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“Hi Jody, I’m Sam, I was wondering if you...if you wanted to come over here to celebrate Christmas – yes sure bring the girls too and Donna” Sam passed a hand on his face and rested it through his long brown hair.
“he’s not fine, he’s- it’s way worse than the return from Hell I-I’m just hoping that having the whole family over will be a little step into fixing him back together”
December came faster than Sam expected.
The entire city was wrapped in a million of colorful lights: big ones hanged over the streets with shape of stars and Christmas trees and little ones scattered over every shop possible.
Sam loved this period of the year, he didn’t know why but it was like Christmas brought joy and warm feelings inside your chest and happiness although the freezing temperatures, the dangerous ice on the streets or the stress over Christmas’ dinner.
“How can you be still alive after all the sugar you eat every day, seriously you should be a giant candy by now” Sam snapped out of his thoughts hearing Claire’s voice, he turned around to see a hilarious scene: Gabriel with an inhuman (ah! The joke) quantity of candy cane in his arms, at least 10 boxes of muffins shaped into trees, gingerbread men shaped cookies, and last, two cakes where the tufts of whipped cream were put precisely around the character’s face forming a beard; the whole thing was in a bright contrast whit the red cream forming Santa Claus’ hat.
“Because I am not human my little version of motorbike Barbie, that’s why I can eat every candy in this world without becoming one” Gabriel’s smile only got wider at Claire’s pout while Patience was enjoying the show between the two.
“and because Samsquash want to pamper me after my long and traumatizing torture and recent death experience, my giant knight in a shining armor” Sam turned around facing an Archangel doing heart eyes to him and suddenly he felt his cheeks burning red.
“eww can we get over with this shopping thing? Netflix is waiting me”
“I’m sure Netflix it’s not a person Claire, how can it be waiting for you?”
Claire, Sam, Gabe and Patience turned around looking at Jack with his arms full of bags of foods.
“Is he serious? How can he be Lucifer’s son is still a mystery to me” Claire raised her hands in desperation while Patience looked at him “what’s all this?” Sam walked to Jack to help him putting his things in the shopping cart.
“Those seems ingredients for a dessert” Sam checked and noted flour, eggs, milk, peaches, apples, cherries and butter.
“Yes…I wanted to make something with Cas, is it okay?”
“sure jack, everyone will be happy with a decent dessert” Sam eye sided Gabriel while saying this “What? I’m considering myself offended Moose, I had a very beautiful plan on how to use this cake on you-“ Sam slashed a hand over his mouth “you’re still talking because you want me to kiss you, if you continue I’ll give all your candies to the first child I see”
Gabriel smiled like a Cheshire cat “naughty hunter, I bet Santa Claus hasn’t come over yesterday” Gabriel pouted while the girls along with Jack went to the cash register.
“Only one person is allowed to come into my room” Sam whispered with a little smirk and then put a kiss on the Archangel’s lips, soft and warm “and it’s not Santa Claus”
“I knew there was a reason I love you”
“C’mon lunch and dinner will not get ready alone” with their hands entwined, they reached the others, payed ant returned home.
“Jody we’re home! Jody-“a loud scream vibrated through the whole bunker making Sam and the others jump “what’s happening?” Claire was already pulling out her gun just to be stopped by a sad Sam “put away the gun, it’s Dean”
Sam reached Dean’s room, opened the door and saw Dean trembling like a leaf, with his skin covered in cold sweat, in Castiel’s arms while Mary was trying to relax him moving a hand on his back in slow circle motion.
It wasn’t the first time.
By now, it was three weeks that Dean had been released out of Michael’s control.
If Sam thought that Hell for Dean had been the worst experience he had had, the days post – Michael had proven Sam completely wrong.
Dean looked like a ghost of himself, he was skinnier, his skin was paler than ever and under his eyes there were dark circles and bags – a gift of sleepless nights – and his once bright and deep green eyes now were just spent and lifeless;
His voice got even lower, his vocal chords ruined by all the screams Dean made every day… in general he looked like a dead man walking.
He didn’t eat and if he did Castiel would wake up in the middle of the night finding him bent on the toilet throwing everything up.
Castiel usually would sit down next to him every time and waits until Dean was exhausted and empty.
He would laid down on the cold bathroom floor with Dean’s head in his lap for some time and then when Dean was asleep, the angel would get up and carry Dean’s body in his arms bridal style back to bed, covering both of them with the blanket and holding him tight, whispering soft words into his ear trying to chase away any nightmares.
Sometimes this wasn’t enough.
Sometimes Dean would woke up multiple times in a row screaming until his throat became dry and painful and most of the times Dean was so scared and under shock that even Castiel’s light touch on his shoulder would make him jump out of the bed.
Until the hunter would recognize the angel and, even If still under shock, would allow Cas to hug him and bring him back to bed.
The first time Sam saw this, he hadn’t slept all night even if Gabe tried to reassure him that time and love would have healed his big brother.
Sam that night thought that he had just lost Dean, that he would have never recovered from Michael.
That night was the only night he let himself cry to sleep in his Archangel’s arms.
“We’re going to put the groceries in the fridge and help Jody with lunch” Patience said calmly pulling Jack and Claire toward the kitchen “C’mon Claire, it’s not good for you to watch him now” with this, Patience got the girl away from Dean’s room until the chattering couldn’t be heard anymore.
“How is him?” Jody got up when she saw Gabriel entering the kitchen “Bad, really bad I- I really want to say that he’s getting better but he’s not, and I’m hating this situation because Cas and Sam are trying to hold on to hope but- he’s so broken that I’m afraid…I’m afraid he will never be the same again”
“you’re wrong.” Claire’s voice was firm, her eyes locked on the vegetables she was cutting just a minute before.
“I may had my hate towards him in the past but he’s one of the strongest men I know and after all the shit he’s gone through? If there is one man that can get out of this it’s Dean”
“Claire it doesn’t work like-“
“SHUT UP!”
Patience and Jack looked at the scene and decided to remain silent continuing to decorate biscuit while Jody opened her mouth but closed it soon after and then proceeded to walk to the blonde girl.
