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The Ultimate Trainwreck

Chapter Text

12:48 P.M.

Junko Enoshima has started a group chat. Say hi!

Aoi Asahina: what is this????

Kyoko Kirigiri: Oh no

Junko Enoshima has named the chat BEST CLASS LMAO.

Literal Legend has changed sixteen nicknames.

weedman: dude i just woke up what the heck is this

Literal Legend: Shut up!!!!!!!!! Oh my god isnt it obvious!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: Its a group chat for all of us, isnt that fun?!?!?!?!!!!

RICH BOY BITCH BOY: I'm not staying here.

RICH BOY BITCH BOY has left the chat.

Literal Legend added Byakuya Togami to the chat.

Literal Legend has changed one nickname.

RICH BOY BITCH BOY: I know where you live, Junko.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: heeeeeeey yalllll 

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: wait dude what the fresh hell is my nickname

Weeaperv: It's better than mine...

The Alpha and The Omega has changed one nickname.

The Alpha and The Omega: There we go! Nothing shall thwart my image! (*¯︶¯*)

Literal Legend: oh my gooooddddd none of you guys are on!!!!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: @everuome

Literal Legend: fuck!

Literal Legend: @everyone

cornboy: pft just saw this sorry

cornboy: dont ever fuckin ping me again got that

NOFUCKINGRUNNING: Language, classmate!


NOFUCKINGRUNNING: It seems my name has been compromised for the worse, how do I change it?

Maeggy Naeggy: check the settings for the chat, Taka!!!


Purple People Eater Victim: May I ask what the point was to creating this?

NOFUCKINGRUNNING: Makoto, please text me directly, I require assistance with the technology.

Maeggy Naeggy: okay~!!

Literal Legend: just for fun!!!!!!!! we didnt have a group chat and, like, everyone else has one!!!! now we can have juicy class gossip about all the other losers!!!!!!!!!!!!

Purple People Eater Victim: Why am I not surprised..?

☆☆Princess☆☆: hey guys!!!!

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: u gave the only accurate nickname to her?

Literal Legend: excuse you!!! I know for a FACT that I'm a fuckin legend!!!!!!!!! and we all know that pubic hair falls out when you dye it soooooooooo answer the fuckin question!!!

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: why dont u find out urself pussy

Literal Legend: cuz you're gay asf ;)

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: fuck u no im not!

Purple People Eater Victim: Leon, she's just instigating you

Purple People Eater Victim: How has everyone's day been?

Donut Day: Great!!!!!!!!!! I just got done doing some laps with Sakura hehee!!!! :)

idkwhattonicknameyou: ^^^. now we are going to get something to eat. would anyone like for us to get something for them?

Sakura Ogami has changed one nickname.

Angel: would you mind picking me up whatever you're having,,,,,? :)

Angel: it's Chihiro, btw!!!

Sakura Ogami: yes, of course.


Literal Legend: where's my fucking sister

Literal Legend: @Not a Legend

Not a Legend: what do u want

Literal Legend: i saw you standing real close to Sayaka yesterday!!!!

☆☆Princess☆☆: We were listening to music :)

Literal Legend: my sister?? Listening to music with an adorable girl and standin real close and blushing???????????

Not a Legend: im going to kill u

Literal Legend: no you won't!!!

Literal Legend: annnnnyways............ who else has juicy gossip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Alpha and The Omega: I saw Mr. Naegi hanging out with one of the upperclassmen!

The Alpha and The Omega: Young love~!

Moral Compass has changed one nickname.

Maeggy Naeggy: what??

Maeggy Naeggy: do u mean Hinata?? he's dating Komaeda and Chiaki and I don't have a crush on anyone???????

The Alpha and The Omega: ...

The Alpha and The Omega: That's what they all say~~~~~

Maeggy Naeggy: ????????????

Maeggy Naeggy: Hifumi I think I know myself pretty well.......

Moral Compass: He also knows technology quite well! Thank you for the assistance, Makoto!

Maeggy Naeggy: no problem!! :)

Hermit: Oh good God, what the hell is this..?

Hermit: I don't like talking to you all; you're too chaotic...

RICH BOY BITCH BOY: I hate to agree with whoever sent that, but you all belong in the loony bin with Toko.

Hermit: I'm not crazy!

RICH BOY BITCH BOY: Ugh, of course I agreed with you. Just my luck.

