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Childe Throws Zhongli a Birthday Party but It's Not His Birthday

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“Hey Zhongli, for your birthday I’m going to throw this crab out the window for you,” said Childe, throwing an entire toddler dressed in a crab costume out the window.

“Mmm, hot,” said Zhongli, taking off his shirt, revealing another shirt. “I hate seafood. You have pleased me.”

They made out passionately and aggressively. Meanwhile, the toddler in question, Klee, started crying because she was dressed as a lobster, not a crab. Childe was too dumb to tell the difference, but that was okay, because he was Childe, and Childe being Childe excused him from doing anything wrong.

“I’m going to throw you a surprise birthday party,” said Childe.

“Wow, I love surprises. I wonder what the surprise is,” said Zhongli.

“Me too,” said Childe, who was an idiot.

Childe proceeded to invite all of their friends over for the surprise birthday party. They all gathered in a generic mansion somewhere.

“Happy birthday!” said everyone as Zhongli entered the room.

“I can’t believe you got everyone I love in the same room,” Zhongli said toward Childe, tearing up a little as he scanned the crowd. “Even Scaramouche, the little shit.”

Scaramouche smiled, as he was a little shit.

“Well then, let’s start doing birthday stuff,” said Childe, handing Zhongli an entire donkey’s ass. “It’s time to pin the ass on the ass.”

“Oh boy, I love asses. This is why I’m so in love with you,” said Zhongli, staring romantically into Childe’s murderous eyes.

Zhongli, despite hating shrimp, successfully pinned the ass on the ass.

After playing a few party games, everyone dispersed to enjoy the party at their own leisure. The star of the night was the tropical fruit punch. Because it was non-alcoholic, the many toddlers in the room could drink it.

“This is a nice party,” said the Dream Daddy representative, also known as Kaeya. “I’m gonna go look for hot singles in my area.”

Kaeya proceeded to look for hot singles in his area.

“Hey Mom, I’m Dad,” he said, approaching the Mom Friend™, Lisa.

“Hey Dad, I’m about to kick you in between the legs if you don’t stop harassing me,” said Lisa with a brilliant smile.

“Hey I’m about to kick you in between the legs if you don’t stop harassing me, I’m hot,” said Kaeya, who was hot. Lisa kicked him in between the legs and left. Scaramouche, who had been waiting in the garbage bin for someone to embarrass themselves so that he could laugh at them, rushed over to Kaeya and laughed at him.

“Lmao,” said Scaramouche, dabbing.

Meanwhile, edgelord Diluc and depressed ballerina Fischl were together in a corner being depressing.

“When will we be free?” sighed Fischl dramatically, in a dramatic way. “This, too, is but a mechanism of fate. Long have I toiled against the demands of providence. But how can we even hope to endeavor against what has already been preordained? To live, to die, to smile, to cry—meaningless, all of it, for in the end we are but dust caught in the apex of something greater, phantoms wailing against the machinations of permanence.”

“What,” said Diluc, who was just trying to enjoy his fruit punch.

“Life sucks,” said Fischl.

“Oh yeah. Want a grape?”

He gave her a grape, which made her a little less depressed. Because Diluc was such a good boy, he went around giving grapes to other people after that to cheer them up a little too. Diluc’s grapes made everyone happy. That was, everyone except Scaramouche, who was allergic to grapes. But nobody cared about making him happy anyway, so it was fine.

Elsewhere, Mona and Xiangling were busy being gay, not necessarily for each other, but just being gay in general. It was great, because the raw energy they generated just by being lesbians in the same vicinity was so overwhelming that they were able to power a small city for an entire week. The mayor of that city thanked them for their service and handed them a code for 1,000,000 primogems, which they stored away to roll for Zhongli later.

Speaking of Zhongli, he and his idiot boyfriend Chili were walking down the hall romantically, talking about romantic things.

“There’s a sale on beef right now at the local grocery store,” said Chile.

“Oh my god,” said Zhongli, who began to break down and cry like a prepubescent girl after meeting a Korean pop idol. “Oh my god.”

Chilly patted his boyfriend’s back. “I know. This is poggers champ, yolo.”

Zhongli didn’t know what that meant, but he also didn’t know what a lawnmower was either, which was to be expected from someone who didn’t like shrimp.

Just then, everything took a turn for the worst.

