opposites they have to be a little bit the same
anythingbutwallflower: well cement isn't the opposite of coffee because those are just two random things
anythingbutwallflower: that's not... farrah...
anythingbutwallflower: ANYWAY in order for two things to be opposite they have to be different ends of the same spectrum
anythingbutwallflower: and ferrets and birds are not on the same spectrum
theatre-nerd: says who??
checkers: ah yes that clears things up
checkers: what about a worm??
space_alien: ohhh that's pretty good actually
space_alien: but maybe the opposite shouldn't be an animal?? idk how opposites work
anythingbutwallflower: i just explained it!!
space_alien: oh i wasn't paying attention lemme scroll up
space_alien: oh that does make sense
hopelesslosergorl: im happey with worm
checkers: are we sure they're not too different??
theatre-nerd: i mean
theatre-nerd: they're both long and floppy and they're both animals
theatre-nerd: but pretty much everything else is different
theatre-nerd: i think it counts
hopelesslosergorl: yeh thats wht i was thinnking
anythingbutwallflower: was it?? or did you just want the conversation to be over??
hopelesslosergorl: you cant proove anythingg
thought i wasn't gonna have time to update this week but turns out i care more about this than i do my homework so enjoy ;)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:01 am
gothy-teen: guys i have a super important question
literal_demon: aren't you in class rn
gothy-teen: yeah that's what made me think of it
anythingbutwallflower: ok what is it
gothy-teen: why on earth didn't we just let the south secede during the civil war??
gothy-teen: i mean like,,, why did we just let the racists leave?? why were we like NO STAY PLEASE
anythingbutwallflower: bro that's such a good point
calculust: i mean there would still have been slavery though if we'd let the south secede
calculust: the US just wouldn't have had control of it
Alana_Beck: Also, the South DID secede
gothy-teen: right but like you know what i mean
gothy-teen: like why did we fight a war over it
theatre-nerd: i mean yeah i think there's something to be said for having control and therefore ending slavery in both the north and the south
theatre-nerd: bc if the north had said "yeah fine go ahead and secede" then they would have been happy and the south would have been happy but like... there would still have been slavery which is bad
gothy-teen: right right ofc
gothy-teen: but isn't it true that lincoln didn't always say it was a war over slavery
space_alien: yeah but he was lying
space_alien: he said it was a fight to preserve the union and in that sense you're right lydia
space_alien: but it actually was a war over slavery which means that letting the south secede would have been a failure of justice
ronicaaa: damn janis when did you get all smart
space_alien: oh sorry this is cady with janis's phone
space_alien: mrs. norbury caught me texting and took mine away
ronicaaa: that makes a lot more sense
gothy-teen: ok ok cady those are good points BUT
gothy-teen: if the injustice was slavery and we wanted to make sure it was cancelled in the south and the north, why didn't we extend that policy toward literally every other slave country in the world???
literal_demon: i think that part is just because america is self-involved
theatre-nerd: did you just refer to the abolition of slavery as "cancelled"?
gothy-teen: yeah i forgot the word
literal_demon: i mean it kinda works
theatre-nerd: i... i guess
anythingbutwallflower: american history is literally the stupidest thing
anythingbutwallflower: it's just 200 years worth of white dudes arguing over other people's rights while simultaneously not bothering to care about what's going on anywhere else
macaroni: i mean we did participate in two world wars
macaroni: yeah fair
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:02 pm
yalikejazz?: omg y'all the most embarrassing thing just happened to me
yalikejazz?: i was on facetime and my bed just like gave out!! like it collapsed out from under me!!
space_alien: omg that's hilarious
yalikejazz?: no it was terrible!! my bed is broken!
calculust: like broken broken??
yalikejazz?: well the slat thingies fell off and i can't move the mattress by myself to put them back
calculust: you know you're supposed to nail those in right
yalikejazz?: there were no holes to nail them into!!
calculust: thats- THATS NOT HOW NAILS WORK
yalikejazz?: ugh i was trying to complain and y'all are making it difficult
space_alien: sorry sorry
space_alien: you had a traumatic embarrassing experience
calculust: who were you on the phone with
Alana_Beck: Me. It was quite funny
Alana_Beck: At least it was me and not Jared!!
kiNkY: that is very valid
kiNkY: cos i would have made fun of you
a-aron: omg no jared
a-aron: oh wait nvm
a-aron: i thought you were saying cos like cosine for a second
wannaride: in what context...
