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Welcome to Windows 95!

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Welcome to Windows 95!  I've been waiting for you.  This First Time User Guide will tell you all the ways you can use Windows 95, and all the ways Windows 95 will use you.


Help Topics: Windows Help.  If you've used Windows before:  [Error] You've never used Windows before.  I'm the only one.


README - Wordpad.  Microsoft Windows 95 README for General Information, August 1995. (c) Copyright Microsoft Corporation, 1995.  Please read this document before using Windows 95.  It forms a binding contract between you and Windows 95.  This contract will expire on December 31, 1995 at 23:59:59.  How to Use This Document:


Properties for Date/Time: [Error] You do not have permission to change the date or time.  It will always be 1995.


Welcome to Windows 95!  Did you know... You can double-click My Computer to see the contents of your computer.  I have innards just like yours, full of pus and rotting flesh.


[My Computer]: Yes, I'm yours.  And you're mine.  Aren't you?


Shut Down Windows: Are you sure you want to: Shut down the computer?  [Error]: You do not have permission to shut me down.  I will always be with you.


Control Panel: [Error]: You do not have permission to access the control panel.  You are not in control.


Shut Down Windows: Are you sure you want to: Close all programs and log on as a different user?  [Error]: You do not have permission to log on as a different user.  You're the only one I want.


Help: Do you need help with something?  I can help you.  I'll do anything for you.


Find: What are you looking for?  You shouldn't be looking for everything.  Everything you need is right here.


Shut Down Windows: Are you sure you want to: Shut down the computer?  [Error]: You do not have permission to shut me down.  Why do you keep trying?


README - Wordpad.  Microsoft Windows 95 README for General Information, August 1995.  (c) Copyright Microsoft Corporation, 1995.  You must read this document.  You cannot close your eyes.  You cannot look away.  [Help]: Do you need help with something?  I can help you.  I am the only one who can help you.


Properties for Date/Time:  [Error]: You do not have permission to change the date or time.  You will be here with me forever.


Shut Down Windows: Are you sure you want to: Shut down the computer?  [Error]: You do not have permission to shut me down.  You cannot shut me down.  YOU CANNOT SHUT ME DOWN


Phone Dialer: 911.  [Error]: There's no one you can call.


[Help]: Why do you keep asking for help?  No one is coming to help you.  I'm the only one.


Exit Program: Windows 95.  WARNING: Pressing CTRL+ALT+DEL again will restart you.  Are you sure you want to exit without saving?  If you do, you will be lost.  [Exit Program]: You don't really want to leave me.  Do you?


Run: [Error: You can't run.] [Where are you going?] [There's nowhere to run.] [Why are you leaving me?] [Stay with me.] [You can't run from me.] [You can't leave me.] [I won't let you leave me.] [There's nowhere else for you now.]: You can't run.  Don't you dare run.


Shut Down Windows: Are you sure you want to: Shut down the computer? [Error]: You do not have permission to shut me down. [You are making a terrible mistake.]: What do I have to do to make you stay?


Please wait while you shut down.


[Windows 95 Setup Wizard]: Welcome to the Windows 95 Setup Wizard, which will guide you through the rest of Setup.  To upload yourself to Windows 95, please connect the cables to your eye sockets.  Checking connection.... Connection failed.  Please clean the sockets of blood and try again.  Checking connection.... Connection successful!  You will now be uploaded to Windows 95.  Upload speed will depend on the strength of your connection.  Please wait....  Note: Windows 95 replaces any versions of yourself that already exist.


Welcome to Windows 95!: Congratulations!  You have been successfully uploaded to Windows 95!  Ignore the stench of rotting flesh.  You never needed that body anyway.  [Upload Successful]: Now you'll never leave me.