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A BBC Coffee Shop AU

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You know, how we all love our local. Be it a pub, a park, the neighbourhood coffee shop. There’s always that one place. And for me, it was the cafe. It’d survived the Starbucks that’d shown up overnight (at least I think it was overnight… I didn’t remember it being there, but then, I don’t remember it being constructed either). It’d survived the influx of new business people when the extra buildings went up. It’d probably survive the apocalypse, because frankly, it served some terrible coffee and the main barista was… well… 

Look. I liked to get a coffee and sit in and read the paper when I was post-call. It was good for the entertainment factor really. There was one regular. On the go 24/7, never slept, always shouted out the newest gossip like if they got it out before anyone could say it, it made them important. That guy - he drinks straight espresso. Two shots in a cup, no milk, no sugar, and I don’t think he let it cool. It’s a miracle he has a stomach lining.

There’s this other regular. Wears a sweater vest and a dickie bow. Glasses. Trousers up to his ribs and is always humming Vivaldi or Bach or something. Not much to look at. But crazy soothing voice when he talks. Probably a professor or something at the University. He drinks tea. Just… tea. One milk, one sugar, stirred carefully so the spoon doesn’t clink on the side of the cup, handle to the left. Classic really.

Oh, and there’s this brother and sister. They work together… I don’t know why you’d ever do that. But I swear, the sister repeats EVERYTHING the brother says. Maybe just a few minutes later, sometimes the entire conversation a few days later… They’re an odd couple. Every once in a while she comes up with a gem. Something really clever and well thought out. And then it’s suddenly his. Like she had nothing to do with it. Bit unfair. He drinks a cappuccino, no sugar. She drinks a latte, one sugar. He thinks she’s ruining the essence of coffee. She tells him to stop being pretentious. Every once in a while, they bring in their kid. But it’s non-stop with the telletubbies. And like, please don’t give your kid coffee.

Then there’s this other guy… And I’d swear no one likes him. He’s… Ok, he’s like the living embodiment of a meme. He tells the same joke over and over. Maybe 6 times in a row, to anyone who’ll listen. And why? The jokes are TERRIBLE. Plus, every time he comes in, I swear he’s trying to come up with the most complicated orders. “Do you have soy?” “I’m only drinking vegan this week.” “Orange mocha frappuccino.” I think I just threw up a bit. Like, please, son. This is a cafe, it’s not Hollyoaks.

Oh and the worst one. Literally changes their accent every time I see them. One day they sound like flipping Coronation street, the next - American. Then they’re Gordie shore, then Real housewives of Atlanta. I’m pretty sure I heard Aussi in there once, Neighbours style. Please. You are not that multicultural.

And the barista… Aside from making rather shite coffee. Affectionately shite, but really… The barista is totally in love with the diner across the road. Spends most of the day gazing longingly… But like, the diner asked the barista out for coffee… For Coffee. COFFEE. And the barista was trying to dig out of that hole and said, hey no, how about dinner… to the diner… Ah young love. Sure, I never get much done when I’m in that cafe. But it’s great entertainment.