a-aron: idk brooke i just don't like math
kiNkY: also very valid
calculust: what trig is so easy
a-aron: oh shut up
a-aron: kindly be silent please
The Ultimate Groupchat, 11:11 pm
rainbow123: it's 11:11 guys make a wish!!
yalikejazz?: i wish i was asleep
rainbow123: don't say it!! it's not gonna come true now
yalikejazz?: i mean it wasn't gonna anyway
space_alien: what why
yalikejazz?: well i wished to be currently asleep and i am not currently asleep so
ronicaaa: guys my online purchase is informing me that it will arrive on time but it won't tell me when on time is
gothy-teen: upon which site was this purchase made??
ronicaaa: well it was an independent site rather than amazon so that's probably why
space_alien: veronica what did you buy
ronicaaa: why would you say that so accusingly!!
space_alien: well you kind of avoided answering what site you used
ronicaaa: i was simply pointing out that i did not contribute to jeff bezo's assholery
macaroni: she bought a box of hair dye from a sketchy website
yalikejazz?: uh oh why
space_alien: RONNIE ARE U GONNA DYE UR HAIR
ronicaaa: i was GOING to dye heather chandler's hair whilst she slept but now you've given that away
rainbow123: i mean
rainbow123: you didn't HAVE to tell us
ronicaaa: well it's too late now isn't it!!
yalikejazz?: yeah that seems like a you problem
chandelier: real mature veronica
space_alien: was this... provoked? or
ronicaaa: i mean no not really
ronicaaa: i just thought it would be funny
chandelier: well now i feel like i have to retaliate
ronicaaa: wait no i didn't do anything yet!!
chandelier: the 'yet' doesn't make me feel better
chandelier: it's proactive retaliation
chandelier: you'll never see it coming
ronicaaa: look what you've done guys
macaroni: you definitely did this to yourself sweetie
ronicaaa: i hate it here
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:10 pm
discoball: do y'all ever go to call a like freshman person a woman or a man and then just go hmm...
gothy-teen: ok there is SO much context needed here
discoball: ok there's this freshman taylor wedell at my school and i just went to say "oh i love that woman" but then i paused and was like hmm no the she/they is strong in that one
gothy-teen: that actually makes so much sense
discoball: RIGHT thank you
space_alien: "the she/they is strong in that one" pffft
calculust: i mean i think in any context it's weird to call a 14 year old girl a woman
discoball: nooo but like ironically
chandelier: i... what
discoball: guys it's a thing stop yelling at me
short but hopefully sort of sweet
i'm just so tired you guys
The Ultimate Groupchat, 9:33 pm
micheal_sMells: guessss whatttt
micheal_sMells: half my kitchen burnt down this morning!!
micheal_sMells: ik isnt it crazy
themeanone: hello kate here
themeanone: how the fuck did that happen
micheal_sMells: well there was an electrical fire outside that then caught a bag of rags soaked in like oil and stuff on fire
duck: why would there be a bag of rags soaked in oil??
micheal_sMells: idk man we just like hadn't gotten around to it
duck: GOTTEN AROUND TO WHAT
themeanone: where was this bag of rags
micheal_sMells: in the kitchen!!
duck: gotten around to WHAT tho
micheal_sMells: washing them
duck: right but why were they soaked in oil and in a bag
micheal_sMells: idk i wasn't at the house when it happened
themeanone: and how did the outside electrical fire catch a bag of rags if they were inside
themeanone: when did this happen
micheal_sMells: my stepsister was the only one there
micheal_sMells: and she didn't wake up
micheal_sMells: so a bunch of hikers had to call 911
whyamievenheere: WHY WEREN'T YOU HOME AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING
micheal_sMells: omg everyone calm down im in the process of moving so i have 2 houses rn
micheal_sMells: this happened at the new one
duck: ok well idk why you're acting like we should have already known this
micheal_sMells: well jeremy shouldve
whyamievenheere: i forgot
micheal_sMells: OMG AND THE BEST PART
micheal_sMells: my stepsister's friend just started a new job as FIRE FIGHTER
micheal_sMells: and GUESS WHERE HER FIRST SCENE WAS
captainoftheteam: omg that's so funny
micheal_sMells: ikr isn't that the best story ever
lesbean: idk there's quite a few plot holes
whyamievenheere: and you are down a kitchen now
micheal_sMells: minor details
micheal_sMells: and i didn't know all the plot details!!