“GASP!” gasped Chilling. “Behold! Over yonder, there lies a chair.”

Sure enough, there was an entire chair over yonder—not half a chair, or just a leg of a chair, but the entire goddamn thing.

“How could this be?!” cried Zhongli. “I thought I told the maids to remove all sittable objects!”

Noelle, the only maid in existence, shied away in shame.

Zhongli grabbed Chicken’s hand, knowing what always happened whenever he encountered a chair. “Don’t you dare,” he warned.

“Let me go, Zhongli,” Chingling said.

“I won’t. Don’t make me remove the ‘e’ from your name and call you ‘Child,’ Childe.”

Cheeseburger turned his head slowly over his shoulder, eyes dark with a low-seated ire.

“Bold of you to assume you’ve been pronouncing my name right this entire time.”

Now it was Zhongli’s turn to gasp.

“GASP!” he gasped. In his shock, he let go of Chinchilla’s hand.

“Forgive me!” Chirpy said as he broke away. “It must be done! I cannot resist my natural urges any longer!”

“No, Childe! No!”

But Chimney did not listen. He made a mad sprint for the chair, despite his boyfriend’s protests. And so, to Zhongli’s horror, he sat down and began to spread his legs.

“You better not!” warned Zhongli again. “I swear I’ll use my ungodly amounts of money to develop a perfume that smells exactly like Scaramouche’s farts and then dump it all over you if you do!”

“I’m sorry,” Childe said. And those were the last words to leave his mouth. Childe proceeded to manspread so wide the entire country of Canada could fit between his thighs. The manspread was so powerful that every gay person in the world became even more gay, like sixteen more gay. Sixteen was more than fifteen.

Diona, who had been spying on them from the corner, let out a little “nya”—not because she liked watching people manspread or anything but because she thought it would be a funny time to nya. She then nya’d her way back to the dining hall, where she proceeded to dump two liters of poison into the fruit punch.

Luckily, everyone liked Diluc’s grapes so much that they had stopped drinking the punch entirely—all except for one person. Qiqi, the unfortunate soul, took another sip of the punch after it’d been spiked. It just killed her again, so now she was double dead. The others started calling her Double D for short.

“Hello my fellow toddler, Double D,” said the polar bear toddler, Paimon. “How are you on this fine day?”

“Dead,” replied Double D.

Everyone laughed, because that was the funniest joke in the world. Traveler (Boy) and Traveler (Girl) were inspired by the toddlers’ conversation and decided to strike up a similar one on their own.

“Hello my sibling, Traveler (Girl),” said Traveler (Boy), rubbing his ass with a ruler.

“Hello my sibling, Traveler (Boy),” replied Traveler (Girl), looking at Traveler (Boy) with apparent concern. “Why in heaven’s name are you rubbing your ass with a ruler?”

“I’m itchy,” Traveler (Boy) said.

“That’s not good. Did Razor give you fleas?”

Razor growled at them but later decided that he didn’t care, so he turned away and started to monologue about meat to the bowl of poisoned fruit punch.

“Oh no, I’m late for school!” said Barbara, grabbing an entire roast chicken from the party table and rushing out the door with it in her teeth.

“It’s 8:00 at night on a Saturday,” said Jean.

“Oh no, I’m late for being early to school two days from now!” said Barbara, who was somehow still able to talk despite having an entire roast chicken in her mouth. “I gotta go! Any day could be the start of my next rom-com shoujo manga!”

Barbara left, and Jean shrugged so loudly that Venti decided to write a song about it.

“Please listen, everyone!” said Venti, gathering everyone back in the dining hall. “I call this one ‘Jean Shrugged’!”

Jean shrugged,

My iPhone got unplugged,

Yesterday, I got mugged,

The fruit punch is drugged,

Please don’t drink the fruit punch,

You will die.

Everyone clapped because it was the best song they’d ever heard. In fact, Sucrose started crying because she thought it was just so sweet, and Xiao was so inspired that he jumped on one of the tables and began an impromptu mating dance. His inner peacock instincts were so strong that he was at it for 10 hours.

While everyone was distracted, Amber stole all of the tiny wieners at the party, wrapped them in bubble wrap, and cast some funky bunny magic to fuse them all together.

“Look, everyone!” she said, waving her hands wildly. “My greatest creation! I made a giant tiny wiener!”