“Claire, I know it’s hard but you need to understand that there is the possibility of losing Dean, our Dean”
“I don’t want to lose him, I already lost my father if I lose Dean I will lose Cas too and I-I don’t- “a sob broke her speech and she closed her eyes.
She didn’t want to cry, she needed to be strong, she needed to be a rock for Castiel and for Jack…right?
Suddenly two strong arms pulled her into a warm hug, a calming hand caressing her curly hair “you won’t lose me Claire, not even Dean” Castiel’s voice was sweet and low, and Claire let go of all the frustration and tiredness in her body, breaking down and crying in the angel’s arms.
“let’s get you to the couch with a nice film mh? What do you say?” the blonde hunter nodded slowing and followed Castiel without letting him go: ten minutes later, she was cuddled against Cas with a hot chocolate glass between her hands and wrapped in a bright red blanket watching Home Alone for the hundredth time in her life.
“Okay I think the chicken is ready, go and wake Claire up” Jack followed Donna’s instructions but stopped soon after:
“Should I call Dean too?” Jody and Donna looked at each other without knowing what to say “No, Cas and I decided it’s best to let him sleep a little more” Sam walked into the kitchen the right moment nodding to Jack who walked to woke Claire up.
Sam went to the dining room and put the chicken on the perfectly decorated table, turning around he looked at the Christmas’ tree decorations with a little angel poking out hugging a human shaped peluche (supposed to be his brother).
He’s safe Sam, an angel he’s watching over him.
Gabriel’s comforting and understanding hand on his back snapped him out of his thoughts as the guests come into the living room to eat.
It was almost 4 pm when they heard Dean having a nightmare again.
Less traumatic this time but still a nightmare.
Cas and Sam along with Gabe helped him relax for another hour of sleep at least and returned in the living room.
“Mary do you know what is Dean’s favorite pie? I heard he likes them a lot” Mary smiled “a lot? He could easily win a pie eating contest that last all day” Claire mumbled from her second hot chocolate cup of the day “he likes all types of pie, but I think his favorite is the cherry pie, why?” Jack passed from a frown into a big and warm smile “I thought I could make one to make him happy again” Mary’s lips created a tiny smile again and put a hand on Jack’s cheek “I think it’s a wonderful idea my dear”
Jack got up and run to Cas “can you help me? I don’t know how to make a pie”
“Well me neither-“
“I can help you” Claire put her cup in the sink and turned around the two “I can’t believe heaven doesn’t do cooking course, this is some real tragedy” Claire looked at them “take the flour and the eggs, we must make the pastry first”
“okay now- oh my god what are you doing- no no first the butter and then the eggs” Jack did as Claire said, proud of himself while Cas prepared the cherries and the cherry jam.
“now you put the yolks inside the mix and then knead again- SLOWER FOR GOD’S SAKE YOU’RE NOT A VAMPIRE THAT CAN’T CONTROL HIS SPEED” Cas stopped and looked at her “sorry I’ve been hunting this past week, rough monsters never- EHI WHAT THE-“ a spoon of cherry jam fly right to Claire’s cheek making Jack laugh.
“This is for talking about monsters on Christmas day” his lips curled into a tiny smile looking at the girl expression “angel my ass, you’re a devil, what did this jam done to you?” “Already been the devil, didn’t like it, besides, the red suits you” the boys smiled at her but their smiles disappeared under the cloud of flour thrown at them “you want war?” Cas picked the jam and threw another spoon at her, ending up in her hair and then she covered Castiel’s hair with flour and Jack ended up being a giant cherry, all sticky head to toe.
Half an hour later, they were sitting across the oven watching carefully the baking of the pie – heart shaped because “it’s romantic Dad- I mean Cas…and deep down Dean is a big cuddly bear even if he doesn’t admit it, he will love it” Castiel had smiled at Claire’s words, sadly because Dean loved cuddles but now the hunter most of the times was terrified of touching him or even hallucinating for some minutes after Castiel wake him up from the nightmare of the night.
Castiel missed the peace that their now shared bed held under the sheets.
The angel was missing the good morning kisses full of warmth and the grumpy noises coming from the hunter before he let caffeine circulating into his body and their little stories about their past like Dean’s dream of becoming a fireman or Castiel talking about how Balthazar and Gabriel were the freaking nightmare of Chuck when they were just a bunch of feathers.
He terribly missed the good old times and he would have fight to have all of this back; he would have never left Dean’s side.
Especially now.
The room was completely dark, and it smelled like cinnamon, even if Dean was sure he didn’t eat nothing with cinnamon in months.
The hunter closed his eyes and tried to fill his thought with colorful lights and the voices he was hearing from outside his room.
This is mom talking with Donna, Dean smiled a little.
He then sits up and tiptoed to the bathroom slowly, almost as if it cost him an impressive amount of effort just to remember how to walk, to put a feet in front of the other and breathing because he may had stopped breathing a few weeks ago and was just relearn how to do it now.
He turned on the cold white light of the bathroom, watched himself in the mirror and almost crumbling down on the floor: he looked like a shell of himself, the once bright green in his eyes – they are the same color of Eden’s grass you know? Beautiful and pure, like your soul…maybe because you’re the personification of paradise Dean – now were a military green, empty and so broken that you could have counted every little piece shattered behind the surface.
He pulled off all his clothes and then he let the hot water of the shower cleaning his body and his mind.
He got out in a cloud of steam, returned in his room and opened the wardrobe: he wanted to dress differently, to start again, so he pulled out a warned deep burnt sienna turtleneck sweater – a gift from Mary as soon as he had been freed from Michael because it really brings out your eyes sweetheart - with a pair of dark grey sweatpants and then headed towards the door.
He tried to open it unsuccessfully, so he let his eyes falling on his hand: the weapon of one of two best hunter in the world, full of little scars and hidden calluses on the fingers was lightly shaking.
His room had been his bubble for two weeks, his safe space from the outside and the monsters and the blood that he caused while he was Michael: it was time to shatter it, to open the door and come back home, to all the people he cared and that took care of him in these days.
He opened the door, got out and finally, finally, he started breathing again.