micheal_sMells: i'm so sorry
duck: you should be
micheal_sMells: well all i know is that my mother came bursting in yelling
micheal_sMells: "THE HOUSE HAS CAUGHT FIRE"
captainoftheteam: that seems unnecessarily dramatic
micheal_sMells: it 'twas
lesbean: you're not using twas correctly
micheal_sMells: twasn't trying to
themeanone: oh fuck off doug judy
ik the plot hole comment makes it sound like i made this up but this happened to my friend fr i'm living fiction
tw violence mention
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:13 pm
Tree_Boy: so last night at like 9pm i was just like chilling watching tv with my mom right
Tree_Boy: and we started hearing police sirens like downtown
Tree_Boy: but they just kept going!! and then eventually my mom was like "hmm they seem to be turning down our street" and then all of a sudden they were RIGHT THE FUCK THERE and driving RIGHT PAST OUR HOUSE
Tree_Boy: so we went outside to see what's going on and there were two ambulances and two cop cars like less than a full block away!! but it was over a hill so we couldn't quite see what was going on
Tree_Boy: and then today i was reading the latest police reports and there was one about a STABBING
alyssa_greeene: OMG THERE WAS A STABBER AT UR HOUSE
Tree_Boy: well no actually apparently it was just a house fire
Tree_Boy: but i thought there was!!!
alyssa_greeene: aw darn
lesbean: darn??? that there wasn't a stabber at his house???
chandelier: love that we've all just accepted stabber as a real word
duck: and that "less than a block away" equals at his house
alyssa_greeene: i mean close enough
checkers: i'm sorry i'm still hung up on the fact that there was a stabber
clarky-boy: i mean surely you're familiar with the concept of stabbing by now chess
checkers: shut up dead boy!
clarky-boy: you're literally dead too!!
Tree_Boy: oh the stabby guy isn't dead
duck: well obviously the guy with the knife is fine
Tree_Boy: noo that's the stabber. stabby guy is victim
duck: oh right obviously continue
Tree_Boy: stabby guy was taken home in an ambulance after some dude leaving a fancy restaurant called the cops
chandelier: oh no poor dude
Tree_Boy: ikr apparently he just walked out and there was some guy bleeding in the street
Tree_Boy: his wife walked out thirty seconds later and found him kneeling in a pool of random dude's blood
duck: OH NO
duck: imagine you leave your husband alone for thirty seconds and he's just immediately covered in blood
Horse_Gorl: happened to me
clarky-boy: technically i wasn't your husband
Horse_Gorl: same difference
it's been a minute whoops
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:40 pm
yalikejazz?: hot girl summer bleep bloop
yalikejazz?: what's everyone up to
lesbean: i've decided to read all of jane austen's books this summer
yalikejazz?: ew that sounds horrible
lesbean: what why??
yalikejazz?: that's so boring!!!!
space_alien: you're so boring!!!
space_alien: she's right though
lesbean: what's wrong with jane austen
space_alien: nothing it just makes my brain hurt
alyssa_greeene: em didn't we have to read some of those for school anyway
lesbean: yeah but i... didn't
lesbean: so i'm making up for it now
alyssa_greeene: ah yes naturally
calculust: it seems counter productive to read the books after you've already failed the class
lesbean: no one said i failed!!
yalikejazz?: ...did you
lesbean: i plead the fifth
alysaa:greeene: she did
alyssa_greeene: sorry it seemed relevant
lesbean: well for the record you're wrong
lesbean: i got a d+
lesbean: NO SUMMER SCHOOL FOR MEEEE
alyssa_greeene: not the takeaway i was hoping for
space_alien: i mean considering her reading list i think her brain is gonna be just fine
lesbean: FUCK YEAH
alyssa_greeene: there's no way she's gonna make it through more than two chapters
lesbean: it's the thought that counts
calculust: but does it though
lesbean: oh my god just let me have this
hey y'all i'm back!! sorry my upload schedule has been a chaotic disaster lately, summer has been kicking my ass lol
The Ultimate Groupchat, 4:33 pm
gothy-teen: guys settle a debate
Massive_Deal: Uh oh
gothy-teen: what would the plural of starbucks be
discoball: uh i think it's just starbucks
macaroni: yeah or starbuckses since its a proper noun
gothy-teen: noooo there is only one correct answer and it is starbi
lesbean: oh that is more fun
gothy-teen: HA IN YOUR FACE BEETLEJUICE
literal_demon: i'm not saying its not fun i'm just saying it's wrong
gothy-teen: well that was never part of the discussion
Massive_Deal: Um I feel like that's a very important factor
macaroni: yeah lydia i gotta say you're the wrong one
gothy-teen: yeah but i'm also the funny one
lesbean: she's not wrong
literal_demon: no but she is tho that's the whole point
lesbean: i meant about the funny part
literal_demon: she's also not that funny
gothy-teen: starbi is just funner
macaroni: not a word, neither of those are words
gothy-teen: shut UP mac
gothy-teen: sorry sorry
Massive_Deal: When I heard starbi I don't think of Starbucks
ronicaaa: OMG GUYS AM I THE STAR BI
space_alien: no offense ronnie but there are like twelve bisexuals in this chat and you are certainly not the best one
ronicaaa: YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD JANIS
calculust: am i the star bi janis
ronicaaa: i am shocked and offended
space_alien: you can be a star bi too
calculust: hang on there can't be two i wanna be special
space_alien: is there a way for me to win this interaction
The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:51 pm
alyssa_greeene: I LITERALLY JUST HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
micheal_sMells: omg tell us everything
alyssa_greeene: i was at the tennis club taking a shower but when i got in the floor was so slippery that i slipped and went flying and landed on my back!! ya know how like in cartoons when people fall and their feet go flying over their head??? that litterally happened and to top it all off there was this old lady there the whole time who saw everything!!! it was so painful and embarassing omfg
yalikejazz?: BAHAHA that's literally the funniest thing ever
Alana_Beck: Oh my goodness are you okay?