Hermit: You still agreed with me, though..! :)

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: smoochy smoochy

RICH BOY BITCH BOY: Don't make me add you to my hit list, Leon.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: do it pussy im not afraid of u

cornboy: ur not comin to my dorm

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: fuck okay maybe im a lil scared now


doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: .

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: im so fucking dead that was so ominous goodbye yall

P-P-P-Poker Face: How tragic

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: bitch

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: ill fuck with ur tea dont think i wont

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: u like salt in it???

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: FUKC.SOMRONES KMOCKIGN ON MY DOOR

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: TAKA HRLP MR

Moral Compass: I am, unfortunately, across the school at this point in time.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: MUKRUO??????????

Not a Legend: ditto.

Not a Legend: plus u brought this upon urself and it's kinda hilarious.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: im so fucking dead

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: does byakubitch know how to pick locks

RICH BOY BITCH BOY: Thank you for reminding me that the replacement unpickable locks failed to get shipped in before the start of this year.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: HE KNOSW HOWTOFUCKIGNP ICK LOCKS

Angel: f

☆☆Princess☆☆: F

weedman: f

Maeggy Naeggy: F!

The Alpha and The Omega: F. (´-ω-`)

cornboy: f

cornboy: you want me to bust his teeth in?

Moral Compass: NO!

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: yes pls hes being slow thank fuck

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: ISPOEK TOO SOON

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: MODNO

cornboy: coming

Moral Compass: NO!!!!!

Literal Legend: ooooh!!!!!!!! fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moral Compass: NO FIGHTING.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: MONDO WALK FASYER HE FOUFB ME

Angel: i'll get started with his obituary.

☆☆Princess☆☆: I hear Leon screaming from down the hall,,

☆☆Princess☆☆: Oh, wait?

☆☆Princess☆☆: I think Byakuya just got decked.. or thrown one of the two lol


Maeggy Naeggy: they won't hurt me, dw! :)

☆☆Princess☆☆: Please,,,,,

1:24 P.M.

Maeggy Naeggy: all done!!

Maeggy Naeggy: Byakuya was thrown and was threatening to sue but I think I talked common sense into him!!

RICH BOY BITCH BOY has left the chat.

Maeggy Naeggy: :(

Literal Legend added Byakuya Togami to the chat.

Literal Legend locked the chat.

Byakuya Togami: I'm blocking all of you.

Literal Legend: you do that!!!! anyways I got it alllll on camera!!!!!!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: rules boy came outta fuckin nowhere and gave us all detention but ;)

Literal Legend: soooooo worth it!!!!!!!!!

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: kyoko pls dont tell ur dad that byakubitch got yeeted and made a dent in my wall

Purple People Eater Victim: I'll keep it hush hush if you do your homework on your own

Purple People Eater Victim: And if you refrain from pissing people off.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: ugh but byakuyas fun to mess with

Purple People Eater Victim: The only way you got out of that alive was because Mondo was your bodyguard

P-P-P-Poker Face: She's got a point

P-P-P-Poker Face: Although, I'd love to see you begging him for mercy, it'd show just how much of an idiot you are~

Sakura Ogami: chihiro, I apologize. what would you like, again?

Angel: just whatever you guys are having is fine! <3

Sakura Ogami: as you wish.

Sakura Ogami: we'll be back on campus in a few minutes.

Angel: okay~! thank you guys again ily <3

Donut Day: No problem, hun!! ♡

2:32 P.M.

Byakuya Togami has made a chat. Welcome!

Byakuya Togami: One of you has to go and fetch me medicine for my head.

Mondo Oowada: kinda in the middle of taka tutor time

Leon Kuwata: cant im jacking off

Byakuya Togami: Vile.


Byakuya Togami: Then go and get me pain medicine.

Byakuya Togami: I don't care whether it's from the upperclassman Nurse or from the Nurse's Office.

Leon Kuwata: fuck u

Byakuya Togami: No comment. Go.

Byakuya Togami: Otherwise I will be telling Jin about the hole in the wall.

Leon Kuwata: BITCH

Leon Kuwata: ugh fine u want motrin

Byakuya Togami: Anything is fine. Go. Now.

Leon Kuwata: bitch

Chapter Text

10:43 P.M.

weedman: dooeeeeees anyone know what the hell happened to the power

Literal Legend: maybe it was aliens!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxo

weedman: im sorry WHAT

weedman: brb i need to hide my fries

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: kazuichi is dickin around with the power grid and i think he accidentally managed to shut the power off in the dorm area

Moral Compass: Why are you two out so late at night?