“YOU SON OF A DEVIL! YOU JUST THROW ME A TURTLE TO WIN THIS ROUND” Claire was holding a joypad and was looking at Jack completely shocked; the Nephilim instead was wearing an amused grin without watching her.
“where the fuck did you learn to play Mario Kart?” Jack pointed a finger towards Sam and Gabriel who were playing chess while talking to Alex and Donna “they play at Mario Kart? Seriously?” Gabriel moved a horse, his furrowed brow showing the deep concentration he was in “it’s the only times where I beat that beautiful ass of Sam- “
“GABRIEL!”
“oh my God, too much information!” the archangel winked at her while the others blown up laughing when Sam hit him on the head with a journal.
Dean was leaning against the door looking at the scene: the whole room had like…a light, an indefinable light that screamed home and love all around it.
The fireplace warmed comfortably the room and at the same time created a sort of gold and red aura around the people in the room.
Dean walked into the living room of the bunker, slowly and with fatigue.
“and he only talked, you should hear them at night” Dean had a hand on a chair to help himself stand and the lips of his freckled face turned into a tiny smile.
“Dean! You should be in bed resting” Cas almost flied to his side as soon as Dean talked, putting an arm around his boyfriend’s hips and helping him walk “being alone for too much time it’s not for me…I needed distraction from- you know what and who“ he whispered this words with a broken voice – even if he tried to not let it noticed – while sitting on the couch near Alex and Donna.
Jody was on the verge of letting a few tears fall: Dean was so broken that neither his sarcasm could hide how shattered he was, you could literally see every nightmare, every mental torture inflicted by Michael, every scar, every fear just looking into his eyes.
You could literally count in how many pieces he has been broken.
“we understand” Cas kissed his temple helping him settling comfortably “do you want something to eat?” Sam came near Cas, who was crouching in front of Dean, with a hint of worry that became constantly in his expression in these two weeks.
“no, I’m good” the words were barely audible maybe because of Dean’s voice, lower than ever “just want to stay here and watch Jack beating up barbie’s motorbike ass” Claire made an offended gesture glancing at him “I’m gonna dracarys your Christmas gift mister I just want to cuddle with my angel on the shoulder” Gabriel made an impressive whistle “making tv shows quotes to get off your anger? I’m impressed”
Claire’s grin grew once she saw the hunter blushing a little “shut up”; even if Dean was joking and making sarcastic comments, they could see the veil on his face full of sadness and emptiness that would have taken months to at least decrease.
Jack looked at Cas, who pointed with his head at the kitchen, and then run to the oven: the pie seemed so delicious, the crust was a perfect shade of golden – brown and the redness of the cherry’s jam looked brilliant and so in contrast with the crust.
It looks so delicious.
“Dean will love it Jack” Cas had a soft smile and was looking at the boy with fond eyes.
Carefully, Jack took the pie and then walked out of the kitchen, with Cas at his side, towards Dean: Alex, Donna, Jody, Mary and Patience were the first ones to notice Jack coming with the pie in his hands and a tiny smile curved their lips at the gesture.
Sam and Gabriel stopped talking to Dean as Jack approached him with a big and proud smile “this is for you”
Dean looked up with big eyes “I knew it! I wasn’t dreaming the smell of cinnamon- when did you buy it- “
Jack frowned “we didn’t buy it, we made it” Dean looked at the boy with his mouth open “you what? “
“well, we all can see how broken you are even if you try to hide it and I wanted to make you feel better, so I thought of the day your mother cooked- what was it?” Mary let out a laugh "the pumpkin pie” “oh yes, the pumpkin one! And you were so happy that you talked about pies for half an hour and I thought maybe If I cook a pie he will laugh again, and maybe he will feel better, so I asked Mary your favorite flavor and then Cas and Claire helped me cook this cherry pie” the room was silent, and everyone had watery eyes looking at the lovely and warming heart scene in front of them “the heart shape wasn’t my idea though-“ “it was Cas’, because he’s a sap like you” Claire grinned widely noticing the lightly redness of the angel’s cheeks.
Dean didn’t know what to say; In all his life he had four years of purity and innocence when he was little, and the memory of a pie was one of the most beloved memory of his childhood.
This cherry pie, for Dean, brought back the lemon pies that his mother cooked through the long rainy days spent at the windows because he couldn’t go outside to play with other kids, and instead they stayed inside warming themselves in front of the fireplace with the pie, a warm cup of tea, and Lego towers to build.
This pie reminded him the first – and last - apple pie he ate: 6 May 1983, a few days after they took his little brother home with them: it became Sam’s favorite pie later.
It brought back the blueberry ones for Dean’s birthdays, the pumpkin ones for Halloween and the pecan ones for Christmas.
The pie, for him, symbolized family and home.
The home that one day burned to the ground, took away his mother (even if now was alive again), and destroyed what was left of his family.
Dean looked up at Jack and Cas with tears trapped between his eyelids, his lips parted and lightly trembling and after a few seconds he lowered his head, pulled them both in a hug and let his tears fall while hiding his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck.
Dean had never felt more loved that in this precise moment: he has a family that loves him and that wanted to take care of him, a broken, dysfunctional and crazy family but somehow stronger than heaven and for fuck’s sake this kid – Lucifer’s son, that luckily was the opposite of his biological father – fucking cooked a pie just to see Dean smile again and to try healing his broken heart and soul.
Mary smiled at the scene like everyone else in the room: how many things has Dean been through his life that she didn’t know about? How many times he had failed and then put himself together? How much their boys had suffered in less than 40 years?
Mary looked at his first son, recently possessed by an Archangel, sobbing into the arms of another angel.
She has been gone for 33 years, she was still blaming herself for the deal with Azazel, she had returned from the grave and made mistakes along the way of readapting in this new world like leaving and stealing the colt from a prince of hell.
Mary Campbell – Winchester hadn’t been the best of mothers since she came back, but since she was pregnant with his first son, she always had this belief: angels were watching over Dean.
She snapped out of her thoughts and the scene in front of her just confirmed what she always believed: Dean’s face was still hidden in Castiel’s neck, Jack was smiling – and holding the pie on Dean’s legs – even if Dean was literally strangling him in his hug; Castiel’s lips were curved into a fond smile while rubbing his fingers through the hunter’s hair.
