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cryptids fuck shit up

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It was august 27th, the day of reckoning. A group of friends were sitting in their houses chatting over microsoft teams because it was the middle of a global pandemic.lets call their group :”the cryptids.” 


“OUUUUUUUHHHH AUUUUUUUHHH UHHHHH AAAAAUH” said Fallon, the most cryptid and anarcho-swaggiest of them all. It was no wonder why they managed to be the 1st one to be dicked down by one of our glorious, capitalist founding fuckers. One of the many facts lesser known by the general American public is that the founding fathers like to get:

  1. Fucked
  2. Fucked up.

Alex: i have big strap, give me attention! My tiddes are very large and i want everyone to know. Also i own an incredible account on ao3 called CutMyHair which has very popular jojo fanfiction mwah. 

Kcas piped up with their typical sarcastic sensibility. “Everyone shut up I dont want to see your boobs Alex, glorious they may be”(txt me grurl ;))))). They flipped their bangs out of their hair and put their chunky black headphones on, MCR audible thru them(omgg gerard way step on meeee) 


Alex looked at her friends longingly and with feeling. They were all so hot and she wanted to sex them immediately. She looked at her friend and coworker lily and stared at her boobs with obvious lust. Lily stared back. Suddenly, every1s clothes were offand they tried to sex through the screen but b4 they could s3x, all of them collectivel y passed out a the same time. 


----line break UWU---


Holy shit, where are we?’ said kenny, the local femboy. He had once engulfed alex’s nose during a play. he ‘s also very hot. Eh whipped out his phone to tweet something about his incredible boyfriend instead of paying attention to his friends.  


“omfg theres no internet heer i can txt my bf :((((“ kenny sobbed. “Y is their no why-fye”


“Well, according to my calculations, we appear to be in 1783, a winters ball, adn the scheeleyre sisters were the envy of all” said lily as she threw up a peace sign. Alex tried to hit them all with a “nyah! Uwu” but was interrubuirnpneted by fallon’s aggressive thottery. 


‘OUUUUUHH AAAUAUGGG RRGGG” said Fallon, trying to figure out where they were since their perfect blonde hair covered their ears and made it so they couldnt hear lily. 


suddenly, they wer noticed!!! they wer standing out in the town rectangle, and while they bickered they had failed to notice that they were in the midst of a deeply formal 1780’s ball, and they were all wearing t-shirts ans short shorts except for alex, who was wearing a skirt as usual (albiet a short one to the 17009s standardsm but she had some fine ass legs so who cares). Their legs were totally exp0s3d(omg whoresssss) and everyone was lookibng at them with lust and ragee. Suddenly, Alexander Spamiltonne was in front of Alex!!!!!! He looked her up and down, biting his lip like someone we all know from 200 years in the future. 


“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.” 


The female Alex laughed at his antic and stuck out her hand for him to kiss, putting on her haughtiest voice to pretend that she had money, “And who would you be, you white-wigged 23 year old man? I do like older men ;)” Alexander laughed.


“Well, 16 and 23 isnt that big of an age gap, by all means your father shouldve already married you off. But if you havent been then Id certainly like to apply for the job a ha ha”

 Alex bit her lip in return, ‘a ha ha’ing back in their typical mating call. 


She wasnt the only one being accosted, though. All the cryptids were being swept off their feet. Alex didnt care about that though, she cared about the man in front of her, giving her attention and staring at her oh-so promiscuous kneecaps. She put her finger under Hamiltons chin and lifted his head. “My eyes are up here, darling, but if youd like to see whats right above those knees then all you have to do,” she leaned in close, closer than any unmarried two of the opposite sex should be, “is pin me to the wall at my place of work”


Aaron Burr’s glorious parties were a necessity for his presidency, fraternizing with the American people and the wealthy donors (eat the rich ;) ). Wine was tossed around like a cheap punching bag, Aaron Burr knew god had created alcohol to get fuckin’ wasted. As soon as Burr caught Fallon’s eye across the room, they were almost pulled together by a magnetic force. 


A regal waltz had soon turned into a sloppy two-step, and they had both trembled to the nearest bedroom disregarding the buckets of vomit and hysterical guests. An American flag was posted on the dusty wall, and both of the party member’s clothes had mistakenly slipped off. The bed was full, and Burr started planting his fatass pendant into them, wiring in and out


“You know what? Fuck this, im gonna listen to emo music.” said Kcas. “You either die a normie or live long enough to see yourself be an emo.” they were quickly thwarted in their attempts to jam by the fact that there was NO FUCKING INTERNET IN THE 1700S.. They stomped off in their knee-high doc martens, looking for someone who understands them. 


Kenny schreeched at the sight of all of the attractive men in his vicinity, momentarily forgetting about his boyfrienf from the future. “Lily! Look at all of these men! Their closteted internalized homophobia is no match for my sexiness!” 


“Lily looked at them with disdain, judging all of them in typical lily fashion. She pushed her glasses up her nose like the tsundere she is and crossed her arms, pushing up her huge tiddies at the same time. “Look at these cute little slave owners, how wonderful.” she said cynically, bringing down the mood. 


A beautiful woman then came up to lily, wearing a peach dress. “My mane is angelica scheyeheler.” she sabng medolically. 