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: why arent u asleep bro???

Moral Compass: I am studying.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: why am i not surprised

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: just wait a few minutes im sure hell get it workin soon

Moral Compass: You need to answer my question.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: but do i gotta

cornboy: just answer the asshole, leon.

Moral Compass: :(

Moral Compass: How am I the butthole?

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: finnnne whatever

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: hes makin a giant robot n needed more power

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: chihiros actually here too but hes busy freakin out about accidentally cutting the power

Moral Compass: Get Chihiro back to his dorm at once!

Hermit: Just let the three of them get caught...

Hermit: They need to get what's coming to them...

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: thanks for the support toko, fuck u too

Angel: kazuichi's almost figured it out!

weedman: wait so it's not the aliens????

Angel: hiro, no,,, it's not,,,,,,,,

weedman: i just got done hiding my fries

weedman: god damnit

Angel: just go get them back out then! :)

Angel: im sorry for the confusion, hiro!

Angel: and anyone else, really, but i think most of you are asleep,,,,,,

Literal Legend: LET'S CHANGE THAT!!!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: @everyone

several people are typing...

Purple People Eater Victim: Why do you feel the need to do that

Not a Legend: junko i stfg.

The Alpha and The Omega: Who dares call upon my name and therefore pull me from my slumber?!?!?! (ノಥ益ಥ)ノ

Not a Legend: the bitch i have as a sister.

Literal Legend: teehee!!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: cause chaos, my companions!!!!!!!!

Byakuya Togami: I'm dangerously close to releasing hell upon all of you.

Literal Legend: ooooooh just the person to fuck 

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: wtf

Literal Legend: *fuck with!!!!!!! Lmao!!

Literal Legend: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww does someone have a crushhhh

Hermit: He'd better not.

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: im not gay

doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: just grossed out by someone randomly sayin shit like that but it was a typo so we good

Literal Legend: awwwwwww you're such a bad liar!!!!!!

Literal Legend: anyways where's the power?!?!?!

Literal Legend: I have a photoshoot in the morning that I picked up to skip classes, and I need to straighten my hair for it!!!!!!!!!!

Moral Compass: You picked up a job to skip classes?

Literal Legend: and you're not focusing on your books, nerd???

Moral Compass: I'm just concerned for your wellbeing.

Literal Legend: don't be!!

Literal Legend: if something doesn't go my way and it has to do with school, i'll just figure out a way to cause the apocalypse!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: if there's no world there can't be any school!!!!!!

Literal Legend: and if there's no school, there's no such thing as a bad grade!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not a Legend: ur doing it again.

Not a Legend: stop that.

Literal Legend: uggGGGGgggGGgGgGGgH you're no funnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: it's just a joke!!!!!!! bitch!!!!!!

Not a Legend: it's not funny.

Literal Legend: whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: where the hell is makoto?!?!!?!?!!??!?

Literal Legend: @Maeggy Naeggy

Literal Legend: @Maeggy Naeggy

Literal Legend: @Maeggy Naeggy

Literal Legend: @Maeggy Naeggy

Maeggy Naeggy: hmmnm?

Maeggy Naeggy: wgat's goimg on I was asleep,,,,

Purple People Eater Victim: Look what you've done, you've woken him up

Purple People Eater Victim: Go back to sleep, Makoto

Maeggy Naeggy: mkayyy,,

Literal Legend: NOOOO! i have a questionnnnnnn!!!!!!!

Literal Legend: ugh he dipped

Literal Legend: @Maeggy Naeggy

Maeggy Naeggy: yes?

Maeggy Naeggy: sorry i had a test today Junko im super wiped...

Literal Legend: aw, little bitch baby is tireeeeeed???????????

Literal Legend: well, get over it because i'm bored!!!!!

Literal Legend: also because i have a question

Literal Legend: can i dm you, egg boy?

Maeggy Naeggy: i guess.......

This is the beginning of Junko Enoshima's message history with Makoto Naegi.

10:59 P.M.

Junko Enoshima: lol how have we never texted before?!?!?

Makoto Naegi: idk,,,

Junko Enoshima: annnnywayyyyyyyyys!!!!!!

