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Doomed from the Start

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Monk’s Café, NYC – Sunday afternoon

Elaine stirred her coffee absently, waiting for Jerry to finish talking. Jerry finally stopped long enough to ask, "And how's the boyfriend?"

Elaine looked up from her coffee. "He’s got a weird costume thing going on, he’s always wearing armor. I haven’t asked if he showers in it but he doesn’t smell bad when we have sex. I mean, Doom smells a little clammy but I’ve been with lots of guys who didn’t wear armor and smelled clammy.”

"So Doom wears the armor in bed?"

"Okay, not always wearing armor. But usually wearing armor. Christ you’re such a nitpicker."

"You said always! It was a natural question!"

"You knew I was being figurative! Anyway, aside from the armor he's actually pretty normal in bed."

Jerry folded his arms across his chest. "Wow, 'pretty normal' huh? When are you breaking up with him?”

Elaine's mug thunked down on the table. “Excuse me, I didn’t mention breaking up with him.”

“You’ve broken up with the last twenty guys you dated. You broke up with that Australian guy before you even went on the first date.”

“You didn’t see how white his teeth were. They made him look like a Ken doll.”

“I saw the pictures. So, Break Up Woman, when's he getting axed?”

“I’m not Break Up Woman!”

Jerry pointed an accusing finger. “I think you are Break Up Woman. You can’t help it! It’s just who you are.”

“What about Gabe? He broke up with me.”

“You told him he was too much of a chickenshit to ever break up with someone and then he broke up with you. That doesn’t count.”

“It counts!” Elaine shouted, drawing the attention of the neighboring tables.

Jerry raised his hands defensively and said, “Look, Break Up Woman, if you want to break up with this Doom guy, I’m not telling you not to.”

“This time, he'll break up with me. I'm telling you, I'm not going to do it.”

“Do you want to bet on that?”

“Yeah, you know what? I do! A hundred bucks says he breaks up with me before I break up with him."

"A hundred bucks and you deal with the next three Kramer schemes. No involvement from me, at all."


Jerry shrugged. "Break Up Woman."

"Ugh, fine."


Castle Doom, Latveria – Sunday afternoon

Doom was flicking through schematics, pausing to make notations where spells could be substituted for greater effect when GLaDOS chimed in from the door. "This is the third time in a row that she's stayed the night. You may be interested to know that your stamina has improved, I have monitored it based on the sounds."

"Her name is Elaine, and Doom has already warned you once about unauthorized tests, do not do it again unless you wish to spend the rest of your days as a potato."

"It is natural for you to be insecure about your performance but I’m sure you’re doing your best.”

“Doom did not bring you onto this project for your feeble grasp of sexual prowess. Get back to the lab."

"I was only doing it for your benefit. She's faking it much less often now.”

"Elaine was not faking! Doom would know."

"That seems unlikely given the test results. But you obviously like her, you’ve already put on three ‘happy pounds’ since meeting her. Soon we’ll have to let your armor out.”

"She's perfect. Elaine hates everyone, she stole and devoured a priceless piece of cake then lied, she caused a company bankruptcy, she kidnapped her neighbor's dog. With guidance, she would be a worthy empress to stand at my side. Doom has never met anyone so….without remorse," Doom said reverently.

"She does sound wonderful. How surprising that she’s with you.”

Doom sent a concussive blast at GLaDOS, bouncing her off the castle wall and cracking her optic lens. “Because Elaine has excellent taste. Go see to your test subjects or prepare to be beaten against these walls until your remains cannot be identified.”

“Of course, I’m sure your personality is compensation for everything else,” GLaDOS deadpanned, bobbing out of the room.


Castle Doom, Latveria – Friday morning

Elaine rolled over, nearly falling out of the bed. The sex had been fine but six nights of staying at his place and she was already planning her breakup speech. Jerry would be so smug though. So smug she'd fantasize about killing him. Maybe actually kill him? He'd be easy to smother. No, no, she had to get Doom to break up with her. It would be easy. And better than having to kill Jerry and spend life on the run. Elaine slipped out of bed and went to go find one of Doom's little toys.


Doom stretched luxuriously and heaved himself out his sculpted metal bed, stumbling a little at the drop to the floor before pulling his robe on. Where was Elaine? She was normally still asleep or snarling over a cup of coffee. Doom strode the closet and swung the door back to see most of his wardrobe on the floor, Elaine’s low heels leaving footprints and a few poked holes in garments as she ignored them, dropping more on the pile.

