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Dog Catcher

Chapter Text


"That's me!" Beary Nice said cheerfully.


"That's me," Hot Dog Person said, sounding depressed.


Beary Nice and Hot Dog Person stood in the middle of a large pasture where several cows were grazing.

"Wow!" Beary Nice said, sounding impressed. "I've never tipped a cow before! Have you, Hot Dog Person?"

"What's that?" Hot Dog Person asked.

"It's where you go up to a cow, and make loud noises, and it tips over!" Beary Nice said. "It's supposed to be beary nice. Wait, that's me!"

"So we just go up to a cow and make loud noises?" Hot Dog Person asked.

"Yes!" Beary Nice said excitedly.

Hot Dog Person took a step towards the cow in front of them, but Beary Nice put out a hand to stop him.

"Silly Hot Dog Person, that's my cow! Yours is over there."

Beary Nice pointed to a cow with horns grazing grumpily on top of a hill. Hot Dog Person looked at it nervously.

"Are you sure about this, Beary?" Hot Dog Person asked.

"It has horns! That must mean it's super tippable!" Beary said cheerfully. "Go on and tip it!"

Hot Dog Person wandered over to the bull. Behind him, Beary began making noises at a cow, which ignored him and continued to graze. Suddenly, Hot Dog Person stepped on a twig, and the bull's head snapped up, instantly attentive.

"Um," Hot Dog Person said nervously. "Hi?"

The bull snorted, pawed the ground, and charged at Hot Dog Person.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Hot Dog Person screamed, just as the bull gored him, sending him flying. Hot Dog Person flew through the air and hit the ground hard. He got to his knees, groaning, just in time to get hit by another blow from the bull and get sent flying again.

"Boo!" Beary Nice said happily. He chuckled as the cow in front of him rolled its eyes. Behind him, Hot Dog Person continued to get tossed around like a ragdoll by the angry bull.

Hot Dog Person landed hard again and didn't even bother to try getting up. It didn't matter, since the bull lowered its horns and gored him again, sending him flying full-force into a tree trunk. Hot Dog Person groaned, but his eyes widened when he heard the sound of cracking wood.

"Oh no..." Hot Dog Person whimpered.

The tree started to tip over, but then stopped and fell back the other way, crushing Hot Dog Person against the ground. Slowly, it rolled over, completing a full turn and crushing Hot Dog Person again. It continued to roll, picking up speed as it headed down a hill until it was going incredibly fast towards a pile of TNT at the bottom of the hill.

When the tree hit the TNT, a massive explosion occurred, sending a burning Hot Dog Person flying. He screamed as he descended into a field of cacti. Luckily for him, he didn't land on a cactus. Instead, he came down on a trampoline in the middle of the field, which sent him soaring all the way into outer space.

Hot Dog Person floated in nothingness for a few seconds, just long enough for the flames to fizzle out. Then, he began descending again. Hot Dog Person screamed as he fell, in part from sheer panic but mostly because reentry had set him aflame again. He landed on the same trampoline, which once again flung him skyward, but this time Hot Dog Person slammed into the bottom of a jet. As he fell to earth, the engines on the jet began to falter.

Hot Dog Person landed heavily in a field of wheat. He groaned softly.

"Well," he said slowly, "at least that's over."

Suddenly, his eyes widened as he heard the sound of an engine. Before he could move, a tractor ran him over, sending chunks of Hot Dog Person flying through the air.

"It's another sad day at Madison Square Garden," the announcer said to an arena full of bored and unhappy basketball fans. "Sad, because the Knicks stink! With five seconds to go, they trail the Golden State Warriors 150 to 12, and let me tell you they deserve every bit of this beatdown! They couldn't beat a team of kindergarteners with the type of fight they show! I'd be surprised if they win another game this year!"

As soon as the announcer finished his rant, Hot Dog Person's chunks crashed through the roof and fell through the hoop the Warriors were defending. The Golden State players could only stare in astonishment as the chunks went through the hoop and splattered on the floor. When it all was over, the buzzer blared.

"I–I–I don't believe it," the announcer said, astonished. "Somehow, the Knicks have pulled off the comeback to win, 418-150! It's an amazing comeback for the Knicks! New York wins! New York wins!"

Madison Square Garden burst into rapturous applause. The audience got to their feet and swarmed the court, carrying off the basketball players, coaches, and waterboys on their shoulders. Soon, the arena was deserted except for the leftovers of Hot Dog Person.

It was then that the plane he had slammed into crashed into the arena.

The sun set over a field of grazing cattle. In the field, Beary Nice continued to make noises at an unamused cow that continued to ignore him. A burned, cut, scratched, bandaged, and scarred Hot Dog Person hobbled up to Beary Nice on a pair of crutches.

"Hi, Hot Dog Person!" Beary Nice said cheerfully. "Did you have fun?"

Hot Dog Person opened his mouth to respond. Before he could, the bull from earlier gored him from behind, sending him flying into a cow. The cow tipped slightly, then overbalanced and fell over directly on top of Hot Dog Person.

"You did it, Hot Dog Person!" Beary Nice said happily. "Your cow tipping is beary nice. Wait, that's me!"

Hot Dog Person's moan was muffled by the girth of the fallen cow. The cow lowed.

"Well, Hot Dog Person, this was a great experience," Beary Nice said. "I love cow tipping!"

Beary Nice grinned.