Junko Enoshima: you're like

Junko Enoshima: the mediator of our class, riiiiiight?!?!?!?!

Junko Enoshima: the center of the lil spider web, so to speak?!?!

Makoto Naegi: I guess......

Makoto Naegi: i'm afraid to ask why you're asking....

Junko Enoshima: lol

Junko Enoshima: who likes each other

Makoto Naegi: wh?!?!?!?!

Makoto Naegi: I'm not telling you that!!!!!!!!

Junko Enoshima: tell me!!!!! tell me tell me tell me!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: no!!!!! that would be rude!!!

Makoto Naegi: besides idrk that many,,,,,,

Junko Enoshima: cmoonnnnnnnnnnn i wont tell!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: ...

Makoto Naegi: you know..? somehow I doubt that......

Junko Enoshima: noooooo i promise :((((

Makoto Naegi: hnnng I'll feel bad!!!!

Junko Enoshima: then don't!!!! simple!!!!!!!!!! gimme the juicy deets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: will you leave me alone if I do..?

Junko Enoshima: maaaaaaayyyyyybbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: hngngng.....

Makoto Naegi: Taka's been...... pretty forward with me about his feelings for Mondo..

Makoto Naegi: gushes about him a lot it's super cute!!!!

Junko Enoshima: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!

Junko Enoshima: SCREENSHOTS!!!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: no,,,

Junko Enoshima: NOWWWWWWWWWW

Makoto Naegi: im going back to sleep.....

Makoto Naegi: THE LIGHTS


Junko Enoshima: LOL I LOVE THIS


Makoto Naegi: i'm so not getting back to sleep for a while now.......

Junko Enoshima: great!!!!!!!!! now you can interview people and ask them who they like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: ..........

Makoto Naegi: do i need to......?

Junko Enoshima: yep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Junko Enoshima: make sure you get byakuya and mukuro, mkay????? i have like. zero chance of ever finding out either of their crushes which is suuuuuuper cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Junko Enoshima: they're so protective of their feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: ill try my best...

Makoto Naegi: im just going to ask those two, though, it's late.....

Makoto Naegi: you owe me lunch, Junko

Junko Enoshima: yeah, yeah!!!!!!!!! just do my wicked bidding already!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: fine

Junko Enoshima: thx!!!! ♡♡♡♡

11:14 P.M.

Makoto Naegi: Mukuro

Mukuro Ikusaba: whats up lil man?

Makoto Naegi: nothin!!!

Makoto Naegi: the lights came back on in my dorm because i accidentally fell asleep with them on at first....

Makoto Naegi: and now i can't fall back asleep :/

Mukuro Ikusaba: aw that sucks

Makoto Naegi: mhm,,,,

Makoto Naegi: but I was just wondering, do you still like Sayaka, bb?

Mukuro Ikusaba: i do.

Mukuro Ikusaba: shes been really nice to me lately idk what im doing different.

Makoto Naegi: maybe she's warming up to you!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: kinda like what happened with you and me a while back :)

Mukuro Ikusaba: ugh i was such a creepy obsessive little fuck back then we dont talk about that.

Makoto Naegi: o-kay!!

Mukuro Ikusaba: but do u think she likes me back makoto?

Makoto Naegi: ummmmmmmmm!

Makoto Naegi: if im being honest, yeah, I think you've got a good chance she does!!!!!

Mukuro Ikusaba: :)

Makoto Naegi: just give it a few more days and see if you can make her laugh or blush or something!!

Makoto Naegi: oooooooh, and tell me if she shares her food with you!!!!

Mukuro Ikusaba: um.

Mukuro Ikusaba: shes already done that.

Makoto Naegi: .....

Makoto Naegi: has she invited you to one of her practices yet?

Mukuro Ikusaba: yes. its this weekend.

Makoto Naegi: OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: yes shes totally into you, Mukuro!!

Mukuro Ikusaba: wait.

Mukuro Ikusaba: really?

Makoto Naegi: YESSSSS!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: oh my gosh this is so cute!!! ^u^

Mukuro Ikusaba: do u think i should ask her out?

Makoto Naegi: go for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she'll totally say yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mukuro Ikusaba: ill ask her tomorrow.

Mukuro Ikusaba: ill keep u updated.

Makoto Naegi: ofc!!!!! ♡♡

Mukuro Ikusaba: im gonna try going back to sleep now.