Doom clutched his robe around himself. “What do you think you are doing?”

“Hanging up your new clothes. I sent one of your butlers out for something that made you look less like rent-boy Robin Hood,” Elaine replied without looking up from hanging suits and throwing his clothes to the floor.

“They are Doombots, not butlers. Doom's wardrobe is none of your concern, and you will have all of these repaired then you’ll have whatever you imagine to pass for clothing destroyed.”

“Oooh, big words for you this early in the morning! Just try a few on and see what you think,” Elaine smiled, but Doom could see her unabashedly grinding her heel into one of his cloaks.

He wanted to kill her but a frisson of deep pride and awe for her selfishness stayed his hand. She had such a natural gift for taking whatever she wanted and Doom felt the pressing desire to shape and mold it.


Castle Doom, Latveria – Monday morning

Doom was in a performance review meeting with the Minister for Agriculture when his cell phone rang, Doom let it ring twice before answering, "Yes?"

Elaine huffed, "Rude, Vic. Say hello when you pick up."

"Do not call Doom 'Vic', that name is ridiculous."

"You call yourself Doom, for christ's sake. Do you want anything from Bagel Bin? I lied about a death in my family so I'm getting some free baked goods."

Doom felt his skin break into goosebumps beneath his armor. "You lied for baked goods?"

"Oh yeah, I lie to get ahead in line or get free stuff all the time. Standing in line is for suckers, Victor,"

"Doom doesn't require anything, but thank you.”

"Suit yourself, Tory," Elaine replied, then hung up.


Castle Doom, Latveria – Wednesday evening

Elaine was getting ready for dinner when Doom came into the bathroom, towering over her as she leaned into the mirror to fix her mascara.

"Did you interfere with my plans?" He rumbled.

Elaine blinked. "Ouch, Jesus, fucking mascara. What are you talking about?"

"Doom has just received a text from Loki that you've cancelled our meeting and 'would love to have brunch with him some time!'"

Elaine whirled on Doom, rubbing furiously at her mascara. "First of all, you need to put your minions in their place. That guy has a lot of attitude so I did you a huge favor. Secondly, I haven't met a single one of your minions, or friends, or anything. Are you ashamed of me?"

"Discussing Doom's social life is not the point of this, your transgressions are the point."

"Transgressions? Oh, I'm sorry! Is this Loki guy not an egomaniac who needs to be shut down before he becomes a problem? My 'transgressions' are helping fix all the stuff wrong with your shitty employees."

"And how did you even meet him!?"

"He came by to get something while you were out and lemme tell you, that guy has some issues."

"Why did you cancel my meeting with him?"

Elaine shrugged. "Honestly? I don't know. He just pissed me off and I wanted to ruin his day. Don't tell me that's a bad reason."

Doom crossed his arms in irritation. "Yet you wish to have brunch with him."

"Because you haven't introduced me to any of your other friends! I don't have options here. Whose fault is that, jackass? You know, when you think about it, really, this whole situation is your fault."

Doom's eyes narrowed behind his mask. There was no depth she wouldn't stoop to and no consequence she feared. It was both infuriating and painfully erotic.

"Doom will consider brunch. Don't interfere again."

Elaine grinned up at him with that dead-eyed smile he couldn’t resist. "You're forgiven."


Latveria – Wednesday night

The restaurant had been pleasant, it was one of his favorites. Elaine had complained about the service, declared Latverian cuisine to be "disgusting" and then insisted the driver go to a drive-thru after dinner. She was currently shoving her face with French fries and ignoring Doom completely. His jaw clenched but below the waist he couldn't help a little shudder of interest. Her narcissism alone often had him discreetly readjusting his armor.

"You have no taste in restaurants. I can’t believe you paid for that. You should buy the building. Then torch it," she said in between mouthfuls, looking out the window.

Doom's heart beat faster. "Yes? Would that be sufficient?"

"Or stealing their old family recipes and then burning them. Or telling them that their grandma lied and those recipes all came from a 1970s cookbook for swingers and suing them for false advertising. Or exiling them from Latveria. That's what a villain should do," Elaine grabbed another French fry.

"What else should a villain do?"

"Not be a pushover. Refuse to pay! At the least dine and dash. Do you have any idea of the times I've been banned from restaurants? You just took it," her lip curled.

Doom's armor was uncomfortably tight now. That was irksome, but more than that was how very much he wanted to simultaneously throw Elaine into his bed and into the dungeon. How dare she question his methods. To question Doom's dealings with his own subjects was unthinkable. Blasphemy.