Mary looked at Sam next to her with the same watery eyes as her and then Sam pulled her in a warm embrace still looking at his son.
Dean has found his soulmate, and even if he’s not okay, one day, with Castiel and this family that will take care of him, he will be because an angel is watching over him.
After what felt like hours and many photos later taken by a grinning - and soft inside - Claire, Dean got out of his safe place resembled in the form of his boyfriend neck crook, and wiped away his tears, trying to get a hold of himself.
“thank you” Dean managed to talk without letting his voice tremble, then he looked up at the others with a tiny smile “I would say to eat this pie, but you say that you helped?” he looked at Claire trying to remain serious “yes…why?” Claire looked at him suspicious crossing her arms on her chest “…is it safe to eat it?”
“I hate you Dean Winchester” she got up with a cute pout “where is your gift I wanna fucking Dracarys it-“ “the language!” Jody turned around trying to reach her “so you made me a gift miss I hate Christmas?” Claire stopped and turned around red like a tomato looking at an amused Dean Winchester and all the others trying to not laugh “I hate all of you” she sat down still pouting while the other girls and Donna hugged her “we love you too barbie motorbike” and with that they blown up laughing at Claire’s glance towards Alex.
“shall we eat it then?” Sam almost shouted “fucking yes!” Dean laughed for the very first time after Michael.
Many hours – and a dinner - later, they all sat down on the floor near the fireplace to open the gifts with warm cup of hot chocolate in their hands.
“sitting on the floor is not for me anymore, I’m getting old” Jody laughed while drinking her chocolate “still a wonderful woman my lady” Gabriel came near the woman doing a bowing, making Jody laugh
“I think your knight won’t be so happy about his archangel damsel getting all flirty like that with a stranger” Gabriel sat down and turned towards the sheriff with a diabolic smirk “Oh I like getting punished by my knight-“ someone clearing his voice made Gabriel silent: the archangel tilted his head back finding Sam Winchester in a deep green sweatshirt glancing at him with the ghost of a smile on his lips “are you talking about our sex life again?”
“If I say yes will you punish me?” Gabriel smirk grew wider while raising his eyebrows up and down
“you’re irrecuperable” Sam sat down shaking slightly his head “but you love this piece of candy” Sam smirked above his cup and then leaned towards Gabriel’s ear
“I love you so much that I’m getting angrier for a round of this candy”
“Well Merry Christmas to me” Sam laughed and then kissed his archangel, both with big smiles on their faces.
“get a room you two” Donna throw them a marshmallow laughing when Jack interrupted her.
“is this not a room? Why they should get a new one?” Claire turned around towards Jack with an indecipherable face “you’re joking right…? Oh my god you’re serious” Jody and patience laughed behind them “don’t be rude to him, he’s still learning human references give him time” Alex sat down near his sister with Claire’s gift in her hand “open your gift Goldilocks” the hunter ripped the red and gold Christmas themed paper and let out a scream “HELL YES! BRASS KNUCKLES- YOU WROTE BARBIE ON THEM?!” Gabriel blew up laughing seeing Claire’s reaction “well at least you’ll kill monsters with style” at this round everyone laughed, including Dean.
After the kids’ gifts, every adult already opened their gifts except Dean: after what they’ve been through, the hunter thought that nobody had had the time to buy him a gift, and for him it was fine: let the fun and excitement be for the kids.
But he was wrong.
All the kids – and adults - gave him something that wasn’t related to weapons and blood, they were more lucky charms and clothes.
“open it” Cas had a shy smile on his lips while everyone watched Dean opening his gift; once he ripped the paper, the hunter was holding a little deep blue box in his hand.
The entire room fell dead silent.
“hand me my 50 dollars Samsquash, he’s doing it!”
Dean’s cheeks were becoming red and his heart was racing faster and faster: was this…?
“It’s not a proposal Dean, that will be for another moment” Dean let out a breath – and maybe his lips turned down a little - he didn’t noticed he was holding while in background Gabe was whining about his lost 50 dollars.
Wait did he say that the proposal was really coming in the future? Okay heart, be still please, don’t let me die at Christmas.
Dean opened the box, pulling out a necklace with two mediums pendant: the first one, in silver, had a quote engraved on it while the second one was just a slab of different types of blue gemstones.
“It’s… fuck Cas, why are you such a sap?” Cas’ shy smile became a smirk “because you love it” Dean’s cheeks suddenly assumed a veil of red “Well yeah I love you” “aww-“Donna heart eyes were interrupted by Claire next to her “I’m getting a cavity Jesus” Alex poked her while Dean turned his face towards Cas again.
“thank you, this is beautiful but I don’t deserve things so precious Cas, I don’t…matter, I mean I’m a mess, Michael is free because of me-” Dean had his eyes glued on the necklace and some tears blocked between his eyelashes “we decided to celebrate Christmas here because of you, we’ve thought that being in your home with your family is what you needed to heal, to begin the process of put yourself back together” Cas’ voice was so soothing and low, for Dean’s heart it was like a medicine every time.
“this quote derives from Hebrew” Cas took Dean’s hands in his and took the silver slab with the word Tiqqun ‘Olam engraved in it and held it tight with Dean “it means fixing, it’s the popular Jewish concept of "mending the world” like you and Sam and all of us do” Dean tighten his grip on Castiel’s hand observing the black words.
“the second pendant is made by different types of blue gemstones with different meaning between protection and mending, and they’re all blue because- “
“because they would remind me of your eyes, of you, everywhere I’ll go” Dean whispered moved by the intricate and detailed and yet very simple meaning behind his boyfriend gift.
“I hope that it will help you to mend the scars you have, to help you healing your broken heart and your scared mind, we are all hoping that this Christmas and having around your family help you to heal”
Dean closed his eyes and took a long deep breath.
The thought that after all the monstrous things he had done, after all the blood he spread, the souls he tortured, the pain inflicted to Castiel he was still here, at his side made almost Dean cry.
There was only one thing in his life that he always craved: love.
