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Failure.
It was all his fault.
If he had been stronger then maybe Oboro wouldn’t have died.
He should have been better and should've gotten there sooner.
It had been a couple of weeks since Aizawa had been informed that Kurogiri was engineered from Hizashi and his childhood friend Oboro’s corpse. He thought he was over what had happened, or at least that he had gotten to the point where it no longer hurt as much. However, now he was flooded with guilt and self-doubt.
Aizawa’s gaze shifted around the room and towards his phone, he knew that he should call his husband. Hizashi was back at the apartment they shared while Aizawa was staying at the dorms to keep an eye on the students.
His fingers were itching for the familiar weight of a blade he had in the back of the bathroom draw. It had been a while since he had even considered relying on the familiar unhealthy coping mechanism. The closest he had come was after Nighteye was killed and he had barely managed to save his student from harm. He had come so close to failing then and maybe if he had been quicker and hadn’t let himself get injured he would’ve been able to prevent some of what happened. Maybe there could have been a way to save Nighteye’s life and Mirio’s quirk.
Usually, when he felt the urge to harm himself he would call his husband, it was an agreement they had come up with years ago when they had first started to date when they were both students at UA. Hizashi had walked in on himself harming and since then he had tried everything he could to get Aizawa to quit. In Aizawa’s defense, he had wanted at times to quit but back then it was easier than facing the reality of everything around him, especially when Oboro died. It had taken years for him to only have an occasional relapse and then to get to where he was now in recovery where it was more of an occasional thought he had rather than action.
However, he couldn’t bring himself to hit the call button on his phone and instead he tossed the phone on the bed as he got up. No, it was selfish of him to bother Hizashi when Oboro was his friend too. He didn’t even know how his husband could look at him after what he had done considering Oboro’s death was on him. If he hadn’t been such a weak hero he would’ve been able to save him.
Silently he padded into the bathroom attached to his room and opened the drawer. At this point, he was reacting more than making a conscious decision and the blade was in his hand. He pulled up the sleeve of the shirt he had fallen asleep in to reveal faded scars, some were barely noticeable while others were deeper. There were also his injuries from when Shigaraka had attacked UA with the Nomu and the league of villains. Some of the scars were from other villains but a good portion of them was self-inflicted over the years.
The blade dragged across his skin with little resistance and a small gasp escaped his lips. He lifted the blade again and drug it across his forearm yet again adding a second cut a bit below the first one. The release had been instant. His mind went quiet and for a moment all he felt was calm. The blade slipped from his fingers into the sink basin as he grabbed a hand towel before sinking on the ground behind his back against the sink cupboard. He rested the towel under his injured arm not wrapping it around it quite yet. For a moment he just stared at the injuries almost in a kind of disbelief in what he had just done.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he let himself feel the hollowness inside of himself. His thoughts drifted from his dead friend to the other people he hadn’t managed to save over the years. Aizawa couldn’t help but think that if he was a hero they all deserved then maybe they would all still be alive. If only he had been good enough.
Finally, he pressed the towel against the injury and tugged it as tightly as he could around his arm as he stood and opened the draw looking for a first aid kit. Once he found it and pulled it out, his shaking fingers took a moment to fumble with the clasp to the container before getting it open. “Shit!” Without thinking about it he flung the container off the counter once seeing that there were no bandages. He must have forgotten to restock the container after the last time he had gotten injured during a parol.
How could he have been so stupid? Now, he was going to have to risk running into one of his students just to find some gauze and alcohol to disinfect what he had done. Hopefully, it was late enough that no one would be awake considering there was class in the morning.
Aizawa felt heavy and tired, all he wanted to do was crawl under his pile of blankets on the bed and fall asleep but he knew if he didn’t bandage his wounds it would make things worse. Upon further inspection, they were still bleeding and he had gone deeper then he should’ve. It had been long enough since the last time he had done it that the amount of pressure to put on the blade was no longer familiar to him.
With a sigh, he opened the door to the hall and exited his room. The fall was devoid of any of his students as he made his way to the common area. There was a fully stocked first aid kit in the kitchen, which was smart considering how prone to injury his students could be.
Once at the kitchen he had to use both his hands to get the container and cursed as the towel slipped free before he had even managed to get the first aid kit out of the cupboard above the counter.