Mukuro Ikusaba: goodnight makoto.

Makoto Naegi: goodnight, Mukuro!!

11:28 P.M.

Makoto Naegi: are you up??

11:47 P.M.

Byakuya Togami: What do you want?

Makoto Naegi: oh good

Makoto Naegi: this is an awkward question but um!

Makoto Naegi: do you like someone?

Byakuya Togami: I'm not interested in you, Makoto. Sorry to burst your chimerical bubble.

Makoto Naegi: nonono it's not like that!!!!

Makoto Naegi: i like Kyoko not you lol

Makoto Naegi: dont tell Hifumi I lied to him though :(

Byakuya Togami: I don't talk to that pig.

Makoto Naegi: he's not a pig!!!! don't be mean :(

Byakuya Togami: I stand by what I said.

Makoto Naegi: that's awfully mean of you......

Byakuya Togami: I'm not a nice person.

Makoto Naegi: :(

Makoto Naegi: anyways after that depressing moment.....

Byakuya Togami: Why should I tell you my romantic interests to begin with?

Makoto Naegi: idk it's fun!!!!

Byakuya Togami: That's not a very convincing answer.

Makoto Naegi: pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

Byakuya Togami: I'm not saying a word.

Makoto Naegi: is it a girl?

12:02 A.M.

Makoto Naegi: is it a boy?

12:19 A.M.

Makoto Naegi: Byakuya :(((

Byakuya Togami: I've already told you, I don't plan on telling anyone who I have my eyes on. I wouldn't want Syo seeing me with him.

Makoto Naegi: SO IT'S A BOY?

Byakuya Togami: *her

Makoto Naegi: Byakuya, you've told me before that you're bi dont act like that! :(

Byakuya Togami: Whatever. Yes, the person I like is a male. Do you have an issue with that?

Makoto Naegi: nonono!!!!!! not at all :)

Makoto Naegi: soooooo......

Makoto Naegi: is there any way I can get more info out of you?

12:36 P.M.

Byakuya Togami: There is not.

Makoto Naegi: why do you keep hopping in and out??? the app says you're still online whenever you disappear...

Byakuya Togami: It's none of your business.

Makoto Naegi: are you texting him, maybe???

Byakuya Togami: It's none of your business.

Makoto Naegi: oh you're definitely texting him!!!

Byakuya Togami: You really don't know how to keep your thoughts to yourself, do you?

Makoto Naegi: it was just a guess but now I know for sure that you're texting him!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: what are you guys talking about I'm curious!!!!!!!!!

Byakuya Togami: Currently?

Byakuya Togami: We're having a civil debate about how to take over the world.

Byakuya Togami: He, unfortunately, is doing other things in tandem to texting me, so the conversation is moving fairly slowly, but... it is certainly entertaining.

Makoto Naegi: IS IT TAKA??


Makoto Naegi: oh nvm he hasn't been online for an hour,,,

Makoto Naegi: wait,,,,

Makoto Naegi: Hagakure, Mondo, and Leon  all got offline at around the same time around six minutes ago??

Makoto Naegi: hmmmmmmm......

Byakuya Togami: Don't work your tiny brain too hard, Makoto.

Makoto Naegi: hey! not nice!

Byakuya Togami: I'm not going over the fact that I'm not nice again.

Makoto Naegi: hmmmm.......

Makoto Naegi: Hiro and Leon are both... not the brightest tools in the shed.........

Makoto Naegi: I can see you liking Mondo is it Mondo

Byakuya Togami: He smells piss poor constantly. Motor oil, gasoline, and the scent of his cologne aren't a pleasing aroma together.

Makoto Naegi: ......smell..........??????

Makoto Naegi: how do you know what he smells like?

Byakuya Togami: He threw me yesterday, but I could catch his unpleasant odor from miles away.

Makoto Naegi: fair enough,,

Makoto Naegi: wait

Makoto Naegi: Hiro always smells weird

Makoto Naegi: Leon always smells nice though doesnt he

Makoto Naegi: he doesnt like getting sweaty and dirty and I've seen expensive perfume in his room!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: oh,,,,

Makoto Naegi: wait he's straight,,,,

Makoto Naegi: :(

1:01 A.M.

Makoto Naegi: Byakuya?

1:16 A.M.

Makoto Naegi: Byakuya, I can see you're online, please answer me, now I'm worried :(


1:39 A.M.

cornboy: does anyone else hear someone crying

Literal Legend: yeah uh??????