Love from someone able to see the better part of him and let him see it too, a person able to keep him afloat from his darkest sides and times, a person that would love every part of him.
And despite expectations, he found that someone in an angel of the lord dressed like Constantine.
Dean let out a little laugh and then opened his eyes finding a pair of sapphire looking at him with all the love that the Winchester always craved.
Castiel didn’t have time to speak as Dean suffocated him in a bone crashing hug paired with a kiss on his cheek once he let go of him “this chick flick moment is making me die, Alex punch me with the barbie brass knuckles- “
“with pleasure” Patience laughed above his chocolate cup “they’re cute, and you’re just hiding your happiness under all this sarcastic surface, in fact I would say that you’re the carbon copy of Dean…It’s actually scary how much you two are similar”
Gabriel snapped his fingers and a big box appeared on Dean’s legs “this is from me and Sansone next to me”
Dean opened the brown box revealing an object wrapped in a golden paper with naked tiny angels all above it “tell me this isn’t mini Gabriel up in clouds- you know what? I don’t want to know”
When he pulled it out of the box, he laughed because the packaging left nothing to the imagination.
The big curves on the bottom, the long and slim upper part seemed like- “A guitar!” like an excited child Dean teared apart the paper – with dramatic whines coming from Gabriel “he’s tearing me apart Saaaam” – revealing a classic guitar in dark brown wood.
At the bottom of it, under the big hole in the middle, there were the firms of everybody in the room with little dedications near every name.
“It’s – It’s beautiful guys” Dean’s hand was tracing every part of the guitar like it was made from the most delicate and fragile wood, as if a sudden movement could pulverize the gift into ashes.
“Wait you play guitar?” Donna looked at Dean with excitement in her eyes and a big smile on her face “well, I didn’t take a guitar into my hands in decades…maybe I’m not good at it anymore” Dean made a smile covered in sadness.
“didn’t you cover thirteen Led Zeppelin songs in the mixtape for Cas a few months ago? We listened to it in our latest hunt together – why are you all watching me?” Sam watched Jack spoiling Dean’s little secret with too much pureness and innocence on his face that almost made him laugh and then moved his gaze towards the other people in the room.
Mary was smiling affectionately at his apparently romantic son, Jack’s furrowed brows showing all his confusion for the sudden silence, Cas’s cheeks wore a bright shade of red, Jody, Alex, Patience and Donna let out an aww all together while Dean was joking with the guitar’s chords: all of this while he was becoming a living tomato.
“hey Sam, can you unadopt a child?” Sam smiled and then shook his head while Gabriel and Claire blew up laughing “Oh my God, you’re such a 90’s cliché“
“Dean-o is like a chocolate, hard on the outside and soft inside” Gabriel then took a marshmallow and threw it at his little brother “and you didn’t tell me this? I’m offended bro do you know how many jokes could I have been do in all this time?”
While the others continued to laugh trying to know the complete list of the covers Dean choose for the mixtape, Dean turned off his presence from the moment and let his mind wonder in a million thoughts: “what if I won’t be able to sing anymore for Cas? Or for our future children or for anyone else? What if I will never recover? What if I remain a shell of fear scared of everything from now on-?
Suddenly, the hunter felt a breath into his hear and a low, soothing voice talking “sing, for me” Cas took Dean’s trembling fingers above the chords into his hands and held them tight “you can do this love” Castiel’s words were whispered and his lips were delicate on Dean’s cheek.
It took a few seconds in which Dean choose to take position and overpower his darkest thoughts; he looked up and saw Jody nodding lightly to him with a tiny smile on her lips.
Cas sat down on the carpet near Jack and Claire, his two adopted children, one arm on the couch near Dean’s leg and the most fond and full of love look in his eyes and one arm around Claire and Jack.
Alex helped Mary adjust the video camera above the little table next to them while Donna took a photo of the lovely and warming scene; Sam looked at his brother’s eyes, only for Cas, his anchor, his warrior, his savior but mostly Dean’s heart.
After days of fearing that he could have lost Dean forever, Sam took a polaroid and almost let out a tear in relief: his brother was finally breathing again.
Dean closed his eyes and let his fingers wander on the guitar’s chords, his voice raw and low but somehow sweet, soothing, and very harmonic.
Everyone fell into a comfortable silence interrupted only by Dean’s voice singing, and everyone fell also into the arms of the ones they loved: Gabriel was sitting between Sam’s legs wrapped like a burrito in a colorful plaid sheet with his hot chocolate (the third);
Jody and Donna were hugging and cuddling, under the covers, Alex and Patience with warming smiles on their lips; a few feet away, Cas had still an arm around Jack and Claire who was trying to hide her happiness behind a though façade terribly similar to Dean.
The branches have traded their leaves for white sleeves
All warm-blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe
Scarves are wrapped tightly like gifts under trees
Christmas lights tangle in knots annually
“SAAAAAMM GET UP GET UP IT’S SNOWIIIING!”
“Gabe stop screaming like a child” Sam looked at the alarm and groaned “you’re a criminal, why are you screaming at 5 in the morning? I need sleep-“
“IT’S SNOWIIING!” Gabriel took off the sheets “AND YOU’RE COMING OUT WITH ME” Sam turned his face into the pillow groaning more “and here I thought I had accepted to come out with you a long time ago” when Gabriel turned around, he saw his very naked and very beautiful boyfriend smirking at him.
“Smart one Samsquash, smart one” Sam laugh when Gabriel kissed him was interrupted by the same archangel excitingly running out of the bunker to throw himself into the snow.
Returned from the snowball fight, Sam and Gabriel – warmed out from the shower – joined Dean, Castiel and Jack on decorating the tree.
Golden like Gabriel’s wings and Blue as a symbol for Cas and their graces, red for symbolizing the love of the two couple and the familiar love for each other.
Jack smiled and talked excited all the time, while everyone of them explained everything he wanted to know about Christmas’ traditions.
