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Chapter Text
Jared collapsed on to the grass at the end of the track, his face pale as he panted for breath. Chad eyed his friend with suspicion. “Come on, man. You tryin’ to let me win or something?”
“Jared shook his head, still struggling to get his breathing under control. “No way, dude!” he gasped. “I don’t hold back for no one, I’m just feeling, I dunno’. . . . It’s cool, I’ll be fine.” Chad didn’t look convinced and reached down to grasp Jared’s hand, pulling him to standing. “Well it’s too cold to stay out here longer than we have to, I hate January in England. I can’t believe we’ve been back three weeks already.”
“I can!” Jared muttered dryly. It had felt like three very long weeks since he and Jensen had made the long drive up from the West Country, most of the journey spent in silence. The things they had to say were too big for words. Promises of soon, and together and love that neither of them was ready to voice yet.
“Come on, dude!” Chad insisted. The persistent drizzle plastered their hair flat and made the cold seep into one’s bones and Jared knew how much Chad longed for the dry heat of home. Wearily he followed his friend back to the changing rooms. The cubicles were dank and muddy, smelling of wet teenager and the whole class tried to get dressed and out of there as quickly as possible. The PE teacher was a stickler for making them all shower after the lesson though, standing with his clipboard and ticking them all off his list as they rinsed off under the luke-warm water.
Jared shed his clothes quickly and hurried in with Chad not far behind him. As rapidly as possible he smothered himself in shower gel and was rinsing the suds out of his hair when he heard Chad gasp.
“Dude, are you checking me out? I thought you knew what a monster I’ve got,” Jared chuckled. “You are so gay!” Chad retorted automatically, “No, man what did you do to yourself, your leg?” Jared looked to see what Chad was talking about. A huge bruise was blooming across the whole of his thigh; another one discoloured his ribs. As he turned to look at his friends horrified face he realised that a third contusion marred his shoulder.
“Oh no please no, not again!” Jared practically ran from the shower and started to dress without bothering to dry off, clothes sticking to his damp skin.
Mr Elliott who had witnessed the whole incident left the last few stragglers to finish off alone and followed an anxious Chad to see what was wrong with Jared. He refused to talk to them though, just insisted that he needed to see Kripke. A wave of nausea and dizziness made him almost fall and Mr Elliott insisted that Chad take him straight to the infirmary. “I’ll send Mr Kripke to the infirmary to see you there.” He promised.
The school nursed fussed round Jared while Chad hovered anxiously. In a matter of minutes she had him wrapped in a blanket with a thermometer under his tongue. Chad was scared; he’d never seen his friend like this before, looking so small and defeated, even the loss of his Christmas vacation hadn’t left him looking like this. While she went to get Jared’s file he shifted in closer. “Dude, has someone been beating up on you? I swear I haven’t told anyone that you’re . . . you know.”
Jared shook his head, “Man, there’s no one in this place big enough to try and take me on,” he mumbled before spitting the thermometer out. “Ugh, I hate those things.” He looked again at Chad’s concerned expression. “You know I was ill, right? That I missed a couple of grades?” Chad nodded, “You never said what it was though.”
The nurse came back into the room looking troubled and Jared handed her back the thermometer. “This won’t help,” he said softly, “It’s . . . it’s come back, hasn’t it?” He turned away so as not to see the look of pity in her eyes.
“We can’t possibly tell that, Jared. We’ll need to get your parents back here. They’ll need to organize the proper tests and things.” Chad looked even more confused than ever as he tried to follow the conversation.
“No.” Jared said firmly, “I don’t want to worry them until we know for sure. Please, please could you just call my guardian, Je. . ? Mr Ackles? I could stay with him while we get the tests done and then I’ll call my parents when there’s something definite to tell them.” She gave Jared an appraising look, saw that he was looking stronger and steadier than when he’d first come in. “You go back to your room and have a rest while I call Mr Kripke and see what he has to say on the subject. Chad, you stay with him, please. Just until we know what’s going on. I’ll send your excuses in to the rest of your classes for today.”
Chad nodded and he and Jared made their way in silence back to their room. Jared slumped on the bed, exhausted by the morning’s proceedings. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” He swore softly, pounding his fist into the bed beside him.