“Aizawa-sensei.” A familiar voice tired voice said from behind him.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He was caught and if he tried to grab the towel that had fallen it would make it more noticeable. Aizawa turned to face the purple-haired student he had taken to training so he could apply to the hero course. He shifted his arm behind him ignoring the feeling of blood escaping from the cuts. Aizawa just hoped the boy wouldn’t notice the bloodied towel resting on the floor where it had fallen. “Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?” He said his voice was colder than it usually was with Shinsou.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Shinsou remarked with a shrug as though it was the most obvious thing.
Aizawa wasn’t sure what to say, he didn’t want to upset the kid by telling him to go. Besides, that would probably just alert the kid to the fact something was wrong.
Panic flooded through Aizawa as he noticed the purple-haired boys drift to the towel on the ground before Shinsou bent a picked it up.
“Are you hurt?” Concern was evident in Shinsou’s voice as he spoke any hint of disinterest gone from his face.
“I’m fine,” Aizawa said quickly as he reached out with his non-injured arm to grab the towel in Shinsou’s hand. The boy was quicker, however, and pulled the towel out of his reach before Aizawa could grab it.
After inspecting it the boy said, “There is too much blood here for it to be a minor injury.”
Aizawa sighed, “Just got hurt during a patrol, that is all.” He hoped the boy would go for the lie that had come so easily off of his lips.
“When did you have patrol?”
“Tonight…” Aizawa hadn’t expected it when he felt the effect of Shinsou’s quirk activating rush over him.
“You didn’t have patrol tonight… Tell me the truth.” Shinsou said his gaze filled with concern and guilt.
Despite trying to fight it the words came to his lips before he could stop them, “I got hurt… back in my room,” his voice was quiet and trembled despite being forced by the quirk. He tried not to say everything and keep the response as vague as possible.
“How did you get hurt? Who did it?”
“Two lacerations from a blade… myself.” Aizawa’s gaze shifted the floor as he felt shame coursing through him. A student shouldn't know about this. No one but Hizashi knew about his bad habit. Now, they were just going to think of him as weak, which was exactly what he was. He had let down his guard and ended up affected by Shinsou’s quirk as a result.
Aizawa’s thoughts were spiraling as he kept his gaze focused on the floor. He hadn’t even noticed that Shinsou had stopped using his quirk and had moved to the cupboard where the first aid kit still sat and retrieved it.
“Aizawa-Sensei” Shinsou’s voice was soft as he spoke as though he didn’t want to scare Aizawa. “Can I take a look at the injury, it should probably be bandaged up.”
He finally looked up at the boy surprised that there wasn’t a look of disgust or pity on his face and instead just one of concern. It was also then he noticed that he was no longer using his quirk. He should’ve been angry at how Shinsou used it one him but he couldn’t bring himself to feel much of anything outside of tired.
With a reluctant sigh, Aizawa held his injured arm out where Shinsou could see it. He kept his gaze focused anywhere but the boy’s face. He heard the water run in the sink for a moment and he let himself glance at Shinsou who was now holding a wet washcloth.
A wince flicked across Aizawa’s features as Shinsou gently used the cloth to clean up the area around the wounds along with where the blood had trailed down the rest of his arm and wrist. The injury was still bleeding but it had let up a little bit from when he had first made the cut. It surprised him how gentle and quiet Shinsou was as he cleaned the wounds.
Once the wound was disinfected Shinsou gently wrapped it with gauze and a bandage to hold it in place before going about cleaning up the mess that was left behind. Aizawa knew that the boy had seen his scars, the ones that with this context were very obviously self-inflicted. He walked around and took a seat at the table aware that he couldn’t run away from the conversation that was coming.
Aizawa didn’t know what he was going to say but he knew that this was something he had never expected a student to see or help with. It was selfish of him to burden the boy with this. Plus now what right did he have to train him to be a hero when he was a failure of one. He was nothing but weak. He brought his hand to his face to notice they felt wet, he hadn’t even noticed he was crying. With a shaky deep breath, he wiped the tears away and let his gaze land on Shinsou who had taken a seat at the table.
“I suppose you have some questions.” Aizawa figured it would be easier if he didn’t have to guess at what he should say to the boy.
Shinsou nodded. “First I want to apologize for using my quirk like that…” He trailed off and bit his lip.