alyssa_greeene: physically yes
alyssa_greeene: mentally no
idiot: i love how zoe's reaction was mean laughter and then alana is like an actual good friend
yalikejazz?: oh fuck off she said she's fine
idiot: what if she wasn't tho
yalikejazz?: well then i wouldn't have laughed!!!
idiot: but you didn't know she was ok when you said that
yalikejazz?: well if she wasn't ok she probably wouldn't have typed it out in a groupchat with like 70 people
calculust: maybe we let alyssa speak for herself??
alyssa_greeene: no no i want to see who wins
micheal_sMells: i'm sorry i feel like we're really blowing past the fact that she was at the TENNIS club?? who the fuck goes to the tennis club???
alyssa_greeene: i do what's not clicking
micheal_sMells: i'm not crazy guys that's funny right
idiot: i mean it is sort of an old person thing
alyssa_greeene: i like tennis guys!!!
idiot: yeah but. it's an old person thing
lesbean: you're only saying that bc you haven't seen her in a tennis skirt
idiot: emma i literally have a boyfriend
lesbean: i'm just saying
alyssa_greeene: babe don't do this rn please
space_alien: GUYS EVERYONE SHUT UP I JUST LEARNED SOMETHING CRAZY
lesbean: oh my god that was so jarring
space_alien: IN SOME CARS U CAN START THE ENGINE BEFORE U EVEN GET IN THE CAR LIKE IT'S A BUTTON ON THE KEYS
idiot: oh my dad's car does that
toogaytofunction: honey i think that's pretty common knowledge
space_alien: i just learned this today!!
space_alien: do a lot of cars do this????
calculust: yeah i think so
calculust: how did you find this out
space_alien: i saw it on tv
calculust: ah yes of course you did
space_alien: my mind is literally blown guys
lesbean: idk how you managed to not know that
space_alien: well my mom's car is like ancient
lesbean: not that i think about it tho it is sort of weird
lesbean: like couldn't someone just come steal it while you're still inside??
alyssa_greeene: well it doesn't UNLOCK it that would just be stupid
lesbean: well idk!!
lesbean: i feel like it doesn't take that long to just walk over and start it
calculust: right but like the point is to start the AC or something while you're still getting ready
calculust: like when it's winter and the windshield is frosted over? you don't have to wait
lesbean: idkkk it seems unnecessary
space_alien: all the coolest things in life are unnecessary
calculust: i... ok, janis
The Ultimate Groupchat, 3:43pm
duck: um hello
bicon: bestie are you good
literal_demon: she's drunk
macaroni: how did that happen??
chandelier: well heather i imagine she drank alcohol
macaroni: ok heather you know what
macaroni: idk but when i figure it out...
bicon: are you having fun lydia
gothy-teen: hey i just invveted a wored
macaroni: was that not just a typo
gothy-teen: thats not rlelevent
gothy-teen: but its like a conamaof
gothy-teen: betwen yes and yeah
bicon: respectfully, no it's not
gothy-teen: yesh huh
macaroni: do i understand what she means? yes. do i agree? not even slightly
gothy-teen: you gusy aere mean
literal_demon: lydia go to sleep
gothy-teen: its not efen four pm
literal_demon: eh worth a shot
literal_demon: lydia go make me a sandwich
gothy-teen: idk how eo meake a sandwich
literal_demon: you- what
literal_demon: but you just said you weren't going to sleep!!