“Dude, I wish you’d talk to me. You’re seriously scaring the shit out of me here.”
Jared closed his eyes and sighed. “Being sick is the crappiest thing in the world. People like her . . . they get these automatic rights over your body. Poking and prodding, injecting stuff in, pulling stuff out. I don’t know if I can go through it again.”
“Want me to come over there and give your pansy ass a hug?” Chad volunteered, trying to distract himself from the defeated tone in his friend’s voice. “Sure you’re not just pulling a fast one to get the gorgeous Mr Ackles to come and carry you away for a few days?”
Jared smiled at that. The one tiny light of hope in this whole crappy business was that it meant he might see Jensen again.
“I had Leukaemia, Chad. The tiredness, the bruises, being so out of breath. It’s all symptoms that it’s back. I really thought I was clear, y’know? I had my three year check last summer and everything was fine.”
“Fuck man, that’s . . . that really sucks!” Jared just nodded, unable to speak anymore but comforted by his friend’s presence.
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When Jensen arrived he looked almost as pale as Jared did. Jim had come with him to drive home so that Jensen could sit in the back of the car with Jared. They declined Kripke’s offer of a drink before they left saying they wanted to get Jared back and settled as quickly as possible and they had a four-hour drive ahead of them. Chad pulled Jared into a hug before he got into the car. “Man, you need . . . anything, just anything you call okay? My old man can afford it. Please?” Jensen had smiled at him gratefully. “I’ll take care of him Chad. But thank you. I know you’re a good friend. We’ll call you as soon as we’ve any news, okay?”
Jared had snuggled against Jensen drawing comfort in the older mans arms. The fear was overwhelming him. Making him feel choked and desperate and he was dizzy again. He couldn’t remember how he’d felt before, his Mom had noticed the bruises that time and had taken him to the doctor for blood tests. He didn’t remember actually feeling ill until the chemo’ started, then there were days when he wanted to die rather than feel as ill as that again.
“We’ve just got to get through tomorrow, Jay.” Jensen said softly. “We’ve got an appointment at the private clinic in Exeter the day after. They’re good there, we’ll get through this.” Jared nodded, not trusting himself to speak, drifting off as Jensen held him through the long drive home.
Jensen held the sleeping man in his arms as though he were made of glass. It would be a horrible twist of fate for them to lose each other now so soon after they’d gotten together. Even in his sleep Jared looked scared and Jensen would have given anything to take that fear away. Tenderly he let his fingers card through Jared’s hair, tracing the contours of his face. Jensen had longed to see Jared again but not at this cost, this was too high a price to pay for them to be together again.
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When they got back to the house Jared was sleepily compliant, allowing Jensen to take him upstairs and put him to bed as soon as they got there. He closed his eyes as Jensen undressed him; not wanting to see the other mans look of horror or pity when he saw the bruises that marred Jared’s flesh.
Once Jared was safely in bed Jensen looked at him hesitantly. “D’you want me to go back to my own room? I mean . . . will you sleep better. Not that I want to go or anything.” Jared grinned, the familiar sparkle back in his eyes. “If you leave me now I might just have to kill you! Or y’know get Chad to hire someone to kill you, whatever.” He scooted over on the bed a little. “You promised to look after me, you’re not going to be able to do that from your own room are you?”
Jensen smiled back, relieved that Jared was at least well enough to joke around. “’Kay, I’ll just go get something to eat and I’ll come on up again.” He leaned down then and kissed Jared for the first time since Christmas, heartbreakingly gentle at first, not wanting to risk hurting Jared but as Jared leaned into him hungrily he responded with increasing ardour.
Shakily he pulled away, “Jared, no . . . I . . . I’ll be back as quick as I can, okay. “ Jared looked sleepily content and he settled himself back onto the pillows. By the time Jensen returned with supper he was asleep again. Jensen ate his meal quietly with the television turned down low and then undressed to slide into the bed beside Jared.
He couldn’t stop himself from staring at the darkening bruises on his lover’s skin, horrified, not so much by the marks themselves but of what they might portend. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t want Jared if he were ill, these last three weeks without the other man had made Jensen realize how much he had grown to love him. Rather it was that Jensen didn’t know if he would be able to watch Jared suffer without wanting to blame someone, be able to punch holes in walls or kill something for making Jared feel the pain and fear.