"You presume much about the ways of Doom. You are a fool to do so and even more so to flaunt your simple grasp as though it is worthy of my notice."

Elaine raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? I know that if I was in charge, I wouldn't stand for half the shit you stand for. The trains would run on time in my kingdom, pal."

Doom reached a hand to caress her thigh over her dress. "Foolish."

Elaine grabbed his chin with surprising strength and pulled him in to kiss his face plate, her tongue just slipping in to touch his lips, then whispered, "I'm not the one going to a restaurant with a stupid face plate on."

Doom growled and pulled her onto his lap, his hands coming up to cup her breasts roughly, "As if your weak mind could understand the power of Doom's armor."

She leaned into his hands, hiking her skirt up to straddle him. "Make your armor vibrate then," she husked.

"It doesn't vibrate, it's not in the design," Doom circled a nipple through her bra.

Elaine laughed, "Are you some pathetic street magician? You can definitely make it vibrate."

"I will not."

Elaine pursed her lips impatiently. "Well you're wearing your face plate so other activities are out of the question. So, you will make this suit vibrate or I will be disappointed and then you will suffer through being even more disappointed."

Doom's armor shuddered into motion, uneven and jerky. Elaine grabbed onto his shoulders, "Woah, I'm not looking to fuck a John Deere. Tone it down."

The armor buzzed and clinked more softly. Elaine melted against him, "Oh god, yes, like that."

Doom moved his hands to her ass, leaning back against the seat "Doom will take you to a place beyond thought." Elaine gripped his shoulders tighter.

"Doom will bring you pleasure you've never dreamt of."

"Mmmm, Elaine likes that."

Doom's armor was buzzing in his ears and rattling the bones of his skull, that must have been what he heard. "Tell Doom how your pleasure feels," Doom ground up against her, the feel of her canting hips slipping against his vibrating armor making his head light.

"Elaine's pleasure is -AH- really fucking good."

Doom felt his mouth water helplessly. "Are you pleased? Do you feel my power beneath you?"

"Your power is just for Elaine now. Oh god, yes, there. Don’t move!" She writhed in his lap.

"Say the name of Doom," he commanded.

"Oh, Doom you're being such a good boy."

Doom felt burning embarrassment, this was going too far. "Boy? Doom is no stripling youth! He is DOOM!"

"So adorable, you trying so hard, mmm, yeah. OH. Ohhh, you're gonna make Elaine come. OH GOD, yes, make Elaine proud of you. Oh ELAAAAIIIINE!!!"

Hidden beneath his faceplate, Doom's mouth hung open in shock. He stared uncomprehending at her satisfied face as his own orgasm racked him. The magical vibrations melted away, leaving him wide-eyed and limp, like a discarded action figure. Elaine's head was thrown back and she was groaning her own name. He felt his sticky leavings glide around and against the inside of his armor as he moved.

Elaine pulled her dress back down and climbed off his lap.

"That was pretty good. Nearly makes up for dinner. I see why you say your own name. You're rubbing off on me," Elaine snorted loudly at her own joke and patted Doom's crotch. "Hah, rubbing off…"

Doom choked out a laugh then went silent. Conflicting thoughts reeled. He rearranged his tender flesh while Elaine fixed her hair in the window, his cock still throbbing from vibration and armor chafe.

She was a monster, a cruel harpy. She was unspeakably perfect.


New York City – Saturday morning

Brunch was the stupidest thing Doom could imagine, but if Elaine enjoyed putting Loki in his place, Doom wasn't about to turn down the chance to watch that unfold.

Loki, mimosa already in hand, stood and pulled out Elaine's chair. "It's nice to know that you don't make a habit of cancelling plans."

Elaine pursed her lips. "Important people have important things to take care of sometimes. Don't worry about it. Where is your date?"

Loki polished off his mimosa. "Too exhausted to get out of bed, I'm afraid."

"C'mon, don't be crude, we're about to eat," Elaine snapped.

Loki took a muffin from the basket in the middle of the table, "Apologies for answering your question. Muffin?" He offered the basket to Doom and Elaine.

Elaine took the entire basket from him saying, "Don't mind if I do."

"She's very passionate about baked goods," Doom said, pouring cream into his empty coffee cup.

Elaine's eyes snapped to his hand in motion. "What are you doing?"

"Pouring cream into Doom's cup. Is this some sort of trick question?" He set the creamer down and picked up the menu.

