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The tears wouldn't fall, although Subaru wished they would.
For so long he wished that he could be killed by Seishirou; killed by the person he loved the most, but now that wish would never be fulfilled. Seishirou was dead and it was all his fault. Subaru should have felt relieved, but all he felt was pain and sorrow.
He wished that they had more time together. It wasn't fair. Other people got to spend their entire lives with the ones they loved; Subaru only had a year and that year had happened so long ago. He wished he could go back to those innocent days when both Hokuto and Seishirou were alive. Back then the three of them were like a family; now, Subaru was the only one who remained. He was left all alone, it was his punishment.
The shock hadn't even warn off before Subaru knew he had to escape. None of the others would understand, not even Kamui. That was why he had fled. Besides, he was of no use to Kamui and the others anymore. He couldn't protect the world, he simply no longer had the ability or the desire to do it. For Subaru, the world had ended when Seishirou died.
Solitude brought little comfort. All it did was give Subaru time to think and relive that moment on the bridge when he realized that his arm was sticking inside of Seishirou and not the other way around. The last time Subaru had been so horrified was when Hokuto had died. The pain this time was different. The pain of death would have been kinder, that had been what he wanted, but it seemed like Subaru never got what he wanted.
Subaru didn't blame Hokuto for her spell. She had only been looking out for him. It wasn't her fault, Seishirou certainly had other killing methods. Seishirou had wanted to die that night and Subaru should hate him for it but he couldn't. He loved Seishirou too much. Loved him and didn't want to be alone without him. Even when they had been enemies, at least Subaru knew that Seishirou was out there thinking about him; he didn't have that now. Now, there was nothing.
Subaru had never expected that Seishirou would love him in return. Long ago he had convinced himself that Seishirou was incapable of love. He almost wished that had been the truth. It certainly would have made things easier in handling Seishirou's death. But Seishirou had loved him. Seishirou had no reason to lie with his dying words; words that only Subaru had heard. Words which made Subaru's heart ache since he now had to go forth into the world and be without the one he loved most.
Subaru didn't know how he would manage without Seishirou now. It would have been easier and kinder if Seishirou had told Subaru he hated him, even if it had been a lie. That however wasn't Seishirou's style.
Subaru no longer knew what he wanted. For so long he had been consumed by Seishirou. First, wanting revenge for what had happened to Hokuto and then, when he had admitted his feelings to himself, to be killed by Seishirou. Without Seishirou in his life, Subaru simply didn't know what to do. He was lost, scared and didn't know where to seek comfort; or even if he wanted comfort. A part of him felt like he deserved the pain.
All he knew was that he had to leave Tokyo. Get away until he found a way to keep going. He would go pay his respects to Seishirou. He didn't know how he knew, but he could sense that the sakura trees were blooming out of season.
That was where he would go to say 'good-bye'.
It was Fuuma who had given Subaru his new desire. Although Subaru could care less about Fuuma's goals, Fuuma had provided Subaru with the one thing he longed for; Seishirou.
Subaru didn't hesitate when Fuuma had offered him the eye. He wanted it, needed it, even if it meant accepting that he was the new Sakurazukamori. It was the only thing that remained of Seishirou. It was the only way that Subaru could keep going.
Staring into a small bathroom mirror, Subaru looked at his new eye. He hoped to see some sign of Seishirou but there was none. For a passing moment he wondered if he had made a mistake, before deciding that he hadn't. It was almost like an obsession, he needed Seishirou to be a part of him. He would die without Seishirou.
For the time being, Subaru was trying to avoid Fuuma. Although he agreed to support Fuuma that didn't mean that he would always be by Fuuma's side. Subaru preferred staying by himself; resting in ruined Tokyo buildings before moving onto the next place. He didn't sleep much at night and never stayed in one place for very long. He was plagued by nightmares of Seishirou's death, even though it had been unavoidable. When Seishirou made up his mind about something, no one could change it.
"You're looking good," a voice said from behind him and Subaru resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
Despite wanting to be left alone, Fuuma was determined to constantly bother him. There was little that Subaru could do to stop him since Subaru owed him one for the eye. Plus Fuuma always seemed to know where Subaru would be. It was scary how well Fuuma knew him; only Seishirou and Hokuto should have known him so well, but they were both dead.
"I don't feel good," Subaru replied. The only good thing about talking to Fuuma was it gave Subaru time away from his thoughts.
"Don't be depressed," Fuuma said in an attempt to cheer Subaru up. "This is what he wanted."
Subaru had heard it all before. How Seishirou wished to be killed by Subaru and wished for Subaru to accept his eye. It wasn't fair. None of Subaru's wishes had come true and all of Seishirou's had. Subaru wasn't even sure what he wanted anymore, except to be left alone but Fuuma was determined to not let that happen. Subaru was tempted to run away but he knew that if he did that Fuuma would only find him again.
Fuuma didn't understand what he was going through, no one did.. It was true that Fuuma killed his own sister and now opposed Kamui whom he greatly cared about, but that was different. Fuuma's heart didn't ache the way Subaru's dead. Hokuto was dead and now so was Seishirou. Subaru felt like a failure, for all his special gifts, he was unable to save both of them. It wasn't suppose to happen that day.
"We should go," Fuuma said and Subaru nodded his head.
Nothing would soon matter. Soon everything would be over and Subaru would finally have his peace. He wished he could be reunited with Seishirou and Hokuto then but he wasn't sure if that even was possible. For so long he had searched for Hokuto's spirit but he had never found her. Besides, Subaru didn't know what he believed anymore. It was a far cry from how things were when he was a child. Things had been so simpler back then.
Taking a deep breath, and one last glance at Seishirou's eye, Subaru turned from the mirror and followed Fuuma out of the dingy room. For Seishirou's sake, he promised to stand by Fuuma's side. He would fulfil that promise since Seishirou had wanted it.
A sad smile crossed Subaru's face when he realized that fulfilling Seishirou's wish was now his own wish. Some people might think he was being stupid for trying to please a dead person but Subaru didn't care. Those people hadn't known Seishirou. They hadn't known what it was like to be both loved and hated by him. The year they had blissfully spent together had been the best year of Subaru's life. He longed to go back to those days but there was no going back. All Subaru could do was move forward, no matter how painful it was.