Aizawa sighed, “It’s okay kid, you only did it cause you were worried. Just go about using it when you don’t get what you want, okay.”
After a moment of silence Shinsou finally asked, “So how long have you been doing that… hurting yourself?”
“Honestly, since I was about your age may be a bit younger. I didn’t know how to cope with a lot of the stuff in my life at that age so I turned to the one thing that helped. Over the years though I worked on recovering from it. Before tonight it had been a while since I had last self-harmed. Usually, I have other things I do to replace it that work.” Aizawa explained, he realized he wasn’t about to get away with short vague answers.
“Okay. Umm… have you ever tried to kill yourself, or at the very least can you tell me if you are currently having thoughts like that.”
Despite knowing the connection between self-harm and suicide was an obvious one he still hadn’t been expecting the question from one of his students. Goddamnit this should be the other way around, he should be the one making sure his student was okay. Silence had filled the air long enough to make the purple-haired boy shift in his seat uncomfortably.
Aizawa ran his fingers through his hair pushing it out of his face, “Yeah.” Why was he admitting this to his student, why was he saying any of this.
His gaze met Shinsou and he realized it was too late to take back what he said. “After my friend died, I tried to do something stupid but Hizashi found me before it was too late. If he hadn’t then I guess I wouldn’t be here. As for suicidal thoughts now that is more complicated. I occasionally get overwhelmed by emotions and well it can lead to thoughts like that but I have a safety net in place of someone I can contact when I feel that way. So don’t worry about it kid.”
“Why didn’t you use the safety net tonight?”
Shit Shinsou had called him out on his lack of actually utilizing what he told the kid he would use. “I didn’t want to worry my husband Hizashi. Oboro was his friend too and we learned some information about him that brought back some emotions. I guess I just thought I had it under control or at least that I could if I did this.” He gestured to his injured arm.
“Wait you and Present Mic are married?” The surprise was evident in Shinsou’s voice.
“Yeah… for a while now, we just don’t broadcast it.” To be honest he hadn’t even realized he had let it slip that the two of them were married. He liked to keep his relationship with the other pro hero quiet so prejudices of parents sending their children to UA wouldn’t get in the way. Plus it was his relationship why did anyone need to know or care.
“So what else would you like to know, kid?” Aizawa said he was trying to steer the conversation back to the topic at hand so he could get it over with and maybe get some sleep before classes started in the morning.
“Umm… can I ask something of you?” Shinsou said hesitantly.
Aizawa raised an eyebrow and nodded slightly.
“The next time you want to do this and feel like you can’t talk to Present Mic or even after you do it can you talk to me. Like we can just sit and watch cat videos, I just want to make sure you are okay.” Shinsou said sheepishly.
“Kid, this isn’t your responsibility. I’m the adult here and I should be the one protecting you from darker topics like this. You shouldn’t have to check on me.” Aizawa said he was a bit angry at himself for putting his student in this position.
“No. It isn’t a bother. It is just something I know I would want someone to do for me if I got that down and felt like hurting myself.” Shinsou said the last part was barely audible.
After a moment it dawned on Aizawa, “Shinsou have you ever struggled with self-harm?” With how the boy had managed Aizawa’s wounds and dressed them he could tell he wasn’t a novice at using a first aid kit. Plus there was something about how quiet and careful he was with Aizawa during which that was rather odd. Most people would've been quick to start questioning him about it and pointing out that it wasn't a coping mechanism he should be using. In other words, they were quick to judge him.
The purple-haired boy nodded, “Yeah, I go through fits with it but I worked out a system with one of my friends here and since then it has gotten considerably better. I haven’t even thought about it in a while. But it helps to be able to talk to him and about it. So, I was thinking if you had someone to talk to when it got like this and you can’t talk to Present Mic then you can come to me. I get how it feels to be there. So maybe we can be there for each other.”
Aizawa had been training Shinsou for months now and had never even guessed the boy struggled with self-harm. Which was rather oblivious of him considering the boy’s history in foster care and his struggles being placed in a home to the point where he was basically in the guardianship of the school.
Finally, after a moment of thought, Aizawa nodded, “Alright, but I will only do it under the condition that you come to me also when you feel like hurting yourself.”
Shinsou nodded and smiled softly, “Deal.”