Literal Legend: whatever I'm going to sleep goodnight bitches!!!

1:58 A.M.

Byakuya Togami: I'm sorry. I think I have the flu. Tell Taka and our homeroom teacher I got a migraine in the middle of the night.

Makoto Naegi: are you okay?

Byakuya Togami: No.

Byakuya Togami: I regret having my favorite meal for dinner, and I see the vague outline of a toilet bowl whenever I close my eyes.

Makoto Naegi: do you want me to come over????

Byakuya Togami: Get to bed. I'll be fine.

Makoto Naegi: :(

Makoto Naegi: ill ask Teruteru for chicken noodle soup tomorrow, okay?

Byakuya Togami: That's acceptable.

Makoto Naegi: :)

Makoto Naegi: goodnight, Byakuya, I hope you feel better!!

Byakuya Togami: Goodnight.


2:02 A.M.

Byakuya Togami: I believe I heard something, too.

Byakuya Togami: Whoever it was better shut the hell up and stop crying like a wimp.

cornboy: ......

Chapter Text

Literal Legend has named the chat Honorary 4/20.

11:21 A.M.

Maeggy Naeggy: hey Hiro!!

Maeggy Naeggy: @weedman

weedman: what's up?

Maeggy Naeggy: HEHE

Maeggy Naeggy: GOOO!!!!!

several people are typing...

Moral Compass: Happy Birthday, Yasuhiro!

Purple People Eater Victim: Happy extraction day :)

Donut Day: happy birthday dude!!!!!!!! ♡☆♡☆♡☆♡

The Alpha and The Omega: Glorious day!!!! 

Sakura Ogami: happy birthday, hiro.


doesthecarpetmatchthedrapes6969: im comin over dude were gonna PARTY

weedman: hell yeah bro!!!!!!!

weedman: actually any of you guys can come over if you wanna i got nothin to do and was makin stuff to eat but i can always make more

Maeggy Naeggy: oooh!! what're you making?

weedman: brownies

Moral Compass: .

Moral Compass: Would you mind listing the ingredients?

weedman: dude look at my nickname what do you think is in these

Moral Compass: Don't offer us those confections, Hiro!

weedman: id make you guys clean ones dont get it twisted

weedman: god knows if I'd remember to label them but I'd sure as hell try 

weedman: anyways Leon's here gtg

weedman: I'll leave the door unlocked feel free to walk on in whenever

2:09 P.M.

weedman: heyyyyyy uh so

weedman: forgot to tell Taka which batch of brownies were clean

cornboy: am i gonna need to murder a bitch today

weedman: forget I said anything

cornboy: if taka is high ud better fuckin tell me

weedman: nahhhhhhhhh he's kinda just

weedman: well right now he's napping

cornboy: was he high b4

weedman: can i plead the fifth

cornboy: thats not how this works

cornboy: who all is over there anyways

weedman: me Leon Taka Hina Sakura Sayaka Makoto and Byakuya

weedman: idk how eggy convinced leggy to come with him but

Byakuya Togami: It was on my own volition. Put down your phone, this is your party and Sayaka and Hina just left to get the cake.

weedman: oh shit really??????

weedman: sweet

P-P-P-Poker Face: I don't understand why Taka would eat the brownies when he was the one concerned about their... purity

Not a Legend: who knows.

Not a Legend: im just hoping shit doesnt hit the fan.

Not a Legend: remember what happened at chihiros bday party?

P-P-P-Poker Face: Didn't Junko get drunk?

Not a Legend: unfortunately.

Not a Legend: and she almost had her finger lobbed off by a kid in class 77 because she put her hand down on his chopping board as a joke while he was making chihiro a snack.

Not a Legend: and then she passed out in the middle of chihiros dorm kyoko accidentally stepped on her and she fell into mikan...

Not a Legend: big fucking mess.

P-P-P-Poker Face: God I would kill to have a video of that

Not a Legend: i think the redhead in 77 has pictures.

P-P-P-Poker Face: I know what I'll be doing for the next few minutes

P-P-P-Poker Face: Actually...

P-P-P-Poker Face: @The Alpha and The Omega

P-P-P-Poker Face: Could you contact the girl in the Photography club and ask for the pictures in question for me?

The Alpha and The Omega: Miss Koizumi?