Our families huddle closely
Betting warmth against the cold
But our bruises seem to surface
Like mud beneath the snow
“I always love this period of the year, it’s always so cold but at the same time it warms you inside”
“Yeah it warms you inside so much that your cheeks are red from the cold, c’mere Cas, you need a wool hat”
Dean pulled Cas’ hand with his into the nearest clothes store: small, smelling of old objects and full of winter clothes accessories.
After inspecting the first floor, Dean noticed the hat department.
“this should be fine, try it” Cas put on the deep green wool hat and looked at the mirror “it’s the same color as your eyes Dean” the angel gave him, through the reflection of the mirror, a shy smile and Dean could have sworn that the room was suddenly warmer.
Or maybe his cheeks were on fire, but ehy, no chick flicks moments right? “try this, it’s blue like yours”
Shit, did he say it out loud?
“You’re beautiful, we’ll buy this” he kissed his cheeks and saw his angel’s face literally glowing and well, fuck the chick flicks moments if they meant to see Cas smiling like the sun on a rainy day.
“Michael!” Dean froze as soon as he heard the scream while stepping out from the shop.
It couldn’t be, not today at least, please.
Cas looked around while he held the hunter’s hand tight in his, blade ready to fight.
“Michael come here!” someone bumped into Dean’s legs and then blew up laughing, and the laugh was a totally different laugh; it wasn’t the laugh that in these nights kept him awake.
It was…childish.
Dean and Cas looked down and saw a bunch of blonde curls and two big – and now scared - green eyes looking at him.
“Sowy man” the little kid seemed embarrassed of the situation so Dean tried to make him comfortable crouching down at his level “did you lost your mother while you were chasing all these little magical lights?” the kid, he assumed named Michael because life was a bitch to Dean Winchester, raised his eyes and nodded.
“Are those pwetty stars on your face?” the kid pressed a plump little finger to Dean’s cheek, making the hunter’s eyes fly down in surprise to the kid’s finger while his heart was aching with cuteness; there was so much innocence in this kid, Dean hoped it’ll never get away.
Dean wondered if maybe this kid could get him a little innocence back, the one he never had all these years.
“yes those are stars, you know where your mother is-“
“is he your brother?” Michael was looking at Cas, tilting his head to the side in confusion “what? Oh no, he’s not my brot-“
“I’m Cas, Dean’s boyfriend, nice to meet you Michael” Cas crouched down next to Dean and offered the kid the tipical Cas smile, with just one side of his lips up.
“But he doesn’t have the stars! My mom always tell me that when you have stars on your face is because an-..An-“the kid was struggling to find the word so he pointed to a Christmas light shaped as an angel.
“…an angel?” Cas tried to guess the word and as soon as he said it, Michael’s face lit up with enthusiasm.
“YES! She tells me that if you have stars on your face is because an angel kissed you, my father has a lot of stars too!” Michael was pressing and joking with Dean’s cheeks full of happiness and excitement “did an angel kissed you? Do you know that a kiss can save the princess-” Cas tried to hide his laugh looking at Dean, his eyes so full of life after so much time.
“Oh he never stopped kissing me kiddo” and then Dean turned to look at Cas with his big green eyes veiled by too much emotion to explain behind them, and in that moment Cas felt and saw all the love and feelings Dean had for him and the ones he was trying to bury deep in his mind.
He almost let a tear fall when he heard someone screaming “Michael! Oh my god you gave me a heart attack!” a red haired woman came running with short breath and immediately crouched to hug her son “Don’t you ever run away like this!”
She noticed Dean and Castiel getting up smiling “sorry if he bothered you, he’s like a mini bundle of joy, actually he’s more like a tornado” the woman laughed while holding her son to her chest when Michael spoke again, “mom he has stars on his face like daddy! I want to be kissed by an angel too! He has soooo many stars look!” the adults blow up laughing together with the kid “Sorry, he has a little passion for stars and his father is full of freckles so I came up with this legend I found” she turned to Michael giggling at Cas tickling him “he never stopped talking about them since then”
“they’re pwetty” the mother smiled and then talked again “can we leave these two gentle boys go so his angel can continue to kiss him? What do you think? Papa is waiting us with lunch”
“ ‘kay can I hug them?”
“You should ask them, little monkey”
Dean was melting with cuteness and after one week and half, he felt alive again as if someone lift off a burden from his corrupted and bloody soul and at the same time healed some cracks on his heart.
“Sure buddy, but don’t steal my kisses, I’m very jealous of them” Dean laughed and with Cas he hugged the little boy who proceeded to hide his face in his mother crook neck.
“Thank you for watching him, God knows what can happen in just a few seconds” she smiled and put a red wool hat on his blonde curls.
“You’re welcome, we had a very entertaining conversation” Dean laughed while holding Cas’ hand tight.
“Well marry Christmas emh-…”
“Dean”
“Castiel”
“Merry Christmas Dean and Castiel and thank you again, Micki tell them goodbye”
“ ’oooodbye” the mother smiled and then waved goodbye to them until the exciting waves of Michael’s little hand got lost in the crowd.
Dean and Cas stood a few second right outside the shop to bless that moment a little more when Dean turned to Cas and whispered “don’t you ever stop giving me my personal stars angel”
So we sing carols softly, as sweet as we know
A prayer that our burdens will lift as we go
Like young love still waiting under mistletoe
We'll welcome December with tireless hope
Dean was singing with a soothing and low voice, keeping his eyes closed most of the time and trying to bring to his mind every happy memory he had rebuilt in these few days post possession.
Everyone in the room was silent, sometimes someone exchanged happy looks and warming smile to each other and other times someone snuggled closer to another one.
In all that weeks in which Dean was possessed and they were trying to resolve all their problems, only Chuck – and Gabriel – knew how many prayers Sam has sent to God in person.
A prayer to help them freeing his brother, a prayer for the apocalypse hunters, a prayer for Kaia, a prayer even for himself.
Because he knew he was giving up under all these problems, he knew that Dean was Michael’s right vessel and Sam knew how this ended last time.
When he was at his brother place.
He cried just once in Gabriel’s arms and came out stronger and determinate than ever.
Pretty much as Claire did with Jody; she was still broken after Kaia, Sam understood her: having a love that to you seemed the only one you will ever have and then to lose it like that.
