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A God's Mad Lab fanfic

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It was another day dealing through God's shit..

Of course again the humans seemed lost. I needed God's sorry ass to fix the ordeal. The amount of times this happens? Arghargh!!

I head on over to God's.. headquarters? I'm not sure what the place is called. If it is a headquarters, it's not a headquartery headquarters..

Where he mainly does- I'm not sure on that either..

I walk in, and He's splayed out on the couch, wine glass in hand, binge watching some show on Netflix.

I knick His glass and chug the wine from it. God that feels great!- not God as in God- the expression!- But Damn that was some good quality wine!

I feel warm and a little drowsy.

I flop down besideish, partially on Him. "Hey God?"

"Hey Carlson!"

"One of your minions, uploaded a load of horror movie scripts into the world.."

"And?" 

"They all came out in the same year-"

"Awww that's so great!!"

"No it's really not."

"You're homophobic!?" God gasps.

"No- the horror movie scripts are uploaded into reality. And they all are happening at once. Like that."

"Ohhh wanna binge watch it and possibly 'chill?" He wiggles his eyebrows.

I lean away a bit, bring my hand to his cheek, and whisper, "After you solve this, then we'll see?"

He blinks slowly, "Are we about to kiss right now?"

"Maybe later.." I lean closer, I can taste his breath our mouths are so close..

Benefits of heaven: Everyone has aMAZing breath..

I abruptly get up.

"The horror crisis. Fix it." I order.

"But they've always got issues!! They can and do complain! People: Worst. Invention. Ever."

"But you're gonna fix it." 

"You're only allowed to give me orders in the bedroom." He wines.

"Later."

Sometimes God goes to far with His, "Let's see what happens if we- welp that wasn't what I expected.. but mOVING ON!!" attitude. And this needed to be fixed.

After a little persuading.. God summons my laptop. He lays across my lap, I roll my eyes and set my laptop on his back.

I started to read all of the things that have happened to humans.

"There's a rumour of WIII starting, Australia cosplayed/ing as one of those burnt marshmallows at campfires, there's a virus that's very deadly and lots of humans believe it doesn't exist, also they discovered 'other' life in space, murder hornets, Yemen was almost genocided, Lebanon exploded, a bunch of used to be safe lakes are hospitaling people after a quick swim, also the false sense of superiority is such a huge problem people are murdering each other-"

"Jaysus! Aren't you done listing??"

Out of nowheres Jess shows up.

"Yes? Fuhthur."

"Jaysus I wasn't- Oh myself! Thiiink!! Wait. Go help the angels brush their wings." 

"Yes Fuhthur." Jess walks away purposefully.

"Now, where were we?"

"The world's fucked up and you're going to fix it?" I offer sarcastically.

"Right... how are we going to fix this?"

"We? How is this a we problem?"

"Cus I'm your bitch?"

"God this isn't fair- Fuck that- it isn't right."

"Carlson." 

I don't answer, I'm so bloody pissed off.

"Carlson?"

He wiggles around till I can see his face.

"Carlson skip forward."

I do.

"See? Look it gets better. 'Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay? It's not the end." 

"Bullshit." 

"What!?"

"What about those who don't make it? Hmm? Who don't see the "okay'? What about them?"

"They died a noble death."

"It's not about noble- God!! You've neVER been human have you!"

"No-"

"that wasn't a question."

"He closes the laptop and vanishes it away somewhere.

He sits up. He's low-key straddling me, and very softly, kisses me.

I shut my eyes and kiss him and it's.. it's okayer.

Like I can see how things work, I see all of earth from the His view. I look at everything and it makes sense.

It's not planned. There never was a script or a 'reason' just more or less this problem will have it's place.

Because if there was a plan? What's the point of choice? Why get up if it will 'work' anyways? 

Because of him, my "bitch" I smile, I realise we might never of met. So I deepen the kiss.

When I open my eyes, we're on a bed. It sorta smells like God, I like that.

We hold each other and I can plainly see his eyes, I know it's random, it's just.. I rarely take note of people's eyes.

Eye contact is just no.

They're that colour I always imagined existed only in space, a hypnotic black purple.

There's a TV screen, and it's playing Carry On -S3 somewheres I think- We hold each other and share another kiss.

I snicker at a random thought. When mum said she wanted me to be quote unquote safe in the arms of God? I don't think she meant so literal..

We watched a couple episodes, until Jess showed up blushing and stuttering. 

"Fuhthur, Carlson! There was dye on the brushes, you can't tell the difference between an angel or demon now!!"

"Don't worry buddy we'll help." 

"Did Santa do this?? I'm'a call him right how dare Santa!! To thINK I actually liked him??" God fumes.

"Why are you hiding, Jess?" 

"The angels all want to hurt me in very creative ways.. I'm not sure what to do.."

"Can't they wish it away?" 

"It's nonwishawayable."

"Okay umm maybe we go ask Santa? How's that sound?"

"Okay."

~~~{THE END}~~