Ren’s was excited for this Halloween. They didn’t used to celebrate that much in Leith but the last parties over the years were awful and she always ended in some dirty van with a guy’s hand all under her costume.
This year, Si would come over and they would watch a movie called Possum, get high as fuck and eventually make out with the excuse of being high as hell. After that they would dance and sing to some favorites and finally, they would crash on the mattress by the floor.
Ren loved the plan, trying to make herself feel less excited about the making-out part, because it would become too obvious that her girl crush was being more than just a simple hormonal teenager experiment. They were seventeen, and all the guys they had met were disappointing.
Ren put the popcorn in the middle of the table and went to open the door with a huge smile on his face that disappeared as soon as she saw Si’ dressed like a devil and holding an angel costume from a hanger.
-I fucking hate you Si- Renton said when she walked out of the bathroom dressed as an angel, as slutty one.
-C’moooooooon, what was your plan? Just stay here and watch that cult movie that Colin recommended you and then sleep?
‘’And kissing you’’ Renton wanted to say back. But instead she just said:
‘’Yeah, that was exactly our plan you dumb cunt. I even confirmed it to you this time in literature class’’ she said while looking herself at the mirror from all angles and also watching how Si’ was looking at her with some kind of thirst on her eyes.
‘’I never remember what anyone tells me on school, besides you look hot as fuck Rens its time for you to catch up on some dick don’t you think?’’
‘’You can’t even say ‘’thank you’’ you are so rude sometimes seriously’’ Si told her while she brushed Ren’s long ginger hair. Nobody would have believed that she would shave her head one day.
‘’Thank you for making me go to a party that I didn’t want to go’’ Ren remarked the sarcasm.
‘’Fuck its true that ginger’s have no soul, anyway, let me paint your lips and we are good to go’’
The way down to the party from where the bus had left them was full of rocks and cracks, their high heeled knee boots didn’t help a lot, they were holding hands trying not to fall and cracking a laugh every time one of their heels got stuck in the cracks.
There were so many people at the party, just outside on the front yard were hanging like six persons, when they walked by their side they saw how they were cooking skagg right there on the grass.
‘’Shit’’ Si said. ‘’Don’t you get curious about how skagg feels?’’
‘’I don’t know, its whatever’’
Si nodded, pensive. The music and the lights of the house going closer, louder, and stronger. They held hands before entering, they always did that, Ren knew that one of the reasons why people looked at her it was for Si. Because she was the best friend of the most amazing person in that awful boring town. That didn’t matter to her, it wasn’t a sad ‘’my best friend casts a shadow over me and nobody wants me’’ kind of story at all.
Ren knew she was pretty, with her (sometimes overlooked as extreme) skinny body and small breasts, her dancing hips and long red hair. Guys wanted her. She didn’t want them back, that was another story.
The party was a much better one than the last ones they had go over the years.
Ren hated high heels, she sat down as much times as she could before Si dragged her again to the dance floor ‘’I love this song this is my favorite song in the world!’’ she said about almost every damn song, clearly drunk by now.
‘’I LOVE YOU SI BUT YOU ARE KILLING MY FUCKING FEET’’ Ren yelled over the music, brain sluggish from the whiskey’’
‘’WHAT DID YOU SAID?’’ Si screamed back, suddenly holding Ren’s hips with such strength towards her, Si smiled with cockiness and fake blood dropping from her lips in a way that made Ren’s ashamed of the thoughts that now ran through her head at miles per hour.
‘’I SAID TH…’’ Ren couldn’t stop looking at Si’s bloody lips, she was getting closer and like a bad joke her ankle sprained, and she fell to the cold sticky floor. Fucking high heels.
Si took her arm around her shoulders and dragged her to a couch.
‘’Let me see, it’s probably nothing’’ she said as she took off the boot. The ankle was swallow and red.
‘’Do you want to leave? We can leave right now’’ Si told her, in a weird new gesture of kindness, Ren said she would only stay seated there and they would leave in an hour.
‘’I love you’’ Si said, kissing her cheek before going back to get lost in the multitude.
Ren had been sitting for half an hour, talking with Spud. That guy was a fucking character, he made her laugh and ask if he seriously believed in all the shit he said. It was a nice guy, a truly nice guy, he had some issues with the skagg and every time they saw each other at a party he was either on recovery or relapsing. This particular time it was the second.
Si was right in front of them, dancing between two tall blonde guys, she smiled at Ren who only then noticed that she had been staring at Si’s whole-body movements for almost five minutes. Her cheeks turned red and she chugged from Spud’s bottle.
Another half hour later she was impatient for leaving, she could walk perfectly and her ankle didn’t hurt but she pretended it did so her and Si could leave, but right before she could tell her to make the run, Si convinced her to play seven minutes in heaven with a group of London guys that were staying there the weekend.
‘’I fucking hate you I swear to God’’ she told her and gave her a look that tried to look intimidating but only caused Si to chuckle and kiss her forehead.
‘’You are fucking sweet Rents, c’mon this is going to cheer you up’’
They sat in front of each other and the game begin, the usual boring enthusiasm of fucking someone in seven minutes. Ren couldn’t help to pray to the God she didn’t believe in for her to not participate in the dynamic, that by some sweet luck the game ended before she had to pretend to enjoy the kisses of one of those guys. Si hadn’t participated either, she looked quite bored, often looking towards Ren’s direction and smiling expectantly. Ren couldn’t believe how a girl like Si could be excited to make out with guys like the one’s they were with.
For her the most normal thing in the world it was feeling that no guy deserved her best friend, it was simple math.
The bottle rolled on the floor one more time, and it pointed to her and Si.