gothy-teen: i can change me mind!!
duck: me mind sksljaklap
hey it's been a minute. i'm only a little bit sorry
tw death mention. like. a lot.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
The Ultimate Groupchat, 10:51 pm
theatre-nerd: guys i think my mom just met the protagonist of either a thriller novel or a quirky YA romcom
lesbean: omg tell us everything
theatre-nerd: ok so this woman, according to my mother, is “very normal-seeming”
theatre-nerd: not only works in a morgue
theatre-nerd: she lives
theatre-nerd: the morgue
theatre-nerd: in the apartment above where the dead bodies are kept you guys
theatre-nerd: she lives there
theatre-nerd: rent free as long as she helps prepare the bodies
theatre-nerd: but she’s a perfectly normal-seeming woman apparently
theatre-nerd: who goes to pole dancing class with my mother on wednesdays
theatre-nerd: what is even happening
lesbean: you're kidding
theatre-nerd: i am not
literal_demon: that is the most made-up shit i've ever heard
gothy-teen: beetlejuice you're an immortal demon man
literal_demon: yeah but i don't live next to dead bodies i'm not a psychopath
lesbean: i mean idk it seems like a decent enough set up
literal_demon: dead!! bodies!!
lesbean: but free rent tho!!
literal_demon: jesus christ capitalism really does ruin everyone's perspectives huh
lesbean: it does indeed
space_alien: i could kinda vibe with it too
literal_demon: good lord you guys are scary
gothy-teen: again. bj. demon from hell. is what you are.
literal_demon: this is WEIRD tho lydia
gothy-teen: it's not THAT weird like. the morgue is a business. people live above businesses all the time
literal_demon: DEAD BODIES
gothy-teen: OH GROW UP
theatre-nerd: i am oddly comfortable with the atmosphere i've created here tonight
literal_demon: great so you're a psycho too
alyssa_greeene: hang on hang on can we back up to the part where christine's mom goes to pole dancing class? because
lesbean: yeahhh i was gonna say
space_alien: "perfectly normal woman who goes to pole dancing class" oxymoron sorry had to be said
theatre-nerd: idk what to tell you guys it's the truth
gothy-teen: honestly i think that's the best part of this whole thing
gothy-teen: like woman lives in a morgue. sure. we expect some weird cranky old lady. but woman goes to pole dancing class?? this is fascinating. we are intrigued. why does a young stripper lady live in a morgue??
theatre-nerd: i didn't say she was a stripper and i didn't say she was young
theatre-nerd: she's not a stripper
gothy-teen: how old is she
gothy-teen: SEEEE this is great i want this to become a book
theatre-nerd: you should write it then
gothy-teen: oh fuck no i'm far too lazy. thanks tho
theatre-nerd: i don't know what other response i could possibly have expected
this is Real btw. like. my mom knows someone who lives in a morgue. i think it's weird. let me know what you think
ayo i'm backkk
The Ultimate Groupchat, 5:29 pm
lesbean: guys HELP what's a good symbol to represent ignorance
chandelier: your face
lesbean: mature of you
lesbean: i have to make a thingy for school
alyssa_greeene: oh yeah mine was irony
lesbean: what did you do for it???
alyssa_greeene: i drew trees!!
alyssa_greeene: get it??
alyssa_greeene: cuz i drew it on paper?? and it's trees??
lesbean: ohhh that's good
space_alien: i still don't get it
chandelier: janis. where does paper come from??
chandelier: and we wait...
space_alien: OH I GET IT
space_alien: very good alyssa 10/10
lesbean: GUYS back to my problem
lesbean: should i do sheep??
chandelier: oh my god someone help her
lesbean: like cuz sheep means like someone who follows blindly right?? ignorance??
space_alien: ohhhh yes good 10/10
lesbean: i think it would make me feel better if i got confirmation from someone other than janis
chandelier: yes its good emma
lesbean: yayyy lyssa will you draw it for me
alyssa_greeene: what why
lesbean: cuz idk how to draw sheep
alyssa_greeene: it's a cloud with legs
alyssa_greeene: you can manage
lesbean: and a head!!!
alyssa_greeene: you can draw dogs tho!! the head is basically the same
lesbean: you better be right about that
space_alien: she's definitely not
alyssa_greeene: janis shut up i don't wanna have to do extra homework
alyssa_greeene: teeheee love you
lesbean: good lord
lesbean: i love you too