“Hubba hubba, i am no longer a realist in the face pfa hot woman! Lets go have hot lesbian sex.” said lily, biting her lips that became chapped in the absence of chapstick for the last 5 minutes. 


“OH FUCK YES ANGELICA!” lily cried as angelica ate her out in the m,iddle of the ball room. 


Kcas cried tears like a river of black. “CRAWLING IN MY SKINNNNNN THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEALLLLLL” they cried, trying to emulate some of their wonderful music that they were no longer privy to. 


Suddenly, Shadow the Hedgehog barges into the cryptid crew’s peaceful conversations and had to simply say, “All of you are getting carceral and cock-eral punishment for your horny, horny crimes. My weed and Wii supply is well stocked.”

Shadow looks suspiciously more faux than real, so Alex chimed “ARE YOU A FUCKING FURRY OwO,” managing to verbalize OwO. Shadow had immediately disintegrated like the goldfish in that one tikok.

Alex couldnt be bothered to look at the now shriveled Shadow, she was too busy with her new man. 


Kcas came running back in, “OMG SHADO!!!!! FINALLY SOMEONE WHO GETZ ME!!!!!!!” THEy ran into shadows arms, kissing their fursuit snout, and un4tunately they had ….. CORONA!!!!!!!! dun dun DUNNNNNN!!!!!!! and so both Kcas and shadow died  :(((((((( and then Alex and Alex had s3x on their corpses


Line break: fallon side story: 

The bed’s wooden foundation creaked, which had caused the flag to gently land onto Burr’s tense and vibrating body.


One of the many secrets of this house is it’s infestations could have been taken care of… better. The rats, maggots, and roaches were simply recognized as a part of the experience. Maggots had embedded their way into the American flag that now lay on the truly American couple, and one of the maggots had slipped into Burr’s gloryhole.


 Burr had unfortunately mistaken this for a lurking finger from their partner in love, and Burr’s moan could be heard across the entire fucking party palace. Eliza herself, the mom friend of the Schuylers, has seen the writhing maggots embedded in the American flag, looked, acknowledged, and walked away.


To put this story into context, the maggots represent the corruption found within the American government, and Eliza represents the government by-standing to see this horrid sight. But also, I just wanted to bang Aaron Burr.


Aaron Burr’s legacy along with his rancid maggot affair has been recognized by the U.S.A. as a common format for political commentary, and once Fallon had transported back to the measly year of 1880, they had a quest set upon them.



End of fallon side story


Suddenly, someone coughed. Then an erruption of coughs resonated throughout the ballroom. Angelicorona coughed into lily’s tight, wet, and dripping pussy, eating her out deBiteOf87 coughing vehemently. 


The people of the ballroom stared at the newcomers in their strange clothes, realizing they only started coughing after they showed up. 

“WITCH!” they started to cry, looking pointedly at kcas’s dead body and their dark clothing. Kcas then got up despite being dead, their body now zombie-fied. 


“LAUV, LAUV, LAUV BY LOAF”, screamed fallon in response, evidnetly trying to put a spell on them to protect their brethren. 


 The raidly dying mob ran towards the cryptids!!! but they also ran bc even though they had covid, their slutty clothes let them move a lot faster!!!


“FUCK MY TIDDY FELL OUT OF MY SLUTTY ASS SHIRT” said alex, although i dont think she was really that upset bc Alexander (who was running with them, completly in love with alex and unable to hate her for her witchiness his increasinly bad coughs.). Lily reached over and shoved alexs b00b back in. hehe tiddy honk honk mommy milky boob boob mommy milky


Kenny’s giraffe ass throat had managed to consume John Lauren’s mega milk special sauce. He swallowed that shit like it was water at 4am, and Lauren went fucking “AAAAAUHHH AAAAAUUHH OUHHHUH AAOAOAOHH.” Everything was euphoric until Kcas and the rest barged in.


“hURRY THE FUCK UP KENNY” screamed kcas, their voice raspy from being a zombie. Kenny was still on the floor sucking john lennon’s dick (oops i mean laurens), as he had begged to be given at least one dick to suck during this escapade. 


This entire time, Allyson had been sitting in the corner singing the lyrics from the musical, trying to get Alexander to stop flirting with Alexandra and start singing My Shot.


“Pussy dick pussy dick pussy dick PENIS AND COCK AND BALLS!” screamed all of them as they clicked their heels together like some fucked up wizard the oz knock ofF,

There truly is no place like home hehehe 


Out of the corner, a fair lady who had a striking resemblance to Nicki Minaj saw these ass people fucking old ass men. She had unsheathed her (actual) sword and had managed to behead every single motherfucker in the building, managing to swim through the pool of cum.


“N-N-N-NO” she stuttered out in dubstep as the cryptids disappeared b4 she could kill them. “I am nicki minaj and i couldnt mack them dudes up” she said forlornly, looking off into the distance. 


When they wolk up, everything was fuzzy. They were still at their computers, on microsoft teams, but no time had passed. They looked at each other. “Was that...was that real?” 

Lily looked down at her dripping pussy, still wet with angelica’s saliva. 

Alex looked at the hickeys on her body that she got from other alex, which hadn't been there before. 


“I dont think it was a dream” they said. 


“So,” Alex started, “Group sex?”

Ao3 credits: alex/CutMyHair


Fallon goes anonymous on this hellsite

Kcas: no ao3 :(

Kenny: would credit himself if he had an account