Let’s not start talking about Dean and Castiel; they were masters at losing each other almost every year.
Dean opened his eyes and searched instantly for Cas, his young – young because this was how he made him feel – love found at the age of 29 in Hell and to which he declared his feelings a few years later in purgatory.
Though Castiel did not wait all these years under a mistletoe, he did wait years; he waited until Dean was ready to admit he loved him.
Castiel didn’t wait only years for Dean, he waited literally eons.
In Peeta’s words: our lives aren't just measured in years. The measure in our lives are the people we touch around us.
Now here they were, in their bunker that became their home, filled with all the traditional Christmas decorations and surrounded by their little, broken and strange family.
Castiel gave him a knowing smile paired with the eternal heart eyes reserved just for his lover.
It had been one of the hardest and darkest period for everyone, but in particular for Dean.
Two weeks ago, he was spent, blue, depressed and traumatized.
He didn’t want to spend time outside his room, he was afraid of talking or touching someone, most of all, he was terrified of sleeping.
He didn’t think about Christmas day until the week before, he had just welcomed December with a tireless hope to feel better.
And it was happening.
Let our bells keep on ringing
Making angels in the snow
May the melody disarm us
When the cracks begin to show
“WINTER IS HEREEEE” the loud scream of Claire’s resounded through the whole backyard of the bunker completely snow-covered and full of naked, white trees.
It was a perfect snow, pure, brilliant, white and the kind of snow that remain attached to the streets “What the- how dare you?”
Jody turned around to Claire and Donna laughing at Jody’s figure covered in snow from head to toe.
“you’re gonna pay this girls!” Jody took a bunch of snow into her gloved hands and threw herself towards the girls in a snowball fight.
The other girls, Patience and Alex, along with Mary, were concentrated on the building of snowman together with Sam and Gabriel.
“Why on earth there’s a carrot in the south zone of our snowman Gabe?”
Gabe looked between the snowman and his very tall boyfriend with a furrow brow
“Do you think it’s too little?”
“GABE!”
“Yeah it’s too little you’re right my moose”
Sam let out a desperate grunt while Alex and Patience looked at their bickering and tried to cover their laugh turning around and building their snowman.
“Don’t laugh at me girls, he’s already enough torture” Sam let his body fall on the snow behind him when he felt a weight laying on his body
“I know you love this hot piece of torture” Gabriel was watching him with his chin resting on his gloved hands and beating the eyelashes with the usual smirking on his lips “…maaaybe” Sam laughed putting a kiss on the angel’s nose when Alex talked again “how is Dean?”
Sam turned to her, a veil of sadness obscuring his eyes “he’s..he’s getting better, the other day he and Cas came home all smiley…I think it was the first time I saw him smiling since Michael”
“I hope that having a normal Christmas with his family around will help him”
“Yeah me too”
“What is uncle Gabe doing?” Jack looked at Dean and Cas above his cup of chocolate with a funny pair of chocolate mustaches, same as Cas.
It was scaring how much they were look alike.
Dean looked up and saw a golden wing moving in the snow, he heard his brother saying something about cheating and then saw the archangel smiling and pulling Sam into the snow next to him by wrapping his waist with his golden wing.
“I think they’re making angels in the snow”
“Angels?”
“Not a real angel, you lay down on the snow, move your legs and arms and voilà, you make an angel on the snow”
“Can we make one?”
Dean looked down; he was really trying to move on, but sometimes he wasn’t able to do anything.
Neither laying down on the snow to make an angel nor making Jack happy.
And all because of Michael.
“Why don’t you begin to make one? We’ll be right behind you” Cas smiled at Jack and then crouched in front of his sad hunter “If you don’t want to do this I understand, we all understands”
“it’s just an angel in the snow and I’m sitting here still thinking of Michael and letting him still controlling me, even if he’s gone and I-I…I just want to-“
“Be my wings then”
Dean looked up into Castiel’s sapphires eyes – almost an electric blue with the snowy weather – and gave his angel a tiny smile; the hunter put a hand on the angel’s cheek almost afraid of touching him, as if his hands could still somehow corrupt and stain Castiel’s soul, almost afraid of losing control and beating him to death again, almost afraid of losing himself in all this messy thoughts and hurting Castiel by giving up.
“What I would do without you?”
“Eating more pizzas and pies probably”
They spent a good thirty minutes laughing and kissing and messing around with snow and moving their bodies to make the prettiest angel, and for the first time the thought of being an angel hadn’t been terrifying anymore for Dean Winchester.
Like the petals in our pockets
May we remember who we are
Unconditionally cared for
By those who share our broken hearts
“Dean I know you’re in there, please you have to fight this” Castiel’s eyes were watery and the blue of his iris had the literally meaning of blue.
Sadness.
The emptiness you can feel watching the person you love most in the world being overpowered by you archangel brother and die.
Dean was screaming, trying desperately to scratch the surface and rip apart his own mind.
But he couldn’t: Michael was stronger, and Dean was drowning in the same nightmare he agreed to live.
“Oh Castiel, it must have hurt the fall, because you fell hard and deep” something shone in the Archangel’s hand, something Dean recognized instantly the moment it appeared in his possessed hand “tell me Castiel” Michael’s voice similar to a mere mockery “what is an angel without his wings?”
At the sight of Castiel’s glowing eyes and the Archangel blade piercing through Castiel’s heart, Dean screamed so loud that he almost lost all of his voice, the tears the only thing left along with Michael’s laughter in his head-
“DEAN IT’S ME, IT’S JUST A NIGHTMARE WAKE UP!” Dean was shaking violently, turning compulsively in the sheets and holding them so tight in his fist that his knuckles were white, his skin was covered in sweat but the voice was the most aching detail: it was breaking at every no screamed and full of desperation, panic, hopelessness and terror.
Dean woke up sitting fast on the bed screaming one last time Castiel’s name and then, on shaking legs, run to the bathroom to throw up.
The angel followed him and sat up next to his boyfriend, trying to reassure him that he was there with him alive, that it was just a freaking nightmare and that he wasn’t going anywhere.
A few seconds later appeared Sam with his bed hair and behind him Gabriel, with the girls scared as hell.