All the guys cheered, saying how finally they would see some girl on girl action, Si telling them to shut the fuck up because they would be in the closet so no one would see. But the thing that had Ren frozen in her place was the excitement on Si’s eyes, she wasn’t even drunk or high. The rule had always been to kiss each other while being drunk or high.
She stood up and hold her hand out for Ren to get up, smiling like a kid who just got her favorite toy.
Ren followed her, while they closed the closet door and drowned away all the sounds of the guys begging to let them see.
The silence inside was tense and weird. Si turned on the light by the bulb hanging over their heads, her smile now was evil, cocky, beautiful.
‘’You are literally the devil’’ Ren told her.
‘’I know…so… what do you want to do these seven minutes in heaven with the devil?’’
‘’You are not serious right?’’
‘’What about it? it’s just a game Ren c’mon’’
‘’I thought you wanted to fuck one of the London guys outside’’
‘’And what if I wanted?’’
‘’Yeah, what if I want to fuck them. Would that make you jealous?’’
She was now closer to her face, looking straight to her eyes and licking her lips when Ren visibly gulped. She loves to make her feel cornered.
‘’Si quit the bullshit I want to go home’’
‘’C’mon Rent’s don’t be such a whiny bitch’’ she put an arm besides her between the door and Ren’s.
‘’What the fuck do you want then?’’
‘’For you to admit it’’
‘’Don’t play silly Ren’s it doesn’t suit you’’
‘’I’m not, fuck, I’m not your fucking mind reader’’
‘’You are but its fine, I would explain it to you’’ she cleared her throat dramatically ‘’We going to play seven questions in heaven, since you don’t want to kiss me tonight’’
‘’I do w-‘’
‘’Rule number one, you don’t lie. Whatever it is, you don’t lie and I will know if you are lying Renton. I will know’’
Ren finally gave up, it was better to finish whatever has gotten into Si’s mind.
‘’Good. Seven questions, no lies.’’
‘’Do you get jealous when you see me with other people? When I tell you that I sleep with whoever’’
Silence. Then Ren just shrugged and nodded.
‘’Do you like men?’’
‘’Do you like me?’’
Surprisingly the words came out so easily and she didn’t felt like being judged or played. She felt like she could breath out all those thoughts and emotions that have been haunting her for years.
‘’Did I ever hurt you?’’
‘’Are you in love with me?’’
Silence. That was crossing a line. She didn’t feel ready to tell her sometime that she hadn’t even admitted to herself.
‘’I don’t know’’
‘’If I were to try skagg would you try it with me?’’
‘’I don’t know. Maybe. Probably. Yes’’
‘’Would you ever betray me?’’
It was the last question.
‘’There’s no way to know that’’
‘’What the fuck Rens? That’s the worst answer ever’’
‘’Why? It would be better to tell you that im going to betray you someday?’’
‘’Yes. At least I’m mentally prepared. ‘’There’s no way to know that’’ bullshit’’ she mocks her.
‘’I’m sorry then, jesus’’
‘’Only for that im not gonna kiss you tonight’’
A masculine voice told them that their time was over and they came out of the closet, Ren more literally than ever now that she had told Si that she was a lesbian.
The party continued smoothly, they ended drunk as shit, screaming instead of talking, crying instead of laughing.
On their way home, with the diming lights of the sunrise washing them over, Ren felt anxious because no one was speaking and Si looked upset, if she didn’t knew her she would think that she looked sad.
Thankfully, it was Si that broke the silence.
‘’Would you really try heroin?’’
‘’Maybe, I don’t know. The effects seem appealing to me. To kind of shut down the routine for a few hours, just pure bliss. But I would be careful tho, don’t want to be a junkie or anything like that you know?
‘’Would you really try it?’’ Ren asked but her question was never answered, Si didn’t talked the rest of the walk, and she didn’t heard her voice until they were both in bed with their pajamas one, face to face.
‘’It annoys me’’ she said out of the blue.
‘’It annoys me that when I asked you if you would betray me you say that there’s no way to know that’’
‘’I didn’t mean it Si-‘’
‘’No, you did. And its fine. You are going to betray me one day, but we’ll be alright innit?’’
‘’I’m not going to betray you’’
The air in her room was cold, and they were holding each other’s pinky fingers, just like they did when they were kids and they made a promise that would be forgotten by the next day.
Si looked sad, tired, none of that endless turmoil of energy and all smiles that she was just a few hours before. She looked defeated, she had started to look like that at sixteen, it wasn’t just the physical appearance, it was just a sad shadow that she held on her shoulders wherever she went but only Ren knew how to perceive it. Ren didn’t know that Si was the only one who perceived the same from her. They both had tragedy in their veins, since always, even when skagg was just a talk, when it was just a ‘’maybe’’
‘’I’m not going to betray you’’ Ren said firmly and kissed her pinky finger, sealing the promise just like when they were kids.
Si smiled sadly and gave her a tender kiss on her lips.
‘’Night Ren’s’’ she said before turning around.
Ren couldn’t sleep, not with how Si had said ‘’you are going to betray me one day, but we’’ll be alright innit?’’ like a fact stated, like something that was already done. And maybe it was. Maybe the drugs and the dirt and the loss and the shit was already done and there was nothing that they could do to avoid bad things to happen. Ren had a deep feeling on her bones that something bad will happen, not only to them but to the people around. Ren knew that eventually she would have to leave that shitty town and look for a better life, a better promise. Something inside of her told her that Si wasn’t going to be part of that plan. That they wouldn’t get out together.
She brushed off all those bad thoughts and put an arm around Si’s waist, she held her hand, it was cold and soft. Maybe Si was right, maybe some shit would go down in the years to come, but at the end of it all they would be alright. At least, she hopes so.