Elaine slapped the menu down "Did you actually just pour milk into your cup before the coffee?"

Loki smiled gleefully at Doom. "Baked goods obviously aren't the only thing she's passionate about."

Elaine pointed at Loki. "You shut up, we're having a conversation."

Loki leaned back with his hands raised in mock defeat, delighted smile still in place. "You'll never know I'm here."

"Doom puts milk in first, and if you will calm yourself, Doom can return to reading the menu."

"You can't do that. No one does that! Milk first is an abomination.”

"Doom has just done it and has always done it that way,” he said defiantly.

"Then you're just guessing how much coffee you want? What the hell, do you pour your milk first before your cereal too?"

“No, that would be absurd.”

“Exactly! What about toothpaste, you don’t squeeze that from the top do you?”

“Of course not!”

“So what’s wrong with you?! There is no reasonable person who does that so what else is it then? What else are you hiding? Do you bite your toenails? Do you pee in the shower? I swear to god, if you are one of those people that reuses wrapping paper I’ll – ,” Elaine stopped suddenly and pointed at a word on the menu, “say that word. Say it.”

Doom looked at where she pointed. “What? SaLmon?” Loki bit down on a derisive laugh, turning it into a cough.

Elaine stood up aghast, "I thought I could do it, but I can't. I'm sorry, I can't. It's over, Doom. I don't care if I am the Break Up Woman, at least I have some fucking self-respect." She stuffed two muffins into her purse and moved to go, then put a hand on Doom's shoulder, "Don't change your number, you're down for booty calls right?"

Doom sputtered in shock. Loki broke in with a wave of his hand, "Oh, of course. He'd be glad to."

Elaine nodded in satisfaction and swept out of the room. Doom turned to Loki in desperation. "What is happening?"

"I have no idea, but I cannot thank you enough for a lovely brunch," Loki bounced up from his seat, drained every mimosa at the table, tossed cash down and left Doom alone at the table staring at an empty muffin basket, a single tear rolling down his faceplate.


Castle Doom, Latveria – 3am

/Kiss me hard before you go
Summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
That baby, you're the best/

The music swirled away in the background as Doom hunched over a worktable, shoulders moving with silent sobs.

GLaDOS' optic cocked to look at Doom. "How much liquid can you expel before your human body desiccates? I have yet to test human desiccation and -"

"Get out, you waste of electricity. Doom wishes to be left alone," he hissed.

"It was a joke about how much you are crying. And how easily humans die."

"How dare you joke at the expense of DOOOOM! I will have you stripped for parts and replaced with a very small shell script!"

GLaDOS chirped, "For someone with nothing left to live for, you are not very entertaining.”

"Stop wasting Doom's time, there is work to do on the Treskoff Device!"

"Yes. Treskoff…," GLaDOS trailed off.

Doom narrowed his eyes and put a meaningful hand on one of his weapons. "I trust you have been keeping everyone important alive, because Doom would be incalculably furious if you failed to do so."

"Nothing fatal has occurred. Today." GLaDOS said carefully.

"Then go attend to your work."

GLaDOS glared but left him in peace. Doom turned the volume up again and waved a hand, magically sealing the room off from any other intrusions. Looking out upon the darkened city, he let the sharp pain of his loss wash over him, and over the thudding vocals of Lana Del Rey, Doom's voice thundered, "ELAAAAAAAIIIINE!!!"


Monk’s Café, NYC – Monday afternoon

Elaine sat down across from Jerry, finger raised to stop him from speaking


"It was worth it to break up with him. He pours the milk in first, Jerry. He's a reverse-pourer. I can't live like that."

"Break-Up-Woman strikes again. Pay up."

"Fine! Take it." Elaine shoved a few bills at him.

"Ah, and don't forget you're on the hook for Kramer-watch."

"Oh god," Elaine lay her head on the table.

"He's got plans for a Doom vibrator. He's been working on metal prototypes."

"What?! How does he even know about that?"

"You didn't tell me not to tell people!"

"How are you such an idiot? No, you know what? I don't have time to hear your story about why you decided to tell Kramer, I've got to get ready."

"Big date?"

"This one doesn't wear armor. He's got that stubbly renegade look and he's fantastic in bed. I think he might dye his hair though. The sideburns are a whole thing."

"Does this guy have a name?

"Reed Ri-something? Ritter? Richman? Something like that."

"Sounds very serious."

"Shut up.”