Jared stirred beside him and Jensen rolled over to spoon round his lover’s back, marvelling again at how warm and perfect he was. As he put his arm round Jared’s waist Jared’s big hand came down to hold it in place. Whatever else was wrong, sleeping like this, holding each other like they were two halves of the same thing felt the most right thing Jensen had ever experienced.
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Jensen was woken by Jared hair tickling his thighs as Jared pressed feather light kisses into his skin, long fingers teasing Jensen’s length into a state of aching hardness in moments. “Fuck, Jared!” he moaned. “Good morning to you too, sunshine!” Jared teased before turning his attention back to the matter in hand.
As the memories of the previous day began flooding back Jensen tried to sit up and protest but Jared’s big strong hand pushed him firmly back down again. “I feel fine this morning, it’s cool. I want to do this, please.” Jensen lay back and submitted to Jared’s ministrations gasping as Jared licked a long stripe up the length of his cock then began to tease the slit with his tongue. “Oh fuck, Jared, please,” Jensen tried to push up into the enticing heat of Jared’s mouth but Jared pulled away, pinning Jensen back to the bed with his hand on Jensen's hip.
“Imma make you beg me,” he informed Jensen with a grin. “Gonna lick you and tease you and jack you so slow you’ll be crying.” Jensen’s breath hitched, Jared’s voice was all dirty, breathy drawl and Jensen knew damn well that he’d fulfil his promise.
As Jared swallowed down Jensen’s cock Jensen head fell back, he twisted his hands into the iron frame of the bed while Jared went to work. As Jensen began to feel close Jared would back off sucking and biting at Jensen’s hip, tonguing against Jensen’s belly button until Jensen was practically sobbing with need. “Ready to beg me yet?” Jared teased, before returning to lick and suck at Jensen’s cock some more, his finger teasing circles round Jensen’s ass until he didn’t’ know whether to drive himself back onto it or buck up into Jared’s mouth.
“Fuck yes! Please Jared, please now, 'kay? I’m begging, Jared, please.” He gasped breathlessly and was rewarded by Jared’s finger pushing into him, crooking round to find that sweet spot while he took Jensen’s cock as deep into his mouth as it would go.
When the stars cleared and he opened his eyes Jared was gazing at him with a satisfied smirk but there was something else in his smile too. Like he was storing up the image in his head, as though he might never see it again. “Get down here boy, now,” Jensen commanded hoarsely, “Please Jared, that was . . . fuck! I think you’re gonna kill me!” Jared lay down and pressed in close.
“Can I tell you something?” he asked hesitantly. Jensen tried to pull his orgasm-sated brain back into something that was vaguely coherent. “Of course, Jay. Anything.”
“Last time, I was so sick all I could think about was not wanting to die a virgin.” Jared closed his eyes and Jensen rolled over to face him, pressing a kiss to the side of his mouth. “
“It was after about the third or fourth chemo'. My white blood cells wiped out and I was in isolation. I was like fourteen I guess and I’d kinda figured out I was gay but . . . there was this other girl like me. She was sixteen and even sicker than I was. We’d talk at night when everyone else had gone home, she wasn’t scared of dying though, not like I was.”
Jensen held him close, unable to comprehend what Jared had gone through; feeling the fear that was making Jared tremble as he spoke. “They told her that they couldn’t do anything more for her and that night she came into my room. She had no hair then and her skin was shrivelled and her eyes were just big dark bruises but she was still the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.” He breathed quietly for a few minutes, his face pressed into Jensen’s neck. Jensen rubbed soothing circles on his arm, tracing delicately round the bruise that seemed to be spreading.
“She went home the next day and was dead within the month. But she didn’t die a virgin. And after that somehow she gave me hope. She was so fierce and passionate that night, like a star getting ready to explode.”
Jensen choked back a sob and Jared kissed him tenderly. “It’s not meant to be a sad story. I just wanted to tell you. My first time was born out of desperation and every time since has been an affirmation that I’m alive. But it’s always been selfish until now, about what I need, what I want. Yesterday, in the car, when you said ‘we’ll get through this’ it made me realize that if I am sick again it will be different, because this time I’m not alone.”
TBC!!!!!!