It was, in fact, a giant tiny wiener. Because everyone was so impressed, they clapped again. Chongyun wasn’t impressed though, so he just punched it, causing it to explode into a million tiny wieners.

“No! My giant tiny wiener!” cried Amber. “You’ve reverted them to their original forms!”

“There’s a lot more tiny wieners here than before,” noted Ningguang from upon her throne of lesbian simps. “You’ve broken the law of equivalent exchange.”

Chongyun came to realize this great new power he’d unlocked, the power to turn a single giant tiny wiener to a million tiny tiny wieners. So too did Amber, who quickly understood the implications of such a discovery. Putting their differences aside, they teamed up and proceeded to end world hunger, but only for 12 minutes. That was because Zhongli had suddenly taken the stage just then. He was the birthday boy, so everyone was required to listen to his 4-hour speech about Pokemon cards.

“And here’s my original print Charizard,” he said, flipping to the next PowerPoint slide, which displayed a low-res picture of a beaver. “It’s so expensive, I had to sell my 36th bank for it. It’s worth as much as Childe’s soul.”

“I don’t have a soul,” said Childe, kicking a toddler. Klee, the toddler, was not amused. She threw a grenade in Childe’s face. He died, but because he was a video game character, he came back to life instantly. Of course, that rule didn’t apply to Double D, whose hobby was dying. She liked dying so much, in fact, that she once again drank the poisoned fruit punch, effectively killing her again and changing her name to Triple D.

“HEY SORRY I’M LATE TO THE PARTY,” said Bennet in a calm voice, bursting through the doors with the force of a thousand horny goats. “I HOPE EVERYONE HAS BEEN DOING THEIR BEST. GANBATTE KUDASAI!”

“Why were you late?” asked Keqing, who had recently murdered Scaramouche and was now trying to hide the body.

“I FORGOT HOW MANY ‘T’S WERE IN MY NAME,” answered Bennett.

“Oh, I see,” Keqing said, shoving Scaramouche into a fruit blender and turning it on. “Hey, I made Scare-A-Moose smoothies. Want one?”

“SURE!” said Bennettt.

The smoothie was terrible, but because Keqing tried her best, Bennetttt loved it anyway.

“THANKS!” said Bennettttt, giving her four thumbs up. “I’M GONNA GO FIGURE OUT HOW MANY ‘T’S ARE IN MY NAME NOW. BYE!”

He ganbatte kudasai’d himself out the window. Everyone clapped.

Kaeya had recovered from getting kicked by Lisa and was once again searching for hot singles in his area. He spotted Xiao still performing his elaborate peacock mating dance on the party table and decided that he was The One. Xiao was finally able to stop dancing. He had found a mate at last. They got married right then and there at Zhongli’s birthday party, then took off into the sunset to eat corn.

Xingqiu was minding his own business in a corner when he was approached by Zhongli and Childe.

“It is time,” said Childe, pulling a water gun out of his pants.

“Time for what?”

“It is time,” said Zhongli, pulling his own water gun from his pants.

Xingqiu tried to get the attention of the others. “Help.”

“I like robbing banks,” said Childe.

“I’m the bank,” said Zhongli.

“Why did I come,” said Xingqiu, regretting every decision he’d ever made in his life. Childe and Zhongli squirted a bunch of water into his face with the water guns, which got him really wet.

“Now you are wet, like the seafood you like eating so much,” said Zhongli.

“Is that it? You came after me because I can eat shrimp without crying?”

“This isn’t just about shrimp! It’s the principle of the matter!” snapped Childe as he put an arm around Zhongli, who had begun to cry at Xingqiu’s harsh remark.

Just then, Beidou showed up, and the sheer power of her presence caused the entire dining hall to explode forty times. She proceeded to drink all of the alcohol and punch every man in the face so hard that they turned into mice, including Scaramouche, who had been a fruit smoothie at the time.

“What a mice party,” said Kaeya, scurrying up to his new husband, Xiao. “Get it? Like, a nice party, but with mice.”

“Haha,” said Xiao, who didn’t get it.

Beidou un-poisoned the fruit punch, stole all of Zhongli’s money, then left. And so the day was saved by hot giant sword pirate lady Baedou. Everyone was happy, except for all the men, who were still mice—and especially Zhongli, who was wanted in 32 countries for tax fraud.