The Alpha and The Omega: Of course! \(≧▽≦)/

The Alpha and The Omega: Give me just a few moments.

2:34 P.M.

The Alpha and The Omega: All done! She said she would print them out for you and drop them off at your dorm later, Miss Ludenberg!

P-P-P-Poker Face: Delightful

P-P-P-Poker Face: Oh no

P-P-P-Poker Face: Do I hear shouting?

Not a Legend: did junko escape?

Not a Legend: fuck. shes not in her room.

☆☆Princess☆☆: Help!!!!!!!! She got into an argument with Byakuya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not a Legend: oh my fucking god.

Not a Legend: honestly just let him tear into her i cannot give any less of a fuck at this point.

☆☆Princess☆☆: Oh!!!

☆☆Princess☆☆: Okay! ♡

2:42 P.M.

Mukuro Ikusaba: MAKOTO.

Makoto Naegi: I SAW!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: ohmygodohmygodOHMYGOD!!!!!!!

Mukuro Ikusaba: im tempted to come over now to hang out with her.

Makoto Naegi: do it!!!!!!!!!!!

Makoto Naegi: she and Leon are hanging out and chatting rn but he looks like he needs a nap

Mukuro Ikusaba: omw.

Honorary 4/20

3:02 P.M.

Literal Legend: ohbhmmyyyyygoodffdddd

Literal Legend: it was just a JOEK!!!!!!

Literal Legend: JOKE!!!!!!!!!

Maeggy Naeggy: you called Byakuya a "stuck-up loser who just needs to let loose and allow himself some sweet vag"

Maeggy Naeggy: and then you ate five of Hiro's pot brownies because you "wanted to spite god"

Literal Legend: A JOKEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Maeggy Naeggy: anyways,,,

Maeggy Naeggy: thank you for taking her back to her dorm Mukuro!!

Not a Legend: no problem...

Not a Legend: ill be back soon.

☆☆Princess☆☆: We'll be waiting!! ^u^

Not a Legend: actually.

Not a Legend: sayaka could u meet me at my place real quick?

☆☆Princess☆☆: Yessss! Of course!!!

Not a Legend: ill be there in five minutes.

3:07 P.M.

Makoto Naegi: ARE YOU GONNA?!?!?!?!

Mukuro Ikusaba: i have to shes making me blush and i really want to give her a hug.


Makoto Naegi: tell me how it goes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mukuro Ikusaba: ofc.

3:23 P.M.

Mukuro Ikusaba: :)

Makoto Naegi: OH??

Mukuro Ikusaba: she kissed me.


Mukuro Ikusaba: im checking on junko again but well be there in a few.

Mukuro Ikusaba: im so happy right now i think i could die.

Makoto Naegi: I'm so bubbly rn!!!!!!!!! This is literally the cutest thing ever!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honorary 4/20

3:26 P.M.

weedman: heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

weedman: do i see you two holdin hands?????

Not a Legend: :)

weedman: hell yeah man gj

Literal Legend: WHHHAAATAATTTTTTTTTTTT?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!


Not a Legend: maybe u couldve if u werent high off ur fucking rocker.

Not a Legend: go take a nap.

3:28 P.M.

Leon Kuwata: duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude wtf my game was so smoooooooth :(

Makoto Naegi: oh with Sayaka?

Makoto Naegi: she and Mukuro have definitely had something there for a while, sorry dude

Leon Kuwata: hnnnng

Leon Kuwata: well im not gonna be an asshole about it

Leon Kuwata: ill live i didnt really like her that much anyways

Leon Kuwata: is byakuya okay he looks like

Leon Kuwata: stressed

Makoto Naegi: he looks fine to me???

Leon Kuwata: he keeps lookin over at me whats his deal

Makoto Naegi: you're high as hell dude, he's probably just making sure you're not about to square up with him

Makoto Naegi: plus he got a bit sick yesterday so he's not feeling the best :(

Leon Kuwata: oh yuck whys he here then

Makoto Naegi: would you look at that Sayaka's calling me bye bye

Leon Kuwata: wh

Leon Kuwata: dude dont think i wont get up and come find you whatre you hiding

3:34 P.M.

Makoto Naegi: Byakuya you need to leave, Leon's getting suspicious!!!!

Byakuya Togami: Nonsense, he's got his head buried in his phone.

Makoto Naegi: stop looking at him so much!!!!!!!!!!!!