Castiel, fingers through Dean’s hair while he was laying with his head on his lap, looked at Gabriel, serious and worried.
“I need water” Gabriel nodded and turned around, closing the door and saying everyone to return sleeping.
Sam took a long breath and then crouched next to Dean and Cas “What happened?”
“He had a nightmare about Michael and it was so vivid and terrible that when he woke up he run to throw up”
Sam never saw Dean so destroyed since returning from hell.
“C’mon I’ll help you getting him into bed”
Sam and Cas, the heart and soul of Dean, watched over him the whole night at each side of the hunter’s bed, and when Sam fell asleep because he was exhausted, Gabriel took him in his arms and watched Dean for Sam.
They didn’t talked about that night for days.
The table is set, and our glasses are full
Though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole
We'll build new traditions in place of the old
Cause life without revision will silence our souls
“Put down that wine Claire!”
“But it’s Christmas and I’m not 5 anymore!”
“Jack stop eating nougat, you’re becoming a nougat yourself”
“The other day I saw my first open heart surgery Donna, it’s been so freaking cool”
“Well I got into Yale a week ago so Happy Christmas to me!” “Oh my God that’s amazing Patience!”
“OOOKAY LADIES AND GENTLEMAN WHERE DO I PUT THIS AMAZING CHICKEN?”
A radiant Gabriel, with a kiss the cook apron, came next to Jody and Jack and put the magnificent chicken he and Sam cooked for the last 5 hours on the table.
Everyone had a bright smile to their lips, the bunker full of Christmas decorations created the best warm and soft atmosphere, being all together was the cherry on top, the last piece on the puzzle to make everything more than perfect.
“Put that dirty hand down motorbike girl, the first piece is for the beautiful cook assistant” the archangel winked at Sam who shook his head “I’m surprised this chicken is cooked, considering that all you two did was flirting like teenagers” Gabriel pull out his tongue as a joke to Claire while giving the plate to his lover.
“Are you starting Christmas dinner without me? I’m offended guys”
Dean was taking Castiel’s support to walk after the nightmare he had when Sam, Claire, Jack, Gabriel and Patience came back from the supermarket.
His legs were still shaking a little, all this nightmares and the whole situation made him weak even if Michael was gone for almost three weeks.
However, he was getting better, he had taken a little weight back, the bags and dark circles under his eyes were disappearing, he was talking more to everyone, he wasn’t rejecting Cas after every nightmare or single touches.
He was beginning to smile every day.
Dean admired the table while sitting, all set with a bright red tablecloth with different tiny centerpieces in between all the delicious dishes.
He smiled at Donna at his left side “Christmas without vine at dinner is not Christmas buddy”
“Someone is already drunk too much I see” the hunter laughed while cheering his glass with her: Dean dreamt of a moment like this since he was four.
Since his mother – that now was alive and here – died in that fire.
Even if some pieces were missing and will always be missing, Dean Winchester, one of the two best hunter in the world and most recently Michael’s vessel was starting to feel whole again.
Sometimes it was enough a pie, sometimes joking with his brother and sometimes he felt all his cracks healing by just looking at Castiel.
And if building a new tradition – that wasn’t finding a case even on Christmas day and then coming home bloody and tired – by being all together and not thinking about their life for a day was the cure to bring happiness into their life for a bit, Dean would have accepted it.
He was exhausted of silencing his soul.
As gentle as feathers, the snow piles high
Our world gets rewritten and retraced every time
Like fresh plates and clean slates, our future is white
New year's resolutions will reset tonight
Dean finished the song with his eyes closed and his voice low and on the verge of breaking; everyone stayed silent for a while, savoring the bliss atmosphere that Dean’s voice, the song and the guitar created.
“So…you can really sing old man” Claire was the first one to talk and dampen the atmosphere, too many feelings for her (and for everyone in the room).
Dean dropped his head forward letting out a joyful laugh “are you jealous hunter Barbie?”
“I shouldn’t have helped cooking the pie, you don’t deserve it mister Grinch” everyone smiled and laughed at their friendly bickering, it was a warming moment for everyone’s heart.
Mary was almost crying of happiness for so many things:
her boys now grown up man that have been through literally Hell, in a house full of people that loved them.
Her boys with their soulmates and their family.
Maybe, thought Mary, angels have watched over them since forever.
After a few hours where the “kids” continued to play table games, with all the adults and different Christmas films in the background, all of them were on the way to Morpheus.
Sam and Gabriel were in the kitchen with Mary, cleaning dishes and talking about all the things she missed in 33 years and all the pranks Gabriel did daily to the brothers and Castiel.
Donna and Jody were sleepy drinking Sam’s eggnog while cuddling with Patience and Alex; Claire had fallen asleep long time ago, almost drunk for too much eggnog.
On the couch next to the fireplace Dean, Castiel and Jack were laying at each one of Dean’s side, asleep.
The only sound in the room were the crackling sound of the fire, Gabriel and Mary in the kitchen and the Christmas’ films on the tv.
It was peaceful, silent but it wasn’t the type of silence that hurt, it was a warming one.
The kind of silence where you feel blessed, and happy, and grateful for all the good things in your life.
Dean looked at his boyfriend and his adopted son and with his eyelids half closed smiled, a smile that meant “I’m not fine, I’m broken but with these people, my family, one day I’ll be fine again” he turned his face, kissed Castiel’s forehead and closed his eyes.
For the first time, he fell asleep in peace in the arms of the one he loved with all his heart.
An hour later, Sam came back to the dining room and found everyone asleep.
He walked to the couch and felt his heart clench in an almost hurting way: Dean was asleep in Castiel’s arms while Dean held Jack protectively.
Dean had a tiny smile on his lips and Sam felt a smile growing on his lips as well; he took a wool blanket and placed it over the three of them.
And while the snow outside continued to fall, the fire near Dean, Cas and Jack lighted up the pendant of Dean’s new necklace, especially the words engraved on it.
Tiqqun 'Olam:
the Ebrew concept of mending the world or generally repairing and healing.
That night, Dean Winchester didn’t dreamt of Michael.