Byakuya Togami: Why?

Byakuya Togami: He's cute, and I'm going to look at him if I please.

Makoto Naegi: hdhfhrhfjdjf

Makoto Naegi: just be careful,,,,,,,

Byakuya Togami: What all did you tell him?

Makoto Naegi: I told him you felt icky yesterday

Makoto Naegi: speaking of which, Teruteru says thank you for enjoying the soup!!!

Byakuya Togami: Makoto, I say this with the most tranquility I can muster, but why would you say that?

Makoto Naegi: sorrryyyyyyy,,,, he said you didnt look good and I didn't wanna lie to him!!!!!

Byakuya Togami: I think I'm going to leave soon.

Makoto Naegi: okayyyyyyy bye bye

Honorary 4/20

3:56 P.M.

cornboy: is taka awake yet

weedman: nah he's still conked the hell out

weedman: mostly everyone's left, now it's just me, Leon, and Makoto

weedman: and Taka but he's asleep, duh

cornboy: great

cornboy: hiro u wanna come on a bike ride w me

cornboy: a lil zoomin as a bday present bc im broke and i know u like it

weedman: HELL YEAH 

weedman: gimme just a sec I gotta pull my hair together

weedman: whatre we gonna do w Taka

cornboy: eh jus bring him to my dorm

cornboy: he sleeps over sometimes bc he doesnt wanna be out in the halls at midnight after were done w tutoring so hes used to wakin up over here

weedman: got it

4:45 P.M.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: Mondo? How did I get in your room, and where are you?

5:05 P.M.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: Mondo? Am I allowed to leave?

5:49 P.M.

Mondo Owada: o ur awake

Mondo Owada: yeah ur allowed to leave why wouldnt u b??????

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: I didn't know. I didn't want to be rude.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: I've cleaned your dorm.

Mondo Owada: rly

Mondo Owada: thx dude ive been meaning to do that for a while

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: No problem.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: Also, the sketches of me in this drawing pad are quite accurate. I never knew you could draw.

Mondo Owada: my what

Mondo Owada: fuck how the hell did u find those

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: I cleaned your room. Did I not just say that?

Mondo Owada: gah

Mondo Owada: whatever just

Mondo Owada: dont fuck around with anything else its fine ill finish cleaning when i get back

Mondo Owada: leave

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: If you insist. 

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: Do you mind if I take one of the sketches with me? I quite like them.

Mondo Owada: yeah sure idc

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: Thank you! I shall lock the door on my way out.

6:07 P.M.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: Mondo's drawn me.

Makoto Naegi: holy crap what??

Leon Kuwata: niiiiiiiiice whats it look like

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: It's certainly not what I would have expected.

Chihiro Fujisaki: does it look nice?? :0

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: Oh, absolutely. 

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: I'm fairly certain he used some more expensive pencils on this, the shading is remarkable.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru: I'm quite honestly really flattered. I think I'm blushing.

Makoto Naegi: I don't blame you awww

Makoto Naegi: oh shoot Junko's typing this cant be good

Literal Legend has named the chat Fuck Deese Hos

6:09 P.M.


Literal Legend: grrrrr!!!!!!

cornboy: it was his present shut up

Literal Legend: you're so meannnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cornboy: shut up

Literal Legend: uggGhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide yourrrrrrr bikeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

cornboy: maam u sound like a toddler

Literal Legend: uughghtjggjjj where the fuck is MIKAN I need PAINKILLER my head HURTS

cornboy: idk lmao

P-P-P-Poker Face: Shut up and look at these beautiful images

P-P-P-Poker Face: chihroprty.png

P-P-P-Poker Face: chihroprty2.png

Purple People Eater Victim: I

Purple People Eater Victim: Where did you get those??? I look like an idiot

Purple People Eater Victim: Celestia, I can see you're still online

Purple People Eater Victim: Of course as soon as I say that she goes offline

Purple People Eater Victim: She's lucky she's my friend

Maeggy Naeggy: why??

Purple People Eater Victim: Because if she wasn't she'd be as good as dead :)

Maeggy Naeggy: KYOKO I-

Purple People Eater Victim: I feel my emotions are justified

Purple People Eater Victim: Are you still joining the Forensics Club for dinner tonight, Makoto?

Maeggy Naeggy: oh yeah!!! sorry ill be right there kyoko!!

weedman: and they say im always late